THE FAMILY NEWSLETTER A Monthly Publication of The Family:
People Helping People Project
December 2016
Love Wins!
Choosing to live in love rather than shame spreads love in the world and liberates persons imprisoned by shame and fear. — Dr. David F. Allen
A Mother
On the Monday after Christmas I was in the community health center known as Knowles House when Ms. Adderly stopped by to say hello. After our initial greetings, she said, “I have a story to tell you.” I invited her into my office and asked her to share her story with me.
She told me she was a poor, single parent with a nine-year-old boy named Johnny. Johnny’s dad had dropped out of their life shortly after Johnny was born leaving her responsible for her son’s welfare. It was not easy. She was a straw market vendor and made her living by making straw products to sell in Nassau’s international straw market to visiting tourists. Sometimes she did well and was able to get enough money to get by. But at Christmas, every parent in The Bahamas wants to do
Confronts Shame
something special for the family. In an old Bahamian tradition, especially in the Family Islands, everyone has a Christmas meal with chicken or ham. More recently, families have sought to give their children toys. Ms. Adderly worked hard all Christmas week to make as many straw products as she could sell — hats, bags, dolls — to the tourists. She worked throughout the night so she would be able to buy a ham and a toy or two. Laden down with her straw goods and with high anticipation and the excitement for Christmas, she walked to the straw market early in the morning. She decorated her stall with all her new creations. Then she waited for the tourists to come. Sadly, it was a cold and rainy day. At 10 a.m. the rain was falling strong and very few tourists came to
the market. By noon the weather was still bad and the rain and wind blew through the market. She had made no sales. Now Ms. Adderly started to worry. She knew that Bay Street started to slow down around 4 p.m. as people headed home to prepare for Christmas with their families. But Christmas for her and Johnny depended on what she sold that day. By 5 p.m. she had sold nothing. The other vendors started to pack up and head home to celebrate Christmas. Ms. Adderly was stunned, upset, angry, and disappointed. She began to pack up her wares. Her heart was downcast. What could she do? She had no money. She had no husband and no family to support her. She felt trapped in her poverty. She was broke and broken. She had nowhere to turn. How could she break the news to little Johnny? (cont’d...)
In this Issue page 2
• A Mother Confronts Shame
back page
• THE FAMILY - Meeting Times & Places
page 3 • It Is Time! • Lectio Divina
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A Mother Depressed and grieving, she took her bag of wares and headed towards home. Her mind was filled with shame thoughts: What kind of mother are you? You are a failure. The shame voices were like people shouting and jeering at her: Lazy woman, you should know better. You should have planned ahead. Your mother always said nothing good would come of you. Like a self-imposed shame whip, she felt the words beating her back, breaking her heart. All the way home, negative thoughts pounded in her head like sea waves against the sand. Everything looked dark and hopeless through the eyeglasses of shame. The voices in her head continued to scream at her: You bad woman! You made a mess of your life. Now you have ruined Christmas for Johnny! You should be ashamed of yourself. Confronted by her own selfhatred and the perceived hatred of others, she nailed herself to a shame cross. The only way out of her shame appeared to be death.
Confronts Shame cont’d
She prayed, “O God, give me the courage to face my shame. I know I am a failure.” She pulled herself out of the water and went back to the beach still shaking inside.
sorry. I made nothing today. The weather was bad and no tourists came. Mommy made no money today. I have nothing to give you for Christmas. I am so very sorry.”
In her wet clothes, she walked over the hill and down the long, winding lane leading to the two-room clapboard house to face little Johnny. When she reached her corner, she felt afraid and apprehensive. She prayed again, “Please, God, help me.” She summoned up the courage to face Johnny. She walked up to the door and knocked.
To her surprise, instead of crying, Johnny hugged and kissed her and said, “That’s okay, Mommy, I know if you had it, you would give me something.” Then Johnny went outside and disappeared for a while. He came back with a branch broken off a tree decorated with foil paper which he found in the garbage. He said simply and with a smile, “This is our Christmas tree, Mommy!” On Christmas day they had no food or toys, but they read the Christmas story in the Bible and prayed together. Pausing, she said, “It was as if someone else was with us. We did not feel alone.” At the end of her story we were both crying. I found myself saying, “You and Johnny did not have food or gifts, but you experienced the true meaning of Christmas in being present to each other with the Eternal Presence. The Love that never lets us go and the Face that never turns away was with you. In your emptiness and brokenness, you made space for the Christ child.”
As she approached the western shore, she threw the straw goods into the sea and watched them float away. Overwhelmed and unable to take it any longer, she walked into the water determined to kill herself. She waded out into the water until it reached her shoulders, then her neck. In her mind, there was no way out. The magnification of her problem created a hopeless scenario as she walked into the darkness! She put her head under the water and waited. Then a thought struck her. If I kill myself, who would be there for little Johnny? No one!
When Johnny opened the door, Ms. Adderly burst out crying, “Johnny, I am sorry, I am really so
This Christmas, you may be deep in the sea of despair and ready to give up, but, like Ms. Adderly and Johnny, you too can find the Love that never lets you go and the Face that never turns away. TF —Adapted from Shame: The Human Nemesis, Dr. David F. Allen
THE FAMILY wishes you a Merry Christmas and a New Year of Love & Gratitude. sign up for our monthly newsletter at www.familyhelpingpeople.com
It is Time. Dr. Marie Allen Carroll
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heat to no one.…Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” —C. S. Lewis Are you stuck in your shame-based false self? Or are you willing to embrace the journey of discovering your True Self based in love? What does that even mean? Because we have all been hurt in the areas of Abandonment, Rejection and/or Humiliation, to protect ourselves from experiencing that hurt again, we developed a false self. This false self may seem safe, secure, protective – but it is also isolating, broken, lonely, addictive, and soul draining. By closing the blinds against the storm outside — you are also blocking out the flowers. By guarding your heart against vulnerability, trust, and hope
— you are also slowly dying to the chance of intimacy, beauty, grace, community, authenticity and love. Are you a Caged Bird or a Free Bird? The free bird thinks of another breeze And the trade winds soft through the sighing trees And the fat worms waiting on a dawn bright lawn And he names the sky his own But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream His wings are clipped and his feet are tied So he opens his throat to sing. —Maya Angelou How do we journey from the false self blocking the light to the awareness of your true self open to love? How do we break out of our cage and embrace freedom? Awareness – The gradual awakening to the realization that your life has become unmanageable. Life has not turned out as you hoped or expected. The Awareness that control is an illusion. Permanency is an illusion.
ABOUT THE FAMILY
Dr. David Allen Founder & Director
People Helping People THE FAMILY: PEOPLE HELPING PEOPLE is a program of free, community based therapy groups for adults and adolescents throughout New Providence, using qualified therapists. We are building The Bahamas and reaching out to the world. Our Vision: Helping Our People Everywhere Our Mission: People Helping People If you want to help or share in this great work, ■ Attend a FAMILY group ■ Join our training program to become a Group Facilitator ■ Make a donation via Scotiabank: 70375-3001-602 Donations are under the direction of a distinguished accounting firm.
If you want to: · Join a Family Group / Become a Group Facilitator: Contact the Family Office at 698-0155 · Start a Family Group/Request Dr. Allen’s Material: Contact Dr. Allen (Renascence) at 327-8918/9 · Book Dr. Allen: Email <dfallen43@gmail.com> · Request the Monthly Newsletter: Email <info@familyhelpingpeople.com>
The denial has been broken – the scales on your eyes have shattered – you cannot now unsee, what you see.
Dr. Marie Allen-Carroll
Confrontation – I have accepted that my life has become unmanageable. I realize I am not being true to myself. I am looking in the mirror and realizing it is time to SURRENDER and LET GO. Now that I am aware, I must make a choice – return to the cage (addiction, codependency, unmanageability), or choose freedom. Commitment – I BELIEVE there is a path out of the pain. I am choosing to BREATHE IN FAITH and BREATHE OUT FEAR. I believe that God has the power to take an insane, unmanageable, seemingly hopeless situation and transform it into something beautiful. The Discovery of your True Self based in Love is not a destination, it is a journey. A wonderful, crazy, sometimes painful, yet exuberant journey. Choose life – choose hope – choose authenticity – choose purpose, and in so doing, you will be open to the beauty, love and hope that God has promised for your life. By doing this – YOU WIN... LOVE WINS.
Lectio Divina
Read. Ponder. Pray.
This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. — John 3:16-18 (THE MESSAGE)
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VISION: (Helping H.o.p.e. our people EVERYWHERE) Mission: People Helping People
FAMILY MEETING PLACES AND TIMES Family
Location
Day
Time
WillaMae Pratt Ctr.
Fox Hill
Monday
3:30 – 5:00pm
Simpson Penn Ctr.
Fox Hill
Monday
3:30 – 5:00pm
Collins Ave. Teens
7th Terr. Collins Ave.
Monday & Thursday
4:00 – 5:30pm
Glad Tidings
Kemp Rd.
Monday
6:00 - 8:00pm
Warfare Group
Collins Ave.
Monday
6:00 – 7:30pm
Great Commission
Wulff Rd.
Tuesday
11:00 – 12:30pm
East St. Gospel Chapel
East St.
Wednesday
4:00 – 6:00pm
Her Majesty’s Prison
Fox Hill
Wednesday
9:00 – 10:30am
NPCC
Blake Rd.
Wednesday
6:30 – 8:00pm
Thursday
8:45 – 11:00am
Guidance Counselors
Mable Walker Professional Ctr.
Evangelistic Temple
Collins Ave.
Thursday
4:00 – 5:30pm
St. Gregory’s Church
Carmichael Rd.
Thursday
6:30 – 8:00pm
NPCC
Blake Rd.
Thursday
6:00 – 7:30pm
Blake Rd.
Saturday
9:00 – 12:00pm
NPCC – Facilitator Training ■ Private Groups
■ Adult & Adolescent Groups
FAMILY OFFICE People Helping People THE 7th Terrace, Collins Ave
Come and join a family, find people who are ready to help you and train you to help others!
1 (242) 698-0155 or 1 (242) 676-8619 or thefamilyphp@gmail.com Office Hours: 9am - 5pm Mon, Tue, Thu, Fri 9am - 4pm Wed Visit us on the web at www.familyhelpingpeople.com
■ Adult Groups
Partners
Templeton World Charity Foundation Renascence Institute International If you’d like to support THE FAMILY and share in this transformational work, we’d be happy to receive your donations via Scotiabank 70375-3001-602 for more information, contact us at 327-8718/9 or dfallen43@gmail.com