DAN'S PAPERS, September 17, 2010 Page 20 www.danshamptons.com
Warning
7 Feet
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thing? Please, if anything, Rodman announcing to a hotel that he is having an orgy is rated PG-13 these days. Here was the scene in Rodman’s agent’s office a week earlier. Rodman walks in and says “hello” after he’s finished reading the book, The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli. “Denny,” his agent says, “You’re just not acting crazy enough for the public these days.” “But last week I got so drunk I slept in a sewer and got a tattoo of a nuclear explosion on my knee.” “It’s not good enough, we need more crazy. Something that will really say to the public, ‘I’m a disgusting, ridiculous, selfish person who doesn’t care how he behaves in society
anywhere they like, at least at their own risk. They risk their lives every day just driving the roads. But inside the cars there are warning signs about wearing your seatbelts and so forth and so on. There needs to be warning flags to do the same for the bathers. They can be changed however many times a day the lifeguards change the flags at the stands. Usually that is just once a day. This sort of information should be right out there. And another thing. East Hampton is bickering and bickering about what to do with their old Amagansett Coast Guard Station that the town bought last year and had towed to the beach where it used to sit. How about this? Fill the Amagansett Coast Guard Station with coastguardsmen and breeches buoys and other life saving equipment. Then use them to save lives.
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short of being put in jail for more than three months.’” “Hmmmm, how about I make a sex tape and release it on the Internet.” “No Denny, it’s been done, you’ll just look like a copy cat.” “How about an orgy sex tape?” “I’m listening. But forget sex tapes, that is so Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson.” “Okay, I got it. I have an orgy and then do it all on live radio.” “Okay Denny, that sounds like a plan, but I think this is even better—what if you go out to a hotel in the Hamptons, have an orgy and then, while you’re having it, broadcast the orgy over the speaker system? I’ll make sure it’s at a hotel where New York Post writers are present.” Rodman pauses for a moment, “That’s why you get the big bucks. Let’s do it.” “I’m on the phone already. Don’t worry Denny, we’re gonna get your career back on track.” Nobody wants this kind of thing in the Hamptons, not even Hampton Bays. We’re better than this…Right?
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have the right of way when you are in a crosswalk. You do not have the right of way when you are in a crosswalk when the light is green for oncoming cars. Look it up. And look up. Ignorance? Defiance? Is this a trend? I’m told there is a place in the world where this is legal. It’s a country called Pedestria off in some foreign land somewhere and in Pedestria, whenever a citizen steps into a crosswalk, even at a traffic light where the light is green, they have the right of way and all traffic has to come to a complete stop in every direction. They don’t even have to look up. It’s difficult for goods to get delivered with this rule, for people to get where they are going in a car or truck, even for busses and ambulances to get through. I’m not sure yet if this is an invasion of hordes of these undocumented foreign people now come to the Hamptons from their slums wherever, but I intend to keep an eye on it. If it is, I say they should go back to where they came from and leave America to the Americans. And if they won’t go back voluntarily, I say we round them up and put them on a boat, point them at Pedestria and make them go. They come here for a better life? Fuggedaboutit. We’ve got enough people here already and we don’t need their kind. Next thing you know, they’ll be coming here in droves and just decide to break all the rules about jay walking. They’ll walk right across streets right smack in the middle. No crosswalk, no red light, no stop sign, nothing. Just walk right across. And if enough of them come, they’ll even vote out all the rules about jay walking. What do they care? Dumb people, these people from Pedestria. Can’t tell red from green. Think we owe them a living. The time to move on this is now. Next thing you know, they’ll be marrying our daughters. Call me.