DAN'S PAPERS, August 8, 2008 Page 30 www.danshamptons.com (continued from previous page)
after another of the other three were lost, apparently through the determined efforts of turtles that live in the depths of the pond and apparently think of teenage swan legs as something of a delicacy. They see those thin little legs thrashing around above them. And they swim up and bite them off. The turtles do not do this to the older swans’ legs. Perhaps they are too thick, or the older swans know to give the turtles a big smack to get them to skitter off, or maybe they don’t taste so good. Who the hell knows why? In any case, that this was happening came as a sharp blow to all those humans who feel that this swan family is the EAST HAMPTON swan family, and therefore under human protection. That this was a perfectly normal occur-
rence in the scheme of life escaped them. Creatures — the carnivores anyway — when hungry, eat each other. No matter. The turtles — who have lived in the pond for years as another attraction there — would have to go. Enough was enough. Keep in mind that the swans have not come to the humans with this big sob story about losing their young. The swans simply go about their business. And if there were four yesterday and there are only three today, well, they’ll make do with three. The funny thing is that the squabble among the humans is about which of them gets to make the decision about whether the turtles will have to go. One group is the East Hampton Town
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Trustees. This is an ancient body of local residents that was issued a “patent” to take care of the bays, ponds and wetlands on behalf of all the residents — the HUMAN residents. This was in 1688. The patent was issued by the Governor of New York, Thomas Dongan, on behalf of the King of England. Trustees would be elected. And they are still elected for fouryear terms today. There was an election of them just last year. When the trustees were created, Town Pond was little more than a swamp. It has been cleaned up a bit, but it is still listed as a wetland under the jurisdiction of the trustees today. The swans, however, don’t spend all their time in the pond. Sometimes they leave the pond to air out their wings and sun themselves on the grass next to the pond. When they do that, they are under the direction of the Village of East Hampton, which enforces the laws on all public lands other than those controlled by the trustees. It is not clear at this point whether either group wants to kill all the turtles, or relocate the swans to another pond, or just leave them be. The debates are going on. In any case, groups on both sides are horrified that this is happening. And their responses rangs from leaving those creatures alone to wanting to get in there with shotguns and blow those turtles to kingdom come. Perhaps next we will see the East Hampton Ladies Village Improvement Society knitting little swan booties for the teenagers. They’d be made out of thin chain mail or titanium or something. Volunteers willing to fight their way past the drake to get to them would have to be found. And trust me, it would be a fight. The drake, so stupid, would consider these volunteers a threat rather than the U. S. Cavalry coming to the rescue. And this is not the first time humans have fought over who has jurisdiction with the swans. A month ago, members of the Riverhead Foundation for Marine Research and Preservation got into a dispute pondside with a woman from the Environmental Protection Authority over who did or did not have the right to pick up the second or maybe the third swan who was painfully hopping around, and take him to Dr. Turetsky, the kindly local vet, to see what he could do. Talk about ruffling the feathers of the drake! You shoulda been there for that one. In any case, if one night you happen to see somebody sneaking over to the swan family to try to lure them either from the pond to the lawn, or the lawn to the pond, call the police. That would be the East Hampton Village Police, not the Town Police or the County Police or the State Police. And I think you can make this 911 call anonymously.
What Abstract Expressionist Painter did canvases oceanfront to the accompaniment of the thunderous roar of the largest naval guns in the world? Buy “In the Hamptons” wherever books are sold.