DAN'S PAPERS, July 25, 2008 Page 24 www.danshamptons.com
Diary
(continued from page 21)
The next day, I herded my kids into my camper bus, loaded up some beer, handbills, dog poop and bags of garbage, called up my food concession people and told them where I’d be (which was a beach in Tiana), hitched up my ATV on the back and then drove over the dunes at 40 miles an hour to park down by the surf break. We all jumped out of the car, the kids running around unsupervised, the music way up loud, and I hopped into my ATV to do a few wheelies. When I got tired, I turned the music up louder, sprinkled the dog poop out onto the sand to the east and the household garbage to the west, put together some sandwiches and went off to people sitting around alongside of us, soliciting and giving out handbills.
The caterers arrived, set up a concession, and when I saw the police coming over, I packed up everything, threw the kids in the back and hightailed it out of there. LONG BEACH, SAG HARBOR BEACH ORDINANCES Park Opens at 9:30 a.m. Parking by Permit May 1 to June 30, When Attendant is On Duty July 1 to Labor Day 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. Parking Fee $25 Residents No Refunds No Parking 9 p.m. to 6 a.m. Without Special Facilities Use Permit No Alcoholic Beverages No Glass Containers
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No Bonfires No Household Garbage No Construction Debris No Littering No Unsupervised Children No Unauthorized Caterers No Unauthorized Food BEACH DRIVING RULES Permit Required Speed Limit 10 mph Stay Off Dunes and Beach Grass No ATVs Vehicles Prohibited from May 15 to September 15 So I loaded up the unauthorized food and the unsupervised caterers and the unauthorized children into the back of the ATV, securing everybody and everything with ropes next to the construction debris, and, hitching it up to the back of my new Toyota Tundra, headed out for Long Beach. At the little beach booth with the “NO REFUNDS” sign on it, I gave the attendant $25, demanded a refund, and when she didn’t give it to me, roared off and into the parking lot, over the dunes, paying particular attention to flattening the beach grass, and then went out onto the beach. Here I built a bonfire, drank alcoholic beverages in glass containers and let the children run around wild for a while. When a police officer came over, I told him to go around to the back of the Tundra to look at my expired beach sticker, and when he did, I pressed a button, and all the construction debris slid down and out of the flat bed and buried him. Then I drove home. EGYPT BEACH, EAST HAMPTON BEACH ORDINANCES Parking by EH Village Permit Only No Vehicles or Dogs on the Beach from 2nd Sunday in May to September 30, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. This is NOT a Bathing Beach Owners Must Clean Up After Their Dogs Deposit Litter in Receptacles Protect the Dunes and Bird Nesting Areas Considerate Citizens Pick Up After Their Pets. It’s the Law No Parking from Here to Beach Road On the first Monday after the 2nd Sunday in May, at 9:01, I arrived at Egypt Beach with the sticker properly displayed in the window of my Mercedes, parked on the correct side of the “No Parking” sign, carefully stepped around the bird nesting areas and the beach grass, went up to the top of a dune and had a look down at the ocean. Nobody was there. So I returned to my car, walked to the back where I had the big horse box trailer attached, opened it up and took out the camel. Then I took off all my clothes, led the camel down to the beach, played Frisbee, turned up the boombox real loud and let the camel run around to get some exercise. Most of the day he is just all cooped up. He loped around for a while, pooping everywhere, then ran in the ocean and splashed around until he got real tired. Then I led him back to the big horse box attached to the back of the Mercedes, and we drove home. (continued on page 42)