DAN’S PAPERS
June 15, 2012 Page 43
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danshamptons.com
Backside Ads A Happy Solution to Men Gawking at Girls in Bikinis By mr. sneiv
W
arning: This article contains sexual content that may not be suitable for persons under the age of 18. I am a man of the people. I try to help when I can. On my street I am known for giving excellent advice. I have been compared to Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Dr. Ruth all wrapped up in a handsome and sophisticated package of humbleness. There is not a neighbor on my street that has not sought the advice of Mr. Sneiv. For instance, last fall John was having a problem with male baldness. I counseled him to rub clam juice on his head before he went to bed and now he has more hair than a chia pet on steroids.
My most recent request for advice came from Leo, whose wife caught him over Memorial Day weekend catching quick glimpses at women’s butts on the beach. I told him to invoke the fivesecond rule. The rule is like the one where if you drop food on the floor and pick it up within five seconds, it is safe to eat. After explaining to his wife that he looked at the women’s backsides for less than five seconds, and that the rule applied, peace was restored to the home. “Thanks Mr. Sneiv.” Why must women get jealous at their partners looking at other women? Do we get mad when we take our women to a Giants game where all the players are wearing tight pants? This counseling session with Leo got me
thinking. Forget the five-second rule, maybe I should come up with a solution for all men who enjoy watching the posterior of bikiniclad women during the summer months in the Hamptons. Combining my understanding of women, which I was forced to learn on the streets, and my background in marketing, led me to a solution; “Nothing Butt Advertising.” You might think it’s silly, but many people also laughed when the guy decided to combine peanut butter and chocolate in a single candy treat. What if East End businesses advertised their products and services on the butts of the bikini-clad women who wander the beach? In this way, the businesses (Continued on next page.)
Where Did 1994 Go? It’s My Lost Year By Dan Rattiner
I
f you’re a great writer, you have to have a few lost years. I am not a great writer, but I’m a GOOD writer. So I have one lost year. My lost year is 1994. Here’s how it came about. When I first moved into the building on Main Street in Bridgehampton to make it the offices for this newspaper, it was 1971 and I had working for me a general manager named Eric Cohen. Eric, who is still a friend of mine,
Thursdays
LobsTer & Live Music. FeaTuring PauL Mahos & neW LiFe crisis and esTee Maria sPeciaL $35 surF n TurF ½ Price cocKTaiLs aT The bar
had a hobby. He made wooden furniture in his basement. “You ought to have bookshelves up in the executive offices,” he said one day, referring to the two rooms on the second floor. And so he built custom made bookcases to fit, and we carted them up when he was done, painted them white and screwed them into the walls. At that time, and continuing on to this past month, I have used a particular hard cover red 6 x 9 date book to keep track of appointments as
Fridays & saTurdays
earLy bird sPeciaL 3 courses For $25 FroM 6 unTiL 7PM
sundays
FaMiLy day 2 For 1 enTree Kids under 12 eaT Free
I make my rounds. These books cover exactly one year and have one day for each page, and upon each page I scribble all sorts of notes. Then in October, I order a new one, which arrives in November, always in time for January first. It’s nice to have a completely fresh, blank book to start things out for the upcoming year. As for the old date books, I save them. On rare occasion, I might need the name and phone number of some long-ago business associate, and so I get the particular (Continued page 70.)
Mondays
indusTry nighT Music by dJ vibe $25 Three course dinner FroM 6PM -11PM ½ Price drinKs aT The bar 11PM TiLL cLose
MonTauK highWay aT WainscoTT sTone road in easT haMPTon
631.537.6255
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