DAN'S PAPERS, April 4, 2008 Page 35 www.danshamptons.com
Springtime
(continued from page 32)
problem last year and it looks like a repeat for this year. It’s a virtual vegetable genocide out there. If you listen carefully, you’ll hear them mewling. Batura, which is a hallucinogenic plant that also goes by the name of Ginseng Weed, has been seen on the sides of the road along Route 114 between East Hampton and Sag Harbor. Look for a big plant with a white flower. And Salvia divinorum, a horrible creature, has been moving up from the southwest having skipped over the border from Mexico a few years ago, and is now heading for the East Coast, with at least one plant discovered here on Long Island. Last week, Suffolk County made it a crime to
Blackmailed
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When I was single and went on a date and suggested to the date that maybe we should go up to my place and have a cup of coffee, it was not what I had in mind. I think that’s it. No wait. I have a four-wheel drive Tahoe I like to drive on the beach in the wintertime. One beach driving sticker I get is for the New York State beach in Napeague that, to get it, you have to have in your car fishing rods, bait buckets, hooks and line. I have those things and so I go out on the beach. But I don’t fish. I write on my laptop. If a police officer were to come along, however, I would get everything out and start fishing. One more thing. I’m a male prostitute working for a very prestigious prostitution ring based in Washington, D.C., and that’s why sometimes I’m out of town. Occasionally I get a call for a $4,000 date where I do a few things, or a $5,000 date where I do a few more things or the same things but better, and the women involved are high level Senatresses, Congresswomen and Governesses. For example, Jodi Rell is the Governess of Connecticut. I’m not saying it was she. And I’m not saying it was Senator Hillary Clinton. Those are just examples of people who are women and who have high public office. So, I’m prepared to name names, but only if someone who would like to back me in a new aftershave line I have created in a lab in my basement. Dan’s Aftershave. I also have plans for Dan’s Secret, which is a men’s clothing store. And I need an agent. I have a song on YouTube. And some really sexy photos of me almost nude. Also, I do not have a permit from the Town of East Hampton for the lab in my basement, but as I’ve written this I have gone down there and filed for the variance, so I’ve made things right. •
either possess, eat or smoke Salvia dinorum (also known as Diviner’s Sage) because of its hallucinogenic powers. It grows to be three feet high, has large green leaves, hollow square stems and an occasional white and purple flower. Be on the lookout for it. In January 2006, a 17-year-old Delaware student committed suicide because of it. Deer have maintained a continuing presence here, in spite of the annual hunt during the late autumn. Drive slowly, and, especially at night, occasionally honk your horn, because they do tend to trot out into the road and try to climb into your backseat. Fortunately, they usually fail. The National Weather Service in Boulder, Colorado is predicting a more than active hur-
ricane season for the East Coast this year, with the possibility of seven major storms. There was a tornado reported in Bridgehampton in 1994. Flooding shut down many of the roads in the Hamptons in August of 1986. And with the polar ice cap melting, perhaps one of those giant white killer polar bears will get swept down to the East End of Long Island. He will be pissed. Maybe the best thing, especially for city people who have homes here, is to just stay indoors all summer with the doors locked. There’s plenty of takeout, there’s air conditioning if you can afford it, and some restaurants offer home delivery. •
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