DAN’S PAPERS
danshamptons.com
March 8, 2013 Page 27
Unidentified Meteor Hotline Established Here
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Bigstock.com
his is a warning from Mr. Sneiv. This is only a warning. If it was a real emergency you would have been informed where to stay tuned for further instructions. On Feb 14, 10:20 EST (03:20:26 GMT Feb 15) a meteor exploded over the Ural Mountains in Russia. It is now estimated by scientists at the NASA Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena California that it had a blast that was the equivalent of 470 kilotons of explosives. It has also been said to have weighed more than 10,000 tons and travelled at a speed of 40,000 mph. Over 1,000 people were injured.
Heads up!
If you think this was an isolated incident and it could never happen here, think about this; the day following the Russian meteor strike, asteroid DA14 approached within 17,200 miles of Earth. That is a close call. Later that same day another fireball was spotted over the San Francisco Bay Area in California. That event, also unrelated, occurred at about 7:45 p.m. PST and lit up the nighttime sky. What if that meteor had exploded in the Hamptons? Are we prepared? We have a Hurricane Emergency Plan but no Meteor Plan? That is just crazy. This is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly. The politicians have given no real attention to this threat. Since no one else is taking this seriously, I feel it is my obligation to put together a Comprehensive Meteor Emergency Disaster Plan. The best time to respond to a disaster is before it happens. One of the first elements of my plan is to recruit volunteers to be Official Meteor Spotters. Consider it like a neighborhood watch except they are on the lookout for stuff that falls out of the sky. They will each be provided with a $50,000 super-high-powered telescope. Each house that has a Meteor Spotter will have a sign placed in the front yard that indicates that it is an Official Meteor Spotter House. Once a UFM, also known as Unidentified Flying Meteor, is spotted, the spotter will call
the Meteor Hotline, whose headquarters I propose will be built as an underground bunker located in Southampton. As soon as that call is received, headquarters will sound the alarm and everyone will follow the approved plan. Because there is a chance that radiation may be present, we need to make sure our first responders are safe. Responders will be issued radioactive protected jumpsuits and self-contained oxygen masks. I have located a company on the internet that sells them for $35,000 each. All East End homes will be required to demonstrate that they have knowledge of what to do in the event of a strike. Because of the radiation associated with the event, folks may
be required to stay inside for a long period of time. Accordingly, all homes will also be required to keep at least a 30-day supply of emergency food on hand. Regulations will be enforced by a team of Meteor Regulators, who will be employed by the county. Those homes that are out of compliance will be fined $500 per day until they can demonstrate proficiency in hiding under beds. I have estimated the total cost of implementing the plan is less than $20,000,000. Please write your local politicians and urge them to start crafting a meteor plan for the Hamptons now— instead of when it’s too late. And let’s start thinking about raising funds for a summer Hamptons Meteor Party.
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By mr. sneiv