Dan’s Papers January 13, 2012 danshamptons.com Page 11
20 Predictions
Global Warming, Republicans, Parking, China, the Euro, Aliens, Summer in the Hamptons, Sanchez and the Academy Awards By Dan Rattiner All the visitors to the Hamptons who speak foreign languages will suddenly, in July, begin speaking only in English. People credit this transformation to some new power drink now available in delis. * * * A strange thing will happen to global warming in 2012. As the year progresses, it will become more and more apparent that temperatures on the planet are going down, not up. Here in the Hamptons it snows in April, is too cool to go swimming until August, and then the ponds are all iced over for skating by Thanksgiving. By the end of the year, with the entire country blanketed in a beautiful white snowfall, the government will release all the statistics. Something with global warming has gone gaflooie. They don’t know what it is. But our troubles are over. * * * Two weeks after the Academy Awards, it’s announced that negotiations between the Academy and Hollywood have broken down and the awards for 2013 will take place in October 2012 in the Hamptons in conjunction with the Hamptons Film Festival. The winners will include Alec Baldwin, Mark Zuckerberg, Madonna and Billy Joel. * * * Dan Rattiner’s second memoir, IN THE HAMPTONS TOO: Further Encounters with Farmers, Fishermen, Artists, Billionaires and Celebrities, is available in hardcover wherever books are sold. The first memoir, IN THE HAMPTONS, published by Random House, is available in paperback. A third memoir, STILL IN THE HAMPTONS, will be published in May.
In March, a huge underground oil field is found half a mile down under America shaped exactly the same as the outline of the country. All states can drill down and get what they need. It’s all been right there all this time. * * * The Russians, after having a rocket aimed at the space station fizzle, will announce they are turning their entire program back over to the Americans. The space launching facilities in Russia will be ceded to America and given American names. * * * A big fire in September will destroy all the American dollars kept in vaults in Beijing, China, but more importantly, also will destroy all records of who in America owed what to which Chinese-owned banks. With this black hole in the world of finance, President Obama will order that amount of American money lost in the fire (as estimated by experts) to be printed up new, but kept in Fort Knox. * * * North and South Korean soldiers on the frontline border separating the two nations will begin tapping their feet to an old 1950s Doris Day favorite called “I Love You a Bushel and a Peck,” then come out of their watchtowers and begin dancing with one another. This activity will spread all through both Koreas and by the end of that week will result in a peaceful reunification of those troubled neighbors. * * * President Obama will win the Presidential election in November for a second term with 98.7% of the vote. The landslide is caused not by Obama’s popularity but by the failure of the Republicans to agree on their nomination for President at their convention in August. As a result of that, all six longtime hopefuls get on
different lines on the ballot as “Republicans” to be joined by three more “Republicans” who join in the fray, who include a man who claims to have been the Mayor of Provo, Utah for six months, a new candidate from Texas who says if he is elected all Presidents in the future will be voted upon by a show of hands and Bozo the Clown. None of these nine candidates get more than .5% of the vote. * * * A group of billionaires in New York City, saying they are very sorry for everything, agree to put half their savings in big canvas bags and have it taken to City Hall to be distributed to the less fortunate. Similar acts of kindness take place in seven other states. * * * In June, a group of Muslim extremists discover that there has been a misreading of the Koran. It is found that sections about “killing” in the name of Allah should actually say “kissing.” They regret the error. * * * Aliens from outer space land in a field in Texas bearing gifts—bright ties for the men, brightly colored high-heeled shoes for the women, Play Stations for teens, puppy dogs for toddlers and cups of Starbucks Decaf Cappuccino for anyone and everyone. All together the aliens distribute six billion gifts to all six billion people on the planet. * * * All the countries in Europe stop using the Euro in May and instead bring out their old currencies—marks, drachmas, francs, pesetas, lire etc. etc. to allow all of them to float in value one against the other. This money smells funny since it has been in vaults for 15 years, but everybody says it’s much more fun and now (continued on page 14)