ask mh My girlfriend complains that I’m a terrible listener when she’s upset. How can I improve? – AP Don’t shut down when she opens up. Many men might seem like bad listeners because they unintentionally clam up during emotionally charged conversations – the very exchanges that tend to be most important to their partners, says psychologist Dr Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. “It feels bad to see your girl become emotional and that fear and anxiety can block listening,” she says. Another common pitfall: in an attempt to make her feel better, you may subconsciously redirect the talk away from upsetting topics, says Johnson. While your intentions may be good, this comes across as if you’re not listening or caring (or both).
So when your girlfriend starts venting, take a deep breath and focus on each word she says. This will keep you grounded and ease anxiety. When she’s done talking, let her know that you’re sorry she’s feeling . . . [fill in the negative emotion], says Johnson. Then say something like, “I want to help. I don’t quite know what to do, but I care and I’ll be here for you.”
When an athlete I admire is accused of infidelity or using – ST drugs, I feel ashamed. Is that strange? Tiger Woods must have really made your life tough. It’s actually common to feel invested in the careers of athletes you admire, says Dr Daniel Wann, professor of psychology at Murray State University. “We all have the desire to feel something grander than ourselves, to be more than we are,” he says. “One way to do that is to feel a psychological link with others – when you’re
a sports fan, you feel part of a team.” So when a player (or club) you identify with is embroiled in a scandal, the accusation feels like a threat to your credibility. If you stay loyal, their behaviour rubs off on you. Even if you don’t, you look gullible for believing them in the first place. Next time a player is busted, remember that his failing is no more yours than his megabuck salary.
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Ask the MH girls the questions you can’t ask anyone else. They’re three women with strong opinions, so don’t expect sugarcoated responses
Got a question for Ask Men’s Health or The Girls in the Office? Email menshealth@pacificmags.com.au or head to yahoo7.com.au/menshealth.
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I’ve been in a relationship for six months; we’re in our late twenties, have been away on holiday together, spent nights together – but still haven’t had sex. Is this abnormal? – CC Crystelle Not if she’s religious, CC. Have you spoken about it with her? Once you understand the reasoning behind her selfimposed sexy-time ban, it’ll probably be easier for you to hold out. Alice I find it odd that you’ve been together for half a year but aren’t comfortable raising the undesirable chastity issue, CC. Speak now, or forever hold your fluids. Cassie Surely you’d know by now if she’s religious? There’s definitely something odd going on. You’re in your twenties – you should be at it 24/7. But Alice is right, if you haven’t spoken about it yet, you’d better do it ASAP, or risk blue balls forevermore.
I’ve got a real soft spot for a girl at work and I think she likes me, too. Trouble is, she’s 25 and I’m in my early forties. How young is too young? – TH Alice She’s the only one you need to get the all-clear from, TH. Well, and her dad, but that kind of premature panic won’t help your current conundrum. In my opinion, a big age difference only matters if it’s obvious in your interaction. Read: your enthusiasm for Def Leppard is interpreted as a love for the latest animal print-inspired fashion line from Zimmerman. Crystelle If you’re already questioning the age thing, TH, you probably know the answer. Plus, I wouldn’t recommend dating someone you only have a “soft spot” for. Find a woman who inspires a stronger reaction. Cassie Yeah, “real soft spot” sounds real creepy, TH. I’ve got friends who are married to older guys and it doesn’t matter one bit. But before you go making yourself the centre of office goss – because you will – just make sure this isn’t a case of workplace “forbidden fruit” or you just trying to play out some kind of fantasy.
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Ladies, what do women want? Seriously, I just can’t seem to win and I’m starting to lose hope. I don’t want to be crusty and old alone. – KL Alice Well, I want someone who can make me laugh, is partial to public handholding and can slam dunk. But ask the other two OGs and you’ll get two very different answers. That’s the thing, KL. Second-guessing yourself will have you
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running around in circles. The important thing to ask is: what do you want? Let that guide your dating experiences. Crystelle I want someone with a big heart and big smile who loves to work with his hands and can download me lots of movies and TV shows. You must also like American food (buffalo wings, fish tacos, pecan pie) and be full of compliments and kisses. But, as Alice pointed out, no two lists will ever be the same, so don’t force yourself to be anything other than the real KL. If Liz could love Warney, then there’s gotta be a girl for you. Cassie I just want someone who’ll let me pick food off their plate. If you’re up for that, KL, give me a call.
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My girl started pole dancing for fitness, but I think she’s getting a bit too into it. Like when we go out at night she’s started wearing those huge stripper heels and tiny skirts. It’s really unlike her and seems kinda slutty. How do I broach this? – AP Cassie I used to do pole dancing and something about it just makes you more confident. It’s bloody hard work and nailing those tricks really gives you a boost. Maybe she’s just not used to feeling that good about herself and is still working out how to express her new-found confidence? Alice Hide the WD-40. The red rash caused by chaffed thighs will surely deter her from revealing too much flesh in Miley Cyrus-esque attire. That, or be honest about your dislike for her new dress code, but where’s the fun in that? Crystelle Get into it, AP! If you pay her and those sexy heels enough attention at home, she’ll hopefully stop looking for it outside.