The WrangleR Give me your favorite $20 bill, and I will give you 37 $20 bills!!! Not a Ponzi Scheme. Edition Roman Numeral Ninety-Two Real. Comfortable. News.
Feature: Lenten Promises that New aerial shot reveals secrets of Brophy below I will definitely, definitely, definitely, keep God, I Promise You I Won’t Break It This Year? By: Nick Hahne ’22 Statistics show that adolescents are .4325 times more likely to follow their Lenten promises than their New Year’s resolutions, but so many students still struggle every year with staying faithful to God. But the real problem is: they aren’t giving up the right thing. Of course, you are bound to fail if you set an impossibly high standard. Anyways, we at The Wrangler have compiled a list of suggestions as to what you should give up or take up during Lent. 1. Fortnite Come on, it’s time to give it up. Either you’ve already given it up, or let’s be honest, you’re addicted. The glory days of Fortnite are over. Call of Duty: Warzone should have silenced the game for good, but for some reason, there are still those courageous few who
decided to continue playing it no matter how badly they mess up the map. At this point, Epic Games is just trying to make the game worse and worse until you leave because they have given up too. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s time. It’s time. As a suggestion, every time you would normally play Fortnite, take a shower instead. 2. Going to the bathroom in Keating This is less of a Lent suggestion and more of a public health announcement. I really don’t know how you stand the smell. Maybe in the mornings when no one has used it yet … but IN THE AFTERNOON? Come on, man. Do yourself, your friends, the cleaning crew, the entire building of Keating, Brophy, Xavier, Phoenix, and
Secrets of Brophy from an Aeriel View By: Bobby Munhall ’23
the Southwest Region of the United States a favor and stop using it. 3. Give Mrs. Hornbeck her Permission to Travel Forms on time Awarded the title of “Most Caring Mother on Campus,” Mrs. Hornbeck has probably asked you to turn in a Permission to Travel Form at one point in time, and there is no chance you turned that in on time. Then, you received an email that started off like, “Good morning, gentlemen, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get me your forms TODAY.” Why would you do this to Mrs. Hornbeck? She does so much for you, and you had one job … If you have run out of inspiration, take up giving permission forms to Mrs. Hornbeck on time.
@BrophyWrangler
Want to get in on the ground level of a counterfeit scheme? (See page 2)
News in Briefs
• Freshman attempts to give up Membean for Lent, multiple academic JUGs received • Major Bag Alert in the BAG Zigzag your swag down to the BAG to snag a grab bag of old Brophy art gags so you can brag to your scallywags • The Roundup creates Roundle. The Wrangler responds by creating Wrangle. Survey shows 100% (1/1) student(s) prefer Wrangle over Roundle • The OFJ makes a new Summit track called “Saturdays” for the 20 students who didn’t choose a track • Romley Hall converted back to a dorm after reports of Lax players living on campus waiting for practice • The spring break schedule is AWESOME in my opinion. I love sitting in the Wrangler Castle, surrounded by a moat, dressed in a princess costume, shackled to the floor, and writing jokes while the rest of my family sends me videos from Disneyland. I’m having the time of my life! • Mr. Garner Drops New Album featuring Singles “2 Ways to Write your Roots” and “Essential Exponential” • Student-led protests arise around Brophy after admins schedule 2 full weeks of school in a row • Mr. Danforth becomes the first Brophy teacher to live through 34 presidential administrations. Ask him about what life was like under Millard Fillmore!
Brophy Administration warns printing and using counterfeit refill stickers is a JUG-worthy offense after launching over 200 investigations By: Ransom Kaul ’24 PHOENIX, Arizona (BCP24) — The Brophy Administration has warned that counterfeit refill stickers are being used on backup water bottles across campus. Creating and using counterfeit refill stickers is a JUG-worthy offense that can result in up to five Saturday JUGs scrubbing the gum off the bottoms of desks, and public humiliation from your peers laughing and pointing at you as you hold a “Have a nice day!” sign in the North parking lot. Mr. B has said that over 700 individual stickers were confiscated by security last Monday alone. Those stickers were being used at the Corral by students to fill up their fourth 32oz bottle of Coke before the beginning of Morning break period. There were 200 different cases of students being found in possession of, and with intent to distribute, multiple counterfeits that security are currently investigating.
So how do you spot a fake refill sticker? Look at it VERY closely. Administration says that in many of these cases, the counterfeit “stickers” fell under these criteria: •
An Official Exhibit of Fake Refill Stickers. Courtesy of Brophy Security
A crayon or Marker was used to imitate the design of the official refill sticker (594 cases). • The “sticker” is a different color, such as blue, red, or even yellow (80 cases). • The “sticker” is a non-circular shape, such as a square, triangle, or squircle (63 cases). • The “sticker” was a blank white piece of paper taped onto a water cup (17 cases). • The “sticker” was a crisp $20 bill taped to a 5-gallon bottle, which the student then attempted to use as a bribe for the officer who apprehended him (1 cases). If you are aware of the location of any counterfeit refill stickers, please call the security department’s non-emergency line at 602-STICKER. (This isn’t a real number, please don’t call it)
Ludicrous Lenten Lessons By: Ransom Kaul ’24
When I first began my career as a Brophy Bronco, my vocabulary skills were merely mediocre. Membean soon became the monotonous and meticulous daily memorandum that I used to make my mundane speech more momentous. However, as time went on, my paramount emphasis on the predominance of the presence of pristine punctuation in my precocious ways of presenting myself to the public became the predominant preponderance of my life, promptly pressing me into a precarious, poignant situation: my presence in the pantheon of prolific punctuators promulgated the presumption that my personality was perfectly putrid. I was promptly given the pungent pseudonym of “Petulant Prig and Purveyor of Pessimistic Phrases”, how palaver.
But that mess of m’s and p’s isn’t even the worst of it. Once I became absolutely assertive of my membean accolades, I became aloof. Despite the apprehensiveness of my accomplices, I began to go awry, and alienated myself to the artless, atrocious abomination of writing rap music. My first song was articulated as follows:
deified. His every endeavor My sisyphean attempts to surpass spoonerism was immediately stultified.” and achieve level six membean were beginning to superimpose themselves onto the rest of my sublime state of stasis. I needed to stop, so I unWhen this stupendous ceremoniously switched off Membean. showing of spontaneous There is no ulterior motive, no unfounded, unasskullduggery, saturated suming ultimatum. This unorthodox decision is with succulent song lyrsimply a ululation in my unrelenting preference ics, was sent off into the to be unceremoniously unlettered as opposed to sordid, sodden wastes being unanimously unbearable. of soundcloud, I knew I Membean Word Count: 74 (20% of Total Article) needed to stop.
“Once upon a time there was a Bronco named Ry. Totally True Twitter Tweets He always made situations By: Zeke Rolando ’25 he couldn’t rectify. Despite the cordial traits that he exemplified. He was never able to get his dubious minutes nullified. Ry was only ever vilified, thrown under the bus to mollify the old, angry ossifies he would never personify. For his trouble, Ry was never indemnified, never
Join The Wrangler! Your all ready a wise fool if you have this edition in your hand. Double-down and help right for us! Unless you want to be an April Fool. Wednesdays at lunch in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
The Wrangler © 2022 Editing Board:
Ryan Lin ’22 Nick Hahne ’22 Bobby Munhall ’23
Head of Outreach: Jack Dumanski ’24
Head of Twitter:
Advisers:
Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Zach Johnson ’23
Editing Coordinator: Ransom Kaul ’24
Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.