The WrangleR Not Da Wroundup Edition Roman Numeral Eighty-Six
Feature: Support our local businesses... except if they’re as terrible as this
Real. Comfortable. News.
Investigation: Do teachers wink after praising the Class of 2021?
here. Although the COVID-19 pandemic rained on our digital parade, we rose from the ashes (am I mixing metaphors?) stronger than ever. We survived college application season. We passed first semester. We played online chess during class. Above all, however, we
will miss this place. Nostalgia really is one hell of a beast, and it’s only going to become stronger over these next few months. For now, ChessDragon W. Hays
College Board AP exam scandal EXPOSED By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 You know it. I know it. The poor college counselors know it. AP exams suck. But then came 2020 - a year of hope known to all as The Year of the Shortened Exams. Oh how easy it was to submit an FRQ or two then retake it in June because the College Board website froze as time ran out! I could do it with my eyes closed (twice). The Class of 2021 has worked tirelessly to earn the privilege of unproductivity in the final week (or month (or year)) of school but the College Board, supported by Brophy itself, has thoroughly trashed any chance of that. Four-hour
exams? Piles and piles of shrink my way through firewalls until wrap? Saxophones? Something I found it - a long email chain doesn’t add up. proving that the administration was colluding with College The first problem that didn’t Board to host in-person exams add up, of course, was question and purposefully lower exam 268 of my Calculus exam. The scores. second problem that didn’t add up was Brophy’s strange When I saved the evidence and obsession with having the started frantically shouting tests in person. The school about the scandal in the plaza, wants us to do well, right? This my fellow students looked policy called that sentiment concerned and I was quickly into question. Now, the optics detained. It’s clear my peers of the situation are one thing, were in on it too... but the proof is in the pudding. Or emails. One or both of the It was fun while it lasted, two. After having a nice bowl FalconOfTruth of pudding, I set off hacking J. Bern
Could my life get any worse?!?! By: William Hays ’21 Desperation. Despair. Hopelessness. These were all words seniors used to describe a new epidemic sweeping upperclassmen across the nation: grad parties. At first, these events appear to be harmless and perhaps even fun. The truth, however, tells an entirely different story.
When pressed for comment, Par T. Yer ’21 broke down in tears, prompting Wrangler reporters to question whether the horrific circumstances had gotten to him or if he had Lunch A that day. After 20 minutes, he finally responded, “It’s just too much, man. These parties have taken over my life. I no longer have any time to myself.” Assuming he was joking, the real-news reporters* began to walk away, only for Par to bellow, “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MY LIFE
Update: Senior commemorative arthritis meds just arrived; pick up in SAC
News in Briefs
Farewell, Brophy.
By: William Hays ’21 Well… this is it. After four eventful years at Brophy College Preparatory, it’s time for seniors to say, “Goodbye. Adiós. Adieu. Ciao. Sayonara. Bon voyage. Create an account with Duolingo to learn a new language every day.” You get the point. The end is finally
@BrophyWrangler
IS CRUEL AND UNFAIR. SOPHOMORES ONLY HAVE TO WRITE SRPs AND JUNIORS SIMPLY HAVE TO STUDY FOR AP TESTS THAT THEY’RE WOEFULLY UNDERPREPARED FOR. MEANWHILE, I HAVE TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS AND PRETEND TO BE EXCITED FOR MY 5TH TOPGOLF TRIP OF THE DAY. WHY?” Hearing the screams from afar, teachers rushed to put an end to Par T. Yer’s nonsense, causing him to hitch a ride to his next party, never to be seen again. In the commotion, though, Yer accidentally dropped his pocket calendar. The contents were terrifying. The following shows what his typical Saturday looks like:
7:13 AM - Wake up, notice time on phone, go back to sleep. 9:36 AM - Repeat. 10:32 AM - Finally wake up, get ready. 11:30 AM - Attend Grad Party #1, attempt to enjoy leisurely swimming with friends. 1:25 PM - Attend Grad Party #2, destroy opponents during every go-kart race. 3:02 PM - Existential crisis. 3:05 PM - Wallow in anguish. Ask strangers for pity. 3:07 PM - Pretend nothing happened. 3:30 PM - Attend Grad Party #3. Golfing (again)! The schedule was stopped here due to its graphic nature. Nevertheless, Yer’s tale provides us a solemn reminder of the dangers of having too much fun. *Checkmate, Roundup.
• Seniors start getting very annoyed at freshman saying “SHEEEEESHHHHH” randomly, happy to leave • Timid senior taking a gap year because he is “really unprepared to be a freshman again” • CDC updates vaccine side effect list with these widely reported reactions:
• With anatomy lab renovations complete, Mr. White explores development of new taxidermy lab; Chewie mysteriously vanishes • Ms. Toshner concerned that her baby has only just started algebra • Admin finally schedules prom for Class of 2020; of course makes it glassesthemed • Wrangler editors express understandable amount of remorse after being mentioned in two consecutive Roundup editions • Senior decides to decrease Instagram presence, limits himself to 34 “collegebound” posts per day • Class of 2021 editors disgrace Wrangler legacy, end Ivy League attendance streak • Team Campion seniors “had no idea that Thursday was Senior Skip Day” • Dean Pidgeon ’08 exacts revenge on Class of 2021 with fake Saturday JUG; seniors retaliate by actually completing the time • Senior doodles butterfly masterpiece on AP Calculus FRQ; awed grader left with no choice but to give five • FBI feels bad, gifts U of A men’s basketball team with “No Shining Moments” music video • Senior JUG’d for wearing collared shirt; admin cites wasted potential for college t-shirt photo
Fun commemorative brick layout turns into targeted bullying campaign
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21
THE OPPOSITE OF NINETY DEGREES COUNTERCLOCKWISE FROM THE OPPOSITE OF THE HOMONYM OF THE HOMOPHONE OF “WRITE” THAT MEANS “OPPOSITE OF WRONG”: In an update to its brick policy, Brophy has included special characters in its list of available carvings. While this change has opened more avenues for graduates to express themselves as they set their legacies in stone, it has also been commandeered by those with malicious intent in the name of creative bullying via arrows. Once peers hear that a graduate with an unfortunate name has purchased a brick, five others will purchase their own bricks in quick succession in hopes that they get placed in such a way that the unfortunately named student is permanently embarrassed.
Senior programs garner widespread support
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 With the completion of the “Dutch” athletic building well in the rear view mirror, the administration has been exploring new ways to enhance Brophy’s campus. With the pandemic having disrupted the entire year, hearts have gone out to the seniors - this has inspired Brophy to embark on not one but two construction projects. First, the front lawn won’t be so expansive anymore. Crews have already broken ground for the installation
of six pickleball courts, eight shuffleboards, and a all canes, walkers, toupees, memory foam insoles, large, gated senior-only walking path. The class of and more. 2021 insisted that juniors would not be allowed those youngsters would just be too noisy. This unprecedented move is garnering attention from schools all over the valley. Just yesterday the Second, an addition to the Great Hall is scheduled Phoenix Union School District superintendent for completion in 2023. The 20,000 square foot introduced a task force that will complete a expansion will house a full medical supply store, comprehensive report on the benefits of programs allowing those in need to go straight from the specifically designed for the senior community. senior line at The Corral to their one-stop shop for
Miscount Tire Yelp reviews
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 As the economy starts to bounce back from the pandemic slump, we thought we could help out a bit by advertizing the reviews of some of the “The mechanics were quite rude - they screamed hardest hit businesses. One of our local companies at me and forced me to stay and read them a story is Discount Tire’s sister organization, Miscount while they worked. I had places to be!” Tire. “Hey, a broken clock is right twice a day. I got four “Sooooo… My car still has three tires. Ever since new tires for the low, low price of a sippy cup and I took it to Miscount Tire a week ago, my gas a bag of Cheerios.” mileage has plummeted and I periodically see sparks coming from the front left side of the car.”
“I visited Miscount Tire yesterday and have gotten in six accidents since then. It might have something to do with the tire they duct-taped to my windshield but still investigating. Friendly service, though!”
“No matter how much I press on the gas pedal my car won’t move. It also feels a lot lower to the ground for some reason...”
“Yes, the rumors are true. All the mechanics are babies. However, they needed someone to teach them how to fix cars and all of a sudden I’ve found myself a new job!”
“The address listed on the website is wrong - it took me to a place called Recount Tire. All I wanted was a couple of new treads but all I get is a couple of wackos demanding an election audit for all of Maricopa County!”
Join The Wrangler!
The Wrangler © 2021
Next year’s editors are telling us that they want you to join. What’s so wrong with failing Senior Synthesis just so you can participate in The Wrangler another year?
Editing Board:
Going right for the JUGular
By: Jackson Bernreuter ’21 As the school year comes cleaner campus.” Former to a close, the rate of Dean Higgins agreed distribution of JUGs with the sentiment, has uncharacteristically noting that “the most been through the roof. efficient way to complete Furthermore, reports a campus beautification have surfaced claiming process is with the that the administration unpaid labor of high is targeting seniors in school students.” an effort to make sure every single student has Sources report that there received a disciplinary is speculation among infraction before they administration whether leave Brophy - a huge or not it is a good idea blow to the senior-admin to hand each senior a relationship. JUG slip along with their diploma during The Wrangler recently graduation. Other tactics confirmed the rumor on for increasing the JUG our exclusive, nationally rate include making televised one-on-one “Justice Under God” the interview with Dean sixth category for the Pidgeon ’08, where he Graduate at Graduation expounded that “the so- and barring students called conspiracy is all from graduating until a part of Brophy’s Earth they are proficient in all Week pledge to have a six.
Head of Outreach:
Jackson Bernreuter ’21 Bobby Munhall ’23 Will Hays ’21 Head of Twitter: Ian Murphy ’23
Advisers: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
Editing Coordinator: Head of Graphics: Wednesdays after school in B202. Contact an editor or adviser to get involved today.
Nick Hahne ’22 Ryan Lin ’22 Disclaimer: All jokes are completely literal. Printed on recycled Roundup editions.