News in Briefs • Mr. Danforth sarcastically travels to Republican National Convention, ends up re-registering as Republican • New poll shows Brophy students would rather have Pokémon Go gym than new practice gym • Protest arises as Senior Assassins goes awry, leaving another silverback gorilla caught in the fray • Freshmen perplexed by the weird, joke-ridden newspaper handed to him during break • The Wrangler and The Roundup team up; neither one has any idea which news is satire and which is real • Diabolical freshmen thwarted in attempt to build “Killer Robot Army” in Innovation Commons
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R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
September 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Fifty-One
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The Wrangler
New Devon Allen statue pushes back gym opening By Michael Murphy ’18
YOU SEE IT: The Devon Allen ’13 Memorial Statue has set construction back months, but has been deemed a necessary feature that the Dutch just wouldn’t be complete without.
The giant pit of despair from the 2015-2016 year seems to have a reason: a new practice gym named “the Dutch.” The Dutch made great progress over summer and now looks to be finished sometime this semester. However, there seems to have been unexplained delays to the opening of the new gym, says Director of Facilities, Ms. Sherri Stephens. Speculations now loom among the student body as to what could be added to the plans to delay the opening. Special interest requests surfaced last week, with sports teams and faculty sending in possible additions to the gym. The crew team wants to dig a moat around the gym to have a closer place to practice. The Fishing Club wants to create a fish hatchery inside the gym to have open fly fishing every week. The Video Game Club requested a specialized gaming room, loading with all of the new technology. The Quidditch team called for a regulation-size Quidditch pitch in place of the planned basketball courts. The Ski and Surf Clubs could not decide between the addition of an artificial ski slope or an indoor wavepool. Even Coach Molander got in on the action, requesting a sauna to be placed in the weight room. However, the most absurd request may have been made by the track team, who asked that an indoor track be installed.
Despite these requests and speculations, it remains widely unknown as to what new additions are being made. Until now. The Wrangler, with its deep connections into the heart of the development team, is now unveiling the new plans to the gym. The Wrangler can now confirm that the new practice gym will have a bronze statue of Devon Allen ’13, commemorating his awe-inspiring run through to the Olympic finals. “Fifth place in the race, first place in our hearts,” said Principal Mr. Ryan. The specific dimensions remain unknown, but we do know that an order of a 100 feet by 50 feet block of bronze was ordered to Brophy last week, so expect a statue of relative blue-whale size.
Are you smarter than a ninth grader? By Mark John Haak ‘18
“Every year the freshmen get smaller and smaller,” says every sophomore, junior, and senior since the dawn of time. This may be true physically, but what about mentally? How do the smarts of an incoming freshman compare to that of a rising senior? To answer this question, The Wrangler played a good old fashioned game of Are You Smarter Than a Ninth Grader?.
• Mr. Davis ‘09 drafted in third round of NBA draft after stellar intramural performance VS
• Student with C in Government joins anarchist group • Dutch explorers establish new colony in new gym • Brophy Football fears the third ‘L’ in the new “Brophy Colllege Prep” t-shirts foreshadows future “Loss” • Dead grass tells of student body’s dead motivation • Brophy t-shirt cannon goes rogue; shoots at other team’s fans • Sophomores confused about college counseling arrive at ASU for lunch meeting
Freshman Joey Frosh ’20
Senior Almost Dunn ’17
Question 1: Who’s the Principal of Brophy? Freshman: The only administrator I know is Mr. Ward.
Senior: Bob Ryan, AKA Batman.
Question 2: Where did the new gym, “The Dutch”, get its name? Freshman: The Netherlands.
Senior: Holland.
Question 3: Who founded Brophy? Freshman: Saint Ignatius.
Senior: Mama Brophy.
Question 4: Where is the Brophy Art Gallery located? Freshman: I’m not taking art this semester.
Senior: Top of the Gym.
Question 5: What’s the secret of Kairos? Freshman: What’s a Kairos?
Senior: Hahahaha.
Question 6: How much are passes to the pool on the roof of the gym? Freshman: I bought one from a senior for $5.
Senior: I sold one to a freshman for $5.
The results were conclusive: If you’re not a ninth grader, chances are you’re smarter than a ninth grader.
Innovation Commons: Learning facility or Brophy sweatshop?
Faculty summer vacations By Mark John Haak ‘18
YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK, BUDDY: Mr. Middlemist lived out his wildest dreams and rode the Star Wars ride at Disney Land 487 times.
By Michael Murphy ‘18
In the past year or so, the Information Commons have been transformed into the Innovation Commons, and if you haven’t taken a saunter down to the basement of the gym, there is a layout that is, in the formal sense of the word, popping, with 3D printers and design computers are abundant. You can see a Freshman class of “innovators” creating new and interesting items with the machines at work. If that last sentence sounded a little suspicious , you’re not alone. For a long time, The Wrangler believed in conspiracy theories as to what REALLY goes on down in that classroom. It seemed a little odd that Brophy automatically sends its freshest students down to that new facility in order to “teach” them and make them “learn”. All of this proof that we made up is enough to assume guilt already, but we went further anyway.
experiences down in that classroom, such as Riley NoComment ’19, who said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Another Sophomore named Manuel Labor ’19 had nothing more to say than, “We don’t speak of those times.” Given these weird, somewhat dark comments, we at The Wrangler were now committed to the investigation of this so-called “class.”
MAYBE A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, PERHAPS? Mr. Danforth went on an email scavenger hunt at the Democratic National Convention.
We investigated the class and discovered something appalling. These young children, 14 and 15 in age, were being forced to do work! Homework, that is. However much we wanted to, we didn’t find much to prove the existence of any forced-work facility. The assumed guilt of the ring leaders of the sweatshop will not be revealed just yet, but we won’t stop in our investigation until we find the truth, or the truth that we want to be true.
THE HANDEDNESS OF 10 PERCENT OF THE POPULATION: Mr. McShane made no effort to escape the heat while stealing classified documents from a covert CIA base in Yemen.
We asked ex-freshmen about their
2020 Frosh Dance causes earthquake in the Phoenix metropolitan area By Nikolas Kirk ’19
A massive earthquake struck the Phoenix metropolitan area on August 26 around 9 P.M, according to the United States Geological Survey. The USGS reports that the epicenter was around Camelback Road and Central Avenue, and the Harper Great Hall collapsed during the natural disaster. Coincidentally, the 2020 France Dance took place around that time. Upon hearing the news, Mr. Agliano said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if all those freshmen caused the quake. All of that jumping and dancing had them falling in mobs of tens, almost like dominoes!” Some Student Council members have testified to the chronic tumbling of the freshmen at the 2020 Dance.
“I almost died trying to pick people up. Once one group of kids fell, another group came crashing down. It was like a horde of freshmen-tsunamis,” said one member. The DJ who was at the dance said, “I’m pretty sure my fat beats made those kids fall. They just can’t handle my heat.” The earthquake reportedly destroyed the Harper Great Hall shortly after the dance had ended. A building inspector told The Wrangler that “consistent, repetitive vibrations rattled the foundation” of the Great Hall. Anyone who has had five dollars and a freshman year at Brophy can attest to the loud, deafening sounds that come from the speakers at the Frosh Dance, formerly known as the Frosh Mixer. At this point, it’s almost certain the dance caused the quake.
Furthermore, some kids were apparently injured after a stage collapsed. There isn’t confirmation whether the stage buckled because of Coach Heideman’s breakdancing or because of the freshmen tumbling to the ground. However, the incident supposedly knocked a girl’s tooth out, almost broke an ankle, and turned a sweaty night into a bloody night, per some of the freshmen present at the dance. Despite the disastrous outcomes, Mr. Oldani said, “I’m not trying to brag, but our dance was so good that we literally partied until the building dropped. Nevermind, I’m definitely bragging. Critics have rated our dance a 9.99 out of 10 on the International Scale of Litness, which ranks higher than every single dance ever put on by another high school in history. Just saying.”
Join The Wrangler!
Editors Michael Murphy ’18 Nikolas Kirk ’19 Do you want to have something to do on those pesky Tuesday lunches? Do you want Mark John Haak ’18 to fulfill your dreams as a functional part of the Brophy community? Then join The Wrangler why don’t you! Submit to wrangler@brophybroncos.org.
Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96
A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2016
Coach Heideman, although shocked by the collapse of the Great Hall, was pleased with the event since “the temperature was slowly getting closer and closer to 212 degrees” as the freshmen danced and subsequently sweated. He is supposedly buying all the freshmen dance lessons as well because of their balance issues and the fact that he beat six kids in a breakdance competition. The general consensus, however, is that the generally positive experience of the freshmen at the 2020 Dance far outweighs the collapse of the Great Hall. Perhaps the Back to School Dance will collapse the entire Brophy campus. The freshmen will have to go and find out.