Active Family Magazine, November 2022

Publisher/Editor

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Travel Editor

Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com

Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area

Social Media Manager and Sales Manager

Trista Cambra-Flanders

Design/Production

Teresa Agnew Craft

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group

Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Contributing Authors

Amy Morin, LCSW

Renee Peterson Trudeau Jeanne Huybrechts

Elizabeth Kang Susan Stiffelman

Christine Carter, Ph.D. Tony Mosier

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note

As the year speeds to an end, the holidays are right in front of us. So much to do, and so little time! This year it’s time to stress less, say NO when needed, and ensure that YOU are taking care of yourself! We realize this is easier said than done, but hopefully our expert’s advice will help. Flip through this issue to find plenty of tips on how to stay healthy and sane this holiday season. Need more resources? Be sure to check us out on Instagram, @actvefamilymagazine, and head over to our website for a plethora of information – www.activefamilymag.com.

Enjoy your November and remember to take care of YOU!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

Celebrate “No”vember with 5 Research-Based Ways to Say No

by Dr. Laura Markham

“No”vember means it’s time to start saying no to the things that drain your energy.

‘Tis the season to practice saying no. Many of us frequently say “yes” to invitations, favors, and requests in order to avoid the difficulty and discomfort of saying “no,” according to the research of Columbia psychologists Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake. But saying “yes” when we mean “no” is a recipe for overwhelm and exhaustion.

Fortunately, there are ways to make saying “no” feel less uncomfortable.

Below are research-based strategies for saying “no” without ruffling too many feathers.

YOU’RE ASKED TO WORK LATE, BUT YOU HAD BEEN PLANNING TO TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF, LIKE BY GETTING OUTSIDE FOR A WALK

It’s hardest to decline a request when our reasons for doing so are vague, abstract, or seemingly unimportant—especially if we have to give our excuse face-to-face.

One helpful strategy can be to make our excuses more concrete. “I won’t get enough exercise today,” can feel like a weak explanation. But if you actually block off time for things like “hike with hubby” on your calendar, you’ll be able to clearly see when you do and don’t have time to work late. That way, you’ll be able to say “no” with more conviction — for example by saying, “I have a hard stop at 5 pm tonight because I have plans, but I could help you tomorrow.”

on. Then be candid: “I’m so sorry, but I’m not able to do more than my share this week.”

YOU’VE BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY AND ARE REALLY TEMPTED TO GO, BUT YOU’RE TIRED AND SUSPECT THAT YOU’RE GETTING SICK.

We human beings will often choose what is most satisfying in the present rather than what will be best for our future, especially when the present option is as pleasure-packed as a party.

We make better decisions when we visualize the future, rather than thinking about what we will miss out on now. Think about the last time you skipped sleep for a party. Visualize what happened in as much detail as possible. How did you feel the next day? Ask yourself: What will I look and feel like tomorrow morning if I don’t stay in and get some rest tonight?

As a bonus, when you have your most important priorities already blocked off on your calendar, you’ll be able to see when you actually do have time to help out. Offering those times to help out can make saying “no” even easier.

A COMMITTEE, TEAM, OR GROUP ASKS YOU TO TAKE ON MORE WORK BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL “TOO BUSY.”

Saying “no” to a group can be especially hard, as we risk disappointing not just one person, but many. However, we probably don’t need to worry as much as we do. Because of what psychologists sometimes call the “harshness bias,” we often believe that people may judge us more negatively than they actually do. The reality is that most people won’t think less of you if you say no. In fact, people tend to respect us more when we are able to set healthy limits.

Then in your response, summon your crystal ball: “Right now, in this moment, I want to go with you to that party more than you can imagine. But I know that I will regret it if I do. I can see my future if I go to that party, and I know I’ll be too tired to enjoy tomorrow if I go.”

YOUR PLATE IS ALREADY TOO FULL

It’s counter-intuitive, but being short on time makes it even harder for us to manage the limited time we do have. That’s according to Harvard behavioral scientist Sendhil Mullainathan and Princeton economist Eldar Shafir. In their book Scarcity: Why Having Too Little Means So Much, they explain that the busier we get, the more likely it is that we will have a harder time saying “no” to the next request.

The solution? Practice your reason for saying no before you need it: “I wish I could, but I can’t take on any more responsibilities this week.”

How best to say no in this situation? Take a moment to call up the respect for yourself that you’d like others to feel for you. It takes courage to consider your own needs and priorities along with the needs of the group, but in the long run it always feels better than being dumped

When we are stressed and tired, we tend to act habitually. Knowing this, we can train our brain to habitually say “no” rather than “yes” to requests by rehearsing a go-to response when people ask us for favors. Research shows that when we make a specific

plan before we are confronted with a request, we are far more likely later to act in a way that’s consistent with our original intentions.

SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO THEM A LITTLE UNETHICAL FAVOR, LIKE COVER FOR THEM WHILE THEY SKIP WORK.

Americans tend to admire strong individuals who don’t cave in the face of peer pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to reject an unethical request. In a series of studies published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, psychologists had participants ask strangers to perform unethical acts—such as vandalizing a library book by writing the word “pickle” in it.

Fully half of the people asked to do something unethical did it. To say no to a request like this is even more difficult

when it comes from a friend. To do so, we need to put our values front and center, reminding ourselves—and our friends—what matters most.

In this situation, two things are important: 1) compassion for your friend’s troubles and 2) your own integrity. Express both of these. Say “no” clearly, and repeat yourself using the same words, if necessary: “I’m so sorry that you are struggling right now, and I wish I could help. But I can’t lie for you. Integrity is really important to me.” “No” may be very difficult for your friend to hear—as difficult as it is for you to say. Stand your ground. Repeat your compassionate refusal as many times as you need to. By using the same words with each repetition, you indicate to your friend that you aren’t going to be influenced no matter how much pressure he or she lays on.

TAKE THE PEACEFUL PARENT HAPPY KIDS ONLINE COURSE

This course is for you if:

• You want to help your child WANT to cooperate, without yelling, bribes, threats or punishment.

• You want support to feel more confident and peaceful as a parent.

• You want to yell less and connect more.

• You want strategies for those moments when you’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re stuck.

• You just wish someone would give you the words to say.

• You want to strengthen and sweeten your relationship with your child before he or she gets into the more difficult years ahead.

• You and your partner want to get on the same page with peaceful parenting. Dr. Laura encourages you to share this inspiring experience with your parenting partner. There is no additional charge for you to share your account to access the Course, as long as you live together.

• You know you could handle things better with your child, but you get too angry.

• You’ve read Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids or you follow Dr. Laura's newsletters, but you want more support to put the theory into practice. This course

deepens the work of the book and gives more focus than the newsletters.

• You’re a coach or parent educator. This Course will help you support parents more effectively. And when Dr. Laura Markham accepts a new group of trainees to become certified as Aha! Parenting Educators, taking this course before applying will be a required prerequisite.

Things are basically fine at my house. Will I still find this course useful? Yes! This is an opportunity to put guided effort and energy into your family life to fine-tune your approach and shift things to a new level. You'll learn specific skills to strengthen all your family relationships, work through your own issues, and coach your child. And by the end of the course, you'll find that you have a lot less drama and a lot more love in your home.

The Next Course begins in January 2023. Registration will open on Monday November 28, 2022

Don't miss the early bird discount of 10% off for those who enroll in the first two weeks of registration. Just use the discount code EARLY BIRD at checkout.

>> REGISTER HERE <<

Transformational coach/author/ speaker Renée Peterson Trudeau is passionate about helping parents come into balance through the art/ science of self-care. She's been featured in The New York Times, Good Housekeeping, Spirituality & Health and more, and thousands of women in ten countries are becoming RTA-Certified Facilitators and leading/joining self-renewal groups/retreats based on her award-winning curriculum. She is the author of several life balance books including The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal and Nurturing the Soul of Your Family: 10 Ways to Reconnect and Find Peace in Everyday Life. She lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and 15 year-old son. Subscribe to her weekly, award-winning blog Live Inside Out here and check out her upcoming retreats at www.ReneeTrudeau.com .

5 Ways To Experience Rest & Renewal This Holiday

by Renee Peterson Trudeau

Yesterday I spent an hour with my December calendar–not penciling things in, but revisiting pending events and making intentional choices that support a more open, spacious, restorative winter schedule.

Does the thought of hanging lights and attending holiday parties make you want to grab your sherpa blanket and run for the nearest cave?

It would be an understatement to say this year has been emotionally intense. In addition to the chaos we’ve all been experiencing on a macro-level, most of us have felt over-scheduled, overworked and unable to unplug. Many of us have navigated big career and life challenges—and we’ve had little time to integrate these changes. Frankly, we’re exhausted. We’re ready for rest. Not a relaxed evening by the fire, but a serious stretch of lazy days, long naps, walks in the woods, deep nourishing slumber and joyful, easy, simple connections with friends and family that feed us emotionally and spiritually. What we most need in the coming weeks is not the latest iPhone or one last trip to the mall,

but permission to rest, relax, unplug and do nothing.

However, with all the expectations, activity and invitations that come with this season knocking on our door—what are we to do? I challenge you to take the road less traveled and take a radical stand for what you most need this year. Consider the following five ideas to help you do less:

• Schedule down time now. Block out periods on your calendar during the holiday season for “dedicated relaxation,” where your only job is to unplug from electronics and rest. Schedule half-days, full days, weekends or an entire week if you can swing it. Maybe you’ll feel like a nature hike when your period for renewal rolls around or maybe you’re better served by staying in your pajamas, turning off your phone, sipping on hot tea and watching the leaves fall from the trees. Make downtime a priority and schedule this now so you can honor your commitment to deep to-the-bones self-renewal.

• Just say no. Decide what’s most important to you and let everything else go. If it’s not an “absolute yes,” then it’s a no. Don’t want to miss Aunt Tracy’s special Christmas Eve dinner, but feel exhausted at the thought of attending your neighbor’s cookie exchange? Just say no and let it go. You’ll be glad you did. The opportunity will come back around next year. Our quality of life is always enhanced when we let go of things-not when we add them. Check out my popular 9 Ways to Say No list from my award-winning/ pioneering self-care primer, The Mother’s Guide to SelfRenewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate and Re-Balance Your Life.

• Ask for help. Give yourself permission to ask for and receive help, whether it’s cooking, gift giving, socializing or hosting family. Do it different. Be willing to let go of tradition for the sake of enhanced emotional well-being. Step out of your comfort zone, reach out to friends, neighbors and coworkers and ask for their help during the holidays so you can create more space for yourself and your family to just “be.” What are three things on your plate right now that you could delegate, outsource or ask for support around?

• Do less to experience more. Positive psychology researchers say we’re happiest when we keep things

simple and have fewer choices. We create stress when we try and cram too much into our schedules and then try to control everything we’re juggling. My colleague, author Joan Borysenko says, “Your to-do list is immortal; it will live on long after you’re dead.” How can you simplify your plans (do you really need to go chop down your own Christmas tree, make your mom’s famous Cathedral-stained glass cookies and host your husband’s department dinner)? Popcorn, hot cider and an evening of great conversation with people who let you show up “warts and all,” is hard to beat. Do less, so you can experience more.

• Unplug and spend time in nature. My friend Richard Louv author of the Nature Principle says, “Time spent in nature is the most cost-effective and powerful way to counteract the burnout and sort of depression that we feel when we sit in front of a computer all day.” I call nature the ultimate antidepressant and re-set button. If anyone in my family is exhausted or out of sorts, off to the greenbelt we go. Typically during the holidays, my family unplugs completely and heads to the Davis Mountains in West Texas to enjoy some of the darkest night skies in the world. Being in nature offers us nourishment and renewal on all levels-physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. It is a powerful, restorative and healing force. Tap it.

There is an innate push and pull that many of us feel during the winter season. As the Dec. 21 Winter Solstice approaches–the longest, darkest night of the year–our natural rhythms are calling us to slow down, reflect, go inward and contemplate where we’ve been and where we want to go. (Think of our friends the bears, they’ve got it right!) Counter this with the world around us that is swirling madly with activity and constantly telling us to do, eat, buy and be more. It can feel quite confusing, exhausting and overwhelming.

I challenge you: do it differently this season. Pause and enter the holiday season mindfully and with a clear intention. If the call to making rest and renewal a priority resonates with you this holiday, make this number one for yourself and for your family. Then, you can bound— instead of crawl–into 2023 fully present, refreshed and clear on how you want to use your energy in the New Year.

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT:

– Wild Plumas –

by Elizabeth Kang

Hereat Active Family, we love a good glamping spot, andwe’ve recently found one that blew us away with their gorgeous, secluded location, unique, personalized experience and amazing attention to detail. Located on a 50-acre preserve, Wild Plumas is everything we love in a glamping spot, and then some. Luxurious safari tents provide the ultimate in comfort and convenience.

Fifty acres of stunning forest, meadow and river provide privacy, peace and plenty of acreage to explore. With just five clamping sites, this secluded and private refuge is truly a one-of-a-kind experience, and we can’t wait to return.

Located in Plumas County, Northern California, Wild Plumas was nearly lost to the 2021 Dixie fire, which devastated the town of Greenville, just 1.5 miles away. The family-run business miraculously escaped the fire, and continue to offer personalized experiences to families and groups looking to unwind, unplug, and re-connect with nature.

OwnersJosie and Dan Litchfield and their children enjoy welcoming guests and their “fur babies” to Wild Plumas, where spacious glamping sites boast warm showers, comfortable bedding, cozy fire pits, outdoor kitchens, queen or king-sized beds and couches await guests. There’s also room to park the RV at the sites, which adds another layer of convenience and comfort.

Once settled, guests have their run of the place, where kids can explore, play games, ride zip lines, enjoy arts & crafts, and more. Families connect with nature through hiking, swimming in the numerous river “watering holes,” floating on the picturesque river, and simply exploring the glorious “Lost Sierra,” — truly nature’s playground. In the evening, the crystal-clear, starry sky makes for excellent star gazing, too. If wanderlust should temp you farther from the property grounds, the team at Wild Plumas is happy to give directions and suggestions on where to hike, swim and explore in the nearby area.

The Litchfield’s have included thoughtful touches to the campsites, making them as comfortable and convenient as possible, including leaving coolers of water at each campsite for cooking and cleaning. The semi-private outdoor showers invite guests to wash the day’s dirt away with relaxing hot water in a clean, safe environment. Families and friends enjoy borrowing from the complimentary basket of board games for late-night game nights, and there is a wonderful open area for daytime roaming and free play.

Josie and her family have also set up an area dedicated to crafts and gift items. One popular activity families love is rock paining, complete with rocks found on the property that guests are allowed to take home as keepsakes.

Wild Plumas was everything we loved about camping (cooking over an open fire, exploring nature, sleeping beneath the starry sky, ) and nothing we don't like about camping (setting up tents, packing up bedding, ect.) Word is getting out about this unique glamping experience, and with only five sites, reservations fill up fast. Now’s the time to book for Spring and Summer to experience a memorable family getaway like no other.

WILD PLUMAS

1323 Greenville Wolf Creek Rd. Greenville, CA 95947 (530) 375-0431 www.wildplumas.com

If you notice any mental health struggles in your child last beyond the holidays, don’t hesitate to reach out for help from experts. Choose Mental Health is a stigma-free space to explore, communicate and get answers on how to solve mental health problems in our youth. We offer a library of resources for parents and provides resources for families including a network of providers to address even the most complex cases.

Safeguarding Your Child’s Mental Health this Holiday Season

by Tony Mosier, MFT

Tony Mosier, MFT, is a Co-Founder of Choose Mental Health, a nonprofit leader in youth mental health advocacy that provides scholarships, resources and education to families in need of mental health care. Through its network of providers, they connect families with the resources, clinical care, and financial assistance to end the youth mental health crisis.

The weather is getting colder, the days are getting shorter and the holiday decorations are already on sale at every major retailer. At the same time, stress is also starting to build. Families are starting to plan travel, decide who is hosting which holiday and beginning to budget for holiday gifts. There is no denying that the holidays are a stressful time for us all, but this season can be a particularly triggering time when it comes to mental health for kids and teens.

Even if children don’t share that they are stressed or feeling sad during the holiday season, we should acknowledge that they may be feeling this way. During this time of year, family is often synonymous with home; and when a child finds themselves spending more time at home than normal, their family situation is amplified. On top of that, schedules are often hectic during the holidays as they’re forced to navigate family gatherings, holiday parties, school commitments and more. To help ensure the holidays don’t have a negative impact, parents must make the extra effort to safeguard their child’s mental health.

DON’T FORCE QUALITY TIME

The holidays can be busier than any other time of year, but they also present an opportunity to have a larger quantity of quality time with our children. Stopping, slowing down, and making a concerted effort to be present can go a long way in helping a child feel safe and supported when they are stressed. We tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to create special family moments during the holidays. The meal has to be just right, the gifts have to be perfect, even if a family is financially stressed, and meeting all of these silent

expectations put entire households on edge. That can be a tinder box waiting for a spark and at times like this it is important to stop, slow down and be present for our kids.

Instead of striving to spend as much time with our kids as possible, because holiday time is “family time,” parents should seek to schedule dedicated time to connect with their children outside of the holiday hustle and bustle. The special moments we strive to experience with our kids during those forced “perfect” holiday moments will likely occur more naturally as a byproduct of the time we take to simply be present amongst our family.

Of course, as with all things in life, there must be balance. While parents should strive to spend time with their kids, it is possible that an extreme amount of time together may overstimulate them and create a new form of stress. To keep that from happening, be sure you’re giving them the space and time needed to decompress so they can come back to the family refreshed and relaxed.

It doesn’t hurt to prepare for these moments by intentionally scheduling family time before the holidays hit. Start by doing this after dinner a few times a week. Try asking your kids open ended questions about how they’re feeling ahead of the holidays, finding out what helps them relax when they are stressed and using the time to practice being present and in the moment. Starting with a bit of practice can help make quality time much easier to achieve in the height of the holiday chaos.

PREPARE KIDS FOR THE DAY BEFORE IT STARTS

Speaking of practicing and preparing, the holidays are a time when everything is amplified: love, frustration, loneliness and resentment among many other feelings. It is important to be aware of and take stock of your child’s triggers, insecurities and anxieties. After doing so, plan your family’s schedule accordingly. To do this, practice forecasting and frontloading for your children.

Forecasting means giving your kids a heads up on the agenda for the day so that they can mentally prepare for the novelty of this different routine. Setting the scene for an abnormal routine can help prevent unintended consequences from big surprises during the day.

Frontloading helps to prepare kids for moments that may be triggering to them. As an example, if you have a child that gets jealous and resentful of their sibling, sit down with that child and check in with them knowing that holiday plans will likely trigger those negative behaviors. Actively checking in with your kids multiple times during the holidays lets them know you are a safe space to go when they start to feel those negative behaviors creeping up. Preparing your kids for these triggers can help them put more energy into combating them and hopefully results in a more positive experience during those situations.

PUSH BEYOND ONE-WORD ANSWERS

These efforts to prepare kids in advance will only work if you’re able to bypass their defenses. One of the most common defenses are FOG words. Have you ever asked a child, “How are you?,” and received the response, “Fine,” “Ok,” or “Good?” These are FOG words. To see through the fog and get past the one-word response, ask your child open-ended questions like, “What activities are you looking forward to during your break from school?” If they still respond with FOG words, don’t give up – work to communicate with your kids in different ways to push past those words.

Young people sometimes struggle with the right vocabulary to describe their feelings, so texting may be a less stressful way to express themselves. Parents can also write notes to their kids and encourage them to write back. Notes can be a great option because kids can save them and look at them again and again. Communicating with your kids can be a bit of trial and error, but when you find the method that clicks, a whole new world opens in your relationship.

Kids deserve our help and support and to not be afraid of their thoughts. Making the holiday more fun by being willing to set tradition aside to accommodate others’ interests, talking about the plan for the holidays in advance and empowering children to communicate in ways that are best for them can help the entire family share in the responsibility of making the holidays fun. This creates a common ground for celebration, which can be both powerful and empowering for children and reduce anxieties in a sometimes-stressful holiday season.

Susan Stiffelman, Huffington Post Parent’s weekly advice columnist (“Parent Coach”), is an engaging speaker whose presentations leave audiences upbeat, entertained and fortified with practical strategies that will make an immediate and significant difference in their day to day lives. Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child therapist, a credentialed teacher, and a highly regarded parenting coach. Instead of offering standard, scripted advice to parents about how to control their children, Susan focuses on helping them be what she calls the Captain of the ship their children need and naturally want to cooperate with, confide in, and respect. Those who attend Susan’s presentations routinely email her office with thanks, and a request to come back again!

9 Tips for Managing Stress

by Susan Stiffelman

I have 2 kids — 6 1/2 and 5 years old. My husband works long hours and I am alone with them most of the time. It seems like all I do is scream and yell, because my stress level is so high. Money is short and I’m tired all the time. When something breaks down — yesterday it was the dishwasher — I fall apart in front of my kids. Now my children are hitting and having lots of meltdowns. What should I do to get a handle on things?

One of the most challenging things about being a parent is the fact that our

children are always watching us, taking their cues about how to handle life’s ups and downs from what they see us doing. Whether we’re gripping the steering wheel at a red light because we’re late for an appointment, or shouting at someone who took the parking space we had our eye on, their cameras are always rolling.

When we handle stress in unhealthy ways — with anger, blame, shouting and so forth — we teach our children to do the same. As hard as it is to manage life’s difficult moments, your children are helping you see that it may be time to look for healthier ways to offload your stress.

Here are some tips that should lighten your load:

1. Simplify your life. Most of us take on more than we can handle, and then feel resentful about having said “yes” when we wanted to say “no.” Be brave about trimming your commitments down to those that are either essential or bring you satisfaction or enjoyment of some kind. It may be that you have to bow out of the PTA bake sale so you have time to walk with a friend once a week. Do it!

2. Get enough sleep. One of the best ways to boost your ability to cope with stress is to get more rest. The average person needs 7 to 8 hours a night to recharge. When we shortchange ourselves on sleep, we can experience problems with mood regulation, focus, memory, illness and (of course) stress. If you need to take an afternoon nap with your toddler instead of tackling the dirty dishes, take the nap. The more rested you feel, the better able you’ll be to deal with life’s challenges.

3. Don’t take things personally. Have you ever wondered why a particular experience can cause one person to feel terribly hurt, while another shrugs it off as no big deal? People who are more easygoing don’t take things as personally, and are less caught up in winning approval. Rather than letting your blood boil when your mother-in-law suggests that she never had problems getting her children to clean up their toys (really?), allow her comments to roll off your back without turning them into a declaration about your

worth as a mother.

4. Exercise. One of the best ways to fortify yourself against stress is to exercise regularly. Not all of us are gym rats; I understand. But think about what you loved to do when you were a child. Did you like to jump rope? Ride your bike? Choose something that you actually enjoy, and consider finding an exercise buddy to make it more fun. Not only will you be better able to cope with stress — you’ll be in better health, too!

5. Aim for imperfection. Many of us have internalized someone else’s voice in our head — a critical parent or teacher, perhaps — and feel that we’re never good enough. Aiming for constant perfection creates ongoing stress. If you’re too tired to clean your house before your relatives come for dinner, allow your best to be good enough.

6. Breathe in, breathe out. A few slow, calming breaths can instantly reset your stress-meter. Some people like to recite a word or phrase like, “Calm…calm…” or “peaceful…peaceful…” while breathing deeply. Others like to hum, or even sing. You may want to explore meditation. Even a few minutes a day can work wonders at helping re-set and get grounded; there are even free guided meditations available online. Whatever gets you breathing and physically relaxed will help you manage your difficult moments with more grace and ease.

7. Play. Remember what it was like to have fun? For many parents, life is about crossing things off a to-do list. Without time built into each day for nourishing our spirit, we become more vulnerable to frustration and stress. Laugh. Tell jokes. Draw. Have a dance contest with your children. These small acts can make a big difference in your stress level by helping you reconnect with the playful and happy parts of yourself that can get buried under the list of things to do.

8. Get support. For most parents, the tasks involved with raising children are endless; they keep us running from morning to night. If you’re exhausted or need a break, ask for help. Get to know a few other parents who will

swap school drop offs, pick ups, or even join a rotating afternoon homework club that moves from house to house. We are meant to raise children in a tribe or with the support of an extended family. If you don’t have a network of caring, trustworthy people to lean on, it’s time to create one.

9. Do one thing at a time. Most parents try to juggle far too many tasks at once, in the name of efficiency. This can lead to tremendous stress, not to mention mistakes. Slow down. Focus on the one thing you’re doing at a given moment — whether it’s serving a snack or changing a diaper. Even more, give your children your undivided attention for at least 10 to 15 minutes a day when you aren’t trying to get them to

do something. Receiving your positive attention will have the added benefit of motivating your children to be more cooperative.

Life in today’s fast-paced world can wear us down, causing us to be increasingly vulnerable to stress as we feel burdened by the never-ending demands placed upon us. Consider these tips, and take time to reevaluate where you can make adjustments in your daily life that will help you handle those difficult experiences more easily. You’ll not only be doing yourself a favor — your children will benefit from seeing their mom take care of herself. You’ll show them that they too can learn to cope with life’s frustrations in healthier ways.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, psychology instructor, and speaker. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do is on sale now. She's frequently quoted in national media outlets. She also writes for Forbes and About.com. For more visit AmyMorinLCSW.com

3 Ways to Stay Mentally Strong During Life’s Toughest Times

by Amy Morin, LCSW

Tough times are inevitable in life, whether you’re dealing with a serious health problem or you’re faced with a financial crisis. And it’s during those tough times that your mental strength will be tested.

Without adequate mental strength, life’s challenges can fill you with selfdoubt and anxiety. Those uncomfortable feelings can then lend way to negative thinking. This will affect your behavior, which can inadvertently turn your catastrophic predictions into self-fulfilling prophecy.

Staying strong in the midst of hardship requires you to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Paying attention to all three of these areas will help you emerge from your struggles even stronger than before. To remember how to stay strong during life’s toughest challenges, follow this A-B-C formula: 1. Accept reality.

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. Instead, it’s about acknowledging

what is happening from a realistic standpoint. For example, while you do not agree with things like racism, you can accept that they happen. Digging in your heels and saying, “I shouldn’t have to deal with this,” only wastes your valuable time and energy. Accepting what is happening right now— regardless of whether you think it’s right—is the first step in deciding how to respond.

For example, one person stuck in a traffic jam says, “This isn’t fair! Why do these things always have to happen to me?” His thoughts cause him to feel angry, frustrated, and anxious. He starts banging his fists on the dashboard or screaming at other drivers.

Another driver stuck in the same jam reminds himself, “There are millions of cars on the road every day. Traffic jams are bound to happen.” His point of view helps him stay calm and he listens to a podcast while he waits for cars to start moving again.

Accepting reality is about recognizing what’s within your control. When you can’t control the situation, focus on controlling yourself

2. Behave productively.

Accepting reality helps you manage your thoughts and regulate your emotions—which are key to productive behavior. The choices you make when you’re faced with problems determine how quickly you’ll find a solution. Even when you’re faced with a problem you can’t solve—like the loss of a loved one—you make choices about how to respond.

Unproductive behavior, like complaining or throwing a pity party, will keep you stuck. Those behaviors will rob you of mental strength.

3. Control upsetting thoughts. Your mind can be your best asset—or your biggest enemy. If you believe your negative thoughts, your self-limiting beliefs will prevent you from reaching your greatest potential.

Thinking, “This will never work. I’m not good enough,” or, “I can’t stand one more minute of this,” will keep you from reaching your goals. It’s important to recognize when your inner monologue becomes overly pessimistic. Remember that just because you think something, doesn’t make it true.

Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a trusted friend. When your thoughts become catastrophic or unhelpful, respond with a more realistic statement that confirms your ability to handle your struggles.

You can even create a mantra that you repeat during tough times. Doing so can help you quiet the negative chatter that threatens to drag you down.

Build Mental Strength Before Strong Is the Only Choice You Have

Building mental strength is similar to building physical strength. You may not think about your mental muscle until you need it the most, but a crisis isn’t the best time to try to build mental strength. You don’t want to wait until you have to lift a heavy object to start building your physical strength, right? Pumping iron for five minutes before you move a couch isn’t going to do you much good. But steadily building strength over time can ensure you have the muscle you need when you have more weight to carry.

So it’s important to ask yourself, “What’s one thing I can do right now to help myself?” Whether productive behavior involves facing a fear or doing something you really don’t want to do, take action.

Think of mental strength in the same way: There will be times when you’re going to need all the mental strength you can muster so it’s important to make mental strength training a daily habit. And then, when you find yourself going through tough times, practice the formula. These three steps can help ensure that your struggles just make you stronger.

Photo courtesy of The Wilde

Ultimate Mom’s Getaway

- SEDONA -

by Elizabeth Kang

In between work, laundry, groceries, helping with homework and the million other things moms are inundated with on a daily basis, trips away with girlfriends are few and far between. That’s why it’s important to get the most out of those all-too-rare getaways. Thankfully, there’s no need to travel great distances to experience one of the most breathtakingly beautiful places on earth, because this dreamy, otherworldly destination is just under a two-hour flight from the Bay Area.

Sedona is simply magical. There’s good reason it has become the new influencer hot spot and must-see, bucketlist destination. This desert oasis offers jaw-dropping scenery, along with a bevy of upscale hotels, incredible restaurants, and charming shopping. That’s a recipe for the perfect spot to experience the ultimate mom’s getaway.

After enjoying an incredible weekend away with three of my closest mom friends, I’ve got the inside scoop on where to stay, what to experience, and where to eat, drink and shop.

Where to Stay

The Wilde Resort and Spa — The Wilde features a full-service spa, refreshing pool with bar service, gorgeous grounds, and spacious, tasteful rooms. This four-star resort boasts incredible views of Sedona’s famous red rocks and an excellent location right in the heart of downtown.

We loved staying at The Wilde because of its convenient location, reasonable room rates, and ultracomfortable accommodations, which boasted luxury bedding, and oversized bathrooms. The view from our spacious balcony overlooked stunning red-rock mountains and a charming grass courtyard. Enjoying our morning coffee overlooking the peaceful courtyard was a ritual

I looked forward to, as was our nightly chats around the gorgeous outdoor fire pits, where we made s’mores, stargazed, and rehashed the days’ events.

The Wilde’s on-site restaurant, Rascal, serves up a wonderful breakfast, lunch, and dinner, along with a great happy hour serving delicious margaritas and scrumptious small bites — don’t miss the Ahi Tuna Tartar Nachos!

Photos courtesy of The Wilde

What to See

Hiking Views –- Sedona is known for its natural beauty, rugged terrain and stunning scenery, so it’s only natural that hiking here is a huge pastime. Hiking is the best way to take in the breathtaking views of jutting red rocks and otherworldly landscape. Some of the more wellknown hiking trails in Sedona are Devil’s Bridge, The Birthing Cave, and Cathedral Rock, but there are dozens more to choose from, from relatively easy to grueling. Get an early start, when the weather is cool and and parking is still available.

Slide Rock State Park — This popular attraction is nature’s playground, with natural rock waterslides and a frigid but refreshing swim hole. This 43-acre State Park is located in Oak Creek Canyon, just a short drive from Sedona. Enjoy a refreshing afternoon at this beautiful state park, which is a great place to head after a sweaty morning hike. All you need for a good time at Slide Rock Park is your bathing suit, a water bottle and snack, some money for parking, and an adventurous spirit.

Sedona Airport Scenic Lookout — Want to take in the best views of Sedona without all the work of a hike? Head to the Sedona Airport Scenic Lookout, where you can park, walk just a few feet, and take in one of the most gorgeous sunset views you’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s a popular spot at sunset, so get there early for the best position.

Photos courtesy of Bonnie Hansen

What to Experience

Pink Jeep Tour — Probably the most popular attraction in Sedona is a Pink Jeep Tour, an absolute must when visiting. It’s impossible not to notice the ubiquitous bubble-gum-pink jeeps packed with smiling tourists all over the city. These fun jeeps ferry visitors to the very best sites that Sedona has to offer; to some hardto-reach spots that only 4-wheelers can access. There’s a Pink Jeep Tour for every type of adventurer, from the easy-going Broken Arrow tour to the jaw-dropping, white-knuckle Scenic Rim 2.0 tour (a true 4-wheeling, offroad adventure!) My group had an absolute blast on our sunset Scenic Rim tour, where we enjoyed thrilling 4-wheeling and some of the most scenic views we’ve experienced. I highly recommend booking a Pink Jeep Tour when visiting Sedona.

Healing Vortexes — Sedona attracts people from all over the world, many of whom are drawn to the area’s natural, healing energy. Many attribute this energy to the healing vortexes said to be abundant in the area, which are thought to emit or radiate, from the majestic red rocks. These vortexes are said to be places of swirling, healing energy, which attract people searching for medical cures, pain relief, or simply those in need of an energy, or spiritual, rebalance. Some of these vortexes are said to be found in areas by Cathedral Rock, Bell Rock, Airport Mesa and Boynton Canyon.

Photos courtesy of Bonnie Hansen

Where to Shop

Tlaquepaque Village — A visit to Sedona isn’t complete without a long afternoon of shopping in the ultra-charming Tlaquepaque Arts & Shopping Village. This stunning outdoor market gives off the loveliest old-world Mexico vibes, full of trickling outdoor fountains, cobblestone pathways, Spanishstyle archways, and lush greenery. The market provides plenty of welcomed shade, and is brimming with wonderful shops, from art galleries to clothing boutiques, and gourmet finds. A particular favorite of our group was “Spirit & Spice,” which allows guests to sample its gourmet, flavored cream liquors in a delicious assortment of flavors, such as Aztec Chocolate, Bananas Foster, Pineapple Mango, and Tiramisu.

Photos courtesy of Bonnie Hansen

Where to Eat & Drink

Elote Cafe — This extremely popular Southwestern-inspired hot spot is always busy, so be sure to make reservations well in advance of your trip to Sedona. However, the wait is long for good reason, because the food is astoundingly good. Pro tip — sipping a delicious prickly pear margarita at the bar immensely eases the pain of waiting for your table. Once seated, immediately order the creamy and heavenly Eloté dip to share at the table, which is a dish our group was craving weeks later.

Mariposa Latin Inspired Grill — We felt like the stars were aligned when we snagged an outdoor table at this amazing restaurant that gave us panoramic views of the Sedona mountain range. The breathtaking scenery was only surpassed by the delicious food and flawless service we experienced at Mariposa. This upscale restaurant was extremely memorable and perfect for celebrating our last evening in Sedona.

Photo courtesy of The Wilde

LOL – The Power of Laughter and How Reading Lets the Joy of Laughter Ring Loud

by Jeanne Huybrechts, Straford Schools

“A smile starts on the lips, a grin spreads to the eyes, a chuckle comes from the belly; and a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, overflows, and bubbles all around.”

— Carolyn Birmingham, author

Is there any sound more wonderful that a child’s laugh? Often when we think about children, we have a vision of fun, play, and laughter.

Psychologists have reported that the laugh of an infant activates reward centers in a parent’s brain, reinforcing continued playful interactions that produce more laughter. Laughter really IS contagious! Research has also shown that laughter reduces levels of stress hormones and even improves blood flow to the heart. I personally never tire of hearing children laugh and laughing along with them. I once heard a baby-laugh ringtone that made me laugh out loud and briefly

contemplated installing it on my mobile phone!

We all need a laugh right now, so we have compiled our favorite LOL list of books. There are read-aloud books for preschoolers and a variety of stories for readers at all levels – beginning readers to preteens. Some are goofysilly, others witty and clever, some include gorgeous illustrations, a couple offer relatable life-lessons learned through misadventures or embarrassing moments -- and ALL will make the reader laugh out loud. If you give any one of these books as a gift, and you’re not reading it yourself, be sure to ask your young reader to share the funny parts. Then prepare to giggle.

PRESCHOOL

This Moose Belongs To Me Written and Illustrated by Oliver Jeffers

How can a book that is so beautiful also be so funny? This book has so many quirky moments you will absolutely have to read it twice. We start out with Wilfred, a very organized young boy complete with suspenders and a bow tie, and his pet moose Marcel, who isn’t always good at following the many constraining rules of being a pet. Through the book, they take a journey to stunningly painted mountain landscapes in which they meet other “owners” of the moose. Wilfred needs to learn not to stifle his new pet’s outgoing personality in order to maintain his part ownership. A great lesson in boundaries, expectations and the value of being open-minded and willingness to adapt in order to solve a problem.

KINDERGARTEN

Gilda the Giant Sheep, Written by Emiio Urberuaga, and Translated by Ben Dawlatly

Opening with a drawing of a house-sized sheep named Gilda and a bunch of scheming shepherds, this gripping fable of Gilda’s escape from her farm is hilarious as well as poignant. The shepherds wake up one day too lazy to shear Gilda, deciding instead to “chop Gilda up and sell the meat at market.” Gilda’s extra large ears hear the evil shepherds, prompting her to leave and look for a new home. On her way she squeezes through a city, where selfie-sticks and cars frighten her off, prompting a King Kong-style skyscraper climb, "She looked like a huge wooly cloud." Next, she is rejected by a circus for not being able to swing on a trapeze. Gilda does find

her way, and her misfit status makes her final triumph more satisfying; there's a home for everyone, Urberuaga argues--one just needs to find it.

Mina Written and Illustrated by Matthew Forsythe This Academy Award nominated author/illustrator Matthew Forsythe brings us a silly new book with museum quality artwork. Mina is a bookworm mouse who lives in a beautiful forest with her eccentric father. Dad goes daily into the world, bringing back surprises for Mina, such as rare art (used postage stamps) and a megaphone (a rusty tin can). She’s okay with all of this until he brings a large “squirrel” that looks suspiciously like a cat to live in their tiny home. One visitor then leads to several felines moving in. How Mina and her dad navigate their new guests is hilarious, and becomes even funnier as the cats chase the family up a tree. Mina confronts the three cats and says, "Stop! We shared our home with you! Our food! Our toothpaste! And this is how you repay us? By trying to eat us?" Should Mina have trusted her dad? Will they talk their way out of this mess? Do large praying mantises read the same books as mice? So many questions, such wonderful drawings with which to ponder them.

GRADES ONE AND TWO

The Leaf Thief Written by Alice Hemming and Illustrated by Nicola Slater

A fast paced, hilarious, and possibly even sneaky way of teaching kids about the changes of the season. Adorably hyper squirrel is upset because his leaves are going missing. Searching all over the forest, accusing his fellow animals of thievery, Squirrel is followed by his best friend Bird. Bird keeps trying to explain why the leaves aren’t staying around. Cute drawings and a very frustrated squirrel keep the laughs coming. Everything is finally making sense, and then, “Bird! Someone has stolen the grass!!!” Sigh, it is called snow. A valuable and concise two-page explanation at the end of the book will help young readers understand seasons. This book is also good for talking to young ones about how to accept change, and how transitions can be scary and frustrating.

Chick and Brain: Smell My Foot, (series) Written and Illustrated by Cece Bell

From the Newbery Honor author of El Deafo, here is a

great new offbeat graphic novel series for beginning readers. The hilarious duo of a sarcastic baby chicken and a shorts only-clad kid with a brain that is so big, it rests on top of his head. Constant goofy misunderstandings and miscommunications keep the reader turning the page to see what’s next. Brilliantly constructed with only about 120 different words, I couldn't help but notice that Chick and Brain rhyme with the characters from school primers Dick and Jane; what a way to bring early readers into the present! Book two in the series is titled Egg or Eyeball, which has me laughing already.

GRADES THREE TO FIVE

The Bad Guys (series) Written and Illustrated by Aaron Blabey

This relatively new format called a hybrid graphic novel, which combines text with lots of drawings, is fabulous for reluctant readers. The “Bad Guys” are all pretty scary: The Big Bad Wolf, Mr. Snake, Mr. Piranha, and Mr. Shark. The wolf gathers them all together for the first meeting of “The Good Guys Club” in an attempt to change their reputations by doing good deeds. As the motley crew break a bunch of dogs (wearing prison uniforms) out of the animal shelter, all the dogs run away, terrified of their “scary” rescuers. I challenge anyone to read this series and keep a straight face.

This book is one part Indiana Jones, one part Treasure Island and two parts laugh out loud silly. A goofy teenager and his motley crew travel around the world to seek the secret tomb of Genghis Khan, causing and then solving problems, and teaching the readers history at the same time. Addison is a funny kid, seemingly able to talk his way out of any situation. His sister Molly trusts him and is willing to use her skills learned from eight weeks of martial arts training. Raj is a daredevil and constantly jumps in when others are in danger. Eddie manages to whine and find the worst in any situation. While Addison and his cohorts always get involved in huge messes, they escape using their vast knowledge of history and archeology, demonstrating that it is OK for kids to be both goofy and studious all at once.

MIDDLE SCHOOL

Addison Cooke and the Tomb of Khan, (series) Written by Jonathan W. Stokes

Most of us have heard the phrase, “Laughter is good medicine!” When we laugh, physical changes take place that affect our internal organs. As we draw in oxygen-rich air our lungs, heart, and muscles are stimulated. Research shows that when we laugh, endorphins are released in the brain to produce a feel-good emotion. Laughter has been shown to boost our immune system and improve our cognition/ understanding of a situation. Humor and laughter are important social skills and can assist children as a stress reliever when challenges present themselves. Laughter is a happy sound; easily understood in every language. It is one early childhood developmental skill that you can easily reinforce and enjoy while you are laughing out loud together!

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