Remember in 1997, for example, when you decided to release that altered version of A New Hope? The one you filled with lies suggesting Greedo shot first? I mean, sure things got rocky for a minute there, but I continued to love and admire you nonetheless. I even had your back when the rest of the world turned on you for creating Jar Jar Binks. But this time you’ve gone too far, George. Way too far. I recently skipped ten meals in order to purchase Star Wars: The Complete Saga on Blu-ray. Upon purchasing said collection, I rushed home, eager to begin a marathon movie night with my all-time favorite space adventure. As I popped the $100 discs into my Blu-ray player one by one, I had only a single expectation: higher quality versions of my old Star Wars VHS tapes. Imagine my surprise, then, to have been presented with ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FUCKING MOVIES. Let’s begin with all the little, unnecessary changes you made to our classics. The ones that serve absolutely no purpose other than to annoy me and mess with some of the only childhood memories I have left. Let’s talk about those, George. Were you simply trying to spite me with these little, unnecessary changes? Because I know what Luke says to R2 when that swamp creature spits him out in The Empire Strikes Back, and it’s not “You were lucky to get out of there.” It’s, “You’re lucky you don’t taste very good.” I know this, George, because every time I watched Empire during my pubescent years (and we both know there were a lot of times), I would rewind and replay that part over and over, giggling to myself at the unintentional sexual insinuation. It was childish and inappropriate, but it was kind of my thing. And now it’s gone. And let’s talk about how you decided to pierce my eardrums and scare the absolute daylights out of me with this ten-times-amplified Krayt Dragon call in A
Let’s begin with all the little, unnecessary changes you made to our classics.
Jessica shows off her dedication to Star Wars over the years, including its influence on her wardrobe and choice of tattoos.
22 // Wildflower Magazine // Sci-Fi Issue 2012