special needs
Saying it Right Talking to parents of kids with special needs by Sheryl Gray
h
e is so-o-o lucky to have you for his mom.” “I could never do what you do. You’re so strong.” “Special children are only given to special people.” Knock me off my pedestal, quick, before I believe any of that is true. I may be mom to a child who is differently abled, but I do confess: I get frustrated and lose my patience. I get overwhelmed and cry (happy and sad tears). I am quite special...to my own family and friends, same as you. Parents of children with special needs are parents first. Like many other parents, we’re winging it and learning as we go. Every baby is different, every child is different, and as parents, we tackle challenges as they arise. A raging tantrum, a bout of croup, a broken leg, an urgent surgery... we’re all doing the best we can, and we figure it out as we go.
We’ve got a lot in common Sameness can be difficult to see when there’s so much that looks different. Different can make it hard to find the right words. Being politically correct can be a moving target, and make conversation awkward at best. Does my child have special needs, is he differently abled, or is he handicapped? Acceptable terms vary with geography, culture, and aren’t consistent across different special needs communities. In Greater Vancouver, Autistic child is fine to say, whereas child with Down syndrome is preferred. Confused? Don’t be, just ask. Most parents of kids with special needs would rather you used any words instead of keeping quiet. “Before I had my son, I’m pretty sure I didn’t always use correct terms or was aware of potential sensitivities,” says Danielle Gibbons, mom to a two-year-old boy born with Down syndrome and transient leukemia. “I’m happy to answer questions about my son, as long as they come from a genuine place of trying to understand and learn.”
educate about ASD. “I’ve had some questions come from places of real ignorance, or on controversial topics, and I’m cool with that. I’d rather people ask than make assumptions,” says Tobias.
Linda Tobias has two boys, ages five and six, and agrees with Gibbons. The wording isn’t the most important thing; it’s the sentiment behind what’s being asked or said. When it comes to questions about her older son, who has autism spectrum disorder, she appreciates the opportunity to
Polite questions are usually well received by parents of kids with special needs, as long as they don’t come attached to judgment. “What’s wrong with her?” “Didn’t you have prenatal testing?” Yes, people ask these questions, and worse. When we see someone ambling over with a curious smile,
16 WestCoastFamilies.com
Questions, please
sometimes we do get our backs up, just in case. “I find I am always searching people’s faces for their reactions to my son, trying to determine their tolerance and acceptance of him,” says Alana Brittain, mom to a 10-year-old son with Down syndrome and a 17-year-old son who has a gifted designation. “I’m good with questions from people who want to understand, but comments can be really challenging.” Brittain, a teacher, endured a colleague remarking, “I thought you could take care of that kind of thing these days.” Judging comments, even the well-intentioned ones, are best left unsaid. The fact that your sister’s neighbour has a friend