WINNER OF THE 2014 EDIT ORS’ AWARD IN PROSE
Murder at the Turtle Pageant Emma Wren “Everyone comes to the turtle pageant,” sounds like a thing that would be said about the turtle pageant by most of the people who come to the turtle pageant. These people are mistaken. These people come to turtle pageants. I was dragged here, kicking and screaming [only in my head, (my aunt has a shitty knee) though I did yell “no”]. My aunt and her shitty knee got into turtles a while ago. Her regular knee got into them too. Do I have to tell you that? I think it’s implied, but better safe than sorry, like my aunt always says. She’s said that maybe twice. We’re in the gym of the neighboring town’s high school. They have lots of championship titles in field hockey. They must suck at everything else. All the folding tables are arranged haphazardly, except for the row beneath the basketball hoop. The tables under the hoop function as a sort of stage. Beneath the opposite hoop is the taped-on racetrack. Here’s the way the turtle pageant works: the first round is for dressing up your turtle. Most people stick to a general theme like “doctor” or “cowboy,” but some people like to try celebrity costumes too. This never goes well. Then there’s a talent portion. You’d never guess how many turtles specialize in eating lettuce. One time, my aunt told me, someone tried to get their turtle to eat arugula instead of regular lettuce and it threw up all over its detective outfit. Turtles have such delicate palates. After that, there’s a race. This part is always the saddest. Everyone lines up their turtle on the sad gym floor and there are sad strips of masking tape to delineate each lane and they strike this mini gong that looks like a burnt silver-dollar pancake and the turtles are supposed to, I don’t know, race? They just sit there and wonder why they aren’t getting more lettuce for this bullshit. My aunt’s first turtle was named Bruce. R.I.P. Bruce, I guess. I forget how Bruce died, but it wasn’t natural. She found Bruce by a pond, stole
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WREN: MURDER AT THE TURTLE PAGEANT