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I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m doing I’m not really listening to you because I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t enjoy any of this because I don’t know what I’m doing Congratulate me. Fine. I don’t know what I’m doing It’s luck I don’t know what I’m doing It’s too much. I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t read enough because I’d rather not know what I’m doing it’s fucking hard not knowing what you’re doing everyone else don’t know what they’re doing I don’t care. I don’t care they don’t know what they’re doing this is my knot and I don’t know what I’m doing It’s my nest and I don’t know what I’m doing This is my mess. And I don’t know what I’m doing I walk a thin beam. And I don’t know what I’m doing If I fall they’ll say I didn’t know what I was doing if I keep walking, I didn’t know what I was doing IwanthelpIdontwanthelp I don’t know what I’m doing Nothing makes sense. I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know what I’m doing I’ll tread water and not know what I”m doing
A MISERABLE BLANKET Heavy, sneering A miserable blanket sits on the house A scolding compress Breathing its furious mist into every corner WHAT!? It spits when you look at it Fuck off it snarls Hissing misery under the doors. Glowering with unfounded hate Allergic to love Nothing helps A miserable blanket Constrictive Choking A cold scarf around the throat of happiness A miserable blanket killing this house
UN(EN)TITLED The patriarchy is a mirror Undulating intoxicating impossible An audio visual reflection Distorting voices and faces and turning each in on itself and back on each other The patriarchy is the smoke A swirling toxic fog that incites violence and cancer and taxes The patriarchy sees us coming. Turns the spotlight glare and ups the amps The lumins prickling and pointing and uncountable voices rise to scream Look at them Look at their flaws Look at them fail See The patriarchy is ice Then water Then gas It hurts to hold With fluid defence and then All that’s left is a reflection The patriarchy is an executive toy Click and clack and complex Can you crack it Paperwork and algebra and turning beauty into science and back again so it’s incomprehensible unless Unless You can learn the language Break the code Go deep If not, blame yourselves Who else is there? The patriarchy is a mirror Which is actually perfect So I can do my lipstick
CHAPTER 6 I was waiting for my jelly to set. Growing up in the ‘80s this was what we did for fun. As a child a minute felt like an hour, an hour felt like a day and a day was a month. Every month I would open the fridge and shake the bowl to check, but it was always still in a water state. These days it doesn’t feel like it takes four years for jelly to set, but usually that’s because there is no jelly to set. As an adult you have the authority to eat from concentrate, freeing up your time to wait for something else.