The Wake, Issue 11, Spring 2012

Dumb College Kids

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Northern Spark

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Music Fest Breakdown May 2012

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editorial

Production

Editor-in-Chief Maggie Foucault

Production Manager Ryan Webert

Managing Editor Alex Lauer

Graphic Designers Steph Mertes, Sean Quinn, Ryan Webert, Taylor Wichrowski

Cities Editor Alyssa Bluhm

Voices Editor Alicia Johnson

Sound & Vision Editor Zach McCormick

This Issue Cover Artist Angie Frisk Photographers Dusty Hoskovec, Keit Osadchuck

Art Director Keit Osadchuk

Web Editor Eric James

Seeing as I'm graduating college in 11 days, I wanted to share with you the things I've learned here at the U. I was going to compile an extensive list that thoroughly explained the good and bad habits I've picked up over the last four years, knowing that some underclassman out there might find it useful. I thought, "You know, I could actually better somebody's college experience." To be honest, I don't really remember what it was like to be an underclassman. So instead, I wrote a haiku about what life is like as a senior. Yep, a haiku. Because they're easy and I have too much work to do.

Enjoy.

Advertising Managers Cooper Henckel, Steve Sitek

Business Advisory Board James DeLong, Kevin Dunn, Courtney Lewis, Eric Price, Morgan Mae Schultz, Kay Steiger, Mark Wisser

ramen noodle life no sleep, no sun, no laughter graduation... please.

Illustrators Josie Keifenheim, Jiun Kim, Samual Lindsay, Keit Osadchuk, Sean Quinn, Taylor Wichrowski

Contributing Writers Mitch Ambrose, Alyssa Bluhm, Maggie Foucault, Elizabeth Ireland, Alicia Johnson, Alex Lauer, Tyler Lauer, Alicia Losier, Elissa Mann, Juan P. Ramirez, Kelsey Schwartz, Steve Sitek, Emily Trenholm, Logan Wroge

©2009 The Wake Student Magazine. All rights reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for the students of the University of Minnesota.

11:11 The Wake Student Magazine 1313 5th St. SE #331 Minneapolis, MN 55414

Ryan Webert Production Manager

(612) 379-5952 • www.wakemag.org The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.

The Wake is published with support from Campus Progress/Center for American Progress (online at www.campusprogress.org).

DISCLAIMER THE PURPOSE OF THE WAKE IS TO PROVIDE A FORUM IN WHICH STUDENTS CAN VOICE THEIR OPINIONS. OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THE MAGAZINE ARE NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF THE PUBLICATION OR UNIVERSITY AS A WHOLE. TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION EMAIL MFOUCAULT@WAKEMAG.ORG.

cities

Your new favorite study spot.

Nolte first floor fire lounge

Off Campus

Warm, cozy, and silent: the Nolte fire lounge. Tables, comfy chairs, and a certain university atmosphere that makes you feel like smoking a pipe would be totally appropriate.

Espresso Royale

Guthrie The endless bridge makes for a good reading location on warm days. In addition, the yellow box has a certain ambiance that is perfect for thinking philosophical thoughts.

Mapps

Finals suck, but studying is less sucky in a good location. Here’s a list of your best bets for the upcoming weeks of craziness.

BY ELIZABETH IRELAND We all know those dumb people who have an amazing capacity to study any time, any place; the really horrible ones can actually study at home. Unfortunately, that is not the case for the rest of us. Constant distractions in the form of food, people, and the alluring presence of our beds make it completely impossible for the general population to get anything done at home.

Fortunately, there are tons of great places to study around here if you know where to look. I’m not talking about the second floor of Walter library. Everybody knows about that one, so naturally, it fills up during finals. Lame. Take a trip off the beaten path to find a space that works for you (and isn’t filled with goons who don’t know how to act in a library).

The Dinkytown standby. Dimmer, quieter, and cheaper than the competitors.

Across the street from Hard Times, Mapps Coffee & Tea is a friendly study haven with a warm and quiet atmosphere.

They close relatively early though, so you may end up at Hard Times anyway. Wilson Library is close too.

Take a trip off the beaten path to find a space that works for you Upper levels of Wilson Library I won’t lie; I have a special place in my heart for the basement of Wilson. When I really need to get shit done, the hushed cafeteria vibe is a perfect kick in the butt. But when that fills up (as it always does during finals week), the upper levels have plenty of welcoming nooks hiding between the stacks.

On Campus Top floor of the Biomed library Make the trek up to the top and be rewarded: silence and long hours are perfect for your most extreme study needs.

Keller skyway Ignore the evil glares of the engineering majors you’ve dethroned and enjoy your newly discovered sun-filled sanctuary.

The basement of the Rarig Center Unless you’re a theatre major or something related, you may have never even been in Rarig. But a wide-open space with comfortable seating and limited background noise makes for a totally (wait for it) obscure cram space.

PHOTOS BY KEIT OSADCHUK

Downtown Barnes & Noble

Lower levels of Walter Library Below the basement lies the subbasement. Below the subbasement lies the foundation level. Find them and enjoy hours of uninterrupted study bliss – there’s no way your cell phone is going to work down there.

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Who doesn’t like B&N? The downtown location is familiar and a good option for those who like to people watch during study breaks.

Empty Classrooms

Uncommon Grounds

One of my personal favorite ways to study is to commandeer an empty classroom. You can find classroom schedules online or just risk it. Either way, the familiar setting makes for easy concentration, and you control the noise level.

This coffee house (actual house, btw) in Uptown has louder music, cozier corners, and better chai (it’s called “orgasmic” for a reason) than any café in the area.

cities

Save the Drive-Ins:

A Love Letter to a Dying Breed

BY TYLER LAUER

Where can you take a girl on a date, watch movies, sit under the stars, make out, and get $1 hot dogs? Nowhere but the Drive-In (or maybe the parking lot of a Dairy Queen, if you’ve got a pickup truck and a laptop with long battery life, but let’s pretend that’s not an option). With movies at regular cinemas now costing $10.50 or more, and the candy/ popcorn/soda prices so out of control that if you get any snacks they’re likely to cost more than the tickets, it just doesn’t seem reasonable to go to the movies anymore. You might as well download them for free or wait for them to come out on “video.” It’s cheaper to buy the movie than to go to the movies, and grocery store snacks are much cheaper.

But what about the thrill of seeing a blockbuster on the big screen? With The Avengers, Spiderman, Snow White and the Huntsman, Prometheus, Rock of Ages, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the final Batman, etc. coming out this summer, I already feel broke. And I haven’t even factored in 3D/IMAX prices. So where do we go from here?

Do we need more Walmarts? No. Fuck no.

What we need is more Drive-Ins

SAMUEL LINDSAY

ROTFL: Colleage Kidz R Dumm!!!

Ugh, wtf Shakespeare!? Ur story Macbeth, that is so messed!!!!

BY ALICIA LOSIER Let’s be honest, we’ve all been fortunate enough to look over someone’s paper that had combinations of text-lingo, spelling errors, and the modern young person’s inability to formulate a proper thought in any sort of professional language. This inability has become a prominent epidemic and is working its way into spaces that should be approached with precision.

The reality is none of us can point the finger. We are all mildly guilty. There’s probably been a time when you’ve left a room murmuring in a completely serious tone “B-R-B”, or actually reacted to something with “W-T-F?” or “O-M-G!” Maybe every once in a while you’ve typed “your” when you meant “you’re.” There are even people with intellect that I greatly respect who use “lol” or emoticons in their emails or Facebook posts, excusably alongside the airheads we all love to groan at. But where’s the line? How long do we let “your so silly” slide? Or an even better question: what do we do with the people that write “ur” in their scholarly papers?

Sure, there’s an unspoken understanding amongst human kind that in the modern age, we have a developed and shared

movies! Or, if you go to Vali-Hi Drive-In in Lake Elmo, it’s $8 for THREE movies! Then you have plenty of money leftover for the $1 hot dogs. Needless to say, once we backed the truck into a space, tuned the radio to the soundtrack, and set up folding chairs and blankets, I fell in love. What freedom! I didn’t have to sit in a crowded theater and be quiet, but I could run around! Catch fireflies! Take photo-booth pictures during intermission! AND I didn’t feel guilty; even if I only watched one full movie, it was still a better deal than AMC. Also, I now had a whole truck to make-out in instead of two stadium-seats that were somehow perfectly manufactured to make a guy’s arm numb when he puts it around a girl.

So why write this article? The Drive-Ins are being taken away!

Format genocide! This time next year these two Drive-Ins may be closed for good. Times are tough, digital conversion is threatening to collapse smaller theaters, and THE MAN wants to build a Wal-Mart over the Cottage View Drive-In! A WAL-MART! Do we need more Wal-Marts? No. Fuck no. What we need is more Drive-Ins. More collective fun and less suburban sprawl! So this summer, go! Enjoy these summer essentials while you can. Bring a group of friends, or a girlfriend, and make a night of it. Save the Drive-Ins!

Drive-Ins. The best thing about summer. Until two summers ago I didn’t even know they still existed, but once I discovered them I had to go. I gathered up the buds (friends, not budweisers) and drove to the Cottage View Drive-In in Cottage Grove. It was a bit of a drive from where we lived, so we made some mix cds and packed a cooler of food to enjoy during the two movies. They actually let you bring in food!

Revolutionary! And it’s only $8 bucks for admission! For two

P.S. If you’ve got a minute (and I know you do), go to change. org, search “Cottage Grove,” and sign the petition against Wal-Mart destroying the Cottage View Drive-In.

technology dialect, the problem is that the lines are becoming blurred. This language is leaking into other areas of life that should remain sacred. It starts harmlessly as playful language used in a space that everyone agrees is for fun, but next thing we know, it’s hitting our academic and professional worlds with a demeaning blow.

the world and change it. Apparently, an integral and seemingly redundant part of college education should also be learning how to write, speak, and essentially communicate in a clear and effective manner, with proper spelling and tenses.

College students have been admitted on the premise that they are capable of surviving and thriving in the given learning environment. Then, after hopefully only four years, they are given a degree which represents that the university or college deems them knowledgeable in a given area. Finally, they begin the job search. But a degree is essentially useless if students can’t grasp their native language and communicate with professionalism and ease.

How will our generation pursue careers if they can’t even write papers without the beyond-colloquialisms that trickle from everyday communication? Surely resumes and cover letters are not exemptions if term papers are victim to such recklessness. What exactly does an interview look like if we can’t communicate in proper English? Let alone without accidentally saying “FYI, the, like, two years after school were legit: I was totally in peace corps.”

So I leave you with a wisely-put, modern proverb that can be found out there somewhere floating on the interwebz: There is a difference between ‘knowing your shit,’ and ‘knowing you’re shit.’

JOSIE KEIFENHEIM

A university is meant to be a place of higher education where people come to learn and develop themselves as potential professionals, to go out into

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cities

The Walker: More than “just a museum” Learning how to slow down, interact, and experience

BY ELISSA MANN Although it is one of the most respected contemporary art museums in the country, the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis embodies more than just a museum. It is an open environment where people from all walks of life can come and experience art. It is also a thriving community where both local artists and artists from all over the world can display their work in a non–traditional environment.

to incorporate as the new visual arts curator is to bring in projects that represent her research area: “alternative modernism.” This involves focusing on the art and art histories of Latin America and Asia. Kim explains that although not uncommon to the LA art world, art from these areas is not well known in the art worlds of New York or Western Europe. She also has a desire to bring in talented, up-and-coming artists who may not be as well known in the US.

One of the great things about the Walker is that the departments collaborate with each other and with the artists to make it possible to go outside the more traditional diameters Korean artist Minouk Lim, whose exhibit “Heat of Shadows” will open at the Walker at the end of May, is a great example of these types of artists that Kim and others at the Walker are trying to incorporate. Lim is a multimedia artist, and her show will be an eclectic mix of performance and documentary theater. She uses non–traditional stages to explore many themes including distant memories, lost space, and “the collective unconscious.” Lim’s exhibit involves three giant video installations as well as “wearable sculptures.” Head over to the Walker between May 31st and September 2nd to check out what will undoubtedly be a fascinating exhibit.

Although exhibits at the Walker often bring in international artists, Kim explains that it is important for local artists to be represented in the Walker collections. The work of Minneapolis photographer Alex Soth has been on display, as have many others. Art students from local colleges are also strongly supported and encouraged by the Walker community. The Walker often serves as a sort of bridge that connects students and professors to artists. Students can use people at the Walker as a resource to get in touch with different artists, giving them a way to get more involved in the art world.

Most people go through life in a big hurry; art encourages us to slow down

WALKER ART CENTER

There are three broad types of art represented at the Walker: Performing Arts, Visual Arts, and Film/Video Arts. Because artists don’t always work within just one discipline, there is a lot of overlap between the three categories. One of the great things about the Walker is that the departments collaborate with each other and with the artists, making it possible to move outside the more traditional diameters.

Clara Kim has recently taken the position as the Senior Curator of Visual Arts at the Walker. Former Gallery Director and Curator of REDCAT in Los Angeles, she began to work at the Walker in August of 2011. One of the aspects that Kim wants

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As well as supporting local artists, the Walker’s ECP department (Education and Community Programs) connects with other organizations, such as Juxtaposition Arts, to bring a variety of different types of art to the community. Juxtaposition is an organization for youth that trains students in visual arts and provides them with opportunities to get involved in the design world. The Walker will also be collaborating with Northern Spark, an all night art festival that will be taking place June 9th-10th. Various artists, writers, and musicians will be scattered about the Minneapolis Sculpture Gardens (which is right next to the Walker) and inside the Walker for a great night of local artistic awesomeness.

One of the roles of the center is “to reinforce the gain in the physical act of seeing.”

Most people go through life in a big hurry; art encourages us to slow down. Recently, it has been said that when visiting art museums the majority of people tend to blow through exhibits without really stopping to take the time to appreciate and experience them. As a curator, Kim and her colleagues make

specific choices that encourage people to slow down. This includes arranging and positioning the objects in certain ways that create an environment where people can take their time.

This also encourages a different sense of time, which allows the mind to unwind and take in the experience.

Learning to appreciate art, especially styles and pieces that we aren’t used to seeing, is very important to the Walker experience. “Anybody who is open enough can appreciate it,” says Kim when asked if there is a particular exhibit that is most popular. There isn’t a particular style that necessarily draws people, because each individual reacts differently to all kinds of art. There is often a tendency for people to write off contemporary art because it goes “over their head” or “it’s too weird,” but the Walker works to create an environment where people can feel comfortable and accepted. The only requirement for the viewer is to have the “willingness to be exposed.” This willingness involves learning a new way to interact; a lot of the viewer’s experience depends on how willing they are to engage in the work. Art is more demanding than other forms of entertainment. We can passively watch a movie, but art requires a sort of action on the part of the viewer. Kim explains it as being similar to reading poetry. Sometimes you don’t “get it” upon first read. But the desire to go back and try it again will allow us to look at the poem differently and perhaps gain a deeper understanding of it. It’s the same as art. The act of slowing down and looking allows us to think differently than the way we normally do when going about our everyday lives.

Walker Summer Events Look Ahead Minouk Lim’s “Heat of Shadows” Exhibit (May 31st–September 2) Northern Spark on Open Field All Night Art Festival (June 9th–10th) “This Will Have Been: Art, Love, & Politics in the 1980s” Exhibit (June 30th–September 30th)

Good To Know Don’t forget about free gallery admission every Thursday night from 5–9 and every first Saturday of the month!

voices

Sexist or Chivalrous?

A look at a society where men are afraid to open doors for women

BY ALICIA JOHNSON Imagine this: you’re a guy going on a date with a woman, when you get to the restaurant you want to be a gentleman so you pull out her chair. You think she would say thank you, but she yells at you! Yup, the times have changed.

Go back to 50 years ago in the United States and men had to do it all—open doors, stand up when women left the table, pay for meals—and they knew that. Although girls were

Are Google Glasses Good for Society?

BY MITCH AMBROSE

Google has done it again. Always pushing the limits of technology, they are now developing “augmented reality glasses,” glasses which both display information to the wearer by means of a visual display imbedded in the lenses and have all the functionality of a smart phone (including voice recognition, video chat, and GPS). No, this is not one of their famous April Fool’s jokes. It is a real product being developed by Google X Labs, the semi-secretive research and development division of Google, although it is unclear exactly what stage of development it is currently in. The device, unsurprisingly, has quickly come to be referred to as “Google Glasses.”

The fact that one of Google’s mottos is “Don’t Be Evil” is very telling. It means they are very aware that their position as a dominant technology company puts them in great position to exploit users The purpose of my article is to answer the following question: will our lives be better or worse with Google Glasses? I will argue that they have the potential to make our lives much worse. To begin, Google Glasses represent a tipping point in technological innovation. We have reached a point where it is possible to integrate multiple disparate technologies into a single, easy-to-use device. From a purely technological standpoint, this is a great accomplishment. That one device

treated like princesses, they were essentially viewed as hopeless, unable to survive without men. Well, years of fighting for women’s rights and equality have paid off. Nowadays women are more equal to men in our society. With that being said, there is now a giant gray area of which acts of service are sexist and which are chivalrous.

does not pay and I am not alone. Some women like to be treated to a nice fancy dinner and have the guy take care of her and if he does not offer to pay then women tend to think the guy is cheap or not a good guy. Recap for the guys: If you offer to pay, a woman can get mad. If you do not offer, a woman can get mad. Got a headache yet?

Call me old fashioned, but I actually get mad if my date does not pay and I am not alone

We are at an awkward place between two very different generations. We look up to our parents and grandparents who have taught us to always be nice and be chivalrous and that women need to be treated right. The generation below us is learning how to be independent and live equalitarian ways.

I’m sorry, did you think I was going to tell you how to treat a woman and tell you what to do? Since women are so different and everyone has a different perspective on what they view as sexist, it is hard to say what is right and what is wrong. The key thing to remember is, if this is a problem with someone that you care about, then you both need to talk about your feelings and where you are both comfortable with in ways of treating each other. If it is a random stranger who you are opening a door for, I’d say just be nice and if they get offended, who cares? You will probably never see them again.

Whether you are a guy or a girl, the norms for women are confusing. A lot of women are making as much money as men, so when it comes to paying for a date, who should pay? Independent women and feminists want to take pride in being able to take care of themselves so they would get offended if a man pays the bill. Sometimes the woman makes more money than the man and feels bad if he pays. Other women think men just pay in hopes of getting something in return, so they would rather pay for themselves so the guy does not expect anything. Call me old fashioned, but I actually get mad if my date

can have a level of functionality truly describable as futuristic is undoubtedly significant. One obvious consequence of this level of integration is that Google Glasses will make many tasks more convenient. Having hands-free control of a device which has features previously requiring multiple devices will be quite a time saver.

No, this is not one of their famous April Fools jokes.

But at the end of the day, increased convenience is a small consolation for the potential harms of the device. The fact that one of Google’s mottos is “Don’t Be Evil” is very telling. It means they are very aware that their position as a dominant technology company puts them in great position to exploit users. The amount of information that Google has access to is staggering. However, they can currently only gather information about your activity when you are online.

Google Glasses change this in that they increase the amount of time in which you are essentially “plugged in.” What this amounts to is that what traditionally were considered offline activities are now no longer necessarily disconnected.

Smart phones can be accused of doing this as well, but Google Glasses are especially blameworthy in that they are designed to encourage constant interface with the internet. There are of course laws regulating how this information can be used, but anyone who has read any amount of dystopian literature cannot keep their imagination from running wild.

I do not wish to dwell on this speculative line of argumentation. Instead, I will take a more concrete and defensible approach. Technologies such as Google Glasses are a part of a disconcerting trend of increasing reliance on technology to handle everyday tasks that previously required some amount of individual effort. In general, more information that used to be stored in our heads is now outsourced to technology.

At face value, this does not seem to be a bad thing. The more time spent filling our heads with higher order knowledge the better, right? Not quite.

JIUN KIM

There are certain skills that simply should not be relegated to technology. One of many examples is navigation. People should be confident enough to get around the area they live without constantly consulting a computer. In the case of navigation, GPS devices and smart phones can also be blamed, but Google Glasses are unique in that they encourage use of this technology in a very effective way.

I must stress that I don’t see Google Glasses as being an “evil” technology. In fact, I imagine that at some point in my life I will use them or a similar technology. But when I do so, I will remain vigilant against the negative influences of this technology on my lifestyle. I recommend that you do the same.

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feature

Minneapolis Visionaries Series: Steve Dietz

BY ALEX LAUER

Steve Dietz is the founder, president, and artistic director of Northern Spark, Minneapolis’ own Nuit Blanche festival which will hold its second-annual event on June 9th and 10th. What is a Nuit Blanche? Literally “White Night” in French, it is an art festival that happens from sunset to sunrise, with installations in place all over the city. Paris, St. Petersburg, and Toronto are just a few international cities that hold immensely popular variations of this festival.

With a successful inaugural year behind us, Northern Spark is looking to be even more fantastic and engaging in 2012.

Dietz, who is well-versed in curating contemporary and new media art, having worked extensively with the Walker, the Smithsonian American Art Museum, and other renowned institutions, is just the person we want in charge of it all.

KEIT OSADCHUK

Northern Lights.mn The Wake: We’re here to talk mostly about Northern Spark, but this art festival came out of Northern Lights.mn which you are the founder, president, and artistic director of, so could you explain what that organization is?

Steve Dietz: In Northern Lights basically we’re looking at the ways that new technologies enable artists to create new kinds of experiences in public space, and that can be everything from interactive lobbies to large scale projections to sort of small things that you discover as you’re walking down an alleyway and there’s some kind of sensor-based projects.

So basically Northern Lights supports artists working in public space in new and creative ways. We have a mentor program for five-emerging artists and we do big projects like the Giant Sing Along at the State Fair.

W: It’s Northern Lights.mn but haven’t you used this organization to go outside to different countries, or how does that work?

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S: We’re based here, but we’ll work anywhere, in the sense that—I think the Twin Cities has a lot to offer to the world and also bringing the world here. Right now we’re curating an exhibition at the New York Hall of Science that will open in October.

Art All Night W: Exciting. So how did Northern Spark, the Nuit Blanche in the Twin Cities, come about? Because you are the one who started this whole thing, so why did you think the Twin Cities needed this type of art festival?

S: Before Northern Lights I was running an arts festival in San Jose called the 01SJ Biannual which was an international festival of art and technology, and it had a lot of similarities— lots of partners, multiple media, day and night, indoors and outdoors, and it sort of never quite went all night. And so I always wanted to do that because I think there’s something really transformative about the night and what seems like your

everyday surroundings become really different, and a lot of artists are interested in taking advantage of that. So we basically got Heritage Funding in a new category called “Festival” and they said, “Do you want to do this?” And then we got some funding and went for it.

The Inaugural Event W: For people who maybe didn’t go last year, could you describe some of the more popular installations from last year to give them an idea of what this festival is like?

S: Yeah, I think one of the things that’s nice about a festival is you can have a real range of projects and they can be from large to small, from spectacular to more intimate; but, for instance, an artist whose name is Jim Campbell did a project called “Scattered Light” which was this cube of lightbulbs if you can imagine basically adding a Z dimension to a flat picture and then making it physical in space with lightbulbs.

feature

So it was a video projection, or a video image, very low-resolution, in St. Paul that people could walk in among or really back up from a long distance and see the video quite clearly, which was really spectacular.

We commissioned some artists from New York called The Notion Collective to do a sound installation on the top of the Foshay Tower which was really amazing. Piotr Szyhalski did a nine-hour performance in Father Hennepin [Bluffs] Park.

It was essentially raising a flag and lowering it and then choreographing a lot of events around that as well as re-staging a John Cage performance, or score, called “Empty Words” which is really about emptying out the meaning of language so it doesn’t have the same rhetorical bellicose possibilities that language often can have.

W: Yeah, I remember that one specifically in Father Hennepin Park. And that’s one of the cool things, that there are all these different centers—because the Twin Cities is a pretty spread out area. The cool thing about Northern Spark is that there are many centers of activity with lots going on spread out throughout the city. So did you “attend” the festival last year or were you just working?

S: [sarcastically] I was working hard the whole time.

W: [laughs] S: Actually I got to go around quite a bit, so that was good.

W: Do you remember anything distinctly either from one of the projects or people interacting—moments that stuck out to you?

S: One funny thing was, I was supposed to give some opening remarks on the Stone Arch Bridge and we had really no idea if anyone would show up or what. So I said to my family, “Look, I don’t really care if there’s a big crowd but I don’t want to be alone like some crazy preacher, so you’ve got to come out there with me.” And by the time we went out there we literally had to elbow our way through the crowd. It was just like, “Oh my god, this is really happening.” So I think the social aspect of all these people coming out and enjoying the city in a different way and different time was really amazing everywhere.

Think and Wonder, Wonder and Think W: You talked about how there’s a really wide range of artists and installations happening, so what’s the process of picking these different artists or groups or organizations in the Twin Cities to participate?

S: One of the things to say is that we look at Northern Spark as a platform and so the nice thing about a platform in my point of view is that it’s something that we can program and other people can program as well. So it’s not all about what Northern Lights is doing. Basically any organization can participate that has an inclination and sort of wants to support artists that are doing this work. They have their own process for selecting artists and then we have two ways: either I curate the work or we had an open call, and all together we supported about 25 different projects, but overall [there are] over 100 projects.

W: That’s great, because the Twin Cities is obviously a really bike-heavy community, but are there other ways for people to get around the festival? Last year you had free buses that traveled to the different locations.

W: So this year, all the installations that have been chosen are obviously going to be exciting an engaging, but are there any that you would recommend that people need to check out this year?

W: You talked about one of the reasons you’re doing Northern Spark is so people can experience the Twin Cities in a way that they never have before, so what about this festival in particular do you think accomplishes that?

S: Absolutely. A couple things. I asked artist Robin Schwartzman who graduated from the U last year to do a project for the Stone Arch Bridge and I’m still imagining that it would be a piece that goes across the bridge like a series of playgrounds almost, and I think she quite sort of smartly thought, “Well there’s way too many people. That won’t really work.” So she proposed a series of illuminated letters that spell out a phrase, “Think and Wonder, Wonder and Think,” between each of the arches of the Stone Arch Bridge. So 28 letters, 14 going in each direction. I think that will be really a spectacular, beautiful piece that you can see from all over the city.

S: There are a couple things. One is that it happens all-night long. We had this discussion with the Walker last year. Based on talking to other Nuit Blanche festivals I said, “Look, just open your galleries and when people are looking at your normal show at two in the morning they’ll really love it.” And they were a little skeptical, but then I got a text at about two in the morning saying, “You’re right!” So there’s something about that displacement, when you’re normally sleeping or partying or whatever you’re doing—a different kind of activity—that it changes your perception. That’s really, I think, a lot of what art is about, is changing your perceptions.

We have another project by a young artist from Chicago named David Rueter who has created these custom bike lights. Basically they flash like you would normally expect a bike light to flash but when they come close to each other they synchronize. It’s called The Kuramoto Project or 1000 Fireflies because sometimes you see this phenomenon with fireflies in the Smoky Mountains or sometimes in another place in Japan—all their flashing synchronizes. So we’re going to distribute 1000 of these bike lights at various times and places, and the idea is that as people ride around the festival they will come together and their lights will synchronize creating this kind of complex effect of running around together.

The other thing is that it’s indoors and outdoors. A lot of festivals are either the outdoor music festival or the indoor dance performance, so it’s a little bit of both. And I think there are very few festivals that bring together the Weisman Art Museum, the Science Museum, All My Relations, SooVAC—really a wide range of organizations that are performing arts, visual arts, media arts, etc.

The other thing is that we’ve added three new nodes, so the whole Greenway will be a project. We’ve got an area with about 20 projects. Weisman Art Museum is sponsoring a ton of projects. Last year they were closed. And then MIA and MCAD will be open all night just like the Walker. A few more nodes to go between and I think that’s one of the best ways to do it—to get your Kuramoto/1000 Fireflies bike light and then bike between Stone Arch Bridge, Walker, MIA, Weisman, Greenway.

S: We’re actually not doing the bus system. Last year we had free buses that went around and they were used a lot and ideally we would do that, but we’re not doing that this year

Experiencing A New Minneapolis

W: I went last year with some of my friends and some of them were more prepared than others, let’s just say that. So do you have any tips for people who are going into it this year without having gone last year? Or even for people who went last year, since it was the inaugural year?

S: I mean, I think it’s both, in the sense that if you can look at the website—we’re actually doing a mobile app this year. So if you can download that and identify a few projects you want to make sure you get, but then also at the same time be open to, “Oh, this sounds sort of interesting over here.”

One of the things that we’ll be doing in the mobile app is people can tweet, basically check in via-Twitter, and then we’ll create these heat maps and you’ll sort of see, “Oh, there’s a ton going on over here,” so maybe go that direction, or maybe go the opposite direction if you want to go where there’s less people. What I would do is pick three places or three projects you want to go to and then just be open to wander.

W: Are people going to see you out at the festival this year?

Are you going to be out roaming around and interacting?

S: Yeah, absolutely.

Stay Up-To-Date On Northern Spark Website: 2012northernspark.org Twitter: @northern_spark Facebook: /NorthernSpark2011 DUSTY HOSKOVEC

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09

sound & vision

Guide to Summer Music Festivals

Old and new, near and far: places where you should be spending your hard earned cash

BY ALYSSA BLUHM

Basilica Block Party WHERE: Minneapolis, MN

WHEN: July 6—7

COST: $40 one-night pass, $70 two-night pass

The Basilica Block Party is more than just a music festival; it’s a philanthropic event. For the past 18 years, the BBP has been held to raise money to help restore the Basilica of St. Mary, the first and oldest basilica in America. (A basilica, by the way, is just a super fancy Catholic church.) Funding also goes to the St. Vincent de Paul outreach program, which helps provide those in need with essentials like food, clothing, and transportation. If the philanthropy and cool architecture aren’t enough to convince you to go, bands you can find on the three stages of this Cities 97-sponsored event include: Train, Cake, Fitz and the Tantrums, and Lucy Michelle & the Velvet Lapelles. Free admission is given to anyone who volunteers to help out with the Block Party.

Stone Arch Bridge Festival WHERE: Minneapolis, MN

WHEN: June 15-17

COST: FREE!

While summer music festivals can become costly as the tickets, merch, and gas money all add up, the Stone Arch Bridge Festival is your best bet for enjoying live music and art while keeping the cash in your pockets. Small acts like Peter Lochner, Kaleidoscope Effect, Electric String Quartet, and Ghostmouth dominate the three stages that are spread out along the riverfront between the Central Avenue Bridge (the stage sponsored by City Pages is actually under this bridge) and Stone Arch Bridge. As if that wasn’t enough, 250 artists in 12 categories, including ceramics, jewelry, photography, sculptures, and culinary arts are set to display their work at the festival. To top it off, the festival will also include a food market and, as a special treat to dads on Father’s day, a car show.

Soundset WHERE: Shakopee, MN

WHEN: May 27

COST: $41 festival, $10 after party

If you’re looking to get out of the city for a day and hear some bass-heavy tunes, Soundset is the festival for you. What’s more, if you can manage to see all 40 hip-hop artists within the 9-or-so hours that Soundset is open, the $41 ticket hardly seems like a splurge. Along with acts like Atmosphere, P.O.S., I Self Divine, and The Tribe & Big Cats, Soundset also has a B-Boy/B-Girl battle and a custom car show for a little extra visual entertainment on the side. Soundset begins bright and early at 11 AM, and ends at 8:30, when the sun sets. Then you can hurry back to Minneapolis for the after party at First Ave, starting at 10 p.m., which features Get Cryphy and “special surprise guest performers”. After seeing Obama perform on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”, I’m hoping it’s him.

Sound Town WHERE: Somerset, WI

WHEN: July 26—30

COST: $80 music ticket, $30 camping permit

Do your ex-hippie parents ever look down on your generation for not ever experiencing anything as awesome as Woodstock?

Well, thanks to the Sound Town music festival, you now have a way to gain their approval. You see, while you’re rocking out to Florence + The Machine, Weezer, The Temper Trap, and Dr. Dog at the huge amphitheater on Sound Town’s grounds, you can also be camping out. Instead of choosing between a costly hotel to spend the night and food to keep you conscious through all the performances, you can have both! Sound Town’s website also boasts that the festival includes a beer garden and tubing, which is brilliant because nothing goes better together than drunk people and slippery plastic.

80/35 WHERE: Des Moines, IA

WHEN: July 6-7

COST: $29 one-day advance ticket, $49 two-day advance ticket

A few years ago, the 80/35 festival was first held with the hope of bringing some life to downtown Des Moines. Now 80/35 is celebrating its fifth birthday, and big names like The Avett Brothers, Death Cab for Cutie, Greensky Bluegrass, and Freddie Gibbs are on the guest list. Local Iowan artists, including Leslie and the Ly’s, Mumford’s, and Maxilla Blue will also be represented at the festival that is making Iowa known for more than just corn and our school’s (debatably) most-hated rival. A DIY craft fair and interactive exhibits from local organizations are other must-see attractions at 80/35, which is cleverly named after the nearby intersection of interstate highways 80 and 35.

Summerfest WHERE: Milwaukee, WI

WHEN: June 27-July 1, July 3-8

COST: $14 daily general admission

After your favorite bands play at all those local summer music festivals, it’s pretty likely they’ll end up playing at Summerfest a few days later. And if you’ve never been to Summerfest before, it would be a good idea for you to follow them there. With over 700 bands playing over 11 days, it’s no wonder Summerfest is called “The World’s Largest Music Festival.” Among the 11 free stages you can find music for anyone, including The B-52’s, Chicago, Sublime, Skillet, Young the Giant, Gavin DeGraw, and Grace Potter & The Nocturnals. The Marcus Amphitheater, where Aerosmith, Iron Maiden, and Neil Diamond are scheduled to play, has separate tickets, but on certain days seating on the amphitheater’s lawn is free. Summerfest has lots to offer besides stage music, too. Often small acts will play near the shopping kiosks located on the festival grounds, as well as spontaneous drum circles that are open for anyone to join. But if that isn’t your thing, there is guaranteed to be plenty of general entertainment shows to see, Milwaukee-area food to try, and craft tents to browse.

SEAN QUINN

10

may 2012

sound & vision

Keeping Vinyl Alive

A venture to three Twin Cities record stores for Record Store Day

BY EMILY TRENHOLM I felt like an amateur at Hymie’s Vintage Records for Record Store Day. And not only because I was looking under “R” for a 45 of Barbara Streisand’s “Don’t Rain on my Parade” (to ward off the rain threatening outdoor festivities--really!).

Compared to the diehard vinyl fans surrounding me, I was flipping slow—I’d say at a mere 33.3 records/minute. My “collection” is 10 records. “You a collector?” one middleaged man asked another. “Not really—only got like five to six-hundred.” And like a true 21st century kid I was mostly mesmerized by the album covers—forgetting to check the record inside for scratches or warping. Hymie’s itself is decorated like a shrine to the old school—with a jukebox and a turntable with headphones to sample records.

At Cheapo in Uptown, the day seemed a non-event. True, there were twice the number of usual customers, but that’s only 20 people. Maybe we’ll just say every day is Record Store Day at Cheapo. There was one treasure I found among

Ze Frank

The creator of “the show” returns with “a show”

BY MITCH AMBROSE One of the first people to recognize internet video as a means of developing an online community is returning to the web again with a new project. Hosea Frank (known as Ze Frank on the internet) made a video every weekday for a year starting on March 17th, 2006. Ze referred to this internet series as simply “the show,” and the videos consisted of everything from political commentary to challenges for his viewers. The community aspect of “the show” primarily involved Ze asking viewers for photos, songs, videos or ideas and then incorporating them into his videos. This community involvement is what really made “the show” unique for its time. Perhaps the most memorable of all the community activities was Ze’s challenge to make an “Earth Sandwich,” requiring two viewers to place one piece of bread simultaneously at exact opposite sides of the world. Ze is now returning to the internet after a long hiatus with a new project entitled “a show.” Judging by the first few episodes, it seems like “a show” will incorporate viewer inspired content as much

what one seasoned collector called “a repository for everyone’s junk.” King Kong, by Jean-Luc Ponty and his lowbudget orchestra, arrangements by Frank Zappa—which also proved to be a remnant of the lost art of liner notes— “[features] a quixotic rhythm, almost a touch of the zeitgeist of Cabaret, or as Zappa puts it ‘a bunch of drunks leanin’ against a bar and blowing.’”

My last stop was the Electric Fetus. The place was so packed that Record Store Day specials—the same ones that at Cheapo were passed by without a glance—were blocked off with only 10 people allowed in at a time. Reissues included classics like Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going on” and Patti Smith’s “Horses.” New releases included “Minneap’lis, MN: Secret Stash Funk/Soul Circa 68/69” (who knew?). Evidently the draw of such releases is unlike 20th-century vinyl, most records these days are 180 gram—“the nicest thing you could ever do to your stylus”—meaning it’s heavier and less likely to warp, and many say the sound quality benefits nicely too.

Compared to the diehard vinyl fans surrounding me, I was flipping slow—I’d say at a mere 33.3 records/minute To update the traditional vinyl vibe, another big draw was performances by young local bands—most of whom weren’t alive in vinyl’s heyday but just the same release LPs of their albums. At Hymie’s, despite the rain that did finally fall (and didn’t stop), The Brian Just Band played on the outdoor stage.

At the Fetus, I caught Jordan Gatesmith of buzzband Howler

KEIT OSADCHUK

playing an all-acoustic set inside—not the only surprise. “Any bucket players in the house?” asked Gatesmith. No, he wasn’t aiming a jab at the audience—he was serious. An employee quickly jumped over the counter and found a bucket just in time to back him up on “Back of Your Neck.” Talk about a throwback, and an oddly perfect way to end a blast from the past Record Store Day with a modern spin. Some call it irony—I don’t care if it’s backed by a good beat.

if not more than its predecessor. Although some might be quick to dismiss his style as being overly quirky, I encourage you to watch a few of his videos before passing judgment.

He strikes a unique balance between comedic monologue and incisive analysis of current issues, and some of the new community projects are sure to be brilliant. If you are interested in following “a show”, check out his Youtube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/zefrank1 or his website http://ashow.zefrank.com.

and Telluride, following the 2010 release of their album Palomino. Most recently, their sixth full-length album, Stars and Satellites, proves you can teach an old dog, or rather, an indie folk band that’s been around the block, some new tricks.

Trampled

By Turtles

While the instrumentation, lyrical composition and overall sound isn’t drastically different from past albums, Stars and Satellites is proof that Trampled is entirely capable of variety and well, hey: some of the slower-paced tracks will still be enjoyable to fans accustomed the high-energy stack of tracks previously offered up on Palomino such as “Wait So Long.”

BY SARA GLESNE Minnesotans, let’s take a minute to lend some praise to Duluth’s own Trampled By Turtles. The quintet has been flexing their string instrument muscles to produce top-notch, bluegrass-embedded indie folk since 2003 and it doesn’t look like the touring or production is ending any time soon.

Palomino’s legacy rests mainly in its upbeat tracks demonstrative of Trampled’s knack for string-pickin’ speed and live crowd pleasin’. I was surprised then that a first listen to Stars and Satellites lent some feelings of low-key melancholy to my ears. This, however, proves to be far from a bad thing.

Trampled showcases their capacity to diversify on Stars and Satellites with songs like “Walt Whitman” and “Risk” demonstrative of their continued capacity for sheer plucking power, alongside a much larger breadth of slower tempo tunes such as my personal favorite on the record, “Widower’s Heart.” I’ll concede though that the honey-dripping ballad “Beautiful” stretches the heartstrings perhaps a bit too far.

Overall, Stars and Satellites is a worthwhile listen as a new installment of Minnesotan indie bluegrass in the vein of such acts as Charlie Parr and Pert Near Sandstone.

Trampled gained notoriety around Minnesota music scenes, as well as national folk and bluegrass festivals like Newport

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11

E E M

E E E

W O

!

W W

SEAN QUINN

with that underage lady?

R. Kelly

RK: Fuck that. I don’t know who let that shit out but when I do I’ma get Milton on ‘em! The police wasted six damn years on a statutory rape case that the jury dismissed in less than a day.

W: You did pee on her though.

RK: So the fuck what? She said she was into it! I’m never going to tell my lady no, no matter how freaky she gets. That’s how you keep your woman satisfied, and if there’s anything I know, it’s how to satisfy a woman. What would you say if your woman asked you to piss on her? Huh? W: Um...

RK: Exactly. Let’s move on. I don’t want to hear no more about that.

W: Well you do seem to know a lot about, shall we say, “love.”

RK: Yeah man, fuck LL Cool J! Ladies Love Cool Kellz!

W: LL Cool K, I can see that. You’ve had some some ups and downs with love though.

RK: Yeah, you know, no use reliving the past. It is what it is and I’m all about the positive vibes now. That’s where Love Letter came from. The ladies, the haters, all the guys who want to be me, the bootleggers, the ladies who want to have my baby—it’s all love.

W: Tell us a little about what you’re doing now. We heard you have a cruise line?

TAYLOR WICHROWSKI

You first heard him on the Space Jam soundtrack, motivating Michael Jordan to believe he could fly. Later he was known for pissing on underage women and being friends with Usher.

Now he is known around the world as the King of R&B. The infamous R. Kelly took a break from the closet and came down to The Wake HQ for some real talk about life, love, and cruise ships.

We can’t believe it either.

The Wake: Yo Kellz!

R. Kelly: What up Wake!

W: It’s truly an honor to have the world’s greatest R&B artist here today. How long have you been reading The Wake?

RK: Man, ever since you guys had that hard-hitting article about those lazy-ass pandas, I was hooked! That’s some investigative, ground-breaking shit right there. Who knew those big dumb pandas only eat the one food that has nothing good for them in it? They’d probably have more energy if they ate Flamin’ Hot Cheetos all day. That’s it. I’m getting myself a big dumb panda and feeding him Flamin’ Hot Cheetos all day.

I’ll get back to you.

And for real, I’ve been meaning to explain myself, I meant to make an appearance at your little anniversary party, sing a song or two, do a step or two in the name of love, but you know I’ve been busy with all this “Trapped in the Closet” business. Next year I’ma be there.

W: Yeah, that would have been amazing, but it’s all good. We still got down to “Bump N’ Grind” and ended with the “The World’s Greatest.”

RK: Aw yeah. You know how it’s done.

W: But let’s talk about your new work. Most recently it was reported that you were seeking financing for 32 more episodes of “Trapped in the Closet.” How’s that going for you and where can we donate?

RK: I’m about to get my Kickstarter up and running.

“Trapped in the Closet” is better than all that hippy bullshit on there. It’s all stop-motion, organic, hand-knitted cupcakes on that site, but “Trapped in the Closet” is a real work of art— real talk.

W: Is “Trapped in the Closet” based on your own experiences? The main character does happen to be named Sylvester, which is your middle name.

RK: I don’t want to let too many personal details out, but let’s just say that I have an old neighbor named Rosie who comes over with her damn spatula every time I get in a fight with my girl. Even when me and Ush are just watching basketball too loud, there’s Rosie at the door shaking her spatula at me and yelling about how she can take me. Nosy ass bitch needs to take her damn hearing aids out and knit somethin! I just wanna watch the game!

W: Is she the one who broke that story about your dalliance

RK: It’s not mine, yet. I’m thinking about buying it but after what happened in Italy, I don’t want to be liable for some stupid asshole captain. But yeah, Love Letter Cruise, happening this coming October. I’ll perform the two best shows of my career, and then you’ll find me relaxing on some of those exotic islands we be sailing to. They got everything on this cruise ship: unlimited food, free room service, some guy teachin all y’all how to step to my songs, all of my songs playing 24/7, and even me—but it’s not as cool as the Titanic. You know me, I’m a romantic, and I’m not gonna lie—I love Titanic. But this cruise isn’t going to have Kate and Jack, no one’s gonna be havin’ sex in old cars in the storage area, and the bow is closed off so forget holding your girl up and tricking her into thinking she’s flying—I already asked. What the hell is the point of cruises without all of that? Without me, I think it’d be pretty fuckin’ boring.

W: We couldn’t agree more. Hopefully we can score some comp cruise tickets. So what’s next for R. Kelly? You seem to have a lot on your plate. We’ve heard rumors about a memoir, and two new albums—Write Me Back and Black Panties.

RK: First of all, Oprah’s been houndin’ me about doing a show on OWN, but just cause we’re both from Chicago doesn’t mean that we’re friends or something. She had Usher on her show, but where’s the love for Kellz? She was probably nervous she’d get too DTF and then Stedman would leave her.

As for the albums...[laughs] Black Panties. Who knows when that will be released. But you can’t say that’s not the best album name of all time.

Look for Soulacoaster, my memoir, and Write me Back soon.

I got something for you book nerds and something for the rest of you. It’s all love. What else would you expect from the world’s greatest?

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11

What I’ve Learned: A U of M Freshman’s Thoughts

on Life, Love, and Loss After His First Year in College >Live and let go, man >No matter what happens in life, I’m always down for some fucking PANDA Ex-

press. It’s always there. >Gaydar bro. The fucking Office! That shit’s real. >Constant, misleading sarcasm is the only way to fit in without actually being.

I mean, the seed has to be there already. You feed it sarcasm, it grows. Now I don’t even have to try because the seed has grown into a plant and grown vines that have taken over. >Longboards are sick. >Feet are the new lower-back for tattoos. Watch out. Those girls’ll get you. >Leggings were invented by God. Or divine inspiration. No other explanation. >Pizza before sex is like the anti-viagra. Once after eating a couple piz-

zas and wings and breadsticks and playing C.O.D. with some buds, I get this text: “I’m in bed. Come over.” You don’t say no to that. The problem is, I was so full of pizza that once things got going the whole time I felt like I had to fart, shit, piss, barf, and sneeze all at once. It was like holding up a this giant barbell and if I dropped it I’d explode. >That being said, there’s that saying “Pizza is like sex. When

it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.” That can be applied to both parts of that story. >Is it worth stopping sex to awkwardly put on a condom, or

worse, not having sex because you don’t have one? I’m not so sure. >I’m just gunna say it. I don’t get Bon Iver. Does anyone? >McDonalds after the bars close is heaven in my mouth.

You know why “Super Size Me” didn’t work? Because McDonalds tastes good. Big Macs taste good. Fillet-o-fishes taste good. >At least the McDonalds ones! Snap! >Life’s a lot simpler than people think. They overthink it.

If you’ve got some buds, some brews, and maybe a few girls, what else can you ask for? Sounds corny, but whatever. I speak the truth (laughs). That’s all I know how to speak, you know?

10

may 2012

?

Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

BY ROBERT CARLSON

When it’s summer and you’re out grilling with the guys, there’s always the opportunity to throw on some fish or a lean piece of meat. But what do you always end up doing? You stick with the burgers, brats, and steak. Even though they are worse for you and in the back of your mind is the voice saying you’ll regret it when you step on the scale, you still eat what you want. It’s summer and good food isn’t something to let go of, right? It’s the exact same thing with Carly Rae Jepsen’s infectious pop-hit “Call Me Maybe.”

Say you’re in the car by yourself driving to a rager and you’ve got to pick something to listen to on the radio. Sure, you could go for the stereotypical man channel spewing Metallica and Red Hot Chili Peppers, or you could chill out with the Jack Johnson and Dave Matthews station, but then you get to Top 40 and you hear Jepsen’s undeniably catchy chorus, “I just met you, and this is crazy!” Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.

But if you blast this in your no-door Jeep Wrangler everyone on campus is going to see you listening to it. That little voice in the back of your head says it’s not worth the social humiliation, but I say embrace it! Do what feels good, and this song feels good.

Real men do what they want, and I don’t know one man out there who, deep down, doesn’t secretly love this song. You always pick the steak over the fish, so pick the Jepsen over the Johnson. Do it.

AVA I L A B

S! LE IN VH

Vagtastic Adventures: The Flailing Fist Review

BY TED TAYLOR

It’s a Thursday night; you pour yourself a glass of fine port, turn on the fireplace, put on your robe, and pop in the newly released Vagtastic Adventures: The Flailing Fist. This is the forty-sixth volume in the highly acclaimed Vagtastic Adventures adult movie series. Straddling Sally Sixxx is once again the star of the series, setting a record for the most adult movies released in one month at a total of thirty-four. This overworking really shows in her less than par performance.

Despite the disappointment of Sally Sixxx, her up-and-coming costar Anita Rockin’ didn’t just save the movie, she made it one of the best in this long running series. Her tasteful acting really draws you into the story making you laugh, cry, and a little something else as the exploits of the characters unfold. Anita had the spunk and emotion Vagtastic Adventures was looking for to erect their status to a powerhouse franchise.

What really made this a beautiful film was the art direction, spearheaded by the director of photography, Hal Lovesmack. The close ups to a plethora of genitalia combined with canted angles and a funky soundtrack makes this film a classic, and in my opinion, a worthy entry to the prestigious Tri-Becca Film Festival, named after the three Beccas who have starred in the long running series, Becca Does Everything and Your Mom. My one major qualm with The Flailing Fist, besides Straddling Sally’s flaccid performance, was the excessive male moans. The Vagtastic Adventures series is known for this audio effect, but I feel like it draws you out of the story too much. Overall, the Vagtastic Adventures: The Flailing Fist makes you want to come back for more.

Kate Upton

BY JACK DOUGLAS

Move over Moss, there’s a new Kate in town. Who decided that high-fashion models were supposed to be rail-thin, androgynous aliens? That’s not what guys want. That shouldn’t be the image that is being sold to young girls, making them anorexic and self-deprecating. I’m not saying Paula Dean should start modeling or Pizza Hut should start a campaign to show how guys want regular-size girls. What we’ve been searching for is a new kind of model that can raise girls’ self-esteems while also providing us with a Sports Illustrated cover that can rival Victoria’s Secret. Kate Upton is this model.

More girls need to be like Kate Upton. She’s not trying to be something she’s not. She embraces her not-so-thin physique and we love it. In this year’s swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated she came out swinging, unafraid to break the convention that “something should be left to the imagination.” I’m not an artist, and I know most guys aren’t either, so we need a little help with our imaginations. Can they still call it the “Swimsuit Issue” if there aren’t even swimsuits displayed, but large band-aidsize coverings attached by strings? Hey, I’m not complaining. This is one trend that needs to continue.

We all need Kate Upton. She may be an anomaly of the modeling world, but she needs to be the new staple. She embodies everything that men need. She’s the girl that we wish lived next door.

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09

Point: Strip, Don’t Hate

nesses so they have to be, like, super clean otherwise they get fined and stuff. Who would want to be in a dirty place or work in one? Yeah, sure it smells totally rank in there and the floors have some mysterious stains, but you can’t tell because the lights are always dim.

When stripping, you have to dance and take off your clothes, it’s like multitasking.

BY JANE JUGGSLY

People are always talking about how strip clubs are, like, offensive to women and stuff, but really they help women to express themselves in a natural way. Sometimes a woman needs to express herself in a sexual way without actually having, like, sex. It takes a lot of work to get on that stage and take off your clothes for men, trust me I know because I am a part-time stripper. It is the best job in the world. What other job lets you cover yourself in glitter and dance sexy all night long!? Isn’t that like, every girl’s dream, to dance all night long!? If I didn’t get asked to write this article about stripping, I would totally be out stripping.

Stripping and strip clubs make people happy. It’s entertainment for everyone and it takes, like, a TON of talent. You can’t just start stripping and think you’re good at it, because you’re not. You’re just like taking off your clothes and stuff. When stripping, you have to dance and take off your clothes, it’s like multi-tasking. It takes a lot of practice to take your clothes off while moving, especially if they are super tight!

A strip club is a legit business, they have employees who need money to live and stuff. The money that strippers make is more than someone who works in an office. If you’re good at stripping, or just hot and, like, decent at stripping, you can

Strip clubs help people feel good about things. When guys are sad or unhappy with their lives they come and watch us dance and everything they are worried about just disappears, well for, like, a little while at least. I mean, normally it’s men who come and watch us dance, but sometimes women come and watch too. It really is a place where anyone can come for some good entertainment. Strip clubs have been around for ever, it’s, like, in the history books. People love these places!

KEIT OSADCHUK

get some really large bills in your G-strings, like me. I am using the loads of cash I am making to pay my way through beauty school. I am going somewhere in life, but I’ll also always have this talent to fall back on.

Also people think that strip clubs are, like, dumps, and dirty.

Well, they’re not. They are way clean. My room at my parents’ house doesn’t even compare. Remember, they are legit busi-

Counter Point: The Outrageous Truth of the “Floozy” Club.

I hate it when strippers try and make it seem like stripping is a good way of making tons of cash fast. Seriously, a few dollar bills in your G-string every night isn’t going to get you anywhere. Sure some women make a great deal of cash off of stripping, but those are the ones who are paid to keep their mouths shut about who their “special” clients are. If they really make all this money, and pay their way through school, what are they going to put on their resume? Are they going to list “able to hang upside down from a pole with no hands” or “able to clench a dollar in between breasts” under Special Skills? I highly doubt that they need those skill in accounting, nursing, or any other serious job.

BY PENELOPE PRUDENCE Women have had to fight for everything that we have right now: our rights, our freedom, and our bodies. For centuries women have been used by men, mainly for our bodies, treating us like pieces of meat to fight over and not caring about our minds or personalities. The women who participate in these horrendous strip clubs are just letting men continue to stereotype women as floozies. These women who let men continue to demean them are screwing up centuries of women rights movements!

What kind of woman thinks that taking off their clothes is a job? Come on. I do that every morning and night! And they think it’s a talent to gyrate in front of men while taking off their clothes? Middle schoolers do that at their spring dances, and I bet they could do a better job at it then the middle age wash-outs grasping onto their last shred of dignity. After they walk off the stage do they feel good about themselves?

They may be smiling, but on the inside they feel just as dirty as the abhorrent facilities they are housed in.

It is about time someone took a stand to stop strippers from demeaning themselves and ruining it for all the intelligent females with actual morals. Women like us have the grueling

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may 2012

People who think strip clubs are ,like, sexist or demeaning to women are just stupid. If anything, they help women, and they’re fun! If they are still around then they must be doing something right because everyone loves them! Plus if they weren’t around how would I express my sexuality and pay for my beauty school? I’d have to, like, work as some stuffy waitress or something.

The strip clubs themselves are little dark hole in the walls, with no regard toward sanitary cleaning. The floors are laden with oil, glitter, alcoholic beverages, and not to mention other things I can’t even think about because they are so vile. All you need to do is step one foot into a strip club, and you’ll be sure to contract at least three different types of genital diseases. Heck, I am surprised that the CDC hasn’t found a super genital disease had spawned in a dark corner of a strip club. Most likely put there by a stripper who gives lap dances with at least half a dozen men each night.

KEIT OSADCHUK

task of breaking these deeply embedded stereotypes. They dance on the laps of men all night long to gain a few dollars.

Every guy pegging them as floozies, because they started the arousals of hundreds of men each night. I would say that the men are the real floozies, in that they’re the ones who finish the job, if you catch my drift.

Bottom line is strip clubs are dank places where losers go to drink their sorrows away and watch women who could use a few tons of self-esteem not to mention a gallon of morals, and maybe a few slices of double fudge chocolate cake. All women should stand up once again and strike down the last oppressive entity, therefore securing our rightful place as the superior gender!

Ho’s for Bro’s: Dating Apps for Dude-Bros

BY JAMIE PERCIVAL SMITH

Living our drunken, bros-before-hos lifestyle can be exhilarating and fulfilling, but sometimes dudes just need to hang with some ladies, am I right? There are just some things that females do for us that our bros just can’t (outside of our Brokeback camping trips). Technology, another thing that can substitute for female companionship, is the perfect tool for us cavemen to find a mate. We already know about apps like Grindr and Okcupid, but those require women to actually sign up for them, leaving only the uggos available. But thanks to the power of the Internet, we can now see the unsuspecting women surrounding us on a daily basis. The ‘Girls Around Me’ app is available on most smartphones and allows the user to see the Facebook and Foursquare profiles of all the women in his vicinity, whether they like it or not. Now it is even easier to avoid the sausage fests and find the secret bars where all the ladies are making out with each other, just waiting for some dudes to break up their clam dive. The future is now: here are some other apps hopefully making their way soon to iPhones near you.

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PMStracker App The PMStracker app is a godsend. You know when you find some chick at the bar, get her home, and find out her Aunt Flo’s in town just as you’re getting to the good part? VOM TOWN. PMStracker analyzes the pheromones and hormones that women’s ladyparts spew into the air during their cycle. Sorry to gross you out with all this science-talk, but there’s no way to sugarcoat it without ruining sugar, too. The app only requires that you are within five feet of the lady that you want to make sure isn’t bleeding all over the place. If you aren’t within five feet of her, you probably shouldn’t care because you definitely aren’t getting up in them guts. This app also works nicely for all you weirdos out there who have a thing for parting the red sea, if you catch my drift.

Boyfriend by Justin Bieber App The Biebz has done it again; releasing an app with the same name as his new single, Boyfriend lets you see which ladies are already taken and which ones are just lying about it so you’ll stop talking to them. It’s happened to all of us; we start chatting up some young honey and she instantly throws up the Boyfriend card. But how many of those hussies are just liars? The Boyfriend app scans the targeted lady’s profiles on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Foursquare, and any other social networking site it can find for any evidence of a man friend. So feel free to keep negging that girl at the bar, that “boyfriend” she says she has is just an overweight cat and a boxed set of Mad Men dvds! The Biebz is said to have realeased this app to deal with all his fans who claim to be his girlfriend. So take note: if you use this app and find that the only mentions on her page refer to Justin Bieber, you should probably just leave anyway. Just cause she’s single doesn’t mean she’s worth it.

Babycrazy App Using the same format as the PMStracker app, the Babycrazy app allows men to figure out which ladies are just trying to get a semen sample and stick them with child support nine months later. In addition to the cyclical hormones analyzed by the PMStracker, the Babycrazy app also picks up on the lesser-studied pheromones released by women who are worried about their ticking biological clock. The Babycrazy also scans their Facebook friends and calculates how many of the woman’s friends have sonograms or babies as their profile picture, another clue to the intentions of any female.

SmellsGirlsLike The SmellsGirlsLike app is perfect if you want to attract any and all ladies. Maybe you don’t trust those colognes that use pheromones or you would rather have more options than musk for your scent. SmellsGirlsLike uses your phone to emit wafts of scents known to attract women. Popular aromas include cupcakes, money, catnip, and lemon Pledge. The app can also be used to repel women on those days that you just need a dudes night out or don’t want to cheat on your girlfriend. Scents like bacon cheeseburger, gym socks, and wet dog instantly tell ladies that “tonight’s a bro night.” The SmellsGirlsLike app can be adjusted for how crowded your playing field is; whether a bar or a park, the ladies will be sure to smell you from miles away.

www.wakemag.org

07

Top four ways to pick up girls at the U of M

BY TOUFF MIREZ If you are the type of person who is tired of being single and most of your friends and/or roommates are with their girls every weekend while you are sleeping and watching movies, you need to read this. I am about to describe the most well known methods to pick up girls at the University of Minnesota. You are at a university that is over 50% women, so there I no excuse. Take notes.

Negging Students at the University of Minnesota have used this strategy to pick up some of the hottest girls on campus. It is called “Negging,” and it consists of insulting a girl without her getting upset. For example, when you meet a random girl you have to tell her something like this: “You look really nice today… but your hair is not my favorite.” With this you are basically saying she looks good, but there is something that she is missing to be a perfect girl for you. She obviously is going to ask you what is wrong with her hair, and you just have to say, “There is nothing wrong, it´s just not my style, but you look nice anyway.” On one hand, the girl is going to feel good because you are telling her she looks nice, but on the other hand there is something else missing. So she is going to try to catch your attention by fixing her hair or asking you what else you don´t like about her. That´s when you know you are in.

Sorry, I’m gay!

It’s a known fact that all girls are more open with gay guys than with straight guys. Why? Simply because gay men show that feminine part that most of us do not want to show, and they are non-threatening. This strategy has been known to work by skinny tiny guys as well as jock-types from the university. When you meet the girl you have to tell her something nice and then say something like, “Oh don’t worry I’m gay.” She is going to be really surprised when you say this to her, but she will be curious to know more about you. Most importantly, you need to say you are gay, but DO NOT act gay because you are going to tell the truth later. After you talk to her for a while, say something like this: “If I wasn’t gay, you would totally be my type.” Because this is coming from a “gay” guy, she is going to think this is cute and endearing and she is going to like it. When you think that you are really into the conversation or whenever you think you know her well enough, you can just stop her in the middle of a sentence and say, “I’m not gay.” She is obviously going to be very surprised and confused, but because you didn’t act gay, and you have been good company throughout the night, she is not going to make a big deal about it, and the most important thing is that now you know she likes you.

Peacocking If you are outgoing and want to make an impact every time you go to a bar or club, but you don’t know how, Peacocking is for you. The only thing you have to do is wear something out of the ordinary to get the attention of people around you. For example: big hats, colorful shoes, eccentric scarfs, a gold necklace, or a shirt with a weird, bedazzled message are some of the accessories that stick out from the rest of the people. By wearing some of these accessories the girls are going to notice that you are not like the rest of the guys in the bar, and are automatically going to come up and talk to you. Remember, wearing something that sticks out doesn’t mean you have to look silly, or like a clown wearing 10 different types of colors that day.

Opinionated question Girls love to listen, but even more than that they love to give their opinions about inane topics. In this last strategy, you just have to be really patient and listen to them for a while, which makes this the toughest one of all, but it can have fantastic results. First of all, you have to walk up to a table full of girls and ask a questions along the lines of, “Hey I have a quick question and it will only take a minute cause I have to get back to my friend, but we can’t agree on this: Who lies more, men or women?”

This is a very debatable question so they are all going to start giving their opinions. Now, instead of you going back to talk to your friend, you are going to tell him to come and start talking with the girls. Remember to be PATIENT and LISTEN! Who knows? The girls may be so impressed that the entire group will come home with you two.

3 favorite pick up lines: 1) Look at an attractive girl face to face and say, “Sorry i’m already taken” 2) Go up to the bar next to 2 attractive women, and say, “I never meant to ask, until this moment... why is everyone wearing fucking white?” At that point, turn around and act like you’re with someone else. Then when you turn around, and they will ask you if you were talking to them.

KEIT OSADCHUK

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3) Sit beside an attractive girl in a small public area. Start making a ringtone with your voice as if a cell phone is ringing. Pick up something you have for the girl or want.

Cats Aren’t Just For Women Anymore Men have stopped hiding their love for cats, but is the world ready?

BY DR. FUHR E. BUUTZ

In recent years, our society has seen a drastic rise in the popularity of a love for all things cat, almost to the point of turning the phrase “the cat’s meow.” This trend of cat-loving has begun to oust a very special and shamefully marginalized group of cat lovers: men.

Long have there been legends and occasional news stories about cat ladies: old women who live in squalor, not a friend in the world, aside from their copious feline companions. This concept is one that has become the unfortunate and tasteless butt of many jokes, but it’s a serious issue and cats aren’t just for women anymore. Old and young alike, cat-loving men everywhere are taking a stand to say, “We, too, love cats!”

There is a shocking lack of openness and support for men who love cats, which particularly manifests itself in the deficiency of cat-related product marketed towards men. Commercials about cat food usually show women feeding and being loved by the cat. One in particular shows how a man disgracefully takes advantage of an innocent kitty to get a woman to marry him.

In department stores, cat pajamas, socks, and t-shirts can be found in the women’s, baby, and pet sections, but what about men? Big name clothing producers such as Target, Macy’s, American Eagle and Banana Republic declined to comment on this issue, and laughed, claiming it was not a valid concern.

Clearly, it should be; we can buy cat-themed things for our kitties, female friends, or infant loved-ones, but not for ourselves.

And I ask, what kind of sick world do we live in?

KEIT OSADCHUK

A love for cats is supposed to be acceptable in society today… just not for men. Men have been forced to closet their love of the world’s most purfect pal for centuries, until now. The catloving every-man all over the world is showing his true self.

He’s finally let his girlfriend into Mittens’ bedroom play palace.

He’s told his mother that he too dreams of knitting on a porch with cats in his lap. He’s bonded with his father over tips for raising a kitten right. Most importantly, he’s stopped windowshopping in the cat room at the human society; he’s adopted.

Let this be the call and encouragement to the oppressors of the world to open your hearts to cat men. Stop judging them when they apartment shop for a feline-friendly two bedroom even though they don’t have roommates. Don’t laugh when they tell you they discovered a great home-recipe for catnip treats.

Lend them money when their furry friend accidentally eats the mouse that ate the rat poison and needs to go to the vet to have its stomach pumped. Show up to their cat’s birthday when you get a damned invite! And if ever you have trouble loving a catloving man, just look to his love of his cat for inspiration.

And as Bob Barker would say: please, have your cat spayed or neutered.

KEIT OSADCHUK

www.wakemag.org

05

ON POLITICS:

The Zeitgeist Movement has zoomed through Washington and is gaining serious support, while also wiping out millions of jobs and leaving the economy in ruins. Politicians have asked for patience and support during the economic transitional period from capitalism to the new resource-based economy.

The decision for this drastic change came in the wake of yet another political scandal. The troubling allegations surrounding secret service agents and a prostitution scandal propelled the federal government to make “serious political changes.” Joe Biden defended the change, “We had to say fuck it, the time is now. When we said change, we meant it, and this scandal is the perfect opportunity to implement it.”

Last Friday during a 16-hour speech, President Obama acknowledged that the economy we once knew would no longer exist. “The time has come. We need to scrap Capitalism. It’s Capitalism’s fault that everyone turned against me. It’s Capitalism’s fault that our American flags are made in China, and it’s capitalism’s fault that gas prices are so high. Just look at all the debts we have gained because of Capitalism! We need change.” Obama finished his speech by talking about his future vacationing plans in Hawaii.

While politicians haven’t explained the actual plan, or what a resource-based economy is, they have promised an end to all crime, and an end to all poverty. Americans across the country have already begun celebrating claiming victory for the American dream.

In a last ditch effort to save Capitalism, once hopeful presidential candidate Ron Paul staged a hunger strike in Iowa.

The strike lasted a mere 24 hours and ended with Paul’s resignation from politics. A bystander said she caught him secretly eating generic Oreos. He could not be reached for comment.

Everything You Need To Know About U.S. Politics Now

BY SIR DR. THOMAS JAMES OSWALDIO

The Zeitgeist Power Shift

Juggalos of Change On another note of change, Congress has agreed to establish the first ever “True American band.” After a long debate between musicians Bruce Springsteen and The Insane Clown Posse, ICP came out victorious in a landslide vote. Obama explained that the ICP would be in charge of rewriting the national anthem, “Just like the economy, the time for change is now! I can’t think of any musical group that better embodies the youth of America better than ICP.” Even Obama’s political rivals agree with the choice. At the recent Republican Party fundraiser, Romney raised his glass in the air and said, “To the gathering of effing awesome juggalo love!” He proceeded to take a swig of the whole milk from his jewel-crested chalice and continued. “No matter who wins this election, we is all fam! It doesn’t matter anymore because we are all American Juggalos.” Romney then ended his speech by rhythmically chanting each curse word in the dictionary. He explained this would bring the spectators, “Good family luck.”

The popular rap group is to be formally introduced as the American Band at the next State of The Union Speech.

KEIT OSADCHUK

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may 2012

INTRODUCING...

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

The World’ s Most Versatile Straight Razor Ever!

Y’all know I only talk real talk. That’s why I decided to do this shit in The Wake. I decided to do this shit in The Wake because this magazine is the most real talk shit out there. No other magazine in the world loves Kellz more than The Wake. We’re talking about the world’s greatest student publication right here, real talk.

I can already hear all y’all aksin me why else I’m guest editor and I would do this purely out of love, yeah I’m lookin at you Wake homies, but I confess I have one mo reason: The R. Kelly cruise. Yeah, you heard it right. I’m gettin the word out about the event of a lifetime, but we’ll get to that later.

I need to get to some real talk for a minute. For all you haters out there saying, “Fuck The Wake,” all I gotta say is “Fuck me? FUCK YOU!” Bitch I wish you wooooouuuullllldd burn that motherfuckin’ copy of the Daiiiiiilllyyyyy. That shit ain’t real talk. They got handlers, they got salary, those motherfuckers are just all about the benjamins. They don’t know me, they don’t know where I been. Bitches probably can’t even name one song of mine. And if they can it’s probably “Ignition (Remix)” and they probably ain’t ever even HEARD the non-remix version! The Wake loves the regular Ignition. Real Talk.

But more than real talk, R. Kelly supports anything that supports R. Kelly, and The Wake is the world’s greatest at loving me. The Wake keeps my fragile ego afloat, listening to songs that no one will play on the radio. Just the other day I walked up into the office and all the way down the hall I could hear them blasting that new Love Letter album.

Keeping up with the new shit, that’s love. And they keep me all up in royalty checks buying the DVD set of my hip-hopera “Trapped in the Closet.”

This amazingly sharp, oldstyle razor doubles as a shank! We all know how hard it can be to get a nice, close shave in while being assaulted. With the Braun Proglide Classic You can get that incredibly smooth shave while keeping those fools off your back.

I ain’t got time for no more of your bullshit. The Wake student magazine: World’s Greatest.

MILTON! Start your car, warm it up, and get ready to take me to Pizza Luce!

MILTON!

R. Kelly Guest Editor

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The Wake The Bizarro Issue:

MEN’S EDITION

Guide to Women

06

Strip Clubs

08

Dating Apps & More!

May 2012