July Magazine 2012

The court appointed therapists (Dr. Ma, Dr. Sh, Dr. F, and Dr. Se) refused to believe that M had ever abused me; they said that my mom was putting it all in my head. Dr. Sh was appointed by the court to do a "veracity study" on me - basically to see whether I was lying. The 45 minute session started with 15 minutes of conversation about my school, and then ended with 30 minutes of me filling out papers about doing drugs and alcohol. I also noticed that Dr. Sh's office was in the same building as M's attorney's office.

I felt like I wasn't being heard. I was being pushed aside. The court didn't want to listen to me, even though it was my life that they were playing with. I wanted to talk to the judge, and I did once, but it was just a conversation about school. I wanted to tell him exactly what happened to me, exactly how I feel. So I did. I went online, and found the judge's direct phone number. He wasn't in, so I left a message.

"Judge B, I want you to know that I will not be going on these overnight, unsupervised visits. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I mentally can't." When it came time to actually go on the visits, I was scared for my mom. I didn't want her to be put in jail - so I went on the first few. After being threatened to have my neck snapped and being constantly yelled at, I was thrown into more frequent panic attacks, both during and not during the visits.

I needed a way out. I thought suicide might be the answer. Right before the next visit, I talked to the school guidance counsellor. When I told her about my suicidal thoughts, she called my mom. My mom took me to the crisis centre at the hospital, and they put me in a behavioural facility.

Sure, I had to get blood drawn, deal with terrible food, and miss a lot of school, but it was a lot better than being at M's house. Then I realized - I missed the visit. I missed it, and they couldn't put my mom in jail for it, because it was something out of her control. For the rest of the visits (there were two more) I "faked" suicidal ideation to get myself thrown into the hospital again.

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