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Onlooker: ‘Holy crap, look at that big-ass bee ... I think I’ll ignore it for now ’ Cont’d from page 1 Aster’s team explained that fiberglass statues, such as the Killer Bee, have three stages: Asleep, also known as Stage Green. This first stage means the monument is inactive and non-threatening to the surrounding population, such as the World’s Largest Ball of Twine in Cawker City, Kansas. Stage Yellow, dormant, means the creature is at risk of becoming active, but is still not a threat. This was the stage the Hidalgo Killer Bee was in until March 7, 2009, when at the Hidalgo Borderfest Parade the changes were noticed, entering it officially into Stage Red. “Now, Stage Red is very dangerous. This mutant is very much active and can come awake at any moment of its choosing. Woe be the
children that are born on that day,” said Michael Freesia, a Chief Fiberglass Engineer flown down from Poland to help monitor the activity of the “mutant.” And this wouldn’t be the first case of Stage Red activity amongst roadside attractions. In Ravenden, Arkansas a 12foot tall raven statue came to life and flew over the city for days dropping large quantities of bird shit on vehicles, buildings and homes. The estimated cost to repair the damages caused by the raven were $1.2 million. Six people were killed in the incident. The raven was eventually shot down by local ranchers and it is now on display on Highway 63, once again—this time, very much a Stage Green. Other incidents include the famous Paul Bunyan, now a legend; he was in fact made completely out of fiberglass. Upon his death he was mum-
mified and set on display in Bangor, Maine. And who can forget Noah’s Ark? It now sits in Lima, Ohio. As history records, the threats are there, but are the residents of Hidalgo worried? “I was around when the bee first got here. I see no need to worry. It hasn’t done anything wrong,” said Beatrice Tulip, a 30-year resident of Hidalgo. John-David Franz, mayor of Hidalgo, is optimistic he can outsmart the creature if and when it becomes active. He wants to reassure his citizens that there is nothing to worry about. He has a plan. “The city has approved the creation of a 50-foot fiberglass woman before the killer bee comes alive. We are hoping the fiberglass woman serves as a decoy attracting the bee to sting her. Bees, as everyone knows, die after one sting,” said Franz. The creation of the fi-
berglass woman will cost $250,000 and the taxpayers aren’t happy. “We can get shotguns and shoot the bee down if it comes to that. But spending $250,000 on another fiberglass statue? That’s ludicrous,” said Dagoberto Lilac, owner of the Killer Bee Stop-N-Shop convenience store. “No. No I don’t agree,” said Marona Daffodil, who provided a short, uninteresting answer. “What if the 50-foot woman enters Stage Red too?” asked Lolita Carnation, owner of Big Bee Taxidermy in Hidalgo. Dr. Aster and his researchers already had the solution to that problem months before Carnation even thought up that question. The answer was simple. “We’ll just build a giant fiberglass handgun. Duh,” said Aster.
As research continues, there are solutions being mapped out and questions being answered in preparation for the imminent fallout of mayhem upon this small town. Aster and his team are monitoring the situation daily, checking for tremors and other clues of Stage Red activity such as winks and humming. According to the Hidalgo City Council, the construction of the 50-foot woman begins in mid-November and a meeting to approve the construction of the giant handgun will be held in March of next year. The city has blocked off access to the killer bee with a decorative rope and warns tourist to view it from a distance. Flashes from cameras are not permitted, as this could trigger the awakening of the creature. Caution is being exercised these days and most residents in Hidalgo have their ear out for the latest buzz.
God: ‘That popular religion thing is taken way too seriously’ By Jesus Christ Staff Writer
After just over 2,000 years of covering the religion beat, I’ve learned a lot. Recently, God, my Father, and Creator of the universe, shared some of his biggest pet peeves with me. “People are putting words in my mouth,” he said, a slight chuckle following the statement. “Sorry, that was funny. No, but really, take those billboards for example. Never did I say, ‘See you on Sunday,’ I was watching golf.’ It seems that the fourhandicapper takes especial issue with billboards claiming his words. Particularly the one that reads, “As my apprentice, you’re never fired.” “Wrong. Wrong, wrong,
wrong. I would fire Donald Trump immediately. Katy Yule, fourth-grader from Ohio? Not my first pick on the playground if you know what I mean,” He said. There are other man-made messages said in the name of the Almighty that He takes issue with. And who can blame Him? Man has been doing things in His name for thousands of years. “Oh, and that book! Ah, what’s it called?!” he exclaimed. “I’ll think of it later. Anyway, point is: did I fax my word down from heaven? I don’t think so. Look, I don’t want anyone dying in my name. I want people to live happily and harmoniously. I want for people to have faith in each other and spend time cultivating that. A little socialism isn’t a bad thing, I created you guys as naturally
communal creatures.” Other pet my peeves my Father mentioned? Bornagain virgins, the Monday Night Football crew, Kevin Stich, generally all of Houston and people who buy Apple products based on trendiness. Set to retire in 2012, God is currently looking for his replacement. Candidates include: Seth McFarlane, Peyton Manning and Steve Buscemi. Each candidate will have to pass a three-part test, including raining down sulfur, a general knowledge of the universe and a soccer match versus the choirs of angels (now 2-19 on the season). Contrary to popular belief, President of the U.S. Barack Obama will not run for God in the 2012 election year.
Some dude’s rendition of God.