Ductus 2016 by UNMS Publications

Ductus

From the Editors

#DicksOut In memory of Harambe

From the Editors Just when you thought we had peaked, we do something amazing to exceed your wildest expectations. After the Introductus was a staggering 2 weeks late, I’m sure none of you thought we could top that, well don’t you lot look stupid now. Even as we write this article we have no idea when it’s actually going to come out, if at all. So if you’re reading this please take some time to appreciate the fact that you’re reading anything at all. It’s been a treacherous journey, one filled with procrastination, apathy and good looking publications and promotions officers. But enough self-gratification, let’s talk about what you’re going to find inside the glossy pages of this marvellous piece of literature and the amazing semester semester and a half semester and three quarters we just had!

Unfortunately for some and fortunately for others we’ve taken this ductus in a more serious and mature direction. Instead of focusing on “silly” and “useless” topics such as “what to do on exchange” and “how to successfully plan for HES” we’ve included articles that will help you in the real world. If you’ve ever fancied getting yourself into gardening, then flip over to Bal’s Backyard for some handy tips. Feeling overwhelmed trying to stay up to date with the constant stream of new cutting edge memes, take a gander at Ming the meme master’s masterful memeology article. We’ve also included a useful PSA that is eye opening to say the least. The rest of the magazine is jam packed with other fantastic articles in the same vein so you lovely individuals are in for quite the ride.

Now before we let you get onto the rest of this literary masterpiece we have some devastating news for you… this is our last official publication as your publications and promotions officers. :( It’s been a hell of a year and we’ve shared many a laugh and good time but just like the JMP’s inability to get MD certification it must come to an end. If we could leave you with just one piece of advice, it would be this – live your life to the fullest and strive to be able to answer these two questions posited by the modern day Aristotle; Tauheed Epps:

* What do I do? * Who do I do it for? Thank you all for a wonderful year, signing off for the last time Darsh and Raj

*The articles in this publication are not guaranteed to have been written by who they were attributed to P.S. Pratik is colourblind

In the meantime... Here are some world events that have occurred since this edition of the Ductus was scheduled for release: • Med Soc nagged us to release ductus • Donald Trump has become a legitimate candidate for US President •The UK left the EU in a move dubbed “Brexit” • The Queen turned 90 and with that the Australian ski season commenced • Pokemon GO became a cultural and worldwide phenomenon • Keith Urban released his Magnum opus – The Fighter • Taylor Swift was found out to be the Snake she is. • The 2016 Summer Olympics began in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. • The final videocassette recorder is manufactured by the Japanese company Funai. • Solar Impulse 2 becomes the first solar-powered aircraft to circumnavigate the Earth. • The Olympics ended • The Syrian Civil War started • AMSA Convention took place • ISIL claims responsibility for attacking Atatürk Airport in Istanbul. • Latvia becomes the 35th member of the OECD. • NASA’s Juno spacecraft enters orbit around Jupiter and begins a 20-month survey of the planet. • The Philippines wins the arbitration case they filed at the Permanent Court of Arbitration regarding the legality of China’s ninedotted line claim over the South China Sea under the United Nations Convention

on the Law of the Sea. • GHC took place but apparently wasn’t important enough to be in the a ductus... • Keith Urban and Jessica Mauboy preformed a beautiful rendition of The Fighter at the NRL grand final that was praised by all • The iPhone 7 was announced to not possess the traditional 3.5mm headphone jack • People got annoyed that the iPhone 7 didn’t possess the traditional 3.5mm headphone jack and decided to boycott it • People got over their boycott of the iPhone 7 and bought it anyway - *cough* pratik • The AMSA Vampire Cup took place and we lost two posters from the ductus. • Syrian Civil War: Turkish Armed Forces and Syrian rebels cross over the Syrian border and take Jarabulus from ISIS. • The Brazilian Senate votes (61–20) to impeach the President of Brazil Dilma Rousseff. • Amanda De Silva graduated from the BMed. • The stupendously fancy Breaathhe Gala Cruise occurred. • The insanely star studded theater event that is Med Revue ran all of its shows. • Keith Urban gave a legendary performance at the iconic Prospera Place. • Med Soc elections opened • Med Soc elections closed • The new Med Soc committee was announced • Darshan heroically carried Bal, Pratik, Clarence and Bal’s friend, Bhav through a Spartan Race.

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• The new Med Soc committee was sworn in • The new Med Soc started nagging us to release ductus • Frank Ocean released his long awaited sophomore album Blonde • Lebron brought a championship to Cleveland • The US and China, together responsible for 40% of the world’s carbon emissions, both ratify the Paris global climate agreement. • NASA launches OSIRISREx, its first asteroid sample return mission. The probe will visit Bennu and is expected to return with samples in 2023. • The government of North Korea conducts its fifth and reportedly biggest nuclear test. World leaders condemn the act, with the South calling it “maniacal recklessness”. • International investigators conclude that Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 was shot down by a Buk missile that came from Russia. • Two Vincent Van Gogh paintings stolen on December 7, 2002 from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam are recovered, with a combined value of $100 million. • Killer clowns became a terrifying thing in the USA • Killer clowns came over to Australia and became a terrifying thing here • Killer clowns started showing up in hospital beds around Australia. • Fans around Australia celebrated the birth of Keith Urban.

It's ok not to be ok Medicine can be hard; life can be harder. But you don’t have to let it get you down. All of us at one point or another have bad days where things seem a lot more difficult than they should be and our motivation may be abysmal. That’s okay. But it’s also not something we should ignore. Mental health is a huge issue in today’s society, especially in the medical community. It’s important to look after your mental health just as much as your physical health! Here are my top tips for looking after your wellbeing. 1. Exercise Getting active and clearing your head does wonders for your wellbeing. Be active in a way that you enjoy, it can be anything from pumping out a solid gym sesh, going for a swim, playing a sport, to just going for a walk - there are so many beautiful places in Newcastle to explore - my favourite is the ANZAC memorial walk. 2. Sleep Whilst we all understand the importance of sleep, sometimes it can seem like a lesser priority (ahem, stuvac). But sleep is more than just a genius procrastination tool, you need your 8 hours every night!

3. Eat well Who doesn’t love food! Comfort food can be so tempting when we’re stressed or upset, but do you ever notice that it doesn’t really make you feel much better? Good food not only help cognitive function, but it will just make you feel and function better! Top tip: do some solid meal prep before stressful times such as stuvac so you don’t have to cook when you feel time poor or tired, but can still eat well! 4. Friends Support is probably one of the most important things in terms of dealing with difficult times. Try and surround yourself with lovely likeminded people and do things together! From the most epic adventures to even just sitting silently together studying it’s nice to be around people you care about and who care about you. In Med we are all like one big family, and within each year group you can find so much support from one another, Martin Veysey was really onto something with his wildebeest pack analogy. 5. Mindfulness Mindfulness is the state of being in the present and accepting things as they are. There are little exercises you can implement into your day from simple breathing tools to mindful walking and can improve your headspace phenomenally! Check out resources like the Black Dog Institute or Reachout for more information.

These little strategies can do wonders for your wellbeing, but if there is something more serious than just a stressful day, the best thing you can do for yourself is seek help. There are many options available for this from your support network to a professional. I have heard some sad stories of people who haven’t accessed support due to fear of reporting. Your confidentiality comes first, and only severe patient safety concerns are what is potentially reportable. There is a free bulk-billing health service on campus, as well as a free university counselling service that is completely confidential and not at all linked with the academic side of the university, as well as headspace, or your GPs. There are also some online tools you can use such as beyondblue, headspace, mindspot.org, moodgym, smiling mind just to name a few! If you broke your leg, you would see a doctor. If your friend was struggling, you would want them to talk to you about it. Similarly, if you yourself are struggling then talk to someone and ensure you get the relevant help you need in the same way that you would for a physical health problem! There is no shame in asking for help. Please look after yourselves. Your health is important, all aspects of it.

Need Help Now? If you wish to speak to someone immediately then contact: • Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800: Australia’s only free, private and confidential, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged between 5 and 25. ‘We care and we listen any time and for any reason’ • Lifeline on 13 11 14: provides crisis support and resources on their 24 hour crisis line Jessica Redmond Ex-President University of Newcastle Medical Society Inc.

First Incision Recap:

O'Camp “You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt” - Albus Dumbledore As freshers, a new university degree can be a daunting experience with new faces and finding what room your PBL is in. What better way to get rid of these inhibitions than by heading out to the middle of nowhere and pretending to learn study techniques from medtors that opted for a weekend to get drunk with first years. Day 1: 2.5 hr bus trip with ice breakers and a chance to win prizes. Special mention to Emma Webster for winning party condoms which left her in an ecstatic state (not unlike someone using party condoms). We get to the venue and realize that some of us are in hostel rooms with foam mattresses and others have serviced accommodation with Jacuzzis. The disparity between rooms was soon forgotten as our cohort made a sneaky journey to the bottle-o for a couple of goon sacks and fat lamb. I still wonder what they taste like cos I don’t drink. On the way back I took the opportunity to test the HSP game of Port Macq. Not too shabby but pricey for the size.

After a sick Chinese feed the squad had pres in our medtor groups before joining the class of 2020 to head off to the pub themed as Americana. With Super Woman Kelleigh white girl wasted teaching us how they do it in Mudgee we knew we were on the right path. A live band greeted us but I’m not sure if Krishna saw as he was shortly booted after 5 minutes within the venue. And a big congratulation to Ellie for jumping the fence and making it in as a minor! The night went by fast and the group dispersed to their respective hibernation zones before beginning day 2 with weetbix, the breakfast of champions. As we split into teams of red and blue to complete various challenges it soon became clear that red were to be victorious. Hitting up the beach was a quality decision during free time involving new friendships and beach soccer. Shortly afterwards, the red team was rewarded for their efforts with bombardment of water bombs on the blue team, an epic water bomb fight that I will most definitely treasure from ocamp as a giant freefor-all.

The event that many had talked about drew quite a crowd. In search of sails and boats, not many were disappointed upon discovery of boat races being a drinking game. From first timers to seasoned veterans each race was a sight to behold as each player donned jungle gear from head to toe. A quality pre drinking session we trooped to the club to muzz. With gabber circles and phat hakks we witnessed a muzz that defqon would be jealous of. As we trooped back we ended up congregating on the beach engaging in dnms and sik bantz with Nas attempting to build a fire and Sedra just conking out on the beach by which point we decided to head in order to hibernate once again. Day 3 was recuperation day as numerous lads and lasses eagerly waited for their BAC to reach 0. A big shoutout to organisers Nas and Ming as each time I think about Ocamp I am reminded what the O stands for – “O fuck that was amazing”. - Clarence Ratnakumar

Bal's From Backyard the Editors Hi! I’m Bal, your 2017 UNMS External Vice President, 2017 WakeUp! President and all around great guy. Most people know me for my terrible puns, being absolutely dire at FIFA and being the son of surgical demi-God Dr Kumud Dhital. What you probably don’t know is that I am also a low-key gardening fanatic.

For years I’ve kept my obsession a secret but NO MORE! Horticulture, floriculture, arboriculture and agriculture – if it’s a pretentious way to describe plain old gardening you can bet it’s something I’ve done or my name isn’t Bal Jagdish Dhital. To the right you’ll find a few pearls of wisdom that I feel everyone should know:

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Bal’s Top Tips: Tip One: Over watering is worse than under watering. It is easier to revive a dry plant than try to dry out drowned roots. Tip Two: Plants will do best if they are well suited to your growing area. Take some time to read up and choose plants accordingly. Tip Three: Healthy soil means a thriving population of microbes, earthworms and other organisms. A soil that has “good tilth” will produce robust garden plants that are better able to resist pests and disease. Tip Four: Some vegetables actually become better after a first frost, including kale, cabbage, parsnips, carrots, and Brussels sprouts. Hopefully the above tips have inspired you to unleash your inner Alan Titchmarsh (he’s a famous gardener that you’ve probably never heard of). If any of you see me around and have any questions about my botanical infatuation, please do ask me about it! Just be warned it might take a while due to my stutter. For more of my tips, check out: http://tinyurl.com/ balsbackyard

Academyip Welcome to the end of semester from the Academic crew! We hope that you’ve all had a refreshing holiday and are keen to get back into the swing of pbls, rescheduled lectures and more medsoc events! We’ve had so many exciting events this year, so remember to keep a keen eye out for them next year! We started off the year with the infamous Great Debate, which saw the most charismatic med students face off against the clinicians in a battle of wit and banter. First Debate: Mrs Ratnakumar, The Voice and the Fugitive (Affirmative) versed Black Caviar, Mr Mao and Ygritte (Negative) over whether a tax on high fat floods should be implemented globally. Littered with injokes, awkward pauses and everyone’s favourite international making a cameo, the negative team were ultimately victorious. Second Debate: Dr Ethics, Mrs McDreamy and PBL Life Saver (Affirmative) versed Professor, Mr Mao and Mr President (Negative) over whether alternative medicine posed a threat to public health. Filled with hilarious antics, both teams brought their A game which included legendary reenactments, shocking admissions and harsh ridicule. Ultimately, the Negative team toppled the Affirmative by a narrow margin.

Third Debate: Mrs McDreamy, Mr President and PBL Life Saver (Affirmative) versed Dr Ethics, Dr Kiwi and Professor (Negative) over whether IVF and other fertility treatments should be banned, and rather, more attention placed on the adoption of children. We got a little taste of Mr President’s fabulous drawing skills, witnessed the incredible teamwork between the clinicians and PBL Life Saver’s scandalous self-exposure. Our second event was Specialties Night where we heard inspirational presentations from Dr Andy Gray (Gen Surg), Dr Nicholas Collins (Cardio), Dr Ellen Walters (ED), Dr Brianna Joseph (GP), Dr Edwina Lamrock (Derm) and Dr Theo de Malmanche (Immunology/ Allergy).We hope that everyone who came now has a deeper understanding and insight into each of the different specialties whilst feasting on a variety of gourmet dishes! Highly interesting topics were also debated on during the panel discussion such as the necessity of research in applying for colleges, CMO relevance and whether it was better to work in the private or public sectors. Specialties Night also made UNMS history as being the first event to be live streamed across to our JMP clinical students! Due to its success, you can now look forward to having future events being

live streamed as well. But of course, both of these wonderful events could not have been possible without the help of the amazing Academic Subcommittee, whom we give our thanks and love to <3 Finally to finish off the semester we had “Life After Medicine” which was a brand new event featuring great speakers ranging from JMOs, RMOs, clinicians and financial experts. Life After Medicine was about the internship application process and a basic how to survive life after graduation (but before specialties) such as managing your finances (tax tax tax!), buying insurance and what to expect in PGY1/PGY2! We’ve had a wonderful year of Academics and hopefully next year will be even better! We hope you have a wonderful end of semester and good luck to everyone for their final exams! Xoxo Amy and Helena

aFrom nightthe at Editors the races The hype was real and the night was a ball. Thank you to the 386 people who came in their formal attire to party. This is biggest med ball to date and was an increase on last year by 55%. So thanks for making it a successful night. The JMP definitely scrubs up alright and the drinking game was also on point! We don’t know if we should be proud, shocked or just thoroughly impressed that the rowdy JMP managed to shut the bar before dinner with their drinking efforts. We hope recovery wasn’t too rough. We had a blast preparing the 2016 Med Ball for you and hope you all enjoyed it too. A personal highlight for us was the band. Free Willie and the Grace Brothers were awesome and happy to take your requests. We must give another big thank you to Odette Lawler who captured the night and is responsible for all the photos of the event. Well it is over for this year but don’t worry I’m sure Med Ball 2017 will blow our minds. This is your trusty Med Ball Ladies signing off for the last time. Cheers, Jazz and Caity

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First Year Recap Things we learnt in Semester 1: 1. Don’t trust third years. 2. Don’t get into drinking games with older years. 3. Don’t call the cops if the seccy doesn’t let you in. 4. Don’t bother trying to remember the rules of the med drinking game. 5. Something about host immunity. The first semester of first year Med 2016 started off with a lot of congratulations, mediocre introductory lectures and probably the only free day of the whole semester - the Beach Day. I think I speak for everyone when I say we had a very warm welcome into the Med Community. First Incision was the first exposure for many of us to the beautiful Mereweather beach and, for a lucky few, the beautiful feeling of siphoning drinks off an unmonitored tap.

town, with casualties dropping off at alarming rates. Ming and Nas did an amazing job of organising the whole thing and a massive shout out for the good food and sneaky bonfire on the beach. Our mentors did a great job too, leading by example - especially when the sun set. Learning how to properly wash our hands was fun, with a suspicious amount of glowing area showing up under the UV Blue Light test for Michael McLucas. Labs went ok once most of us got over the squeamishness of it all. Only a few subtle trips to the toilet were made… A lot of sharps were disposed of while getting all 180 of us ready for hospital, but getting dressed up and sticking our IDs on for the first time was very exciting.

We learnt quickly how much PBL work was expected by our tutors, and the utmost importance of snacks in the learning environment. Public Health was an instant student favourite, and class participation in lectures was gratefully spearheaded by Michael McLean and McLucas.

One of the first year reps apparently missed the “red” theme of WakeUp’s party when he called the boys in blue. With a few of his mates panicking about when he would call them with his one free call from jail. Still didn’t get let in but apparently they give free lifts home fyi. There were some snazzy onesies on show inside the venue though.

O’CAMP, what can we say about that? With each morning spent trying to piece together the previous night was not readily forgotten by all who went. There were great pres on bungalow balconies and epic treks around Port Macquarie

The perks of being a technologically advanced university with a partner uni 500kms away were rapidly apparent with the excellent video quality, lack of cut outs and top notch sound system that meant you could always

hear what the lecturer was saying. In the middle of any given lecture, it was interesting to see how many “seens” we could gather on the JMP posts. After midsem exams, a quiet night at the races was in order. Luckily the racecourse hadn’t heard of Medball’s colourful history. The theme was largely ignored but the open bar was definitely made full use of. That is, until a naughty first year table was found to be quadruple-parked. *Most* escaped the wrath of the seccy & thankfully no cops were called. Unfortunately there wasn’t much in the way of an afterparty, which will be looked at for next year. Round 2 of exams was tolerated and the 1/10th party was simply “smashing” with both of the first year reps managing to make it into the club this time. A big thanks to Freya for hosting it. Now we’re 1/10th doctors and happily giving out medical advice to family and friends, just like they taught us!! Thanks everyone for a fantastic first semester.

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Fuge's F**boi Forecast From the Editors Kia Ora my dateless denizens, I’m Mett Fuge all around great guy and the top ranked FB in the JMP. In this masterfully crafted piece of soon to be iconic Kiwi literature I’m going to hopefully provide you pathetic lot with the tools necessary to join the FB master race. Before we get into the underlying philosophy it’s important to know what a FB actually is, Urban dictionary defines a FB as: “someone whom greatly believes in themselves and is of the highest social standing, has a better appearance and is able to obtain any boy/ girl regardless of relationship status”. Now, the sexy individual who wrote that definition was onto something (spoiler alert, it was me) as it paints a good picture of what a FB actually is. Not only must you believe you’re the best you must actually be the best. I can’t teach you how to be good looking so let’s just hope you’re rich and/or successful. Anyway let’s get into my top 6 tips!

*To make the sponsors happy certain liberties have been taken in this article regarding the subject matter. This shouldn’t matter too much as after all we’re talking about THE Mett Fuge, I’m sure you guys are clever enough to figure out what this article is actually about.

1. Remember that your feelings are the only ones that matter. Also, remember that you don’t have any because you’re a man and not a little bitch. 2. Always remind her how lucky she is to be with you. “With” means whatever you want it to mean. This is about you, not her. 3. Convince her that you’re a really good guy who’s just woefully misunderstood. Use phrases like: “I just never met the right one I guess.” and “I don’t like who I’m becoming.” Bonus points if you can mention how you’re “not like other guys.” 4. Make the right selection. Avoid girls with older brothers and active fathers. One of them might try to beat you up and if your body is anything like mine, they will succeed. 5. Make sure she has hot friends, once you’re done with her it makes it A LOT easier to move on. 6. Make sure that you’re the only member of your friendship group that is of your race – not only will it allow you to stand out, it’ll also allow you to pick up all the ethnic honeys (I personally follow this advice due to my yellow fever). So there you have it, follow those 6 simple tips and soon you too can be almost as big of an FB as ME. - Mett “FB” Fuge

Education Hey friends, We hope that the first half of 2016 has been exciting and educational! It certainly has been a busy one for Team Edu with the Medtor program getting up and running once again along with our very first Wellbeing Breakfasts, 1st, 2nd & 3rd mock OSCE nights, Electives night, VIVA practice sessions for the 4th years and a guest speaker talk! Many of these events would not have been possible if not for the support of several interns, registrars and senior clinicians who have given up their valuable time to enhance our education. To all of you, we say a massive thank you- not only from us, but on behalf of all of UNMS! Additionally, we would like to acknowledge the efforts of our amazing subcommittee along with many of you who volunteered your time to assist in running the Mock OSCEs. We really appreciate all the help you have all given us and recognise that these events were a success as a result of your kindness and hard work. It is exciting to see the entire of med school work together as a team to benefit each other. Remember to keep paying it forward! If you have any comments / concerns / questions regarding our events please remember to fill out the Feedback Form through the UNMS website or send us an email at

education@unms.org.au. Your feedback plays a vital role in our endeavour to continue improving the educational and wellbeing support which UNMS offers you! Similarly, this translates to your degree. If there is anything about the way the faculty is functioning or the education you are receiving that you would like to comment on, please also submit a feedback form via the UNMS website. Remember, that we are here to advocate for you no matter how big or small your dilemma. It has been a pleasure being your Education Officers and we look forward to seeing what the incoming Education Officer/s have in store for you! Lots of love, Your Education Officers, Piyumi and Theju

From the Editors Thinking GP? Think GP Synergy

The leading provider of GP training in NSW

MedRevue Dr Willy Wonka Medical Factory:

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This year around 100 JMP students put their talents together to bring Dr Willy Wonka and the Medical Factory to the stage. The MedRevue convenors Hannah Coleman and Peter Enks cowrote and co-directed this production while studying in their final year of the JMP. They could not believe their luck when they held the auditions and saw how many fantastic singers, dancers, musicians and actors were conveniently studying medicine. The band was headed by Alex Goswell with the help of James Kilpatrick and Josh Diamoy. Every audience member will confirm they did an incredible job. A first year student, Molina Thirumal, took on the role of chorus coordinator. Their four part harmonies left the audience with jaws hanging open. Roland Warner and Rebecca James lead the backstage crew, with an insane amount of set changes to navigate, these two and their team really turned each scene into something special. Lucy O’Connell took on the lights, never missing a cue. Hannah Coleman did the choreography for the show, which her dedicated dancers performed exceptionally. The lead actors, Marcus Cherry as Dr Willy Wonka and Wrivu Martin as Charlie Bucket, had the audience in fits of laughter from the curtain opening. Every audience member

seems to have a different favourite moment post-show; from David Wallace’s “Take On Me” to Maddy Temple and her interpretation of a somewhat unconventional psychiatrist, and all the scenes in between. This is a credit to the incredible cast, every member brought huge value to the show. A few local consultants jumped on board to make this show even better. Dr Charles Douglas and Dr Ross Kerridge are considered celebrities amongst the JMP students. It was an honour to have them both join in on the fun. With the support of Newcastle Lexus and Automotive, Dr Willy Wonka and the Medical Factory was a huge success. We raised $16,500 in ticket sales and have had such positive feedback from many local doctors, non-medical community members, family and friends. We all look forward to MedRevue 2017!

From the Cast: Editors Hotter than Hannah Coleman’s dancing and more rugged and chiselled than Peter Enks’ biceps, Lexus Medrevue 2016 was a massive success, with two jam packed nights featuring some of Medicines most phenomenal talent from singing to dancing to acting to backstage and lighting all the way to some superb musical performances. This year’s production of Willy Wonka and the Medical Factory directed by the dynamic duo of Hannah Coleman and Peter Enks featured Marcus Cherry play the delusional and drug addicted Dr Wonka as he attempted to guide five lucky golden ticket holders through the tumultuous experience of Medical School including the reluctantly Asian Chin F(l)ap (Daniel Feng), the quintessential daddy’s girl Violet Beauregard (Imogen Andrews), the ruralest rural who ever ruraled Johnny Outbackerlacken (Mallee Lambert), Instagram queen and #alternativeaf, Veruca Rocksalt (Freya Roebuck) and the illegitimate offspring of a family mailman and a housewife with a voice that launched a thousand Talley and O’Connor copies, Charlie Bucket (Wrivu Martin). As they travelled through the various ‘hours’ of Dr Wonka’s medical factory, the kids were treated to all the delights that medical school has to offer, from witnessing a semi-nude South East Asian Pizza Boy, a panadol loaded naturopathic soccer mum and a disgruntled

Lexus representative ride off into the sunset together, to being shoved up the poorly cleaned bowel of a VB drinking bogan using a horse glove, to watching a homicidal semipaedophilic surgeon flaunt his (admittedly) rock solid chest to a poorly anaesthetised patient, to ingesting a near lethal dose of LSD and pleasuring themselves with various furnishings of the stage. Now imagine all this with some of the most wicked dancing you have ever seen, courtesy of one of our amazing directors Hannah Coleman, featuring hip hop dances that left the audience twerking and grinding in their seats, to the elegance and poignancy of classical ballet moves that had the dancers raising their legs higher than Helen Nevell’s PASS attendance record. Not to mention some of the most amazing musical performances of Medrevue history, with a huge thankyou to musical prodigies Josh Diamoy and Alexander Goswell for their guidance, including Dave Wallace’s phenomenal keyboard explosion that’s probably reached number 1 already on some sort of musical chart, to the interracial rapping of Darsh (.feat Pratik), and of course Wrivu ‘voice of an angel if only you were single I would kidnap you and marry you and make you sing to me day and night’ Martin, to name only a tiny few of the amazing performances.

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A special mention to Medrevue life members Immy and Nas, who both have participated in every Medrevue since starting Med, to our backstage extraordinaires Elena and Bec for making the show run so smoothly, and to our amazing lighting, tech and sound guys for seriously making the show happen. And of course, a massive thankyou to each and every family member, friend, nanna, grandfather, ex-boyfriend, psychotic neighbour and 3rd grade teacher’s Pilates coach who came and bought a ticket to the show and who supported the amazing talent that we have here in Med, and a massive well done to Hannah Coleman and Peter Enks for being not only the nicest but also the most aesthetically pleasing directors ever. So we laughed, we cried, we secreted various other body fluids, and although Medrevue is over for another year, we will definitely never forget it. :) Marcus Cherry

Social

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Here’s to ER Party! We had so much fun putting on this event for you all, and look forward to the year that will be when we handle 2017’s UNMS Social. Right off the bat we’ll have First Incision, then some new spins on old events, and to finish, our final ER Party, which will be even bigger and better than this year’s one. Much of what made ER 2016 so special were the people. From doors at 7pm, certain keen beans were already lining up, only to be somewhat disappointed by the fact that while the event states a door time, people only really tend to show up later. Oh well, live, party and learn. No doubt, they were back later with the peloton and in fine form. Something that we took in stride was dealing with the sheer mass of people who decided that a 9:30 lockout meant a 9:27 arrival. Vast experience in shouting really loudly (tyvm medrevue) ended up being really handy for Jack and I – even though we may have given off the wrong impression to a few. Full disclosure, we’re capable of some other emotions too, and we’re hoping to put them on display during next year’s full run of watchable, shareable, commentable promo ideas. Watch this space, I guess? It wouldn’t have been a banger of a night if it weren’t for our DJs. 1st year Neil Broome and 2nd year Tom Quirk delivered memorable sets to a peaking crowd, and seeing people respond to the eclectic hard grime and trap around midnight was especially rewarding. The Argyle seemed to agree allowing us, inexplicably, to party on well past our agreed closing time at no extra charge. Eat, sleep, ER, repeat. Next to thank are 4th years Josh Darlow and Lachlan Gan for bringing back Dr’s Sanchez and Dagless, ultimately bringing promo to the next level. What people ended up seeing on release day was actually a script written the afternoon before, and shot only hours before the drop. While the line between method acting and their actual personalities continues to blur, they’re always great to shoot. Special shoutout to Lachy especially, for a record low in the amount of takes before wrap-up. Special thanks to the Argyle for letting us do our thang, and Elena, Ashley, Madeline and Calum too. Doing ER Party allowed us to make some mistakes and test boundaries while training wheels were on. In 2017, if all goes to plan, those mistakes will become the stuff of legend and boundaries will be pushed. Can’t reveal what events have to transpire for this to happen but be assured that Jack and I will be on krazy amounts of hype to make it happen. We need you beautiful starchildren to keep open minds, stay keen, share our social media and come to events. Also, maybe rumours of a dedicated sub-squad of overly keen/specialised human beings are true. Maybe DJing friends. Maybe choreography. Probably undue amounts of pop culture. Definitely aperitifs, beats, costumes, d, entries, feeds, getting it, et al. To twenty seventeen, from Jack + Diamoy.

Blue Week Filled with puppies, bowling and student discussion, Blue Week 2016 may have been the biggest yet*. From the 16th of 20th of May students were presented with a week of activities designed to combat the stigma around mental health issues and provoke discussion of personal mental health, stress and all the things that come with LIFE. This year was UNMS’ second year of running Blue Week and highlights included puppy therapy in the hunter building, a student led forum regarding managing mental health while studying, and a raucous night of bowling in Newcastle’s own Mayfield. In addition to these new events our second year saw the return of our staple dishes, the Speaker Night and Mental Health Services Expo. The speaker night included Professor Brian Kelly, Dean of Medicine at Newcastle, who praised the event and emphasised the importance of mental health support for patients and medical practitioners. As well as Associate Professors Rohan Walker and Paul Tooney who are neuroscience researchers. Their presentations included the latest research into depression and schizophrenia. The Mental Health Services Expo gave students the opportunity to engage with resources from Beyond Blue, AMSA Mental Health and the University Counselling service

however none of these could compete with the therapeutic power of dogs. Therapy dogs from Newcastle’s Delta Society kept medical students pawing for more. We hope the week kept everyone entertained and we look forward to Blue Week 2017. Mental health is an extremely important issue that is best tackled out in the open, with the support of friends, family, and maybe even colleagues. Ethan Brooker P.S. Check out my soundcloud for some absolute fire: https://soundcloud.com/jaybrook-293893864

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Teddy Bear Hospital From the Editors On Saturday 23rd July 2016, UNMS ran a Teddy Bears Hospital held at Foreshore Park, Newcastle. Around 50 children with their soft toys braved the strong chilly winds (up to 70km/h!) to attend the free event staffed by our very own medical students. First and foremost – a big thank you extends to all those who supported us, volunteered their precious time, baked goods for our charity bake sale, and those who brought their own children along for the day.

welcomed and helped them all to the best of our ability. Many well-loved furry friends were bandaged, with heart and lungs auscultated, temperature and blood pressure measured, and vaccinations kept up to date. Kids particularly loved wearing their own stethoscope and auscultating everything, from their parents to the floor. A particularly memorable moment was when Ryan amazed some twins by transforming into a majestic walrus. (See picture)

Our Teddy Bears Hospital aimed to show children what to expect from medical checkups, build early relationships between children and health professionals, and diminish anxieties in clinical environments. All those children we see kicking and screaming during our GP placements? They probably would benefit coming to a Teddy Bears Hospital like ours. Our event also provided our students from all years the chance to improve their ability to communicate with children and their parents.

From cupcakes to brownies and chocolates crackles – children and parents (with the occasional teddy) enjoyed some sweet treats after their day at the doctors. Our charity bake sale raised funds, with all proceeds donated to Leapfrog’s Fair Go for Kids – a charity that supports children in the Newcastle and Hunter area who are disadvantaged, or are living with a disability. The generosity seen that day was truly inspiring!

After some initial history taking of their soft toys’ ailments, children visited various stations to learn a bit more about first aid, vital signs and the importance of vaccinations. History of presenting complaints varied vastly – from falling down the stairs or some tummy aches, to multiple consecutive car crashes and ‘teddy cancer’ – our Teddy Bears Hospital

Seriously, this event would not have happened without all your support, so thanks again! If you missed out on this Teddy Bears Hospital, don’t worry – a little birdy told me that there’s more to come soon ;) Get keen for the next Teddy Bears Hospital coming to a location near you! You guys are awesome. Love you all, Elena Luo

AIDA Conference On the 14th - 17th of September 11 Indigenous Medical students from a range of year levels across the Joint Medical Program at UoN and UNE attended the Australian Indigenous Doctors Association (AIDA) 2016 Conference in Cairns, Queensland. The conference involved 4 days of presentations and workshops run by Indigenous and NonIndigenous AIDA members, doctors, medical students and guest speakers. The first day, a Wednesday, was started by a brief Acknowledgement of Country of the Aboriginal inhabitants of the Cairns region (recognising the Yirrgandydii people of Djabugay Nation and the Mandingalbay people of Ydinji Nation). AIDA’s close relationship with the Ngangkari (traditional healers of the Northern Territory) and the Ngaanyatijarra Pitjantjatjatijarra Yankunytjatjara (NPY) Woman’s Council of the Northern Territory brought about a great cultural enriching dance workshop to begin the Conference for #AIDACairns delegates. A Men’s and Women’s yarning circle in the afternoon allowed for medical student and doctors from all walks of life to explore their experience with culture and also just catch up for a yarn. An SRC meeting, AGM and a traditional smoking ceremony ended the day.

The students were launched into Thursday with student presentations about their research, ranging from biofabrication of skin and forensic evidence collection. The afternoon students were introduced to laparoscopic skills by the Royal College of Surgeons where they stacked cubes, cut gauze and sutured which is a lot more difficult using laparoscopic instruments. The afternoon finished with a workshop that all attended called ‘Growing our Fellows’ where all of the Medical Colleges had an official representative and with some, even the President of Colleges’ made an appearance to answer questions and provide information about their college; This was an incredible opportunity for Medical students and Medical school graduates to gain information about selection criteria and specific program structure about Medical College training specialist programs relating to their area of interest in Medicine. Friday saw the conference attendees split into two groups half going to an all day Emergency Medicine Skills workshop run by the Australian College of Rural and Remote Medicine (ACRRM). This workshop was an extremely full day of lectures and simulated practical scenarios catered especially to different medical education levels (students, graduates, fellows) with the use of mannequin’s, POCT machines and advanced portable emergency

equipment – each session was presented by doctors in medical education at ACRRM who ensured the most up to date information was taught in regards to emergency procedures and the latest treatment and management protocols. The other half of students attended talks by the AMA, Royal College of Surgeons and the IDEAS van representatives. The IDEAS van Initiative is a mobile van focusing on diagnosis and treatment of blindness and visual impairment in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities in rural and remote Queensland. After morning tea, the College of Dermatologists lead an amazing Suturing workshop where basic to more advanced suturing techniques were taught in this 3 hour workshop and was a great introduction for students and allowed interns to sharpen their skills. Presentations continued after lunch and the day finished with a talk by the ANZ College of Anaesthetists about the complexity and challenges of pain management; the presentation discussed in detail how pain was managed both long and short term. Friday night was the Blue Moon Gala Dinner, the students dressed to the nines, (pictured below) and enjoyed a night presented by the 2016 Deadly Funny winner Mr Jalen Sutcliffe. The Gala Ball meant presentation of the AIDA awards and a beautiful Acknowledgement of the new

SurgSoc From the Editors Graduates and Fellows of AIDA. Saturday students enjoy the off site activities including trips to the Royal Flying Doctors Service in Cairns, UMI Arts Centre and an Indigenous plant use trail at JCU. The tour at RFDS encompassed visiting the hangar as well as short remote emergency medical simulation workshops that tested medical knowledge and reactions to different rural medical scenarios that the RFDS handle on a daily level. The remaining students left attended a writing workshop in which they were taught about research writing skills for perspective students interested in medical research. The conference ended with hugs and handshakes, with students and doctors returning to every side of the country with the knowledge and experience they had gained and friendships that would last a lifetime. By the end students realised what an incredible organisation AIDA is and that the conference held in sunny Cairns would be one they would all be glad to attend wherever it ended up being held. Next year the Conference will be held in the Hunter Valley region, with exact details and location to be released next year. Cassandra Geeman, Josh Tobin

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The University of Newcastle Surgical Society (UNSS) was founded in 2009 to represent, promote and foster the surgical interests of students studying the Bachelor of Medicine at the University of Newcastle. The UNSS is a well regarded society integral to the lives of many medical students who strive to be the surgeons of tomorrow. Our members span over the 5 years of medical school and encompass several hundred students. This year, we have held events such as basic and advanced surgical skills training sessions, which had been greatly successful and had a great turnout with the help of registrars teaching students how to suture, plaster and do hand ties.

PSA

This is Tharsini, or “Tharsh” for short.

Not Darsh.

Don’t make the mistake.

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.................................... From the Editors

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Convention - TSV 16 On a chilly Saturday morning in early July, 53 eager Newcastle delegates hopped on a plane and made their way north to sunny Townsville. A week later – bruised, battered and certainly a little worse for wear – they made their way home: inspired, partied out and absolutely ready to do it all again in another 365 days. We’ve seen the unconventional, visited the great southern states and this year Convention asked us to Runaway - and whilst Swedish duo Galantis’ banger racked our brains for months on end in the lead up to AMSA’s premier national event, nothing could have prepared us for the amazing week that was Townsville Convention 2016. Whilst I could go on for hours and hours (as I’m sure a bunch of our lovely rangers could) here’s a little snapshot of our week: • Exhilarating, shocking and heartbreaking talks from speakers like Catherine McGregor, Australia’s former most senior ranking transgender military officer, Ronni Kahn, founder of Oz Harvest, and MSF ICU physician and Kunduz massacre survivor Kathleen Thomas • Legendary social nights – a ‘fallout’ street party, cruise to magnetic island (our Alcatraz for the evening) and a sparkling Gala Ball

• A close second (or 10th…or something along those lines) in defending our very legitimate title of Australia’s Brainiest Medical Student • Supporting our legendary JMP buddies at UNE in their win of Australia’s Boganest Medical student – nothing can beat the majesty of a Shannon Noll striptease in front of 1000 other medical students • A bunch of other shenanigans I probably shouldn’t mention in a published magazine, but something about winning Jack Mac’s money back… And whilst the medcest was on and pants were almost always off, I couldn’t have hoped for a better delegation of keen Rangers. It’s amazing to see so many new faces excited to learn about AMSA and meet medical students from across the country and I’m just excited to see what the years to come have to offer. To sign off I have to say an amazing thank you to our legendary AMSA Rep Bash who tirelessly kept us alive of a night and still managed to party like an absolute animal. To the EMC and Sports Day participants, as well as our debaters, and a couple of beautiful 5th years for whom this was their last convention (especially to a certian ‘Enis Envy, for whom there is so much gratitude for keeping

the AMSA spirit, love of ‘Rem and Convention afire for so many years)…but I’m sure we might see some of you make a sneaky appearance next year. So to those who have experienced the magic of Convention, and to those who don’t quite know what I’m going on about, all I can say is get ready for Sydvention 2017. Get unconventional, make your moment, runaway and stop and smell the ‘Roses’ – it’s set to be the best Convention yet. Chow chow, Madeline Temple

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Charities From warming wafts of a winter’s Bunning BBQ to quizzical questions on queer quandaries, the charities portfolio has seen exciting development in our pursuit to raise funds for Fair Go For Kids. It remains a privilege to be in the fortunate position that we, as medical students, find ourselves in- that we have the time and capability to devote our efforts towards such a worthy cause. Fair Go For Kids, an initiative of LeapFrog Ability, continues to find innovative and effective ways to support children suffering with chronic disease and disability, and also their families. It only requires a quick glance at some of the stories found on their website to understand the scope and depth of methods employed to support those who are struggling and are not wholly supported by social security structures. From subsidising a child’s treatment, to purchasing goods that aid with day to day tasks, to sourcing equipment that enables better mobility, and by extension, enhances the quality of life of that childit is our desire to see the work performed by Fair Go For Kids, in all these various ways, continue and expand into the future. It is for this reason that we are delighted to continue to financially support this charity. Our society’s participation in Charities events this year has been encouraging. We’ve had strong engagement with the

enjoyable ‘Captain America: Civil War’ held at Reading Cinemas, the aforementioned Bunnings BBQ at Wallsend, the annual UNMS Trivia Night, MedSoc and Wake Up’s collaborative Red Party at the Argyle and Newcastle’s gruelling Hill2Harbour run. It was brilliant to witness our beloved subcommittee members slice bags and bags of onions in the name of charity, and also to watch the desperate attempts of trivia team representatives to fit their fist in their mouths. Other highlights included the most challenging round of Third Division Swedish Hockey League trivia in UNMS history and our determined contingent of runners conquering the Newcastle pavement over the 10kms of the Hill2Harbour. This would not have been possible without the enthusiastic assistance of the great Charities Subcommittee who have dedicated their efforts to furthering MedSoc’s sustained support for Fair Go For Kids, and also the continuing willingness of MedSoc members to invest in what we can all agree is a virtuous cause. - Mitch Wong & Charlie Jeong

Yeotime Gymtime World renowned MMA fighter Randy Couture once said “If you’ve got a door you’ve got a gym” well that guy is an idiot because you’ve only got a gym if you’ve got a gym, there is no substitute. Hi I’m Derrick Yeo and this is my annual Yeotime – Gymtime column where I talk about love, life and the gym. A little known fact is that the popular book and film Eat, Pray, Love is actually based on my selling biography Drink, Smoke, Gym. A more well known fact is that the popular animated character Buzz Lightyear was actually based on me. Now the main reason I decided to start this column is because people were constantly coming up to me and asking “Derrick, how do I get your svelte Buzz Lightyear aesthetic and physique?”. Well I’m not going to lie, it took a lot of dedication, drinking, hard work, drinking and determination but, luckily for you lovely lot I’ve whipped to together a gym routine that’ll have you struggling to squeeze through doors in no time.

Workout 1: • Bicep Curls 10x10 • Talk to my best friend Faisal • Preacher Curls 10x10 • Converse with my best friend Faisal • Barbell Curls 10x10 • Hang with my best friend Faisal • Concentration Curls 10x10 • Celebrate with my best friend Faisal Repeat workout 1 every day for the next 20 years Now a word of caution, unless you want to end up with that legs only detectable by electron microscope look synonymous with Pratik I suggest that you make time for at least one leg day a semester.

Before: Feb 2015

Workout 2 (Leg Day): • Complain about leg day to my best friend Faisal • Kill time stretching • Complain some more about leg day to my best friend Faisal • Drink a protein shake • Pick an occupied squat rack and pretend that it’s your favourite so you can’t squat until its free – repeat as needed • Squat the bar 1x1 • Celebrate with my best friend Faisal about leg day being over *Faisal is my best friend so please replace “my best friend Faisal” with your own best friend

After: Oct 2016

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Mong's Memes* “Born too late to explore the Earth, born too soon to explore the Galaxy, born just in time to browse dank memes” – Mong Ying Memes, we can’t seem to get enough of them. They have permeated almost every aspect of our modern day digital age lives. From the such cute and much random shiba inu Doge (fun fact Doge means the chief magistrate of Venice or Genoa) to the always applicable hat toting scumbag Steve, memes are a reflection of the vastness and impossibility of life itself. Because of this keeping up to date with the latest and dankest memes is a seemingly insurmountable task… UNTIL NOW! This article will ensure that you will be savvy with the freshest of memes. So without further ado, let’s get to it!

Harambe

There’s not much to say about this one… What happened was tragic and will live in infamy for the rest of time. I must stress that Harambe himself IS NOT A MEME, the events leading to and directly after his passing are. Harambe will forever continue to live on in the collective mind of the Earth’s population and as such has entered into a rarefied state of venerated meme status. RIP Sweet Prince Damn Daniel How could we not include this overnight and worldwide phenomenon? At its core it’s constitution is quite simple; a funny voice + repetition of a basic phrase + alliteration + white cis males. While individually these components are not inherently funny together they lead to the creation of something truly magical – a meme worth of an appearance on Ellen. I personally believe that Damn Daniel has the moxie and spunk necessary to enter the pantheon of unquestionably exceptional and dank memes.

DJ Khaled Snapchat ID: djkhaled305

“They don’t want you to win” “Congratulations, you’ve played yourself” “They never said winning is easy” The above quotes all have one thing in common, they were spoken by the very first living meme – DJ Khaled. Armed with his trusty iPhone, snapchat and his own unique brand of genius Khaled made history by rejigging himself from a hip hop savant into a bonafide living breathing meme… who also happens to be a hip hop savant. When Khaled says he holds the major keys to success you better believe it. After he too appeared on Ellen, Khaled has parlayed his newfound ultrastardom into increased album sales, an entirely new audience and new and exciting endorsements and business prospects. Memes fall in and out of favour all of time but I truly believe that DJ Khaled as a meme will withstand the test of time itself. While I may not know who “they” are, there’s no way they or anyone else can stop the DJ Khaled meme train of dreams. That’s all for this installment of Mong’s memes folks! See you next time.

*Due to a complaint (not saying who from) sent into the insanely handsome and unbelievably sexy pubs and promo team the name of this article’s author has been expertly obfuscated - we hope that this does not dimish the enjoyment you derive from this article :)

Donate From theBlood! Editors We’ve all heard the statistic that calls us to duty – a third of us will need to receive blood at some stage in our lives, and only one in 30 people donate. But let’s break that down a little more. So a one in three of us will need to receive blood in our lives. Relatively speaking, that’s 40 people in your year group. Three students in your PBL tute. That could be your parent, friend, partner, you. And it could be for a whole host of reasons. A third of people who receive blood have cancer or a blood disease. Another 20% are people undergoing surgery, including open-heart surgery and burns victims. The rest could be anaemic patients, pregnant women, trauma patients or have other medical problems like heart and kidney disease. In total, Australians need over 27,000 blood donation each week. But it only takes one single donation to help at least three different patients, as well as contributing to products like immunisations. And so we come back to that scary number – only one in 30 of us donate. Why is that? There are 83 fixed donation centres and 38 mobile units in Australia. The Red Cross website is comprehensive and its hotline is user friendly. The information is out there, and the whole process of donating takes only an hour.

My theory is, blood donation is one of those things we always talk about wanting to do, and never get around to - like washing the car, volunteering for a not-forprofit or spring cleaning. Especially as medical students, we know how crucial blood is to life. In a way, we have a responsibility to lead the way in blood donation. Head to www.donateblood. c o m . a u /d o n a t e # f i n d - a donor-centre to make a booking, or call the Red Cross Blood Service on 131 495. Finally, make sure you have a read of the prerequisites for blood donation at www. donateblood.com.au/ eligibility, as unfortunately, not everyone is eligible. Thank you to all future donators, and may the bloodiest university win! Isabella Ludbrook

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Semester 1 The UNMS Dayas’ – Division 1 Mixed Basketball Champions (Semester 1, 2016) Mid-Season Report (The UNMS Dayas’ finished the regular season in 2nd spot on the ladder with 6 wins and 2 losses, making the playoffs and then advancing to the final, where they won convincingly against the regular season leaders, 51-40, to be crowned champions.) Forget Kobe Bryant’s retirement or the NBA playoffs, the real action is happening down at the forum every Wednesday night with the UNMS Dayas’ social basketball team. The team has lost only 1 game thus far, managing a combination of blow-out and buzzer-beating wins in the other 4 games. One of the games involved a commanding and convincing 1-point win over the other social basketball team, the UNMS Nalivaiko’s. This victory came down to the wire, with the team pulling through at the end on the back of Maddy Temple’s robotic baseline buckets and Nick (“The White Larry Bird”) Cooper’s ridiculous shooting from deep. The Dayas’ are looking to continue this form into the remainder of the season, especially in the next run-in with the rival Dayas’. With the finals looming, the idea of a premiership is prominent and every play begins to count. So if you want to see some good quality basketball and even better banter, get down to the Forum on a Wednesday

to support the Dayas’. Just don’t be lured down by Jack Giddey’s promise of a slam dunk or half-court shot, because it’s simply not true. By Tom Quirk The UNMS HSP’s – Division 3 Runner-Ups (Semester 1, 2016) Season Review (The UNMS HSP’s finished the regular season in 3rd spot on the ladder with 6 wins and 5 losses, making the playoffs and then advancing to the final, where they lost a tight game to the undefeated season leaders, 31-27.) Season Review This season, our team has arguably achieved what no other basketball team has ever done before: having a successful season whilst centring our whole basketball experience around the mighty Halal Snack Pack (HSP). With more HSPs consumed per person than games played, our squad ended up as Division 3 Runner-Ups by playing an energetic, teambased brand of basketball with a freestyle run-andgun offence, much like how kebab shop staff respond when the pressure’s on and they’re overwhelmed with orders for delicious snackies. This was coupled by a multilayered, scrambling defence, which opposing teams found difficult to break down and which was powered behindthe-scenes by the Holy Trinity of Sauces – garlic, barbeque

and chilli. A particular highlight of the regularseason was a tight 7-point win over the other Division 3 medical team, the UNMS Outram’s, early on, setting the tone for our respective seasons (#banter). This amazing team effort, carried over throughout the matches week in and week out, allowed the HSP team to finish the regular season in 3rd place and advance to the playoffs with an enviable points allowed/conceded ratio. And so, the stage was set for an epic semi-final show-down between two heavyweight teams of the division, as our squad faced the 2nd-placed team, who we had lost to previously by 3 points. However, this time, the HSP’s prevailed easily with the support of a vocal crowd, sweeping the other team away in a clinical performance as we led comfortably for the whole match and, despite some late-match wobbles, won by 8 points. However, the final did not go to plan as the other team, who finished the regular season undefeated, forced their game plan onto us and stopped the HSP’s from playing our unique brand of basketball, resulting in a frustrating 4-point loss. Despite this, the UNMS HSP’s had an amazing season which will be looked back on very fondly.

Social Sport From the Editors The UNMS Nalivaiko’s – Division 1 Mixed Basketball Mid-Season Report

The UNMS Chouglas’ Division 2 Touch Football: “The Bustling Fridge”

So we may have had a bye this week, but one sole combatant of the Soviet Union has been tireless at work and this week deserves the MVP. Here is his story. A lone figure can be seen shrouded in the shadowy abyss that has engulfed the forum courts this Wednesday night. This was once a place of joy, a place of bright dazzling lights, a place for people to escape the horrors of the world... Cheers and laughter used to echo and resonate through the warm wooden timbers. This is all gone now... Replaced by the deathly silence and gloom of Wednesday bye week. The figure remains... Week in and week out he will be there. He does not age, a man as old as the earth his feet rests on. He waits for the day his team will rise from the ashes and fill that empty hall once again. Like the moon he shines down upon us, his gentle light refracting off us, bringing peace to everything it touches. You may wonder. Who is this great being, where is he from and how did he get there? Why it is none other than old father time, Ravi Naran! He wanders the hall in wait, just to catch a glimpse of our majestic team. So it is with a great hoorah, I award him the most valuable player award. By Toby Hunt

Nothing is as beautiful as a fridge. Its cool, it hums, it stores delicious things. Flys like a gazelle? maybe just a smidge, Not to mention all the passion it brings. At Monday touch, there a sight I did see, A bustling fridge, it was on the green. This ice cold box pirouetted to me, It dazzled our team with its shiny glean. The game began, things became apparent, This fridge did things no typical one could. It moved, it side-stepped like something once dreamt, And after the game, the score was quite good This team, it grows around Patrick Schwager! We are the bacteria, he’s the blood agar By Toby Hunt

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The UNMS Dabson’s – Division 1 Mixed Netball This year’s Sunday night netball team’s season so far is a story of huge potential. The season began strongly as we came out of the traps firing with a dominant win over a veteran division 1 team and the hopes were high for the Dabson’s breakout div 1 season. The stage was set for a meteoric rise to parallel the soaring heights achieved by Jamie Vardy and the Leicester City dream makers. The team boasted a seasoned lineup of experienced division 2 ballers prepared to break their way into the spot light. However akin to the modern day Arsenal fan’s Christmas period, or an LA Clippers fans’ post season, not much cheer has come of late. This could all be reversed however as the team looks to turn things around and earn the mantle of ‘giant killers’ in the biggest game of all against the one they call: Manvell. The stage is set. By Nick Hewett

Ode to Harambe His perfect wisdom will lead us to truth. All hail Harambe, gorilla and friend! Weep for his brutal and hideous end. Honor his life with impeccable deeds So that his glorious mission succeeds. Let his wise legacy stand for all time. How he behaved with a virtue sublime, Rescued a toddler that entered his land And was undone by an insolent hand! We are Harambians stoic and strong, His cherished memory we seek to prolong. May every nation discover his word. Praise dear Harambe our simian lord! -anon

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IMPORTANT: Professional indemnity insurance products available from Avant Mutual Group Limited ABN 58 123 154 898 are issued by Avant Insurance Limited, ABN 82 003 707 471, AFSL 238 765. The information provided hereindemnity is general insurance advice only. You should consider appropriateness of Limited the advice having regard to your objectives, situation needs before purchase or IMPORTANT: Professional products available fromthe Avant Mutual Group ABN 58 123 154 898 are own issued by Avantfinancial Insurance Limited,and ABN 82 003 707deciding 471, AFSLto238 765. The continuing toprovided hold a policy us. For full details including terms,the conditions, and exclusions that apply, please read and consider the policy wording and PDS, available at avant.org.au or by information here iswith general advice only. You shouldthe consider appropriateness of the advice having regard to your own objectives, financial situation andwhich needsisbefore deciding to purchase or contacting us on 1800 128 268. Insurance Cover available under a Group Policy between Accident Health Ptyand Limited 26is053 335 952 Avant Mutual continuing to hold a policy with*Avant us. For Travel full details including theis terms, conditions, and exclusions that apply, please&read andInternational consider theUnderwriting policy wording PDS,ABN which available at and avant.org.au or by Group Limited ABN 58 123 TheTravel issuersInsurance are CGU Cover Insurance Limitedunder ABN 27 004 478 371 between and AIA Australia ABN 79 004 837Underwriting 861. Travel insurance is subject to 053 registration to contacting us on 1800 128 154 268.898. *Avant is available a Group Policy AccidentLimited & Health International Pty Limited ABN 26 335 952with and Avant Avant prior Mutual each trip. Each insured person will incur an excess of $250 for each and every claim applicable under any section of this policy. For full details including the restrictions, terms, conditions and exclusions Group Limited ABN 58 123 154 898. The issuers are CGU Insurance Limited ABN 27 004 478 371 and AIA Australia Limited ABN 79 004 837 861. Travel insurance is subject to registration with Avant prior to that apply, please read and consider the an PDS, and Avant’ s Terms andand Conditions of Travel Insurance Cover orfull by contacting us on the 1800restrictions, 128 268. terms, conditions 3194-12/15(0478) each trip. Each insured person will incur excess of $250 for each every claim applicable under anyavailable section at of avant.org.au this policy. For details including and exclusions that apply, please read and consider the PDS, and Avant’s Terms and Conditions of Travel Insurance Cover available at avant.org.au or by contacting us on 1800 128 268. 3194-12/15(0478)

Raj put me in charge of printing and it turns out they need 2 more pages to get the binding right... so this is what you get

Ductus

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