TSLR
The Albion Fanzine TSLR055 January 2014
BRIDDERS NO LEAVE THROUGH BLOODY WINDOW. I GET BOYS TO BOARD THEM UP AT AMEX!
£1
Inside: Inside The Museum Meet Mr. Ince Friendly Away Grounds Gus Kapital
the TSLR SHOP
Albion tat boutique www.tslr.bigcartel.com
Inside TSLR055 5. What’s Hot, What’s Not 6. Calendar
TSLR055 The Seagull Love Review is an independent Brighton and Hove Albion magazine. Issue 56 / Jan 2014 The views expressed in the publication do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editors, or The Seagull Love Review. Thanks this issue to BM, NB, BM, RM, SW, JT, GE and TC Edited by SS and SS Artwork/Photos by SS and DL Digital Publishing by BP
tslr@hotmail.co.uk @tslr
8. Midfield Diamond 10. Marco Van Bastard 12. Mr. Ince 14. Photographs 20. Reviews 23. Haywards Heath Ledger 24. New Year Honours 26. Gus Kapital 28. A Night At The Museum 30. Carter
Welcome and Happy New Year to Albionites from all of us here at TSLR Towers. Unfortunately, on some level, 2013 will forever be remembered as the year when we blew it against ‘them’ in the play-offs so in a way it’s nice to see the back of it. As we tend to do in Falmer-era Decembers, Albion stuttered a bit last month but Oscar’s still managed to achieve a similar points total as at this stage last season. It all means we’re well placed for an assault of the top six again this year. Something that will be a lot easier if we win a home game or two against the rubbish teams. All that aside, real praise this month is due to those who made the away trips to Middlesbrough and Blackpool - those 1-0 wins were the least you deserved. Thanks for your continued support, we really appreciate it. Up the Albion. S+S
What’s Hot!
What’s Not!
Rohan The Barbarian is on fire still. We never lose when he plays. I never want him to leave. I’d give him my signed photo of Adam Woodyatt and everything!!! Ince is so good that he can squeeze apple juice out of the half time oranges. Fact.
How can one person get a decision so wrong? Simon Hooper’s decision to give Bournemouth a penalty was scandalous. Apparently he also said that the Greek economy is stable, the weather is fine and Hitler was a nice man. Shocking
A new year, new hopes and dreams for players and fans alike. 2014 is looking great so far, undefeated in all competitions. We are going up, I said we are going up. Stats
They call it the best competition in the world. Romantic. Inspiring. But the magic of the FA Cup brought us Reading at home and Plymouth or Port Vale away. We want glamour ties like Man City or Macclesfield. Yawn.
Last summer Rohan Ince went for a bike ride whilst on holiday in the Pyrenees, he accidentally won Le Tour de France. Fact. Over the Christmas and winter period, since the Spanish Dave debacle at Wigan, it is pleasing to see that none of the starting XI in the proceeding matches have worn gloves, sparing themselves huge embarrassment. Hard. I love flair. You love flair. We all love flair. Seeing Kazenga dish out the Flairerro Rochers to Danny “ludicrous hair cut” Guthrie in the last minute against Reading was better than Nandos. Showboat.
@BrettMendoza
Everyone likes their team scoring goals, but Joey Woodwork seems to hate us. The last 4 games have seen us hit the frame of the goal 11 times, denying us 37 goals which would see us top of the table. Crossbar. He maybe sent to us from the Flairniacs Heaven, but Kazenga undid so much of his good work by coming on at Blackpool wearing gloves. Ashamed. After dispatching of Wrexham in the FA Cup a couple of seasons back, Ashley Barnes declared on TV he was glad to get the three points. No one would be stupid enough to make the same mistake again? Surely? Then along came Kemy Augstien declaring to Twitter that three points were important against Reading after dropping points at home to Bournemouth. Gaff.
December 2013
tslr calendar
12 December Last summer, we were blinded by the exciting news that some Barcelona B ‘wunderkind’ called Gerard Deulofeu would come to Albion on loan. Well, we all know that Deulofeu ended up at Everton so, as we head into another transfer window, we’re sincerely hoping that the brilliantly named Cameroonian attacking youngster, Jean Marie Dongou, will join the Garcia revolution at Falmer. Dongou messing it up with Barca B now, Oscar. 13 December If you don’t already follow @OldSchool Panini on Twitter then please do so. You’ll be treated to wonderful player photos of yesteryear including this fabulous shot of Peter O’Sullivan and his ‘tache. We know, it comes from the days before Movember and everything. 17 December Fancy a new job? The Albion called for applications to become their new ‘Academy Player Liaison Officer’ in December. Responsibilities include: keeping the youth team away from the Jury’s Inn; checking player’s mobile phones for inappropriate photographs; and avoiding court cases at all costs. Send your CV to the club if you’re interested. 18 December Back before Xmas, the Albion reported that twins, Mollie and Rosie Kmita, turned out for the women’s team - the first time a set of twins has played for the Albion ever. So how did Albionites react when the story was posted on the club’s Facebook page? With all the maturity expected of a bunch of football fans. Rhys Wilson
was particularly impressed with how ‘gorgeous’ they are; David Peapell thought their attractiveness warranted the watching of the women’s team more often; whilst Charlie Fieldwick simply went with ‘Wwweeeyyy’ as Dan Rolf went with the equally simple ‘Would’. It took Richard Clarke to point out: ‘Bloody hell, this thread is like Facebook existed in the 1950s. Misogyny 1. Albion fans 0. 21 December It’s down to the ever reliable Brighton and Hove News for December’s headline of the month. In referring to Ashley Barnes’ misses at home to Huddersfield, they coined the term ‘Mistletoe and Wide’. The News focused on how Ash had been given two golden chances to beat the Terriers. Had the ball fallen to Ulloa, they would have only been ‘decent chances’ but, as with all things Ashley Barnes, the chances were easier than that. However, B&H News deserve absolutely nothing for their 14 December headline (‘Things are looking Upson!’). No, no, no. 25 December We were absolutely cock-a-hoop that we didn’t receive one of the worst possible Albion-related presents this year. ‘The Best Ever Book of Brighton and Hove Albion Jokes’, by Mark Young, is part of a series where they take traditional jokes and substitute the Irish character for whichever football side they’re aiming at. An amazing excerpt reads: ‘Did you hear about the Brighton and Hove Albion Fan who wore two jackets when she painted
the house? The instructions on the can said put on two coats’. 26 December Turns out it’s not just Albion players who end up in court. Boxing Day saw the Islington Gazette scream: ‘Crystal Palace and Brighton fans punished for Caledonian Road violence’ and Boxing Day is the reason we fight, according to song. The Gazette referred to a 1980s reunion that took place near King’s Cross in late 2012 where 20 people were arrested for violent clashes between Albion and P****e fans. One Arundel resident was given a 14-month prison sentence. Boxing Day also brought the moment we’ve not all been waiting for this season. P****e’s 1-0 away win at Aston Villa lifted them out of the relegation zone for the first time. We sought solace in the fact that, if they stay up, at least we won’t have to run the risk of losing against them next season. 1 January A happy new year to all our readers came courtesy of our (sort of) M23 neighbours: a 1-1 draw with Norwich saw P****e return to their rightful position back
in the relegation zone. Phew. Now we haven’t been a big fan of Tony Pulis since Stoke beat us throughout the 2000s but, if he can do the honour of getting P****e relegated, then he’ll be on some sort of redemption road. 4 January Nigel Adkins brought his latest team to
Falmer. Nigel Adkins’ team lost. The planets aligned once more. However, the solar system will implode if and when Albion win a home match against a team from the bottom half of the table. It’s funny how the 20,696 Albion (and Reading) fans who attended the FA Cup
match at Falmer showed an almost identical number of empty seats compared with the 28,282 supporters who ‘attended’ the league game against Bournemouth. The ‘Emirates Complex’ (a term coined to explain the counting of non-attending season ticket holders, first introduced by Arsenal at their new Highbury) continues apace. 5 January As ever with FA Cup draws, here at TSLR we have just one stipulation. Ideally, we’d have liked a nice home tie or somewhere away within a reasonable travelling distance. The result: a trip to Plymouth or Port Vale. Brilliant. 14-15 January What would the new year be without an Albion-related court case? Fresh from an early January charm offensive from Brendon Rodgers and his allegedly voyeuristic son (they gave joint interviews to the Guardian and Sun), 2014 will see an interesting match taking place at Brighton Magistrate’s Court. Colin KazimKazim will be in attendance supposedly backed by current Albion players - to contest allegations that he’s a podgy homophobe. TSLR
I
’m becoming increasingly worried about going to away games. The atmosphere at several grounds we’ve been to over the past couple of seasons has changed, and more and more are following suit. It’s a phenomenon which threatens to alter our long-held feelings towards certain teams forever. And I’m afraid we may have started it. I’m talking about being regarded as a welcome visitor rather than treated like a criminal invading outsider, as has been customary for many years. Being greeted by the turnstile operator with a smile instead of a scowl is somewhat off-putting for me. I’m not used to a cheery willingness to serve me my pie and pint, rather than miserable inefficiency with tuts and sighs if I haven’t got the right money. And why are we having to deal with friendly, approachable, helpful stewards? Surely they have no place in the away stand. I remember the days when Cardiff
kept a very special ‘welcome in the hillsides’ for us. Hostility was the word, not just from the home fans but from absolutely everyone associated with the Club from Chairman to ballboys. For us, it was very much a case of get in, watch the game, and get out again as quickly as possible. And for Cardiff themselves, it was get the away fans in, make their afternoon as uncomfortable as possible, and keep them in until the ‘Piss Off Back To England’ committee had gathered outside the away end to complete the deeply unpleasant experience. Cardiff was probably the worst I was subjected to but it was the same to some extent almost everywhere we went. We accepted that was how away fans were treated and the amount of discomfort coloured our judgement with regard to hatred of the Clubs in question. I dislike Preston and Oldham and Derby and Luton for no other reason. Our poor treatment added to the reasons for detesting Leeds
and Millwall and Portsmouth. And it was just another factor in the profound hatred of Palace that we are all born with. Then Falmer came along and we started being ‘nice’ to away fans. We gave them padded seats and a good view of the pitch. We served them decent beer before and after games. We showed videos of their Club’s greatest moments and bathed the away concourse in mood lighting in their team’s colours – I still think that was someone’s idea of a joke to which Martin Perry said, “Yeah, why not?”. In short, we tried to make their visit as pleasant as possible, irrespective of the team they supported. Some Clubs are reciprocating, which I find disturbing. At Reading, the staff in the away end wore Brighton T-shirts and there were television screens showing Brighton games. At Cardiff last year, they handed out scarves and there were Playstation consoles
available, with which the youngest in the Diamond family was mightily impressed. Wigan welcomed us into a large bar and lounge with a big screen showing the Merseyside derby – shame about the frothy tasteless beer but everything else was really good. And Yeovil greeted us all with a friendly search before we got soaked on an open terrace and then kept us in the car park for ages after the game – ok, they’ve still got a way to go but it takes a while for things to catch on in the West Country. What’s worrying though, is that I no longer feel the same loathing towards Cardiff as I did for all those years. And if even Cardiff can change my attitude, what about the rest of them? Will I have a good time at Derby? Will Millwall be friendly and enjoyable? Could I even learn to hate Palace less? No, that last one is clearly stretching the point too far. TSLR
Midfield Diamond
Marco Van Bastard There’s few things Albion fans like moaning about more than referees. TSLR, being the publication of note that it is, tries to moan with a bit more rationale @FraggleMiller
I
hate to be that guy moaning about referees. Slings and arrows, sour grapes, that’s life and all that: there’s nothing wrong with chance and adventure, Lady Luck can thumb her nose coquettishly at us as much as she pleases as far as I’m concerned, fury and injustice welcome. From gaping Ashley Barnes chances to the trajectory of GG’s turning circle, there are many uncomfortable imponderables we all must bear at our beloved cathedral on the average Saturday. But to witness a decision as laughable as Simon Hooper made 13 minutes into the Bournemouth game, when even us squeaking dorks up in the Gods could see his misjudgement, reflects a governing body so rooted in the past it must be difficult to glimpse the future through the dusty cobwebs shrouding their vision. Luck alludes to a mystical element, but there is nothing ethereal about seeing an entirely unremarkable tackle being immediately met with a spot-pointing finger. Hooper could not have been certain, in the same way none of us could hold instant conviction about witnessing the non-existent. Choosing to neither pause nor consult his nearest assistant for a decision of such magnitude bore with it the same whiff of a bung as the outside-the-area handball with which Bournemouth equalised against us four years ago, when the assistant waded in, his red nose and clown shoes as glaring as the farce of his adjudication. “He is famous now”, said Poyet at
the time, having seen the replay in a portakabin moments later. And therein lies a problem even easier to solve in our savvy new home: if the FA are to eradicate any accusations of foul play, why not use the technology available? Up in their flickering ivory tower, temptation must have loomed large for whoever controls the action replays. If the game is to increase its integrity and referees are worthy of support, surely they should be helped wherever possible? The opposing argument, that occasional replays would spoil the spontaneity and flow of games, is another tired one – we’re not asking for a video conference every time there’s a contentious throw-in by the halfway line. It’ll all be forgotten, as usual, by the time you read this. We didn’t lose, we’ve an FA Cup game to look forward to, and the authorities won’t make themselves accountable to questions we, as supporters paying plentiful quids to watch a sport, are entitled to ask. Their job, and the job of referees, is to serve the fans and the players, rather than hiding unequivocally behind stonewall silence and administering stern fines to professionals who question them. Referees are placed under this untouchable veil, but they, too, are supposedly professionals, having chosen to try their best at a task they wanted to carry out. If you are questioning who has the most to lose, the cost to a referee’s ego of having an initial decision proved wrong is nothing in light of how much a pernickety penalty can cost in the age of riches. TSLR
“According to an Opta powered website, Mr Ince has no significant weaknesses. Say that again. No significant weaknesses.� Page 12
MR INCE
Dry your eyes, mate. Liam may be off but in Rohan Ince we have uncovered another midfielder capable of choreographing your Saturday afternoons
B
y the time this edition of TSLR arrives in your hand, Brighton may well have cashed in on two-time player of the year Liam Bridcutt. But do not lament his passing or become embittered. The Albion apron strings are cut. He is free to run wild on Premier League pitches. Wave him goodbye and wish him well. And fear not. For the Albion have a new midfield maestro ready to wrestle his way into our affections. His name is Rohan Ince. And he is good. First let us get the facts and stats out of the way, for they do nothing to illustrate his full flight majesty or the grace in which he goes about his all-action, every-blade-ofgrass-covering approach. Mr Ince – for a player of his imposing nature surely deserves the upmost respect – has played 15 times for the Seagulls this season. He has lost just once. And on the seven occasions on which Mr Ince has blessed the pitch with 90 full minutes, Oscar Garcia’s men have won six and drawn one. When Mr Ince plays, Brighton tend not to lose. He has made 29 tackles, recorded 24 interceptions, won a team high towering 49 of his 68 aerial battles and has clocked up 457 passes for a pass completion rate of 82.2 per cent. And according to an Opta powered website, Mr Ince has no significant weaknesses. Say that again. No significant weaknesses. One can feel the potential Bridcutt mourning period shortening by the minute That is not to say Mr Ince and Bridcutt play the same role. They don’t. One is a midfield fulcrum, always available, always looking to change the angle of attack. But if Bridcutt was/is the heartbeat of the Brighton team, Mr Ince is its collective desire made flesh. Its will to win neatly packaged in a ma-
rauding, rampaging midfielder. The sort of player who is capable, with one driving run, one full-blooded tackle or one explosive burst, of dragging a team onwards by the scruff of its neck. But anyone dismissing Mr Ince as simply a muscle-bound powerhouse owes him an apology. He is more than that. Much more. To see Mr Ince gliding over the grass is a thing of beauty, a moment of poise and physical perfection played out amid the humdrum of Championship football. His movement belongs in a gallery. He is a ballerina with the ball. We supporters should embrace him, treasure him and enjoy him. Like Bridcutt, it may be Mr Ince’s ability and ambition eventually reaches higher than the Albion can provide. If that day comes, it should not be a cause of regret or annoyance. It should be an occasion for giving thanks that we were lucky enough to witness the emergence of such a talent. Just like Bridcutt’s likely departure should not taint the memories of his glorious spell on the south coast. Like the wives of yesteryear lining the streets to wave their husbands off to watch their team play in the FA Cup final, Bridcutt should go with our blessing. But what the footballing gods taketh with one hand they giveth with the other. For the time being at least, Mr Ince is ours. Relish him. He might not be here forever, but the memories he promises to create will be. TSLR
The Minor
An Albion Year in Photographs Courtesy of @DannyLast
(With the usual TSLR crew in nonattendance it was left to the ever present Berkshire to write our Middlesbrough report. Sounds like we didn’t miss much) We caught an early train to Middlesbrough, watched the game, had a Parmo and came home. Somewhere in the game Matt Upson scored from a corner with a downward header. Nothing else of note happened in the entire match and the journey home devoid of any matchday moments to discuss. (Berkshire) (Thankfully Berkshire’s Blackpool report had a bit more meat to the bone ...)
Blackpool for some years has been somewhat of an unlucky ground to visit but this year was different. The usual tat of kiss-me-quick hats and Palace donkey jokes down on the promenade were in attendance but this time we got to experience a nice little win at the north’s finest holiday resort. The Albion were in improved form playing a possession game that in part was helped by Blackpool’s poor play as much as Albion’s recent form improvement. The Albion were making chances and starting a matchday habit of hitting the woodwork that would continue as a theme for our festive fixtures. In the battle of the Ince family there was only one winner, our very own Rohan Ince. Rohan battled with Liam Bridcutt to win the midfield battle and will surely soon have a price tag that surpasses second cousin, Tom, who put in a shocking display throughout. The less said about Paul the better Blackpool’s manager was booed on several occasions by the Tangerines. Fortunately the bit of luck that had eluded us against Huddersfield and Charlton was found when Basque country legend Calde hit a shot at the near post that the Blackpool keeper missed to set us off home with some festive points under our belts. Jinglebells, jingle-bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to see Brighton win away! (Berkshire)
Ok so I’m rather ill. A particularly virulent strain of man flu has broken me. And my internet has stopped working which means this review of the Huddersfield game will be even more lacking than usual. Considering I can only remember one event from the game this is going to be pretty short. 0-0 then. But not a rubbish 0-0. A fairly decent one all things considered. We probably just about edged it but it was hard to feel particularly aggrieved at the result. And now the one thing I remember! Ashley missing a sitter. Except it wasn’t a sitter and came to him too fast to be able to get over the ball. So he missed. That is all my mind has stored. I think it’s broken. Ooh, also rather pleasing was my drunk self passing out around 10pm, thus not getting into trouble and having a nice 12 hour sleep with no hangover the next day. Make sure you buy next month’s TSLR for more half assed match reviews like this. Just a pound! Sorry. I blame the illness. Which my phone tried to auto correct to lioness. Which’d be cooler. (Phen)
There is nothing better than Boxing Day football, or so we thought as we set off to Charlton Athletic. Situated in a rain collecting valley, it’s no surprise that Charlton’s home ground is called the Valley. During a pre-match drink, I was told some fascinating history about the place: From its construction in 1919, the Valley had the largest capacity of any football ground in London (over 75,000) with the East Terrace able to hold a large majority of this - a huge standing area of which we can only dream. Xmas hangover successfully drunk away, it was time to focus on the match in hand. Albion took the lead through Leonardo Ulloa, who slotted home at the far end halfway through the second half. Despite a wet, muddy pitch, the Albion looked comfortable for most of the first half. That was, until Charlton scored. The home side were 3-1 up by the time the Albion turned up for the second half on 75 minutes and, despite a 90th minute second for Ulloa, and a frantic finish, it was Albion who were left disappointed, and without any points. I moaned explicitly about the pitch as we left the away end to find some chips en route to the car. Someone kindly reminded me that we used to serve up pitches like that only three seasons ago at the Withers. I kept my mouth shut from then on. What a stadium and pitch snob I’ve become in such a short time! (Sean Bence)
I’ve got a headache and I feel a bit sick. It is raining and windy and cold, what am I doing at a football match right now? New Year’s day football is always a bit of a trial, but I wouldn’t miss it for anything. The main talking point from this match is of course the ludicrous penalty given against Calderon. He clearly won the ball, the lino even gave a corner then suspiciously hid his flag once he saw the referee’s decision. Bournemouth at home and a refereeing and linesman cock up all seemed strangely reminiscent of a game at Withdean when the officials teamed up to deny Albion. Bar this incident, Albion were on top throughout, hitting the post through a Crofts piledriver before Bournemouth unjustly took the lead. Two glorious chances for Ulloa in the first half where he really should have scored and a LuaLua thunder bolt came close. Chances were harder to come by in the second half until the introduction of Kemy and Barnes, though LuaLua had hit the post with another long range effort beforehand. The two substitutes combined for a glorious opportunity for Barnes, who somehow headed it straight at Bournemouth’s ‘keeper and man of the match Camp. Just when it looked like we were not going to get back on terms an almighty goalmouth scramble featured shots from El-Abd, Orlandi and Barnes, a clear handball by a Bournemouth defender, a foul on the edge of the box and two superb crosses from Agustien that was eventually headed home by Ward via a Bournemouth head. With two minutes to go that looked like that, but we really should have taken all three points after chances for Agustien and two for Barnes including a header against the bar. Hangovers were all forgotten by the end of this most entertaining game. (Pantani’s Ghost)
Haywards Heath Ledger Amex apathy is still a phrase purely made up to fill this article header, but that many seats can be daunting, no matter how good our efforts to fill them @HHLedger
M
e: “Do you want to come to the football with me on Saturday” Mrs. L: “Umm, no”
“Well you know you’ve never come because it’s normally so expensive? I thought you might want to come and see a game - it’s only a tenner this week” “Nah, no thanks” “What puts you off?” “Dunno, is it safe?” “Err, yes, of course” “But it’s like a homosocial space isn’t it? You all take your tops off and talk about man things.” “There are lots of women there” “Yeah, but I’d just be an intruder wouldn’t I? Watching from the outside. Like the David Attenborough of 21st century football” So, in the end, Mrs Haywards Heath Ledger didn’t make it to the Reading FA Cup game. I did however persuade 3 other friends to make their first trips to the Theatre of Padded Seats. Now that we have a fully built Amex, and there’s just the faintest sense that
the initial wave of Albion-mania in the local community is starting to wane the club is going to have more and more seats to fill. A miserable Saturday this January represented the first chance you’ve had to get those people who’ve always talked about wanting to get to a game but never quite managed it to get down at a casual-fan-friendly price, and what’s more, for a proper 3pm kick off, in a proper competition, in time-honoured proper-pissing-football weather. I think everyone was impressed by the experience – though particularly the opportunity to go to the pub in Lewes beforehand it must be said. There was a palpable sense of disappointment after I replied when they asked if we had our best team out. “Who’s that bloke you signed from Spain who scores all the goals?” “Yeah he’s on the bench”. “Oh right, what about the one with the long hair who cost a few million?” “Injured”. I counted one player (Gordon Greer) in our starting lineup who’d make the first choice XI with everyone fit, but Reading made us look like world beaters, so in the end I don‘t think anyone really minded. I don’t know whether any of them will come back but I at least feel like I’ve done my bit now. And who knows. Perhaps one day one of them will fancy watching a game on a rainy Saturday afternoon, and they’ll know where to go. TSLR
New Years’ Honours It’s not only the barber of the PM that gets an honour, you know @bjafconlyathome
N
ew Year is the traditional time for the Queen to hand out honours to the subjects who have given the most to their country. Well, I’m not a queen, despite what those nasty Reading fans said on the way back to the station, but I do feel, having sent people up since August, that I should give something back to the deserving. So without further ado here’s the Brighton But Only At Home New Year’s Honours List in conjunction with TSLR. Hint one; you might not have heard of all these honours before. Hint two; Ryan Harley probably won’t be getting one.
Inigo Calderon – O.B.E. (Order of the Brighton Everyman). A genuine one this. Calde will never be able to get to meet the Queen to pick up a real honour, given his Basque birthplace, but boy does he deserve it. There probably isn’t a TSLR reader out there who doesn’t realise why but, just in case, we are talking an unselfish team player and a man who dedicates a great deal of time to charity off the field. Anyone who’s met him says what a lovely feller he is. Thanks Calde. Don’t go changing. Oscar Garcia – C.B.E. (Coaching Brighton Excellently). A fine start by the well dressed Catalan. Managing an injury crisis excellently, bringing along the youngsters in just the right way and getting the very best out of Barnes and Crofts, both much derided under Poyet. The team currently lie one place and no points outside the playoffs and are starting to play that quick touch passing football I was hoping for. Sir Paul Barber – because that’s what he makes everyone call him. Actually, it’s been a good
end of year for a man I have perhaps over lampooned. The tendency to mention FFP every five minutes may be annoying but the club have been open and responsive with the fans. There’s the family bar, museum and the excellent pricing of the Reading game. I may yet run out of writing material on this one. Ashley Barnes – M.B.E. (Missed But Excellent). Our Ash continues to confound. Has spent most of the season leading the line. Has taken kick after kick, and snide pull after snide pull without retaliation, which is what the defenders are after. Gives the proverbial 110% and has scored 6 this season including the best so far at Bournemouth (and yes, for me it was better than JFC’s at Doncaster). Yet has the infuriating ability to miss from close in. More sinned against than sinning though and rapidly becoming one of my favourite players. Stephen Dobbie – W.L.A.F (Waste of a Light Aircraft Flight). Should just have gone to Blackpool in the first place. Didn’t even manage to do a double agent job at Palace. Rohan Ince – Order of the Brick Wall. Because he can break through them at will. With his little finger. Gus Poyet – Order of the Roof. Because it will give him something to hit when Sunderland lose. Again. TSLR
“Hostility was the word, not just from the home fans but from absolutely everyone associated with the Club from Chairman to ballboys. For us, it was very much a case of get in, watch the game, and get out again as quickly as possible� Page 8
gus kapital
We have to look a long way back to find a suitable social and economic model to make sense of 2013 as an Albion fan
W
ell what have we learnt in 2013? Since the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 the Marxist notion of historical determinism has been well and truly laid to rest. The same can be said for football. Running out against your bitterest rivals for a sell-out out at a state of the art new stadium and as the bookies favourites does not make the result a foregone conclusion. Pre-match arias and flappy paper fans are best left for the post promotion party. And the less said about crapping-on-thefloor-gate the better. The deadline for this issue is the day before Liam’s much predicted ‘big’ money move to the north east, that great centre of learning and culture. Oscar has certainly forged a decent outfit without looking a shoe in for an automatic spot. Whatever you may think of Gus he is looking a reasonable bet to avoid being kicked out of the big boys club as well as having a crack at some silverware. Dialectical materialism, that other great fixture of Marxist philosophy, has as its first aspect the unity and conflict of opposites. By stretching a misspent education to breaking point I can confidently predict that by the time you read this the Albion will be short one top quality holding midfield playmaker and a rather sorry £2 or £3m better off. The second aspect is quantitative changes result in qualitative changes. A beautiful new start at the Falmex inevitably necessitated the ejection of Russell Slade’s bottom tier defying squad. God bless Andrew Whing, Albion’s player of the season 2008–
09, tough in the tackle but hardly a candidate for the new breed of tippy-tappy football by which the team subsequently ran away with the Third Division (League One to our younger readers). Finally we come to the third aspect, the negation of the negation. In its basest form this article of Marxist faith predicts that when you get to the next level things inevitably fuck up. Capitalism, supersedes the essentially agricultural feudalism just as the Albion have escaped the agricultural football of the lower divisions. However in Marx’s view, capitalism is inherently unstable as quite probably are the expectations surrounding 25,000 Brighton supporters. Hardened Marxists are lighter on the ground than in my youth but we neglect the wisdom and experience of the past at our peril. I can only direct my fellow supporters, from hardened Goldstone regulars to those who never quite managed a Withdean visit, to arrive early and visit the Albion museum to keep their feet rooted on terra firma. TSLR
@Bitter_nTwisted
A NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM
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ast month the excellent Brighton and Hove Albion Collectors and Historians Society (BHACHS) invited TSLR to the opening of the new Albion museum on a rainy evening at the back of Dick’s Bar. We were treated to mince pies, Albion royalty, mulled wine, a couple of speeches, and a misty eyed trip down the old Goldstone Lane. Uncle Tony gave a speech welcoming ‘distinguished guests’ (and us, presumably) whilst offering an unlikely comparison - somehow linking the struggle for an Albion museum with that of the struggles of Mahatma Gandhi. I think TB was referring to the wider Albion struggle for a stadium, which is much more like Gandhi’s struggle for an independent India, right? But it suited the moment and, in that instance, I bought whatever Mr Bloom was selling, and I saw perhaps for the first time some of the charm that has helped him become so rich. TB praised curator Tim Carder, who also gave a speech (and who by putting the museum together is, in my opinion, allowed to compare himself with Gandhi). During the ribbon cutting, TB looked slightly demonic standing so close to Dick Knight with a pair of scissors. The showpiece area of the place
is situated in the middle and effectively features three major works of art. Replica (and immensely calculated) miniature models of the Goldstone and Withdean are triangulated by an actual working turnstile - taken from the West Stand side of the Goldstone. The turnstile looks a picture of historical splendour, and far more majestic than it would have done during its dying days in the old ground. You can feel its historical importance and, for the first time in over 16 years, it looks at home. It is at home (though we can’t use it downstairs, it hasn’t got a fancy barcode reader). There’s actual art too, famous players, old football shirts, a bit about programmes and fanzines (where somehow TSLR got used on a seemingly permanent display board), a few old medals plus interactivity for the kids who hate books. The toys include a video room where, I must confess, I did get distracted for far too long by a video of former Albion players offering their hind-sighted insight from our sacrifice in that piss pot trophy semi-final defeat at Luton. I don’t even need a museum for that pain, I still feel it! There’s another exhibit containing almost all the official Albion merchandise tat that exists in all of our lives, some-
how made less tacky by the romanticism of time. I can only think that the duvet cover, circa 1992, was frozen to preserve its printed on white Albion logo on its slightly incorrectly blue single cover (mine was but a mess in the summer of 1995). Another nice little touch is a series of Albion songs - past and present - that are featured as part of the ceiling in the section leading towards the turnstile. It includes ‘oh Lord, PC Beard’ - a hymn of sorts that accompanied my early existence in the North Stand, something that was fast becoming simply a figment of my imagination. Preserving the history of the club is important and thanks to Carder we know more about this football club than ever before. So how do you condense 113odd years of history into one museum? You can’t get every wonderful Albion story in there, but you can get a real sense of the club, and that is what they have done. Partly, this is due to the distinct lack of trophies. Were the rumours of Bill Archer and David Bellotti melting down our Sussex Senior Cups for cash true? Surely there’s a Jewish Chronicle Cup from the early 1980s somewhere? And what about those four trophies over the last 12 years? Did bloody Poyet take them? Did Gus say
he’d won them? I take it that means that the Charity Shield from the 1900s is not making a reappearance any time soon. There are some winning medals, and international caps but the museum is missing a centre piece trophy. It could do with a 1926 FA Cup trophy - the finest piece of silverware I have ever seen - but we didn’t win that one, I don’t think. And therein the museum typifies the Albion perfectly: a lot of wonderful memories, but not enough trophies. Can you ever have enough trophies? I suppose not. Ultimately, what goes in the museum doesn’t really matter. What the Albion means to you is all that matters. This new museum is there to whet the appetite, to give the next generation of Albion kids the chance to be inspired at the end of a Falmer tour. A chance that we never had, and a chance the next generation always tends to throw back in their elders faces. But at least we tried, and we even gave them a quiz machine. Well, BHACHS did. And we’re pleased they did. TSLR
@Swiftenberg
Carter On ... FA Cup Supplements As Albion open a museum, Carter looks back on real treasure @CarterBrighton
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riends and family look on admiringly as I dissect the yellowing pages of the Evening Argus FA Cup Final supplement. Turning pages, looking from different angles, obscuring parts with my hands and gently folding. ‘He must be a really dedicated and knowledgeable Albion historian’ they’re thinking; little do they know that I’m just looking for concealed genitals in the adverts. With an attention to detail worthy of referee Simon Hooper, I wanted to prove my theory that there’s something subliminal going on with this publication. Having already read player profiles and interviews in-depth and marvelled at Mike Bamber’s plans for a super domed stadium at Waterhall, I turned my attention to the many and varied adverts from companies flocking to show their support for the Seagulls. Some local businesses seemingly just ran normal adverts, displaying as much creativity as Mark McCammon. Some safely opted for ‘good luck Seagulls’ or similar messages. Other companies perhaps didn’t think things through: ‘Look out for our camping exhibition on your way to Wembley’ request Johns Camping International. I’m not sure a detour to visit the exhibition on the A23 near Sayers Common would have formed part of many Albion fans’ trips to the Final. I might be wrong though; plenty of people I’ve spoken to who went to the game recall feeling tents beforehand. Then there are the ads that spice things up a little. Spud U Like offered a ‘sau-
sage stuffed potato’ – ‘goes down great on the terraces’ and Lumley & Hunt, DIY centres in Hove and Bognor, promote a ladder known as a ‘Youngman 3 way’. If you ask me, J. Parsons & Sons, Marquee hirers, missed a trick with their small ad beneath the article on some of the Albion players’ wives by not elaborating on their erections. Growing up in a Brighton pub was full of odd experiences, such as witnessing Stuart Storer doing a karaoke duet with my Mum and spotting Steve Foster sitting reading a paper (okay that’s not that odd, but it was for me at the time). One afternoon (c.1995), I walked past a group of blokes chuckling in the corner. I just assumed that they’d clocked me and were laughing at my ginger hair as normal. But, they invited me over and showed me what they were laughing at. It was an advert for a flooring company ripped from a yellow telephone directory, perhaps the Yellow Pages. ‘Laid by the best’ was the headline, accompanied by a picture of a lady holding a champagne flute. If you turned this upside down and cropped it halfway with your hand, it apparently revealed a naked lady’s lower half with a hand touching a sensitive area. It was only several years later that I realised this was the notorious doing of a Brighton based company, DJ Flooring. So, have I found anything of note hidden within the hand-drawn images of men in Italian slacks, sofas or Fiat Stradas in the ‘Dream Final’ Argus supplement? No. I haven’t. TSLR
“Ultimately, what goes in the museum doesn’t really matter. What the Albion means to you is all that matters. This new museum is there to whet the appetite, ” Page 29
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