The Edge February 2015

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 220

www.theedgemag.co.uk

‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

Telephone 01245 348256

Mobile: 077 646 797 44

FEBRUARY 2015

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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GUILTY PLEASURE Your editor’s guilty pleasure of the moment is most definitely Cairnsworths at Little Waltham.

Oh, I absolutely adore it in there.

CUCUMBER If you inadvertently dropped a cucumber as you were pushing your trolley back to your car in Sainsbury’s car-park circa 4:00pm on Saturday 10th January, then thank you, I picked it up.

DOG EGG

The Edge Editor’s Column WOMEN DRIVERS I’ve just seen a woman trying to get out of the end of the road near to where I live. I felt like winding my car window down (even though they’re fully automatic, of course) and shouting, “It might help if you actually pulled up to the broken white lines, love (see, it’s the ‘love’ bit that really winds ’em up), for she was fully 15ft away.

Now this is the thing and this is a fact; you would never ever see a man in such a position.

I don’t give a hoot about sexism, because this isn’t it. It’s just a plain damn fact that people ought to recognise that men and women are different.

One sex is not better than the other, we’re just not quite the same, and it’s both tiresome and pathetic when people keep on churning out the old sexist jibes if you ever dare to make a point about how the sexes can noticeably differ.

Women are far more, shall we say, careful drivers than men. But then what’s careful about not fully pulling up to some Give Way markings and offering yourself a better view of oncoming traffic?

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An attractive lady had her lurcher on a leash and was stood back, fumbling in her pocket for a plastic poo bag, whilst her mutt was on the grass verge, close to the road, with its back legs concertina’d up in that truly undignified stance that dogs take whilst they’re having a shit, and I just thought: ‘No, no, no....this cannot be right.’

I don’t know what the answer is, but that poor lady. It’s like, you don’t expect a catwalk model (not that the woman in question was that dramatically beautiful, but like I say, she did look attractive) to be doing that sort of thing, do you?

Then my mind started to wander (like it has a tendency to) and I wondered what if it had been her that was dropping an egg onto the grass verge, with all the traffic driving past but a couple of metres away, whilst her lurcher was holding the leash and trying not to look too embarrassed?

(You’ve truly got to consider these things, readers, as you never know, one day it could happen.)

FACECOCK I honestly don’t understand Facecock, but every now and again I’ll ‘post’ something, pretty much because more than a few people have told me: “Oh, but you must.” One recent post I did (on Woodley’s Pizza - see page 6 this edition) apparently went viral, whatever the hell that means.

“More shares means more eyes,” I’ve been told,

“and potentially more fans” (of the mag, I suppose they mean?). “Allegedly Facecock is then more likely to send your content out into the newsfeed of your fans far more often,” although that last remark is just plain Double-Dutch to me.

My Woodley's Pizza post was shared/liked/commented on by over 3,500 wotsits, which is about 3,250 more than I normally manage.

According to Social Marketers: ‘Your message has to do one thing: evoke strong emotion.’

Apparently the key word in that short sentence is the word ‘strong’, for if someone lightly laughs at something, or is only slightly inspired, they’re hardly likely to jump on the ‘share’ button.

No, to do that, what one posts seemingly has to be at the ‘awesome’ level. Awesomely funny, awesomely upsetting, awesomely uplifting, awesomely offensive, or otherwise.

Whatever the emotion is, it has to hit it hard.

Simples.

MIZU Somewhere else that’s as good as Woodley’s - in its own way - is Mizu, situated not far from where the A12 meets the M25 (just above the filling station that leads to/from Brentwood).

Trust me, readers, and plonk yourselves down in there and give the old 46A a go (egg noodles, stirfried with sweet chilli sauce, roast pork, chicken, carrot, cabbage, celery and spring onion).

It’s served fresh and ultra-quick, it’s cheap, and their green tea is the best I’ve ever tasted.

Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... facebook.com/theedgemagazine twitter.com/TheEdgeMag DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE The Edge, cos no bugger else does.

facecock THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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Worth Considering Tribute to Engels’ Beard Artists oop north are planning to build a 16ft structure that will stand as ‘a symbol of wisdom and learning’ based on the magnificent beard of socialist thinker Friedrich Engels, who doesn’t even sound English to The Edge, let alone as though he was born in Manchester.

So this got the mag to thinking about what moves ought to be made of similar significance in Chelmsford, and for a start, our very own answer to London’s South Molton Street (the fashionista part of Baddow Road, The Edge is on about, where many of the retailers walk as if they've got a branch of celery clamped between their buttcheeks) surely ought to be renamed Geer Street in tribute to Herr Zagger ’imself.

Then there’s the recently revamped bus station which needs a bronze statue of Chief Inspector (and that’s bus inspector, not police inspector) Cyril ‘Blakey’ Blake erecting right in its epicentre, one of the leading characters in Granada TV’s ‘On The Buses’ starring Reg Varney back in the early seventies.

And what about Melbourne Stadium? Home to Chelmsford City F.C. The name’s not really doing it for The Edge. It needs livening up a bit. So why not call it fortress Camp Melbourne, after Barcelona’s Camp Nou? Oh, and not forgetting a special mention of Billy Brady’s Braces from somewhere in Duke Street back in mid-eighties. (Can you remember?)

www.theedgemag.co.uk

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative tablet on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason >+65 race has not achieved, and never why the human will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

3. There is an exceedingly fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should never confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just get up and shake it about a bit.

7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you might even think she might be pregnant.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

10. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down, we all believe that we are decent drivers.

11. A person who is rude to the waiter is not a nice person at all.

12. Your friends love you anyway.

13. Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark, where as a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

14. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

15. That last one’s bollocks, by the way.

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Stephen Alexander Hairdressing ST. VALENTINE’S SPECIALS FOR FEBRUARY

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Unlimited Blow-Drys for only £60 FREE Blow-Dry when you spend over £50 on colours

This offer is not available in conjunction with any other offers and is available to new clients only, with selected stylists only.

St. Valentine’s Day Special 14% DISCOUNT for 1 week up to February 14th STEPHEN ALEXANDER HAIR SALON 203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 9PF. TEL: 01245 494194 www.stephenalexander.co.uk EMAIL: sayhair@sayhair.co.uk

“WHAT A GREAT IDEA!” Welcome to Laura & Adrian Woodley of Woodley’s Pizza, readers - a mobile wood fired pizza trailer (formerly a horse-box, no less) based in Chelmsford.

“We’re a true husband and wife team,” says Laura. “I make the pizzas and he looks after the fire!”

The Woodley’s have only been making their tasty, wood fired pizza since early July 2014 when they launched at Walthamstock, their lovely local music festival, followed by a very successful day spent pizza making whilst the Tour de France shot through Chelmsford.

“Since then we’ve been busy popping up here, there, and wherever our horse-box has taken us,” admits Laura, “including numerous events, weddings and a few private parties.”

2015 look sets to be an exciting year for Woodley’s Pizza with many weddings already booked, together with lots of pop-up take-away evenings, so do keep track of their progress on both Twatter and Facecock, readers, for further details of where they’ll next be hanging out. www.facebook.com/woodleyspizza

www.twitter.com/woodleyspizza

“Having been in the food industry for half my life and always having longed to set up something of my very own, yet sadly never having sufficient funds, when the whole street food thing started to become incredibly popular, I figured it was now or never,” admits Laura. “Thanks to my oh so clever husband, who was able to convert a horse box, together with our massive love of pizza, a plan most definitely started to come together, as they say.”

“We spent months searching on the internet, looking for just the right vehicle,” chips in Adrian (yes, do let him get a word in edgeways, Laura) and eventually came across an orange 1960s rice horse-box, which was perfect. If it could hold two horses, I figured it would hold a wood fired pizza oven and me and the missus to boot!”

Months of stripping, sanding, spraying and building so far as the husband was concerned then followed, whilst the wife got stuck into perfecting her dough, sauces and pizza toppings, until finally Woodley’s Pizzas was unveiled.

“All our flour is from Marriages,” says Laura, “and we try to source all of our other ingredients as locally as possible. Our pizzas cook at temperatures of 450c and are ready to eat in just ninety seconds. Literally everything we serve (other than canned drinks) is all home-made.”

So readers, if you’re planning on having a party, a wedding, or any sort of an event in Essex in 2015 and you fancy something a little bit different, then do get in touch: info@woodleyspizza.co.uk And also keep your eyes peeled as Woodley’s Pizzas will be firing up their oven around the Chelmsford area over the coming months, so why not stop by and sample their ‘Three Little Piggies’ which is roasted ham hock, pepperoni, spicy homemade sausage, tomato sauce and mozzarella, or their ‘Goaty’ which is beetroot, goats cheese and homemade red onion marmalade.

Upcoming dates for your diaries at Great Waltham Village Hall Car-Park 5:00pm ’til 9:00pm Friday 20th February 2015 Friday 20th March 2015

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Woodley’s also make their very own delicious desserts too, readers, including chocolate brownies and scrummy lemon cheesecake! shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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CITIZEN

This month Citizen takes its annual look at the forthcoming Oscars with, perhaps, slightly less enthusiasm than the previous two years....

The Oscar season is this column was being written), ‘American Sniper’, directupon us once again, ed by Clint Eastwood, and David Fincher's ‘Gone Girl’. although you could be The other 2 or 3 nominations will come from a host of forgiven for not having potential ‘others’, but Citizen suspects that the ones just noticed. There does not, mentioned will be the main contenders. at first glance, or even second glance, come to One film you might have thought would have been tipped that, seem to be so prior to release, ‘Mr Turner’, is not expected to feature in many great films around the Best Film category, but could deliver a winner for this year. No ‘Lincoln’.

Best Actor. In Citizen’s opinion, this was over-long, borNo ‘Argo’. No ‘Captain ing and too episodic - you could have cut up all of the Phillips’. No ‘12 Years A Slave’ or ‘Life Of Pi’. scenes in the first two thirds of the film and joined them together in a different order and no-one would have honBut that hasn’t stopped Citizen visiting the cinema on a estly known the difference. regular basis, as there has still been an impressive array of performances and a number of excellent films, even if, Citizen's favourite this year, and therefore its two hopeful perhaps, fewer of them will stand the long-term test of tips, are ‘The Imitation Game’ and ‘The Theory of time like some previous Oscar years.

Everything’, in that order. However, it expects ‘Birdman’ Citizen has been a lifelong cinema addict, possibly as to get the gong. The male stars of these two films - both a result of its paternal grandfather taking him to the of which are about epoch making British scientists - are, Embassy and Central cinemas in Braintree (now as is fitting, Brits themselves.

Wetherspoons and the Townrow department store /> = .3=:/8=/ A3>2 >2/ 9A/@/< 099>,+66 ,/381 9?< 8?7,/< 98/ 8+>398+6 =:9<> respectively) from an early age back the Benedict cryptographer ?=?+6in the /A50's */+<- </=96?

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38=>/+. + 7+49< >9?<8+7/8> .98 hounded > C9? to suicide (he week across the year, but with a 09<A+<. concentration deserves a posthumous knighthood).

Redmayne >9 A2+>of these 9< 3>3D/8 3>= 7+38 23126312> A366 ,/ 30Eddie :=A3-2 &9A8 being between October and March, in Citizens’ who, prior toA2+> his performance Professor 2+=when >9 900/< :+<>3-?6+<6C -+8 </1+38 3> ,/63/@/= >9as ,/physicist >2/3< <312>0?6 :6+-/ +> experience the bulk of the best movies are released Stephen Hawking, Citizen had thought bit>37/ lightweight, 09< -38/7+ +8. =:9<>= >2/ >9: >+,6/ 90 8163=2 =9--/< +8. +> a>2/ 90 A<3> with a few notable exceptions. It 0+8= may come as no confounds this view and in .?/ Citizen’s probably/+<6C 38 + C/+< 38 surA23-2 381 @/<C /+<6C /-/7,/< >9 +8mind /B-//.3816C prise that Citizen enjoys the use >2/ of a03<=> Cineworld deserves Oscar ahead >9 of ,/ his ,/>>/< compatriot.

2+60 3= 635/6C >9 ./+.638/ the >2/C .9 +::/+< :6+-/. >2+8 >2/ Unlimited pass, along with Mrs Citizen, which is,C excep,/ .9738+>/. :+=> 0/A =/+=98= >9 29:/0?66C +-23/@/ >23= /> = 4?=> tional value at just £16.40 a month.

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38=>+667/8>= 90 >A9 90 Contest’ >2/ ,311/=> 3=/=less 89> than >9 7/8>398 >2/7British +1+38 actors ?86/== +->?+66C (including every single nominated Timothy Spall, whose impressive grunting -38/7+ 0<+8-23=/= 90 +66Oscar >37/ category - even the more ! =/-?</ -:<979>398 90 -9?<=/ obscure that last Citizen actually 90 won! performance as Mr Turner does not quite save the film, &2/ 6+>>/<ones) 90 >2/=/ >2/ year =/@/8>2 38=>+667/8> %>+< (+<= /8>3>6/. G%>+< (+<= &2/ 9<-/ A+5/8=H .9/=8 > David Oyelowo as Dr King in ‘Selma’ and Ralph Fiennes This year it may>2well/-/7,/< be difficult to repeat that>2/ feat><+36/<= as, for for ‘The Grand Budapest Hotel’. Steve Carell, complete +::/+< ?8>36 +6>29?12 the first time since (when+8.

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2/6: 0<97 nominations that Citizen can+=only Rourke in ‘The !->9,/< =//=means >2/ :</73/</ 90 >2/ C/> comment ?88+7/. on98. Micky @/>/<+8= 90 </-/8> '%Wrestler’! "</=3./8>3+6 6/->398= &23= >37/ the 79@3/ likely contenders, the Oscar +,9?> A23-2but>2/</ A366 ,/prediction 79</ 0<97websites 3>3D/8 >2/ 3,/<+6 "+<>C 2+@381 ,//8 38 19@/<87/8> 09< >2/ are in38full flow, 3>so2+@381 here goes...

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The Edge 219_The Edge 172.qxd 16/12/2014 17:04 Page 9

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 18:58 Page 10

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THE HAIRY MONSTER CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINTED I am constantly disappointed at the level of graffiti that appears all over Chelmsford. Some of these kids can't even spell the basic expletives. I find it bloody disgraceful, the wonkers.

DEAD ON A HARLEY So some guy decided he wanted to be buried sitting astride his beloved Harley Davidson motorcycle. Now I've had several Harleys and I can honestly say that when I die, I'll be bloody glad to have seen the last of them.

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HACKED OFF A friend of mine is really hacked off with friends asking his wife if they can pat her belly when they realise she is pregnant. “After all,” he points out, “when I had diarrhoea, I don't recall anyone asking if they could poke their finger up my arse.” He’s got a point.

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 The government decrees that under 10's are immune from prosecution, so if it's true that 'life begins at forty', does that mean that people between the age of 40-49 can legitimately go on a ten-year crime spree?

STEEL-CAPPED WELLIES On his way home from work the other evening, my mate Skooby popped in to drop off a tyre for my motorbike. He said he couldn't stay cos his missus was expecting him home early, but he'd have just the one beer to be polite.

Later that evening, as we sat around the bonfire we'd built next to the pond, we made some remarkable discoveries: steel-capped wellies are not fireproof, my pond is deeper than the tops of steel-capped wellies, and steelcapped wellies are heavier when full of water. We both thought these revelations were of spectacular importance, but apparently Skooby's wife, Lea, was not so impressed when he arrived home at 1.00am. Something to do with him missing the parents' open evening at his daughter's school, I believe.

MORSE CODE I'm not saying we, as a nation, are stuck in the past, but it’s a fact that a hundred years after the last message was sent by telegraphic means (i.e.

Morse Code) we still call the utility poles that carry power and telephone cables 'Telegraph Poles'. Move on, Britain.

NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE There are very few things that I feel strongly about, but the NHS is one of them. We all know it's not perfect, but we also know how hard it strives to be. Therefore it galls me that the media thrive on its occasional failings, yet rarely acknowledge its amazing achievements. The staff, all of them (doctors, nurses, cleaners, paramedics, administrators et al) are dedicated to a common cause. In addition, there are countless volunteers who give their support free of charge, providing home transport, running blood to hospitals in the middle of the night, and a host of other vital back-up services. So next time you hear someone whingeing about having to wait three months to have their bunion removed, remind them that in the good old United States of America it is estimated that 45,000 people die each year because they can't afford private health insurance. So if you really think your local hospital is lacking in some way, don't go down to the pub and spout off about it. Volunteer to be a support worker instead.

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Inside Necker Island So what did we all think to BBC2’s documentary ‘Inside Necker Island’ - Sir Richard Branson’s 74-acre playground in the British Virgin Islands?

Just to get the price tag out of the way, so far as The Edge is aware, say 30 people hire it for a week (7 nights) to celebrate someone’s birthday, or what have you, it costs approx. £18,250 per couple/lodge including all of the food and champers (Necker Water) you can, well, neck.

However, The Edge didn’t quite get the impression that it was booked up 52 weeks of the year with private parties, where everyone knows everyone else. So, the question begs, what about if you’ve spent your £18k-£20k on the ‘holiday of a lifetime’ (because to some people it undoubtedly would be), yet a good proportion of the other guests end up getting on your tits, which realistically could just happen, because having money doesn’t automatically mean being in possession of good manners.

The Edge honestly doesn’t know what to make of it all, for it is fully expecting to be on a ‘downer’ once it returns from India....but if it could afford to spend twenty bags on a week away at Necker, then by Christ it’d probably top itself on its return to bloody Chelmsford.

Speaking of which, come on, readers, own up....surely someone living in Chelmo or its environs must have actually holidayed on Necker?

So what the ’eck was it like?

Please write in and tell all (and be assured of anonymity if you want it).

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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BEER REVIEW CHELMSFORD WINTER BEER FESTIVAL 16TH CHELMSFORD WINTER BEER & CIDER FESTIVAL 18-21 February 2015 Central location five minutes walk from Bus and Train Stations King Edward VI Grammar School (KEGS), Broomfield Road, CM1 3SX

200 REAL ALES, OVER 50 CIDERS & PERRIES

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Our Sponsors Bishop Nick Brewery Round Tower Brewery www.bishopnick.com www.roundtowerbrewery.co.uk Essex Cider Shop www.theessexcidershop.co.uk Felstar Brewery www.felstarbrewery.co.uk

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Non-members admission: Wed Free entry Thu - Sat Free entry before 6pm.

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February 3pm - 11pm February 12 noon - 11pm February 12 noon - 11pm February 12 noon - 11pm

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A WIDE SELECTION OF INTERNATIONAL BEERS & LOCAL WINES HOT & COLD FOOD AVAILABLE ALL SESSIONS

Our very popular Winter Beer & Cider Festival will shortly be upon us once again, offering over 200 real ales, many of which are of the stronger, darker, winter ale variety, writes Patrick Hudson. Naturally we also have ciders and perries, along with numerous international beers and local Essex wines. The full list is available on our website.

Hot food is also available at all sessions, kind courtesy of Tim and his amazing Hopleaf team, featuring burgers, hot dogs, chips and their homemade chillies and curries, not to mention a mean chilli sauce!

We are eternally grateful for our sponsors, without whom we would have a much more difficult task setting up and running our festivals.

Our other sponsors are local breweries in the Chelmsford Area: Bishop Nick, Felstar, Round Tower and Witham (along with The Essex Cider Shop in Moulsham Street).

The Festival is staffed by CAMRA members who are all volunteers who give up their time to build, run and

take down the festival, just for the sheer fun of it.

Opening times are Wednesday 18th February 3pm to 11pm, Thursday 19th to Saturday 21st February 12-noon to 11pm.

Admission is FREE to Card Carrying CAMRA Members, and also FREE to non-members all day on the Wednesday and up until 6pm on the Thursday. After 6pm on Thursday, Friday and Saturday there will be an entry fee of just £3.

Our website is updated regularly, so please log-on regularly for all the latest information. www.chelmsfordbeerandciderfestivals.org.uk

ALL TIED UP Proposed reforms to the tied house system seem destined, despite government opposition, to become law soon, writes David Sherman.

So what does this mean for the ordinary drinker and pub-goer?

Most pubs in England are tied; that is, they are owned by breweries or pub companies and run by either a salaried manager or a rent-paying tenant.

In either case, he/she is told what he/she can or can’t order, at least for the bulk of his wet trade. Managers simply get supplied by the company, whereas tenants have to order through the brewery or pubco, paying more than the market rate. In return for this, the company undertakes to provide various kinds of support for the tenant, such as maintenance, decoration and cellar services, which an owner-occupier would have to fund himself.

In the 1980s, the government attempted to rein-in the worst excesses of breweries with a raft of measures known as ‘The Beer Orders’. However, these applied only to breweries, resulting in massive divestment of pubs to non-brewing companies which were then able to act in much the same way that the government had tried to outlaw. Most worrying of these were restrictive beer ties that allowed only a handful of products that the customers may or may not want to drink, and excessive rents and prices that left thousands of landlords unable to turn a profit. As the companies no longer had brewing interests, it mattered little to them whether the pubs survived or not - they were merely ‘property’ that could easily be sold off for a quick buck, usually as private houses.

The purpose of the new raft of legislation is to redress this balance more effectively. Although the beer tie will remain, tenants for large companies will be able to decide where they source their products, thus bypassing excess prices charged by some companies. There is also a provision to prevent the difference being made up by increasing the rent, as this will be subject to review against the general market. Tenants will be able to opt for a higher rent, as the market justifies, in return for ditching their beer tie altogether.

While this doesn’t mean the end of the beer tie as we know it, which would impact disastrously on family brewers, it may perhaps mean the end of property companies masquerading as pub companies in order to strip vital assets out of local communities.

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FANTASTIC HELMETS I was browsing on-line for a new helmet for me to wear on me scooter when I came across these beauties. Don’t they look fantastic?

Of course, I’m not going to buy one as (a) I’m far too old (b) I think you need to have a super-quick bike to get away with wearing one of these, as well as being a supremely proficient rider (c) they’re a few hundred quid. But I have to say, I think they look absolutely awesome.

Fact is though, I’ve never wanted to go quick on 2-wheels. To be honest, the maximum I’ve ever ridden is just over 70mph.

But I did I once ride pillion behind someone on a 1100cc Kawasaki on the back road from Hatfield Peverel down to Heybridge Basin one summer. I was wearing just a t-shirt and a pair of cut-offs and the rider got up to 110mph, when I truly didn’t want him to. I was literally crapping myself and all I could think about was coming off and the state I’d be in.

So far as I’m concerned, it really doesn’t need to be all about the speed.

When you tell people you’ve got a scooter, they seem to immediately understand that, but also expect you to have a Vespa or a ‘MTS’ (mod type scooter). But mine’s a 400cc Yamaha X-Max which kind of looks more like a small motorbike than ever it does a scooter. It’s just super-handy for nipping about on though, and with Chelmsford getting more and more congested, The Edge thinks that two-wheels are quickly going to become a necessity if you want to get between A and B in any sort of reasonable time.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Loch Fyne Chelmsford 109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford Essex, CM1 1GD Tel: 01245 293 620 www.lochfyneseafoodandgrill.co.uk

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With the overwhelming majority of companies in the UK being ‘small or medium sized enterprises’, the way we work in this country is changing rapidly.

Businesses no longer have to take a 10-year lease on more office space than they need, just to make sure they have enough room for their staff as their company grows. Offices are now far more flexible, more efficient, and more cost effective than ever before. They are also closer to where their employees live. They share both resources and costs.

A company that is helping new businesses to work in this way is Mantle Business Centres.

Adding to their group of business centres (in Stansted, Cambridge, and Duxford as of Autumn 2015), they have recently opened Elizabeth House Business Centre in the very heart of Chelmsford.

The building, on Baddow Road opposite the Meadows multi-storey car park, has been completely refurbished and alongside the new, modern furnished offices, a large bright reception area has been created to offer the perfect first impression.

Elizabeth House caters for companies of all sizes. For those just starting out, but looking for a professional image, the centre offers a ‘Virtual Office’ service which involves answering calls in the company name, and both receiving and forwarding post.

For businesses that need physical office space, Elizabeth House offers a variety of flexible options; from daily hot desks and ‘Pay As You Go’ private office space, right through to large, full time, fully serviced offices. What’s more, everything is included in the price, from furniture, ’phones and broadband, right down to the refreshments in the kitchen.

They also have great meeting room space, perfect for both their tenants and external clients, which are suitable for training sessions, board meetings etc., with parking opposite the building, which is just a ten minute walk to/from Chelmsford train station.

Laura Haiselden, Centre Manager at Elizabeth House, says: “We are extremely proud of our business centre and believe that our facilities and customer service are second to none. So if your company is looking for a change, please give us a call or pop in to have a look around.”

Call 01245 206700 or visit www.elizabethhouse.co.uk for more information about the centre.

+RPH EX\HUV GRQ¶W WDNH WKH ZHHNHQG RII 1HLWKHU GR ZH :K\ XVH 7KH +RPH 3DUWQHUVKLS" :RUNLQJ GD\V D ZHHN LV MXVW RQH DVSHFW RI ZKDW ZH GR St.Thomas Gate, St. Thomas Road BRENTWOOD Essex CM14 4DB Tel: 01277 218821 brentwood@thehomepartnership.co.uk

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Residential Sales, Lettings & Property Management Page 14

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the perfect sunday lunch 3-courses £23.50

Taking The Edge on holiday The Edge is always chuffed to bits that some of you readers take a copy on holiday with you - and not just to read on the ’plane, but you often go out of your way to include the mag in some of your holiday snaps (even though we both know your ulterior motive is to get your sweet ass/face in the following months editions, but hey, there’s nowt wrong with that).

However, I want a bit more from you this year. You see, it’s not enough to simply hold a copy of The Edge, face-front into camera, like you might a giant hotdog if you were in an all-American theme park. No, subtlety is the key (waddayamean since when has The Edge ever been subtle?).

Take this Toulouse cafe scene (above). If you were there, the trick would be to have your photo taken whilst sipping your morning coffee with a copy of the mag discreetly on the table next to you, along with a copy of La Monde.

Do you see where The Edge is coming from?

Naturally it’s still absolutely fine to get some unsuspecting indigenous local person to pretend they’re actually reading a copy of The Edge whilst on your foreign travels, because at the end of the day - and not dissimilar to the sound of a partially strangled fart - such will always have merit.

But go for the unusual and the unexpected, yeah? Like the time when someone actually captured a photograph of themselves pretending to read a copy of The Edge under the ocean waves (and though naturally saturated, didn’t The Edge hold its pages together particularly well, such is the quality of its paper).

So let’s be receiving some of your efforts and I’ll try and capture a few examples of exactly where I’m coming from whilst I am out in India, hopefully for reproduction in the forthcoming March editions.

Email your efforts to holidaysnaps@theedge.co.uk

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The wonderful Scott Arms in Kingston A brisk walk in the wind is always a good idea in the New Year in order to help blow the cobwebs out, particularly if you’ve got some stunning Dorset countryside to look at, followed by scampi & chips and a fair few pints of Flashman’s Clout at the Scott Arms at the top of the hill in Kingston, which boasts some quite sensational views of Corfe Castle from it’s wonderful beer garden. Bit too bloody cold to be perishing your arse off outside this time of year though, so fortunately we managed to bag a table right by one of their open fires and what a lovely way it is to spend a winter’s Saturday afternoon.

Our ladies were more than happy too as we constantly replenished their glass tumblers with hot mulled cider and for a few moments in the grand old scheme of things, we really did get the feeling that all was truly well with the world.

This is a gastro pub that is also highly rated by none other than The Times newspaper who featured it in their ‘25 Best Country Pubs for Food’ in 2014.

Oh, and if you’re visiting in the summer months, do look out for their Jerk Shak barbeque in the garden to the rear, whilst a little bird tells The Edge that Nikki (who created it) has also been featured on the tele! www.scottarms.com

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TAKING ESSEX BY STORM

It seems that Chelmsford is slowly starting to go up in the world and is eventually getting the type of services and amenities it truly deserves.

was previously perhaps a little tired, cold and uninviting, we’ve....well, you really need to come and see the difference for yourselves.”

Look no further for evidence of this than the recent emergence of The Blue Group, and so far as our city centre is concerned, The Riverside that now sits proudly on Victoria Road.

The Riverside is a beautifully restored 17th century mill that sits beside the River Chelmer with an unrivaled summer beer garden. It also boasts 5 stunningly individual bedrooms, all containing beams, beams, and yet more original beams and old mill features.

The Edge’s jaw literally hit the floor when it first stepped over the threshold. There are bodgejobs and make-overs, but what you will now see is a total redevelopment that has been executed with the utmost care and attention to detail.

maze of stairways and corridors - it really is a bit of a labyrinth behind the scenes - yet the plus point for diners since its redevelopment is that whichever floor you are situated (and the glasstopped table on the first floor is without question The Edge’s favourite, although you really need to be a party of 8 to reserve it), you are served from a dedicated kitchen on the very same level.

“We’re really pleased with our open kitchen on the ground floor,” continues Steve, whilst The Riverside are also proud to introduce the experienced and forever smiling John Sisto as executive chef, who will no doubt be familiar to many a local diner in these parts.

“We like to think we’ve given this place the love and attention it deserved,” says Steve. “Where it

Also in The Blue Group is The Blue Bridge at Writtle, The William B at Hatfield Peverel, The Blue Anchor at Feering, and The Blue Boar in Market Place, Abridge.

But it is the restaurant, set on two floors, that most attracts the eye, as it has been made so refined, yet cosy, with the unmistakable Blue Group signature: a huge vase of flowers!

So is there any stopping this young, vibrant company from taking Essex by storm?

The Edge was lucky enough to bend the ear of Operations Director Steve Perry as he took us on an impromptu tour of what seemed to be a

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The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 19:07 Page 18

CHELMSFORD UNDER SIEGE? Eagle-eyed residents may have spotted Apache Helicopters occasionally flying over Chelmsford, but contrary to popular belief, they are not protecting us from the Basildon Taliban. They are, more than likely, probably doing some top secret avionic testing for E2V. However, Chelmsford certainly is under siege.... under siege from the motor car and the internal combustion engine.

Anyone who has experienced Parkway towards the Army & Navy, Waterhouse Lane, and other end-to-end car-parks masquerading as roads, knows only too well that the centre of Chelmsford is fast becoming the centre of burden gridlock in Essex. Throw in a problem on the A12 into the mix, causing everyone to divert through town on the old roads, and it quickly becomes complete and utter chaos.

by ‘Conscious of Chelmsford’

park-and-ride, or perhaps get onto a bus to go shopping in the all new John Lewis and Waitrose stores?

The facts are plain. Whilst our council have to be applauded over the years for protecting our town centre by resisting numerous out-of-town shopping parks and developments, and instead have invested in successful park-and-ride schemes, they have clearly not factored in the seeming growth of people who will very presently be living in Chelmsford.

We are now apparently also the number one employment hot-spot in the county with over 90,000 people working in our city centre.

So the equation is more people + more jobs + more development = more cars, which will certainly lead to yet more traffic.

traffic, the all new one-way system starting from the Meadows roundabout; over the bridge, up the bottom of Springfield Road, turning left into Victoria Road, then straight on across New Street,, up Victoria Road and past the train station, down past the back of County Hall (not Duke Street) to re-join Parkway by the multi-storey roundabout? It could be one way dual carriageway all the way around.

I don’t doubt it will cause many huge inconveniences and may not solve our traffic problems entirely, but if anyone else has a better solution, then answers on a post card please, to Chelmsford City Council or this very organ.

Chelmsford is currently under siege from the motor car and something has to be done, but are our Council up for making some very tough calls?

So what is to be done?

The next imminent factor is the bridge rebuilding works heading north from the Army & Navy. It hasn’t started yet, but you just know it is not going to be built in a matter of days. Then there will be the long promised two-way-bridge over the Army & Navy. It will be great once it’s in situ, but sheer agony during the endless months of construction.

And don’t forget to factor in all of the new housing currently being built in and around Chelmsford and surely we can all see where this is all heading. Will those yummy-mummies in their big 4x4s that move into Beaulieu Park II venture to the

One Way System?

I have lived in Chelmsford for almost 30 years, and whisper this very quietly, but is it not time for a ‘one way system’?

Yes, the favourite scheme and problem-solver of 1960s and 70s town planners could really be the solution. But would such a system genuinely work?

Here’s my idea. Parkway to be left as two-way

ing conditions, and I cannot understand how anybody could possibly go over the bridge when they’re clearly not supposed to. Then I cast my mind back to some things I have witnessed on our roads and the sad realisation suddenly sinks in. I mean, how could we possibly expect our fellow drivers to notice a couple of huge 20 foot, flashing NO ENTRY signs when they’re engrossed in other important tasks, such as texting at the wheel, reading a newspaper, applying make-up, or feeding their kids Wotsits whilst singing songs from Frozen at the tops of their voices.

Billy Hinken I don't know whether it’s been the dark, cold winter months, or whether I’m just turning into a miserable sod as I get older, but absolutely everything has been irritating me of late. However, the sad truth of the matter is that at the root of all my disgruntlement is the ignorance and stupidity of a large proportion of my fellow human beings, and I cannot help but wonder whether we, as a species, have reached our intellectual peak and are slowly regressing back to being simian-like creatures (and some clearly at a faster rate than others…).

For the most part I try to keep things in perspective, but it’s difficult when every other local news article you read seems to relate to someone driving over the Army & Navy flyover the wrong way.

Seriously, how does that happen? I have driven along that particular stretch of road hundreds, possibly thousands, of times and in all manner of different drivPage 18

The other day, one total imbecile in Sainsbury’s car-park came hurtling around the corner at at least 45mph, nearly wiping out a whole family before screeching to a halt but 2 inches away from the side of my car. Fuming, I asked him what the bloody hell he was playing at and proceeded to explain to him how he could have killed someone.

Incredibly, and to my total bewilderment, he tried to blame me for his own stupidly by saying that I “hadn't pulled out quick enough”. At this point I couldn’t help but think to myself that the world would surely be a better place if his Dad had done exactly that about 30 years ago.

Honestly, I don't know what has happened to people’s roadsense. I know there has been a lot of immigration in the UK of late, but does that automatically mean we have to have driving standards comparable to Kazakhstan?

I know that it’s probably politically incorrect to blame our decreasing driving standards on asylum seekers, but what has become apparent is that we now

live in a society where we are unable to accept collective responsibility and admit that we have allowed things to become a bit shit, so instead look to blame foreigners for all of our modern day woes.

I certainly don’t want to stir up a hornet’s nest of political debate, but personally, I think we could actually do with allowing a few more immigrants into the UK to help us to bump up our nations average IQ levels. Let’s be honest about it, you cannot help but admire an Eastern European supermarket worker who comes over to England and within two weeks can ‘do your job better than you can’ and for half the pay. I also bet he or she wouldn't have any difficulty whatsoever in navigating the A&N flyover in the correct direction either, even if they didn’t speak a word of English.

So if we really are going to go down the xenophobic route of blame, then my vote has to go to those flag-waving, cheeseburger-eating Americans. Not only did they come over here and woo all of our women with boxes of chocolates and silk tights during the Second World War, but they also left us with a lasting legacy of dumbing down and stupidity through the seductive and insidious medium of cultural influence.

Nowhere is this more prevalent than on our TV sets, especially in shows such as the X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent.

These shows are effectively designed to coerce us into voting for the acts that are most likely to line the pockets of Simon Cowell. No longer do we vote for the best singer in the competition, but who has the most marketability to 14 year old girls. As a nation we have been manipulated to such an extent that we

actually accept groups like JLS and Little Mix as credible artists and treat Harry Styles as if he’s the new Mick Jagger, for God’s sake. Are you kidding me? Why cant we just return to the good old days where our bands played instruments and our TV presenters were…. (well, actually, that’s not a very good analogy, but I hope you understand the point I’m trying to make).

This brings me onto possibly the most terrible of all the American imports…the emergence of TV reality shows. We’ve all seen them; shows where TV crews essentially follow around a group of orange, talentless 20 something's in the hope that they do something crazy, like getting so drunk they wet the bed, or they get their bum-holes vajazzled.

What kind of example does this set to the youth of today and what does the future hold for us when the leading role models of our younger generation are apparently Joey Essex and Josie Cunningham? We need to start educating children to understand that winning pop idol and dreaming of starting up a tanning salon are not genuine vocational aspirations and that they should take inspiration from those hard-working Eastern Europeans we so very often moan about instead.

So on reflection, it’s not actually my age or the bad weather that’s been making me miserable of late, but the gradual and unwanted Americanisation of our society....and as soon as I put down my lovely, delicious, container of Starbucks coffee, I might well do something about it!

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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‘Stan theMan’

LOVE THIS PHOTO! One of the main reasons is because it’s real, not staged.

Our Stanley just happened to be sitting outside Costa Coffee in Chelmer Village in his cycling hel-

met, smoking a cigar, and reading a copy of the January edition of The Edge.

Turns out he does a ‘lodda work for charidee’, does Stan, who is a member of the Chelmsford Lions Club, and he just wondered - on the

www.theedgemag.co.uk

off-chance, like - whether The Edge might like to mention that this year’s Christmas Carol Float raised £7,700 for local charities over the crimbo period, including the likes of Farleigh Hospice, Family's in Focus, Helen Rollason, Guide Dogs etc.

“We’re always on the look out for new members too,” says Stan. “Anyone interested should just pop along to our hall at 357 Springfield Road, Chelmsford, on the second Wednesday of any month. Meetings start at 8:00pm and women can now come too, if they like.

In fact, anyone above the age of 18 is welcome.”

Stan likes to keep active on his bicycle as he says it’s kinder on his limbs than walking, due to his dodgy knees.

“I do about 15-20 miles every Thursday with a group of cyclists,” he says.

“The rest of the time I just potter about along the Sandon Mill lanes.”

So you see, there’s no such thing as a typical Edge reader....you’re all as wonderfully different and individual as the mag itself, and The Edge loves you for being so.

Send all Reading The Edge pics to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 19

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE TRADITIONAL STAG & HEN NIGHTS? As we look forward to the warm bright days of spring and summer there are many amongst the readership that will be on the final run up to their nuptials and entry into the grown-up world of marriage. For some they will somehow see this as an end to their freedom, rather like the way some children think older age is the end of their parents’ life and not actually the gateway to some peace and bloody quiet along with the removal of responsibility for the lives of others - although I digress. This perceived removal of freedom has been traditionally marked by the ‘stag’ event for the men and a ‘hen’ party for the ladies.

Primarily for the male partner it is supposedly to mark the end of freedom and indulge in things that will be forbidden or unacceptable within married life.

Traditionally the real reason is to lead the groom into temptation to test he is committed to his marriage proposal. Of course, the fact that the bride’s father and five brothers are usually on the stag event and whom just happen to be the UK bear strangling champions is usually enough to keep the groom on the straight and narrow.

Mrs Motco may well, of course, advise me otherwise, but I am in my 33rd year of wedded bliss, and like so much else, things have moved on since 1982. For a start, I only had three pairs of shoes back then! The stag and hen events were also much simpler and affordable affairs back then. It was traditional for the groom to set out with his mates, dad and prospective father-in-law and soon to be brothers-in-law to their local boozer. Back in the day, you still had a ‘local’ where you could feel at home, and like the mythical Cheers bar in the TV show, everybody knew your name. In many cases it would be a rare outing for dad to the pub, let alone with a bunch of people hell bent on consuming as much beer as humanly possible. So the form would be a rush into a speed-hosing of pints, before the middle section of vodka & tonic or Bacardi & Coke, as there was nothing as glamorous as JD & Coke back then in your average boozer. Then it would be a final push towards oblivion with a round of brandies and a Castella cigar. Very occasional shots would be confined to tequila with salt and lemon, but were certainly not the norm. Having arrived at 7.30pm and it generally being a Thursday with a kicking-out time of 10.30ish (unless a lockin had been offered by your landlord), the next move was generally to a curry house or Chinese restaurant for a spot of inappropriate behaviour towards the long suffering staff and yet more beer, as restaurants could serve later if you were eating, so some dodgy canned lager would usually be taken on board.

Then, after eventually being kicked out at some stage, everybody would make

their own way home, although on the way somebody would usually get separated from the herd and the next day you would hear about the night they spent in the nick for some unknown reason. The groom would often wake up in bed with a traffic cone, everybody would be hungover and the best man could deem to have managed a very successful evening. And everybody would be fit and well for the big day on the Saturday.

The ladies, meanwhile, would have a much more (supposedly) genteel affair, although the event would usually be at TOTS or Zero 6 in Southend, or possibly Raquels in Basildon. There would inevitably be lots of dancing around handbags with a ‘surprise’ male stripper appearance, some nudge-nudge gossip about baby oil and finally some over-suggestive behaviour towards the minibus driver on the way home. Job done.

Fast forward three decades to the phenomenon of the stag/hen weekend or short-holiday trip. Drinking must be combined with walrus polishing in the Outer Hebrides, or a spot of tweed-hunting in Prague. Ladies will be traipsing around some foreign seaside resort dressed in policewoman’s outfits or the like, with ‘My Charlies are My Angels’ on their t-shirts. I have been thinking about this due to the pressure one of my work colleagues has been under as the best man and organiser of five days in Las Vegas in April, which will be his fifth such event within a 12 month period. The sheet as it stands reads: Tenerife 4 days £500ish, Spain 3 days £700-ish, Berlin 4 days £500-ish, a day at the races in the UK £250-ish and the aforementioned 5 days in Las Vegas this coming April where the trip comes in at £1,250 plus whatever the in-resort spend. Now that is one hell of an ‘ask’ from your friends, let’s face it, whilst the newlyweds will be sending out a wedding list to further lighten your pockets. Then there’s the non-financial sacrifice of holiday from your precious work allowance.

Now the government office for statistics will inform you that 42% of marriages end in divorce, so you have little better than a 50/50 chance of your friends lasting the course after asking you to spend so much on a pre-wedding event.

Also with those statistics you may well be asked to do it a second time. Ouch!

Makes that ancient sounding evening at the local boozer with your mates sound a lot more financially attractive, doesn’t it? And if they really are your mates, they will see to it that it is every bit as good.

Hospital Visits

Being in hospital is quite clearly no laughing matter, especially when blokes are forced to crossdress.

Page 20

In all of my born days, reports The Edge Editor, I have had the great fortune never to have had to endure an overnight stay in a hospital.

However, I have recently pretty much been up to Broomfield every night for the past three-to-four weeks visiting the father-in-law (‘Only Me’, I call him, although he hasn’t been popping by and surprising me too much of late) who had to have an operation, the poor old sod.

After three-and-a-half-weeks they eventually let him out, but he honestly looked at death’s door one evening when we called on him and it’s not until you are in a hospital environment that you realise just how fragile we all truly are, plus what’s important and what’s definitely not.

‘Only Me’ is 78, but he’s a young, chipper 78, if you know what I mean, and he comes in right handy for putting up shelves on walls that’ll hold a lot of weight (he puts stuff up to last, is what I mean), so I was incredibly anxious that he didn’t croak. Also the wife (one of his two daughters, plus an errant son) would have been mortified if he’d slipped his mortal coil, as no doubt would have been his ‘new bird’ (they met playing bowls) - yes, isn’t it amazing to once again find love and companionship at such a ripe old age - and with a 23 year old 6ft vixen to boot.

He was wearing one of those ‘blue (post op) dresses’ the first time I saw him in his four-man ward, with his bare arse hanging out the back and a tube stuck down his Jap’s eye, plus a clear plastic packet of stale orange piss attached to the side of his bed and another tube stuck in his side to drain an abscess. By God, there were just so many pipes sticking both in and out of him, yet he’d kind of gone in there pretty much feeling fine.

I know everyone technically knows what they’re doing in hospitals, but as a person, I just don’t trust anyone (that’s just the way I am) and it seemed to take ‘Only Me’ a fair old while (longer than we’d all expected) to start acting like his old self again and pinching the nurses’ bums etc.

So I sort of want to use this article to say a huge thank you to all those concerned up at Broomfield for keeping the old bugger alive and prolonging his life, because he’s generally full of mischief and has got lots to live for and look forward to, even though it did look touch-and-go at one point, and that was proper scary, especially when all the fight had seemingly gone out of him as he was in so very much pain.

No-one wants to see their loved ones like that, yet generally speaking, every single one of us is somebody’s loved one, so that said, we’ve all of us got a common bond, haven’t we? That said, so why the hell do we all argue and fight with each other so very much then, when it’s usually always over something (and pretty much) nothing.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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S’truth!

This is a genuine photograph, readers. It’s not some hideously fake moustache that you might buy over the counter in a joke shop. No, this, this thing, is actually attached to the geezer’s face.

This chap was a contestant at the biennial World Beard & Moustache Championships in Portland, Oregon, not so very long ago, and isn’t it just absolutely hideous? For Christ’s sake, Movember’s one thing, but this is quite something else and it actually beggars belief.

The very first championships (hey, and perhaps there’s even a world championship cable-laying competition?) were held in Hofen an der Enz in Germany in 1990 and it’s been a roaring success ever since. In fact, on 1st September 2007, the face-off was even held in Brighton, where competitors of the world’s most hirsute faces went tash-to-tash, hosted by The Handlebar Club (The Edge kids you not). Nick Cave was even one of the judges and the categories included Dali moustache, goatee chin and the daddy of them all, the full beard freestyle (are you reading this, Motty?)!

The next official face-pubes championships will be held this year in Leogang - not Legoland - which is, of course, in Austria.

Your editor will definitely not be entering, even though he has decided to grow a bit of the old facial plumage of late, ready for a bandanna and whisker fest whilst riding those iconic Royal Enfield’s in Kerala (full story next month, folks). However, facial hair below the nostrils and CM2above 0HR the top lip is unfortunately prone to snot collection at this particular time of 0 a down-side. year, when Man Flu is rife, and that is most definitely

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The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 19:08 Page 22

ONLY JOKING! STIFF NECK

A five year old boy was visiting his grandparents and noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in his rocker, wearing only a t-shirt and naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha doin’? You're weenie's out and everyone can see it!" he exclaimed.

His Grandpa continued to look off into the distance, not taking a blind bit of notice of his Grandson.

"Grandpa,” the boy persisted, “whatcha doin' sittin’ out here with no pants on?"

This time his Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, just watchin’ the world go by, and I ended up with a stiff neck. It’s your Grandma's idea."

GOLF PANTIES The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt to reveal her total lack of underwear attire. “'Good God, woman!” exclaimed her husband. “Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?”

“Well,” she said, “you don't give me enough housekeeping to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reached into his pocket, took out a nifty-fifty, threw it at her and said, “For the sake of decency, go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next up, the Irishman's wife bent over and set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to clearly reveal that she too wasn’t wearing any underwear.

“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!” cried Paddy.

“You've no knickers on. Why not?”

She replied, “Because I can't afford any on the money you give me.”

So Patrick reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some panties."

Last but by no means least, the Scotsman's wife bent over on the tee and the wind took her skirt completely over her head to reveal that she too was totally naked beneath it.

“Sweet mutha o’Jaysus!” screamed the Jock.

Where tha friggin’ ’ell are ye drawers?”

His wife explained, “Ye dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any, mon.”

So the Jock reached into his back pocket and said, “Well fer the love o’decency, here's a comb. F’Christ’s sake tidy yersel’ up a bit.”

NO WAY The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

So Molly put up her hand up and said, “My family visited a farm last weekend to see some sheep and it was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was very good, Molly, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”

So Sally raised her hand and said, “Me and my family went to watch the Chelmsford Chieftains last weekend and we were all fascinated.”

The teacher said, “That’s very good too, Sally, but I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated.”

So Little Johnny raised his hand.

Oh shit, the teacher thought, and hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny in the past. But she finally decided that there was simply no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she motioned for him to go right ahead.

Little Johnny said, “My aunt has a blouse with ten buttons down the front, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight of ’em.”

The teacher began to cry.

TOO YOUNG TO DIE A ’plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things started going from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

At that point, one woman lost it completely.

She stood up at the front of the ’plane and screamed, “I'm way too young to die.” Then she yelled, “But if that’s what God’s got planned for me, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. So is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?”

For a moment, there was complete and utter silence. Everyone just stared at the desperate woman at the front of the ’plane and twiddled their thumbs in their laps. Then a man at the rear of the ’plane, who was handsome and tall, stood up and started walking up the aisle towards her, unbuttoning his shirt as he did so, one at a time. You could have heard a pin drop.

No one moved as the guy removed his shirt to reveal muscles that rippled right the way across his manly chest.

The woman at the front of the ’plane gasped as he threw his shirt at her.

“Here, love” he said, “iron this and then get me a beer.”

NEW MACHINE Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine. I only used it for half-an-hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything. Kit Kats. Mars bars. Snickers.

Crisps. The lot.

NEW TV SHOW I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's in fact called ‘Fact Hunt’.

HEART BEATS QUICKER Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes all weak in the knees, and he begins to think totally irrationally.

Ever stopped to wonder why?

Think about it.

It's because she smells just like a new car.

SALVATION ARMY REP If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read on...

The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is well over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to the community through the Sallies?”

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “And did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbled, “Uh, no.

I didn't know that.”

“Secondly,” said the lawyer, “did it also show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken Sally rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off once again.

“And thirdly, did your research show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children to support, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, said, “I'm so sorry, sir. I had no idea.”

The lawyer said, ”So if I don't give any money to any of them, what makes you think I’ll give any to you?”

MOSQUE I decided to go to a Mosque for the very first time to see what it was all about.

I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my head, and said by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohammed I would walk today.

I told him that I was not paralysed.

So he laid his hands on me again and repeated the same words, and once again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been nicked.

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is ‘Super Dog’, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 16/01/2015 11:44 Page 23

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‘BEST BITCH’

C

arla Connor is the enigmatic owner of Underworld ladies undercracker manufacturers in Weatherfield, oop north. She’s a no-nonsense, hard-nosed business woman who quickly became one of Corrie’s most popular characters and has even been referred to as ‘the new Elsie Tanner’.

Carla (the character) used to live on a council estate in Manchester with her alcoholic drug-dealing mother and younger brother Rob, who’s now banged up for murdering Tina McIntyre, former voluptuous barmaid, having previously spent 8 years in the clink for armed robbery back in ‘04.

At the 2008 Inside Soap Awards, sexy, faggot-mouthed Ms Connor was voted ‘Best Bitch’, an honour which chuffed her up no end.

Carla is played on Corrie’s cobbles by actress Alison King (42) and unfortunately Alison really does talk like that - like Carla - you know, a bit like a Grimsby fish-wife.

She supports Liverpool F.C. Underworld knicker and hosiery manufacturers was founded by Corrie ‘leg end’ Mike Baldwin, originally as Baldwin’s Casuals. It employs many of Weatherfield’s residents, particularly those who live in ‘The Street’.

Carla was previously married for a brief time to Peter Barlow who she once gave 49% of her business to, even though she treated him like an office boy and he had no previous experience in lingerie. Peter then had an affair with Tina McIntyre, on the grounds that she was dead fit, but he definitely didn’t kill her. Carla’s brother saw to that.

ON VACATION with THE EDGE

This is avid Edge reader Corinne Reed and she’s been to Ecuador, readers, including Quito, the Capital (2850m), four of The Galapagos Islands and the Amazon.

Her tour was organised in advance through a travel company in Ecuador, which comprised Quito City, visit to a hot spring (3,300m), Cotopaxi Volcano (5897m) - which she climbed to 5000m (although not from sea level) with a mountain bike descent - snorkeling in San Cristobal, Santa Cruz, Floreana, and the Isabela Islands, hiking up a couple of volcanoes (Sierra Negra’s crater is just under 10km wide), Otavalo Market, the equator line, a 4000m cable car ride, a four day tour of the jungle at the Cuyabeno Wildlife Reserve (inc. night hikes plus a little free time).

Corinne says she enjoyed some great food and saw some truly amazing sights, including animals and creepy-crawlies the likes of tarantulas, dolphins, starfish, crabs, flamingos, snakes, birds, monkeys, iguanas,

EROTIC Fantasy Licensed Sex Shop 1000’s of DVD’s from under £10 Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the area All the latest Adult Toys Lingerie PVC/Rubber Everything for fun loving singles/couples Open ’til 7:00pm Just two minutes walk from both Chelmsford Bus & Railway stations Established in Chelmsford for 20 years Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff.

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Page 24

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far too many mosquitoes and, of course, giant tortoises. She even got to swim with sea turtles, sea lions, penguins and sharks, which she says were “not too far away, but far enough”.

Corinne adds, “All in all it WOT, NO EDGE MAG, CORINNE? was a truly amazing opportunity to visit such a diverse country. There are also an abundance of motorcycles and scooters over there too, although not many up near the volcanoes.”

But where’s her copy of The Edge in the photo on the left?

“Oh yeah,” admits Corinne, “the day I went up Cotopaxi I forgot to take your frickin’ mag with me!”

The Edge is just grateful you readers bother to take a copy with you at all, gawd bless yer!

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 16/01/2015 11:37 Page 25

Chelmsford Film Club

Ƭ

NEED SOME REPAIRS TO YOUR PROPERTY?

Windows Doors Glass Roofs

.+239,58* /23 has 2;(been .'9established (++4 Chelmsford Film Club +9:'(2/9.+* some 27 years 953+ and shows ?+'89 its films'4* at the 9.5=9 /:9Theatre. ,/239 ':They :.+ are8'36.584 Cramphorn a group of #.+':8+ showing #.+? '8+ ' -85;6 volunteers world cinema 5, and<52;4 rely :++89 9.5=/4=582* )/4+3' on membership (£50 for 18 films in '4* a sea-8+2?

54 3+3(+89./6 A per ,58movie,/239 son), which is just £2.78 before/4 ' you 9+'954 =./).

6+8 all film buffs reach/9for0;9: yourAcalculators.

35</+are (+,58+ '22 ?5; (;,,9 and 8+').

Guests welcome at £6,/23 admission all ,58 ?5;8 films start at)'2);2':589 8:00pm prompt.;+9:9 '8+ =+2 )53+ ': A '*3/99/54 '4* '22 ,/239 9:'8: ': Monday 63 68536: 2nd February I W I S H ! Kore-eda.

Directed by Hirokazu 12-year-olds Koichi and Ryanosoke live /8+):+* (?and'/,'' 2 '495;8 apart, in north south Japan, separated #.+ ,+':;8+ ,/23 */8+):+* (? ' by their,/89: parents divorce. =53'4 /4 to"';*/ 8'(/' They dream be united again.#.+ 9:58? 5, ?+'8 52* $'*0' =.5 ='4:9 354+? ,58 ' (/)?)2+ Thursday 19th February LILTING ! !

Directed by Hong Khaou.

Set in London, Khaou’s first feature film /8+):+* (? and 2+>'4*+8 '?4+ deals with loss the limitations of lan954Chinese-Cambodian '))536'4/+9 ./9Junn (55@+ guage. is mourn'**2+* ,':.+8death 54 'of05;84+? ing the untimely her son :5 Kai.)2'/3 After ' 3/22/54 20 years in *522'8 London9=++69:'1+ she has still not68/@+ assimi(;: :.+?

-+:entirely ='?2'/* /4 ' 93'22 lated and was dependent upon:5=4 him. /4 +(8'91' Then Kai’s boyfriend suddenly appears... ! 2nd March !

Monday !

IDA /8+):+* /22+8 Directed by (?

Pawel2';*+ Rawlikowski ;*8+? #';:5; '9 novitiate :.+ *';-.:+8 Poland 1962.

Anna,9:'89 a young nun, ' =+'2:.? =/4+8? is5,about to take her vows,5=4+8 but first'4* she 8'*/ must )'2 95)/'2/9: 652/:/)/'4 meet Wanda, her only living relative.

Fascias

Bill Clinton meets JFK $.+4 ' ,;:;8+ 8+9/*+4: 3++:9 :.+ );88+4: 8+9/*+4: ': :.': :/3+ :.+ )54<+89':/54 685('(2? =+4: 953+ :./4- 2/1+ :./9 B /* ?5; '):;'22? -+: :5 (5,, /99 5485+ 8 8+9/*+4: C B 5= 45= 9544? *54D: 2+: ?5;8 .58 354+9 -5 8;44/4- '='? =/:. ?5; C

There’s just something about Vamps!

The Edge doesn’t know what it is, but there’s definitely something.

OK, OK, so this mag would probably run a mile if it ever met one . . . but the breasts and the blood, it’s just such a huge turn-on!

There’s actually a French/Belgian film called Female Vampire (1975) that mag might need to take a ;9:this 8'/9+ ?5;8 .'4*9 ,5219 peek at (for research 3+'4 )53+ 54 :.+ purposes $ ! only, /9 of course). if anyone’s seen ='?

6'9: /:9So 9+22 (? *':+ '4* ,58it,:.+ do ping over an email and let us8+2/ <'9: 3'058/:?

5, 6+562+ 8/-.:2?

-/54 *5+94D: +<+4the 62'? ' 6'8: know if it’s worth bother.

"5 2+:D9 0;9: title )+2+(8':+ 54 += The original was apparently %+'8D9 '4* .'<+ *54+ =/:. /: The Bare<+Breasted Countess.

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The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 19:10 Page 26

S

o far these monthly missives have compared my Californian city with life in the UK and it’s probably fair to say that if it were a football match, San Diego would be winning about 4-1.

However, there is one thing that England is so bad at that it would be losing 10-0.

And that’s not just against California, keeping the football analogy alive. When compared to Scotland, then England would still be losing 7-0. To Scotland, for chrissake.

Anyone who has tried to buy or sell property in England within living memory will break out in the heebie-jeebies just thinking about the stress involved.

Whereas here?

Piece of cake.

Done and dusted in three weeks.

So let’s look at the process in each country.

We’ll keep it simple and assume you sold your place in Chelmsford to a first time buyer, so there’s no chain to consider. The process probably went something like this...

Firstly, you will have had a major hassle just getting viewers into your place because your estate agent will be about 16 years old, full of crap, and then won’t live up to any of the promises he made you when you signed up. That’s the problem with stupid people - they aren’t clever enough to know they’re stupid and assume everyone else is at the same level and will therefore believe their bullshit.

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

by Steve Ward

HOUSE FOR SALE

ally happened is that your transaction has already entered the strange seventh dimension known as ‘Solicitor Time’. In Solicitor Time, which equates roughly to about 1947, email has not been invented and telephones are never, ever used to do anything so crass as to call and chase another solicitor.

find yourself a Realtor. He/she takes instructions on what sort of property you are looking for, the desired area and the price range you are interested in. They will then search the database, which is a formal and independent version of Rightmove.com and present you with, say, 30 properties that might fit the bill.

Instead, as a result of your polite enquiry, a letter is put in Ye Olde Royal Mail asking for an update from the opposition. Which allows another £35 to be added to your bill. The solicitor at the other end is, of course, on holiday, so the letter sits unopened on his desk for at least a week. Two days after he returns he looks at it. He now has about four hours of work to do that week, so almost feints in horror. How can he fit in all that around his golfing commitments?

You pick 10 of those that look good on paper and your Realtor will do some research for you on those ten. They’ll let you know if there’s a sewage farm close by, or that the photos on the website were airbrushed, all that sort of thing, so that you don’t waste your time going to see turkeys.

A full week later he responds, but it is now your solicitor who is on holiday, and when he returns a week after that he will not tell you he’s received a letter until you ask. The legal thinking is that you, Mr Stupid Member of the Public, should not concern yourself about the most important financial transaction of your life - you should just leave it to us, the professionals, to sort it all out in Solicitor Time.

“Hi. I’m your estate agent.”

Eventually - thanks to Rightmove.com and not the estate agent - you find a willing buyer and agree a price. You punch the air and yell “Yeeessss” but deep inside you know that’s the simple bit. All the real heart-attack moments are only just warming up.

You engage someone to do the conveyancing. Whoever it is will also make lots of promises regarding timescales they will later break. After you’ve signed, there will be a brief flurry of activity in the first week as preliminary documents are prepared and exchanged. This gives you a false sense that the legal people are hard at work on your behalf.

Three weeks later you’ve heard nothing more, so you make a polite enquiry as to progress. You will be fobbed off with some garbage or other, but what’s actuPage 26

In due course - at least four months later, but conceivably six - Solicitor Time will dictate that contracts can be exchanged and you can start to plan the actual move. That is, of course, if the buyer hasn’t died in the meantime, or decided to pull out with no penalty because he/she has had second thoughts all those months after agreeing the price with you. Meanwhile, you have either turned grey or gone bald in the intervening six months, and lost the will to live several times over.

England’s property buying process is terrible - you couldn’t design a worse one if you tried - but it suits the members of the legal profession very well to keep it like that so that they don’t have to work at the pace the rest of us do. Or used to, in my case, as a recent retiree.

Ask yourself, could you get away with sticking something in the post and then forgetting about it for a week or two?

Whereas over here, the equivalent of an Estate Agent is a Realtor. That’s a horrible word, but forgetting what they are called, boy, are they professional. The first difference is that as a buyer, you

The seller has also engaged a Realtor, of course, and as part of the research yours will contact the selling one and ask all the pertinent questions. So of the ten that looked good on paper, you’re down to, say, six that you go to see in person.

You choose the one that will be your dream home, and after a bit of haggling, you agree a price with the seller. In my particular case, I did that at 4:00pm on a Monday afternoon. On Tuesday at 2:00pm, we had a legally binding contract in place. 22 hours. Let me repeat that. TWENTY TWO HOURS.

cover noisy neighbours, feral dogs in the vicinity and whether the seller knows of an airport nearby. You kinda think a buyer should know that last one, but the point is, as a potential purchaser, you are given every piece of pertinent information before you commit your money.

On the other hand, once you have committed, you stay committed.

After the contracts are in place, you as the buyer have 17 calendar days to do any due diligence you consider necessary to check the ticked boxes are accurate. Unless you can prove that those boxes were inaccurately completed, you cannot get out of the deal. Similarly, even if someone comes along and offers the seller double what you did, he can’t back out of selling it to you at the price agreed.

Brilliantly simple and not a lawyer in sight.

In fact, that’s a slight exaggeration, because the Realtors all have to pass professional exams. They can’t just buy a camera, a photocopier and a website and call themselves Realtors in the way that Estate Agents do in the UK. Part of that professional qualification includes full legal training in the contents, consequences and ramifications of that contract template.

Ah, I hear you say, so why doesn’t the seller just lie on the disclosures? Well, he could, but the potential for litigation and thereafter serious financial consequences if you are found to have deliberately lied is motivation enough for people to be honest. And the selling Realtor would certainly lose his/her license under such circumstances, so again they have a very solid reason to keep things clean.

Going back to where we started, it has to be acknowledged that the Scots have a different property buying process to that used in England, and although not quite as quick and simple as the Californian one, it is a considerable improvement. Hence the 7-0 thrashing in the footballing analogy.

So, a longer than usual story from me this month, but this tale needed to be told. I can’t help but think there’s a seriously good business opportunity here for anyone in England who is willing to challenge the status quo in terms of conveyancing practices, but it’s way too late for me. However, I’d accept a few percentage points for the idea though.

“Stop the clock. It’s a done deal”

The reason this is possible is because the contract is a standard template used for all property purchases in California. It has hundreds of disclosure boxes that have to be ticked. These cover all the questions the solicitors in the UK spend months going backwards and forwards about with letters in the Royal Mail.

Those boxes have been ticked as appropriate by the seller and his Realtor.

Apart from the big, obvious stuff, like the state of the roof and whether there is any dry-rot present, the questions also

“Who is willing to challenge the Status Quo?”

You’re welcome.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

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The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 19:18 Page 27

Is Do jealousy in a relationship your friends really everseehealthy? want to you happy? %41..+0) 6*417)* #%'$11- %#/'

The saying goes that friends are the #%4155 # 2156 6*#6 56#6'& < ,'#.175 family you choose, and certainly life is a )+4.(4+'0& +5 # (#+6*(7. )+4.(4+'0& ( 5*' lot easier with a good friend by your &1'50?6 )'6 ,'#.175 9*'0 51/'10' side.

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2#460'4 1( Started dating4'/'/$'4 someone new?

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New6*#0 job prospect?

Don’t jump $'66'4 /' ? '8'4; 6+/' *' ship 9'06 too soon, it could all go wrong.

61 6*' 5*125 61 )'6 51/' /+.- 6 9#5 %1/2.'6'.; 4+&+%7.175 $76 9#5 #0& is5110 )4'9 176ask?

1( +6Some #5 +/#) Why that, you may may +0' it’s /156 $'+0)5 &1 say just.1)+%#. part of *7/#0 friendship and show2'12.' 0'8'4 5''/ 61 behind )'6 ing1/' care/concern, but the reality 56#)' 6*17)* 6*'; it2#56 is a 6*#6 little harsher than; it’s#0& because 4'/#+0 +05+56'06 6*#6to$'+0) our friends don’t want see us,'#.175 happy +5 2'4('%6.; 0#674#. #0& +0 51/' won’t and that’s because our happiness +056#0%'5 #%67#..; 37+6' %1/2.+ make our friends happy.

And6*' theirs /'06make us happy either, for that won’t -#; 9+.. #&/+6 6*#6 51/'6+/'5 10 matter.

8'4; 4#4' 1%%#5+105 +6 +5 0+%' 61 9+6

0'55 ;174 2#460'4 (''.+0) # $+6that (.75 Basically, human nature dictates 6'4'& +0 # %47'.

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175; #0& 2#4#01+# #4' #.. 5+)05 6*#6 ;174 2#460'4 %#4'5 #$176 ;17 #0& +0

When our friends become successful 6*' %#5' 1( 6*' 24'8+175.; /'0 and tell us about their achievements 6+10'& #%'$11- 2156 ,'#.175; +5we make their #0 good news about us and our 019 #.51 +0&+%#614 1( *19 (#+6*(7. short comings, shifting the focus away # 2'4510 +5 ' &1'50?6 9#06 61 from the6*#6 good)7; to the Instead 270%* 9*1negative. ,756 521-' 61 of feeling happy for our friends we#think ;17 !'.. 6*'0 *' /756 *#8' $+6 about own lives and 1.& wish(#5*+10'& we had 10 6*'our 5+&' #.. /' that for ourselves. $76 happiness ?& 4#6*'4 *#8' # $70%*We 1( com(.19 pare our lives and jealousy6*#0 to poi'45 #0& # $1: 1( allow %*1%1.#6'5 # son us.9*1 Often'0&5 we are wrapped up in $.1-' 72 so +0 # $#4 $4#9. our selfish rarely5-+46 stop '8'4; 6+/'thoughts )1 176that +0 #we5*146 to actually what that9+6* happi!*1 %#0 think 4'#..;about $' $16*'4'& #.. ness means to our friends.

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In fact,/'/$'45 rarely do 1( we6*' pay12215+6' attention 5': to 9+6* their news at all because #0& good +06'441)#6+0) 6*'/ 9*'0their 6*'; good benefit us. /+55 news ;174 doesn’t /+&0+)*6 %74('9 #8+0) 61 is4'#5574' ;174 2#460'4 6*#6 Friendship a two way street and we ;17like .18' 01to10' feel we6*'/ either#0& have both'.5' be mis'8'4; or 6+/' 10 #for0+)*6 176 erable both;17 be )1 happy it to work.

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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. $*2

Year of the Goat Twitter @yasminejourno

by Yasmine 9+6*both 6*' have $1;5to)+4.5 +5 '55'06+#..; # We be losers or we both 2#46 6+/' 6*#6 ;17 %17.& &1 have to be ,1$ successful - we need9'.. to be 9+6*176 &4#+0+0) equal or we6?5need to be !*; better5*17.& so that ;17have 52'0& ;174 6+/' 9144;+0) #$176 we someone to share our thoughts 9*#6our 5/#..

6*+0)5 64+))'4 and feelings and%17.& our news with.;174 If it 2#460'45 +05'%74+6+'5 9*'0 doesn’t benefit us, it isn’t worth;17 our%17.& $' *#8+0) (70harsh, #5 12215'& 61 *#8+0) time.

It sounds but it’s true.

And 61 0#8+)#6' it’s really sad.# /+0'(+'.& 1( # 4'.#6+10

Come and celebrate the Chinese New Year with San on Wednesday 18th & Thursday 19th of February 2015

5*+2 !*1 917.& *10'56.; 4#6*'4

*#8' 6*#6 9144; #5 12215'& We can#..probably all think of a time 61 4'52'%6 #0& *#22+0'55 #0& in # 4'.# when a friend has let us down this 6+8'.; '#5; .+(' way. A time when we have felt over1/' 9+.. #4)7' 6*#6 ,'#.175; +5 # joyed and excited and desperate to 0#674#. 4'#%6+10 61 *#8' #0& 6*#6 +6 share our good news with a friend, only %#0016 $' *'.2'& 1/'6+/'5 9' #.. to be greeted with scepticism and half*#8' # >91$$.; /1/'06? 9*'4' 9' assed enthusiasm followed by the 37'56+10 174 5'.( 9146* #0& $'%#75' inevitable self-pity text later that night 9' 6*+0- 174 2#460'4 +5 51 )4'#6 9' (aimed at dampening our positivity and 910&'4 9*#6 6*'; 5'' +0 75 #224' making us feel guilty).

%+#6' 6*#6 51/'6+/'5 6*+5 %#0 *#2 2'0 61 6*' $'56 1( 75 $76 #.51 6*+0It’s very easy to feel hurt by an unsup+6?5 *19 ;17 &'#. 9+6* 6*'5' (''.+0)5 portive friend, or a friend who seems to 9*'0 6*'; #4+5' 6*#6 +5 4'#..; +/214 care very little about the things that 6#06 mean so ;174 much,'#.175.; us, but we’re all guilty !#8+0) #4170& .+-' of # it.(.#) 1( 24+&' 5+/2.; +50?6 4+)*6 66'/26+0) 61 ,756+(; +44#6+10#.

When sharing with a friend, 6*17)*65 +50?6good 4+)*6news '+6*'4 #0& 014 +5 it6*#6 is important to remember that we #.. 611 %1//10 <+6?5 016 6*#6 might always get ,756 the reaction we &10?6 not 64756 ;17 +6?5 6*#6 &10?6 want; that not.+0' everyone will be as happy 64756 6*'/= for$'.+'8' us as we are; that sometimes 6*#6 ,'#.175; +5 016 # our /'#5 happiness can actually depress# our 74'/'06 1( %#4' $76 4#6*'4 /'#5 friends a little bit. Sometimes we might 74'/'06 1( +05'%74+6; #0& 4'(.'%6+0) not feel the+05'%74+6; support in 1061 our dreams as ;174 190 51/'10' they to be +50?6 coming to fruition. ;17 appear .18' 5+/2.; 4+)*6 756 Sometimes might/+)*6 not be $'%#75' our friends 2'12.' there finishing-line, cheering6*'+4 us 6*+0- at +6?5the 1-#; 61 4'#& 6*417)* on.

But we?2*10' mustn’t#0& take)'6 this+0to#heart 2#460'45 *7(( we mustn’t this shape or define 9*'0 6*';let 52'0& 6+/' 9+6* 6*' our right to be 5': happy and to/'#0 be successful 12215+6' &1'50?6 +6?5 014 and achieve14the#0things we want9#; to. 61 /#.to*'#.6*; #%%'26#$.' $'*#8' ( ;17 9#06 61 -''2 ;174 2#460'4 +6?5 241$#$.; We must+06'4'56'& value our friends, listen to$'56 016 61they 64'#6 6*'/ #5 and #0 1$,'%6 215 what have to say then respond 5'55+10 6*#6 61 -''2 positively.

We ':+565 need to51.'.; hold back our ;17 *#22; ‘helpful advice’6?5or#%67#..; ‘friendly 241$#$.; concerns’ /7%* 0+%'4 5612 6*'/need 57%* because it is 61 likely that)+8+0) they don’t # *#4& 6+/' #0& 61anyway. #%%'26 6*#6 (14 to hear these things We must 6*' /156 2#46out#0; 2#4#01+# ;17- if take the time of our schedules ':2'4+'0%' 56'/5 *19 our ;17 (''. only a little - to read (41/ the things #$176 ;1745'.( friends are writing, to listen to the things

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our friends are saying, and to work on being less transparent about being a bunch of selfish bastards (and I’m looking at you).

Page 27

The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 16/01/2015 09:21 Page 28

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O.M.G. James Crowlett (34) was on his honeymoon and just a few hours away from flying back home when the ocean seemed to call to him. He just wanted one last quick dip in order to take an underwater selfie to show off the clear tropical waters to his friends back home.

This photograph (above) was uploaded to his Facebook page automatically and unfortunately the shark was 100% real.

Now The Edge knows what you’re thinking, readers, because our stomachs turned too. As you can clearly see, the shark looks about ready to strike, and it did just that but a moment later.

There’s honestly no happy ending here. It tore James’ leg clean off before lifeguards managed to reach him and drag him to the shore.

Sad fact is, he died on the way to hospital after losing massive quantities of blood.

PROTECTIVE PENILE COOKING ARMOUR A US company has started marketing protective cod-piece armour for blokes who like to cook bacon of a Saturday or Sunday morning completely in the nuddie. Now The Edge might have scoffed at a story the likes of this not so very long ago, until, that is, its mate J-Cloth of Writtle, recently scolded the end of his manhood doing exactly the self same thing, so I think I’ll have to buy him a pair of these reet fetching asbestos jock-straps for his birthday.

The founder even alluded to hoping that people who normally cook with their clothes on now take them off and pull on a pair of his Naked Bacon Cooking Armour, for Heaven’s sake.

Naked Bacon Cooking Armour is available through the J&D Food’s website for $14.99 (just £9.60) plus post and packing.

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 19:22 Page 29

W

sending stuff in as often as I can to keep you all up-to-date with our progress and I hope that some of you will look forward to reading and seeing what we’ve been up to on our travels.

ell, I guess this is it. By the time you get your sweaty little paws on this February publication and read this, my last regular Edge column, I’ll have actually left the UK to start my Great Big Adventure, writes Ian King.

For those of you who don’t know it, the GBA is the road-trip to hopefully end all road-trips as a friend and I take a few years off from normal life by ‘attempting’ to drive our 4x4 as far around the world as we can possibly manage, and we can’t bloody wait!

It’s been 18 long months in the planning, plus a lot of weekends working on the truck, a whole load of evenings spent researching and around £10,000 spent to get to this point - not to mention quitting our jobs, moving house and selling pretty much everything we own, so on the whole, the last year-and-ahalf has really been a bit of a rollercoaster ride - and we haven’t even left yet.

At the time of writing this column it’s 4 weeks and 4 days until we leave the UK for who knows how long, and both Barry (my co-Great Big Adventurer) and myself are eyeing the massive list of jobs we have to fit in before Monday 2nd February with trepidation, and I’ll admit, panicking about it ever so slightly. But I’m sure we’ll get it all done in time, although even if we don’t, it’s not the end of the world. Because when it comes down to it, part of the whole

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

We’ve also got a Facebook page, so feel free to search ‘Great Big Adventure’ and please give us a ‘like’ and keep up with our progress that way.

“AND FINALLY, THEY’RE OFF!” ‘adventure’ aspect of what we’re doing is literally flying by the seat of our pants and making things up as we go along, which is hopefully when the fun of it all will really kick in.

Everything just feels slightly unreal at the moment though, but perhaps understandably so. Part of me still can’t believe that in just over four weeks everything, and I do mean everything, changes for me. I’ll be leaving my family and friends and have no idea where or when I’ll see any of them again, and after 2nd February I won’t even know where I’ll be sleeping each and every night.

But what I do know is that I’ll be seeing some amazing things, meeting lots of new people and really living my life to the full. OK, so I’ll also be digging a lot of holes to take a dump in, but swings and roundabouts and all that.

We’ll begin our journey at Santander in Spain after catching the ferry from Portsmouth and it’s expected to still be dropping to around 2 degrees at night down there, so hopefully we can find somewhere warm to sleep for the few days it takes us to get to Morocco and catch up with some flip-flop weather.

Writing this is also a very weird thing for me to be doing. When I sent our editor (Shaun) a random email with a very short article attached to it all those years ago, I had absolutely no idea I’d end up writing for The Edge on a regular monthly basis for so very long, or that Shaun would become such a good friend, and I can honestly say that I’ve had an absolute blast over the years.

I’ve had some great nights out with him and some of The Edge crew members during that time and I’m going to be genuinely sad not to be a regular part of the mag anymore. Naturally I’ll still be

I’d also like to say a big thank you to you guys/readers as well. I’ve enjoyed the odd emails you’ve sent me about my articles over the years and I’ve also really enjoyed the complaints and arguments when I’ve wound some of you up. I hope that some of you have found my writing both funny and informative and enjoyed reading my articles as much as I’ve enjoyed researching them.

On the other hand, maybe you just think I’m a gobshite, but that’s fine too.

So this (really) is it. Much like Elvis, Kingpin has now left the building (although hopefully I won’t end up dying while I’m taking a shit). If all goes to plan, the next time you all hear from me I’ll be somewhere enjoying myself in the sun, knocking back some criminally cheap booze and chuffing on some dirt cheap fags and (fingers crossed) looking much more like the ‘grizzled explorer’ that I aim to become. Until then, I’ll just say that I hope you all enjoy 2015 as much as I’m surely about to. thekingpin@hotmail.co.uk

Page 29

The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 15/01/2015 19:22 Page 30

Classes’, coming to your area soon.

Forget Zumba. Forget Aerobics. Booty is where it’s at this year, girls.

Although for those of us who still don’t want to get with the Big Booty Bounce, M&S have just brought out a new range of spandex miracle pants.

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TOTALLY TRACIE BOOTIFUL

It’s February, the month of love, but you’re probably slobbed out on the sofa and still carrying those extra pounds you put on over the festive period. But take heart, because surprise, surprise, the lardy-arse look is all the rage this coming spring.

Yep, big-butts are going to become the ultimate fashion accessory, commonly known as the ‘Brazilian Bum’.

Big bums are going to be hotter and more sought after than ever this season. In fact, skinny bi’atch girls are already having fat pumped into their buttocks to make them look plumper and it is currently reportedly one of the top plastic surgery procedures to have all around the world.

Cheryl Cole disfigured her butt with a huge rose tattoo and reportedly had the petals made bigger to account for the big bum that she is planning for the future.

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian has turned her own arse into a huge shelf. In fact, it’s taken on a life all of its own, together with an agent employed to promote it to its fullest potential in the media.

But do we women really want big fat backsides, or are we doing it purely for the benefit of men?

Call me old fashioned, but to my mind a wobbly arse fighting to keep a pair of knickers from disappearing into its crack can never be sexy - unless you happen to be Jennifer Lopez, of course.

The internet is full of videos of women twerking their big butts in order to attract men. YouTube reported a 60% increase in women posting Nicki Minaj tush-twerking moves, whilst Match.com said that women were listing their big butts as their most favourite attribute.

Really?

I actually feel really sorry for men on this one because for generations they were warned never to tell a woman that her ‘bum looked big’ in anything, whereas now they’re seemingly being unappreciative if they don’t.

So if you’re currently sitting on the sofa shoveling in yet another biscuit or bar of chocolate, take heart and consider enrolling in the latest exercising classes which are springing up faster than Zebedee-on-whiz. Yes folks, look out for the ‘Beyonce Twerking Booty Bounce

Dolly Parton may have sung ‘Working # 9 ’til 5 - what a way to make a living’, but the rest of us are far from happy at our places of work and admit to regularly googling ‘ways in which to kill our colleagues’.

While those we work with can often turn into our best friends or even our partners, it seems that others are just put there to drive us completely mad and turn us in to deranged maniacs.

From body odour problems - which is the all time low - and talking too loudly on the ’phone, to chattering too much in the office, eating smelly lunches at their desks, describing their dreams and moaning about their personal life, there is no shortage of ways in which our coworkers infuriate us.

Here is the ‘Top 15’ list of things that cause the most discomfort to colleagues and stops you being a team player.

Blames everyone else for own mistakes Comes in late and goes home early Never admits being wrong Makes a drama out of everything Sucks up to boss Takes credit for work of others Makes numerous personal calls Criticises everyone behind their backs Never makes a brew Takes time off sick with minor ailments Whistles Never chips in for birthday presents Gets drunk at office parties Books up all the school holidays first Always calls you when you’re on holiday

WHO’S THE DADDY? Tomato Ketchup v Brown Sauce has been a source of stand-offs around the dinner table for years, but not anymore.

It seems us Health Conscious Brits no longer wish to drown our food in either and are opting for far more trendy sauces instead. # sauce was invented in 1895 and HP was named in honour of the first place to serve it - The Houses of Parliament.

It became a firm favourite with MPs and the common man alike. Harold Wilson, a former Labour Prime Minister, was renowned for smothering every state dinner in the stuff and it became known as ‘Wilson’s Sauce’ within his immediate inner-circle.

But now that we have all become Trendy Faddy eaters - more at home with Hummus, Tzaki and Nando’s Peri Peri Sauce - there seems to be no place left for the humble Heinz sauces and they’re fast falling out of favour.

But as someone who loves ketchup on chips and a good old bacon sarnie, I shall not be ditching the stuff just yet.

Tracie123@aol.com

The Edge 220_The Edge 172.qxd 16/01/2015 16:24 Page 31

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