Edgeseptember2015

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 227

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 17:31 Page 3

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The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 17:31 Page 4

off the ‘top block’ at the Riverside pool many moons ago (almost 30 years, more than likely) where I got it all wrong from but 3 metres entered the water with what felt like a right hard slap to my face with a wet fish.

So next time you’re outside a multi-storey carpark, just have a look up and try to imagine how high 27 metres actually is. It is proper seriously a right scary height, never mind all the twists and turns Hunt executed on the way down.

I would.t even jump from that height.

No way, sailor.

BENEFITS BY THE SEA: JAYWICK OMG, if you want to feel good about yourself, then you’d best watch this little Channel 5 offering.

The Edge Editor’s Column ORGANISATION My wife loves organisation and she also loves a good clear out. So when I was summoned into the bedroom and I saw my wardrobe doors flung wide open, I could only fear the worst.

I ended up finding a couple of pairs of jeans I didn’t even know I had, chucked out a load of old squash gear (I haven’t played the game in years), as well as discovering a brand new jacket with the label still on it that I haven’t even worn once - and nor will I - which only served to make me proper hacked off with myself at my very own abject wastefulness.

So like I say, she might be much happier now, but I’m not necessarily sure that I am.

INCREDIBLE DIVE Did you see that incredible dive in the Aquatic World Championships in Kazan by Briton Gary Hunt, executed from a height of 27 metres?

That’s not just high - that’s bloody high, is that.

Reminded me (just a little bit) of a dive I once took

Page 4

MAN ON THE CLAPHAM OMNIBUS The Edge’s correspondent ‘MOTCO’ will be back next month, folks. Indeed, I already have his October column ‘in the bag’ as it was intended to appear in this very edition, only the advertising’s been like a mini tsunami this month and something simply had to give.

Of course, our Motty was none too pleased upon discovering there’d be a one month delay to his efforts seeing the light of day, and promptly took his fedora off, threw it to the ground before stamping all over it.

Which is exactly the reaction you want from your columnists, because it proves that they care and take a pride in their valiant efforts.

DUKE STREET RAILWAY BRIDGE Hey, I am liking the lighting on the underside of the railway bridge, and also that shining up from the nicely widened pavement on Duke Street.

And have you seen what they’ve done at the top of Viaduct Road (opposite the bus station)?

It’s all eventually starting to take shape and Chelmsford is beginning to look like an ickle city.

CHIROPODIST I clearly wasn’t prepared for what a half-hour appointment was going to cost me for basically some ointment to put on my gammy big toe and have my toenails clipped (just a bit - which I could have easily done at home by myself).

Forty-five quid (cough, splutter).

Nice work, if you can get it.

Whilst the premises certainly reflected the extortionate fleecing of my back pocket.

LIFE DRAWING Just drawing your attention to the Life Drawing classified ad on page 35 this month, readers.

Essex Sculpture are particularly looking for ladies to get their kits off (i.e. to sit still whilst being drawn) as they already have plenty of chaps who are willing to disrobe on their books.

BOND GIRL Have you clocked latest Bond girl, Mexican Stephanie Sigman (27)? Fancy ‘Sid James’ (007) being able to ‘pull’ a stunner like that, at his age.

TENTS Anyone who knows anything about tents knows you have to go through a fair old few of ’em before you get the right one and it’s taken me and the missus five attempts to hopefully get it right although the proof will be in the pudding over the August Bank Holiday weekend, before it sadly gets packed away in the loft for the winter.

Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on... facebook.com/theedgemagazine twitter.com/TheEdgeMag DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE The Edge, cos no bugger else does.

facecock THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 26/08/2015 08:17 Page 5

Karma

Kepler-452b What sort of a bloody commute am I going to have every day to Chelmsford and back in order to distribute me mags if I bugger off and become one of the very first Earthlings to inhabit Kepler-452b, eh?

You know, that ‘newly discovered distant planet that’s apparently the closest thing yet spotted in the cosmos that’s remotely like Earth’.

Are they shittin’ us?

Does it look like Earth to you (see above)?

Personally speaking, your editor gets fed up waiting in traffic around the Army Navy roundabout, but Kepler-452b is frickin’ 1,400 light years away, so what time in a morning am I going to have to get up in order to catch the Chelmsford hoardes at the railway station with a mag or two that’s fresh off the press?

Me and Mrs Edge are hardly going to see each other as no sooner am I going to be getting back home to Kepler of an evening for me tea than I’m going to have to be setting off again for me 1,400 light year journey back to Chelmsford.

Bloody planners, eh? They just don’t think these things through properly, do they?

A sixteen thousand trillion mile round trip each day is going to be the death of me, I tell thee.

I’m honestly not as young as I was and excessive travelling proper tires me out these days.

Do you think there’s such a thing as karma, readers? You know, what goes around comes around and all that...or is it just plain bad luck?

Or is it that we simply haven’t taken enough due care and attention? You know, when shit has happened, we haven’t been vigilant enough?

Case in point: I lost a £50 note the other Saturday.

The day had been going swimmingly well up until that point as I’d been bathed in sunshine, only when I noticed I’d lost a nifty it was as though there were dark clouds suddenly hovering above just me, me, me, and that the heaven’s had truly opened and were making me soaking wet whilst everyone else on the planet was all nice and dry (apart from otters, teabags and deep sea divers).

What’s it all about, eh?

How does (supposedly) a grown man lose a ‘big note’ out of his back pocket (I’ve never used a wallet in me life)?

So I got to wondering what I’d done that was so very wrong, after checking all of my pockets over and over again for about the one hundredth time, just willing the nifty to materialise.

Was it karma, or just one of those things?

In future, I’m going to write my name and telephone number on all further fifty pound notes that come into my possession, as that way, if I ever lose one again, whoever finds it can ring me and find out just how to get it back to me.

I’m just curious to know both when and how it happened (and when I say curious, I mean it’s been driving me loopy, the continually thinking it over scenario and not being able to come up with a suitable enough explanation).

Why couldn’t it have been a fiver, or a tenner, as I also had a couple of those in my pocket?

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Page 5

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 17:32 Page 6

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”Is this CHiPs office Jon Baker?”

The Edge never watched a single episode, but apparently CHiPs was a lightweight American TV action drama series back in the late seventies to early eighties that followed the lives of two motorcycle officers of the California Highway Patrol. The series ran for 139 episodes over six seasons and over-the-top freeway pile-ups were the signature theme of the show as they apparently occurred in almost every single episode.

So what possessed former local mounted police bloke Matt Holt to invest in these bikes?

“When I retired from the force, I thought ‘now what?’ Having always been a keen biker and retro fan, I started daydreaming (and let’s face it, I now had the time to) after showing my 11-year-old son clips of the old CHiPs series on YouTube, which he thought were naff. But my mind started to wanD original CHiPs Kawasaki KZ1000, a bike I used der as I wondered what it would be like to own an to love when I was a lad (and what a shame my own son isn’t a chip off the old block). So I had a browse on the net and lo and behold discovered that the California Highway Patrol and Sheriff’s Department were about to dispose of 200 Kwaks and Harleys and had passed the mainly mothballed beasts onto a Hollywood motor trader so that he could knock ’em out. So I immediately ordered one from him via Ebay. What an amazing stroke of both timing and luck, eh? And sure enough, it arrived at Southampton Docks some six weeks later.

“And that’s where it all started and pretty soon one bike became two so that I was now the proud owner of a matching pair of CHiPs bikes. The missus was over-the-moon (not), but after a year of stewing, I think she’s finally come around to the idea that there are worse things in life for her husband to be doing.

“So along with the genuine uniforms and a few riding buddies, we now offer our services as Essex Motorcycle Outriders and are available for weddings, proms, Pride, shows and any red carpet event you care to mention. And with ‘CHiPs - the movie’ all set to come out next year, one can only dream of where it all might lead...???” outriders999@gmail.com Facebook: Essex Motorcycle Outriders

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My 10 All Time Favourite Films – Part One 1950 - 1979

Regular readers will have realised that Citizen is what can often be called somewhat of a ‘film buff’ -something that it credits its paternal grandfather for engendering long ago in the 1950’s.

During school holidays, weekends and after school, Citizen was regularly taken to the one of Braintree’s two cinemas - the Embassy (now Wetherspoon’s) or the Central (now the main Townrow Department store) at a time when there was, of course, no video and you had to wait for a film to be at least five years old before it came on the telly, and even then it had to be a pretty big movie to make it onto the small, black and white, 405 line TV in the walnut cabinet, nesting in the corner of the living room - which we were never posh enough to call a parlour!

So with every other magazine publishing lists of ‘Top’ this or ‘Top’ that, Citizen has decided to give you the dubious benefit of its ‘Top Ten Films’ from the 50’s through to the end of the 70’s and in a later column coming soon will provide a second ‘Top Ten’ covering the 80’s up until the present day.

Now, you readers need to be aware that Mrs Citizen thinks that Citizen has a somewhat morbid frame of mind when it comes to its favourite films. This is perhaps best illustrated by the fact that Citizen’s two absolute all-time favourite movies (both from the 60’s) feature the hero of one and the anti-hero of the other both dying at the end of crowded public transport journeys while within reach of their life’s dream.

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CITIZEN

The late Omar Sharif, who died in July, probably wasn’t the greatest actor ever to tread the boards - despite his best supporting actor nomination for ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ - but his portrayal in the title role of ‘Dr Zhivago’ (1965) is Citizen’s all-time favourite film, from its absolute hero of a director David Lean. Near the close of this three hour long epic, on a Moscow tram, Yuri Zhivago thinks he spots the lost love of his life, Lara, and in his attempt to exit the tram suffers a fatal heart attack within yards of her.

In Citizen’s second favourite movie, 1969’s ‘Midnight Cowboy’, one of its two anti-heroes, the consumptive Enrico ‘Ratso’ Rizzo - played by Dustin Hoffman - dies at the end of his Greyhound Bus journey from his native New York to the place of his dreams, Miami, just as the bus arrives at its destination. Jon Voight as Joe Buck - a would be male prostitute - completes the other half of a strong leading cast in what was the first X-rated film to win the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar. To say “they don’t make them like they used to� is probably not true, but Citizen has seen both films so many times it almost has them word perfect!

Dustin Hoffman should justifiably be at, or near the top, of any list of ‘Greatest Actors of All Time’, although in fairness, most of his greatest roles are behind him...but what roles they were! Benjamin Braddock in ‘The Graduate’ (1967), Jack Crabb, aging from a young man to 111, in ‘Little Big Man’ (1970), Dega, opposite Steve ' McQueen, in ‘Papillon’ (1973), Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein in ‘All The President’s Men’ (1976) and divorcing husband Ted in ‘Kramer Vs. Kramer’ (1979) .

Unfortunately his recent material hasn’t been as impressive as contemporaries Robert De Niro and Al Pacino the truly great roles seem to pass him by. Maybe a reputation of being ‘difficult to work with’ doesn’t help, but great he truly was and hopefully still is (surely there has

to be at least one more great movie role left in him?).

Pacino and De Niro both star in, but don’t share any screen time together, in Citizen’s joint third favourite film, ‘The Godfather: Part II’ that shares its joint third place position with its predecessor ‘The Godfather’ (1972).

(And don’t EVER call it ‘Godfather 1’!) Both films won the ‘Best Picture Oscar’ with GF2 being the first and only sequel ever to do so.

A fascination with American politics and a love of newspapers leads Citizen to nominate another Hoffman film in fifth place, co-starring Robert Redford, the aforementioned ‘All The President’s Men’ (1976). Citizen remembers following Watergate at the time it was breaking news and this film chronicles the chain of events that led to the fall of Richard Nixon’s Presidency perfectly.

In sixth place, Citizen needs to nominate a Bond film and chooses ‘From Russia With Love’ - perhaps the single most realistic film in the whole series. All-time ‘Best Bond’ Sean Connery is pursuing the acquisition of what is known in the film industry as a MacGuffin (a plot device in the form of an object of pursuit). In this particular instance it’s a Soviet Lektor cryptographic device that in the book is used to tempt our James to Istanbul by the KGB, but in the film is dangled for our hero by Spectre, the secret international terrorism organisation that featured in all of the early Bond films up to Connery’s last outing in ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ and returns in Daniel Craig’s next installment - out this November - of the very same name.

Seventh is a comedy - ‘Being There’ (1979) and Peter Sellers best role, in what turned out to be his last but one film, where he plays a simple Gardener called Chance who, upon his first encounter with the outside world, in Washington, is accidently catapulted into world affairs dispensing home spun wisdom to the US President!

Two more David Lean films occupy the eighth and ninth positions and both are multiple Oscar winners. ‘The Bridge on the River Kwai’ (1957) stars Alec Guinness as a British Army Officer in a Japanese POW camp who starts off resisting the Commandants demands that his men build a bridge for the Burma-Siam railway and ends up so obsessed with the structure that he alerts his captors to an Allied plot to destroy it. Meanwhile ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ stars Peter O’Toole in the eccentric British Army Officer’s campaign against the Turks in World War One. Alec Guinness, who was almost a fixture in Lean’s movies, co-stars (he also played Doctor Zhivago’s brother).

Finally, in tenth place, after all the death, misery and war in my list, Citizen recognises the need for another comedy, and it’s Peter Sellers once again in one of his Pink Panther movies - albeit the lesser known ‘A Shot In The Dark’ (1964) - the only one not including the name Pink Panther in the title. Based, by director Blake Edwards, on a stage play that didn’t actually feature what was probably Sellers’ most famous role as the inept Inspector Clouseau.

In truth, Citizen’s all time pre-1980’s film list would include two films that predate the 1950 - 1979 criteria and which would replace films 9 and 10 in the above list.

They are ‘Gone With The Wind’ (1939) the American Civil War classic with Clark Gable (the George Clooney of his era) and Vivien Leigh would be at ten. In fifth place, however, would be one of the greatest films ever made, Orson Welles’ masterpiece from 1941 ‘Citizen Kane’. Another combination of American politics and newspapers with, perhaps, the most famous MacGuffin of them all, the mysterious ‘Rosebud’!

Eagle eyed readers may even have spotted a clue as to your correspondents choice of pen name!

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Roller DerbY

Killa Hurtz Roller Girls have been raising a few eyebrows in the Roller Derby community recently, writes Kelli Clark. The team’s excellent performances over the past twelve months has seen them go from being ‘unranked’ to being within sight of the top 100 teams in Europe. As a result, the Chelmsford-based team is currently sitting at the top of the table of their division in the British Championship. http://www.britishchamps.com/tables-and-fixtures-local-south-east/ With just one game to go against Suffolk Roller Derby in October, a win will see the Roller Girls through to the playoffs, and if successful, a promotion into division 3. This could also mean Essex having it’s first ever Roller Derby game with two home teams battling against each other, should Southend’s Seaside Sirens be relegated from division 2 to three.

So have you still not heard of Roller Derby?

Roller Derby is a full-contact sport played on quad-roller-skates on an elliptical track. The game is split into two 30-minute halves, made up of 2-minute jams. Teams have up to 14 players, but only 5 players on track per jam, consisting of one jammer and four blockers.

The jammer scores a point for every opposing player she passes (after the initial pass) and it is the blockers job to stop the opposing jammer scoring points, whilst also helping their jammer to get through the pack of opposing blockers.

To watch Roller Derby, it's a bit like a cross between hockey and rugby, without the stick, or the ball, but with more agility, speed and violence. It is very fast paced, but the announcers will guide you through the action, penalties and lead changes, whilst you won't be able to help getting involved!

WE ARE RECRUITING! The Killa Hurtz Roller Girls are an over 18's women's team, but there is an Essex Men’s team who currently train near Southend who are also recruiting - just search for the Essex Men’s Roller Derby team on Facebook for more details. There have also been some junior teams popping up around the country as the sport grows quickly in popularity.

Age, fitness and size are not important as there will be a position on the team that suits you. There are skaters in their 60's still playing roller derby, so it's never too late to try. You'll get healthier, fitter, stronger and more agile. It will build your confidence, assertiveness and self-esteem and you will meet loads of new people and make some great new friends. Our next recruitment date for new skaters is on 2nd September at 7.30pm at Madison Heights, Maldon.

Our next home game will be the last of our British Championship campaign before the play-offs, so it’s not one to be missed. So why not come along on 17th October to Riverside Ice & Leisure, Chelmsford.

Tickets will be available very soon via our Facebook page. www.killahurtzrollergirls.co.uk or add us on Facebook.

Divorcing or separating, arguing over contact with your children, trouble at work or perhaps a dispute with a contractor!

What ever the dispute we are experts in conflict resolution and are here to help

www.essexmediation.co.uk Offices in Chelmsford, Colchester and Harlow

01245 492200 Alternative locations available across Essex, Hertfordshire and Suffolk

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OMG...100 days to go!

It’s just like Santa says...Christmas is BULLSHIT! The Edge doesn’t honestly care whether you’ve got kids or not (who get all excited by it) because let this mag assure the little bleeders, by the time they get to your editor’s age, they’ll have well and truly had their bloody fill of it because it’s just the same old, same old, same old crock of shite every single year.

Let’s look at it logically, shall we? Say it’s my birthday, or your birthday...do we start planning it, shouting about it, and putting cards on our fecking mantlepieces two whole months (and then some) before the frickin’ so-called ‘big day’?

No, no, no, no, no we fecking well don’t.

But Tesco will have their Christmas Trees up by Saturday 31st October (to catch that weekend’s trade), mark The Edge’s word.

It’s actually got to the stage where SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE about, about, about the fecking C-WORD...such as making it bi-annual.

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Bartellas

festive menu 3 course from £25.50 per person 1 st – 24th December 2014

For reservations call 01245 266288 www.thenewlondon.co.uk the new london restaurant and lounge 147 new London road, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0AA

“When Robert Bartella walked in, it was like Rick Stein suddenly turning up and walking into one of his own restaurants” Bartellas restaurant is linked to the Ivy Hotel at Margaretting, just off the A12, and it’s a bit like watching an episode of Morse in so far as you can scrunch up on the gravel and, after parking your car and walking but a very few paces, bingo, you’re in there. And oh how lovely is it to be able to do that, writes The Edge Editor.

Essex Life magazine recently said of Bartellas, and The Edge quotes: “It offers a stylish interior with plenty of plush, raspberry-pink furnishings offset with silver mirrors and wallpaper.”

And that is most definitely true. But what they didn’t mention is that you are actually greeted upon arrival (remember manners, folks?), accompanied to the bar area and seated. Oh, and the G&T’s are served properly, with decent sized bottles of Schweppes (is there any other brand?).

The last time we’d visited Bartellas was a few years previous when it was situated in the conservatory of the Furze Hill Hotel, which is right next door.

However, it’s present setting, where it has been for the past year, is far more favourable and intimate.

After being escorted to our table-for-two, I did a quick head-count (I don’t know why, I just did) and discovered there were 24 other people seated at their tables already, and it was only 7:30pm.

The courtesy continued as we were offered a selection of warm bread rolls with two lovely chunks of real butter served on slate (nice touch) to nibble whilst we chose a bottle of Terrassa Vivrra to accompany our meal, which was the dry Spanish house white wine (£16.95).

For starters I had Seared Pigeon Breast, Creamy Peas with Bacon (£6.75) whilst my glamorous wife (I’ve always punched way above my weight) opted for the Spiced Avocado Pear with Prawns, Cashew Nuts & Pineapple (£6.50), which is ‘ladies food’ no matter how you want to dress it up.

Meanwhile, back at my side to the table, I really did want a spoon to take the enamel off the plate as I was not wasting one single bit of that delicious ‘creamy pea sauce’ (“if you like cream and you like peas, you’ll love creamy peas”...or words to that effect!).

We were being so very well looked after I felt totally relaxed already. I felt as though the chefs behind-the-scenes knew exactly what they were doing, so I could just chill and not fret. Then Robert Bartella himself walked in with a lady on his arm and it was as though Rick Stein had just walked into one of his very own restaurants on the same night as we were there!

For her mains, Mrs Edge once again did her ‘lady thing’ by ordering the Seared Scottish Salmon Puttanesca Style (£14.50) whilst I was taking no prisoners and went for the Pan-Fried Liver on Mash with Grilled Bacon, Leaf Spinach & Rich Onion Gravy (£15.95) which was absolutely wonderful, especially with a couple of dollops of dijon mustard on the side.

We were having such a pleasant evening that we thought we’d push the boat out and go for desserts. Mrs E opted for the Cheeseboard (£7.75) whilst I came up double-trumps with the Lemon Cheesecake, Caramelised Orange, Orange Sherbet (£5.75) served on a somewhat larger bit of slate to those two earlier knobs of butter and OMG, it was absolutely to die for.

We even managed a brief chat with Mr Bartella and his guest over coffee as he wandered around the dining room signing autographs (as if).

All in all, what a wonderful start to a lovely weekend.

Oh, and do look out for lunchtimes at Bartellas (midday-2:30pm), afternoon tea and their generous Sunday roasts (£13.95 served midday-4:00pm on Sunday afternoons, obviously).

Bartellas Writtle Road, Margaretting, Chelmsford, CM4 0EH. (01277) 355021 www.bartellasrestaurant.co.uk

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Whilst our customers enjoy the remainder of the British summer - what’s left of it - here at Barista we’re gearing up for the Autumn and Christmas.

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU! In September it’s all about the Rugby World Cup. Here at Barista we’re showing it ‘live’ on 5 screens, including one outside, starting with ENGLAND v FIJI ko 8pm Friday 18th September.

We will also be showing every game ‘live’ throughout the rest of the tournament during September and October. This even includes all matches played on Sundays, so come on down and support your nation.

GUEST CRAFT BEER Not only that, but we are introducing a bi-monthly guest craft beer starting with a delicious IPA/APA/LPA (Indian Pale Ale/ American Pale Ale/London Pale Ale)...but we haven’t chosen which one yet, so do pop in and sample our superb new beer.

We are also upgrading our wine list with some new luscious white wines and fruity reds, all of which are now served by the glass.

IT’S CHRISTMAS! We are already taking bookings for our Christmas parties with two menus available from £8 and £10. So don’t be a ‘Bah Humbug’ type. Instead come celebrate at Barista with friends, family and/or work colleagues before partying the night away on our discreet dance floor.

Open until 1am Monday-Thursday and until 2am Friday and Saturday throughout December.

BOOK BY SATURDAY 31ST OCTOBER & RECEIVE YOUR DEPOSIT BACK AS A BAR TAB!

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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Summer is coming, so get out in the garden!

Time for a hot tub perhaps?

Creating Bespoke Bodies

Your Local Supplier for Hot Tubs Both great value and affordable

Hot Tubs Swim Spas

Gazebos Log Cabins

Accessories Parts & Servicing

Rebecca Blaker (see her advertisement on page 5) is a Personal Fitness Trainer who’s passionate about fitness and nutrition, having spent the F @/409.0 :60every :8;0? majority of her adult years honing and toning her bod.

“I’ve tried food 4 fitness fad you care to mention,” she says. “Naturally I’ve made lots of and mistakes along the way, but I’ve learnt from them, and that’s the key. And now that I’m in my early 30’s I’m actually in the best shape of my entire life because I’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t.”

Rebecca spent ten years working in the finance industry, sitting at a desk for up to 12 hours every day, so understands what it feels like to be short on time and constantly under pressure. But having retrained and qualified as a personal trainer she wants to help as many of you as possible achieve the ideal body of your dreams.

Time, Motivation & Consistency

Visit our showroom open 7 days a week Unit 2­3 Rignals Lane, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 8RF

Call us now on 01245 477 400 Email sales@aquawarehouse.co.uk

www.aquawarehouse.co.uk www.aquaspasupplies.co.uk

Page 14

“You honestly don’t need a gym,” she says. “You don’t even need fancy equipment. And you definitely don’t need to spend a lot of money on superfoods or miracle products. All you need is a little time, lots of motivation and consistency. I can work with anyone who’s devoted enough to create a ) completely bespoke fitness programme based on their own goals and aspirations, and it’ll be a programme that can be done anywhere, at any time.”

Rebecca insists that she is not one of those trainers who tells people that their life has to be dull and full of salad. “For me it’s all about balance,” she says. “I work hard on my body, but I also love a glass of wine and a piece of cake. So working with me will show people how to use their own body to create their best body.” (rebeccablaker.com)

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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HOT CHILLI CHALLENGE

A lady called Nicola Lavin from Galway, Ireland, recently contacted The Edge. Nicola has suffered with ME for the past 14 years, so a group of four girls from all over the world (2 from USA, 1 UK & 1 Ireland) ‘met’ via Facecock to discuss both fundraising and awareness ideas.

They all agreed that the Ice Bucket Challenge had been a phenomenal success in raising both funds and awareness for ALS and want to try to replicate that success by attempting to raise global awareness of ME. Through brainstorming they have come up with the Chilli ME Challenge, where participants have to take a bite from a hot chilli (or whatever level of chilli they feel comfortable with!) and film their reaction before donating it and nominate five other people to take up the challenge themselves.

ME is Myalgic Encephalomyelitis CFS (chronic fatique syndrome) and it is a truly awful illness. But the girls have a really good feeling that their challenge could go viral and raise huge awareness and much needed funds for research into such a terrible and very much forgotten-about illness.

The reality of their world is that many sufferers do not even have the energy to leave their bedrooms and therefore society can easily forget about them.

Whilst chillies don't actually represent ME, they could seriously be used as a metaphor for the pain, temperature extremes, suddenness of this illness and the huge impact that it has on peoples lives.

The girls also think that their Chilli Challenge is much more aimed at healthy participants with the main goal being to get as many people talking about ME illness as possible. “We need to loose the lazy stigma attached to our particular illness,” stresses Nicola, “and even if we get just a small percentage of people to Google us and learn about the impact of this debilitating disease, it will definitely have been worth it to us all.”

Tips when attempting this challenge:1. Have milk ready.

2. Make certain you film your reaction to the chili. ?

3. Nominate 5 other people to take up the Chili Challenge.

4. Donate to ME research UK text CMEC73 to 70070 (£4) 5. Info and FAQ: chillimechallenge.wordpress.com 6. Twitter: @MECFS_challenge 7. YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMRgz7F5tRba8VRhLqF3Vvg

www.theedgemag.co.uk

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St. David's Cathedral, Pembrokeshire. Pretty impressive, isn’t it, readers? The Edge visited St. David’s for the fifth time recently - camping, as per usual - but for the far flusher amongst you there are obviously B+B’s, guest houses and hotels (you’re just so totally ‘anti’ the early morning ‘dung run’ to the toilet and shower facilities, all those of you who say you don’t like camping, admit it?). The cathedral and its grounds, which sits both behind and beneath the excellent Bishops pub, which dominates the square, is also a great place to catch the last of the evening sunshine. Therefore The Edge would highly recommend you take a bottle of wine, some cheese and some crackers, and just sit there and drink in the view for all it’s worth, as it truly is majestic.

T

he Edge’s latest trip to St.David’s was with TL&W (The Length & wife) and we set off at 3:30pm on a Friday afternoon, yet still didn’t arrive at the Pontypool Premier Inn we’d booked into until 8:45pm, which was a good couple of hours longer than it should have taken us to get there, due to idiots shunting into the back of one another on both the M25 and M4.

Arriving in Solva in the gorgeous sunshine after a 2 hour coastal jaunt was the highlight of our weekend...just as soon as we started getting stuck into Claire’s ice cold Black Dragon Welsh cider (Cliff also sells it at his Cider Shop in Moulsham Street) at Clwb Cychod Solfach...or Solva Boat Club, in other words, which is right in the middle of the pretty little harbour.

Then it was a swift taxi ride back to St. David’s - as there wasn’t a bus for an hour - to ‘get on it’ with some Brandy & Ginger Joe’s in The Bishops before stocking up on some more booze from the Nisa supermarket (which was when I realised I’d lost a £50 note) and another short taxi ride back to our campsite to get the campfire going, play a few stupid games (Penny’s idea, obviously) and realise that all was well with the world.

Wales being Wales though, it was a fairly dull day the following day, whilst news filtered through that Chelmsford was basking 30 degree heat.

As you drive down the one and only main street in St. David’s you will clearly see The Bishops pub in front of you and if you take a left at that juncture and follow the road you will eventually see a sign on your left, usually obscured by overgrown bushes, for Porthclais Farm Campsite.

Solva...just a short 2 hour(ish) coastal walk from St. David’s, or but £1.00 on the local Puffin Bus Service.

The Welsh coastline is proper rubbish, isn’t it...as you can clearly see!

Page 16

The Edge 077 646 797 44

BAR AND RESTURANT

Festive

Party Menu & edited

a La Carte Menu*

Parties of 10 or more will only be able to order from the Festive Party Menu

JOIN THE

Celebrations

At the Dog & Gun THIS NEW YEARS EVE

FEATURING A LIVE PERFORMANCE FROM ADRIAN WARWICK

(Pre orders and deposit of £10 per person will be required) *A selection of dishes from our normal a la carte menu will also be available

Christmas Day Menu

£80 Per Person £35 for 12yrs & under

A full pre-order will be needed from each guest 2 weeks before joining us.

To reserve your table, call us now on: 01245 360211 www.dogandgunchelmsford.co.uk | info@dgbr.co.uk DOG & GUN BAR RESTAURANT, BOREHAM ROAD, LITTLE WALTHAM, ESSEX, CM3 3NF

DGBR Xmas Edge Magazine AWK.indd 1

21/08/2015 10:21

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The spectacular CITYdiversions festival is back!

This September, the CITYdiversions festival of arts and entertainment returns to Chelmsford.

There are free outdoor spectacles on Saturday 19th September in Chelmsford City Centre (and on Sunday 20th September in South Woodham Ferrers). Then, for the first time ever, the festival presents Big Top Shows in Central Park, Chelmsford, from Thursday 24th to Saturday 26th September - tickets are on sale now!

From 12-noon on Saturday 19th September CITYdiversions welcomes dozens of the best professional street performers from the UK and beyond as they descend on Chelmsford City Centre, presenting lots of free promenade shows that will both amuse and bemuse. And the festival spectacles continue on Sunday 20th September when numerous street artists appear in South Woodham Ferrers town centre.

lising variety acts to delight the audience each evening. Hosted by the award-winning Dusty Limits (2015 London Cabaret Award for Best Host), there’s cabaret clown Dot Cotton, escapology from Matt Pang, pole dance by Ayumi La Noire - plus another special act still to be announced. Seats from £16 with premium seating at £22, there’s a bar and tasty food from 7pm.

Tickets are now on sale for all Big Top Shows online at www.chelmsford.gov.uk/citydiversions or by calling 01245 606 505. Please see the festival website or find CITYdiversions festival on Facebook for the latest information.

This year is also the 10th birthday of The 3foot People Festival, the incredible festival for preschool children. To celebrate, CITYdiversions invites you to The 3foot People PARTY from 24th - 26th September. Featuring craft activities and live shows in a Big Top tent in Central Park, Chelmsford, there’s plenty of opportunities to relive wonderful festival memories, or perhaps experience a small taste of it for the very first time. Sessions run 9.30am - 12.30pm and 1.30pm - 4.30pm each day at £6 per session (£3 for under 2’s). Please note that there is very limited availability and sessions are likely to sell out.

Finally, on Friday 25th September and Saturday 26th September, the festival presents The Fling Family Cabaret. Taking one of the most popular venues from The Fling Festival, the Big Top in Central Park will feature a succession of tanta-

EDGE verdict:

the

“Not to be missed!”

A better way to divorce?

If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the children. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.

At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.

For more information contact Karen Taylor on 01245 349696 email: ktaylor@thblegal.com or visit www.thblegal.com.

Page 20

The Edge 077 646 797 44

CITY

versions

T he 3 fo

t

Sat 19

Sun 20

le PART p o Y Pe

Fling FAMIL e Y Th

BIG TOP Shows Thursday 24 to Saturday 26

ET BAR CA

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September 2015

Big Top Shows in Central Park, Chelmsford ON SALE NOW - TICKETS 01245 606505

www.chelmsford.gov.uk/citydiversions citydiversions #citydiversions Produced by

Matt Sadler

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 19:55 Page 22

LAUGHING out LOUD is BACK!

At last Chelmsford has a premium venue that can offer delicious food and quality entertainment in an extremely plush setting all under one roof. Yes, that’s right, The Comedy Club is now resident on selected Thursday nights at the superb new function suite - The Lion House at The Lion Inn, Boreham.

For Over 19 years The Comedy Club has had virtually every comedian that you see on your TV screens perform at their Chelmsford venue and that shows no signs of stopping.

Whether it’s Jack Whitehall popping down to try out material for his new TV show, Steve Merchant who did his first ever open spot in Chelmsford, or the likes of Lee Mack, Michael McIntyre, Al Murray plus 100’s more top, top comedians, The Comedy Club aims to keep them coming so that you can enjoy watching top comics ‘live’ in your home town.

On such nights you will always get warm, friendly staff, waitress service to your reserved candlelit table throughout the show, TV comedians plus the by now famous Audience Joke Competition which offers some wonderful prizes.

Thursdays in Chelmsford will never be boring again. All you’ve got to ask yourselves is whether you’re ready to ROAR with LAUGHTER? Forget those god-awful Karaoke tribute acts and Open Mic try-out nights - we are talking original, professional comedians offering you the LAUGHTER FACTOR! Also, on sale right now are tickets for the very popular Christmas Comedy Shows, where you will be able to enjoy a fantastic three-course meal, laugh-out-loud at three top comedians and enjoy some funky music to round your night off in style in The Lion House Function Suite. (Please visit The Comedy Club website for the full Christmas Menu.)

Tickets are strictly limited and sell out extremely quickly with only four show dates this December, so do book early to avoid disappointment.

Full information, line-ups and to book tickets: www.thecomedyclub.co.uk And DON’T FORGET, from 1st October The Comedy Club’s shows run fortnightly!

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The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 19:52 Page 23

FUNKY MOPED I know I was probably being a bit of a lazy sod when I purchased myself a moped to make the daily commute from my house in Arbour Lane to Chelmsford train station five days every week, but I calculated that by taking my ’ped I would save myself around half-an-hour each and every day, which is invaluable when you work long hours in the city.

Granted I may have looked a bit of a tit buzzing around on a 50cc moped, but I absolutely loved it and in my mind I was only ever a ‘HALT’ sign away from feeling like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape. I took my ’ped everywhere I went in Chelmsford and it was invaluable for both getting into and out of our gridlocked city centre every weekend especially.

So everything was going swimmingly well until just over a week ago when, upon my return from work, I realised that some little git had halfinched it. I was absolutely gutted and reported it to the police immediately. When I told them about the theft they told me that they would make a record of the incident and promised to "keep an eye out for it", whereas in reality I knew this meant that they would do sweet bugger all, although I accepted it as, if reports are to be believed, they don't even bother going out to investigate burglaries any more. I understand the burden of cutbacks, but it does make you wonder why we bother paying our taxes, doesn’t it?

www.theedgemag.co.uk

I also reported the incident to my insurers, who had an equally laissez-faire attitude to it all. They said I should “just wait and see if it turns up” and then explained that it wasn't worth claiming under my policy as it wasn't worth very much.

Granted it was probably only worth about seven hundred quid at the time it was nicked, but it was my pride and joy!

So I was left both frustrated and annoyed that I had to resume my commute on foot. But then, out of the blue, I received a glimmer of hope when the police telephoned me to say they had recovered my moped from Melbourne Park. They explained that there was some minimal damage to the front, but that it was in good working order. I was delighted and asked if I could have it back. They told me I could, but first it needed to be recovered and forensically examined.

Unsurprisingly, their examinations proved fruitless, yet profitable, as later that week I received a letter from the police that said I could collect my bike, but that I would need to pay both recovery and storage charges. The charges were set out in a confusing document, but my basic understanding was that I would have to pay £150 for the recovery of my moped and £20 for each day the police had held it. It's fair to say that I was somewhat miffed to learn this. Not only had my moped been stolen, but the police were trying to rob me as well.

TOUR DE FRANCE Even Chris Froome has had a bit more luck on 2-wheels recently, after winning his second Tour de France, than I have. It is a truly monumental achievement to win such a gruelling event when you consider that it consists of 20 odd days cycling, 21 stages and some 3,360 kilometres in total, yet his achievements are even more impressive when you consider the adversity he faced along the way.

You see, the French public and press had alleged that it would have been impossible for Froome to generate such impressive power, given his weight, without the use of performance enhancing drugs. One spectator even became so enraged at the possibility of Froome being a drugs cheat that he threw a bottle of piss over him.

Personally speaking, I think the French are just sore losers. A few years ago I took part in a charity cycling event from London to Paris and it's definitely fair to say that they are cycling mad over there on the other side of the Channel. Their roads are packed with cyclists every weekend and both their weather and terrain is ideal for training the world's very best. Sadly for them though, this hasn't happened and they have had to endure over 30 years of hurt with the last French winner of Le Tour being Bernard Hinault way back in 1985.

The French do seem to be getting their own back in other ways

Billy Hinken though, such as by setting up refugee camps in and around the entrance to the Channel Tunnel and then reminding immigrants that the English streets are paved with gold and that trains depart every 30 minutes. Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves somewhere to live and they also have the right to be protected from the possible dangers they would face if they were to be sent back to their own country.

However, immigration is a burden that Europe must share together, so I think it is time for us to block the tunnel up. Either that or put all of the asylum seekers in a van and drop them off in Braintree. I am sure that after a day there they would be absolutely begging to go back to Syria.

Page 23

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MiBootcamp introduces Chelmsford’s first Boot Camp Assault Course

Colchester Trampoline Park to Launch Health Classes

MiBootcamp introduces Chelmsford’s first Boot Camp Assault Course that’s really fit for purpose.

After all, no one stands still at boot camp. It goes without saying that movement and exercise - and lots of it - is the name of the game.

But no boot camp should stand still either.

In order to stay ahead of the game, change, innovation and new ideas should be the constant watchwords and this entrepreneurial spirit is definitely alive and well at MiBootcamp, which recently celebrated 5 years under the leadership of fitness professional Russell Byham at the prestigious Little Channels location in Little Waltham.

With a growing membership and an already packed and exciting calendar of activities to keep his members literally on their toes, Russell decided earlier on this year to explore the possibilities of introducing a fixed assault course of bespoke designed obstacles.

After several months of planning and design consultations the MiBootcamp Obstacle Course opened in July to a rapturous reception from members and their families with an event that also included a junior session, the result of which was a flood of bookings for special kids party events as well as adult sessions.

The fixed course includes two climbing walls, a set of monkey bars, a double ramp and a scramble net as well as two net crawls and a double row of horizontal beams. There are also plans to introduce further obstacles at a later date.

“The obstacle course will form a vital part of our core MiBootcamp activities,” says Russell, “but at the same time children’s parties and corporate events will also be introduced, as well as the site being available for hire, under MiBootcamp’s supervision, for pre-season training and conditioning work for local amateur, and even professional, sports teams.”

More information is available on the MiBootcamp website www.mibootcamp.co.uk or by calling Russell personally on 07540 893 023

Jump Street, Colchester’s mega-popular trampoline park, opened just three months ago and has been warmly greeted by enthusiastic jumpers of all ages. Based within the Cowdray Centre, Jump Street has already vastly exceeded the team’s anticipated number of customers and has attracted rave reviews on social media.

The park was opened by Team GB Trampolinists Kat Driscoll and Joshua Newman who put the 20,000 square foot park through its paces, wowing onlookers with some truly impressive routines. In the first month alone the park welcomed over 10,000 customers who enjoyed the free-jump area, basketball nets, foam pit and dodgeball courts, plus many more spectators to its mezzanine café which boasts barista coffee, plus a range of hot and cold snacks.

Page 24

Jumping to Fitness

The health benefits of trampolining have been well documented. In fact, as early as 1980, NASA confirmed that 10 minutes bouncing on a trampoline was a more efficient cardiovascular workout than over 30 minutes of running. The report stated that: “For similar levels of heart rate and oxygen consumption, the magnitude of the biomechanical stimuli is greater with jumping on a trampoline than with running.”

Fittingly, Jump Street plans to expand the range of activities it offers by introducing a range of trampoline focused fitness classes this month.

Although the finer details are still to be confirmed, the team has shared their intention to introduce group classes in order to gauge popularity. The exact format and price has yet to be confirmed, but it is probable that from early September there will be morning classes three times a week.

Outside of the fitness classes, for which pricing is yet to be confirmed, current pricing for an hour’s session is just £10 although jumpers must also wear Jump Street non-slip socks which cost £1.75 but can be kept and reused on subsequent visits. Jumpers must be aged 5+.

Group bookings of 10 people or more attract a 10% discount.

Jump Street say: “We’ve had lots of enquiries about fitness classes already and we’re keen to respond to the demands of our customers.

The benefits of trampolining for fitness are well documented and we want to make it easy and comfortable for people who want effective, low impact aerobic exercise to use our facilities to get fitter and have some fun. We have some excellent instructors lined up to deliver interesting and enjoyable classes, so we can’t wait to get going this month.”

jumpstreet.co.uk

The Edge 077 646 797 44

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jumpstreet.co.uk 10/08/2015 15:12:34

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 16:41 Page 26

ONLY JOKING! A BIT FRUSTRATED

A husband and his wife went to see their doctor.

The doctor saw the husband first and the husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he was having trouble getting an erection and his wife was getting a bit frustrated with him.

So the doctor checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would now see his wife.

He took her to a cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around, slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the opposite direction, once again, slowly. Then he said, “OK, you can get dressed now. I will go and see your husband.”

So the doctor went into his other office where the husband was waiting for him and told him, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re fine. I couldn't get an erection either.”

LOVER’S LANE A cop was undertaking a night patrol in a wellknown lovers spot and very soon spotted a couple in a car, with the interior light glowing.

The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Inside he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He also immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and gently tapped on the driver's window.

"Um, yes, officer?" said the polite young man after he had lowered his window.

"What are you doing?" the cop asked.

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat, the cop said, "And what’s she doing?"

The young guy shrugs and says, "Well, what does it look like?"

Now the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night, in Lover’s Lane. And nothing obscene is happening?

"How old are you, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her....what's her age?"

The young guy looks at his watch and replies, “In another 11 minutes, she’ll be 18."

IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "Well, it could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

So on the golf course, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He got home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"Oh, that`s awful," said Frank. “But hey, it could have been worse."

"How in the hell could it have been any worse?” his angry friends remonstrated.

"Well," replied Frank, "if it really had have happened, I’d be dead as well."

WOODEN LEG A man and his wife moved back home to North Carolina from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas was $2,000 a year.

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, “$39.00.”

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in North Carolina when it would cost him $2,000 a year in Texas.

The agent turned to his computer screen and said, 'Well, it says: ‘Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it’ is $39.”

DILEMMA A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk.

So the first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man then rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor he could find, and screamed: "A man just walked out of here and dropped down dead! What should I do?"

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a moment, before suggesting, "Spin him around.

Make it look as if he was just coming in."

WETTER & WETTER As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. When I took it out, within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, ‘I need a new boat.’

PUSSY One December morning we found an old straggly cat at our front door and she was a truly sorry sight.

She was starving, skinny, dirty, smelling terrible, with hair all matted down. We felt so sorry for her. Well, I did. So we put her in a carrier bag and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we simply named her 'Pussy'.

The vet decided to keep her in for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and collect her.

My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.”

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted to keep the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet didn't see eye-to-eye right from the off.

I got a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can honestly barely walk, but on the plus side, whenever I ‘let Polly out’, the room smells absolutely lovely.

When he spoke to me on the ’phone thereafter, to keep me up to date with Pussy’s progress, the vet always called my husband ‘El-Cheapo' and my husband always referred to the vet 'ElCharge-O'.

They struck up a love-hate relationship and constantly sniped at one another.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor; who funnily enough was located in the building right next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room was full of people wanting to see the doctor.

It was a hot day and all of the windows were open. Spotting my husband in a million-to-one chance as he walked past, the vet leaned in and shouted out for all to hear, “Hey, your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed it and shaved it and now it smells just like a rose. Oh, and by the way, she's pregnant, but God only knows who the father is.”

POST TORTOISE An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward, having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery.

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most politicians are just 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Tortoise' was?

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a ‘Post Tortoise’."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued, "You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong up there.

He doesn't have a clue what to do while he's up there. He's been elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

OLD BLONDE GAG A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend when she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales."

"What makes you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids have just written on the window: "stit ruoy su wohs".

REMEMBER, REMEMBER I remember my Dad telling me that if I masturbate, I will go blind.

To which I replied, “I’m over here, Dad.”

FLASH BASTARD Two blokes are walking along a jungle track in Africa and see a huge crocodile ahead of them.

As the croc opens its mouth they see a man’s head inside.

One of the men says, “Look at that flash bastard ....he’s only gone and got himself a Lacoste sleeping bag.”

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 16:41 Page 27

Impartial Independent Whole of Market Mortgage Advice As a whole of market mortgage specialist based in Moulsham Street, David Lewis Mortgage Services can advise you and help take some of the stress and hassle out of finding a mortgage.

They are a highly knowledgeable whole of market mortgage brokers with over 40 years industry experience, who will search the UK lending market to find the most suitable deal to match your personal circumstances.

Once the right mortgage has been found, they will act on your behalf to make sure your application goes as smoothly as possible, dealing with the lender directly and helping to resolve any issues that arise quickly and without fuss.

David Lewis Mortgage Services have vast experience of all types of mortgage and will use their expertise to help you, whether you are buying your first flat, moving house, or just looking to remortgage to another lender for a better deal, or to raise money for home improvements etc.

As David Lewis Mortgage Services isn’t owned or affiliated with any particular mortgage lender, you can be assured that only the right mortgage will be recommended to you.

For many people, finding the right mortgage is rarely as straightforward as they would like it to be. The attractive headline rates advertised in newspapers may not actually be the best deals out there, whilst those rates might not even be available to you because of your credit history, the amount of deposit you have available, or for any number of other factors.

If you are looking to enter the Buy to Let market, or to expand an existing property portfolio, David Lewis Mortgage Services can help with that too. With access to specialist Buy to Let lenders, there is a large range of BTL mortgage options available that you no doubt won’t have come across simply from visiting the High Street banks.

David Lewis is qualified and approved to help those homeowners who are looking to raise money from the equity in their property. An Equity Release Lifetime Mortgage enables you to take cash from the equity built up in your property to help family, or simply improve lifestyle. Such mortgages are suitable for older homeowners who no longer want to make any monthly payments at all. The minimum age is typically 55 and specialist advice must be given.

Providing a friendly, professional mortgage advice service, David Lewis Mortgage Services will help you make better informed decisions and ensure you get the right mortgage to match your needs.

So contact David Lewis Mortgage Services now for your no charge, no obligation review. Appointments are available evenings and Saturdays mornings too.

Full written illustrations are also available.

Call 01245 267511 to arrange your appointment. mortgages@davidlewisinsurance.com

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01245 267511 We do not normally charge a fee as we are usually paid by the lender, however there may be a fee for mortgage advice. A typical fee is £199 on completion, but the precise amount will depend upon your circumstances and will be disclosed prior to any financial commitment.

YOUR HOME MAY BE REPOSSESSED IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP REPAYMENTS ON YOUR MORTGAGE

DAVID LEWIS CHARTERED FINANCIAL PLANNER FINANCIAL ADVISER & INDEPENDENT MORTGAGE BROKER

NO CHARGE OR OBLIGATION FOR YOUR INITIAL ENQUIRY DAVID LEWIS MORTGAGE SERVICES, 138 MOULSHAM STREET, CHELMSFORD CM2 0JT Authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority. Reg No:300229

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 27

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 16:42 Page 28

How MEN see the world

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Page 28

Yes, they really do give us ‘that look’ from time to time.

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The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 18:12 Page 29

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A day to celebrate the finer things in life, like food, drink, music and friends.

The term ‘Street Food’ relates to a relatively new concept in the UK. It has various influences and inspirations. However, it is generally considered to be artisan food sold on the streets, or more accurately, not served from restaurants or cafÊ’s. ‘Street food’ is big in London, but it has yet to hit our home city, until now!

Local Chelmsford company Sshhh Events Ltd. have selected a few street food vendors, local where possible, who will serve you their International culinary delights from some of the coolest, quirkiest vehicles you can ever dream of. For instance, just imagine a field full of edible 'Willy Wonker Wonderness’, set alongside various unique pop up boutique drinking bars?

How about a ‘Gin Garden’, cocktails served from a VW Camper Van, or 'Pimms on Pallets'? All set in the picturesque, open green space of Moulsham Mill, with background musical beats brought to you from local DJ's Dave Valentine and David Brooksbank.

It will surely be day for ALL ages to enjoy. Open from 2pm until 11pm.

Tickets are available in advance from Moulsham Mill, or can be purchased on the day at ÂŁ2 before 5pm and ÂŁ4 thereafter. Children under 12 free.

This event will be supported and broadcast by Chelmsford Community Radio and on-the-day donations will go towards supporting the charity InterAct. Keep updated at www.eat2thebeat.com

ER

Street Food comes to Chelmsford “Nothing arty, just a good old fashioned 'STREET FOOD' party!�

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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 29

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 26/08/2015 08:14 Page 30

PIXELS OF PERIL In an odd display of synchronicity I’ve literally just turned off my Playstation in order to stop procrastinating and get cracking with my Edge article, and what’s the first thing I find when I start looking for some material to write about?

Someone flogging an extremely dead horse and bleating on about how computer games are turning us all into violent, blood-crazed maniacs.

Only when I say ‘procrastinating’, what I really mean is I’ve just spent the last hour playing ‘The Witcher 3’ which involved such fun and family friendly activities as decapitating, disemboweling and even defenestrating several bandits, mounting a severed head on my saddle as a trophy and finally rounding the festivities off by picking up a wench from ye olde tavern for some of ye olde nookie, after which the game kindly rewarded me with a nudie picture of the wench in question.

In case the above hasn’t made it clear enough, then yes, the game is fantastic.

As avid readers may know, I’ve been a gamer for a very long time - over 30 years in fact - and gaming has always been, and probably always will be, my preferred way to while away an hour or two of my free time. Naturally over the course of my gaming career I’ve saved countless worlds (and blown a few to pieces as well), brought ancient prophecies to fruition and saved more damsels in distress than I care to remember. I’ve also flown gigantic starships through the cosmos, built entire civilisations and foiled dastardly plots like they were going out of fashion. I’ve also probably killed as many people as the holocaust in all manner of gruesome and sometimes hilarious ways.

So are computer games violent? Yes, they can be extremely violent. In fact, I’d say that the majority of them feature at least some form of violence, but it’s such a large part of the gaming industry that the combat mechanics can often make or break a game. Even the more child friendly stuff, like Mario, contains a lot of violence and when you think about it, one of the main features of those wildly popular games is actually making a podgy Italian plumber with a 70’s porno moustache kill things by stamping on their heads.

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports where you have to use an actual, functioning brain, a little thing called ‘evidence’ is required to back up any supposed ‘facts’, no matter how headline grabbing they might be. And the plain fact of the matter is that there simply isn’t any evidence to show, or even suggest, a direct correlation between playing violent video games and committing real acts of violence. In fact, you could argue that the available evidence actually refutes these preposterous claims. The video games industry is huge, with millions of us regularly playing games of all types, from flying X-Wings in ‘Star Wars’ to ploughing fields in ‘Farming Simulator 2015’.

No, I’m not making this up. Not only is ‘Farming Simulator’ an actual game, it was obviously popular enough to make 3 of them. That’s probably one of the few games without any violence in it (unless you’re a vegan or some other foolishness) and I imagine the closest you get to violence in ‘Farming Simulator’ is moaning about how you don’t have enough money while you decide which one of your 20 Land Rovers to drive about in.

(Sorry, I got side-tracked by the plight of the farmers there.) In 2011 the gaming industry was worth $18.6 billion and it’s

how about that?

Yes, computer games are violent, the same way that film, literature and a lot of entertainment mediums are, and if you think that violent films or books make people violent as well, then I’ll point you back to that little fact in the paragraph just gone while calling you an ‘idiot’ once again. People are violent for a whole host of reasons, each of which contributes towards the eventual - and always regrettable - violent outbursts that occur in the real world on a daily basis.

You can’t point the finger at one, two or even a dozen things and say ‘these are the things that make people violent’ as if banning them would suddenly stop violence forever. Life just isn’t that simple and neither are the people who live it. Of course I can understand how it might be comforting to delude yourself into thinking that we can one day banish violence in our society altogether if only we stopped playing ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and bludgeoning prostitutes for five minutes, but that doesn’t make it true.

In fact, such simplistic thinking always ends up doing more harm than good as it stops us looking at the real reasons human beings are violent, and if we’re not looking for the real reasons, then we’re not getting any closer to understanding it enough to possibly mitigate it. Notice I said ‘mitigate’, not ‘stop’. Violence is an unfortunate fact of life. Hell, I’d even go so far as to say that sometimes it’s a necessity. If I were to try and boil the

issue down to a single cause, I’d have to say that ‘people are violent because people are violent’. Humanity is a predatory species; we always have been and always will be. We didn’t get to the top of the food chain by eating lentils and singing ‘Kumbaya Me Lordy’ (or whatever it’s called) and we certainly wouldn’t stay at the top if that’s all we did.

Computer games are still seen (mistakenly so, as proven by yet more of that pesky evidence stuff) as something that kids play and what the whole ‘computer games make us violent’ herd are really trying to say is that kids today are turning into a feral pack of savages. Only this idiotic point of view isn’t anything new either, as pretty much every generation have bemoaned the fact that the youth of today - whatever day we’re talking about are basically Duran Durans’ ‘Wild Boys’ and they’re sending the world directly to hell in a handcart.

When I say this is nothing new, I mean that Plato and Socrates both voiced their concerns about the younger generation and they’ve even found inscriptions in Egyptian ruins moaning about how children were running wild and had no respect for authority. Therefore I’d strongly suggest that when you’re basically regurgitating slogans from a few thousand years ago, then maybe, just maybe, it’s time to get some new material.

If you really have an axe to grind against computer games specifically, then why not at least have the decency to address some of the real problems with the industry, such as its woeful representation of women?

Women in computer games are almost always there to be rescued, little more than a prize for all that immensely enjoyable killing the hero does, or they’re there as pixelated entries into the teenage spank-bank. In any other entertainment medium, such misogynistic and archaic views would be rightly derided but, somehow, in computer games, it’s still supposedly OK to reduce women to such a base level, and I’d argue that’s a dangerously pernicious message to drip-feed our children.

And before someone brings up the cultural phenomenon that was Lara Croft as a beacon of female empowerment in gaming, let me ask you this: was she so popular because she was a strong, resourceful woman, or because the team of men who designed her gave her a nice arse and a juicy big pair of tits?

“Hey, it’s-a-me, Mario...the mass murderer!”

Computer games being violent isn’t really up for debate as they just are, almost overwhelmingly so. But the question that has been asked over and over again is whether they can actually make us violent? If you answered ‘yes’ to that question, then congratulations, because you are what the scientific community terms a ‘stupid idiot’. The thing that always trips the idiots up is that, in the real world, Page 30

predicted that by the end of this year it’ll be worth over $90 billion, which is a huge amount of growth in such a short period.

The gaming industry has grown year on year with more and more of us enjoying the pleasures of pixilated murder. Surely if games made us violent, then violent crime would have risen at the same time?

What’s that you say? Societal violence is at a 40 year low? Well, bless my soul,

Behold the Double-D’s Of Empowerment!

The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 26/08/2015 08:53 Page 31

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Page 31

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BIZARRE NEWS

EP MC8;O EPMA8BPA Tel: 01245 905 805 www.webwax.co.uk www.twitter/ webwaxdesign www.facebook.com/ webwaxdesign 26 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SW

WATCH WHO YOU SHARE YOUR MASCARA WITH Watch who you share your mascara with, or seriously, this could happen.

This horrible, horrible photograph shows a close-up of a phthiriasis insect crawling on someone’s eyelash.

And if that’s not bad enough, ladies, there’s a fair few more creepy crawlies writhing around in there too.

This ‘disgustingness’ could honestly be happening in your eyelashes right now. However, whilst such critters may look scary, such phthiriasis are totally harmless, which is somewhat of a relief.

But they do have an appetite for both blood and skin, and sadly, there’s no easy cure, so you’ll need to get them removed by a doctor, or take antibiotics.

Thinking about it, best you also contact The Lash Lady (see page 31) for the correct mascara in the first place!

THE LOWEST FORM OF WIT? Sarcasm can make people three times more creative, a study has found.

Don’t let people tell you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, because people who employ it - by saying the opposite of the truth to get a laugh or make a point - are actually brighter and more creative.

Researchers from US graduate business schools (including Harvard) hosted a series of experiments to analyse how the comments affected our creativity. After some bizarre and tricky tests, such as lighting a candle and attaching it to a wall without letting wax drip onto the floor, the study found that both saying and hearing sarcastic comments benefited the creative process.

Lead researcher Dr Li Huang-Wang said: “We found that sarcasm may stimulate creativity, the generation of ideas, insights or problem solutions that are novel and useful. As Oscar Wilde believed, sarcasm may represent a lower form of wit, but we found that it certainly catalyses a higher form of thought process.”

During the experiments, 300 people performed the candle task after both making and receiving sarcastic comments. Their level of creativity was then measured and the study found 64% of the participants who made sarcastic comments were able to think of a creative solution and complete the task successfully, whilst those who bore the brunt of sarcastic remarks did even better with 75% finishing the task.

So there!

YOUR MUSICAL TASTES CAN REVEAL YOUR PERSONALITY Researchers at some boffin university or other have discovered that the music you listen to reveals traits about your personality.

For instance, empathetic people are apparently far more likely to enjoy someone/anyone singing ‘Hallelujah’, whilst ‘systemisers’ (those who understand systems, rules and logic) are far more likely to enjoy punk and heavy metal.

And where Olly Murs is concerned, perhaps he’s already the end product of several years’ attempts to musically satisfy the ‘bland halfwit’ personality type.

Then again, who’s the one driving around in a Bentley?

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There have been many times over the years of living here in the States, be it on the east or west coast, that the question of home has come to mind. Where is home?

Is it where you live now, or where you came from? Or maybe the place you grew up? Then again, it could simply be wherever you feel you fit in and are comfortable in your own skin.

Like many (most?) things in life, there’s no simple black and white answer to the question. It depends on who you are talking to and the context of the conversation.

Within the last few years I have used the word ‘home’ to mean San Diego, New York, London, the USA generally and the UK ditto. All of them count as home for different reasons.

There are a few signs that you have adapted to a new country though. For example, it’s taken years, but when crossing the road now the initial and instinctive look is to the left, not the right. Another one. I can pronounce it ‘tomayto’ without wincing. One more example? OK. If I’m expecting a service man, I have absolute confidence he’ll turn up when he says he will. All these are good indicators that I’ve evolved, Darwinesque, to my new surroundings and culture.

However, there is one thing that until recently had not happened. This is not an experience you really want, but you just know it will come your way sooner or later because every American has encountered it at least once. Ticking this particular box therefore felt like a rite of passage that said, “Welcome, man, you are one of us now.”

CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’

by Steve Ward

RITE OF PASSAGE I got stopped by a traffic cop.

It happened just like in the movies. You see the flashing lights in your mirror and hear the woop-woop sound. So, you pull into the kerb and sit there awaiting the face at the window. You get a flashback from a thousand film scenes at this point will he find the blood soaked body in the boot? I’m kidding, of course, but you get the picture. Just in case though, you keep your hands on the steering wheel where he can see them, because that’s what they do on TV, right?

The cop is politeness personified. “Good morning, sir. Did you know you failed to come to a complete stop at the non-functioning traffic signals back there?” Well, as it happens, yes I did. As soon as I was

half way through the junction I knew I’d screwed up. What’s more, I caught the cop out of the corner of my eye and expected the worst. It was bad luck that there was someone from the local Sheriff’s office there to see me, but it woz definitely me wot dun it, guv’nor.

The cop takes my driving license and the car registration I have furnished as requested and goes back to his vee-hicle to check all is in order. Apart from the not stopping bit, it is, and he hands me back my documents and a little yellow ticket and with a cheery “Drive safely, sir” he’s on his way.

OK, no big deal you think, but then on closer inspection, it all gets a bit scary.

I have had to sign on the bottom that I

accept the ticket which tells me I must attend a court hearing on a specific date and time three months hence. Court? For a minor traffic violation? Yes, that’s what it says. And the ticket uses the word ‘bail’.

Blimey, this is serious stuff. Have I got to find a Bail Bond man - another staple character from the movies?

Well, of course, it isn’t really that serious because on further reading of the small print it turns out to be just another example of what George Bernard Shaw described as two nations divided by a common language. Bail in this context and in this part of the world is a synonym for fine.

Assuming you don’t want to challenge the ticket, you simply pay the fixed fee online, it’s recorded on your official driving record and that’s that. You do Google all this to make sure you have the story straight, of course, because nobody wants to fall foul of US officialdom. That way lies much anguish and pain.

Anyway, to finish this, let’s change tack a bit. We’ve been contemplating US justice here and isn’t it absolutely brilliant that the FBI have had the balls to do what Europe has signally failed to over the decades and gone after all those bent bastards at FIFA? You just hope they are saving a special and very public ceremony for the arrest of Blatter himself and that sooner or later he finds himself in a Mississippi jail with a long line of very large men waiting to, er…show him some affection.

And on that happy thought, I’m off to pay my fine. It’s feckin’ huge, by the way.

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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TOTALLY TRACIE AS TIME GOES BY

You’ve all probably heard or seen the App that calculates how much time you have left on earth, based on health, wealth, job and your parents and siblings. But would you really want it ticking away on your phone or computer, counting down the days? They claim it is pretty accurate to within a year or so and apparently millions have already downloaded it in anticipation of their final destination. Me? I’m way too much of a chicken to do it.

However, timing - as the saying goes - is everything! A scientific study is proving just how important timing is and how it governs our emotions and the way we function.

For instance, apparently the best time to have sex is 5.48am. Men and women supposedly only have a very small window of opportunity when our hormones are in alignment with each other. Being a bit of +66 >23= a night owl, I’m not sure I’d8.agree >with that as in the morning my hormones are not of this planet and I cannot honestly function until I've downed at least 2 cups of coffee.

Get this - the time you are most likely to be murdered is 6.09am.

Apparently more murders are committed at this time than any other time of day.

You’re most likely to have a heart attach at 6.33am (probably from waking up a grumpy person for sex!). Apparently the last phase of sleep is when your heart beats the fastest and you’re far more likely to suffer from heart failure.

The best time to weigh yourself is 7.40am. Just after waking up, going to the loo and before you touch a morsel of food. Apparently people who do that maintain their weight better than those who don’t.

You are at your happiest at 8.00am.

What? Not in my house, particularly if I've been woken up for sex and then jumped on the scales and found I’m heavier than the day before. But most of us are seemingly up and dressed and feeling good about the day ahead by 8:00am.

You are most likely to die at 11.00am. Yep, if you’re reading this at just before 11:00am, hurry up as

you may not finish it in time. A study has shown that people are more likely to ‘kick the bucket’ at 11:00am than any other time of day.

We need at nap at 12.37pm. Well, I guess if you’ve made it this far, who wouldn’t need a nap?

Apparently our bodies slump at this particular time and a nap is shown to significantly improve our output.

Only try telling that to your boss when they catch you snoring at your desk!

The best time to visit the dentist is 2:00pm. Local anaesthetic lasts three times longer when administered mid-afternoon. Scientists do not have an explanation for this, but its thought to be due to the body’s energy process being diverted to other areas.

You’re unlikely to impress at 4.41pm. Not a good time to go for a job interview or a blind date then.

Apparently it’s the time when our brains work the least and we have trouble making clever conversation.

Ladies are most likely to get pregnant at 6.25pm. Yes, straight after work and before cooking dinner is the best time to ‘get down’ and make a baby, although personally I’d rather make spaghetti bolognaise. ,C We come up with all our best ideas at 10.51pm. Who researches this stuff? Apparently it’s the time of day when our brains stop processing and our mind wanders, thus allowing us to develop our most creative thoughts. My mind never stops wandering!

11.00pm is the best time to go to bed as that’s the time our bodies start shutting down ready for sleep.

It takes, on average, 14 minutes to go from putting our heads on the pillow to actually falling asleep.

Lastly, 4.36am is the time most babies are born. The melatonin in a woman’s body is at its lowest and our bodies and brains are in a more relaxed state and we feel a lowered sense of pain. May I suggest you do not try telling that to any pregnant woman in the delivery room or you may find yourself fulfilling the 6.09am prophecy - yes, ‘the most likely time to be murdered’!

HATCH, MATCH, DESPATCH Going to the mat and finding a pile of birthday cards used to be a cause for excitement. Not anymore.

The majority of us now send greetings and commiserations through the airwaves. Texting and Facebook has dealt the killer blow for greetings cards.

Even sympathy cards are on the % downward trend, with more people texting to express their condolences. Only the more creative amongst us sends E-Cards with the majority sending a text instead.

Within the next 10 years sending cards will, it seems, become a thing of the past. I love the internet, but to me there are just some things you need to put pen-to-paper.

Tracie123@aol.com

The Edge 227_The Edge 172.qxd 25/08/2015 11:05 Page 35

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