1587

November 2014 Issue 1587 tntmagazine.com

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A 10-DAY TRIP TO SYDNEY!

BE A MERMAID FOR A DAY And other cool but useless skills to learn on holiday

YOUR XMAS GIFT LIST All compact or flat so they’re easily posted or packed

THIS IS LONDON An expat’s take on learning to love this city

’ L E G N A Y O B D A B ‘ I’D BE A

the afterlife & s ie g r o , their new film n o i it it a W a ent & Taik Jemaine Clem

+ SWEET SARDINIA MOON WALKING IN CHILE BORDEAUX WEEKENDER WORK IN CANADA

ISSUE 1587/ 1578/ £1.95

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OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, THE UK’s LEADING MOVERS EXCESS BAGGAGE n FREE supply of cartons, tape and bubble wrap n FREE delivery/collection within M25 n Delivery/collection throughout the UK and EU n By sea/air/road worldwide n Money Back Guarantee n Discounted Tax Rebates, only 10% commission n Money transfers, every fifth transfer FREE

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EDITORIAL Editor Caroline Garnar Contributors Michael Gadd l Andrew Westbrook l Chelsea Moore l Stephanie Palmer EDITORIAL ENQUIRIES 0203 011 1066 SALES/MARKETING/EVENTS Sales Executive Matt Syder PHONE 0207 9890491 EMAIL matt.syder@tntmagazine.com For all general enquiries please call 0207 989 0567 or email sales@tntmagazine.com DESIGN / PRODUCTION Head of design and production Lisa Ferron PHONE 01225 284107 EMAIL lisa.ferron@tntmagazine.com SUBSCRIPTIONS / DISTRIBUTION Manager Caroline Penn PHONE 01603 559004 EMAIL caroline.penn@tntmagazine.com ACCOUNTS Emma Overton EMAIL emma.overton@tntmagazine.com STARTRACK MEDIA LTD Directors Kevin Ellis, Ken Hurst Stuart Bidgood PUBLISHER Startrack Media Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune Street, London E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com

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FROM THE EDITOR

I love my job. Like most people, though, I have good days and bad days; but when the good days involve heading to the iconic Somerset House to spend half an hour chatting with Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi, it’s hard to complain. Particularly when the conversation evolves into a debate about whether they would rather be Shmoo from Scooby Doo or John Travolta’s angel in Micheal... see page 16 for the full extent of the interview madness.

I have a similar relationship with London. Some days it feels like the best city on Earth. Others, it feels so overwhelming I can hardly breath (especially when it’s because I’m crammed onto a Tube carriage with my face in someone’s armpit).

Aussie Jono Cusack, who has now moved back Down Under, reflects on his time in the Big Smoke on page 26. From eating the leftovers when he worked behind a bar to making beer bongs out of vacuum cleaners, I think that many of us can relate to Jono’s story of learning to survive in this here city, even daring to one day call yourself ‘a Londoner’.

If you are feeling the need to escape, turn to our Travel section where you can get tips on enjoying a surprisingly holiday-like non-holiday in Norfolk (p46). Or be inspired to go further afield and tuck into Sardinia (p52), explore Switzerland (p60), or stop by the vineyards and châteaux of Bordeaux (p56). You could even visit another planet, or feel that way at least, by planning your trip to the Moon-like landscape of the Atacama Desert in Chile (p64).

Of course, at this time of year, we can’t ignore the ‘C-word’, especially as we need to start our shopping early thanks to having to ship our gifts to the other side of the world (if only Santa would lend us his sleigh). With this in mind, we have pulled together the ideal shopping list on page 20, where all the gifts are flat or compact, making them easy to post or pack. Handy.

Right, I’m off for an adrenalin-filled weekend in Wales for a feature in December’s issue. Yes, today is another good day...

caroline.garnar@tntmagazine.com

Xmas & NYE in London Adventure in Wales

Lap it up in Lapland

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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THIS MONTH LONDON DIARY 8 LONDON INSIDER

12

FOOD 14

56

DRINK 15 CHATROOM

30

TNT NEWS

31

TRAVEL TOP 5: UNUSUAL ACTIVITIES 34 TRAVEL BITES

38

UK TRIP: NORWICH

46

FESTIVAL: ST PATRICK’S 50 EURO TRIP: SARDINIA 52 WEEKENDER: BORDEAUX

16

56

GUIDE TO: SWITZERLAND 60

ON THE COVER

BIG TRIP: CHILE

‘I’D

64

TRAVEL TIPS 70 HOTSHOTS 72 LATE DEALS 74

BE A BAD BOY ANGEL’ 16

Interview: Jemaine Clement & Taika Waititi

YOUR XMAS GIFT LIST

20

We’ve sorted your shopping for you

THIS IS LONDON

26

An expat on learning to love this city

SPORT

BE A MERMAID FOR A DAY 34

ROUND-UP 78

And other cool but useless skills to learn

JARRYD HAYNE SWITCH 80

SWEET SARDINIA

LIFESTYLE

BORDEAUX WEEKENDER 84

LIVING: HOUSEMATE QU’S

86

DESPERATELY SEEKING 90 CLASSIFIEDS 89 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Cheese, wine and squatting in Sardinia

56

Pedal your way to delicious drunkeness

CAREERS: CAMP CANADA

4

52

MOON WALKING IN CHILE

64

Another planet or the Atacama Desert?

WORK IN CANADA Join Camp Canada for the summer

84

64

Send sensational gifts home to South Africa this Christmas!

Photo courtesy of Marc Henrich Go

www.SilverRibbon.co.za

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26

60 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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THIS MONTH’S TOP PICKS LORD MAYOR’S SHOW Nov 8

JA JA JA FESTIVAL Nov 13-15

Forget Boris, this 799-year-old annual flamboyant display is all about the new Lord Mayor of the City. There’s a river pageant before the main procession kicks off at 11am, then fireworks at 5.15pm.

The Nordic cultural invasion continues with the return of this festival celebrating the food and music of the region. The two-day event is being headlined by Icelandic singer Emiliana Torrini, plus there’s a chance to see Bjork’s new film Biophilia: Live.

From 8.30am Procession starts from Mansion House Bank lordmayorsshow.london

Times vary The Lexington & Queen Mary Uni Angel & Mile End jajajamusic.com/festival

£10+

FREE

THIS MONTH’S MUST-DO SKATE AT SOMERSET HOUSE Nov 11-Jan 11 Yes, winter is truly here. But instead of starting your hibernation, embrace the ice and get your skates on. The grand open-air courtyard of historic Somerset House is once again being transformed into an ice rink, where you can slide away your days or even get your groove on for one of the late-night DJ sessions.

£7.50

Warming up for the ‘Iron Lotus’

HYPER JAPAN Nov 14-16 Give your festive shopping a Far Eastern twist this year with these massive Japanese Christmas markets. While stocking up on everything from toys to crafts and tableware, you’ll also have the chance to knock back some sake and sushi, while enjoying shows from the latest J-pop starlets.

Times vary National Hall, Olympia, W14 Olympia hyperjapan.co.uk

£12+

8

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Strand, WC2R 1LA

LONDON JAZZ FESTIVAL Nov 14-23

somersethosue.org.uk

LE SHOP Nov 16

WESTFIELD ICE RINK Nov 20–Jan 4

One of the world’s top jazz fests is back for its 22nd year, with another 10 days of big names and rising stars playing at stacks of venues across the capital. Top acts announced so far include Dr John, Hot Sardines, Dee Dee Bridgewater and the Branford Marsalis Quartet.

Vinyl fanatics will want to spin over to this independent electronic music pop-up record shop and artists’ showcase. There will be the chance to meet label owners, producers and DJs, plus buy vinyl of course, all while the likes of Rose Ryot keep the decks warm. Oh, and there will be cocktails.

Take a break from the shopping to hit the ice on the indoor rink that takes over Westfield’s Atrium space.

There will be DJ performances, special penguin stabilisers for kids that we’re excited about having a go on ourselves, plus cheap off-peak sessions from noon until 4pm most days.

Times vary Various Various efglondonjazzfestival.org.uk

2pm–late Stage 3, Hackney Empire, E8 Hackney tinyurl.com/ma4n3ee

From 10am Ariel Way, W12 7GF Shepherd’s Bush, Wood Lane uk.westfield.com

FREE+

FREE

£7+

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TNT have teamed up with KOKO and we are giving you the chance to win VIP tickets for you and 12 friends to see Australia’s DMA’S play their UK debut show on Friday 14 November. The lucky winner and their group will get tickets to the show, along with access to the VIP area, priority entrance plus a case of Red Stripe for the party.

KOKO.uk.com

LONDON WINTER FESTIVAL

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Nov 20-23

Food fever hits the East End as the capital’s top chefs, restaurants and cocktail makers unite for four days of gourmet extravagence. With this year’s ‘Forgotten Foods’ theme celebrating culinary heritage, there will be expert showcases and masterclasses, plus plenty of sampling opportunities. £19+

Times vary Tobacco Dock, Shoreditch, E1W 2SF Wapping, Shadwell london.tastefestivals.com

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

THE PANDA RIOT Nov 28

Nov 22

Photos: Getty, supplied

DMA’S £1.50

FRIDAY DRINKS*

AT

10PM - 11.30PM

Standard 10km runs simply don’t do it for you any more? Then this should offer more of a challenge. Billed as mud, sweat and beers, this obstacleladen event in and around Wembley Stadium features massive scaffolds, water slides, a ‘Parkour’ zone and more.

This has to be the definitive cheap and cheerful night out. Offering an alternative to the glitzy ever-present panel show names of bigger comedy clubs, this night of punk stand-up not only offers plenty of alternative laughs, but also lets you bring your own booze.

From 9am Wembley Park, HA9 0WS Wembley Park mhsurvival.co.uk

From 7.30pm 71a Leonard St, EC2A 4QS OId Street tinyurl.com/l85qeqm

£10

£65

UK DEBUT

BECK’S BOTTLES ARCHERS & MIXER

PLUS DJ THE AMAZONICA (DIRTY HARRY) DJ ALANA B DEVOTION

FRIDAY 14 NOVEMBER / 10PM-4AM

TICKETS £5 ADV / KOKO.UK.COM / 0844 847 2258

FOLLOW US: KOKOLONDON @KOKOLONDON DMAsDMAs @DMASMUSIC *Valid from 7 November - 14 November / Strictly Over 18s only

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The Podfather himself, Mr Richard Herring

Made in Dagenham: Gemma Arterton gets feisty, 60s-style

COMEDY NIGHTS

EXHIBITIONS

THEATRE

RICHARD HERRING NOV 3, 10, 17 & 24 / 7.30PM / £16.50 Catch the live recording of the brilliant weekly podcast. Herring’s special comic guests this month include Al Murray and Stewart Lee.

DAMIEN HIRST: SCHIZOPHRENOGENESIS ENDS NOV 15 / FREE The poster boy of ‘90s Brit Art is approaching his 50s now and has returned to one of his favourite themes for this exhibition – pharmaceuticals.

WHITE CHRISTMAS ENDS JAN 3 / £38.75+ Get into the seasonal spirit early with the West End premiere of the stage version of Irving Berlin’s 1954 classic feel-good musical.

Leicester Square Theatre 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX Square

Leicester

leicestersquaretheatre.com

Paul Stolper Gallery 31 Museum St, WC1A 1LH Holborn paulstolper.com

LEWIS SCHAFFER: AMERICAN IN LONDON NOV 6, 13, 23 & 30 / £10 The controversial comic and self-described “lazy Woody Allen” has a go at England in this surprisingly cheap show.

THE INSTITUTE OF SEXOLOGY: UNDRESS YOUR MIND FROM NOV 20 / FREE A candid exploration of erotica, sex toys and the pioneers of studying sex, such as Sigmund Freud.

Leicester Square Theatre

Wellcome Collection

6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX Square

Leicester

leicestersquaretheatre.com

183 Euston Rd, N1 2BE Angel

Dominion Tottenham Court Road, W1T 7AQ Court Rd

Tott

whitechristmasmusical.co.uk

HERE LIES LOVE ENDS JAN 8 / £15+ David Byrne and Fatboy Slim’s New York hit musical transforms the National into a pulsating disco to tell the story of Imelda Marcos.

Dorfman at the National South Bank, SE1 9PX

Waterloo

nationaltheatre.org.uk

wellcomecollection.org

KING GONG NOV 24 / 8PM / £8 New comics do their best until the gongmeister sends them on their way.

POST POP: EAST MEETS WEST FROM NOV 26 / FREE Examining the Pop Art movement and its surprising influence on Chinese and Soviet art.

MADE IN DAGENHAM ENDS MAR 28 / £25+ Gemma Arterton heads the cast in Richard Bean’s musical adaptation of the popular 2010 film set in the 60s. Rupert Goold directs.

Comedy Store

Saatchi Gallery

Adelphi

1a Oxendon St, SW1Y 4EE

King’s Road, SW3 4RY

Strand, WC2R 0NS

Piccadilly Circus

Sloane Square

madeindagenhamthemusical.com

10

thecomedystore.co.uk

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saatchigallery.com

Charing Cross

Photos: Alex James, Getty

The Simians are setting up home in Shoreditch

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CLUB NIGHTS

GIGS

SIMIAN MOBILE DISCO NOV 1, 8, 15, 22 & 29 / 9PM / £13.50+ Rave giants Simian Mobile Disco are the latest big name residents to tear it up at Shoreditch’s XOYO for a 12-week stretch, bringing with them the sounds of their new album Whorl. They’ll be joined by DJ Mark E.

DAMIEN RICE NOV 7 / 7PM / £45+ It’s been quite a while since we’ve seen Mr Rice around. Eight years, in fact, since his sophomore album 9 hit the charts, and a whopping 12 since O wowed listeners. His long-awaited follow-up is due out this month and hopes are high.

XOYO

London Palladium

32 Cowper St, EC2A 4AP

8 Argyll St, W1F 7TF

Old Street

Oxford Circus

xoyo.co.uk

londonpalladium.org

WATCH THIS

La Roux’s Jackson ponders the solo life

BONFIRE NIGHT St Vincent: aka singer/songwriter Annie Clark THE HYDRA: 2014 SERIES NOV 8, 22, 28 & 29 / 10PM / £10+ Now with a permanent home that doubles as a top photographic studio by day, Hydra brings some of the biggest names in techno to town.

LA ROUX NOV 12 / 7PM / £19.50 Two may have become one, but remaining bandmember Elly Jackson is doing the name proud with her synthpop sounds.

Studio Spaces E1

O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire

110 Pennington St, E1W 2BB

Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT

Shadwell

Shepherd’s Bush

the-hydra.net

o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

GORGON CITY NOV 15 / 8PM / £17.50 Catch the highly rated house duo, made up of Kye “Foamo” Gibbon and Matt “RackNRuin” Robson-Scott, as they take time out from producing the likes of the Klaxons.

The Forum

DAMON ALBARN NOV 15 & 16 / 7PM / £30+ The Blur and Gorillaz frontman goes solo for his first proper shows in the capital for years, with songs from his album Everyday Robots.

Royal Albert Hall

Remember, remember, the fifth of November. The whole country goes fireworks crazy on Bonfire Night as part of a tradition dating back to Guy Fawkes’ foiled Gunpowder Plot in 1605. Fireworks displays, with bonfires and burnings of Guy Fawkes effigies, are taking place on the night or surrounding weekends all over London. Here are our faves.

Note, you’ll need tickets in advance.

ALEXANDRA PALACE Lighting up the north London skies on Nov 1 with a fantastic panoramic view of the capital as a backdrop.

There’s also an ice rink, craft beer tent, funfair and more. Entrance is £9, but you’ll need to buy tickets sharpish. alexandrapalace.com

Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP

9 Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY

South Kensington

Kentish Town

royalalberthall.com

theforumlondon.com

A NIGHT IN PARADISE NOV 30 / 4PM-MIDNIGHT / £20+ Coinciding with World AIDS Day, a selection of US legends and UK figures bring the Paradise Garage to London, hoping to raise £20,000.

ZAHARA NOV 30 / 7PM / £25 Catch the award-laden South African and her seven-piece band as she sings in both English and her native Xhosa in this one-off show.

Ministry of Sound

O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire

103 Gaunt St, SE1 6DP

Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT

Elephant & Castle

Shepherd’s Bush

ministryofsound.com

o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

BATTERSEA PARK Expect colourful pyrotechnics set to music, and a Battersea Power Station backdrop, at this big bonfire bash on Nov 8. £8+ ticketmaster.co.uk BROCKWELL PARK, LAMBETH Join the Lords of Lightning, a human Catherine wheel and a 7m-high bonfire at this mammoth Nov 5 display. £7 eventlambeth.co.uk

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LONDONINSIDER TRYTHIS

IN ASSOCIATION WITH

Swingers crazy golf Want a first date with a difference? Google ‘Swingers London’. If you’re so inclined, scroll down to the numerous swinging clubs to find out more – although I think you might scare your date off. Instead, try clicking on swingerslondon. co.uk, which will take you to the site for the Swingers crazy golf pop-up held in the Royal Shoreditch Clubhouse (make a note of this as it’s not listed on the website).

Inside, the space has been converted into a putting green, with a makeshift clubhouse complete with maroon-painted walls, wall-mounted golf clubs and a well-stocked bar. Enjoy a drink while you wait for your time slot (warning: on a weekend a lot of that time will be spent queuing at the bar, although they do reward patient types with a free shot of sambucca) and then make your way to the mini golf course, which is more pleasantly unusual than full-out crazy.

White picket fences, felt grass, sandy bunkers, foliage, wooden windmills and obstacles unfold across the nine holes.

To prevent huge hold-ups you are only allowed six putts each, and most can be done in two or three – at least, that’s what the score sheet says. We averaged around four... most of the time.

If you can’t find yourself a date, DoingSomething is hosting a big singles night at Swingers on November 4. Tickets cost

MYLONDON

from £11. See doingsomething.co.uk/swingersdating for details and to book.

With club anthems pumping through the speakers, booze a-plenty and golf that gets you smiling more than shouting in competitive rage, it’s a great spot for a first date. Just remember to click on the right website... By Caroline Garnar £3 entry, golf £8 if you book online in advance. Royal Shoreditch Clubhouse, 13 Hearn Street, EC2A 3LS swingersldn.co.uk

When I want to chill out I… Love going for dinner with friends, and trying new places each time.

The most interesting person I’ve met in London is…

Lara Stone. Beautiful, funny, humble. Such a pleasure to train her at Bodyism.

My favourite restaurant in London is…

Berners Tavern in the new Edition Hotel. It’s a fantastic restaurant in a stunning room with a million artworks all over the walls – well maybe not a million, but you get the idea.

My favourite spot in London is…

Shoreditch House’s pink couches.

My perfect weekend in London would be…

Food shopping – and taste testing – at my local organic markets, an outdoor workout or Jivamukti yoga session, dinner with friends – preferably at a new restaurant – and for sure lots of cooking in my kitchen.

What I love most about London is…

The people. I love meeting people from all over the globe all in one place. Never gets old!

People always have an interesting story if you make time to hear it.

Five words that sum up London are…

Food, friends, family, fun, FREEZING! bodyism.com

TEGAN HAINING AUSSIE PERSONAL TRAINER AT BODYISM 12

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BITE SIZE

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MEATY TREATS

BEST ROAST DINNER We’ve XXXXX fallen for the classic English

Sunday roast, and apparently the one Xxxxxxxx at Truscott Arms in Maida Vale can’t be[web] beat. The pub’s roast impressed mystery diners with its fine quality, locally sourced ingredients, honey XXXXX roasted root vegetables, crispy Xxxxxxxx rosemary and garlic roast potatoes and flavoursome gravy, leading it to [web] be awarded Best British Roast Dinner 2014 during British Roast Dinner Week XXXXX last month. Tuck in!

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STEAK & LOBSTER PLEASE! Got Champagne taste on a beer money budget? You’re in luck as The Jam Tree Clapham is offering a matured 28-day aged Longhorn steak or a fresh whole grilled lobster, both served with garlic butter, French fries and salad, for just £19.50. One of each please sir! thejamtree.com/clapham

VQ 24-hour cafe and diner, Bloomsbury (also in Chelsea)

It has more than its fair share of nightlife, but London has never been known as the city that never sleeps. It is, however, the land of the all-day breakfast, and VQ is on hand to ensure you can have your full English, eggs Benedict, or even muesli 24 hours a day. The diner is lit with neon and walls feature time-based quotes and clock motifs. To remind you there’s no rush, I suppose. Daily papers are provided and there’s a choice of comfy booths or tables by the enormous window where you can watch the world go by, day or night.

THE GRUB A huge menu allows for a delightful mishmash of dinner, brekkie and wine. We began with a sharing starter of truffled crisps with a blue cheese dip that had me sticking my finger in it once the crisps had gone. There are a surprising number of veggie options, and I settled on the full meat-free breakfast – something tricky to get right. No animal substitutes here, just fresh mushrooms and spinach, perfect eggs, loads of beans and miniature hash browns. In stark contrast, my carnivorous other half opted, predictably, for the steak. I’m no expert, but I’m assured that it was a quality rib-eye cut, free from fatty bits and full of flavour. We hoovered our respective meals up but luckily still had room for dessert, a traditional banoffee pie almost as good as mum used to make, and a warm and gooey chocolate brownie with a generous dollop of ice cream.

BEHIND THE BAR Traditionally the realm of cappuccino and orange juice, this breakfast comes with espresso martinis, complete with a teeny jug of cream to taste. A smooth and heady Pinot Noir goes peculiarly well with egg and beans, but virgin cocktails and smoothies cater to those actually dining at breakfast time.

BILL PLEASE Starters are£2.50 to £9.95, cooked breakfasts from£4.50. Other mains start at £9.50, steak is £19.95. Desserts from £4.95.

VERDICT Whatever you fancy, you’ll find it here. It’s relaxed without compromising on food or service, and while it may set you back more than a 2am kebab, you’ll certainly remember it in the morning. By Stephanie Palmer THE SCENE

Photos: supplied by VQ and The Blues Kitchen

THE CARNIVORE CLUB For true meat eaters, The Blues Kitchen has started a weekly carnivore club at both the Camden and recently opened Shoreditch restaurants. Featuring unusual and exotic meats, sourced from across the US, a series of special one-off menu items aims to give dedicated meat eaters and culinary adventurers a taste of something truly different. Eager eaters have already tried a python burger and moose steak, while November 4 sees a cajun alligator tail fillet served up, and you can tuck into a bison steak on November 11.

All dishes are £12.50. theblueskitchen.com

111A Great Russell Street, WC1B 3NQ

14

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Tottenham Court Road

vq24hours.com

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LiFestYLeMONEY LONDONDRINKS

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cash saVers DOODLE BAR

how You spEnd iT

Bar and event space, Battersea

Dreams come brew keiSha herBert, 24 We all know that JoB Market researcher Doodle Bar in Battersea has the air of a good pop-up: it’s tucked away pounding headache from FroM Leeds intoo a hidden space; there’s a buzz of creativity with blackboard forGreen much industrial cheap bubbly LiveS walls Bethnal scribbles (or, rather, doodles) and original artwork for sale; sizzling street-food the night before. Well vendors feed hungry punters; and there’s a chilled-out ‘beach’ area anddo ping-pong this year your dream of How you budget? tables.

But, unlike pop-ups that pop-down again and leave wanting, waking upthankfully, hangover-free Afterus monthly expenses and can become a reality with adding a bit my savings, Doodle Bar is here to stay.

There are, though, pop-up events and exhibitions into the 50% off space a stellar bottle I tryAlsop to set –myself TESTBED1 behind it – created by world-renowned architect Will such a weekly champagne. spending amount.

It can be asofscreen printing Usually workshops and life drawing classes. Talking of which, don’t be costing £29.75, Heidsieck when surprised if you spot some clever sort being ‘creative’ and drawingdifficult a big cock on some weeks Blue Top is £15There’s a popalways at are busier than others, but the blackboard. one... (wasn’t me, promise.)

Asda. Or you can opt for a I always try to go with the BEHIND THE BAR Dodd’s gin is brewed on site at the London Distillery Company and is bottle of ‘I heart Prosecco’ cheapest options. deliciously with tonic and a slice of lime, while the Huygue Brewery in for £9.99fresh frommixed Budgens, Belgium specially brews Tesco.com, Rhythm & the all-too-drinkable Doodle Beer.

Do you have any tips for THE GRUB Well Kneaded offers delicious wood-fired pizzas with toppings as figin London?

Booze or Londis. savingsuch money THE SCENE

and goats’ cheese, Bun Kabab serves up spicy Pakistani street food,I try while Belpassi to take my own lunch Fighting chancelike mumma used to make. into work but I don’t always Brosaroll Italian meatballs The origins the £4, wine from £6.20. £7.50 for cocktails with two-for-one manage that. A Taste Card BILL PLEASE Beeroffrom term hour ‘Boxing Day’5pm-7pm. are happy Mon-Fri undecided, but we all VERDICT Do I like it? Yes I Doodle. By Caroline Garnar

is really good for getting discounts at restaurants.

Last big blow-out?

I went to a second-hand clothes fair last month.

Instead of leaving with a few cheap bargains, I ended up spending a lot more money than I imagined! I spent the last week of that month on a very small budget.

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Each month I get something new to refresh my wardrobe.

And if there’s a special occasion, that’s another excuse to hit the shops.

how ThEY spEnd iT

snap it up Do some celeb stalking at super-star hangout Gilgamesh in Camden.

The famous restaurant is offering 50% off its £55 set menu through 3 OF THE December.

JustBEST try not to tussle with the professional paps outside, CLUBS FOR waiting for a star spot.

STUDENTS See lastminute.com

BY DESIGNMYNIGHT.COM

thedoodlebar.com

BAR RUMBA There is no such thing as moderation at Bar Rumba.

Prepare yourself for a heady dose of classic party anthems and fancy dress themes such as Where’s Wally and cowboys and cowgirls.

You’re in for a big one at Bar Rumba.

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No owns abar share of the club. bother. Set sail on the ‘One Big Night Out Shoreditch ❚ Former basketball starBar MagicGet Johnson was part of Crawl’. free shots, drinks a £1.2billion deal toasbuy deals and giveaways youthe bankrupt LA Dodgers.

That’s take on a selection of student a hefty price in forShoreditch. a team with bars and clubs no money. Sounds like he shoreditchbarcrawl.com may have missed a trick.

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Photos: supplied by Doodle Bar and designmynight.com

Photos: supplied and Getty. Words: Rachael Getzels

know it’s due to the punches that are thrown 33 Parkgate Road, SW11 4NP South Kensington as eager shoppers try to get the best deals on the first day of major nationwide sales. Oxford Street will be prime territory with up to 70% off all high street brands.

Get ready to rumble.

Interview with the vampires

As their blood-sucking mockumentary What we do in the Shadows swoops into cinemas, Caroline Garnar sits down with Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi to talk about tickling yourself, embarrassing orgies and why Taika wants to be a boat...

Jemaine Clement needs to take a piss. I tell him I can wait, but he explains he can’t find the toilet and threatens to take a wizz in one of the water bottles on the table.

It’s a good start to the interview, and one that is appropriate for what’s to come. Jemaine not only needs a piss, but he can take it too.

Not that his co-director, -writer and -star of What we do in the Shadows, Taika Waititi doesn’t give as good as he gets.

Taika, though, goes for more physical comedy, picking up the sci-fi-looking conference phone on the table and turning it into a Klingon starship, a space gun and more...

“You should say that I’m constantly trying to entertain

16

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

by picking things up and making them into props,” says Taika. “Yeah... that’s gonna come across really well in an interview,” Jemaine points out, his goofy laugh filling the room at the top of Somerset House on London’s Strand.

We’re here to talk about their joint film venture, What we do in the Shadows. This bloody funny (yep, pun intended) mockumentary follows four vampires trying to live in the modern world, facing practical issues such as not being able to get into nightclubs unless they are invited in, trying to figure out what to wear when they don’t have a reflection, and the mess that ensues if they hit a main artery.

With an appearance from Rhys Darby as a werewolf

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CELEBINTERVIEW

T: We were always planning to do this film, so it wasn’t really a reunion. It just took us ages to do it because we were both doing other things.

Rhys Darby appears in the film, but there was no sign of Brett... is there bitterness there?

J: Na, he was just working in LA... He was very helpful for notes and stuff but he didn’t have the time to really get involved.

T: We wanted to get everyone we know in the film. There are lots of friends in it. Lots of people who can’t act.

J: It would have been great to have him in it. He was in the short film version but we cut him out because he was laughing the whole time. His character was called Brett.

T: Yeah, he named his own character.

J: We were like, ‘You’re not even trying.’ He wasn’t being a vampire he was being himself. It was kind of funny but he was just like, ‘Hey, I’m Brett. I’m a vampire.’

trying his best to quite literally keep his pack on a leash, a rebellious new vampire who doesn’t quite get it, and a straight-laced human who just wants to hang out, Jemaine and Taika have managed to take a hugely regurgitated genre, and make it into something brilliantly original and seriously entertaining.

With the dynamic between the two, it’s easy to see why they decided to work together again. And after the laughs we had during our interview, I reckon Brett needs to watch his back...

You guys were together as the Humourbeasts about 10 years ago. What was behind the decision to reunite now?

So you get to make funny films with your mates... Have you got the best job in the world?

T: I don’t think it’s the best job in the world. It’s definitely a fun job. Filming was fun but it felt a lot like work when we were editing. Shooting was great though...

J: Yeah apart from every time we went out it was nighttime. We had to work vampire hours. But you can’t really complain, it was fun. The day we finished shooting we all said ‘Let’s do one of these a year’. And then a year-and-ahalf of editing later... it turned out not to be possible.

So what do you think the best job in the world is then...?

T: (Long pause) I don’t know... I’ll get back to you. Maybe a tug boat driver or something...

Okay... You guys went to uni together. Were you good friends then? Did you go out and party together?

T: (Puts on stoner voice) Yeah we’ve partied together for suuuure.

J: Yeah we hit the dance floors. Me and Taika were more about dancing and Brett was more about being in the band.

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17

CELEBINTERVIEW I’d be like John “Travolta in Michael ” What was your favourite bit about the film?

T: Finishing it was the best thing. The best part of the process for me, apart from filming it, was finishing it.

And is there a particular scene you like...

J: I remember liking the chase sequence. When we’re chasing through the house.

T: There was a funeral scene that wasn’t in the film that was pretty funny.

So your favourite bit of the film isn’t in the film... how come?

J: It was really depressing as well.

T: Yeah it came across as too sad. We had to keep the film short. That was one of the biggest challenges.

When you watch it, do you find it funny?

T: I only ever watch the first 10 minutes now, and it satisfies me as the audience always loves that bit. And then I don’t stick around in case they hate the bit in the middle.

J: You like watching the start, I like watching the end because then I’m like, ‘Yeah, everything’s gonna be okay!’.

Neither of us watch the middle, though. We go and get dinner. You work on it so much, it’s the last thing you feel like watching.

Has much changed since then?

J: We were dancing last night.

T: We’re still the dancers, yep. We were at a place called Bar I think. Or it had a big sign outside saying ‘Bar’.

J: It was playing Seventies music, so we had a little dance before bed.

Has your comedy and film-making evolved since your uni days? Do you look back at your older stuff now and cringe?

J: I look at the stuff now and cringe (laughs).

T: It’s definitely better now, but it’s got the same feeling to it, same kind of comedy.

J: When you start out you are so enthusiastic, it’s a real motivator, and when you get older you know more what to do, so it kind of balances out – as your enthusiasm wanes your expertise grows (laughs).

T: Yeah when you’re younger you’ll just do what anyone suggests. But now you’re more wary and weary.

Your film What we do in the Shadows premiered at the Sundance Festival...

J: We know this.

Okay I was just reminding you in case you’d forgotten...

How was the response?

J: The response was... really good.

T: There was clapping.

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So if you’re editing it yourself is there a tendency to cut out each other’s bits?

J: No, more like cut out yourself. It’s hard to make yourself laugh. It’s like tickling yourself. Watching yourself is like when you hear your own voice on a recorded message and you’re like, ‘I don’t sound like that’.

T: I don’t find it weird at all as the character is so different to myself that I don’t even see myself anymore. I’m not a weird, camp, dandy vampire...

How hard was it to keep the accents going?

J: It’s not hard to do an accent but it can be hard to keep it consistent...

T: Sometimes the New Zealand accent would sneak in. I think it’s at stressful times when you’re concentrating on what other people are doing; that’s when my accent would falter.

J: Yeah Taika would tell people what to do using his vampire voice. The other thing is we all had different accents, so it’s hard not to be influenced by the others.

T: The hardest thing for everyone was to make sure none of us sounded like Borat (starts doing Borat impressions).

Jemaine, your character has a lovely mane of hair...

J: It wasn’t mine, it was a wig. I’ve never had hair that long.

The moustache was real. A lot of older ladies have told me I should grow my hair that long.

T: Your mum’s friends...

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CELEBINTERVIEW

J: No not my mum’s friends (laughs). Do you remember that Australian TV executive? She said ‘You’ve got to grow your hair like that, it’s so sexy’.

T: Oh yeah! We won’t mention names...

And did you enjoy playing the character?

J: Yeah. At the beginning I saw him as being really powerful and good at everything, and maybe a little bit crazy being alive for so long. But as it goes on, he kind of loses it...

You’re character’s first introduced while having an orgy.

Was that intentional to cast yourself as the one who gets to have all the sex?

J: (Laughs) Yeah, but we mention that he used to have huge orgies – like 20 or 30 people – so there’s a suggestion that now he only has three girls in bed... that’s terrible!

I’ve often written a scene where I put lots of sexy women around me, but filming it is actually really awkward.

Especially when they start asking, ‘Who thought of this?’ and I’m, like ‘Errr... I thought it would be funny.’ So I’m never going to do it again – that was the last time.

Right, we’ll hold you to that. Would you want to be a vampire in real life?

J: I would miss the sun, I like the sun. I’d get SAD. T: Na, I want to die one day. I think the experience of crossing over into death would actually be kind of awesome.

J: Who told you that, a ghost?

T: Someone who died and came back. I think it’s gonna be quite cool. You don’t want the pain obviously. But I would like a long life full of experiences and then I’ll cross over into something else. I don’t know what it’s gonna be like but that’s why I’m looking forward to it. I’m intrigued by it.

So if you were going to be any kind of supernatural being it would be a ghost?

T: Hmm, a ghost seems lonely. Ghosts aren’t often portrayed as happy.

J: What if there was a big social scene and everyone who has ever died is around as a ghost?

T: I don’t know if I would like that – it’d be like living.

J: You could talk to Andy Warhol, jam with Hendricks...

T: He probably wouldn’t want to hang out with me as a ghost. He’d be hanging out with all his heroes.

J: What about people you miss, like your grandparents...

I’d like to see my granddad. I’m not sure I’d want to be a ghost though. I’d need to know more about it. I think I would be an angel. I would suit that. I like helping people.

T: Would you fly around with wings and stuff?

J: Yeah. I’d play the harp. I like the harp.

Would you be like a cherub then?

J: No I’d be like John Travolta in the movie Michael.

He’s a bit dark isn’t he?

J: You mean like in skin – he’s Italian.

Ha, no, I mean he’s a bit edgy...

J: Oh right. Yeah, I would be a bad boy angel.

T: You could have black leather wings.

J: : Yeah, I’d still help people though.

So Taika, what would you want to be?

T: I’d just want to be energy that can turn into anything and go anywhere in the universe.

J: That’s a ghost.

T: Ghosts can’t turn into anything they want.

J: Oh you want to be like Shmoo, that character that was in Scooby Doo for a while. He was like a white blob that would turn into a couch.

T: No. I don’t want to be Shmoo. I’d want to turn into... a boat. Like a shapeshifter.

J: You can’t be a shapeshifter. You’ve got vampires, zombies, ghosts, mummies, werewolves...

T: A ghost is an image of who you are on earth. I want to be my soul and just zoom around the universe. So I could just go and check out Mars.

J: Nope, that’s not an afterlife option. That’s like an alien.

T: Anyway I’ll figure it out and let you know.

J: Yeah he’ll send you an email from beyond the grave saying, ‘Hey I’m a ghost.’

T: Yeah, I’ll say ‘You were right – everyone’s here and Jemaine is a bad boy angel with leather wings.’

And with that, our interview ends, and Jemaine finally gets to take a piss.

What we do in the Shadows is out in cinemas November 21

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19

Christmas sorted Struggling to shop for your lot back home? These gifts are all flat or compact so they can be easily posted or packed. You are welcome.

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What would you say to your ‘just arrived in London’ self?

Aussie Jono Cusack did a twoyear stint. Here he looks back at his love affair with the city that will chew you up and spit you out, but say sorry afterwards, of course WORDS JONATHON CUSACK

26

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‘Y

ou can cross all seas and oceans; all mountains and deserts; have infinite experiences placed before you; but you will inevitably find yourself in London.

Capital of the British Empire and one of the most culturally significant places in the history of humankind. It’s a mecca for those seeking exploitation, self-destruction and limitless freedom that will threaten to send you packing after your first evening. This isn’t a story of the experiences of a tourist in the city – anyone can be a tourist – nor of the student on a gap year. This is a story of those who have endured and learnt to respect London, embraced it, and will eventually be brave enough to one day call themselves ‘a Londoner’.

You first meet London when you land at its gateway, Heathrow. As just another faceless wonder going through passport control, you’ve not just stepped into a new country, you’ve become anonymous. Soon to be one of the many hiding behind the Metro newspaper on the Underground, devouring an overly priced Pret-A-Manger sandwich, or peeling back the tin foil of a takeaway Brick Lane curry.

I first arrived in London in 2006 and was so naively underprepared. I had $500 to my name, no place to stay,

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LONDONFOCUS

This is London

and a vague hope for work as a teacher in a suburb called White City. I asked the first airport staff member I could find for assistance. He was a burly, barely coherent man from a former colony much like myself, “I fink you can ge a sim card at Boots” he said in an accent that can only be described as intimidating. I replied innocently, “Why is a shoe store selling phone accessories?”

Succeeding in contacting a hostel next to St Paul’s Cathedral, I left Heathrow via the Underground on the Piccadilly line, terminating at Cockfosters (it never stops being funny). Within an hour of reaching my destination I’d walked what I thought was the entire length of the Thames river, and become hopelessly lost. I was entirely alone. In a haze of fog on a freezing, pitch black night underneath Tower Bridge I found myself questioning my motives to move here. I’m still not sure why I left my friends and family 15,000km behind. My only explanation is, and always has been, that it was a calling.

Three hours later I retraced my steps, found my hostel and slid into my bunk fully clothed, in tears and prepared to leave in the morning. My first evening was hardly indicative

of the amazing times I’d assumed I would immediately have.

Nor would the following weeks get any better. But after enduring the crippling loneliness of the city, you become aware that it’s this anonymity that puts you in charge.

You can change, and become someone entirely different... whomever you wish to be.

The first step in coming to terms with London is to work out how to actually get around. A tourist can walk from Buckingham Palace to Big Ben, but a Londoner is going to need to travel from Stockwell to Stratford and back through to Wembley. The Underground, or the Tube, is the transport system that acts as the veins of the city that pulsates through its boroughs and suburbs. Every day I would end up travelling on it, back and forth on a different colour, popping up here and there, generally having no idea where I was or even which direction was north or south.

Just like the tourist, most of the time I realised only after I’d scanned my Oyster Card that I could have simply walked. The Underground is designed to be followed, not explored. It has very little correlation to the city, but you learn eventually that it brings structure to chaos.

To understand the chaos that existed above ground I acquired myself the bible that is the London A to Z. It was my most treasured possession. It wasn’t just a map for me, it was my guiding light to show me the way. It now sits on my book shelf and will be passed down to my children when they make the same pilgrimage to London.

The next step in grasping London is acceptance that it’s going to be cold, bleak and wet for most of the year. It’s not just a cliché. It will affect your mood and you will start to turn as miserable as the weather. Your entire existence will be determined by it. You will talk and complain about it with everyone, from the Pakistani man who owns the off-licence to the mini-cab driver taking you home at 4am. It’s the relentless and unforgiving grey.

On the rare day that the sun does shine, regardless of the temperature, the English lads will be out. The shorts and the sandals will be straight on and they’ll get their beer bellies as sunburnt as possible. If this image disgusts fear not, because you will also suffer from the ‘Heathrow Injection’.

The infamous 5kg weight gain that slowly attaches itself to your already festering body with every late-night kebab, vegetable samosa and microwavable Tesco lasagne.

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LONDONFOCUS

White Star cider got Jono (left) and his mates through the tough times By my second month in London things had started to improve; I had passed the initiation. I had moved out of a hostel on Finchley Road and was dossing on a friend’s couch in Clapham. I’d accepted by this time that work would continue to be horrible, but survivable if I could drown my sorrows with a 50p White Star cider in the evening.

Teaching in London can only be described as spending six-and-a-half hours in a zoo. The residents would constantly abuse me, throw their possessions at me and I’d walk out bruised and broken with no choice but to repeat it all the next day. To provide equilibrium to this insanity I acquired work in a traditional English pub, where the wage was so minuscule it didn’t even surpass the poverty line.

My social life had also improved. I’d befriended a group of foreigners trying to ‘make it’ just like myself. However, the one English friend I did make was one of the most incredible people I’d ever meet. He was Matt, and he was homeless.

I saw him every day on my way home from my Tube run across the city. I’d sit on the busy pavement and stop for a chat with him as the suits would walk back and forth. Their tired eyes always looking straight ahead and never down.

Matt’s hands would always be covered with new cuts and bruises from whatever battles he had fought the previous evening. He would offer me cigarettes and three-day-old egg and lettuce sandwiches from his disintegrating satchel. Both would slowly devour my insides. He was a forgotten warrior that never asked me for anything; he was just happy to have someone to talk to. Matt was a survivor, but he is the prime example of how vicious and remorseless the city can be if you let it encompass you.

There are two distinct groups in London, the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’. The haves will be working in IT or finance and will be great friends, but you will never be able to holiday with them in Ibiza. You can work towards it, and eventually reach the next level of rooftop bars, oysters and champagne cocktails... But every one else, me included, starts in the ‘have nots’.

In my own experience I developed economic strategies that worked efficiently and effectively. I went to Sainsbury’s and removed the special discount stickers from items and placed them on more valuable ones. I ate the chips off customer’s 28

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plates at the pub I worked at before delivering their meals.

Then finished whatever they had left after. I looked under every cushion in every cafe or bar I went to for spare change.

A £2 coin has so much value – it’s your next meal – you can truly feel the weight of it. A date can simply be a walk through Camden Markets, tasting the free delicacies from all corners of Asia. Following these strong fiscal policies, the bank balance will not only move into double digits but triple.

It’s the grandest release of pressure. The fog soon begins to lift, or you just learn to accept it, and you start to fall in love with London.

After six months it’s no longer a survival of the fittest.

I had learnt how to work the system, how to escape danger and live with exhaustion and a constant state of being hungover. The weekends became a separate experience.

Leaving on Friday afternoon and back to my couch on Monday morning. I began to avoid the expat bars as I found my own scene, bought a leather jacket and spent time being pretentiously cool in Shoreditch. I acquired a passion for football, bought a jersey and all of a sudden the pubs started to make sense. The inbetween days were filled with 48-hour trips to Eastern Europe on a cheap Ryan Air or Easyjet flight.

But you’d be a fool to believe this is tourism. It’s just the London carnival continuing in a different location.

I also realised that I’d never make any English friends,

LONDONFOCUS because the friends that I did choose were in exactly the same situation as I was. For the English, this is their life. But I had no responsibilities here, I was a million miles from home and suddenly dancing on tables and using a vacuum cleaner as a beer bong became perfectly legitimate. ‘This is London’ was the mantra that became the excuse for everything.

Following two years of this lifestyle, that aged my body more than five, I was back wandering the Thames. I moved down towards the river and became aware that nothing had changed, I was stuck in a time warp. I removed myself from the situation and observed it with a certain smugness. Was I now a Londoner? I’d certainly flourished: I could afford clothes, travel and a pint of a slightly more expensive ale.

But it hit me that this wasn’t reality, it’s Disneyland. A place to live for today and never stress about tomorrow, or even the next six hours. For so long I was happy with my escape from the truths and burdens of life. Being in London was an encounter with the other side, a fantasy with an open ticket to the world’s greatest amusement park. It was never going to be a place I could call home, regardless of the amount of time I stayed there.

Everyone will have their own unique story of living in London but they will all tell you the same thing: it’s not their home, but it is their city. Perhaps this is how we can define being ‘a Londoner’.

After returning to Oz, every once in a while you make the trek back, and for those few days or a week you pick up exactly where you left off and do it all over again. Three years later I was back on Finchley Road. Matt was still there. I didn’t think he’d remember me, but he did. I stayed and shared a cigarette and a story with him. I spent the rest of the night in the pub that I used to work at, but before sitting down I lifted the cushion of the chair and found a £2 coin. I held it in my hand, feeling it’s weight, and still feeling it’s value.”

To read more of Jono’s work, see seesomething.com.au

Jono worked behind a bar to supplement his crap teacher’s wage

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TNTNEWS CHATROOM LONDONINSIDER

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Jock Zonfrillo We catch up with the curly haired Scottish chef about his extreme adventure cooking series set in Oz, Nomad Chef

Photo: Supplied

INTERVIEW CAROLINE GARNAR

What made you decide to do this experience?

I love travel anyway, and the opportunity to find new ingredients and flavours in these remote communities I would otherwise not have access to, is one I couldn’t pass up.

Was there a particular tribe you worked with?

No, I’ve worked with too many to mention. I try to make new contacts with new communities as often as possible. NYUL-NYUL is a tribe in the Kimberley that we work with a lot.

What new flavours and ingredients have you discovered by working with Australia’s Indigenous people?

There are too many to count, but a few are green ants (they taste like lemon grass) and blood root, which has the taste of chilli.

What else did you discover about the Aborginal culture?

For me, their culture is so intrinsically linked to the land itself. There are six seasons, so the cuisine is based off of that -– as a chef, that is how it should be – very natural.

And how about methods of cooking?

There is always something new, but for example I learnt how to cook kangaroo tail, skin on. They bury it in hot coals and slow cook it for four hours, then take the skin off and serve.

It’s amazing. The kangaroo tail is quite fatty and gelatinous.

On the show you are described as going on ‘a voyage of discovery – and often danger’. Can you tell us more about that? What was dangerous about it?

Every episode has some element of danger – whether I was climbing down a massive side of a cliff or, for example, in Spain collecting percebes [shellfish]

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off the rocks with 20ft waves coming off of my head.

Has your experience changed the way you look at cooking?

Absolutely. Going to these remote communities is like a walk through history, so if anything, it’s made me more respectful of the historical path that our cuisine has evolved through.

It’s something that we’re talking about more and more at Orana [his restaurant in Adeleide] since we did the show.

What was the reaction to your ‘nomad’ dishes like back at Restaurant Orana?

Incredible. For the most part, people have gotten a real sense of where I’ve been and enjoyed things they wouldn’t normally otherwise.

Watch Jock on his cooking adventure on Nomad Chef Mondays at 9pm on Quest

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LONDONINSIDER CAROL VORDERMAN’S BUM GOES VIRAL

MAN GETS STUCK INSIDE WOMAN AS SEA SEX CAUSES SUCTION – OUCH! Sex on the beach turned particularly sour for an Italian couple who took to the ocean for a kinky quickie and found themselves indefinitely attached.

The pair took advantage of a deserted beach in Porto San Giorgio, but things turned awkward when they found that the gentleman couldn’t – ahem – remove himself due to suction created by the water.

They were rescued by a bewildered woman taking a stroll on the beach, who protected their dignity with a towel as they shuffled back on to the sand.

She called a doctor and the pair were taken to hospital.

Finally, the couple was separated using an injection to dilate the cervix, usually reserved for women in childbirth.

This frisky couple may think twice before taking another dip – in every sense of the word.

STOP ALL THE MOANING; IT’S NOT AN ORGASM

basis, insist the (probably male) boffins.

They conclude, and again we quote, “orgasm is always possible if the female erectile organs, i.e. the female penis, are effectively stimulated during masturbation, cunnilingus, partner masturbation, or during vaginal/anal intercourse if the clitoris is simply stimulated with a finger”.

So let’s have no more of it.

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Images: Getty,Thinkstock and Rear of the Year. Words: Ken Hurst, Stephanie Palmer

It’s official. Unless you’re doing it properly, all that moaning and groaning is a fake. The female orgasm during straightforward penetrative sex is a myth.

Who says so? The scientific journal called Clinical Anatomy, that’s who.

And it says that it’s about time sexual medicine experts and sexologists spread certainties on the biological basis of the female orgasm to all women, not hypotheses or personal opinions.

We’re quoting here: “The internal/inner clitoris does not exist: the entire clitoris is an external organ... the vagina has no anatomical relationship with the clitoris.

Let’s take the scientific terms out and be clear here: During vaginal intercourse, the male penis cannot come in contact with the bits that bring on a female orgasm. And, by the way, female ejaculation, premature ejaculation, persistent genital arousal disorder and G-spot amplification are terms without scientific

Carol Vorderman’s 53 year-old bum is trending on Twitter, so we’d better go with it.

Here it is courtesy of Rear of the Year 2014. What do you think?

It all started when CV took herself off to the very worthy Pride of Britain awards (she won Rear of the Year for the second time earlier this summer) and for reasons we know not the Twitter love-in began all over again.

They’re saying stuff like... @DSmileyyy: I would be Carol Vorderman’s toy boy @twowitwowoo: Please could everyone take a look at Carol Vorderman’s bum @stevebrookstein: I refuse to comment on Carol Vorderman’s gorgeous arse. @Dean_Gallacher: Think I’d still give Carol Vorderman a go.

You’re not alone Dean, you’re not alone.

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COMPLETE LEGENDS The folk over at the Philippine Mermaid Swimming Academy, yep you read that right, will turn you into this mythical creature, and why the hell not? To find out more ways to learn a useless skill while on holiday, turn to p34

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UNUSUAL HOLIDAY ACTIVITIES

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1 If your friends’ eyes routinely glaze over when you recount your holiday stories, take it as a warning sign that you might want to shake things up.

For something offbeat, why not travel

TOP 5

UNUSUAL HOLIDAY ACTIVITIES the globe learning oddball skills you definitely won’t put to practical use?

Master everything from swimming like a mermaid in the Philippines, to becoming a Mongolian warrior in the Gobi Desert, chasing tornadoes across America, fishing for piranha in the Amazon and learning jungle survival skills from tribal communities in Papua New Guinea.

You can bust out your newfound useless talents as party tricks for years to come. Entertainment sorted!

PHILIPPINE MERMAID SWIMMING ACADEMY Turns out dreams really do come true. That is, if it’s always been your dream to become Ariel from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Now thanks to The Philippine Mermaid Swimming Academy, you can.

The first school of its kind in the world, the PMSA offers instructional courses to transform you from your drab, mortal self into a mythical creature.

For just over 20 quid, you can get a two-hour introductory class where you 34 00

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don a mermaid’s tail and learn to swim like a part-human, part-fish, using core muscles to propel yourself forward.

Yes, apparently, it’s not just a whimsical way to pass the time. It’s also a great workout. A far cry from your grandma’s swim class, Mermaid Fitness teaches endurance and core strengthening while – apparently – whittling inches from your waist and improving stamina.

Classes teach your ‘usual’ mermaid tricks such as dolphin kicks, handstands and blowing a kiss underwater, as well as mermaid etiquette.

If you’re looking to kick things up a notch, you can graduate on to mermaid snorkelling, mermaid scuba diving or mermaid water scootering; a class for the ultra-modern mermaid.

Or, if you only want to dip your tail in, you can always just get dolled up like a mermaid. Turn your fantasy persona into reality with a professional underwater or above-water photo shoot.

Not just for the little ones, this magical experience will please the big kid in all of us. High five, six-year-old self!

Prices from £21. philippinemermaidswimmingacademy.com

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WARRIOR TRAINING

FISH FOR PIRANHA

Under Genghis Khan, the Mongols were the most powerful military force of their day. In this nine-day adventure, find out the secret behind their success.

Don a Mongolian warrior costume, stay in traditional nomadic tents, learn 13th-century battle tactics, archery lessons, horse lassoing, wrestling and yak-cart riding.

Enjoy the hospitality of actual, 21stcentury nomadic families and get tipsy on Mongolian milk vodka.

From £2,150pp. Departs June 6, June 12 and Sep 5. pioneerexpeditions.com

Cruising the Amazon is bucket list material, but add killer fish to the mix and that bucket could come earlier than you think. (Not really, just don’t fall in!)

Learn how to fish for piranha, take a dip in a black water river and enjoy sightings of squirrel monkeys, threetoed-sloths and pink dolphins.

Far from roughing it, enjoy everything from aboard a five-star luxury cruise liner. If the piranhas don’t bite your hand off for this, we will.

From £1,948pp for a three-night cruise.

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STORM CHASING ADDICT, DAVID BALFOUR HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN CHASING?

I’ve chased with Tempest Tours once a year for the last 10 years. It’s a bug. Once you’ve caught it, you’ve got it.

I love it.

MOST MEMORABLE CHASE?

2012 in Adrian Texas. We were sitting in an old American diner and saw a wall cloud forming. We followed it and it dropped a tornado, then it got dark and just started spitting lightning out everywhere. It was absolutely fantastic. The weather channel was all over it.

ARE YOU GUARANTEED TO SEE TORNADOES?

STORM CHASING

LEARN TRIBAL WAYS

If even the unpredictable weather of England bores you, chasing tornadoes around the Great Plains could be right up your alley.

In scenes reminiscent of Twister, learn from experts about storm safety and how to read weather data, while witnessing breathtaking phenomena like supercell tornadoes and spectacular lightning.

On quiet days, take in sights such as the world’s largest ball of twine in Kansas or Nebraska’s ‘Carhenge’.

From £859pp for four-day mini-tours.

April to June. tempesttours.com.

Step back in time to experience an ancient community untouched by Westernised culture in this nine-day trek of West Papua’s highlands.

Stay in traditional villages and learn the tribal ways from former Neolithic warriors, the Dani tribe, characterised by their ceremonial dress of penis gourds and animal bone piercings. Yep, it’s a good look.

Leave an expert in jungle survival skills, sago making and ancient tribal rituals.

March to December. From £6,995pp excluding flights.

No, because it’s Mother Nature. If there is no severe weather, then we’ll go sightseeing. It’s the best way to see America. I’ve seen the touristy bits of New York and Las Vegas. Give me Oklahoma City any day of the week.

WHAT IS THE BUZZ LIKE?

It’s up there with extreme sports. You probably get a bigger rush than when you have sex.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED PACKING IT IN FOR A NICE BEACH HOLIDAY?

I couldn’t do that. I was in Cyprus on a boat cruise recently and a storm broke over the mountain, so you can guess where my attention went.

epictomato.com

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Words: Chelsea Jane Moore . Photos: Philippine Mermaid Swimming Academy, pioneerexpeditions.com, Tempest Tours and Thinkstock.

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WIN AN INCLUSIVE FESTIVE BREAK AT POTTERS RESORT IN NORFOLK Five-star Potters Resort on the Norfolk coast is the ideal place to enjoy a magical and relaxing break with friends this festive season.

As well as four meals a day and relaxing accommodation, a festive break features the new 2014 Christmas spectacular ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year’, performed by Potters Theatre Company. Plus, you can enjoy inclusive sports and leisure facilities and seasonal activities.

One lucky reader will win a twonight, full-board break for two adults on Potters Festive Weekender from Friday December 19, 2014 with early check-in included.

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FLY TO SYDNEY IN 2.5 HOURS With space travel taking off, travellers could fly from London to Sydney in just 150 minutes by 2024.

From beer to a petticoat, the remnants of this year’s Oktoberfest are one big lost and found...

What exactly is wrong with you lot? You go to all the trouble of travelling to Munich’s famous Oktoberfest to not drink?!

Okay, we may be exaggerating a wee bit but the fact of the matter is that with Oktoberfest 2014 now history, visitors drank 300,000 litres less beer than last year.

Here are other comparisons: No. of visitors 2013 = 6.4m No. of visitors 2014 = 6.3m Beer drunk (lt) 2013 = 6.7m Beer drunk (lt) 2014 = 6.4m Oxen eaten 2013 = 114 Oxen eaten 2014 = 112 Calves eaten 2013 = 58 Calves eaten 2014 = 48 Other facts and figures?

Tent security stopped 112,000 people trying to sneak their mug home with them.

The Lost and Found office, as usual, came up with some surprising finds. Apart from 900 passports, 530 wallets, 330 mobile phones, 305 bags and rucksacks, 31 cameras, 230 pairs of specs and 55 pieces of jewellery and watches, there were also two wedding rings, one brand new iPhone 6 and four tickets for the sold-out football match between Bayern Munich and Hannover 96.

The top finds of the Oktoberfest 2014 were: A petticoat, a set of cymbals and a cat transporter.

Still missing is a German Federal Cross of Merit (2nd Class).

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In 2024 space will be the final frontier for wellheeled intrepid travellers, and commercial aviation will be able to “break time boundaries”, according to Skyscanner.

The global travel site’s Future of Travel 2024 report states that in only 10 years’ time, the race for space will take travellers to Earth’s low orbit, allowing them to experience the stunning curvature of the globe from ultra-high altitude.

Looking beyond 2024, orbital travel may not simply be a matter of going up and coming back,

but instead travellers will be able to stay there long enough to enjoy and savour an exciting, alien environment.

Skyscanner’s Filip Filipov said, “Taking travel to space will be a ground-breaking milestone for mankind in general, but what is even more exciting is the transfer of technologies that space exploration can bring to commercial aviation. A regular traveller might see a London to Sydney flight in 2.5 hours, which will make travel even easier and faster than ever before, breaking time boundaries.”

In the meantime, for those with an appetite for space travel there are sky resorts being built that will contain zero-gravity spas, space gliders and space observatories where guests can even experience weightlessness.

Admittedly, space tourism will still be too expensive for most, but the report also stated that journeys to the bottom of the sea will be a much more mainstream, fashionable option.

Underwater hotel rooms already exist as niche and novelty destinations such as The Neptune and Poseidon suites at the Atlantis Hotel in Dubai. However, as space on land becomes more expensive, a new wave of innovators are scaling up the concept aiming to build entire resorts under the waves – including spas, gardens and pools, all with aquarium style-windows allowing guests to go outside in diving gear.

No matter what, the future of travel sounds damn cool.

Colorado sees leap in pot tourism It’s not famed for its sunshine or sand, but Denver, Colorado has seen a huge leap in tourists visiting for its smokes.

Colorado was the first state to legalise marijuana for recreational use in May last year and, since then, independently owned,

regulated and heavily taxed cannabis shops have popped up all over its capital.

Tour operators are now shipping in curious weekend-breakers who can stay at pot-friendly hotels, relax in Amsterdam-style coffee shops and even skin up in some bars.

These specialised trips are not designed for sightseeing – although that’s not off the cards, either.

Tourists can choose to visit cannabis farms, try cannabis yoga and even attend cannabis-infused cooking classes.

It’s not all about the puff, though. Colorado still has strict laws surrounding smoking, and it’s illegal to consume cannabis in public spaces such as on the street and in parks.

The legalisation of marijuana is thought to have brought in $47 million in tax dollars for Colorado, and that’s before calculating the benefits of a rise in tourism.

The other states are sure to be keeping a close eye on the Colorado ‘experiment’, so could this be the beginning of a weed-friendly America..?

Photos: supplied and Getty. Words: Ken Hurst, Stephanie Palmer and Caroline Garnar

300,000 litres of beer lost at Oktoberfest

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10 PINTS SUNK BEFORE LUNCH? Certain tourists can still ‘put away 10 pints before lunch’ but they leave a better tip than they used to and are more polite.

LIFESTYLEMONEY TRAVELBITES And they’re not Australian.

It’s the Brits we’re talking about – the ones with the reputation of being the plague of Playas.

Hotel workers in the Canary Islands, Spain, France, Turkey, Greece, Portugal, Mexico, Italy, Egypt and the Balearics evidently see British holidaymakers in a better light than they used to.

A survey of the workers by sunshine.co.uk says tipping, general behaviour and politeness are the most improved factors when they were asked to compare the current behaviour of Brits on tour with three years ago.

Two thirds said they were tipped more generously, more than half said the tourists were more polite and nearly three quarters said the general behaviour of Brits had improved.

When asked which nationality were the most pleasant to deal with when they were on their holidays, the top five answers given were: 1. Dutch – 21% 2. Britons – 16% 3. Germans – 13% 4. Spaniards – 11% 5. Irish – 8% Aussies didn’t get a look in, but most of them don’t hang out in hotels.

On the darker side, the research revealed that more than half the hotel workers thought the Brits were ‘drinking in excess’ while on holiday.

Chris Clarkson, MD of sunshine.co.uk said, “Perhaps we’re still known for our ability to put away 10 pints before lunch, but at least hotel staff around the world have noticed a change and people are being more courteous.”

BRIEFS ENCOUNTERS: SEX AT THE AIRPORT If you’re one of the four in a hundred who is already a member of the famous Mile High Club, you need to come down to earth and join the one in 10 of us who’ve had a sexual encounter at the airport.

New research has revealed the rise (sorry) of the ‘airport club’, with one in 10 travellers owning up to sex in an airport.

According to the poll, the majority of people who had done so offered up the explanation that they were ‘in the holiday spirit’.

Initially, passengers passing through an airport were asked by researchers for the comparison website jetcost, ‘Did you have any free time to spend in the airport while waiting around?’ and were then asked ‘How did you spend your free time at the airport?’ When provided with a list of possible responses and told to select all that applied, the top five responses were as follows: 1. Eating and drinking -79% 2. Reading - 52% 3. Browsing the duty free shops - 30%

4. Just sat around waiting - 24% 5. Played games (electronic or otherwise) - 19% However, when looking at what else people had got up to in airports previously, 9% of the respondents admitted that they’d had a sexual encounter while in an airport before. The most popular place in which people joined the ‘airport club’ was ‘airport toilets’, followed by ‘storage area/ room’. Naughty.

Around 25 of the 250 or so who’d had a sexual encounter at the airport admitted they’d been caught by either staff or members of the public.

Jetcost founder Antoine Michelat said he was surprised that more people haven’t been caught in the act. “I suppose one of the reasons many people are tempted is the thrill of knowing you’re not supposed

to be doing what you’re doing, where you’re doing it,” he points out.

You’re a frisky bunch and we love you for it.

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German football weekender: Mainz As football-loving Germans celebrate their new World Champions, or ‘Weltmeisters’, the Bundesliga has kicked off for another season. And joining them is cheaper than you think, says Mitchell Adam.

Mainz? If you’ve never heard of Mainz, you’re not alone.

It’s not Berlin or Munich, but what you’d call either a big town or a small city, easily covered on foot, sitting on the banks of the Rhine with plenty of character and history. And an over-achieving Bundesliga team; 1. FSV Mainz 05.

With some forward planning, you can grab return Ryanair flights between London Stansted and FrankfurtHahn for £40. Sure, like some Ryanair destinations, it’s probably closer to Madrid than Frankfurt, but buses to Mainz Hauptbahnhof, the main train station, generally match incoming flights, take 70 minutes and will set you back €13.50.

Germany’s FA is yet to announce timeslots for all of this season’s matches – held between Friday night and Saturday and Sunday afternoons – but Mainz’s home weekends have been locked in (see mainz05.de/mainz05/en/ profis/spielplan.html).

Match day Mainz loves its little team, which only reached the top flight a decade ago, after almost a century of toil.

Operating on a modest budget, they finished seventh in the league last season.

Pre-match, join the sea of red and white at the Hauptbahnhof waiting to catch free shuttles to Coface Arena, built in 2011 to match the club’s growing ambitions.

A paltry €13.50 buys you a spot in ‘S-Block’, a standing area behind the goals with the most active and vocal home fans, who sing, chant and dance their way through the 90 minutes.

Even if you don’t know what they’re singing, it’s a fun buzz and, unlike venues in England, you can enjoy a beer while watching the action.

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Barring visits by big guns such as Bayern Munich, you can usually buy S-Block tickets at the gate or, with a bit of help from Google Translate, secure them before leaving home.

Not just a football town Originally a Roman stronghold on the Rhine, ruins from Mainz’s formative era can be seen around the city, namely a theatre discovered during the construction of what’s now Roemisches Theatre train station.

More recently, between 1795 and 1930, the city was occupied by the French.

Indeed, iPhone users will find it listed as ‘Mayence’ in the weather app.

Mainz was bombed extensively during World War II, but some buildings survived, including St Martin’s Cathedral, which celebrated its 1,000th birthday in 1975. The Dom serves as the hub of a picturesque old town featuring several other churches, dashes of baroque architecture, parks, museums led by one dedicated to Johannes Gutenberg’s invention of the movable printing press, shops, restaurants and cafes.

Every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday, locals flood the central squares for farmers’ markets, while Christmas markets are held from late November.

Mainz is also famous within Germany for its annual Karneval, essentially a city-wide party taking place on February 14-17 in 2015, but you’re spoilt for choice when it comes to evening refreshments year-round. The vibrant scene ranges from tiny, local-frequented pubs in backstreets to cheap student bars and clubs blasting schlager, German pop. Enjoy!

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Top 10 Edinburgh tips – from the locals Celebrate Scotland sticking with us by visiting its capital. The people at local accommodation company Reserve Apartments share their Edinburgh must-dos...

EAT, DRINK, SLEEP Fishers Bistro has three outlets around town, all serving up great seafood for a range of budgets. Mains start from less than £20. (fishersbistros.co.uk) Mum’s does a foolproof line in comfort staples such as sausage and mash and Scottish venison pie. Even better, it uses fresh local produce.

Mains barely creep above a tenner. (monstermashcafe.co.uk) 1. Arthur or Martha One of the first things you should do upon arriving in Edinburgh is head up Arthur’s Seat. The view of Edinburgh and beyond from the top is second to none.

It looks like a long, arduous climb to the top, but rest assured if you’re relatively fit it should only take about 30 mins to reach the summit, so no excuses.

2. Coffee & cake Climbing Arthur’s Seat is the perfect justification for a coffee accompanied by an enormous slice of delicious cake. Mimi’s Bakehouse is a real treat by anybody’s standards. The choice of cakes is incredible and the champagne afternoon tea the perfect way to reward yourself after such a gruelling, strenuous walk up that big-old volcano...

3. A mile of royalty Walking a mile might seem like an easy task, but with so many distractions it could take you a good couple of hours. Bagpipes, shortbread and tartan galore line the Royal Mile streets. Soak it all up meandering along the cobbled road, watching street performers and taking in a wee dram.

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4. Crammond beach Up to your eyes in tartan and looking for something a little less obvious? Head out to Crammond – you can easily jump on a bus from the city. Walk out to the island, enjoy a coffee overlooking the Forth or explore the pretty village.

It’s stunning and if you get a sunny day – even better!

5. Frisky for whisky?

Whisky connoisseur or first-time taster – you will love the Whiski Rooms in Old Town. This also has to be one of the best places to try haggis, neeps and tatties or enjoy some Scottish beef. Keep your eyes peeled for annual events too – Scotland’s History Festival, Hogmanay, Burns night...

6. Hoot and a half For a cheap and cheerful evening head to The Stand comedy club for a giggle.

Make sure you get there early as it is an intimate venue and you probably don’t want to end up standing all night. If you have time to kill before the show begins we can vouch for the lamb burger.

7. Canoes & cocktails 52 Canoes Tiki Den is a

quirky, popular bar with locals. The cocktail menu is extensive and will be right up your street if you love rum. The food has a Mexican vibe – the sharing plate and nachos are very generous portions. Staff are friendly and the music good, making for a great night.

8. Scaredy-Mercat We all know about the Edinburgh dungeons, but what about taking things to the next level by signing up for a Mercat Tour? With a number of ghostly tours to choose from, the guides are natural storytellers full of personality and wit.

9. Ceilidh chaos If you’ve not experienced a true Scottish ceilidh – like a barn dance – then this is for you. Book in for Ghillie Dhu’s Friday night Rabbie Burns three-course supper, ceilidh, live bands and DJ. If you’re still standing by 3am when things wrap up you’ll have done well.

10. Farmer Giles Every Saturday morning provides the opportunity to visit Edinburgh’s awardwinning farmers’ market with stunning views of the castle.

It is attended by more than 50

A unique pub made up of tiny, crooked rooms brimming with antique bric-abrac, the Canny Man’s should be a tourist attraction in itself.

(237 Morningside Rd) The backpacker bar of choice, Last Drop is an enjoyably rowdy spot to get sociable. (74 Grassmarket) High Street Hostel’s central location, pretty 16th-century building and unfailingly clean rooms all get the thumbs up. There are communal pub crawls on Thursday nights. Dorm beds start about £12 a night. (highstreethostel.com) Just a 10-minute stroll from Leith’s waterfront in the northeast of town, The Sandaig is a cosy guesthouse in a Victorian terrace.

Double rooms from £69pn. (sandaigguesthouse.co.uk) local producers with fish, eggs, cheese, seasonal fruit and veg, pate, organic beer, chutney... a food lover’s dream.

Reserve Apartments offers short-term lettings and self-catering solutions in Edinburgh and Glasgow. Visit reserveapartments.co.uk for accommodation options.

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The insider's guide... to Berlin Meet Topdeck’s Sarah, European Trip Leader extraordinaire-turnedsales rep based on the beautiful east coast of Australia. She has been to Berlin... a lot. In fact, it’s her favourite city in Europe (as is the case with many at Topdeck) and she is just bursting at the seams to share some of her favourite things to do there...

1. Alternative Berlin tour This is amazing, and best of all, completely free!

If you’re interested in the more urban side of Berlin or a fan of street art, then definitely check this out – you willthe think it isvulture the best walking tour ever.

For culture (pictured) is found in the For those who like to fashionable district of the immerse themselves in Marais in Paris, and during 2. DDR Museum cultural experiences Week Communism seems while like a longParis timeFashion ago to us, butit is travelling, the Hammam de nigh on impossible to get really, it is still a recent memory for many. The DDR la Mosquee du Paris is an an appointment here as Museum gives a great snapshot of what life was like ideal destination. Visitors models, designers and behind the Iron Curtain in East Berlin, right down to can respectfully spend time editors all descend on the detailing the compulsory after in the mosque and book a socialising hammam forwork someand R&R. the scheduled breaks forThe kindergarten massage in the toilet hammam prices maychildren. be on the A must. for after. Enjoy the steep side but many of wonderful architecture of the masseurs come from the mosque, and the Salon Morocco and their skill, 3. Rent a Trabant de Thè, which honey coupledthese with standard the luxurious Sticking withserves all things communist, pastries andback North will ensure issue cars in African the days of surroundings, the DDR are available to tea. la-mosquee.com/ you of have an experience hire and drive around the streets Berlin – and this htmlfr/hammamfr.htm you’ll be thinking of for a time, you’re allowed to head west! long time to come.

For the fashionista lesbainsdumarais.fr 4. Schwarzlicht Mini Golf Les Bains du Marais For the budget traveller Berlin is famous for having allTravellers the touristy thingstheir to watching do, but also some of the most wacky activities on the pennies do not have to planet. Don’t go far past the ‘Blacklight’ golf miss out asmini The Hammam Medina Centre offers experience for something, quite simply, out of this great Therapists world. Hint: forget everythingvalue. you know aboutalso golf. provide facials and waxing, so you can book a treatment 5. Burgermeister as well as time in the steam Check out Burgermeister on Oberbaumstrasse, not too room. far from the East Side Gallery. This was once an old hammam-medina.com gentleman’s toilet that has now been converted into a burger stand. It’s more appealing it weekend sounds and is For athan girls’ worth the wait despite lengthyJust queues.

You’refrom in for a 15 minutes real treat, and a genuine tastethe of modern Berlin.

Champs-Elysées, HammamPacha is a treat for ladies spending a girls’ weekend together. The To goup onyour onegirls’ of Topdeck’s Warm weekend hammam is beautifully laid Europe, visit intours Paris in at HammaPacha topdeck.travel out with striking features.

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Top 5: The hot hammams of Paris Hopping off the tourist trail, Claire Mason reveals one of Paris’s hot secrets not picked up by the guidebooks yet, and there’s one to suit all...

For the culture vulture For those who like to immerse themselves in cultural experiences while travelling, the Hammam de la Mosquee du Paris is an ideal destination. Visitors can respectfully spend time in the mosque and book a massage in the hammam for after. Enjoy the wonderful architecture of the mosque, and the Salon de Thè, which serves honey pastries and North African tea. la-mosquee.com/ htmlfr/hammamfr.htm For the fashionista Les Bains du Marais (pictured) is found in the fashionable district of the Marais in Paris, and during Paris Fashion Week it is nigh on impossible to get an appointment here as models, designers and editors all descend on the hammam for some R&R. The prices may be on the steep side but many of the masseurs come from Morocco and their skill, coupled with the luxurious surroundings, will ensure you have an experience you’ll be thinking of for a long time to come. lesbainsdumarais.fr

For the budget traveller Travellers watching their pennies do not have to miss out as The Hammam Medina Centre offers great value. Therapists also provide facials and waxing, so you can book a treatment as well as time in the steam room. hammam-medina.com For a girls’ weekend Just 15 minutes from the Champs-Elysées, HammamPacha is a treat for ladies spending a girls’ weekend together. The hammam is beautifully laid out with striking features.

A robe, towel and slippers are provided, so this feels more along the lines of a traditional pamper spot. hammampacha.com/en For lovers of the Orient For an immersive sensory experience, Les Bains du Orient is an ideal place visit.

Parisians treat Les Bains du Orient as an integral part of their grooming routine, with twice-yearly visits to get ready for the seasons.

The décor and atmosphere is undoubtedly Eastern and Oriental waxing is on offer. lesbainsdorient.com

Oooh Norwich

Photos: Thinkstock, Norwich City Council, and Jacqueline Wyatt

Alan Partridge, canaries, mustard, cathedrals and a castle: Francesca Baker heads to Norwich for the weekend... and loves it

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UKTRIP

Elm Hill I needed a holiday. But six months travelling abroad had left me poor, reluctant to spend hours on a plane, and unsure about asking my employer for time off again already. I always say that I must explore this fair isle more, so what better opportunity for a weekend in the UK? Sure, it wouldn’t be quite as good as a real holiday, but I guess it would have to do.

Oh ye of little faith, Francesca.

Not far from London is a cultural, diverse, beautiful, vibrant and lovely county in which to spend a few days: Norfolk. Only a couple of hours after finishing work on Friday evening, and after a pleasant ride in Greater Anglia’s first class cabin, we entered into the spired county town of Norwich. The sun had been beaming down all day, and the fields and flats of the Broads as well as the flint and limestone buildings of the city were illuminated in the gentle glow of the sunset and a week coming to meet the weekend.

First stop: The Maid’s Head Hotel. We took the ‘scenic’ route to the hotel (I got lost), but this did take us along some very pleasant side streets, including Elm Hill, the pretty cobbled street (of course it had cobbles, my friend had a wheely suitcase) filled with Tudor buildings. Elm Hill opens on to Tombland, where we found the Maid’s Head on an enviable corner of the square. Tombland is not as grim a name as you may think, but comes from the Saxon word for ‘open space’.

It was a market place in Saxon times, a public space ever since, and the centre of much of Norfolk’s early history.

The Maid’s Head itself has had an enviable past, and claims to be the oldest hotel in Britain, or at least the longest continuous use of a site for hospitality. Famous guests include Edward The Black Prince in 1359, Queen Catherine of Aragon in 1520 and Queen Elizabeth I in 1587.

Bicycles and butterflies Norfolk and Suffolk are both famed as cycling destinations,

and Abellio Greater Anglia has made it easier by opening a cycle pick-up point at Norwich train station. Starting at only £10 a day, it’s an affordable, enjoyable, green option, and opens up the opportunity of a cycling holiday to more than just the pros.

So, with that in mind, after a good night’s rest we head out on a 26-mile route, which would take us through pretty little villages and quiet roads winding through stunning countryside. Starting in Whitlingham Country Park, the gateway to the 400-year-old shallow waterways and sparkling landscape of the Norfolk Broads, we very loosely follow the River Yare to the south west, pedalling through Surlingham and the Marsh Bird and Nature Reserves, as well as skirting 130 acres of marsh carr and wood. Soon we reach Claxton, a little village which is home to a site of ‘Special Scientific Interest’ due to the rare grasses and butterflies that rest here.

Indeed, butterflies seemed to be all over, flirting with one another and skimming the tops of our helmets.

The halfway point is a village called Loddon, which we handily reach at lunchtime. A quick look at the 17th-century Holy Trinity Church and we are ready for our picnic. Sprawled out on the bank of the River Chet, the sun’s rays coming down and a mouthful of sandwich, only the ducks frolicking on the river could be more content than we are.

Loddon is filled with shops, pubs and little tea rooms, and would make more than a pleasant place to amble around for a few hours. We had heard thunder was coming, though, and so decide to make our way back.

The rain never did come, but after a delicious meal at the Maid’s Head award-winning Wine Press restaurant, it’s another soundly slept night in our hotel room.

Cathedrals and conjurers The next morning was devoted to exploring Norwich itself, and the cathedral bells acted as our alarm clock.

The Lanes, the quaint little shopping area of Norwich, is filled with independent retailers and cafes. On turning into the main square, where the Art Deco City Hall overlooks the colourful market stalls, we came across a beautiful building, which turned out to be the Guildhall. Once the home of the council and law, this building is the largest and most elaborate to survive outside of London, and the chequered flint façade and grand assembly chambers are evidence of the wealthy mercantile rulers.

Norwich is full of museums and must-see sites, but we chose to spend our Sunday at the stunning Norwich Cathedral. A blend of Norman, Romanesque and Gothic architecture, the cosmic structure is inspiring and intimate in equal measure.

From afar the spires dominate the skyline, the tower being the highest in the UK and a soothing piece of punctuation in the sky. Radiant stained glass, a Saxon Bishop’s throne, more than 1,000 medieval roof boss carvings, and some of the earliest and finest pre-Reformation paten in the treasury make this an artistically inspiring spot. The whole area spans 44 acres, includes 88 listed buildings, and is home to more people than any other European cathedral.

We could easily have whiled away many hours just gazing in awe and peacefully relaxing in the gardens, but we had another stop on our Norfolk visit: North Walsham. A small market town, North Walsham sits among the vast swathes TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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of rivers, fields, reeds and marshlands that make up the famous Broads.

After only 20 minutes on the train we headed straight to Davenport’s Magic Kingdom museum and show. We weren’t sure what to expect, as I’m sure you aren’t either.

Starting out in the early years with the ‘Witches of Wonder’ exhibition, through to replica shops, past Houdini, and a wizz through European and British magical history, we finish by watching a live magic show in the replica St George’s Theatre, where Lewis Davenport performed more than 3,000 times. We left feeling like it was one of the best afternoons we’d had in a long time. Which, being grown adults, surprised us as much as I’m sure it surprises you.

We also left with the information from the Davenports themselves that the Beechwood Hotel, where we were staying for the night, is ‘the finest hotel in the land’.

I’ve got plenty more travelling to do before I can confirm this, but it seems they are not the only ones who think so.

It has counted Eric Clapton, The Who and, naturally, the Davenports as guests.

I am feeling easy to convince as I tuck into a ‘10mile dinner’, where the chefs have sourced, where possible, their ingredients from within that radius. Famous Cromer crab picked up from Bomb’s, and Morston mussels and Sheringham lobster supplied

by William Davie, sit alongside sausages from Tavern’s Tasty Meats in Swafield and seasonal produce from North Walsham Farmer’s Market.

A small garden outside the hotel is where a friend of the former owners, Agatha Christie, used to write. Fresh air and an easy evening out here before relaxing tea and biscuits in the Agatha Christie lounge, and we are ready for bed.

Nearby Heritage coast and the quaint seaside villages of Wells and Sheringham are well worth investigating 48

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if you have transport, and Beechwood runs a super-value weekend deal that many cyclists take up, but for us it was back into Norwich the next morning.

A castle and my conclusion

Norwich Castle

Be sure to see the Norfolk Broads

Beechwood Hotel

Today it is all about more history and culture, and so we head to Norwich Castle. The Norman builders of Norwich Castle and Norwich Cathedral did not make things easy for themselves, shipping over limestone from Caen, and the resulting buildings make them some of the finest in Europe.

Standing proud up upon Castle Hill, of course, the grounds are stunning and the vista across Norfolk and its many rivers and bridges, elegant spires and medieval streets a delight to absorb.

Filled with artefacts and engaging exhibitions, the Castle museum does a good job of exploring the city and building’s heritage from a palace to a prison through its vast collection of art, archaeology and natural history. Majestic and strong, the remaining keep is a fantastic reminder of the stately structures and impressive buildings that founded this magnificent city.

After taking in the futuristic Forum and the country’s busiest library, then the medieval trading hall Dragon Hall and its impressive timber crown post roof, and, finally, the Guildhall and its chocolate café, it is time to head off.

Reluctantly, we amble back along the river.

My thoughts? Norwich is a winner. This fine city is compact enough to easily navigate and explore, especially with the City Sightseeing bus and easy cycling options. Full of culture, as the 1500 historic buildings and UNESCO City of Literature status attest, it is also a bubbling pot of creativity.

Plus it’s beautiful and, when the sun hits it right, it can feel just like being abroad. I needed a holiday... and that’s exactly what I got.

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HOW TO ENTER

Go to tntmagazine.com/competitions. See webpage for terms and conditions. Winners will be selected at random.

WIN A CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BREAK TO NORWICH WORTH OVER £500!

TNT is offering one lucky winner and a friend the chance to win a luxurious 16th-century manor house break in Norwich – a city with unique Christmas shopping, winding medieval lanes, atmospheric cobbled streets and great festive culture.

Sprowston Manor, Marriott Hotel & Country Club, is a four-star hotel with character and charm overlooking beautiful countryside; facilities include a tropical pool and spa. The prize includes two nights in a deluxe room, breakfast and dinner one evening, first class rail tickets with Abellio Greater Anglia from London, £200 gift-card from Jarrolds – the awardwinning independent department store located in the Norwich Lanes, plus Visitor Attractions Passes.

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49

FESTIVALGUIDE

ST PATRICK’S DAY

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FESTIVAL GUIDE

ST PATRICK’S DAY Arrive in Ireland for St Patrick’s Day with a stomach of steel as you indulge in the most booze-heavy, merrymaking weekend of your life. You’ll be playing the Irish at their own game – but we’re not saying don’t try.

If you’re struck by the luck of the Irish, you might just make it until dawn with the best of ’em. If you’re not, well, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

St Patrick’s Day, held in honour of the patron saint of Ireland, takes place on March 17 and is a celebration of all things green, all things lucky, and, of course, all things Guinness.

Historically, the festival was a religious feast day commemorating the arrival of Christianity in the country.

Nowadays, it’s a somewhat more debaucherous affair as thousands take to the streets dressed as leprechauns and green fairies to cheer on their homeland and generally make merry.

The biggest St Paddy’s Day celebration takes place in Dublin where half the city plus thousands of Irish50

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loving pilgrims from all over the world show up for a week of festivities, which culminate in a huge parade on March 17. Last year saw the beginning of the three-year theme, ‘Past, Present and Future’, which means this year’s theme is ‘Present’ (although we’re sure you clever types might have figured that one out for themselves).

There are St Paddy’s Day parades all over the world and immigrant communities are incredibly countryproud. In Chicago, which has one of the biggest Irish populations in America, they dye the river green, and in New York, the US 69th Infantry leads the procession through the streets, which are lined with hundreds of thousands of revelers.

However, it’s Dublin where the party really sham-rocks. You may not understand a word anyone says (those accents can be tricky) but don’t worry – here, you will be speaking the international language of beer. Aside from Guinness gulping, there will be

street theatre galore, music (look out for Kilfenora, a 100-year-old travelling Irish dance band), a boat race, and even an interactive comedy event where the audience texts topics to famous Irish stand-ups on stage.

The Irish are famous for their droll humour so this might be some of the best comedy you’ll ever see. There will also be plenty of traditional food.

We’re talking meat and potatoes here, but there’s nothing like a steak and Guinness pie to soak up a hangover – remember hair of the dog and all that. Predictably, hotel prices in Dublin go up during March and the airport reaches standstill at the start and finish of the week, so book plenty in advance and prepare to be patient. Most of the events are free so you’ll mainly be forking out for food and beer. You can buy a ticket that allows you to watch the parade from a seat, but the most fun to be had is out on the streets, soaking up the party atmosphere with the merry crowds.

Words: Hannah Greenshields. Photos: Getty, Thinkstock and TNT archives

WHEN? MARCH 17

St PAtRICK’S

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CHECKING IN checking in

WHY DUBLIN?

WHAT TO EXPECT

St Patrick’s is celebrated all over the Thousands of people will fill the streets world by Irish communities, but there in Dublin. Most of them will be painted is no country where the festivities are green. And all of them will be drinking. k’s is celebrated allto over the than Ireland itself.

Thousands of people will thefun streets closer the heart You’ll have thefill most if you get Being but a celebration involved so let will loosebe andpainted frolic like the y Irish communities, there of all things in Irish, Dublin. Most of them it makes sense that capital And all little knew you ntry where the festivities arethe country’sgreen. of green themman willyou bealways drinking. city, Dublin, stages the biggest party of were inside. No one will bat an eyelid. the heart than Ireland itself.

You’ll haveThere the most fun ifschedule you get all. It’s definitely one of life’s must-dos. is an official of events involved so let loose and frolic like thepart in a celebration Here of allthe things Irish, music, food, and jokes are and it’s definitely worth taking in more tradition than little green man a few.

These include walking tours (“in you always knew you sense that thesteeped country’s capital anywhere else – you’ll see the best the footsteps of St Patrick”) where were inside. No one will bat an eyelid. you lin, stages the biggest party of dance troupes, hear the most refined learn about the history of the saint, Irish There is an official schedule of events efinitely one of life’s must-dos. jig music and eat food straight from the river dancing and Gaelic singing. You’ll and it’s definitely worth taking inTemple music, food, and jokesYou’ll are also get the chance Irish earth. find the biggest parties part around to visit some of Dublin’s famous a pubs whichwalking is an area tours packed(“in full of – you few. These Bar, include n more tradition than anywhere along the parade route, making the for footstepsguessed it – bars (not temples). of St Patrick”) where youAlso u’ll see the best dance troupes, an authentic and historically informed expect to see a lot of green – the whole learn about the history of the saint, Irish most refined jig music and eat festival experience. city will be festively lit up for the week.

why dublin?

what to expect

river dancing and Gaelic singing. You’ll ight from the Irish earth. You’ll find the biggest parties around Temple the chance to visit some of GET IN SPIRIT Bar, which is WHAT ELSE? full of – you an area packed famous pubs along theTHE parade If you don’t dress up for St Patrick’s Dublin doesn’t only come alive at St guessed it – bars (not temples). Also aking for an authentic and Day, you may as well pack your boring Patrick’s Day. It’s an ancient city steeped to seeina history lot of and green – is the ly informed festival experience. little bags and go home. Do it orexpect be there lotswhole on offer. city will be festively lit up for the m London to Dublin cost from £45 damned (said in crazy Irish accent).

It can be hard to escapeweek. the crowds

Even if you can’t bring yourself to go and, given that it’s a national holiday, stpatricksfestival.ie all green, at least don a crazy hat – most many of the museums will be closed. people go for a tall, green top-hat or a However, you can still visit the stunning shamrock-embossed cap, but there are Trinity College and learn about the city no rules. Hat vendors will help you out in the days of yore. There’s also Dublin on’t dress up for Patrick’spurchase.

Dublin doesn’t only at St withSt a dazzling Castle to come explore.alive And remember, the Aside from pie and mash, you will festivities take place all over the city may as well pack your boring Patrick’s Day. It’s an ancient city steeped – also be faced with blood pudding, not just the main drag. So do some gs and go home. Do it or be in history andit’sthere is lots on offer. which isn’t to everyone’s liking. But exploring of your own. Ask some locals (said in crazy you Irish accent).

It can be hard to escape the crowds shouldn’t turn up your nose. If you who might recommend side roads and f you can’t bring tothe goparty, you’ve and, it’swith a national holiday, wantyourself to get with gotgiven that alleys private street parties and be the hat party.– And don’t forgetmany to secret pubs where the beer is flowing , at least don to a crazy most of the museums will be closed. say “that’s grand” every you would believe.

This is where o for a tall, green top-hat orat a the end of However, youlike can still visitnot the stunning sentence. You may not know what you’ll learn the true meaning of “drink k-embossed cap, but there are Trinity college and learn about the city you’re saying but they’ll love you for it. you under the table”.

get in the spirit

Hat vendors will help you out azzling purchase. from pie and mash, you will aced with blood pudding, n’t to everyone’s liking. But

what else?

in the days of yore. There’s also Dublin Castle to explore. And remember, the festivities take place all over the city – it’s not just the main drag. So do some exploring of your own. Ask some locals

CENTRAL HOTEL central Located in the heart Hotel of Dublin just 500m away OVERVIEW

from the Temple Bar nightlife district and a short walk to Trinity College overview Located in the heart and The Dublin Castle, of Dublin justthe 500 meters you’ll have city at your fingertips.

And you won’t away from the Temple Bar be compromising on nightlife district and astyle. short The rooms hark back to walkluxury to Trinity College Edwardian times and and the Thestunning DublinLibrary Castle, Bar provides atmospheric you’ll have at the city at your place to And kick back fingertips. youwith won’t roaring fireplaces and deep be compromising on style. leather armchairs.

The WOW rooms hark back to FACTOR As well as being luxury and to the oneEdwardian of the best places enjoy an afternoon stunning Library Bardrink, provides The Central Hotel is also at atmospheric place to kick one of the best places in backDublin with to roaring fireplaces eat. The hotel is and connected deep leather armchairs. to Exchequer, 2010 Gastropub wowIreland’s factor As well as being winner, which serves upto one of the best places chargrilled racks of lamb and enjoy an afternoon drink, platters of oysters, scallops, The crabs Central and Hotel prawns.is also one ROOMS of the best places The rooms are in elegantly furnished with is Dublin to eat. The hotel custom-made Irish furniture connected to Exchequer, and velvet curtains. You can Ireland’s Gastropub ask for2010 double, single, and winner, which serves up charroll-away beds.

BILL racks PLEASE Rooms start at £64 grilled of lamb and per night.

platters of oysters, scallops, centralhoteldublin.com crabs and prawns. rooMs The rooms are elegantly furnished with 51 TNTMAGAZINE.COM custom-made Irish furniture and velvet curtains. You can ask for double, single, and

Old Tower of Porto Giunco bay

La Maddelena

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Spargi beach art

Photos:

Stephanie soaks it up

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Sweet Sardinia Sir Roger Moore’s Bond stayed here and we can see why: Sardinia offers a delightful mix of cultures – shaken not stirred Words: Stephanie Palmer She’s the black sheep of the Mediterranean; an Italian isle awkwardly twinned with a French sister and plonked in the middle of the social circle of Italy, Spain, France and Northern Africa. But historically, as Catalan, Roman and Geonese powers jostled to call Sardinia their own, she was busy soaking up the best of each culture, mashing up her own language and revelling in her own individuality.

Still, for all this multiculturalism, on landing at Alghero airport everything feels distinctly Italian. Miniature mountains – or dramatic hills – are dressed in olive-coloured forestry and the orangey-browns of granite. But as we wind our way towards the Northern coast, little towns take on the rustic peach and terracotta of Spain and we catch snippets of a language totally incomprehensible to anyone outside the Sardinia-Corsica club. And that’s before I’ve even glanced at the island’s best-of-all-worlds menu.

We make camp at the DelphinaTorreruja (delphina.it/ sardinia/hotels/torreruja), where the pan-Mediterranean vibes continue with cabin blocks amid winding, labyrinthine pathways. A stroll to my room takes me past rosemary bushes, palm trees and climbing bougainvillea. With a double bedroom, huge bathroom and a little living area, my room is pretty much twice the size of my London flat. I throw open the sliding doors to the balcony so I can gaze over the red roofs of other apartments, down the hillside and to the sparkling sea.

I don’t linger long on the view, as a downhill ramble gets me to the beach. However, I find increasing winds churning up the waves in an alarming fashion and the sand tumbling in to a steep descent as soon as it meets the water. I’m left with the impression that this rebellious coast will not submit to its paradise status.

Rather than attempting the uphill hike back to my room and, more importantly, the bar, I hop on one of the many golf buggies that whiz around the grounds. These guys are a taxi service for weary guests. They ferry luggage around, and they’ll even unlock your door for you when they’ve given you a lift home. Although I still maintain my lock was tricky and it had nothing to do with the amount of Prosecco involved...

The next morning we make a hazy and all-too wiggly drive to Santa Teresa di Gallura on the northernmost point of Sardinia. Despite its cameo role in The Spy Who Loved Me, complete with a visit from Sir Roger Moore, this quaint little

town shies away from the glamour of Bond girls.

Houses are painted with warm reds and yellows, while the church is modestly majestic, perched on top of the hill.

On a Sunday morning, streets are quiet, and we stroll the narrow streets and town square feeling blissfully un-bustled.

Yes, primarily it’s a tourist town, but it has by no means suffered for its charm. Souvenir shops blend in to the ancient architecture, and garish goods are shunned in favour of blue and copper-coloured local coral, sometimes shaped in smooth beads, but more often keeping its gloriously wild shape, with arms reaching out and tangled together.

Strolling along the seafront we are suddenly confronted with a sweeping panorama of the coastline and beyond.

Corsica looks so close that I swear I could swim there, and the town’s Aragon Tower reaches out in to the choppy sea.

Dainty and menacing in equal measure, these fortresses surround the island; a reminder of the threats from so many surrounding nations – all of whom have been the enemy at one point or another.

Now truly won over by the rocky shores, we switch them for the sands of Porto Pollo, literally Bay of Chickens.

It’s a silly name, I see no poultry at all. What I do see is a peninsular with beaches stretching on either side of me, as far as the eye can see. On the left, waters are perfectly crisp and clear, with the odd lone kayaker or paddler with hoiked-up trousers. On the right the water is teeming with rookie windsurfers, stumbling along on a distinct ripple and collapsing colourful sails in to the sea. There’s a convenient natural division between the lazing sandy space and the activity area, and a string of bars make sure beach parties don’t run dry.

That night we switch to a different Delphina Hotel, Valle del l’Erica (delphina.it/sardinia/hotels/valle-erica), where I treat myself to a spot of pampering. I’m soothed almost to sleep by a back and shoulder massage, before taking a dip in the heated salt-water infinity pool, complete with Jacuzzi bubbles on demand. There are chilled pools too, but after a tentative dip-of-a-toe, I stick to the hot stuff, thank you very much – gazing out to sea and watching storm clouds roll menacingly closer.

In one of three hotel restaurants, we tuck in to a traditional Sardinian four-course feast. While seafood is the obvious staple of a coastal village, it becomes clear that ›› TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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La Maddalena dairy is also kind of a big deal around here. As a veggie, almost everything I taste is made of cheese, stuffed with cheese or served with an obligatory slither of cheese. There’s a different cheese for every occasion. Perhaps it’s the French influence wafting over from Corsica next door; I’m inundated with dairy and red wine: frankly, I’m in heaven.

Dinner begins with a classic Caprese salad with fresh mozzarella and slices of fat beef tomatoes. Simple. Delissimo.

Next, pasta dumplings come stuffed with mashed potato and sheep’s cheese, slathered in a peppery tomato sauce. Our host, Anna Lisa, regales us with memories of cooking this with her mother. It’s a traditional dish and a family affair; the men make the pasta and the stuffing, and the ladies put the dumplings together. It requires delicate fingers, I’m told.

It’s Anna Lisa’s favourite meal, and now it’s mine. Always a fan of hearty Italian grub, mix pasta, potatoes and cheese and I’m putty in your hands.

Course number three is a succulent mushroom casserole, while the meat-eaters dig in to suckling pig that evokes approving noises and claims of tender tasty meat.

For me, dessert is the piece de resistance. Ricotta-stuffed pastry, deep fried, sprinkled with sugar and drizzled with the famous local honey. Sweet and sticky, it’s heavy enough to satisfy my oh-so-greedy dessert stomach and sweet tooth. As strange as cheese with honey may sound, the flavour-clash gets me practically licking my plate and, as luck would have it, this combo is also available at the breakfast table, albeit minus the deep-fried pastry.

Fuelled by cheese, wine and after-dinner coffee, we head to the local salsa bar where we find a Cuban duo busting out Latina tunes. We also find John,the in-house dancer, who drags us up to show off our fancy footwork, or, I suspect, to show off his own. We get Anna Lisa on her feet, tutoring us in traditional Sardinian dance. I can only describe this as a dainty, skippety, hopping-in-circles dance, followed by some very solemn marching and squats. Seriously, Google it. She had us all in stitches and stopped the rumba in its tracks.

In the morning, with groggy heads and trepidation, we set sail to explore the Maddelena archipelago, a national park where huge white boulders appear from nowhere and tower 54

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overhead, and where every rocky outcrop hides romantic sandy coves. Anchored in one such cove, I clear my head by braving a dip. It’s far too cold and I stay in for approximately 30 seconds – and that was just out of pride. But, once we were on the move again, sprawled across the deck and allowing the sun and salty wind to dry my hair, I could just about see myself in that Bond movie, after all.

In La Maddelena, on the largest of the archipelago’s islands, the classically quaint old town is a treasure trove of cute cottages and mysterious staircases. A traditional bakery pairs its rustic exterior with a neon ‘pizza’ sign, while marble manors beckon with cork-based souvenirs, and barrels spill over with multi-coloured sweets.

Just minutes from this diverse and bustling centre, we find ourselves on the desert island of Spargi where, in contrast, two lonely stallholders peddle shell necklaces and charms with a nonchalance that can only come from spending days alone on the beach. Luxury yachts are anchored in the cove and rocky hills provide a sun-trap haven for the lucky water dwellers.

We’re ferried back to Valle del l’Erica’s private beach where strapping lads lift the ladies and pop us on to the warm evening sand.

Bumping along on the back of a buggy as the dusk descends, I feel a certain affinity with Sardinia. It’s something quite separate from mainland Italy. There are hints of France, but it’s certainly not French, and it’s peppered with Spanish architecture and accent. Like so many problem children, it has grown in to its identity and found its own voice, and I raise my bubbly to all its Mediterranean quirks.

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48HOURS

BORDEAUX

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YOUR WEEKEND IN BORDEAUX

Words: Benedict Cooper

Bordeaux is lined with vineyards and châteaux Bordeaux is a city of young and old.

Its classic pillars – wine, food, art – all stand strong today, but the city has a wild side too; of buzzing bars, wild clubs and a new world of international cuisine. Two days is enough to get a glimpse of both sides, and if you do it right the place will leave you feeling like you’ve had a week-long holiday.

DAY ONE MORNING To really explore the city the way the Bordelais do, get on two wheels. The VCub cycle hire scheme costs next to nothing (€1.50 for 24 hours or €7 for a week), then you’re free to whizz around as you please. Bordeaux is beautifully cycle friendly with safe cycle paths everywhere, so even if you’re not a regular rider you’ll be fine.

If you want a bit of a route, start by heading head down to the river at the Porte de Bourgogne. After a nice pedal north along the banks you will find yourself a short detour from L’Esplanade des Quincorces, Place de la Bourse and le Musee D’Art Contemporian. Before you reach the ultra-modern Pont Jacques 56 00

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Chaban Delmas up ahead, you will come across Quai des Marques where you can pick one of the many cafes and restaurants for a lovely riverside lunch.

AFTERNOON Cross the bridge and gawp back at the city, then explore the other side where you’ll find a very different Bordeaux – industrial, unromantic and down to earth. Head south though and you’ll find the tranquil Jardin Botanique and the Parcs des Angeliques, which are lovely and give you a great look at the city from another point of view. After no time at all you’ll reach Stalingrad, a studenty area where you could stop for a coffee, before crossing the Pont de Pierre on the way back to the centre.

Take a left just after the bridge and stop by the Theatre National Bordeaux Aquitaine in Place Pierre Renaudel, then head up Cours de la Marne towards Place de la Victoire. One of the main buildings of the University of Bordeaux is on one corner of the square, and if you fancy seeing a less chic but vibrant part of Bordeaux, try roaming through the scrappy, multicultural area around Place des Capucins.

To round things off nicely, climb the 114-metre tower of the Basilica of SaintMichel – the tallest building in Bordeaux – then have a chill in the late afternoon sun down by Porte de Bourgogne, where friends meet, couples canoodle, and evening joggers puff by under a pink and orange sky.

EVENING If you fancy a bit of a stroll before dinner, you could do a lot worse than the tranquil Jardin Public to the north of the city centre. And from there you’re a nice distance from the city’s oldest building, Palais Gallien, the one remaining corner of a once mighty 3rdcentury Roman amphitheatre that could hold 15,000 spectators.

To say that you’re spoilt for choice for a superb meal is putting it lightly – Bordeaux has no less than 13 restaurants with Michelin stars. But if you want a quirky, authentic dinner try the Au Teulère de Brest on Rue Teulère, a downto-earth place serving crepes, galettes, and cider from Brittany. Or for something a little more exotic try one of the many little tapas bars or Asian street food markets

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BORDEAUX

48HOURS

Pont de Pierre Bridge over Gironde River

DAY 2

rendez-vous point is right near Place des Quinconces with that dramatic fountain as its centrepiece. From there you’ll be driven out to St Emilion to start the cycle tour, but before you saddle up make sure you take a moment to look out over the vista from the foot of the church; a view so idyllic it looks like a painting.

Next thing you know you’re gliding dreamily past row upon row of vineyard, led by one of Bordovino’s wine-buff guides. Whirring wheels and tweeting birds are the only sounds you’ll hear as you head to the first of two châteaux for a little excursion into paradise – wine tasting and a gorgeous lunch in the still, peaceful garden.

MORNING You can’t possibly go to the Mecca of the wine world without visiting the vineyards.

Give yourself a morning and afternoon to really soak up the breathtaking countryside – and plenty of wine.

It doesn’t get much better than Winerist’s one-day cycle tour of St Emilion (winerist.com). You will be picked up in the centre of Bordeaux at a nice leisurely hour so you’ve got time for breakfast in a little cafe somewhere, and the

AFTERNOON Your afternoon won’t be any harder than the morning, although you might want to cycle slowly after all that fine dining.

You’ll stop by another château, enjoy some more tasting and a crash course in the grapes and terroir of the region, before heading back to the old limestone buildings and cobbled streets of St Emilion, now tinted with that vivid late afternoon light. Take it in one last time

in the area. Le Santosha is a buzzing little Asian cafe in Place Fernand Lafargue with a great array of modern dishes, and from there you’re in the best possible place to start the rest of the night.

If you want nightlife you can’t go wrong roaming around Rue Saint James and Place Fernand Lafargue – Apollo Bar is the king of the bars in that neighbourhood – all the way up Rue du pas Saint Georges as far as Rue Saint-Remi. Or if you’re a bit of a metal/ thrash/punk/electrohead, look out for a gig at Heretic Club where you can rock it out until the early hours.

before you catch your ride back to the bustling city and leave it all behind.

EVENING After riding around the rolling green and purple fields all afternoon, you’ll probably be feeling nicely lazy. If you’re in the mood for a film, check out Utopia, a church converted into a cinema in Place Camille Julian, or just sit at a table outside and watch life unfold in the buzzing little square.

If you’ve had your fill of wine for the day, you’re not far from Rue du Parlement St Pierre and La Comtesse bar, where you can get (in their own words) the best cocktails in Bordeaux.

From here you’re just a gentle stroll from Place de la Comédie and the meeting point of several main arteries of the city. The magnificent Grand Théâtre – home of the Opéra National de Bordeaux – can be found here.

There are countless restaurants nearby, so just stroll around and let your senses guide you, but do make sure you leave room for a canelé – a rich custardfilled confectionery that’s almost as Bordelais as the wine.

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The Swiss Alps

Zurich

Beneath Switzerland’s prim and proper exterior lies a raging party animal, fueled by the delicious local beer and fed by its incredible cheese and chocolate.

Indulge yourself in the sordid side of Switzerland and uncover its lesser-known laid-back regions

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Geneva 60

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A GUIDE TO SWITZERLAND

Swiss roll Switzerland sometimes gets a bit of a bad rap. It’s historically neutral, squeaky clean, always on time and, dare we say it… a bit boring. But if you can look past the perfectly synced watches and clock towers, you will learn that Swiss cities are much more pulsing than old guidebooks would have you believe. Throw the Alps into the mix and you’ve got a holiday on your hands that will keep everyone happy. To dispel some of the rumours and get the exploratory juices flowing, we’ve put together the top five places to visit in Switzerland. And we’ll start with this bonus: your flights will never be late.

Images: Thinkstock,

Zurich Switzerland has made Zurich its top city destination to visit. Set beside a lake with dramatic views of snowcapped mountains in the distance and more than 50 museums and 100 art galleries, it pretty much sums up the essence of the entire country.

THINGS TO DO: Seeing Zurich by boat will allow you to take in the busy life on and alongside the water, while also breathing in that fresh wilderness air as you go. Swiss chocolate is indisputably the best in the world, so stop by the Lindt Factory Outlet just south of the city and pig out until your heart’s content. There’s also a huge array of museums – there’s the classic stops, such as the The Kunsthaus Zürich, where you can see paintings by Munch, Van Gogh and Picasso, to more off-beat attractions such as the Zurich Hospital museum which exhibits 3D wax replicas of skin diseases and body parts.

GOING OUT: Going against all you know, Zurich (not Berlin, not Hamburg, not Frankfurt) has the highest ratio of clubs to population in Europe – and one of the most active clubbing scenes. On weekends about half of the country floods to West Zurich, which is a converted industrial area packed full of trendy bars and warehouse spaces such as Rohstofflager and Q Club. This is techno and deep house central so get ready to be TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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up all night. There’s also plenty of bar hopping with the best venues along an alleyway in the red-light district or ‘party mile’ of Langtrasse.

WHERE TO STAY: Langstars (langstars.ch) is a hostel in the ‘party mile’ of Zurich. Rooms cost £29 a night and breakfast is included. Hostel Biber (+41 44 251 90 15), located in the nearby heart of the buzzing old town is also one of the few cheaper options in Zurich. Rooms cost £25 and there’s a spacious roof terrace.

Geneva

Geneva

Footbridge inside the ice cave at the Rhone Glacier

Set around a tranquil lake (they like their lakes in Switzerland), Geneva is one of Europe’s cultural (and political) centres and is buzzing with world-class entertainment and attractions. The watch-making capital of the world, the workshops of Rolex, Piaget and Cartier call Geneva home. It’s jammed full of parks and waterways with a popular attraction being the Jet D’eau, which is a huge water fountain and makes for a dazzling spectacle that means you’ll never get lost.

THINGS TO DO: Must-sees include the Old Town, which is home to St Peter’s Cathedral offering incredible views of the city. There’s also the Bohemian neighbourhood of Carouge, which is full of arty cafes and interesting galleries.

The famous ‘flower clock’ is planted in a park in Geneva and nearby you can drool over some of the most expensive watches in the world in shop windows. If however, you’re in need of a bargain, head to Geneva’s oldest flea market, Plainpalais, for some hidden gems.

GOING OUT: Rock ‘n’ Roll chic Le Baroque night club is an experience with a Swarovski-set diamond throne, an area for cigar smokers, crystal chandeliers and velvet draped windows. For smaller bars, head to the Carouge neighbourhood where you’ll find fondue cafes, indie music, techno, and everything in between.

WHERE TO STAY: Even the budget options are pricey in Geneva, but a good start is Ibis (ibis.com), which is five minutes from the city-centre and costs £54. Hotel Restaurant Kutchi is 50 meters from Lake Geneva and rooms have water views. Rooms cost £79 a night.

Davos, Swiss Alps

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Rock tombs in Lucerne Dalyan 62

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Davos is one of Switzerland’s best-known ski areas – it’s got big slopes and even bigger parties. It’s also one of the top places in the Alps for snowboarding. Don’t fear if you’re a newcomer though, there are plenty of beginner’s classes on offer and there are trails for all levels.

THINGS TO DO: Skiing is obviously the name of the game here. Klosters (davos.ch/en.html) is probably the most famous resort area with in-town slopes for beginners and night skiing for the hardy. For the rest, the après-ski venues are buzzing each evening. From Klosters you can also go horseback riding, trekking, mountain climbing, and paragliding.

GOING OUT: Davos is the party town of the Alps and some of the club nights begin in broad daylight. You can ski straight into Gaudy’s Gastro and have a coffee and a shot to get the night started, then move on to the legendary Ex-Bar which stays open until 5am.

A GUIDE TO SWITZERLAND

Lucerne

WHERE TO STAY: Youthpalace Davos is a budget-conscious party hostel with bright, modern dorms and a roof terraces.

Rooms are a steal at £15 a night. If you’re going with a group, booking an apartment can keep prices down. Check davos.ch/en/stay/accommodation.html for a full list of places to stay in Klosters.

Lucerne Hiking and adventure trips rule the roost in Lucerne. This German-speaking city is nestled between jaw-dropping mountains and of course, in true Swiss style, a lake. The city is a good base for excursions with great cafes and restaurants and idyllic scenery.

THINGS TO DO: Take mountain bikes up the rocky facades of Mount Pilatus or book a day trek up to the cloud-covered peak of Mount Rigi. You can also visit the ice tunnels of the Rhone Glacier or peer into the dizzying depths of the Aare Gorge. Most hotels have information about day trips and treks. In the city itself is the famous monument of a dying lion carved into a rock face, as well as a 14th-century wooden bridge that is steeped in history and well worth a stroll around.

GOING OUT: Enjoy dinner in one of the many rooftop terrace restaurants, which are all over the city. The Scala Terrace has great food and even better views but is best saved for an occasion. Loft is a trendy bar that attracts young hipsters and has a cool design. For something more down to earth check out La Madeleine, which is a good spot for lowkey gigs and has a cosy bar.

WHERE TO STAY: The Lion Lodge (lionlodge.ch) is in the centre of the city and comes in at £22.60 a night. Seminarhaus Bruchmatt (seminarhaus-bruchmatt.ch) is located in a lush park five minutes away from the centre and costs £45 a night.

Bellinzona This city is the capital of the Mediterranean region of Switzerland and has a very Italian feel (especially given that it’s their official language). As well as decent sun year-round, the streets are lined with palm and citrus trees, and there’s great pizza and wine to be found on every corner.

THINGS TO DO: Bellinzona is famous for its three castles that make it a world heritage site. Ancient walls, which are illuminated at night, make the city look magical set against the Swiss Alps. In the old town there are meandering alleys and hidden-away antiques markets.

GOING OUT: Bellinzona is not very big and it isn’t a major destination for going out. There are some good wine bars in the centre such as Terra Mare and Wine Bar. One of the best restaurants in town is inside the Castlegrande, one of the castles, funnily enough. Giardino is a well-kept secret full of locals who flock there for its reasonably priced (and completely delicious) Italian food.

WHERE TO STAY: Albergo San Giovanni is in the heart of the beautiful old town and is just a 10-minute walk from Castlegrande. Rooms cost £40 a night. Casa Jolanda (casajoland.com) has a pool, so you can take advantage of the Mediterranean weather, and it offers apartments with fully equipped kitchens. Flats start at £76 a night.

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Out of this world

Exploring the salt lakes, geysers and other-worldly landscapes of Earth’s highest and driest desert WORDS: ANDY WESTBROOK

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Space, we’re told, is the final frontier. It’s endless, barely explored and a home to the unknown. But best of all, it’s somewhere we might just experience for ourselves within the next few years, if we can get our hands on a spare quarter of a million dollars of course.

For now, however, I’m content. I’ve travelled to another planet without leaving our world. I was in South America last time I checked, but now I’m on Mars it seems. Or at least the Moon.

I’m breathing without a mask and walking without gravity boots, but my surroundings are alien. No people are in sight, only craters, dunes and craggy peaks. The colour palette is minimal – just reds, whites and oranges, under an untainted ocean of blue. It’s stark and brutal, but most of all, it’s utterly gorgeous.

It’s then that a tourist cycles past, bringing me back down to Earth – this place might look like Mars, but it’s actually the Atacama Desert in northern Chile.

The harsh beauty of deserts never fails to amaze me, but none I’ve witnessed can top the Atacama. Quite literally, in fact, as it’s the highest altitude desert in the world, sitting around

BIGTRIP

4km above sea level. It’s also the driest, with some sections having seen zero rainfall since records began. Yep, zero.

This otherworldly landscape, full of volcanoes, salt lakes and geysers, is also perfect for outdoor enthusiasts, as I’ve been discovering. The desert’s main tourism hub is laidback San Pedro de Atacama, a historic oasis town full of hostels and tour operators where the stats for population and altitude produce similar numbers.

I’m staying a few clicks from the action, at luxury hideaway Alto Atacama (altoatacama.com). It’s a place with a passionate respect for the surrounding environment, starting with its intelligent design, blending seamlessly into the Cordillera de la Sal, the neighbouring salt mountains.

It’s also a place that takes indulgence and pampering to another level, while still having a travellers’ spirit of adventure at heart. As such, the Alto has arranged a series of roadtrips, treks and mountain bike expeditions to help me see the area, and I can’t wait to get cracking.

Easing my way into the high-altitude conditions, I start with a gentle bike ride across the Salar de Atacama, Chile’s

largest salt flat, to one of the region’s more picturesque salt lakes, the Laguna Cejar. The journey is thankfully easygoing, allowing me to take in the backdrop; a jagged white plain that rushes for the horizon, only to be blocked by the brooding might of the giant volcanoes of the Andes, hiding Bolivia beyond. It’s spectacular stuff, but is quickly surpassed when my destination comes into view.

Dazzlingly blue, the salty sinkhole is like a splash of colour dropped from the paint pot sky onto a blank canvas landscape and, even after just an hour’s ride through the desert, it’s hard to imagine a more welcoming sight. So in I plunge. Immediately, I wish I’d ridden a little harder, so icy is the water. But as the numbness kicks in, so does the salt – this is South America’s answer to the Dead Sea and I’m bobbing merrily on the surface. It’s a magical feeling – if you can blank out the icy out-of-breathness – helped even more when a pink flamingo flies overhead.

Back at the ranch, I opt to clamber up the rocks looming over the Alto, where perched up high are the remains of an old fortress.

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Photos: Alto Atacama and Andrew Westbrook

BIGTRIP

Alto Atacama Built by the Licanantay tribe in the 12th-century to protect their water supply, the Pukara de Quitor fortress was home to some hardy locals, people who chose to farm corn and raise llamas in one of the most inhospitable places on the planet, while spending centuries repelling the Incas and then the Spanish to protect their right to do so.

However, like a chapter straight from A Game of Thrones, the end eventually came, and it wasn’t pretty. Finally victorious in 1540, the Spanish were in no mood for dealing with reprisals. As a warning, they beheaded 300 locals and crowned the fortress with their heads, thereby creating the area’s new nickname, ‘Village of the Heads’. The message, it seems, is that life in the desert is never easy.

Indeed, the next morning I’m up before dawn, driving 90km north to El Tatio, the highest geysers in the world. With temperatures hovering around -10°C, before considering the added joys of severe wind chill, I’ve left an empty bag in my room as I travel Michelin Man-

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style, layered up to the max. I’m still shivering, but it’s not important; the geothermal field is a sight to behold.

Located 4,320m above sea level, it’s a place where freezing subterranean waters collide with hot volcanic rocks, creating a build-up of pressure that squeezes through some 500 holes in the Earth’s crust. Spouting, bubbling and rushing from the ground at around 85°C, the water hits the cold air causing steam to shoot 10m high.

Despite the extreme cold, it’s an epic vision, especially as the day’s first rays of sun peek over the Andes, giving the dragon field an even more ethereal quality. Munching a picnic breakfast among the towers of steam, it’s hard for me to imagine a place where the raw power of nature is more clearly on display.

And so the days continue in this most dramatic of destinations.

Exploring the desert by light, before returning to enjoy the night skies and Pisco Sours in comfort each evening.

One day I cycle through the Katarpe Valley, crossing San Pedro River to Devil’s Canyon, where I must duck and slide between the high walls of salt, clay and gypsum. Other times I hike through dried-up riverbeds littered with cactuses, my eyes peeled for

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Photos: Alto Atacama and Andrew Westbrook

BIGTRIP

foxes, condors and the ever-present llamas. We even drop by a James Bond set in the form of Machuca, a tiny and remote village used in Daniel Craig’s Quantum of Solace.

My final stop is perhaps the most memorable (although the competition is tough), as we venture into the Valle de la Muerte and Valle de la Luna, or Death Valley and Moon Valley. So alien are these landscapes that I’m not surprised to learn NASA are regular visitors, keen to test their Mars gadgets in a similar environment.

We puff our way up giant dunes to admire the view of salt towers that dot the arid ridges. Then, with the sun dipping, we make our way to the high-up rocks overlooking Moon Valley. Once there, and with the wine now free-flowing, it’s simply time to sit back and enjoy the show, as the blazing sun drops into the lunar foreground. As sunsets go, it’s out of this world.

Even better, the descent of darkness means the show is far from over. The combination of high altitude, very dry air and almost zero light pollution means there’s no better place on the planet for a bit of stargazing – indeed, it’s for good reason that the most expensive telescope on Earth, the $1 billion ALMA, was unveiled in the Atacama just last year.

As luck would have it, the Alto is also a fan of the night skies and has invested in its own hefty 16in telescope.

It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced proper stargazing equipment and, as the craters on the Moon come into focus, I’m hooked. By the time I spot Saturn’s rings, I’m totally sold.

It might be a while before I can buy that ticket to space, but, for the time being, I’m more than happy with our very own alien world.

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A There are plenty of options in Europe that fit the bill, but I think Stockholm will be just what you are after. This cosmopolitan Scandinavian city oozes style with gourmet restaurants and minimalist design shops. The charming Gamla Stan (old town) is delightful to stroll around and the royal palace is a must see. For a different way to see the city, take the rooftop tour (upplevmer.se).

East of the city on the island of Djurgården is an open-air museum and heritage experience Skansen (skansen.se), which offers further insight into Swedish culture and history.

The enormous 75-acre site includes a replica 19th-century Swedish town, and in December Skansen also hosts a popular Christmas market.

Also on Djurgården island, make sure you visit the Vasa Museum (vasamuseet.se), which houses a carefully preserved 17th

-century sailing ship. It’s an impressive sight!

For active pursuits in winter, there are a number of nearby ski slopes; check out Hammarbybacken which is a short hop by public transport from the city centre. There’s also a number of magical ice rinks in the city in winter.

While Sweden is famed for its ice hotel, this is located a whopping 800 miles north of the city. Instead, visit the Ice Bar (icebarstockholm.se) for a shorter frozen experience. Then to get warm visit one of the city’s spas; Centralbadet offers a great art nouveau setting to relax in (centralbadet.se).

For accommodation, Stockholm offers plenty of interesting choices. For a great way to appreciate Stockholm’s archipelago setting, stay on the Red Boat hotel and hostel which offers maritime-themed rooms for £127 for a double room including breakfast. For a cheaper alternative, try the Chapman ship accommodation on Skeppsholmen island (£30 per person for a dorm).

Stockholm’s latitude affords reasonable daylight hours even in winter. In November for example, you will have daylight from 7am-4pm so you will have enough time to see the city’s sights in daylight and then cosy up in one of the bars of hip neighbourhood Södermalm in the evening.

CHOOSE WISELY If you’re travelling as a two, always pre-book your seats by the window and the aisle. Rarely will someone choose to be squashed in the middle, and so if the flight isn’t full you will likely have an empty seat between you so you can spread out. If someone does sit there, simply ask if you can switch so you can sit next to your mate. Also look out for flights that have rows of three chairs and then two chairs near the back. Try to bag the aisle chair on the last row of three chairs and you can fully recline without disturbing anyone behind you.

Caroline, Bethnal Green

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DUNLUCE CASTLE Trevor Kirkpatrick, Ballycastle TELL US MORE The famous Dunluce Castle in Northern Ireland is on my drive home from work, but I’ve never taken the time before to stop and truly appreciate how wonderful it is.

VAL D’ISERE – DECEMB ER 19-28, 2014

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This 28-day adventure takes you to major European cultural hubs, tiny winter getaways and, best of all, offers three days on the slopes in the Tyrol region of Austria. Departs December 9th, includes 27 nights hotel accommodation, Topdeck Trip Leader & Driver, sightseeing tours of all major cities and heaps more awesome inclusions such as a gondola ride in Venice and a bicycle tour of Amsterdam. topdeck.travel/tnt-deals

< £250 PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC Two nights staying at the 5-star Grandior Hotel Prague from £126pp on a B&B basis.

Centrally located in Prague, this 5-star hotel is within close proximity of Palladium Shopping Centre and Republic Square. Includes return flights from London Stansted, departing November 25th. lowcostholidays.com QAWRA, MALTA Seven nights’ half-board accommodation at the 4-star Hotel Qawra Palace from £190pp. Qawra has an impressive promenade that stretches to neighbouring Bugibba, which has plenty of bars, restaurants and shops. Includes return flights from London Stansted, departs November 29th. lowcostholidays.com

MARRAKECH, MOROCCO Five nights at the 5-star Sofitel Lounge & Spa Hotel in Marrakech from £199pp. It is a fantastic destination for a romantic holiday and is a great base for exploring the city’s historic centre – the Jemaa el Fna’ Square is just 10 minutes’ walk away. Includes return flights from London Stansted, departing on various dates between November 29 & February 6. qwertytravel.com

£250-500 ​ UERTO DE LA CRUZ, TENERIFE P 14 nights self-catering accommodation at the 3-star Casa Del Sol Hotel in Puerto de la Cruz from £265.76pp. Located 900m from the centre of Puerto de la Cruz with a variety of shops, bars and restaurants. The beach is approx 1km walk away. Includes return flights from London Gatwick, departing November 25th. sunshine.co.uk ​ ADEIRA, PORTUGAL Ten nights allM inclusive at the 4-star Dom Pedro Baia Hotel from £332pp. Overlooking the beach of Machico Bay and a few steps from the picturesque and historic fishing village of Machico. Includes return flights from London Gatwick, departing November 26th. icelolly.com

HURGHADA, EGYPT Seven nights’ allinclusive accommodation at the 5-star Jungle Aqua Park from £279pp. Boasting an aqua park resort feature, this hotel is perfect for all water lovers, with 32 pools and the private Dana Beach offering lazy days in the sun.

Includes return flights from London Gatwick departing December 1st. teletextholidays.co.uk

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> £500 DELHI TO GOA Fifteen days travelling from Delhi to Goa from £559pp. Enjoy a fast-paced adventure, experience the Taj Mahal, uncover bustling cities, capture colourful Rajasthan in the viewfinder, relax on quiet beaches in Goa. Includes hotel accommodation, all transport between destinations and to/from included activities.

Does not include external flights. Departs December 7th. statravel.com CAPE TOWN & GARDEN ROUTE, SOUTH AFRICA Thirteen day self-drive holiday to South Africa from £1339pp. Four nights accommodation at a 4-star Cape Town hotel, free car hire for the entire trip, two nights bed & breakfast at a 4-star hotel in Stellenbosch and two nights bed & breakfast accommodation at the Garden-Route Game Lodge including plus four free game drives, two nights 4-star bed & breakfast accommodation at Knysna. Includes return flights from London to Cape Town, departs various dates in November. theinternettraveller.com

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SO CLOSE YET SO FAR-KED Here the All Blacks celebrate their match-winning try to beat the Wallabies 29-28 and lock down another year with the Bledisloe Cup. Then Ewen McKenzie quit as coach – and said we’ll find out why in his book.

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FLASHBACK...

2010

SLAM DUNK GETS AUSSIE CHANCE CRICKET

Tasmania’s Ben Dunk has a chance to take his immense domestic form to the international stage against South Africa in this month’s Twenty20 series.

Dunk had to be picked for the Australian side after his record 229 knock out against Queensland, and he will take the gloves at Adelaide Oval on November 5.

Bulls big hitter Nathan Reardon was the other bolter in a side to be skippered

by Aaron Finch and with the experience of Shane Watson back from injury.

Just four players remain from the one that faced Pakistan in Dubai earlier this month – Finch, Sean Abbott, Cameron Boyce, James Faulkner and Kane Richardson – with Faulkner only to join the squad once he’s no longer needed in the Middle East.

National selector Rod Marsh said selection is a chance to impress ahead of the World Cup. “While the 2016 ICC World Twenty20 seems a long time away, the nature of short T20 series at international level means every match between now and then is a great opportunity for players to show what they’re capable of against high-quality opposition,” said Marsh.

“The squad itself includes a good blend of youth and experience, providing Aaron with multiple options with both bat and ball.”

The Australia and South Africa series will be aired live on Sky Sports 2.

As the Aussies return home for the series against the Proteas, followed by Tests against India over Christmas, New Zealand’s Blackcaps follow their series 78

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Australia are unbackable favourites for the Four Nations but flashback to 2010 when New Zealand’s Kiwis got the better of the Kangaroos at Suncorp Stadium in Brisbane.

Could happen again come final time on November 15, if England don’t have something to say about it.

against South Africa to head the other way to face Pakistan.

Three Tests in the UAE (Nov 9, 17 and 26) will be followed by two T20s and five ODIs.

SOCCER-WHOS FACE SAMURAI FOOTBALL

Ange Postecoglou has been preparing his Socceroos as he sees fit, chopping and changing the line-up in unconvincing warm-up matches that included a 0-0 draw with the UAE and a shock loss to Qatar.

Against Japan on Nov 18, the last game before they host the Asian Cup, fans expect a good show from something close to a full-strength line-up. The Aussies expect to be pushing to win the first major international tournament Down Under, but with the shaky defence and a strikeforce that includes ageing Tim Cahill as the only regular threat isn’t a good sign.

BIG MONTH FOR...

Australian rugby’s autumn internationals took on a whole new meaning when Ewen McKenzie quit as coach after the 29-28 loss in the third Bledisloe Cup match. Super Rugbywinning Waratahs coach Michael Cheika now gets his chance to start over in Europe with Michael Hooper (pictured) and co, with the Barbarians at Twickenham followed by Tests against Wales (Nov 8), France (Nov 15), Ireland (Nov 22) and finally England (Nov 29), ahead of next year’s World Cup back here. For those with a pint half full, there can’t be a Northern Hemisphere series in recent years where an Aussie side’s been under less pressure...

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HIGHLIGHTS THIS MONTH

Words: Michael Gadd. Photos: Getty

PREVIEW

Nico Rosberg locks up in pursuit of Lewis Hamilton in Russia

CAN HAMILTON HOLD OFF THE CHASERS? ABU DHABI GRAND PRIX, NOVEMBER 23

Lewis Hamilton takes the lead into the final three Grand Prix races of the season in the United States (Nov 2), Brazil (Nov 9) and Abu Dhabi (Nov 23).

After a tumultuous season going head to head with his Mercedes teammate Nico Rosberg, Hamilton’s finishing with a wet sail after four wins in a row.

But Rosberg’s been keeping in touch with seconds in the last two races despite set-backs.

And with the stakes higher than ever

with the season’s 19th and final race at the Yas Marina Circuit being worth double points for the first time, it’ll still be all to race for.

Last year’s race here was won by the champion Sebastian Vettel, who’s already confirmed he’ll be leaving Red Bull for Ferrari. Second was Mark Webber, who’s been replaced by fellow Aussie Daniel Ricciardo – perhaps the success story of the season with a mathematical chance of improving his third place in the championship race.

LET’S GET TRIVIAL | ATP World Tour Finals Novak Djokovic (pictured) is going for three year-ending titles on the trot when the ATP Tour Finals hit London’s O2 Arena from November 9 to 16. The best eight of the year contest, this concentrated tournament has Roger Federer, winner of six of the past 11 of this incarnation, along with Rafael Nadal and Stanislav Wawrinka, among the early lock-ins for the lineup. For Nadal, it’s one trophy he doesn’t have in his cabinet, though he’s twice made the final.

When Djokovic makes the decider, he wraps it up quickly, with a straight sets win coming in his three successful finals. For those after valuefor-ticket-money, get behind Federer – when the Swiss champ wins the last game it tends to go the distance. Only one of his five wins have been in straight sets.

Oct 31-2 F1: United States Grand Prix 1 RL 4 Nations: New Zealand v Samoa 1 RU Int: Australia v Barbarians 2 RL 4 Nations: Australia v England 3-7 Swimming: World Short Course Champs 3 Prem League: Crystal Palace v Sunderland; Arsenal v Southampton; Chelsea v Tottenham 4 HORSE RACING: MELBOURNE CUP 5 Cricket 1st T20I: Australia v South Africa 7-9 F1: Brazil Grand Prix 7 Cricket 2nd T20I: Australia v South Africa 8 RL 4 Nations: New Zealand v England 8 RU Int: England v New Zealand; Ireland v South Africa; Wales v Australia 8 Prem League: Liverpool v Chelsea; West Ham v Aston Villa; QPR v Man City 9 RL 4 Nations: Australia v Samoa 9 Prem League: Tottenham v Stoke 9-16 Tennis: ATP World Tour Finals 9 Cricket 3rd T20I: Australia v South Africa 14 Cricket 1st ODI: Australia v South Africa 15 RL 4 Nations: FINAL 15 RU Int: France v Australia; England v South Africa; Scotland v New Zealand 15 Euro Qual: England v Slovenia 16 Cricket 2nd ODI: Australia v South Africa 18 Football Int: Japan v Australia 19 Cricket 3rd ODI: Australia v South Africa 21 RU Prem: Harlequins v Sale 21-23 F1: Abu Dhabi Grand Prix 21 Cricket 4th ODI: Australia v South Africa 22 RU Prem: London Irish v Bath 22 RU Int: Ireland v Australia; Wales v New Zealand; England v Samoa 22 Prem League: Chelsea v West Brom; Arsenal v Man Utd 23 RU Prem: Saracens v Northampton; London Welsh v Leicester 23 Prem League: Crystal Palace v Liverpool 23 Cricket 5th ODI: Australia v South Africa 26 Cricket 1st ODI: Sri Lanka v England 27 Euro Qual: England v Lithuania 28 RU Prem: Bath v Harlequins 29 RU Int: England v Australia; Wales v South Africa 29 Prem League: QPR v Leicester; West Ham v Newcastle 29 Cricket 2nd ODI: Sri Lanka v England 30 RU Prem: London Irish v Gloucester; London Welsh v Northampton 30 Prem League: Tottenham v Everton 29 Prem League: West Ham v Newcastle 29 RU Int: England v Australia 29 Cricket 2nd ODI: Sri Lanka v England 30 RU Prem: London Irish v Gloucester; London Welsh v Northampton 30 Prem League: Tottenham v Everton Dec 3 Cricket 3rd ODI: Sri Lanka v England Dec 4-8 Cricket Test: Australia v India

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Words: Michael Gadd. Photos: Getty

SPORTFOCUS

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The big switch No one’s done it, but the best haven’t tried. Does Jarryd Hayne really have a shot at NFL success?

He cried at the press conference as though he’d let his team, fans and family down in classic superstar sportsman style – insert nightclub taxi queue incident here – but Jarryd Hayne’s announcement was not an apology for some tedious misdemeanor.

As the highest of flyers in rugby league, the tears from the ‘Hayne Plane’ showed his bombshell to quit the code to chase his “dream” of playing in the National Football League wasn’t made lightly.

At just 26, he had not just his best years ahead but had completed the biggest year of his career. His second Dally M medal, a starring role in the drought-breaking State of Origin series win for NSW, a World Cup win with Australia and a host of other accolades, proved his farewell gifts as he took off for the States.

No contract, not even a concrete offer; only a trial awaited Hayne when he got to his new base in Los Angeles last month.

So are his ambitions realistic? Hayne is fast, strong, evasive and, for his size, has remarkable agility, co-ordination and timing. Amazing for the NRL, but he won’t be lining up for a franchise anytime soon. Rather than running at a line and having space and freedom to riff, he’ll have to learn to be part of a massive set-play machine. With or without the ball he’ll be smashed from any angle by just about anyone on the field.

He’ll have less room, less time and no weak links to target.

He’s too small to play tight end. Too slow to be a wide receiver. But he knows that.

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So Hayne is embarking on a 12-month programme to trim down and speed up, indicating he’ll be targeting a push for a place in a roster as a running back. He’s also been mooted as suited to being a kickoff/punt returner.

Detroit Lions star Reggie Bush likes the look of him. “I think he’d do pretty well actually,” he said. “Because he’s quick, he’s elusive, he’s powerful, he’s fast, he has great vision and those are all the things you need to play running back in the NFL.” Bush could have been saying that, though, because he was asked by Australian press. Bush is a gun running back, quicker with helmet and pads on than Hayne without them, a couple of inches shorter and about 10kg lighter.

One thing Hayne’s already sorted with is his ability to handle attention. He was greeted at LAX like a celebrity, but it was a flock of Aussie journalists feeding the curiosity of the public back home. To the States, he’s merely on the pile of unproven talent already there.

“It has really blown me away,” he said of the positive response from the Aussie public to his move. “I never realised the reaction of the Australian public would be so generous.

I’m excited to venture on this journey; it’s going to be a tough road but I’m looking forward to it.”

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Super Bowl-winning Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said Hayne has transferrable skills that will give him a head start.

“I always thought it would be cool to recruit down there [from the NRL] because there’s some great players and it’s a great game,” said Carroll, whose HQ Hayne visited in an offseason trip with Parramatta.

“It’s a very physical, demanding game and those guys have all the same kind of stuff that we’re looking for in our guys.

“There is a lot of just general carryover because it’s running, making people miss, tackling, hitting, and being tough and physical and all that stuff. Those things are pretty common.”

Hayden Smith is best qualified to speak on the subject.

Another Aussie, he went to the States on a basketball scholarship, wound up playing rugby union for the States and had an NFL career as a tight end with the New York Jets that amounted to a single pass received. “The first thing you have to understand is the language they use and the little nuances

of what is actually happening on the field. Only then can you start working on techniques. It is a long process before you can actually take to the field and contribute,” he said on his return to London rugby club Saracens.

Best case scenario for Hayne will be a roster place in 2015 and – far from the offer to be the NRL’s richest player he turned down a couple years back – he’ll be down the bottom of the barrel. The last thing clubs are looking at mid-season is a new face unproven in the sport.

Lions head coach Jim Caldwell is among six mentors reportedly interested but not bending over backwards for the Aussie and Fiji international.

“Our focus is pretty narrow this time of the year, so getting out of that realm, it’s hard to do [making the code switch], but it could happen,” he said.

And with a good head on his shoulders, if anyone can make it happen, Hayne can.

G A M E C H A N G E R S LAWRENCE OKOYE British record discus thrower. Signed to San Francisco 49ers in 2013 and in current practice squad as a defensive lineman.

HAYDEN SMITH Supreme athlete, basketballer, Saracens lock.

Huge achievement to make the NY Jets line-up, but didn’t last.

SAM BURGESS South Sydney and England rugby league superstar.

Rugby union career with Bath delayed by broken face in NRL GF.

ISRAEL FOLAU Rugby league sensation’s conversion to AFL not so great, but is a force for rugby union’s Wallabies.

SONNY BILL WILLIAMS Ditched league’s Bulldogs for union and won the World Cup, returned to league to win an NRL title and back with the All Blacks.

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LIFESTYLE CAREERS | LIVING | CLASSIFIEDS | DESPERATELY SEEKING PAINTING THE TOWN RED (AND PURPLE, YELLOW AND PINK)

Photo: Supplied

This painting, ‘Street Engine’ by Annu Kilpelainen, was unveiled in London’s Southbank last month as part of a nationwide campaign, ‘Colour Britain’ with Dulux. Using vibrant colours to brighten up autumn, the painting also includes London icons, which were suggested by locals on Twitter at #ColourBritain

LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Camp Canada Escape your dreary 9-5 and spend your days tearing around the great outdoors at a summer camp in Canada Whether this is your first or your fifth year in England, it’s hard to adjust to its poor excuse for a summer. So why not escape on a holiday that you get paid to take and adds to your CV, too?

Summer camps are a great option, giving you the chance to travel, get active outdoors, and earn money for the privilege. But we’re not just talking about the usual Camp America. TNT checks out their friendly neighbours for something a little different...

Why Canada?

As well as being seriously stunning, the Canadian landscape is a giant playground for adventure-seekers, with activities such as horseriding, canoeing, climbing and trekking on offer.

“Canada has a huge amount of 84

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untouched wilderness that you get to explore,” says Jonathan Nyquist, founder of NYQuest, which helps place applicants in 55 camps across North America. “Our participants get a chance to travel before and/or after their work experience and there is no shortage of amazing places to visit.”

What are the camps like?

It depends what experience you want: NYQuest matches your needs and preferences with the camps it has on its books, so it’s worth filling out your application form with the camp you want in mind. Some examples are Camp Summit in British Columbia, which is the rock climbing capital of Canada; you can sleep in tipis at YMCA Camp Chief Hector in Alberta; Camp Timberlane in

Ontario has tennis, hockey and baseball, and Camp White Pine has drama and a ‘School of Rock’.

Or, for a really rewarding experience, there are camps such as the Tim Horton Children’s Ranch in Alberta.

Belinda Brand, an Australian who spent three months in the latter camp, tells us: “There is now a time in my life that I refer to as ‘BC’ – before camp. Before camp, I had never been to Canada. Before camp, I’d never interacted with children who essentially have nothing, and I’d never been able to be an agent for change in those same children’s lives. Before camp, I was a different person.”

What jobs are there?

Counsellors are the most hands-on of

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ON THE JOB

Photos: www.go-nyquest.com and Thinkstock. Words: Caroline

Anita Pouroulis from South Africa is a children’s book author

the staff: they work directly with the campers, take them on trips and join in with all the activities.

Then there are specialists, who will have a particular activity skill, and so they will regularly host that activity session for all the camp’s groups.

Support staff do the hard graft, such as the kitchen duties and general maintenance. If you have a skill that you think could be useful at a summer camp, it’s always worth getting in touch.

While many Canadian summer camps start their recruitment drives between eight and nine months prior to the season, there’s often need for “topup” staff. Still, to be in with the best chance, you want to be making your applications as early as the previous September (so be sure to apply now if you haven’t already!).

What’s the pay?

You do this for the experience, not the money, as camp counsellors only earn up to CA$1,600 (£1,000) for an 8-10 week summer placement, while support staff earn up to CA$1,800 (£1,200). On the plus side, your accommodation

and meals are all covered, plus health insurance, transportation, training and phone and internet, so most of that will go straight into your pocket.

The costs you have to cover include your return flight, application fee, programme fee, Canadian work permit fee and background and medical check fees. With NYQuest, your application fee and programme fee totals CA$650 (£360), although if you return to the same camp the following year, the programme fee for that season is waived. Also, if you get a wriggle on and apply before December 1 you will save $100, or $50 if you apply before February 1.

The company also offers a flight assist programme, where it pays for your flight upfront and then deducts it from your camp salary.

How do I apply?

Fill in the form at go-nyquest.com/ apply.html. Also try CCUSA (ccusa. co.uk), which covers USA and Canada.

Or, if you have your heart set on one particular camp, get in touch with them directly. However, by limiting your choices, you are limiting your chances.

What does your job involve?

I try to give my ideas life by putting pen to paper, and in so doing, provide entertainment, information and pleasure to young readers – I hope!

How did you get your job?

I was a primary school teacher and studied psychology and writing parttime while I was working. I moved from teacher to magazine writer and copy editor. After I became a mother, I thought I would see if I could take all the ideas that were bouncing around in my head and turn them into stories.

What career advice to you have?

Read as much as you can. Write down all your imaginings and ideas as you never know when you’ll use them.

And don’t ever think that your ideas are silly or not good enough because one day they may lead to a superb story! anitapouroulis.com

TO WORK AT A CAMP IN CANADA YOU MUST...

• Be available to travel by June 22 and work until at least August 22 • Be age 18-30 by June 1 of the placement year • Have a clean criminal record • Be in good physical and psychological health • Be able to work long hours with children and teenagers • Be comfortable leading activities • Be willing to have a go at a wide range of sports and wilderness camping experiences • Be able to speak good English

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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It was all going so well... there were no arguments, no tantrums, no noisy sex/music/ door slams. Bliss. And then disaster strikes... your awesome housemate’s visa expires, and you have to hunt for a replacement with a heavy heart.

However, be cool. Don’t be desperate and pick anyone. You’ll regret it in the longterm, and you need to make sure that you’ve got a lifestyle that fits in with the people you’ll be living with.

This is Gumtree.com’s ultimate checklist of handy interview questions to ask potential new housemates. Use it...

What sort of music are you into?

If you want to avoid bickering over the choice of pre-drinks tunes and who should turn their music down, then it might be a good idea to see what sort of music they’re into. It’s a great ice-breaker and who knows, you might even end up with a gig buddy.

How long are you hoping to stay for?

They may seem like they’re going to be your new BFF but if they’re only looking for a short-term stay, they may be out of your house and out of your life before you know it. This can be great if the arrangement suits you; for example, sometimes flat mates go travelling for short bursts of time and in this case, finding someone to fill their room for a couple of months would be really handy.

However, usually it means more paperwork and more interviewing once your new housemate has left, so sometimes it’s easier and less time-consuming to look for people who are in it for the long haul.

What would your ideal Saturday night involve?

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that a homebody who prefers a cup of tea and a couple of Hobnobs before bed at 10pm on a Saturday night isn’t likely to get on with

Photos: Thinkstock

mandco.com

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someone who frequently rolls in during the early hours of Sunday morning, ready to keep the music and dancing going with a hoard of new pals they picked up from the local club. As well as disturbing each other’s sleeping patterns, it’s always nice to share a house with someone you have similar social interests with.

Do you expect to have any regular overnight guests?

This can be a clever way of finding out whether your new potential housemate has a significant other or not, and how often they would expect them to stay.

While for some it can be great having more company in the house, you could easily end up as the third wheel and the water bills may become suspiciously high due to the extra housemate who, as you guessed, isn’t expected to contribute to the bills.

that they can’t really afford from their expenses-only internship.

Do you smoke?

If you’re a non-smoker, it’s probably best to decide beforehand if you’d be happy to live with a smoker (and vice versa), and if so where they’d smoke. After all, not everyone wants to live in a chimney.

How do you feel about us having a cleaning rota?

Even if you don’t actually have a cleaning rota in place, this is a good question to ask as it will give you a general idea about this person’s tidiness and cleaning routines. If they don’t seem too keen then don’t be surprised when the dirty dishes pile up and the fridge starts reeking of week-old leftover takeaway – yuck!

What do you do/what hours do you work?

A clash of working hours is a classic way problems can arise in a house share.

If you enjoy your own space, having a housemate that works night shifts while you’re on the typical 9-5 grind can be a blessing in disguise. However in many cases, the difference in sleep patterns and mealtimes can cause distance and a disturbance of routine. Asking about their work is also a great way of finding out how stable their job is – as you don’t want to spend your evenings guiltily yapping at your flat mate for last month’s rent

HOW TO DEAL WITH COMMON ISSUES...

The dirty housemate: Dirty dishes, bath scum and smelly socks can cause riots in any household. If you are friends, turn it around so it almost sounds like your problem by saying something like, ‘You know what I’m like about cleaning!’. Even if you are foe not friends, you should choose your words wisely. It’s best not to sound accusatory.

The noisy housemate: If your roomie is a nightowl whereas you like to be tucked up by 10pm, when you go to bed, announce it so that people know you need some peace. Most people don’t actually realise when they are being noisy, so don’t be quick to get mad. Just pop your head round the door and calmly ask if they could keep it down a bit as you’ve got an early one tomorrow.

The freeloading housemate: They ‘forget’ to

pay rent and you have to practically beg them for money for the shopping and bills. Before you fly off the handle ask yourself if they are disorganised or forgetful as a person. If so try suggesting they set up a Direct Debit. Or perhaps they assume you are in charge of these items so need telling this is not the case. If they have money troubles and you keep bailing them out, they’ve got to go. They are not your responsibility, even if they are your mate.

The thieving housemate: Your milk, your eggs or, the cardinal sin, your beer. If a housemate nicks your food or drink it can make your blood boil – and your belly rumble. Make sure you have seperate shelves of the fridge and cupboard, and if you ever want something of theirs, always ask first and replace it as soon as you can – then hopefully they will follow suit.

LONDON TIPS

Top 6 urban angling spots Fishing isn’t reserved for country bumpkins y’know. The folk at pondiptacklebox.com share their top spots to dip your rod in the city.

1) Richmond Park Steeped in history and wildlife and set in 2,360 acres of parkland, Richmond Park is home to thousands of wild deer as well as some of the best looking carp this country has to offer. (40lb+ is the largest to date, yes 40lb – bigger than some pet dogs!)

2) Clapham Common Ponds This location offers the beginner a place to wet his or her line and be in with a chance of bagging fish over 20lb. Did we mention it is free to fish?

3) Burgess Park – Southwark Burgess offers the day-ticket angler the chance to catch plenty of bream, roach, tench and carp. Situated in 56 hectares of beautiful parkland it is a must for you and a bunch of mates.

4) Hampstead Heath Hamstead Heath offers six ponds in which to fish, free of charge (although you must obtain a fishing permit before you start). Plenty of bream, roach, tench and carp can be caught here.

5) The Thames With 215 miles to choose from you’re spoilt for choice here, but for you urban types we suggest stretches at Kingston, Hampton Court and Thames Ditton – every species under the sun can be caught within its mystical depths.

6) The Southeast Docklands Home to some of the most urbanlooking fishing spots and some of the best looking and varied carp you’ll ever see. Not much in the way of grassy banks but the pretty canal boats will make up for it.

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RECRUITMENT

To advertise call 020 7989 0567 or sales@tntmagazine.com

Want to work at the celeb parties and hottest venues this Christmas and New Years?

Fast growing promotional advertising company specialising in the hair, beauty, nightclubs and fitness industries are looking for young, dynamic and fit individuals that are money driven and can work to targets. Must have good people skills, enjoy meeting new people and working out and about with the opposite sex.

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We work with the coolest venues, and 5* hotels and are looking for smiley people to join our team. All training provided for free!

If you’re fun, smiley and want to be paid £7 and over to work at the best places this season (waiter, bar and supervisor roles available!), then get in touch!!

For an immediate interview please call Sky on 0203 601 5758 between 10:30 – 17:30

Send your CV to Demi@EvolveHospitality.co.uk

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

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Are you desperately seeking someone or something? Email caroline.garnar@tntmagazine.com with your message

SAY WHAT?!

He looked like a meat ball with eyes. i don’t like meat balls. if he’d looked like a chicken tikka masala it would be a different matter.

Big revenge: To the guy who said I have a big arse, you have a big nose. So there. And yes it too me this long to think of that response, but now it’s in print and will last fooooreeeever. Probably.

Muffled moments: My house is freezing. Any lovely ladies out there willing for me to use their thighs as ear muffs? The furrier the better.

is £100. Sign up today to support a great cause at doctorsoftheworld. org.uk/santa Hear me roar: Man I see at the gym every Tuesday and Thursday, you are really fucking hot. I want to find out if your sex face is the same as your lifting weights face, i.e. red, screwed up and accompanied by a big ‘ROAR’. What a man. Sara

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES I’ll be there in 10.

I’ve just soiled myself so need to change quickly.

I’m in need of some serious TLC. Tender loving cock.

I woke up with a pussy on my face this morning. i probably should have said cat shouldn’t i?

You’re not a chocolate digestive, you’re a hobnob. mainly because it has the word ‘nob’ in it.

have you ever noticed how stupid people always seem to be happy? i wish i was stupid.

Take to the ice at Somerset House. Excellent move ma’am. 10 points.

Festive fundraising: Run 5k or 10k at the Santa Run in aid of Doctors of the World, a humanitarian charity providing healthcare to vulnerable people around the world, in London’s Victoria Park on Sunday December 7. Registration fee is £22 (includes free Santa suit). Fundraising target

Man in red: Is it just me or does anyone else have a crush on Chris de Burgh? I think he’s ridiculously sexy. And I’m a straight man.

Tom-ato: I saw you in the salad section in Tesco’s near Aldgate East and our eyes met over the lettuce.

I went as red as the tomatoes and was too shy to ask for your number.

Meet you by the bananas on Monday night? Tom Travel by Toyota: I’m selling a Toyota Estima Emina 1993, 70,000 miles and MOT till April 2015. It’s a super car, I just took it around Europe with some friends and had no issues. Awesome travel car!

Wanting to sell for £1,600 but offers can be made!!! I need to buy a ticket to Australia :). Email rochellenchurch@gmail.com Shower shame: John Enoch, I know we’ve only been on four dates but I am falling for you. I know it would freak you out if I told you so I thought it would be better to announce it in a public format. Your future wife (I hope), Cindy Bailey In a pickle: You’re a kinky little monkey and I love your naughty ways. Thanks for opening up my eyes to the wonders of what can be done with a few hair grips and a jar of pickled onions.

Well stone me: I’m a lady on the large side – I’m 20 stone – and I am looking for a man who would enjoy me sitting on him. Naked or not, I don’t mind. But it will be for at least hour-long intervals.

Crying over spilt milk: Mate, if you’re going to drink my chocolate milk at least don’t spill it all over the carpet. At least I’m hoping that’s what the brown wet patch on the floor in the living room is...

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*201

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