Table of Contents Cover.........................................................................................1 Anger Inventory....................................................................3 What’s Your Anger Style? ...................................................4 Practicing Anger Management .......................................5 Am I Assertive? ......................................................................6 Measuring Assertiveness...................................................7 Saying No With Style...........................................................8 Caring for the Caregiver.....................................................9 Caring for the Caregiver: Recognizing Feelings ......10 When a Loved One Is Near Death.................................11 Communicating With “Body Language”.....................12 Communicating With Your Stance and Gestures....13 Listening Is Communicating, Too .................................14 Training Your Voice ............................................................15 4 Steps to More Effective Speech .................................16 Working With Difficult People .......................................17 Resolving Conflicts: What’s Your Style? ......................18 Seven Steps to Fair Conflict Resolution......................19 Conflict Resolution: Assessing the Outcome ...........20 The One-Minute Creativity Exercise ............................21 “Logical ” vs. Creative Problem Solving ......................22 Get Out of That Rut!...........................................................23 Desicion Making: Weighing Your Options...............24 Decision Making For Leaders..........................................25 Recognizing Negative Gender Stereotypes..............26 Values: Where Did You Get Your Values? ....................27 Ethics on the Job - Where Do You Stand?..................28 Feelings Are Like Weather...............................................29 Expressing Feelings ...........................................................30 Finding Your Feelings........................................................31 A Short Course in Goal Setting......................................32 Defining You Goals.............................................................33 Goals“ Step by Step ...........................................................34 Understanding Grief and Loss.......................................35 Are You Grieving? ...............................................................36 Good Mourning: The Craft of Healing Well ...............37 Look on the Light Side......................................................38 Humor Smoothes the Way..............................................39 When Humor Is NOT the Answer..................................40 Leadership Styles................................................................41 Delegate! ...............................................................................42 Focus on Leisure .................................................................43 Balance the Books With Leisure ....................................44 Get Smart About Leisure .................................................45 Memories Are Made of This ............................................46 Voices From the Past Only Licensees ..........................47 Parents’ Memories..............................................................48 Budget Boomerangs .........................................................49 $pending Diary ...................................................................50
Your Budget Worksheet ...................................................51 What gets You Going ........................................................52 Boosting Your Motivation................................................53 Positive Self-Talk .................................................................54 Tuning In: Meaningful Communication With Kids .55 Boosting Your Kids’ Self Esteem ....................................56 How Well Do You Know...? ...............................................57 Thinking About Change...................................................58 Climbing Change Mountain -- One Step at a Time59 The More It Changes, the More It Stays The Same .60 A Problem -Solving Worksheet......................................61 Getting Around Roadblocks...........................................62 Brainstorming Guidelines for Problem Solving.......63 Procrastination Warning Signs ......................................64 Getting Past Procrastination ..........................................65 The Procrastination Toolbox...........................................66 The Carrot & Stick Approach ..........................................67 Building Good Relationships..........................................68 Fight Fair................................................................................69 Talking and Listening........................................................70 Weighing the Risks.............................................................71 Stepping Out of the ...Comfort Zone...........................72 Learning from Your Risks .................................................73 What Are Your Roles? ........................................................74 Focus on Roles.....................................................................75 Take Time to Dream...........................................................76 There's Only One Me!........................................................77 Self Awareness A Personal Mandala............................78 This Is Your Life ....................................................................79 Seeing Yourself Through Some One Else’s Eyes.......80 What Does Self-Confidence Mean to You?................81 Cooking up Some Self-Confidence..............................82 You Are Loveable................................................................83 Curbing Your Inner Critic ................................................84 Acknowledge Your Accomplishments........................85 Setting Limits.......................................................................86 Assess Your Stress...............................................................87 Five Minute Stress-Busters ..............................................88 What’s Bothering You?......................................................89 Your Personal Support System ......................................90 Assessing Your Support Needs......................................91 Finding the Support You Need......................................92 Reaching Out .......................................................................93 What Do you Do all Day? .................................................94 Setting Priorities: the Basic List .....................................95 10 Steps for Time Management ....................................96 Balancing Work, Family and Personal Needs............97 Restoring Harmony............................................................98
Anger Inventory Everyone gets angry. Getting to know what triggers your anger and how you react can help you manage it in a positive way. Check any of the following boxes that apply to you and use the blank lines to add anything not listed here. What do you do when you get angry?
What is your anger like? Does it…
last too long? flare up frequently? express itself even when you try to suppress it? go away quickly? _________________ _________________ _________________ _________________
clench your jaw get a stomach ache raise your voice want to hurt someone refuse to speak want to get away become verbally or physically abusive sweat or turn red get sarcastic never get angry _________________ _________________ _________________
What is the outcome of your anger? Does it…
How do you feel when you get angry?
guilty uncontrollable anxious depressed ashamed withdrawn don’t feel it until later _______________________ _______________________
SPE
CIAL
What situations make you especially angry?
NO
TE This i nvent ory is con fi No on dential. e see it should but yo u.
interfere with your job or relationships? contribute to physical problems? lead to accidents? get you into legal problems? ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________
Are there people you have trouble dealing with when you’re angry? Family members or employers often fall into this category: PERSON ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________
HOW YOU RESPOND ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________
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What’s Your Anger Style? Anger comes in three basic styles. We may switch styles depending on who or what is triggering our anger, but most of us lean toward one style or another. Check the boxes that describe your anger style and use the blank lines to add any other appropriate descriptions.
Lock it up! BEHAVIOR withdraw emotionally give the “silent treatment” become ill or anxious
deny anger, but show it in other actions ______________________________________ ______________________________________
REASONS I don’t have the right to be angry. Anger is inappropriate or childish. I may lose control of myself. I can’t cope with strong feelings. People will dislike me if I show anger.
I may lose my job, or a relationship. I fear I will hurt or offend someone. ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________
Turn it loose! BEHAVIOR blowing up at people getting physical or hurting people threatening, shouting or swearing blaming people breaking things
flying off the handle at small things bringing up old grievances _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________
REASONS I need to assert my power over people. I’m afraid of getting close to someone. I can’t stand to be wrong. I don’t know how to communicate calmly when angry.
The best defense is a good offense. _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________
Manage it! BEHAVIOR remaining calm focusing on the behavior, not the person using “I” statements: “I feel angry when…” sticking to the subject
allowing discussion to happen ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________
REASONS Anger is a normal emotion—it’s OK to be angry. When I’m angry, I want to solve the problem that’s causing my anger. I want to be able to express anger appropriately.
________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________
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Practicing
ANGER MANAGEMENT Like any other skill, managing anger takes practice. The next time you get angry, try these approaches: Write out a clear statement: I’m angry because ______________ __________________________ _______________. (Be specific.)
Avoid blaming, attacking, or bringing up other grievances.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Saying something like “I get angry when...” instead of “you never…” prevents unnecessary blaming.
Study your anger. Make a list of reasons why this makes you angry.
Visualize yourself in the room with the person. Write down what you would say to that person.
Can the situation be changed or avoided in the future? If the answer is yes, think about how that can be accomplished. If the answer is no, work toward acceptance. Remember, you can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control the way you respond.
Choose a time to talk that is good for you and the other person. Maintain eye contact and a calm voice while talking.
Put yourself into the other person’s shoes. Allow yourself to be “wrong” some of the time.
Use relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises or
imagery—focusing on a peaceful place, thought or sound.
Write a letter to the person with whom you’re angry. Refrain from delivering the letter for a few days. When you review it, you may decide to take another approach.
Find a physical outlet for anger, such as exercise or housework.
Set a time limit for anger. Then let it go.
Use positive self-talk: “I’m angry but I can get on with my life or my job.”
Know your limits. Seek counseling if anger continues to be a big problem for you.
Keep Track of Your Anger Response: Something that triggered my anger:
My response:
Something I did well in this situation:
Something I could have done better:
It helps to practice anger management techniques with a neutral person. Get together with a friend and take turns role-playing, with each of you assuming the role of the person the other one is angry with. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.003 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Am I Assertive? Does assertiveness come easily to you most of the time? Or do you sometimes find it a struggle to get your needs met without feeling guilty or causing resentment? Take this quiz to assess your success at assertive behavior and to pinpoint areas where you could become more assertive. Give your answer a number from this scale:
Never 1 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.
2
3
4
Always 5
I am comfortable meeting new people in social situations. I am able to say “no” without feeling guilty or anxious. I can express strong feelings such as anger, frustration or disappointment. I can easily request help and information from others. I feel capable of learning new things and performing new tasks. I am able to acknowledge and take responsibility for my own mistakes. I can discuss my beliefs without judging those who don’t agree with me. I am able to express my honest opinion to others, even if they don’t agree. I tell others when their behavior is not acceptable to me. I can speak up confidently in group situations. I can express anger or disappointment without blaming others. I believe my needs are as important as those of others and should be considered. I can assert my beliefs even when the majority disagrees with me. I am comfortable delegating tasks to others. I value my own experience and wisdom.
AT WORK
AT HOME
_______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______
_______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______
If you scored 45 to 60 overall, you are consistently assertive and probably handle most situations well. A score of 30 to 45 indicates that you are able to be reasonably assertive in many areas but are unsure of yourself in others. Learning assertive behavior techniques would definitely boost your score. If you scored 15 to 30 you may have difficulty being assertive and could benefit greatly from learning and practicing assertive behavior.
Keep a copy of this quiz where you can see it every day. Think of it as your assertiveness “Bill of Rights.” Do you see your score changing as you become more aware of opportunities for assertive behavior? Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.004 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Measuring Assertiveness Sometimes assertiveness gets a bad name because people confuse it with aggressiveness. But if there were a yardstick to measure human behavior, assertiveness would be right in the middle, with passiveness at one end and aggressiveness at the other. Here are some of the ways passive, assertive, and aggressive people come across to others. You may know people who fit these descriptions. Can you think of other traits these people have? “I don’t want to cause any trouble…”
Passive people:
“Let’s talk. We can find the solution together.”
“I know the way to handle this…”
have trouble saying no. do whatever others ask, even if it’s very inconvenient. get “stepped on” a lot. talk softly and don’t stand up for their rights. They’re not even sure if they have any rights. do anything to avoid a conflict. are taken advantage of. They get resentful but don’t tell anyone. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________
Assertive people:
are firm and direct. don’t blame others but take full responsibility for their own feelings. concentrate on the here-and-now. can express their needs and feelings calmly and easily. are confident about who they are. speak firmly and make eye contact. respect others’ rights and expect the same from others. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________
Aggressive people:
are loud, bossy and pushy. get their way, no matter what. react instantly. like to get even. don’t care about feelings. give vice-like handshakes. believe that winning is everything. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________
Few of us are exactly in the middle of this yardstick, but all of us benefit from consciously practicing assertive behavior. Very passive and very aggressive people often have an underlying lack of self-esteem. If you see yourself as usually at one extreme or the other, self-esteem may be an issue for you to explore further. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.005 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
F
OR MANY OF US, the hardest assertiveness skill is the ability to say “no” when the situation requires it. We may feel threatened by a loss of respect, love or responsibility on the job when we say “no” to someone. It’s possible to say “no” with grace and tact, following these guidelines:
• Be honest and direct. • Don’t make excuses. • Remember that saying “no”
Saying With Style
shows self-respect.
When It’s Especially Hard to Say “No” Sometimes it’s harder to say “no” to certain people. Check the people you have trouble saying “no” to. Then, in the space, describe a situation where you need to say “no” and write an assertive response:
Children __________________ __________________________
Spouse ____________________ __________________________
A friend ___________________
Consider these situations: You’re invited to go to the opera. You have no plans for that evening but you can’t stand opera.
__________________________
A coworker ________________
“I’m afraid I have other plans that night.”
__________________________
Your boss _________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________
__________________________ __________________________
“I’d like to but I don’t have time.”
“Sure. Piece of cake.”
Indirect Response
A neighbor ________________ __________________________
You’re asked to do something you don’t feel qualified to do.
Dishonest Response
A parent __________________ __________________________
A coworker asks you to do his work for him.
“Can I let you know tomorrow?”
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
“Why don’t you ask Jane?”
Assertive Response “Thank you for inviting me, but I really don’t care for opera.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t be able to do that for you.
“I’m not experienced with that, but I’ll give it my best shot.”
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Caring for the Need Caregiver Need
to understand and accept the nature of the illness
• What’s the outlook for the patient? Will there be eventual recovery, or is the illness terminal? If it’s terminal, what’s the patient’s life expectancy? Will I be able to take good care of the patient? • How am I meeting this need now? • What would help me meet this need in the future?
What Are Your Needs?
C
aring for a loved one who is chronically ill is one of life’s most demanding tasks. Caregivers owe it to themselves as well as to the person cared for to recognize and care for their own needs.
Look for these resources in your community. adult day care alcohol and drug abuse treatment services alternative housing family support groups hospice care housekeeping services
meal delivery services medical, legal, financial and social assistance nursing homes respite care transportation services visiting nurses
to accept outside help for both my physical and emotional needs
• For my own health, I must learn to ask family members and others to help with the care of the loved one. Such outside help will also allow me to address my needs for rest, recreation, stress reduction and the sharing of my feelings. • How am I meeting this need now? • What would help me meet this need in the future?
Need
to recognize and share my feelings, including grief
Need
to enjoy good times, both with and apart from the person cared for
Need
to know my limits and to include them in planning for long-term care
Need
to identify resources, support services, information services and physical help
• My feelings may include guilt, anger, sorrow, grief or even joy. How can I share my feelings so that I don’t become emotionally isolated? • How am I meeting this need now? • What would help me meet this need in the future?
• What good times can I plan with the patient? These don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. They could be as simple as a massage with scented oil, reading or sharing music. What plans have I made for my own pleasure and recreation? • How am I meeting this need now? • What would help me meet this need in the future?
• Am I staying within the limits of my ability to care for this person? Will there be a time when I can no longer manage the care? What plans have I made for such a possibility? • How am I meeting this need now? • What would help me meet this need in the future?
• Am I familiar with the resources and support services that are available in my community? Do I know where to find out more about such services? • How am I meeting this need now? • What would help me meet this need in the future?
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Caring for the Caregiver
Recognizing Feelings
Caring for a chronically ill person can provoke deep and often surprising feelings. Some of the most difficult feelings caregivers have to face are: • intense, lingering grief because a loved one is no longer able to play an important and loving part in their lives. • deep, protective love coexisting with anger and resentment, perhaps even the wish that the person would die. • guilt over their feelings and over the feeling of not having successfully dealt with the patient’s needs. When we judge these feelings as unacceptable, we may unconsciously try to hide them. Common defenses against such feelings include blaming, moralizing, denying, self-pity, pretending, attacking, withdrawing, projecting, sarcasm or alcohol and drug abuse. When feelings are masked in this way, our inner peace is destroyed. The first step in unmasking and healing feelings is to:
Recognize that feelings are neither good nor bad. To explore your feelings and defenses, allow yourself 15 minutes to relax. Try a stress reduction technique, such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. Then ask these questions: • What messages is my body giving me right now about my feelings? • What defenses am I using to disguise my feelings? • When I let go of these defenses, what feelings come up? • What caregiving activities trigger these feelings? • Who can I turn to when I need to share these feelings? Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.008 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
When a Loved One Is Near Death Most of us fear death to some degree. Some people view death as a transition into a better world or as a release from suffering. Others struggle against death because of grief, fear or unfinished business. The greatest gift you can give your loved one is to help with the process of letting go. The following suggestions may be helpful. Take a few moments and add your own thoughts to each suggestion.
1
If your dying loved one wants to talk, listen without judging, with total acceptance. Avoid pretending that he or she isn’t really going to die.
6
Gently massage your loved one. Work on the hands, arms, shoulders, legs and feet. Notice the response and stop if the massage seems painful.
2
Offer to help take care of unfinished business. This may include making a will, writing a letter, seeing a friend for the last time or resolving a disagreement.
7
3
Help your loved one relax. Suggest listening to music, meditation, reading aloud or any other relaxation techniques that might work for him or her.
Take care of your loved one’s physical needs. He or she will appreciate receiving food and liquids from you rather than from a nurse. If your loved one can’t drink from a glass, use an eyedropper. Let your loved one know that everything is taken care of and it’s all right to let go.
4
Treat your loved one with respect, even if he or she appears unable to respond. Assume that your loved one understands everything that’s being said.
8 9
5
Talk to your loved one, sharing photos, pleasant memories and accomplishments. If appropriate, offer praise and thanks for what your relationship has meant to you.
Relaxation techniques to use:
Acknowledge your loved one’s spiritual needs as well as your own. Offer to pray or meditate with your loved one.
Memories or photos to share:
Affirming statements to share:
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Communicating With “Body Language” Words are only part of communication. We also communicate in the way we sit or stand and use our hands or facial expressions. Take a look at the following body “messages.” What would you be trying to say if you used these movements?
Doing This Might Mean This clenched jaw anger, stress eyebrows raised surprise, curiosity fidgety movements nervousness clenched fists __________________ crossed arms __________________ fixed smile __________________ furrowed brow __________________ hands open, palms out __________________ hands quietly in lap __________________ head tilted __________________ narrowed eyes __________________ pursed lips __________________ shoulder shrugging __________________ slumping posture __________________ wringing hands __________________ _____________________ _________________ _____________________ _________________ _____________________ _________________ _____________________ _________________ How does your body language reinforce what you are trying to communicate? When you listen to a person, what clues can you pick up from their body language?
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Communicating With Your Stance and Gestures The way we stand, sit or greet another person conveys subtle messages about our expectations and attitudes. Ideally, your stance should convey assertive self-confidence and not give passive or aggressive signals. Check these aspects of your interactions with others. What impression might they make? Personal distance—how close you stand or sit to someone you’re talking to—often reflects cultural standards. Some people, for instance, have a relatively close personal distance and have been known to back others around the room as they converse. What’s your personal distance? How do you feel when someone gets closer than that? When someone stays more distant?
TYPE OF
STANCE OR GESTURE
POSSIBLE IMPRESSION
Handshake Firm Crushing Limp
Assertiveness Aggressiveness _________________________
Eye contact None Intermittent Constant
Passivity _________________________ _________________________
Position Leaning forward Sitting straight up Leaning back
_________________________ _________________________ _________________________
PERSONAL DISTANCE Close
Intimate or invasion of privacy?
Intermediate
_____________________________
Distant
Formality, coldness or aloofness?
Certain stances or gestures can communicate passive, assertive or aggressive signals. How would you classify the following body signals?
STANCE/GESTURE
PASSIVE
touching someone lightly as you speak standing with fists on hips standing with arms folded shifting from one foot to the other while standing leaning back while sitting with hands behind head leaning forward while sitting with hands together, elbows on knees or table leaning forward while sitting, but with hands together at fingertips forming a “steeple” standing with arms folded
□ □ □ □ □
ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE □ □ □ □ □
□ □ □ □ □
□
□
□
□ □
□ □
□ □
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1.
Ask good questions. Proper questions give the other person a feeling of safety and value. Some questions encourage information sharing and new ideas, while questions encouraging “yes” or “no” answers keep communication short, narrow and controlled. Also avoid questions that imply criticism. Which of the following questions encourage a positive response? What are some other approaches you have found useful or not useful? How do you feel about…? Why did you…? Why can’t you…? What if we…?
2.
Give your full attention to the communication. Deal with distractions before you begin, or postpone the discussion until the distractions are taken care of. What are some things that might prevent you from being “present” during a discussion? How can you keep these distractions from interfering? Possible Distraction phone ringing ______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________________
Listening Is Communicating, Too Fifty percent of all communication involves listening. Knowing how to listen well can enhance your communication skills. There are five steps to good listening:
One of the best ways to make these five steps a natural part of your conversation is to practice them in “pretend” situations. Take turns being the listener with a partner who raises one of the following issues:
How to Prevent It Let the answering machine get it. _____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________ _____________________________
3.
Demonstrate your attention. Feedback assures others that you’re listening to them. Here are some ways you can show you’re listening. Can you think of others? verbal responses: “uh-huh,” “I see.” eye contact nodding when appropriate empathizing: “It sounds like you’re worried.” not speaking when the other person is
4.
Restate important points. Reassure yourself and the other person that you got it right: “So you’re saying that…?” “Let me make sure I understand. You want me to…?”
5.
Respond with your own reactions. Let the person know what effect their communication has had and will have on you: a. Avoid judging other people. If criticism is necessary, discuss their actions, not their personalities, moods, profession, race, gender or other personal matters: “When you ______________________, it ________________________.” b. State your conclusions or course of action. And make sure you follow up.
”I know next week is a busy time, but I need to be away for three days.” “You offered to help me, but so far you haven’t been available.” “I find Mary difficult to work with.” “The mess in this house is getting on my nerves.”
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TRAINING YOUR VOICE Try this: Tape record your voice, talking about something you enjoy, or an idea you think is very important. Then listen to the recording. Is your voice: high and nasal? low and resonant? somewhere in between?
Do you speak: in a varying pitch? in a monotone?
Does your voice project well?
Try these voice exercises: 1. Practice breathing from the diaphragm. Place your hands on your midriff, just below your rib cage. Inhale deeply through your nose, letting the area touching your hands expand as your lungs fill with air. Exhale slowly through your mouth, forcing the air out from below your rib cage. The idea is to breathe with your diaphragm, not your rib muscles. Repeat three times, then let your breathing relax to a natural rhythm. Using the diaphragm makes your voice more resonant.
Do you put a “smile” in your voice?
Do you speak: too fast? too slow? at a comfortable speed?
What do you like about your voice? What would you like to change?
starting with a high pitched sound and gradually dropping to a low pitch, as in a loud, satisfying yawn.
3. Relax your head and shoulder muscles. Tilt your head to one side, as if to touch your ear to your shoulder. Repeat on the other side. Shrug your shoulders, then relax them. Tighten and loosen your facial muscles. Open your mouth wide and let your jaw go slack.
4. Vary your pitch. Read something out loud, making your voice go up and down like a roller coaster.
2. Stretch your vocal cords.
5. Experiment with emphasis.
Inhale as above. As you exhale, open your mouth and throat wide and relax your jaw. Exhale through your vocal cords,
Read this sentence several times, each time emphasizing a different word: “Are you coming with me now?”
Record your voice periodically or ask for feedback from friends who listen to you. It’s the best way to improve your speaking voice. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.013 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
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WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE Difficult people can sabotage any conflict resolution session. But often the trouble arises when we overreact to these people. Here are seven difficult types and some do’s and don’ts for working with them. Add your own notes on what works with these people.
Aggressive types want to force their viewpoint on you. They like to blow off steam. They may attack verbally. • Don’t attack back. • Do ask them firmly to sit down and explain calmly what they have to say. Sometimes, just listening without returning the anger can calm them down.
Know-it-alls are “experts” who have no patience for other people’s input. • Don’t be intimidated, or let them take over a meeting. • Do listen to them and try to benefit from their knowledge.
Victims
often complain and feel they are being treated unfairly. • Don’t try to become their protector. • Do ask them for suggestions to improve the situation. They need practice giving positive ideas.
Sarcastic types use words as weapons, often destroying harmony in a group and causing resentment. They can be poor team players. • Don’t let them get away with this behavior. Let them know that sarcasm is unacceptable. • Do compliment them when they say something positive or show team spirit.
Nay-sayers have nothing good to say about others’ ideas. • Don’t try to reform them. • Do invite them to suggest alternatives. Many times they will back off if asked to say something constructive.
Yay-sayers will go along with anything just to gain approval. • Discourage them from making more commitments than they can handle. • Do make sure they follow through on what they agree to do.
Withdrawn
types seem to have nothing to contribute and are difficult to draw out. • Don’t nag them to open up. • Do ask open-ended questions that require them to produce more than a yes or no answer. Be patient about waiting for their answer.
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hen conflicts arise, as they inevitably do, most people use one of the following five approaches to restore harmony. Which approach do you feel most comfortable using?
W
Avoidance It’s not that big of a problem. Why rock the boat?
Accommodation I’m willing to give up a lot to end this conflict.
Aggression Every conflict has a winner and a loser. I intend to be the winner.
Resolving Conflicts What’s Your Style?
Compromise I’ll give a little if you’ll give a little.
Problem Solving If we discuss this openly, we can find a solution that benefits everyone. Often we use different methods of conflict resolution for different people. Who are some of the people you might have conflicts with? How do you usually respond when conflicts arise with these people? What if you tried the problem-solving approach with all of them? If you were confident of your problem solving skills, would you be willing to try it with more people?
Conflicts occur… Often
Sometimes
I usually use this approach…
Rarely
Coworkers Parents Spouse Children Neighbors Friends Supervisor Employees Strangers
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SEVEN STEPS TO FAIR
CONFLICT RESOLUTION Conflicts seldom go away by themselves. Theyequire r open, clear, deliberate communication if they’re going to be resolved. Often a conflict evaporates when the dif ferent points of view get a chance to be heard in a calm setting. Those who are experienced at conflict resolution have learned to follow these steps.
1. Arrange a meeting with all parties
Whe
ther
Is there a conflict in your life that needs to be esolved? r Why not share these steps with the other person and see if you can agr ee to use them to achieve aresolution? Afterward, write a few notes about what worked and what didn’t work.
involved in the conflict.
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Ask direct questions about the situation.
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CONFLICT RESOLUTION Assessing the Outcome Describe a conflict you’ve had to work out recently:
Who was involved? (friend, boss, coworker, etc.)
What did you do to resolve the conflict? Describe the process and the outcome:
Would another approach have worked better? Describe how the process might have gone:
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The One-Minute Creativity Exercise In one minute, list as many uses as you can think of for a rubber band. Ready? Begin! Let’s try this exercise again, using a paper clip. This time, before you begin, consider these suggestions: • Try for quantity, not quality. • Dare to be silly. Write down every idea, no matter how ridiculous it seems to be. • Consider the object from other points of view. What if you were an ant? A giraffe? A child? A child psychologist? Lost at sea? After you’ve thought over these suggestions (or added a few of your own), begin!
Try this exercise whenever you want to get your creative juices flowing. Try it with a pencil, a mug or any ordinary object.
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“Logical” vs. Creative Problem Solving Consider these responses to a problem. Which ones are you most comfortable using?
“Logical” Response Creative Response What’s the right solution?
How many solutions can I come up with?
This is a serious problem. It’s going to be hard to solve.
This is a serious problem but it will be an interesting challenge.
I can’t make any mistakes.
Mistakes are opportunities to begin again creatively.
I’m afraid of asking dumb questions.
“Dumb” questions may lead to smart solutions.
I need “expert” advice.
I think I’ll discuss this with Joe and Sally as well as the experts.
That’s a silly idea. Forget it.
This idea seems silly but let’s explore it further.
I’ve got to solve this problem right now.
I think I’ll set this aside for a day or two. Sometimes I gain a new insight when I let things “percolate.”
I can’t tell my idea to Jim. He’ll think it’s dumb.
Jim always has an interesting perspective; I wonder what he’ll say about this idea.
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
It’s working now but I bet I can make it work better.
“The fi being rst step to c to ge reative is t your rid of o unwr wn itt —Ma en rules.” ry M. Byers If you usually take the more “logical” approach, you may need to expand your creative thinking skills. Next time you need to solve a problem or come up with a new idea, try the SCAMPER technique:
Substitute Combine Adapt Magnify/minimize Put to other uses Eliminate Reverse/rearrange
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Get Out of That Rut! Life runs smoothly and uneventfully when we follow a regular routine. But when we allow our daily routine to blind us to new ideas or choices, we pay a price. People who make creative breakthroughs are the ones who are continually looking for different ways to do things. If you’d like to break out of your daily routine, try a few of these rut-busting activities. Below each one, write down one or two new things that you learned or thought of on the day you did the activity.
Speak to someone you see every day but have never spoken to before.
Read a novel, except the last chapter. Then write your own ending.
Rearrange your work area.
Eat lunch in a different place, with a different person. Order something you have never eaten before.
Take a different route to work in the morning. Part your hair on the other side. Sign up for an activity you have never done before. Use your left hand if you’re righthanded, or right hand if you’re left-handed, for one day. Pretend you’re a photographer. For one day, look at your surroundings as opportunities for unusual photographs.
Draw something you see every day. Don’t worry about how good the drawing looks, but how you “see” the object. Read a book on a subject you know nothing about. Pretend it is your first day at work. What are your reactions? Find a new use for an object commonly found in your work area.
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DECISION MAKING Weighing Your Options You have a decision to make. So you list the options, measure the advantages against the disadvantages and make a choice. Is that the way you make your decisions? If your answer is “sometimes,” you’re not alone. For a variety of reasons, people don’t always evaluate their options when making decisions. Take some time now to practice your decision-making skills. Pick a decision you have to make that involves a choice between two options. (Many decisions are more complicated, involving three or more options, but let’s start with something simple.) Write the advantages and disadvantages under each one. Then consider how important each list item is. Give it a numerical value from 1 to 10. Write the number next to the item. For each option, add up the advantages and the disadvantages. DECISION: Option #1:
Option #2:
Advantages
Total A
Disadvantages
Total B
Advantages
Disadvantages
Total C
Total D
Now, subtract the disadvantages from the advantages. Remember, the resulting number might be negative. The option with the highest positive number (or lowest negative number if they’re both negative) should be the best choice.
OPTION #1 Total A_______ – Total B_______ Score_______
OPTION #2 Total C_______ – Total D_______ Score_______
How do you feel about the scores? Your reaction to the scores can help you understand what your inner wishes are, with respect to this decision. Decisions are often too complex to reduce to addition and subtraction. But chances are, you can get a clearer picture of the pros and cons by doing this exercise. You can do this exercise with decisions that involve more options. Just list the advantages and disadvantages of all the options and compare the final numbers. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.022 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Decision Making for Leaders As a leader, you’re ultimately responsible for decisions made by those on your “team.” The next time you’re the leader in a decisionmaking process, follow these steps:
1. Identify all the available options. 2.Ask group members for further options. 3.Encourage a thorough discussion of the options. 4.Test each option against the situation. (Ask “What if…?”) 5.Assign responsibility for taking action based on a decision. 6.Develop a means for measuring the effectiveness of the decision. 7.Make a decision, based on group input and your own best judgment. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.023 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Recognizing Negative Gender Stereotypes At one time, it was thought that women were too emotionally fragile to work in the business community. Old attitudes die hard. Most of us, male and female, carry around a few unconscious negative stereotypes. Which ones have you experienced?
NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT WOMEN
NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT MEN
Women fall apart easily.
Men are cold and insensitive.
Women are thin-skinned and can’t take criticism.
Men are too stubborn to admit that they are wrong.
Women are more interested in their families than their jobs.
Men are only interested in sex.
Women will eventually quit their jobs to take care of their families.
Men are workaholics.
Women are easily swayed and unsure of themselves.
Men never listen to others’ opinion or feedback.
Women’s mood swings interfere with their ability to perform.
Men suppress their emotions until they explode with anger.
Women get what they want by flirting.
Men are easily swayed by beautiful women.
Look around. For every person who fits a negative stereotype there’s another one who’s just the opposite. The first step to overcoming prejudice is to recognize it, both in yourself and in others. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.024 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Where Did You Get Your Values? There are many influences that help determine your values. Place a star on the people, places or things that are the most influential. Write in any others that you think helped shape your values. Briefly explain your choices. Mother:
Teacher:
Organizations:
Father:
Religious leader:
Heroes— sports, military, professional:
Brother or sister:
Public figure:
Books:
Other relative:
Youth groups:
Television, movies, music:
Friend:
People in history:
Other:
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Ethics on the Job— Where Do You Stand? Which of the following do you think you might do under some circumstances? Explain why.
ignore a safety violation in order to not make waves
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________
give the boss’ son a better than deserved performance appraisal
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________
protect a coworker whose drug use is causing safety hazards
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________
take credit for work that was done by someone else
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________
use company computers to maintain a database for your sideline business
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________
“borrow” small items, such as office supplies, for home use
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________
ignore or cover up a serious legal violation by your company because it’s “none of my business”
Why? ________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________
We all face ethical conflicts on the job and off. What ethical compromises would you refuse to make, even if you might be fired as a result? How would you feel about a coworker who would check all or some of the above?
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Feelings Are Like Weather
THUNDER & LIGHTNING
SUNNY AND WARM
PARTLY CLOUDY
OVERCAST
HURRICANE WARNING
HOT & HUMID
HAIL
GUSTY WINDS
GENTLE RAIN SHOWERS
FOGGY
DRY
CALM
BREEZY
Strange as it may seem, you don’t necessarily have to “do something” about your feelings, beyond just noticing them and remembering that they change like the weather. When you’re feeling an unpleasant emotion, you can look back and see that many such emotions pass through your life like afternoon thunder showers. For the next week, keep a record of your “inner weather.” Whenever you notice an emotion, put a check in the box next to the weather term that most nearly corresponds to your feeling. For instance, if you’re feeling angry, you might check “stormy,” or if you’re feeling confused, you might check “foggy.”
MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY What was your weather like this week? If your inner weather is too stormy or uncomfortable, it might be time to talk to a friend or counselor about those feelings. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.027 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Expressing Feelings Stress in your life can produce feelings that make you uncomfortable. So you may try to keep a lid on them. “Stuffing” your feelings deeper inside leads to even more stress, growing in a vicious cycle until you boil over or lash out at someone. Learning how to express your feelings appropriately and constructively is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself. What’s the best way for you to express feelings? Check the ways in this list that work for you (add your own if you don’t see yours on the list):
Talk with a close friend, family member or spouse. Keep a journal of your feelings. Join a support group. Write letters. Talk with a counselor or a religious or spiritual advisor. Put your feelings on a tape recorder. Express your feelings through music, dance or exercise. Express your feelings through art. ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
If you get into the habit of using one or more of these approaches on a regular basis, you won’t have to wait for the pressure to become explosive before you express yourself. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.028 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Finding Your Feelings Feelings are neither right nor wrong—they’re simply a way of alerting you to situations that affect you emotionally. It’s important to pay attention to your feelings, but also to not act upon your feelings in ways that are harmful to yourself or others. Before you act upon your feelings by stuffing them inward or by expressing a particular behavior, you should try to understand where your feelings are coming from. Try these techniques to help you get in touch with your feelings:
b Set a digital watch so it beeps every half hour. When it beeps, ask yourself: What am I feeling right now (happiness, anger, peace, frustration, etc.)? What is the real source or cause of this feeling? If the feeling is negative, what action do I need to take?
b
b
Sit quietly for 20 minutes in a comfortable position. Relax by doing some deep breathing. Then let your consciousness move slowly around your body and mind, noticing any tense muscles, recurring images or ideas, or sense of anxiety. Say “hello” to whatever sensation comes up, and then let it pass.
Write for 10 minutes without stopping. Write whatever comes into your head, without judging or stopping to compose what you’re going to say. Don’t worry about whether what you write is true or fair to others. No one’s going to see it but you.
b With a trusted friend, take turns sharing whatever comes into your head for 10 minutes. Give each other permission to be outrageous and “off the record” in what is said. Agree that nothing you exchange is to be repeated.
b If you have trouble acknowledging an emotion, such as anger or fear, make a list. For instance, “I am angry because…” Start with small, silly things if you can’t think of anything serious. Keep adding to the list until you get to what feels important.
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A Short Course in Goal Setting
!
Define the goal as clearly as possible. “I want to save up for a new car” is too general.
Example: I will open a separate savings account and save $100 each month toward a new car.
!
Do you find it easy to set goals but not so easy to follow through? To accomplish a goal, you must first set a goal that’s realistic and then have a concrete plan for achieving it. Review the following steps and their examples, then try it with a goal of your own.
2. Break It Into Small Steps How will you accomplish the goal you’ve chosen. Be specific.
Example: I will bring lunch from home instead of buying lunch at work. This will save $50. I will quit smoking. This will save another $50.
!
Plan for Success Goal: _________________ ___________________ ___________________ Steps: ________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ Starting Point: __________ ___________________ ___________________ Goal Modifications: ______ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ Deadline: ______________
1. Keep It Simple and Specific
3. Choose a Starting Point Often goals are thought of as something to be tackled sometime in the vague future. Even if you can’t start right away, choose a starting date and stick to it.
Example: I will begin in January, when I’ve paid off the holiday bills.
!
4. Monitor Progress and Redefine the Goal If Necessary As time goes by, you may decide that the original goal was too ambitious or not ambitious enough. Example: I will call my bank and credit union for loan estimates. I will read the financial news to find out when interest rates are expected to be favorable. I will read consumer publications to determine a reasonable price for the year and model of car I want.
! 11 12 1 10
2
9
3 8
12
7
34
12
5
12345
6
34
5
5
4
5. Set a Deadline Set a date for completion of your goal, and stick with your plan until then. If it looks like you won’t reach your goal by your deadline, don’t give up. Review what you’ve accomplished so far, redefine the goal and set a new deadline.
Example: To be completed by January
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If you’re like most people, every year you make a long list of New Year’s resolutions in January and by February you’ve given up on all of them. By picking and choosing the most important goals out of all the things you’d like to do in a given period of time, you avoid getting so bogged down in goals that you can’t accomplish any of them. To help you select the right goals to focus on, jot down a list of everything you can think of that you would like to accomplish in your life. Include both long-term or lifetime goals and short-term goals such as cleaning out the hall closet. Remember, goals can be professional, personal, financial, social, educational or spiritual. Check off the box that most realistically reflects a completion period. Check what you consider to be your three most important goals.
GOALS
SHORT TERM
THIS YEAR
NEXT YEAR
WITHIN 5 YEARS
WITHIN LIFETIME
Now look through the list. Do these goals truly reflect your needs and values, rather than those of your loved ones or lofty ideals you read about or heard about on television? The art of goal setting involves choosing and focusing on those goals that are most important to you and your life. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.031 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Step by Step
Long-Term Goal:
Achieving long-term goals requires achieving short-term goals first. Write down one of your long-term goals in the flag at the top of the staircase. Then break it down into several shortterm goals, writing them in the boxes at each landing. Using this method will make reaching your long-term goal more manageable.
Short-Term Goal:
Short-Term Goal:
Short-Term Goal:
ShortTerm Goal:
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Understanding Grief and Loss The first step in understanding grief and loss is to realize that grief is a natural and essential part of human life, not something to be avoided or ashamed of. How many of the following losses would you consider a reason for grieving?
□ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
the death of a loved one
□
losing one sock of a favorite pair at the laundermat
□
losing your job the death of a pet getting divorced or breaking up losing a tooth being raped being denied acceptance at a college filing for bankruptcy an automobile accident menopause or middle age children leaving home missing a party because you had a cold
□ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness losing your tomato plants to a freak July frost being convicted of a crime retirement getting mugged in a stadium parking lot getting a low grade in an important class discovering that there’s no Santa Claus being prevented from seeing your children or grandchildren having a miscarriage having your house burglarized losing a friend in military combat
If you checked all of these examples, you have a better than average understanding of the grief process. Even a small loss can set the natural process of grief and mourning into motion, not just the ones society considers serious. Three major stages have been recognized in the grieving process. When there’s loss of any kind, people experience shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance. The more serious the loss, the greater the pain and the slower the healing. Honor your feelings and trust the process. In time, you’ll heal in the same way that a broken bone or a wound heals. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.033 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Are You Grieving? Sometimes the body’s response to loss goes “undercover,” and you may be grieving without knowing it. Learning to recognize and acknowledge the symptoms of grief is the first step on the path to getting well again.
In the past month, have you… If you checked: One to five items: You’re feeling the effects of stress of some kind in your life. Have you experienced a loss recently? Use the examples on the previous page as a guide. Six to 20 items: The more checks, the more likely you are to have experienced a loss of some kind and to have begun the natural process of grieving.
___1. ___2. ___3. ___4. ___5. ___6. ___7. ___8. ___9. ___10. ___11. ___12.
If you checked questions 6, 7, 9 or 17, it’s likely you will need the counsel of a skilled professional.
Remember the three major stages of grief and loss: shock and denial, anger or depression, and acceptance. As time goes by, you will move toward acceptance and new stages of your life. If you’ve been stuck in one stage for what seems like a long time, don’t try to carry your grief alone. Talk to a trusted friend, counselor or spiritual adviser.
___13. ___14. ___15. ___16. ___17. ___18. ___19. ___20. ___21.
had trouble sleeping? lost or gained weight? felt more tired than usual? had trouble concentrating? felt irritable or edgy? found yourself thinking about suicide? felt out of control? lost interest in food? begun drinking more or taking drugs to handle stress? gotten angry in ways that surprised you? had a series of minor injuries or accidents? felt unusually isolated or that you have no one to turn to? felt sad but didn’t know why? felt less efficient in major areas of your life? had trouble getting things done? felt unusually fearful? felt like you were “coming apart”? lost interest in sex? cried at surprising times and places? felt clumsy or physically slow? been more forgetful than usual?
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Good Mourning
The CRAFT of Healing Well O
nce you understand grief and loss and have assessed your own situation, then you are ready to help yourself heal the pain of your loss. You could say that it’s a matter of CRAFT. Complete the following sentences:
Comfort I can make myself feel better by _____________________________________, ______________________________ and ________________________________.
Resources Community resources for people who are grieving include
Comfort Resources Acceptance Feelings & friends Trusting the process
_________________________________, _________________________________ and _____________________________. (Look these up in the yellow pages or ask friends, your doctor, pastor or counselor.)
Acceptance In the past I have learned to accept the following difficult circumstances:
Feelings & friends I feel this way about my loss:
I know I am entitled to these feelings. I also know I can count on the following friends:
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” —Alexander Graham Bell
Trusting the process Trusting the process often involves relaxing and letting go. Learning to swim or ride a bicycle are common early experiences in trusting a process. Other ways that I have grown by relaxing and letting go are:
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Look on the Light Side Laughter is a proven stress reducer. A good belly laugh improves breathing and reduces muscle tension. Humor even changes brain chemistry, releasing endorphins that increase your sense of well-being, improve your reasoning powers and make you less sensitive to pain. All of us can laugh at a good joke, but what about real-life situations? Those who learn to find humor even in some of the grim realities and emotion-packed challenges of daily life have an edge on peace of mind. But this mindset takes practice. The following situations range from minor annoyances to life crises. How could humor ease you through? Add some events from your own life.
Situation
The Light Side
You have a flat tire in rush-hour traffic.
I’ve always wanted to change a tire in front of an audience.
Someone spills coffee on your new hand-painted silk tie/dress.
Now it’s really a “hand-painted” original.
You lost your job.
Oh boy! Now I have time to fix those leaky faucets.
You missed your plane. Your best friend is getting a divorce.
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Humor Smoothes the Way Humor smoothes the way with friends, family members and coworkers. Here are some tips for using humor as a positive tool in potentially uncomfortable situations: 1.
Make fun of your own imperfections. When people know you don’t take yourself too seriously, they’re more comfortable and relaxed around you, and more likely to open up. 2. Whenever appropriate, use humor to defuse anger, provided the humor isn’t directed at the person who’s angry. 3. Use humor as a memory aid. Incorporating the information you want to remember into a joke or silly rhyme helps you remember it. 4. Humor and creativity go hand in hand. Give people permission to come up with silly ideas or solutions to problems. Some of these evolve into very good solutions, or defuse tension so that good solutions can be found. Take a few moments and think about humor in your own life:
Describe a time when you laughed so hard you cried:
Think of a favorite comedian or comic actor. What is it about that person that makes you laugh?
It’s OK to laugh at yourself. Choose two of your imperfections and say something funny about them:
Recall a time when an unpleasant situation was turned around through humor:
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When Humor Is
umor is a wonderful tool for setting people at ease and reducing stress. But humor can sometimes do serious damage. Unacceptable forms of humor include the following:
H
1. Ethnic humor. Making fun of people’s ethnic, racial, religious or cultural background is insulting.
2. Cruel humor. Practical jokes can be dangerous and almost always result in hurt feelings on some level. People who laugh at others are often trying to boost themselves at someone else’s expense. Even when you’re laughing because you did the exact same thing once, it can hurt someone’s feelings.
3. Sarcastic humor.
NOT the Answer
This often involves putting others down. Even when it’s directed at yourself, it’s a joyless form of humor.
4. Nonstop humor. Humor is a matter of balance. People who make a joke out of everything can become tiresome very quickly.
5. Humor as distraction. It’s not OK to use humor to avoid facing a serious issue. List some acceptable and unacceptable uses of humor that you’ve seen or heard recently. What made the unacceptable incidents unacceptable?
Acceptable ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________
Unacceptable ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________
If everyone can join the laughter—or would if they were present—then it’s probably “good humor.” Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.038 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Leaders do their job in many different ways. Some effective leaders never even appear to be leading at all. Yet they get things done. At right are four common leadership styles. Check the characteristics under each style that you feel apply to you. Your leadership style may be solidly in one area, or it may be divided among two or more areas. What are the strengths and weaknesses of your particular style?
TEAM PLAYER
helpful
patient loyal
likable
not a risk-taker
analytical
self-disciplined conscientious orderly
accurate
systematic
detail-oriented
hard-to-please direct
Weaknesses
DIRECTOR
Strengths
predictable
lacks confidence
PERFECTIONIST
Leadership Styles
easygoing
self-confident a risk-taker forceful
ambitious
quick-thinking an organizer dominating
You can use this knowledge to become more aware of how you affect others and thereby enhance your leadership skills.
MOTIVATOR
enthusiastic generous popular
sociable
charismatic dramatic talkative
eager for recognition
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Delegate! Delegating tasks helps you get your job done in a sane manner. Just as importantly, it helps develop new skills in those to whom you delegate the tasks. Who needs to delegate? Just about everyone. Here are some examples. Which ones fit you?
managers supervisors committee or team leaders parents teachers ______________________ ______________________
Who is the best person for these tasks? Consider these factors: • the person’s current workload • the person’s natural aptitudes • how coworkers (including any committee members) will react • the level of enthusiasm for the task • the value to this person of any new skills learned
After considering who’s best suited for a task:
What are some tasks you feel can be delegated? Choose tasks that don’t require constant monitoring or follow-up:
• Choose the best person for each task listed above and write that person’s name next to the task. • Prepare others for the change. Make the delegation clear to all involved. • Make sure the person being assigned a task understands the nature of the assignment and feels free to ask questions. • Finally, when the delegated task is completed, show your appreciation for a job well done.
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Focus on Leisure List 20 things you love to do: activities that generate feelings of joy and vitality for you.
1. ________________________________ 2. ________________________________ 3. ________________________________ 4. ________________________________ 5. ________________________________ 6. ________________________________ 7. ________________________________ 8. ________________________________ 9. ________________________________ 10. _______________________________ 11. _______________________________ 12. _______________________________ 13. _______________________________ 14. _______________________________ 15. _______________________________
People often say they would like to do more enjoyable leisure activities, but they can’t afford to. But sometimes the best things in life are at least reasonably priced, if not free. Leisure activities can be as simple as taking a walk with a friend or reading the morning paper on a sunny park bench. pleasure you derive and the cost? 1. $_______________________________ 2. $_______________________________ 3. $_______________________________ 4. $_______________________________ 5. $_______________________________ Now list 10 leisure activities under $10 that you might like to try. 1. ________________________________ 2. ________________________________ 3. ________________________________ 4. ________________________________ 5. ________________________________ 6. ________________________________ 7. ________________________________ 8. ________________________________ 9. ________________________________ 10. _______________________________
20. _______________________________
List five under $5. 1. ________________________________ 2. ________________________________ 3. ________________________________ 4. ________________________________ 5. ________________________________
Next, choose your top five activities from this list and give the approximate cost of each one in dollars. Is there any connection between the amount of
Genuine enjoyment refreshes you and deepens your life. With a little playful creativity, you can enrich your life without emptying your pockets.
16. _______________________________ 17. _______________________________ 18. _______________________________ 19. _______________________________
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Balance the Books With Leisure
As the tempo of our lives increases, leisure time may tend to lose out in favor of more “productive” activities. Some people thrive on a whirl of activity, but many of us tend to burn out without a balanced period of “downtime” for rest and relaxation. The keyword here is “balance.” On the left-hand side of the ledger, write down your major responsibilities, such as work, family, church, community and household chores. On the right-hand side of the page, write down the activities you do now for relaxation and pleasure, not profit:
Only you can assess if the books are in balance, but this exercise can give you a chance to “audit” your life and decide if you need to make a deposit on the leisure side of the ledger. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.042 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Get Smart About Leisure Guard your free time by learning to say no. Keep a list of things you’d like to do in your free time. When that time arrives, consult your list, pick an activity and do it. Turn off the TV one day a week and fill that time creatively. Write leisure activities into your weekly schedule just like other appointments. Keep the appointment. Leave your work worries at the office. Write work projects and deadlines on a piece of paper, leave them in your desk drawer and forget about them until you return to work.
hough leisure time itself may be for rest and relaxation, the same skillful planning and prioritizing you use at work can help you to get more enjoyment out of your free time. Scan the list to the right and put a check by ideas you might like to try. Put two checks by those you can put into action immediately. Check only those items that might really work for you. Checking too many items or those that don’t suit your temperament will just turn leisure planning into one more chore to do.
T
Set aside one evening a week for a meeting with friends or coworkers after work, perhaps for a racquetball game, pizza or a potluck dinner. Make transition time between work and what comes next. Play a special tape in the car and take a scenic or less-traveled route home. When you get home, change into comfortable, fun clothes that make you feel good. One or two evenings a week, make it a habit to set aside a special time for yourself before tending to the kids or other home responsibilities. Exercise, read, phone a friend, watch the sunset, water your garden or do nothing at all. This is your time for yourself. Choose leisure activities that balance out your work life. If you sit behind a desk all day, get out and do something physical after work.
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Memories Are Made of This Memories shape who we are and how we see the world. The traditions of childhood and first experiences can bring out many feelings: comfort, fear, excitement, laughter. Pick any two of the events or milestones below and describe them on the back of the page. Use as much detail as you can remember about the location, who was present, what they looked like and wore, what was said or done, the weather, the time of year, colors or textures you remember, and your feelings and thoughts at the time—and right now. 1. your favorite childhood toy 2. a family tradition 3. your first kiss 4. a childhood home 5. an incident when you were really scared
9. an unusual teacher 10. a favorite special place or hiding place 11. an early success 12. a special vacation or outing 13. a first day at school
6. your first “best” friend
14. a first day on a job
7. the birth of a child
15. ___________________________________
8. an early disappointment
16. __________________________
Try this with a group of people. Have each person in the group share the events they picked above. Compare experiences and memories. Do people’s experiences and the way they remember them seem to reflect their personality, attitudes and expectations of life? In what way? What new details about your own past did you remember after listening to others’ memories? ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Where would we be without memories? Take a little time each day to remember.
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Voices From the Past The past influences the present in many ways. Things that may seem
insignificant when they occur can turn out to have a profound influence on your life. What are some significant events that changed your life? How did they influence who you are today? What if an event had not happened? Your childhood hopes and dreams also influence you. Describe some of your childhood goals. Did you achieve them? Why or why not? Event
Age
Goal
How event influenced me
Achieved?
If this had not happened
Why/Why Not?
What are your goals today?
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Y
ou can find great significance, selfawareness or comfort not only in your own memories, but in the memories of your parents as well. Interview a parent, grandparent or other important adult in your life. Ask them about events that were significant in their lives. How did they feel at the time? It’s not a memory test, so be careful not to ask too many questions too fast. And respect their privacy. If they don’t wish to discuss certain memories, move on. Save this interview for your own children, grandchildren, or other children, friends, or relatives important to you.
Parents’ Memories
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Budget Boomerangs Sometimes people spend money to disguise a problem, to distract themselves from other pressing business or to get a feeling of euphoria associated with a fantasy of unlimited wealth. Eventually, the debts that accumulate from purchases bought on impulse can “come back” like boomerangs to ruin their budgets.
When it comes to spending money, do you... • • • • • • •
shop to relieve boredom or depression? buy things to gain approval from others? shop when you “feel like it,” instead of when you need something specific? shop because you have cash and you want to spend it? buy large items without comparing features, benefits and prices? buy more on credit than you can pay back in a month know exactly how much you can afford to spend?
Defense Strategies Are there “budget boomerangs” in your life? List your three worst spending habits: 1. ___________________________________________________ 2. ___________________________________________________ 3. ___________________________________________________ Which of the following defense strategies are you willing to try to improve your money management? Be realistic.
• I will buy only after careful consideration. • I will limit my spending on leisure and entertainment. • I will save $_____________ each week (or month). • I will comparison-shop before buying large items. maintain loan balances below 20 percent of • Imywillincome. • will keep track of expenses and develop a • Imonthly • I will planbudget. budget based on my income and expenses • • and stick toa the plan. • I will consult a professional if I need help managing • my money. • __________________________________________________ • • __________________________________________________ • _________________________________________________ Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.047 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
$pending Diary
For one week, keep track of everything you spend. List the item, its cost, why you bought it and whether you really needed it. Use this information to help plan your monthly budget and to explore your spending habits. Put an asterisk by those purchases that represent your three biggest spending pitfalls or purchases you regretted later.
Day
Item
Cost
Why bought?
Needed?
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Do you see where you could most easily cut down on spending? List the items or services from your “budget diary” that you could forego:
Item/Service
Amount saved if not purchased
Less expensive substitute, if really needed
Amount saved if less expensive substitute purchased
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YOUR BUDGET WORKSHEET Net Monthly Income (after taxes and deductions): wages or salaries
$
child or spousal support
$
interest or dividends
$
other:
$
other:
$
Total Net Income
$
Expenses housing, including rent or mortgage payments, taxes, homeowner’s or renter’s insurance $ utilities, including gas, electricity, trash collection, water and telephone
$
transportation, including fares, car payments, gas, car insurance and parking fees
$
health and dental care and insurance
$
food at home
$
entertainment, including dining out
$
clothing
$
laundry, dry cleaning, personal care, toiletries
$
child care and baby-sitting
$
credit card and loan payments (excluding mortgage)
$
vacations
$
gifts (for birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, etc.)
$
other:
$
other:
$
other:
$
Total Expenses
$
Total Net Income Minus Total Expenses
$
Amount Over or Under
$
List the problem areas in the budget, the amount you need to save, and how you plan to do it. Problem Area
Amount to Save
How?
$ $ $
FOUR REASONS WHY BUDGETS FAIL:
careless record keeping
1.
unrealistic expectations
2.
failure to set priorities
3.
failure to plan for the unexpected
4.
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What Gets You Going? What motivates you in your work, family life and leisure pursuits? Rank by number your most powerful motivators from the following list: _____ enjoyment
_____ fear of failure
_____ family needs
_____ financial pressure
_____ friendships
_____ boredom
_____ mental and physical health
_____ other people’s expectations
_____ security
_____ revenge or getting even
_____ independence _____ money and possessions
_____ envy or jealousy
_____ influence
_____ addictions
_____ status
_____ other____________ _________________
_____ personal achievements _____ political goals
_____ greed
_____ other____________ _________________
What were your top five motivators? What do they tell you about what’s important to you? The list on the right side contains negative motivators. If you ranked several of these among your top five motivators, consider using positive self-talk to replace these negative motivators with a more positive slant. For instance, the positive motivator for boredom is enjoyment. Sometimes negative motivators indicate a need for a change in your life—such as your job, relationship or residence. What changes can you think of that would help you turn your negative motivators into positive ones?
Negative Motivator
Positive Change
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B
oosting Your Motivation Achieving a goal or accomplishing a task is easier if you find ways to personally invest in the process. We all work harder when there are “rewards” for our efforts. The rewards may be external, such as something you give yourself for accomplishing the task; and they may also be internal, such as knowing that you’re better off after you accomplish it. Following the example below, list some tasks or goals you’d like to accomplish, some external rewards and some internal rewards:
TASKS OR GOALS
EXTERNAL REWARDS
INTERNAL REWARDS
clean the hall closet
go out to dinner
I’ll be able to find my sewing materials. There will be room for the sheets and towels. Fire hazard will be reduced.
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Positive Self-Talk M
ost of us carry on a silent conversation with ourselves during the day. What we say to ourselves is a powerful motivator for success or failure. Understanding your own internal dialogue can help you learn to rewrite the “script” and help you achieve your goals. Try this exercise in self-talk. In the first column, list some things you’d like to accomplish. In the second column, write what you’re saying to yourself right now about achieving that goal: GOAL OR TASK
SELF-TALK
being chosen as a team leader on a work project
I’m not sure I can do this.
Now look at your second column. Does your self-talk support your goal? If it does, congratulations! You’re already using positive self-talk for this goal. If the messages in the second column don’t support your goal, rewrite your self-talk so that it reinforces your goal. GOAL OR TASK
SELF-TALK
being chosen as a team leader on a work project
I have good skills and the experience to do a good job.
Positive self-talk takes practice. Whenever you notice negative self-talk going through your mind, consciously throw the switch to the positive response—even if it seems unnatural at first. Positive thinking is a habit that gets easier as you do it. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.052 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Tuning In Meaningful Communication With Kids All of us know the importance of good communication skills on the job and socially. Because the parent-child bond is so full of expectations and emotional attachments, we often forget that these same techniques work well with our children. Good parent-child communication includes:
• • • •
listening with interest and understanding using “I” statements to express our own thoughts and feelings using “You seem” statements to clarify children’s feelings asking open-ended questions that children can answer safely
A GROUP ACTIVITY : Share yo ur situati ons and respo nses with other gro up memb ers. You may be at how m surprised any of th e same pro blems aris e in different families, and at how m any differ ent, positive r esponses parents can come up with.
Let’s look at some typical situations in which parents need to communicate with children. Try to think of “I” statements to replace the negative “you” statements shown. Add a clarifying “You seem” statement and an open-ended question, as in the examples. Then fill in the empty boxes with situations you’ve encountered with your own children: Situation
Negative “You” statement (blaming, shaming, labeling, etc.)
“I” statement (expressing your thoughts and feelings)
Your 13-year-old fails to clean up her mess in the kitchen.
You’re such a slob! Why can’t you ever clean up after yourself?
I don’t enjoy working in a messy kitchen.
Your 17-year-old is withdrawn and his grades have dropped.
You must be using drugs. You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t shape up.
I’m worried about the way you’ve changed lately. I don’t want anything to happen to you.
Your 9-year-old acts up at a family gathering.
You never behave well in front of relatives. Next time you’re staying home!
Clarifying “You seem” statement (reflects back child’s feelings)
You seem forgetful when it comes to cleaning up.
Open-ended question
Can you think of a solution to this problem?
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Boosting Your Kids’ Self-Esteem The following statements are proven boosters to kids’ self-esteem. Keep a copy of this list where you can read it every day. I listen to my kids and acknowledge their feelings. I am clear and consistent about discipline. I use “I” statements to express my thoughts and feelings and I avoid “you” statements that blame, shame, label or ridicule my kids. I use the same good manners with my kids that I would with an adult. This means saying “please” and “thank you.”
I understand that both my kids and I will make mistakes. I am not afraid to say “I’m sorry” when the mistake is mine. I encourage my kids to be independent, but I make sure I’m available if they need me. I am teaching my kids valuable lessons such as problem solving, communication, sharing and respect for themselves and others. I honor each of my kids’ unique abilities and personalities, allowing them to be different.
My behavior with my kids leaves no doubt in their minds that they are loved. I trust my kids and I always keep my promises, so my kids will trust me too. I don’t make promises I can’t keep. I am quick to compliment my kids. I am teaching my kids right from wrong.
I encourage my kids to pursue what they’re good at, not what I wish they were good at. I refrain from comparing my kids to someone else, even to a sibling. I take care of myself so I have plenty of energy for my kids.
I help my kids to set their own goals. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.054 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
How Well Do You Know…? This is an exercise for parent and child. Each participant should have a copy of this worksheet. Fill out the worksheet to the best of your knowledge. When both of you have completed the worksheet, compare answers. Take a moment to laugh over each other’s misconceptions and appreciate the ways in which you know each other well.
Parent
Child
Favorite color:
Favorite color:
Last book read:
Last book read:
Most admired celebrity:
Most admired celebrity:
Time your alarm is set for:
Time your alarm is set for:
Three wishes:
Three wishes:
Best friend:
Best friend:
Guaranteed to make you mad:
Guaranteed to make you mad:
Guaranteed to make you laugh:
Guaranteed to make you laugh:
Color of eyes:
Color of eyes:
Favorite thing to do together:
Favorite thing to do together:
Least favorite thing:
Least favorite thing:
Food you hate:
Food you hate:
Food that’s “good for you”:
Food that’s “good for you”:
If you could have a day off from work or school:
If you could have a day off from work or school:
Last time you cried:
Last time you cried:
Favorite compliment:
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Thinking About Change When we are faced with changes in our lives, we frequently feel full of contradictory emotions. Even when the change is welcome, we may still feel anxious or fearful. Recognizing and acknowledging our mixed feelings about change can make the transition easier. Use this exercise to think through your feelings about something in your life that needs changing, or is about to change. Change: __________________________________________________ When I think about this change, I feel __________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ In order to change this, I need to ________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Good things that might come from this change include: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ But I also fear that these things might happen: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ This change will affect others in the following ways: Name ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
Effects of this change _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
I could take these steps to help move the change forward: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ These people could support me in this: Name ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ Resources available to help me include: Resource ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________
How they could support me _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ How it can help _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________ _______________________________________________
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Climbing Change Mountain— One Step at a Time Sometimes when we want to change a major aspect of our lives, we may shrink from even beginning because it seems so big and impossible. Whatever change you’re contemplating, you can improve your chances of success if you set up a series of small, easily attainable steps on the way to your larger goal. The path to change isn’t always straight. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a few side steps to move forward. Use the diagram of Change Mountain to plot a course for the change you want to make.
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The More It Changes, the More It Stays the Same If you’re like most people, you probably have photographs of yourself from many different times in your life. This is your chance to get those photos out and explore how you’ve changed over the years and how you’ve stayed the same.
Step 1. Choose four events in your life from as broad a time span as possible. They can be events that you especially like or ones that represent milestones in your life.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Fill in the blanks for each event.
Look for any patterns in your life. Do you notice any changes in a particular direction, or do you seem to be holding to a steady course?
ink about how you th to u yo r fo ed n ig cise is des t or wrong answers. gh Remember, this exer ri o n re a e er th d over time; might have change
Event 1:
Event 2:
Year:
Year:
What I was like then:
What I was like then:
How I’ve changed:
How I’ve changed:
How I’m the same:
How I’m the same:
Event 3:
Event 4:
Year:
Year:
What I was like then:
What I was like then:
How I’ve changed:
How I’ve changed:
How I’m the same:
How I’m the same:
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A Problem-Solving Worksheet Often a problem seems difficult to solve because you limit your options for solutions. This exercise asks you to come up with more solutions than you may have thought possible. First, identify the problem (Be specific.):
Now the solutions. Use all the blanks. Write down any solution you think of, even if it’s not practical. Remember, a “crazy” idea can trigger the most innovative solutions. _____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
This is a good time to take a break. Set this aside for a day or two. Let these solutions roll around in your mind. When you pick up this list again, choose those that seem like the three best solutions. Write down why you chose them: Solution:
Why?
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Look over your solution lists again. Take another break if you can. Then pick your favorite solution and write about it in more detail: Solution:
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Brainstorming Guidelines for Problem-Solving When it comes to solving problems, two or more heads are definitely better than one. But problem-solving sessions can be unproductive if the group loses focus or is dominated by one or two members. Use the following guidelines to keep group problem-solving sessions productive:
1. Limit the entire session to one hour. 2. Define the problem to be worked on. 3. Define the success criteria for the session: What needs to be accomplished in order for the results of the session to be satisfactory?
4. Determine how the results of the problem-solving session will be used. 5. Allow five minutes for an introductory statement, 20 minutes for brainstorming and 10 minutes for a summary or prioritizing exercise. During the session: • Ask each participant to present two to three ideas. • Allow no criticism of ideas. • Encourage “free-wheeling.” • Go for quantity and diversity of ideas. • Combine and improve on ideas.
6. Assign next-step tasks and accountabilities for further review of information. 7. Summarize the session. 8. Communicate the results to others if appropriate. 9. Evaluate the results and use them to build follow-up sessions dealing with similar issues. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.061 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Procrastination Warning Signs Don’t let procrastination sneak up on you! Recognize the warning signs. Put this list where you can see it as you work.
Cut along dotted line
DANGER !
Procrastination Warning Signs:
I need another cup of coffee. I should clean my (typewriter, toolbox, work area, etc.) first. I really have the munchies. I’ll go get some fast food. I don’t have the right pencils (or other articles). Perhaps if I put on some music… I’m too tired. I’ll just take a quick nap. I need more information before I can begin. I need to make a list of upcoming projects first. I’ll just ask (any colleague) about (anything) before I get started. I should call (anyone) before I get too involved in this.
I often procrastinate by: __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
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Getting Past
Procrastination
Who hasn’t used the ancient method of “time management” known as never doing today what you can put off until tomorrow? But procrastination doesn’t feel good. When an unfinished chore is hanging over your head, it’s like living under your own personal cloud. The next time you have trouble getting started, ask yourself why you’re doing this to yourself. Perhaps one of the following solutions will work for you:
“I just can’t get started.” Don’t want to start now? Then give yourself a deadline for starting. Do something enjoyable, but stick to your deadline.
“It’s too big of a job.” Break the job into smaller tasks. Don’t think about anything but the first task until it’s done, then move on to the second task, the third task, etc.
“I don’t know where to begin.” Jump in and do what looks like the easiest, most enjoyable or least painful part of the task.
“I really don’t want to do this.” We all have to do things we don’t want to do, but if you’re habitually procrastinating in one area, stop and examine this message. Maybe you really need to make some changes so you’re doing more of the things you love. Fill in the following “Procrastination Diary” to get a better feel for why you’re putting the job off and what you can do about it:
Procrastination Diary Something I Put Off:
Why?
Do I Really Need to Do It?
My Plan of Attack:
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The Procrastination Toolbox Identify the project:___________________________________________ Make a stronger connection between you and the project. Why do you want to do this?
Why don’t you want to do it?
Visualize the project completed and you enjoying the rewards for doing it. What are the rewards of finishing?
Determine how close you are to completing the project. What steps need to be taken in order to finish the project? Steps: 1.
Complete By:
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P R O C R A S T I N A T I O N
The Carrot & Stick Approach hen a project founders, you may need some extra motivation to break free from that “stuck place” and complete the work. Sometimes it takes both a “carrot” (goal) and a “stick” (motivator) to overcome procrastination and get the job done. Look over the following lists of “carrots” and “sticks” and add some of your own. Choose your favorites and put them to work for you:
W
C A R R O T S
S T I C K S
• Small gifts to yourself when you complete stages of the project.
• Firm deadlines.
• Taking time off for a short trip when the work is done. • ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ • ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ • ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________
• Making regular progress reports to someone else. • ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ • ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ • ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________
or most people, rewards work better than penalties. For others, only the motivation of unpleasant consequences if the work is not done will do the trick. What works best for you?
F
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Building Good Relationships
Do Y ou the S Know core?
D
o people seem to enjoy being with you, or do they head the other way when you enter the room? Building relationships begins with the signals you give to show others you care about them. Rate your relationship skills on a scale of 1 to 5. Give yourself a 5 if your behavior is solidly in the first (“Do you…”) column, and a 1 if it’s decidedly in the third (“Or do you…”) column. For instance, someone who appreciates other people’s humor about half the time would give themselves a 3 for that skill. Now begin.
5
4 Do you…
3 RATING
WV
2 Or do you…
1
show concern for people’s needs?
only care about your own problems?
listen to others with genuine interest?
tend to ignore what’s really being said?
resist being swayed by first impressions?
make judgments about people before getting to know them?
frequently compliment other people’s accomplishments?
resent or ignore other people’s success?
enjoy other people’s ideas?
discourage opinions different from your own?
appreciate humor in others?
hate kidding and joking by others?
let people finish a statement before jumping in with your thoughts?
interrupt people frequently?
use “body language” to show you are interested in others? o this exerXERCISE: D E S ER N T R PA or a our spouse orkcise with y ill out the w r F . d n ie fr e clos r you urself and fo o y r fo t e e r h s mpare you o c n e th r, partne ut eptions abo rc e p s r’ e n part with nship skills o ti la re r u o eets y the worksh e s U . n w o your discuspoint for a g in rt ta s a as prove your im to s y a w sion on rtner. ith your pa w ip h s n o ti rela
look bored and impatient?
Total: If you have a score of 30 or above, you probably know how to make other people feel appreciated in your presence. If your score is 20 or below, people may feel that you have no interest in them or that you don’t respect them. The next time you’re around other people, focus on your behavior in those areas where you gave yourself a low score. What specific actions or attitudes can you change to give others the feeling you’re interested in what they have to say?
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Fight Fair Disagreements and outright arguments are part of the territory of close relationships. Because nothing destroys a relationship faster than the hurtful things couples say to each other in a bitter argument, it’s crucial that couples learn to argue fairly. Imagine you had used the following rules in your last argument. How would it have been different? Under each rule write how observing the rule might have affected the course of the argument: Be honest. If we had been more honest, our last argument…
Admit your mistakes. If we had been more willing to admit to a mistake, our last argument…
Refrain from blaming or shaming. If we had focused on our own feelings instead of blaming each other, our last argument…
Assume your partner wants you to be happy. If we had done this instead of assuming that we were just trying to make each other feel bad, our last argument…
Spend as much time listening as you do talking. If each of us had spent more time listening, our last argument…
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If we had made a bigger effort to see each other’s point of view, our last argument…
Take a “time out” if things get too intense. If we had taken a time out when things got too intense, our last argument…
When the argument is over, do something healing such as a hug or saying “I love you.” If we had known that we would have to end with a hug, our last argument…
Frequent arguments are often a sign that couples need to take better care of themselves and each other. Get together and agree on a time every week to do something that you both enjoy. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.067 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Talking and Listening O
ften, what makes a good relationship can seem deceptively simple. That there are many different versions of the following exercise is proof of its power.
STEP 1. STEP 2. STEP 3. STEP 4. STEP 5.
Agree to give this exercise time to work. Three times a week for four weeks is a good trial period. Set aside a regular time when both of you are relaxed, comfortable and won’t be interrupted. The exercise should take about 30 minutes. Keep a clock handy. For 10 minutes one person tells the other how their day went, how they’re feeling, and anything else that might be on their mind. The other person’s job is to listen completely and attentively without speaking. Switch roles without discussion. The one who spoke now listens, and the first listener speaks for 10 minutes.
When a couple builds this ritual into their life together early on, it can benefit the relationship in an amazing number of ways. What effects did you notice the first time you tried it?
After doing it three times?
After a month?
Take the remaining 10 minutes to talk together in any way that’s satisfying to both of you. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.068 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Weighing the Risks Though we often make crucial life choices based on gut feelings, intuition and instinct, it may also help to weigh the risks involved—what we stand to win and lose. RISK TO BE TAKEN:
WHAT I MIGHT GAIN: _____________________ _____________________ _____________________
WHAT I COULD LOSE: _____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________
_____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________ _____________________
TOTAL______________
_____________________ _____________________
____________ TOTAL
Use this worksheet to evaluate the pros and cons of a risk you’re deciding to take. Think of a risk as anything new or that represents a significant change in your life. It could be taking on a big project, a new relationship or starting a business. Write the things you gain by taking the risk on the left side of the scale, and the things you stand to lose on the right side. Give each pro and con a weight, by filling in the circles. If the potential gain or loss is very large, fill in all the circles. If the potential gain or loss is small, fill in just one circle. Then count the number of circles for the gains and losses to see which side carries more weight. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.069 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Stepping Out of the…
Comfort Zone Your comfort zone is the area of the known, the safe and the familiar in your life. When we need to feel safe, we retreat to this zone, only to be drawn out of it by curiosity, self-confidence or a sense of adventure. Although it’s good to have a sense of security, stepping out of our comfort zone allows for personal growth, new experiences and the achievement of goals once thought too difficult to reach. Because only you can determine what feels risky for you, begin at the center of the following circles or zones and imagine yourself moving out from that place. In the center, write only those activities that you feel totally safe doing. In the next circle, write in something that feels just a little bit risky. Keep moving outward, placing in the outermost circle things that are so risky you would probably never do them except under ver y unusual circumstances: When is the last time you stepped out of the comfort zone?
Are you planning to step out again soon?
How?
Comfort zones grow and shrink with your selfconfidence and sense of security. How might this picture have been different six months ago?
What about six months from now?
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Learning From Your Risks
Sometimes, the only way to accomplish a goal, solve a problem or achieve success is to take risks. Risks not taken can later be a source of regret, frustration or depression—even if chances for failure were high. Think of five times in your life when you have taken a chance and it turned out well. What did you learn from taking these risks? Risk 1. ____________________________ 2. ____________________________ 3. ____________________________ 4. ____________________________ 5. ____________________________
What I Learned 1. ___________________________ 2. ___________________________ 3. ___________________________ 4. ___________________________ 5. ___________________________
Now list five risk situations that did not turn out well for you: Risk 1. ____________________________ 2. ____________________________ 3. ____________________________ 4. ____________________________ 5. ____________________________
What I Learned 1. ___________________________ 2. ___________________________ 3. ___________________________ 4. ___________________________ 5. ___________________________
There are times when we evaluate a risk, play it safe, and decide not to take it. There are other times when we later wish we had taken the risk. Can you think of some risks you did not take, why you avoided the risk, and whether you now feel you made the right decision? Risk 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Why I Avoided It
Right or Wrong Decision? ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Distributed under license. Š Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.071 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
ARTIST BABYSITTER BEGINNER BOSS BREADWINNER BUILDER CAREGIVER CHAUFFEUR CHILD COACH COMEDIAN COMMUNICATOR COOK DECISION-MAKER DIETITIAN DISHWASHER EMPLOYEE EXPERT FACILITATOR FALL GUY GARDENER HELPER JUDGE LEADING-LADY LISTENER LOVER MAID MECHANIC NURSE ORGANIZER PARENT PEACEMAKER POLITICIAN PROBLEM-SOLVER RESCUER STUDENT SUPPORTING-ACTOR TEACHER
What Are Your Roles? What roles do you play? Take a few minutes to list all of them. Include roles in your career, family life and other relationships as well as those you fulfill in your personal life. _____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
• Circle those roles that give you the most satisfaction. • Draw a square around those roles that you least enjoy. Are any of these roles unnecessary? Could you eliminate them? • How many circles do you have? Do you perform enough satisfying roles to give meaning to your life? • How many squares are there? If there are more squares than circles, can you think of ways to reduce or eliminate these roles? • Draw a line through roles you don’t really need to play. What if you eliminated all those roles that you have crossed out? What roles remain? Jot down a few ideas for making those roles more satisfying.
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Focus on Roles List 10 roles that are an essential part of your life. What things do you do well within each role? What things do you do poorly? Write down one thing you could work on to change your performance. ROLE
THINGS DONE WELL
THINGS DONE POORLY
WORK ON
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T
ake Time to manager…
D
ream
volunteer…
attorney…
mother…
If you could perform any roles you wanted, what would you be doing right now? Write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t let practical considerations limit your imagination.
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
How many of these roles are you already performing? (If more than five, congratulations for achieving a high degree of role satisfaction.) We’re happiest when the roles in our lives conform to our values. How do your dream roles reflect your deepest values and aspirations? Finally, pick one or two of these dream roles that you can realistically turn into a life goal. Jot down three or four steps you can take to make these dream roles a reality.
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
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There’s Only One Me! Three people who are very much like me are: _________________________ because _________________________________________ _________________________ because _________________________________________ _________________________ because _________________________________________ Three people who are very different from me are: _________________________ because _________________________________________ _________________________ because _________________________________________ _________________________ because _________________________________________ Three ways that I am unique and proud of it are: __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________
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Self-Awareness
A Personal Mandala
I at h t
am
t no
M
t st eates r g y
rength
My greate
st we akn ess
W ha tI
wo ul
d giv f ife yl em
Th ree thi ng s
A mandala (from the Sanskrit word for circle) is a graphic symbol of the universe. Fill in the sections below to create a mandala for your personal universe.
fear eatest
Three thing s tha tIa
gr My
m
or
My
rite p favo
laces
My s t r o n g e st ho pe
b do
s oe
Som e thi ng I m us t
re efo
er
at I love d wh o an Wh ie Id
M yh Things I d o ver yw
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ell
This Is Your Life Self-awareness is as much about where you’re going as where you’ve been. Starting with your birth date, complete the timeline. Think about the significant events that have occurred in your life so far. What do you see yourself accomplishing in five or 10 years? AGE
0
YEAR
EVENT OR ACCOMPLISHMENT
Born
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Seeing Yourself Through Someone Else’s Eyes There’s nothing like positive feedback to generate self-confidence. In this partner exercise, you and your partner are going to share something positive about each other. Choose a partner who knows you and who is honest and can be reasonably objective about you. Each of you will have a copy of this exercise and will write for five minutes about the other’s strengths. You can make a list or write in sentences, but be specific. What do you admire about your partner? In what ways does your partner enrich your life? How does your partner make you proud? In this exercise, be honest, but discuss only the positive aspects of your partner’s character. Ready? Begin.
Now trade papers. The paper your partner gave you is yours to keep. Sometimes it’s hard for you to see yourself as others see you. Did your partner mention any strengths that you didn’t know you had? Next time you’re being hard on yourself, a quick review of this list can give your self-confidence a boost. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.078 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
What Does Self-Confidence Mean to You? Let’s explore what it means to be self-confident.
List the characteristics that indicate to you that a person is self-confident: ________________________________
________________________________
______________________________
________________________________
________________________________
______________________________
How would you rate your overall level of self-confidence in the following situations? HIGH At work 5 4 3 At a party or social event 5 4 3 Meeting people for the first time 5 4 3 Talking to your parents 5 4 3 Giving a presentation to a group 5 4 3 Talking to your children about sex 5 4 3 Meeting with child’s teacher or principal 5 4 3 Talking to your doctor 5 4 3 Disciplining young children 5 4 3 Discussing an important matter with your spouse 5 4 3 Taking your car to a mechanic 5 4 3 Asking people to donate to a cause you support 5 4 3 Talking to your boss about your performance 5 4 3 Attending a business function with your spouse 5 4 3 Disciplining your teenager 5 4 3
2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2
LOW 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Thinking about situations in which you feel the most confident, what contributes to your high level of self-confidence?
Can you think of any ways to boost your self-confidence in the other situations?
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Cooking Up Some Self-Confidence
A -
• • •
• • •
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You Are Lovable Sometimes we forget to appreciate ourselves as much as we deserve and need. We may berate ourselves about our inadequacies, and wait for others to tell us about our good points. This is your chance to compose a love letter to yourself.
? __, spect you ______ e r _ _ d _ n _ a _ e ____ I valu _ w much ______ Dear __ o _ h _ r ly e u t o la time, y old you azes me. r a long m fo a Have I t u ll o i t y s ___ nown I have k ______ _ ___ _ _ _ _ Though ______ ___ _ _ _ _ _ r u _ o _ __ lly y __. ______ l, especia ______ fu _ i t _ u _ a _ e b _ ____ ou are __ ______ To me y _ _ _ _ ______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ n _ _ r __ you whe ______ and you f _ o _ d _ u _ o _ r p ____ pecially ____ ______ _ _ I was es _ ______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ____ _____ ___ ______ _ ______ _ _ ______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ __ ____ ______ ______ n ____ _ e _ h _ w _ u _ o _ ____ mire y ______ ______ _ _ I also ad _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ ____ ______ ______ our _ _ _ ______ _ _ Two of y __ . _ n _ o s _ r e _ p _ _ vable ____ ______ ______ a truly lo _ e r _ a _ _ u o _ ___ er, y __. r ____ ______ Rememb u _ o _ y _ e _ r _ a _ s ____ , able trait ______ _ _ most lov the world _ n _ i _ _ le p _ o _ e r __ rful p and you y wonde n a m e r h there a . Althoug love you e you! I k li e t i u __ obody q ______ there’s n _ _ _ _ _ ____
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Curbing Your Inner Critic How you feel about yourself depends to a surprising extent on self-talk, the never-ending commentary that goes on in your head about what you do, think, feel and say. Much of this self-talk is negative, the voice of a “critical parent” that’s often much more negative than actual parents. The first step in unhooking yourself from this inner critic is to simply become aware of it. If you were as perfect as you want to be, how would you describe yourself? Using 10 words or less, write a statement that describes your ideal. Perhaps you would say, “I am a beautiful, loving and valuable person.” We’ll call this statement an “affirmation.” AFFIRMATION
INNER CRITIC
What did your inner critic say when you wrote your affirmation? Write that criticism in the right column. Now write your affirmation again, listening for the voice of the inner critic and write that down in the right column. Do this 10 times. You may be surprised at how negative your “critic” can be. Take the worst comment and turn it around: For instance, if it says, “You’re stupid and wrong,” write “I’m brilliant and right.” Pick three or four of your negative phrases and turn them into affirmations.
Choose the affirmation you like the most and carefully letter it in the space below. Cut it out and tape it on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator or your workspace.
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CON
R AT U L
N TIO S A
G
ON
Acknowledge Your Accomplishments
E
A
Too often, we ignore or belittle our achievements. It’s one of life’s ironies that even people who have accomplished a lot in their lives sometimes fail to give themselves credit for those O N B accomplishments. “Oh, that,” they say, “that wasn’t much.” W EL L DO But recognizing your accomplishments in a realistic way gives you a sense of quiet confidence, of knowing who you are, that serves you well in all areas of your life. What did you do today that you felt good about? Include the small stuff, like picking up a piece of litter as you walked to your work area, as well as the big stuff.
J
What about yesterday?
Last week?
This month?
This past year?
The last five years?
The last 10 years?
Who is the person who did these things? You are! Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.083 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Setting Limits Sometimes it’s hard to learn to care for yourself as much as you care for others. And if you tend to view other people’s needs as more important than your own, it can be doubly hard. This exercise will help you identify some areas in which you might be shortchanging yourself. List a few of the demands on your life that absolutely must be done. Include the needs and demands from your work, spouse, children, relatives, church, other organizations, etc.:
What limits can you set to guarantee that you’ll get your share of the pie? What are you willing to stop doing for others so that you can meet your own needs?
It takes practice to be firm about your limits. When you allow others to step over your limits, what is the most common reason?
I feel uncomfortable saying “no.”
I’m afraid of losing someone or something (my friend, my job, my spouse, my children’s love). Now think about your own needs.
I feel guilty if I don’t.
Do you wish for any of the following?
Their needs seem more
more free time space to do work more time with spouse, kids,
important than mine at the time.
etc. help with household chores someone to talk to more help with the kids ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________
When you allow time for your own needs, to balance out the time you spend doing for others, you’ll probably be surprised at how much more you accomplish all around. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.084 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Assess Your Stress ot all stress is bad. Stress is your body’s response to any change in its inner or outer environment. We expect things such as getting fired from a job or a death in the family to produce stress. But even good things, such as a promotion or a new baby, can create stress. Stress is as much a part of life as eating and breathing. The key to living well with life’s stressors is making sure there are enough periods of relaxation to balance out the periods of stress. When we’re faced with one stress period after another, with no time to relax in between, it can affect our physical and mental well-being. Here are some common symptoms of too much stress and not enough relaxation. Put a check by any that have troubled you in the past month:
N
fatigue sleeplessness irritability, anxiety or depression
a change in appetite headache, backache or chest pain
a noticeably negative attitude
If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, try some simple stress reduction techniques, such as meditation, deep breathing, relaxation or exercise. If you checked many boxes, you may require more than simple relaxation techniques. Consider asking a professional counselor to help you identify and deal with the stress in your life.
numbness feeling overwhelmed or out of control
poor concentration little things bothering you
frequent crying muscle spasms constipation or diarrhea shortness of breath difficulty controlling your temper
Exercise can be an effective way to reduce stress. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.085
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F
I V E
-M
I N U T E
Stress-Busters Most psychologists agree that some stress is good, providing you don’t get more than you can handle. These exercises can help you handle the stress that’s part of your busy life. WHEN I
TRIED THIS,
I
MENTALLY
FELT
PHYSICALLY
Deep Breathing. Inhale deeply, feeling your stomach expand. Hold your breath for a few seconds, then slowly exhale, visualizing tension leaving your body. Meditation. Close your eyes and mentally follow your breathing. As you exhale, mentally repeat a simple or soothing word with each breath. Or visualize a peaceful scene. Do this for at least five minutes or, for more benefit, up to 30 minutes. Self-Talk. Replace negative mental responses to stress, such as “I can’t cope,” with positive ones, such as “Everything is going to work out” or “I know I can do it.” Laugh. Just laugh out loud, or do something that will make you laugh, such as reading a joke book or watching a comedy on TV. Progressive Muscle Relaxation. While sitting or lying in a relaxed position, tense the muscles of your feet as much as you can; then relax them, and notice the difference in feeling. Tense and relax the muscles in your legs, arms, stomach, back, neck and head, one region at a time. When finished, remain in a state of complete relaxation for a few minutes. Stretching. Sit in a chair with your upper body resting forward on your lap. Slowly roll up, starting at the base of your spine, until your back is straight. Stretch neck muscles by tilting your head to the right and slowly rolling your head down and to the left. Repeat a few times in both directions. Self-Massage. Sit with your shoulders relaxed. Use your right hand to massage your left shoulder and neck, working your way up to the scalp. Repeat using the left hand for the right shoulder.
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What’s Bothering You?
Major life events, such as divorce or a job change, can cause major stress. But so can small things, like the person working near you who hums constantly, clicks a ballpoint pen or pops bubble gum. When small things pile up we may feel stress without knowing why. What are some of the little things that may be bothering you? What can you do about them? If there’s nothing you can do, how can you reduce the stress they cause?
Annoyance
Your Stress Reaction
Your Coping Plan
Contract canceled! I‘m getting old! I’ve gained five pounds! Waiter messed up my lunch order!
Car needs a tune-up! Too many phone calls! Not enough phone calls! Favorite show canceled!
Late to work!In-laws! No time! Back-seat drivers! Overcharged! Deadlines!
Plumbing problems! Red tape! Taxes! Not enough money! Lost my keys! Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.087 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Your Personal Support System
Family and friends are your personal support network. Who do you rely on (include pets) when you‌ need a hug?
___________________
want to learn new things?
___________________
want acceptance and approval?
___________________
have a financial problem?
___________________
want to play?
___________________
want to explore new ideas?
___________________
want sound advice?
___________________
have a problem?
___________________
need help with your kids?
___________________
need to share grief or sorrow?
___________________
need emergency help?
___________________
Do you rely on one person for many things? If so, perhaps you need to broaden your base of support. List two or three others whom you could call on: . ______________________________________ . ______________________________________ . ______________________________________
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Assessing Your Support Needs We all need and get support from family and friends. Sometimes we need support beyond these resources. In addition to family and friends, your support network might also include work and business contacts, support groups and professional counselors.
Who can you turn to if you need support in the following situations? SUPPORT PERSON
COMMUNITY RESOURCE
coping with grief or loss managing stress being a single parent caring for a hyperactive child quitting smoking coping with a serious illness recovering from alcoholism or drug addiction dealing with a legal problem caring for an aging parent working through financial problems finding a job coping with the effects of alcoholism or drug addiction in the family Are there other situations for which you could use some support? Write them in the spaces below and list one or two resources you could turn to. SITUATION
SUPPORT PERSON
COMMUNITY RESOURCE
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Finding the Support You Need Once you have identified your needs, you will need to do some research to find the right support system. Try these resources:
PUBLIC LIBRARY. Librarians can show you lists of national groups or associations, and may also have compiled information on local organizations.
TELEPHONE BOOK. Check: 1. yellow pages under “Associations.” 2. the Subject Index under the name of the topic you’re interested in (for example “Diabetes”). 3. community service pages in the front of the directory. YOUR DOCTOR. Many doctors can recommend self-help groups and support organizations for medical or other conditions. YOUR LOCAL HOSPITAL OR MEDICAL CENTER. Ask at the patient relations office. 12-STEP PROGRAMS. Alcoholics Anonymous offers tremendous support to people recovering from alcoholism or drug addiction. Al-Anon and Alateen support the family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. Other 12-step programs modeled on AA focus on eating disorders, drug addiction, gambling, etc. SCHOOL COUNSELORS. They can help you find resources for needs of children and parents. RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS. Most clergy can help you or refer you to help for a crisis or ongoing problem. They’re often a source of comfort during times of distress. LOCAL BULLETIN BOARDS. Check supermarket, laundermat or online bulletin boards for meetings of self-help or support groups. JUST ASK! Friends or business associates may have the information you need. START YOUR OWN SUPPORT GROUP. Can’t find the support you’re looking for? Chances are someone else has the same need. Try starting your own group. By making support and information available to others, you’ll also feel better yourself.
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Reaching Out F
or some of us, the hardest part of developing a support system is asking for help. We might be afraid we’ll be considered weak if we ask for help. Or we might worry that people will refuse to help, or that they will feel burdened by our request. But most people actually feel good about being able to help others. It reinforces that important human need to be needed. If you’re having trouble reaching out, ask yourself these questions:
Who would you ask for help if you weren’t afraid to?
What fears keep you from asking?
Specific things you could ask a person for would be information, suggestions, shared experiences, or new contacts. Good beginnings might include: • Do you know anyone who could help me with…? • I’m trying to get more information about…
How would you feel if someone asked you for this same help?
What specific things could you do to get more help and support?
• I’m looking for people who might have worked with… •
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What Do You Do All Day? Have you ever spent a day working frantically and got nothing done? Does it sometimes seem that the faster you work, the farther behind you get? Fill in this schedule with a typical workday’s activities. Include time used for personal chores and leisure or for just doing nothing. Supply as much detail as you can recall: TIME
ACTIVITY
to to to to to to to to to to to
Are there areas you could consolidate into one time slot? Time wasted between productive tasks? Time used inefficiently because high-energy work was scheduled during your low-energy time of day? Activities that really should have been postponed to another time? Jot down a few ways you could rearrange your day to make it more efficient.
Sometimes it turns out that reality doesn’t fit our recollections of what we do all day. Try repeating this exercise for one particular day, filling out the schedule as you go through the day. Was there a close match between what you thought was your “typical” day and what turned out to be your actual day? Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.092 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Setting Priorities: ——The Basic List—— In the left column, list all the things you have to do now and in the near future. After you make the list, rate each item’s level of urgency, using “A” for items that are most urgent and “C” for items that are the least urgent. Fill in the date by which each item should be completed. Use the last column to rank the priority of items that must be completed on the same date. URGENCY THINGS TO DO
A
B
C
COMPLETE BY (DATE)
PRIORITY RANKING
Now get to work on No. 1. If new tasks occur to you as you’re completing the urgent tasks (and they will), add them to the appropriate column, re-evaluate the list, if necessary, and get back to work. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.093 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
10 Tips for Time Management 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 bk
Make a list, prioritize and check things off as you get them done. Review your list from time to time. Is everything on that list necessary? Ask yourself, “What’s the best use of my time right now?” Then do it! Be willing to sacrifice “perfection” to get things done. Learn to say “no” to demands that don’t benefit you. Whenever possible, delegate! Don’t waste time on minor decisions. Arrange your work time to keep interruptions to a minimum. Be realistic about what you can accomplish during a given period. When is your energy at its peak? Plan your work for those times and use your less energetic times for leisure or a nap.
Not all time management tips work for all people. Which tips from this list have you found helpful in the past? Which ones are you willing to use today to help you manage your time? Do you have any of your own time management secrets to add to the list?
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Balancing Work, Family and Personal Needs Use this exercise to measure the degree of balance you have between the demands of work, family responsibilities and personal time. Answer each question with a number from this scale: ALWAYS 5 4
3
NEVER 1
2
AT HOME Does your family complain that you don’t spend enough time with them? Do you often feel anxious about the demands of your family? Do responsibilities at home make you resentful? Do you expect your family to adapt to your career needs? SUBTOTAL
AT WORK Do you feel frustrated because your income is not enough? Do you feel guilty about the time you spend on your career? Do you resent having to bring work home? Do you worry that your work interferes with family needs? SUBTOTAL
PERSONAL Do you feel there’s never enough time for yourself? Do you feel guilty about taking a vacation? Do you wish you got more exercise? Do you feel you never get to do what you like to do? SUBTOTAL TOTAL
A total score of less than 20 indicates you have learned to balance family, career and personal needs successfully. 21–30 indicates a good balance with some need for improvement. 31–40 indicates a fair balance. 41–50 shows that you are barely managing the juggling act of home, career and personal needs.
A high score in only one area indicates a need to organize your life so that area takes less of your time and energy. Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.095 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com
Restoring Harmony o the demands of your job interfere with family responsibilities? Do family obligations make progress in your career difficult? Are you neglecting your personal needs because your work and family demands are so great? Use this worksheet to identify the areas of your life that are out of balance and to plan some ways to restore harmony.
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Areas that are out of balance: TOO MUCH…
TOO LITTLE…
Home Work Personal Activities to add to restore balance:
Activities to eliminate:
Daily: __________________________________________
Daily: __________________________________________
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Weekly: ________________________________________
Weekly: ________________________________________
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Monthly or less often: _____________________________
Monthly or less often: _____________________________
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Responsibilities you can delegate immediately, whether at home or at work: ______________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Tasks you can teach others to do: ________________________________________________________________________ Improvements in organization: _________________________________________________________________________ Expectations you can eliminate: _________________________________________________________________________ Ways to achieve a more positive attitude: _________________________________________________________________ Other: _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Distributed under license. © Parlay International (v.2.1)1420.096 Only Licensees may copy or distribute this page, electronically or otherwise. For license information call 800-457-2752 or visit www.parlay.com