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CHEL ME ABOUT IT LETTER FROM THE EDITOR CHELSEA STEVENS
Illustration
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CHELSEA STEVENS Editor-in-Chief
chelsea.union@gmail.com
LEO PORTUGAL
leop.union@gmail.com
GABE FERREIRA
gabe.union@gmail.com
Managing Editor Managing Editor
MARCO BELTRAN
marco.union@gmail.com
COLLEEN BROWN
colleen.union@gmail.com
Senior Editor
Opinions Editor
ALISON ERNST
alison.union@gmail.com
STEVE BESSETTE
steveb.union@gmail.com
News Director
Entertainment Editor
JOHN VILLANUEVA Music Editor
LEO PORTUGAL Literature Editor
VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor
johnv.union@gmail.com leop.union@gmail.com vincha.union@gmail.com
CHRIS FABELA
cfab.union@gmail.com
OCTOPUS GIRL
octogirl.grun@gmail.com
Comics Editor
Grunion Editor
GABE FERREIRA
Art Director, Cover Design
CONNOR O’BRIEN
Photo Editor, Cover Photos
CHRIS FABELA
On-Campus Distribution
STEVE BESSETTE
Advertising Executive
gabe.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com cfab.union@gmail.com
I
’m not usually one to fall for the wicked wiles of Valentine’s Day. All the flowers and chocolate remind me less of a romantic evening with my loved one and more of my grandmother’s funeral. But this year, love has intoxicated my every asthmatic breath and flourished like developing muscle mass. With each revolution of the elliptical, with every contraction of the weighted crunch machine, my heart and abs burn with a sweltering passion, unquenchable by the state-of-the-art water dispensers. That’s right: I’m in love with the Rec Center. The problem is, so is everyone else. The most beautiful building on campus is no ordinary whore. Every Tuesday and Thursday evenings, when I arrive dressed in my best spandex to take the Rec for a ride, my fantasies are immediately disillusioned by the thousands of sweaty people wiping their moistened butts all over my favorite machines. Last week I almost fell face-first into a treadmill after slipping in a puddle of perspiration from the muscly guy beside me, who was too busy checking out the ass of the chick running past him to realize
steveb.union@gmail.com
Contributors: LAUREN HANNIGAN WES VERNER MARIHA LOWE ERICA ABITO DANIEL SERRANO ERIC BRYAN LAURA KAISER TORIE RIVERA TRAVIS BARON NICHOLE DANIELS
LISA VAN WIJK MAGGIE BOLES JAMES G. MORALES BRIAN WANGENHEIM DAVID ROSE BEN NOVOTNY CHRISTY BONHAM TANYA PAZ ROSE FEDUK RICHARD CARDENAS JR.
the exorbitance of his dripping. The inordinate amount of people leads to some painfully awkward encounters, like getting stuck on a bike next to the person that’s forgotten to shower for the past three weeks, or sitting across from the person using the machine you want to use and staring intently at them until they finally decide to get up and text somewhere else. I’m not saying everyone should stop going to the Rec Center. Okay, maybe that’s exactly what I’m saying. But you really can’t comprehend my endless love for this place. It’s like I was born to use the Rec Center, and the Rec was built just for me. So please people, I implore you: leave behind the multi-million dollar equipment, the racquetball court, the TV wall, and my 20-person jacuzzi, and let me and my Rec Center be. On a less touchy note, this week’s feature features the work of one of our most beloved illustrators here at the Union. One of my favorite parts of working at this publication is that we get to witness a myriad of talented
students here at CSULB; in fact, this issue showcases the creations of many of our amazing artists. And Rose is no exception. In hopes of discovering the secret to her genius, we managed to steal her personal sketch book… and immediately realized that our little Rose isn’t exactly the person we thought her to be. Head over to page seven if you’d like to experience it yourself; I promise, her madness does not disappoint. Have a lazy, workout-less week everyone, and thanks for reading. Ask Away!
Want to have your work featured in the Union? Want more friends? Send any questions, comments, or friend requests to chelsea.union@gmail.com.
DRAW ME TO CHEL
FOLASHADE ALFORD folashade.union@gmail.com PR Specialist
MARIHA LOWE
UNION STAFFER
In honor of this illustration-filled issue, the editors decided to draw their own versions of my face. Vote for your favorite at chelsea.union@gmail.com, and be entered for the winning editor to draw your face too!
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : lbunion.info@gmail.com WEB : www.asicsulb.org/lbunion
ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
MARCO BELTRAN SENIOR EDITOR
VINCENT CHAVEZ
GABE FERREIRA
CHRIS FABELA
COLLEEN BROWN
LEO PORTUGAL
JOHN VILLANUEVA
CULTURE EDITOR
OPINIONS EDITOR
ART DIRECTOR
COMICS EDITOR
MANAGING EDITOR
MUSIC EDITOR
UNION WEEKLY
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OPINIONS
NO TROOPS FOR YOU VIOLENCE BEGETS VIOLENCE TORIE RIVERA CONTRIBUTOR
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veryday in some form or another there is a reminder to support our troops. Always, it is said that they are defending our freedom. After spending two years studying political science at CSULB, I cannot accept this notion. It just does not make sense to me. The façade of honor in murder and borderline imperialism is not something to support. In my eyes there is a very distinct line between necessary bloodshed and pre-emptive strikes. More often than not when the credibility of current international affairs is disgusting there is little to no support for U.S. involvement in the Middle East. “Blame the politicians” or something about “Halliburton…” is tossed about pointing the finger at the guys in the suits—not to say the blame does not rest upon them. The troops seem to get a free pass in their role overseas. When they signed their name they knew, or at least should have known, the
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MARIHA LOWE UNION STAFFER
potential situations they could get into while deployed. Yet, over and over, it is said that they are just “doing their job.” I believe this argument was used about 50 some odd years ago in the Nuremberg trials and it did not go over very well; I’m not saying that the U.S. by any means is following the steps of the Third Reich, but the basic idea applies. The troops have a choice in what they do. Being a child in a family of those who have served in the armed forces makes it a little awkward to have the view that the military is not a glamorous or honorable endeavor. My mother was briefly in the Navy, my was father in the Army, and my grandfather was in the Army and fought in the Korean War. In addition, my great grandfather and great uncle had both been ranking officers in the Third Reich during WWII. Juxtaposed to this, my grandmother had not supported Hitler or the Third Reich. She had done what she could to aid
her Jewish friends during WWII in Nazi Germany. I cannot sit back and support the industrial military complex that runs rampant at the expense of other nations. Violence begets violence. As I sit and type this I can hear the angry cries. I do not mind them; I know in my heart and mind what is right, nothing can change that. There is so much needless pain and suffering in war, whether inflicted by or upon the troops. I have seen some of my closest friends come back from Iraq changed. They haven’t changed interest, hobbies, or something to that effect. The change is at a more basic emotional level… in their heart… something is missing. I could imagine that living in a world of death would be hard to shake off. The urge,
FEBRUARY GOES DOWN THE SHITTER WHEN YOU’RE ALONE AND SAD AND BITTER TANYA PAZ UNION STAFFER
So I know the “Valentine’s Day” issue was last week, but I’m going to pretend like it never happened, okay? Now that we have that settled, I feel like I should start this off by telling you all something I’ve been complaining about for weeks now: I dislike Valentine’s Day. Oh, and when I say dislike I actually mean I really fucking hate it. There are many reasons as to why I hate this holiday, with the strongest one being how incredibly pointless it is. Sweethearts everywhere go on shopping spree days prior to the dreaded February 14 looking for the perfect item that screams, “Hey, I really fucking love you.” Okay, that’s nice and all, but when you stop to think about it, why would you pick such an overrated day of the year to show someone how much you truly care and love them? Couples nowadays are so pressured by society to buy and do all sorts of extravagant things on that day, that any declaration of love on said day seems a bit forced and disingenuous. If you feel like you must celebrate Valentine’s Day, because you’re afraid of being perceived as a heartless asshole, just take a moment to let your partner know how you feel and call it a day. Please, don’t run to the local Walgreens the night before and buy a whole bunch of random stuff that your partner in all likelihood doesn’t even
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want or need. If it wasn’t blatantly obvious by now, I am single and bitter as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accepted the fact that I am going to die alone, but the first two weeks of February make it really hard for me to not cry at the mere sight of a couple. I can’t go to the grocery store without being chastised by stupid flowers, red and pink heart-shaped balloons and pretty boxes of chocolates. Although I am completely against the holiday, I’ve devised a plan to get a last-minute date this year. My grand idea is to slip the handsome James Dean look-alike in my History class a note that says “My body is ready, do me.” But alas, I realize such a move would probably result in a restraining order of some sort, so I’m forced to spend that day alone, as always. Without a doubt, Valentine’s Day just serves as a reminder of how incredibly lonely I actually am. Valentine’s day, or as I like to call it Single Awareness Day (S.A.D.) is just an overall nuisance. Apart from burning a huge hole in your wallet, it is completely overrated and unnecessary. Don’t be that couple that does stupid, cutesy shit on that day just because you feel like it’s obligatory, because not only will you hate yourself for it, but all us single folks will too.
need, or habit to defend and kill seems like something that just does not fade away. These scars are not something to support or boast about. War is hell.
“First to realize not verbally but in your heart, guts, and whole thinking that human beings in this world go through the same loneliness, despair, depression, extraordinary uncertainty, and insecurity, whether they are 10k miles away, 2k miles away, or here, we are all psychologically bound together. If one realizes that profoundly, in your guts, in your blood, in your heart, in your mind… then you are responsible.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti
RACISM RUNS RAMPANT
OPINIONS
IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS FOLASHADE ALFORD PR SPECIALIST
We’re two months into the new year so it must be time for some racial internet controversy, right? Well, Dave Ackerman has been so kind as to provide us with some material. For those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s a video of a guy asking people on his campus of BYU what they know about Black History Month. Seems harmless enough. Well this video ends up being kinda offensive, so let me just break down the main problems I have with it. First, there is a white guy in blackface. Already a problem. I don’t know what you guys believe but maybe you need to hear this from a black person, blackface is NEVER okay. As soon as the makeup you’ve donned becomes a prop for you to assume stereotypes, game over. In the beginning it seems the point of him being in blackface is to see if students will notice he’s not black. First, expecting somebody to question your racial identity is a problem. That’s what we’re trying to get past as a society, not being branded. Second, Ackerman starts the video with a “black accent” and later drops it. I don’t see what this has to do with asking people about black history month, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Ackerman starts asking people questions
ranging from “What month is Black History Month?” to “Who are some black historical figures?” and my favorite, “How do you celebrate it?” I’m not that concerned with people not much about historical figures, or knowing what exact month it is. That’s the month’s purpose: for people to learn about black history. But it’s a bit of a flawed system. Outside of elementary or high school, you can’t make people learn about black history. Where this shit begins to derail is when he asks people how they “celebrate.” Well it’s not a holiday, it’s a month of awareness. It’s like asking somebody how they celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I dunno, don’t get cancer? The one that made me mad was the guy who said they celebrate with fried chicken and grape juice. His lady looked horrified and if you’re being taped you have to fucking know that people will see it. Maybe even a black person. I’d say at the halfway mark Ackerman must’ve had an aneurism or something because the questions he starts to ask have absolutely nothing to do with black history. First, asking if somebody “knows one when they see one,” in reference to black people has nothing to do with anything. That’s like
asking me if I know an asshole when I see one. Then he talks to people about racial dating preferences. Where I fucking lose it is when he asks preference between black people that act white or white people that act black. I’m sorry for the black guy who was around when that question was asked because he looked so uncomfortable. My problem with that, and I’m sure this is something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my god damn life, is that there is NO acting “white” or “black” or “ghetto.” Please don’t come to me with blanket statements saying if I speak English and I know how to carry myself that I’m acting white, and if I’m feeling a little sassy and quick tempered, I’m acting black. I’m acting like a person, one with a range of emotions. Finally, he asks people to do an impression of black people. Now, I’m not going to act like a saint here. My brother and I do this all the time. He called me at work once and said he thought I was a white girl pretending to be me. The problem here is again the blanket statement, what people are doing are caricatures of black people, and one of them is an impression of Bon Qui Qui from a Mad TV skit. And yes, that’s hilarious but that’s not a black person. I don’t care what you
guys do in your own homes, but when it’s on the internet it becomes a whole other thing. So how about we just quit doing impressions of a race on camera, it’s gonna get you in hot water. He wraps up the video by saying only three people said anything about him not being black which is disturbing. You can’t expect somebody to look at you and be like, “Wait, you’re not black, quit playing.” When people are out in the world, we have to take them at face value, literally. All of that being said, I’m not particularly mad, just annoyed but not in any way surprised. The problem with videos like this is that they talk to 100 people but choose to edit the video with these select few to be provocative. The other thing is these people are ignorant, I don’t think what they’re doing is racist. It’s what they think they “know” and that’s sad, but it’s the truth. Now, the fucker I’m actually pissed at is Dave Ackerman. I don’t think he’s racist, but he is an idiot. This whole production was half-assed and I don’t know what he was trying to prove, but whatever it was he failed. The only thing he proved is blackface still isn’t okay and some kids at BYU don’t know much about black history. Either way, I want those minutes of my life back.
NEWS
STUDENT ART GALLERIES TREAT YO SELF (IT’S FREE) CHRISTY BONHAM UNION STAFFER
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ur school boasts a vibrant art department with scores of talented young artists. I took a peek in the latest metal works exhibit in the student galleries and found among other things, one of the artists herself. I had the opportunity to speak to Brianna Kay Allen about her pieces in the exhibit and learn the artistic process behind her art on display. My eyes were first drawn to an intricate chess set behind a glass case. The shiny aluminum pieces were mirrored by bronze ones on the opposing side. I was so impressed by the precision behind these small works of art; I thought things of that detail were left to machines. Although I’ve seen The Shawshank Redemption and knew that people could make chess pieces by hand, I couldn’t help but wonder about the difficulties of working with metal. I asked Brianna about her process and she explained that a wooden piece is carved then cast in wax. The wax is then used as a mold for the molten metal and voila: you have a finished piece. The pieces weren’t the only things that attracted my eye, however.
The chess “board”, for lack of a better term, consisted of sparkling, glittery sand. The black and tan squares alternated seamlessly and created a stunning finishing touch to this remarkable work. I, of course, had to ask Brianna which piece was her favorite and I was not disappointed. She directed me over to a miniature propane tank. My first response was “Cute!” Brianna smiled at this and said that was exactly the reaction she was hoping to illicit. She recounted her vision for a piece that recalled masculine connotations but was rendered with distinctive feminine touches. The size, simplicity and metallic shine reminded me of a child’s toy. No single word describes it better than “cute”, and cute is almost always associated with femininity. It was easy for me to see why this dynamic little creation was the artist’s favorite. I am very glad I was able to meet a face behind the art. It certainly humanized it and made me appreciate it on a deeper level. Brianna was a joy to talk to. She was neither a pretentious artist nor a dark, self-loathing type. She didn’t speak over my head or make
me feel like an unsophisticated common fool who knew nothing of modern art. She was a genuinely friendly and personable artist who took time from her busy schedule to go into some detail about her art with a complete stranger. I am impressed by both the art and artists emerging from CSULB’s art departments. If you haven’t seen the student art galleries, make a point to stop by—even if only for a few minutes. The exhibits change
weekly and who knows—you may even get to speak to one of the artists. Another good reason to go is to sneak a peek at the outdoor set up of the art department in general. It’s really conducive to relaxation and inspiration, with its hanging plants, white stone benches (for the artistic lounger!) and a bright, sunny (at least at midday) seating area. They got some pretty awesome digs. Oh and did I mention the art? That ain’t bad either.
number or email address). Gentlemen are supposed to list five reasons why they are clearly the best candidate for this event. And ladies, you have to just write a little about yourself and any funny dating stories you might have. The best three male and one female candidate will be chosen to participate live, on the air, on the weekly Sex at the Beach radio program. It’s a super cool CSULB original that provides an open forum for every viewpoint to be heard, people to share their stores, and for individuals to
express themselves on the radio live. All the contestants will receive prizes, and the winning couple gets a free date (sponsored by Sex at the Beach). The event will take place this Wednesday, February 15 at 10pm. If the “Blind Fold Dating Game” sounds intimidating to you (it shouldn’t, it sounds fun), you can listen live at home to the radio broadcast at www. kbeach.org and clicking on the link. What else could you possibly be doing at 10 o’clock at night? This is one radio show you won’t want to miss!
BLIND DATING THE BLIND DATE WHILE BLINDFOLDED WITH SEX AT THE BEACH ALISON ERNST NEWS DIRECTOR
Our society relies heavily on visual cues when communicating to others. We also rely heavily on physical attractiveness when seeking out people to date. What happens when you don’t have any visuals, and so you are forced to actually listen to what someone is saying to determine their date-ability? Sex at the Beach is hosting a new competition titled the “Blind Fold Dating Game” that will show what happens when males have to compete for the attention of a female, while everyone is blind-folded.
Again, this means that people have to make a decision on whether they want to date someone, solely based on what they sound like, what they say, and how they say it. It sounds interesting, right? Right. You should definitely apply. Sex at the Beach is looking for three guys and a girl interested in chatting it up while blindfolded in this event. If you think this is a cool idea, you can sign up easily by logging onto facebook.com/sexatthebeach and messaging them with your name and contact information (like your cell phone
PRIORITY REGISTRATION FOR VETS THE MILITARY, NOT THE ANIMAL DOCTOR KIND DAVID ROSE CONTRIBUTOR
Just recently, the California Legislator passed SB813, which gives all former and current members of the Armed Forces priority registration: “…grant priority in that system [CSU & UC] for registration for enrollment to any member or former member of the Armed Forces of the United States, and who is a resident of California, who has received an honorable discharge, a general discharge, or an other than honorable discharge, and to
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any member or former member of the State Military Reserve, for any academic term attended at one of these institutions within four years of leaving state or federal active duty.” Those who have received a dishonorable discharge or a bad conduct discharge are not eligible for priority registration. This is a big help to those veterans and current members of the Armed Forces who are either on the G.I Bill, or any other form
of tuition assistance, or who have a deadline in terms of how long they will be receiving their benefits. All veterans who are currently using the G.I. Bill only receive benefits for 36 months and this bill helps them to meet that deadline. SB813 also helps individuals who are currently serving by giving them the flexibility necessary to meet their military obligations while attending college. If you are a current or former member
of the Armed Forces (must be within four years of separation from the service), please bring either your DD 214 or current military contract and your school ID to Veterans Affairs Services, located in Foundation Building, Room 265, no later than February 17, 2012, to be certified for priority registration. For any questions or upcoming events, please visit the Veterans Affairs webpage at www.csulb.edu/veterans.
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THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD MY ENCOUNTER WITH SONGWRITER JEFF TAYLOR JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
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e met at Amoeba Records, one of the last vestiges of musical purity on the planet according to Jeff. Needing to fulfill my R.L. Burnside fix, I didn’t mind a bit. Jeff, hurrying from a singing telegram performance at the behest of a friend, was posting flyers for his upcoming shows at Silverlake Lounge and the Hotel Café. Guitar in hand, he greets me with a warm hello and a reference that seemed to escape my Nintendo 64 filled childhood. Jeff Taylor: You ever notice that LA, it’s very much a rat race, kind of like New York. You ever play Rad Racer on Nintendo back in the day? But it’s just like, it’s a pretty old one, I may have a couple of years on you, but we may as well say it was in the standard packaging in the NES. Union Weekly: When do you plan on dropping the album? JT: The album, Frustration In Time Travel, will be out sometime this year, probably really soon, there really is no answer yet, it’s going to be real soon, sometime within 2012. It’ll be pressed to vinyl. I recently got to see the process of how records are cut, and it was incredible. I’m very excited to have a vinyl copy of my own record. The album cover was done by mrilightpainting.com, which is Michelle McSwain and Ryan Warnberg. It was done with long exposure photography with LEDs, and ended up looking really cool. UW: Are you distributing it by yourself, or are you on a label? JT: I work with the Rockwood Music Hall in New York and Ken Rockwood is basically the proprietor and original soundman/
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artistic controller, along with the bookers there (Tommy Merrill and Matt Currie). So its really by Ken’s good graces that there is a record. And Rockwood Music Hall Records is a real thing. UW: So who is playing on the album? You have some very well-known musicians, Elizabeth Ziman from Elizabeth and the Catapult, drummer extraordinaire Mark Guiliana, Tim Lefebvre. You seem to be in contact with some very talented artists within the musical realm. Are any of those guys on the album? JT: Yeah, I do know some really talented artists. Some of those you mentioned are on the record. Elizabeth is on the record, she’s on one track, the duet “Howl You,” which is a song in which I’m really proud of because it’s really a much fuller soundscape than the other songs, which can be more minimal. Mark Guiliana certainly is on every track on the record. UW: What kind of musical influences do you try to display on the record? JT: Remain In Light by the Talking Heads, Kid A by Radiohead, all of us are big Dave Matthews Band fans from high school and college, and I stand by those records. I’m a huge Dave Matthews Band fan. I’m a huge Tom Waits fan, love Tom Waits, especially his later albums. I also have to say, and this is important, there are some local artists that I’m really into, Jesca Hoop, her Silverscreen Demos and Hunting My Dress records were amazing. Blake Mills, and his album Break Mirrors. There’s my friend Chris Morrissey from Taurus who just released an album, which is one of the few things that I actually have on my iPod. Then there’s Luke Temple, whose maybe as great an influence as anyone on me.
His new band, Hear We Go Magic are really picking up steam. They were on the road with Grizzly Bear for a while. I love Grizzly Bear, The Dirty Projectors, St. Vincent, I love all of those things. You know, David Byrne, Tom Waits, I think I identify with them physically, I don’t know why. Sometimes I see myself in their image a little bit, I would like to believe I am channeling what they do, but I don’t think that it comes out that way. It’s actually kind of ridiculous to go after that, but it is inevitable that we have these sort of musical “crushes.” By crush I mean influences that make you want to do something. I’ve had a lot of weird things that I’ve wanted to be. This will sound like something, but I remember really wanting to be a figure skater. It sounds funny now, but when I saw the Winter Olympics, I thought those skaters were so awesome. Look, they’re flying, and they’re wearing all this crazy crap, and they’re wearing these crazy suits. And when you look at it, they’re wearing the same things that David Bowie and Mick Jagger and Robert Plant were wearing, all this crazy, tight clothing and such. And I don’t really aspire to wear particularly tight clothing, but they were rock stars in some way and I wanted to be that. I wanted to be Michael Jordan, Thom Yorke, and Dave Matthews. UW: There is definitely a variety of sounds and stylistic influences on the record. You have songs like “Heart Hard” and “Repeat We Are” which are a bit out there, but fantastic nonetheless. You have straight rocker like “Frustration in Time Travel.” Overall it’s a very interesting record and there are a lot of great moments on it. JT: I think it’s been a long process, to be dead
honest. We started recording this record in late 2007, in Jake Goldman’s mom’s attic in Connecticut. Soon thereafter I was recording in Steve Wall’s grandma’s attic in New Jersey. Then shortly after, an EP was finished and mastered, that EP really begat the relationship with me and Rockwood as a Record Company. Tommy Merrill answered my phone call and when he heard we released an EP, he said he was excited and had an opportunity, and before I knew it I was showcasing my work for Atlantic Records. Because Atlantic and Rockwood had struck a deal to start an imprint label on Atlantic, called Rockwood Music Hall Records, I ended up being the first signing to Atlantic’s new imprint, and that was really exciting, and it’s still exciting to think about having been actually signed to a major label. It didn’t work out with Atlantic, but Rockwood Music Hall Records has continued their support and I’m grateful for that. (We continue traversing the rat race of Los Angeles nightlife, discussing the album and other musical entities as we head towards Cahuenga Boulevard.) JT: Steve Wall is one of the biggest beings in the Universe, same thing with Mark [Guiliana]. The three of us have been playing so consistently now, that even though this is my solo record, and Mark has Beat Music and Heernt and we’ve all had our own projects and Steve is the proprietor of Gardentone Studios, at this point it’s starting to feel like a band. (We stop over at Kitchen 24, a nice little food joint on Cahuenga. Settling at the bar, the
!!"#$ conversation, becoming a bit more casual, begets an entirely new realm of topics, ranging from the Justin Bieber to stamp collections to Hunter S. Thompson.) UW: I’m glad that I’m able to give press to people who I feel are putting out quality music, because there are some quality artists who really deserve attention. JT: Well, thanks for including me in that set, you know the Grammy’s are happening this weekend. We may be nominated for something in the near future, maybe a stint in a mental institution. UW: Can I get your opinion on the Grammy’s? It seems in a lot of people’s opinions that popular music has kind of been in a rut these days. People like Esperanza Spalding have been nominated alongside Justin Bieber for best new artist, and when she won there was an uproar. JT: Well, let’s celebrate it. Bieber was nominated, Florence and the Machine were nominated, I don’t want to put Florence and the Machine in the same category as Bieber, no offense to Bieber, but Florence and the Machine deserve to be categorized in a whole different universe than Bieber. Well, point is, Esperanza Spalding is amazing, she won for a reason, and it’s because she’s a genius, and it’s because she’s got a beautiful musical soul, and it’s because she wears a true face when she goes on stage, and I mean that metaphorically. And then those guys Arcade Fire, who won for The Suburbs, I held the master for that album at Sterling Sound in New York. I picked up a CD at some guy’s desk to look at it and it was a studio copy of the album. So that was a really cool experience, mastering my own record, you go in there listening to your album sound the best that it will ever sound and you really are proud of what you’ve done. UW: Did they have an electronic category in the Grammy’s last year? Electronic music has been getting a lot of attention this year. Stuff like Dubstep... JT: You mean like Skrillex. I mean, I like Skrillex, his stuff is amazing. It’s good, and it’s scary and it’s wild and fresh and new, well at least in this country, and it’s cool to bring something that powerful and influential to an entire country. So, here’s something else, I’m good buddies with Ryan Warnberg from mrilightpainting.com, and we just started a podcast called The Speculator, and that is basically a show about how people basically go to Google on their phone the second they don’t know something, instead of just speculating, so that can be followed at twitter @SpeculatorRadio. We want to follow along with that idea, people like things easier, no one writes hand written letters anymore. I write tons of hand written letters. You know how many I’ve received back from like 40 or so sent? None, literally none. UW: It’s a personable thing. Taking the time to convey your time thoughts and emotions through a handwritten message, instead of typing out something quickly and having the person receive it immediately. JT: Well to their credit, the people who don’t write back, it really is just the same thing, to get word by e-mail, in the sense that you are communicating information. But the things you are communicating when you hold a
pen in your hand, or sitting at a typewriter, are a little bit different, it’s a different process. Sometimes I draw little cartoons in my letters, I always splurge on the really cool stamps. I have Pixar stamps, US Merchant Marine stamps, I have Civil War Battle Stamps, you know all the historical ones. I go in there and I write about the stamps in my letter. I’m also a really big history buff, I read a lot about the Revolution and the Civil War, the War of 1812, and everything you’re reading from then was handwritten, in order for it to be preserved, and it made it to now, so... I take pictures of my letter with my “high tech” phone and I catalogue them. For myself, I don’t know why. I don’t expect anyone else to necessarily want to read them, but, it’s a good mind exercise, it’s like reading. Like what you learn in school, reading, writing and arithmetic. Math is still really important. UW: Will math ever not be important? JT: Maybe, math might end up not being important in school, it used to be, oh, you can’t use your calculator on the test. The reason why they would say that was because there was a time when you wouldn’t have a calculator in your pocket when you needed
more active on things like Twitter. Who knows, maybe after the article, I may get like 50 new Twitter followers in a week, that would be a windfall for me. Really this is the first piece of journalism done about me. I’ve been in the very long, very genius shadow of other acts for the last couple of years. Like Elizabeth Ziman, who is by far and away, the most, the most incredible songwriter and singer I’ve ever heard of and met. It was an incredible apprenticeship that I underwent with her. I have a similar one with Mark Guiliana, who really, I’ve been a best friend and apprentice to him at the same time. I also had another one with Avishai Cohen, who is a great bass player. (On the television by the bar, A basketball game of the Lakers vs. the Knicks is on. Jeff takes the opportunity to address his hometown team woes.) JT: Hey, there’s my hometown team, playing your hometown team. Of course, it’s still early. I can guarantee you the Knicks will lose this game. Any New York sports team that’s ahead going into the latter part of the game, will, inevitably, give up that lead. As long as I’m paying attention and caring about that team to win, they will lose the lead. (We depart, thanking the waitress for the chicken wings that we partook in, and head off towards the Hotel Café, where Jeff ’s friend, Javier Dunn, is performing.) UW: Anybody you want to thank? JT: I’m really grateful toward Ken Rockwood, the most important character of the story, who without him, there would have been no record. As well, Tommy, and Matt. Those guys who helped my career, gave me good slots on weekends. Whatever I need to do to get my music out there, without them I would not be here. Without people like Ken, Tommy, Matt, Elizabeth, and Mark, I wouldn’t have any of these opportunities. As well as others like Trixie Whitley, who took me on tour, and Gabriel Rios, as well as Javier Dunn, who I’m playing with tonight.
to figure something out. Now, you don’t even have to use the calculator on you phone, you just ask jeeves, or ask.com, or google.ask.hot, whatever it is. UW: This letter tangent is going in the article I hope you know. JT: Yeah. I was reading Fear and Loathing In America: The Brutal Odyssey of a Gonzo Journalist, it’s, I believe, the second, it’s one of numerous compendiums of Hunter S. Thompson’s outgoing and some incoming letters, and it’s awesome. And you know, I think he typewrote most of them, probably not handwrote, I think he was a really big typewrite guy. UW: I honestly wish I could read more. JT: Where do you usually spend your time? UW: Doing homework, looking up memes. JT: Memes? Like something that’s trending? UW: Something that’s a waste of time. JT: I’m sorry. I was born in 1981. So, I know these words, and I’m only so good at paying attention to certain parts of social networking and hot topics on the web and stuff, because I usually find myself taken away from social networking and such. I’m just now becoming
SHOWS AND LINKS 16 February 10:30pm-Silverlake Lounge 2906 W Sunset Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90026 17 February 7:00pm-Hotel Cafe 623 1/2 N Cahuenga Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90028-6201 MRILightPainting.com Website of artists Michelle McSwain and Ryan Warnberg GardenTone.com Website for studio owned and operated by Steve Wall DumpsterHunter.com Website of Jeff Taylor Twitter.com/dumpsterhunter Twitter of Jeff Taylor Soundcloud.com/dumpsterhunter The wonderful sounds of Jeff Taylor
(We walk through the alley towards the back entrance. Jeff, a gracious host and awesome individual, gets ready to enter the venue, but not without some final words.) JT: To me, my relationship with music isn’t a love relationship, which some people put music up on a pedestal, and make it everything, and, fuck that, I enjoy it and love it, but it doesn’t control me. I wanna use music as a tool. There are a lot of things I wanna do, not just music. I wanna be a teacher, I wanna do maybe some farming at some point in my life, I love doing Jiujitsu, a lot of things really. I love sports, I love music, I love food, so who knows what will happen in the future, I might coach a kid’s basketball team at some point. Maybe I’ll be a history teacher, I think these are all the means for finding more of myself. I just think music just happens to be my finest tool right now. (Jeff Taylor will be playing two shows, one at the Silverlake Café on the 16th, and one at the Hotel Café on the 17th, accompanying him will be Steve Wall, Cole Whittle and Dan Crean.) UNION WEEKLY
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ENTERTAINMENT
GAY-TIME CONTINUUM
A REVIEW OF LB PLAYHOUSE’S GAY HIST-ORGY CHRISTY BONHAM
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riday evening was opening night for Gay Hist-Orgy at the Long Beach Playhouse. I met up with some fellow students and we unanimously agreed that it was an entertaining and thought-provoking performance. The first scene started with Ian MacKinnon (I feel like I need to write “Sir” before that) having an orgasm—er,wait—pretending to have an orgasm? To be fair, he faked so many and he was such an enthusiastic actor it was hard to tell. Several times MacKinnon expressed his desire to have sex with the men he was talking about. At one point I think he simulated sex while sprawled on the floor, but I couldn’t pay attention to him and the porn on screen at the same time. Mr. MacKinnon’s play takes the audience on a sexy, “horny” journey through time and space to learn about various gay men and the infamy that surrounded them. The time machine was a psychedelic belt that, according to MacKinnon, vibrated on his balls. On screen, a magical genie acted as our tour guide and supplied information. However at some point a “virus” would attack the time machine and interrupt our time travel. A queer studies professor, who was our subconscious homophobia, told us we were reading too much into the letters, novels, and diaries of our assumed gay objects of study. Don’t worry
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though, by the end of the play we converted him to a fun-loving, gay “leather daddy” much like Ian himself. Part fact, part fiction, this little gem was a hoot and a holler from start to finish. That is no over-exaggeration. Mr. MacKinnon spends the entire play in the same leather, ass-less chaps and… studded harness? (I’m not sure what you call the buckle thingy around his chest.) If you don’t know either your best bet is to probably ask your friend who is into S and M porn. My advice: see this play, preferably with a group of friends. MacKinnon loved audience participation and the more there was, the more we will enjoyed the play. Strangely enough, the audience Friday night was mostly senior citizens. If I can have fun with that audience, I imagine you could have one hell of a time with a bunch of youngsters. Oh, and kudos to the old people for not getting up and leaving halfway through the play. The play unfortunately only had a brief stay here, but the good news is there are many upcoming shows in LA. Better yet, the LA shows have two parts! I just might have to clear some room in my schedule to see the continued adventures in Gay HistOrgy, Part Two. For dates, show times, and tickets see GayHistorgy.com.
RIGHT ON QUEUE
NEW ADDITIONS TO WATCH INSTANTLY ON NETFLIX
WEEKEND
VINCENT CHAVEZ CULTURE EDITOR
Andrew Haigh’s Weekend is that rare romantic comedy—one that is romantic without sap, humorous but devoid of punch lines. It opens with Russell, a reserved twenty-something Londoner, getting ready for a party with his straight friends. He heads out early and tries his luck at a gay bar where meets Glen near closing time. Their one-night stand branches into a weekend filled with sex, drugs, and breakfast. It’s a simple set up, but Haigh captures the precarious affair intimately and honestly. The dialogue is so close to natural speech it gives the impression that the actors are improvising, making much of the film’s authentic tone is due to the actors’ completely believable chemistry. One of my favorite aspects of the film is
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its unabashed gayness. The conversations about identity and sexuality are frank and the sex itself is both graphic and incredibly hot. That being said, I hesitate to classify the film as a gay movie. Weekend is as much about the gay experience as it is about the modern one. In a scene in which Russell texts Glen, the camera focuses on the phone’s screen as Russell types his message, considers it, and then edits himself. Would using an exclamation point sound too forward? Does the smiley face give off a hint of irony? Moments like this reveal Haighs intention: to create a movie that represents courtship in the twenty-first century. Their fragile relationship isn’t meant to last, but every scene leading up to the end pulses with a strange mix of fear and excitement.
LONESOME DOVE
A tale of man’s will to live in the face of seemingly insurmountable hardship, Lonesome Dove takes the Greek tragedy and sets in the glory days of the old west. The show, originally aired in 1989, is a sixhour long miniseries broken up into four episodes and tells the story of aging Texas Rangers Gus MacRae and Woodrow Call. The two longtime friends decide to embark on one last adventure and leave behind their home in Lonesome Dove, Texas, to drive cattle 3,000 miles to the unsettled wilderness of Montana. Through the course of their journey, the old Rangers and their companions are pushed to their limits, fighting Mexicans, Outlaws, Native Americans, and the elements along the way. The show is beautifully
CHRIS FABELA COMICS EDITOR
done, filmed almost entirely on location in New Mexico and Texas, with a cast of heavy hitters including Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, Danny Glover, Steve Buscemi, and Angelica Houston to name a few. Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones play the hardened badasses of MacRae and Call respectively, taking guff from no one and never abiding rude behavior. The show has some excellent action (although there is a couple gunfights with the worst timed squibs I’ve ever seen) but at times is intensely emotional. In each episode at least one major character dies in a horrible manner. The show touches on the unforgiving Old West, while examining the humanity and flaws of supposedly great men of vision.
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THE BEST CHICK LIT BOOKS
I’VE EVER READ AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ THEM TOO LAUREN HANNIGAN CONTRIBUTOR
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o me, Chick Lit is any book that makes me think, “It is so stellar to be female!” Women are often portrayed in books as the damsel in distress, needy, slightly dumb, pretty, and fragile. I like girl power books that make me proud to say, “Yes, sir. All this and I’m smart too!” I love Chick Lit, and I’m an English literature major and women and gender sexuality studies minor. Thusly, I call myself a Chick-Lit-Ologist. I’ve read a plethora of books (I’m an insatiable bookie, I’d shoot up literature intravenously if I could) that I’d classify as Chick Lit. Here is a list of my favorite five and why you should totally check them out too. The Bell Jar (1963) by Sylvia Plath Sylvia Plath’s one-and-only novel is the semi-autobiographical tale of Esther Greenwood, a woman who has a seemingly perfect life; however, mental instabilities and ruthless self-doubt lead her to (almost) complete self-destruction. This story focuses on topics such as mental disease, suicide, feminism, sexuality, individuality, and the process of “rebirth”. I read this tale at an interesting time in my life; I was experiencing a rebirth of my own while simultaneously reading about Esther’s rebirth. I was entering into the world of womanhood, the last few months of my high school career were approaching, and I was experiencing one of the worst cases of a broken heart mankind has ever known. I felt a deep connection with the struggles of the young and confused Esther Greenwood. Furthermore, her triumphs at the end inspired me and that inspiration still lingers to this day. Sylvia Plath, although strange and somewhat troubled, was one of the most edgy, audacious, and bitchingly cool woman writers (hell, a writer is a writer, why did I even need to define her gender?) of the 20th century. This book is just as hot and captivating as the oven in which Plath eventually ended her life. The Second Sex (1949) by Simone de Beauvoir This is 732 pages of literary genius. Simone de Beauvoir explains at the beginning of her tale, “One day I wanted to explain myself to myself…and it struck me with a sort of surprise that the first thing I had to say was, I am a woman.” This book explains the history of mankind in an incredibly straight forward
way, delves into the anatomy of what makes us man or woman, maps out the evolution of the roles of women, and goes into detail about why females, more often than not, are considered to be the second sex. I bought this book my junior year of high school with some babysitting money. My entire life I attended an extremely conservative Christian school. Then in the middle of high school, I transferred to a local Catholic girls school, which, little did I know, was run by hardcore feminists. I got interested in feminism and bought this book to teach myself more about “other” ways of thinking about gender roles besides what I had been taught growing up. The Second Sex, like The Bell Jar, coached me through the rebirthing process of becoming a feminist. This book made me take a step back and think to myself, “Being a female isn’t too bad… Actually, we’re pretty great!” Although this book is very dense, and Beauvoir doesn’t hesitate to go into incredible detail on every topic she covers, I couldn’t help but stay up late at night reading this and highlighting almost everything she says. Read this book. Seriously, it’ll give you, whatever your gender, a new sense of belonging in the human experience.
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filled with sexual innuendos and purposeful sexism, and yet it remains mysteriously erotic. I love the idea of “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum” in The Handmaid’s Tale, which is Latin for something like, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” Read this book and you will find yourself viewing society and feminism in a profoundly new way. The Feminine Mystique (1963) by Betty Friedan The Feminine Mystique is such a pleasure to read! This book took an entire generation of women who felt inadequate being stay-athome mothers and told them they could be more if they wished. This book explains the emptiness women felt during the Nuclear Era
of America and explains, on a very organic level, that females are more than just our mothers, wives, cooks, and maids. Friedan criticizes society’s views on women and even criticizes Sigmund Freud’s ideologies on the role of females. This book is a fantastic debate of feminism and is chock-full of brilliant closeto-home examples of sexism in society from Friedan herself. This book is a massive part of feminist history, as it is said to have ignited t he Second Wave of the feminist movement. Reading The Feminine Mystique was an excellent way to remember how desperate and dissatisfying the lives of many American women were during this time in history and how far as a society we have come today.
Feminism is for Everybody (2000) by bell hooks Feminism is for Everybody is probably one of the most pleasant and straightforward works on feminism I’ve ever encountered. This book is about 100 pages of information about the history of feminism, the different waves of feminism, social media, body image, eating disorders, sexuality, reproductive rights, and humanist thought brilliantly tied together through the rich wording of the legendary bell hooks. Hooks continuously reminds her readers that even though the “Establishment” and pop culture say otherwise, every human being has value and worth. Whether you’re a feminist newbie or a jaded feminist ideologist, this passion-laced short book is a must read. The Handmaid’s Tale (1985) by Margaret Atwood The Handmaids Tale is not only one of my favorites of the Chick Lit genre, but also of the dystopian genre. This book is nothing less than completely epic. The action is just as intense as the themes of women’s liberation, individuality, sexual freedom, separation of church and state, government control, and identity. Nearly every line of dialogue is UNION WEEKLY
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SUGAR, SPICE, AND EVERYTHING NICE A PRINTED FASHION BLOG
ERICA ABITO UNION STAFFER
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or the beautifully gloomy month of February, my team of fabulous gals and I thought what better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than by having a good old-fashioned baking party. So we baked some cute, frosted treats for the boys, with not a sprinkle spared. And then, we poisoned them. I call this month’s look, Killer Cupcake—it’s sweet, but not so innocent. In one of my literature classes this week, my professor asked, “So, who here believes in true love?” Half of the class raised their hands. I didn’t think twice about my decision until the lecture moved in a totally different direction, but when I realized that I hadn’t raised my hand for love, it made me wonder when I had stopped. I used to think life was meant to be a fairytale, with love as the main theme. I guess I can chalk that up to one too many Disney movies and Nicholas Sparks’ books, though. Anyways, I’m really not antiValentine’s Day or anti-love or anti-any other romanticisms. I’ve just dated more douchebags than I can count, confused lust for love one too many times, and been disappointed for days on end when a guy
Chuck Bass
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turns out to be more like a Tool Academy contestant than the Mr. Darcy or Chuck Bass I thought he was (the new and improved Chuck Bass who actually has a heart, of course). But no matter who you are, what your Facebook relationship status is, or whichever losers make up your past love life, February 14th is inevitable. So here are some tips to keep your Valentine’s Day sweetheart image up at the very least. And if that’s not enough to get your spirits up, try baking some red velvet cupcakes and washing them down with a bottle of Stella Rosa. FASHION 1. Tulle: Ah, a girl’s best friend. Tulle has the power to make any girl-next-door feel like a princess, with or without a so-called prince. Plain tulle skirts are a great buy, because you can wear them under almost any dress that isn’t super form fitting. If you get really lucky, you can find a dress with a sheer, exterior layer of tulle like this blush pink/nude one I came across at Buffalo Exchange. (To see these photos in color, go to trenddiary.tumblr.com.) 2. Bows: Bow headbands, bow jewelry, satin bows—bows scream fucking adorable. The more dramatic the bow, the better. 3. Lace: Okay, this one is a little tricky, because lace was huge about five or six years ago and most of those pieces are just tacky now. To do this trend justice, look for pieces that are either completely sheer lace or ones that are layered under some tulle. 4. Cardigans: I don’t even want to call this a trend, but I need to express how much I love cardigans. Grandma ones, boyfriend ones, floral ones…you really can’t go wrong. So fill your closet up with them.
GUYS’ FASHION Dress-up! Seriously, stop being so lazy with your damn wardrobe and take it up a notch, because girls love well-dressed guys just as much as you love us in heels. Put a collared shirt on. It doesn’t have to look stuffy and business-y if that’s not your thing. Not everyone is Chuck Bass. But even a plaid button up with a skinny tie will score you some points. If you want to take your tie game to the next level, buy a bow tie. Now a bow tie can backfire (if it clashes horribly with your shirt color or if it goes in the Pee Wee Herman direction, for example), but the fact that you’re rocking a bow tie at all is the cutest thing ever, I promise. If you’re still self-conscious about the shirt & tie deal, throw on a beanie or some Chucks to contrast the dressy-ness.
HAIR: 1. As always, tease your hair like you’re in an ’80s hair metal band. Use Big Sexy Hair’s Backcomb in a Bottle for the best results. 2. Pull all of your hair over to one side, leaving your bangs out. 3. Fish-tail braid your hair until there is just an inch left of your ends, and tie the braid in place. 4. Carefully place your favorite headband on. Try not to touch the teased hair. 5. Your look can be finished here or, if you want the messier style we went for, gently tug at the braid with both hands from top to bottom, slightly deconstructing it. Love & Chanel, Ema
BEAUTY BY CICI My Rihanna-redheaded Cici is celebrating her birthday in Vegas right now, so I’m sorry that I can’t give you guys an in-depth how-to this month, but I can tell you what I do know and show you some products that Cici and I both die for. MAKEUP: 1. Urban Decay’s Naked palette (the first one that was released) 2. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion 3. MAC’s limited edition Heatherette Eyeshadow Trio 4. MAC lipstick in Hang Up 5. MAC Studio Fix foundation powder 6. Revlon lipstick in Fuchsia Fusion 7. Too Faced Lashgasm black mascara 8. Big Sexy Hair’s What A Tease spray 9. Aveda Control Force hairspray
Fashion Stylist/Model: Erica Abito Hair & Makeup Artist/Creative Director: Chantrelle “Cici” Canas Photographer: Cherish Rualo
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Disclaimer: This page is straight ’90s satire, streamlined and pumping on 100% pure, glassshattering semen. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Send your hate to octogirl.grun@gmail.com.
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BY INDIANA TOM JONES
Following President F. King Alexander’s meeting with President Obama, we at the Grunion sat down to discuss the encounter and, particularly, F. King’s newest bodily alteration. F. King A: Bodily bodily bodily. Funny word, bodily. Grunion: Um, yes, Dr. King, it’s an interesting word. So, what was the focus of your meeting with President Obama? FKA: That beautiful wife of his, ehhehheh. Nah, just kidding. I did get some digits though… that little Sasha’s a feisty one. Gr: Isn’t she eleven? FKA: I count in dog years. Gr: Intriguing. Were you able to actually have a conversation with President Obama? FKA: We conversed quite a bit, mostly reciting the opening rap to Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It’s one of the Presidents’ favorite, you know. Mine and his. Gr: How were you able to relate that back to the terrible hits taken by the budget of the CSU system? FKA: Wait, what was the question? Gr: Nevermind. Do you think he’s doing a good job as President? FKA: Well, I know the President would like to give the students back their football team, and he’d also like to fix up these problems with the building infrastructure on campus. We don’t want a bunch of students dying all willy nilly in the next big quaker, y’know? Gr: We meant President Obama, sir. The President of the United States? FKA: Hell yeah, dat brudda be straight chillin’. Gr: Are you speaking in ebonics? FKA: Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? Gr: Is it true that the CSU provides you with
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a new car every year? FKA: No, that’s not true one bit. I’ve been driving the same Porsche for the last two years. And next to Obama’s monthly sports paraphernalia, that don’t look like nothin’! I asked to borrow his new Giants jersey, but he said no. Gr: We understand this visit led to a new piece of body art. FKA: Wanna see it? Gr: Not really. FKA: C’mon, just a peek. Just the tip? Gr: Excuse me? FKA: Just kiddin’. Gr: What was the inspiration for the tattoo? FKA: Well, I really met with the President in order to get a clear picture of his face in my noggin. That way, I could see which part of my body it would look best on. I ended up going with my chest because, well, that’s where the heart is. And that kind man, he stole my heart. Gr: Touching. FKA: Touch me? Gr: Dear god, no. Is there anything else you’d like to tell our students? FKA: IIIINNNNN WEST Philadelphia, born and raised…
Two weeks ago, Apple, Inc. withdrew from the United States and formed its own independent nation. “Frankly, the formation of Apple as a nation was inevitable,” says Apple CEO Tim Cook. “Steve Jobs’ last will and testament required that, in order for me to claim my inheritance, I would have to spend the night in a country named after a fruit. I spent the night in ‘Guam’ because it kind of sounds like the name of a fruit, but Steve’s estate lawyers said that that wouldn’t fly. I then looked over at my iAppointment app, which is what we use to make appointments within the company, and I saw something strange: every appointment in my book had been erased but one. There was an appointment named ‘Look in your leftmost drawer, you iDiot.’ I took the first private flight out of Guam and checked my drawer and found Steve’s plans for the formation of Apple nation. Good old
Jobs was still touching me all the way from heaven thanks to the power and technology of the iPad.” The plan was quickly set into motion. A fleet of ships full of people and dirt departed from China to the South Pacific Ocean, where they began shoveling dirt into the ocean. In 48 hours, Apple nation was formed. Oddly enough, though the formation of this entirely new continent happened over two weeks ago, there had been no press coverage of it until now. As an Apple related story, it fell under the purview of technology “journalists” and “reporters” who gave this story zero attention. “We were diverting our resources towards predicting what the upcoming iPad 3 might do,” said tech journalist Malt Wossborg. “For one, I think it’ll have a really fast A6 processor. For two, I think it’ll have the A.I. assistant robot-voiced Siri built into it which would be nice because it would talk to me with the voice of a lady.”
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Janet Jackson’s Death Marks First Sign of the Apocalypse
Nerds are always trying to find ways to torment the jocks. They won the ultimate battle in LA County where offenders of a new noball, no-frisbee, and no holes deeper than 18-inch law will be fined $1000. Jocks will have to frequent dog parks, shopping malls, and Disneyland for their ball, frisbee, and digging holes deeper than 18-inch needs. Nerds won. Jocks should just kill themselves because the Super Bowl is over.
“Sprots” Page 1
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