No. 1
THE GRAPHIC’S ENTIRELY MADE UP NEWSPAPER. HONESTLY.
The
Grunion c PEPPERDINE’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE ON ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING NEWSISH-LIKE
$10
ONLINE EXCLUSIVES
Nicki Minaj feat. The Pope tickets in the HAWC. We can’t make ’em any cheaper people.
W
elcome, friends, to the first and likely last satirical newspaper ever published at Pepperdine! Or, at least we think it’s never been done before; we don’t know for sure because we got tired of all that “investigative journalism” junk a long time
Willie the Wave does not get callback from Blue Man Group auditions
Woman spends five Wealth gap at minutes strategically Pepperdine choosing what public mirrors feudal era; bathroom stall she Many very rich, will use many very poor
Campus Weather Today
Apri l 5, 2012 Sunny, with a chance of blinding fog and forceful winds. Watch for falling trees near the CCB stairs.
IP ANNOUNCES NEW PROGRAM IN REALM OF EXCLUSIVE
NARNIA F
EDITOR’S
NOTE By Sonya Singh
PROSPECTIVE STUDENT FROM SEATTLE / FUTURE PSYCH MAJOR
Two students take a tour of the ‘old, wintery’ Narnia from the Pevensie children. Due to recent foreclosures in the realm, Pepperdine was able to acquire a castle there for Pepperdine’s newest study abroad program.
SPECIAL
REPORT
DRY CAMPUS
I
LEAVES
n recent weeks, the Pepperdine student body has become nothing short of distressed as a result of the university’s decision to expand its dry-campus policy to include all liquids. The dehydrated student body was told that the “Absolutely No Beverage on Campus, Because We Are a Dry Campus, After All” Policy was implemented April 1. No longer can students purchase Smart Waters, Odwallas, fountain drinks, Jamba Juice or coffee. If it’s not dry, it’s gone.
It’s common knowledge that on Pepperdine’s campus there is indeed an electric fence dividing men’s and women’s dorms, there is absolutely no dancing or so-called “rhythmic movement” and students had better not be caught dead holding hands. After all, research shows that Pepperdine is the most strict, conservative Church of Christ school
STUDENTS PARCHED
ago. If the banner at the top of the page and the absurdity of these headlines are still misleading, here is my official disclaimer that all of the stories you see within this section are 100 percent fake. While it is published by the Graphic, which is quite real, this special section is not to be taken seriously, like The Onion or the Huffington Post. You see, no news outlet reports that 12,293 car accidents did not happen today, that 9,674 banks were not robbed, that half of the marriages are not ending in divorce. We know that good news only gets featured on the eighth hour of “The Today Show” if a Golden Retriever puppy pushes the button on its collapsed owner’s Life Alert necklace in time to save her life. There is an acute need for goodness and humor amid the usual bleakness of news reporting, and that’s why we admire outlets like The Onion and choose to follow in their footsteps with our firstever satirical section. By pointing out the absurdities of issues, satire is also an effective means to make a point and bring about change. However, I assure you that much of the time we’re not really trying to be deep here. Saying that Pepperdine is opening a new International Programs campus in Narnia is certainly not sardonic commentary on the geographical reach of our real IP programs — it’s just something that made us laugh. On the other hand, some of it will evoke truth and mock it endlessly, like the bit about the girl stopping to Instagram a sunset while she should be taking her friend to the ER. You know it’s sort of true, but absurdified (a word I just made up). All we hope is that it makes you laugh too. So, in the spirit of April Fools’, embrace the tomfoolery of this special section, remembering that it’s all in good fun. In the meantime, I’ll just sit here hoping I didn’t subconsciously steal all our material from “30 Rock.” That must be why I had to cut the story about the werewolf bar mitzvah, titled “Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.” Never mind that. A huge thank you to Heather Manes, without whom this wouldn’t have been possible. As always, we’re eternally grateful for our readership, all seven of you. (That part wasn’t satire.)
that can be found anywhere in the universe. As a result, these recent outcries for help from the student body have gone completely unheard. Fortunately, a recent press release from President Anthony K. Binton shed some light on these dire events. “First and foremost, we want all students to know that we trust them completely,” he said in a press release. “However certain precautions have been taken in light of a recent study conducted by International Programs about our student body’s level of alcohol consumption.”
FULL REPORT
2 WAVENET SHUTS DOWN Annual
WAVENET SHUTDOWNS
>
See PARCHED on page
YET AGAIN
Shows immense power, IT officials said
2008 2009 2010 2011 2012
S
ources confirmed this week that the frequent Wavenet shut downs are not to clean up
life & leisure 5
the system, but to show the immense power of Wavenet’s presence in the every day lives of students. “Hearing the complaints reassures us that yes, students check their email and yes, they in fact do know our phone number,” said one Information
Technology representative, who did not want to be named. He-who-shall-not-benamed also mentioned there will continue to be shut downs in light of the upcoming finals week. Report by Heather-at-Large-Manes
DPS Reports
2
BURIED
or years, Pepperdine University has expressed interest in one day expanding the geographical range of its already-impressive International Programs. Yesterday, the administration announced that their dream of establishing a campus in Narnia will finally come to fruition. Thus far, the administration and faculty believed that the controversial rule of White Witch and her brutal endless winter would be unsafe for students, particularly Californians, who can barely handle the cold of the Lausanne program. Luckily, Narnian media outlets are reporting that the witch has been slain and endless summer has graced the plains of Narnia. So it came to no surprise when yesterday, President Anthony K. Binton announced the University’s plans open a campus in Narnia. The news was very well received by many faculty and students, especially English majors and Brits.
FULL REPORT
on page 3 > See NARNIA
BONES: Ancient burial ground found beneath campus
A
n ancient indigenous settlement and burial ground was discovered underneath Pepperdine’s main campus during spring break, according to officials. The massive burial ground, which extends from Joslyn Plaza to Rho Parking Lot, was unearthed during a routine maintenance of the school’s drainage system. This reporter witnessed the partial excavation of the site in Rho Parking Lot during break, largely because this reporter had no plans over
spring break and spent most of her time sleeping in adjacent Rockwell Towers Lot to pass the time. The ruins consist mainly of foundations to larger structures, though pieces of a pillar inscribed with mysterious runes were captured on camera. This photograph was then submitted to an expert for analysis: “This pictographic language belongs to no known language group that is indigenous to California,” said Emily Bruin. Bruin, who See BONES
PAGE 2
ADMISSIONS APPLICATIONS
TO INCLUDE BMI
A
dmission requirements for typical Pepperdine students in the past have been pretty standard — high school GPA
of a 4.0 or better, SAT scores in the top 10 percentile, ACT scores or a 32 or better, as well See BMI
PAGES 3/4
BENTON 2012 6
FROM 1
Student reports her ID card missing. She described it as having numbers and her picture on it. It has no meal points – we already tried. Female students suspected of illegal behavior while wearing questionable clothing and standing at the top of the HAWC stairs. Upon investigation, it was determined that they were just waiting for their party bus to formal. having a lingering hug in Joslyn plaza, creating uncomfortable and inappropriate sexual tension for passersby. The two were separated and reminded about the importance of chastity. An “earthy, smoky smell” was reported coming from a Lovernich apartment. Upon further investigation, the students were found barefoot, burning incense and playing acoustic covers with Zooey Deschanel. low Upsilon parking lot. It was determined that the sophomores had organized their own version of a Monster Truck derby. No severe casualties or injuries incurred. A student reported that another student ignored a Facebook friend request, leaving it pending for several days. The issue was resolved and the two are now “friends.” Two students were reported
PARCHED:
‘WE’RE JUST SO THIRSTY’ STUDENTS SAY
SONYA-CAN-SINGH / EXECUTIVE EDITOR IN CHIEF E.O.
Senior Jonathan Edmunds attempts to quench his thirst by turning to reclaimed water from the Joslyn Plaza fountain after the administration banned all drinks, including drinking water, from campus.
FROM 1
BURIED BONES: took one introductory linguistics course in a Midwestern junior college, is the Grunion’s resident linguistic specialist. “The partial sample seems to show a repeating phrase that was etched into the pillar by hand: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, which may mean, ‘I have a bad sinus infection so my voice sounds congested.’ Or something. I don’t know — I’m not really an expert.” Mysteriously, the excavation site was closed before the end of break, after an unidentified “health hazard” was discovered among the ruins, according to
A HAUNTING classified sources. School administrators continue to deny that such an excavation ever took place: “There is absolutely no ancient burial ground beneath the university,” said President Anthony K. Binton, in a surprise interview in his home. “How did you get in my living room?” This cover-up — aided and abetted by every school official contacted — may (allegedly) be part of a grander conspiracy, according to paranormal expert Randy O’Keefe. O’Keefe, a senior and liberal arts major, is president, vice president, treasurer and T-shirt designer of
the Society for the Detection and Appreciation of the Paranormal (S.F.T.D.A.A.O.T.P.). “It’s obviously a cover-up,” said O’Keefe. “I mean, it’s obvious isn’t it? The mysterious subterranean ruin beneath our feet has been awakened, like a temperamental baby woken from its nap. That temperamental baby is now angry with us, and it must be appeased,” he said ominously. “If we do not appease it, it will be... Unappeased. Which is, obviously, a bad thing.” Indeed.
ZERO CELEBRITY
Report by Sienna ‘Not the City in Italy’ Miller
M
ALBUS SMITH /STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Bad parking is a persistent problem on campus and contributed to the decision to ban cars completely.
(CCP) Project Manager. As consumers in a private, independent institution, students waive their rights when choosing a preferred lifestyle. Administration confirmed this now includes
modes of transportation. Last week, the Malibu City Council authorized Pepperdine’s building permits for a 1.8 mile long moving sidewalk from Payson Library to the doors of the
Report by Kayla ‘Fergie’ Ferguson
nloved Pe p p e r d i n e Seaver Academic Complex (SAC) trailer met its fate early this morning when it tumbled into the Pacific ocean. Authorities responded to a call placed by a local surfer who reported what looked like, “a sad pseudo-building heading toward the sea.” At first, authorities didn’t believe the surfer because the SAC did not make a splash as it entered the ocean. When authorities reached the scene all they could see was a long trail of debris leading back to the Pepperdine campus. Officers followed the trail all the way to Seaver Drive where the SAC used to barely stand. All that was left was the foundation of the trailer and a girl who was very upset. “I thought it was an ancient relic,” said the girl. “It looked so old it must have been sacred.” Some students reported that they had even seen the girl worship the SAC as a relic. “It’s not uncommon to see a building collapse when it’s unhappy, if you could have called this thing a building,” officer Anthony Bourdain said. “What we can’t explain is how it made it’s way to the ocean,” Bourdain concluded. “It truly seems like divine interven-
tion. The Seaver Academic Complex was not a building but a trailer. Meant to be temporary, somehow it managed to become more permanent than anyone anticipated. Many students complained of hearing constant creaking, which many believe was the actual building crying. Students also reported a bad odor that would waft through the entire trailer, side effects of the depression many believed the trailer had. Senior French major Danielle Thomas said she was not surprised by what had happened. “When you’re located between the law school and the CCB what hope do you have if you’re a mere trailer?” Thomas said. “It’s not even a part of the campus tours when prospective
CE
M AN,
students come to visit,” Thomas added. When reached for comment the administration only said, “no one had ever raised any concerns about it.” As the building sank into the
Colony’s Malibu Yogurt, CCP says the slow moving conveyor mechanism is designed to “hopas-you-go,” and will be painted in the “typical 1980s-style reinterpretation of classic Califor-
CLIENTS Dan Schnieder, a local Malibu business owner, says he has never seen nor helped a celebrity in his store. He feels it may just be a fluke that a celebrity hasn’t wandered in yet. “Or perhaps its the big camouflage net blending the store in with the landscape,” he said. Schnieder’s business, Paparazzi Paradise, sells products such as telephoto lenses, spy cameras, hats covered with leaves and twigs, as well as tracking devices one can attach to the
NARNIA:
nian and Mediterranean architecture.” “There has definitely been a lot of confusion going around the area lately,” said CVS employee Allison Drais. “I really don’t know their going to build a two-mile electronic sidewalk down all those hills. Seriously, how is that physically possible?” Additionally, DPS released a statement approving the ICCbacked Deer Observation Effort (DOE) appeal to let deer and bunnies access the moving sidewalk along with students. DPS’s physical activity nightmare culminated when the CCP’s Finance Department shot down their request to drive Segways. The DPS workforce is set to vote on using Razor
Scooters or recumbent bikes for conveyance. According to a DPS officer, both are for weirdos and will probably result in an incompetent safety system. A funicular railway mirroring 16th century Austrian transport will provide access to the Drescher campus. To offset this prehistoric tram, Campus Recreation will offer free rentals for the cutting-edge ConferenceBike, a tricycle built for seven riders. Campus Rec expects to see an increase in tandem bicycling and pedicabs. “We are going to look like a clown college,” said junior Rob Ricky. See CAR BAN
PAGE 4
E
New program already has waiting list, set to appear this fall
underside of a car. Despite the lack of celebrity clients, business is booming according to Schnieder. “Yeah, recently there’s been a huge influx of demand for one of the books I carry, ‘Paparazzis’ Guide On How To Not Get Sued,’” he said. Schnieder still remains hopeful that one day a famous face may grace the inside of his business, but until then, he’s building up secret plans on how to lure one in so that he can personally escort them out. “I can’t wait for the day to say, ‘Hey, Brangelina, this is private property. CFZ!’” Or in other words, a Celebrity-Free Zone. Report by Heather-at-Large-Manes
ocean, witnesses said they could hear something, “that sounded like French, but could have been Spanish.”
LOU / GHOST OF THE SAC
The SAC has long been known to be one of the most depressing places on campus, as Timmy Tippins expresses in the above photo. The administration plans to replace the SAC with a temporary trailer.
IP LANDS FORECLOSED PROPERTY IN
LOCAL BUSINESS OWNER HAS
CARS BANNED ON Texans may finally CAMPUS come in handy
onths following the Center for Sustainabilit y ’s formal request for a campuswide car ban, the project planning and approval process ended today as Pepperdine has enacted the smog-less policy change for the 2012-2013 year. Lobbyists and administrative officials said the fundamental goal of the modification and initiation policy was to protect students and staff from secondhand smog emissions. Efforts to bolster the university’s “green” image will veil insecurities about inadequacies in other areas. A parking lot for commuter students is set to build over the Malibu Little League baseball park. However, a parking spot with an ocean view will levy quite a burdensome fee for students, according to the Construction and Campus Planning
When asked if these lawsuits would cause the University to consider lifting the ban based on their new take on the already implemented “dry campus” policy the University responded with a definitive no. “It’s like when a student gets rushed to the hospital suffering from a severe food allergy — it’s really nothing we did wrong, you know?” said a staff member when he thought no one was listening. “Students of this caliber should be able to recognize their needs and how it compares with their surroundings and act accordingly. Remember, all of you chose to come here.” No changes have been made after a week of student outrage although attempts are still ongoing. Students expect the measure to be reversed after the first student death.
SAC FA L U
PETER PEVENSIE/ IP DIRECTOR FOR THE NEW NARNIA PROGRAM
Above, students wave at the camera with Pepperdine’s newly acquired castle property in the background. The previous owners of the castle were the Giants of Archenland, so the University is renovating it to accommodate normal human-sized humans.
ATTN HISTORY MAJORS:
Are you tired of old news? So are we. Gossip Sesh. Tonight. Elkins. Be there, or switch to accounting.
SAC classes have been canceled for the week due to the loss of the building, but the administration has assured students that they will be renting a
After the announcement, campus was abuzz with chatter regarding the great things the International Programs office told students to expect if they choose to spend time abroad in the new program. First, there’s the money saved on airfare. Entering Narnia is simple and will be done by one of three likely painless ways. Walking into Professor Sonia Sorrell’s wardrobe, jumping into that giant wooden mural near the fireplace in the Cafeteria are the first two options. The third option, for students in good academic standing with the University, involves a shuttle service run by the four Pevensie children, who are used to riding horses in Narnia but should get the hang of an automatic transmission in no time. Also, Pepperdine’s new Narnian campus is going to be huge, literally. The University is currently renovating an old castle once inhabited by the Giants of Archenland. So expect high ceilings, reinforced chairs and large eating utensils. The giants are not expected to return to claim what was once theirs, but that may be hearsay. What’s more, the campus will be just 15 minutes away from the official castle of Narnia – five minutes if you’re lucky enough to hitch a ride on Aslan, who is also running a shuttle service on the side because of the economic recession. Due to the shaky Narnian housing market, which sadly saw Mr. Tumnus’ cave repossessed, Pepperdine got the castle for a steal. Finally, students in the Narnia program will be able to dive
trailer to replace the SAC until a more permanent trailer can be accommodated. No discussions for a more permanent solution have taken place. In fact, there are no plans to plan a discussion for the matter. “We feel a trailer should be sufficient for now,” President Binton wrote in a press release.
NO SPLASH
S
press release continued. “It is es simply cannot be allowed on common knowledge that grapes a campus as strict as this one.” can be fermented to make wine, Because Jamba Juice is a stuand for that reason all fruit juic- dent favorite, a large sit-in took place in the Sandbar Jamba Juice last Thursday. Ironically, extreme dehydration quieted their cries and the majority of the sit-in was forced off campus in search of any life-saving beverage. The university is now being slammed with multiple lawsuits as a result of a large number of students being hospitalized due to dehydration. When asked for a comment the University was elusive, but did point out that the Pepperdine campus is next to an ocean, so the excuses for dehydration are minimal at best. Although this comment temporarily subdued the masses, this argument is not expected to hold up in court because it is also common knowledge that if you drink only sea water, you die.
Grunion c3
AK
The press release had a coffee stain on it, which was just hurtful. “It has been brought to our knowledge that carbonated beverages make the effects of alcohol more potent,” the press release continued. “Although we have not experimented to determine the validity of this claim we feel it is our duty as the most strict and conservative university in the Universe to make sure students do not have access to any beverage that could aid in any sort of satanic behavior.” When asked what other satanic behavior might take place as a result of alcohol consumption the University declined comment, saying Pepperdine students couldn’t possibly know about any of them and it was against Pepperdine’s religious convictions to accidently or purposely place such an idea in the minds of such innocent students. “To further prove our intention of making sure no student EVER becomes inebriated, we have also removed all fruit juices from food services outlets,” the
News
April 5, 2012
LS I N T O O
Student followed after reportedly not waving back to campus gate security guard. After interrogation, it was determined she was “not having a good day,” like that’s possible. Raccoon reported in dumpsters on Upper Dorm Road. Upon further investigation, it was determined to be a just another Peeping Tom. Several Range Rovers were found rolled on their sides be-
Grunion c2
FROM 1
News
April 5, 2012
Report by Edgar ‘Meow’ Hernandez
>FROM 1
BMI NEWEST BENCHMARK for INCOMING FRESHMEN as strict consideration of a family’s financial status, the type of car a prospective student drives, religious affiliation, service experience, travel history, family connections to the one percent, sexual orientation, ability to parallel park on a hill, passion for surfing and other common and entirely non-discriminatory questions. Recently, a new admission requirement has been added to the list and it has some prospective students in an uproar. The new requirement is a student’s BMI, better known as “Body Mass Index.” Upon submitting an application all prospective students must submit their BMI, as well as easily identifiable photographic evidence from a doctor’s office stating current height and weight. “We really think this new
admission standard will help enhance our University,” says President Anthony K. Binton. “In the past we have been ranked as one of the nation’s douchiest universities and we feel that by making students more aware of their physical appearance we will be better able to avoid rankings like this in the future.” Some parents have expressed disagreement with this new requirement, saying it is an unfair discrimination against those who weren’t lucky to be born with a BMI under 10. Pepperdine disagrees. “As a private university we have the right to institute any policy we feel necessary and this was a unanimous decision among the administration,”
into the local culture and have the option of doing a home stay with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver. Students who wish to live with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver will spend one to three months underground in a tiny house and learn everything from sowing to defending themselves from dwarves. A waiver will be signed prior to living in the dam. With its ease of access, beau-
tiful campus, and the almost endless amount of activities, the Narnia Program is expected to receive the most applications in its inaugural year. If you are not accepted into the program, consider the next best thing, the C.S. Lewis program in plain old real England.
See BMI
PAGE 4
Report by Sonya-can-Singh & Drew ‘Edward Cullen’ Cullinan
News
April 5, 2012 FROM 2
HEALTHIFY CAMPUS
Binton continued. “It is very difficult to be a top-tier university when your students don’t have the physical capability of upholding that distinction.” Members of the Pepperdine health center have also expressed a gratitude for this new admission requirement saying that people with a BMI over 10 are at a serious risk of injury upon entering the campus. Isn’t that wildly unhealthy? Isn’t BMI a flawed measure, we ask? “Let’s not bore ourselves with technicalities. I mean, have you seen how many stairs are on this campus?” asked Gary Green, MD, Board Certified Internist and Sports Medicine Specialist. “This campus is simply not meant for people that are not either very physically fit or skinny enough that they can pretend to be. Yeah, that’s right — skinny people aren’t automatically healthy. Sometimes they’re less healthy than heavier people. I really shouldn’t be telling you all this.” Pepperdine has nearly 4,500 stairs, not a single one of which is avoidable. At Pepperdine, you don’t have to be sure all that glitters is gold to end up with a “Stairway to Heaven.” Freshmen are expected to climb the nearly 276 stairs on their way to the Center for Communication and Business for speech class. Convocation is also a requirement and nearly 400 stairs must be climbed when students de-
HEATHER-AT-LARGE-MANES/ EXECUTIVE & ONLY PAGE DESIGNER
Prospective students now must include their BMI stats on their applications so as to prevent students, such as Leticia Thornburn (pictured above) who are unfit for the campus geography, be admitted to the University.
part from Firestone Fieldhouse. Many faculty members feel that unfit students will simply not be able to climb the stairs in a timely manner, causing them to be late to both Wednesday afternoon classes and classes held in the CCB, creating a serious disruption to the learning environment. The University also has a limited amount of money it can use to support student trips the cost-friendly Health Center, which the University has been kind enough to subsidize. However, recent budget cuts have the University tightening
its belt (pun totally intended) and the Health Center is likely the first to be affected. “We have had a somewhat alarming number of students that have come to the Health Center with minor injuries such as pulled hamstrings, calf cramping, asthma attacks,” Green continued. “Situations like these are entirely avoidable and the repeated nature of these visits is becoming expensive for the University. The new admission requirement will allow us to focus our attention on more urgent matters such as STDs and eating disorders, as well as
save the University money for more important investments, like palm trees.” In an effort to promote health, the University has pledged to build more stairs whenever possible. The new admission requirement is expected to go into effect for the incoming class of 2017. Pepperdine administration asks that all further complaints about this admission standard be stifled. Any prospective student that fails to submit their BMI by the application deadline will be immediately rejected. Report by
Kayla ‘Fergie’ Ferguson
>FROM 2
The Assistant Executive Vice President of the Department Head of the CCP is pleased with the ban but acknowledges that there remains the glitterati of Malibu who will continue to drive cars. “I would cough and make a bad face whenever a car would pass me by on Seaver Drive, but no one would ever pay attention to my health concerns,” Kendra Adams, head of the Undergraduate Vehicle Task Comittee Force, wrote in an email. The head of the committee admitted that the vehicles were also becoming an eyesore to the community, as an increase in student-owned Honda Civic models nearly obliterated the population of G-Wagons and A5s in Rho Parking Lot last fall. She illustrated the widespread frustration that occurred when the parking lot’s luxury vehicle stockpile became contaminated with more a “fugly” collection of fuel-efficient sedans. “What the f---,” said a mem-
ber of one student-led comedy “show” that the reporter neglected to remember the name of. “That is honestly the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.” The student then attempted to use a humorous pun when explaining the “exhaust-ive” nature of the policy but failed to garner any laughs. He did not receive any ‘likes’ from the Facebook status posted right after. The University’s rental car deal with Connect by Hertz was also severed this week. “That didn’t have anything to do with the car ban; that was just a superfluous resource everyone agreed had to go,” President Binton said. Report by Mariella ‘Champ’ Rudi
COLLEGE
STUDENTS
‘AREN’T REALLY VERY MUCH ALL THAT ELOQUENT’
GREAT BOOKS ACCORDING TO RENOVATES O NEW STUDY ANTIQUATED CURRICULUM
T
he book scene at Seaver is about to change. First, the English Department recently announced that Great Books curriculum is undergoing major overhaul this summer to include more selections from Oprah’s Book Club, particularly anything authored by Bill Cosby. “We’ve got Socrates, we’ve got Kierkegaard, we’ve got Freud and Dostoevsky, blah blah all the ‘classics,’ but what we’re missing is clearly Ms. Winfrey’s favorites,” said Dr. Jon James, English Department chair. “And who doesn’t want to throw on an ugly sweater, eat some Jell-O and read something by Dr. Huxtable himself ?” Additionally, the next time you toss aside one of those books to watch TV, you may be tossing that silly thing away in
favor of homework. The English Department sent a mass email to its students yesterday, informing them that viewing one season of British costume drama “Downton Abbey” will, in the eyes of faculty, now be considered no different than reading one novel. “If you honestly think about it, the two experiences are more or less the same,” James said. “Firstly, there are British accents, which, as we all know, sound super academic by default. There are elaborate costumes, and period pieces are almost always intense enough that you really have to pay attention, or you miss points in the plot and have to go back, just like a book. I’m exhausted at the end of any PBS ‘Masterpiece Classic.’ And ‘Lost,’ still. I mean, who is Jacob, really?” He also praised Hampshire’s
Highclere Castle, the interior and exterior shoot location for the show, for its historical-looking architecture. “It looks like a place where you sit around with furrowed brows, discussing important things like your place in a crumbling aristocracy,” James said. “I mean, don’t tell anyone I said this, but books shmooks. Everything is going digital. So, by watching the saga of the Crawley family unfold, it’s like we’re looking at books without all those tiring words to weigh us down.” However, the email also said that if a student is caught pronouncing it “Downtown Abbey,” the privilege will be revoked immediately and Charles Dickens’ “Bleak House” will be assigned instead. Report by Sonya -can-Singh
LIVING ENDOWMENT
ACTUALLY ALIVE, ATTACKS UNSUSPECTING DEER any students pass its placard on a daily basis, yet few stop to think about it. After years of speculation, it has been confirmed that the Living Endowment is, in fact, alive. It reemerged from the depths of the library yesterday to feed off wild deer. Freshman Timmy Tippins called DPS late last night when he said he could hear the sound
M
of coins rattling accompanied by someone growling, “Augh, I so hungry.” When Tippins looked out his window he couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw a deer laying motionless on the ground, covered in coins. DPS officers initially reported that they thought the heir to the endowment has returned to Pepperdine and that he or she had set the creature loose, but
later retracted the statement after a passerby suggested their theory was more so a knockoff of a literary plot line than based on actual fact. However, DPS did confirm that the Endowment feeds off of deer blood and meat when alumni donations are low. The Endowment escaped
See ENDOWMENT
PAGE 6
ver the past few weeks, Pepperdine has sneakily played host to the National Association for the Advancement of Collegiate Communication Practices (N Double-A Double-C P). The N Double-A Double-C P obtained permission from the University last month to anonymously record conversations around campus in order to better understand what college students are talking about and why.
“Mission LOL,” the N Double-A Double-C P’s latest initiative, sends researchers to visit college campuses and record conversations in order to gain intel to help college students graduate with more eloquent vocabularies. Joe P. Elican, a researcher for Mission LOL, has been stalking campus for the last two
weeks and created a word cloud to best describe what is most talked about on Pepperdine’s campus. Elican concluded that Pepperdine students ‘aren’t really very much all that eloquent,’ which is a trend Elican has observed across many campuses. Report by Heather-at-Large-Manes
Totes Adorbs Daddy?
What time does the
Just saw shuttle come again? Pink at Pavilions!
[BIBLE QUOTE]
SICK I mean
YOLO
BU
NBD
Caf food sucks Facetime?
#HASHTAG FOR Pepperdine girl problems
SURE
I AM SO BLESSED
When I was in class, I saw on Facebook...
First world problems
Remember when we were in Europe and... I have, like, no convo
Study sesh? Ugh, my iPhone really sucks
I hate stairs
Do you have any meal points?
Are you on Draw Something?
I’m SOO tired today
Please support my nonprofit
It took me, like, an hour to find parking
Starbs Literallywinning The View
I totally made up a whole story about my life to an unsuspecting old lady on Words with Friends.
senioritis
Hey, did you see that article in the Graphic?
Obvi(ously)
That was due today?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
You’re so hipster
COURTESY OF JOE P. ELICAN /N DOUBLE -A DOUBLE-C P RESEARCHER
Above is a word cloud created according to most frequently used phrases and words around campus. The N Double-A Double-C P hired a researcher to anonymously record conversations around campus over the last two weeks.
Life & Leisure
April 5, 2012
CAR BAN
SOMEWHAT IRKS STUDENTS
BMI TO
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CULINARY
EXCLUSIVE
F
BIBLICAL PLAGUES RUMORED TO HIT CAMPUS THIS WEEK
May be due to administration’s refusal to cancel classes on Good Friday
T
oday as swarms of fruit flies overtook the Malibu campus, fears escalated that the University has been on the receiving end of divine punishment. The flies, escaped from the genetics lab, are the fourth in a series of what is predicted to be 10 plagues. Since Monday, the campus has been visited by daily curses mirroring those brought upon the ancient Egyptians in Exodus. Suspicions first arose when blood spurted forth from the ground as the sprinkler system activated Monday night. Thousands of frogs encroached on the campus early Tuesday morning, hopping up from the Stinkies and bringing the characteristic stench with them. When freshmen awoke to find their beds crawling with bedbugs Wednesday, the pattern had become unmistakable. “It’s clear that Pepperdine has angered the Almighty and brought judgment upon itself,” said the Religion Division in a statement issued yesterday afternoon. “We believe it may be related to the administration’s refusal to cancel classes forGood Friday.” With all prophets refusing to comment until the day of Pentecost, speculation about pestilence to come has run wild.
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“Tomorrow we can expect to see all the campus deer and raccoons knocked out, and after that I’d guess a lot of students are going to wake up to some serious acne,” said Communication Division Chair and plague enthusiast Ken Waters, alluding to the biblical plagues of livestock death and boils. However, the deer population is dwindling as it is, as students have been capturing the animals to use as sacrifices in hopes of appeasing the Omnipotent. All male firstborn children are advised to leave Los Angeles County before next Tuesday. Report by Aubrey ‘Not Audrey’ Hoeppner
or this week’s culinary corner, we’re going to take a dive into the age-old tradition of fine collegiate dining. That’s right, it’s time for Ramen. In the high spires of the ivory towers of academia, the intelligentsia can sometimes get carried away with their own ideas, and unfortunately forget to eat. Luckily, there exists a delicious, sumptuous and nutritious meal that only takes three minutes to make, so it interferes as little as possible with all the reading and writing college students are always hard at work doing. From whence did this extraordinary culinary concoction appear, you ask? From the land of ingenuity: Japan. Yes, those same technological wizards who managed to put your music in your pocket took a break from teaching robot cats to dance and engineered a way to compress all the delectable experiences of eating their favorite noodle dish into a single Styrofoam cup. The first hazard is the remov-
al of the surrounding plastic wrap. This must be done carefully, so as not to accidentally puncture the Styrofoam, which will give an escape route for all the tasty goodness to abandon you. Once the plastic has been removed, you must determine whether you want to use preheated water or co-heat your water, and your noodles. Coheating requires use of a finelytuned microwave oven. Some chefs prefer this method, as it is easier for those without stoves or electric pots and those with more refined tastes claim to enjoy the certain piquant aroma of radiation emanating from their dinner. I however, am a purist, and will be boiling my water separately due to my strict adherence to the classic recipe. Boiling takes some time, so while your water is approaching the appropriate heat levels, you must carefully peel back the top covering. This is a tricky venture, as any wrong move will rip the paper. Now, pour the boiling water into the cup until it the level
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a p p ro ac h e s the top and the peas and carrots float on the top. When you get to that point, cover it with a plate and let it sit for three minutes. W h e n you’re hungry and the best meal of your life isn’t ready yet, three minutes can feel like a lifetime. You’re anxious. You start to sweat. You start to suspect inter-dimensional aliens have used their evil technology to slow down the very fabric of time and space to keep you from your prize. Of course, at this point you snap back to reality and peel the paper lid off, grab a fork and take it to the table. Bon apetit! Report by Ian ‘Old’ MacDonald
BUDGET CUTS FORCE
COUNSELING CENTER CLOSURE Students tell problems to George Pepperdine statue
FEATURE: COUPLE READS HANDBOOK,
ABSTAINS FROM SEX
P
epperdine’s policy on sexual relationships has again successfully thwarted the pre-marital sexual dalliances of a junior couple. Chastity and Richard have been dating for two months. On Friday night at 11:26 p.m., the couple was engaged in some mostly-clothed heavy petting, when they had the good sense to check the student handbook first. “Actually, we kind of bumped it off the dresser when we were going at it, and it opened to the page where it says you can’t have sex,” explained Chastity. “Thankfully Pepperdine has a policy against sexual activity, otherwise we could have ended up in a really compromising situation.” she added. The policy reads, “Pepperdine University affirms that sexual relationships are designed by God to be expressed solely within a marriage between husband and wife.”
SONYA-CAN-SINGH/ EXECUTIVE EDITOR IN CHIEF E.O.
Freshman Joseph Tripianini used to go to the Counseling Center every week, but since its closure he has been forced to tell all his problems, the latest being his inability to do laundry, to the George Pepperdine statue.
The couple is not married. Chastity’s roommate was especially grateful for the policy. “I mean, if Pepperdine didn’t have such a good and effective policy, I could have been ‘sexiled.’ I’m so blessed that the policy writers had the foresight to save me that awkwardness.” However, the couple plans to marry soon. “We’ll probably have sex after that,” Richard explained. “Off campus, of course.” Report by Lindsay ‘LJ’ Jakows
VALUABLE ARTIFACTS THOUGHT TO BE LOST FOREVER FOUND IN PROFESSOR SONIA SORRELL’S OFFICE
When the door to Professor Sonia Sorrell’s office was left open, a student peered inside and found an impressive collection of famous artifacts and items that the world thought was gone forever. DPS is reporting the list of items to include:
• • • • • • •
The Heart of the Ocean A map of Atlantis That 18 minutes of the Watergate tape Amelia Earhart The Holy Grail A couple sets of car keys The Pepperdine football team
• •
A remote control Charlie Sheen’s medication. They also reported finding something that looked like a doorway into Narnia. Report by Sonya-can-Singh
Mindy Lemingstone staff columnist
I understand Tanner’s appendix just burst, but I need to photograph this Sunset Blessed. What else can I say? I don’t know exactly why God loves me more than everyone else, but to think that I get this view, nightly, for a measly $52,000 a year is amazing. I mean, just look at how the ripples of the Pacific Ocean refract the orange from the falling sun. It’s majestic, and it’s also why— though Tanner’s sobbing in the back seat with the contents of a ruptured appendix floating around his body—we need to pull this car over and take a picture of this sunset. Does anyone take a real science class? I’m in nutrition. I swear today has to be some sort of cosmic holiday because I’ve never seen the sun that close before. Should I Instagram it or use Camera+? They’re essentially the same app but I don’t want people judging me if I tweet straight from one of their interfaces. Can someone tell Tanner to muffle his screams for just two seconds so I can snap this photo? Urgent Care is obviously closed, and the ER’s 30 minutes away, so what’s five minutes more? He’s biting an old rag to distract him from the pain now, but when I show him this photo (with sepia filter) he’ll completely understand. In fact, he’d kill me if I didn’t take it. I think I ought to frametastic this so people can get the visual of the sun descending out of the sky. The others just don’t do it justice. Can you stop reading Tanner his last rites? It’s tacky, and far from necessary. If we could just move him to the back for like 10 minutes while I take shutter shots from the sunroof that should do the trick. He may be experiencing circulatory shock right now, but I’m experiencing “God Has Blessed Me So Darn Much” Shock—and I think it’s much more powerful. Fine, we can go to the hospital now. I’m just worried 41 photos isn’t enough. What if I want to turn this sunset into a flipbook someday? What will my sorority sisters think? Just try slapping his face if he’s unresponsive. I just know I should’ve taken at least 43. I don’t think we’ll ever see another sunset like that again, and my followers need to know what they just missed, especially all my old friends going to college in the Midwest. Ok ya’ll can just roll up to the ER doors, but I’m staying in the car. Tell Tanner I’ll email him the photo. Tweeting now. Wait — before you go — what should the hashtag be? #Blessed? Or #Appendicitis?
Hor o c p s s o e TAURUS: Carry a Walkman, instead of an iPod. Say you’re sticking it to the Man as you push down the buttons.
GEMINI: Make Jiffy Pop in the Caf fireplace. Don’t share. Don’t answer questions.
LEO: Walk around campus growling. Ask for money and say you’re the Living Endowment.
CANCER: Take a Convo scanner to CVS and pretend you’re registering for your wedding.
LIBRA: You’ll meet someone named Jack. Never let go. Never.
VIRGO: Silently hand your professor a pack of breath mints and walk away.
SCORPIO: Take the training wheels off your bike. It’s time.
SAGITTARIUS: Improv a tour to a prospective freshmen. Say King Midas accidentally brushed George mid-conversation. Hence the statue.
AQUARIUS: Watch your wallet. Leo’s hungry.
CAPRICORN: Go around campus parallel parking. You need the practice.
MARCH 21-APRIL 19 | ARIES: Show up to baseball practice like you’ve been a part of the team the whole time. Ask ‘where is third base?’ Steal it.
PISCES: A Libra will latch onto you this week, literally. She’ll say her name is Rose. Go with it.
other stuff
April 5, 2012
ENDOWMENT: ‘PAY UP OR THE DEER GETS IT’
>FROM 4
because it was hungry and neglected, authorities said. Landskeeper Rubio Hagreed, who is in charge of feeding the Endowment synthetic deer meat during rough economic times, is out this week at Cair Paravel, getting Pepperdine’s newly acquired estate ready for the fall semester. DPS officers led the Living Endowment back to its home under the library by luring it
with the smell of synthetic deer blood. A DPS officer who chose to remain anonymous because of the impending investigation said that it was not the first time that the Living Endowment escaped from the library; however, it was the first time that it had turned violent and attacked a deer. “We’ve had to track it down before, but it had never hurt anyone or anything before,” the officer said. “He’s usually pretty
US RETURNS LOUISIANA PURCHASE The United States government has decided to return the Louisiana Purchase to France in hopes of settling some debts. Through the Louisiana Purchase, the U.S. obtained 828,000 square miles in 1803. Back in the day, the U.S. paid 60 million francs ($11,250,000) plus the cancellation of 18 million francs in debts. That totaled 15 million dollars for the Louisiana territory (about 233 million dollars in today’s currency). This means that the states of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska, along with parts of Minnesota (west of the Mississippi), most of North Dakota, nearly all of South Dakota, north New Mexico, Northern Texas, the portions of Montana, Wyoming Colorado east of the Continental Divide and Louisiana west of the Mississippi River (including the city of New Orleans) will be returned to the French. French will promptly become the official language of the land. Allegedly, L’Oklahoma is already in talks to have its own Eiffel tower and Le Nebraska is looking to create their own Luxembourg Garden. On his tour of New Orleans, French President Nicolas Sarkozy expressed delight that “le quartier français sera de nouveau le quartier français!”
U.S. officials have admitted that the money the U.S. will receive from France will only make a small dent on the debt amounted over the years, but that the money is necessary for the forthcoming invasion of Iran. As the U.S. looks to generate more money in this tough economy, other options are being explored. One thing the government has ruled out is giving up Alaska. “Alaska is too valuable for the U.S. to lose. We need to keep an eye on the Russians,” said a U.S. government official. Another option that is being pushed by Congress is the return of the land acquired during the Mexican Cession in 1848. This would return parts of New Mexico and Arizona, and the entire states of Utah, Nevada y California to Mexico. El Mexican government esta happy con la decision of the estados unidos government to devolver the land. El gobierno de los Estados Unidos piensa que esto lo ayudara aun mas a salir de su deuda y financiar sus guerras. En cuanto al estado de Tejas, Mexico ha declarado no querer el estado. Similarmente el gobierno de los Estados Unidos ha declarado tampoco querer el estado. Report by
harmless. Rubio’s only been bit a few times over the years.” On previous occasions, the Endowment had been found in the sewers, in the Theme Tower and in shady corners near ATMs. When reached for comment the administration encouraged students and alumni to donate money to avoid this problem in the future.
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WANTED
• For attempted robbery, slander, assault, grand theft auto and tax evasion. • Answers to the name ‘Friedrich.’
• Last seen buying cigarettes at local Ralphs. • Easily distracted by Hot Pockets.
HELP KEEP MALIBU SAFE! If you see anything suspicious, call the Malibu Animal Control Office, Special Operations Unit for Unruly Deer at (310) 457-3745 for instructions on how to keep it occupied until the Animal Control Special Ops unit arrives.
Report by Edgar ‘Meow’ Hernandez & Heather-at-large-Manes
AKB
PAID FOR BY UNIVERSITY MINISTRIES
for
P
20 12
Edgar ‘Meow’ Hernandez & Ian ‘Old’ MacDonald
THE GRUNION is published by
THE GRAPHIC
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SHAMELESS PLUG Like what you see? Be a part of the magic.
Stop by CCB 143 (the newsroom) to pick up your application to be a part of next semester’s Graphic staff. Applications due by April 13.
GRUNION STAFF Sonya Singh
Heather Manes
Kayla Ferguson
Edgar Hernandez
Executive Editor in Chief E.O., Director of Ideology & Content, Head Writer, Co-Manager of Miscellaneous Open Spaces, Resident Beatles Enthusiast, “30 Rock” Addict, Intern, Janitor, Happy to Headline, 4 8 15 16 23 42, English English speaker, Chips & Salsa Executive, Tea expert, Typography admirer BMI and Dry Campus Expert, Staff Writer, local kitten owner
Alexa Stockzo
Forensic Scientist, VIP photographer, General VIP, PhD in Sheep
Ian MacDonald
Freelance Chef, Tweeter,That Farmer We’ve Been Singing About, Staff Writer
Nikki Torriente
Stair model, “Tron” aficionado, Slytherin
Lindsay Jakows
Executive & Only Page Designer, In-House Daily Prophet Expert, Assistant Director of Ideology & Content, Co-Manager of Miscellaneous Open Spaces, Typography Guru, Photoshop Fanatic, At-Large-in-Chief, Director of Headlines, Second in Command Editor/Writer, Coffee Expert, M.A. Head SAC Renovation Advocate, The Growl Behind Living Endowment, likes to meow & make questionable jokes, Staff Writer
Aubrey Hoeppner
Advocate for ‘Free Good Friday’ initiative, Oxford Comma & En-Dash Catcher, #1 AP Stylebook Fan, Staff Writer
Jonathan Edmundson
Far Too Willing Model, another “Tron” Aficionado, Hufflepuff, aspires to own pet fox
Mariella Rudi
Chief Student Handbook Knower, Staff Writer
Direct Consultant of On-Campus Car Policies,Underwater Basket Weaver, Moonlight Pharmacist, Staff Writer
Madison Leonard
Drew Cullinan
DPS Consultant, Xanadu Star, proud owner of overalls, Staff Writer
Sienna Miller
Chumash Indian Relic Commentator, Apolitical Apocalyptic Politician, Staff Writer
Fountain of Ideas, Narnian, Staff Writer
Prospective Student
Excellent Photographer on a Whim, future psychology major after meeting us, probably not at Pepperdine
Special thanks to: Elizabeth Smith, Courtenay Stallings, Graphic Staff, Frank, AKB and You.