Metro Spirit 12.22.2011 by Metro Spirit

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whine line - TOM TOMORROW - INSIDER - AUSTIN RHODES metro - NY TIMES CROSSWORD - RUFFIN’ IT - AUGUSTA TEK - FEATURE are you not entertained - CALENDAR - SIGHTINGS the8 - ASTROLOGY slab - IN MUSIC - BALL - AMY ALKON: ADVICE GODDESS - JENNY IS WRIGHT

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Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

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1355 Independence Drive • Augusta, Georgia 30901 (706) 823-8504 • Toll Free 1-866-4-WALTON • www.wrh.org

METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

WHINELINE At what time is it okay for a richmond county deputy to rough up a person and threaten to manhandle bystanders if they don’t shut the hell ups... The Metro Spirit website is now useless. It contains no articles. Who thought this move was smart? Advertisers want their advertisements to be seen as many times as possible. I can’t get a paper copy of the Spirit every week, but I used to be able to get it online anytime I wanted. Repair the Spirit web site! Just want to rave about that “Greatest Loser “ weight loss program. I lost 215 lbs, which is amazing, considering that I only weighed 210 lbs. to start with. Now I won’t have to shower any more and the bill collector can’t find me, but boy, am I hungry. A RANT to the Richmond County Board of Education (RCBOE) for increasing the legal fees paid to its attorney by $93K over three years from FY2008 through FY2011 while furloughing teachers and other staff over the same period. Intollerant people started this country. Tollerance is ruining it. Is there any way to make the Metro Spirit website functional again. I really miss the digital version of the paper. The website now has no content. I had to make a comment about the local music scene. what is the mindset of our local music scene. We have cliques,wannabee musicians with big egos that believe they are a legend in their own mind and never played anywhere outside of augusta. Then you also have these posers who steal other musicians/bands ideas. Why are these

METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

twits so JEALOUS of the real bands that you hear playing downtown and around town. These people dont represent what I think are the talented bands in Augusta, and believe me, we have some great ones here that are just fixing to get their time to shine. Dear Mark Lorah: You note that downtown is improving, and you enjoy conducting business in District 1. But when it comes to being affiliated with those who are looking to “get from the government”, well frankly it seems that just doesn’t sit too well with you. How do you think that downtown is improving? District 1 pioneers and long time residents who believe in the beauty of downtown pump money into our county’s economy and are not looking for anything from the government. So before you ride the high horse and look down your nose and accuse AN ENTIRE DISTRICT of looking for a government handout, please reconsider your verbiage and limit your comments to that which you are sure of. A local company is the title sponsor of the Taxslayer Gator Bowl and the local media is all over the story. NOT! 1. JULIANA KEY DID NOT TRY TO INFLUENCE A WITNESS 2. JULIANA KEY IS NOT DOCK NORMAN’S GIRL FRIEND...SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN WITH 2 SMALL CHILDREN 3. MISCONSTRUED FACTS ARE RUINING AN INNOCENT PERSON’S LIFE ... 4. Dock Norman is the one that needs to be under fire!! 5. Juliana & her husband would NEVER befriend a child molester... Dock Norman conived his way into their lives as a man of good character ... they NEVER knew his dark side

6. My heart goes out to Juliana Key & her family. May God bless them. The truth WILL set her free!! 7. JULIANA is guilty of no more than having a kind heart. 8. STOP THE MALICIOUS GOSSIP!! When stating Juliana Key is Dock Norman’s “girlfriend”... you are ABSOLUTELY incorrect! You need to get your facts straight before posting such nonsense! She is a HAPPILY married woman... Dock was a long-time friend of her husband’s... she is one of the sweetest people I have ever known. She has a really big heart and is always willing to help people... THIS is how she ended up in this mess (by being so trusting). Dock asked her to get an address for him... she was unaware that she was doing anything wrong. She has a perfectly clean record and has NEVER been in any kind of trouble in her life. I just really hope and pray that

the TRUTH will come out and Juliana will finally be shown for the wonderful person that she actually is. - I just ask ONE thing of you (Metro Spirit): WHEN ALL OF THIS IS SAID AND DONE, PLEASE POST AN ‘UPDATE’ AND STATE THE TRUTH ABOUT JULIANA... DON’T JUST LEAVE HER NAME IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. Note from the Metro Spirit: The Metro Spirit has not written any stories about the case against Landon “Dock” Norman, a Grovetown resident who was charged in October with aggravated child molestation, enticing a child for indecent purposes and five counts of electronically furnishing obscene materials to a minor. On Monday, December 12, Norman was also charged with influencing a witness. That same day, Juliana Erin Key was also charged with influencing a witness with regard to the same case.

up THUMBS

“Southpark”’s Kim Jong Il “tribute,” which is surely in the works as we speak.

down THUMBS

Really, CNN crawl? “Britney Spear engaged, changes Facebook status” is the best you got?

V. 22 | NO. 69

WHINELINE@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

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G R E U B E L M M A . C O M

METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

INSIDER

Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

Silenced Gavel

Controversial judge resigns in the midst of ethics investigation Judge Amanda Williams, the subject of a well-known episode of NPR’s “This American Life” and one of the stories host Ira Glass chose to talk about during his sold out Westobou appearance last October at ASU, announced Tuesday that she’ll resign from the bench January 2. Williams’ resignation means that the ethics charges brought against her by Georgia’s Judicial Qualifications Commission will be dropped. According to “This American Life’”’s webpage, the Judicial Qualifications Commission added two more charges in November, one accusing Judge Williams of allowing her lawyer in the case to represent litigants in cases she was still presiding over from the bench. The second accused her of putting a man into drug court because she was asked to by his uncle, an attorney, despite the fact that there were no drug charges against him. When questioned by a drug court staffer, Williams replied: “Jim Bishop has been there for me for years and years and years. He has never asked me for anything, ever, in the entire time I have been on the bench, to use my power in any case to do anything for anybody and he’s asked me to do this… and it’s that damn simple.” Later, according to the charge, she acknowledged that she knew she was

doing the wrong thing. While the resignation keeps her safe from the 14 ethics charges, she can still face criminal charges. Glass, who has been credited with shining the light on Williams’ judicial

misdeeds, will undoubtedly be keeping his listeners updated with the latest. Given the power of public radio, we doubt he’ll allow her to bow out without consequences.

“This American Life” is produced by WBEZ Chicago PublicRadio, and distributed by Public Radio International. Download podcast of the program at npr.org.w

the official breath test at the jail, you’re booked, fingerprinted and placed in a cell. According to the traffic that night, you can count on being in the pokey anywhere from two hours to many more.

To get the eff out you have to have someone come down with a cash bond, a property bond or you can call your favorite bail bondsman.

Don’t Be Stupid

Call the cops before they catch you this New Year’s Eve This New Year’s Eve there will be an additional 60 or so po po on the road between Richmond and Columbia County. According to Sheriff Whittle in Columbia County, the Georgia State Patrol usually gets in on the act as well, setting up checkpoints at random intersections for an hour or so, then moving to the next one. Whittle expects around 20 or so DUI arrests in Columbia County alone, which is actually down significantly from years past. Richmond County Sheriff Ronnie Strength feels the designated driver message has really begun to work, and he says the consequences of arrest have become so severe it has scared many

people to stay home. The proof is the parked cars left at empty bars all over town. He sees that as a very positive sign. In Columbia County, if you feel you have had too much to drink and cannot find a ride home, call Columbia County dispatch and they will find one for you. If that isn’t successful, the sheriff says he will send a patrol car to pick you up and drop you safely at home. Not bad, huh? If you are arrested, be prepared for a long night. Your car will be towed and impounded if there isn’t someone riding with you that is safe to drive. If that is the case, you’re a dumbass. But at least your car won’t be impounded. After

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METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

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INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

A DJ with a Vue

Changes predicted at local nightclub Will it ever end? It seems the Metro Spirit has tapped a well, unleashing a gusher of disgruntled people angry at Vue manager Robert Rampulla. First it was the Terror Town teens, then a neighboring bar owner. Now, a former employee of the Vue nightclub is accusing Rampulla of running the business into the ground with his management style. He says Rampulla appears to be looking out for the quick dollar at the expense of the long-term interests of the club. It’s so bad, this former employee claims, that owner Robbie Finiguerra has told him and a few select employees that he’s planning to shut it down after the

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New Year’s Eve party. This comes, he also claims, after Finiguerra reportedly installed cameras in September after realizing he was missing money. The former DJ maintains he’s noticed things going downhill on many fronts, but most specifically in terms of security, especially since the all you can drink specials started gaining popularity with the wrong crowd. “It’s not the same crowd that used to come,” he says. “The MCG crowd, the ASU crowd… they stay away because they don’t like what it’s become.” While the statement is directly associated with the so-called urban nights, he notes that it’s not a race thing,

but an all-you-can-drink thing. “Thugs are thugs,” he says. “I don’t care who you are, but thugs in the most exclusive shopping center in Augusta… maybe mall management has pulled the plug.” Having watched the deterioration of what was once one of Augusta’s premier nightclub firsthand, he alleges that Rampulla, known as a numbers man, started neglecting the bar business in favor of cash at the door, something some observers recognize as a point of no return. “It seems like he’s trying to bring in as much short-term money as he can and neglect the long-term effects of what he’s

doing,” he says. Since Finiguerra is up north and the law enforcement issues have been relatively minor, that’s been easy to do, he says. Additionally, the former employee accused Rampulla of being more involved in the Terror Town haunted house Paygate scandal than most have reported. He says he personally heard Rampulla discussing the haunted house long before apparent moneyman Jimmy Collier brought his Vegas bankroll to the project. “What used to be important just isn’t important anymore,” he says.

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METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

AUSTINRHODES

The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

Questions Theoretically Answered in Dean Case It will be late January before Scott Dean is sentenced on charges he molested one of his adopted daughters. Jurors took almost a day deliberating the case that shook up Columbia County politics, and brought the public career of the former Harlem mayor and Columbia County commissioner to a permanent halt. There has been much speculated concerning the bizarre case, and an awful lot of that has been complained about by Dean supporters who wondered if “the fix was in” to convict. The only thing louder than those cries were screams from the people convinced that Dean’s powerful friends would gather around and protect the fallen angel with an fondness for chemical hair treatments. In other words, they thought “the fix was in” to acquit. Both groups were wrong. There were several major questions/ issues that came up both before and during the proceedings that most media coverage did not pick up on very well. The West Virginia Case. There was almost universal skepticism from everyone who heard about these women, until the

accusers actually showed up and told their story. Under oath, testimony was given that Dean, at the age of 14, was caught fondling two 12-year-old sisters as they slept while on a vacation trip. Dean testified that this event was innocent, and nothing more than his first consensual sexual experience. The victims maintain the contact was in no way innocent, solicited or welcome. They complained to their parents at the time, who in turn confronted Dean’s parents. Regardless of the fact that law enforcement was not brought into the case at the time, it was pretty clear something happened here. The victims came forward to testify in this case after one of them was volunteering with a child advocacy group in their hometown (out of state), and decided to Google the name of her accused molester. Imagine her surprise when she saw he was again accused of child molestation. She contacted local authorities immediately, and became a huge part of the case. Marlin Dean Changes Her Story. Many may have forgotten that this entire mess

became a criminal case because of the accusations from Dean’s eldest adopted daughter, Marlin, who had been engaging in a very adult affair with a Mexican illegal alien and ended up running away with him to Mexico, where she stayed for months. Only when DFACS officials investigated claims by Marlin that she and Dean had an inappropriate relationship did it surface that her younger sister was also apparently a victim. Marlin later claimed her charges against her adoptive father were a ruse to get out of the house, and that her sister was lying. Marlin later returned to the States, and it was revealed in testimony that Dean’s assistant sent her large sums of money to help get her here. How much she got was never exactly revealed, because the assistant, Sarah Harper Scott, refused to specify under oath. So Marlin was flush with cash, in a poor Mexican neighborhood, and was able to get back here just in time to testify, and oh, by the way, deliver a brand new baby. In other words folks, it is the opinion of prosecutors that she was bought off.

Marlin inadvertently gave the prosecution a grand opportunity when she testified that District Attorney Ashley Wright called her a liar while she was interviewing her. That allowed Wright to be be called by prosecutors to rebut that testimony, and basically destroy her credibility. No Testimony from Renee Dean. Under state law, the spouse of a defendant cannot be forced to testify against them. However, if the spouse chooses to take the stand, then the prosecution can ask them pretty much any question related to the case. Dean’s wife Renee was apparently on the defense witness list, but was never called. Given that she was the only other adult in that household, it is amazing that she would not testify if she believed him not guilty. So why was she listed as a witness? Likely a curveball for prosecutors, hoping that they would count on Mrs. Dean as an eventual benefit to their case. It did not work. I am told Dean supporters hope for a short, or even a probated sentence in this matter. They will not be getting their wish.

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METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

V. 22 | NO. 69

METRONEWS

ERICJOHNSON

Pure Suga

Local author hopes to turn Suga into gold

If Michael Parnell’s literary career grows according to plan, an awful lot of Georgia Bulldog fans will be indebted to Augusta State University. That’s because “Suga,” Parnell’s children’s book about a lonely bulldog’s search for a home, started out as an ASU classroom assignment. “For one of my childhood education classes, I had to write a children’s book,” Parnell says. “I was brainstorming and came up with what I thought was a pretty good idea, but I have no artistic ability at all.” That shortcoming was reflected in his grade (he received an 87 on the book assignment), but not in his instructor’s enthusiasm for the story. V. 22 | NO. 69

“Her comment was: this would sell,” he remembers. The opinion was welcomed, but the process of publishing a book can be time consuming. Luckily for Parnell, good fortune struck again, this time in the guise of a financial aid problem. In order to keep his financial aid, he needed one more credit hour, which the dean was willing to allow him to get in the form of an independent study. Basically, he was getting academic credit to get his book published. Like most writers, he struggled with indifferent publishers and predatory agents until he ran into a friend who had had an historical book published

by a small publishing house in Atlanta, Deeds Publishing. So Parnell sent in his story. Another bit of good fortune? The owner’s son, also the marketing director, was a UGA graduate. The 32-page book follows Suga (Sugar, pronounced the Southern way) as she sets out to find a family. Along the way she runs into different mascots from the SEC East, including a cocky gamecock and a crybaby alligator. “After she finishes the journey, she kind of wanders into this stadium that had the greenest grass and the greenest hedges surrounding it,” he says. “She never leaves the man’s side except for Saturdays, when she watches men dressed in red throw a football around,

and every Saturday she is surrounded by 93,000 members of her family, and she finally feels at home.” While it sounded to everyone like a hit, there was still a need for illustrations that Parnell himself could not provide. Luckily, he has an uncle who is a medical illustrator with a creative side, and he was willing to step in and bring Parnell’s story to life. The first picture he sent was of Suga and a boy. “It was simple, but amazing,” he says. “As soon as I got that, it kind of gave me a little bit more drive to work on it even harder.” That perseverance was about to be METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

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tested when he found it difficult to assure the publisher that there were no legal implications to being almost, but not quite, referencing the University of Georgia. Though the book never said anything explicitly about UGA, the association

Georgia Bulldog mascot bloodline. “I called him and left a message on his voicemail,” Parnell says. “He called back within 15 minutes.” Parnell voiced his concerns and emailed Seiler the material. Twenty minutes later, Seiler called and said

was more than strongly inferred — with colors and fonts and the bulldog main character, readers could very easily come away from the book never actually realizing that their assumptions about the book were never actually spelled out. A friend in law school voiced her concerns, so Parnell found Georgia Lawyers for the Arts, a nonprofit that helps artists in need of legal representation. It did not go well. “The lawyer they found for me was super condescending to me, and I’m Irish Catholic, so I have a bit of a temper,” he says. “I said, ‘You can try to talk me out of this all you want, but I am going to do this. I just want to know what steps I need to take.’” When the attorney didn’t change his tune, Parnell contacted someone from the school’s sports marketing department, who said there was the possibility of a problem, but he would never actually pin down whether or not all those similarities to UGA actually crossed a legal line. So Parnell called Sonny Seiler. Seiler, a prominent attorney and UGA benefactor (not to mention a main character in “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil”) also happens to be the owner of the

very definitively that there was no problem and that the sports marketing guy needed to give him a call. “What I was trying to get done in months, Sonny Seiler handled in less than an hour,” he says. With only two minor changes, the book went to print in mid November, and while he’s got 200 orders and is currently sweating the Christmas deadline, he’s really got his sights set big. Really big. “This book — the main character is interchangeable,” he says. “Literally, this could work for every school in America. Small schools, big schools — any school likes to poke fun of their rivals. I think this could be a million dollar idea.” Before he makes his millions, though, he’s got to sell the 1,000 copies he’s got now, which he’s doing online at sugathebulldog.com and locally at Mish Mash in Evans and Saintly Gifts. After that, he wants to concentrate on the next printing, in which he hopes to have a forward by Georgia head football coach Mark Richt. “I never thought this would be something I would do,” he says, “but I do kind of have a bulldog mentality.”

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TAKING HALF STEPS By Timothy Polin / Edited by Will Shortz

96 ___-Alt-Del 98 Gusto 99 Draft inits. 100 Goddess with a headdress depicting a throne 102 Killed, as a test 104 Former transportation regulation agcy. 106 Dangers for children and klutzes 111 Immigrant’s opposite 116 1994 Schwarzenegger film 117 Judge in Judges 118 Neighbor of a Turkmen 119 Cactuslike plant of the Southwest 120 Doorway jamb 121 Remark after an awkward silence 122 Vocal skeptic 123 Hockey team, say 124 Nobelist Bohr DOWN 1 Aircraft carrier 2 “Open ___” 3 Cruel Ugandan 4 Veg-O-Matic company 5 Planned 6 Instrument played in the mouth 7 Short operatic solos 8 Kid minders 9 Glacial ridge 10 Render 11 Retired boomers 12 There’s no foul play when one passes by these 13 Brass 14 More pretentious 15 Vaquero’s neckwear 16 ___ a secret 17 Rikki-tikki-___ 18 Some punches 19 Slander or libel 27 Cavalry member 31 2005 biography subtitled “The Making of a Terrorist” 32 Seasoned hand 33 Sycophant 34 Repeated film title role for Jim Varney 36 Organic food label 38 Links chain 40 Orly bird? 41 Pass (out) 42 Potpourri

43 Lens solution brand 44 Fixed at an acute angle 47 Guide 49 Fox hunter’s cry 54 Shapes studied by Dr. Watson and his partner 56 Frequent answer to “When?” 58 Set-___ 59 Letter after pee 60 Wrinkly-faced dogs 62 Lhasa ___ 65 Dastardly laughs 66 Mario’s dinosaur sidekick 67 Like some cigarettes 68 Way to refuse 69 Pavement caution 70 Bottom dealers, perhaps 71 Cousins of giraffes 72 Tightens (up) 73 Backups for backups 75 “The Origin of Species” concept 76 Part of a freight train 77 Something a dome lacks 78 Samoan port 79 Former Connecticut governor Jodi 80 Welsh, e.g. 81 Robert of “The Sopranos” 82 “___ Andromeda” (British sci-fi series) 83 10th-century pope 86 F major has just one 90 Kind of kick 92 Former surgeon general C. ___ Koop 95 It’s found near the toe of a boot 97 Apt to change 101 Inscribed marker 103 Ancient volume 105 Wispy clouds 106 Al who sought the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination 107 Water hazard? 108 Give a lift 109 They leave trails 110 Director Kazan 111 Piped fuel 112 Site for techies 113 Writer Grey 114 Organic compound 115 Tiny criticisms

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ACROSS 1 Knives, forks and spoons 6 Jackson and Reno 12 Where a plant or animal thrives 20 Shakespearean nobleman 21 Wipes out 22 Spanish conquistador who searched for the Seven Cities of Gold 23 Taking too much 24 Reassure that one’s joking, in a way 25 Aesthete 26 Little shavers at school? 28 Northern sympathizer 29 ___ moment’s notice 30 Tucker out 31 Bone: Prefix 32 Just recently 35 Maternally related 37 Knoll 39 Like trenchant wit 45 Paper tray size: Abbr. 46 Mercedes sedan 48 Potpourri 50 Burrowing rodents 51 Home in the woods 52 Kin: Abbr. 53 Radiohead frontman Yorke 55 Cockamamie 57 Extraordinary and unexplainable 59 Play sentinel 61 Fix, as a fairway 62 “The Clan of the Cave Bear” author 63 Southern university whose campus is a botanical garden 64 Table scraps 65 Economic woe 69 Burns, e.g. 73 Ones pictured in corp. reports 74 Newspaper units: Abbr. 75 Body of water in a volcanic crater, for one 76 Group that doesn’t believe in revolution? 82 #2 or #3 84 “Get it?” 85 “Lohengrin” soprano 86 Fixed price 87 Quick inning enders, for short 88 Walled city of Spain 89 Key 91 Modernize the plant 93 Trademarked marker 94 Spheres

D A D S

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L I E U G T O F L I O S T H

O D L E E N O S A P R N A O O M S S S M G I E A S N L E Z E R Y M Y F E E L S O R O G A R I N N O

C A P A B L E A B U T M O E N

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M S O N S O N U A R L G E L L A S E D T A L E D A O F F G I S E L M E A N T C O S T I T R E W R O R

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METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 11

JOSHRUFFIN

Very Bad Movies

“New Year’s Eve” was just the start... and it can get much, much worse

RUFFIN’IT

This past week, the film “New Year’s Eve” came out. I’m not going to see it but, as best I can figure from watching the trailer, it’s about a bunch of infuriatingly likable milquetoasts prettier than you having some nice PG-13 fun on NYE. Still, Cary Elwes is in it, so I’m hoping this turns out to be some sort of “Saw” spinoff, and we get to see a footless Zac Efron battle blind Bon Jovi for a free vaginoplasty coupon. More likely, though, this will be remembered as the film where Robert De Niro beat his own career to such a brutal, clumsy death that Ray Carew will start receiving royalties. And let’s face it, it’s just downright lazy to name a film after a holiday. Granted, sometimes the quality makes up for it: “Halloween” is a horror classic, and Bill Murray is so awesome in “Groundhog Day” that it almost makes up for “Osmosis Jones.” But “Valentine’s Day” (also directed by Garry Marshall) came out a couple years back, and was reportedly just as bad. Actually, we’re just stealing another AfricanAmerican trend and appropriating it. Black filmmakers have a rich history of naming movies after a thing that is its own setting: “Car Wash,” “Block Party,” “Soul Plane,” etc. We’re just giving it the vanilla treatment. “Board Meeting,” “Bridge Night” and “Shopping for Toms” are all slated for release next year. But it got me thinking: There’s a vast untapped market out there. So, combining holiday-themed plots with Hollywood’s current reboot-happy zeitgeist, here are some unbelievably lazy plot pitches for films that Michael Bay would be happy to direct.

Pitch No. 1

It’s the year 2046. Global warming and deforestation run rampant, fueled by an apathetic public. The pleas of United States of Canadimerica President (Morgan Freeman) fall on deaf ears in the United Nations. Meanwhile, arboriculturist and explosion surfer Dr. Plank Brainfist (Channing Tatum) has discovered a mutation in a grove of redwoods. The trees are changing… thinking… rebelling. It’s: “Arbor Day.” Possible tagline: “The seeds for Armageddon have been planted.”

Pitch No. 2

It’s late summer in Portland, Ore., and a rash of hipster murders holds the normally chill city in a grip of patchouli-scented terror. Hard-drinking private detective Sam Winston American Spirit (Mickey Rourke, or a gorilla covered in stretched leather) is on the case, but the killings continue to spiral out of control. A pattern, however, emerges: The number of victims increases exponentially throughout the month of September. And an ancient, evil force drifts in nightly from the sea to exact his revenge on those who now mock him on… “International Talk Like a Pirate Day.” Possible tagline: “Stop it. Just… stop it. You’re not Johnny Depp, so just stop it.”

Pitch No. 3

London, 1645. An ultra-conservative band of Puritans led by Oliver Cromwell (Taylor Swift) have seized control of England, and immediately begin to enforce Christian doctrine all across the country. Sex is demonized, alcohol is forbidden and all non-Christian celebrations are ruthlessly quashed. But a brave sect of underground Pagans risk life and limb for their faith, and seek to preserve one of their most sacred traditions: the holiday known as… “Christmas.” Possible tagline: “An ironic true story.”

Pitch No. 4

The year is 2064, and the new Canadimerica President (Laurence Fishburne) has seen great success in maintaining the conservationist policies of his predecessor. But a brilliant, psychopathic terrorist (Ke$ha) has unleashed a new strain of murderous birch pine into the tree farms of America, forcing the jaded Dr. Brainfist (John Cena) out of retirement to once again combat the threat. With his ragtag group of environmental mercenaries (Jake Gyllenhall, Elle Fanning, Terry Crewes and the other Old Spice guy), Plank seeks to restore the balance and, possibly, his own salvation in… “Arbor Day II.” Possible tagline: “This spring, we go back to the root of the problem.” ASU and Metro Spirit alum Josh Ruffin is a published journalist and poet, who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.

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ERICJOHNSON

Building an ARC

Columbia County inches closer to Arts and Resource Center

Even though Rob Nordan and the Columbia County Orchestra Association have a current home in the University Health Care Campus in Evans, they’re not giving up on the dream of a freestanding Arts and Resource Center (ARC), which is why Nordan made a presentation before the Columbia County Board of Education Tuesday, December 13, outlining their interest in Belair Elementary School. Specifically, they’re looking at the back five to seven acres of the 15-acre property, which includes some lower elevation and wetlands, making it very close in spirit to the original ARC concept Nordan floated a couple of years ago. And while he knows it will be a few school years before Belair Elementary, which is slated to close, is officially vacated, reaching some kind of agreement with the Board of Education would be a big step in the right direction. “Board Chair Regina Buccafusco asked in the meeting what the fundraising timeframe was, and I said that, to be honest, once we have

a location, it’s much easier to do something with fundraising,” he says. “The sooner that we can go on record that this is an option for us, the sooner we can get on with things.” That kind of legitimacy is hard earned, of course, and it comes in steps. Without the University location, Nordan would have had a rougher time being taken seriously now, which is one of the reasons his original ARC concept failed to bring in the needed amount of donations during an early test campaign. “The fact that we’re at the University campus gives us a physical location,” he says. “Plus, we’ve got eight music teachers teaching, two art teachers teaching and four different Columbia County arts groups renting space.” This version of the concept will likely have a dose of site-specific history, thanks to a group of teachers at the school who have formed a kind of Belair Elementary Historical Society. “What they’ve done is collect classroom photos and photos from different fall festivals and they’ve

started putting it all in an electronic format,” he says. “They’re interested in having a wall or having something at the facility that identifies that there was education that went on there.” That’s the kind of community buyin Nordan wants, and he says it’s a perfect companion for the wetland infrastructure already built into the property. “The trails are still there,” he says. “And the outdoor classroom areas are still there. It’s just kind of fallen into disrepair. We would be looking to restore that and then utilize that pond for storm water retention.” To those who question the timing of such a big project, Nordan says that Columbia County is in a constricting mode, with cuts in funding of up to $10 million looming. “My gut feeling,” Nordan says, “is that the fine arts will be the area that will eventually be hit.” That’s not necessarily Chicken Little talk, either. It hasn’t been that long ago that the school board contemplated eliminating middle school football.

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“They know that’s not an option,” Nordan says, remembering the public outcry that accompanied the idea. “They’re not going to get that public outrage from cutting the arts.” Practically speaking, the band programs would be safe as long as football remains, but basic, general music and basic art education at the elementary level will, at the very least, face a strong attack from those intent on trimming, which, though bad for the arts, nevertheless makes the idea of the ARC a little more agreeable. “I think there are some who see what we’re doing as a way to partner the school with the community to have something mutually beneficial,” Nordan says. “So if they end up after three or four school years saying, ‘Okay, we can’t have choral programs in middle school and high school any more or art programs — maybe a facility such as this would still allow them ways to plug in and use the resources that are here.”

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ERICJOHNSON

Lump of Coal

Commission fails to find mistletoe in last meeting before Christmas

and how costly a forensic audit might be, saying there were some things he would like to look into, though he feared the cost of such a widespread audit as the one Lockett was seemingly requesting. Administrator Fred Russell answered that it would be a very long and very costly experience. “My concern is some of the vagueness here,” Russell said. “You’re basically saying to look at Augusta Transit Department privatization. That’s a big thing to look at.” Besides such broad things, there were some things on the list that they had already budgeted and approved. “I’m not sure how you would audit the vote,” he said.

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When Lockett was allowed to speak, he was clearly peeved at the way things had started. “It’s amazing that it’s my agenda item and everybody is going to speak,” he said. “If you want to know what the forensic audit is about, talk to the person who put it on the agenda. I never had the intent of doing all of these things at one time.” Backpedaling, he decided to focus on bringing forensic auditors to the TEE Center parking deck, which he insisted wouldn’t have to cost the big bucks Russell alleged, should they choose the Ford model of audit over the Mercedes. Then he launched into a tirade that seemed to be accusing someone in

Christmas Spirit was hard to come by in the Augusta Commission chambers Tuesday afternoon, as commissioners and the mayor threw insults and allegations at each other regarding Commissioner Bill Lockett’s seemingly perennial forensic audit agenda item, which was forwarded from his Administrative Services committee after an indifferent reaction from the members of the committee last Monday. Before Lockett was able to speak in support of his own item, Mayor Deke Copenhaver recognized Corey Johnson to speak, which irritated Lockett, who wanted a chance to explain the meaning behind his request. Johnson wanted to find out how long

particular of specific activities involving the TEE Center parking deck land swap. “Commissioner Lockett,” Copenhaver interrupted. “When you say ‘you,’ who are you referring to?” “Let’s put it this way,” he said. “The decision makers…” “Which would be us,” Copenhaver responded. Lockett, however, struggled to point out the positives of a parking deck audit. “If we investigate that and we can’t find anything and you don’t want to take it to the next level, fine,” he said. “But if you find something and you say, ‘Gee whiz, there might be something going on in the Utilities Department…” He then proceeded to reiterate his argument for a forensic audit of the Utilities Department, focusing on the unfair way the department has handled the golf courses. “And if you all can’t see a need for that, then you’re in worse shape than Ray Charles,” he finished, at which point Copenhaver suggested Lockett show some respect for his colleagues. All of which awoke a simmering J.R. Hatney, who seemed to still be frustrated by a previous discussion about the city’s insurance. “Respecting your colleagues sounds good,” he said. “But if you can’t trust your colleagues, you’ve got a problem. You can talk about respect until the Lord comes back, but if I can’t trust you to keep your word from day to day, there’s something dramatically wrong here.” He paused briefly, then continued. “We’re supposed to be men of honor, men of character. We took a sworn oath. There are some of the biggest liars I ever met sitting up here.” God bless us, every one.

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GREGBAKER

Here Comes Santa Claus Hopefully, he’ll be arraigned in time for Christmas

As we enter the last few days of the holiday season, everyone is well settled into their traditional routines. Presents rest comfortably under the tree. The smell of cookies and seasonal treats drift sweetly through the air. The morning nip and frost encourages all to pull out their heaviest flannel shirts. The winter solstice is upon us, and while adults ponder the deeper religious meaning of the time, children among us possess an almost singular focus. The man in the red suit will soon be here. Now, of course, no one has ever observed this man in action. There is a good reason. With over 100 million households to visit, Santa can’t afford to spend more than about 1/1000 of a second at each stop. That’s not a lot of time to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the rest of the presents under the tree, kiss on mommy under the mistletoe, get back up the chimney before daddy comes downstairs with his shotgun, and sled over to the next house. He won’t have to spend that much time if some kids are on the naughty list, but, even so, it’s still beyond the capabilities of Jamie, Adam and the rest of the Mythbusters team to confirm. So Santa Claus will conduct his journey this Saturday out of the reach of technological detection. That’s probably for the best since even the master of Christmas logistics will occasionally have an operational glitch. Just last week near the I-20 overpass at Belair Road, Santa found himself in quite a situation. The news media didn’t report the story, but the following was provided to Augusta Tek by eyewitnesses.

Blinded by headlights, ran a red light, that’s when his trouble began. Toys went flying, Children crying, there was mass chaos If only had Santa checked his mirror, he would have saw the school bus. Here come police cars, here comes fire trucks, Right down Santa Claus Lane Move that wrecked sleigh, clear the roadway, and get traffic moving again Cars are honkin’, people gawkin’, they’ve never seen such a wreck A man on smartphone is texting home, and everyone’s cursing like heck Here come TV trucks, here comes reporters, Right down Santa Claus Lane We’ve got a man that’s standing by… let’s take you to the scene What we’ve got is a classic case of not yielding right of way, But did Santa have too much Egg Nog before taking the reins of his sleigh? Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, arraigned on DUI Picture in the paper, what a caper, everyone’s asking why? Some believe the stress of the season finally got to good, ole Claus Others believe it’s just payback for what he did to old Grandma!

AUGUSTATEK Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane

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A very blessed, Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday Season to all! Until next time, I’ll see you on the internet. L8R. Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits.

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ERICJOHNSON

Five Years Later

PHOTOGRAPHY: JWHITE

The Metro Spirit reflects on James Brown’s sendoff

Five years ago this Christmas Day, Augustans awoke to the news that James Brown, the Godfather of Soul and Augusta’s No. 1 fan, had died of heart failure at Emory Crawford Long Hospital in Atlanta. Depending on which stories you believe, Brown was either 73 or 78. The death came as a surprise to most Augustans. Three days earlier he had been here giving away toys at his annual toy giveaway and he was scheduled to perform a New Year’s Eve concert at the B.B. King Blues Club in New York City. Quickly, however — and in spite of the ongoing family drama that questioned the authenticity of Brown’s marriage to his forth wife, Tomi Rae (shown at right) — a series of three memorial services were planned. The first, at Harlem’s famous Apollo Theater, would be held December 28. A private family ceremony would V. 22 | NO. 69

occur at Carpentersville Baptist Church in North Augusta on December 29. And Augusta would have its chance to celebrate Brown’s life on Saturday, December 30, in the arena that bears his name. Two consecutive issues of the Metro Spirit dealt with Brown’s death and memorials. Each cover won an Addy Award from the American Advertising Association of Augusta, the first as the last entry in 2006 and the second as the first in 2007. Both issues required extra dedication from Spirit employees, who gave up part of their holiday for the all-hands-on-deck coverage of the story. “At the end of the day, we hoped to have peered a little deeper,” Editor Tom Grant wrote in his editor’s note. “At the end of the week, we think we’ve presented a fresh view of one of the most significant events in Augusta’s recent memory.”

Saturday, December 30, started out dark and rainy, and, by 9:45, downtown was littered with illegally parked cars and pedestrians flocking to the arena to join 8,100 other people in showing their respect for the Hardest

Working Man in Show Business. “Folks from all walks of life, black and white, rich and poor, formally and casually dressed, followed the line that led them inside back out again after paying their respects,” a Spirit writer METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 17

observed. “Mourners crossed my view in tears, some with storyboard pictures in edification of the man who inspired music, culture and an entire race of people.” That race of people relished not only Brown’s mainstream popularity but his transcendent role as both civil rights crusader and entertainer — roles that don’t always make easy bedfellows. “Say It Loud (I’m Black and I’m Proud)” is credited with both changing the way blacks thought of themselves and adjusting society’s nomenclature. “The song showed even people to that day that lyrics and music and a song can change society,’” Brown

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said in a 2003 interview. “I clearly remember we were calling ourselves colored, and, after the song, we were calling ourselves black.” Local mourners included Deke Copenhaver, Champ Walker and Flash Gordon, then the director of the arena. City Administrator Fred Russell even served as an escort, showing guests to their seats. The Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, both longtime Brown associates, officiated at the ceremony, which of course drew media from all over the world. V. 22 | NO. 69

“He was dramatic to the end — dying on Christmas Day, almost a dramatic, poetic moment,” Jackson wrote in a press statement the morning of his death. “He’ll be all over the news all over the world today. He would have it no other way.” The musical tribute at the memorial service began with Ali Woodson, a former singer with the Drifters and the Temptations, singing “Walk Around Heaven.” Other performers included Derrick Monk, wife and singer Tomi Rae, Bobby Byrd and Cynthia Moore. The musical highlight, however, occurred when Brown’s Soul Generals played “Sex Machine.” The only performer in the arena close to Brown’s stature, Michael Jackson, was there to mourn, not perform. “James Brown is my greatest inspiration,” Jackson said in that unmistakably breathless voice. “Ever since I was a small child, no more than six years old, my mother would wake me no matter what time it was and no matter what I was doing, to watch television and see the master at work. And when I saw him move, I was mesmerized. I never saw a performer perform like James Brown, and right then and there I knew that that was exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.” While the event itself remains vivid for those who were in attendance, what has become murkier over time is the craziness surrounding the event, the way the solemnity of the occasion had to go toe to toe with the T-shirt selling kitsch and celebrity-hungry envy of the assembled humanity. And then there was the family sideshow, which was worthy of an Insider. “On the day James Brown died, his wife, Tomi Rae, and son, James Jr., arrived at their home in Beech V. 22 | NO. 69

Island, S.C., to find they’d been locked out of the house,” the Insider wrote. “The man who ordered the lockout was attorney Albert ‘Buddy’ Dallas of Gibson, Ga., who apparently represents Brown’s estate. As the sort of lawyer who refuses to let compassion dull his fangs, Dallas referred to Tomi Rae as ‘Mr. Brown’s girlfriend’ and said the Browns were estranged and that Tomi Rae had been ‘in rehab.’” Brown had married Tomi Rae

in 2001, but filed for annulment in 2004. Sent to cover the story, Spirit writer Erika Bolin inadvertently became Tomi Rae’s de facto press agent and babysitter while the ostracized wife struggled to make arrangements and stay below the glare of the national spotlight. “At the Marriott, she and I went to her suite,” Bolin wrote of Tomi Rae. “She asked me to answer the phone. ‘Please get the phone for me. I know

what you’re here for now. You’re my assistant.’” Then there was that celebrity watch. At least here in the Garden City, rumor had it that the memorial was going to be a cavalcade of celebrities. The list of supposed guests was a who’s who of the music and entertainment world, including Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, Usher, Spike Lee and Brown’s costar in the 1980 comedy “The Blues Brothers,” Dan Aykroyd.

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PHOTOGRAPHY: JWHITE

Driven into near-hysteria by this constantly evolving list, the arena crowd went wild when comedian Bruce Bruce arrived two hours before the service began, “adorned entirely in black and draped in a posh, luxurious fur coat.” A C- or D-list appetizer, he was never followed by an A-list meal. In fact, with the exception of Michael Jackson and the once briefly famous MC Hammer, the celebrities stayed home. That didn’t seem to bother things at the Soul Bar, however. After the marathon memorial, those in the know — or those simply not wanting the day to end — turned up at the Soul Bar to share their grief and experiences and feel the music one last time. Soul Bar owner Coco Rubio named the bar in Brown’s honor and even now the singer’s influence on the place is unmistakable. It was especially unmistakable that night, with the crowd and the energy and the love. Out of uniform, the Soul Generals played once more that day, and Tomi Rae sang and danced and was applauded. “Of course, the Soul Generals had lost their commander-inchief,” wrote reporter Corey Pein. “But on Saturday night, they played like he was still there on stage, leading us all onward.” Maybe the best observation regarding James Brown’s legacy was given by Solomon Burke, the 2001 Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame inductee who was another longtime friend. “When you speak of James Brown, you speak of a young man who came from the ghetto and brought that ghetto into a higher class level of life,” Burke told the Metro Spirit. “He showed you that you, too, can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and turn your life around. And we are going to have ups and downs and none of us are perfect — everyone makes mistakes. The secret is to pull back up. The secret is to make amends.”

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R.U.N.E ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED

SAINTS AND SINNERS COMEDY TOUR It only takes one glance at Patrick Jolle to tell that this guy has an attitude. From the tips of his heavily lacquered hair to the bottom of his strategically ripped jeans, Jolle reeks of arrested-development d-bag. It’s no surprise then that he’s the “sinner” part of the Saints and Sinners Comedy Tour, coming to Somewhere in Augusta this Wednesday. The “saint” part of the equation is Matthew Lumpkin, who indeed must be one to put up with Jolle’s Beavis and Butthead type shenanigans. During the show, Jolle will take the stage first and then Lumpkin comes on to act as a palate cleanser. Then the two friends (who jokingly say the met through eHarmony) go at each other in a verbal smackdown of epic proportions. Don’t miss it!

Somewhere in Augusta | Wednesday, December 28 Doors, 7 p.m. | show, 8 p.m. | $8 | 706-739-0002

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ENTERTAINMENT

“Ave Maria,” “The First Noel,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “O Come, All Ye Faithful” and, of course, “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” are just a few of the songs that will fill St. John United Methodist Church downtown on Christmas Eve at 10:30 p.m. at their concert with lessons and carols, presented by the church’s choirs and orchestra. Part of their Concerts with a Cause series, proceeds from an offering will go to the United Methodist Children’s Home. Seating begins at 10 p.m., so get there early for a good spot! Call 706-724-9641 or visit stjohnaugusta.org. Photo by Ed McCranie.

Christmas Services

Christmas Eve candlelight service is Saturday, December 24, at 6 p.m., at Fellowship Baptist Church in Grovetown. Christmas morning service is Sunday, December 25, at 10 a.m. Call 706-860-6357. Christmas Eve Lessons and Carols and Holy Eucharist is Saturday, December 24, at 7 p.m., at St. Augustine’s Episcopal Church, 3321 Wheeler Road. Call 706738-6676 or visit st-augustines.org. Concerts with a Cause: Christmas Eve Concert and Lessons and Carols, presented by St. John Choirs and Orchestra, is Saturday, December 24, at V. 22 | NO. 69

10:30 p.m. at St. Johns United Methodist Church, and benefits the United Methodist Children’s Home. Call 706724-9641 or visit stjohnaugusta.org. Christmas Morning service at Carpentersville Baptist Church is Sunday, December 25, at 8 a.m., in North Augusta. Call 803-279-2501. Christmas Day Holy Eucharist is Sunday, December 25, at 8 a.m. and 10:30 a.m., at St. Augustine’s Episcopal Church, 3321 Wheeler Road. Call 706-738-6676 or visit st-augustines.org. Christmas morning service at Antioch Missionary Baptist Church is Sunday, December 25, at 9 a.m. Call 706-724-

2809 or visit antiochaug.org. Christmas morning service at Old Storm Branch Baptist Church is Sunday, December 25, at 9 a.m., in North Augusta, and features a sermon by Dr. Nathaniel Irvin, Sr. Call 803-279-6009.

Arts

$100 Art Show continues through December 23 at Gaartdensity, 1155 Broad Street, and features original artwork by Jason Craig, Jay Jacobs, Leonard Zimmerman, Rich Menger, Staci Swider and more. Artwork is $100 or less and available on a cash and carry basis. Call 706-466-5166.

Holiday specials at the Jim Harrison Gallery in Aiken are offered each Sunday in December, and include holiday specials and a painting auction. Call 803-7935796 or visit jimharrison.com. Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com.

Exhibitions

“Local Color: Photography of the South” shows through January 29, 2012, at the METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 23

Morris Museum of Art, and features work by some of the South’s most important photographers. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Tuesday. Included is instruction in piano, drums, guitar, voice and brass. Call 706364-4069 or visit krocaugusta.org.

year’s best kids’ movies. Bring your own refreshments. Call 803-642-7575 or visit abbe-lib.org.

“Working South: Paintings and Sketches” by Mary Whyte shows through March 11 at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Literary

Poetry Matters is accepting entries through March 23 for their annual poetry contest. Cash prizes will be given out. Categories are middle and high school, adults and seniors. Visit poetrymatterscelebration.com.

School’s Out Movie Double Feature for Teens, featuring “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” (parts I and II), is Tuesday, December 20, at 1 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. No registration required and participants are invited to bring their own snacks. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

“Eclectic Visions: Art by Educators in the Savannah River Area” continues through December 31 at the Morris Museum of Art’s Education Gallery, and features work by art educators at public and private schools in Richmond, Columbia, Wilkes, Aiken and Edgefield counties. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. The Annual Doll Exhibition shows through December 31 at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History. $2-$5. Call 706-724-3576 or visit lucycraftlaneymuseum.org. The Annual Quilt Exhibition shows until December 31 at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History. Call 706-7243576 or visit lucycraftlaneymuseum.com. December exhibitions at the Aiken Center for the Arts include “T’is the Season Invitational” of pieces $300 and under, the Plein Air Painters, and Judy Adamick and Anne Rauton Smith. Call 803-6419094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. “Making Something Ancient of the New,” sculpture by Kath Girdler Engler, shows through January 8, 2012, at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Rochelle “Cissie” Levy’s show of mixed media work is on display through December 31 at the Aiken Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame and Museum. Free and open to the public. Call 803-6427758 or visit aikenracinghalloffame.com. David Swanagin and Mike C. Berry Exhibit shows through December 31 at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. Call 706-8264700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org.

Music

Auditions for the Columbia County Choral Society’s 2012 spring season, featuring John Rutter’s “Requiem,” are Tuesday, January 3, and Tuesday, January 10, from 6-7 p.m., at First Baptist Church of Evans. Call 706-650-2311 or visit ccchoralsociety.org. The Salvation Army School of the Performing Arts holds classes each 24 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

Nook tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a Nookcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com. Call for Authors! Headquarters Branch Library is hosting its inaugural Augusta Literary Festival March 3, 2012, and is looking for authors to read and sell their published work. Visit ecgrl.org.

Dance

Real Dance Music is every Thursday from 8-11 p.m. at Rosehill Estate in Aiken, and features jazz and party music. Call 803-648-1181 or email stephen@ rosehillestate.com. Belly Dance Class is every Tuesday at 4 p.m. at Euchee Creek Branch Library. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org. Augusta International Folk Dance Club meets Tuesday nights from 7:30-9:30 p.m. at the Augusta Ballet Studio on 2941 Walton Way. No par tners needed. First visit free. Call Tim at 706-399-2477.

Theater

Local authors are invited to submit original scripts for Quickies 2012, the short play festival at Le Chat Noir. Scripts should be 10-15 pages; all styles and subject matters considered. Deadline is December 31. Mail scripts to Quickies, c/o Le Chat Noir, 304 Eighth Street, Augusta, GA, 30901, or email them to info@lncaugusta.com. Auditions for “Actors, Musicians and Writers of Future Projects,” presented by HBO’s Rege Lewis, are Thursday, December 22, from 10 a.m.-noon, at Hudson Memorial Christian Methodist Episcopal Church, in Augusta. Call 706724-6715.

Flix

Movies at Appleby, for ages 5 and up, are Tuesday, December 20, at 2 p.m. at the Appleby Branch Library. Call 706-7366244 or visit ecgrl.org.

Special Events

‘Tis the Season, presented by DuPont Planetarium, is Monday, December 26, at 6 p.m., 7 p.m. and 8 p.m., at USCAiken, and features a history of the world’s holiday customs. $1-$4.50. Call 803-641-3654 or visit rpsec.usca.edu/ planetarium. Christmas Tree Recycling by U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is going on now at Riverside Middle School. Trees must be free of all decorations. Call 800-5338478 or visit sas.usace.army.mil/lakes/ thurmond/index.html. Weekly Wine Tastings at Vineyard Wine Market in Evans are each Friday from 4:30-6:30 p.m. and each Saturday from 1-6 p.m. Call 706-922-9463 or visit vine11.com. Tours of the Boyhood Home of President Woodrow Wilson are Tuesday-Saturday, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., on the hour, at 415 Seventh Street, and feature Civil War era holiday decorations by Charleston Street Fine Flowers and Events and a Christmas tree by students at C.T. Walker Traditional Magnet School. $3-$5; free for children under 5. Groups of 10 or more need a reservation. Call 706-724-0436 or visit historicaugusta.org. Lights of the South continues daily through December 30 from 6-10 p.m. at 633 Louisville Road, and features light displays, hay rides, Santa and holiday treats. $7.50, adults; $4, children ages 4-17. Call 706-825-6441 or visit lightsofthesouth.com.

Health

Weight Loss Seminar is Thursday, Best of 2011 Movie Week continues December 22, at Georgia Health Sciences through Thursday, December 22, at Cancer Center’s first floor Community 10:30 a.m. and 4 p.m., at North Augusta Room. Free. For information and to Branch Library, and features some of the register, call 706-721-2609 or visit

georgiahealth.org/weightloss. Trust Birth Augusta Stories and Cinema Circle is Monday, December 26, at 7 p.m., at Steinle Wellness Center, 122 Old Evans Road, and features a film and discussion on water and home births. Free. Call 706-833-5101. Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease Aquatics Class meets every Monday and Friday at noon at the Wilson Family Y. Free for members; $3 for non-members. For more information and registration, call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9664 or visit thefamilyy.org. Adapted Wii Special Populations are available by appointment at the Wilson Family Y and feature individual ½-hour classes for physically and developmentally challenged individuals of all ages. $10, members; $20, nonmembers. Call Claudia Collins 706-9229662 or visit thefamilyy.org. Free HIV/AIDS testing will be given all month long in various locations in the CSRA. Contact 706-721-4463 or visit csrasafetynet.org for a list of locations and dates. Joint Efforts, presented by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday from 11-11:45 a.m., at Augusta Bone and Joint, and features a free seminar about knee and hip pain, treatments, medication, food and exercise. Call 706481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. Child Safety Seat Inspections, offered by Safe Kids East Central, are available by appointment at either MCGHealth Building 1010C or the Martinez Columbia Fire Rescue Engine Company 3. Call 706-721-7606 for an appointment at MCGHealth or 706-860-7763 in Martinez. Car seat classes are also available by appointment at these two locations, and those interested should call 706-721-7606 for an appointment. Visit georgiahealth.edu. Infant CPR Anytime Learning Program will be held Thursdays at 6:30 p.m. at the first floor information desk (west entrance) of MCGHealth. Visit georgiahealth.edu.

Support

Cancer Share meets Monday, December 26, from 6-7:30 p.m., at University Hospital’s Breast Health Center, and features support and light refreshments for anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer. Call 706-774-8308 or visit V. 22 | NO. 69

universityhealth.org. LaLeche League, presented by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets Monday, December 26, at 7 p.m., and features support for pregnant women, as well

Moms Connection, a free support group for new mothers and their babies, meets Tuesdays from 1-2 p.m. at MCGHealth Building 1010C. Call 706-721-9351 or visit georgiahealth.org.

Put a little

CAJUN in your stocking Monday -Thursday nights One pound of shrimp (fried, grilled or boiled) $9.99

Tuesday night

Crab Legs served with redskin potatoes and mixed green salad $7.99 a pound

Wednesday night

Bone in fried catfish over blue cheese grits and salad $6.99

en garde at the augusta fencers club, signing up now for january classes for both adults and children *dine in only

as nursing mothers and their babies. Call Julie Menger at 706-737-2405 or Stephanie Bussey at 706-855-1630. Burn Support Group meets Tuesday, December 27, from 10:30 a.m.-noon, at Lori Rogers Nursing Library on the second floor of the JMS Building at Doctors Hospital. All burn survivors and their families and friends are welcome. Call Tim Dorn at 706-651-6660 or visit doctors-hospital.net. V. 22 | NO. 69

Alzheimer’s Support Group, sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets the third Tuesday of every month at 6:30 p.m., at Brandon Wilde. Call 706731-9060. Celiac Disease Support Group, sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets the third Tuesday of every month, 7-8:30 p.m., in Summerville Professional Building’s room 120. Call Rose

French Market Grille West

375 Fury’s Ferry Rd. next to Earth Fare · 706.855.5111 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 25

Cruickshank, RN, at 706-738-8253 or email roseforhealth@aol.com. AA meets every Sunday and Wednesday at 7:15 p.m. at Aiken Regional Medical Center’s Aurora Pavilion, and features an open discussion. Call 800-322-8322 or visit aikenregional.com.

9795 or visit ecgrl.org. ESL Classes at Headquarters Branch Library are offered every Wednesday at

Benefits

Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring

Narcotics Anonymous, sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets Fridays and Sundays at 7:30 p.m. Call 706855-2419 or visit trinityofaugusta.com.

Education

GED Classes at Headquarters Branch Library are offered every Monday and Thursday at 6 p.m. Registration not required. You must have a PINES library card. Call 706-863-1946. Classes are also offered at the Harlem Branch Library every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 8:30 p.m. Call 706-556-

visit justbreathestudio.com. Holiday Pet Food Drive, going on through New Year’s weekend, has drop-off locations at Animal House, Boots, Bridles and Britches, Pet Safari, Grovetown Seed and Feed, Paw Perfect Grooming Salon, Martinez Animal Hospital, National Hills Animal Hospital, Dr. Utermark’s office, Transportation Solutions, Midtown Market and Vineyard Wine Market. Those wishing to donate can also call 706-863-2067 for pickup.

Sports-Outdoors

mount up for the new year’s trail ride thursday, december 29-sunday, january 1, at lakeview plantation in fairfax, s.c. 6 p.m. To register, call Charles Garrick at 803-279-3363 or visit ecgrl.org.

a donation of a personal item, which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or

Aiken Christmas Bird Count, presented by the Augusta-Aiken Audubon Society, is Saturday, December 24, at 7:30 a.m., at Silver Bluff Audubon Center, and features all-day birding. Free. Visit augustaaikenaudubon.org/ fieldtrips.

Christmas Day Brunch December 25, 2011 | 11am-3pm

2651 Perimeter Parkay | Augusta | 706.855.8100

reservations strongly recommended

26 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

V. 22 | NO. 69

Surrey Center | 443 Highland Avenue | 706.738.8386

see them sparkle at lights of the south, through december 30 New Year’s Trail Ride is Thursday, December 29-Sunday, January 1, at Lakeview Plantation in Fairfax, S.C., and features camping, over 80 miles of marked and unmarked trails, and evening entertainment. Horses are not available for rent. Call 803-584-0689 or visit lakeviewplantation.com. Registration is now open for a 10-week class in beginning foil fencing at the Augusta Fencers Club. Designed for adults, but open to mature students as young at 14. The class meets on Thursdays from 6-7 p.m. beginning January 12, and is $150 will all equipment provided. Call 706-722-8878. Lakeside Rideouts at Hilltop Riding Stables at Fort Gordon are each Sunday beginning at 1:30 p.m. on a first-come, first-served basis. The ride, which begins at 2 p.m., is a two-hour guided ride to Wilkerson Lake. $45-$50. Call 706-7914864 or visit fortgordon.com. Guided Trail Rides at Hilltop Riding Stables at Fort Gordon are available Saturdays at 9 a.m., 10:30 a.m., noon, 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m.; Sundays at 9 a.m., 10:30 a.m. and noon; and WednesdayFriday at 11 a.m. with reservations 24 hours in advance. All trail rides are on a first-come, first-served basis, and participants should arrive 30 minutes prior to the trail ride starting for sign in procedures. $23-$30. Call 706-7914864 or visit fortgordon.com. Christmas in Hopelands continues through Friday, December 23, from 6-9:30 p.m., at Hopelands V. 22 | NO. 69

Gardens in Aiken, and features more than 100,000 holiday lights and refreshments. Free. Visitors should ride the shuttle from Fred’s parking lot on Whiskey Rd. All ages welcome. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Call 803-642-7630. Civil War 150th Anniversary Petersburg Boat Tours are Saturdays and Sundays, at 10 a.m. (Saturday) and at 1:30 and 4:30 p.m. (Sunday). This one-hour tour explores the role the canal played during the war. $12.50. Visit augustacanal.com.

chainreactionbicycles.net. Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-215-8181 or visit augustadiscgolf.com.

e g l u d In

lyn & Eve abtree r C t c es. erfe The p es in all siz m gift co

All You Need for the Big Night

Saturday Historic Trolley Tours are Saturdays from 1-4:15 p.m. at the Augusta Museum of History. Reservations required 24 hours in advance. $12. Call 706-724-4067. The Augusta Fencers Club is open five nights a week from 5:30-9 p.m. and most Saturday mornings from 10 a.m.-noon. Visitors always welcome. Call 706-722-8878. Nacho Mama’s Group Run is each Wednesday at 5:30 p.m., and features food and drinks afterwards. Threeand four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email jim@ enduranceconcepts.com. Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit

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803.380.1275

43 Crystal Lake Dr | North Augusta, SC

GowNS

~ TuxeS ~ HAir ~ mAkeup ~ NAiLS METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 27

Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706-724-6777 or visit andyjordans.com.

Yoga Class at Euchee Creek Branch Library meets every Tuesday at 4 p.m. Call 706-556-0594 or visit ecgrl.org.

either 7 or 9 p.m., and feature tours of downtown Augusta and North Augusta Christmas lights, and Merry Scary Christmas Karaoke and Holley-Trolley

Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706826-5809 or email alsalley@wrh.org. Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-8230440 or visit augustacanal.com.

Kids

Polar Express Pajama Party is Thursday, December 22, from 7-7:45 p.m., at North Augusta Branch Library, and features hot cocoa and a reading of Christmas stories, including “The Polar Express.” Children should wear their pajamas. Call 803-642-7575 or visit abbe-lib.org. Holiday Day Camps, presented by The Family Y, continue through December 31 in Aiken, Augusta, Evans, North Augusta and Thomson, from 7 a.m.-6 p.m., and feature activities for children ages 5-12. $25-$110. Register at any Family Y location, or visit thefamilyy.org. Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m., and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-6427631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

give generously to the holiday pet food drive, going on through new year’s weekend at locations throughout augusta The Spirits of the Holidays Historic Trolley Tours continue Fridays and Saturdays through December 31, at

Dessert Tour. $12-22. Pre-registration required. Call 706-364-6608 or visit augustaghosttrolley.com.

New Year’s Eve package

· 4 course Dinner for 2 · Music from “A Step Above” · Champagne Toast and Party favors · Complimentary Breakfast Buffet · Deluxe Guest Rooms Accommodations

$$199

plus tax

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28 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

V. 22 | NO. 69

Fencing for Kids, and introduction to foil fencing 10-week course for those ages 9-12, meets Tuesdays at 5:30 p.m. beginning January 10. $150. Call 706722-8878. Drop and Shop is Monday-Friday in December, from 9 a.m.-noon, at the Family Y of North Augusta, and features childcare for children 6 months-12 years of age. $9 per child per day for members; $15 per child per day for non-members. Register at any Family Y or visit thefamilyy.org.

5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706854-0149 or visit augustasoccer.com. Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:30-11:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the children’s

Thursday from 1-4 p.m., Bridge each Friday from 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m., Bingo each Tuesday at 9 a.m., Pinochle each Tuesday from 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m., and Canasta on Tuesdays and Fridays from 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Line Dancing is each Tuesday at the Weeks Center in Aiken at 10 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Simple Cooking Class meets each Monday from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org.

Volunteers

wear your best jammies for the polar express pajama party thursday, december 22, at the north augusta branch library department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com.

Preschool Story Time is every Tuesday at Headquarters Branch Library at 10 a.m. Toddler Story Time is every Wednesday at 10 a.m. Group registration required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. wwwThe Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages

DECLASSIFIED

Yoga I and II are offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 8:45-9:45 a.m. and on Mondays and Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30 p.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Crafters Night is each Monday from 6-8 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Call 706-364-5762 or visit krocaugusta.org.

Tuesday’s lap-sit at the Columbia County Library is at 11 a.m. and is for children under 2. Story time for two-year-olds is every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 10:15 a.m. and for preschoolers at 11 a.m. Group registration required. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org.

Homeschool Playgroup meets each Thursday at 10:30 a.m. at Creighton Park in North Augusta. Call 803-613-0484.

Seniors

Games for Seniors at the Weeks Center in Aiken include Rummikub each Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon, Mahjong each

Silversneakers I is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 11:15 a.m., while Silversneakers Yogastretch is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:15 a.m. at the Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Ceramics Class is offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m. on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks

Hospice Care of America’s Augusta office needs administrative and patient care volunteers. No experience necessary; training will be provided. Call Rich Boland at 706-447-2626 or email rboland@ msa-corp.com.

If you would like to see your organization’s events listed in our calendar, please email Amy Christian at amy@themetrospirit.com. The deadline for each Thursday’s issue is the previous Friday at noon.

2 GUYS AND A TRUCK $75.00 hr min of 2 hrs Have a family member with HEARING LOSS? Ask me how they can hear the TV without turning up the volume. CSRA Hearing Loops. 434.981.3004 | lmh4s@aol.com

V. 22 | NO. 69

Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from 1011 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Hobbies

Mother’s Morning Out is every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 a.m.1 p.m. at the Wilson Family Y, for children ages 3-4. The schedule follows the Richmond County school calendar. $90 a month for members; $110 a month for nonmembers. Register at any Family Y or visit thefamilyy.org.

(actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week

Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

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All declassified ads are Cash in Advance (credit card payment required) and are $40 per week. Visit metrospirit.com to place your ad in minutes. METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 29

SIGHTINGS

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Anslea Morris, Jaymie Morris, Yvette Pryor and Stephanie Rosser at Wild Wing Cafe.

Local author Don Rhodes at his book signing in Ty Cobb’s house with current owner Beverly Ford, Milledge Murray and Ann Rhodes Hall during the celebration of Cobb’s 125th birthday.

DJ Johnson, Susan Borseth, John Costello and Darci Beausoleil at the Michael Cleveland concert at the Imperial Theatre.

SIGHTINGS

Lizzie Meadows, Brandon Easter and Brittney Bosdell at the Playground.

Reid and Rebekah Henderson with former UGA Coach Vince Dooley at his book signing at the Kroger on Washington Road.

Amy Hunter, Megan Kise and Elizabeth Wood at a Merry Krunkmas Tacky Sweater Christmas Party at Sky City.

SIGHTINGS

Commander Fred Zamora with Santa (Robert Taylor) and Charles Esposito at the Wounded Warriors Christmas Luncheon at the American Legion’s Jack C. Fortune Post 205.

Ariel Daniels, Mercedes Doyle, Wanda Dunn and CPT Leonard Allen at the Wounded Warriors Holiday Dinner at the American Legion’s Jack C. Fortune Post 205.

SSG Fernando Dejesus, SPC Juan Rivera and PV2 Ashley Santiago at the Wounded Warriors Holiday Dinner at the American Legion’s Jack C. Fortune Post 205.

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>HAPPY HOUR : MON-FRI 4:30 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. DRINK SPECIALS V. 22 | NO. 69

SIGHTINGS

Kate and Jim Vinyard with Katlin and James at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

Juanita Redd, Diamond Robinson and Tracy Robinson at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

Thomas Adams, Mollie Moses, Sarah Fain and Stephen Hagler at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

SIGHTINGS

Ingrid Tutt with Greg and Kari Baker at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

Will McCranie, Tammy Burdeaux and John Krueger at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

Larissa and Bit Brittingham with Dalton and Natalie at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

SIGHTINGS

Brenda Black, David Perper and Mindy Stephens at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

V. 22 | NO. 69

Tara and Kevin Scheyer with Nopa and Felix at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

Holly Madden with Peter and Nancy Johnson at the 12 Bands of Christmas at the Imperial Theatre.

METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 31

THEEIGHT BOX TOPS

Even in limited release, Tom Cruise’s “Mission: Impossible” still comes close to beating the chipmunks and Robert Downey Jr. Damn, he’s good! RANK

TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS

TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS

$39,637,079

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED

$23,244,744

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE-GHOST PROTOCOL

$12,785,204

NEW YEAR’S EVE

$7,310,413

$24,716,167

THE SITTER

$4,608,681

$17,929,987

HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD

AMYCHRISTIAN

The movie industry’s rush to the end of the year means lots of good movies in theaters. But which ones will get an academy nod? If you’ve noticed an upswing in the number of good movies hitting theaters in the past couple of weeks, that’s just the movie industry trying to get their products with the best chances of winning a coveted Oscar nomination before the public’s — and the critics’ and the Academy voters’ — eyes before the dawn of the New Year. Great for the movie-going public, but what does it actually mean in terms of which movie execs and actors will wake up Tuesday, January 24, to find out they’ve been nominated for an Academy Award? It’s really anybody’s game at this point, but here are the Metro Spirit’s picks in the Best Picture category. Yeah, yeah… everybody watches the Academy Awards just to see what the Best and Supporting Actor and Actress nominees are wearing, but us highminded journalists just care about the films. Not the movies… the films. Just one caveat: This is based on nothing more than what has been nominated so far for the Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild Awards, both of which announced their nominees last week, as well as which ones the writers at Entertainment Weekly like. We love us some Entertainment Weekly, which just shows you how high-class we are. You may remember that, a couple of years back, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences upped the number of films that could be nominated in this category from five to 10. That’s actually the way the awards started out in the late 1920s, but the move back in 2010 has led to some, um, interesting choices as voters try to find 10 movies worthy of the title. Alien movie “District 9” in 2010 and visually fascinating but confusing “Inception” in 2011? Okay… It may, however, work to some movies’ advantage this year. The Harry Potter series, while never the most groundbreaking movie of any given year, are nonetheless near and dear to viewers’ hearts, not to mention a stunning achievement in everything from casting to translation from the written word to the screen.

Yet none of the eight movies has ever been nominated in major categories. Come on, academy: nine paltry nominations since the first film came out in 2002, not one of which was for Best Adapted Screenplay? That’s just sad. Now, there’s no excuse for nominating a movie just to throw a franchise a bone (although we know you do it all the time), but “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

32 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

Part 2” really was one of the best movies of 2011. What nine movies will, hopefully, accompany Harry to the Kodak Theatre? The one by far getting the most buzz is “The Artist,” a silent black and white film that is nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Comedy/Musical and a SAG Award for Best Ensemble Cast. The SAGs don’t honor movies themselves, just actors. However, in the past 15 years, no movie has won a Best Picture Oscar without a SAG nod in this category.

Others that look to be a lock in this category, because they have received both Golden Globe and SAG recognition, are “The Descendants,” “The Help,” “Midnight in Paris” (Woody Allen’s most popular movie, as far as box office receipts, so far) and, shockingly, the raunchy comedy “Bridesmaids.”

That’s six, which leaves four up in the air. Let’s just say that one will be a family film, since that’s what’s happened the past couple of years. There are a couple of possibilities, including the Steven Spielberg-Peter Jackson collaboration “The Adventures of Tintin,” but our bet’s on Martin Scorsese’s “Hugo,” simply because it’s not every day that Scorsese makes this kind of movie. Besides, Spielberg’s “War Horse” will probably get a nomination in this category,

V. 22 | NO. 69

simply because it’s Spielberg and it’s a war movie. The only thing working against it is that it doesn’t have Tom Hanks in it. There are lots of movies to choose from to fill the final two slots, from the popular baseball movie “Moneyball” to the obscure “The Tree of Life,” which apparently

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I BURGER MONDAYS! “The Tree of Life” will probably make it onto the list, quite frankly because this is exactly the type of movie the academy likes to nominate so they can appear smarter than everyone else who didn’t understand it. And since that choice will convince you how smart they are, academy members will use the remaining slot to nominate “Young Adult,” thus convincing the general public that they are hipper than thou as well.

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So there you have it. From the head-scratching to the theater-filling, these are our choices. Feel free to laugh and point when all our guesses turn out to be wrong on Tuesday, January 24, when the academy announces the nominees. We wouldn’t blame you one bit.

V. 22 | NO. 69

The Saints and Sinners Comedy Show is one that mixes the mainstream, working man's material of Matthew Lumpkin, with the juvenile, ego driven style of Patrick Jolle into one clever, brilliant, and downright funny show. The difference of these comedians makes this a show not to be missed. They prove that anytime an intelligent, southern, family man with a common-sense philosophy mixes with an uninhibited, trendy, single guy, with a rock star mentality everyone will find something to laugh about. Like a fresh breath of comedic air, Russell's act is like nothing you've heard before and nothing you'll forget. Bouncing from the caustic to the playful and landing somewhere in between the intelligent and the moronic, Russell delights in taking his audiences down avenues of comedy that aren't even listed on the map. If you're looking for unique and original stand-up, then look no further. METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 33

THINK. NOT A BIG BOX... NOT EVEN CLOSE

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“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” rated R, starring Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara. This remake of the acclaimed Swedish version has been all anyone in the movie industry has been talking about for months. Based on the late Stieg Larson bestseller, the book version of events is brutal enough. With David Fincher (“Se7en”) directing, however, the rape and torture scene of main character Lisbeth Salander should be even more ruthless. Survive that, though, and viewers will be in for one hell of a story. In theaters December 20, Salander portrayer Rooney Mara has already been nominated for a Golden Globe and will probably nab an Oscar nod as well. “Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol,” rated PG-13, starring Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton, Simon Pegg. Watch Tom Cruise try and refute those persistent gay rumors and prove that his age won’t stand in the way of his action-star status by swinging from the tallest building in the world while his co-stars watch in awe. Or not. In theaters December 21.

FAMILY

“The Adventures of Tintin,” rated PG, starring Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig. This motion-capture film boasts a lot of firsts: the collaboration between directors Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson (“Lord of the Rings” trilogy), Spielberg’s first non live-action movie and his first comic-book adaptation. Daniel Craig, who has two movies coming out this week, says, “Is that all you got, Spielberg?” In theaters December 21. “We Bought a Zoo,” rated PG, starring Matt Damon, Scarlett Johansson, Thomas Haden Church, Elle Fanning, Patrick Fugit. This movie has a lot working against it: It was directed by Cameron Crowe (whose work is either very good or very bad), it is unfortunately named and it seems, at least from the trailers, to rely too much on cute animals and precocious children. Matt Damon’s going to have to work hard to overcome all those roadblocks, but he’s accomplished some miracles in his career, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Opens Christmas day.

DRAMA

“Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,” rated PG-13, starring Thomas Horn, Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Viola Davis. Nine-year-old Oskar Schell searches New York for a lock that matches a key his father left him. His father, played by Tom Hanks, died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. This movie, opening on Christmas, wins a big thumbs up from critics, as well as tissue companies.

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“The Darkest Hour,” rated PG-13, starring Emile Hirsch, Olivia Thirlby, Max Minghella. Set in Moscow, the movie poster makes it look like the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse. Sadly, it’s just aliens, who have attacked our planet by using our power supply against us. Opening Christmas day.

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34 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11

“War Horse,” rated PG-13, starring Jeremy Irvine, Emily Watson, David Thewlis, Benedict Cumberbatch. Watch out, Daniel Craig — Spielberg’s got two out this week too. This one, about a young man who enlists to serve in WWI after his horse is sold to the cavalry, promises to be gut-wrenching, bordering on melodramatic.

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THE8ERS Movie times are subject to change.

Masters 7 Cinemas

December 23 A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas (R) 4:30, 9:45; In Time (PG-13) 4:15, 9:55; Puss in Boots (PG) 12:30, 2:40, 4:50, 7, 9:25; Footloose (PG-13) 1:30, 4:30, 7:30, 9:55; The Ides of March (R) 1:45, 7:15; Real Steel (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:45; Courageous (PG13) 12:45, 3:45, 6:45, 9:35; Dolphin Tale (PG) 1:15, 7:15; Moneyball (PG-13) 12:45, 3:45, 6:45, 9:35 December 24 A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas (R) 4:30; In Time (PG13) 4:15; Puss in Boots (PG) 12:30, 2:40, 4:50, 7; Footloose (PG-13) 1:30, 4:30, 7:30; The Ides of March (R) 1:45, 7:15; Real Steel (PG-13) 1, 4, 7; Courageous (PG-13) 12:45, 3:45, 6:45; Dolphin Tale (PG) 1:15, 7:15; Moneyball (PG-13) 12:45, 3:45, 6:45

Evans Cinemas

December 23 We Bought a Zoo (PG) 1:35, 4:20, 7:05, 9:50; The Adventures of Tintin (PG) 12:45, 3:15; The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (R) noon, 1:15, 3:30, 4:30, 7, 8, 10:15; Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol (PG13) 1, 4, 6:30, 7, 9:30, 10; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (G) 12:05, 12:45, 2:15, 3, 4:40, 5:20, 7:35, 9:50; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (PG-13) 12:10, 1:25, 3, 4:15, 6:15, 7:15, 9:15, 10:10; New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 12:50, 3:50, 6:40, 9:25; The Sitter (R) 6:50, 9:20; Arthur Christmas (PG) noon, 2:25, 4:50, 7:20, 9:45; The Muppets (PG) 1:05, 4:10; My Week with Marilyn (R) 12:20, 2:45, 5:10, 7:30, 9:55; The Twilight Saga: Breaking DawnPart 1 (PG-13) 7:25, 10:05 December 24 We Bought a Zoo (PG) 1:35, 4:20, 7:05; The Adventures of Tintin (PG) 12:45, 3:15; The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (R) noon, 1:15, 3:30, 4:30, 7, 8; Mission: ImpossibleGhost Protocol (PG-13) 1, 4, 6:30, 7; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (G) 12:05, 12:45, 2:15, 3, 4:40, 5:20, 7:35; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (PG-13) 12:10, 1:25, 3, 4:15, 6:15, 7:15;

New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 12:50, 3:50, 6:40; The Sitter (R) 6:50; Arthur Christmas (PG) noon, 2:25, 4:50, 7:20; The Muppets (PG) 1:05, 4:10; My Week with Marilyn (R) 12:20, 2:45, 5:10, 7:30; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) 7:25

Regal Exchange 20

December 23 We Bought a Zoo (PG) 11:15, 1:15, 2:15, 4:20, 5:10, 7:10, 8:05, 10, 10:50; The Adventures of Tintin (PG) 11, 11:35, 12:10, 1:35, 2:10, 2:45, 4:10, 4:45, 5:25, 7:25, 8:05, 10, 10:40; The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (R) 11:50, 12:45, 3:40, 4:10, 7:05, 7:35, 10:35, 10:55, 11:35; Mission: ImpossibleGhost Protocol (PG-13) 1, 1:30, 4:15, 4:45, 7, 7:30, 8, 10:15, 10:45, 11:15, 12:10; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (G) 11:55, 12:40, 2:10, 2:55, 4:25, 5:10, 7:10, 7:40, 9:25, 9:55; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (PG-13) 12:50, 1:50, 4:05, 5:05, 7:20, 8:20, 10:25, 11:15, 12:05; New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 4:30, 7:35, 10:20; The Sitter (R) 1, 4, 7:15, 9:55; Young Adult (R) 12:25, 2:50, 5:20, 7:45, 10:05; Arthur Christmas (PG) 12:05, 2:35, 5:05, 7:40, 10:10; Hugo (PG) 11, 1:55, 4:50, 7:45, 10:40; The Muppets (PG) 12:35, 3:30, 7, 9:40; Happy Feet Two (PG) 12:55; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (PG-13) 11:15, 2, 4:45, 7:30, 10:15 December 24 We Bought a Zoo (PG) 11:15, 1:15, 2:15, 4:20, 5:10, 7:10; The Adventures of Tintin (PG) 11, 11:35, 12:10, 1:35, 2:10, 2:45, 4:10, 4:45, 5:25, 7:25, 8; The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (R) 11:50, 12:45, 3:40, 4:10, 7:05, 7:35; Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol (PG-13) 1, 1:30, 4:15, 4:45, 7, 7:30, 8; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (G) 11:55, 12:40, 2:10, 2:55, 4:25, 5:10, 7:10, 7:40; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (PG-13) 12:50, 1:50, 4:05, 5:05, 7:20; New Year’s Eve (PG-13) 4:30, 7:35, 10:20; The Sitter (R) 1, 4, 7:15; Young Adult (R) 12:25, 2:50, 5:20, 7:45; Arthur Christmas (PG) 12:05, 2:35, 5:05, 7:40; Hugo (PG) 11, 1:55, 4:50, 7:45; The Muppets (PG) 12:35, 3:30, 7; Happy Feet Two (PG) 12:55; The Twilight Saga: Breaking DawnPart 1 (PG-13) 11:15, 2, 4:45, 7:30

O C E R E W

Every two seconds someone needs blood and your blood donation with Shepeard is needed now to support patients here. Shepeard partners with you to support patients in 20 local hospitals within the CSRA.

FREE TICKETS December 18-23 & 26-31 | Jan 2nd

Visit any Shepeard center or bloodmobile and receive a free movie ticket.

To find a place to donate, log on to shepeardblood.org and click on Blood Drive Calendar. Also, all December donors will receive a KISS THE DONOR apron and will be entered for a chance to win a $1,000 Visa Gift Card.

D N E M M

Our suggestion? Visit the movie theater. With all the movies coming out this week, you don’t really want to stay home and Netflix or Hulu something, do you?

V. 22 | NO. 69

ONE donation SAVEs THREE local lives

Shepeard partners with you to provide blood transfusions for critically ill patients in 18 local hospitals.

Shepeard Community Blood Center METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 35

ONE, ONE

CELEBRATING 6 YEARS AT THE MARTINEZ LOCATION.

Suzan-Lori Parks is a celebrated American playwright who has won both a Pulitzer Prize and a MacArthur Foundation “Genius” Grant. During the time between November 2002 and November 2003, she wrote a new short play every day. I think you could be almost as prolific as that in 2012. Whatever your specialty is, you will be filled with originality about how to express it.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

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Pigeons are blessed with an extraordinary ability to find home; they have an internal compass that allows them to read the Earth’s magnetic field, and they also create a “map of smells” that gives them crucial clues as they navigate. A team of scientists revealed that if their right nostril is blocked, their innate skill doesn’t work nearly as well. (It’s okay if their left nostril is blocked, though.) You’ve been like a homing pigeon with its right nostril blocked, and it’s high time you unblocked it.

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One of Alexander the Great’s teachers was Aristotle, who was tutored by Plato, who himself learned from Socrates. Draw vital information and fresh wisdom from a lineage as impressive as that. You need much more than a steady diet of factoids plucked from the Internet and TV. You simply must be hungry for more substantial food for thought than you get from random encounters with unreliable sources.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

In the world of Harry Potter, muggles are people who have no magical powers. You Aries people will lose at least some of your muggleness in the coming year. A part of your life where you’ve been inept or clueless will begin to wake up. In ways that may feel surprisingly easy, you’ll be able to fill a gap in your skill set or knowledge base.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

On January 15, 1885, Wilson Bentley photographed his first snowflake. Over the course of the next 46 years, he captured 5,000 more images of what he called “tiny miracles of beauty.” He was the first person to say that no two snowflakes are alike. Draw inspiration from his example. The coming months will be prime time for you to lay the foundations for a worthy project that will captivate your imagination for a long time — and perhaps even take you decades to complete.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

In her memoir “Blood, Bones & Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef,” Gabrielle Hamilton suggests my horoscopes were helpful as she created her New York City restaurant, Prune. “I killed roaches, poisoned their nests, trapped rats, stuffed their little holes with steel wool and glass shards,” she wrote, “while my girlfriend… walked through the place... and read me my Rob Brezsny horoscopes in support.” I would love to be of similar service as you cleanse whatever needs to be cleansed in preparation for your next big breakthrough.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

In 1992, 30,000 Americans signed a petition asking the governor of Hawaii to change the

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CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

name of Maui to “Gilligan’s Island.” Fortunately, the request was turned down. Avoid getting swept up in equally fruitless causes during the coming months. You will have a lot of energy to give to social causes and collective intentions in 2012, but it will be very important to choose worthy outlets that deserve your intelligent passion and that have half a chance of succeeding.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

The Palace of Versailles once served as home for French kings and their royal courts, and was the hub of the French government. Set on 26 acres, it has 700 rooms, 67 staircases, 6,000 paintings and 2,100 sculptures. The grounds feature 50 fountains and 21 miles of water conduits. And yet the word “Versailles” means “terrain where the weeds have been pulled.” Prior to it being built up into a luxurious center of power, it was a marsh in the wilderness. It will be your inspirational image for the coming year: a picture of the transformation you will begin.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

A guy named George Reiger is a certifiable Disney freak. He has covered his skin with 2,200 tattoos of the franchise’s cartoon characters. Draw your inspiration from cultural sources with more substantial artistry and wisdom than Disney. It will be important for you to surround yourself with the highest influences and associate yourself with the most inspiring symbols and identify yourself with the most ennobling creativity.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

In the Classical Nahuatl language of the Aztecs, the word teocuitlatl literally meant “god poop.” It was used to refer to gold, which was regarded as a divine gift that brought mixed blessings. In 2012, you will have to deal with the arrival of a special favor that carries a comparable paradox. You should be fine — harvesting the good part of the gift and not having to struggle mightily with the tough part — as long as you vow to use it with maximum integrity.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

What spell would you like to be under in 2012? Be careful how you answer that; prepare for the trickiness that life may be expressing in your vicinity. Do you really want to be under a spell — of any kind? Answer yes only if you’re positive that being under a spell will help you manifest your biggest dream. And please make sure that whoever or whatever is the source of the spell is in the service of love.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The Environmental Working Group wrote the “Meat Eater’s Guide to Climate Change and Health.” It concluded that if every American avoided eating cheese and meat one day a week, emissions would be lowered as much as they would be by removing 7.6 million cars from the roads. This is the kind of incremental shift I urge you to specialize in during 2012, whether it’s in your contribution to alleviating the environmental crisis or your approach to dealing with more personal problems. Commit yourself to making little changes that will add up to major improvements over the long haul. Rob Brezsny

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Thursday, December 22

Live Music Coyote’s - Jeremy Graham French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground - Jamie Jones Metro Pub & Coffeehouse - Jim Perkins One Hundred Laurens - Kenny George Red Pepper Cafe - Funk/Fusion Jazz Rose Hill Stables - Preston, Weston and Sandra Sky City - Festivus of Bands w/ Sibling String, Will McCraine 3, Allison Foster Surrey Tavern - The Allman Brothers Tribute Band Wild Wing - Sibling String The Willcox - 4 Cats in the Dog House What’s Tonight? Casa Blanca - Thursday Tango Club Argos - Karaoke Cocktails Lounge - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Highlander - Butt Naked Trivia The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) - Karaoke The Playground - Open Mic with Brandy Polo Tavern - DJ Nirvana Shannon’s - Karaoke Villa Europa - Karaoke The Vue - DJ Kris Fisher Wooden Barrel - ’80s Night Karaoke

Rebeck’s Hideaway - Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe - Karaoke with Steve Chappel Tropicabana - Latin Friday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Karaoke Contest

Saturday, December 24

Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse - Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold P.I. Bar and Grill - Not Gaddy Jazz What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Karaoke with Danny Haywood

Meccia Wild Wing - Christmas Acoustic Jam What’s Tonight? Caribbean Soul - Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jacks - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke, Salsa Dancing Live Music The Playground - Kyng What’s Tonight? Applebee’s (Evans) - Trivia Club Argos - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Danny Haywood Wild Wing - ’80s Karoke

What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Santoni’s Satin Dolls Cocktails Lounge - Augusta’s Got Talent Cotton Patch - Trivia and Tunes Coyote’s - Drink N Drown & DJ Jeff Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad - Jazz DJ The Playground - Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern - Karaoke w/ Tom Mitchell Somewhere In Augusta - Comedy: Saints and Sinners Tour

Tuesday, December 27

Upcoming

Monday, December 26

Live Music Cocktails Lounge - Live Music

Friday, December 23

Live Music Cotton Patch - Mike Green Country Club - Ben Wells Coyote’s - Jeremy Graham Band French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Joe’s Underground - F&B Friday w/ RedHeaded Stepchild Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Christmas Party w/ TDC Sky City - Festivus of Bands w/ The Cubists, EatLightening, Night People, Koko Beware, Deathstar Somewhere In Augusta - Daddy Grace Surrey Tavern - Stereo Reform Wild Wing - Good Times Band What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke Palmetto Tavern - DJ Tim Polo Tavern - Robbie Ducey Band V. 22 | NO. 69

209 on the River - Smooth Grooves Joe’s Underground - Sibling String Wild Wing - Old Man Crazy

Jeremy Graham Band - Coyote’s December 29 Cliff Bennett - Joe’s Underground December 29 Chad Nichols - Cotton Patch December 30 Ross Coppley - Country Club December 30 The Atom Blonde - Playground December 31 New Year’s Eve Funk You & Disco Hell Sky City December 31 Obraskai - Playground January 13 Galen Kipar Project - Stillwater Taproom - January 13 Xerxes, Code Orange Kinds, Barrow, Von Wolfe, Apart, Chondro, Panic Manor, Narratives, Dead End Sons, Dreameater - Sector 7G January 13 Jerry Seinfeld - Bell Auditorium January 19 She N She - Playground January 20 Mountsin Heart w/ Tony Rice - Imperial Theatre January 20 SidAerial - Playground January 27 Those Darlins - Sky City February 1 POPS! At the Bell w/ The Temptations Bell Auditorium February 9 Winter Jam Tour - James Brown Arena February 9

Elsewhere Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke One Hundred Laurens - DJ Kenny Ray Robbie’s - Saturday Night Dance Party w/ DJ Richie Rich and Chad Mac Tropicabana - Salsa Saturday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, December 25

Live Music 5 O’Clock Bistro - Buzz and Candice The Willcox - Mike Frost and Lauren

Fox’s Lair - John Fisher The Highlander - Open Mic Night Joe’s Underground - Jamie Jones Wild Wing - Jay Edwards The Willcox - Piano Jazz What’s Tonight? Club Argos - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Dart League Malibu Jack’s - Karaoke with Denny

Wednesday, December 28 Live Music

Dryvin N Cryin - Tabernacle, Atlanta December 23 Mike Willis, Connor Rand, Clay Evans, Noah Collins - Eddies Attic, Atlanta December 29 B. B. King - Fox Theatre, Atlanta December 30 Jason and the Scorchers - Smith’s Olde Bar, Atlanta December 30 Jim Perkins - Gnat’s Landing, Athens December 30 Mother’s Finest - Melting Point, Athens December 30 North Mississippi All Stars - Variety Playhouse, Atlanta December 30 METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 41

INMUSIC

Buble Keeps His Grip on the Top Spot on the Charts

I have to send out an official warning to the CSRA: if you are in a band and you see me in a bar while you are playing, and I look like I’ve taken down a couple adult beverages, I will confiscate your drums when you least expect it. So thanks goes out to the Eskimojitos and The Loft for not tossing me out on Friday night. I somewhat remember getting on stage and then afterwards complaining about how horrible I was. I mean, what did I expect? One of the best parts about the holidays is when people who have left town now return to grace us with their presence. On Monday night I caught now New York City resident Will McCranie performing an acoustic set at Stillwater. Good ole Willie Mac at one of my favorite bars. You can see Will’s new band, Will McCranie Trio, Thursday, December 22, at Sky City as part of the Festivus of Bands. Will’s joined on the bill that night by Sibling String, Allison Foster, Young Goodman Brown and Julia Easterlin, who performed at this year’s Lollapalooza. Oh, and I’ll be there, but not on a drum set. In news of some of the greatest bands of all time, The Beach Boys, have finally put plans together for their 50th anniversary reunion tour and have plans to play 50

dates. Which somewhat sounds crazy to me. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers have booked a major tour of North America and Europe for 2012. Both are on my bucket list so you can count me in. And on the other side of the pond, one of my heroes, Paul McCartney, will release a new album in February. No plans for touring as of yet. He only has $1,000 billion, so it’s not like he’s rushing out to make that extra cash. Another one of my favorite bands out there is The Shins, who just announced that they will release their major label debut in March. I hope the change to the major label doesn’t affect their sound, but I’ll probably buy it either way. Is seven weeks on the chart good enough to cover all the Christmas album sales for you guys? Michael Buble answers back with an overwhelming “Hell no.” The artist known as Buble still holds the top spot on this week’s Billboard charts. Not sure if his appearance on “Saturday Night Live” this past weekend will guarantee him another week as No. 1, but as I recall, no one watches that show anymore. Coming in at No. 2 was a huge debut from the Black Keys. Their latest album is called “El Camino” and it’s awesome. Enjoy. And last, proving as Michael Jackson and Elvis have before her, you can have a top 10 album after you’ve died of “complications.” Amy Whinehouse debuted at No. 5 with “Lioness: Hidden Treasures.” Wait a second? New Year’s Eve is a little over a week away? Wow, time to make plans. One stop that night will be Bar on Broad. Two great party bands in one place: Dirty Blue Dress and Augusta’s hottest new party band Acid Wash, fronted by 95 ROCK’s Big Troy. Do it. I pushed my best of 2011 back to next week since it will be the last issue of the year, so you still have time to email me your “Best Of” lists to matt@themetrospirit. com. They can be local, national or worldwide; it’s all good. And don’t forget to let me know what shows I should be checking out and what venues I should go to. Get on it. Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 2-6 p.m. on 95 Rock.

Thursday: December 22

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ONTHEBALL

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @Mattlane28.

The wait is finally over!

The NBA is back in business starting Christmas day. Let us — or just me — rejoice! For the select few of you who have been waiting as I have for the start of the NBA regular season, the wait is over. At last! There have been a ton of exciting moves so far in the off-season: Chris Paul to Lob City (Clippers), Khloe Kardashian to the city of Dallas and Kobe Bryant’s wife demanding to be anywhere Kobe Bryant is not. It’s the NBA… where the players’ wives are just as newsworthy as the players! True, to the casual fan, you’ll never notice a difference with the shortened regular season — from 82 games to 66 — mainly because you don’t start watching until after a few things happen first: — We transition into 2012 and need something to take our minds off of looking at the Mayan calendar every 15 minutes — We crown a BCS National Champion — The Super Bowl is played We live in a football driven world. That much is clear.

Atlanta Hawks

The Atlanta Hawks look for a big year coming off last year’s second round playoff exit, and also to continue their playoff-advancing standard of play. The Hawks are one of three teams who have advanced past the first round of the playoffs the past three years. The other two teams are the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers. That’s some pretty elite company there. Here’s a look at the Hawks schedule so you can catch all the excitement from the Highlight Factory and elsewhere this season.

Atlanta Hawks 2011-2012 Regular Season Schedule December Tue 27 @ New Jersey 7:30 p.m. Wed 28 vs Washington 7:30 p.m. Fri 30 vs New Jersey 7:30 p.m. Sat 31 @ Houston 7 p.m. January Mon 02 @ Miami 7:30 p.m. Tue 03 @ Chicago 8 p.m. Thu 05 vs Miami 8 p.m. Fri 06 @ Charlotte 7 p.m. Sat 07 vs Chicago 7 p.m. Mon 09 @ New Jersey 7:30 p.m. Wed 11 @ Indiana 7 p.m. Thu 12 vs Charlotte 7:30 p.m. Sat 14 vs Minnesota 7 p.m. Mon 16 vs Toronto 4 p.m. Wed 18 vs Portland 8 p.m. Fri 20 @ Philadelphia 7 p.m. Sat 21 vs Cleveland 7 p.m. Mon 23 @ Milwaukee 8 p.m. Wed 25 @ San Antonio 8:30 p.m. Fri 27 @ Detroit 7:30 p.m. Sun 29 @ New Orleans 7 p.m. Tue 31 @ Toronto 7 p.m. February Thu 02 vs Memphis 7:30 p.m. Sat 04 vs Philadelphia 7 p.m. Mon 06 vs Phoenix 7:30 p.m.

Wed 08 vs Indiana 7:30 p.m. Fri 10 @ Orlando 7 p.m. Sun 12 vs Miami 7 p.m. Tue 14 @ LA Lakers 10:30 p.m. Wed 15 @ Phoenix 9 p.m. Sat 18 @ Portland 10 p.m. Mon 20 @ Chicago 4 p.m. Wed 22 @ New York 7:30 p.m. Thu 23 vs Orlando 7:30 p.m. Wed 29 vs Golden State 7:30 p.m. March Fri 02 vs Milwaukee 7:30 p.m. Sat 03 vs Oklahoma City 7 p.m. Tue 06 @ Indiana 7 p.m. Wed 07 @ Miami 7:30 p.m. Fri 09 @ Detroit 7:30 p.m. Sun 11 @ Sacramento 9 p.m. Tue 13 @ Denver 9 p.m. Wed 14 @ LA Clippers 10:30 p.m. Fri 16 vs Washington 7:30 p.m. Sun 18 @ Cleveland 3 p.m. Mon 19 vs Boston 7:30 p.m. Wed 21 vs Cleveland 7:30 p.m. Fri 23 vs New Jersey 7:30 p.m. Sat 24 @ Washington 7 p.m. Sun 25 vs Utah 6 p.m. Most games, if not nationally televised, can be found on Fox Sports South. Check local listings.

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ADVICEGODDESS

The Cad Catalogue

Three years ago, I was divorced six weeks from a 22-year marriage when I got involved with a married co-worker and persuaded him to divorce his wife for me. He has been married five times and cheated on all of his wives. I have reason to believe he’s still having sex with his ex-wife. I’m not sure what to do. I refinanced my house a few months after meeting him and paid off his and his wife’s $14,000 credit card debt (my idea, to help him out of the marriage). He’s been repaying me $250 a month, although I also usually pay for his plane ticket here. (I moved for work.) He’s a pretty bad alcoholic. Not a mean one, just a goofy one. I know he has a bad marital track record, but he’s in his 50s; his marriage-hopping has to stop… you’d think. Crazy as it seems, I’m madly in love. He is charming, is generous and shows me he loves me in little ways — cards, phone calls, etc. Really, I’m not dumb. I’m a librarian with a master’s. But tell me: How bad is this? — Shhhh…

Oh, the charming, generous things he does, like putting your credit card back in your wallet and closing the snap. He doesn’t sound like an evil person; he just is who he is: an undercapitalized, serially married goofy drunk who’s probably sleeping with his ex-wife. Three years ago, you were just-divorced and probably panicking about your prospects, when you spotted your Mr. Right (aka, an age-appropriate, conveniently located, attractive man with a pulse). Hellooo, confirmation bias! That’s a common human irrationality — the tendency to snuggle up to information that confirms what you want to believe and to ignore any information that doesn’t. Before long, you were slammed with “cognitive dissonance,” the clash of two simultaneously held opposing beliefs — your belief that this is a worthy love thing versus how this guy goes to the altar more often than some men go to the carwash. To reduce the psychological friction of cognitive dissonance, you’re prone to justify whichever belief shines up your ego. The more some choice costs you the more driven you’ll be to defend it — like when you’ve abruptly thrown 14K at the idea that you can change a man who thinks soul mates come in six-packs. And no, you aren’t that “dumb”; you’re just that human. Deep down, you know that love — real love — is never having to say, “Are you cheating on me with your ex-wife?” Keep in mind that the term “madly in love” refers to a state where you aren’t making rational decisions. You need to get in the habit of standing back from your life and assessing what you’re doing — especially when you’re at your neediest. Recognize your human propensity to act irrationally — to let your emotions lead and then to mop up afterward with a bunch of self-justifications. If you can accept yourself as human and fallible, you won’t feel so compelled to toss less-than-flattering facts in the hall closet behind the badminton net. Be open with yourself (and even your friends) about your flaws and fears and you should start managing them in healthier ways — instead of paying off a bunch of pantsuits a guy’s wife bought five years ago at Macy’s and telling yourself you’ve found love.

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Through no one’s fault but my own, I am a rather pathetic, washed-up character — a man approaching 40, slaving away for $10 an hour and getting around on my bike after having to sell my car. Yet, I’m ever driven by my wants — for pretty ladies in their early 20s. Do I have any hope? — Seeking It’s tough attracting the ladies when you have transportation issues: “I’ll be over at 8. Wanna run behind my bike, or would you prefer to balance yourself on my handlebars?” This might fly if you’re 23 and parking your bike outside the drafty garret where you write mind-blowingly beautiful poetry or if your hobbies include shrinking your “carbon footprint” while snarling that the eco-posers tooling around in their Priuses are fouling the environment. Unfortunately, most hot young chickies willing to date a guy cresting 40 expect him to have achieved some status and position, and not a position paying slightly better than fast food. Still, if you can’t substantially increase your income, you might increase your status by making a difference. You could start and run a humanitarian organization (like Robert Werner, who started BC Digital Divide, refurbishing donated computers and giving them to the needy). But, if you do this solely to get chicks, they’ll surely see through it. Ultimately, this mostly has to be about a passion to help others, and not just to help others who are 23 and hot out of their clothes.

©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email adviceamy@aol.com. Also visit advicegoddess.com and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

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METRO SPIRIT 12.22.11 45

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

Bah Humbug!

Don’t let holiday shopping turn you into a Grinch this year When it comes to holiday shopping, do you plan ahead? Wait until the very last minute? I guess I tend to fall somewhere in the middle. I never start before Thanksgiving, but starting on Christmas Eve would make me panic. I don’t even mind braving the crowds in December, on the prowl for the perfect gift. My sole complaint about the crowds is the people. Some people shouldn’t be allowed in public. I’m not going to go into any detail with that, except to say that there are a lot of folks out there who need to learn some manners. Not only is shopping difficult and time consuming, but finding the perfect gift is nearly impossible. The gift that I think would be perfect for you may not even make your list. There’s nothing better than surprising someone with my idea of the best thing for them, though. I put a lot of thought into what I give. There’s nothing worse than buying a gift just because I have to, picking up something, anything, that can be wrapped and given. Growing up, my dad liked to trick me. “There’s no way you’re getting that for Christmas.” He would give me some

reason as to why it just wasn’t going to happen. In seventh grade, I asked for the leather bomber jacket that every other seventh grader wanted. You know, the one with the satiny world map lining. That Christmas morning, with every present unwrapped, it seemed I didn’t get the jacket. Oh, wait! What is that plastic grocery store bag over there in the corner? Inside was a neatly folded leather jacket. When I was 16, he told me I wasn’t getting a car. A few months after my birthday, we went to “just look” at a car. When the lady’s garage opened, there was a big red bow on the car. Dad had already bought it for me. Apparently I haven’t outgrown this blissful ignorance, because The Man does it to me, too. I can’t imagine how teachers feel.

They get so much crap year after year. I’m sure they’ll say they don’t mind, but how many A+ Teacher picture frames and apple cinnamon candles does one person need? A teacher friend of mine was given a silk rose that reeked of cigarette smoke, clearly purchased at the gas station on the way to school. I guess it was a nice gesture? There is a trend to give teachers cash or grocery store gift cards. Since teachers don’t get paid enough, this seems like a good way to help them get what they need for the classroom or home. I give teachers the same gift each year — a certificate for a manicure. They seem to appreciate it anyway. One year I was talking to a teacher, ready to hand over her manicure card, when she started listing and complaining

about many of the gifts she’d already gotten. She said, “Cash is so much better. We can go out and get something we actually like.” Being that specific about gifts is off-putting. I quickly tucked the certificate in my pocket. That year, I made a donation to a local charity in her name. She didn’t get squat. I feel the same frustration when I see parents waiting in line after line, spending hundreds of dollars on this specific gift that Junioress has to have or she will just die. If gift giving becomes that stressful, you’re missing the point. First of all, Christmas isn’t just about the presents. Second, gift giving is supposed to be fun, not laden with demands and specifics that are impossible to fulfill. I’ll even throw in that it’s better to give than receive. Because it is. The key to a good gift is quality over quantity. Keep it simple. Getting special things that they will love and be proud of is a good thing. Kids don’t need their entire list. Wanting for things is okay; I promise they’ll live. Give within your means and from your heart. Don’t forget to remove the price tag.

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