V23|NO50
GREGORY A. BAKER, PH.D
The Zombie Apocalypse
Gifts to help you prepare for the end of the world (or for Christmas) With everything going on this holiday season, I’m sure that most folk have forgotten that Friday, December 21, is the end of the world. Now, we don’t know how the world is going to come to an end. Will it be an asteroid like the one that took out the dinosaurs? How about a nuclear winter? Alien invasion? Hmmm, probably not. Of course, I’m still holding fast to the belief that Augusta is going to be overrun in a Zombie Apocalypse originating either from the Savannah River Site or the basement of the Medical College. (Likely, MCG) Either way, I hope that you’ve been watching your “Doomsday Prep’ers.” (Side note: Have you noticed how many people are watching “Duck Dynasty”? It’s been a topic of conversation at every Christmas party I’ve attended. We all agree that when the zombies come, they are the one family that won’t have any problem adapting to the new world. Heck, Si will fit right in.) Here’s my favorite zombie gifts for Christmas. Show some love and exchange gifts early. Chances are the zombies will be here before Santa. The first gift is sure to get everyone in the Christmas Apocalypse spirit, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies!: A Book of Zombie Christmas Carols.” This collection of zombie melodies includes holiday classics such as “I Saw Mommy Chewing Santa Claus” and “Deck the Halls with Parts of Wally.” While nothing in here will actually prepare you for the end of the world, you will certainly be in better spirits when it happens. Better yet, on amazon. com you can get this book of Zombie Christmas Carols bundled with “The Zombie Night Before Christmas” and “Jack and Jill Went Up to Kill: A Book of Zombie Nursery Rhymes.” Remember to order overnight shipping… Saturday deliver will be too late. Preparation for a Zombie Apocalypse begins first and foremost with “The Zombie
14 METROSPIRITAUGUSTA’S INDEPENDENT VOICE SINCE 1989
Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead.” Published nearly a decade ago, this guide is still the “go to” book on how to survive the hordes of undead that may be stalking you right now. The book starts with zombie physiology, then covers weapons, tactics, long-term strategy and finally presents an overview of historic zombie outbreaks. The reference guide is incredibly thorough, and every course of action is analyzed in depth to ensure the reader understands the risks and benefits. I hope you ordered it last year. If not, don’t worry. It’ll still be a great read of what you should have done. One of the toughest struggles in a post-apocalyptic society is simply finding something to eat. The food production infrastructure collapses just like everything else. Supermarket shelves are cleaned out by survivors, and what is not taken eventually rots. Hunting or farming present challenges due to the possibility of contamination. Fortunately, Harcos Laboratories has developed processing techniques to extract nutrients from Zombie biology. Zombie Blood Energy Potion promises four hours of energy derived from the extra strong green Zombie cells, and with Zombie Jerky, survivors can recycle the redead, undead into tasty teriyaki. All 100 percent mutagen free! Find these products and more at livingwithbloodlust.com/zombie. (Hey, zombies… how about them brains?) The post-zombie world will also suffer from a lack of electricity. A study shows that within 24 hours of a zombie event most portions of the United States and Canada, aside from a rare island of service in a rural area near a hydroelectric source, would be without power. Now the serious planners have already constructed survival bunkers in the outlying areas of Lincoln and Burke counties, and those bunkers are stocked with at least a year’s supply of diesel. However, many of the living will be trapped in population centers without power. For these folk, devices like the American Red Cross AXIS TurboDyne Weather Alert Radio will be invaluable. The hand-crank Turbodyne is a powerful direct power transfer device that will charge a cell phone. Frankly, I’m not sure who you’re going to call once the horde descends upon you… but hey, at least you’ll have your iTunes. So my friends, barring the end of the world, I wish you and your loved ones a safe and happy holiday! See you on the other side! @gregory_a_baker. GREGORY A. BAKER, PH.D, is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits.
20DECEMBER2012