Metro Spirit 08.11.2011 by Metro Spirit

table of contents whine line

- tom tomorrow

- thumbs up, thumbs down

insider

metro

are you not entertained

- calendar

- augusta tek

metro augusta parent

- feature

slab

- the download

- after dark

- eardrum

- art45

- sightings

- gourmet relay

- jenny is wright

- free will astrology

- nytimes crossword

- the8

- ball

- advice goddess

- austin rhodes

Want to advertise in the Metro Spirit? Call 706-496-2535 or 706-373-3636 Writer Eric Johnson eric@themetrospirit.com

Production Director Amy Christian amy@themetrospirit.com

Account Executive Account Executive Jed Capuy Brenda Carter brenda@themetrospirit.com jed@themetrospirit.com

Dr. Frances Florentino | 706.922.3376

Lead Designer Gabriel Vega gabe@themetrospirit.com Publisherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Assistant Jenn Poole jennifer@themetrospirit.com

Publisher-Sales Manager Joe White joe@themetrospirit.com INTERNS Jordan White design

Nate Lambert editorial

Geetu Vailoor editorial

cover design

Michael Johnson sightings photographer

KRUHU kruhu.com

Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.ÂŠ 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

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whineLINE Janiris V.M. open your heart to The Gringo...

thousand pound vehicle is on top of your ass!

I am amazed by this guy who says he is having a hard time finding fat women around here. All I can say is where is this guy originally from, Samoa? There are no shortage of fat people of both genders in Augusta. It’s like a Fat mecca. There is a reason why we have so many buffets and fast food places here. I’m slightly overweight myself but when I moved here over a year ago I felt skinny compared to everyone else I saw.

I have to say, I live in Augusta and never go out to Columbia County. Last week I had to go to the courthouse and Oh My! The amphitheater they are building is unbelievable! I can’t wait to go there!

Just because it is legal to ride a bicycle on the roads doesn’t always makes it a great idea. In a collision with an automobile the cyclist will always lose. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. So, some of you cyclists can continue to argue how cars should “share the road” and I will take my bike to the trail where I will be alot safer. judging from last weeks whine lines. Looks like coco’s chickens.... have come home to roost... I attended Augusta Idol 2011 on First Friday. I was alright, it would have been a lot better had I been able to hear every contestant. There should have been Ushers escorting all the “Riff-Raft” out that couldn’t keep their mouths shut for the entire 30 seconds given to each contestant. Note to car dealers: Obnoxious balloons and tents dont make me want to buy an overpriced car. Parking Lot Etiquette: When walking through a parking lot watch for the cars backing out Chances are they “Can’t see you” and your nasty attitude and Rude LOOKS won’t help you when a couple

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why are you printing all the trash talk about Coco? No one in Augusta has done more than he has for our community. He is completely selfless. Everything he does is to benefit others. Is that what the problem is? I LOVE Laura Fortune. Please keep her! If you have to lose someone, please let it be that creepy news guy from the 70’s. Now that was pretty cool seeing the METROPOLITAN Spirit logo on the paper again. Maybe you should consider using it more often. This a whine for all these faux society clubs like Young Professionals of Augusta (YPA). Didn’t we outgrow these popularity cliques when we graduated from high school? Can I go the movies just once without it being ruined by The Gypsies? It never fails. I pay good money to go see a new movie and there’s that same band of gypsies talking on their cell phones and getting up and leaving and walking back in the theater constantly. And what’s with the way they dress up those little girls they bring them? That is creepy, like something from that show Toddlers and Tiaras. Maybe the guy sending in the whines about looking for BBWs is Sir Mix-a-lot.

whineline@themetrospirit.com

More Mugshots Need your mugshot fix but don’t feel like waiting another week? Check out lookwhogotbusted.com, and pick Augusta-Richmond County or Columbia County from the menu on the right-hand side of the page. Once you do, you’ll see the shots of the previous day’s arrests and there’s no telling who you’ll find. Billy Dee Williams makes an appearance, as well as a surprising number of people angling for next week’s cover of The Jail Report. It’s easy to pick them out — they’re the ones smiling.

WE RECOMMEND Someday the people of this village will have to face El Guapo. In a way, all of us have an El Guapo to face someday. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big dangerous guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo who also happens to be the actual El Guapo. A live remote from a rock station at the opening of a subdivision in Columbia County? Such a rock show With 435 members in the House of representatives and only about 83 are connected with the TEA Party, then the others must be complete wimps if they let 83 people terrorize them. The complaint has long been that we need leaders with a backbone...Perhaps in the next election we can vote in many more TEA party members! Well the fake aristocracy of Augusta who I call The Cake-Eaters seem to feel a bit threatened by this other new group calling themselves The CAVE People. I guess they are starting to realize that the gig might be up and people are wising up to all their back-room wheeling and

dealing and sugar coated promises that never come true. I just went to the Merle Haggard concert. I am a huge fan of his and of classic country in general. I was prepared for there to be a heavy ratio of rednecks there but I was unprepared for what I witnessed. Let’s just say this crowd made the Jerry Springer show seem like Masterpiece Theater. For the owners of the property that parks RVs during tournament week, your neighbors have really enjoyed having to witness your outdoor Jack Russell terrier and friend penned during 100 degree temps and thunderstorms on Rae’s Creek. The Humane Society of the United States considers tying up an animal and keeping animals in extreme heat and cold animal cruelty; sadly the state of Georgia does not. However, you probably are spoiling those little dogs with that kiddie pool you have in their pen. Why in the world do we have so many good musicians in this town and yet they are NEVER given the opportunity to show their talent? Who appointed “CoCo” to be a wanna be talent scout? Its folks like Co-Co and Joe S that prevents professional musicians the opportunity to get paid for excellent talent.

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 5

Mosquito Reduction Pest Control Sentricon Termite Colony Elimination Nuisance wildlife Management TAP Insulation Leaf Defier Home Improvement

AUGUSTA 706.737.4120 6 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

MARTINEZ 706.860.0116

AIKEN 803.641.0144

LEXINGTON 803.732.2669 V. 22 | NO. 51

INSI ER INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

The Kingfish Moved to Columbia County? The deadline to qualify for the special election for Columbia County Probate Court judge passed at noon on Aug. 5 with only one candidate, Alice Padgett, qualifying and paying the fee of $2,173.02. The election is being held to fill the office vacated by the recent death of long-time Columbia County Probate Judge Pat Hardaway, who served the county in her office for 30 years. At this point in time, anyone wishing to run for the position as a write-in candidate must file a notice of intent to run with the County Board of Elections by this Friday, Aug. 12, and pay the appropriate fee. Padgett, an associate probate judge since last year, will automatically take office without the election being held in the

event that no other candidate qualifies as a write-in candidate. While the Insider is pleased with the $40,000 that the taxpayers will save if the election is not contested, we hate the fact that there is no other party interested in this important county office. Some legal insiders speculate that the political forces behind Padgett have driven off any interest in the position from contesting parties. It’s no secret that Padgett is the wife of influential and popular Superior Court Judge J. Wade Padgett and has the backing of the powerful judicial forces. Hardaway seemingly anointed Padgett with the position by selecting her as associate judge, a position that is not clearly warranted. With the backing of Superior Court

Chief Judge Carlisle Overstreet, who appointed Padgett, and cooperation of Clerk of Superior Court Cindy Mason, who declined the office awarded her by law at Hardaway’s passing, Padgett has now assumed the advantage of incumbency in the election. It looks like the power brokers have executed the plan. Maybe this is a good thing. By all accounts, Padgett is a capable and effective attorney with experience in the position. Her character has always been unassailable. Maybe that is not a good thing. Having not only the probate judge but also a superior court judge, both of whom are capable of sitting on the bench for another 25 or so years, in one household

puts an awful lot of power at one breakfast table. It certainly does not help public perception to enter the office without an election, which is what it appears is about to happen. It is of concern that lawyers potentially interested in the position may have abandoned thoughts of running for fear of incurring the wrath of Superior Court Judges Padgett and Overstreet. Elections mean something. The probate court judge handles many misdemeanor cases including DUIs, issuance of gun permits and marriage licenses, and probate and administration of estates of the deceased. The judge can put people in jail. And it looks like she’s about to take the office without an election.

BradFly Returning? BradFly Owens, responding to rumors that he might be making a return to the Augusta political scene, admitted to the Metro Spirit that he was considering leaving the overseas security work that has kept him away from the city he so wants to be known in. According to some, the former DDA board member may be planning on drawing an investigative bead on the DDA, the Tax Commissioner’s office and absentee landlords. All he’ll say is that his six years of security contracting has left him with a unique skill set that would help him in the office (not sheriff, but more than likely rented, what with his chances of holding elected office being slim to none, and slim just left town) that he’s considering. One of those skills must be prowling Augusta message boards espousing his many opinions. Must be pretty slow in the security-contracting world. He claims to have no solid plans, but given his inability to walk away from the Garden City, you’ve got to figure he’s giving it a serious thought.

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up THUMBS

Cowboy Mouth grew on us as Saturday evening progressed.

down THUMBS

Hey Raoul: We’ll display Ott in our office. We like controversy.

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 7

metro Eric Johnson

Hot Seat

Russell takes some heat from both sides of the commission

In nearly three hours worth of committee meetings, Administrator Fred Russell was pressed hard regarding the cost savings of the reorganization plan. Predictable but fundamental battle lines were drawn between Russell and

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Commissioner Bill Lockett regarding the compensation of city employees, particularly the four division directors who received additional duties in the reorganization. Lockett, who chairs the Administrative Services committee,

brought a broad and somewhat convoluted request to Russell, asking him in part to “discuss rationale utilized to determine which department directors would/will be required to reapply for their jobs as opposed to those directors that will not have to

reapply.” “Let’s start at the back and work our way forward,” Russell said after thinking about the request. “You got any problem with going from front to back?” Lockett fired back. V. 22 | NO. 51

rift between the two is clear. Russell believes in rewarding the directors he’s saddled with more responsibilities, while Lockett seems unwilling to value their contributions until other workers get paid more. “I truly believe that directors should be paid what they’re worth; however, being assigned additional duties didn’t necessarily require additional hours,” he said. “What it required was that these directors work smarter. I indicated before, and I’ll do it again, that I don’t believe any director because he or she has received additional duties in this day and age should receive a pay increase before the workers, the ones who would probably qualify for welfare because they haven’t received a pay increase in so long.” Russell, of course, viewed the situation differently. “I think if you do not continue to pay people at a level that is appropriate and one that actually reflects what they do and what you expect of them, you’re going to end up losing these people,” he said. “And as we’ve learned over and over again, cheaper is not particularly better. Cheaper is only cheaper. It’s not a way to move forward.” Lockett seemed more than happy to

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move on without them. “I think if any director feels that he or she is so relevant to this organization that they don’t agree to continue to work at their current salaries, maybe we should be looking for someone else, Mr. Administrator.” Russell, who admitted each had received a 15 percent pay increase because that was the upper limit of what he was allowed to authorize, continued to hammer home the idea that without adequate compensation, the directors could choose to leave and that it would be a bad thing. “If you want to break that team up over a small amount of money, then in my mind you’re not being a good steward of the dollars that are given to us,” he said. “We’ve got to improve what we’re doing and that comes with a cost, and that cost in this case, in my mind, is a small increase in the salaries of those people that are leading the charge.” Finance Chair Jerry Brigham, himself an accountant, kept clear of this debate, but weighed in with his request to receive an estimate of the savings from the personnel reduction. “Mr. Administrator, I gave you plenty of notice on this, so I’m hoping I have a report,” Brigham said. “You did,” Russell said, “but

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unfortunately you gave me notice on a moving target.” How can the city administrator not know how much money his program is saving? “Because of the thoroughness in which we looked at the project, those numbers have been reduced simply because we’re later in the process than we thought we would be,” he said. “By eliminating some positions there are some savings that are going to be there, but those savings are kicked back by some of the increases that we’ve had.” The estimate he gave, $400,000, was a long ways from the $1.5 million he initially predicted, but he continued to insist the number was tough to pin down. Ultimately, Brigham directed Russell to come back with some hard numbers by the next committee meeting. “I think everybody up here wants hard figures,” he said. “We’re not trying to be hard-nosed about this, but we’re getting pressure from everybody about what we’re doing and what we’re not doing. We need to have some number that we can give to the public so that they’ll understand what has taken place.”

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“No, not at all,” Russell replied. “I’m not too sure what you’re asking in reference to applying and not applying for their positions.” “Well, you tell me what you think I’m asking and then I’ll follow up,” Lockett said. “If that’s okay with you.” Lockett has been consistently critical of Russell’s reorganization and has long voiced his dissatisfaction with the way the city handles pay adjustments, but seldom has he badgered Russell to the degree he did Monday. When Russell paused after explaining that the four directors in question — Tom Beck, Mark Johnson, Abie Ladson and Tim Wiedmeier — accepted additional duties rather than being asked to reapply for their jobs, Lockett took an aggressive tone. “Okay — are you taking a break there, or have you got more?” “I was just making sure I’m going down the path that you’ve set for me, sir,’” Russell said. “Go right ahead,” Lockett said. “I’m listening.” Adding to the drama is the fact that, because of the layout of the commission chamber, Russell has his back to Lockett in situations like this. Though such sparring delights commission watchers, who remember the rough and tumble old days, the

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TURN WEIRD n e w s

The elegant, expansive, gleaming new glass-and-concrete indoor stairway at the Common Pleas Courthouse in Columbus, Ohio, opened recently, to mostly rave reviews for its sense of space and light, creating the feeling of walking suspended on air. However, as Judge Julie Lynch and other women soon discovered, the glass partitions at each step make it easy for perverts to gawk from underneath at dress-wearing women using the stairs. “(Y)ou’re on notice,” Judge Lynch warned her sister dresswearers, “that you might want to take the elevator.” Cultural Diversity A clumsy smuggler (who managed to get away) failed to contain the dozens of king cobras and other snakes he was transporting from Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam to Hanoi (probably to be sold illegally to restaurants). After panic broke out on the train and police were called, the snakes were collected and turned over to a sanctuary. (Upscale restaurants can charge as much as the equivalent of $500 for a meal of king cobra, beginning with the selection of the snake, and having it killed at tableside, on to a serving of a snake’s-blood appetizer. In one survey, 84 percent of Hanoi’s restaurants were serving illegal wild animals of some sort, including weasel, monitor lizard and porcupine.) Latest Religious Messages In July, after India’s Supreme Court ordered an inventory, a Hindu temple in Trivandrum was found to contain at least $22 billion worth of gold, diamonds and jeweled statues given as offerings to the deity by worshippers over several centuries. The wealth was until now believed to be the property of India’s royal family, but the Supreme Court ruling turns it over to India’s people. V. 22 | NO. 51

o f

t h e

Authorities believe the “$22 billion” figure is conservative. The notorious Santa Croce monastery in Rome was closed in May (and converted to an ordinary church) on orders from the Vatican following reports about Sister Anna Nobili, a former lapdancer who taught other nuns her skills and who was once seen lying spreadeagled before an altar clutching a crucifix. Santa Croce was also an embarrassment for its luxury hotel, which had become a mecca for celebrities visiting Rome. Questionable Judgments Roy Miracle, 80, of Newark, Ohio, passed away in July, and his family honored him and his years of service as a prankster and superfan of the Ohio State Buckeyes with a commemorative photo of three of Miracle’s fellow obsessives making contorted-body representations of “O,” “H” and “O” for their traditional visual cheer. In the photo, Miracle assumed his usual position as the “I” — or, rather, his corpse did. Cutting-Edge Research It’s good to be an Arizona State University student, where those 21 and older can earn $60 a night by getting drunk. Psychology professor Will Corbin, operating with National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism grants, conducts studies of drunk students’ memories, response times and decisionmaking processes through extensive questioning — after he has raised their blood-alcohol level to precisely 0.08 percent (which Arizona regards as presumed-impaired for drivers). Students are served one type of vodka cocktail, three drinks’ worth, in a bar-like room on campus, and after 15 minutes to let the alcohol be absorbed, the questioning and testing begin. (At the end of the night, taxis are called for the students.) Least Competent Criminals Ryan Letchford, 21, and Jeffrey Olson, 22, were arrested in Radnor, Pa., in July after they had broken into a police van for the purpose of taking gag photos of themselves as if they were under arrest. However, the men somehow locked themselves inside the van, and neither they nor a friend they had called to come help could figure out how to open the doors. Finally, they were forced to call 9-1-1. Police arrived, unlocked the van, arrested the men and locked them back up — inside a cell.

of the

CENTURY

A look back at the news the Metro Spirit was covering at the turn of the century

August 10, 2000 In the Metro Beat story, Stacey Eidson looks into allegations of police misconduct in the Sheriff’s Department. Since last October, the Augusta Human Relations Commission has received 28 complaints alleging police brutality or misconduct by the officers of the Richmond County Sheriff’s Department. All the complaints were sent to the internal affairs division of the sheriff’s department for review. All of them came back unwarranted. Even though the human relations commission is tasked with the responsibility of reviewing social disturbances, when it comes to issues dealing with the sheriff’s department, [Human Relations Commission Director] Frank Thomas says the commission’s hands are tied. Following the shooting death of an unarmed black man named Alfaigo Davis by two white deputies on Feb. 21, 1998, there was an outcry in the black community for the formation of a citizens’ review board. This board would be responsible for reviewing disciplinary matters and civilian complaints involving the sheriff’s department. But last year, after months of vowing to work with the human relations commission to establish the mediating body, Sheriff Charlie Webster decided there would be no citizen’s review board. Commissioner Lee Beard said, regardless of who hears citizen complaints, the sheriff’s department needs to seriously look at claims of police brutality. “Chief Hatfield, there is a lot of this going on in the community,” he said. “And as a top person in the sheriff’s department, I would hope that you would bring this to the attention of the sheriff and other personnel in your department, so they can work on this.” “Gentlemen, I will be delighted to convey that request to the sheriff, but I will come back only when he instructs me to,” Hatfield said.

The commissioners were taken aback by Hatfield’s response. “I think the chief made it clear who his boss is,” Mays said. He suggested that, if such an attitude of separation exists among the commission and the sheriff’s department, maybe the commission should take a “hands off” approach to the sheriff’s department in the future. Beard agreed, stating, if the sheriff was not willing to discuss such serious issues with the commission, that maybe the commission should review its relationship with the sheriff’s department. “I think Chief Hatfield’s answer was very clear and I hope the commissioners understood his answer,” Beard said. “But I also hope that the commission understands that the pendulum swings both ways. Later in the paper, Music Director Donald Portnoy was profiled. Remember him? This was back before anyone had heard of a guy named Z, of course, or dreamed of calling the Augusta Symphony anything but the Augusta Symphony. Not only are Augusta Symphony’s Masterworks selling out, Maestro Donald Portnoy is bringing the symphony to all residents of the CSRA. The Discovery Series, which started out as an interactive program between Symphony members and elementary students in the CSRA, has been continually expanded over the past five to seven years. This program now includes a Minority Outreach Program for inner-city schools and Discovery Concerts for elementary- and middleschool students throughout the CSRA. Portnoy said that music has a positive effect on everyone and no one should be excludedfromthekindofexperienceanorchestra can bring to a person’s life. “I am very proud of what we have been able to accomplish with the outreach programs,” said Portnoy. “I think by targeting young people of all backgrounds, more people will take an interest in music.”

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 11

Honest Injun

Police Blotter

Arrowheads threaten to wound project

August 5 in Augusta-Evanez

Friday at Midnight On East Espinosa Drive, someone broke into a ’99 Ford Expedition to take a CD player and an amp valued at $150. Friday at 1:04 a.m. On Woodland Drive, the complainant went to the residence of a person he owed money to for painting a bathroom for him. A physical altercation ensued in which the complainant was punched in the left eye. He wants to prosecute but he did get out of paying the money he owed. Friday at 1:30 a.m. On Broad Street, another argument broke out over money owed. The complainant got in the elevator with the subject who pointed a silver gun at her. She does not want to prosecute.

Flinty remnants from Augusta’s past might be complicating Columbia County’s plans at the Gateway development off of I-20 near Grovetown. During a permitting process required before the county can extend a road across a stream and connect county land with the rest of the project, an environmental investigation discovered some Indian artifacts. In the early days of Augusta’s history, Indians from as far away as Alabama would regularly travel to Augusta to do business with the Scotch-Irish traders, so the discovery of Indian artifacts along the trail isn’t entirely surprising, though the degree to which the site might be historic has yet to be determined, which is why the county had some decisions to make at the last commission meeting. “They gave us two options,” Construction and Maintenance Director Matt Schlachter said. “They said we could go out and do a fullblown study where you go out there and do a lot of digging and find out what’s really there, or we could protect it until a fully study can be done.” According to county attorney Doug Batchelor, putting the land in a protective covenant will satisfy the

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Corps of Engineers while allowing the county to receive the permit it needs to continue its work. Should the property owners ever decide they want to disturb the land in preparation for a development of their own, they would have to conduct a full study to determine if the find is historically significant or not. Such a study is likely to cost the family between $10,000 and $12,000. Even though the site is not on county property, the county still has to sign the covenant because the work falls under the county’s permit. Since the county signed the application, they had to sign the covenant. Schlachter estimates he should receive the permit a few days after the family signs the covenant, which they’ve agreed to do. The initial environmental investigation that turned up the arrowheads cost the county around $6,500. “We use an environmental guy who deals mostly with streams and wetlands,” he said. “He does a lot of walking and kind of scratches the surface in random spots that look like they could be potential sites. It’s just a very preliminary investigation.” The site that’s being impacted is the

extension of Partnership Drive. “The county owns the property for the road, so we’re going to build that road over the creek, which is why we had to go back and revise our permit,” he said. “Basically, we are going to stub this road out as far as the county property goes. We are going to stop it on county property and that way further development could come in and tie into that road.” That further development is where the investigation found the arrowheads. Partnership Drive turns off the main road and loops around the exhibit hall the county is planning to build and share with the Family Y. Seventy-five percent of the road is cleared and graded. The remaining 25 percent needs the Corps permit before it can be completed.

Friday at 1:30 a.m. On 15th Street, a couple got into an argument while staying at a hotel. The complainant packed her stuff and her boyfriend took off with it in a Ford pickup truck. She wants to prosecute. Friday at 2:30 a.m. On Wrightsboro Road, an officer had an issue with a recently detained subject. Seems he didn’t want to go to jail and proceeded to kick the left rear window out of the patrol car and flee the scene. He had outstanding warrants in two counties. His disorderly conduct charge was upgraded to interference with government property and escape. Friday at 3 a.m. On Iron Horse Drive, the complainant and her boyfriend got into an argument which resulted in her head being slammed into the car door and her spoiler being taken off her car and ripped in half. She does not want to prosecute but wants him to pay for the repairs and stay away from her. Friday at 3:09 a.m. On Emmett Street, the complainant got pushed down because he picked up someone’s puppy that wasn’t his. Stories are still not completely clear on what happened. He refused medical treatment and the subject was not at V. 22 | NO. 51

the scene. Friday at 3:27 a.m. On Sycamore Drive, an argument broke out after the subject attempted to hit the complainant with someone else’s vehicle because the subject wouldn’t let the complainant drive his vehicle without a valid license. He wants to prosecute for his hurt hip. Friday at 3:30 a.m. On Boykin Road, an unknown subject decided to shoot up the complainant’s vehicle and shoot in their front window, which destroyed their display case. The shots did awaken them but none of the six residents saw anything. Friday at 3:30 a.m. On MLK Boulevard, the complainant was chased down by two unknown black males, who beat him up and then fired a warning shot in the air before taking $200 from his pockets. He does wish to prosecute. Friday at 3:47 a.m. On Fayetteville Drive, the subject kicked down the door and fled the scene but not before leaving a pair of the complainant’s ex’s underwear, T-shirt and basketball shorts, all with obscene messages written on them, and being spotted by the subject. She does wish to file a warrant. Friday at 4:13 a.m. On Perimeter Parkway, a scorned lover put her ex in a headlock and begins punching him in the face because he was with another woman and wouldn’t return her EBT card and she needed groceries. The altercation had to be broken up with the use of pepper spray. Both parties were taken to jail and charged with simple battery. Friday at 4:45 a.m. At a club on Gordon Highway, someone broke in and ripped the ATM right out of the wall. The owner wishes to prosecute. Friday at 4:54 a.m. On Summit Place, the complainants were awakened by unknown subjects in their home. Some of the items taken were a flat screen, cell phones and a laptop. The complainant gave the officer a list of businesses that had been out to provide services to her house within the last week. She does want to prosecute. Friday at 5:17 a.m. On Dan Bowles Road, an ex girlfriend came wanting money. When told no by the complainant, she scratched him up and threw a brick through the front windshield of his vehicle. She fled the V. 22 | NO. 51

scene and he was advised of the warrant procedure. Friday at 6 a.m. At a convenience store on Deans Bridge Road, the owner reported the tampering with one of his fuel pumps which resulted in almost 500 gallons of gas to be pumped without payment. Friday at 6:23 a.m. On Stagecoach Way, an officer was dispatched on report of a suspicious vehicle. The subject was found out of gas and sleeping in the passenger side seat. The officer got to subject gas and found out after running the subject’s name he had a suspended license. The officer advised him not to drive and left him and parked nearby to complete paperwork. Subject drove past officer resulting in traffic stop in which the subject fled on foot behind the Lexus dealership leaving the rental car which was returned and a warrant was issued. Friday at 7:40 a.m. On Santa Rosa Drive, an unknown subject entered a residence through a faulty sliding glass door and stole $22,000 worth of electronics and jewelry. She wants to prosecute if subject is located. Friday at 8 a.m. On Jefferson Drive, the complainant received several phone calls and text messages wanting her to come downtown to get her butt whipped and if she didn’t the subject would get her when they started back school. The victim does want to prosecute. Friday at 11:26 a.m. On 3rd Avenue, the victim stated that someone had racked up a $332.38 IRS tax bill using her information to file taxes in 2010. She knows it wasn’t hers because she had been disabled and unable to work for quite some time. Friday at 11:30 a.m. On Bonnie Place, an unknown subject walked into a house to steal a Playstation 3, leaving all other valuables untouched. Friday at noon On Shady Lane, someone walked away with an entire AC unit. The threeton unit was valued at $3,000. Friday at noon On Broad Street, someone else walked away with a white electric stove. Friday at noon On Richmond Hill Road, a door was kicked in and items including an Xbox 360 and iPod Touch were stolen. Victim was notified at work. He does want to

prosecute. Friday at 12:14 p.m. On Maywood Drive, two brothers got into a verbal altercation which lead to threats of a gunfight and then a physical altercation all because one of the brothers was tired of the other “disrespecting mama” and wanted to set him straight. The subject said he argues with his mama all the time. The subject was notified that he was being placed under arrest for disorderly conduct which led to a brief foot chase but, in the end, the law prevailed. Friday at 1 p.m. On Belair Road a parent reported her daughter’s iPod Touch was stolen at the daycare center she was attending. She wants to prosecute no matter who and how old the subject is once identified. Friday at 1:40 p.m. In a trailer park on James Drive in Hephzibah, words were exchanged but no physical altercation resulted. Someone said they were going to kick someone’s ass resulting in that person saying they were going to get a gun and shoot them. This led to a small car chase where they arrived somewhere else only to repeat the same verbal exchange. No charges were issued to any of the four people involved. Friday at 2 p.m. On Champion Pines Court, the complainant came home to find his flat screen stolen. An acquaintance wanted money from him and when he couldn’t give her any she threatened to take the TV. He should’ve taken her seriously. Friday at 3:30 p.m. At the big superstore on Bobby Jones Expressway, the subject tried to make a run for it with four pair of Dickies coveralls in her purse. She was apprehended at the door and booked in the Columbia County Jail for shoplifting. Friday at 4 p.m. On Espinosa Drive, a friend of the victim’s walked out of her residence with her T-Mobile touch screen telephone. Friday at 5 p.m. On Plantation Road, an unknown subject took a child’s camo-colored four wheeler and the father’s collection of chainsaws. They want to prosecute.

rolled around and got filthy from the dirt. Fortunately this was all captured on a camera phone but unfortunately the officer wasn’t given permission to watch it. No one involved was arrested. Friday at 8 p.m. On Harold Road someone entered a home and touched absolutely nothing before leaving in the same way they came in. Complainant will prosecute. Friday at 8:24 p.m. On Lewis Road, the victim was struck in the face by his drinking buddy. No charges were filed. Friday at 8:30 p.m. At the intersection of Washington Road and Furys Ferry, the subject got upset that the victim who was to be their designated driver caught a ride with someone and left the bar early. So upset, in fact, that the subject threw the victim’s Mac Book, soldier study guide, and boxing gloves out the window. Luckily, the victim doesn’t want to fight the subject, he just wants him put in jail. Friday at 9:15 p.m. On Mickey Drive, the victim came home to her computer, two of her TVs, iPod, and camera gone. She will prosecute. Friday at 10 p.m. On East Telfair Street Extension, the victim told the subject she no longer wanted to be with him, which led to a verbal altercation and then the subject punched her and took off with her cell phone. She wants him to go to the pokey. Friday at 11 p.m. On Redwood Drive, the last flat screen TV of the night is stolen out of a residence. She wants to prosecute too. Friday at 11:30 p.m. On Grenada Lane, someone entered the complainant’s vehicle and stole her tiger print purse and left everything else untouched. She wants to prosecute and hopes to get her purse back. Friday at 11:47 p.m. On Broad Street, a drug deal went wrong when a very intoxicated yet very jittery victim filed a report that an unknown black man snatched a $100 bill from his hand. When asked if it was a drug deal, the victim would not comment. He wants to prosecute.

Friday at 5:59 p.m. On Wrightsboro Road, a serious girl fight broke out because two girls didn’t like each other. Clothes were ripped off and punches were thrown all while they METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 13

Lake Value

Columbia County plans to maximize its tourism dollars by sailing downriver

It’s not often you hear someone position Columbia County as an underdog, but Ron Cross’ compliment to Convention and Visitors Bureau Executive Director Beda Johnson and the county’s hoteliers came with a tinge of map envy. “They don’t have an easy task,” he said. “We don’t have a beach in Columbia County and we don’t have a mountain range.” In spite of such limitations, Johnson’s annual tourism report was exceedingly positive. Not only did the county move up two spots on a list tracking the economic impact of tourism, but the numbers she threw around were impressive: Tourism moved $115 million into the local economy — including $4.2 million in state sales tax and $3.62 in county sales tax — and workers in the hospitality industry injected $22.5 million into the economy thanks to their paychecks. In fact, Johnson was able to give Cross a big cardboard check for $259, which represented the amount of tax relief the tourism industry brought to each person in Columbia County. Given the obstacles against it, the five-year-old CVB is feeling pretty

proud of itself. Not only has it simplified its mission statement into “elevator speech” form, it will be moving out of the Government Center, where the county had been providing free office space. “It’s time for us to move out and start paying our own way,” Johnson said. And while the county has scored some big name events like the NCAA Men’s and Women’s Soccer Championships and its hoteliers

managed to beat expectations by increasing their revenue per available room, Johnson and other business leaders know that Cross was right — when it comes to natural recreational opportunities, Clarks Hill and the Savannah River are pretty much it. Which is why they’re doing all they can to increase their exposure. “We try to educate our hotel front desk staff to let people know that the lake isn’t as far as they think it is

and then give them all clear, concise directions to get there,” she said. To get the most out of those resources, the CVB and the Development Authority are planning to put together a Port and Corps Day. “We’re going to take county leaders from both of our boards as well as some political officials to go down to visit Col. Hall, who is the district manager of the Savannah Office of the Corps of Engineers, to introduce ourselves and also find out what their long-term plans are for the lake,” she said. Because the Corps of Engineers controls the lake, Johnson and Post felt meeting with Col. Hall and learning what they can about future projects will help ensure their missions align. “The one thing I told them to get the appointment was we’re not going to talk about water levels,” she laughed. In addition to the Corps, the delegation will also travel to the Port Authority to discuss issues that will affect the lake stemming from the harbor deepening project.

A Gassy County

Columbia County is experiencing more than its usual number of gas leaks; officials wonder if fiber is to blame

For those who receive Pam Tucker’s email updates, it seems as if Columbia County’s natural gas infrastructure is crumbling, given the number she’s sent out regarding gas leaks. But Tucker, who is the county’s emergency and operations director, insists we only know the half of it. “I only send out notifications if they’re large and a road is going to be closed,” she says. “If I sent out notifications for all of them, you really would get a lot of emails. Between the heat advisories and the gas leaks… oh, my.” Tucker attributes most of the leaks to construction of the $18 million Columbia County Community Broadband Utility (C3BU) project, which is laying 220 miles of fiber across the county. “When Knology came in behind Comcast about eight or nine years ago, the same thing happened,” she says. “It’s inevitable that you’re going to have gas leaks and lines hit, even though they do ask for the markings

14 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

before they dig.” According to Tucker’s records, the county has experienced 24 gas leaks since the first of the year, which she says is comparable to the Knology year almost a decade ago. Because most are simply service lines that don’t jeopardize residents or require road closures, the vast majority of leaks are handled quickly and without incident. Fire trucks secure the area while gas crews fix the problem. For the few that require more effort, Tucker sends out the email notifications so she can eliminate panic in those who smell or otherwise encounter the leak while helping those in cars choose an alternate route. Though gas leaks of any kind are always potentially hazardous, Tucker says these incidents are nowhere near as dramatic as the liquid propane leak last year in McDuffie County that killed a county commissioner’s son. While grading his yard with a bulldozer, Paul McCorkle ruptured the Dixie Pipeline, which carries liquid

propane from Texas to the Carolinas. McCorkle received freeze burns from the propane and the blaze burned for 24 hours before pipeline employees could shut off the flow. In April, Columbia County emergency officials conducted an exercise to test their preparedness for a similar propane leak. “These are not those kinds of lines,” Tucker says. “If you had an ignition

source right there, the gas could ignite, but I’ve never known any of these do that. More than anything, it’s an irritant to the responders and the gas company and to everybody else, especially when a road is closed.” With the inner and outer rings of fiber set to be completed in December, you can expect to here from Pam Tucker a few more times.

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Baby Steps

Before Columbia County gets its own arts venue, it will start with some examining room

Rob Nordan is one of those guys with a lot of titles. He’s the band director at Augusta Christian, associate minister of music at West Acres Baptist Church, the music director of the Columbia County Orchestra Association and the conductor of the Columbia County Civic Orchestra. Now, he’s also the executive director of the Arts and Resource Center of Columbia County. Eventually, the Arts and Resource Center will be a big venue with all kinds of space for the county’s arts community, but for the time being it’s Suite 2E in Professional Arts Building 3 at the University Healthcare Complex in Evans. While the big building is the ultimate goal, Nordan says many in the community were ready to take one small step forward toward the rental space rather than waiting for their own big, expensive venue. “As we started talking to more of the music people and more of the visual arts people and more of the dance people, several of them were expressing interest in trying to find space they could rent until they actually got in a formal performing arts venue,” Nordan says. “Even if we didn’t have a performance space, people were looking for a place where they could teach lessons and artists could create.” That unlikely new home is a suite of medical offices, and though the county’s arts community is relatively unorganized, Nordan feels the new space could serve as a unifying factor. Nordan also happens to be the president of Columbia County Arts, the county’s umbrella arts group, but the organization has no brick and mortar presence. Right now, he says, it’s nothing more than a P.O. box and some paperwork. And while the current Arts and Resource Center is being managed by the Columbia County Orchestra Association, Nordan says the office suite should be able to at least store the organization’s files. The 2,500 square feet at the University Healthcare Complex will provide administrative office space and approximately nine individual rooms, each roughly 10x10. With sinks, the former examining rooms are easily converted to usable space for visual artists, and Nordan says the rooms are soundproof enough for music lessons and rehearsals. Last year, Nordan unveiled an ambitious vision for a multi-use arts V. 22 | NO. 51

center, and while it didn’t exactly bomb, it failed to achieve enough momentum to move forward in any meaningful way, so Nordan turned to Plan B. “For all practical purposes, the threephase building will be a 30,000-squarefoot building as opposed to the 50,000-square-foot building we were looking at at one time,” he says. “The three phases involve an arts education

phase, a connecting phase/common area and a small auditorium/rehearsal area. The full-blown auditorium would come later.” He admits there are some who feel the auditorium should come first. After all, isn’t that what Symphony Orchestra Augusta is trying so hard to get with the Miller? A performance home? “Quite frankly, the space that we’re in right now, if we end up getting it

rented out and we’re at capacity all the time — the first-phase building would basically take what we would be giving up here once we left the space,” he says. It’s all a matter of steps, he says, and for now he’s content with providing artists and musicians rental space where they can practice and produce and share.

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 15

R.U.N.E

KEITHURBAN

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED

Hey There, Cowboy The prettiest man in country music is married to one of the most stunning women in Hollywood, so it would be easy to hate Keith Urban because he’s beautiful. Unfortunately, his music is just too good, and he’s got awards dating back to when he was 10 years old to prove it. This New Zealand-born, Australian-raised singer guitarist first hit America in 1999, and earned his first Grammy in 2005. Since then, he’s been racking up the awards, parading around with his gorgeous wife Nicole Kidman and having beautiful babies. We’re blaming all that success on the accent.

James Brown Arena | Saturday, August 13 7:30 p.m. | $26.50-$77 | 877-4AUGTIX

GEORGIALINATIX.COM 16 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

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calendar Arts

Painter, Sculptor and Mixed Media Artist Juan Logan discusses his work as part of the Terra Cognita lecture series at the Morris Museum of Art on Thursday, August 11, at 6 p.m. Reception follows. Free. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Acrylic Painting with William Willis is Saturday, August 13, from 10 a.m.-4 p.m. and Sunday, August 14, from 12:30-4:30 p.m. at the Morris Museum of Art. All materials included. Members, $140; non-members, $160. Pre-registration required. Call 706-8283867 or visit themorris.org. Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com.

Exhibitions

Jennifer Weaver White Photography Exhibit shows at Inner Bean in August. Call 706-414-6231. Lauryn Sprouse Art Exhibit shows at Sky City through the month of August. Visit skycityaugusta.com. No Nature, No Art, an exhibition by William Willis, shows at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Jane Popiel Exhibition shows at Sacred Heart Cultural Center through the month of August. Call 706-826-4700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org. Civil War Redux: Pinhole Photographs by Willie Anne Wright shows at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Philip Juras: The Southern Frontier, landscapes inspired by Bartram’s travels, shows at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

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Music

Ed Turner’s Rock ‘n’ Soul Revue, sponsored by the Columbia County Exchange Club, is Friday and Saturday, August 12-13, at 7:30 p.m. at the Imperial Theatre. Ed Turner, along with fellow Number 9 members Roger Davis and Zach Swenson and the Rock and Soul Revue Band, will re-create audiences favorite rock classics. $10-$35. Call 706-722-8341 or visit imperialtheatre.com. The Woolly Jumpers, four traditional Irish musicians from Asheville, N.C., and Cork, Ireland, perform Friday, August 12, at 8 p.m. at the Knights of Columbus Hall on Central and Monte Sano avenues. $15. Call 706-267-5416. FreeVocalWorkshops,presented by Musical Theatre Workshops, are Saturday, August 13, at MTW’s new location at 3833 Martinez Blvd. Schedule is as follows: children ages 8-11, noon-1 p.m.; teens ages 12-16, 1:30-2:30 p.m.; those 16 and over, 3-4 p.m. Call 706-2311759 or visit onwiththeshow.biz. The Jeremy Graham Band performs on Saturday, August 13, at 7 p.m. at the Columbia County Amphitheater as part of the Second Saturday Concert Series. $5. Call 706312-7192 or visit columbiacountyga.gov. Keith Urban’s Get Closer 2011 World Tour is Saturday, August 13, at 7:30 p.m. at the James Brown Arena. Opening act is Jake Owen. Doors open at 6:30. $26-$77. Call 706-722-3521 or visit augustaentertainmentcomplex.com. Dr. Rob Foster and Pulsar perform at the 8th Street Riverfront Stage on Sunday, August 14, at 8 p.m. as part of the Candlelight Jazz Series. Participants are invited to bring their own seating and picnic. $6. Call 706495-6238 or visit gardencityjazz.com. Aiken Big Band plays at Hopelands Gardens in Aiken at 7 p.m. on Monday, August 15, as part of the Hopelands Summer Concert Series. Call 803-642-7630 or visit aiken.net/ hopelandsgarden.html.

Ride your bike in style, and legally, during No Appointment Saturday, held by the Georgia Department Driver Services, which of fers motorcycle license testing at the office of 3423 Mike Padgett Highway from noon-5 p.m. Call 770-918-6202 or visit dds.ga.gov.

Literary

Rick Busby, author of “Simple Habits That Will Change Your Life,” will hold a book signing on Saturday, August 13, from 1:30-4 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. CSRA Writers, which formerly met at Borders, meets Monday, August 15, at the Martinez campus of Georgia Military College on Davis Road. Those interested should bring 10 copies of a manuscript for critique. For more meeting information, call Steve Fox at 706-836-7315. Brown Bag Book Club will meet Thursday, August 18, at 11:30 a.m. at the Columbia County Library to discuss “Roanoke” by Lee Miller. Call 706-8631946 or visit ecgrl.org. Harlem Library Book Club meets

Thursday, August 18, at 4 p.m. to discuss “Dying for Chocolate” by Diane Mott Davidson. Call 706-556-9795 or visit ecgrl.org. NOOK Tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a NOOKcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com.

Theater

Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre, an annual fundraiser for the Aiken Downtown Development Association, is Friday-Saturday, August 12-13, at 7 p.m. at Newberry Hall. Call 803-649-2221 or visit downtownaiken.com. Auditions for a Citywide Talent Show are Friday-Saturday, August 15-16, at 6:30 p.m. at the Fort Gordon outdoor stage. Those chosen will perform on the main stage of Arts in the Heart of METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 17

Augusta on September 18. Categories include vocal soloist, instrumental vocalist, instrumental soloist, rap, spoken word, vocal group, instrumental group, dance, and more. Visit fortgordon.com. Auditions for “The Crucible,” an Aiken Community Playhouse production, are Wednesday-Thursday, August 17-18, at 7 p.m. Auditions are open to middle- and high-school students. Roles include 10 males and 10 females. Call 803-648-1438 or visit aikencommunityplayhouse.com.

Dance

Friday Dance is every Friday night from 8:30-11 p.m. at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. $10. Call 706854-8888 or visit thebdc.us. Christian Singles Dance, for ages 18 and over, is every Saturday night at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans from 7-11 p.m. $8-$10. Call 706-8548888 or visit thebdc.us.

Flix

“Blazing Saddles” shows Tuesday, August 16, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Special Events

European Tour Seminar Tasting, featuring wines from Spain and France, is Friday, August 12, at 7 p.m. at Wine World. Leading the tasting of 11 wines will be Brad Norton, president of Palmetto Distributing. $15 per person by advanced reservation; $20 at the door, space permitting. Call 803-279-9522 or visit wineworldsc.com. CareFair for Women is Saturday, August 13, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. at ASU’s Christenberry Fieldhouse and features a team of professionals from Doctors Hospital who will offer free health screenings and tests while vendors from all across the area showcase their products and services related to beauty, health and home. Visit carefairforwomen.com. Central Park Community Health Fair Festival is Saturday, August 13, from noon-4 p.m., and will include health screenings, food, games, prizes and more. Call 706-955-7557. No Appointment Saturday, held by the Georgia Department of Driver Services, offers motorcycle license testing at the office on 3423 Mike Padgett Highway from noon-5 p.m. Call 770918-6202 or visit dds.ga.gov.

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Restored Dreams: Bring Us Together Through the Arts is Saturday, August 13, from 4:30-6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. This is a free event that will include music, poetry, singing and more. Contact Joe Rob at 704-200-1293 to participate or volunteer. Week of Welcome at Augusta State University starts Monday, August 15, with numerous activities on campus to kick off the fall semester. Call 706737-1610 or visit aug.edu. Young Professionals of Augusta Lunch and Learn will be Thursday, August 18, starting at 11:45 a.m. at Café 209. Participants will learn to build better business relationships, networking and other practices with officials from all three area chambers of commerce. $10. Open to those ages 21-40; Visit ypaugusta.com. Third Thursday Wine Tasting at Wine World will be Thursday, August 18, from 5-8 p.m. Participants will sample three whites, three reds and cheese. $5 fee with a $3 rebate upon purchase of a featured wine. Call 803-279-9522 or visit wineworldsc.com. WeeklyWineTastingsatVineyard Wine Market in Evans are each Friday from 4:30-6:30 p.m. and each Saturday from 1-6 p.m. Call 706-922-9463 or visit vine11.com. Nominations sought for 2011 Preservation Awards. In order to be considered for an award, a property must be on or eligible for nomination to the National Register of Historic Places, either individually or as part of a historic district, and the project must be completed. Nominations will be accepted until August 15. Call Robyn Anderson at 706-724-0436, e-mail robyn@ historicaugusta.org or mail to P.O. Box 37, Augusta, GA 30903. Saturday Market at the River, located at 8th Street Plaza, downtown Augusta, is each Saturday through Oct. 29, from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Visit theaugustamarket.com.

Health

American Red Cross Babysitter’s Training is Thursday, August 11, from 9 a.m.-4 p.m. at Aiken Regional Medical Center. Students ages 11 to 15 will learn about leadership, safety, basic care and first aid. $30 fee includes babysitting text and certificate. Call 803-641-5000 or visit aikenregional.com. Car Seat Class will be held Thursday, August 11, from 5:45-8 p.m.

in MCGHealth Building 1010C. $10. Pre-registration required. Call Renee Hopkins at 706-721-7606 or visit mcghealth.org. Weight Loss Seminar, led by Georgia Health Sciences University’s new Weight Loss Center, will be Thursday, August 11, at 7 p.m. at the Columbia County Library in Evans. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2609 or visit mcghealth.org/ weightloss. Infant CPR is Tuesday, August 11, from 7-9 p.m. at Trinity Hospital of Augusta. Class is designed to teach participants how to respond in an emergency situation, but does not provide certification. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. Stepping into Manhood is Saturday, August 13, from 9:30 a.m.noon at Trinity Hospital of Augusta. Boys ages 12-15 accompanied their father, male relative or friend will discuss peer pressure, sexuality and responsible decision-making. $10 per person. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. Childbirth Tour, a free tour that guides expectant parents through MCGHealth’s Labor and Delivery Unit, is held Saturday, August 13, from 10:3011:30 a.m. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Breastfeeding Class is Tuesday, August 16, from 7-9 p.m. at MCGHealth. Class will be held in the Ambulatory Care Center, room 5306. Free, but pre-registration required. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Shepeard Community Blood Center Blood Drive is Wednesday, August 17, from 5:30-8:30 p.m. at Abilene Baptist Church. Call 706-7374551 or visit shepeardblood.org for a complete list of blood drives. Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease Aquatics Class, sponsored by the CSRA Parkinson Support Group and The Family Y, is a group class designed specifically for ambulatory participants affected by Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease. Held each Friday at noon at the Wilson Family Y indoor pool. Call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9664 or visit thefamilyy.org. Joint Efforts, an informational class about knee and hip pain causes and treatments sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday at 11 a.m. at Augusta

Orthopaedic Clinic. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com.

Support

ALS Support Lunch and Learn is Thursday, August 11, from 11 a.m.-1:30 p.m. in MCGHealth Medical Office Building’s fourth floor, room 4306. Lunch is provided. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2681 or visit mcghealth.org. Breast Cancer Support Group meets Thursday, August 11, from 5:307:30 p.m. in MCGHealth’s Cancer Center’s first floor community room. Call 706-721-4109 or visit mcghealth.org. Mended Hearts, a volunteer organization comprised of people with heart disease, as well as spouses and family members of those with heart disease, meets Friday, August 12, from 10:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m. at Aiken Regional Medical Center. Call 803-642-6897 or visit aikenregional.com. Look Good, Feel Better Support Group at Aiken Regional Medical Center meets Monday, August 15, from 1-2:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 803641-6044 or visit aikenregional.com. Oral, Head, and Neck Cancer Support Group will meet Tuesday, August 16, from 6-7:30 p.m. at the MCGHealth Cancer Center. Call 706721-0550 or visit mcghealth.org. Trauma Support Group will meet Wednesday, August 17, from noon-1 p.m. Locations will alternate. Call 706-7210278 or visit mcghealth.org. Blood Cancer/Stem Cell Support Group will meet Thursday, August 18, from 5:30-7 p.m. in the MCGHealth Cancer Center’s first floor community room. Call 706-721-1634 or visit mcghealth.org. Families Who Have Lost a Baby During Pregnancy, Childbirth or Early Infancy Support Group is ongoing. For information and support following a pregnancy loss, call Sue Ellen Abney at 706-721-8299 or visit mcghealth.org. Moms Connection meets every Tuesday from 1-2 p.m. at 1225 Walton Way (the old Fairway Ford dealership), room 1010C. Preregistration required. Call 706-7219351 or visit mcghealth.org. Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meets each Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. in Suite 110 of Medical Office Building 2, 3624 J. Dewey V. 22 | NO. 51

Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Call 706-651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Education

Association of Fundraising Professionals Roundtable Discussion is Friday, August 12, at 11 a.m. at Bobby’s Barbeque on Jefferson Davis Highway. For nonprofit fundraising professionals, there is no cost or registration for this event, just the cost of lunch. Visit afpcsra.afpnet.org. Gang Violence Education and Awareness Seminar, on the Lahairoi Bible College campus at 415 LaneyWalker Blvd., is Saturday, August 13, from 1-4 p.m. for area parents, teachers and youth leaders. Activities will be provided for children, who may not attend the seminar because of the adult content. Pre-registration, $10, is required. Call Dr. Michael Nelson at 706-306-6311 or Elder Yvonne Jackson at 706-877-1320. Introduction to Internet is Tuesday and Thursday, August 16 and 18, at 10 a.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. Learn How to Research Your Property of the Family Homestead is Tuesday, August 16, at 2 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Preregistration required. Call 706-826-1511 or visit ecgrl.org. Getting Down to Business — Let’s Network, an event designed to allow business owners to connect, network and showcase their businesses, is Thursday, August 18, from 5:30-7 p.m. at the Augusta Marriott Hotel and Suites. Sponsored by the CSRA Business League. Pre-registration required. Call 706-722-0994. GED Classes are held every Monday and Tuesday night at 6 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. No pre-registration is required, but participants must have a valid PINES library card. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. ESL Classes are held every Wednesday night at 6 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Preregistration required. Call 803-279-3363 or visit ecgrl.org. Saturday Historic Trolley Tour, every Saturday, begins at the Museum of History and tours historic downtown Augusta from 1-3:15 p.m. Reservations required. All seats are $12. 706-724-4067. V. 22 | NO. 51

Benefits

Miracle Treat Day, at area Dairy Queen stores, is all day on Thursday, Augusta 11. A portion of the proceeds from each Blizzard purchased with go toward the Georgia Health Science’s Children’s Medical Center. Call 706-721-4004 or visit mcghealth.org/kids. Community Enabling Grant Applications are now available at the Junior League of Augusta’s website. Grants are available to nonprofits in the area who apply by 5 p.m. on the Sept. 2 deadline. Visit jlaugusta.org. Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit justbreathestudio.com.

Sports-Outdoors

Augusta State University’s National Golf Championship Celebration is Tuesday, August 16, beginning at 11:30 a.m. with a golf cart parade. Golf Championship Reception hosted by ASU Birdie Club starts at 6:30 p.m. $60. Call 706-7371626 or visit aug.edu. The Augusta GreenJackets play the Charleston Riverdogs Thursday, August 18, at 7:05 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. $1$13. Call 706-922-WINS or visit greenjacketsbaseball.com. Couch to 5K at the Wilson Family Y is registering now for the program which begins August 23. The six-week session is designed for runners and walkers, who will prepare for the Gasping Gobbler 5K on November 19. $15 per session for members; $25 for nonmembers. Visit thefamilyy.org.

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Augusta Rugby Football Club meets every Wednesday from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Larry Bray Memorial Pitch, 100 Wood Street. New players are welcome. Email arj6402@yahoo.com. Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Three- and four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email jim@ enduranceconcepts.com. Hockey Skills & Drills is every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Augusta Ice Sports Center. $10-$15. Call 706-863-0061 or visit augustaicesports.com.

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senior citizens, $2.50 for 4K-12th grade students and $1 for USC-A students, faculty and staff. Call 803-641-3313 or visit usca.edu/rpsec/planetarium/.

Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit chainreactionbicycles.net.

“Digistar Laser Fantasy” shows at the DuPont Planetarium in Aiken each Saturday in August at 9 p.m. Tickets are $5.50 for adults, $4.50 for senior citizens, $3.50 for 4K-12th grade students and $1 for USC-A students, faculty and staff. Call 803-641-3313 or visit usca.edu/rpsec/planetarium/.

Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-2158181 or visit augustadiscgolf.com. Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706-7246777 or visit andyjordans.com.

“Where the white women at?” They, along with everyone else, will be at the Headquarters Branch Library on Tuesday, August 16, 6:30 p.m. for a viewing of the 1974 Mel Brooks classic “Blazing Saddles.” Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com.

Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6 p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706-826-5809 or email alsalley@wrh.org.

Kids

Pond Exploration is a program on Saturday, August 13, at 10 a.m. at Reed Creek Park for participants ages 5 and up. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Pre-registration required. Free for members; $2 per child for non-

Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3

members. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Hop to the Library Story Time! is Tuesday, August 16, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Participants will listen to frog stories and make a frog hat. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “Follow the Drinking Gourd” shows at the DuPont Planetarium in Aiken each Saturday in August at 8 p.m. Tickets are $4.50 for adults, $3.50 for

Tootsie Roll Guessing Game goes on throughout the month of August at the Headquarters Branch Library. The winner will be announced Sept. 7. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Tae Kwon Do lessons are at the Wilson Family Y, Family Y of Augusta South and North Augusta throughout the month of August. Lessons are twice a week and for all skill levels, ages 5 and up. $35 per month for members; $55 per month for non-members. Register at any Family Y location or online at thefamilyy.org. The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706-854-0149 or visit augustasoccer.com.

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AUGUSTA

TEK

Shop Your Tech Greg Baker

I love going out to Best Buy and looking at the newest gadgets. I love holding them in my hands, turning them over and pressing the buttons. All the time I’m thinking, “Wow! This is amazing! I can’t believe they have something that can do this!” So you would think that in my business, I would always be looking to do a technology refresh on everything from the coffee pot to the copy machine. In reality, my outlook toward buying business technology is more in common with the business owners we serve. I really don’t enjoying buying new technology for my office. At first glance, that may not make sense. But think about it. The typical business owner is generally only worried about making sure their customers are provided the best service possible. Cool is not part of the vocabulary. If you don’t believe me, walk into any Augusta business owner’s office and inform them they need to perform a server upgrade in order to support the latest release of their accounting software. Please make sure you include the many cool, and very useful, features of Windows 2008 R2. No matter how convincing or how persuasive you are, I guarantee their first question will be, “Do I have to update my software?” Intuitively, business owners understand what technology helps provide service to their customers and what technology simply keeps the office running. In the first case, the decision process is careful and deliberate. Capability is integrated with the business strategy. Nothing less than the life of the business is at stake. However, most of the time, the desire is to get the problem out of the way as quickly and as cheaply as possible. This brings me to a trap that business owners face when dealing with “routine” technology purchases. It begins with a purchase or lease, often times significant in price, that is required to perform an office function. Over time, the cost of the technology needed to perform the function drops, but the price this business owner pays does not. Since it’s not directly related to the delivery of services, there are no additional competitive bids or price comparisons. If it works, don’t fix it. This scenario plays out on a regular basis when we engage new customers. Recently, we encountered a situation where a customer was tied into a five-year lease for a piece of network infrastructure that they could have purchased for 25 percent the total cost of the lease. You might ask, “How in the world did they get into that lease?” The response: It’s just always the way it had been done. Don’t allow your technology purchases to take the path of least resistance. Periodically check the internet. Occasionally get multiple quotes. We are all trying to do more with less. Technology should enable your success. Not prevent it. Spotify Revisited — A couple of weeks ago I offered a free Spotify subscription to a devoted reader that could convince me their life would end without Spotify. Congratulations to Anthony for a very persuasive argument. You should have received your Spotify invite by now, and I hope your collection of vinyl can finally follow you wherever you may go. Congratulations to the 61 new students from the Augusta area who will be attending Georgia Tech this fall. The Georgia Tech Alumni Club of Augusta will be hosting a send-off party for the new Yellow Jackets on Thursday evening, August 11, at the Jones Creek Clubhouse. All are welcome to show support for this next generation of technology leaders. Give me a holler for more details. Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits. V. 22 | NO. 51

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 21

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Goodbye Summer… Duty Calls Mendy Grant

Mendy Grant is a first grade teacher at Martinez Elementary School.

I’m sitting here in the living room listening to Elmo and watching my boys put money in their piggy banks. I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that, in just a few short days, I have to leave my sweet baby boys at preschool and go back to the daily grind. Where has the summer gone?! We kicked it off with an awesome and unforgettable trip to Disney World, but it certainly doesn’t seem like that was eight weeks ago! I have enjoyed the life of laziness… waking up at 9 a.m. or later every day, lounging around in PJs waiting for the pool to open, swimming until 4 p.m., taking the boys home for a late nap and just enjoying the evening doing whatever we felt like doing.

24 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

Fast forward 10 minutes… Garrett is jumping off of the furniture and Ryan just smacked me in the face with a step stool. How many more days? As much as I have enjoyed my time off with my two precious children and my wonderful husband, I’m excited about getting back to our routine. Sounds like a contradiction to what I wrote above and, while I constantly struggle with wanting to stay home with our boys, I love my job and the people I work with. I love feeling like I’m making a difference. I love that I might be a safe place for some children who don’t always feel they have that. And I love that cliché “lightbulb moment.” I’m excited about starting a new school year and everything that comes

with it. The smell of new crayons, the look of new bookbags, the eagerness of the children. I get just as electrified as the kids the night before the first day of school! I toss and turn in the bed while thoughts of “what will I wear?” and “will they like me?” run through my mind. This year holds even more anticipation because I’m teaching a new grade level. I am anxious and thrilled all in one thinking about all the things I can do with my first graders, or, as I like to think of them, my adopted babies for the next 180 days. So as we get ready to wind down summer, I will cherish the memories we have made over the last few weeks. Ryan learned how to say “Garrett” and Garrett learned how to swim. I will

miss sleeping in with my boys until we felt like waking up, taking late night (9 p.m.) trips to Cold Stone for dessert, and heading to the pool at 6 p.m. for an evening swim in hopes of wearing out the kids. I will miss the silly things like not having to find socks for the boys because they can wear flip-flops, crocs or sandals with everything! My conversations will change from sunscreen, vacations and swimming lessons to Essential Questions, sight words and activators. It is officially time to become reacquainted with my alarm clock. Farewell summer. Duty calls. Garrett is teaching Ryan how to jump off the back of the couch. How many more days?! V. 22 | NO. 51

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Performance Learning

photos by jordan white

A new program at the old Tubman hopes to carry at-risk students through graduation and beyond

While late bells across the CSRA are calling reluctant students back to their desks, a new program is targeting Richmond County students predisposed to miss school bells altogether, late or otherwise. The Performance Learning Center at the newly renovated Tubman Educational Center at the old Tubman Middle School uses a nontraditional educational style to try to keep potential dropouts not only in school, but on track to earning a high school diploma. “It’s being offered to the students who are at risk primarily due to some particular barriers in their lives,” says Executive Director of Communities in Schools for Augusta/Richmond County Dr. Eleanor Hopson. “For instance, there may be something going on at home and the student is consistently tardy, consistently absent from school or not participating as he or she should be.” For many Richmond County students, the consequences of other peoples’ lifestyles — parents, siblings, guardians or neighbors — can dramatically impact the way a student views his or her education. Without

26 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

adequate role models, students can fall into destructive behavior with devastating repercussions. “For the young ladies, a lot of times they are getting in trouble and then there’s a child in the picture and they’re distraught and they don’t know which way to turn,” Hopson says. “They want to continue their education, however there’s a barrier.” For the boys, the dropout rate itself can be a deciding factor. Hopson says that a typical, packed ninth grade class will lose 30 percent of its students by 11th or 12th grade. Lacking the motivation to stay, many boys simply follow their friends. According to Regina Reid, a site service coordinator for the program, the Performance Learning Center allows the education process, never considered all that flexible, to adopt to the students’ circumstances, whatever they might be. “We’ll accept students with any non-academic barriers they may have, whether teenage parents or teens having to work — anything where traditional school just isn’t working out for those reasons,” Reid says. “Oftentimes they miss too many

days, they get behind academically and then it’s just hard to pull up in a regular school setting. This gives them the opportunity to work at their own pace and hopefully get through the program.” The goal of the program, of course, is to increase the graduation rate. Since 2003, more than 4,800 students have earned their high school diplomas through Georgia’s 19 PLCs. Communities in Schools in Augusta/ Richmond County is an independent agency working within the schools. It’s housed in Student Services at the Richmond County Board of Education building on Broad Street and provides technical assistance, program evaluation and advocacy to students in need. Dependent on grants, its programs don’t add to the district’s already fragile budgetary problems. “We’re not pulling anything from any of the great budgetary needs of the Richmond County School System,” Hopson says. “We actually bring in grants to help. This Race to the Top grant is being brought in to support the PLC.” Part of the 2009 Recovery Act, Georgia will receive $400 million over

four years thanks to the Race to the Top grant, which was designed to kick start innovative education reform at a local level. Hopson explained that a proposal for the grant had to be written at the local level by Communities in Schools administrators and Richmond County School System administrators, ensuring cooperation between the two. “The Race to the Top grant was granted to develop a Performance Learning Center here with the goal in mind to increase the graduation rate and also to fulfill the needs of the students who are about to drop out of school,” she says. “When the grant was awarded to us, we became a partner with the school system to make this possible and the school system has matched with personnel. The facilitators are certified.” As a drop out prevention agency, Communities in Schools also trains mentors to assist students in all aspects of their lives. “Face to face mentoring is very, very effective,” said Reid, who as a kind of social worker in the school witnesses first hand how important having a reliable adult in your life can be. V. 22 | NO. 51

“We match gender to gender,” Hopson says. “The mentors work with the students in not just tutoring, but with any needs of the student. It’s primarily to link them with a responsible adult who is also a role model who will travel with them from home to school and from school to home and throughout the community if needed.” The program also offers cultural enhancement and cultural events through a partnership with the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History. They also partner with other agencies within the community to offer additional mentoring projects, including volunteer work. “A great part of Communities in Schools is service-learned,” Hopson says. “It’s not just what people can give us or what organizations and businesses can do for us — we can do something for them in return.” Students participate in any community events they are invited to, including the popular toy distribution at Urban Ministries in December. Hopson has trained over 100 V. 22 | NO. 51

volunteers at a monthly training session she holds every third Wednesday at 3 p.m. at T.W. Josey High School. The 150 students enrolled in the Performance Learning Center will have the same access to the other Communities in Schools offerings. Both the Alternative School and the Performance Learning Center are components of the Tubman Academic Center and the academic coordinator, Winnette Bradley, is also the director of alternative programs at Richmond County Schools. While they might be housed in the same building, there are substantial differences between the students of the two programs. Unlike Alternative School students, who are often placed there because of discipline issues, students enrolled at the Performance Learning Center earn their way in. “We’re not just going to open the doors and say come in if you have these problems,” Hopson says. “There is a screening. They are referred by their school administrators, teachers or counselors from the home school.” Additionally, students are screened

for a minimum academic proficiency. “In those tests, they have to test out at an eighth grade level because they have to be self motivated to work in the PLC.” Part of the PLC’s attraction is the nontraditional makeup of the experience. Students will be given the option of either a morning or afternoon session. Morning session starts at 7:30 a.m. and the afternoon session starts after lunch and goes until 3:30 p.m. Such flexibility allows working students a greater ability to keep their job and students needing childcare more opportunities to find it, though Reid says the afternoon session will have childcare opportunities. Students will work in the core classes: language arts, science, social studies and math. They work at their own pace and do much of their coursework online. Teachers are certified and must adhere to approved curriculum. One potential barrier, however, is something Hopson hopes will actually become motivational: students must find a way to get themselves to the school. According to Hopson, that

shouldn’t be a problem. “The caliber of student we are trying to get to is the one who will be motivated enough to want to come and will find a way to get there,” she says. Tubman is on the transit line, and Hopson says they have partners who can assist with providing fares, should the need arise. And while it might be easy for mainstream students to dismiss the achievement of earning a high school diploma, Hopson insists that these are special bunch of students who are capable of great things, including additional education. “We want to get the ones who are highly motivated because they want to get on through and get their high school diploma and continue their education,” Hopson says. “Perhaps we can even help them get dual enrollment.” And that’s part of the program’s vision: a fresh start with broader horizons.

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 27

Options Abound

Looking for an alternative to public schools? The good news is there are plenty of choices.

Episcopal Day School Aiken Preparatory School 619 Barnwell Avenue NW 803-648-3223 aikenprep.org Overview: Founded in 1916, Aiken Preparatory School offers an independent college preparatory curriculum to students in 3K through 12th grade. While academics are the primary focus, Aiken Prep also offers a variety of extracurricular activities and sports programs to its middle- and high-school students, and strives to work closely with families to help students unlock their potential. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $4,100-$12,400 per year, plus resource fees and book fees.

Aquinas High School 1920 Highland Avenue 706-736-5516 aquinashigh.org Overview: a college preparatory, co-ed Catholic school serving students in grades 9-12 that accepts students with diverse backgrounds and a range of academic ability. Aquinas prides itself on providing a curriculum and Christcentered environment that prepares students for college and life through a full range of clubs, activities and sports programs. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $6,560-$8,250 per year.

Alleluia Community School 2819 Peach Orchard Road 706-793-9663 alleluiaschool.org Overview: A co-ed and Christian-affiliated school serving 195 students in grades K-12, Alleluia is accredited as a non-traditional learning centers and serves children whose parents are members of the Alleluia Community. Class sizes at ACS are typically small by most standards, with between 10 and 25 students in each class.Â In addition to academics, the high school offers chorus and music ministry as electives. Uniforms? No. Tuition: Call for more information.

Augusta Christian Schools 313 Baston Road 706-863-2905 augustachristian.org Overview: Augusta Christian Schools was founded on Christian values in 1958. The school offers a kindergarten, elementary, junior and senior high school, as well as the School of Talent Development for students with special learning needs. Current enrollment is approximately 500, and all curriculum and activities are dependent upon Bible teachings. Uniforms? No. Tuition:$1,500-$12,300 per year.

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Augusta Preparatory Day School 285 Flowing Wells Road 706-863-1906 augustaprep.org Overview: Open since 1961, Augusta Prep became what it is today in 1988, when Augusta Country Day School merged with Augusta Prep to offer classes to students in kindergarten through high school. Today, Prep enrolls 521 students, with an average class size of 13. The mission of Augusta Preparatory Day School is to provide the Augusta area with the highest quality college preparatory education for average and above average students, in an independent, co-ed, non-sectarian school. This fully accredited school also offers arts and athletics programs. Uniforms? No. Tuition:$2,400-$13,350 plus books and fees C. H. Terrell Academy 2230 Broad Street 706-736-6216 chterrell.com Overview: Augusta’s first and only year-round school, Charles Henry Terrell Academy was established in 1982 as an independent private Christian academy that currently serves preschool through 12th grade students. Small class sizes allow teachers to focus on each student’s individual learning style, and students are also exposed to the fine and performing arts and physical education along with their core classes. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $3,810-$4,050.

Hillcrest Baptist School 3045 Deans Bridge Road 706-798-5600 hillcrestaugusta.org Overview: Hillcrest Baptist School, a ministry of Hillcrest Baptist Church, provides a Christian education for students K-4 to 8th grade in Richmond County. Approximately 230 students are enrolled in Hillcrest and they have a small student to teacher ratio. They are accredited by the Georgia accrediting commission. Uniforms? No. Tuition:$2,880-$3,645.

elcome W

Curtis Baptist School 1326 Broad Street 706-828-6624 curtisbaptistchristianschool.org Overview: Curtis Baptist School’s low student-teacher ratios and limited class sizes ensure the effective implementation of a carefully planned curriculum infused with a Biblical worldview. It serves grades K-12 and is co-ed. Curtis also offers a full roster of sports opportunities. Uniforms? No. Tuition:$4,872-$8,190

Episcopal Day School 2248 Walton Way 706-733-1192 edsaugusta.com Overview: Founded in 1944 and the first private school in the area to integrate in 1962, EDS today is a co-ed day school serving three year olds through eighth graders with a faculty and staff of 87 and a student body of 467. Established by the Church of the Good Shepherd, students supplement academics and athletics with spiritual growth and service to others. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $3,775-$10,525

Heritage Academy 333 Greene Street 706-821-0034 heritageacademyaugusta.org Overview: An inner-city Christian school, Heritage Academy opened in 2001 and has remained faithful to the mission of making a Christ-centered education available to all children regardless of family income. It serves grades K-8th and currently has 145 students. Heritage focuses on academic, character and spiritual development, and offers arts programs that include Suzuki violin instruction at no cost. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $6,000 V. 22 | NO. 51

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METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 29

SCHOOLS OF AUGUS TA

Immaculate Conception School 811 Telfair Street 706-722-9964 icaugusta.org Overview: A co-ed Roman Catholic affiliated school, Immaculate Conception has approximately 100 students in grades PK-8th. Although affiliated with the Church of the Most Holy Trinity, students do not have to be Catholic to attend. Established in 1913, students receive instruction in all academic areas, and also participate in daily prayer, relious instruction and services because, according to their philosophy, “What our children believe is just as important as what they know.” Sports programs include track and field, and after-school clubs include baking and crafts, chess, technology, yearbook/ newsletter, math and academic bingo. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $3,300-$4,700 per year, with additional registration/book fees, student activity fees and assessment fees for new students.

Mead Hall Episcopal School 803-644-1122 129 Pendleton st. SW Aiken, SC meadhallschool.org Overview: Mead Hall began in 1955 and moved to its current location at St. Thaddeus Episcopal Church in 1961. A co-ed school for grades K-12, Mead Hall encourages students in academic excellence, spiritual growth and moral integrity. The school offers art instruction and team sports. Uniforms? Yes.

Our Lady of Peace 856 Old Edgefield Road, North Augusta 803-279-8396 ourladyofpeaceschool.net Overview: Our Lady of Peace, under the direction of the Diocese of Charleston, was established in 1956 and currently teaches students in grades P-K-8th. This Catholic school enrolls approximately 128 students. Smaller class size, a living science lab, computer lab, art, music, drama, and excellent test scores are only a few of the features that make this school unique in the educational area. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $3,990-$11,540

Second Baptist Christian Preparatory School 343 Laurens Street NW, Aiken 803-502-0710 sbcprep.org Overview: This school, which teaches students in P-K-5th grades, strives to promote learning through spiritual development and academic excellence in a creative structure. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $3,300

St. Mary Help Christian School 118 York Street SE, Aiken 803-649-2071 stmaryschoolaiken.com Overview: A Part of St. Mary Help of Christians Catholic Church and the Diocese of Charleston, St. Mary’s opened in 1900 as St. Angela Academy and currently serves 250 students in kindergarten through 8th grade. Students of all faiths are welcome to the school which has a challenging academic program, as well as a variety of learning opportunities and sports programs. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $4,310-$6,178

St. Mary on the Hill 1220 Monte Sano Avenu 706-733-6193 stmaryssaints.org Overview: Open to students of all denominations, St. Mary on the Hill is a Catholic school that serves students in grades K-8 with an academics programs that focuses on educating in all dimensions: intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, moral and social. In addition to core classes, including religion, St. Mary also offers sports programs to its middle school students. Uniforms? Yes. Tuition: $6,100-$7,500.

Victory Christian School 620 W. Martintown Road, North Augusta 803-278-0125 victorybc.com Overview: A Christian school that uses the Bob Jones University Press and A Beka Book curriculum, this school is open to co-ed students in grades K4-12th. Uniforms? No. Tuition: $950-$4,400

Westminster Schools of Augusta 3067 Wheeler Road 706-731-5260 wsa.net Overview: Founded in 1972 as a ministry of First Presbyterian Church of Augusta, Westminster currently enrolls 571 students in grades P-K-12th and offers a Christ-centered education that stresses academics, fine arts and athletics. In 2009, Westminster employed a house system in which upper school students are split into four house and earn points for their houses. At the end of the year, The House Cup is awarded to the group of students who have the most points. Uniforms? No. Tuition: $5,250-$10,950

South Aiken Baptist Christian School 980 Dougherty Road 803-648-7871 sabcm.org Overview: This is a co-ed Baptist school that teaches students in grades P-K8th. It currently has 309 students enrolled and provides students with a wellrounded Christian education. Uniforms? No. Tuition: $3,635-$5,130

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Unlatched

After-school programs ensure that kids have plenty to do

The following is a sampling of what’s available for local parents who’d rather their children not be latchkey kids.

The Boys and Girls Club The Boys and Girls Club of Augusta provides an after school-program Monday-Friday from 2:30-7:00 p.m. (full days are available on student holidays/furloughs). A fee of $10 for an annual membership is required to participate. Activities include mentoring, academic tutoring and physical activities. Transportation from selected schools is available for free and a few others are listed for a $40 transportation fee (all participating schools are located on their website). Visit bgccsra.org or call 706-504-4071 for more information.

The Kroc Center Parents can enjoy a night out by bringing their children (ages 3 months-12 years) to Kid’s Night Out every first Friday of the month. The program lasts from 6-10 p.m. and includes dinner, swimming, crafts, inflatables, gym play and movies. The second Friday of every month is a night out for the teens (ages 13-17) with Teen Night Out. The program lasts from 6-10 p.m. and includes swimming, dancing, art, sports and games. The last Friday of every month is Family Fun Night. The program lasts from 6:30-9:30 p.m. and includes a movie on the lawn, swimming and other activities. The Kroc Center also hosts Day Camps on days schools are out. Activities and hours vary. Visit the krocaugusta.org or call 706-364-5762 for information about fees for programs and additional questions.

The Family Y The Family Y’s Prime Time program serves seven Aiken County elementary schools and 26 Richmond County elementary schools. After-school care is available in all schools served by this program and before-school care is available in selected schools. Most of the Family Y’s locations in the area also offer School Day Out camps on the days county schools are on break. Call 706-738-7006 or visit thefamilyy.org for more information on fees and a full listing of participating schools.

Richmond County Recreation Department The Loud Crowd is a program that meets Monday-Friday from 3-6 p.m. and provides a safe and positive environment for children until their parents get off work. Fun includes sports, playground games, homework help and other activities to keep children busy and active. Parents must register their children at one of five participating recreation centers. The fee is $85 per child a month for the first two children in a household and 50 percent off for each additional child. Visit augustaga.gov for a list of participating centers and contact information. The After School B.E.S.T. is a no-charge after-school program open to all public school students living in the 30906 area code. The program meets Monday-Friday from 3-6 p.m. at McDuffie Wood Community Center. Call 706-771-2656 for more information.

Hayden’s Hayden’s offers seasonal weekly camps for Thanksgiving, Christmas and spring breaks from 9:30-1:30 p.m. for $20 a day. Lunch is not provided. Activities include crafts, games and gym time. Hayden’s also offers Parents Night Out on select Fridays. Call 706-868-0608 or visit haydensgym.com for more information.

Superior Academy Offering after-school care Monday-Friday until 5 p.m. (6 p.m. if registered for late pickup). Open for the first 15 students. Activities include martial arts training, homework help, movies, workouts, games and mentorship. Fees range from $94-$114 weekly. Call Jason at 706-364-8127 or visit superioracademy.com for more information.

Jessye Norman School of the Arts A free program for those gifted in dance, drama, creative writing, music and/or visual arts, students meet from 4-6 p.m. Monday-Friday at the school’s location on Greene Street downtown. Transportation is provided from schools and some students are eligible for transportation home. Applications are currently being accepted. The application and audition packet, along with the requirements for participation, are on their website (jessyenormanschool.org). The program includes academic tutoring, fine arts instructions and exposure to professionals working in the art field. For more information, visit their website or call 706-828-7768

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COLUMBIA COUNTY SCHOOL CALENDAR 2011-2012 July 25 – 28 ................................................................................. Principals’ Conference August 1-5 .................................................................................................... Pre-Planning August 8 ........................................................................................... .First Day of School September 5 ..................................................................................... Holiday/Labor Day September 8 .......................................................................................... Progress Reports September 15 ....................................... *Early Release/Teacher Professional Learning October 7 ......................................................................................... End of Nine Weeks October 10 ................................ Student Holiday/Teacher Professional Learning Day October 14 ................................................................................................. Report Cards November 9 .......................................................................................... Progress Reports November 21-25 ......................................................................... Holidays/Thanksgiving December 14, 15, 16 ............................................................................ Semester Exams December 16 ..................................................................................... End First Semester December 19-January 1 (inclusive) .................................................................. Holidays January 2.................................... Student Holiday/Teacher Professional Learning Day January 3............................................................................... First Day Second Semester January 6...................................................................................................... Report Cards January 16 ................................................................. Holiday/Martin Luther King Day February 2 ............................................................................................. Progress Reports February 20 .............................................................................. Holiday/Presidents’ Day March 8........................................................................................End Third Nine Weeks March 14...................................................................................................... Report Cards March 15............................................... *Early Release/Teacher Professional Learning April 2-6 ....................................................................................... Holidays/Spring Break April 17.................................................................................................. Progress Reports May 16-18 .............................................................................................. Semester Exams May 18 .......................................................................................... End Second Semester May 19 ........................................................................................................... Graduation May 21-23 ................................................................................................... Post-Planning May 23 ........................................................................................................ Report Cards

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RICHMOND COUNTY SCHOOL CALENDAR 2011-2012 First Day of School ………………………….....................……… August 8, 2011 Pre-K First Day of School ………………………….................…..August 26, 2011 Labor Day …………………......................…………………….September 5, 2011 Progress Reports ……………………………....…………………September 7, 2011 Early Release/Professional Learning …………………...………September 14, 2011 End of 1st Nine Weeks ………………….......………………………October 7, 2011 Beginning of 2nd Nine Weeks …………………………………….October 10, 2011 Report Cards ………………………………..............……………..October 19, 2011 Pre-K Professional Learning—No Pre-K School ........…….October 20 & 21, 2011 Early Release/Report Card Conferences K-12 ………......……….October 20, 2011 Furlough—No School ……………………...................…………October 21, 2011 Pre-K Professional Learning—No Pre-K School .........………..November 10, 2011 Early Release/Professional Learning K-12 ………………...…..November 10, 2011 Veteran’s Day ………………………………....................…….November 11, 2011 Progress Reports ………………………………………........…November 16, 2011 Furlough—No School ………..................………….……November 21 & 22, 2011 Thanksgiving ………………………………..…...…………November 23-25, 2011 End of 2nd Nine Weeks ………………………………....………December 16, 2011 Christmas/Winter Break …..............……………...…December 19-January 2, 2012 Furlough …………………………………….........………………….January 3, 2012 Beginning of 3rd Nine Weeks …………………………....…………January 4, 2012 Report Cards ………………….......................……….…..………..January 11, 2012 MLK Holiday ……………………………………...………………January 16, 2012 Progress Report ……………......................………….....………….February 7, 2012 Furlough—No School ………………………...……………February 20 & 21, 2012 End of 3rd Nine Weeks …………………......................……………March 13, 2012 Beginning of 4th Nine Weeks ……………….....……………………March 14, 2012

Furlough—No School ……………………………………….....…March 16, 2012 Early Release/Report Card Conferences PK-12 ……….......……March 21, 2012 Spring Break ………...................................................................…..April 2-6, 2011 Progress Reports ……………………....................……………...….April 25, 2012 Exams ………………………………...........…………....……….May 15-18, 2012 Last Day of School Pre-K-12 ……….........................………………May 18, 2012 Post Planning Pre-K-12 ……….................…....………………May 21 & 22, 2012 Graduation ………………….............………………………….May 21 - 22, 2012 Report Cards (Pick Up) ……................……………………..………May 22, 2012 Report Cards (Mail Out) ………….................……………...………May 23, 2012 This calendar is subject to change by the Richmond County Board of Education.

706.737.2020 | 706.737.2025 fax | murphy.robinson@comcast.net Mon - Fri: 8:30-5:30 | Sat: 9-12 | 1571 Walton Way | Augusta

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401 West Martintown Rd | North Augusta, SC 29841 Next to Freds / Family Y 803.640.8443 hensleypma.com METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 33

C BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL 1/2 OFF REGISTRATION FOR THE MONTH OF AUGUST! a u g u s t a c h e e r a c a d e m y . c o m

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AGES 2 & UP BEGINNER TO COMPETITIVE LEVELS COMPETITION TEAMS DANCEWEAR SHOPPE OPEN DURING CLASSES 717 INDUSTRIAL PARK DRIVE EVANS, G A 30809 706.650.0366 | STEPHANIESDANCERS.COM

34 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

• no september deadline • foreign language, art, drama, computers • phonics based reading program • individualized curriculum for accelerated learners • beginning with preschool • Saxon math program • low student-teacher ratio • numerous field trips

717 INDUSTRIAL PARK DRIVE EVANS, GA 30809 706.364.3169 ACADEMICPLUSOFEVANS.COM

Instill a love of learning & MUCH, MUCH, MORE! V. 22 | NO. 51

Crums

Surrey Tavern

Friday, August 12 Allman Brothers Tribute Band

Sunday, August 14 Jim Perkins Acoustic folk, jazz and blues during Sunday brunch.

5 O’Clock Bistro King's Way's secret gem Bistro 491 fancy food with a sense of humor Calvert’s Restaurant old school Continental Club Argos LGBT Crums on Central live jazz on weekends French Market Grille New Orleans in the Garden City Helga’s med student heaven

Partridge Inn

Polka Dot Pig unique atmosphere & unique bar

Saturday, August 13 Not Gaddy

Sheehan’s Irish Pub the nicest pub ever Surrey Tavern the original neighborhood bar Tako Sushi Asian / Mexican fusion

Augsburg Haus

The Vue upscale dance club w/ occasional bands

It’s always opposite day here, with anything with “wurst” in the name being the best, especially when paired with a German beer.

Verandah Grill at the Partridge Inn Augusta’s best balcony

Augsburg Haus Traditional Bavarian Cuisine Cue n’ Brew pool hall Laura’s Backyard Tavern Laura’s house

Laura’s

Whether or not there’s a live band, this is a great place to kick back, relax and enjoy a cool breeze. If you can find one.

Mai Thai Authentic Thai Experience Mellow Mushroom plus full bar

Mai Thai

Pizza Joint Beer Me Tuesday

Be adventurous and try one of the fish dishes. All are served whole. Pair it with a Thai beer or iced coffee for the complete Mai Thai experience.Authentic Thai Experience

Pickles locally owned restaurant in ColCo Rhinehart’s backyard seafood The Tavern at the Bean discreet, top shelf Sidetrack Bar & Grill by the railroad tracks Tako Sushi Asian / Mexican Fusion

THE HILL

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36 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

Manuel’s Bread Cafe - locally sourced bistro

The Highlander - real Bristish pub

Augusta Canal - music on the water

Firehouse

Sweet Lou’s Crab Shack - Broad & 13th

Yeah, it’s a dive bar. But it’s the nicest dive you’ll ever visit.

Pizza Joint - 40 beers on tap and slices

Frog Hollow

They’re back from vacation, so withdrawals for their smoked gouda mac ‘n cheese can cease now.

13T

Tropicabana - salsa. no chips.

H ST

Frog Hollow Tavern - upscale restaurant & bar / locally sourced

Mellow Mushroom - plus full bar Sky City - large music venue Firehouse - proud downtown dive

1102 - block deep restaurant & bar

Metro Coffee House - coffee, beer, liquor, people Soultry Sounds - jazz club Wicked Wasabi - authentic Japanese Soy Noodle - Asian sensation Blue Sky Kitchen - new parents

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12 14 13

03 Sky City

Saturday, August 13 Hellblinki, Mann Ray, Alison Foster

Blue Sky Kitchen

New Moon Cafe - ecclectic grindhouse

Their Cuban sandwiches are famous for a reason… because they’re so good.

Bee’s Knees - small plates Rooster’s Beak - tacqueria w/ great ice cream Soul Bar - pure funk Playground - rock-n-roll

Stillwater Taproom - blugrass before bluegrass was cool Casa Blanca - JB White’s storefront Wheels - cool & on the corner The Loft - liquor with attitude

H ST

Nacho Mama’s - rolling ‘em fat

12T

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Nacho Mama’s

Tuesdays Who are all those people? It’s the Tuesday night group run that meets at 6 and stays for drinks and dinner afterwards. Don’t worry; most of them don’t bite.

Bar on Broad - contemporary South Beach vibe Club Rehab - upscale sportsbar Joe’s Underground - live music underneath Broad St. Imperial Theatre - old majestic with a kickin’ sign

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Manuel’s

Flavored lemonades, which this French bistro makes from scratch, pair perfectly with their Bread Café Salad. Or anything else on the menu, for that matter.

Beamies

Nachos at a seafood place? Don’t knock the Negril Nachos with seafood sauce and grilled shrimp till you try them.

The Cotton Patch Wednesday, August 17 Trivia and Tunes

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Joe’s Underground Saturday, August 13 The Atom Blondes

OAD

Imperial

Friday-Saturday, August 12-13 Ed Turner’s Rock and Soul Review

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Tipsy McStumbles - confess later

Fox’s Lair - coolest bar in America

01 02 03

01 34

Sector 7G - laundromat turned landmark Eagle’s Nest - best view downtown Blue Horse Bistro - jazz tapas The Sports Center - old school pool hall and burgers Luigi’s - Augusta institution Beamie’s Restuarant & Oyster Bar - taste of the beach downtown The Boll Weevil - great food and the best desserts Cotton Patch - eat, drink, be happy Mi Rancho - chips & salsa on the Savannah 209 Restaurant & Lounge - soul food & lounge La Maison on Telfair - fine dining & tapas

The Joker Lounge girls dancing nightly Fantasy Showgirls girls dancing nightly Discoteque girls dancing nightly

35 36 02

The Sports Center

A burger, onion rings and a beer. Is there ever a bad time?

Sector 7G

Saturday, August 13 Nine bands from near and far, including Knock Em Dead, play this benefit for the House of Grace, a home for tribal girls in Thailand at risk of being sold into slavery. Concert begins at 5 p.m. and is $6.

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SOMETHING

TO DO?

43 LOOKING FOR

ST 5TH

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Country Club Friday, August 12 Chris Lane Band

Carolina Ale House

Saturdays Live music on the patio most Saturday nights.

Allie Katz good cheap drinks Bar West martini lounge Cadillacs cozy neighborhood spot Cadwallader’s Cafe Italian flair Carolina Ale House sports themed restuarant / feat. outdoor covered bar Country Club dance hall and saloon

Mi Rancho

Cue & Brew great burgers

Sunday, August 14 Karaoke, Salsa Dancing You’ll need the margaritas before karaoke. It’s probably not such a good idea before salsa dancing.

Doubletree Hotel popular restuarant French Market Grille West NOLA in the Garden City Hooters hooters Limelite Cafe extensive beer selection

Somewhere in Augusta

Monday, August 15 Poker Tournament Think you’ve got what it takes to become the next Chris Moneymaker?

Malibu Jacks beach themed restaurant & bar Mi Rancho chips & salsa on the Savannah

Wild Wing Cafe

Rack & Grill true pool hall

Wednesday, August 17 Dirty Blue Dress An Augusta Favorite

Rae’s Coastal Cafe worth finding Rhinehart’s backyard seafood Robbie’s Sports Bar true pool hall Shannon’s old lounge / new look Somewhere In Augusta sports bar & grill

Villa Europa

Chris Ndeti Thursday, August 11 Ndeti sings and plays jazz, blues and R&B on acoustic guitar in the bar from 7:30-10:30 p.m.

TakoSushi Asian / Mexican Fusion TGI Friday’s How many pieces of flair do you have?

Coyote’s

Wild Wings Cafe live music 7 nights a week

Rhett Akins, Jeremy Graham Band Friday, August 12

Coyote’s great live music & DJs Road Runner Cafe in front of Coyote’s Villa Europa German / Italian /International favorites since 1974

THE HILL

38 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

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SOUTH AUGUSTA

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Thursday, August 11 Live Music Coyote’s The Dixie Pigs French Market Grille West Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground Mason Jars Malibu Jack’s Marilyn Adcock One Hundred Laurens Kenny George Rose Hill Stables Preston & Weston Surrey Tavern Worldwide Zoo Villa Europa Chris Ndeti Wild Wing Causey Effect The Willcox Four Cats in the Doghouse

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s Karaoke Casa Blanca Thursday Tango Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Candy Stripers Cabaret Cocktails Lounge Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans DJ Kris Fisher The Playground Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s Karaoke Somewhere in Augusta Karaoke with Charles Soul Bar Boom Box Villa Europa Karaoke with Just Ben

Wooden Barrel ‘80s Night Karaoke

Friday, August 12 Live Music Cotton Patch Chad Nichols Country Club Chris Lane Band Coyote’s Rhett Akins, Jeremy Graham Band Doubletree Hotel 3 Sides of Jazz Fox’s Lair Roger Enevoldsen French Market Grille West Doc Easton and Karen Gordon Imperial Theatre Ed Turner’s Rock and Soul Review Joe’s Underground Woody Wood & Friends (Acoustic) One Hundred Laurens John Kolbeck Polo Tavern Robbie Ducey Band Sky City Whiskey Gentry, American Aquarium, Sibling String Stillwater Tap Room The New Familiars Surrey Tavern Allman Brothers Tribute Band Wild Wing Sundance Jenkins The Willcox Kenny George

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s DJ Tim Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Cocktails Lounge Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub Karaoke

The Plain White T’s play Atlanta’s Masquerade on Saturday, October 15, as part of a fall tour in support of their hit song “Boomerang.” Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge Caribbean Night with DJ Spud Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke Palmetto Tavern DJ Tim Rebeck’s Hideaway Open Mic V. 22 | NO. 51

Roadrunner Cafe Karaoke with Steve Chappel Somewhere in Augusta Footloose Dance Party Soul Bar ’80s Night Tropicabana Latin Friday Wooden Barrel Karaoke Contest

Saturday, August 13 Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks

John John Is One of the Best Musicians in Town Matt Stone - can be heard weekdays from 3-7 p.m. on 95 Rock Raw.

John Berret There are musicians in Augusta who are some of the best I have seen. Very talented guys, and ladies, who could really make it to that next level. One of those guys is John Berret, also known John John. The man is a like a playbook of music. You ask him to play a song, he can play it. Not only can he play the song, he can land the solo, note for note. On stage with a binder full of music, John is there to play the hits and entertain. No doubt you can catch John out each weekend playing for a packed crowd around town, but you can also learn from one of the best. Go by and see John at Rock Bottom Music on the corner of 8th and Broad, downtown Augusta. He offers lessons and I’m sure he has great advice for the new upcoming musicians. Stamped: Matt Stone Approved. If you are a successful music artist and you want your album to get back into the top 10 on the Billboard music charts, take a note from Amy Winehouse. All she had to do was die from abusing drugs and alcohol and bam: she’s got the No. 7 album in the country… that was released over 80 weeks ago. Insert your own “should have gone to ‘Rehab’” joke here. Take note kids: down with dope, because you gots to vote. This past weekend was the three-day festival that I love, Lollapalooza, in Chicago. They had a great lineup this year, from Eminem to Muse to the Foo Fighters, and, of course, Jane’s Addiction. The bands all came out to perform in the rain. This year turned out to be more like Woodstock ’96, mud and more mud. It’s all about the experience, I guess; check out rollingstone.com for exclusive pics and video. Cool stuff. You may be surprised to hear this, but 311 released a new album. What does the new album sound like, you ask? Exactly like every other 311

album. Not complaining, just saying. 311 are now in the class of bands like Incubus, Rob Zombie and Godsmack. They continue to put out new music, more for themselves and the diehard fans, with the same formula. I’m still buying it. Well, 311 that is. For the country enthusiast out there, Keith Urban is coming to town. The Grammy-winning artist is out on his “Get Closer 2011 World Tour,” which lands in the James Brown Arena Saturday, Aug. 13. If you weren’t one of the lucky fans to get tickets to the sold-out show, you can check out the “KICKS 99 Block Party” featuring American Idol star Danny Gokey. The free all- ages show will be in the JBA parking lot from 4-7 p.m. on the day of the show. That is about as close as you are going to get to Keith Urban this time. For me, the only thing that could get me to a Keith Urban concert is Nicole Kidman. She has nice teeth. My retro plug for this week: “Birthday” by Sugarcubes. Sure, Bjork is certifiably a nut bar, but this song is awesome. I can still picture her trying to stab teddy bears with forks. She seems nice. For music and shows that you want me to check out, email matt@ themetorspirit.com. For all of your hate mail, hit up the Whine Line at metrospirit.com. Bjork

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 39

and the Family Fold Blue Horse Bistro Live Music The Cotton Patch Paul Arrowood Country Club Ross Coppley Band Coyote’s Amy Taylor Fox’s Lair David Riggs Imperial Theatre Ed Turner’s Rock and Soul Review James Brown Arena Keith Urban Joe’s Underground The Atom Blondes P.I. Bar and Grill Not Gaddy Polo Tavern Jim Fisher Band Sector 7G Knock Em Dead, Mazes and Monsters, Dan Lozzi, Currents, The Radar Cinema, Dependency, Panic Manor, Ironwill, Collin Sky City Hellblinki, Mann Ray, Alison Foster Somewhere in Augusta Daddy Grace Surrey Tavern Soul Dimensions Wild Wing High Maintenance

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s DJ Rana Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Cocktails Lounge Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge Reggae Night with Island Vybez The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke One Hundred Laurens DJ Kenny Ray The Playground DJ Fugi Tropicabana Salsa Saturday Wooden Barrel Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, August 14 Live Music 8th Street Riverfront Stage Candlelight Jazz w/ Rob Foster & Pulsar Crums on Central Jim Perkins P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Wild Wing Doug Jones

What’s Tonight? Caribbean Soul Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Denny Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Monday, August 15 Live Music Hopelands Gardens Aiken Big Band Soul Bar Metal Monday

What’s Tonight? Applebee’s (Evans) Trivia Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke

40 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

Malibu Jack’s Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Somewhere In Augusta Poker Tourney Wild Wing Trivia and Karaoke

Tuesday, August 16 Live Music Blue Horse Bistro Tim Sanders Cocktails Lounge Live Music First Baptist Church of Augusta Back to School Bash w/ Royal Tailor, Caleb, Samestate Fox’s Lair John Fisher Joe’s Underground Happy Bones Wild Wing Tim White The Willcox Hal Shreck

What’s Tonight? Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge Dart League Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Denny Somewhere in Augusta Trivia with Charles

Wednesday, August 17 Live Music 209 on the River Smooth Grooves Joe’s Underground Sibling String Malibu Jack’s Marilyn Adcock Millbrook Baptist Church in Aiken Back to School Bash w/ Royal Tailor, Caleb, Samestate Wild Wing Dirty Blue Dress The Willcox Hal Shreck

What’s Tonight? Club Argos Santoni’s Satin Dolls Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Cocktails Lounge Augusta’s Got Talent The Cotton Patch Trivia and Tunes with Cliff Bennett Laura’s Backyard Tavern Karaoke The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad Jazz DJ The Playground Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern Karaoke with Tom Mitchell Somewhere In Augusta The Comedy Zone with Tim Wilson

Upcoming Lexie’s Legacy Benefit Concert w/ G-City Rockers, Panic Manor, Josh Pierce, The Radar Cinema, She ‘N She Sky City August 19 Betsy Franck Stillwater Tap Room August 19 Jared Ashley Band Country Club August 19 The Packway Handle Band The Thomson Depot August 19

the download Josh Ruffin

Josh Ruffin is a published journalist and poet, who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.

All About Words (And Not the Facebook Game) Poetry Of f the Shelf: “The Poetry of a Typo” In places like the Czech Republic and Ireland, poets are still borderline rock stars, read with enthusiasm and aplomb by aristocrats and millworkers alike. In our country, on the other hand, you can swing a 20-mile-long dead cat without hitting someone who blinks when they hear the name “Mark Doty” or “Paul Muldoon.” As a poet — and, admittedly, I say this in the same context that Charlie Sheen might say “As a sane, fully functional member of society” — this is disheartening. And so I say unto you, ‘Merica and ‘Gusta, that The Poetry Foundation’s “Poetry Off the Shelf” podcast is as good a place as any to start getting your asses in gear. Curtix Fox hosts an ongoing dialogue about not only the syntactical intricacies of individual poems, but also the business of poetry in today’s world, its relationship to an environment whose apathy to art and literature seems to widen daily. The most recent episode highlights poet Fred Moten, and features a reading of his Katrina-tinged poem “The Salve Trade,” which came about as the result of a typo too obvious to delineate here. Moten and Fox speak at length concerning the poem’s origin and function, specifically the “complicated position of an African-American intellectual to working-class blacks.” The episodes are relatively short, and refreshingly digestable, so take 10 minutes and get your verse on. Visit http://feeds.poetryfoundation.org/poetryofftheshelf BBC’s The World: “The World in Words” It’s not news that a good deal of Western political proceedings are increasingly dominated by the spewing of ideological drivel, a characteristic that likens today’s political landscape to two monkeys flinging hunks of differently odored poo (which both Mitt Romney and Keith Olbermann use to grease their hair) at one another. So it’s nice when an issue gets thoughtfully broken down in the context of whatever elements really characterize the issue. Take the latest edition of “The World in Words,” wherein the conservativecontrolled British government has enacted a law requiring anyone desiring a work visa to display a minimal command of English. The law is being challenged in court by an Indian-born woman (naturalized as a British citizen), whose 58-year-old husband is unable, under the current parameters, to obtain such a visa. Host Patrick Fox and guests dissect the issue utilizing cultural and semantic vocabularies, producing a compelling dialogue. As an aside, the issue of wordplay figures into Prime Minister David Cameron’s framing of the issue as one of “promoting integration into the mainstream” with the supposed purpose of encouraging cultural integration. Elsewhere on the podcast, the hosts cover Sudanese language classes in Anchorage, an English town that has outlawed public cursing (good f***cking luck during the Rugby World Cup), and, perhaps most gripping, a conversation with Greg Barker, director of the new documentary “Koran by Heart,” which chronicles a group of young Muslim children as they participate in competitive Koran recitation. It’s a good segment, highlighted by audio snippets of the children’s melodic recitations. Open your eyes and your earholes, people. Visit theworld.org/rss/twiw.xml

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dark AFTER

earDRUM What I Learned at The Kroc Center Grand Opening

Cowboy Mouth This past Saturday, I was pressed into service as a production assistant on the Gluestick staff (production company... you know them, they put on 12 Bands of Christmas and Rock Fore! Dough every year, among other things). These events are always a fun hang and it was to be an opportunity to see the high-energy Fred Leblanc and his band Cowboy Mouth for free... with a fireworks show at the end of the evening. You just can’t beat that. My role at the event changed before I ever left my house. As it turned out, the show’s opening act, Tara Scheyer and The Mudpuppy Band, had to cancel on short notice. As result I ended up onstage behind the drumkit that evening as The Joe Stevenson Band stepped in to fill the slot last minute. That’s not the important part. What’s important is the fact that Tara had to cancel because she was on a flight to Mississippi to attend a funeral. Sadly, her grandmother had passed away. The Scheyer family was already in the middle of a rough patch after having to put down one of their fur kids earlier in the week. Heartfelt sympathies go out to the Scheyer family. It is my sincere hope that they are soon back to making music that brings smiles to the faces of children all over the area. PBS really should consider The Mudpuppy Band for a children’s television show. One other thing of note from my day on the canal. I ran into Chip Creamer who I’ve known for a very long time. If you recognize the name, it’s likely because he’s been a fixture V. 22 | NO. 51

on local news broadcasts for years now. However, besides being a reporter, Chip is also a ravenous music fan (he was there expressly to get his Cowboy Mouth vinyl autographed). He quickly informed me that he was involved in the reunion plans of seminal garage/indie rock band The Fungoes. The band, which originally featured Dan Blahoe on vocals, John Brownlee on bass, Bill Scoggins on guitar and Richard Daniel on drums, plans to begin playing live shows in the coming months with Creamer replacing Blahoe on vocals and a female Fort Gordon soldier filling in for Brownlee on bass. For someone like me, this news is interesting for more than just the nostalgia quotient. I remember being in high school at Davidson and seeing these paper fliers (remember those?) being circulated for shows with bands like The Fungoes and Inspected By 12, and Then They Told Stories and The Crawling Pegs. This was the mid-late ’80s and signaled the dawning of a very rich time for original music in Augusta. I consider The Fungoes to be pioneers of the DIY/indie rock movement here in town. That’s gotta be worth something, right? I look forward to seeing The Fungoes live real soon. To find out more about what’s going on in area music, listen to the podcast I co-host each week with my good buddy John “Stoney” Cannon. Confederationofloudness.com is the spot. See y’all at the rock show... Stak

Lara Fortune

Lara Fortune is real, fun and she gets around, which is mandatory if you’re going to be our heels on the ground. Did we mention she’s real?

You Wish, Guys! The tide constantly flows in and out. And so do the crowds at local nightclubs. A club can be packed every single Thursday night. Then, for no apparent reason whatsoever, it disappears. Club managers are known to jump in their cars and go find it. Well, Friday and Saturday nights have flown to a certain Washington Road bar, while Thursdays seem to be staying on the Hill. Once the crowd leaves, it takes months to get it back. And no one rules for more than six months or so. I’m not talking about the restaurant/bars. I mean the nightclubs. The mix has to be just right or, boom, overnight. Not that I was around then, but I know from conversations it has always been that way in Augusta. Back in the days when a beeper was about the best you could do. With all we have at our fingertips you can only imagine how quickly the herd shifts.

So club owners, you better keep it fresh and so clean clean. But when it comes down to it, the real parties are in the suburbs. If you go to a bar, you get drunk and you leave. And there are cops there. You go to a house party and there are no rules whatsoever. One more thing. What is going on with girls faking being pregnant? I have a few male friends who heard their short flings were preggers when they went to break up. So they buy another month. Then the baby mysteriously is lost. And guess what ladies? So is the guy. That is a twisted way to hold on to a man. And as far as all girls under 25 experimenting with other girls, that’s news to me. I have a couple of girl friends who get all flirty with me when they get drunk and try and molest me and stuff, but nothing too serious. I think it’s really just a figment of boys’ overactive imaginations!

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ART

Traveling Comedian Cop Veteran comic Tim Wilson visits Augusta next week

Tim Wilson is a pretty funny guy, but the Columbus, Ga., comedian is completely serious when it comes to another topic. “I’m trying to prove that Ted Bundy murdered four women in Columbus, Georgia, in 1978,” he said. “I believe I’ve proved it. I’m going to do a documentary where I lay it out and people can see it. I’m positive he did it.” Wilson said his theory about the notorious serial killer came out of a writing project that he started to take his mind off comedy. “I have a writing partner who’s named Roger Keiss, a comedian friend of mine from Chatanooga Tennessee, and we wrote a detective book about Ted Bundy, and it’s about a four to five hundred page book and we’ve been working on this thing for three and a half, four years and I still got another year and a half to go,” he said. “I started working on this detective book and it got my mind off comedy so it makes doing comedy that much more fun. Not thinking about it 24 hours a day.” Wilson, who celebrates 28 years in comedy today, Aug. 11, rolls into town next Wednesday for a show at Somewhere in Augusta. “I’ve been working in Augusta ever since I started comedy. I used to do

the old Post Office, Comedy House Theater and stuff,” he said from his hometown, where he was visiting his brother a press time. “Augusta is kinda like Columbus with a mirror put to it, you know?” Being delicate, we asked about hooking up with the local ladies while he was in town. “In the old days,” he admitted. “The first time I ever got any ever was in Augusta Georgia.”

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Miriam Murrell, Justin Reeves, Simone Bridgeforth and Kara Peeler at the First Friday flash mob on Broad Street.

42 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

Wilson became popular as a comedian during the era of the comedy record. “Over the years I don’t know exactly but I’m approaching 600,000 comedy records over a period of about 10 years,” he said. “When I put out a comedy record they typically sell 60,000 to 70,000 units.” Wilson estimates that he’s made nearly 20 comedy albums during his career, but says his earnings from this

part of the business aren’t what they used to be. And not just for him. “Four years ago Larry the Cable Guy sold something like three or four million copies. And now he’ll have a hard time selling a half a million. He’s doing about 10 percent of what he used to do,” he explained. “And that’s me as well. I’m used to selling 80,000 copies. Now I have a hard time selling eight [thousand]. The comedy album business has gotten hard. There aren’t

sightings

Dr. Mary Murray, Rositsa Lawrence, Niki Harris and Amy Nesbit at the First Friday flash mob on Broad Street.

Choreographers Katie Eaker, Kandace Dutton, Sharon Mayfield and Latrisa Simpson at the First Friday flash mob on Broad Street.

V. 22 | NO. 51

any record stores, any radio people who will play them, and it’s just a whole different world.” Does he have any interest in joining that world? Maybe doing a podcast? “No, I don’t do podcasts cause I’m old,” he laughed. “I just turned 50. I don’t understand podcasts. I grew up listening to Jim Stafford and Ray Stevens. You know, make a comedy record, get it on the radio and people show up and watch you. The way I get people in the shows is radio. I’m a radio guy. I do John Boy and Billy in the south and a show called Bob and Tom who seem to win a Marconi Award about every year and they’re on in 80 to 100 cities. So if people get familiar with you on the radio, you know, that’s my podcast.” Live is where Wilson says he shines, however. But he says that people are sometimes shocked by the difference in Tim Wilson live and Tim Wilson recorded. “Live I’m meaner. Comedy records you have to beep ‘em and keep ‘em pretty clean. My stuff on stage, a lot of that is learned,” he explained. “You know, the kind of folks who like my act like to get involved in my act. So I have to put a little bit of a stop to that or it’ll spread. You have to show ‘em that you don’t put up with too much shit early.” Wilson has a country twang perfect for a character actor or at least voice talent in animation. Is it something he’d ever consider? “I tried out for a thing called ‘Squidbillies’ and everyone is always asking if that’s me cause it sounds kinda like me sped up,” he said. “In some ways I think they sort of stole

my voice and sped it up and all, but what are you going to do? I have a distinctive voice.” “There are places I go where I don’t think people actually understand me. I have to stay away from those places,” he continued. “My voice has really helped me on the radio but has really hurt me on TV. I’d like to be an actor. I’d like to do westerns. I could be in a western today, it’s just I’m not willing to go to Hollywood and do what you’ve got to do to get in.” What he is willing to do is the footwork on his side project, nailing down proof that Ted Bundy also killed women in Columbus. “It’s a completely original thought. It’s mine,” he said. “I was reading a book about some murders in Columbus, Georgia, written by some guy from England and I noticed some teeth evidence and I started working my way backward. I mean I’ll never go down as a genius as a comedian but this is the closest I ever got to genius. It took a long time. That’s what I’m doing today. I just went to the clerk of court looking at crime scene photos. I’m sort of a traveling comedian cop.” Tim Wilson Somewhere in Augusta Wednesday, August 17 8 p.m. $12 (no free passes or coupons) 706-739-0002 somewhereinaugusta.com

gourmet R

Gourmet Relay is a weekly column in which local cooks share a recipe with Metro Spirit readers, then pass the tongs off to another cook of their choosing, who will be featured the following week. Dr. Holland Maness is an orthodontist in private practice, “hence my connection and friendship with the gourmet chef, Dr. Rosa Blanco,” she says of last week’s Gourmet Relay subject. A native of the CSRA, Holland grew up in Beech Island and attended the College of Charleston, where she lived for seven years. When she’s not working, Holland says she loves to run, kayak and travel with her two teens and husband. “And of course, eat,” she says, “which is why I run!” That, she says, especially applies to this rich recipe. Dr. Holland Maness

Charleston Mac ‘n Cheese Holland says this recipe “is not for the calorie conscious — but you will not regret it.” 8 oz. Gouda cheese, shredded 8 oz. Swiss cheese, shredded 8 oz. Cheddar cheese, shredded 8 oz. Gorgonzola cheese, crumbled 8 oz. Parmesan cheese, shredded 1 qt. heavy cream 1 large box (2 lbs.) macaroni noodles, cooked according to package directions and drained Set rack in top third of oven and preheat broiler. Bring cream to a boil in a large, heavy-bottomed sauce pan, taking care not to let the cream boil over. Reduce to a simmer and gradually whisk in the Gouda, Swiss, Cheddar, Gorgonzola and Parmesan cheeses. Continue to whisk until the cheeses are melted and the sauce is thick. Fold in the well-drained macaroni noodles. Place pan under boiler and heat until the cheese is lightly browned on top, 3 to 5 minutes. Watch closely as this happens quickly. Serve warm.

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sightings

John Markwalter and Molly McDowell with Phil and Catherine Wahl at the First Friday flash mob on Broad Street.

V. 22 | NO. 51

John Eric Harrison, Alyssa Lamb, Stephanie Silva and Becky Rosier at Augusta Idol 2011 at the Imperial Theatre.

Judges Isaac Holmes, Mollie Baldwin, Dakota West and Deanna Brown Thomas at Augusta Idol 2011 at the Imperial Theatre.

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 43

JENNY is WRIGHT

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

15 Things in 5 Minutes I sent The Kids back to school today. Chaos breeds chaos, so here are my random thoughts. If it seems that some of these are complaints, well, maybe they are. If you’re offended, I’ll bet you’ve been one of the offenders. 1. Just because you can buy a size 6 doesn’t mean you should squeeze yourself into it. If I can see the entire outline of your undergarments, your clothing is too tight. 2. Cover it up, ladies. This includes but is not only specific to the scantily clad lady I saw at the grocery store. I know that it was hot. We were all hot. A white ribbed tank top and black thong do not an outfit make. Sure, I saw your slippers but I missed your pants. Stretching a tank top down past your behind doesn’t turn it into a dress. 3. The same people who complained about the cold are now groaning about the heat. You can’t have it both ways, people. The way I see it, people complaining about the cold have a leg to stand on. We live in Augusta. It’s not supposed to get that cold here. As for the heat? It’s August in the South. DEAL. 4. Wasn’t everyone taught to stay in the right lane except to pass? 5. I’m no speed demon but am baffled by those who drive excessively slowly. They must literally spend all day in the car. 6. The use of the word “literally” has completely gotten out of hand. “I literally crapped my pants when I saw our power bill.” Really? 7. A breast-feeding baby has hit toy store shelves. Actually, I hear that it’s sold out on Amazon. My only problem with the whole thing is that they provide a bra for little girls (or boys!) to wear. A five year old doesn’t need a bra for any reason. Unless it’s padded. Only big perky ones for my little princess.

(she’s one of them). Notice I didn’t say six girls. One’s a boy. You know you live in Augusta when… 10. The Kids are riding the bus home from school this year. I’m feeling pretty empty knowing that I’ll miss all kinds of good people watching. Interviews have begun for a stand-in snooper and cheater catcher. 11. Someone found my blog by searching “church no underwear.” I’d love to know how that worked out. 12. We were having lunch at the Augusta Country Club yesterday. While discussing putting together The Boy’s bunk beds, The Girl said “Oh, Daddy can do the banging and Mama can do the screwing!” 13. Later that night, The Boy said “So Mama, this is your first time screwing?” I love kids. I also love that The Man and I found this and No. 12 insanely funny. It was sort of like saying “butt” in front of an eight year old. 14. Some of my best friends and I had a conference call the other night. It was wonderfully chaotic. It was almost as good as seeing them in person. I did get disconnected at one point but they noticed. It was too quiet all of a sudden. I look forward to these monthly calls. 15. We are less than one month away from the start of college football. I don’t know about you, but I’m stocking up on Boston butts and cheap beer. This also means that fall is looming. Complainers about the weather, start thinking of your next gripe!

8. They’ve banned cell phones in Richmond County schools. What’s the big deal? The biggest argument for them seems to be that communication for after-school activities is necessary. What happened to “Soccer practice is over at 4. I’ll pick you up then”? The offices still have phones, right? 9. The Girl is in a kindergarten class where six children have double names

sightings

Rachel Hollar, Abigail Hollar, Rachel Tambron and Meredith Dailey at Augusta Idol 2011 at the Imperial Theatre.

44 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

Jordyn Eads, Josh Lines, Taylor Eads and Stephanie Rice at Augusta Idol 2011 at the Imperial Theatre.

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Josh and Courtney McCall with Lauren Kemp and Tony Bertucci at the Grand Opening Celebration of the Kroc Center.

V. 22 | NO. 51

free will Rob Brezsny

a s t r o l o g y freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

For 34 years, a diligent Californian named Scott Weaver worked on creating a scale model of San Francisco using toothpicks. Meanwhile, Eric Miklos, of New Brunswick, Canada, was assembling a 40-foot-long chain of bottle caps. And in 2006, a team of artists constructed a 67-foot-tall gingerbread house, the world’s largest, inside the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota. These are not the kinds of stupendous feats to get started on. You’ll attract blessings into your life if you launch deeply meaningful masterpieces, not trivial or silly ones. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Storyteller Clarissa Pinkola Estes loves life’s natural rhythms just as they are. She says we can avoid a lot of suffering if we understand how those rhythms work. “The cycles are birth, light and energy, and then depletion, decline and death,” she told Radiance magazine. Everything thrives and fades. After each phase of dissipation, new vitality incubates and blooms again. You are going through a period of dwindling and dismantling. The light is dimmer than usual, and the juice is sparser. But already, in the secret depths, a new dispensation is stirring. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Where do you want to be at this time next year? What do you want to be doing? Fantasize and scheme about these questions, and be alert for clues about possible prospects. Some foreshadowings of your future life may soon float into view, including a far-off whisper or a glimpse of the horizon that will awaken some of your dormant yearnings. Don’t make the mistake of thinking these visions must be acted upon instantly. Instead, ruminate leisurely, regarding them as the early hints of potential longrange developments.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

What images would be most helpful for you to fill your imagination up with? What scenes would heal and activate your subconscious mind, inspiring you in just the right ways? Make a list of at least five of these, and then visualize them often in the coming days. Here are a few possibilities to get you warmed up: peach trees filled with ripe fruit; a large chorus animatedly singing a song you love; the blissful face of a person you love. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Scientists have proved beyond a doubt that heavenly bodies cannot possibly exert forces that affect events on earth, right? Well, no, actually, according to research reported in the Dec. 24, 2009, edition of Nature. The gravitational tug of the sun and moon sends significant tremors through California’s San Andreas Fault, and could potentially trigger full-blown earthquakes. Those two luminaries, the sun and moon, may also generate a lurching but medicinal effect on you sometime soon. Are you ready for a healing jolt? It will relieve the tension that has been building up between two of your “tectonic plates.” AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“Follow your dreams,” read the headline on some random blog I stumbled upon, “except for the one in which you’re giving a speech in your underwear.” In the comments section, someone named “Mystic Fool” had posted a dissenting view: “I would much rather have a dream of giving a speech in my underwear than of being naked and drunk and inarticulate at a cocktail party, trying to hide behind the furniture.” Expressing yourself in a public way, even if you don’t feel fully prepared, will actually be a pretty good course of action — especially as compared to keeping silent and hiding.

it. Since the experiment began in 1927, eight drops have fallen. You’re engaged in a similar long-term process. A new drop is about to drip. ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Dr. Larry Dossey thinks we shouldn’t just automatically dismiss the voices that speak to us in the privacy of our own heads. Some of them may actually have wise counsel, or at least interesting evidence about the state of our inner world. Besides, says Dossey, “it is vital for our mental health to keep the channels open, because when the voices of the gods are shut out, the devils often take up residence.” Don’t let the nagging, blustering or unhinged murmurs in your head drown out the still, small voice of lucid intuition. TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

What are you going to do to attract or induce the phenomena in the list below? At least three of them could come your way in the days ahead: 1. a “limitation” that leads to more freedom; 2. an imaginative surrender that empowers you to make a seemingly impossible breakthrough; 3. a healthy shock to the system that tenderizes your emotions; 4. a tough task that clarifies and fine-tunes your ambition; 5. a seemingly lost chance that leads to a fresh promise through the vigorous

intervention of your creative willpower. GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Thirteen will be your lucky number for the foreseeable future. In fact, a host of things for which the average person has an irrational aversion could be helpful to you. For that matter, influences that you yourself may have considered in the past to be unsympathetic or uncongenial could very well be on your side, and may even conspire to enlighten and delight you. Shed your superstitions, suspend your iffy biases and dismiss your outworn fears. CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Anne Cushman wrote a book called “Enlightenment for Idiots,” a novel about a spiritual truth-seeker wandering through India. No one has written an actual instructional manual with the theme she named in her title. If anyone could do it, though, it would be you right now. Lately, you’ve been getting smarter by doing the most ordinary things. You’ve been drawing life-enhancing lessons from events that others might regard as inconsequential or unsophisticated. Through the power of simplicity and directness, you will succeed at tasks that might have defeated you if you had allowed yourself to get lost in complicated theories and overlythought-out approaches. Congrats!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that you can’t get The Most Beautiful Thing. It’s out of reach forever. Would you be able to forgive life for not providing you with your No. 1 heart’s desire, and then make your way into the future with no hard feelings? If so, you would be wellprimed to cultivate a relationship with The Second Most Beautiful Thing.

V. 22 | NO. 51

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

Some substances that seem to be rock solid are in fact fluids that move verrrryyy slowly. Bitumen is one example. It’s a form of petroleum also known as pitch. In a famous experiment, an Australian researcher set up an apparatus that allowed a blob of pitch to gradually drip into a container below

METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 45

SEPARATE CHECKS By Pamela Klawitter / Edited by Will Shortz

46 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

4 19

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answers

DOWN 1 Hospital wings 2 Language akin to Kalaallisut 3 Like Gomer Pyle 4 See 5 Had a balance 6 Dry’s partner 7 Not yet final, at law 8 Leaves a crooked trail 9 Owned up to 10 ___ Marquez, Nickelodeon cartoon girl 11 ___-at-law: Abbr. 12 Master 13 Game with a setter 14 ... in 1-/4-Across 15 Pitcher’s place 16 “___ out?” (poker query) 17 Merchandise ID 19 Cowardly sound 28 Unfold 29 Miami squad 31 Dada figure 35 Tightfisted sort 37 Silliness 38 Missing, as the start of a party 39 The U.N.’s ___ Ki-moon 40 Definitely not Felix Unger types 42 “___ Pastore” (Mozart opera) 43 Honorary law degs. 44 Inches for pinches 45 Buenos ___ 46 Lake ___, Switzerland/France separator 47 Some tails, for short 49 Add to, perhaps 53 Uncle ___ 54 Brief word of caution 56 ... in 12-/35-Down 57 Pulitzer-winning Sheehan 60 France from France 61 “Do You Hear What I Hear?,” e.g. 62 “In case you didn’t hear me ...” 65 1970s TV spinoff 66 Wrap for a queen 68 Big bargain 69 Ankle supports 71 Piece of work? 74 Even chances 75 A perfect score on it is 180: Abbr. 76 Daily weather datum 77 Aoki of the World Golf Hall of Fame 78 Off-road specialist 79 2003 Affleck/Lopez flick 80 Century 21 competitor 83 “I’m listening” 84 ___ leash 87 “View of Toledo” artist 88 U.K. carrier, once 89 Word with cherry or cotton 91 Rush igniter 93 Offshore accommodations 96 Actors’ grp. 99 Sally ___ (teacakes) 100 Show-biz father and son 101 Graceful word? 102 Program coordinator? 104 Vituperate 105 Japanese noodle 106 Part of AARP: Abbr. 107 Small: Suffix 108 Outlet 109 Mode 111 Strauss’s “Ariadne ___ Naxos”

previous week’s

ACROSS 1 When repeated, advantageous to both sides 4 71 answers in this puzzle 9 Get used to it 14 Several CBS dramas 18 “___ Story: A Journey of Hope” (Jenna Bush best seller) 20 Expect 21 French toast piece? 22 It might be pulled 23 Pompeii, e.g. 24 Bride in “The Gondoliers” 25 “What the Butler Saw” playwright, 1969 26 Noted diamond family name 27 See circled letters in 76-/109-Down 30 Restless walker 32 Title character in a 2009 Sandra Bullock crossword film 33 “Well, I’ll be!” 34 “Told ya so!” looks 36 “Fear is pain rising from the anticipation of ___”: Aristotle 39 Wampum, e.g. 41 Endangered 44 … in 119-/120-Across 48 Sweetheart 50 Sweetheart 51 Part of a pack? 52 Panamanians and Peruvians 53 1960 Olympics host 54 Duel tool 55 Radii, e.g. 57 Cut 58 Some drink garnishes 59 Place for some animal baiting 60 Sharpness 62 Bit of physics 63 Hostess’s ___ Balls 64 ... in 116-/117-Across 67 Summer letters 70 Enter, for one 72 Give a hard time 73 Check, as one’s numbers 76 Huntee in a game 79 Mounted 80 Authorizes 81 “Of thee” follower 82 Michael Jordan, e.g. 83 Conservative side 85 Comparison’s middle 86 T. S. of literature 87 Neither more nor less, in France 88 ... in 39-/60-Down 90 Item in a restaurant basket 92 Virus named for a river 94 French CD holder 95 Enemy of a Medici 97 Composition of many a cask 98 Techie’s hangout 102 It may have sand in it 103 ... in 17-/43-Down 109 User-edited Web site 110 Words on a sandwich board 112 Emerson’s “___ Beauty” 113 “The Neverending Story” writer 114 Upper class? 115 First woman to teach at the Sorbonne 116 “Think” or “Think different” 117 They’re stranded, briefly 118 Times past 119 Best ___ 120 Rear’s rear? 121 Radiator sound

V. 22 | NO. 51

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V. 22 | NO. 51

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METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 47

THE

BOX TOPS

Apes tackle Smurfs, cowboys, aliens, Captain America... and a couple of guys who switch bodies to take the top spot at the box office last weekend. RANK TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

RISE OF THE PLANET...

$54,806,191

THE SMURFS

$20,702,415

$75,904,246

COWBOYS & ALIENS

$15,729,455

$67,349,520

THE CHANGE-UP

$13,531,115

CAPTAIN AMERICA

$13,021,922

$143,203,967

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” Sam Eifling A world ruled by apes seems an upgrade from people in this origins story Even the name “Planet of the Apes” today rings with the kitschy echo of that first, 1968 sci-fi classic that, woe unto the successful, now evokes nothing as strongly as Charlton Heston on a beach weeping at the sight of the Statue of Liberty in ruins. It has been spoofed endlessly and famously since — the nod at the end of “Spaceballs” and the “Simpsons” musical starring Troy McClure both were devastating, if hilarious — and has suffered similarly to “Soylent Green,” oddly enough another dystopian Heston artifact of the era. Maybe it’s a pitfall of powerful writing or a knock on the depth of the movies themselves, but it’s of no help to a film’s place in history if it can be summarized in a single line, whether that’s “Soylent Green is people!” or “You maniacs! You blew it up!” What propelled those lines was their significance to the key twist in the plot. In the original “Planet,” that was, obviously, that the apparent alien world the astronauts had found was actually Earth. (That sounds quaint now, but if you saw it at age 10, not expecting the reveal, it was a damn

spooky concept.) There’s not much in the way of catchy lines during “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” a clunky title that would have done just fine as “Rise of the Apes” if the franchise hadn’t demanded the hat-tip. What “Rise” does well, though, is set in motion a series of plausible (as these things go, anyway) events that we’re told, with admirable subtlety, will explain the simian world of the original “Planet.” It also will have you wondering whether an entire planet of these apes wouldn’t represent at least a marginal upgrade from this planet of the humans. To get from the apes who fling feces at school children to the apes who speak in continental accents and run everything, you have to make them very smart indeed. Fortunately, in San Francisco, a lab-coated James Franco is concocting a viral treatment that helps the brain regenerate cells, in his post at a major pharma outfit that intends to get stinking rich by curing Alzheimer’s. When the test chimp for this project has to be put down, the good doctor adopts her newborn, who soon exhibits incredible intelligence.

With his father (John Lithgow) struck by dementia, the doctor is soon testing the treatment on him, and finds that it shows explosive results, but fades. When he develops a “more aggressive” version of the stuff, and resumes trials with new subjects, we soon see supersmart chimps quite upset with their surroundings. And the now-grown baby, Ceasar, is able to rally his primate brethren in what amounts to a prison movie inside a medical thriller. PETA apparently put its stamp of approval on “Rise,” as the film offers a fairly bleak view of animal testing and animal imprisonment. That arises mainly from the empathetic performance as Caesar by Andy Serkis, who has made a brilliant career, truly, from running around in monochrome suits and having characters digitally

superimposed on his form, from his “Lord of the Rings” turn as Golem to Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” (he was Kong) to, now, a hyper-intelligent ape who must carry the emotional heft of the story without dialogue. Rupert Wyatt’s direction favors a tighter, more intimate story than you might be expecting, and, in the end, you might be let down if you want to see widespread CGI devastation. But there’s nothing here but pure summer popcorn flick. Stick around through the credits to see, with brutal concision, how the world ends. You’ll leave humming Patrick Doyle’s score and recalling that ape shall never kill ape. That old adage, however, doesn’t stop humans from accidentally doing a real number on humans.

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Opening Friday, August 12 Comedy “30 Minutes or Less,” rated R, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari. This black comedy may have Oscar nominee Jesse Eisenberg (“The Social Network”), but Tom Haverford from TV’s “Parks and Rec” (Aziz Ansari) may steal the show in this tale of a pizza delivery slacker (Eisenberg) who’s made to rob a bank because a couple of guys strap a bomb to his chest. Bummer.

Drama “The Help,” rated PG-13, starring Emma Stone, Viola Davis, Bryce Dallas Howard, Octavia Spencer, Allison Janney, Cicely Tyson, Sissy Spacek. The book is a beloved hit, an instant classic to many. So can this story of 1960s segregated Mississippi, and the book one white writer creates from the perspective of the black “help,” live up to the hype? One thing’s for sure: It’ll be a hit either way.

Horror “Final Destination 5,” rated R, starring Courtney B. Vance. So… if it has “final” in the name, why are there now five of these movies?

Musical

D N E M M O C E R E W “Magnolia” The only movie, in our humble opinion, in which Tom Cruise’s gargantuan ego and crazyballs personality work to his character’s advantage, this 1999 film is considered by many to be director and writer Paul Thomas Anderson’s crowning achievement. But it’s not for everybody. Those who hate movies with several parallel stories, whose characters spin in and out of each other’s orbit (and you can normally count us first in line in that category), will not be able to stand the first 10 of the film’s 188 minutes. And if they do, the incredibly ridiculous (though totally fitting) climax will send them off the rails. What does it have going for it, then? Amazing performances, especially from Cruise, Julianne Moore and Philip Seymour Hoffman, and a soundtrack from Aimee Mann so good you’ll still be listening to it 12 years later. And by you we mean we. — MS

EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT

“Glee: The 3D Concert,” rated PG, starring Lea Michele, Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch. A concert documentary shot during the Glee Live! In Concert summer 2011 tour. Gah.

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THE8ERS Bosses (R) 3:05, 5:25, 7:45, 10:05; Zookeeper (PG) 2:40, 5:10, 7:35, 10 August 13 30 Minutes or Less (R) 12:40, 3:15, 5:30, 7:50, 10:05; Final Destination 5 (R) 12:30, 3, 5:20, 7:40, 9:55; Glee the 3D Concert Movie (PG) 12:05, 2:15, 4:40, 7:05, 9:25; The Help (PG-13) 1, 4:30, 8; The Change-Up (R) noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Rise of the Planet of the Apes (PG-13) noon, 1:15, 2:25, 3:40, 4:50, 6:30, 7:15, 9, 9:45; Cowboys & Aliens (PG-13) 1:25, 4:10, 7, 9:50; Crazy, Stupid, Love. (PG-13) 1:35, 4:20, 7:10, 9:50; The Smurfs (PG) 12:20, 2:50, 5:05, 7:20, 9:35; Captain America: The First Avenger (PG-13) 1:10, 4, 6:50, 9:40; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (PG-13) 12:50, 3:50, 6:45, 9:40; Horrible Bosses (R) 12:45, 3:05, 5:25, 7:45, 10:05; Zookeeper (PG) 12:10, 2:40, 5:10, 7:35, 10

The Big Mo August 12-13 Main Field: The Smurfs (PG) and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (PG-13) ; Screen 2: Final Destination 5 (R) and Horrible Bosses (R); Screen 3: Cowboys & Aliens (PG-13) and The Change-UP (R). Gates open at 7 p.m.; shows begin at 8:30 p.m. (approximately)

Masters 7 Cinemas August 12 Larry Crowne (PG-13) 5, 7:30, 10:10; Green Lantern (PG-13) 5:15, 7:45, 10:15; Mr. Popper’s Penguins (PG) 5:30, 7:45, 10:15; X-Men: First Class (PG-13) 4:15, 7:15, 10; The Hangover: Part II (R) 4:30, 7:15, 9:30; Kung Fu Panda 2 (PG) 5:15, 7:30, 9:45; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 4, 7, 10 August 13 Larry Crowne (PG-13) 12:30, 2:45, 5, 7:30, 10:10; Green Lantern (PG13) 12:30, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45, 10:15; Mr. Popper’s Penguins (PG) 12:45, 3, 5:30, 7:45, 10:15; X-Men: First Class (PG-13) 1:15, 4:15, 7:15, 10; The Hangover: Part II (R) 1:30, 4:30, 7:15, 9:30; Kung Fu Panda 2 (PG) 1, 3:10, 5:15, 7:30, 9:45; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG13) 12:45, 4, 7, 10

Regal Exchange 20 August 12-13 Final Destination 5 (R) 12:30, 1, 2:45, 3:15, 5, 5:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 9:25, 10:05, 10:30, 11:45, 12:25; 30 Minutes or Less (R) 12:20, 2:30, 4:40, 5:30, 7:25, 7:55, 9:45, 10:20, 12:15; Glee the 3D Concert Movie (PG) 12:15, 2:25, 4:50, 7:15, 9:30, 11:50; The Help (PG-13) noon, 1, 4, 4:40, 7:10, 7:50, 10:15, 11; The Change-Up (R) 1:55, 4:35, 7:15, 9:55, 10:25, 12:30; Rise of the Planet of the Apes (PG-13) 12:05, 1:30, 2:30, 4, 5, 7, 7:30, 9:30, 10, 12:10, 12:30; Cowboys & Aliens (PG-13) 2:05, 4:50, 7:35, 10:20; Crazy, Stupid, Love. (PG-13) 1:35, 4:15, 7:05, 9:50, 12:25; The Smurfs (PG) noon, 2:05, 2:35, 4:45, 7:20, 7:50, 9:50; Captain America: The First Avenger (PG-13) 12:05, 12:25, 2:50, 4:05, 5:35, 7:10, 8:25, 11:20; Friends With Benefits (R) 5:05, 10:25; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (PG-13) 12:45, 2, 4:10, 4:55, 7:55, 10:45; Winnie the Pooh (G) 12:55, 2:55; Horrible Bosses (R) 4:45, 7:20, 9:45, 12:05; Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) 1:10, 4:30, 8:05, 11:30; Cars 2 (G) 12:10, 2:50

Evans Cinemas

H T 4 2 & D R 3 2 . T P E S S A G E V

August 12 30 Minutes or Less (R) 3:15, 5:30, 7:50, 10:05; Final Destination 5 (R) 3, 5:20, 7:40, 9:55; Glee the 3D Concert Movie (PG) 2:15, 4:40, 7:05, 9:25; The Help (PG-13) 4:30, 8; The Change-Up (R) 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Rise of the Planet of the Apes (PG-13) 2:25, 3:40, 4:50, 6:30, 7:15, 9, 9:45; Cowboys & Aliens (PG-13) 4:10, 7, 9:50; Crazy, Stupid, Love. (PG-13) 4:20, 7:10, 9:50; The Smurfs (PG) 2:50, 5:05, 7:20, 9:35; Captain America: The First Avenger (PG-13) 4, 6:50, 9:40; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (PG-13) 3:50, 6:45, 9:40; Horrible

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METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11 51

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-TalkSports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com.

Ball

Matt Lane

More H.S. Team Capsules With the high-school football season fast approaching, here is what local fans can expect from some of their favorite teams.

Richmond Academy

Lakeside

Head Coach Chris Hughes has done a great job in restoring order to the football program at Georgia’s oldest public high school. His team’s offensive production the past few years has commanded attention throughout the area. Gifted athletes at the quarterback position, such as the 2009 3-AAAA Region Player of the Year Mar-Quan Medlock, and dual-threat, all-everything Drek Reid, have flourished under Hughes’ system. New starter and junior Thomas Ellison has been sharpening his skills over the past few years and looks to keep this group on the path of success. But whereas in previous years, where the skill positions were the strongest point of the Musketeers team, line play, both offensive and defensive, will be the strong suit for this year’s team. Starting with junior Will Jones (6’7, 310), who will provide size and looks to have a strong impact at offensive tackle (and should be the first guy off the bus during away games), senior Diquan Washington (6’3, 220), who bolsters an already talented defensive line, and senior Marvin Davis (5’11, 260), who plays on both sides of the ball and will be essential to this team’s success.

This time last year, Jarrett Troxler (pictured in visor below) was already under the gun when it came to getting everything perfect for his first year as a head football coach. He was taking over a program from his mentor, who led the school to their best finish ever (10-2), establishing himself as the head coach instead of being a coordinator, and getting a light speed tutorial on offensive and defensive game planning instead of just one side of the ball. Everything seemed to go as planned, until his most athletic player on offense, quarterback Mark Weidenaar, went down with a season-ending knee injury. Troxler had planned on splitting time between Weidenaar and Ben Wilson — who went on to be the Region 2-AAAA North Player of the Year — but those plans were halted immediately. Troxler then went on to lose starting linebacker Kendal Parker to an injury and soon all Troxler could do was just sit and wonder what would happen next. The Panthers finished with a 4-6 record, with notable losses to Northside in Warner Robbins, North Augusta and perennial power Statesboro. Coach Troxler returns talented players on both sides of the ball for a season that hopefully will be remembered for who was on the field and not a reminder of who was off of it. Knock on wood.

No coach in the area deserves more credit for completely turning a program around than Butler’s Ashley Harden. Coming in to the job as the new head man in 2009, Butler had lost 31 straight games. Harden preached his message to his guys, and then proceeded to lose another 10 games. A serious punch in the stomach for any first year head coach looking to change a program spiraling out of control. He kept fighting, coaching, leading. And instead of losing, his team, they continued to buy what he was selling and that seed he planted blossomed into a 7-3 record last year. Harden himself will admit that they still have a long way to go, but Butler returns a nice senior class of players that contributed for the Bulldogs last season. Running backs Jeffery Menefee returns, as well as Christan Garnett, to lead their potent Wing-T offense. Defensive lineman Delonzo Harris returns after accumulating seven sacks last year to help lead a defense who have always had the athletes to succeed, but lacked the one thing that fuels any defense worth of note: Confidence.

52 METRO SPIRIT 8.11.11

photos by matt lane

Butler

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advice goddess Amy Alkon

Hold Me, Tightwad My boyfriend moved in with me after his landlord raised his rent. He announced that he’d give me $400 a month (half of what he was paying at his place), then cut that to $350. I pay $1,250 a month for my home loan and utilities, and more for groceries, lawn care, etc. Now he’s decided he shouldn’t have to pay anything because he never charged me when I stayed over frequently at his apartment one year. He occasionally buys groceries, takes me out to dinner monthly, and had a little remodeling done ($1,200). He also bought a freezer ($400) and a side of beef ($1,000). I love the guy. He’s lots of fun, sex is great and he only started being this way when he learned that I was helping my sons out with about $60 a month. (Both just graduated with extensive student loans.) He said he was never helped like this by his parents, and apparently money’s no problem for me if I do this. — Disturbed

There’s a time in a man’s life when he shouldn’t expect to contribute to keeping a roof over his head, and it’s when he’s waking up on sheets with little cartoon spaceships on them to go to his day job — attending fourth grade. What kind of disturbed cheapskate tells his girlfriend she’s lucky he didn’t charge her for rent, gas and electric on all those nights she didn’t drag herself out of his bed and drive home immediately after sex? But, wait — it gets better. He’s so petty that he justifies his freeloading by pointing to where some of your money’s going — to help your just-graduated kids out in a tough economy. (Some ladies have meth habits; it seems you have a nasty mothering habit.) And not that it’s any of his business, but wow, $60 a month? Why, with that kind of loot, your boys’ll be able to go in on a 2011 Jag — in another 1,166 years. Nothing says “We’re in it together, babe” like a man telling a woman she’ll be covering all the bills. Okay,

©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email adviceamy@aol.com. Also visit advicegoddess.com and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

so he was never helped out financially by his parents. We all have some point in our lives when Mommy didn’t give us a cookie. If it affects us long-term, the correct thing to do is work it out at Mr. Therapist’s office, not make it part of an elaborate rationale to stiff the girlfriend on living expenses. Sure, he contributes in some ways ($1,400 of frozen beef), maybe because he likes steak and maybe because he feels guilty for being a mooch, but your mortgage documents surely don’t allow you to pay with cash, check or cow. It shouldn’t be hard to get him to start contributing. Just hold him by the ankles and shake all the change out of

his pockets. What you can’t cure is the character flaw that leads him to show all the generosity of spirit of an angry accounts receivable clerk. Of course, it takes two to make the sponge dynamic work — one to do the squeezing and one to ignore being squeezed. Ask yourself whether you need a relationship — any relationship — so badly that you’ll settle for parasite/ hostess. That’s what you’ll keep settling for as long as you stay focused on the positives here, like how two can live as cheaply as one when one’s stiffing the other on the rent money, and how he’s so much fun and sex is so great. (It had better be. You’re paying $625 a month for it.)

Too Mosh Information I have tickets to a rock concert next week. I’m interested in a woman who works at my regular morning coffee shop. How do I ask her to dinner and the concert as a first date without it seeming like a consolation prize (like she was my last choice at this late date)? — Hopeful The issue isn’t the late date, but inviting a woman you barely know on a romance-soaked date-athalon, which is what it becomes when you add dinner to the equation. (Think hostage situation with linguini and roving violinists.) The concert invite alone is a bit much, with

the ticket price, two or three hours at the event and a couple hours getting in and out of the parking lot, but it allows for plausible deniability on the romantic nature of your intentions. If she’s not into you, she can play it like you just had an extra seat, and you can tell yourself she just wasn’t into Bowels of Satan or whomever and go back to your normal coffee provider/providee relationship. Ideally, though, you’d just invite her out for a drink, which would tell her what your intentions are, but without going straight from “Double latte, no foam” to “I’d like you to be my breed sow.”

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austin R

The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

The Battle for Harrisburg A few Fridays ago, my wife had to make apologies for me at a family get together. “Austin can’t make it tonight... he is riding around Harrisburg after sundown with two women, looking for trouble,” she explained. “Riding around in Harrisburg on a Friday night with two women,” her sister asked, “Aren’t you at all concerned?” “Nope,” she answered, “He is with Lori Davis and Sylvia Cooper... they will take care of him.” The outing was a field trip of sorts Lori told me she was taking to show Sylvia what is happening in the neighborhood she calls home. I went along for the ride, and we were driven by Phil Williams, the man who will soon succeed Lori as the president of the Harrisburg Neighborhood Association. Lori ran for mayor a few years ago out the frustration she feels over what she says is a complete lack of code enforcement and police presence in her neighborhood. Although she did not win, she brought a lot

of attention to the problems. Sadly, it does not seem to be getting much accomplished. In Augusta, if you abuse or neglect a kitty, you get the hoosegow. Abuse or neglect a home in Harrisburg, and prepare to get a strongly worded letter. Maybe. The night of our slum trek, we pulled over for a quick minute to look at my greatgrandmother’s old house on Fenwick Street, which she lived in until her death in 1973. MaMa Bentley lived alone there for years, and would often walk to Buck’s Produce Market, or Johnson’s over on Crawford Avenue, right down from the Baptist church she attended most of her adult life. Platt’s Funeral Home, where we said goodbye to her almost 40 years ago, is still right there. As much as I miss her, I am glad she never saw what happened to the neighborhood she called home for so long. She had a sturdy little brick home that stands proudly well taken care of,

all these years later, but the condition of many dwellings in close proximity is appalling. The homes that have residents, and many of them do, are an odd mix of lovingly protected testaments to old-time construction, and those sadly lacking anyone with the pride or means to take care of them. The homes that are empty, and many of them are, are rat traps and drug houses that look like something out of a story that Edgar Allen Poe would have written if he lived in modern day Baltimore. As nasty as many of these little shanties are, many of them have cars parked in the yard that are easily worth double what I paid for my ride. They also seem to have a rather odd collection of porch dwellers with iPhones, Androids and, yes, I saw a few iPads and satellite dishes. I guess even these folks are fed up with the high price of cable. Young men speed by regularly on bicycles, wearing three pairs of pants (you can count the waistbands) even though it was 90 degrees at 8:45 p.m. None of them have helmets (which means they are breaking the law), and none of them seem to obey any traffic regulations. I didn’t tell my friends that I was keeping

track (because I didn’t want Sylvia and I to duplicate our efforts — you can read her impressions in last week’s City Ink column), but I personally counted 67 code violations, 17 traffic offenses and at least 14 houses/ shanties that, if they weren’t selling drugs right that minute, should be used in a Hollywood drug movie, because they sure looked the part. Lori says the lack of code enforcement and a non-responsive sheriff’s department have let them down. The supporting evidence she showed us that night was pretty substantial. The “powers that be” better hope she and Phil don’t start a regular shuttle tour, or their denials are going to make them look pretty silly. There is enough of a problem in Harrisburg to justify at least one full-time code enforcement officer making cases there exclusively. If the Sheriff announces that he intends to make a minimum of one Harrisburg drug arrest a day, he could spend the next two years keeping the promise. Augusta Mayor Deke Copenhaver may have beaten Lori Davis at the polls, but the Harrisburg squalor and lawlessness she warned him about on the campaign trail is whooping his city’s ass every day.

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