Metro Spirit 07.07.2011 by Metro Spirit

table of contents Bringing Hollywood Home! whine line

- tom tomorrow

- thumbs up, thumbs down

insider

metro

- feature

Certified Brazilian Blowout ZERO Salon

are you not entertained

- calendar

- augusta tek

- the8

- art45

- sightings

- jenny is wright

- crisp

- nytimes crossword

- free will astrology

706.945.0175

536 Grand Slam Dr. · Suite A&B Evans

slab

- the download

- eardrum

- ball

- advice goddess

- austin rhodes

Receive $5 off your first visit to our new salon

28 Days ONE NIGHT

Want to advertise in the Metro Spirit? Call Joe White at 706-373-3636 or email joe@themetrospirit.com

Writer Eric Johnson eric@themetrospirit.com

Production Director Amy Christian amy@themetrospirit.com

Account Executive Account Executive Jed Capuy Brenda Carter brenda@themetrospirit.com jed@themetrospirit.com INTERNS Jordan White design

Geetu Vailoor editorial

Lead Designer Gabriel Vega gabe@themetrospirit.com

cover design

KRUHU kruhu.com Publisher’s Assistant Emily Stone emily@themetrospirit.com

Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

V. 22 | NO. 46

A FIRST CLASS STEAKHOUSE WITH 152 ROOMS. We age our own steaks for 28 days, grow our own herbs and make our own sauces. Washington Road at I-20 | 1069 Stevens Creek Road | Augusta

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 3

Mosquito Reduction Pest Control Sentricon Termite Colony Elimination Nuisance wildlife Management TAP Insulation Leaf Defier Home Improvement

AUGUSTA 706.737.4120

MARTINEZ 706.860.0116

AIKEN 803.641.0144

LEXINGTON 803.732.2669

World's Largest Inflatable Slide! Suit up, grab a towel and ride the Hippo.. the largest inflatable slide in the world. Available this summer for a limited time only!

4350 Wheeler Road | 706.863.3087 4 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

ADVENTURE-CROSSING.COM V. 22 | NO. 46

whineLINE If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people. They’re the ones who keep having gay babies. wonder how COOL Dr. Azziz thinks the hundreds of layoffs they are planning to announce in a couple months are? How wonderful that Soy Noodle House will expand! I can hardly wait. This is not a whine, this is a compliment. I was driving downtown this past Sunday when I hear Petty blaring out of the car window next to mine. I laugh and look over, to my disbelief I see the most beautiful red head with her windows down,jamming out. I did not know it was possible for Augusta to grow such beautiful people but wow. This girl may have been an illusion but those blue eyes made me want to be Tom Petty for all the right reasons. Metro Spirit, I know I have to sift through 5 lbs. of advertising and Waffle House photos If I want to find Austin’s latest toilet paper ramblings but what’s with the Filipino business listing too the news/political content choices this week, stories on scattering a dead horse and porn catalogs. Maybe you should pick up hookers once never made me work so hard. IF anyone lives or passes through the area of Deans Bridgs and Wheeless, and uses the Kangaroo free refill cup, do not stop at this location BP during seccond shift there is a strange medusa-like creature working there! It seems to want me to look it in the eyes and steal my soul or something.

V. 22 | NO. 46

Hey Johnny, I’ll take your bet. And I ain’t gonna regret jack my friend. As a matter of fact, I am looking forward to wiping that smug grim off your face. And it’s called a violin you hick. If you ask me, there are far too many white people on TV. White people in the emergency room. White people in court. White people evaluating the cost of furniture. White people discussing politics. White people trying to get me to buy these products I don’t need. White people sitting on sofas discussing their relationship. They need to be discussing poverty and injustice. There are far too many white people on TV. Hurry your asses up stillwater bartenders. About one hour ago I was on Reynolds Street to inquiry about a job from Sundays paper. After I showed the receptionist their ad from the paper, the receptionists first question to me was: “Do you have a criminal background report with you?” Well, I didn’t because nowhere in their ad does it mention to bring one with you. You know, that makes my above-average intelligence automatically ask this question: “So, you’re saying I AM a criminal and I must prove my innocence to you - is that correct?” I refuse to be treated or judged as a criminal until I prove otherwise. I don’t have to prove anything to anybody. Why? Because my resume, skill, talent, intelligence, ability, and life history do all my talking for me!

whineline@themetrospirit.com

The Bloggess This site, thebloggess.com, is definitely not safe for work, which makes the fact that it is written by Houston, Texas, parenting columnist Jennifer Lawson that much funnier. And wrong… just wrong. If you visit the site and don’t want to be confused about all the giant metal chicken references (and, ahem, rooster jokes), scroll down to the entry called “And That’s Why You Should Pick Your Battles.” Then it’ll all make perfect sense. Somebody please order us the “not safe for casual day” T-shirt, and give the person who vandalized that Wikipedia page a medal.

WE RECOMMEND

up THUMBS

To the jurors in the Casey Anthony trial, who spent about as much time away from their families as the defendent did pretending her daughter wasn’t missing.

down THUMBS

To karma, which hasn’t come soon enough.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 5

HERE ON THE FLIGHT PATH by Norm Foster

Announcing our hilarious summer show, HERE ON THE FLIGHT PATH, by Norm Foster. This play is guaranteed to make you laugh! It is a riotous look at a wouldbe ladies man’s relationships with three attractive women. For John Cummings, living in a big city building on the edge of an airport, the coming and going of jet planes is simply a metaphor for the way life flies by. When you don’t grab tomorrow by the tail, you’re left on the edge of the runway, on the outskirts of life. “Fresh and hilarious. The one-liners fly by at top-gun speed.” - London Free Press

SHOW DATES

July 15, 16, 22, 23, 28, 29, 30 Dinner, 7:00 p.m. | Show, 8:00 p.m.

MENU Cod with Roasted Garlic and Lemon • Chicken Marsala • Teriyaki London Broil Lemon Rice • Squash Casserole • Vegetable Medley • Roasted Red Potatoes House Salad with Cranberries • Dinner Rolls • Deluxe Dessert Table • Coffee • Iced Tea

Civilians: $40 | Seniors (65 & over), Retirees, DA Civilians, Active-Duty E7 & above: $38 | Active-Duty E6 & below: $30 | Show only: $25

For reservations, call 706.793.8552

Produced in cooperation with The Army Entertainment Program and Dramatists Play Service. Some adult humor. Rated PG-15.

6 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

V. 22 | NO. 46

INSI ER INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

Pickin’ and Grinnin’

Since the last November’s mayoral election, where Mayor Deke managed to use his incumbency to avoid too much messiness with challenger Lori Davis, earning 64 percent to Davis’ 18, things between the two have been relatively

quiet, at least publically. But signs are showing that things might be taking a turn. In an email sent by Davis to Deke, a selection of commissioners and most media outlets, Davis accused a city employee of “dropping the ball” and being a “problem employee.” The email, addressed to “All” was dated 8:21 p.m. Saturday, July 2. The subject line of the email read: Yet Another Incompetent City Employee. The issue involves the wife of a retired Richmond County firefighter, who found out her husband did not have insurance when she tried to fill a prescription. “She called Blue Cross Blue Shield,” Davis wrote of the woman, “and they also confirmed that the insurance had been discontinued. After directing her to

today and took the time to garner good information with regards to how we are addressing it. When folks who work for the city who are not on the clock and are taking personal time (see below) to deal with this step up to the plate, I feel your indictment of our city’s employees as incompetent is completely disrespectful to the people who work so hard for our city every day and whose efforts often go unrecognized. Please do our city employees a favor and get all of the facts before you accuse them all of being incompetent.” There’s no telling what else might be on the horizon for these two, but one thing is for sure: Time might heal all wounds, but it sure doesn’t stop us from picking at the scabs.

call her Commissioner, as well as Fred Russell, she finally got a call from an HR Staff Member, who is responsible for seeing that these insurance bills are paid. Obviously, [the staff member] dropped the ball. I have also been made aware that [the staff member] has been a problem employee. This is a horrible situation which could leave many retirees over the 4th of July weekend without any coverage. If this is true, she should be fired. Please let me know what measures will be taken to rectify this situation.” Mayor Deke responded in a 9:05 email, attaching an email from HR Manager Robby Burns to HR Director Rod Powell saying that ADP file apparently caused the cancellation. “Lori, I learned of the situation earlier

What the What? Jeff Gorelick’s appearance at last Thursday’s commission meeting was oddly absurd, even by Augusta standards. Rather than begging for more downtown-based events like the USA Cycling National Championships to help fill his Broad Street Ramada, Gorelick chose to ask to commission to form an ad hoc committee to look for other locations for such events. Huh? Seems the chronic complainer is playing the selfless employer card. After the usual self-congratulatory

puffery was out of the way (“I got 26 calls, not because I’m a leader downtown, but I guess because I’m the biggest and oldest downtown. I’ve been here a long time. Rubens has been here 114 years, come August 1st”), Gorelick informed everyone that his beef with the city was because he had to close Rubens because of the race. “That’s an issue because [my employees] need the money,” the told the commission. “I couldn’t bring them into work and still be a good businessman.”

Summer Sale

50%

OFF

As Mr. Gorelick mentioned, Ruben’s was a ghost town during the bike races Friday. Wait. No… sorry, check that. This photo was actually taken Tuesday at 2 p.m. Not Friday. They were open. We regret the error. telling his employees to stay home makes him any less of a businessman than telling them to come in.

While such compassion is commendable, the Spirit wonders why, given Rubens’ trickling traffic volume,

Mack Taylor ATTORNEY AT LAW

-Former DUI ProsecutorCRIMINAL DEFENSE Free Initial Consultation

DUIs/Traffic Administrative License Hearings

706.922.1992 M

V. 22 | NO. 46

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 7

metro Eric Johnson

Diplomatic Security

Westminster grad protects Americans abroad and foreign dignitaries domestically

“Two days ago I was working the visit of the Second Lady, Dr. Jill Biden. Yesterday we were working with the Special Olympics team that was here and today we have large demonstrations. Every day is something dif ferent.”

It’s about 4:30 in the afternoon Athens time, and the streets of the Greek capital are a battlefield. “There’s definitely a lot of police,” says Hillary Underwood Tanton, a special agent for the State Department’s Bureau of Diplomatic Security (DS). “You’ll be able to hear it in the background. They’re setting off some tear gas and there are a lot of sirens going off right now.” Tanton is in her hotel room, looking down on the chaos as she talks. The tear gas has yet to make it up to her window, so she continues the interview, but almost immediately she’s interrupted. The situation outside is fluid and there are a lot of Americans in the city, so the questions take precedence. “I was walking downtown today to check it out myself, because we wanted

8 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

to make sure everything was okay,” she says. “There are a lot of Americans in town right now because of the Special Olympics Summer Games, so we’re just kind of monitoring it.” Tanton, a 2000 Westminster graduate, has been with DS for five years, and she obviously enjoys her profession, even with the occasional riot. The conflict on the streets below is a response to the unpopular austerity measures moving through the Greek Parliament. It’s front-page news throughout the world, but just another variable in Tanton’s ever-changing world. “Two days ago I was working the visit of the Second Lady, Dr. Jill Biden,” she says. “Yesterday we were working with the Special Olympics team that was here — Team USA had an 800-person

reception. And today we have large demonstrations. Every day is something different.” While most people have a general idea what agents for the FBI and CIA do, Tanton says people usually need a little help understanding the role DS plays in the spectrum of international law enforcement. “When we’re domestic, we investigate passport and visa fraud and we serve on a variety of task forces with several agencies,” she says. “And we also work protection, so we’ll protect the Secretary of State and any foreign dignitaries that come.” That kind of protection varies according to the dignitary. Protection for the Dalai Lama, who attends large events, is different than the protection given to a foreign minister in the country to attend meetings.

Hillary Underwood Tanton Overseas, the role is very different, focusing mostly on managing embassy security programs along with protection. DS agents will manage the local ground forces well as the detachment of Marines that many of the embassies have. And since embassies are constantly being upgraded, they’ll oversee and manage the security aspects of construction. Her first few years, Tanton worked out of the Washington field office and was assigned to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s detail, a prestigious position, especially given the fact that she had no law enforcement experience before joining DS. “Zero,” she says. While at Duke earning a political science degree and a certificate in global continued on page 10 V. 22 | NO. 46

o f

t h e

WEIRD

Just after Clayton County, Ga., schoolteacher Harlan Porter was told his contract would not be renewed, he walked naked through the school hallways (no students were present) and spoke of a “newer level of enlightenment” now that his “third eye was open.” Can’t Possibly Be True It was not difficult to find critics when the Orlando-area government job-service engine Workforce Central Florida said it was spending more than $70,000 of federal stimulus money to help the laid-off by handing out 6,000 satiny capes for jobless “superheroes” to “fight” “Dr. Evil Unemployment.” (“Absolutely absurd” was the reaction of a laid-off customer-service representative.) Several critics interviewed by the Orlando Sentinel noted that such an awkward program further erodes the unemployed’s fragile self-respect. WCF, though, remained convinced. In the words of a spokeswoman, “Everyone is a superhero in the fight against unemployment.” Too-good-to-be-true stories have circulated for years about men who accidentally fell, posterior first, onto compressed-air nozzles and self-inflated to resemble “dough boys,” usually with fatal results. However, in May in Opotiki, New Zealand, trucker Steven McCormack found himself in similar circumstances, and had it not been for quick-thinking colleagues who pulled him away, he would have been killed — as the air, puncturing a buttock, had already begun separating tissue from muscle. McCormack was hospitalized in severe pain, but the air gradually seeped from his body (according to a doctor, in the way air “usually” seeps from a body). Parents were puzzled in June after Dry Creek School District in Roseville, Calif., passed out questionnaires asking for biographical details of prospective students, including whether or not the V. 22 | NO. 46

child has been delivered by C-section. Parents told Sacramento station KOVRTV that school officials were refusing to explain why they wanted to know that. Sounds Like a Joke Nightclub singer Simon Ledger was arrested following a performance at the Driftwood Beach Bar on Britain’s Isle of Wight in April after a patron complained to police. Ledger was covering the 1974 hit “Kung Fu Fighting,” and two customers of Chinese descent reported that they felt victims of illegal “racially aggravated harassment.” The Redneck Chronicles Zachary Woody, 21, of Calhoun, Ga., was charged with aggravated assault in May after stabbing a friend. Allegedly, Woody had escalated what was initially just a fistfight over whether Fords are better than Chevrolets. Joseph Hayes, 48, was arrested in South Memphis, Tenn., in June after allegedly threatening (with a gun in his waistband) the hostess of a birthday party to which his kids had been invited but which ran out of cake and ice cream. “Y’all didn’t save my kids no damn ice cream and cake,” he was heard to say, and “I ain’t scared to go to jail.” People With Issues Stanley Thornton Jr., 30, and his “nurse”-roommate, Sandra Dias, featured on a May edition of the TV show “Taboo” (National Geographic Channel), are both drawing federal Supplemental Security Income as disabled persons, even though Thornton builds his own “adult baby” furniture (cribs and high chairs large enough to accommodate his 350-pound body) and operates a website where people living as adult babies can communicate. U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn asked the Social Security Administration to investigate whether Thornton is abusing the system (and Dias, too, since if she can “nurse” Thornton, she can “nurse” for a living). Thornton subsequently told The Washington Times that if his SSI checks were discontinued, he would kill himself. Brave Nude World After a clothing malfunction, veteran marathoner Brett Henderson, 35, decided during the Flying Pig race in Cincinnati that, since marathoners sometimes run naked in California, he could do it there. Henderson outran police and stopped only when he was Tasered.

706.738.9942 | C: 706.829.5577 | pbees@comcast.net

BEES CONSTRUCTION

We Specialize

· Kitchen renovations · Bathroom remodeling · Room additions · Door and window replacement · Decks, sunrooms, and screen rooms

· Serving the Augusta area for over 20 years. · State licensed residential general contractor. · Fully insured with workers compensation and general liability insurance. · EPA lead safe certified firm. Bees Construction, Inc., a full service residential remodeling and renovation corporation.

– c a r e e r

e d u c a t i o n –

A BETTER JOB.

A better future. Change your future and your life with a rewarding career. Miller-Motte offers career training programs in: Cosmetology, Health Information Technology, Massage Therapy, Medical Assisting, Medical Laboratory Technician, Many More! CAREER TRAINING PROGRAMS MAY VARY BY CAMPUS. FINANCIAL AID AVAILABLE TO THOSE WHO QUALIFY. AUTHORIZED BY THE NONPUBLIC POSTSECONDARY EDUCATIONAL ACT OF 1990.

Classes are forming. Call toll-free today!

(866) 425-0032 www.Miller-Motte.edu

Changing Futures. Changing Lives.®

621 nw frontage road, augusta, ga 30907 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 9

n e w s

continued from page 8 economics, Tanton applied for an internship with the State Department. “I didn’t know much about this office and I wanted to try something that I didn’t really know,” she says. “They stuck me at the DS training center, and it was amazing.” There, she found many people just like her. “My basic special agent course, I think, is a really good example of the makeup of DS,” she says. “We had teachers, police dispatchers, fresh college graduates, lawyers, computer science majors. They came from all sorts of schools and from all over the United States. Some had never left the United States before.” After that, she started racking up a lot of time out of the country. “They offered me a position in an embassy and I jumped at it,” she says. “Of course, it helped that it was in the Bahamas.” The Bahamas. Seoul. Germany for the G8 Summit. Australia for the APEC Summit. The variety is almost overwhelming, she says. But in a good way. “I love it,” she says. “There are so many days that you come in and you just can’t imagine that your day went the direction that it did.”

While in Athens, Tanton has worked hard to strengthen the Overseas Security Advisory Council (OSAC), a partnership between the State Department and private businesses overseas. If someone wants to open a business, they might first meet with the security office to get a rundown on the security situation, which is usually far more complex than it appears on the TV news. “If you were to see what’s happening in Greece right now, you might think that this is all over, when actually it’s really in an isolated part of town,” she says as the sirens ring out in the distance. Under Tanton’s guidance, OSAC has formed academic and maritime sub councils to help the cruise industry and the study abroad programs. Her efforts with OSAC resulted in a Women in Law Enforcement award last month in Long Beach, Calif., and while she admits it was an honor to be one of the 25 women to receive the award, she sounds more interested in the networking opportunities the ceremony itself. “It sort of makes the world of federal law enforcement smaller,” she says. “Now, if they have a case that involves something in Greece, they’ll contact me, and if I need something, I can contact them, wherever they are.”

Belair Dunes Leveled Woman’s view returned after Spirit exposes eyesore

In our May 19 issue, retired school bus driver Betsy Ucman told the Metro Spirit about her “dunes,” the two big, unsightly piles of dirt First Citizens bank dumped next to her N. Belair Road home in preparation for a new bank more than two years ago. Thanks to the economic downturn, the bank never materialized. But the dunes remained. While Ucman alleged she complained to both First Citizens and Columbia County, neither organization had a record of her call. Development Services Director Richard Harmon admitted to the Metro Spirit that the dirt piles were an eyesore, but said he didn’t think they violated any ordinance. After consulting with the corporate real estate director, a representative of First Citizens told us a crew would be distributing the dirt “sometime soon.” Sometime soon turned out to be the morning of June 29, when Ucman awoke to sounds of heavy equipment leveling off her dunes and returning the view from her front porch. “I’m so thankful,” she said over the roar of the equipment. “It was a blasted eyesore.”

How popular is our Friday night Prime Rib and Seafood Buffet? Our Menu Highlights include:

Hand Carved Prime Rib Sweet and delectable Snow Crab Legs Delicious Fried Jumbo Shrimp Oyster on the Half Shell Seafood Pasta Station (Design your own!) Ahi Tuna with Wasabi and Pickled Ginger Full Dessert Bar Plus live music! This Friday Night Jazz Collective Saturday night Michael Peele and Old Skool

We do it all again every Saturday night. 2651 Perimeter Parkway | Augusta | 706.855.8100

10 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

V. 22 | NO. 46

Belair Dunes Leveled Woman’s view returned after Spirit exposes eyesore

How popular is our Friday night Prime Rib and Seafood Buffet? Our Menu Highlights include:

We do it all again every Saturday night. 2651 Perimeter Parkway | Augusta | 706.855.8100

10 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

V. 22 | NO. 46

ESTIMATES

STAINLESS STEEL SINK W/ 45 SQ FT. GRANITE COUNTERTOP REMOVAL OF EXISTING COUNTERTOPS *some restrictions may apply

DESIGNERTILEANDTUBS.COM

FREE

Increase the enjoyment of your kitchen and the value of your property with custom cut granite counter tops. Formed over millions of years from compressed molten rock under the Earth's surface, granite is extremely hard and durable. With its heat-resistant and scratch resistant qualities granite is far superior to marble, synthetic and laminate and also, has a luminous, dimensional quality when polished. Granite is made up of interlocking mineral crystals, the most common being feldspar and quartz. But an array of other minerals can be included, and these make each piece of granite unique. Feldspar is the white mineral you see in granite; the light gray veins are quartz; and the black is typically mica.

803.593.2990 | AIKEN AUGUSTA HIGHWAY | 1982 JEFFERSON DAVIS HIGHWAY

We are the Granite Professionals

Designer Tile INFO@DESIGNERTILEANDTUBS.COM

We use CNC Technology

2917 Riverwest Dr. Suite 105| Augusta, GA

GREUBELâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S Mixed Martial Arts

RIVERWATCH & I-20

GET IN SHAPE WITH A TWIST ONE MONTH FREE NO STRINGS WHATSOEVER Greubals, the home and place where Champions are born and bred. Thanks for the friendly, fun atmosphere. Greubals gave me the extra edge I needed to bring my game to the next LEVEL. Made my childhood dream of playing in the NHL a Reality. -TREVOR GILLIES 14 NY Islanders

706.737.0911|GREUBELSMMA.COM V. 22 | NO. 46

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 11

Back in Time

Local business owner, who has seen Columbia County changes, has survived big box development and economic downturn By Angel Cleary

Stepping into Brown Feed and Seed is like taking a time machine to Evans, circa 1954. Rusty farm equipment sits outside the storefront nestled in tall grasses. Deer heads, animal skins and stuffed fowl greet visitors at the entrance. Men, wet from the heat of the day, stand around the register counter making jokes and waiting for the next truck to load up with animal feed. If you want to chew the fat for a while, this is the place to do it. Third-generation farmer and owner Donnie Brown has seen Columbia County transform from his front porch. When he speaks his eyes twinkle, like he can’t wait to play a practical joke on you. The interior of his place has taken on the idiosyncratic personality of its owner. “I don’t throw anything away,” says Brown, deadpan for effect. Looking around, it’s obvious. It would be a candidate for an episode of TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive” except that the farm antiques he collects for decorations are all probably worth a lot of money. Hundreds of sepia-toned photos of family members cover the wood-paneled walls. A raccoon tail curtain covers the window. Old bird houses sit on the shelves, bags of various feeds and fertilizers, even snake repellant, are stacked haphazardly on the concrete floors. The poles that support the roof are totems of yesteryear. Leather harnesses, hand saws and ropes hang from them, along with old tattered posters of various farm products. It’s hard to say when any of it was last touched. It’s all chaotically thrown together and covered in a thin layer of dust and cobwebs, giving it a rustic charm. Behind the main building where he stores feed and seed, he keeps baby chicks, ducks and rabbits. Behind that is a horse barn, and a pond that is home to a six-foot alligator. It’s a pastoral paradise. But right down the street are the nation’s biggest construction and home supply stores, Home Depot and Lowe’s. “Businesses like this are going out,” he says. “People aren’t planting gardens like they used to.”

12 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Donnie Brown Or when they do, sometimes they miss his business and drive down the street. Drive a few miles in the other direction and another Lowe’s and Home Depot compete with him for customers. When he opened his business, in 1977, these stores didn’t even exist. “My daddy died suddenly in 1976. I was a welder at that time,” he says. “And it just hit me. I want to go into the feed business.” So he purchased property in Columbia County and began selling horse feed and hay. Back then the area was rural. There were no chain stores. But in the last 15 years, with the housing development boom in Columbia County, he has cut back on equine products, though he still sells them there, and now mostly sells landscaping seed and hay. “In a business like this it’s different than a box store. You can come in here and talk to us about your [agricultural] problems and we can actually help you out,” he says with a Southern drawl. He says his customers remain loyal

because he provides something the giant supply stores can’t — personalized advice, which he dispenses freely. He speaks from experience because he is a third-generation farmer with more connections to the area’s agricultural history. “My grandfather owned farmland on what is across from Augusta National. He lived on Peachtree Street in Atlanta, right next to Bobby Jones, and then he bought land here,” he says. “So they were neighbors here and in Atlanta.” His family sold and developed the land for what is now the National Hills shopping center, he says. A customer calls and asks about growing centipede grass. Another walks in and asks about the best type of fertilizer. Brown has hundreds of loyal customers, most of whom he knows by name and many who know the family history. But with all the development, 55-year-old Brown says he doesn’t know what the future holds for his business. Just a few years ago, he says, the property next door was rezoned and is

scheduled to become the second phase of the Mullins Crossing center. Pretty soon, Brown Feed and Seed, a store once supported by a mostly agricultural county, will be abutted by retail stores. His more than six acres of prime real estate is worth a lot. He’s had many offers but he won’t sell. To keep up with increasing property taxes caused by local development, while at the same time facing decreasing revenue from farm sales, Brown began subletting buildings on his property. A few years ago he moved out of the Washington Road storefront so that Mogletree Motorcar Company could rent. Then he rented a second building on the property to an outdoor supply company. “If I didn’t have that,” he says, “I’d be up the creek.” Something about him says he’d probably buy property on that creek and turn it into a money-making venture.

This Stuf f Could Happen Two local men try their hand at urban development by building models

photography by Phillip Hibbard V. 22 | NO. 46

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 13

Phillip Hibbard shooting miniature city. Most people relax after work by watching a little TV, working in the yard or reading the latest thriller. Mike Teffeteller builds miniature cities. “It started as a hobby,” he says. “I had a big extra room above my garage and I would build a city and skyscrapers and roads and whatever just for the fun of it. Some people build trains, I build cities.” Now, he works on his models in a suite of offices on the 15th floor of the Lamar Building, and his most frequent subject is Augusta, specifically areas where he thinks the city can do better. And though he builds his models strictly to scale, his vision is definitely oversized. “I tend to build things bigger than Augusta would build them, just so in 20 years they don’t have to build another one because it’s not big enough,” he says. That’s a luxury enjoyed by those who don’t have to wrangle financing, which might explain why, for the last few years, Teffeteller and his models have been camping out at the fringe of Augusta redevelopment instead of dead center. He’s made models for both the TEE Center and the Judicial Center during their location debates, and he has models of several other large-scale projects. His first Judicial Center project, however, probably did the most to draw attention to himself. “One Saturday, I thought that my next model was going to be where I thought that Judicial Center should be,” he says. “I thought it should be downtown just to bring more people downtown.” The first place he settled on was the JC Penny building on Broad Street. It was old, historic, not too far gone, and there was a parking deck in the back. “So I came up with this model and I sent a letter to the editor of the Metro Spirit,” he says.

14 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

The paper with that letter found its way into the hands of Bonnie Ruben, owner of the Ramada, who was intrigued by the possible use for the old property and displayed the model in the hotel. “This was my first connection with someone prominent from downtown,” Teffeteller says. That model kick started the idea of doing a kind of Hard Rock Cafe-type of restaurant featuring James Brown memorabilia, which would have been directly across Broad Street from the James Brown statue. The concept, and the resulting model, was strong enough to earn Teffeteller an audience with the Godfather of Soul himself. “I had 30 minutes with him,” he says, obviously still a little dazzled by the memory. “He said he had just come from somewhere where he was with the Queen, Keith Richards and Rod Stewart at a party. It may not have been true, but it sounded good.” Teffeteller got some pictures of Brown by the model, but the project failed to move forward. Though disappointing, the exercise wasn’t a total loss: enter — or reenter — Kelley New, Gene Holley’s designer (see “Playground in the Clouds” in the April 28 issue of the Metro Spirit) who, like his former boss, the owner of the Lamar Building, wasn’t afraid to think big. New had an idea for putting condos below the Fifth Street Bridge. “He gave me this look like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding,’” New says. The Fifth Street Bridge Condo idea became Teffeteller’s first commissioned job, and it happens to link to several other projects the two, now business partners, have since envisioned, including a use for the depot property, which the commission has expressed a desire to sell.

Their idea for the depot project comes from Jacksonville Landing. It features a combination hotel and conference area and includes shopping, dining and entertainment. “With all the people coming into town for the conventions and the Masters, it would give people some place to go and something to do,” Teffeteller says. “They do the SPLOST every few years, and I think this would be a lot better idea than a ballpark. They would get more traction out of this. They would get some tax revenue out of this.” These models — and there are several — are by no means easy to make, and such detail does not come cheap. “I don’t play golf,” he says, laughing that his wife has only a rough idea of what it all costs. It’s a laugh any married person knows means she has no idea at all how much it all costs. A single model, he says, can cost upwards of $9,000. Did he mention he didn’t play golf? When he first started, he would make as much as he could from scratch — from cardboard and balsa wood and spray paint, but now he buys as much as he can because when you’re building models of large buildings, it’s quicker if you don’t have to build each window. Buying, however, doesn’t mean buying off the rack at the local hobby shop. He started doing that, but he quickly learned the value of earmarking the wholesale catalogs and repurposing key items that are commonly found, but easily and effectively adapted. His dramatic, dazzling Las Vegas citywithin-a-city model, for example, utilizes fence post tops, shaving cream lids and champagne glasses to create a modern urban playground, complete with five hotels, a double racetrack (an oval track that goes under a road track), a stage for outdoor shows and an indoor ski slope similar to the famous one in Dubai. That such runaway dreams are held together with basic Elmer’s glue is more than a little ironic. “Mostly, it’s Elmer’s glue,” he says, “but sometimes, if we’ve really got to hold something together or glue something in a hurry, we’ll use Super Glue or hot glue.” He brings out an industrial-sized bottle of glue and opens up a bunch of plastic boxes containing windows and doors and trees of all different styles and sizes. Having re-created Woodrow Wilson House and the Hampton Terrace Hotel, which is currently showcased in the museum at the North Augusta Municipal Center, Teffeteller and New are obviously craftsmen able to capture the look and feel of a place (the model for remodeled Sutherland Mill is particularly lifelike). Teffeteller, who works for a box distributor, says he puts in about six or

seven hours each Saturday, but he also obviously devotes a considerable amount of time to the idea of urban planning, something usually left to people with degrees in the field. “I had aspirations to be an architect, but never had the math skills to get all the way through that,” he says. “But I was able to draw pictures and build models.” He went to school at USC-Aiken, but couldn’t get the idea of urban planning out of his head. “A lot of those things, I can just see what I want to do and I don’t even have to draw a picture of what it’s going look like,” he says. “I have to draw a floor plan to the scale that I want to build.” Augusta has no shortage of people with vision and good ideas. Some, like Jay Weigle and Yahya Henry, who recently took a PowerPoint before the commission touting a loft project meant to attract and keep the area’s best and brightest, are good at stating the problems, while dreamers like Teffeteller and New and former Commissioner Andy Cheek, are better suited at laying unsolicited projects before the community. Others, like the professionals who put together the Westobou Vision Master Plan, are full of facts and studies and showy presentations. It’s the professionals, however, who end up getting the handshakes. Oddly enough, Cheek’s Ellis Street Canal project actually ran up against one of Teffeteller’s Judicial Center projects, which was either serendipity or proof that these projects, while earnest and creative, are not as far “out of the box” as they some might believe. In many ways, Teffeteller’s models are like National Geographic’s illustrations of space travel back in the 1960s — informed but speculative. Of all the plans, Augusta Tomorrow’s master plan, produced for Augusta and North Augusta by ICON Architecture’s

V. 22 | NO. 46

John Shields, who came back to town to create the Augusta Sustainable Development Agenda, is the most comprehensive. Projects include the development of the canal, an urban living area on Broad Street called Marbury Village and even more riverfront development linking Augusta and North Augusta. The thickness of the plan study does not daunt Teffeteller or New, however, who see their three-dimensional models as having more to offer than the twodimensional artist renderings. “Augusta pays all these people $200,000 and $300,000 to come in here from Timbuktu to tell us what we need and what we should have and then

V. 22 | NO. 46

they go away and nothing happens,” Teffeteller says. “Whereas, if they could see the real thing in miniature and give us the commission, maybe things would be different. You can do rendering after rendering, but they end up being just a picture and not everyone can grasp that.” If a picture is worth a thousand words, he feels a model is worth its hours of effort in clarity and vision. “If people could just see that we have some ideas for some viable projects…” he laments. “We have shovel-ready projects ready to do. If we could get somebody who has an interest in something like this to see it in a presentation, this stuff could happen.”

In spite of his enthusiasm, he knows that without the degrees or the studies to back him up, the models will always be viewed skeptically by the establishment. But when you think big, you’re not willing to hold yourself to the same limitations. “We’re not saying we’re the same as John Shields,” he says. “What we’re saying is, we live here. We walk around and see stuff that can be done. It may be too farfetched for Augusta, but I don’t think it’s any more farfetched than some of the things they came up with in the master plan. In fact, we’ve got four projects for the Westobou area, but we can’t get anybody to look at it.” Though they’ve displayed models

at the Welcome Center on I-20 and at the White’s Building during Westobou, Teffeteller says it’s the commission they’re really after. “I don’t know what would be so difficult for them to come down here and take a peek to see what kind of ideas we’ve got,” he says. “It’s not going to hurt anybody other than just give them some more ideas.” In the meantime, he’s taking a break from it all by building a model of the Mansion on Peachtree, a building in Atlanta. It’s flamboyant, big and already built.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 15

Consider Yourself Warned

Note to self: Don’t piss off the folks at Signarama or they’ll scroll their beef with you all over their Riverwatch sign. After a payment dispute with a customer over $900 worth of vehicle wrapping, owner Jeff Poitevint typed up his grievance and scrolled it continuously over the Forth of July weekend. “Keith you are a spineless crook,” the sign said.

According to Poitevint, this isn’t the first time he’s used the sign to extract his pound of flesh. He’s gone after a few bad check writers and even his bank when they mistakenly cut off his line of credit. “I contribute to charity and I help people all the time,” he said. “I bend over backward, but when someone blatantly tries to steal from me, it just burns my ass up.” He said the customer, Keith, refused

to pay him what he owed, “So I blistered him in an email and put him on my sign.” In the past, being on the sign has proven effective. “It’s no different than a judge making you walk around wearing a sign saying ‘I’m a thief.’” Poitevint said he’s careful to stay within the boundaries of the law. “You’ve got to walk a fine line,”

he admitted, “but I didn’t mention anyone’s last name or company, so I don’t see how I can get in trouble. He knows who he is.” Which should go out as a warning to all those out there who might be thinking of pulling some creative accounting with Signarama. “If I get crossed, I use the power of the media, and mine’s the sign,” he said. “And it’s got quite a few viewers.”

FRENCHMARKETWEST.COM

Experience a Little New Orleans PO’ BOYS PASTA SEAFOOD QUICHE JAMBALAYA STEAK FISH FOWL

LUNCH - DINNER

6 DAYS

375 Fury’s Ferry Rd. next to Earth Fare · 706.855.5111

4020 Washington Road, Martinez

706.738.1651

Portmansmusic.com 201 1

CELEBRATING OUR 75TH YEAR OF BUSINESS!! 16 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

French Market Grill West V. 22 | NO. 46

Island Rhythms Anyone in the mood for a Polynesian getaway can bypass the airline ticket counter and drive straight to Gordon’s Conference and Catering Center, otherwise known as Building 18402 19th Street, Fort Gordon. There they’ll see the Spirit of Aloha concert featuring performers from Augusta’s Polynesian community followed by a concert by the Makaha Sons, a legendary Hawaiian music group celebrating its 35th anniversary. The group has over 20 albums to its credit and several Na Hoku Hanohano awards (the Hawaiian equivalent of our mainland Grammys). The $40 ticket ($45 at the door) gets you pupus (appetizers) and a full helping of island entertainment, complete with performances by Polynesian Arts, Sherrie Gentry and Magical Fires of Polynesia, among others. Doors open at 6 p.m. Contact Sunday Boone at 706-414-2790 or email polynesianarts@gmail.com.

Are you not entertained?

V. 22 | NO. 46

A METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 17

You Deserve a Professional

All Georgia Licensed Massage Therapists Buy One, Get One FREE

Mobile Audio Concepts is an all-inclusive service center for

*new clients only | expires 7.7.11

your mobile audio/visual needs. We specialize in the newest radios and speakers on the market, iPod hookup, navigation system, Bluetooth technology, monitors, remote start, alarms and much more.

Visit us on Facebook for a chance to win a

Viper Remote Start

Georgia Therapeutic Massage, LLC 106 Davis Road â&#x20AC;˘ Suite D â&#x20AC;˘ Martinez www.gatherapeuticmassage.com

3101 Washington Road | Augusta, GA | 706.863.3664

18 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

706.651.0202

V. 22 | NO. 46

calendar Saturday beginning at noon, followed by a NOOKcolor tutorial at 12:30 p.m. Free. Call 706-737-0012 or visit bn.com.

Arts

Artist Workshop: Nature Hike and Sketching with Philip Juras is Saturday, July 9, from 10 a.m.-1 p.m. Cost includes materials and a light picnic lunch. Members, $25; non-members, $40. Pre-registration required. Call 706828-3867 or visit themorris.org.

Theater

Le Chat Noir Company Auditions are Thursday, July 7, from 5-7 p.m. by appointment only. Prepare two contrasting monologues, one comedic and one dramatic. Call 706-722-3322 or visit lcnaugusta.com.

Awesome Art by Gus and Us, Metal Sculptures by Gustavo Gonzalez Franco and 2 & 3-D Artworks by the Artists’ Guild of Columbia County, will be held Saturday, July 9, from 5-8 p.m. in the Columbia County Library cafe. Call 706-695-6870 or visit artistguildcc.org. Artrageous! Family Sunday: That Puppet Guy, features Lee Bryan presenting Planet Earth, Inc., on Sunday, July 10, at 2 p.m. Afterwards, participants can design colorful pots for their new plants. Free. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Arts groups are invited to apply to the Greater Augusta Arts Council for grants, awarded on a competitive basis with primary consideration given to the quality of artistic activities, management of fiscal responsibilities, demonstrated financial need, and the degree of benefit to the Augusta community. Deadline for application is Friday, July 22. E-mail Grace Inman at grace@augustaarts.com or visit augustaarts.com. Day of Art, hosted by the North Augusta Artists Guild, is each Tuesday from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at the Arts and Heritage Center and includes a group of artists painting in the center who will answer questions or allow visitors to join in. Call 803-441-4380 or visit artsandheritagecenter.com.

Exhibitions

Jane Popiel Opening Reception is at Sacred Heart Cultural Center on Thursday, July 7, from 5-7 p.m. for the exhibition, which will be displayed through the month of August. Call 706826-4700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org. Civil War Redux: Pinhole Photographs by Willie Anne Wright is Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the V. 22 | NO. 46

Dance

Friday Dance is every Friday night from 8:30-11 p.m. at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans. $10. Call 706854-8888 or visit thebdc.us.

Morris Museum of Art. Artist Willie Anne Wright discusses her photographic images of Civil War reenactors. Reception with the artist follows. Free. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Artwork by local artists Lisa Baggs and David Godbee will be displayed at the Walton Rehabilitation Hospital Art Hallway through the month of July. Call 706-823-8584 or visit wrh.org. Will Barnet: Works on Paper, 14 color lithographs, serigraphs and etchings by the American master, is on display at the Morris Museum of Art through July 8. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Philip Juras: The Southern Frontier, landscapes inspired by Bartram’s travels, shows at the Morris Museum of Art. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. The Eclectic Works of Joe Rob is an exhibition that shows on the third floor of the Headquarters Branch Library until July 8. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Music

Christian Singles Dance, for ages 18 and over, is every Saturday night at The Ballroom Dance Center in Evans from 7-11 p.m. $8-$10. Call 706-8548888 or visit thebdc.us.

Flix

An evening of traditional Irish music, featuring Pat O’Connor and Eoghan O’Sullivan, is Friday, July 8, at 8 p.m. at the Knights of Columbus Hall on Monte Sano Avenue. $15. Call 706267-5416.

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I” shows Thursday, July 7, from 2:30-5 and 6-8:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. All attendees’ names will be entered to win two tickets for the new Harry Potter movie. Call 706-821-6000 or visit ecgrl.org.

Candlelight Jazz Series is on Sunday, July 10, at 8 p.m. at the Jessye Norman Amphitheatre and features Jerusalem Sounds. Bring your own seating and picnic. $6. Call 706-4956238 or visit gardencityjazz.com.

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I” shows Thursday, July 7, at 2:30 p.m. the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org.

Second Saturday Concert, with the Stephen Lee Band, is Saturday, July 11, from 7-9:30 p.m. at the Columbia County Amphitheatre. $5. Visit columbiacountyga.gov. The Parris Island Marine Corps Band performs Monday, July 11, at 7 p.m. at Hopelands Gardens in Aiken as part of the Hopelands Summer Concert Series. Call 803-642-7630 or visit aiken. net/hopelandsgarden.html.

Literary

NOOK Tutorials at Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall are each

“El Angel Exterminador,” a Spanish language film, shows Thursday, July 7, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “Graniteville: Past, Present, Future” will be Saturday, July 9, at 7 p.m. at the Imperial Theatre. The film, compiled from more than 40 interviews and 500 hours of animations and re-creations, concludes with visions for the future of the town after the closing of Avondale Mills. Narration by Okefenokee Joe; musical score by Archie Jordan. $14. Call 706-722-8341 or visit imperialtheatre.com.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 19

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I” shows Monday, July 11, at 5 p.m. at the Friedman Branch Library. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org. “Tangled” shows Tuesday, July 12, at 2:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-793-2020 or visit ecgrl.org. “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” shows Tuesday, July 12, at 2:30 p.m. the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. “Morning Glory”shows Tuesday, July 12, at 6:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “Gulliver’s Travels” shows Thursday, July 14, at 2:30 p.m. at the Maxwell Branch Library. Call 706-7932020 or visit ecgrl.org. “The Hidden Fortress” (Japanese) shows Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Special Events

Now Booking FOR YOUR NEXT SPECIAL EVENT Wedding Receptions • Bridal Brunches Rehearsal Dinners • Business Meetings Holiday Parties • Birthday Parties Anniversaries • And More 724 Broad Street, Augusta, GA 30901 Call Bryan Mitchell at 706-722-2555 for more information or bryan-mitchell2@comcast.net

www.CityClub30901.com

AUGUSTA’S FAVORITE FOR DINING AND LIVE ENTERTAINMENT

STEAKS • CHOPS BURGERS • SALADS *** NEW EXPANDED MENU *** 816 Cotton Lane • Riverwalk 706-724-4511

www.EatDrinkBeHappy.com

20 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Tomato Festivalwillbe Saturday, July 9, at the Aiken County Farmers Market. Call 803-642-7761. Nominations sought for 2011 Preservation Awards. In order to be considered for an award, a property must be on or eligible for nomination to the National Register of Historic Places, either individually or as part of a historic district, and the project must be completed. Nominations will be accepted until Aug. 15. Call Robyn Anderson at 706-724-0436, e-mail robyn@ historicaugusta.org or mail to P.O. Box 37, Augusta, GA 30903. Saturday Market at the River, located at 8th Street Plaza, downtown Augusta, is each Saturday through Oct. 29, from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. Visit theaugustamarket.com.

Health

Cribs for Kids, a program to teach caregivers how to provide a safe sleep environment for babies, is Thursday, July 7, from 5:45-8 p.m. Those who can demonstrate a financial need will receive a portable crib, fitted sheet, sleep sac and pacifier for $10. Preregistration required. Call 706-721-7606 or visit mcghealth.org.

Weekender Childbirth Preparation Class, a complete childbirth preparation class designed for those with time constraints or fluctuating schedules, is Friday, July 8, from 6:30-9:30 p.m. and Saturday, July 9, from 9 a.m.-5:30 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 706-7742825 or visit universityhealth.org. Childbirth Tours, a free tour that guides expectant parents through MCGHealth’s Labor and Delivery departments, are Saturday, July 9, from 10:30-11:30 a.m. and Tuesday, July 12, from 7:30-8:30 p.m. Call 706-721-9351 or visit mcghealth.org. Safe Kids East Central Child Safety Seat Inspection is Wednesday, July 13, at the Columbia County Sheriff’s Office Substation. Call for an appointment at 706-541-3970 or visit mcghealth.org. SouthernCare Annual Pain Management Conference is Thursday, July 14, from 9 a.m.-5 p.m. During the conference participants will learn about the types of pain, how to assess, and how to manage pain. Pre-registration required. Call 803-643-9888. Car Seat Class will be held Thursday, July 14, from 5:45-8 p.m. in MCGHealth Building 1010C. $10. Preregistration required. Call 706-721-7606 or visit mcghealth.org. Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease Aquatics Class, sponsored by the CSRA Parkinson Support Group and The Family Y, is a group class designed specifically for ambulatory participants affected by Multiple Sclerosis and Parkinson Disease. Held each Friday at noon at the Wilson Family Y indoor pool. Call Claudia Collins at 706-922-9664 or visit thefamilyy.org. Joint Efforts, an informational class about knee and hip pain causes and treatments sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Orthopaedic Clinic. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com.

Support

Huntington Disease Support Group is Thursday, July 7, at 6:30 p.m. at MCGHealth’s Marks Building. Call 706721-4895 or visit mcghealth.org. Pink Magnolias Breast Cancer Support Group meets Monday, July 11, at 6:30 p.m. at University Hospital’s Breast Health Center. Open to all ages. Free. Call 706-774-4141 or visit universityhealth.org. V. 22 | NO. 46

La Leche League will meet Tuesday, July 12, at 10 a.m. at United Presbyterian Church, Kimberly Drive. Visit lllofga.org. Diabetes Support Group will meet at O’Dell Weeks Center on Whiskey Road on Tuesday, July 12, from 3-4 p.m. Pre-registration required. Call 803-293-0021 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Let’s Talk Cancer Support Group meets Tuesday, July 12, from 5:30-7 p.m. in MCGHealth’s Cancer Center’s firstfloor community room. Call 706-7210550 or visit mcghealth.org. OB/GYN Cancer Support Group meets Tuesday, July 12, at 7 p.m. For more information and meeting location, call 706-821-2944 or visit universityhealth.org. Alzheimer’s Support GroupAugusta meets Tuesday, July 12, at 7 p.m. at the Alzheimer Association Chapter Building. Call 706-731-9060 or visit universityhealth.org. Bariatric Support Group meets Wednesday, July 13, from 6-7 p.m. at Aiken Regional Medical Center’s Bariatric Services on the second floor, room 209. Pre-registration required. Call 803-641-5751 or visit aikenregional.com. ALS Support Lunch and Learn is Thursday, July 14, from 11 a.m.-1:30 p.m. in MCGHealth Medical Office Building’s fourth floor, room 4306. Lunch is provided. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2681 or visit mcghealth.org.

Breast Cancer Support Group meets Thursday, July 14, from 5:30-7:30 p.m. in MCGHealth’s Cancer Center’s first floor community room. Call 706721-4109 or visit mcghealth.org. Registration is going on now for Men’s Support Group: Social Skills Build Self-Esteem, a group for those who suffer from social anxiety or other problems that make it tough to fit in. Closed to public after group starts on Monday, July 18. It meets every other Monday from 6-7:30 p.m. until the end of the year. Held at Family Counseling Center of CSRA through a grant provided by The Community Foundation. Call Sue at 706-868-5011. Moms Connection meets every Tuesday from 1-2 p.m. at 1225 Walton Way (the old Fairway Ford dealership), room 1010C. Preregistration required. Call 706-7219351 or visit mcghealth.org. Joint Efforts, a informational class about knee and hip pain causes and treatments sponsored by Trinity Hospital of Augusta, meets every Thursday at 11 a.m. at Augusta Orthopaedic Clinic. Call 706-481-7604 or visit trinityofaugusta.com. Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meets each Wednesday at 1:30 p.m. in Suite 110 of Medical Office Building 2, 3624 J. Dewey Gray Circle, on the Doctors Hospital campus. Call 706-651-2229 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Education

Absolute Beginners’ Computer

Class is Wednesday, July 7, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-6000 or visit ecgrl.org. Beginning Computer 1 Computer Class is Tuesday, July 12, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org.

Augusta Rugby Football Club meets every Wednesday from 6:30-8:30 p.m. at the Larry Bray Memorial Pitch, 100 Wood Street. New players are welcome. Email arj6402@yahoo.com.

Google Earth Computer Class is Wednesday, July 13, at 10 a.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-6000 or visit ecgrl.org.

Group Run begins each Tuesday at 5:30 p.m. at Nacho Mama’s. Threeand four-mile routes are available for all ages and abilities of runners. Call 706-414-4059 or email jim@ enduranceconcepts.com.

Beginning Computer II Computer Class is Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org.

Hockey Skills & Drills is every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Augusta Ice Sports Center. $10-$15. Call 706-8630061 or visit augustaicesports.com.

Saturday Historic Trolley Tour, every Saturday, begins at the Museum of History and tours historic downtown Augusta from 1-3:15 p.m. Reservations required. All seats are $12. 706-724-4067.

Thursday Night Chain Reaction Ride begins at 6 p.m. each Thursday at Patriots Park in Grovetown. For intermediate to fast-paced cyclists, who average 25-32 miles. Participants should bring their own water and helmet. Call 706-855-2024 or visit chainreactionbicycles.net.

Benefits

Karma Yoga is offered at Just Breathe Studio, downtown Aiken, each Friday at 10 a.m. and is free if participants bring a donation of a personal item which will be given to the Cumbee Center to Assist Abused Persons. Call 803-648-8048 or visit justbreathestudio.com.

Sports-Outdoors

The Augusta GreenJackets play the Hagerstown Suns TuesdayThursday, July 12-14, at 7:05 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. $1$13. Call 706-922-WINS or visit greenjacketsbaseball.com.

Riverview Disc Golf League meets each Thursday at 6 p.m. at Riverview Park in North Augusta. $5 entry fee and $1 ace pool. Call 803-2158181 or visit augustadiscgolf.com. Road Bike Ride meets each Thursday at 6:30 p.m. at Andy Jordan’s Bicycle Warehouse downtown for an approximately 25-mile ride at a moderate to fast pace. Front and rear lights, as well as a helmet, are required. Call 706-7246777 or visit andyjordans.com. Wheelchair Tennis Clinic, presented by the Walton Foundation for Independence, meets each Monday at 6

RICHARDINGRAMLAW.com

If you ride...You need an attorney who rides.

Richard A. Ingram, Jr.

A Motorcycle Rider’s Attorney 631 Ronald Reagan Dr., Suite 102 • Evans, GA 30809

V. 22 | NO. 46

1-877-81-BIKER METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 21

Our family serving your family since 1952

TIRE TOWN

1854 Gordon Highway | 706.738.3374

new and used

ner

Bob

Wil

liam

s|M

ana

ger

: Ch

ris

Hie

In and out in under 60 minutes

$10 anything off

must present coupon | limit one per customer | expires 7.21.2011

p.m. (weather permitting) at The Club at Rae’s Creek. Free and open to the public. Call 706-826-5809 or email alsalley@ wrh.org.

Embroidery Guild of America Meeting is Monday, July 11, from 4-6 p.m. at the Appleby Branch Library. Call 706-736-6244 or visit ecgrl.org.

Augusta Canal Boat Tours lasting one hour are offered daily at 10 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m. and 3 p.m. Saturday Sunset Cruises, lasting three hours, are at 5 p.m. All tours include admission to the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center. Call 706-823-0440 or visit augustacanal.com.

Guitar Hero Practice and Contest is Monday, July 11, from 6-8:30 p.m. at the Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Kids

Toddler Time: Art Adventures with Nature is Thursday, July 7, from 10-11 a.m. or 11:15 a.m.-12:15 p.m. View paintings from the exhibition Philip Juras: The Southern Frontier and listen to Deborah Kogan Ray’s children’s book “The Flower Hunter: William Bartram, America’s First Naturalist.” Afterwards, participants will make their own flower using paints and canvas. Museum family members, free; non-members, $4 per participant. Pre-registration required. Call 706-828-3867 or visit themorris.org. Simply Science at Reed Creek Nature Park, for ages 5 and up, is on Thursday, July 7, from 10-11:30 a.m. Collect creek clay and create a miniature volcano. Free for members and $2 per child for non-members. Call 706-2104027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Bandana Pillows is Thursday, July 7, at 2 p.m. Participants will learn to make a no-sew pillow using bandanas at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. For ages 11-17. Pre-registration required. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Freedom Friday at the Family Y of Augusta South is Friday, July 8, from 6-9:30 p.m. This will be a fun, entertaining night for children of deployed soldiers. For ages 8 weeks-12 years. To register, visit any Family Y or thefamilyy.org. Pond Exploration at Reed Creek Nature Park, for ages 5 and up, is Saturday, July 9, from 10-11 a.m. Free for members; $2 for non-members. Pre-registration required. Call 706210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. Movie Night on the Field at Wilson Family Y is Saturday, July 9, at 7:30 p.m. Free. Visit thefamilyy.org. Let’s Explore Australia, a program that celebrates the country and in which participants make a boomerang, is Monday, July 11, at 3 p.m. For ages 3-5. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org.

22 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Critters Underground at Reed Creek Nature Park is Tuesday, July 12, from 10-11 a.m. For ages 5 and up. Free for members and $2 per child for nonmembers. Pre-registration required. Call 706-210-4027 or visit reedcreekpark.com. A Trip to Ghana, presented by Kahfre Abif, is Tuesday, July 12, at 10 a.m. at the Wallace Branch Library. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org. Animals of the Galapagos Islands with Dr. Cathy from the ASU Biology Department will be Tuesday, July 12, at 10 a.m. at the Friedman Branch Library. Call 706-736-6758 or visit ecgrl.org. Animal Sounds from Around the World will be Tuesday, July 12, at 10 a.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Call 706-722-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Craft Program at the Appleby Branch Library is Tuesday, July 12, at 11 a.m. For ages 3-5. Call 706-7366244 or visit ecgrl.org. Guitar Hero Practice and Contest is Tuesday, July 12, from 2-4:30 p.m. at the Burke County Library. Call 706554-3277 or visit ecgrl.org. Reptiles with Savannah River Ecology Lab is Tuesday, July 12, at 6 p.m. at the Euchee Creek Library. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. Guitar Hero Practice and Contest is Wednesday, July 13, from 1-4 p.m. at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Call 706-722-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Camping Safety with Mistletoe State Park is Wednesday, July 13, at 2 p.m. at Columbia County Library. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. SRS Ecology Lab Visit, including live reptiles native to the area, is Wednesday, July 13, at 2:30 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call 706-5569795 or visit ecgrl.org. AJADACO and ABATSU African Drums and Dance is a program in which participants will dance, drum V. 22 | NO. 46

and have fun while learning about West African traditions at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library on Thursday, July 14, at 10 a.m. For all ages; pre-registration required for groups of 6 or more. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Special Story Times at Pendleton King Park with Inspiration Sensation will be Thursday, June 14, at 10 a.m. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. Bricks 4 Kidz: Building with Legos is Thursday, July 14, at 6 p.m. at the Harlem Branch Library. Call 706556-9795 or visit ecgrl.org. Tae Kwon Do lessons are at the Wilson Family Y, Family Y of Augusta South and North Augusta throughout the month of July. Lessons are twice a week and for all skill levels, ages 5 and up. $35 per month for members; $55 per month for non-members. Register at any Family Y location or online at thefamilyy.org. The Power of Art, a summer arts camp for children ages 4-6 who have not yet started the first grade, meets from 9 a.m.-noon the weeks of July 11, 18 and 25. All take place at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Camps are $130 per week and pre-registration is required. Call 803-641-9094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. In My Backyard shows at USCAiken’s Dupont Planetarium Saturdays in June at 8 p.m. Visitors will learn how they can identify objects in the sky using the naked eye, binoculars and telescopes. Tickets are $4.50 for adults, $3.50 for seniors, $2.50 for 4K-12th grade students and $1 for USC-A students,

Chandler’s Mystique Creations

faculty and staff. Call 803-641-3769 or visit usca.edu/rpsec/planetarium/.

Camps are $60 per week for members and $75 for non-members. Call 706-7225495 or visit ghia.org.

Larry Cat in Space shows at USC-Aiken’s Dupont Planetarium Saturdays in July at 8 p.m., while To the Moon and Beyond Shows at 9 p.m. Tickets for each show are $4.50 for adults, $3.50 for seniors, $2.50 for 4K-12th grade students and $1 for USC-A students, faculty and staff. Call 803-641-3769 or visit usca.edu/rpsec/ planetarium/.

children’s department of Barnes and Noble in the Augusta Mall. Call 706-7370012 or visit bn.com.

Family Y Day Camps, at all area branches, run weekly throughout the summer. For ages 5-17, pre-registration is required for all camps, and a deposit of $15 per child per week is charged upon initial enrollment in a camp program. Register at any Family Y location or online at thefamilyy.org.

Homeschool Playgroup meets each Thursday at 10:30 a.m. at Creighton Park in North Augusta. Call 803-613-0484.

Monday Movie Matinees at the Diamond Lakes Branch Library show at 2 p.m. throughout the summer. Participants may bring their own snacks. Call the library for a list of movies to be shown. No movies are scheduled on July 4. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Less Than Two Minutes Film Contest for Young Adults is going on through Monday, July 18. Movies less than two minutes in length submitted by that deadline will be eligible for prizes and will be shown at the Diamond Lakes Library’s Less Than Two Minutes Film Festival on Monday, July 25, at 6 p.m. Prizes will be awarded for best of show, best of show runner-up, most innovative and fan favorite. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Registration for Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art Summer Camps, for kids ages 5-11, is going on now. The camps, held at either the GHIA location downtown or at The Quest Church on Washington Road in Martinez, are held in one-week sessions. Afternoon camps at the GHIA’s downtown location, are offered the weeks of July 11 and July 18.

Summer Art Camps at the Aiken Center for the Arts, for those ages 4 and up, will be conducted weekly through July 25 and feature a different theme each week. Half-day and full-day programs available. $117-$193.50 for members and $130-$215 for non-members. Preregistration is going on now. Call 803-6419094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. The Augusta Arsenal Soccer Club Junior Academy, for boys and girls ages 5-8, meets each Thursday at 5:30 p.m. at the Augusta Soccer Park. Call 706-8540149 or visit augustasoccer.com.

Line Dancing is each Tuesday at the Weeks Center in Aiken at 10 a.m. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Toddler Time, free play for children ages 5 and under, is each Monday and Wednesday from 9:3011:30 a.m. at the H.O. Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov. Ceramics Class, for ages 14 and up, meets Mondays at 9 a.m. or 6 p.m., Tuesdays at 6 p.m. and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. in the Weeks Ceramics Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Ceramics Class is offered at 9 a.m. on Mondays or Wednesdays and 6 p.m. on Mondays or Tuesdays at the Weeks Center. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Wacky Wednesday Story Time is each Wednesday at 10 a.m. in the

Fit 4 Ever is offered at the Weeks Center in Aiken on Mondays,

YARD SALE

Saturday, July 9th (121 Skinner Rd. Augusta Ga. 30907) TIMES: 8AM - 1PM Rain or Shine! WHERE: Off Washington Rd. between Domino’s Pizza and Chik-fil-a, second house on the right.

declassifieds

ITEMS FOR SALE: Entertainment center, futon bed frame, and more.

All declassified ads are Cash in

declassifieds V. 22 | NO. 46

Games for Seniors at the Weeks Center in Aiken include Rummikub each Thursday from 9 a.m.-noon, Mahjong each Thursday from 1-4 p.m., Bridge each Friday from 11:30 a.m.-3 p.m., Bingo each Tuesday at 9 a.m., Pinochle each Tuesday from 10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.; and Canasta on Tuesdays and Fridays from 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. Call 803-6427631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

Silversneakers I is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 9 a.m. and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 11:15 a.m., while Silversneakers Yogastretch is offered Mondays and Wednesdays at 11:15 a.m. at the Weeks Center in Aiken. Call 803-642-7631 or visit cityofaikensc.gov.

hand crafted jewelry sterling silver all natural stones FIND US EVERY SATURDAY 8AM - 2PM at the Augusta Market (8th & Reynolds) earrings & necklaces hand crafted leather Great Prices

Seniors

(actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week

Advance (credit card payment required) and are $40 per week. Visit metrospirit.com to place your ad in minutes.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 23

Honey, it’s time to paint! Interior · Exterior · High Quality · Great Prices

Painting your house is one of the best ways to add value to your home.

We pressure wash homes too!

AUGUSTA

TEK Disney World Invests in Tech Greg Baker

! s e v o r p p A HEY! This guy painted our new office!

Best Painting Services 706.589.3954

since.... well... FOREVER

FREE 706. QUOT 922. E 9675

My family spent last week experiencing the magic of Disney World in Orlando, Fla. While the classics continue, Disney is investing in the latest technology to bring new worlds to life. But before getting to the fun stuff, here’s a quick tip we discovered that other groups might find helpful. We had 11 people in our group, with three teenagers and three younger kids. Needless to say, we had to split up in order to keep everyone happy. (For whatever reason, teenagers seem to prefer Space Mountain over Winnie the Pooh and Peter Pan.) Group texting proved to be a perfect way to stay in contact. For you folks over 35, group texting allows members of a group to send a text to the entire group at once. Groups are set up through services like GroupMe. Grandma and Grandpa didn’t really get it, but the whole system worked quite nicely for the rest of us. Now to the cool stuff. The thrill rides are still there. The Rock ’n’ Roll Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith and the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror in Hollywood Studios in particular are great. The most compelling attractions to me are the 3D simulators. Hollywood Studios and Epcot feature a number of 3D rides that were very satisfying. All of these rides create a multisensory experience which enables riders to

enter a virtual world, whether that is hang gliding over California as in Soarin’ or piloting a spaceship to Mars as in Mission: Space. For me, Star Tours creates the best experience. The simulation puts you on a Rebel Transport flying through a space battle over Coruscant and through the Imperial invasion of Hoth. I found myself gripping the seats and holding on more intensely than I did on Space Mountain. I couldn’t help but think (and hope) that this could be the precursor of next-gen IMAX. In an interesting side note about the trip, the largest McDonald’s in the world is also found in Orlando. This restaurant is decked out with all kinds of technology in order to speed the ordering process. Two point-of-sale stations exist for each line, and no less than 20 flat screen monitors to provide information to customers and staff. It took 20 minutes for us to get our order. Just a reminder that no matter the technology, no matter how good your system, if you don’t have a team willing to step up and work together, your organization is not going to perform. Until next time, follow me on Twitter at @gregory_a_baker.

Mosquito Squad’s 21-day barrier spray. Fogs the area surrounding your home and backyard. Proven, trusted barrier of mosquito control protection Our EPA-registered mosquito control solution is safe and dependable. Mosquito Squad mosquito control is also available for outdoor weddings, picnics, concerts, family reunions and other outdoor special events.

(706) 922 - 9675 • AUGUSTA@MOSQUITOSQUAD.COM 24 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., was raised in Columbia County and is currently the vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits. He has been married for 15 years and is the father to twin girls, so he supports 37 Barbies, eight American Girl dolls and innumerable stuffed animals. V. 22 | NO. 46

THE

BOX TOPS

Does it really matter what critics thought of “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”? Nah. It still claimed the Independence Day weekend record. RANK TITLE

WEEKEND GROSS TOTAL GROSS

WEEK #

LAST WEEK

TRANSFORMERS

$97,500,000

$162,225,000

CARS 2

$26,170,000

$117,101,000

BAD TEACHER

$14,500,000

$59,945,000

LARRY CROWNE

$13,111,000

SUPER 8

$7,820,000

$108,356,000

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Sam Eifling The fanciest toy commercial ever looks great… and that’s about it Hardly a minute passes in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” without something visually astonishing appearing on screen, and, in that, we must give director Michael Bay his due for beating us over the head. He’s always ladling on robot battles, or Chicago getting trashed like a frat house during a kegger, or a Victoria’s Secret model playing Shia LeBeouf’s girlfriend (an upgrade on Megan Fox, if such things were thought possible), or classic cars, or the awe-inspiring Milwaukee Art Museum, or wing-suited paratroopers, or more giant robots fighting and knocking over skyscrapers — on it goes. It looks fantastic. Where you’ll find yourself hating it is in every line delivered by John Turturro, reprising his role as a Transformers-obsessed scientist, and by Frances McDormand, almost unbearable as a grating Secretary of Defense. That’s when you’ll realize, too, that you’re getting riled over clunktastic performances in what is in essence the fanciest toy commercial ever. We start with the premise that

the entire Apollo space program was a cover to investigate an alien ship crash-landing on the back of the moon, so Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong are dispatched to beat the Ruskies to the alien paydirt. By this, the second “Transformers” sequel, the Autobots have saved Earth twice from the Decepticons and have been integrated into the U.S. government as some kind of stealth-car task force that rolls in and beats up bad guys. The investment and refinement in the Transformer effects — especially in, you know, transforming — have gone from quite good in the 2007 “Transformers” to virtually seamless in this third installment. Early on, when the Decepticons lure the Autobots into an ambush at Chernobyl, you’ll truly believe that enormous mechanized sandworm-octopus monsters are gnashing through warehouses and fighting sentient cars and trucks in the desolate Ukraine. Anyway, the Autobots finally learn of the crashed ship — one of theirs, from eons ago — and head to the moon to pick up some gadgetry and an old Autobot (Sentinel Prime, voiced

by Leonard Nimoy, who nerds may recall played Galvatron in the 1985 “Transformers: The Movie”). That all turns out not to work as well as they’d hoped, and it appears the human species may soon be enslaved. LeBeouf, back (for a final time, he has said) as Sam Witwicky, struggles through a demeaning life not saving the world with the Transformers until he realizes that he needs to help the Transformers save the world again. His slimy boss is played by John Malkovich; his girlfriend Carly (yuk, yuk) is the constantly ogled Rosie HuntingtonWhiteley; and her slimy boss is Patrick Dempsey. Present-day Buzz Aldrin is played semi-convincingly by present-day Buzz Aldrin.

There’s plenty wrong with the script (you can imagine its bard, Ehren Kruger, exclaiming, “This thing writes itself!”) and the overall tone of the movie, which devolves into slapstick at the worst times: right before (and even during) murders, for instance. Surely some of the humor is there to leaven a bleak storyline in what is ostensibly still a kids’ movie; the result is a beige emotional smoothie. This “Transformers” installment reminds us that dying and digitizing the alien-robot takeover of the world are easy; comedy is hard. If you can stomach fine actors slogging through leaden performances, though, the indulgent spectacle in this sucker is so, so worth it.

MOVIE REVIEW V. 22 | NO. 46

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 25

· PIG

It’s Hot... Our Beer’s Cold!

POLKA

DOT

GASTROPUB C E N T E R

S U R R E Y

706.496.2930

BAR STAYS

$3 Cocktails $2 Domestic Beer $3 Glasses of Wine

OPEN LATE

Happy Hour 4 - 7 pm

Great Micro Beers on Tap! Lunch & Dinner Tuesday - Saturday

Private Parties or Call Ahead and Take Us Home

Augusta’s Best Fish & Chips! P

Come in today and take a demo ride on the Harley-Davidson® of your dreams and receive a limited edition Captain America movie poster.

AUGUSTA HARLEY-DAVIDSON®

4200 Belair Frontage Road, Augusta, GA. 30909 706-651-0444 augustahd.com

26 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

V. 22 | NO. 46

Opening Friday, July 8

THE8ERS Going to the movies this weekend? Here’s what’s playing.

Black Comedy “Horrible Bosses,” rated R, starring Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell, Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, Donald Sutherland. Three friends make a pact to murder each other’s bosses, labeled psycho, maneater and tool. Wouldn’t it be funny if Colin Farrell played the maneater?

Comedy “Zookeeper,” rated PG, starring Kevin James, Rosario Dawson, Ken Jeong. Schlubby dude, hot girlfriend, talking animals. Again? Really?

The Big Mo thebigmo.com July 8-9 Main Field: Zookeeper (PG) and Cars 2 (G); Screen 2: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) and Super 8 (PG-13) Screen 3: Horrible Bosses (R) and Green Lantern (PG-13). Gates open at 7 p.m.; shows begin at 8:30 p.m. (approximately)

Penguins (PG) 11:25, 1:50, 4:35, 7:10, 9:30, 12:05; Super 8 (PG-13) 11:50, 2:50, 5:30, 8:10, 10:50; The Hangover Part II (R) 4:20, 7:20, 10, 12:30; Kung Fu Panda 2 (PG) 11:10, 1:25; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 4:55, 10:40; Bridesmaids (R) 12:25, 4:10, 7:15, 10:30

Evans Cinemas georgiatheatrecompany.com

Masters 7 Cinemas georgiatheatrecompany.com July 8-9 Priest (PG-13) 1:45, 4:15, 7:30, 9:50; Thor (PG-13) 1, 4, 7, 9:40: Fast Five (PG13) 12:45, 3:45, 6:45, 9:35; Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family (PG-13) 1:30, 4:45, 7:15, 9:45; Rio the Movie (G) 2, 5, 7:45, 10; Soul Surfer (PG) 1:45, 4:30, 7:30, 9:55; The Lincoln Lawyer (R) 1:15, 4, 6:45, 9:30

Regal Exchange 20

D N E M M O C E R I “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” I absolutely adore the movie; it’s a timeless classic. The love story is beautiful, but it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, it’s a real kind of love that has its trials. The kind of love that truly exists outside of the movies. Also, the movie is stylish. I love fashion and the fashion in this movie is amazing. People still try to copy Audrey Hepburn’s look from this movie; I know I own more than a couple of pairs of huge sunglasses. Every woman has a little Holly Golightly in them; whether it’s because she’s a small town girl with a big city personality, or because she’s afraid of opening herself up to be loved, Holly can be found inside us all. This is definitely the movie I put in my DVD player on a rainy day, especially when I have a case of the “mean reds.” Too bad Augusta doesn’t have a Tiffany’s. — Jessica Lynne Garrett

regmovies.com July 8-9 Horrible Bosses (R) 11:15, 12:15, 1:40, 2:40, 4:05, 5:05, 7, 7:30, 9:25, 9:55, 11:50, 12:20; Zookeeper (PG) 11, noon, 1:30, 2:30, 4, 5, 7:10, 7:40, 9:40, 10:10, 12:10; Larry Crowne (PG-13) 11:20, 1:45, 4:30, 7:45, 10:25; Monte Carlo (PG) 11:45, 2:20, 5:15, 7:50, 10:35; Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) 11:05, 11:30, 11:55, 12:20, 2:30, 2:55, 3:20, 3:45, 4:15, 4:45, 6, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30, 9:25, 9:55, 10:20, 10:55, 11:25, 11:55; Cars 2 (G) 11, 11:35, 12:05, 12:35, 1:15, 2:15, 2:45, 7:05, 8, 9:50, 12:30; Green Lantern (PG-13) 12:30, 4:25, 7:25, 10:15; Mr. Popper’s

July 8 Horrible Bosses (R) 12:20, 2:35, 4:50, 7:20, 9:50; Zookeeper (PG) 11:45, 12:15, 2:05, 2:45, 4:30, 5:15, 7, 7:45, 9:30, 10:10; Larry Crowne (PG-13) 12:05, 2:25, 4:40, 7:10, 9:40; Monte Carlo (PG) Noon, 2:35, 5:05, 7:35, 10:05; Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) 12:15, 1, 1:45, 3:30, 4:15, 5, 6:45, 7:30, 8:15, 9:55; Bad Teacher (R) 1:10, 3:20, 5:30, 7:50, 10:10; Cars 2 (G) 12:30, 12:45, 3, 5:30, 6:45, 8; Mr. Popper’s Penguins (PG) 11:55, 2:10, 4:25, 6:55, 9:25; Super 8 (PG-13) 1:20, 4:05, 7:05, 10; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG-13) 3:50, 9:35 July 9 Horrible Bosses (R) 12:20, 2:35, 4:50, 7:20, 9:50; Zookeeper (PG) 11:45, 12:15, 2:05, 2:45, 4:30, 5:15, 7, 7:45, 9:30, 10:10; Larry Crowne (PG-13) 12:05, 2:25, 4:40, 7:10, 9:40; Monte Carlo (PG) Noon, 2:35, 5:05, 7:35, 10:05; Transformers: Dark of the Moon (PG-13) 12:15, 1, 1:45, 3:30, 4:15, 5, 6:45, 7:30, 8:15, 9:55; Bad Teacher (R) 1:10, 3:20, 5:30, 7:50, 10:10; Cars 2 (G) 11:45, 12:30, 2:15, 3, 4:45, 5:30, 7:15, 8, 9:45; Green Lantern (PG-13) 12:45, 6:45; Mr. Popper’s Penguins (PG) 11:55, 2:10, 4:25, 6:55, 9:25; Super 8 (PG-13) 1:20, 4:05, 7:05, 10; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (PG13) 3:50, 9:35

Advertise in the Metro Spirit!

IT WORKS! joe@themetrospirit.com or call 706.373.3636

V. 22 | NO. 46

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 27

Amy Christian

ART Sew Pretty

What saves Sally Keiser from being featured on TLC? She hordes for business purposes only.

Sally Keiser has a hording problem. It’s so bad that the manager of the Wrightsboro Road location of the Salvation Army store knows her by name. “It’s gotten to the point when the manager sees me checking out he says, ‘Be nice to her. That’s an important customer,’” the 26-year-old Keiser laughed. What is she buying? Clothes, placemats, a handful of vintage zippers in a variety of colors… it doesn’t matter to Keiser. She knows she can make something out of even the most bizarre looking item. “Yeah, I kind of have a hording problem,” she admitted. “It’s either something I can wear or it’s excusable because it’s work related.” Keiser, you see, sews. All day every day she’s in her apartment workroom — an airy blue space that contains four sewing machines, three dress forms, cutting tables, racks and piles of clothes — staring at the color-coded pieces, wondering what she can do to breathe new life into them.

Keiser’s current fascination is repurposing secondhand lingerie, which she dyes and updates. “I have a rack of all my dyed pieces and it’s from one end of the color spectrum to the other and I’ll pick two pieces that are in the same color spectrum so I don’t have to change thread,” she explained of a typical workday. “I work on them all simultaneously. It keeps me from getting stuck on just one. I tend to do about 10 things at once instead of just one or two.” She also makes purses, makeup pouches and other accessories, along with the occasional dress or skirt. “When I started my business it was all handbags and accessories because the different sizes sort of intimidated me,” she explained. “I think maybe in the fall I’m going to do more clothing. In early January, I decided I wanted to do lingerie and I decided I wanted to stick with that for a while.” Keiser certainly likes to stick with things she’s learned. She began sewing when she was a child, having

grown accustomed to seeing her mother behind the family’s sewing machine. “I think I was about seven years old,” she said. “It was as soon as my mom thought I was old enough to operate her sewing machine. She always made our clothes when we were growing up.”

Contrary to how some children would have felt at the prospect of wearing clothes made for them by their mothers, Keiser loved it. “It was awesome,” she said. “My sister is a year and a half younger than I am, so when I was really young, she would make us matching clothes and we’d pretend that we

sightings Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Bryan and Amy Tuschen on July 4th.

28 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Stacie Hand and David Jones at Gerald Jones V W 4th of July weekend.

Sisters Nia Geng, Grace Johnson and Yijing Geng at the Springlakes pool 4th of July weekend.

V. 22 | NO. 46

Sally Keiser were twins. One year she took a pair of jeans and made them into overalls. I was the only one who had it so it was exciting for me.” It was when Keiser grew out of wanting to dress exactly like her sister that her interest in sewing began. Her thrift store bargain shopping began in middle school and, by high school, her obsession was in full swing. “Me and my closest friend, we were always making clothes and sewing together,” Keiser remembered. “That was over 10 years ago when style blogging and the internet weren’t as popular, so I was always considered strange. The other kids at school didn’t think it was as cool as it was.”

She survived high school and, in college, decided to put her talents to work. “I went to Michigan State and, for my first year, I didn’t have a job,” she said. “I handed out flyers that said Alterations by Sally, and from there I was doing ball gowns for sororities. It was in the end of my third year that I realized that I was doing that more than studying and that anthropology was not a career I wanted to pursue.” Keiser stayed in Michigan until her sister, in the Navy and stationed at Fort Gordon, made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. “Free rent and studio space in exchange for the snow and cold of

Michigan,” she said. “So I jumped on it and moved down here.” Her sister now in Pensicola, Fla., Keiser says she’s decided to stay. At least for a while. “She wants me to,” Keiser said when asked if she would again follow her sister, “but I really enjoy Augusta. It’s really different than any place I’ve lived before. I love the downtown community, so I don’t think I’ll leave for a couple more years.” Right now, she’s content with her routine: waking up to a cat’s paw on her face, working in her sewing room during the day and tending bar during weekday happy hour at Stillwater Tap Room.

Our OYSTERS are the Best Ever!

And never throwing anything away. “I have a hard time getting rid of anything fabric related,” she said, “because I think maybe I’ll wear it next year. Maybe I’ll cut it up next year and make something out of it.” For more information about Sally Keiser, or to find links to her etsy.com store or tutorials for everything from cat beds made out of suitcases to a clothing rack, visit sallyannk.blogspot.com. Or you can find her at Stillwater Tap Room Monday through Friday during happy hour.

Happy Hour MON-FRI 4:30 p.m. - 7 p.m. Food & Drink Specials

SURREY CENTER ON HIGHLAND AVE. — THE FRENCHMARKETGRILLE.COM — 707.737.4865

Charlie Sheldon and Rachel Moody Osbon at Sacred Heart Cultural Center.

V. 22 | NO. 46

Stephen Lint and Morgan Tuschen on July 4th.

Darrell French and Steve Smith at Masters Pontiac GMC 4th of July weekend.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 29

JENNY is WRIGHT

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

Nothing Says Independence Like Fireworks When you think of Independence Day, what comes to mind? Hot dogs, jean shorts (jorts!) and Budweiser? Will Smith saving us from the aliens? Freedom, George Washington and the Liberty Bell? Of course I value our freedom and whatnot, but I love fireworks. Who doesn’t love fireworks? Well, okay. Our dog Lizzy hates them. She is terrified of baths but when she hears fireworks or thunder she heads straight to the bathtub. Most humans, however, love fireworks. For the past two years, we’ve done the fireworks thing downtown. We used to do Thunder over Thurmond, but after an apparent dispute, they cancelled it this year. The lights display downtown Augusta is actually pretty impressive! Last year, we happened upon a great spot where, because The Man helped sell beer for an hour, we got free beer and bathroom access. This year we, thanks to the suggestion of friends, planned for an even better location. No, I’m not going to tell you where it is. Although it’d be great to see every one of you, the spot wouldn’t be the same if there were big crowds. I will tell you that we had a great view of the river, the bridge and the light show. We brought a picnic and wine and set up camp. While we waited we pondered life and solved the world’s problems. We mentioned several times that the temperature by the river was significantly cooler than it had been

up the hill. It really was surprisingly beautiful for July 2 in Augusta. While noting this, someone mentioned that, in Texas, it’s been so hot that the air temperature is 98 and the water temperatures (for swimming) are almost the same.

Laurel Swanson, Jonna Hundley and Maygen Tuschen on July 4th.

30 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Because I can make fun of myself, I’ll tell y’all the rest of the story. I sat there completely confused for about three minutes. The Man, who can be a tad argumentative, said, “That’s not that hot, really. It wouldn’t provide much relief but it’s not even bathwater hot.”

Ashley Brown and Kati Whitman at Starbucks in Martinez.

I thought, “what a jerk! Why is he saying that? Can’t he just agree with everyone? I mean, water boils at 100 degrees. People’s skin would be blistering and peeling off at that temperature! Third degree burns!” I know that water boils at 100 degrees Celsius, not Fahrenheit, and shouldn’t admit out loud when my brain fails me so, but I told them. They laughed at me. They should have. After the show, we waited for traffic to die down so we got watch the recessional of boats making their way back down the Savannah River. It was pretty serene, really. All of the boats, heading the same direction, politely staying out of the way of others. There was one jerk who tried to pass everyone, pulling around the parade, causing the rest to bobble. The cops were on it. Out of the darkness came blue lights and in cheers erupted from the boat brigade. He underwent complete sobriety test under the spotlight while tethered to the police boat. The result? He wasn’t drunk. He got off with a warning and the A-hole Award. We all appreciated and enjoyed the drama. Anyway, the fireworks were great. If you haven’t been, go next year. Go early, stay late and enjoy your city. They worked hard for this one and it paid off.

Chris Philips and Craig Hall at University in Evans.

V. 22 | NO. 46

CRISP Whet Your App

Supersaver Coupons unveils next generation money saving technique

Talk about extreme couponing. TranterGrey Media Group and Supersaver Coupons unveiled on Friday, July 1, a mobile application that allows smartphone users to redeem paperless coupons at local businesses and bookmark their favorites so that new coupons automatically pop up. It all began almost a year ago, when TranterGrey and Supersaver owner Blane Bailey saw something similar in another market. Already offering his business clients direct mail, TV and internet to put their names in front of cost-conscious consumers, Bailey knew this was the next step for his business. “We’re always looking for new things we can do for our customers that’s affordable — the most amount of advertising for the least amount of dollars for our customers,” he said. “We cater to the local guy, mostly, and the local guy a lot of times can’t afford a lot of advertising. That’s why I got into direct mail, and I’ve been doing it for almost 20 years.” After researching different apps from around the country, Bailey said he picked the four he liked best and took aspects of each that he thought would be most popular here to users and clients alike. Once he had come up with an app he thought would fly in the Augusta area market, Bailey said he hit a little bit of a snag. “We went to an app store and they told me it could run $50,000,” he said. “So we found a local person who could do it. It was still expensive, but we believe it’s the next step in couponing. And couponing now is hot.” Thanks to a plethora of websites and shows such as “Extreme Couponing,” more and more people are looking to save. But they want to do it in the easiest way possible. That’s what Bailey says is so great about Supersaver Mobile. Users can, by going to supersavermobile. com, download and bookmark the app in a matter of minutes, then browse the available deals in categories that range from advertising and electronics to heating and air and retail. V. 22 | NO. 46

Once the user finds a deal she wants to take advantage of — say 20 percent off breakfast or lunch at Ruth’s Family Restaurant or a buy one, get one free deal on milkshakes at Checker’s — she simply hits a little red button to redeem it. The coupon code is sent to the user’s phone, and the user shows it to the restaurant employee to redeem it. “You just show the phone,” Bailey said. “There’s no printing, no paper involved. You just show your phone and that’s the ease of it.” Not only that, users can add a certain restaurant or store to their list of favorites so that future deals will automatically be sent to their email addresses, or share

the deals with friends and family via Facebook and Twitter. In addition, while Supersaver Coupons are zoned, meaning customers in different parts of the area receive different coupons, mobile app users receive all the deals available. “All of the offers are on the app,” Bailey said, “as opposed to the zoned offers that go to different areas in Augusta.” Savvy shoppers aren’t the only ones who benefit from the app, however. Bailey’s clients not only have one more inexpensive way to reach customers (the service is $75 a month, or $25 for those

who are doing paper coupons as well), they can also track how many customers are taking advantage of this service fairly easily. “I can call someone up and say, ‘Hey, you’re up to 330 favorites right now,’” he explained. Bailey predicts that Supersaver Mobile is going to be a big hit with both clients and users. “It’s something I like to call a win-win,” he said. “It’s easy for the customer and it’s easy for the client.” To take advantage of Supersaver Mobile, visit supersavermobile.com. For all other questions about the new program, call 706731-8415 or visit trantergreymedia.com.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 31

Punked by Paula Deen? Local restaurateur appears in cooking diva’s mag… eventually

When French Market Grille West’s Jim Beck began receiving calls from a woman saying she worked for Paula Deen and wanted to do a story about his restaurant for the celebrity chef’s monthly magazine, he thought he was being punked. “I was kind of skeptical,” he admitted. “I was kind of like, ‘Is this for real?’” So he gave a friend the woman’s name and had her checked out. It turns out, a group of Deen’s staffers had recently dined at the Fury’s Ferry Road restaurant. “Some of her people were in the restaurant Masters Week and I didn’t know they were there,” Beck said. After his initial reluctance Beck said that he and the staffer began emailing questions, answers and pictures back and forth. “I talked with her a couple more

32 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

times,” he said. “I emailed her some pictures we had taken during Mardi Gras at the restaurant and, next thing you know, we were in the book.” The information that made it into the story in Cooking With Paula Deen includes everything from Beck’s cooking experience and how he got started in the restaurant business to notes on the special the staffers ate during Masters Week. “There were just a lot of questions about the restaurant and the operation of it,” he said. “I think it was a pretty good article. They gave us a full page.” Before the story appeared, Beck said he had no idea the reach of Paula Deen’s influence. He does now, though. “I watch a lot of the Food Network, but I don’t watch Paula all the time,” he said. “I didn’t realize how many people watch her and subscribe to her

Jim Beck magazine. But it has definitely gotten around. The word’s out about it, and that can’t hurt you at all.” There is one thing that still bothers Beck, however.

“I’m more than flattered that we made that kind of impression on somebody,” he said, “but I never did ask the lady what prompted them to eat here.”

V. 22 | NO. 46

In a Pickle

Owner of Columbia County restaurant enjoys hard work

Running a restaurant is no easy task for a corporation, much less an individual. But it helps, says Richard Collins, if you don’t see it as a chore. “I look at restaurants as another form of entertainment,” he said during a recent lunchtime rush at Pickles Cafe and Grill. One of the few non-corporate-owned restaurants in Columbia County, Collins opened Pickles in November of 2010 and it occupies the former site of Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers. The fact that the building was fairly new worked to Collins’ advantage; the fact that it was a fast-food restaurant specializing in fried chicken and fries didn’t, he said. “You would think the place would have kitchen equipment, but it didn’t have anything,” he said. “It had a fourbay fryer back there and that was about it. It took up all the good space, so I had to move that thing out of there. It didn’t even have dishwashers.” Physical alterations to the building took up much of the time between when Collins decided to lease the space from Raising Cane’s in 2009 and when he opened Pickles 14 months later. The other time-consuming aspect was developing the concept for the restaurant. “If it had been a different location, we might have done something different,” he said. “We didn’t even come up with the name Pickles until after I executed the lease.” The one aspect of opening that Collins said he never had to worry about was interference from his landlord, who he said was very patient and helpful. Also helpful were those in charge of guiding him through all the rules and regulations required when opening a restaurant. “I’m being totally honest when I say this; the easiest people I had to deal with in getting Pickles opened was working with Columbia County,” he said. “Columbia County has been wonderful to us, they honestly have. All the way from the fire inspector, the building inspector, of course the health inspector, she’s with the state, but she’s been great. She came in here and worked with us and told us what we needed to do.” Now that Pickles is open, it has made a name for itself as a laid-back lunch V. 22 | NO. 46

and dinner spot that serves a variety of salads, sandwiches and burgers, as well as steaks and specialty entrees such as Tuscan Beef Kabobs and Chicken Marsala. Pickles serves beer and wine, and offers free wi-fi as well. That’s not to say, however, that Collins has everything exactly as he wants it. He is currently working to revamp the restaurant’s website, and says it’s not unusual for the staff — including Executive Chef Mike Trevathan and Sous Chef Sean Grier — to constantly tweak the menu. “It’s still a work in progress; it’s something we massage every day,” Collins explained. “It’s not unusual for us to take a particular dish that we’ve been serving for a period of time and, for one reason or another, change it because we found something better.” Collins doesn’t mind taking chances,

either, whether it be his eventual plan to open more restaurants or just opening on July 4 with a skeleton crew, like they did this past Monday. “My god, we got slammed,” he laughed. “I’m seating people, serving people tea.” That, however, is what he likes about owning his own business, a philosophy he has honed during his years as president and CEO of Infopro, a company that specializes in electronic healthcare transcription for computerized patient record systems. Some might think there’s not enough hours in the day for one business, much less two, but Collins says they all get the attention they deserve. “This is not moonlighting,” he said of Pickles. “I want my businesses to have 100 percent of my focus. I don’t treat this any different than my other

business. I don’t treat this any different than my home and I consider my home a business. It’s all interactive. If this fails, it affects my home. If this does well, it affects this over here. It’s all the same. I would find it impossible to segregate it.” So, yeah, Collins admits that the restaurant industry is not for the weak. For him, though, it is definitely worth it. “There’s lots of risk involved, but that’s what makes it fun,” he said of owning a restaurant. “That’s part of what makes us get up in the morning.” Pickles Cafe and Grill is located at 407 Fury’s Ferry Road in Martinez and is open 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Monday-Thursday and 11 a.m.10 p.m. Friday and Saturday. Call 706-2881200 or visit picklescafeandgrill.com.

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 33

Let US cater for you gourmet Proudly serving Augusta for over 15 years Nominated Metro’s Best caterers!

WE HAVE AN APP FOR THAT!

Gourmet Relay is a weekly column in which local cooks share a recipe with Metro Spirit readers, then pass the tongs off to another cook of their choosing, who will be featured the following week. Linda Miller

706.724.2218 - ON PREMISE CATERING AT THE MARBURY CENTER

ROUXSCATERING.COM Take a Moment for Yourself

A massage boutique for women only. Buy One, Get One FREE

*new clients only | expires 7.7.11

Linda Miller and her husband of 22 years, Marc, moved away from Augusta during their first year of marriage but returned 11 years ago and have no plans to leave again. The mother of Alec, a college sophomore at ASU, and Nancy, a rising second grader, Linda is a chef by training and education. “I love the whole process of bringing together a meal!” she says.

Linda is currently employed as an office manager for a local architectural firm and a member of Trinity on the Hill United Methodist Church, where she is involved in many church activities. Her hobbies include getting fit by working out with free weights, walking and running, sewing, golf and loving her family.

S’more Bars Linda says she loves this recipe, but adds that the bars are rich. She recommends cutting them in half. They are perfect to take for a dinner where children are included on the guest list or for a tailgate party.

All Georgia Licensed Massage Therapists

w o m e n’s m a s s a g e c e n t e r 7013 Evans Town Center Blvd., Suite 104, Evans www.womensmassagecenter.com

706.364.7347 34 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

3/4 cup butter or margarine, softened 2/3 cup sugar 1 egg 1 tsp. vanilla extract 3 cups graham cracker crumbs 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 1/2 tsp. salt 8 oz. milk chocolate (either bars or chips) 3 1/2 cups miniature marshmallows Heat oven to 350 F. Grease a 13x9x2-inch baking pan. In a large bowl, beat butter. Add sugar; beat on medium speed of electric mixer until light and fluffy. Blend in egg and vanilla. Stir in graham cracker crumbs, flour and salt. Set aside 2 1/2 cup cups graham cracker crumb mixture. Press remaining mixture into bottom of prepared pan. Place chocolate over the mixture. Sprinkle marshmallows evenly on top of chocolate. Crumble reserved graham cracker crumb mixture on top of marshmallows. Bake 30 minutes. Cool 10 minutes in pan on wire rack. Cut into bars; cool completely. V. 22 | NO. 46

T MOBILE

By David Levinson Wilk / Edited By Will Shortz

35 METRO SPIRIT 6.30.11

70 74

97 101

98 102

103

104

105

106

107

108

109

110

111

W A S P S

A S H E N

I S U Z U

M U S E S

O S I R I S

S H T E T L

N A V A R O N E

P R E S A G E S

F E M O R A L

L S E T T U P F R F F E A S P T E R D O W B O C O M A T E D O N R E W E O I S O N T E E R B W T S W

C A S E D

A S H E

A T O Z

L O N G S

O G R E

F O L E Y

T E L L

S L Y L Y

C A R E

A C I D

C E R A P R O N G

N O P E F A U R K O E S T R B U A T A V E D D E E N R Y N I E

100

84 89

68 72

43 50

48 51

A W A R D

M A M A S

U S A I R

T H U D

I T E M A M O R E

E A R N

E M B E D

M E L S

O S L O

N O A H

B R I O

G O A E R R N C O R E C O S E W S T A O U N T D A A N T S E W E A M E R C E E H A N G E S I S A C A N G A U T A G S R Y S I T I S H E M

M A N D A L A Y

F R E E R E I N

M A R S D E N

R I S I N G

S C O N C E

A W G E E

A N G L E

M A H E R

A N T S Y

answers

DOWN 1 Former German chancellor Adenauer 2 Imagine

3One hit by a tuba 4Singer Grant and others 5Prefix with -lithic 6Stuffs oneself with 7Shot, e.g. 8Question that may be answered “And how!” 9 Garfield’s owner 10F or the most part 11 Country star ___ Lynne 12 “Così fan ___” 13 Agcy. with a list of prohibited items 14 Tree whose two-word name, when switched around, identifies its product 15 A Fonda 16 Plane over Yemen, maybe 17 College town just off Interstate 95 18 Thief, in Yiddish 19 Wolf (down) 24 When doubled, a number puzzle 29 Credit 32 “Totem and Taboo” writer 33 With 98-Across, showy play 34 Story teller 35 Judo-like exercises 37 French beings 38 Offspring 41 Town on the Hudson R. 42 Filmmaker Allen 43 Pipe shape 44 Apollo target 45 Bygone hand weapon 46 Catch 47 Crib items 49 Lugs 51 Like a corkscrew 52 What Cher Bono, e.g., goes by 53 Ceases 55 Soap units 56 River to the North Sea 58 Artist Francisco 59 Director of the major film debuts of James Dean and Warren Beatty 62 Not live 63 Home to Sun Devil Stadium 64 Tickled 67 Old Fords 68 Like Mussolini 69 Ranks 70 Didn’t miss 72 Game whose name is derived from Swahili 73 Sean Connery and others 74 Turn brown, maybe 77 Jazz singer Anderson 78 Busy 80 Doesn’t miss 81 Most murky 82 It’s worst when it’s high 83 High and softly resonant 85 Alex of “Webster” 87 Sweet-talks 88 Southwest Africa’s ___ Desert 89 Commercial name suffix 90 Handles 91 Lifts 92 “___ could have told you that!” 93 Seven: Prefix 94 Speck 98 Assns. 99 Alphabet string 101 Retired flier 103 It landed in the Pacific Ocean on 3/23/01 104 Yucatán year 105 Drink with a head

previous week’s

ACROSS 1 1988 Grammy winner for “Crying” 7 Tweak 13 Bosses 20 Cry from a balcony 21 ___ pork 22 Many a Nevada resident 23 Dance seen in a Lincoln Center performance of “Don Giovanni”? 25 Penn State campus site 26 Also-___ (losers) 27 Prefix with caching 28 Baja’s opposite 30 Author 31 “Hang on ___!” 32 Locale for a cattail 33 “None of the leading sales people came in today”? 36 Grandparents, typically 38 With a wink, say 39 Berkeley campus nickname 40 Celebration after a 1964 heavyweight championship? 42 “You don’t need to remind me” 48 Not so big 49 Tampa paper, briefly, with “the” 50 Blackmore heroine 51 Washed (down) 54 Female co-star in “Love Crazy,” 1941 55 Stirrup? 57 Tolkien creatures 58 41-Down was named after one: Abbr. 59 Scarlett O’Hara’s real first name 60 Voiced 61 Summer sign 62 Little dipper? 63 Claimed 64 Chop 65 The Mavericks, on scoreboards 66 Up for grabs, as convention delegates 68 Shriners’ headwear: Var. 69 Gob 70 Ending with soft or spy 71 Decide to sleep in the nude? 73 Drink with one’s pinkie up, say 74 Some cats blow on them 75 Sodium ___ 76 “Around the Horn” cable channel 77 Summer treats 79 1983 #1 hit with the lyric “Put on your red shoes” 81 What whitewashers apply? 84 ___ Friday’s 85Interlocks 86 ___ acid 88 Response to the query “Does Ms. Garbo fist-bump?”? 94 Summer mo. 95 “Rock ’n’ Roll Is King” band, 1983 96 Make it 97 Actress Polo 98 See 33-Down 99 Polynesian potable 100 They’re often said to be fair 102 Love before war? 106 Looms 107 Shocking, in a way 108 Leonard of literature 109 Sting, e.g. 110 Team that once played at Enron Field 111 Bob Evans rival

free will

3112 Washington Road (behind Picadilly)

Rob Brezsny

a s t r o l o g y freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com CANCER (June 21-July 22)

A new primary color has been detected that has its own distinct hue impossible to describe. It’s called “squant.” You have the power to tinker with and even transform fundamental laws of your universe. Maybe you’re on the verge of a shift almost as revolutionary as the discovery of squant. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

Are you feeling the sting of disappointment, suffering the ache that comes from having your pet theories disproved? Maybe you are simply getting an opportunity to correct a misunderstanding — that life isn’t being mean to you and you’re not being punished. You are, in fact, in the first phase of your healing. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“The more one dwells on oneself,” says psychoanalyst Adam Phillips in his book “Going Sane,” “the more one is likely to suffer.” For maximum success and robust mental health, take a generous portion of your attention off yourself and focus it on living your life with compassion, curiosity and concern for others. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“One must choose in life between boredom and suffering,” proclaimed author Madame de Staël. I expect you will consistently steer a middle course, being able to enjoy some painfree excursions into high adventure, a fascinating riddle that taxes your imagination in rather pleasurable ways.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If there were a useful website with the domain name amiagoodpersonornot.com, I would advise you to go check it out. This would be an excellent time for you to find out more about yourself from objective sources — or any other kind of sources. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Ninety-six percent of adults say they would change something about their appearance if they could. Learn to be at more peace with how you look. Formulate a three-point plan that will help you come to a perspective in which you will love your body exactly the way it is. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

On her website reuniting.info, Marnia Robinson reported encountering an animal trainer who had an alligator resting serenely on his lap. “I pet it daily,” he said. “If I didn’t, it would quickly be wild again, and wouldn’t allow this.” Bestow regular tenderness and loving touch to the feral, untamed, primitive influences in your life — including any that may reside within you.

A Neig hborh ood Ba r

$1 $2 $3

DRAFTS JELLO SHOTS

JAGER BOMBS

L THE ALL THEAL IMEE TTIM !! 6 DAYS

(guess which

ones)

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

It’s my observation that women find it easier than men to tune into their natural rhythms. Having acknowledged that, I know men who are highly sensitive, and women who aren’t. It’s crucial for you to be acutely aware of what’s going on inside your beloved flesh-and-blood vehicle. This is one time when you need to be intimately aligned with its needs. TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I accompanied a friend and his family to a small fairgound. We came to a challenging activity that involved climbing a ladder made out of rubber and coated with some slippery substance. One girl was having a moment of rowdy bliss as she tried to ascend. “It’s impossible — but fun!” she cried. Find an adventure like that.

One of the greatest kings of the ancient Persian Sassanid Empire was Shapur II, who was made king while still in his mother’s womb. I’m naming him your patron saint for the second half of 2011. The seed of some great accomplishment is already germinating within you. It may take a while to be fully born, but I suggest we consecrate its bright future now. GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“It is not always needful for truth to take a definite shape,” wrote Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. “It is enough if it hovers about us like a spirit and produces harmony.” A new truth is floating into your world. It will be sharply tonic, like good, strong medicine that has a pungent yet oddly delicious flavor you’ve never tasted before.

36 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

I’ve got no problem with the real world, but I also consider myself a militant lobbyist for all the Other Worlds. These alternate realities consist of the unconscious, the dreamtime, the spiritual sphere, the intelligence of nature and the realm of the ancestors. You’re due for a major upgrade in your relationship with these dimensions. V. 22 | NO. 46

Bistro 491

Now featuring a Summer Light Menu, a choice from three of a salad and entree combo, alomg with a glass of house wine, for $25. Can’t beat it. Bistro 491 fancy food with a sense of humor Calvert’s Restaurant old school Continental

Club Argos

LGBT-friendly spot where Thursday is Urban Night, aswell as the night for Sasha’s Show.

Club Argos LGBT Crums on Central live jazz on weekends French Market Grille New Orleans in the Garden City

Vue

Dance club and lounge known for their music mix and videos.

Helga’s med student heaven Polka Dot Pig unique atmosphere & unique bar Sheehan’s Irish Pub the nicest pub ever Surrey Tavern the original neighborhood bar Tako Sushi Asian / Mexican fusion The Vue upscale dance club w/ occasional bands

Sidetrack Bar & Grill

Pizza Joint

Verandah Grill at the Partridge Inn Augusta’s best balcony

Have a burger and a beer by the tracks.

Try the Big Mike,The best vegetarian sandwich on earth.

Laura’s Backyard Tavern Laura’s house Pizza Joint Beer Me Tuesday Rhinehart’s backyard seafood The Tavern at the Bean discreet, top shelf Sidetrack Bar & Grill by the railroad tracks

THE HILL

V. 22 | NO. 46

EVANEZ

WEST AUGUSTA

SOUTH AUGUSTA

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 37

38 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Manuel’s Bread Cafe - locally sourced bistro The Highlander - real Bristish pub

Manuel’s Bread Café

Saturday the chef makes his own bread, harvests eggs, produce and herbs from a neighboring farm.

Augusta Canal - music on the water

Sky City

Sweet Lou’s Crab Shack - Broad & 13th

Thursday Dead Confederate Featuring a solo set by Hardy Morris.

Frog Hollow Tavern - upscale restaurant & bar / locally sourced

13T H

Tropicabana - salsa. no chips. Pizza Joint - 40 beers on tap and slices Mellow Mushroom - plus full bar Sky City - large music venue Firehouse - proud downtown dive

1102 - block deep restaurant & bar

Metro Coffee House - coffee, beer, liquor, people

Soultry Sounds - jazz club Wicked Wasabi - authentic Japanese Soy Noodle - Asian sensation New Moon Cafe - ecclectic grindhouse

08 09 10 11

12 14 13

03 Metro A Coffeehouse

Firehouse

Thursday Dash Rip Rock

Where everybody knows your name… and your tattoos.

Bees Knees - small plates Rooster’s Beak - tacqueria w/ great ice cream Soul Bar - pure funk Playground - rock-n-roll Nacho Mama’s - rolling ‘em flat Stillwater Taproom - blugrass before bluegrass was cool Casa Blanca - JB White’s storefront Wheels - cool & on the corner The Loft - liquor with attitude

12T H ST

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

The Bee’s Knees

Sunday Half off bottles of wine and $5 sangrias, martinis, Mojitos and Pimm’s Cups.

Bar on Broad - contemporary South Beach vibe Club Rehab - upscale sportsbar Joe’s Underground - live music underneath Broad St. Tipsy McStumbles - confess later Sector 7G - laundromat turned landmark

V. 22 | NO. 46

Beamie’s

What to order? Anything that comes with hushpuppies.

1102 Bar & Grille

Like a mullet, it;s business in the front and a party in the back.

Bar on Broad

Cool,South Beach-influenced bar.

OLD

S S35 T

Eagle’s Nest

37 39 38

16 24 25 19 20 26 17 21 22 27 23 18

28 BR

OAD

209 Restaurant & Lounge

This is the view. if the eagles nest had been around in the 50s.

Killer soul food.

01 02 03

Eagle’s Nest - best view downtown Blue Horse Bistro - jazz tapas The Sports Center - old school pool hall and burgers Luigi’s - Augusta institution Beamie’s Restuarant & Oyster Bar - taste of the beach downtown The Boll Weevil - great food and the best desserts Cotton Patch - eat, drink, be happy Mi Rancho - chips & salsa on the Savannah 209 Restaurant & Lounge - soul food & lounge La Maison on Telfair - fine dining & tapas Fox’s Lair - coolest bar in America

The Joker Lounge girls dancing nightly Fantasy Showgirls girls dancing nightly Discoteque girls dancing nightly

30 ST

01 32

33 34 02

LOOKING FOR

SOMETHING

TO DO?

Blue Horse Bistro

Across from Hildebrandt’s, which is across from Blue Horse Bistro.

La Maison on Telfair

Fine dining don’t get no finer.

V. 22 | NO. 46

HW Y

5TH

31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 39

Cadwallader’s Cafe

Allie Katz

Skip the entrees and just have two of Colden Waller’s crab cakes with mango salsa and chipotle orange remoulade. They’re that good.

Bar stools aplenty.

Allie Katz good cheap drinks Cadillacs cozy neighborhood spot

Doubletree Hotel

Friday Enjoy fantastic seafood on the buffet while listening to jazz from 3 sides of jazz.

Cadwallader’s Cafe Italian flair Carolina Ale House sports themed restuarant / feat. outdoor covered bar Country Club dance hall and saloon Cue & Brew great burgers

Cue & Brew Pub

Doubletree Hotel popular restuarant

The name says it all.

French Market Grille West NOLA in the Garden City

Rhineheart’s

Known for their seafood, this oyster bar also serves one of the best burgers in town.

Hooters hooters Limelite Cafe extensive beer selection Malibu Jacks beach themed restaurant & bar Rack & Grill true pool hall Rae’s Coastal Cafe worth finding

Shannon’s

Saturday Playback the Band Get in the groove with this local favorite.

Rhinehart’s backyard seafood

Somewhere In Augusta

Robbie’s Sports Bar true pool hall

Wednesday The Comedy Zone with Phil Hogan and Chris Gay.

Shannon’s old lounge / new look Somewhere In Augusta sports bar & grill TakoSushi Asian / Mexican Fusion Wild Wings Cafe live music 7 nights a week

Roadrunner Cafe

Coyote’s great live music & DJs

Don’t know where to find the home of the Big Bacon Burger? Just Remember: The Roadrunner is always in front of the coyote.

Road Runner Cafe in front of Coyote’s Villa Europa German / Italian /International favorites since 1974

THE HILL

40 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

EVANEZ

WEST AUGUSTA

SOUTH AUGUSTA

V. 22 | NO. 46

Thursday, July 7 Live Music Coyote’s Amy Taylor French Market Grille West Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground Mason Jars Metro A Coffeehouse Dash Rip Rock One Hundred Laurens Kenny George Rose Hill Stables Preston & Weston Sky City Dead Confederate, Hardy Morris Solo Set Surrey Tavern Funk You Wild Wing The Fustics The Willcox Four Cats in the Doghouse

with DJ Spud Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke Palmetto Tavern DJ Tim The Place on Broad Rock DJ Rebeck’s Hideaway Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe Karaoke with Steve Chappel Soul Bar ’80s Night Tropicabana Latin Friday Wooden Barrel Karaoke Contest

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s Karaoke Casa Blanca Thursday Tango Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Candy Stripers Cabaret Cocktails Lounge Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Fox’s Lair Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) Karaoke Pizza Joint, Evans DJ Kris Fisher The Playground Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s Karaoke Somewhere in Augusta Karaoke with Charles Soul Bar Boom Box Villa Europa Karaoke with Just Ben Wooden Barrel ‘80s Night Karaoke

Friday, July 8 Live Music Cotton Patch Forrest and Lori Lee Country Club John Karl Coyote’s Joe Olds Doubletree Hotel 3 Sides of Jazz French Market Grille West Doc Easton Joe’s Underground Smoke Damaged Laura’s Backyard Tavern Live Music One Hundred Laurens John Kolbeck Polo Tavern Robbie Ducey Band Shannon’s Preston & Weston Sky City Matthew Acosta and the Special Guest Band Stillwater Tap Room Papa String Band Surrey Tavern Tony Williams and the Blues Express Wild Wing Michael Patterson Band The Willcox Kenny George

Saturday, July 9 Live Music The Acoustic Coffeehouse Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Blue Horse Bistro Live Music The Cotton Patch Riley Williams Country Club Holman Autry Band Coyote’s Russell Barron Fox’s Lair Chuck Holt Joe’s Underground Tommy OD & the Survivors P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Polo Tavern Jim Fisher Band Shannon’s Playback the Band Sky City G-City Rockers, The Radar Cinema, Madigan Surrey Tavern Tony Williams and the Blues Express Wild Wing Mad Margritt

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Cocktails Lounge Latin Night Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille Trivia Islands Bar & Lounge Reggae Night with Island Vybez The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s Karaoke One Hundred Laurens DJ Kenny Ray The Playground DJ Fugi Tropicabana Salsa Saturday Wooden Barrel Kamikaze Karaoke

What’s Tonight? Cadillac’s DJ Doug Club Argos Variety Show Club Rehab DJ C4 Cocktails Lounge Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub Karaoke with Libby D. and Palmetto Entertainment Fishbowl Lounge Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill Karaoke Islands Bar & Lounge Caribbean Night V. 22 | NO. 46

Sunday, July 10 Live Music Crums on Central Jim Perkins Jessye Norman Amphitheatre Candlelight Jazz w/ Jerusalem Sounds P.I. Bar and Grill Live Music Wild Wing Jason Marcum

What’s Tonight?

Caribbean Soul Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Peggy Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Monday, July 11 Live Music Hopelands Gardens Parris Island Marine Corps Band Soul Bar Metal Monday

What’s Tonight? Applebee’s (Evans) Trivia Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Malibu Jack’s Team Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke with Danny Haywood Somewhere In Augusta Poker Tournament Wild Wing Trivia and ’80s Karaoke

Tuesday, July 12 Live Music Blue Horse Bistro Tim Sanders Cocktails Lounge Live Music Fox’s Lair John Fisher Wild Wing Tim White The Willcox Hal Shreck

What’s Tonight? Club Argos Karaoke Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Karaoke with Big Tony Fishbowl Lounge Dart League Islands Bar & Lounge DJ Fred Nice Malibu Jack’s Karaoke with Denny Somewhere in Augusta Trivia with Charles

Wednesday, July 13 Live Music 209 on the River Smooth Grooves Cadillac’s Live Band Joe’s Underground Sibling String Manuel’s Bread Cafe Morris Davidson Band Shannon’s Bill Tolbert and the New BTUs Wild Wing The Endalls The Willcox Hal Shreck

What’s Tonight? Club Argos Santoni’s Satin Dolls Club Rehab Jenn’s Crazy Karaoke Club Sparx Trivia Cocktails Lounge Augusta’s Got Talent The Cotton Patch Trivia and Tunes with Cliff Bennett Laura’s Backyard Tavern Karaoke The Loft Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) Karaoke

with Rockin’ Rob The Place on Broad Jazz DJ The Playground Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern Karaoke with Tom Mitchell Somewhere In Augusta Trivia with Charles; The Comedy Zone w/ Phil Hogan and Chris Gay

Upcoming Bradley Gaskin Country Club July 15 Blair Crimmons and the Hookers Stillwater Tap Room July 15 Turf War, Shaun Piazza Band, Eat Lightning Sky City July 16 Panic Manor, Mazes & Monsters, Death of Paris Sky City July 21 Dave Desmelik Band Stillwater Tap Room July 22 Jemani, Velvet Jonez Sky City July 22 Gaslight Street Surrey Tavern July 23 Modern Skirts, Oryx & Crake Sky City July 28 Merle Haggard Bell Auditorium August 6 Keith Urban James Brown Arena August 13 Casting Crowns USC-Aiken Convocation Center November 25

Elsewhere Dead Confederate, The EARL, Atlanta July 8 Taylor Swift Time Warner Cable Arena, Charlotte, N.C. July 8 The Indigo Girls Atlanta Botanical Gardens July 9 Rihanna Chastain Park Amphitheatre, Atlanta July 12 Motley Crue, Poison, the NY Dolls Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Charlotte, N.C. July 12 Corey Smith Johnny Mercer Theatre, Savannah July 14 OAR Family Circle Magazine Stadium, Charleston, S.C. July 16 Elvis Costello North Charleston Performing Arts Center, Charleston, S.C. July 18 Wiz Khalifa Time Warner Cable Uptown Amphitheatre, Charlotte, N.C. July 21 Emmylou Harris Atlanta Botanical Gardens July 22 Bob Dylan, Chastain Park Amphitheatre, Atlanta July 28 Lucinda Williams, Fort Stewart Stadium, Hinesville July 30 311 Aaron’s Amphitheatre at Lakewood, Atlanta July 30

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 41

the download Matt Stone

Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 3-7 p.m. on 95 Rock Raw.

Even Bad Movies Sound Good on How Did This Get Made?

LIVE & LOCAL

and ne ver a c over! the line-up. 7.7 Thursday The Fustics 7.8 Friday Night Rocks Michael Patterson Band 7.9 Saturday Mad Margritt 7.10 Sunday Blue Jeans Brunch 11am-3pm Jason Marcum Acoustic Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m 42 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

I have asked myself this question a thousand times while watching a movie, “How did this get made?!? What idiot in Hollywood green lighted the production of this crap? Why am I still watching this? Why am I watching it again?!?” Well now you can relish in the hatred of horrible movies with the podcast How Did This Get Made? Led by the comedic styles of Paul Sheer, Jason Mantzoukas and June Diane Raphael, the trio dissects the worst in movies. Most of the movies are even guilty pleasures that you can‘t help but watch. From “Battlefield Earth” to “All About Steve” to “Fast Five,” they talk about the disasters of Hollywood at its best. The hosts of the podcast may not ring a bell. Paul Sheer is best known for his hilarious MTV sketch show, “Human Giant,” and a couple of other big films. Mantzoukas and Raphael are very successful working comedians as well. Mantzoukas is one of the stars of the FX series “The League,” and Raphael is a writer, actress and comedian. Put these three together, along with a celebrity guest, and you have got a great podcast. Some of the latest guests have been Matt Walsh of UCB fame, co-creater of “Human Giant” Rob Huebel and, from “Parks and Recreation,” Adam Scott.

Not only is the podcast hilarious, it lures you in to watching these movies. Would I ever watch “Crank 2”? No, but now I have to watch it because of how bad it sounds. The worst is the dialogue in these movies. During the podcast, they will play clips of the movie that will make your skin crawl. My question: How could the actors have read this script before production and thought, “Yep, this is a good career move.” A good example: “The Love Guru”. This movie, simply put, is bad. I mean, bad! And I’ve never seen it. But unfortunately for me, I will be renting it this weekend. A really cool part about How Did This Get Made? is how Sheer does a three-minute episode in between each normal podcast to give the listeners an assignment. He tells you what movie they are going to watch next so you can join in. You can go to the website and comment about the movie. If it’s a good enough comment, you’ll make it onto the next show. Very interactive, makes you feel a part of the show. For your dose of How Did This Get Made?, start from the beginning. My favorite so far was the episode on “The Love Guru” — too funny. Bad movies have never sounded so good.

V. 22 | NO. 46

Pandora’s Box

Beware experimenting with the internet radio station’s Music Genome Project

You’d think writing an article about Pandora would be easy: make the stations, list the songs, collect $20 as you pass Go. Thing is, I just graduated with an MFA, so now I feel all kinds of pressure to put a narrative to everything I write. Just the other day I emailed a recipe for pesto pizza to a friend of mine, and it turned into a book-length epic poem about string theory and lotion. On a semi-related note, I misinterpret Scientific American more egregiously than Westboro Baptist Church does “Boys Don’t Cry.” My initial plan was to make a few stations based on artists whose very existence is loathsome, and see if Pandora, left unassisted, could find its footing. What I found, however, is that Pandora has taken this whole “genome” thing pretty seriously and, as a result, tends to act out of self-preservation. For instance, I wanted to start a station based on Willow Smith, whose video “Whip My Hair” has preemptively destroyed music for the next 10 years. If you went back to 1966 and played “Whip My Hair” for Van Morrison, all

of his albums since would have been “Tim Allen’s Greatest Animal Farts with Glockenspiel.” Pandora knew this and shut itself off, but not before turning the sky red and making bare every womb within a five-block radius. So I scaled back my tactics, simply picking three relatively well-known bands, turning Pandora loose for 10 straight songs (again, unassisted), and seeing how well it mapped the artists’ respective genomes. My fondness for each band — understatement alert! — varies, but I’ve tried, and probably failed, to be as objective as possible. Station 1: Talking Heads I love Talking Heads, and it’s a tragedy that the average person only knows two of their songs: “Burning Down the House” and “Once in a Lifetime.” If you’ve seen “Clerks 2,” you know a third (“Nothing But Flowers”), but that doesn’t make up for the fact that you’ve seen “Clerks 2.” Generally, this one worked out pretty well: Queen, David Bowie, The Police. But it also taunted the murderous, reptilian part of my brain with Gary Numan’s “Cars”

56 taps in Evans + liquor 706.447.4992

30 taps in aiken + liquor 803.648.9074

30 taps downtown 706.774.0037

24 taps in columbia + liquor 803.454.1743

Open Late Every Tuesday V. 22 | NO. 46 43

and had the gall to go from The Rolling Stones to The Cure to Queen and think I wouldn’t notice. One of these things is abso-freaking-lutely not like the others, and if you don’t know which one I’m talking about, then “Whip My Hair” is your un-ironic ringtone. Station 2: Torche If you don’t know who Torche are, go buy all their albums immediately. I’ll wait. Done? Good, now come sit at the cool table. Torche’s music is a glorious mash-up of stoner metal, sludge, pop and three-part harmonies. Pandora loves this band, and they got it so right: Baroness, Electric Wizard, Queens of the Stone Age… even Dinosaur Jr., for our smellier readers. Plus, I got turned on to a band I’d never heard of in Bardo Pond, whose lady-fronted fuzz-rock got me so hot and bothered, I created a station based on them. It was awesome, too. Station 3: Kings of Leon Here’s where the trickier part of the experiment comes in. I hate this band. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Their ubiquitous presence and emasculated take on Southern rock makes me want to punch all the feathered hair and collard greens in Athens. The goal here, then, was to see if KOL’s musical gene

pool was deeper than the back of your average pill bottle cap. Spoiler: it’s not. Pandora, to its credit, tried to make this palatable; The Raconteurs and Mumford & Sons made appearances, but, for the most part, I just got more radio-pandering “rock:” Muse, The Strokes, The Killers, etc. Plus, some band called The Weeks has a member who plays the “vibroslap.” If we could convert all the potential sexual humor encased in that word into grain, Earth’s population could live on pancakes for centuries to come. Don’t expect many surprises from Pandora. Sure, sometimes you’ll get an existential jolt — like “Cars” on the Talking Heads station which, if I can make a human genome comparison, is like finding out your grandfather is your niece — but things proceed generally as expected. Those of you whose senses of humor tend toward the macabre, however, should tread lightly. You may think making a Miley Cyrus or Big & Rich station is all tongue-in-cheek fun, but beware… you could inadvertently summon Chthulu or Kings of Leon. And no one wants that.

$1.95 Draft $1.95 Specialty Slices

5PM to Close

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 43

44 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

V. 22 | NO. 46

Ball

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-TalkSports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com.

advice goddess Amy Alkon

Matt Lane

What Does the Future Hold?

Creature From the Slack Lagoon

With last year’s results, off-season news and the rumor mill providing what we have to work with here, as teams are currently in their summer lifting and conditioning programs, we catch a glimpse of two athletic programs that have been pretty much polar opposites over the past year, The Georgia Bulldogs and the South Carolina Gamecocks. To be fair, let’s take a look at some of the good and bad news for each.

I’ve been engaged to a man for seven years, but we haven’t been able to afford to get married. I attend college part-time while raising my daughter and working. He treats me well and works hard, but he’s unmotivated and undereducated. He doesn’t even have a high school diploma and can only get low-paying work with bad hours. Three months ago, he was fired from a nursing home for stealing drinks from the soda machine, and he hasn’t looked for a job since. He said he couldn’t when we had a rainy period; now he says it’s too hot. When I suggested he get up early to beat the heat, he got angry. Our relationship has never been about money, but I’m not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel. Why do I stay? Because I love him, and I’m scared I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own as a single mother. — Trapped

South Carolina Good: Coming off their most promising season since anyone can remember, the Gamecocks have elite talent all over the place headlined by wide receiver Alshon Jeffery and running back Marcus Lattimore. USC also received the best draw when it comes to their schedule: No Alabama or LSU, and Florida comes to Columbia. We also should not fail to mention the No. 1 high school prospect in the nation, defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, who’ll join an already solid defensive squad led by cornerback Stephon Gilmore. Bad: When Stephen Garcia finally leaves Columbia — regardless of how this season goes — we’ll be able to hear Gamecock Nation in its entirety exhale a sigh of relief. The indignation from his erratic play is surpassed only by his mind-numbing actions off the field (he’s been suspended five times while at Carolina, cementing his legacy as a Jeopardy category if they need something to replace “Animal Sounds” or “Foods that start with the letter Q”). His last stunt provides a story for the ages about the time he attended a leadership seminar drunk and rowdy. What’s really sad is when he is truly on his A game, yet you watch every offensive possession waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Georgia Good: As sad and unfounded as this might sound, Mark Richt’s back is against the wall. The fan base has spoken. No more talk of 10-plus win seasons to pad how incredibly boring it’s been to watch this team — win or lose — over the past few years. Stay with me, this is still a positive. In a state that’s as red as the clay that sits underneath our feet, the state’s flagship team needs to let some of the local Athens flavor translate a little blue on the palette. They return the most complete quarterback in the SEC with Aaron Murray, along with breakout star tight end Orson Charles and stellar return men Branden Smith and Brandon Boykin. Bad: A full calendar year removed from Damon Evans’ forced resignation has given us a peek into just how hard leading a division 1 football program really is. Multiple arrests and secondary infractions — mostly for college athletes doing things that college students do regularly that we never hear about — have surrounded the football program V. 22 | NO. 46

over the last year. The Dogs also have plentiful question marks for multiple positions (wide receiver, running back, offensive line, etc.) that won’t be answered until we take a look at them against Boise State on Sept. 3 in the Georgia Dome.

A boyfriend who actually “works hard” would be working hard to stop sponging off you — maybe getting his GED so he could get more than a dead-end, minimum-wage job. That’s kinda tough to do when the answers to “Where’d you go to school and what did you study?” are “Meadowood Elementary” and “Babar the Elephant.” Still, school isn’t everything. A woman I know, Tig Notaro, flunked eighth grade twice, got moved up to ninth grade and flunked that, too. When her classmates started to be kids she’d babysat for, she dropped out. Like your boyfriend, she could’ve resigned herself to employment in the paper hat/fry vat sector, but she worked briefly promoting bands, then gave her all to doing stand-up. She went on to have her own Comedy Central special, be a featured character

(“Officer Tig”) on “The Sarah Silverman Program,” and tour internationally as a headlining comedian. She eventually got her GED, “just to get it,” but found it most useful as cat food (she reports that her cat ate the left side of it the day she brought it home). So, the problem isn’t that school isn’t your guy’s thing, but that motivation isn’t. You, on the other hand, are attending college and working and caring for two children — the little girl you gave birth to and the grown man perfecting his napping skills on your couch. You say your relationship has never been about money. Actually, it’s very much about money, on account of how little of it he’s been bringing home. And then, when it’s job-hunting time, he bleats, “It’s too hot, it’s too cold, it’s too wet.” Excuse me, but is he a man or Goldilocks? It’s nice to see the good in people. It’s nicer for you if the good you see is actually there. Otherwise, you just delay admitting the obvious: There isn’t much light at the end of the tunnel. Additionally, you’re paying the rent on the tunnel. You say you fear being on your own as a single mother, but you’re already on your own. Without your boyfriend, you’d be a single mother with one less mouth to feed. You can have a very different kind of guy in your life — one who makes you better and happier because you’re with him. If you suspect you aren’t worthy, try something: Act like you’re worthy. Like you deserve a man who brings something to the relationship (and not just a couple Mello Yellos he swiped from the soda machine at the old folks home).

©2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email adviceamy@aol.com. Also visit advicegoddess.com and read Amy Alkon’s book: “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).

METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11 45

austin R

You Know She Deserves It! Random thoughts from all over during a busy Augusta summer, and we start off with the current “trial of the century”: I don’t know if Casey Anthony did it or not and, aside from sympathy for her late daughter, I don’t really care. But I will say this: Any parent who has a small child go missing from the home and does not contact the police immediately deserves the death penalty. Bring her to me, and no, I won’t need to do the deed myself. I will just turn her over to five random Southern moms off the street, and in 30 seconds she will be dusting Satan’s doorpost. What utter and complete trash; good riddance to bad garbage! Keith Olbermann apparently put the Knob Hill Homeowners Association on his “Worst People in the World” list. Somehow, the aforementioned Casey Anthony, Momar Qadafi, Jared Lee Loughner and genital herpes have not made Olbermann’s list, but Knob Hill,

46 METRO SPIRIT 7.7.11

Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh have. Lucky bastards. While I am loving the large crowds showing up to support the many great events Global Spectrum has booked into the James Brown Arena, how about getting some noteworthy older acts into the Bell Auditorium? Olivia Newton John, Art Garfunkel and America sold the place out (with some help from the symphony), and I just saw a packed Chastain Park host my old buddies The Monkees. Wish I could have seen them here. C’mon guys... I am old... I love my music... and I have money to spend! When I was a teenager, I used to fantasize how cool it would be to be a pool boy for a bunch of good looking, sophisticated women. Now at 46, I am the pool boy. Oddly, all the beautiful women around my pool (my beautiful wife and her beautiful friends) want me to do is clean the pool, kill a few wasps, cut the

The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. grass, serve them drinks and leave. I don’t think they understood the fantasy. Or maybe they do. No idea how the “development plans” for the proposed downtown Augusta stadium are going, but I will go out on a limb and say right now that if the Ripkin Group comes back with anything other than a plan that has them footing 80 percent of the cost or more, the proposal will be as dead as Ty Cobb. Speaking of the stadium, the people who keep pushing the Regency Mall site as a possible alternative for the stadium project are delusional if they think such a thing would “bring back” that neighborhood. The area around Regency Mall was an armpit before, during and after the mall’s glory days. In my opinion, the site is only desirable as a light industrial complex, and that is all it will ever be. Given the political realities of the day, I won’t say that six votes will be impossible to come by if the commission ever gets a chance to vote for such a thing. But if they do, they need to rename the GreenJackets the Zombies, because the entity will be Augusta’s own walking dead. TBonz died on Gordon Highway,

yet Harvest Table and King Buffet thrive. There ‘ya go. It didn’t take long for the Army Corps of Engineers to screw up the levels at Lake Thurmond once Commanding Colonel Ed Kertis was transferred out in May of 2010. Col. Kertis single handedly reversed the caveman thought process that was in place to manage the lake release schedule, and, in a matter of months, had the lake at near full pool for the first time in many years. Beyond that, it was clear his “heavy rain plug the drain” philosophy was exactly what was needed, and not the slug slow movement by committee process that the Corps had in place for decades. Apparently, Kertis was able to work wonders with his approach, but could never convince his superiors to change the fatally flawed rule book so that common sense would prevail whenever the clouds opened up. Some of you local lefties who know President Obama, do us all a favor and have him appoint Kertis the national Reservoir Czar. He needs to do something right for a change; here is his big chance!

V. 22 | NO. 46

Ad Name: NL - Nattonic Item #: PNL20109830

Closing Date: 5.1.11 QC: RR

Trim: 9.875 x 12.625 Bleed: 10.375 x 13.125