Metro Spirit 02.02.2012 by Metro Spirit

TABLE of CONTENTS

insider 04 - AUGUSTA TEK 06 - AUSTIN RHODES 08 metro 09 - RUFFIN’ IT 11 - NY TIMES CROSSWORD 12 - FEATURE 16 are you not entertained 21 - CALENDAR 22 metro augusta parent 23 slab 29 - SIGHTINGS 32 - IN MUSIC 34 - FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 34 the8 35 - CUISINE SCENE 37 - BALL 39 whine line 40 - TOM TOMORROW 40 - JENNY IS WRIGHT 42

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COVER DESIGN | GABRIELVEGA Metro Spirit is a free newspaper published weekly on Thursday, 52 weeks a year. Editorial coverage includes local issues and news, arts, entertainment, people, places and events. In our paper appear views from across the political and social spectrum. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

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1355 Independence Drive • Augusta, Georgia 30901 (706) 823-8504 • Toll Free 1-866-4-WALTON • www.wrh.org

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

INSIDER

Insider is an anonymous, opinion-based examination of the hidden details of Augusta politics and personalities.

Aitken Parks

A Book and a Buck

Though sparring over the minutiae of the TEE Center parking deck grabbed most of the headlines coming out of the committee meetings this week, you could also say that Monday’s meeting represented the beginning of the District 1 Commission race. The gauntlet was thrown down in last week’s Spirit, when Harrisburg activist and former Deke fighter Lori Davis drew a bead on sitting commissioner Matt Aitken. Not only was she quoted as saying she was considering a run, but she didn’t have much good to say about Aitken’s leadership, either. To be fair, she doesn’t have much good to say about anybody’s leadership, but you’ve got to figure it’s probably a little uncomfortable to have all that grrrr thrown in your direction. Which might have been just the wakeup call Aitken needed, because after a couple of tentative years blowing to and fro like a kite searching for the wind, it seemed Monday as if the time had come for him to reacquaint himself with the updraft that lifted him into office. So when Alvin Mason was going back and forth with Fred Russell and everyone was holding their breath wondering how Jerry Brigham was going to respond to Bill Lockett’s dismissive request to calm down, Aitken dug deep and found the courage to stand up and actually say something. Of course, it came wrapped in that familiar, why-can’t-we-all-just-get-along rhetoric, but still — he was clearly ready to embrace the TEE Center, its parking deck and, if necessary, even the cursed land it was built on. This wasn’t always the case. Though he mostly votes with the white majority, which has been generally supportive of the deck throughout the lengthy, often acrimonious process, early on, Aitken was forcefully critical of the deal. Whether he was feeling the need to appease the black majority within the district that supported him the last time around but was now looking for a reason not to throw him out, or whether he was listening to the conspiracy-laced stories coming from some of the white people who are now assembling to face off against him, he came out of the gates accusatory and downright surly on the subject. Recently, he hasn’t had a lot to say on the subject, but Monday he couldn’t have been more positive, saying that most of his concerns about the parking garage agreement had been addressed and that he hoped commissioners could check their spirits and remember to put the city first. Most telling, however, was the fact that he specifically thanked the “motel operator” that’s working there, commending them for being faithful when no one else was investing in the community. If that doesn’t sound like a candidate remembering how to campaign, it’s hard to say what does.

Fry to Trial David Fry, who was arrested in August 2009 for trying to bribe commissioners Alvin Mason and Corey Johnson into supporting the TEE Center, will be back in court on Monday, February 6, at 9:30. In November, Fry’s Alford plea dissolved when his attorney, Pete Theodocion, and the Assistant District Attorney Adam King failed to reach an agreement. On December 6, Judge Carl Brown recused himself when his daughter, DeCara Brown, was hired to represent Fry. Many consider the Brown hire as a way for Fry to avoid going before the hard-sentencing Brown. The case was then assigned to Judge James Blanchard, who will hear the case in Courtroom 2H.

The Fall 2011 Arbitron Radio Ratings recently came out for the Augusta market. Kicks 99 came out the big winner, pulling in the largest numbers in memory. The big loser was 95 Rock, which was relegated down the dial mid diary. Also for the first time in memory, the Beasley Broadcasting cluster of stations came out with more market share than cross town competitor Clear Channel. What makes that impressive is Beasley did this with no urban stations. You’re up, you’re down. It’s a way of life for radio managers, salespeople, on-air staff, programmers, etc. Little diaries mailed to a random sampling of CSRA residents (which include, for some reason, an actual one-dollar bill) have an incredible sway on their careers. (And paychecks. Most program directors have bonuses built into their contracts based on where they land in each book.) Looking at 12 plus total weeks, which is really just for bragging rights, Kicks had an 11.8 share. The next closest was Kiss FM with a 7.6, then you had WBBQ and WGAC tied with a 7.2 share. The “buying” demo is the 25-54 year olds, and total week Kicks scored a 12.0, Kiss had an 8.6, WBBQ had a 7.9, and one of the real stories of the book was BOB FM, coming in with a 6.7. (and third midday, behind Kicks and WBBQ). Since flipping formats from the moribund 93.9 The Drive, BOB has scored five books in a row of growth. In the most heads-up battle of formats, Top 40 stations HD 98.3 (Beasley) and recent addition Y 102.3 (Clear Channel) continued to scrap for those ladies. WHHD (98.3) vs WZNY (102.3) 18-49 Female Mornings WHHD 5th WZNY 8th Midday WHHD WZNY 8th

6th

Afternoon Tied 7th 25-34 Female Mornings WHHD WZNY 9th

2nd

Midday WHHD WZNY

2nd 6th

Afternoons WHHD WZNY

2nd 6th

With most cars coming equipped with IT connections in five years, radio must continue to evolve. Evolve by getting back to its roots. With limitless choices at the fingertips of local consumers, radio must rely on its connection to the community. The operators who keep their stations local, local, local will be able to fight those that don’t will be on the auction block before Atlanta lands another hockey team.

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METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

IdRatherBeFireside.com V. 23 | NO. 05

INSIDER@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

The World’s Longest Whine Usually, when the Metro Spirit receive diatribe of this length, we print it as a letter to the editor. When something arrives anonymously via fax with the sender’s number erased from the pages, however, you know you have something special. So enjoy the world’s longest whine. As I read with utter disbelief Lori Davis’s paranoid ravings in the January 26 Metro Spirit article, I couldn’t help thinking about one of history’s most important lessons, to wit: Whenever lunacy is combined with overzealousness, excessive ego and the gift of persuasion, you have the perfect recipe for disaster. Let’s examine Davis’s accusations. This is somewhat difficult inasmuch as she is a master of innuendo; nonetheless, it’s worth a try. And frankly, she richly deserves something resembling a rebuttal. I pray the Spirit takes the journalistic high road and allows that to happen. If we take Davis’s statements at face value, there is a “Cabal;” presumably having secret late night meetings, sipping Jack Daniels and smoking Cuban cigars in sumptuously-appointed chambers in Summerville, developing a diabolically sinister master plan for Harrisburg. The “Cabal” includes very wealthy entrepreneurs, church groups, country clubs, utility companies and elected local, state and federal officers; as well as various and sundry public servants, including but not limited to law enforcement, city planners, law enforcement officers, the dog catcher and others. Oh, and lest we forget, The Augusta Chronicle, landlords, slumlords, pimps and drug-peddlers. If I’ve left anyone out, mea culpa. Anyway, they’re all in this together. The “Cabal” is even allowing crime to run rampant in Harrisburg in order to qualify for special grants to further line their pockets!!! (Yes, she actually said that.) (Is anyone out there in the real world starting to pick up just a faint whiff of the aforementioned lunacy here?) Take into account that (in Lori Davisland anyway) the country’s overall economy, inflation, the recession, the mortgage crisis, joblessness, stock market instability, etc., have had nothing

whatsoever to do with falling property values in Harrisburg. If we are to buy into the grand conspiracy afoot here in Augusta, undervalued Harrisburg properties are furtively scooped up by “shell” LLCs backed by big money, thanks in large part to the previously mentioned and carefully engineered Diabolically Sinister Master Plan. And just what nefarious plans do the greedy rich have in mind for said illforgotten properties? Brothels, perhaps? Group homes for the criminally insane? Steel mills? Smelly pig farms? Or, will dilapidated eyesores be torn down and new residential dwellings built? Maybe some of the evil entrepreneurs are thinking of starting businesses in Harrisburg! Oh no! Not THAT! Heaven and Lori Davis forbid that attractive storefronts, jobs, tax revenue, charm and convenience establish a stronghold in her neighborhood; really awful stuff like coffee shops, tea houses, bakeries, spas and hair salons, cozy little sidewalk cafes, restaurants, antique stores, dress shops, florists, etc. You know, what most communities yearn for in order to thrive. Alas, in Lori-Davis land, no good deed goes unpunished. “Off with their heads!” she screams. “I’m going to file lawsuits! I’m going to get people fired! They’re afraid of me! I’m afraid of them because I’m getting threats! My Harrisburg flags were stolen as retribution by the ‘Cabal!’” (Note: Flag thefts at neighboring homes and occurring during the same time period were caught on surveillance camera. The flags were stolen by a teenage boy who lives in the neighborhood. A member of the “Junior Cabal?”) And this is really scary: “And, by God,” Davis announces, “you’d better look out… because I’M packing!” Okaaaay. (This is where we cue the Twilight Zone theme). More “biting the hand that feeds” from Lori and her merry band: “The KROC is a crock! It’s not good enough. It’s not doing enough quickly enough! It costs too much! Only rich Summerville people go there! They didn’t invite me to be on their advisory board! I’m canceling my

membership. Whaaaah!” But wait. There’s more: “The Fuller Center for Housing and Clay Boardman’s Turn Back the Block is a scam! It’s just a get-rich scheme to line the pockets of millionaires!” (Er. Note to Lori: It is political suicide to ever attack a reputable, Christian faith-based organization which has performed well-documented good works around the world. File that one away.) So what if hundreds of thousands of dollars will go to upgrade homes and provide individuals low-cost loans so that they might enjoy the pride and privilege of home ownership? So what if former crack houses are turned into homes for families? So what if, as a result of all this, the crime rate drops and property values increase? Uh, isn’t that what we all want for Harrisburg? SO WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU REALLY WANT, MRS. DAVIS? Pay a visit to the social networking or internet sites (Augusta Today on Facebook or citystink.net) where Davis is a prominent participant, and take some time to read the posts, comments and articles like those (paraphrased) above. Believe me. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Consider the overall “theme” of the commentary by like-minded individuals who, like Davis, seem to all be the riding the tail of the same comet into outer space. They despise and distrust the wealthy. They despise and distrust government and elected officials. They want change but they only want it on their terms. Everything is a conspiracy. If anyone disagrees with them, look out. You’re the enemy and fair game for name-calling, character assassination, insults, etc. These are not nice people. Worst of all, Davis is an outright liar. In short, this crowd would be a psychiatrist’s dream. I have a theory. Well, a few. Davis doesn’t like it when someone steals her thunder (especially if the thunder-stealer is a well-connected businessman who seems to know how to get it done and get it done right). Having said that, I also theorize that her initial intentions were honorable, but somewhere along the line, that little choo-choo ran off the

track. I believer that Davis has used The Harrisburg-West End Neighborhood Association (she’s the current prez) as nothing more than a front for soapboxing and self-promotion as a (failed, Thank God) political candidate. My advice to the neighborhood association’s members, before they take that final sip of kool-aid, is this: Ask yourselves some important questions. Do the tactics employed by Davis and her little gang create tangible solutions for Harrisburg? Or do they only contribute to the problems? My second piece of advice is that you folks give thoughtful consideration to hitching your wagons to the stars that are really doing something in Harrisburg to create positive change, The current wagon is driven by whiners whose modus operandi is to alienate and launch smear campaigns against the very people, charities, churches and agencies that help Harrisburg. No-brainer, oui? Oh, and just a little aside. The Harrisburg-West End Neighborhood Association, registered as a nonprofit organization with the Georgia Secretary of State, seems to have forgotten to file its required annual federal tax return in 2010 under Lori Davis’ leadership. That’s pretty interesting seeing as (according to the interview). She’s a “T-crosser and an I-dotter.” Oops! Maybe some concerned citizens need to examine her records! I’m not about to sign my name to this letter because I have no intention of being put squarely in the sights of an individual who might, with her next hot flash, decide to grab her pistol she’s so proud of and go postal on me. Nor do I wish for me or any member of my family, my business associates or my friends to become an internet target of Davis and her lunaticfringe associates, the “City Stinkers.” And don’t think for one minute that wouldn’t happen. I am hopeful, however, that you’ll print this letter in its entirety. It’s only fair. Looking for the rest of the whines? We’ve moved them to the back of the paper, their new home from now on. See pages 40-41.

Fiber Myopic Columbia County officials, especially new Administrator Scott Johnson, must have seen their lives flash before their eyes last Monday when word got out that State Senate Majority Leader Chip Rogers introduced Senate Bill 313, the Broadband Investment Equity Act. Though Rogers says it’s a good old-fashioned Republican kind of bill aimed at keeping government from competing with the private sector, there are plenty of Republicans in Columbia County who would disagree. Call them realists, opportunists or Republicans in name only, but Columbia County officials are perfectly fine with whatever advantages the broadband network they’re building might give them. In fact, they’re counting on them. Not only did they beat out a lot of other communities for $13.5 million in federal grant money to lay down a cutting edge fiber infrastructure, but they’ve also invested millions in local money and have earmarked millions more. A few days before the announcement, Johnson, who as deputy administrator made the broadband initiative a top priority that was quickly adopted by the rest of the

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county’s power structure, was talking about how the infrastructure could help Columbia County attract the kind of tech-forward businesses they wanted to see relocate there. Businesses were leaving places that didn’t have that kind of infrastructure and moving to places that did, he said. A few days later, the Government Center was in crisis mode, desperately trying to digest the bill, communicate with the delegation and figure out what it might all mean. Will the requirements of the federal grant conflict with whatever might come out of Atlanta? Or might they suffer the fate of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, which got caught mid-project when a similar law passed and was not exempted. Columbia County’s project has several months to go before completion. Critics of the bill complain that it’s just an example of politicians bowing to the lobbying efforts of the big-spending cable providers, and while Columbia County has said all along that it wants to work with the cable providers, they’re definitely nervous at the prospect of losing the big advantage they were banking on, not to mention the money they’ve already invested.

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Excuse Me… Do You Mind Sharing?

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Let’s start out with the obvious — I’m not a big Facebook user. Yes, I have an account. Yes, I log on occasionally to check in with friends. But when I go online, it’s usually directed by purpose. After all, I’m a buyer, not a shopper. Facebook is a shopper’s destination. I don’t have the patience to weed through the constant stream of posts and updates. And please don’t get me started talking about the ever-increasing violation of cyber etiquette known as “oversharing.” (Just to be clear — I don’t need to know about anything that involves bodily fluid, oozing, transferred or otherwise, and personal drama is just that — personal!) Even for those that “share” appropriately, Facebook privacy concerns always seem to be a topic for the technology talking heads. Here’s the thing, though. Facebook is a good app. It connects friends and family in a meaningful way where no individual or group can dominate the conversation. The barriers to participate in the Facebook community are minimal, yet each person has a worldwide audience. Was Facebook designed specifically to embody this egalitarian spirit, or did the quest to increase the user base inadvertently create a community of free speech? Either way, Facebook is seamlessly woven into our social fabric. That brings us to a couple of Facebook events in the news this week. First of all, the Facebook website continues to evolve in pursuit of its mission to create a more open and connected world. The Facebook Timelime becomes part of your profile page over the next couple of week. The Timeline feature provides users the ability to navigate past Facebook activity. You can control what events appear in your Timeline and highlight the importance of those events. By default, all of your Facebook activity is contained in your Timeline. After you are notified that you will be switched to the Timeline profile, you will be given a week to adjust Timeline events. I suggest that you take a few minutes to review and remove those forgotten posts that really don’t need to be re-shared. It’s pretty fashionable to criticize Timeline, and several surveys seem to indicate that popular opinion is against it. Personally, I can see why some folks are freaked out, but I kind of liked it. For more information, MacWorld wrote a great article on the features and privacy concerns of Timeline. To check it out, see my Facebook page for the link. BTW, the second Facebook news this week… it looks like Facebook is going to conduct their Initial Public Offering (IPO) in the next few months. Early analysis indicates that Facebook will be valued between $75 billion and $100 billion, with expectations that the IPO will generate about $10 billion cash. I heard a report that Mark Zuckerberg will make $24 billion on the IPO alone. Of course, that’s before President Obama takes his 30 percent and spreads it around. While we’re talking about using the internet to share information, I came across a website this week that offers a taste of how job seeking might evolve. The website is http://visualize.me. It’s a well-known fact that images and pictures communicate more effectively than words. This site translates the basic resume facts into meaningful images intended to create a stronger impact on prospective employers. Currently, the website is very beta, but it’s good enough to be functional. (Check out my resume at http://vizualize. me/gregory_a_baker#.TygMosXy-a8.) With HTML5, I can envision a scenario where resumes are presented electronically with embedded sound and video. Even better, visualize.me has tapped into an underutilized resume distribution network through its partnership with resumeshirts. com. They will print your amped up resume on a T-shirt so you won’t miss another opportunity to show that you are ready, willing and able to work. What better way to demonstrate your initiative to future employers? After all, you never know who’s standing behind you in the grocery store. Until next time, I’ll see you on the internet @gregory_a_baker. L8R. Gregory A. Baker, Ph.D., is vice president and chief rocket scientist for CMA, which provides information technology services to CSRA businesses and nonprofits. V. 23 | NO. 05

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Book by John Caird Music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz Based on a concept by Charles Lisanby A two-act Pop/Rock musical, Rated PG, from Stephen Schwartz (“Godspell” and “Pippin”) and John Caird (“Les Miserables”) comes a joyous and inspirational musical about parents, children and faith ... not to mention centuries of unresolved family business! Freely based on the story of Genesis, Children Of Eden is a frank, heartfelt and often humorous examination of the age-old conflict between parents and children. Adam, Eve, Noah and the “Father” who created them deal with the headstrong, cataclysmic actions of their respective children. The show ultimately delivers a bittersweet but inspiring message: that “the hardest part of love ... is letting go.” An expansive, ambitious musical – a rich score with pageantry and sweep. – L.A. Times

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

AUSTINRHODES

The views expressed are the opinions of Austin Rhodes and do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher.

Opening the Door to Evil According to pop culture mythology, the safest place to hide from a vampire is in your own home. The mystic rules dictate that the bloodsucker cannot enter the domicile of an intended victim without their expressed and uncoerced invitation. In the real world the same goes for the majority of the female victims of domestic violence. They are targeted only after they invite their tormentors into their lives freely, and of their own will (loosely quoting Gary Oldman’s Dracula). We learned over the weekend that investigators believe 26-year-old convicted felon Joshua Jones already had blood on his hands as he took the life of Aiken Public Safety Officer Sandy Rogers. Approaching the car Jones had stolen from his father, Rogers never had a chance as the thug shot her once in the chest and then twice in the head at point blank range. Police say Officer Rogers was likely shot because Jones was under the impression that she knew what he had left behind in the apartment he was sharing with his on again/off again girlfriend, Cayce Vice. He was wrong, but sadly that did not

help Rogers, who was one of the most popular and dedicated officers on the force. She became the first female law enforcement officer killed in the line of duty, in South Carolina history. And what of Vice? The 20-year-old’s lifeless body was found with two shots to the head, likely fired as she slept in the same bed with the killer, the same man who had fathered her yet unborn child. As much as Cayce apparently loved Jones, his affections for her were far less dependable. Police had been called to their Washington Road apartment exactly three weeks earlier to find the girl beaten to a bloody pulp at the hands of the diminutive, yet monstrous man. He had gotten away on foot, and though they pursued him, deputies were unable to locate him. The police report tells the tale; she confronted him about cheating on her, and he beat her down in return. Officers saw that the apartment was secure, and told Cayce as she was taken to the hospital by ambulance that Joshua Jones was now a wanted man. If she knew where he was, all she had to do was call them and they

would see that he was arrested. Treated and released, Cayce did what many young women do in the wake of such an event. She cried to family, and then took to Facebook... switching her “status” from “in a relationship” to “single.” Ironically, her wall shows she then took the following action: “Cayce likes ‘The Fight Against Domestic Violence’ and ‘Love Is Not Abuse.’” But her resolve did not last long. Some say that Joshua Jones is possessed by the Devil, and they say the proof was the hideous display he put on during his Aiken County bond hearing. Sounding like a snake, but coming across like Hell’s biggest imbecile, the video depicting the outburst has become one of the most widely viewed pieces of video ever connected to a local news story. However ominously evil he appears in that footage, there was something about him that charmed Cayce Vice, and, just like so many of those fictional vampire victims, I’ll be damned if she didn’t invite the sick SOB right back into her life, her apartment and her bed.

One call to police from Cayce or her family, and he would have been hauled away in chains. He had been back about a week when he decided to kill her. Howard Vice, Cayce’s father, told Channel 12 news reporter Hope Jensen that he wished he had done more after Jones attacked weeks before. “I tried my best to get this girl out of this situation that she was in with this boy... I went almost as far as hurting him to get him to do something, but then I thought that wouldn’t work. And so maybe I should’ve went ahead and done what I was gonna do to him and that police lady might be alive and my daughter might be alive.” Folks, I have no idea what I would do if a man harmed my 20-year-old daughter, but I hope and pray it was more than Cayce’s father was able to do for her. Kill Jones? No. Hog tie the bastard and drop him off at the jail? You betcha. If Jones was sitting in a cell on Phinizy Road without bond, like he should have been after the January 8 beat down, Cayce Vice, her unborn child and Officer Sandy Rogers would still be alive today.

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METRONEWS

MATTLANE

Super Sunday

Local advertisers play the ad game, too

Rare is the televised sporting event where you’ll find dialogue that sounds like this — “Hurry up! The Patriots just scored, they’re about to kick the extra point and go to commercial. You can finish those dishes when the game comes back on!” — but for Super Bowl Sunday it is. Talk of the ads dominate conversations, with emphasis on what companies will come up with next and who’ll pony up the $3.5 million — or, in one late entry’s case, as much as $4 million — to guarantee a seat at the party. “The Super Bowl is the highestwatched program in the country,” said NBC 26 Sales Manager Pete Michenfelder, whose station will air Super Bowl XLVI on Sunday, February 5. “What’s neat about it is that people don’t take bathroom breaks during the commercials, they take them during the game.” And for all the talk surrounding the national ads, it seems we forget that V. 23 | NO. 05

there are local businesses wrestling for those same eager eyeballs in order to have their product or service viewed by the largest collective audience of the year. “There’s so much interest over the years for watching the commercials,” said Michenfelder. “What we’ve suggested locally is that they take a similar approach (like national advertisers) and put their best foot

forward that evening.” The same intoxicating question asked nationally even arises at the local level: How much does a 30-second spot cost to air? “We are not going to share any of that information,” said Michenfelder. “That’s just some information that’s proprietary

from our regard.” While the different pricing structures of the sales packages affect how much an individual 30-second spot would run, on average, the in-game spots are rumored to be in the neighborhood of $5,000 a pop. “Spots are certainly at a premium, but METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

if you look at the cost-per-thousand and cost-per-rating points (measurement metric), it’s a tremendous value,” said Michenfelder. The majority of the Super Bowl units sold were packaged with other programming, such as the Super Bowl pre-game broadcast, the premiere of Season 2 of “The Voice” — which follows the Super Bowl — and the 17-day 2012 Summer Olympics. Driving the demand for much of the coveted national space again this year will be automotive ads, and that trend extends here to the local level as well. Car dealerships, lumber companies and fast food are the primary clients committed to the Super Bowl, Michenfelder said. Last year’s Super Bowl between the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers was not only the most watched Super Bowl, but also the most watched single program of any kind in U.S. TV history. The 162.9 million estimated viewer total outdrew the previous leader, Super Bowl XLIV (Colts-Saints) by more than nine million viewers. The TV rating for last year’s game was 54.0 — that means 54 percent of all TVs, including those not even turned on, were tuned to the Super Bowl. The telecast also garnered an astronomical 73 share, which means that 73 percent of people that were watching TV while the game was on were locked on FOX. Mammoth ratings for sports are nothing new for viewers familiar with NBC’s programming. Their Sunday Night Football program consistently dominates ratings in the regular season, so sales staffs across the country have a leg up when retreading their pitches for the Olympic Games. Also, since both boast similar buying practices, and many Olympians have become as recognizable as some of the NFL’s brightest stars, some things are an easier sell than others.

10 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

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JOSHRUFFIN

Free Verse

Despite the fact that I’m talking about poetry, please don’t turn the page

RUFFIN’IT

I’m writing this column under threat of great peril, as self-identification of oneself as “poet” ranks third on the list of Offences Punishable by Groin Shot, just under “wearing an American flag necktie” and doing anything “ironically.” It’s like saying you’re a Ron Paul supporter: If you’re going to do it, you damn well better know what it means, and even then you might be clinically insane. But I am a poet: I’ve got grad school debt, multiple publications, a Pushcart Prize nomination and a massive persecution complex to prove it. And I didn’t get even to this modest level of success by way of inherent or god-given talent… I mean, I know a few big words and all that, but it takes a lot of work to figure out how to weave them together and get at something beyond their surface meaning. I went to school to advance my knowledge of it, but poetry has in the last 60 or so years become a more democratic entity. The advent of free verse in the early 20th century, cheaper printing, greater literacy rates — all of these elements and more combined to make the craft more accessible to readers and aspiring poets alike. Poetry, then, is not relegated to what you studied in high school and, probably, college. Shakespeare, Donne, Pound and Yeats are all essential reading, but there are exciting, game-changing poets living and working in this country, right now. What follows is neither an endorsement, or even a flexing of literary awareness muscle (though I do bench the collected works of Jim Harrison). Some of these writers aren’t even favorites of mine. But if you want to get a good idea of where American poetry is and where it’s going, these might be good places to start.

Ellen Bryant Voigt Key book: “Kyrie” I’ve never met Ellen Bryant Voigt, but I’ve heard her read, and she sounds like the cast of “Winter’s Bone” with a Ph.D. I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to expunge my Southern accent, but Voigt embraces it wholeheartedly in both verse and speaking engagements. She writes in drawl. Research is as important an aspect of poetry as it is for any other academic or professional endeavor, and Voigt helps to debunk the notion that writing is purely a matter of “art.” “Kyrie,” a blank-verse (no rhyme scheme, but with a set meter) sonnet sequence concerning a 1918 outbreak of Spanish influenza in the Midwest, is ambitious in its conception and flawless in execution. Though taking liberties with meter, the poems seem to alternately glide and chop, wafting on dying breaths or anchored by steel-toed boots. For your consideration, the last two lines of “Prologue:” “And who can tell us where there was an orchard,/where a swing, where the smokehouse stood?”

Mark Doty Key books: “Fire to Fire (New & Selected Poems),” “My Alexandria” Along with Billy Collins, Mark Doty is one of the main reasons anyone in America who’s not a teacher or a grad student reads contemporary poetry. He’s relatively high-profile, a bona fide celebrity in many circles. I introduced the man a couple of years ago when he gave a reading at Georgia College, and we packed the auditorium. Interestingly, most readers know him not from his poetry, but from a couple of memoirs he wrote: “Heaven’s Coast,” about his partner dying of AIDS, and “Dog Years,” an examination of our relationship with animals and how it pertains to our human interactions. He can do anything, and makes the rest of us look bad. And oh yeah, his poetry is wonderful. Plainspoken and elegant, Doty’s lines generally offer few surprises regarding enjambment (use and arrangement of line breaks), but they interlock in subtly beautiful ways. In “Heaven for Stanley,” (Kunitz, the poet), he writes in the first two lines: “For his birthday, I gave Stanley a hyacinth bean,/an annual, so he wouldn’t have to wait for the flowers.” Tranquility and natural-world comeliness characterizes the surface, but the implication, that Stanley doesn’t have long to live, is sobering.

Nick Flynn Key books: “Some Ether, Blind Huber” Like Mark Doty, Nick Flynn got famous for writing possibly the greatest-titled memoir in history: “Another Bulls*** Night in Suck City.” A chronicle of his tumultuous upbringing with an unstable home life and, later, re-igniting something resembling a relationship with his father at a homeless shelter — Flynn worked there, his father was a tenant — it’s a brutal, funny, tender book, and almost made people forget he had written two stellar poetry collections in 2000 and 2002. A storyteller by heart, Flynn’s verse narratives are characterized by juxtaposing events disparate in time and place, but harrowingly similar in tone. In his poem “The Captain Asks for a Show of Hands,” he recounts a ferry ride beset by a violent storm. When the captain asks his opinion as to whether they should forge ahead or turn back, Flynn responds: “For years, I had a happy childhood,/if anyone asked, I’d say, it was happy.” Also check out: Albert Goldbarth, “The Kitchen Sink”; Alex Lemon, “Mosquito”; Carrie Fountain, “Burn Lake”; Matthew Zapruder, “Come on All You Ghosts.”

ASU and Metro Spirit alum Josh Ruffin is a published journalist and poet, who just received his MFA from Georgia College & State University. He was once the most un-intimidating bouncer at Soul Bar.

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SNOW WHITE’S EMPLOYMENT AGENCY By Adam Fromm | Edited by Will Shortz

98 Bad occupation for Doc? 105 Hippocampus hippocampus, e.g. 108 Mishmashes 109 Employee of the month award, say 110 Bad occupation for Bashful? 112 Waldorf salad ingredients 113 Sports anchor Rich 114 Attacked ground units, in a way 115 Honchos 116 Lands in a puddle, maybe 117 Accent 118 ___-Magnon 119 ___-la-la

47 Fire 49 Convivial 51 Jai ___ 52 Funeral song in Scotland 53 Cuts 56 Become a YouTube sensation 58 Finally edible 60 Zip 64 Duo with the 2003 hit “All the Things She Said” 65 Levi’s alternative 66 Actors MacLachlan and Chandler 67 Serve up some ham? DOWN 68 Extend, in a way 1 Kerri ___, U.S. gymnastics star at the 72 Georgia and Moldova, once: 1996 Olympics Abbr. 2 45 player 73 Like two peas in ___ 3 Pay up 74 Hail 4 Cave ___ 75 Is allowed (to) 5 One going to market 76 Overhead transports 6 Daily or weekly: Abbr. 77 Tolkien’s tree creatures 7 “Friends” role 78 Some Jamaicans 8 (0,0), on a graph 82 “Switched-On Bach” instrument 9 Eruption sight 85 Snares 10 “___ Frome” 88 Not a great hand for raising 11 A picky person may pick one 92 Surgical inserts 12 Trailer attachment 93 Aristocracies 13 Bananas 94 Big name in insurance 14 “Somebody shot me!” 95 [Give me the worm! Give me 15 Questionnaire blank the worm!] 16 Airport postings, for short 96 Hallmark of the Philadelphia 17 Force sound 19 Subject of dozens of Degas paintings 97 Sounds of hesitation 21 Vertigo symptom 98 Relating to the palm of the hand 25 Group with the 1995 #1 hit 99 Apple software bundle that “Waterfalls” includes GarageBand 27 Honor like a troubadour 100 Volunteer’s cry 30 Bar that shrinks 101 “Shoot!” 33 Miss 102 Disgruntled worker’s parting 34 Like four U.S. presidents cry 35 Mathematician Descartes 103 External 36 River to the North Sea 104 “The Gondoliers” bride 37 Chapters in history 105 Ballet bit 38 Half note 106 Malevolent 39 Novelist Calvino 107 Lhasa ___ 40 Like lanterns at the start of evening 111 “Either plagiarism or 42 Log revolution,” per Paul Gauguin 43 Big bother 112 Fighters’ org. 45 Degree of interest? 46 “Voilà!”

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ACROSS 1 Colo. ___, Colo. 4 1040 preparer, for short 7 Heartbeat 13 Plied with spirits 18 Shakespeare 20 National Forensic League skill 22 Rare violin 23 Royal house until the early 20th century 24 Bad occupation for Sleepy? 26 One 27 Head of ancient Sparta? 28 Hardest to ship, say 29 Bad occupation for Happy? 31 Bit of wear for a fop 32 Hero who debuted in Weird Tales magazine in 1932 33 M.A. hopeful’s ordeal 34 Like Oscar Wilde’s humor 37 Ruler in a robe 41 Touch while running 42 Home of two M.L.B. teams 44 Villains in 1939’s “Stagecoach” 48 Last ___ 50 Ones running away with the game? 54 Mrs. Robinson’s daughter 55 Having hands, maybe 57 Bad occupation for Sneezy? 59 More than a quarter of the earth’s crust, by mass 61 Longtime Yankee nickname 62 Spot for a flame 63 Bad occupation for Grumpy? 69 2000 musical with the song “Fortune Favors the Brave” 70 Diplomatic, say 71 Some juices 73 Bad occupation for Dopey? 79 Grippers 80 Spanish dish 81 Classic figure in a top hat 83 It needs to be fed frequently 84 Best in the market 86 Last word of “Finnegans Wake” 87 ___ Canals 89 Gives a darn? 90 Bridge maker’s deg. 91 Biblical mount 93 Singer John 95 Common tattoo spot

L D C A S E R A T O S T L E I T I M S E C H B E A F E R B A N E L D A N E T K O S R A I N I T E N T E G R C S T E O P H I M I R E S M E R L A U P R A C L E I T H E T N E Y S

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ERICJOHNSON

Bringing Back a Jewel

New jewelry store in Friedman’s returns iconic name to prominence Windsor Jewelers owner Donny Thompson, who revived the Friedman’s name last fall when he opened Friedman’s Gold Buying Center at the old Rite Aid at Washington Road and Alexander Drive, is continuing the resurrection of the once-powerful Friedman’s name by adding a full-fledged jewelry store to the building. “We’re actually bringing back some of the old Friedman’s employees,” Thompson says. Friedman’s, once the third- or fourth-largest jewelry store in the nation, was originally an Augusta-based company that at one time had the largest home-based payroll in town. While it was bought out and eventually went bankrupt about two years ago, Thompson thought it was important for the name to live on, especially as a jewelry store. So he decided to open a brand-new store and target the underserved market left high and dry by the disappearance of an industry staple: the independent jewelry store. Though it might seem odd for someone so recognized as a provider of high-end merchandise to open a store catering to a slightly less affluent clientele, Thompson stresses Friedman’s will sell high-quality merchandise, just a little below the exclusive brands carried by Windsor. “I just felt like there was a need for that kind of jewelry again,” he says. “We’ll be above a chain,

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but not at the level of Windsor. Windsor sells more designer brands and Friedman’s was always a value jewelry store.” Designer brands have become extremely popular over the last few years, but they tend to come with a higher price tag, which has left the rest of the market to be dominated by lower-end retailers and internet companies. “Even a lot of the manufacturers aren’t around anymore,” he says “The internet has taken a big, big part of that.” Because consumers now have such power, the margins are tighter, which makes it even more challenging to stay in business. “You’ve got to have the right price,” he says. “I’m telling you, people shop harder today than they ever have. They have more information at their fingertips than they ever had, so we have to make sure that we have bought at the lowest price. Our suppliers hate us for it, but you have to do everything you can today to get the lowest price

and the best quality.” Though internet stores often enjoy a price advantage because they don’t have to provide service or operate brick and mortar stores, Thompson says the personal attention a local store provides still means a lot to a jewelry buyer. “If you order a ring locally and it’s the wrong size, you can take it in and get it fixed,” he says. “If you bought it online, you have to mail a package back, wait two or three days, get it fixed and send it back. Over the long haul you might have saved a few bucks, but you might have spent them in another way.” That’s not to say Friedman’s is turning its back on technology. The store will feature computer stations that will allow customers to custom build their own rings. Besides that, the merchandise will actually be in stock, which Thompson says is becoming increasingly rare, with some companies displaying gold-plated silver samples rather than the actual merchandise itself. “You get in there and see all these rings, but you can’t really buy any of them because they’re not real,” he says. That’s just one example of the rapidly evolving business climate. “It’s a tough business,” he says. “There’s almost nobody around that was around 20 years ago.” The challenge of succeeding in today’s

environment, he says, comes from the difficult balance between creativity and business acumen. “Not only do you have to pick up something that looks good, but somehow you have got to have the ability to figure out how many of those you’re going to sell,” he says. “If you don’t have all that working, you won’t be successful.” Given the fact that Windsor enjoyed the largest sales increase in its history last year, he seems to have that all working pretty good. “When I go look at rings, I’m the customer,” he says. “I’m looking at these rings and I’m saying that of all the rings I’ve seen, this is the best one I’ve seen for $400, so let me have 50 of them because that’s how many I think I can sell.” And then he repeats that same process at level after level. “That’s really your mission,” he says. “For the amount of money that you’re spending, is that the best-looking ring you can find? And then you have to apply that to every level you’re looking at.” And when he’s done that, he always makes sure he’s purchased a few more at each level just to make sure he never runs out, something that’s less about keeping the customers happy than it is about attending to the bottom line. “Unless you have more than you need, you’ll never know how many you could have sold,” he says. “So you’ll never find us with empty shelves.”

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 13

ERICJOHNSON

Winning Bid

Auto auction delivers transportation, deductions and assistance According to Salvation Army Community Relations Manager Anthony Esposito, the quarterly Salvation Army auto auction has become one of those circle-the-date kinds of events. “We have folks who come from all over,” he says. “There are a couple of folks who come from Waynesboro every single time and there are other people who come to buy a car specifically to

restore it. Others come because their car broke down and they don’t currently have transportation. These cars fit the bill for everybody.” Typically, the auction includes cars, trucks, campers, boats and scooters.

Interested people can visually preview the cars until 6 p.m. Friday, February 3, at the Salvation Army location at 1384 Greene Street or they can pay the $5 registration fee and earn the opportunity to not only bid at Saturday’s auction, but also pop the hood, look inside and conduct a deeper inspection of the vehicle. Bidders can still preview the cars from 8-10 a.m. Saturday, February 4, but at that time they will only be allowed to look. Then, at exactly 10 a.m. — they’re sticklers for starting exactly at 10 — a certified auctioneer will start the bidding on the first car. All vehicles are sold “as is” with no warrantees of any kind “If you’re the highest bidder, you have

bought the car,” Esposito says. “We’ll walk you through the paperwork, take payment and you can drive off in that car.” The Salvation Army of Augusta conducts similar auctions on the first Saturdays in June and October. Because the vehicles are accumulated over time and some of them have been sitting since shortly after the October auction, bidders are encouraged to bring battery packs and jumper cables, since all purchased vehicles need to be removed by 3 p.m. on Monday, February 6. With the donors getting a tax deduction for donating their vehicle and the winning bidders getting affordable transportation, it’s a win-win proposition for both parties, but Esposito says it’s the third winner that potentially gains the most. “There’s a benefit for the donor and a benefit for the person who buys the car, and then the proceeds from the auction go to the Salvation Army of Augusta Center for Hope,” Esposito says. “That’s

where we do the men’s shelter, the women and children’s shelter, the drug and alcohol rehab program and, of course, the soup kitchen.” Though most people are aware of the shelters and the soup kitchen — Esposito says they served over 100,000 meals last year — few seem to be aware of the free nine-month drug and alcohol rehab program. It’s a residential program for men. “They go through a regimented ninemonth process, and they have to stay clean through the entire process,” he says. “If they do not, then they take a little bit of a break and they come back in and start over.” Not counting the Kroc Center, which is a separate, stand-alone facility, the Salvation Army of Augusta runs approximately 15 different services out of the Center of Hope facility located at 1384 Greene Street. Anyone looking to register for the auto auction can call the Salvation Army at 706-826-7933, ext. 127, or visit salvationarmyaugusta.org.

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ERICJOHNSON

Parking Gridlock

Commissioners, administrator and attorney tee off over management agreement Administrator Fred Russell brought an amended TEE Center parking deck management agreement before the Finance Committee Monday. And though he maintained the new agreement achieved the results the commission wanted to see when they sent him back for more negotiations, including a reduction in the term and a change in profit sharing, commissioners seemed more interested in the details of attorney Jim Plunkett’s handling of the liens put on the property the parking deck is built on. Commissioners and Administrator Fred Russell have been at odds over the fact that the city does not own the land the parking deck is built on. Instead, the city owns the rights to the air above it, which Russell maintains saved the city $1.7 million. “My personal opinion is that this has been the biggest farce from the beginning,” said Commissioner Alvin Mason. “From the attempted bribe to the potentially donated land that wasn’t to air rights that we may or may not have to notes on an LLC…” Specifically, Mason and Commissioners J.R. Hatney and Bill Lockett seemed suspicious of

the fact that there were liens against the land, which is owned by 933 Broad Street LLC, a company with ties to Billy Morris. Plunkett, the city’s special counsel for the TEE Center and the parking deck, argued that the liens were discovered as part of the process and were not “some problem out there.” Mason made it clear that he didn’t know about them, to which Plunkett answered that the legal team had it under control. “I hear you saying that,” Mason said. “The only thing I’m going to say to that is this: maybe it’s the lawyer I’m uncomfortable with.” He implied Plunkett was working both ends

of the deal. “The fact that you are representing this city and in some ways it appears as though you’re representing the others as well — it appears to be some sort of conflict to me,” he said. “So maybe I’m a little uncomfortable with the lawyer.” At that point he backed off, saying that his comment didn’t require a response, though Russell commented anyway and the two began to bicker. Finance Committee Chairman Jerry Brigham stepped in and tried to move things along by asking Mason if he was finished with his line of questioning. “Yes, sir,” he replied, grinning straight ahead. “That’s why I said there are no comments necessary.” “But you can’t just take a swing at people and not give them the chance to respond,” Russell complained. “I’m not swinging at you,” Mason said. “Although, I very well…” Brigham admonished them both, which drew in Lockett, who asked Brigham to settle down. Once order was returned, Plunkett explained that if the land the parking deck is built on were to go into default, the bank would foreclose on

the real property, but the city’s interests would not be jeopardized. “[The bank] would not get the full right of the property,” he said. “We would still have all the air rights and all the same easement rights that we have now. They couldn’t take our deck. They couldn’t prohibit us from using the deck. They could not prevent people from parking up there.” Hatney questioned how long Plunkett had known about the liens, inferring that he was being evasive, though Plunkett insisted that he was simply doing his job. “There was a mechanism to have those liens released,” he said. “That’s how lawyers do business. We discover the issues with the property and we take care of those issues, ending up with the client having ownership of what they’re supposed to have.” Apparently the answer didn’t satisfy Lockett, however. “No disrespect to anyone, but Mr. Plunkett — if you were representing me in a real estate transaction and a situation such as this occurred… you’d be fired.” The agreement failed to make it out of committee.

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V. 23 | NO. 05

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 15

Dark as Night

JOEWHITE

Lewis Black brings his standup to Augusta, and it’s surprisingly different that his “Daily Show” rants Lewis Black is a road warrior. At 63, he is on a non-stop tour that brings him to the Bell Auditorium on Saturday, February 11, at 8 p.m. You probably know him from his two-minute rants on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” where he plays the role of the curmudgeon’s curmudgeon, literally frothing at the mouth and railing against the hypocrisy he sees all around. The Metro Spirit was lucky enough to get him on the phone last week. On a Tuesday. At one in the afternoon. In Oklahoma. This wasn’t expected to be a pleasant experience, but what we found was a completely affable man who chuckled non-stop throughout our conversation. When asked about Cheech and Chong, it took him a full 13 seconds to stop laughing enough to answer the question. Amazing. So, here it is, the lazy man’s cover story. An interview transcript. Enjoy. Lewis Black: Hello? Metro Spirit: Lewis? LB: Yeah, can I ask you to call me on a landline? Cuz this is a piece of s--t. MS: Okay. Will do. Allen: Good afternoon. Thanks for calling the Sheraton Midwest City Hotel at the Reed Conference Center. My name is Allen, how may I assist you? MS: Room 100 please? A: And the name of the guest, please? MS: Lewis Black. A: Okay, one moment… LB: Hello? MS: Hey Lewis, my name is Joe White and I’m the publisher of the Metro Spirit in Augusta. LB: Thank you. MS: And I’m honored to speak with you. LB: Uhhh, let’s not go crazy. MS: You’re on the first floor? LB: I certainly am (chuckles). MS: Sorry to hear that. LB: I’m in Oklahoma. No matter how high you are it’s all the same (chuckles). MS: It looks like

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you’re doing a bit of traveling? LB: Yeah, but I always have. MS: So, I’ve heard you talk about the Macon Airport, and I see that you were in Macon last month, so could you expound on that a little bit? LB: Did I? When did I talk about that? (Chuckles.) MS: Well, I listen to you a lot on Pandora so I don’t know when exactly it was, but I… LB: It was way back. It was way way back. I came to do a thing and left from there. I came to do a… a… a thing for Comcast, I think in a club down there and… and I think at that point… (chuckles) It’s a small airport. I came in years ago and did my check-ey stuff at the counter and then I went to where the check thing was and they checked me out in… in front of the thing, the metal detector, before I walked through. I sent my stuff through and stepped through the thing and they checked me again. And it was the same person! I was going — wow, I know… I realize that there’s, like, you know 20 people on this plane and I realize it was, like… really, it was like nothing I’d ever imagined. MS: One of your tweets last month thanked your fans for being patient while you were working on new material. What’s that process like? LB: You know you finish a special like you know I did a while back and you… you start starting all over again, kinda. You know, I have all kinds of stuff that I stopped from doing in that set that I sort of dropped. You drop the old thing and put in something new and you drop the old thing and you put in something new. For me, since I think about it all the time, but I really write it on stage, I never write anything down until I do it, and then I after I do two or three shows then I start thinking about stuff and writing it down. MS: Seinfeld was here last week, I think, and he had said somewhere that he only changes out about 10 percent of his material a year, and he’s quite happy with that. LB: Gosh. Jeez. I’d… I’d kill myself! That’s really amazing! I mean, we all have the means in which we work (laughing) and he’s probably smarter than… you know. I am trying to come up with a whole now act. It’s the only way I’ve ever worked (laughter). MS: You have a piece of material where you discuss following Vince Gill and Amy Grant. LB: Well, I mean it was unbelievable. I was in St. Louis and… and I was doing this gig. Tony La Russa has this thing for animals — you know, for shelter and stuff and adoption and the whole thing — named ARF. My friend Kathleen Madigan — Tony’s a big comedy geek, and he really likes my work and he asked me to do it and Kathy got back in touch and said Tony really wants you to do it. Will you do it? And I… you know, sure I can do it. I’d be glad to. And so I find myself in a room with about 8,000 people, and there’s an act — I think it’s Lady Antebellum, that has literally been around, like, a year and, you know, were country superstars. Didn’t bode well. And then Kathleen went and she did fine. She’s a hometown girl, but I’m looking at the order and I see (chuckles) Vince and Amy coming on before me. I’m thinking, you gotta’ be kidding me (chuckles)! I mean, it was like this can’t be possible (chuckles)! It’s like a nightmare! I mean, they’re the nicest people on earth! It’s disturbing. It kinda gives you exema. He’s really sweet and, you know, he goes on stage and the room goes nuts, as well they should, and he’s got one of those voices that makes you feel like you’re in a warm bath with the temperature just right. You don’t even know what he’s singing about. You don’t care, you’re so comfortable. He’s singing about his V. 23 | NO. 05

dead father, and I’m like are you f---ing s---ing me?(Chuckles.) And his dead father wrote a song, and now I’m gonna sing this song, and I’m thinking, you know, who’s not gonna like that song, and (chuckles) it’s a great song. It’s funny. It’s sad. It’s everything. And then he brings Amy Grant on, and as I said in my act, I’m standing next to her and all I’m thinking is I am a despicable piece of s--t. And she goes on stage. She is made totally out of cream, as far as I can tell. You know, doves are fluttering around her head (chuckles). And then she starts singing about Jesus, and I’m thinking, you know, that’s not right. At a fundraiser! I didn’t go to a Christian fundraiser, and I’m thinking, you know. And I turn to Kathleen at that point, and I… and she started singing about Jesus and I said, “Take a good look at the time, because this is the precise moment our friendship has come to an end!” Meanwhile, her parents and her sister and brother are texting her backstage to let Lewis know how screwed he is. It was brutal. But then I went on and I asked — I don’t know — who put these acts together, but I want them to come on stage so I can beat ‘em senseless (chuckles). And as it turns out, the set went pretty well, because what happens is, you work toward it and in the end it’s sort of, you know… in the end it’s fun, but getting to the end is horrible. It’s basically you’re entirely in panic (chuckles). You’re going through your whole act, and 80 percent of what you do you can’t do. MS: Have you ever played Augusta National, by any chance? LB: Uh, no. MS: Is that part of the deal? You’re going to get to play this time? LB: Of course not. MS: Would you like to? LB: Of course. I just don’t think it would really fit into my schedule. I’d kill to play at Augusta National. There was a comedy club there a long time ago. I mean, a long time ago. I mean, before 2000. Back when I was still touring clubs and… and I drove down there and drove in and… and I was asked to leave. And I was so irritated. It was just that kind of thing, and I didn’t really realize that it treated itself as the third Vatican. And so I… they told me to leave, and I was just like, I just wanted to, you know, look at it and, you know, I’ll get out of the car and I’ll take a look, and… and he was like, no — you gotta go. And I was like, look you… you come to New York where I live and, you know, you wanted to see Yankee Stadium and we would let you, you know? And then I left and I haven’t been back since. MS: What the f--k is going on with the Republicans? LB: It’s proof positive again that, you know, either party when given the opportunity to… to… you know, to go out and find a leader to do what they say, you know, hasn’t been done. Neither party is capable of doing that. You know, they used to say… they used to, you know, they used to say that they used to have, you know, people in the bull pen that had, say, run two three times to be the president. They practiced. You know, they were ready to do stuff. I think they… I think it’s, you know, I think it’s… I don’t know what the Republicans are thinking, but it’s, you know… you yell and… yell and scream for four years that this is an intolerable situation and that we’re… that this is the end of America as we know it, and… and, you know, first off — calm down (chuckles) cuz it’s not… cuz we know that America didn’t end on 9/11 and… and it’s certainly not gonna end because there’s a, you know, a… a stiff in the White House. You know, you have problems. You don’t have health care. You don’t know how to deal with health care, so you have the opportunity to do this and you… and you can’t even find someone that you like now. I mean, you can’t even make this stuff up. METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 17

I watch the TV now, and people say, “Do you watch the debates?” And I say, I can’t watch them cause I couldn’t ever have imagined this happening. This is beyond my imagination that you could have three guys who are completely inside the system who are running as populist. And claiming you are populist to a country who doesn’t even know what that means! It’s really beyond. I mean, they really are galling. MS: I want to run through just some of my favorite comedians and get the top of

MS: David Cross? LB: David is, you know, funny on, you know, too many levels. MS: Patton Oswalt. LB: Umm shew… wow. Patton is… oh, I love working with him and… we did our show together and I loved him and… too quick for words. MS: Louis CK.

your head take on them. LB: You’re not going to print this? Because I’m really nice about this stuff. MS: I would expect you to be because these are the really good ones. LB: All right, Okay. MS: Bill Hicks. LB: Um… phenomenon. MS: Don Rickles. LB: Blistering. Blistering funny. MS: Greg Giraldo LB: Was on his way to being one of the greats. MS: Dave Attell? LB: (chuckles) Spectacularly obscene for all the right reasons. MS: Greg Proops. LB: Who’d have ever thought someone that intelligent could be so f--king funny? MS: Bob and Ray? LB: Cornerstones of, you know, one of those, you know, cornerstones of comedy and got me through, you know, basically those kind of guys got me through my youth. MS: Kevin Nealon LB: Ah, Nealon is (chuckle) you know, Nealon is solid. MS: Bill Burr. LB: Bill Burr just gets better and better. It’s really irritating.

LB: Could… could render us all obsolete. All comics, not the entire human race. MS: Jim Gaffigan. LB: Oh, Gaffigan is really… shew. I watched him evolve for a long time to seriously funny. MS: What about Daniel Tosh? He is a bit blistery? LB: I don’t know enough about Tosh. I haven’t seen Tosh, you know, when he hit. You know, by the time Daniel hit I was on the road so much that I have been… I’ve rarely seen his comedy. MS: Steve Martin? LB: What’s the word I’m looking for — something nobody will remember — he’s like those guys… what’s that group of painters? Not Surrealist… Dada. He’s like the Dadaism of comedy. MS: Cheech and Chong? LB: (long laughing spell) They just make me laugh. MS: Richard Pryor. LB: Pryor was one of those guys who took comedy to another level. MS: Mitch Hedberg. LB: Comedy on acid. Good acid. Good LSD. MS: Mike Birbiglia. LB: Sweetly funny. Which is a contradiction. MS: Joan Rivers? LB: Joan Rivers is the sharpest tack in town.

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MS: Bob Newhart. LB: If Jack Benny had a bastard son. MS: Brian Regan. LB: Brian Regan is a stone-cold, solid comic. MS: Kinison. LB: He had a rage that lit up the sky. MS: Garry Shandling. LB: Garry Shandling. It’s a surprise every time he opens his mouth. And his show, “The Larry Sanders Show” was really a breakthrough in the sitcom. My favorite best up-and-coming comic is Kathleen Madigan. We’ve been good friends for a long time. She dragged me into the f--k--g Twitter thing. MS: Who is your opener? LB: John Bowman, who is the first guy who took me on tour with him. He worked on my show and he’s always helped me structure the act a lot. He really is tremendous at punching up what the f--k I’m going for. He helps focus me, but his comedy is… he’s fearless. Seriously fearless. MS: What has being on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” done for your career? LB: It’s like having an advertisement. It’s like being on the Super Bowl. MS: You’re on “The Daily Show” yelling and screaming non-stop. Your standup is a lot calmer. I think it will surprise people. LB: Standup is more shaped. That’s two minutes. I’d be dead otherwise. I think there’s a lot more screaming this time (chuckles). I usually yell for a while, but then I find I think the screaming becomes less effective (chuckles) over time if you do it for 70 minutes. Thank you very much. Bye bye.

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R.U.N.E

LERALYNN

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED

Never judge a book by its cover. Sure, it’s an old saying, but it’s especially apt when talking about Athens-based Lera Lynn. Beautiful? Absolutely. But within that beauty lies a teensy bit of a dark side, if one of her most well-known tunes, “Bobby, Baby,” is any indication. The opening guitar chords are straight out of a scary movie — you know, the scene in which you know something bad is right around the corner — and the first line, “There’s a bump on the hill where your body lies,” only confirms the listener’s suspicions. That song won Lynn all kinds of awards, including the 2011 Chris Austin Songwriting Competition at Merlefest and Best Alt Country Song in the 10th Annual Independent Music Awards Vox Pop poll. “Bobby, Baby” is off Lynn’s 2011 release “Have You Met Lera Lynn?” and she won Best Americana Artist by Athens’ Flagpole magazine on the strength of it. Next up for Lynn is the release of “Ring of Fire,” on which she covers one of Johnny Cash’s most famous songs. Sounds right up her alley. Lera Lynn w/ Shaun Piazza, the Ramblin’ Fevers Sky City | Saturday, February 4 Doors, 8 p.m.| music, 9:30 p.m. | $5

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METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 21

ENTERTAINMENT p.m. at the Morris Museum of Art, and features music performed by Dr. Stewart Shevitz and Lynda Shevitz. Reception follows. Free for invited guests and museum members. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. CSRA King of the World Elvis Impersonator Contest is Friday, February 3-Saturday, February 4, at VFW Post 3200. Preliminaries are Friday at 7 p.m. and Saturday at 2 p.m. Finals are Saturday at 8 p.m. Call 803-221-3200. Magellan String Quartet, featuring works by Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy, Ravel and Bartok, performs Friday, February 3, at 7:30 p.m. at Covenant Presbyterian Church. Free. Call 706-7330513 or visit covenantaugusta.org. Aleksey Igudesman and Richard Hyung-ki Joo perform Friday, February 3, at 8 p.m. at the USC-Aiken’s Etherredge Center in a program that combines comedy, classical music and popular culture. $40. Call 803-641-3305 or visit usca.edu. Master Class, featuring the Magellan String Quartet, is Saturday, February 4, at 10:30 a.m. at Covenant Presbyterian Church. Free. Call 706-733-0513 or visit covenantaugusta.org. Experience the music of Handel, Vivaldi and more when the Metropolitan Opera’s production of “The Enchanted Island” is streamed live on Wednesday, February 8, at 6:30 p.m. at Regal Augusta Exchange Stadium 20 & IMAX. The pastiche involves a fantastic story modeled after Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” and “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” $18-$24. Visit regmovies.com.

Arts

Artist Talk with Ted Saupe is Thursday, February 2, from 3:30-5 p.m. at Augusta State University’s University Hall, Room 170. Reception to follow. Call 706-6674888 or visit aug.edu. State of the Black Arts in the CSRA Address, featuring President of the CSRA African American Arts Alliance Anthony R. Page, is Friday, February 3, from 6-9 p.m. at 601 Broad Street, second floor. The event will include networking, the address, a town hall meeting afterwards and a performance by spoken word artist Clifford C. Boyd. $5. Email blackartscsra@gmail.com or info@ csraafricanamericanartsalliance.org. Art NOW!, featuring a conversation with contemporary artist Marcus Kenney, is Thursday, February 9, at 6 p.m. at 22 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

the Morris Museum of Art. Kenney will discuss his radical collages and assemblages. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org.

Exhibitions

Cathy Tiller exhibit, featuring abstract art inspired by Life, opens Friday, February 3, at Gallery on the Row, 1016 Broad Street. Call 706-724-4989. Drawing on the Past shows through February 9 at the Mary S. Byrd Gallery of Art at Augusta State University and features the work of artist Ted Saupe. Call 706-667-4888 or visit aug.edu. African American Trailblazers of Augusta shows through March 31 at the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History. Call Christine Miller-Betts at 706-724-3576 or email cbetts@lucycraftlaneymuseum.com.

LeMay Art Exhibit shows February 2-February 28 at the Aiken Center for the Arts, and features the work of local artists Ann and Bill LeMay. Call Mary McCullah at 803-278-0709 or visit aikenartistguild.org. Drawing on the Past shows through February 9 at the Mary S. Byrd Gallery of Art at Augusta State University, and features the work of artist Ted Saupe. Call 706-667-4888 or visit aug.edu. Lenn Hopkins exhibit, featuring work inspired by images and lifestyles of the rural south, shows at Sacred Heart Cultural Center through February 29. Call 706-8264700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org.

Music

Art as a Window to the Mind: The Music and Mystique of Johnny Mercer is Thursday, February 2, from 6-8:30

Symphony Orchestra of Augusta, featuring flutist Wendy Cohen and harpist Vonda Darr, performs Saturday, February 4, at 7:30 p.m. at the Jabez Sanford Hardin Performing Arts Center inside the Columbia County Library. $15. Call 706826-4705 or visit soaugusta.org. Simple Gifts, an Emily and Herbert Fincher Memorial Fine Arts Concert Series performance by Lyric Intermezzo, is Sunday, February 5, at 3 p.m. at Aiken First Baptist Church. Free and open to the public. Call 803-648-5476 or visit fbcaiken.org. Tuesday’s Music Live, featuring Rivien, is Tuesday, February 7, at noon in the nave of St. Paul’s Church downtown. Lunch, catered by Crums on Central, follows the concert. Lunch, $10, is by advanced reservation only. Call 706-722-3463 or visit tuesdaysmusiclive.com. 2012 Winter Jam Tour: Christian Music’s Largest Annual Tour, featuring Skillet, is Thursday, February 9, at 7 p.m. at the James Brown Arena. Free, but a $10 donation at the door is requested. Call V. 23 | NO. 05

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TABLE of CONTENTS

valentine’s day treats 04 - CHOCOLATE MYTHS BUSTED - QUEEN OF HEART’S TARTS - TURTLE CHEESECAKE - FAST CHOCOLATE FACTS - TASTY WAYS TO TELL YOUR FAMILY ‘I LOVE YOU’ someone’s in the kitchen - BONDING WITH KIDS - GETTING STARTED - FEBRUARY IS BAKE FOR FAMILY FUN MONTH

keeping the romance alive

fall in love with reading

GoodBoats: Paddling for a Purpose First Annual Dragon Boat Festival April 28, 2012 at Lake Olmstead, Augusta, GA Info: 706-650-5760 or dragonboat@goodwillworks.org www.facebook.com/GoodBoats

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COVER DESIGN | GABRIELVEGA Metro Augusta Parent is a monthly magazine published for area parents. The views do not necessarily represent the views of the publisher. Visit us at metrospirit.com.© 15 House, LLC. Owner/Publisher: Joe White. Legal: Phillip Scott Hibbard. Reproduction or use without permission is prohibited. One copy per person, please.

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VALEN VALEN VALEN

Chocolate Myths Busted!

Queen of Heart’s Tarts

Myth: Chocolate will make you jittery since it’s loaded with caffeine.

Ingredients 5 egg yolks 3 cups all-purpose flour 1 cup of butter, softened 1/2 cup of sugar 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract 2 egg whites, lightly beaten 1/3 cup ground walnuts 1 1/2 cups seedless raspberry jam

Seize the Snickers; grab the Godiva: Chocolate ain’t as bad as you think.

Fact: A 1.4 ounce piece of milk chocolate has about 6 mg. of caffeine (about the same as a cup of decaffeinated coffee), whereas a cup of regular coffee has between 65 and 150 mg. of caffeine.

Hearts will be stolen with these delicious cookies.

TRE TRE

Myth: Chocolate will raise the roof on your cholesterol levels.

Fact: Although chocolate contains saturated fats, it hasn’t been shown to raise blood cholesterol levels. In fact, it contains antioxidants that may reduce the rate of heart disease. Myth: Chocolate is addictive.

Fact: Craving a Kit Kat? Although you may get twitchy every time you pass by a vending machine, chocolate is not addictive. However, women may have strong cravings for chocolate before and during menstruation. The good news is that chocolate contains magnesium that eases the symptoms of PMS. Myth: Chocolate is terrible for the complexion.

Fact: Don’t blame your outbreaks on the Butterfingers. There is no relationship between chocolate and pimples.

You’ll also need two heart-shaped cookie cutters. One should be slightly larger than the other. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, mix the first five ingredients and knead to form a soft dough. Chill for 30 minutes. On a floured surface, roll the dough out to 1/8-inch thickness. You’re going to be making cookie sandwiches. Cut out dough into hearts with the larger cookie cutter. Take half of heart-shaped dough pieces and cut an additional heart into the dough with the smaller cookie cutter. (The dough pieces with one heart will be the bottoms of the sandwiches and the pieces with two hearts will be the tops.) Brush tops with egg whites. Mix walnuts with two tablespoons of sugar and sprinkle on cookie tops. Place tops and bottoms on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes. Let cool and spread bottom hearts with jam and put the tops on. Makes 25 cookies.

Turtle Cheesecake

A yummy dessert for a Valentine dinner.

Ingredients 2 cups vanilla wafer crumbs 2 tablespoons unsalted butter 14 ounces individually wrapped caramels 1 5-ounce) can evaporated milk 1 cup chopped pecans 1/2 cup white sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 2 eggs 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips 2 8-ounce packages cream cheese, softened

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Melt the butter and combine with the cookie crumbs, pressing into the bottom of a nineinch spring form pan. Melt the caramels with the evaporated milk in a heavy saucepan over low heat. Stir until smooth. Pour caramel sauce into crust, and top with pecans. In a large bowl, combine cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla and beat until 4

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

smooth. Add eggs one at a time, mixing after adding each egg. Melt the chocolate chips (see sidebar) and blend into cream cheese mixture. Pour chocolate batter over pecans. Bake for 40 minutes. When done, loosen cake from the edges of pan, but do not remove until cooled. Chill in the refrigerator overnight.

PARENT ISSUE | FEBRUARY 2012

NTINE NTINE NTINE Fast Chocolate Facts

Tasty Ways To Tell Your Family “I Love You”

Forty percent of all women and 15 percent of all men describe themselves as chocoholics. Chocolate was mainly consumed as a drink until about 1830. Montezuma always drank copious amounts of chocolate before he entered his harem. A four-ounce bar of chocolate can kill a five-pound dog. Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the shower scene in the movie “Psycho.”

Wiggle your way into their affections with strawberry Jello-jigglers cut into heart shapes. Top off with a dollop of whipped cream. Love Potion No. 9 makes everyone’s hearts go pitter-patter. Put 1/2 cup of slightly thawed frozen strawberries, 1/2 cup of slightly thawed frozen raspberries and 1 cup of apple juice into the blender, blending until well mixed. Garnish with maraschino cherries.

EATS EATS Pamper them with pancakes from the heart. Add a few drops of red food coloring to the pancake batter. Cut cooked pancakes into hearts using a cookie cutter. Top with powdered sugar, strawberries and whipped cream.

Tips for Using Chocolate in Recipes Chocolate is as temperamental as it is tempting. One wrong move on the stove and chocolate’s silky texture can turn into a muddy mess. Here are Any cookie can be from Cupid when you paint it with edible red paint. Mix some tips that will make your chocolate recipes a success instead of a one egg yolk, 1 teaspoon of water, and red food coloring that can be disappointment. brushed on your favorite sugar cookies before baking. STORAGE: Store chocolate in a cool, dry place. If stored in the refrigerator, cover it tightly in foil and plastic wrap as chocolate will easily absorb odors such as leftovers from last night’s fish fry. If a grayish, white film appears on chocolate, (called a bloom) it doesn’t mean that it’s gone bad on you. It just means the chocolate has undergone temperature changes. The bloom will disappear when the chocolate is melted.

MELTING: Always grate, shave or finely chop the chocolate before applying heat so it won’t separate. There are several ways to melt chocolate. The gentlest way is to place the chocolate in a metal bowl and place that bowl in a larger bowl that is filled with hot water, just short of boiling. Take care not to splash any water into the bowl with chocolate and stir the chocolate until it melts. Another method is to constantly stir the chocolate over very low heat in a saucepan and remove from burner when chocolate has melted about two-thirds of the way. Continue stirring until completely melted. It can also be melted on the top of a double boiler on very low heat or melted in the microwave by stirring every ten seconds until completely melted.

Say, “Be mine” with a basketful of heart-shaped bread. Refrigerated bread-stick dough can be shaped into hearts and then brushed with a mixture of an egg and a tablespoon of water. Place on cookie sheet sprayed with vegetable oil spray, and bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees.

Hearts will flutter with finger sandwiches made with a mixture of strawberry jam and cream cheese spread on white bread. Remove the crust and cut the bread into the shape of a heart.

There’s nothing more divine than a batch of double-dipped strawberries. Melt 8 ounces of chopped semi-sweet chocolate and 8 ounces of chopped white chocolate in separate double boilers until smooth. Dip strawberry into semi-sweet chocolate and put on wax paper until chocolate is set. Dip same strawberry into white chocolate and place on wax paper. Alternate the order you dip the remaining strawberries (about a quart will do nicely) into the chocolates so some will be dark and some will be white. Chill until ready to serve.

SEIZING: Chocolate has a tendency to seize when it’s being cooked, which means it can turn into a big old grainy lump of chocolate that cannot be melted down. This most often happens if water gets into the chocolate while melting and even a drop of water can make your chocolate a mess. To avoid seizing, keep chocolate absolutely dry while melting. Use a metal spoon instead of a wooden one, as wooden spoons retain moisture. Never cover melted chocolate as this can cause condensation inside the bowl, causing chocolate to seize. There’s no foolproof way of saving chocolate that has seized but you can try vigorously whisking in one teaspoon of vegetable oil to every eight ounces of chocolate to see if it will even out.

FEBRUARY 2012 | PARENT ISSUE

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.2012

Someone’s in the Kitchen

Valentine’s Day — the perfect time for parents to bond with their kids in the kitchen But, Stewart added, patience is the key whenever the kids are in the kitchen. “Just get your mind around the fact that it’s going to take a little longer and you have to be a little more patient,” she said. Above all, Stewart warned against forcing children to cook if they’re not interested. “If they really want to do it, I think that’s the key,” she said. “It’s a time to bond with your child, and if that’s not the niche, then you’re defeating the purpose.”

Getting Started

Passing cooking skills and recipes down from generation to generation used to be the norm. That’s certainly the way Vera Stewart, owner of the nationally recognized Very Vera’s, learned to cook. “I’m named after my grandmother and I wanted to be just like her,” Stewart said. “I was probably more like 7 (years old) when I showed an interested in cooking, and it was more due to the fact that that’s what my grandmother wanted to do and, when I went to visit her, that’s what she wanted to do, so that’s what I wanted to do.” Stewart went on to major in and teach home economics, where she learned practical skills such as planning a week’s worth of menus during the weekend and using that meal plan to make a shopping list. When her two sons were small, she even posted the week’s menu on the refrigerator. But that was before the era of the two-income household and before children had so many extracurricular activities that they didn’t get home until almost bedtime. Stewart says she sees two things happening today — mothers (and fathers) are cooking less and the Food Network has increased children’s interest in cooking. It has led, she said, to the rather unusual situation of children asking their parents to teach them how to cook, and parents being total unprepared as to how to proceed. That interest, Stewart continued, won’t stay

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

around for long. “Children are not going to be interested if their mothers are not interested,” she explained. “I’m seeing more and more of this.” And, she added, cooking isn’t just for girls anymore. Her two sons didn’t help prepare food on a daily basis, but they did during the holidays. “For my sons, every holiday had something that was going on in the kitchen,” she said. “And, as it turns out, they both like to be around the kitchen, and they enjoy being in the kitchen.” Stewart offers summer cooking camps at Very Vera’s for kids ages 8 and up, and says that boys’ participation in the these camps is increasing, amounting in one instance to 25 percent of the class’ enrollment. Getting back to basics With proper preparation, a little lower expectations and a grasp of what kids can and can’t do at certain ages, parents and children can actually have a great time in the kitchen. But how do families who don’t currently spend much time cooking go about getting started? Stewart says there are some easy ways, the first of which is finding a good cookbook. Betty Crocker, the old standby, is always good, and Stewart says her camps also use <italics>Better Homes and Gardens New Junior Cookbook<italics> (as well as the adult version for the older kids) and <italics>The Everything Kids

Cookbook<italics>. One thing Stewart says not to do is start out with baking. There’s too much chemistry, and it’s too much of an exact science. “Baking is the hardest thing in our kitchen,” she said. “There’s a lot of artistry in baking and it really takes a knack. That is where you end up with failure, and then they don’t want to do it anymore.” Rather, she suggested starting out simply and recommended puff pastry, which can be found in the freezer section of most grocery stores, as an allpurpose ingredient that kids can have fun with. “Anything wrapped in pastry, a child’s going to want to eat it,” Stewart laughed. “They can make their own recipe, it doesn’t take long to bake and the ingredients can be sweet or savory. There’s no chemistry involved, and most kids are really enthralled with the way that it looks.” Other good starting points are baked potatoes, which can be hollowed out and filled with a variety of ingredients, or muffin mixes in which the ingredients can be combined by hand rather than using a mixer. Stewart added that kitchen instruction should include etiquette and proper table setting, and she also suggested setting aside one night a week, perhaps during the weekend, for the kids to play a major role in the preparation of the evening meal.

These resources have lots of kidfriendly recipes. •Cooking Rocks! Rachael Ray 30-Minute Meals for Kids. She may be annoying, but the Food Network’s Rachael Ray’s has put together a cookbook for kids that really does rock. Parents, take the time to read her “Heads Up to Grown-Ups” for tips like never speaking harshly to children unless they are in immediate danger (starting a recipe over is preferable to making a child feel self-conscious for adding too much flour or spilling something). Recipes are divided into sections by age, the pictures and artwork are fun and the finished products are delicious (pasta, cheese and trees is a standout). Rachael loves butter and olive oil way too much, but our testers substituted cooking spray in several instances with little noticeable differences. •The Mix-It-Up Cookbook. From the American Girl Library, this short cookbook is aimed at tween- and early teen-girls. Mix-It-Up includes an especially helpful checklist that kitchen newbies go through with a parent, noting what equipment they’re allowed to use in what instances (by themselves, with a parent or never) and what skills they should know or may need to be shown. The recipes allow for a lot of creativity, showing new cooks the basic recipe for, say, scrambled eggs, then giving them several ideas of ingredients to add to the basic recipe, as well as an area to note their own ideas. It also includes kitchen care and table-setting basics sections. PARENT ISSUE | FEBRUARY 2012

Safety Tips for Cooking with Kids

Safety first!

Making cooking a family sport may sound like a lot of fun, but fear sometimes keeps parents from involving the whole brood. If you’ve ever wondered when it’s safe to let your child near a stove, knife or raw chicken, hear are some tips on what children can, generally, do in the kitchen at what age. These are suggestions from Kraft’s website, kraftrecipes.com, which also includes safety rules for kids and caregivers. Find all this information by searching for “Kids in the Kitchen” from the homepage. At 3 years, your child can… •Wash fruits and vegetables •Stir ingredients in a bowl •Tear lettuce •Pour liquids

Cleanliness is a must. Teach your children to wash their hands with soap and water before starting any cooking project, and after handling any raw foods like eggs or meat. You might want to also stress the importance of rewashing hands after stopping to pet the dog, answer the phone or blowing a nose. Get permission. Children should never cook without first getting adult permission at least, supervision at best. Gather your ingredients first. Before

calling your little chefs into the kitchen, gather all your ingredients together first. It will help you avoid any catastrophes when you turn your back for a moment to grab a spoon, as well as prevent forgetting to add any ingredients in the chaos of having so much “help.” Don’t eat raw dough. Although we all did it as children, we’re not dealing with the same germs anymore. Set a good example, protect your children’s health and forego that batter-covered beater.

Teach children about burn safety. From using oven mitts to turning pot handles to the rear of the stove, there are a number of lessons to be taught about preventing cooking-related burns. Your children don’t have to learn the hard way. Demonstrate proper utensil use. Before handing your children any kitchen utensils, demonstrate their proper use. Even plastic knives and cheese graters can injure little hands if not used correctly.

February is Bake for Family Fun Month Pull out your apron and dust off your rolling pin. February has been designated by the Home Baking Association (homebaking.org) as Bake for Family Fun Month. Baking is a fun and inexpensive activity to enjoy as a family. Not only are you creating lifelong memories, baking is also a great way to introduce children to some of the fundamentals of math and science. Younger children can count out the proper number of eggs and help pour and stir. Preschoolers can measure the wet and dry ingredients. Older children can see a hands-on science project, watching the interaction of yeast with water and air that makes a loaf of bread rise. Need some more inspiration? The Home Baking Association site offers a number of fun kidfriendly recipes, cooking tips and creative ideas for exposing your kids to the joys of baking.

FEBRUARY 2012 | PARENT ISSUE

At 4 years, your child can… •Grease pans •Open packages •Peel oranges or hard-cooked eggs •Snip fresh herbs with dull scissors •Mash bananas with a fork At 5-6 years, your child can… •Measure ingredients •Cut soft foods with a blunt knife •Set the table •Garnish food At 7-8 years, your child can… •Help plan the meal •Roll and shape cookies •Beat ingredients with a whisk •Find ingredients in a cabinet or spice rack •Make a salad At 9-12 years, your child can… •Open cans •Use a microwave oven •Prepare simple recipes with few ingredients •Use an oven (with supervision) •Use a knife (with supervision) •Shred cheese and vegetables At 13-16 years, your child can… •Prepare recipes with multiple ingredients •Prepare recipes independently METRO SPIRIT 02.02.2012

Keeping the Romance Alive How to balance marriage and family

Chances are, in the early days of your relationship, you and your sweetie never imagined how your life would change once the kids came along. A quiet, romantic dinner suddenly interrupted by the sound of a sick child vomiting. Silk lingerie replaced by a grungy nursing bra and a pair of his sweatpants. Even though you’re not as free to dash off to a bed and breakfast on a whim or even know for certain you’ll have a whole interrupted night to yourselves in bed, it doesn’t mean romance is dead. In fact, the experts agree it’s more important now than ever to maintain a strong romantic relationship. Not only does a strong relationship lead to satisfaction among you and your spouse, it also sends an important message to your children. Though they’ll

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

PARENT ISSUE | FEBRUARY 2012

never admit it, it makes children feel secure know their parents are still in love. If the only action in your bedroom these days involve sibling arguments over who gets to sleep next to Mommy, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s probably time for a change. Valentineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day is the perfect time for you and your sweetie to reconnect and remember why you fell in love in the first place. For those needing a little guidance, there are a number of resources available. A few standout examples include: 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance by Laura Corn ($29.95). This book contains ideas for surprise romantic evenings you and your partner can share. Couples choose from 101 sealed instructions for romantic dates they will later surprise their partner with. Ideas include everything from quiet candlelit evenings at home to trips to a museum, picnic dinners to weekend getaways. All are categorized by price and level of preparation. Rekindling Romance for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer ($21.99). Written by the guru of all things sexual, this addition to the Dummies series of books offers a wealth of information and advice on falling in love with your partner all over again. Hit the bookstore, hire a babysitter for the evening, and see if you and your partner can rediscover what it was like to just spend an evening together, long before the days of diapers and soccer practice.

FEBRUARY 2012 | PARENT ISSUE

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.2012

Fall in Love with Reading

No candy for your kids this Valentine’s Day? They’ll love this book almost as much. “The Story of Ferdinand,” by Munro Leaf with drawings by Robert Lawson I had never heard of this 1936 book until my mother found a copy and gave it to my daughter. I must be the only one, though, because it’s one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, won a short-film Oscar for Walt Disney in 1938 and has been name-checked in everything from movies to tattoos. And there’s a good reason. The story about a Spanish bull who’d rather sniff flowers under a tree instead of fight in the ring is sweet, funny and one that appeals to both boys

10 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

and girls, children and adults. Actually, there are two good reasons for the book’s success, the other being the illustrations. The ones of Ferdinand sitting under a tree are so beautiful and sweet, they’ll make you want to cry. In fact, making it through this book without tearing up just a little is almost an impossible feat. For adults, that is. The kids will just find it fun.

PARENT ISSUE | FEBRUARY 2012

FEBRUARY 2012 | PARENT ISSUE

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.2012 11

877-4AUGTIX or visit georgialinatix.com. The Temptations, presented by Pops! at the Bell, is Thursday, February 9, at 7:30 p.m. at Bell Auditorium. $13-$36. Patrons are asked to bring donations of non-perishable food items for the Golden Harvest Food Bank. Call 706-826-4705 or visit soaugusta.org. Lovers & Heroes of Broadway & Beyond, featuring Master tenor Stig Rossen, is Thursday, February 9, and Friday, February 10, at 8 p.m. at the URS Center for the Performing Arts in

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Aiken. $40. Call 803-643-4774 or visit aikenperformingartsgroup.org.

Literary

Craft Talk and Poetry Workshop with poet Craig Blais, winner of the 2012 Felix Pollak Prize in Poetry, is Thursday, February 16, from noon-2 p.m. at Augusta State University (Butler Meeting Room, Jaguar Student Activities Center). Free and open to the public. Pre-registration required. Call Anna Harris at 706-7292508 or email aharri31@aug.edu.

Theater

“The Ties That Bind: From Africa to Freedom,” an orginal production of Davidson Fine Arts students, is Thursday, February 2, and Friday, February 3, at 7 p.m. in the school’s theater. $8, adults; $7, military and seniors; $6, children and non-DFA students; $5, DFA students. Call 706-823-6924 or visit davidson.rcboe.org. Adult auditions for “The Sound of Music,” presented by The Augusta Players, are Friday, February 3, at 7:30 p.m. at Wesley United Methodist Church in Evans. Children’s auditions are Saturday, February 4, at 10 a.m. Performers can

have no conflicts between April 28-May 6. Visit augustaplayers.org. The Columbia County Amateur Series is looking for acts to perform at the Columbia County Amphitheater. Signup continues through March 31. Call 706-868-3349 or email ccook@ columbiacountyga.gov.

Flix

“Marian Anderson: A Portrait in Music” shows Thursday, February 2, at noon at Headquarters Branch Library. Bring your lunch. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 23

“Hail the Conquering Hero,” nominated for a 1944 Academy Award for best original screenplay, shows Friday, February 3, at noon at the Morris Museum of Art. Museum Director Kevin Grogan will lead a discussion following the film. Participants are invited to bring a lunch. Free. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Movie Night OUT!: “Chronicle,” an event for members of LGBT community and their friends and families, is Saturday, February 4, at 6 p.m. at Regal Augusta Exchange Stadium 20 & IMAX. Visit fandango.com/chronicle_147086/ movieoverview. “El Bulli: Cooking in Progress,” presented by the ASU Spring Film Series 2012, shows Monday, February 6, at 7 p.m. at Augusta State University (University Hall, Room 170). $2. Free with valid Jag Card. Call 706-729-2416 or visit aug.edu. “The Wedding Date” shows Tuesday, February 7, from 5:30-8 p.m. at Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-722-6275 or visit ecgrl.org.

24 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

International Film Festival, sponsored by USC-Aiken’s Department of Languages, Literature and Culture, features the German film “Der Tunnel” on Tuesday, February 7, and Thursday, February 9, from 6:30-9:30 p.m., at USC-Aiken’s Peland Building (Room 106). $1-$2. Call 803-641-3569 or visit usca.edu.

augustaentertainmentcomplex.com.

“The Enchanted Island,” presented by Opera Shows Streamed Live from The Met, shows Wednesday, February 8, at 6:30 p.m. at Regal Augusta Exchange Stadium 20 & IMAX. $18-$24. Visit regmovies.com.

Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Barnum Bash is Thursday, February 2-Sunday, February 5, at the James Brown Arena, and features international acts The Mighty Dymtrio, The Havana Troupe and more. $21-$37. Call 877-4AUGTIX or visit georgialinatix.com.

“Ralph Ellison: The Self-Taught Writer” shows Thursday, February 9, at noon at Headquarters Branch Library. Bring your lunch. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist” shows Thursday, February 9, from 5:30-8 p.m. at Wallace Branch Library. Pre-registration required. Call 706-7226275 or visit ecgrl.org.

Special Events

Elephant Brunch is Thursday, February 2, at 10:30 a.m. at the James Brown Arena by the Champions Box Office. Free and open to the public. Visit

First Thursday in Midtown is February 2 from 5-8 p.m. and proceeds will benefit the Augusta Choral Society. Event includes art, food, beverages, music and more. Call 706-826-4713 or visit augustachoralsociety.org.

The 191st Convention of the Episcopal Diocese of Georgia is Thursday, February 2-Saturday, February 4, at St. Paul’s Church downtown, and features Evensong with the St. Paul’s Choir on Thursday at 6 p.m. and The Holy Eucharist on Friday at 5 p.m. Visit convention.georgiaepiscopal.org. Uptown Down South Preview Party at the Antiques in the Heart of Aiken Show & Sale is Thursday, February 2, from 7-9 p.m. at the Aiken Center for the Arts, and features Southern desserts, champagne and live music. $70 admission includes a

weekend show pass. Call 803-641-9094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. First Friday, featuring food, live music and extended-hours shopping, is February 3 from 5-9 p.m. in downtown Augusta. Visit augustaarts.com. First Friday Inshop Wine Tasting, featuring six wines, is Friday, February 3, from 5-8 p.m. at Wine World, in North Augusta. $5, including a $3 rebate on the purchase of any featured wines. Call 803-279-9522 or visit wineworldsc.com. Dinner and Dance Night at Casa Blanca Cafe, featuring live music by Karen Gordon, is at 5:30 p.m. Call 706-5043431 or visit casablancatime.com. 13th Annual Antiques in the Heart of Aiken Show & Sale, featuring 23 dealers from New York to Texas, is Friday, February 3-Sunday, February 5, at the Aiken Center for the Arts. Times vary. $8 per person. Call 803-641-9094 or visit aikencenterforthearts.org. Red and White Ball, featuring music by Fusion Band, is Friday, February 3, at 7 p.m. at the Boathouse, 101 Riverfront Drive. Sponsored by Mt. Zion AME Zion

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Church, and hosted by Dr. Victor Wilson. $30-$50. Call 706-722-8586. Aiken Horsepower Cruise-In is Saturday, February 4, from 1-3 p.m. at Home Depot on Whiskey Road. Call 803-2703505 or visit aikenhorsepower.com. 6th Annual Heritage Gala, sponsored by the Lucy Craft Laney Museum of Black History, is Saturday, February 4, from 6-10 p.m. at the Augusta Marriott Hotel on the Riverwalk. This event features keynote speaker John W. Franklin, director of partnerships and international programs at the

Smithsonian National Museum of African America History and Culture, as well as dinner, live music and a silent auction. $75 per person. Call 706-724-3576 or visit lucycraftlaneymuseum.com.

$15. Call Lynn Mays Huff at 706-2310006 or visit missaugusta.org.

Georgia Bridal Show is Sunday, February 5, at 12:30 p.m. at Bell Auditorium. $10, cash only. Children ages 5 and under are free. Call 800-532-8917 or visit eliteevents.com.

Augusta State University Homecoming Kickoff is Monday, February 6, from noon-1 p.m. in the Jaguar Student Activities Center Breezeway, and features Mr. and Mrs. ASU candidates, and Pass the Paw competitors. Free. Events continue through Friday, February 10. Visit aug.edu.

2012 Miss Augusta, Miss Savannah River and Outstanding Teen Pageants are Sunday, February 5, at 2 p.m. at Greenbrier High Schoolâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s auditorium.

Paine College Homecoming Week is Monday, February 6-Thursday, February 9, and features various events on and off campus. Visit paine.edu.

2012 Conference on the Black Experience is Monday, February 6-Thursday, February 9, at Paine College, and features information on the roles Africana women played in shaping American culture. Dr. Beverly Guy-Sheftall, president of the National Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Studies Association, is the keynote speaker. $25-$100. Call 706821-8326 or visit paine.edu/cobe. Valentine Wine Tasting is Monday, February 6, at 5:30 p.m. at Ninth Street Wine Market. Call 706-724-1442. 12th Annual Masked Ball Video Contest,

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Black History, is Saturday, February 4, from 6-10 p.m. at the Augusta Marriott Hotel on the Riverwalk. This event features keynote speaker John W. Franklin, director of partnerships and international programs at the Smithsonian National Museum of African America History and Culture, as well as dinner, live music and a silent auction. $75 per person. Call 706-724-3576 or visit lucycraftlaneymuseum.com. Georgia Bridal Show is Sunday, February 5, at 12:30 p.m. at Bell Auditorium. $10, cash only. Children ages 5 and under are free. Call 800-532-8917 or visit eliteevents.com. 2012 Miss Augusta, Miss Savannah River and Outstanding Teen Pageants are Sunday, February 5, at 2 p.m. at Greenbrier High School’s auditorium. $15. Call Lynn Mays Huff at 706-231-

0006 or visit missaugusta.org. Augusta State University Homecoming Kickoff is Monday, February 6, from noon-1 p.m. in the Jaguar Student Activities Center Breezeway, and features Mr. and Mrs. ASU candidates, and Pass the Paw competitors. Free. Events continue through Friday, February 10. Visit aug.edu. Paine College Homecoming Week is Monday, February 6-Thursday, February 9, and features various events on and off campus. Visit paine.edu. 2012 Conference on the Black Experience is Monday, February 6-Thursday, February 9, at Paine College, and features information on the roles Africana women played in shaping American culture. Dr. Beverly Guy-Sheftall, president of the National

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Women’s Studies Association, is the keynote speaker. $25-$100. Call 706821-8326 or visit paine.edu/cobe. Valentine Wine Tasting is Monday, February 6, at 5:30 p.m. at Ninth Street Wine Market. Call 706-724-1442. 12th Annual Masked Ball Video Contest, sponsored by Paine College, ends Monday, February 6, at midnight. Contest participants are asked to upload a video of them singing their favorite Ohio Players song. The participant with the most views on the Paine College YouTube Channel wins a pair of tickets, dinner and a limo ride to the Scholarship Masked Ball on Friday, February 10. Call 706396-7561 or visit paine.edu. An Evening of Italian Food and Wine, presented by Savannah River Chapter Tasters Guild, is Tuesday, February 7, at 7:30 p.m. at Casa Bella Italian Restaurant in Aiken. $60-$65 per person. Paid reservations required. Call 803-2799522 or visit wineworldsc.com. Thrift Shop Fashion Show is Wednesday, February 8, from 11 a.m.-1 p.m. at the Fort Gordon Thrift Shop, Building 39102 (behind the PX). Call Christie Wilder at 254-217-1595 or email fgscc2ndvice@ yahoo.com. Savannah River Site Citizens Advisory Board Committee Meetings are each Tuesday in

February at the DOE Meeting Center, 230 Village Green Blvd., in Aiken. Agenda topics include strategic and legacy management, facilities disposition and site remediation, waste management and nuclear materials. Call 803-952-7884. AARP Tax Help is offered through February on Monday, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m., at Euchee Creek Branch Library; Tuesday and Thursday, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m., at the Columbia County Library; Wednesday-Friday, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m., at the Headquarters Branch Library; Thursday, from noon-4 p.m., and FridaySaturday, from 10 a.m.-2 p.m., at Maxwell Library. Visit ecgrl.org. Call for applications: the Fort Gordon Spouses and Civilians Club funds, services or supplies to deserving organizations or individuals as part of their Grants and Services program. Previous recipients have included local high school JROTC programs, the Fisher House, Fort Gordon Christmas House, the local Veteran’s Administration, children and women charities and other organizations that foster self-growth and development or support the military community. Deadline: March 1. Call Debbie Franco at 706-4957181 or visit fgscc.com. The 2012 Miss Georgia Peach Scholarship Competition is Saturday, March 17, at the Pettigrew Center at

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$995 Pre-pay for a complete Direct Cremation 26 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

706.798.8886 for details V. 23 | NO. 05

Fort Valley State University. Georgia girls, ages 4-24, are eligible. Entry deadline is March 10. Visit missgeorgiapeach.org.

Health Cribs for Kids, presented by Safe Kids East Central, is Thursday, February 2, from 5:45-8 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Children’s Medical Center (Building 1010C), and features information on how to provide safe sleeping environments for children. $10 per child, and includes a portable crib, fitted sheet, sleep sac and pacifier. Preregistration required. Call Rene Hopkins at 706-721-7606 or visit georgiahealth. org/safekids. Center for Women Tour is Thursday, February 2, from 7-8 p.m. at Doctors Hospital (Medical Office Building 1, Suite 310). Pre-registration required. Call 706651-BABY or visit doctors-hospital.net. Baby Care Basics and Breastfeeding is Friday, February 3, at 9 a.m. at Trinity Hospital of Augusta. Visit trinityofaugusta.com. Saturday Express Lamaze Childbirth Preparation, featuring information on the final stages of pregnancy, is Saturday, February 4, from 8:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. at Trinity Hospital of Augusta. Visit trinityofaugusta.com. Disaster-Relief Training Courses are Saturday, February 4, at Trinity on the Hill United Methodist Church. Course subjects and times vary. $10-$25. Visit trinityonthehill.net. Cardio on the Canal, designed to promote heart health for families, is Saturday, February 4, at 10 a.m. at the Kroc Center, and features a one-mile fun run for children ages 5-10, a family walk along the canal and a Catch the Cardiologist contest for children ages 4 and younger. Free. Visit universityhealth.org. Look Good, Feel Better Workshop, to help female cancer patients cope with and combat appearance-related effects of chemo and radiation therapy, is Monday, February 6, from 3-4:30 p.m. V. 23 | NO. 05

at Doctors Hospital (Medical Office Building One, Classroom 2, Suite 110). Pre-registration required. Call 706-6514343 or visit doctors-hospital.net. Lymphedema Education Class is Tuesday, February 7, at noon at University Hospital Breast Health Center (Professional Center 2, Suite 205). Visit universityhealth.org. Total Joint Replacement Class is Tuesday, February 7, from 1-3 p.m. at University Hospital (Levi Hill III Auditorium). Free. Call April Matthews at 706-774-2760 or visit universityhealth.org. Fresh Start Smoking Cessation, a four-week course sponsored by the American Cancer Society, begins Tuesday, February 7, from 6-7 p.m. at University Hospital Cafeteria. Free. Pre-registration required. Call 706-774-8094 or visit universityhealth.org. The Daddy Class, featuring discussion on the joys and challenges of fatherhood and ways to support moms, is Tuesday, February 7, from 7-9 p.m. at Doctors Hospital (Medical Office Building 1, Suite 310). Pre-registration required. Call 706651-BABY or visit doctors-hospital.net. Safe Kids East Central Child Safety Seat Inspection is Wednesday, February 8, at the Columbia County Sheriff’s Office Substation, 650 Ronald Reagan Drive, in Evans. Call for an appointment. Free. Call 706-541-3970 or visit georgiahealth.org. Coronary Artery Disease, Heart Attack and CHF class is Wednesday, February 8, at 8:25 a.m., 9:25 a.m. and 1:55 p.m. at University’s Heart & Vascular Institute (Classroom 2, First Floor). Pre-registration required. Call 706-7743278 or visit universityhealth.org. Georgia Health Sciences Children’s Medical Center Car Seat Class is Thursday, February 9, from 5:45-8 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Building 1010C. $10. Financial assistance is available to Medicaid and Peach Care eligible families. Call 706-721-7606 or visit georgiahealth.org/kids.

Bariatric Seminar, with Drs. Michael Blaney and Darren Glass, is Thursday, February 9, from 6-7 p.m. at Doctors Hospital (South Tower, Classroom 1). Free. Pre-registration required. Call 706651-4343 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

ALS Support Lunch and Learn is Thursday, February 9, from 11 a.m.-2 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Medical Office Building, room 4306. Lunch is provided. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2681 or visit georgiahealth.org.

Georgia Health Sciences Weight Loss Seminar is Thursday, February 9, at 7 p.m. at the Columbia County Library in Evans. Free. Pre-registration required. Call 706-721-2609, or visit georgiahealth.org/weightloss.

Living Well with Diabetes Adult Support Group meets Thursday, February 9, at 5 p.m. at University Hospital Cafeteria (Dining Room 1). Call 706-868-3241 or visit universityhealth.org.

Support Weight Loss Support Group meets Thursday, February 2, at 7 p.m. at Trinity Hospital of Augusta (Sister Mary Louise Conference Room). Visit trinitybariatrics.com. The First Step Divorce Recovery Workshop will be held Sundays, February 5-March 11, at 4 p.m. at First Baptist Church. Free childcare provided. Workshop led by Dr. Wayne Hunsucker. Call 706-738-0443. Parents Healing Together, featuring support for parents, families and friends who have lost infants through miscarriage, death, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth, meets Monday, February 6, at 7 p.m. at University Hospital (Dining Room 2). Call 706-774-2751 or visit universityhealth.org. A-Team: Autism Spectrum Disorder Support and Resource Group meets Tuesday, February 7, from 6-7 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Children’s Medical Center (Family Resource Library, Room 1801). Parents, educators, community support representatives, caregivers, medical representatives and anyone affected by autism spectrum disorders are invited to attend. Call 706-721-5160 or email ddrakele@ georgiahealth.edu. CSRA Huntington’s Disease Support Group meets Tuesday, February 7, from 6:30-8 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Movement Disorders Clinic Conference Room. Call 706-721-2798 or visit georgiahealth.org.

Breast Cancer Support Group is Thursday, February 9, from 5:307:30 p.m. at Georgia Health Sciences Cancer Center (First Floor, Community Room). Call 706-721-4109 or visit georgiahealth.org. Cancer Survivor Support Group meets Thursday, February 9, from 6-7 p.m. at Augusta Oncology Associates (upstairs), and features support for cancer survivors and their families. Sponsored by Doctors Hospital. Call 706-651-2283 or visit doctors-hospital.net.

Education Genealogy Research in Richmond County is Thursday, February 2, at 2 p.m. at Headquarters Branch Library. Call 706821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org. The Winning Game Plan interest meeting is Thursday, February 2, at 6 p.m. at Augusta State University (room 170, University Hall), and features information about a four-week summer bridge program for African-American, male, high school seniors who are graduating this spring. The program is sponsored by the University System of Georgia’s African American Male Initiative. Call ASU Admissions at 706-737-1685 or visit aug.edu. Computer Boot Camp: Introduction to Windows is Friday, February 3, at 10 a.m. at the Columbia County Library in Evans. Call 706-863-1946 or visit ecgrl.org. Expository Teaching and Preaching Workshop is Friday, February 3-Sunday, February 5, at the Path Worship Center and Miracle Making Ministries. METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 27

$65. Call 706-504-8077 or visit preachingandteachinghim.org.

at 6 p.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Free. Pre-registration required. Call 706772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

Return to the Well: 2012 Women’s Conference is Friday, February 3-Saturday, February 4, at Mount Transfiguration Baptist Church. Free. Call 803-278-4051. Family Reunion Workshop, presented by the Augusta Convention and Visitors Bureau, is Saturday, February 4, from 8 a.m.-1:30 p.m. at the Kroc Center. Attendees will learn to use ACVB resources to plan and achieve a successful family reunion. Free. Preregistration required. Call Ashton Randall at 706-823-6600 or visit augustaga.org. African-American History on the Web, featuring a guided tour of online resources, is Monday, February 6, from 4-5:30 p.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library. Free. Preregistration required. Call 706-772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org. Power Up! Your Social Strategy, a workshop featuring social networking and other online strategies to help you expand your business, is Tuesday, February 7, and Wednesday, February 8, at 8 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. at Be My Guest Catering. Free. Pre-registration required. Call 706823-3445, text “Power” to 70720 or visit augustachronicle.com/powerup. Beginner’s Computer class is Wednesday, February 8, at 10 a.m. at Headquarters Branch Library. Registration and a PINES card are required. Call 706-821-2600 or visit ecgrl.org.

Call for applications: the Fort Gordon Spouses and Civilians Club awards merit scholarships for graduating seniors, and to adults continuing their education. Scholarships are open to dependents of all military members and dependents of our civilian club members. Deadline: March 1. Call Debbie Windhorn at 706-364-8702 or visit fgscc.com.

Benefits Joe Lamp’l Lecture, presented by the Nola Falcone Speaker Series and Sacred Heart Garden Series, is Thursday, February 2, at 10 a.m. at the Augusta Country Club. $35. Pre-registration required. All proceeds benefit Sacred Heart Cultural Center. Call 706-8264700 or visit sacredheartaugusta.org.

Roots and Wings: Celebrating 40 Years of God’s Faithfulness: Westminster Schools of Augusta Annual Auction is Friday, February 3, at 6:30 p.m. at Sacred Heart Cultural Center. $50. All proceeds benefit the schools. Call 706-731-5260 or visit wsa.net.

Sports-Outdoors Augusta State Tennis vs. Young Harris is Friday, February 3, at 1 p.m. at the Newman Tennis Center. Call 706-7371626 or visit aug.edu. Augusta State Baseball vs. CarsonNewman is Friday, February 3, at 2 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. Call 706-7371626 or visit aug.edu. Waterfowl Walk, featuring a guided driving and walking tour, is Saturday, February 4, from 9 a.m.-noon at Phinizy Swamp Nature Park. $5. Pre-registration required. Call 706-828-2109 or email info@naturalsciencesacademy.org.

Sixth Annual Taste of Davidson is Thursday, February 2, from 5-6:30 p.m. at Davidson Fine Arts Magnet School. $10 for adults; $5 for children 12 and under. Call 706-823-6924 or visit davidson.rcboe.org.

Augusta State Baseball vs. CarsonNewman is Saturday, February 4, at 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. at Lake Olmstead Stadium. Call 706-737-1626 or visit aug.edu.

Black and Red Soiree, honoring Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, is Friday,

Augusta State Basketball vs. Flagler is Saturday, February 4, at 1:30 p.m. (Women) and 3:30 p.m. (Men) at Christenberry Fieldhouse. Call 706-737-

1626 or visit aug.edu. Rivers Bridge Battlefield Tour, featuring information on the Civil War event, is Saturday, February 4, at 2 p.m. at Rivers Bridge State Historic Site. Call 803-2673675 or visit southcarolinaparks.com. Augusta State Tennis vs. Johnson C. Smith is Tuesday, February 7, at 2 p.m. at the Newman Tennis Center. Call 706-7371626 or visit aug.edu. Cupid Classic Horse Show is Wednesday, February 8-Sunday, February 12, beginning at 8 a.m. each day, at Highfields Event Center. Call 803-649-3505 or visit psjshows.com/highfields.php. Augusta State Tennis vs. Queens (N.C.) is Thursday, February 9, at noon at the Newman Tennis Center. Call 706-7371626 or visit aug.edu.

Kids Toddler Time: A Man Named Dave is Thursday, February 2, from 10-11 a.m. or 11:15 a.m.-12:15 p.m. at the Morris Museum of Art, and features a lesson about potter Dave Drake and a clay pinch pot activity. Free for members; $4 for nonmembers. Pre-registration required. Call 706-724-7501 or visit themorris.org. Augusta Canal Winter Center: The Wheels Go Round is Thursday, February 2, at 10 a.m. at the Augusta Canal Interpretive Center, 1450 Greene Street. $3 per child. Call 706-823-0440, ext. 2, or visit augustacanal.com. The Protected Animals of Georgia,

DECLASSIFIED

Google Docs Basics Class is Wednesday, February 8, and Wednesday, February 15,

Computing for Beginners Classes, featuring instruction in basic computer vocabulary and skills, begin Thursday, February 9, at 10 a.m. at Diamond Lakes Branch Library, and continue for two consecutive Thursdays. Free. Pre-registration required. Call 706772-2432 or visit ecgrl.org.

February 3, from 6-10 p.m. at the Doubletree Hotel of Augusta, and features dinner, a DJ and a silent auction. $35. All proceeds benefit Michelle’s Kids. Red and black formal attire. Visit showclix.com/event/blackandredsoiree.

(actual size) 1.5” x 1.9” Tall $40 per week 28 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

All declassified ads are Cash in Advance (credit card payment required) and are $40 per week. Visit metrospirit.com to place your ad in minutes. V. 23 | NO. 05

V. 23 | NO. 05

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SIGHTINGS

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

President Vince Murray, Director Teresa Cole, Guest Speaker Brad Cunningham and President-Elect Erika Bobbitt at the Friends of the Augusta Public Library annual meeting.

Beth McDaniel, Rachal Lyons and Kim Mealing at Coyoteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s.

Joe Furtick, Lisa Lawson, Anna Samir and Jason Welch at the Comedy Zone at Somewhere in Augusta.

SIGHTINGS

Kim Scott, Maurice Good, Kenneth Bowman and Sherry Koon at Limelite Cafe.

Kerry Rhodes, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jimmy Rhodes at the TaxSlayer Question and Answer Session at Evans Town Center Park.

SIGHTINGS

James Hicks, Summer Widener and Noel Hilton at The Country Club.

Kristy Hardin, Michelle Hamill, Amber Combs and Brittany Matthews at Surrey Tavern.

Cristy Reyes, Racquel Fritts, Claudia Perez and Jessica Zaffino at the Library.

Michael Johnson

mejphoto.photoreflect.com

Kristen Combahee, Vicki Handley and Paige Thompson at the Library.

Serving Augusta for 28 years

SURRY CENTER ON HIGHLAND AVE. - THE FRENCHMARKETGRILLE.COM - 706.737.4865 32 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

>HAPPY HOUR : MON-FRI 4:30 P.M. - 7:00 P.M. DRINK SPECIALS V. 23 | NO. 05

Thursday, February 2 Live Music

French Market Grille West - Doc Easton Smooth Jazz Joe’s Underground - Jerod Gay O Lounge - Jazmine Soul Band Red Pepper Cafe - Funk/Fusion Jazz Rose Hill Stables - Preston, Weston and Sandra Surrey Tavern - The Fritz Travinia’s - Smooth Jazz Wild Wing - Lo Fidelity The Willcox - Classic Jazz

What’s Tonight?

Casa Blanca - Thursday Tango Club Argos - Karaoke Cocktails Lounge - Karaoke Coyote’s - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Soup, Suds & Conversations Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Highlander - Butt Naked Trivia The Library - DJ Kris Fisher The Loft - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Sports Trivia with Mike Thomas Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Evans) - Karaoke One Hundred Laurens - DJ Jerry Feels Good & Co. The Playground - Open Mic with Brandy Shannon’s - Karaoke Somewhere in Augusta - Keno Thursday Villa Europa - Karaoke Wooden Barrel - ’80s Night Karaoke

What’s Tonight?

Club Argos - Variety Show Club Rehab - Reggae Night Cocktails Lounge - Grown-Up Fridays with DJ Cork and Bull Pub - Karaoke Eagle’s Nest - Free Salsa Lessons; Latin Dance Party First Round - DJ Kris Fisher Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Iron Horse Bar & Grill - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with Ryan Moseley Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Jeff Barnes Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Three J’s Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke One Hundred Laurens - DJ Jerry Feels

Coyote’s - Bobby Compton Joe’s Underground - Jamie Jones Malibu Jack’s - Tony Howard P.I. Bar and Grill - Smooth Jazz Polo Tavern - Jim Fisher Band Sky City - Lera Lynn, Shaun Piazza, The Ramblin Fevers Wild Wing - Tokyo Joe

What’s Tonight?

Bar West - DJ Craven Club Argos - Variety Show Cocktails Lounge - Latin Night Crazy Turk’s - DJ Kris Fisher Fishbowl Lounge - Karaoke Fox’s Lair - Karaoke Helga’s Pub & Grille - Trivia The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke with

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Caribbean Soul - Love Jones Sundays Malibu Jacks - Karaoke with Mike Swift Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke, Salsa Dancing

Monday, February 6 What’s Tonight?

Applebee’s (Evans) - Trivia Club Argos - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Trivia Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Trivia with Mike Thomas Somewhere In Augusta - Free Poker Tournaments Wild Wing - Trivia

Tuesday, February 7 Live Music

Cocktails Lounge - Live Music The Highlander - Open Mic Night Joe’s Underground - Happy Bones Wild Wing - John Kolbeck The Willcox - Piano Jazz

What’s Tonight?

Club Argos - Karaoke Fishbowl Lounge - Dart League Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke Malibu Jack’s - Karaoke with Denny Somewhere In Augusta - Big Prize Trivia & Hawk Talk

Wednesday, February 8 Live Music

209 on the River - Smooth Grooves Joe’s Underground - Sibling String Malibu Jack’s - Marilyn Adock Manuel’s Bread Cafe - Noah Guthrie Somewhere In Augusta - Philly Plowden Wild Wing - Tiki Barflys

Friday, February 3 Live Music

Bar West - Daddy Grace Cotton Patch - Keith Gregory Country Club - Thomas Tillman Coyote’s - Bobby Compton Drifters - The Southern Meltdown Band French Market Grille West - Doc Easton The Highlander - Angwish Joe’s Underground - The Hollerers Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Shameless Dave Malibu Jack’s - South Atlantic The Playground - False Flag Polo Tavern - Reverse Effect Wild Wing - Shinebox

What’s Tonight?

Good & Co. Palmetto Tavern - DJ Tim Rebeck’s Hideaway - Open Mic Roadrunner Cafe - Karaoke with Steve Chappel Sky City - First Friday ’80s Night Tropicabana - Latin Friday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Karaoke Contest

Saturday, February 4 Live Music

1102 - Ravenswood The Acoustic Coffeehouse - Open Acoustic Jam Session with Eryn Eubanks and the Family Fold Cotton Patch - Ray Piazola Country Club - Tyler Hammond Band

Rockin Rob Mi Rancho (Clearwater) - Karaoke with Danny Haywood Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke Ms. Carolyn’s - Karaoke One Hundred Laurens - DJ Kenny Ray Somewhere in Augusta - UFC 143: Diaz vs. Condit Soul Bar - Cousin Dan, DJs Holy Blood Tropicabana - Salsa Saturday Wheels - Live DJ Wooden Barrel - Kamikaze Karaoke

Sunday, February 5 Live Music

5 O’Clock Bistro - Buzz and Candice The Willcox - Jazz Jam Session Wild Wing - Sabo & Mike

Club Argos - Santoni’s Satin Dolls Cocktails Lounge - Augusta’s Got Talent Cotton Patch - Trivia and Tunes Coyote’s - Drink N Drown w/ Snow Bunny Bikini Contest Hotel Aiken - Karaoke w/ Tom Mitchell Laura’s Backyard Tavern - Karaoke The Loft - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Downtown) - Karaoke Mi Rancho (Washington Road) - Karaoke with Rockin’ Rob The Playground - Krazy Karaoke with Big Troy Polo Tavern - Karaoke w/ Tom Mitchell Somewhere in Augusta - Comedy Zone with Philly Plowden and Matt Pharr Surrey Tavern - Trivia

Upcoming

POPS! At the Bell w/ The Temptations Bell Auditorium February 9 Winter Jam Tour - James Brown Arena February 9 John Kolbeck - Joe’s Underground February 9 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 33

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

If you go to California’s Yosemite National Park this month, you might get the chance to witness a reddish gold waterfall. At sunset, gaze up at the sheer east face of the rock formation El Capitan. There you will see what seems to be a vertical river of fire, also known as Horsetail Fall. You will have the power to blend fire and water in novel ways too.

you’re considering may seem to fit that description, too. It’s a project, action or gift that you’d feel good about offering, but you also wonder whether it will generate the same buzz as that rose petal floating down into the Grand Canyon. To the degree that you shed your attachment to making an impact, you will make the exact impact that matters most.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

After singer Amy Winehouse died, actor Russell Brand asked the public and media to scale back their derisive opinions about her struggle with intoxicants. Addiction, he said, is a disease. Would you mock a schizophrenic for his “stupid” propensity for hearing voices? All of us have at least one addiction. What’s yours? Seek help.

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

INMUSIC

Sad but true: A lot of people seem to be perpetually in a state of wanting what they don’t have and not wanting what they actually do have. You will have everything going for you if you want precisely what you do have — and are not full of longing for what’s unavailable. Do you think you can you manage that brilliant trick? If so, you will be amazed by the sublimity of the peace that will settle over you.

More and more shows heading our way and, believe it or not, it’s not all country acts. After announcing the big show with Godsmack, Staind and Halestorm at the James Brown Arena on Friday, April 13, 95 Rock announced another show that same week. Theory of a Deadman (above) will be returning to Augusta to play at The Country Club, along with up and comers Pop Evil, on Wednesday, April 11. Theory and Pop Evil have been here and have been two of the best performances I’ve seen in this town. Why two rock shows in one week, you ask? Why not? Not only is The Country Club a great venue, these tickets will only cost you $19 in advance, and the tickets go on sale Friday, February 3. All I hear are people asking where the rock shows are. Well, they’re right here in Augusta. Now go buy tickets and stop texting me. The Lokal Loudness Choice Awards and 20th Anniversary Celebration is coming up on Friday, February 10. Great local bands will be performing, and the host will be none other than the bossman Chuck Williams. The event will be at Sky City. Support local music. Do it. Rock Fore! Dough 8 was just announced this past week. I would take a swing at the lineup, but I was asked nicely to not do that. What I will say is that this is a great annual event for Augusta that raises a lot of money for a great charity. I go every year and always enjoy myself, so make plans to attend during Masters Week on Tuesday, April 3. I can’t believe I have so much restraint. My favorite part of election year is when a candidate uses a song that they shouldn’t and then they get blasted for it. This week it was Newt Gingrich using the song “How You Like Me Now?” by a band called The Heavy. Is it just me or does Newt look like the Hamburgler if he was unmasked? In rock news, Jack White has his first solo album hitting stores on April 24. It’s his first solo album, unless you count every White Stripes’ album like I do. “Love Interrupted” is the first single off the new album, and it’s already available for download. I just don’t know how he’s going to continue without Meg. “Not Your Kind of People” will be the first release from Garbage in seven years and the band will release it themselves, or on their own label I should say, STUNVOLUME. The album will hit stores on May 15 and I will buy it, because I will do whatever Shirley Manson asks me to do. Okay, I know her skin resembles that of a pig, but why is Madonna performing at the halftime show for the Super Bowl? I bet we are going to hear crazy songs like “Vogue” and “Like a Virgin.” It’s gonna be crazy! I do hope she plays “Ray of Light.” I actually like that one. Did I really just type that? Yes I did. What shows am I missing? Which local band is making their mark on the streets of Augusta? If I was looking for a prostitute, which street is that on? Email me, matt@ themetrospirit.com.

FREEWILLASTROLOGY

Where Are the Rock Shows? Right Here.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Of all the signs of the zodiac, Tauruses are the least likely to be arrogant. They’re also among the most likely to have low self-esteem. Current cosmic rhythms are inviting you rather loudly and dramatically to boost your confidence, even at the risk of you careening into the forbidden realm of arrogance. That’s why I recommend Taurus musician Trent Reznor as your role model. He has no problem summoning feelings of self-worth. Here’s what he confessed when asked about whether he frequents music social networks: “I don’t care what my friends are listening to. Because I’m cooler than they are.”

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

“If Mark Twain had had Twitter,” says humorist Andy Borowitz, “he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn’t have gotten around to writing ‘Huckleberry Finn.’” You can either get a lot of little things done that will serve your short-term aims, or else you can at least partially withdraw from the day-to-day give-and-take to devote yourself with more focus to a long-range goal.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You now have a special talent for helping your allies tap into their dormant potentials and latent energy. You will also have a knack for snapping lost sheep and fallen angels out of their wasteful trances and the ability to coax concealed truths out of their hiding places. Make lavish use of these gifts, even though some may resist you. The transformations you could conceivably set in motion with your superpowers might seem alarming to them. Hang out as much as possible with change-lovers who like the strong medicine you have to offer.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

“Publishing a volume of poetry is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo,” said author Don Marquis. Something

Comedian Louis CK told a story about his young daughter. She had a fever, and he gave her some Tylenol that was bubble gum flavored. “Ewwww!” she complained. “You can’t say ‘ewwww,’” he told her. What he meant was that as a white kid in America, she’s certainly far luckier than all the poor children who have no medicine at all. In the large scheme of things, your suffering right now is small. Try to keep your attention on your blessings rather than your discomfort.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I stumbled upon an engineering textbook for undergraduates. There was a section on how to do technical writing, as opposed to the literary kind. It quoted a poem by Edgar Allan Poe: “Helen, thy beauty is to me / Like those Nicean barks of yore / That gently, o’er a perfumed sea, / The weary way-worn wanderer bore / To his own native shore.” Then the book gave advice to the student: “To express these ideas in technical writing, we would simply say, ‘He thinks Helen is beautiful.’” Don’t take shortcuts like that. For the sake of your emotional health and spiritual integrity, you can’t see or treat the world anything like what a technical writer would.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Are you ready to start playing in earnest with that riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma? Are you looking forward to the rough and tumble fun that will ensue after you leap into the middle of that sucker and start trying to decipher its impossibly interesting meaning? I hope you are primed and eager. Be brave, adventurous and intent on having a blast.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Lessons could come to you from unforeseen sources and unanticipated directions during the next few weeks. They will also come in expected forms from all the familiar influences, so the sum total of your learning could be pretty spectacular. Just assume that everyone and everything might have useful teachings for you — even people you usually ignore and situations that have bored you in the past. Act like an eager student who’s hungry for knowledge and curious to fill in the gaps in your education.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person,” said British writer Quentin Crisp. If you harbor even a small tendency in that direction, make a concentrated effort to talk yourself out of it. This is a critical moment in the long-term evolution of your healthy self-sufficiency. For both your own sake and the sake of the people you love, you must find a way to shrink your urge to make them responsible for your well-being. Rob Brezsny

Matt Stone can be heard weekdays from 2-6 p.m. on 95 Rock.

34 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

FREEWILLASTROLOGY@FREEWILLASTROLOGY.COM

V. 23 | NO. 05

THEEIGHT BOX TOPS

Liam Neeson proves he’s still leader of the pack. RANK

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NATALIEELLIOTT

“A Dangerous Method” Cronenberg does Woody Allen? Sort of. Canadian auteur David Cronenberg’s latest film, “A Dangerous Method,” cautiously tells the companion stories of rivalry and mentorship, and how those relationships easily become muddled if you, like handsome Dr. Jung (Michael Fassbender), allow your feelings to cloud your ambition. In this tale, refreshingly, no character is confined to a single motivation — they are all equally torn between their visceral impulses (lust, envy) and their sense of social duty (marriage, professionalism). For each of them, the only potential villain lies within the boundaries of their own tempted consciousness. The first rule of Cronenberg is carnality. He takes great lengths and great pleasure in presenting the human animal as a naked, contorted, sexual, craven thing — and that’s precisely how the patient Sabina Spielrein (Keira Knightly) enters the film. At the behest of her abusive father, she’s sent to Dr. Jung, who attempts to alleviate her suffering through Freud’s new mysterious “talking cure.” Sabina is a sexually tormented neurotic who’s intellectual capability is the only thing keeping her frontal lobe in tact. Through attentive one-on-one sessions and inviting Spielrein to assist in some of his “research,” Jung manages to render her a non-hyperventilating, ambulatory adult woman who can live all by herself while she attends medical school in Zurich. In all his devoted work, however, Jung’s friendship with the patient becomes too intimate for either of them to bear. Jung’s success with Sabina is what garners him favor in Papa Freud’s eyes. The two men become dedicated pen pals, and much of the movie’s plot-advancing voiceovers exist inside their epistolary exchanges. Ultimately, as history tells us, the great thinkers are heading towards a split over Freud’s old-school disapproval of Jung’s desire to explore the more mystical reaches of the human psyche. But there’s more at play here, and that’s the second rule of Cronenberg: Everything exists in binary — good and evil, old and young, sex and death — and one can move to the other seamlessly. In “A Dangerous Method,” however, this tension is subtle, and exists mostly between the moral quandaries and fleshly cravings that haunt each character, most significantly the good Dr. Jung.

Cronenberg again employs understated actor Viggo Mortensen, who also appeared in his two preceding commercially palatable films (“A History of Violence” and “Eastern Promises”). However, unlike his ruggedly handsome, action-star roles of the previous, this time Mortensen plays against type — a secondary character, the cigar-chewing Sigmund Freud — and not the sleazy, cokeaddled, woman-obsessed Freud you might want — but an older, weakly, jealousfather-type who is stodgy in both his science and his Jewishness, and comes across more as an aging quarterback too stubborn to be foisted into retirement, even at the peril of his impressive record. Mortensen’s Freud is deft in his expressionlessness and radiates a quiet paternal judgment of his pet protégé, Dr. Jung, as the young psychiatrist attempts to forge his own way in the nebulous and troubled field of psychiatry while attempting to maintain the support and favor of the elder statesman. Despite adhering dutifully to the Cronenberg formula, there are several pleasant surprises, likely due to the script’s stage-play origin. For one, dazzling French actor Vincent Cassel does his usual slippery turn as the drug-craving sex-addicted Otto Gross, a rival protégé who mostly serves as a comically hedonistic foil to the buttoned-up Jung. Plus, there are numerous scenes filled with the neurotic dialogue of characters so self-obsessed they end up sounding like Woody Allen’s best parodies. Although, a sentimentality usually foreign to Cronenberg creeps in towards the end, betraying all the sex and comedy with its turgid one-liners of a different sort. We’re left with a few cheesy quotables that resonate more like the tagline for “Love Story” than the stiff wit and subtlety that otherwise inhabit this film.

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OPENING FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3 W IT H

“The Woman in Black,” rated PG-13, starring Daniel Radcliffe, Janet McTeer. Awwww… little Harry Potter is all grown up and starring in his first movie that doesn’t have anything to do with the magical world. It’s about a young lawyers who encounters a ghost… “Chronicle,” rated PG-13, starring Michael B. Jordan, Michael Kelly, Alex Russell, Dane DeHaan. Three friends gain superpowers that they first use for good but then not so much. It’s been described as “Cloverfield” meets “Unbreakable,” but others have suggested that it’s a ripoff of a 2002 movie called “The Surge,” or “The Source,” depending on who you talk to. I’m sure the creators of “Chronicle” are hoping their movie is at least as well received as that one was.

DRAMA

“W.E.,” rated R, starring Abbie Cornish, James D’Arcy, Andrea Riseborough. Directed by Madonna, which may be all you need to know about this one.

FAMILY

“Big Miracle,” rated PG, starring Drew Barrymore, John Krasinski, Kristen Bell, Dermot Mulroney, Ted Danson. Enjoy movies like “Free Willy” and “Dolphin Tale”? Then you’ll love this warm, fuzzy flick about a group of people who band together to save three grey whales trapped in some ice.

T H E W I N G!

N O W TA K I N G S U P E R S U N D AY

TO-GO ORDERS the line up. 2.2 THURSDAY Live Music with Lo Fidelity 2.3 FRIDAY NIGHT ROCKS with Shinebox 2.4 SATURDAY Live Music with Tokyo Joe

2.5 SUPER SUNDAY Watch the big game with us! Enter our Best Seat in the House Contest for a chance to win prizes! Washington Road just past I-20 • 706-364-WILD (9453) w w w. w i l d w i n g c a f e . c o m 36 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

HORROR

O C E R E W

D N E M M

“Jaws” Whales may dominate the box office this weekend, but for those who prefer their sea creatures to be of the more deadly variety, you can’t do much better than 1975’s “Jaws.” Not “Jaws 2” and certainly not the misadventures that were “Jaw 3D” or Jaws 4: The Revenge.” Dated? Sure. One look at Amity Island’s swimsuit-wearing tourists is enough to make anyone who’s never seen it before think it might be a comedy. But Roy Scheider still had his original face and Richard Dreyfuss was 30 years away from an AARP membership card when it was made, so there’s that. There’s also a big-ass shark, which, much to his credit, Steven Spielberg keeps under wraps until the third act. That’s when Scheider, Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw as the gruff fisherman Quint, a role that should have garnered him an Academy Award, board a boat for a good, old-fashioned shark hunt. And hey all you hipsters: You know that scene in “Chasing Amy” in which Banky and Alyssa compare scars? Guess where that came from? V. 23 | NO. 05

CUISINESCENE

Augusta’s Largest Valentine’s Party

AMYCHRISTIAN

The Doubletree gets it right with those wanting a relaxed, romantic holiday

Add to that table decorations, live music — Bill Tolbert in the restaurant and Flashback in the ballroom, both playing oldies — and room packages, and guests have all the ingredients to make a Valentine’s Day celebration worth remembering. “It’s such an event,” Reagan said. “It’s a nice night out, it’s good food and it’s not too expensive.”

A date with your Valentine celebrating the most romantic holiday of the year should be just that: romantic, relaxed and cozy. It should not include the hassle of finding a parking spot and the stress of a loud, crowded restaurant in which the servers are trying to rush you through your meal to make way for the next couple. Very often, however, that’s exactly what happens on the biggest date night of the year. Not at the Doubletree, though. Because of its Friday and Saturday night prime rib and seafood buffet, the Doubletree has long been known as a great place for an evening out. The buffet is reasonably priced, the hotel books live music each night and the bar offers inventive and delicious specials on beer, wine and specialty cocktails. All this is available in an atmosphere that feels more like an upscale restaurant than a hotel, especially if patrons are seated near the lovely and tranquil fountain. Take all that goodness and double it, and that’s what patrons will find on Saturday, February 11, which is when the Doubletree will celebrate Valentine’s Day with Augusta’s largest party. But don’t worry; there’ll still be plenty of room so that couples can have exactly the kind of romantic evening they’re expecting. “We’re doing it a little differently this year,” said Doubletree Food and Beverage Manager Lando Marzolf. V. 23 | NO. 05

“We’re offering two seafood buffets this year; one in the restaurant and one in the ballroom.” “It’s going to be a very fun, relaxing romantic evening,” added General Manager Les Reagan. “And it’s a good thing we’re doing it this way because, if we hadn’t doubled it, we would have already sold out because we’ve almost completely booked the ballroom already.” Reservations are currently being accepted for parties of six or more. Smaller parties will be seated on a first come, first served basis. The idea for doubling the Valentine’s event came about when the two managers were discussing last year’s celebration, with Marzolf lamenting the fact that he had to turn so many people away. “He said he turned away 150 to 200 people and I said, ‘Oh, really…’,” Reagan said. “So we starting thinking about opening the ballroom, which we’ve done in the past for Thanksgiving and Christmas — those big feast days.” Once given the go-ahead by their boss, the two men began planning how to put their plan into action. What they came up with was brilliant in its simplicity: two rooms, two almost identical buffets. The buffets will, of course, include all the items that diners have come to know and love; crab legs, prime rib, the pasta bar, fried fish and hush puppies will all be included, as will newer favorites such as shrimp ceviche and hand-rolled

sushi. Some special touches, however, will be added in honor of the holiday. The dessert station, always a favorite with around 20 items included, will be the spot where guests will most notice the additions when it comes to food. “We’ll definitely have some changes in the buffet because of Valentine’s Day, mostly in the dessert area,” Reagan explained. “We’ll do things like white and dark chocolate covered strawberries. Lots of chocolate.” Drink specials will also give a nod to the holiday, especially in the ballroom where the hotel will set up a martini bar with five to six special selections. “We’ll have specials like a Chocolate Covered Cherry Martini, an Apple Martini and a Chocolate Cake Martini, with cake vodka and chocolate liqueur,” Marzolf said. “And we’ll have 40 different wines available by the glass or bottle.”

Valentine’s Party Doubletree Hotel Saturday, February 11 Buffet begins at 5 p.m.; live music begins at 6 p.m. $31.95 per person Reservations for groups of six or more strongly recommended 706-855-8100 augusta.doubletree.com

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 37

Halie Hulsey

Bartender, Soy Noodle House

INTHEMIX

Evans High School grad Halie Hulsey, 24, wants it known that she is a college football fan. More specifically, a Florida State fan. Originally from Gainesville, she lived in Tallahassee for a long time (hmm… Florida State?) and moved to Augusta when her stepdad landed a job at the Augusta Chronicle. She has been in Augusta about eight years and says she gets down to Pensacola to see family once a year. Halie has worked at Soy Noodle House since it opened and says she loves bartending because you can be yourself with your customers, much more so than when you’re serving. She says now that Soy Noodle House is offering live music every Friday and Saturday night, the weekends have been hopping late night. Now to the important questions. Country or Western? Country. Dog or cat? Dog. Tattoo or piercing? Piercing. Chicken or egg? Chicken. Favorite drink? Diet Dr. Pepper. TV show? “Sons of Anarchy.” Movie? I’ll go with “Baby Mama.”

What’s something about you that most people wouldn’t know? That’s a hard one. I’m very open. I like commercials better than actual TV shows?

38 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

V. 23 | NO. 05

Matt Lane is host of The Weekend Rundown which airs from 10 a.m.-noon Saturdays on News-Talk-Sports 1630 AM. He can be reached at mattlane28@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @Mattlane28.

Welcome Back

ASU returns to the diamond with high hopes after last year’s inspired run Head Coach Chris Cooper and the boys in blue look to pick up right where they left off last year. As you may recall, ASU won five of their last seven games in a stretch of wins that took them to the championship game of the Peach Belt Conference Tournament. Let’s get reacquainted with some key pitchers returning from last year’s squad and get introduced to a newcomer of note. Junior righthander Scott Shipman enters the season as a Southeast Region Preseason All-American as chosen by the ABCA (American Baseball Coaches Association). He’ll look to continue his dominating ways from last year that garnered him the most wins by a Jaguar starting pitcher since 2004. Also returning, junior righthander Josh Barks from Sparks, Georgia, which is just outside of Adel, baby (South Georgia joke), is a preseason player to watch. Last year as a sophomore, Barks posted 43 strikeouts and a 3.21 ERA in 42 innings pitched. You guessed it, here’s another junior who’s also righthanded. Dylan Wall, a South Georgia College transfer, is the newcomer to watch. Wall finished with a 7-4 record, including 52 strikeouts and a 4.35 ERA last season for the Tigers. The Jags tallied a nine-win improvement from the 2010 season, and went to the championship game of the Peach Belt Conference Tournament last year, so let’s get out this season and support the boys as they begin another exciting year on the diamond.

2012 Augusta State Baseball Schedule Home games noted in all caps * notes Peach Belt Conference Games DH notes doubleheaders Home games played at Jaguar Field on Forest Hills campus unless otherwise noted

February Opponent 3 4 9 11 12 15 18 19 22 24 25 29

Location

CARSON-NEWMAN AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) CARSON-NEWMAN (DH) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) at Paine Augusta, Ga. at West Georgia Carrollton, Ga. at West Georgia (DH) Carrollton, Ga. PAINE AUGUSTA *at Flagler (DH) St. Augustine, Fla. *at Flagler St. Augustine, Fla. at Newberry Newberry, S.C. *at Lander Greenwood, S.C. *at Lander (DH) Greenwood, S.C. at Anderson Anderson, S.C.

Time 2pm 1pm 2pm 2pm 12:30pm 2pm 1pm 1pm 3pm 5pm 2pm 3pm

March Opponent 3 4 6 7 10 11 15 16 17 20 22 24 25 28 31

April 1 6 7 10 14 15 17 18 21 22

May 1 9-13

17-20 26-31

Location

Time

*GEORGIA SOUTHWESTERN *at Montevallo *at Montevallo (DH) at Erskine *GEORGIA COLLEGE (DH) *GEORGIA COLLEGE at Armstrong Atlantic at USC Aiken (Outback Cup) *at North Georgia (DH) *at North Georgia

AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) Montevallo, Ala. Montevallo, Ala. Due West, S.C. AUGUSTA AUGUSTA Savannah, Ga. Aiken, S.C. Dahlonega, Ga. Dahlonega, Ga.

1pm 7pm 1pm 3pm 1pm 1pm 3:30pm 6:30pm 3pm 1pm

ERSKINE at Peach Belt Conference Tournament at NCAA Southeast Regional at College World Series

AUGUSTA Columbus, Ga.

3pm TBA

TBA

Cary, N.C.

TBA

*USC AIKEN (DH) *USC AIKEN ST. ANDREWS ST. ANDREWS *FRANCIS MARION *FRANCIS MARION (DH) ANDERSON *at UNC Pembroke *at UNC Pembroke (DH) NEWBERRY ARMSTRONG ATLANTIC *COLUMBUS STATE (DH) *COLUMBUS STATE USC AIKEN (Outback Cup)

AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) Augusta, Ga. AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) Pembroke, N.C. Pembroke, N.C. AUGUSTA AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium) *GEORGIA SOUTHWESTERN (DH) AUGUSTA (Lake Olmstead Stadium)

1pm 1pm 6pm 2:30pm 2pm 12pm 4pm 7pm 1pm 2:30pm 6pm 1pm 1pm 6:30pm 1pm

ONTHEBALL V. 23 | NO. 05

METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 39

WHINELINE WHINELINE LAST WEEK KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT, KENNETH ECHOLS WHOSE RUNNING FOR DISTRICT 7 COMMISSION SEAT WAS TALKED INTO THE RACE SO BY THE MAYOR AND BILLY MORRIS. WITH ECHOLS ON BOARD THE NEEDED VOTE TO MOVE BALLFIELD DOWNTOWN WILL HELP BILLY’S HOTEL AND PARKING GARAGE KEEP FULL. THEY MAY AS RENAME THAT PART OF REYNOLDS ST. BILLY’S BLOCK AS IT IS HIS DUE TO TAX PAYERS MONIES.

would do without him. A true monument and pillar of journalim.

Can someone please explain to me why there are no coffee shops downtown open at a time when we actually need coffee past 5 pm? This leaves those of us with regular working hours to resort to a diner or the bar-coffeehouse for a place to study/read. Want some smoke with that cup-a-joe!

I own a home in Harrisburg and have great neighbors. Our entire block has responsible, hard working, and accountable persons living on it. We talk regularly and work together to keep the muck out. This may be difficult where Lori Davis lives, but it would appear that her own personality is to blame. Rather than begin a quixotic journey for people to blame, those on my block cooperate with one another and the Sheriff’s Dept., when necessary. It is neighborhood watching, not neighborhood soapboxing.

L Davis is a nut. Austin “Scoop” Rhodes is a local legend. I honbestly do not know what the CSRA

I am almost certain that we will hear no mention of the Clinton /Gingrich blackmail plot until the day after Gingrich quits the race. Then it will be the main reason he dropped out. Here is Austin’s chance to break a national story that only two people know about (one dead and one alive) and he is punting. He is such a modest guy.

The “hospitality” building currently being constructed is about 25ft away from my front door. I don’t care who it’s for or

up THUMBS

RIP, Juan Epstein. Be sure to show them that note from your mother at the pearly gates.

down THUMBS

Juan Epstein dies, yet Abe Vigoda still walks the earth?

40 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

Not knowing how to use your iPhone to its full capacity got you down, but you don’t want to ask someone else for fear of looking stupid? Head to lifehacker.com, where there’s not only a whole section of the site devoted to iPhones, but where you’ll also find ways to make your email program work more efficiently and daily deals on apps. Life Hacker is not all about technology, however. McGyver Tips show you useful tricks, like how to loosen almost any knot, IKEA Hacks lets you in on deals and shows you how to repurpose items from the store (a lamp into a webcam mount, for instance), and the storage section shows you how to do things like use shower hooks in the closet as bag and tie hangers. Life Hacker’s motto is “tips and downloads for getting things done,” and it just may help you accomplish that goal… if you don’t get lost browsing through all the fascinating information.

WERECOMMEND what idiot is going to pay $6000 a ticket during “golf week” to enter it. What I really want to know is who in the hell is constantly driving the crane backwards in circles? When can I expect peace and quiet? Doesn’t hospitality mean respectful and friendly treatment? Could you not afford sound barriers to span

the gate behind the facility for those living next to it? Lori Davis? Seriously, your reporter didn’t ask for any evidence supporting her nutty conspiracy theory? A “Cabal” is telling the police not to crack down on crime in Harrisburgh so the property values will be lowered, so they can come

V. 23 | NO. 05

WHINELINE@THEMETROSPIRIT.COM

To the whiner calling JoePa a bad person and calling his death fitting - you should be ashamed. Get your facts straight. JoePa never refused to report the crime, he did all he knew to do at the time. You obviously have absolutely no knowledge of JoePa the person or all of the good he did in his life. Shame, shame on you and

Did the Post Office just raise the price of a single stamp from 44 cents to 45 cents? Why yes, it did. That’s 10 times spanning the last 20 years. Why not just raise stamps to 50 cents (yikes!) and call a moratorium on those raises for the next 10 years? - enough is enough! [P.S. Get ready for the new and improved, soon to be coming to a Post Office near you, 46 cent stamp in a year or two.] And just in case you might want to opine to the Postmaster General, his address

is: Jack Potter, Postmaster General, 475 L’Enfant Plaza SW, Washington, D.C. 20260-0010. If when you happen to come up to a car in front of you that is going slightly over the limit, you decide to endanger the driver and tailgate within half a car length for two miles because you think

it’s cute, and the car slows down to a crawl, it’s probably me with my hand on my holster, dying for you to make something of it. That’s your prize for the day, you ugly, worthless bonehead. When will Richmond County parents get tired of “excuse-based” public education for their kids?

Have something you want to get off your chest? Send your whines to whineline@themetrospirit.com. If you do so by noon on Friday, you might just see it in the next Wednesday’s issue. Oh, and whines may be edited for content but will pretty much be printed exactly as you type them.

Fresh Lobster Night Every Friday! Reservations Required

BUY GET

ONE, ONE

706.288.2200

WoW!! Sic-em Lori!

your ignorant judgement. I hope fate has something fitting in store for you as well.

1069 Stevens Creek Road

in and buy the property for cheap. Then, I guess, they will tell the police to begin cracking down on crime so the property values will go up. What!?

make a real connection Call Livelinks. The hottest place to meet the coolest people.

CELEBRATING 6 YEARS AT THE MARTINEZ LOCATION.

see page 08 V. 23 | NO. 05

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METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12 41

Jenny Wright lives in Summerville with her husband, who she calls The Man, and two kids, who she affectionately calls The Boy and The Girl. She enjoys taking photos, cooking and playing tennis.

Don’t Hate

Why does a happy child make some people so angry?

Here we go again. It’s just another chapter in the kid-haters vs. everyone else. You’d think I’d grow tired of the endless debate, but the haters are just too easy to ridicule. Something happened last week that brought it up again. Vallarta on Washington Road was pretty crowded, but not slammed. It was just after 6 p.m., so margarita prices had just jumped up from the Happy Hour deals. As we sat there finishing our dinner, our neighbor came to our table with his two-year-old daughter. She was excited to see The Girl, so she happily (and loudly) giggled hello. While we were talking to her daddy, our friend, he was putting her on his shoulder, causing even more laughter. I thought she was perfectly cute. The table next to us must not have agreed.

I partially take that back. There was one girl at the table who stared at us incredulously, shaking her head and snorting with disapproval. You would have thought she was at Calvert’s on a Saturday night. Every time Charlotte made a sound, this girl would freak out, nostrils getting bigger with every baby laugh, and her head shakes practically caused whiplash. It’s not as if Charlotte was having a tantrum. She was happy. The rest of the glarer’s table was laughing. With her or at her I’m not sure. I am sure of the fact that she was only drinking tea. A little frozen fruity drink never hurt anyone, little lady. Might help, actually. I’m the first one to ask that my children behave in a restaurant, but come on. We didn’t choose a white tablecloth, linen napkin, high-dollar place. We were there early on purpose, so our kids would sit still. If they didn’t, we know that many families would be there and would likely understand. We don’t want to deal with our kids’ crappy behavior, either. I am unable to call laughter crappy behavior, though, no

matter how dirty the looks. I might even slip a sugar packet into their lemonade and sit back and watch the show. My friend Liz told me of a recent debate on a Decatur (Georgia) mom message board, where several (hip?) mamas were lambasting area restaurants for not having high chairs. First of all, if they don’t have high chairs, maybe they don’t want your kids there? Secondly, many quick-serve restaurants simply don’t have the space for extra seats. We always had a portable booster that stayed in my car for such situations. I don’t think these restaurants should be accused of hating children. It’s their prerogative to allow and attract a certain clientele. If they don’t want you there, why would you want to be there? Last I checked, there were hundreds of restaurants in Decatur and its surrounding areas. Would you keep trying to get back together with a boyfriend who said he didn’t love you anymore? Once again, I think we have a case of bored people with nothing better to do than to figure out ways that the world owes them something. Rest assured,

I know that everyone feels this way at some point. We all get mad and feel wronged. Fortunately, most of us outgrow this by the time we are about 21. You’d hope that adults would start to figure out that life may not be fair, but we have choices. Remember the sandwich thing (Metro Spirit, January 26)? Not only can you choose whether or not to eat the sucky sandwiches, but you can even pick which kind you want. Some people might find bologna to be nasty, but I think it’s delicious, especially fried. Did you know it starts as a meat batter? Kids are obnoxious and messy. Hell, so are husbands. I’ve yet to find a place that bans both, so I’ll continue to take them to casual places before 7 p.m. If you see me drinking a margarita, I’m probably just drowning out the chatter and laughter that is pure happiness. Not sure where The Man will sit when they’re out of high chairs, but I’ll demand that our server comp my meal. No dice? I’ll sue for some ungodly dollar amount. After all, they owe me, right?

JENNYISWRIGHT

COMING SOON!! introducing

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6,500 square feet

Krav Maga Jujitsu Kickboxing

Open 7 days a week 42 METRO SPIRIT 02.02.12

QUANTUMFITNESSAUGUSTA.COM | 4408 Evans to Locks Rd, Evans, GA | 706.210.1140 V. 23 | NO. 05