27 March 2024

THE IVORY BUFFALO

Ghost of pr: spectre silences UMSA executives

Supersized: UM cuts Bison scholarships for McDonald’s playplace

pumping iron (curtain): AlC is a commie scheme

Making waves: nightclub discovered by UM researchers at bottom of lake Manitoba

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UMSA makes room for chamber bunk beds Association budget shifts to accommodate overnight meetings

Toda Lee-Kidning, staff University of Manitoba stUdents Alliance (UMSA) announced the approval of a$50,000 cut from the campaign budget to purchase bunk beds to accommodate board members after meetings consistently ran past 2 a.m. this semester.

The $50,000 will cover the cost of 13 bunk beds, 26 mattresses and sheets, pillows and blankets for each bed. Each bed will be assigned to one member of the board of directors.

The average end time for meetings since August has been 2:36 a.m., causing board members to be left stranded on campus without transit running and dealing with extreme exhaustion, creating unsafe driving conditions.

The bunkbeds will line

the walls of UMSA chambers, replacing 90 per cent of the chairs reserved for students at large. UMSA president Percy Parrot said “this would be fine” following the recent UMSA ban on students at large who attempt to speak at meetings, which reduced the number of attendees present.

Parrot said he pleaded with provosts and presidents to approve the purchase, citing the “distress and desperation” members were feeling.

U of M president David Benedict signed off on the purchase but declined a formal interview with Ivory Buffalo reporters, citing the “unimportance” of UMSA budgets.

UMSA school of art representative Sherry Hamms agreed that the bunkbeds

were needed.

“One night I drove into a flock of crows, which I think is called a murder, because I was so tired,” Hamms said.

While the killed murder of crows looked “like a crime scene,” Hamms said she was unharmed, but “anxious and depressed,” following the incident.

Hamms said she is “excited” to be able to stay in the chambers in her assigned bunk bed after meetings with her “besties” once the beds are built.

Randy Jones, representative from agriculture, said that after one meeting lasted until 3 a.m., he found himself “abandoned” while waiting for the bus. Eventually, he said he had to sleep with the hogs in the farm and food discovery centre.

U of M hires anti-abortion protesters to teach sex-ed Protesters will teach why sex is bad

Maya Pinion, staff

With sexually transmitted infection (STI) cases rising in Manitoba, the U of M has hired the anti-abortion protestors who picket on campus to educate students about safe sex.

The program will involve three weeks of classes on various topics and will include lessons with names like “Why knitting is cooler than sex,” “If you’re thirsty for someone, just drink water” and “are they really that hot?”

Protest leader Rhonda Santis said she was thrilled when the university recruited the organization to teach students sex-ed.

“We cannot wait to teach students the number one rule about having sex, which is: don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die,” said Santis.

U of M president David Benedict said he thought the partnership with the anti-abortion group was a great idea due to their dedication to picketing in front of academic buildings “Every. Single. Week.”

“Well, they are already here quite often, and they said they don’t need to be paid, which is perfect when it comes to our budget,” said Benedict.

Benedict said the university is “doing all we can to reduce STIs on campus.” He believes the new courses will achieve this goal.

When asked what evidence the school had seen of the program’s effectiveness, Benedict began talking about the weather and local sporting events.

Before classes begin, the university has asked students to complete a survey about safe sex topics that they would be interested in learning about.

In her answers to the survey, first-year history student Renee Sance noted the importance of teaching about informed consent, proper contraceptive use and communication with partners.

“I don’t know why we are going to learn about knitting

when we should be putting condoms on bananas,” said Sance.

In response to student concerns, Santis said students are “misinformed by the satanic media.”

“The best gift you can give someone is a newly knitted scarf, not gonorrhea,” she said.

Safe sex courses will take place on Sundays at 8 p.m. in the St. John’s College library. Protesters volunteering their time ask that participants bring the ugliest sweater they can find as a donation.

ing for student groups.”

“stupider

stupid.” Fayer took to social media to express her disapproval last week.

“UMSA’s priorities are out of whack,” the post read. “That money could go to scholarships for students or train-

Parrot is “happy” with the budget approval and said he will be “thrilled” when the packages arrive next week.

“This is something UMSA has needed for a long time,” he said. “I’m glad we could finally make it happen.”

New procrastination course begins in fall

Olivia Gardenia, staff

A new course on how to procrastinate efficiently will be introduced at the University of Manitoba in fall 2024.

The course, taught by professor Pas Bien, will teach students about the effectiveness of procrastinating and methods to use when finishing assignments and projects.

“I feel that learning how to procrastinate academically and professionally is one of the greatest skills that students can have,” said Bien.

Bien has been a self-declared professional procrastinator for the past 57 years. He finally received his degree in astrophysics after four decades, having to change thesis topics multiple times due to other scientists hypothesizing, testing and publishing the same ideas before him.

“I took one course 15 times because I procrastinated,” he said.

When coming up with the outline for the course, Bien procrastinated on that too.

“The course was supposed to start this winter but I submitted it late.”

Each of the lectures, projects and assignments are designed to give students the skills to postpone tasks and work past approaching deadlines. All course assignments and tests will be due the last day of class, Bien said.

Bien hopes students will be interested in the class as he is currently advocating for the

university to create a faculty of procrastination. Classes such as WORK2400, which aims to show students how to finish a thesis under one hour and PROC3580, where students will learn about how to reduce stress and anxiety when procrastinating, will be offered once Bien gets approval.

“I see procrastination as an art. It’s more than a skill for students to gain,” he said. “Not many people are able to do nothing all day and not think about their tasks, only to have intense focus an hour before their deadline.”

“I am really excited for this new course,” said first-year Stuey Dent. “I procrastinated in high school, so I think this course will come in handy.”

Some students, like thirdyear student Bob Smith, are wary of the course as they don’t see procrastination as a good thing to teach in universities.

“I just don’t think that this can be an actual course,” said Smith. “Why would the school make a course that encourages students to go through stress and anxiety to finish things last minute, wouldn’t people like to just work ahead instead?”

Students interested in the course can register in the fall. However, the course synopsis and other information has not been posted. As Bien said he failed to submit a summary ahead of time.

photo / Himothy / staff

photo / Himothy / staff

Nursing representative Karleigh Fayer said the purchase was

than

UMSA execs possessed by ghost of public relations voice

Following year of vocal ghost dictating union choices, silence prevails

Leif Larsen, staff after a probleMatic year for the University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) executive members, a spirit called the ghost of the public relations voice has silenced president Percy Parrot.

Last year, UMSA president Don Buchanan’s mental break-down in the Ivory Buffalo office “exposed students to the ghost of the student voice,” said fourth-year student Kim Brighton.

“I could hear him screaming about the student voice wanting silent discos and no run-off elections all the way from the quad,” Brighton said.

The Ivory Buffalo was unable to reach Buchanan for comment, but the Peace and Love Wellness Institute told reporters that Buchanan was recovering from the possession and “hopes only the best for Parrot and future presidents.”

Speculation about the ghost’s power rose around campus and social media platforms.

“I’m curious as to how

much the UMSA execs think for themselves,” Steve Harlow said.

UMSA has been under pressure to put out statements on multiple occasions after several global and local events this year. The association has not made any public comments so far. Ivory Buffalo reporters have repeatedly been denied both statements and interviews with Parrot and other executive members.

Vice president community engagement Thalia Swimp finally agreed to speak, as long as the interview was in the sound-proof crying rooms established last year.

Swimp confirmed the existence of the ghost of the public relations voice. She said it is similar to, but different from, the ghost that possessed Buchanan last year.

“It can be hard to get anything done with this voice. I’ve been fighting it off all year,” she said.

Swimp said she experiences night sweats and night terrors, occasionally waking up to a screaming voice saying, “THALIA, YOU MUST SAY

NOTHING. THE STUDENT VOICE DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE.”

Fifth-year student Gregory Grain came to UMSA on multiple occasions, questioning its lack of statements this year. Grain was disappointed after “so many decisions last year were made on behalf of the student voice.”

“I guess censorship at the U of M has taken a turn for the worse,” he said.

UMSA has ousted Grain from its meetings after his multiple attempts to get them to say anything, which he said “is really all UMSA has been able to do this year anyway.”

Swimp confirmed UMSA’s reason for banning Grain was that the ghost of the public relations voice “didn’t want to listen to whatever student voice the other one was going on about last year.”

She said she was unfamiliar with any student voice herself, but that she had heard about it before.

“My guess is that this ghost saw how last year ended up, and I guess this year it

wanted to see if something different might go better on our end,” she said.

“The ghost of the PR voice has forced us to go silent. It’s doing us a major solid.”

Lenny Frankel, Ivory Buffalo editor-in-chief, expressed the frustration he and other journalists are feeling about the stifled student voice.

“Now that we brought attention to the ghost, we have an idea of what’s been encouraging UMSA to stay silent,” Frankel said.

“Regardless, though, the association is taking an aggressive stance against access to information for students.”

Auto-flush toilet leaves student traumatized U of M, security in disbelief, promise softer flushes

Vander Pumps, staff

Following his afternoon lecture on March 19, Kyle YaBro went to use the restroom in the basement of the Asper school of business building. Upon sitting down, the automatic flusher deployed, and the strong suction “dragged [him] forcefully” through the sewer system. He reappeared in the women’s bathroom at IG Athletic Field on the opposite side of campus.

“It was like, whaaapa, shazam, swish, and then the ladies’ room,” YaBro said.

Poppy Snoop was in the bathroom when YaBro appeared. She described hearing a soft buzz followed by a “gut-wrenching” scream before a “sopping-wet” YaBro pushed the stall door open and walked out.

Wolf Bucha, director of security services, claimed that YaBro’s story was “farfetched” considering how far he went, but instead promised to have more security on campus to “stop this type of mischief.”

In response, YaBro took to social media saying security on campus should be replaced since “they serve no real pur-

pose” if they don’t help students. YaBro told the Ivory Buffalo that security “only uses their presence as a power trip with no real action.”

The University of Manitoba Students’ Association (UMSA) has not yet put out a statement. Students have accused members of the board of liking Twitter posts making fun of YaBro’s situation on their “not-so-secret accounts.”

U of M administration declined an interview, pointing the Ivory Buffalo to a published statement. It says the physics department is looking into how YaBro was dragged into the toilet, and is considering the possible use of “toilet suction transportation” in the future.

Professor of water physics

Sam Neutron called the incident “a freak of nature.” He

is unsure how the 6’7”, 350pound YaBro fit through the pipes, but “fully believes that the event occurred.”

In the meantime, the university promises to “reduce the suction” across all campus toilets.

YaBro said this reaction is “not good enough.”

In a statement to the Ivory Buffalo, YaBro said he is pursuing litigation in the hopes

that it will “rectify this traumatic experience in any way possible.”

YaBro cited not only the “traumatic experience” of being deposited into the sewer system but walking around campus “soaked in toilet water” amid freezing temperatures.

graphic / Michele Melendez / staff

graphic / Bahareh

Rashidi / staff

Complicated Research

Ancient text turns out to be Hozier lyrics

A testament to the timelessness of Hozier’s lyrical musings

Elijah Zeewe, staff last thUrsday, the archaeological community was left bewildered following a startling discovery made by an interdisciplinary team of researchers, including U of M associate professor in the department of anthropology Noah Oscar, during an excavation in the heart of an ancient civilization.

What initially appeared to be a breakthrough in deciphering an enigmatic text dating back centuries turned out to be something far more unexpected - the lyrics of “Take Me to Church” by chart-topping Irish musician Hozier.

Using a revolutionary non-invasive method that harnessed the power of machine learning, the team embarked on a quest to recover ancient

Greek texts from within a carbonized papyrus discovered in Herculaneum, Italy. This seaside Roman town, nestled near Naples, held the promise of revealing centuries-old secrets buried beneath its volcanic ash.

Researchers decoded four passages of 700 characters, recovering 92 per cent of the letters. While the scholars had hoped to unearth ancient philosophical treatises or historical accounts, they found themselves inadvertently immersed in the lyrical musings of Hozier.

“We were floored when we realized the text we had been translating all this while was ‘Take Me to Church,’” Oscar said.

Oscar and the team hypothesized that the anomaly could be attributed to a glitch in

the AI translation software they had been using to assist in the decipherment process.

“It seems our AI algorithms may have developed an affinity for modern poetry rather than classical literature,” Oscar explained. “Who would have thought that beneath the sands of time lay the lyrical genius of Hozier?”

While the revelation may have dashed hopes of uncovering ancient mysteries, it has sparked a newfound appreciation for Hozier’s poetic prowess among the archaeological community.

“‘Take me to church I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies,’” Oscar recited.

“Certainly not what we were expecting from an ancient Greek text but damn I’ll take it! Who needs philosophy when you’ve got a timeless bop.” photo / Pebble Peecasso / staff

Taco Bell discovered on dark side of the moon

Amara Verdi, staff

following Months of in-depth analysis and several millions of dollars invested into research funding, researchers have identified what lies on the dark side of the moon.

It’s a Taco Bell.

“I’ve devoted my life to the study of lunar geography,” said Pilar Ramírez, U of M professor in the department of physics and astronomy. “We’ve never seen anything so extraordinary.”

Images of the Taco Bell were first captured by the University of Toronto’s Enigma-1 satellite, which orbits the moon at approximately 60 kilometres per second. In early March, the satellite captured blurred images of a yellow rectangular shape 75 kilometres northwest of the moon’s Deluc crater.

“The University of Toronto’s department of astronomy couldn’t quite figure out what they were looking at,” Ramírez said. “They needed the entire scientific community to come together.”

Images of the unknown shape were made public and distributed to universities

across Canada in an effort to identify the precise nature of what the satellite had captured.

Ramírez recalled being seated in a Winnipeg Taco Bell when she received the images in a mass email.

“I remember biting into my Cantina Chicken Taco Deluxe Box, a smudge of hot sauce on the corner of my mouth, staring down at pictures of a yellow blob with a dash of magenta and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was looking at a Taco Bell,” she said.

Ramírez conveyed the immense weight of emotions she felt in the moment, stating that “it was like the spirit of Taco Bell itself possessed [her], body and soul.”

“Suddenly, all the pieces of my life came together,” she said. “My troubled childhood, my parents’ divorce, my husband’s lifetime ban from BuildA-Bear; it all led up to this one moment.”

Ramírez immediately informed her department, which conveyed her hypothesis to researchers at the Canadian Space Agency. Her

theory was confirmed last Friday when a lunar rover was spotted around the site holding what scientists suspect is a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito. graphic / Nillad Eniocihc / staff

Ramírez will be honoured with an award from the Canadian Space Agency later this year for her “immense contributions to the field of lunar

The Ivory Buffalo Announces

and culinary sciences.”

“Live Mas, ladies and gents,” said Ramírez, “Next stop, Taco Bell on the moon.”

Complicated Research

program sparks interest in magical sciences

Program director breaks down magic (and just breaks down, period)

Amara Verdi, staff beginning in the fall 2024 to 25 academic term, the U of M’s faculty of science will be offering a new B.Sc. program in magical sciences.

“We’re proud to be taking the lead in advancing magical sciences in western Canada,” said Theodore McGillicuddy, U of M associate professor and director of magical sciences program.

He explained that the program is vital to fostering the development of this important yet understudied area of scientific research. Being a relatively new field, magical sciences are still working to overcome limitations.

“Massive strides have been made in magic in the 21st century,” he said, before joking, “but we still haven’t figured out how to stop your ex-wife from leaving you.”

Before his work spearheading the program, McGillicuddy had an extensive background in quantum physics. In a course at the University of Haskatoon, he taught practical applications of quantum indeterminacy, better known as the Schrödinger’s cat thought experiment.

Under the Copenhagen

interpretation, quantum law suggests that a cat placed in a box with lethal poison will be both dead and alive until the box is opened.

“I’ll always love physics,” McGillicuddy said. “But, frankly, it started to get boring. If you want to see something that’s both dead and alive, you can talk to me any day of the week.”

One of McGillicuddy’s past projects aimed to summon the incarnation of evil itself. His goal was to pay his respects to it, in order to win its favour.

“Unfortunately, the project was unsuccessful,” he said. “She went ahead and divorced me anyway.”

McGillicuddy highlighted the potential of the program to appeal to students of varied backgrounds and interests. Many people might consider going into the field, he said.

“Magic can spark anyone’s

happy in ways no one else is willing to stoop to do.”

“We’re proud to be taking the lead in advancing magical sciences in western Canada”

-Theodore McGillicuddy, director of U of M magical sciences program

interest, even those who are less academically inclined,”

said McGillicuddy. “Like your ex-wife’s new lover. Not that I have anything against Carl. He’s a good guy; sharp as a marble. In fact, I should be thanking him. He makes her graphic / Pebble Peecasso / staff

Over the next month, the U of M will be accepting applications for students wishing to enter the program. An estimated 70 students will be enrolled in magical sciences in the fall of 2024. The projected success of the program, McGillicuddy noted, is “heartwarming.”

“It really gets you think-

Making a splash across lake Manitoba

ing,” he said. “Magic is powerful. But we can’t snap our fingers and be happy. Only quality time with the people we love can give us that.”

“Darlene, if you’re reading this, I will love you forever. Please take me back.”

Scientists discover aquatic nightclub, set to rival Winnipeg’s Cowboys

Elijah Zeewe, staff

in a dive that’s Making a splash across Lake Manitoba, marine biologists from Fisheries and Oceans Canada have discovered an underwater club. Nestled beneath the shimmering surface, this subaqueous hotspot is poised to rival even the most iconic terrestrial establishments, including Winnipeg’s famed Cowboys nightclub.

Led by a team of marine biologists, the discovery of this underwater wonderland promises a nightlife experience unlike any other.

“It’s like stumbling upon Atlantis all over again, but with neon lights and a pumping beat,” remarked Cleo Patra, lead researcher of the Lake Manitoba research expedition.

Among the most captivating features uncovered by the researcher includes the underwater club’s resident DJ, none other than the enigmatic DJ Octopus. Perched atop a set of hot wheels repurposed as a DJ booth, DJ Octopus spins beats that reverberate through the water, drawing aquatic partygoers from far and wide to groove beneath the waves.

“Ink-blub-blurp-bloop-gurgle,” said DJ Octopus, in an interview with the Ivory Buffalo.

“This is just the beginning of what promises to be an epic aquatic adventure,” Patra exclaimed as she unveiled the establishment’s plans for an upcoming April Fools’ event that promises to take underwater revelry to new depths. Open exclusively to those who can swim and hold their breath for three or more hours, the event is set to be a spectacle of unparalleled proportions.

“It’s not your typical night out,” said Patra, “but then again, neither is dancing with dolphins and flailing with flounders.”

With Patra’s recently published report in the Aquatic Journal of Manitoba on the underwater discovery, anticipation is building among party enthusiasts and marine enthusiasts alike. With DJ Octopus at the helm, it’s clear that this subaquatic sensation is set to redefine the meaning of nightlife in Manitoba and beyond.

graphic / Pebble Peecasso / staff

i want to kiss the student association on the mouth

with tongue

Jessie Avenue, staff

noM noM noM get over here and plant one on me, prez!

While, in recent months, I have criticized members of student government because they are in charge of lots of money and do weird stuff with it, the angry emails I received for doing my job have swayed me at last.

Yes, like Brian Bowman writing angrily at a columnist writing at the Free Press, your student leadership has swayed me. So many angry emails from the moms of former UMSA presidents landed in my inbox, scolding me for yelling at their precious little babies. I am now oh-so-horny for student government and cannot wait to mouth-kiss their face sphincters.

Mouths are for food, typ-

ically, but when you love student government as much as I do, mouths should be for sucking out the coffee breath of the president. Readers, your mouths should be for this too.

In months past, former leaders of the student association have emailed me and told me they did such good jobs, and all the good things they did should override anything bad they did. This is a powerful, convincing thing to say.

members’ babies on two separate Wednesdays.

I’ve been listening and learning from readers’ emails. I see you, I hear you. The newspaper is going to function more like flyers and newsletters, especially in the opinion section.

I will swirl my tongue around the beauty of business and your student fees being used to prop up the status quo without complaint

When VP shmoozing with tax evaders Gooby Dambo invited police to come on campus, sucker punch squirrels and scream “I hate the environment,” I should have remembered that he personally ladled out chilli for faculty

Although I have been hired to share my opinion, I will now use my column to advertise goods and services that you could easily find on campus already by walking around or looking through the Ivory Buffalo’s web archives, where we literally covered that stuff already.

No, you’re right, expecting readers to conduct a cursory search is too much to ask. The problem is, I am too mean to UMSA. Here’s one email I got: “why don’t you talk about the good businesses UMSA has opened up?” So true, bestie, why don’t I talk more about the tiny capitalists the student association holds real close to its amorphous face? I will swirl my tongue around the beauty of business and your student fees being used to prop up the status quo without complaint. A journalist’s job is to slurp and burp propaganda, and that’s what I’m going to do. Yes, I see you computer sci-

ence students who moan on Reddit that the newspaper isn’t reflecting your experiences as people who spend three total hours on campus every day after driving to and fro, never interacting closely with the public.

The president of UMSA deserves better from me, and I should write poems about his magnificence because, hey, what screams “reflective of the student experience” louder than being a sycophantic breath smeller? I dunno. Yum yum.

Some Opinions

life is not fun like back in the day

Read to see the columnist crumbling by contemplating on car parking, life

Baroness Cressidah Binky, staff there is a special place in hell for those who made the travel from university to neighbourhoods with affordable housing in Winnipeg difficult and sometimes impossible without a stupid car.

I’m not too fond of cars, but my boyfriend loves cars and car culture, so I now tolerate them.

The unpleasant experience of driving to campus is made worse by the expensive parking. Like many others, we park far from campus and walk 20 minutes to get to class every day. During summer and fall, we fight for our lives with the geese, and in the bone-chilling cold well, we walk. I can complain all day about this, so don’t tempt me.

In the 1980s, some engineering students put a car on top of the Tier building. According to the legends (UM Today), a few engineering students took a car apart, hauled all the parts by rope all

the way up to the roof of Tier, and reassembled it. Oh, the things I would do to live like the older generations. I would love to use up all the resources and complain that the kids these days can’t afford housing because they buy coffee every day.

Anyway, in light of the story of the mighty car atop the roof of the building, I would like to propose that the roofs of all the buildings on campus should be converted into parking spots. I don’t care how we put it up there.

But, according to my car encyclopedia boyfriend, the cars have become so heavy these days, and the engineering is so complicated that he thinks even the manufacturers cannot reassemble them if we take them apart.

“If you try to put an F-150 there, the roof will crumble,” he said when I brought up the idea, as he disapprovingly nodded at the thought of stu-

pid trucks, sipped his coffee and endlessly scrolled through Facebook marketplace in search of a Toyota GR86.

But I want to put cars on buildings. Maybe we could phone some gym bros in engineering to take the vehicle apart? As long as parking inside the campus is $80 a month, I plan to make this a reality.

Apartheid benefitter, transphobe and free speech lover, you-know-who (Elon Musk) has announced that his engineers can make cars fly. So, when the dream of every dystopian novelist comes to fruition, I’ll drive my boyfriend’s 2003 Lexus (which will fly by then) onto the roof of Tier, sunbathe, do some reading, and come down just because I can and drive home.

I miss belonging to the era when people did stupidly fun things. Remember the early 2000s episodes of Just for photo /

Laughs Gags? I guess I’m salty because I never got to experience that. Why is fun so weirdly inaccessible to us the way it was for older generations?

I know the answers lie in

social evils, but it is almost spring. I want to take a break and blame this all on something else. Maybe on car manufacturers who make cars that look like they are perpetually angry.

The Active living Centre is communist

What a disgrace to the spirit of the bison!

i

Jessie Avenue, staff

went to the gyM the other day because I felt like I should make use of the gym pass I’m paying $1,398 for every year that I’m a student here. Imagine my shock when I found out it’s a communist hellscape!

Everyone does use communal equipment. They share it all! And like a bunch of worker bees who are loyal to the state and its centralized distribution whatchamacallits, everyone sits in neat little rows and juices their pumps in regimented, soulless “sets.”

Wake up! You loons are marching knowingly to the beat of Stalin’s drum!

People just sacrifice their individuality every day, for what? For the sake of muscles? Marx’s name was Swedish for muscles! Wake up!

We might as well change the school’s mascot at this rate and erect a statue of it, although it’s going to have to adhere to our commie ministry of culture’s standards. Say hello to “Mao” everyone. We’ll set up a 10-metre-tall marble Mao in the quad, except he’ll be a bison. A bison Mao! With blood pouring out from

beneath his feet. So it’s going to be a red fountain, actually. And we’ll have a hammer and sickle floating around the head of the statue.

Wake up! You’ve all been hoodwinked! You’re a bunch of communists! And the style of the statue will prove it. Brutalist, Soviet-style statuary. Maximalist art nouveau with a pinch of Dada. Maybe the statue will be made of quartz so you can’t see through it very clearly. It’s Orwell’s nightmare, a metaphor for the ways we lose sight of the government! Big brother is always watching! Agghhhh. Communism! It’s 1973 and I have original ideas! I do! Wake up!

Back in my day, when I went to this school for my first degree in 1932, we purchased our own horses and carried them to the gym. Then, we threw them in the garbage and bought new ones the next day. Can you believe that? No! Because you’re all a bunch of sensitive whiners! graphic

Kedendra Stone / staff

To complete Sudoku, fill the board by entering numbers 1 to 9 such that each row, column, and 3x3 box contains every number uniquely. In Straights, like Sudoku, no single number 1 to 9 can repeat in any row or column. But rows and columns are divided by black squares into compartments. Each compartment must form a “straight.” A straight is a set of numbers with no gaps but it can be in any order, eg [7,6,9,8]. Clues in black cells remove that number as an option in that row and column, and are not part of any straight. Glance at the solution to see how “straights” are formed.

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April 1, 2024

Best Arts & Culture

The meaning of life in the bathroom

Public art exhibit opens in the University College girls’ toilets

Alexis Vacation, staff

the University of Manitoba tunnels might be dark, secluded and possibly haunted, but a new anonymous art collective has decided to encourage students to brush up on their urban exploration skills and worm their way through the tunnels to discover a hidden public art showcase in the University College girls’ bathroom.

The exhibit spans multiple toilet stalls in the extremely pink bathroom. Some artists have chosen to sign their works with singular names like Dan and Jenny, but the majority of artworks are left unclaimed, leaving it up to the interpretation of the audience to distinguish artist from artist Artists left some clues, with similar pens popping up to comment multiple times on the same piece or by identifying themselves as the original comment makers, but at its core, the anonymity of these works remains.

The pieces blend art and poetry and function as collab-

orative canvases. Each artist participates in conversations around love, authority, identity and Jacob Elordi in Saltburn.

Each stall features ruminations on different themes. Some stalls are more self-referential to the lavatorial qualities of the pieces with a work featuring the typography “Fix me :(“ juxtaposed with an arrow pointing at a broken lock or “Pretty pretty girlies poo too tee hee” hidden beside the toilet roll dispenser.

These pieces are observing the infrastructure of artwork itself, the function of a bathroom, and asking the hard-hitting questions like “good piss girl?”

A common muse for the exhibit is the inherent struggle between being an independent hot girl and still yearning for love. One artist asks “How do I get a bf? Need some tips,” to which other artists respond with witty and important advice like “idk :)” or “don’t.”

Some artists seem to have

given up on love altogether, leaving instead warnings urging the viewer to “break up with that guy! he doesn’t like you! he is not your man!”

The works also feature a similar queer perspective, bringing forward sapphic desire with questions such as “Who wanna be my girlfriend” surrounded by a conversation that metamorphoses into a music recommendation forum featuring songs by SZA, Clairo and Yuno Miles.

Intense intellectual, philosophical and theological debate also comes across in the exhibited pieces. The collective seems to ask their audience to consider finding a meaning to life while they pee.

Philosophies of life such as “Just gotta shake it out, baby!” next to a rubber-hoselimbed creation having a little boogie highlights the joy and childlike wonder that one can gain from experiencing the world.

Pop culture references such as the ending to season two of Fleabag are regurgitated here in a new context that

emphasizes the importance of finding meaning in everything. “It’ll pass” can reference both hardships and poop.

When coming away from this exhibit one might feel overwhelmed by the beauty, rigour and intellect present at the university. These student artists are dedicated to spreading messages such as “you are redeeme.” The anonymous collective, who declined an interview with the Ivory Buffalo, may never reveal their true

intentions behind this exhibit, yet it will be hard for any of those who have witnessed it to forget the words they wrote.

“Keep y’all heads up :) in the meantime imma piss <3”

The artwork will remain up in the bathroom stalls ofthatoneverypinkbathroom in University College untiltheuniversitydecides topaintitoverandwelose allthisbeautifulwork.

You’re not allowed in Student group joins isolation battle...on the side of isolation

Addison Birthday, staff

It is not uncommon for students to feel isolated at university.

It’s hard to know who to talk to, how to meet people and when someone does or doesn’t want to connect.

Sometimes it can feel like everyone else is part of some big friend group or club that you are on the outside of. This student group hopes to soothe these worries by reassuring you that you are not crazy.

There is a big group you are not allowed into.

The exclusion club, run by Ben Ishamont, Raj Jection and Ostra Cysm, spawned from a love of hating and being haters. The group aims to increase the isolation on campus and make people even more afraid of connecting with one another.

Membership is only granted to those who are cool enough, marked against the ancient rubric of universally agreedupon coolness that has never changed, waivered, altered or shifted over the centuries.

“There is no way of knowing who is in and who isn’t,” said Ishamont. “It’s just a vibe!”

Sometimes student groups connect on similar interests, class subjects or joined activities. The exclusion club bucks this trend by planning to never connect on anything.

“We’re hoping to just have rancid vibes, honestly,” Cysm told the Ivory Buffalo

“Think cold glares and awkward silences. We aren’t even going to enjoy arguing with one another!”

Cysm went to speak more before Jection interrupted with “What are we? Debate club?” and spat on the ground. The group tries their hardest to not even like each other.

“It can be hard,” Ishamont admits, “but the first rule of exclusion club is that anyone found connecting with someone has to be rejected. It’s hard to find people with nothing in common.”

Cysm found herself a part of exclusion club when witnessing the rise of connection happening on campus. “There are so many people working so passionately for students to interact and meet one another,” said Cysm while glaring.

“I just see people engaging in their education and spark-

ing conversations after class and it’s like ‘woah, lame-o alert!!’ Where are the people working to make everyone feel like a lonely outsider, you know?”

Jection themselves spent two years living in a studio apartment taking Zoom classes.

“I literally didn’t see anyone face to face for months at a time. The isolation was terrible for me and my mental health — why would I want that to change?”

Ishamont and Cysm briefly

nodded before catching themselves agreeing and then began staring daggers at each other.

When asked why the group was so afraid of something as simple as connection and bonding, Ishamont stomped their feet and shouted — “Sometimes I don’t want to be part of a community. Sometimes I want to be miserable!”

The club plans to maybe meet at the Tier building or Fletcher Argue, or even the dark abandoned daycare in the tunnels out by L

Lot. “Who’s asking, anyway?” Ishamont said, “They’re probably not allowed in.”

Exclusion club meetings will be held at a time disclosed by the secret whispersinthetunnels,orwhen the light of a waxing gibbous hits certain buildings attherightangle,orifyou know someone who knows someone who is in the know (youprobablydon’t).

photo / Himothy / staff

photo / Alexis Vacation / staff

More Arts & Culture

My life with the school boys — artist edition

Interviewing guys who are not artists about their art careers

Francis Fleston, staff

In this week’s segment of My Life with the School Boys, where I go up to random boys from school and interview them like they’re professionals in various fields of my choosing, I take to the streets to discuss art, in its finest form.

Random guy one, the Banksy fan:

Q: “So, how did you get into art?”

A: “What?”

Q: “I said, how did you get into art?”

A: “Into art? What do you mean”

Q: “I mean, have you always been into art?”

A: “Uh I guess so. I mean, my first encounter with a real artist was Banksy.”

Q: “Really? Tell me about that.”

A: “Yeah. So, I guess I started getting into it when I watched Exit Through the Gift Shop, which is about Banksy, and then Mr. Brainwash, who is another artist

who basically copied Banksy’s style and stuff.”

Q: “So, you want to copy Mr. Brainwash?”

A: “Nah, I want to copy Banksy.”

Q: “But by copying Banksy, you would be copying Mr. Brainwash.”

A: “Huh?”

Random Guy two, the fashionable yet confused:

Q: “Hi. So, can you tell me how you got into art?”

A: (looking up from his phone, half sitting on the ledge, confused.) “Huh? into art?”

Q: “Yeah. Like, how did you get into it?”

A: (looking around) “What do you mean, ‘how did I get into it’?”

Q: “How. Did. You. Get into it? How did you get into art?”

A: “Girl, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Q: “Dude, you’re an artist. I mean, look at you.”

A: (currently swagged

out in a creamy white puffer jacket, dark blue quarter-zip and grey straight-legged jeans with white sneakers to finish off the look. After brief self-examination, he smiles.)

“Ha! You’re right, I am!”

A: “So what’s your name?”

Q: :/

Random schoolboy three, the only artist interviewed:actually

Q: (looming over) “Hi. Can you tell me how you got into art?”

graphic / Simon Pensato / staff

A: (initially not aware he’s being interviewed, wearing headphones and drawing on a sketchpad. He inevitably notices my presence and removes headphones.)

“Sorry?”

Q: “How did you get into art?”

A: (big smile) “Oh!” (light laughter) “I just doodled all the time as a kid. It never really stopped.”

Q: “I see that. And what are you drawing right now?”

A: “Oh, it’s a hand. It’s just, I don’t know ” (He waves his hand around in a bear claw shape.)

Q: “An artist’s hand?”

A: (points a finger at me like I know, which I kinda do.) “An artist’s hand, exactly. And this (the interview) is for what exactly, haha?”

Q: “For the Ivory Buf-

Basement Mixtape for buffalo: seance serenade

Ghostly alumnus curates playlist

Rolland S. Willoby, spirit

Salutations, my fellow alumni.

My name is Rolland Willoby and by the grace of the poor soul who runs this particular section of our great institution’s newspaper, I have been summoned with the intention to create a selection of music I hold in the highest regard, for your ears to behold.

Normally, I spend my long eternal afterlife haunting the halls of the administrative building , where I studied theology and law in the year 1911, although I had a hidden delight for poetry that my fellow peers did not take seriously — they thought it was far too bacchanalian.

My life was brought to a cruel end in that building of wonderful and melancholic scholastic memories. I was reciting on the top floor to the most handsome woman when, in a fit of passion akin to Edgar Allan Poe himself, I tumbled over the railing and plummeted headfirst to the bottom floor.

Moving on, it was in venturing out of my usual haunt that I discovered musical delights outside my era. Oh the beauty of Édith Piaf, such sorrow to not have just missed the twenties and thirties. I would’ve loved to have, what is the word… jitterbug!

Yes. Jitterbug. My dearest academic peers, here you will find operatic music nostalgic of my childhood and home as well as this one ballad I heard playing once, by talented gentlemen of your generation… a Mr. Flowing Rider and Mr. Tee Payne.

I bid you farewell and hope to see you on the other side,

— Rolland S. Willoby

Fantasia in F Minor, K. 609 — Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Ivan Ronda

Dies Irae — Giuseppe Verdi, Yuri Temirkanov

Overture from The Phantom of the Opera Motion Picture — Andrew Lloyd Webber

Danse Macabre — Camille Saint-Saëns, Slovak Radio Symphony Orchestra, Keith Clark

Trapdoor Creakings — Haunted House Sound Effects, Halloween Sound Effects, Creepy Sound Effects

Let’s Misbehave — Irving Aaronson and his Commanders Lullaby of the Leaves — Henry Hall, The BBC Dance Orchestra graphic / Nillad Eniocihc / staff

falo.” (I hand him a copy of the latest edition of our new paper.)

Stay tuned for next week, where I interview guys at school about their careers as Landscape Architects!

Low (feat. T-Pain) — Flo Rida La Foule — Édith Piaf

Athlete scholarships axed to build jungle gym Learn about a new form of exercise promoted

Berlin Applebee, staff

In an effort to promote exercise on campus, the University of Manitoba plans to revoke all student-athlete scholarships and boost morale by building a new indoor McDonald’s jungle gym.

Kids love McDonald’s, so why can’t adults love it too?

Indeed, the McDonald’s play structure offers many features for people of all ages.

It features a 10-foot-tall swing set and a giant hollow jungle gym to promote a more active lifestyle for all staff and students.

After buying a delectable burger from McDonald’s, one can just pop over to the adjacent gym for some climbing with friends.

However, some student-athletes are not happy about the recent changes to their athletic scholarship to fund this new project.

Timmy Moore, a student-athlete on the hockey team, expressed his outrage

at this sudden switch. “It’s just not fair! We deserve to keep our scholarships instead of a McDonald’s play-place,” he said.

While Moore may say he disagrees with the university’s decision to build the jungle gym, he was spotted last week enjoying some sizzling hot fries saturated in all that McDonald’s goodness.

Coupled with the playplace’s unique approach to promoting wellness, it also exists as a visual equivalent to a Willy Wonka fever dream, reminding us to all embrace our inner child while enjoying fitness.

Bartly Snuggerud expressed positive feelings about this new transition in U of M athletics. “I think it’s high time we students got access to facilities that encourage exercise in a new and funky way,” he said.

Funky is right. This indoor play structure will feature childhood characters from

by McDonald’s

the McDonald’s crew, such as the Hamburglar, Grimace, and Captain Crook. These childhood favorites will simply exist throughout the play area.

Marylou Barlowe, a student at the U of M, expressed her feelings about this new fixture on campus. “I feel like this is a great add-on for the student graphic

body,” she said, adding that “student-athletes who lost their scholarships will need to learn to adapt.”

Students will have the opportunity to play in the ball pit and crawl through tubes and soft netting at no cost, to help alleviate the stress of exams or to experience childhood nostalgia once again.

The McDonald’s play-place will be constructed where the old James Daly Fieldhouse used to be. Access to the play area will be granted to all staff and students for free. It will also offer food and an opportunity to exercise.

Soccer hooliganism result of boring game

Local youth desperate for excitement at games resort to anarchy

Hugh Morris, staff

A groundbreaking new study conducted by the highly-esteemed Winnipeg Trustees of Fraudulency (WTF) claims that much of the boorish behaviour demonstrated by Winnipeg’s youth at soccer matches between the Mendacious South Sports + Entertainment-owned East St. Paul Peacocks and the collectively owned Portage Avenue Penny-Pinchers is a consequence of the sheer dullness of the game, and absolutely nothing else.

Naturally, your reporter went to investigate that is, he went to see if a soccer game is truly so boring that it can incite acts of social barbarism.

At the last match between the Penny-Pinchers and the Peacocks, endearingly dubbed the “Copa Winnipega,” police reports indicated that at least three people died while several others were hospitalized, and 36 were incarcerated. Following the match, which ended in a 0-0 draw, many local businesses were broken into and vandalized in obscene ways as well.

Despite the potentially dangerous atmosphere, each match typically draws upwards of 50,000 spectators.

Your reporter happened to

run into a Penny-Pincher supporter before the most recent match.

Evan Keel, a rugged 27-year-old who works as a coal miner in Flin Flon, said, “I never miss a Copa Winnipega. I wouldn’t dream of it

they’re what I live for.”

When asked about his love for the game and whether he finds it boring, Keel said, “sometimes it’s hard to get engaged, for sure that’s why we pre-game and sing and chant and curse at Peacock fans.”

“You know,” he said, wrapping a swole arm around me, “come to think of it, when the players just kick the ball back and forth in their own half for minutes at a time, nothing breaks the monotony like punching a Peacock fan in the face.”

Finding his seat, your reporter smelt an acrimonious fragrance rather like burning plastic.

His attention was diverted to the match, however.

The East St. Paul Peacocks started with possession of the ball. In fact, they kept the ball for the whole half, knocking it about while the PennyPincher players desperately tried to steal it away. Something, I cannot quite put my finger on what, seems to have

prevented them.

Presently, a ginormous blaze engulfed the west side of the stadium.

Working the grapevine, your humble reporter tracked down the proud arsonist.

Harry Rump, an extremely jovial, red-cheeked man in his late 30s, said, “I could tell nothing was going to happen before the match even started, man.”

“Before meeting up with a couple Peacock fans to scrap, as one does, I saw a really full trash can, and” here he paused theatrically, so your reporter prompted him “and, well, that’s when I started the fire, you see,” he said with a radiant though quite swollen face.

Rump had a point. The conflagration certainly brought excitement to the match.

Luckily enough, the fire department was on hand because, as a spokesperson informed me, “little blazes crop up all the time.”

“This one was a bit bigger than usual,” they said, “but no reason to stop the match.”

As for the match, it ended 0-0.

On his way out, slipping past various Peacock and PennyPincher interlocutors, your correspondent got a chance to speak to a couple more

fans. Mike Reinhardt, a young man decked in a Peacock scarf who looked like he would star as the high-school quarterback in a cheesy drama, said that “after the 90th minute ended 0-0, I just had to throw a Molotov cocktail onto the pitch.”

Looking thoroughly exasperated, he said, “if you want to see real action on the pitch, you’ve gotta create it yourself sometimes. That’s kinda what my dad says about his job; he’s a banker.”

Trina Woods, another ardent fan of the Peacocks

and daughter of a lawyer, echoed Reinhardt’s sentiments.

“By the eighth minute of the game,” she said, “I could already feel my frontal lobe shutting down. I’m just glad I brought my flares.”

When queried why, Woods said, laughing, “I mean, if I didn’t bring flares, how else would I entertain myself?”

Overall, it seems the “Copa Winnipega” is giving Winnipeg’s youth a chance to release their pent-up energy if only soccer could say the same.

photo / Himothy / staff

This is a JOKE .