From ThankfullyInstitute…Thethesocietalstigma of going to a counselor has just about died, at least in most settings. Sadly, it may not be so among ministers. A generation ago a minister who went to a counselor would probably be cautious about telling others he was going to one, lest he get dismissed from his role. And, still today, many would feel that way. While, we applaud, encourage, and even often refer people to go to a professional counselor when needed, we, as ministers may not feel as Thecomfortable.realityisthat most elderships and members would, in fact, support a minister who needs counseling, receiving it. The Bible is clear on the value of wise counsel. Proverbs 20:18 says in part: “Plans succeed through good counsel.” And Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” Couple those two verses with Proverbs 11:14 “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors [there is] safety” and it is hard to deny that we are actually wise to relieve good counsel. Biblically, counsel can come for good sources and bad ones. We have to be wise enough to discern which is which. Counsel that would lead someone away from the Words of God, may dress in the name “Christian Counselor” but is not. Ministers, counsel that would cause you to think less of the local church or of Her leaders must be avoided. And, while professional licensed counselors may be excellent, a license does not ensure wise counsel. Some of your best counsel might come from a fellow minister who has experienced what you are facing or who understands the life of ministry. “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Proverbs 27:9 NLT). Surround your ministry, the whole of your ministry with friends in ministry on whom you can lean and to whom you can confidentially confide. You and they will be blessed by it. It is be design that most of our writers this offering are trained in counseling, but they are all ministers. Our lead article this issue is from “the minister’s counselor,” Lonnie Jones. You’ll also hear from Neil Ritchie on “A Minister Goes to A Counselor.” You’ll relate and be encouraged by “The Green Mile” from Doug Gregory’s pen. Gary Dodd will serve you on long-term illness. We’ll close out featuring Dean Miller on loss which will move and enlighten you, and Craig Evans shares on one of the most destructive “ism’s” that plague those in ministry, Criticism. For good measure this time we had a talk with Ben and Travis for this month’s interview. It’s our prayer that this issue of On Preaching and Ministry will be a blessing and that you’ll share it with others. Thank you for what you do! If you need us, we’re a text or call away. In His Service, Jeff and TheJenkinsInstitute.comDale
“Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand”(Proverbs 19:20-21, ESV).
Minister’sTheMentalHealth Lonnie Jones MS, LPC, NCC, Keeping Up With Jones: The Lonnie Jones Podcast lonjones@bellsouth.netAdventure
The “Jones:LonnieMentalMinister’sHealthJonesMS,LPC,NCC,KeepingUpWithTheLonnieJonesPodcastAdventure
FREDRIC H. JONES “Positive Classroom Discipline” My dear friend Carey File owns Delta Ridge Barbeque Sauce. His logo reads, “A Cow, a Pig and Chicken walk into a barbeque joint… THE Conflict,END.”Pressure and Frustration walked into the minister’s office on Monday morning…THE END. Conflict, Pressure and Frustration are bothers or at least cousins. They belong to the Stress family. As ministers we deal with these three phenomena on a daily basis. These three experiences may be real—a toxic eldership, an enmeshed family at your congregation who is problematic, the constant, unrelenting confrontation with sin’s consequences and the hurt and devastation it leaves in its wake as manifested in hurt, tearful, lost, despondent, devastated, and suffering people. These three experiences may be perceived. The minister may suffer from cognitive distortions, interpretation, or personalization errors. In either case they are devastating to your life, family, career, and Chronicsoul. stress is possibly more deadly than acute stress. Acute stressors such as an unexpected death in the congregation, a church split, a divorce, natural disaster in the community or any of the things we’d consider outside the normal experience are hard to deal with but as rare events they are typically dealt with in time and time heals all wounds. To illustrate chronic stress simply pick up your coffee cup. It may be a mug, a fancy stainless steel ark of the coffee type container or a simple disposable Starbucks, Duncan Donuts container. Just lift it. It’s not too heavy. In fact it is not “heavy” by any means. Now hold it out at to your side, at shoulder level with a straight arm and keep it there for the next five minutes. That which was enjoyable or even comforting just became burdensome, that which was manageable just became impossible. In the course of three minutes your world view just became focused on your rotator cuff. Adding anything else to your cup or on the end of your wrist would create catastrophic system failure. The straw which breaks the camel’s back does not have to be a devastating event. It often is but it is only devastating because it is added to the end of an already chronically stressed IIsystem.Corinthians 1:8 “…we were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.” I’m not sure if Paul’s pressure was acute or chronic but the result is the same. Despair and either believing it was the end or wishing it was the end. The end of this passage gives us the key to crisis management. We are taught to not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. Although our hope, competency, and resilience is ultimately in God we often can’t focus on God because to the chronic (real or perceived) conflict, pressure and frustration.
Sometimes there’s a part of me, That wants to turn from here and go Running like a child from these warm stars Down the seven bridges road.” The Eagles “Seven Bridges Road” “The main myth about burnout is that it happens after six to ten years on the job. In fact, it happens every day. Feeling that you want to quit is simply the end of the line, like dying of cancer after you’ve had it for six years. The cancer has been present for six years consuming you day by day. Deciding that you don’t want to teach anymore is not burnout. It is simply the final, unavoidable, terminal event. If you feel exhausted and drained at the end of each working day, you are dying professionally by inches.”
Romans 12 teaches “as much as possible, as much as it depends on you” which may intimate that in some cases it may not be possible and may not depend on you. Be careful that toxic individuals do not gain control of your life.
The following is a short list of principles taken from the book, “Grappling With Life: Controlling Your Inside Space.” These principles assume that in setting these limits we possess a good degree of self-insight and are more self-aware than we are selfabsorbed. Self-control is not just about temperance or moderation in action it is also about our thoughts. Here is a short path to getting where we need to Conflict,be.
Pressure and Frustration walk into the minister’s office and the minister has posted a sign in his heart and it reads: My emotions are information and not Theinstructions.wayIthink affects the way I live and minister. I can choose joy and contentmentin spite of circumstances. It’s not the “WHAT” but rather the “HOW” I face circumstances. My competency is measured by God and not by people therefore: I will not accept responsibility for things I do not control (I do not have the power to make you mad, happy, faithful, sober, or spiritual. If I did you would make different choices). I will not allow others to control things that do not belong to them (Other people are not able to dictate my happiness, success, competency, or spirituality). I will avoid ALL verses NOTHING thinking (The distance between ideal and unacceptable is a very large gap and not razor thin line of demarcation). Neurotic perfectionism is infectious and often damages our marriages and children as well as our ministries. I will not compare my inside (what I know about me) to your outside (what I merely see about you). Be careful not to confuse the criterion for SUPER with being SUPERficial.
There are several cognitive distortions/ interpretation errors that prevent us from relying on God. It’s the classic example of not really being lost. “I wasn’t actually lost. I knew exactly where I was. I knew I shouldn’t be there. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. I knew I needed to be there. I just didn’t know how to get there.”
I will manage the quality and duration of my connections. I won’t let toxic people turn my connections into entanglements.
Stress management is not about eliminating stress but rather managing our response to conflict, pressure and frustration in the context of accountability, integrity, empathy and service. Inherent in the Christian ethic is proper balance of how we perceive ourselves and care for ourselves. An inability to do this with balance negates our ability to do so with others. “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
A CounselorGoesMinistertoaNeilRichey,Ph.D.,
We often say that ministers in the churches of Christ do not wear titles. However, who would argue that ministers wear many hats? Much is expected of the minister, and he usually serves without complaint and will often wear himself out in his ministry for God and His Duringpeople.the recent COVID-19 Pandemic, we learned that many ministers became first responders in their churches and communities. Most ministers likely took on their responsibility voluntarily, yet many added to an already overloaded plate of responsibilities (Dunbar et al., 2020). An increased workload among ministers during crises is not new (Greene et al., 2020). Likewise, it is not unusual during times like these for ministers to experience things like compassion fatigue and isolation as a result of their ministry to the church and community during a crisis (Greene et al., 2020; JacksonJordan, 2013; Lewis et al., 2007).
The literature tells us that during crises like the COVID-19 Pandemic, ministers are often the first ones to whom society turns because faith plays a critical role in mental health and overall wellness (Breuninger et al., 2014; Dein et al., 2020; Hedman, 2014; Vermas et al., 2017). Some ministers find themselves in the dilemma of being unprepared to handle collective trauma by themselves (Wittwer, 2020). In an independent study of ministers across the United States, 100% of those polled were in favor of soliciting the help of professional counselors in times of crisis, and about 80% of these research participants referred church members to professionals during the COVID-19 Pandemic (Richey, Question:2022).
Theending.following are words of encouragement for the minister seeking a counselor. First, counseling is a noble work; therefore, utilizing such help puts one in good company. Jesus
LPC, neilrichey@yahoo.comNCCNeil
What about ministers going to a counselor? Who ministers to the minister? Who counsels the counselor? Who helps the helper? In the same study referenced above, approximately 50% of the participants shared that they either attended counseling or were not opposed to seeking the services of a professional counselor (Richey, 2022). The level of openness in this study was encouraging. Perhaps the day when the stigma of ministers going to see a counselor is
was and is a counselor (Isaiah 9:6). The Bible is replete with examples of those who sought the counsel of Jesus. While seeking the help of Jesus is always the best place to start, there are times when it's helpful to sit face-to-face with a trained professional to process through challenges in life.
While there are poor counselors, those who practice their craft with a high degree of ethics will honor their client's Christian worldview and will ask questions that challenge the client to function consistently within their belief system. For instance, a counselor will ask questions like: what do you believe? Why do you believe it? Can you defend that belief? Are you living according to those beliefs? (Barnes, 2017). The counselor does not guide the client to a new religion.
Second, there is a higher level of confidentiality when meeting with a professional counselor. Though one may have a trusted friend, a counselor's reputation and livelihood rest on their ability to maintain confidentiality. Many ministers have been betrayed by well-meaning friends when a confidential matter was not kept private.
Individualized balance awareness: A treatment guide for licensed professionals in the field of mental health. (2nd ed.). ASIN: B07D54BLLN Breuninger, M., Dolan, S. L., Padilla, J. I., & Stanford, M. S. (2014). Psychologists and clergy working together: A collaborative treatment approach for religious clients. Journal of Spirituality in Mental Health, 16(3), 149–170. 10.1080/19349637.2014.925359https://doi.org/ Dein, S., Loewenthal, K., Lewis, C. A., & Pargament, K. I. (2020). COVID-19, mental andhealthreligion: an agenda for future research. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 23(1), 1–9. https://doi.org/
Finally, below are two resources that may help the minister who is seeking counseling. The website www.psychologytoday.com is a great place to search for a provider. One can filter their search by looking for such things as the provider's location, whether they accept insurance, is there a telehealth option, and what their religious alliance is. Another option for affordable services is www.betterhelp.com. This platform allows one to connect with a licensed provider in their state, and the advertised cost is negotiable based on income. The client may interact with their provider multiple times daily and throughout the week via a HIPPAcompliant messaging platform. Additionally, the provider will meet with their client weekly on a video conference call.
Something personal: I have been preaching for 25 years. Additionally, I am a counselor educator at Freed-Hardeman University and a licensed professional counselor. I have connected many people with a licensed professional counselor in their area. Please contact me if you want me to help you find someone to work with you. Your request will be kept
Third, it is possible to go to counseling without the fear that a counselor will derail one's faith.
Fourth, counseling is easily accessible. Traveling to a counselor's office for a helping session is no longer necessary. The Pandemic increased awareness of the efficacy of TeleMental Health counseling (e.g., HIPPA compliant video conferencing). From the comfort of one's home or the privacy of their own office, they can meet in a virtual counseling space with their provider.
Barnes,neil@betterlivingandcounselingservices.comconfidential.ReferencesS.(2017).
Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 12(S1), S143–S145. https://doi.org/10.1037/ Hedman,tra0000641A.(2014).
Burnout(2020).Dunbar,#cases_casesper100klast7days.10.1080/13674676.2020.1768725tracker/S.,Frederick,T.,Thai,Y.,&Gill,J.Calling,caring,andconnecting:inChristianministry. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 23(2), 173–186. in(2020).Greene,doi.org/10.1080/13674676.2020.1744548https://T.,Bloomfield,M.A.P.,&Billings,J.PsychologicaltraumaandmoralinjuryreligiousleadersduringCOVID-19.
Perceptions of depression, counseling and referral practices, and self-efficacy reported by Minnesota clergy. Pastoral Psychology, 63(3), andJackson-Jordan,https://doi.org/10.1007/s11089-013-0544-6291–306.E.A.(2013).Clergyburnoutresilience:Areviewoftheliterature. The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling 67(1). 1–5. Lewis10.1177/154230501306700103https://doi.org/C.A.,TurtonD.W.,&Francis L.J. (2007). Clergy work-related psychological health, stress, and burnout: an introduction to this special issue of mental health, religion and culture. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 10(1), 1–8. Richey,10.1080/13674670601070541https://doi.org/T.N.(2022).
How religious leaders view the role of counselors in assisting clients with spirituality issues in times of crisis. [Unpublished doctoral dissertation.] University of the Vermaas,Cumberlands.J.D.,Green, J., Haley, M., & Haddock, L. (2017). Predicting the mental health literacy of clergy: An informational resource for counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 39(3), 225–241. Wittwer,mehc.39.3.04https://doi.org/10.17744/T.(2020).Pastoralconsiderations for a pandemic. Stimulus: The New Zealand Journal of Christian Thought & Practice, 27(3), 28–34. publication/z0YvCh2/article/PCCADzghttps://hail.to/laidlaw-college/
Ministry Is Like Walking On The Green Mile…
Doug Gregory, jimdouglasgregory@gmail.com
You and I cannot cure physical diseases, but we are asked regularly to try and help people and families with spiritual ones. I have been at the home of a dying loved one and listened for hours about how this family member doesn’t get along with other family members, and how they had to literally start pad locking gates on the family farm to keep him out. Just last week in a 3-4 hour span, I talked to a man who most likely will be in prison for the rest of his life, and his attempts to get out included many topics that were borderline insane, and he said things to me I would be ashamed to repeat in front of my mother. He begged and pleaded for me to help and even at one point was trying to shame me into it. I agreed to contact two other people for him to ask a simple yes or no question and both of those conversations included an unloading on me of the previous history (of which I am very aware of already). Then, before I could even start to try to get back to doing the work I needed to get done, it was time for a previously scheduled meeting, and that meeting started with an, “We need to talk, I have had two scans done recently, and the doctors think I may have cancer, and I am having
And often being the preacher feels like being John Coffey (“Like The Drink Only Not Spelled The Same”). If you haven’t seen the movie starring Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Duncan, or if you need a refresher basically Duncan’s character (Coffey) has been wrongfully convicted of the murder of two young girls. Coffey has supernatural abilities including the gift of healing and when he is discovered with the two small girls he is screaming and covered in their blood. Everyone assumes John did it, but in reality, John was trying to “Take It Back” to undo the horrible wrongs that had been committed. He was not able to but shortly after coming to Death Row (The Green Mile), John shows his magic abilities again. He heals Tom Hank’s character (Paul) of a severe infection, he brings a pet mouse back to life, and in his biggest feat he removes a brain tumor from the warden’s wife. John’s powers to heal are amazing, but he also can feel other people’s pain and emotions. He touches them, he can see “What’s In Their Heart” which includes the evil they have done before, and he can also predict the future in an amazing way. You probably think that sounds like a good story but what does it have to with Preaching and Ministry? Well, a lot more than you might realize at first. I am a preacher and minister and I do not have any supernatural abilities and I am guessing you don’t either, but if you serve the Lord in any ministerial capacity, I’m guessing that at least once you have been in a horrible gut-wrenching situation and you wished you could take it back and you couldn’t. I received a call one Tuesday afternoon about 12:45. An ambulance had been called out to a home of a former church member for a 3month-old little girl who had stopped breathing in her crib. I struggled with what to do, and after a few minutes and many prayers I went to that home to be with the family. I stood beside the ambulance door and shed tears in silence for a family ripped apart. I stood in the front yard and watched as the mother collapsed screaming and wailing with an intensity of which I do not have proper words to describe. I stood there helpless, and I couldn’t take it back, and I have never been the same since.
to go for another test soon, will you pray for me”. I don’t tell you all of this to brag, or to say woe is me. This is ministry. This is what we signed up for, even if they didn’t really teach us that in college or preaching school (or perhaps we didn’t know what to listen for). The job of a minister is to Live the Word, Struggle and Persist Through Our Own Issues Using The Word, Teaching the Word, And Helping Others Using the Word. We do not have superpowers even though many people treat us like we do. They will tell you their deep dark secrets. They will ask you to bear their burdens without any knowledge or consideration of the burdens you already are carrying. They will seek your prayers because you’re the preacher, and some how you have a special red bat phone sitting up in heaven and God will listen to you more than anyone else. We don’t have any superpowers. We just have listening ears, a caring heart, and sometimes a word or two of wisdom that is derived from God’s Book of IfWisdom.you’re anything like me, this simple process of listening and caring can take an immense toll on your heart. When John Coffey healed someone, amazing things happened. The music shifts, the lighting changes, a strange glow would be emitted from His hands or face, and in one scene time literally stands still and the entire house shakes. What was happening was amazing, but at the same time this process of helping another visibly hurt John. He would start to cough and choke, or fall to his knees, and after he would need to rest. I don’t know about you, but I see myself here. I want to help. I want to bear burdens and be like my Lord, but while making my feeble attempts to do so often my heart gets hurt just a little in the process. I may not think of the person with cancer or the man in prison every moment of every day, but it is like an emotional tension and pressure that builds up over time. It is like death by a thousand cuts. I can sense myself getting shorter and snappier with others including my own family. I can feel myself getting more negative and cynical, and soon little mole hills become mountains. When I get this way, it is like standing at the edge of the ocean. Instead of being able to enjoy the little and big waves, instead of being able to look around in awe and marvel for where I am, I feel like even the smallest wave is going to be the one to pull me under and drown me. I can taste the salt water, and I wonder how much fight do I have left in me before I give up and quit trying to tread water. But this is the thing about John Coffey. When he helps someone, when it hurts him in the process, part of what he does is open his mouth and this swarm of insect things pour out. He literally purges it from himself and after that He can rest and recuperate. We cannot shy away from other people and their pain. Ministry is messy because people and their lives are messy, but we must be able to develop our own way to purge the emotional pressure from our hearts or it will be the thing that satan uses to tear us and our ministries
Youapart.probably agree with me here, but the age-old question lingers nearby. How do we do that? You are all ministers, so God’s Word and Prayer must be at the top of the list, and for good reason. God’s Word does have all things we need for Life and Godliness within, but the hard part is knowing which piece you need for your situation in the moment and then applying it. This is hard at times but definitely not impossible. Prayer gives a direct and open line with the Creator of the universe, and the wonderful thing is, if you They will tell you their deep dark secrets. They will ask you to bear anyburdenstheirwithoutknowledge
If Jesus needed three men who were about to deny Him to go pray with Him while He sweat drops of blood before the cross, then we need to be willing to show our weakness and vulnerabilities to others. We need to be brave enough to raise our hands and say we need help when the time comes. Find you someone to talk to and if you have no one, call me 615 418-3837. When I answer just say I’m a Preacher, Elder, Etc. and I need help, and I will be glad to listen. God Bless You and Keep You �
I am fully convinced that any able-bodied Christian man could become a preacher, but the hard part is staying one! The ministry of Jesus Christ is far too important of a work for me to let my pride and arrogance get in the way, and to think I can do this all on my own.
don’t know what to say like Hezekiah when he wept bitterly during a prayer after Isaiah told him he would die, then the Holy Spirit has you covered and can translate for you (Romans 8:26). Prayer sometimes is like a rescue transponder pinging out across the heavens, and luckily for us God has His radio on. We need to talk God, but James 5:16 is a verse that applies to preachers as well. We don’t like to admit flaws and chinks in our armor (or faith), but the truth remains that when you are willing to be vulnerable with another human being, something magically happens. You help take away the sting of whatever it is that bothers you when you put words to it and bring it out to the light and say here is it. satan wants you to sit and suffer in silence for that is where he has the greatest chance to discourage you to the point of surrender. DON’T LET HIM LIE TO YOU!!!. We must build up a network of people we trust. We need to build those relationships and be willing to fight to protect those relationships at all costs, even if it means fighting satan himself. I am blessed to have some of these people in my life. They have brought me back from the edge of the pit more times that I would like to admit, and they have all seen me shed more than one tear on more than one occasion. One of them is my spouse. She isn’t a preacher but she knows my heart and she can often see things I can’t see. Rarely have I written a sermon or a bible class where I don’t give her a 30,000-foot overview of it and if she says ok, I know I have something worth presenting to others. I am thinking of another gentlemen who is not a preacher and is old enough to be my grandpa, and with whom I truly wish God would have planted me into his family. This of course would be this moment where he would stop me and say you are my family, and he means it with every fiber of his being. He is the best Barnabas I know, and only God in heaven above will be able to tally the amount of good that him and his dear wife have done for God’s kingdom and for me and my family. I can tell you about an Elder who has a near magical ability to sit down with anyone in their valley of despair, and just listen, and just be with you. He doesn’t try to hide his past which includes more than one addiction, and several other things that would cause a lesser man to fall away from God, and because of that he has a way of passing out hope like a politician passes out “vote for me” cards! I also couldn’t even start to count the number of preacher cellphone numbers I have, where no matter how well or how little I know them, they would stop what they are doing and they would listen to me and try to help me if I called them.
Dean Miller, Founder/Director of Widowhood deanmiller@widowhoodworkshop.comWorkshop,
Mental Health and Loss
“What’s wrong with me?” About three weeks after my wife passed away on Christmas morning of 2013, sitting in an empty house, that is what I said. “What’s wrong with me?” I said that aloud. It was spontaneous. No one else was in the house. I am not one to talk to myself (although I know several who are). Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Well, I was a mess. I was struggling mightily. A man. A Christian. A Christian college graduate. A preacher. A teacher of many classes about the problem of human suffering, even grief classes. My wife had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease some eight years previous to her passing. I witnessed her decline. While she was bedfast those last several months, I personally cared for her day and night. It’s not like I didn’t see her death coming. Clearly, she was going to die. I knew it. Yet, after it happened, I was a mess. Why? Answer: I am human. And so are all the rest of us. Experiencing loss can really do a number on us. It can have an impact far beyond our expectations. “Am I going crazy?” Loss can cause us to wonder about our mental health. In reading quite a bit about life after loss, I always find it interesting how many articles or books allude to some form of this question. Loss produces grief. It’s a natural reaction to losing something or someone we value. “Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose itches” (Manning, 60). It’s as human as human gets. We are not robots. We are not machines. We are grieve:maycouldotherstherewhenwithoftenThoughvalue.someonelosegrievebeingsbeings.humanHumantypicallywhentheysomethingorofitismostassociatedourreactionpeopledie,arealotofthingswelosethatcauseustohealth,
Whatpeople.ismore valuable than the people in our lives? Because of people, we have relationships. Because of relationships, we have experiences. People give our lives a meaning and richness that material things cannot provide. They are not just a part of our lives. They become a part of us. Is it We are not robots. We are not machines. We are human beings. Human beings typically grieve when they somethinglose or someone of value
reputation, friendship, bodily limb, job, wealth, home, business, etc. We become “attached” to people and/or things. Sometimes this happens intentionally, but it may also occur unintentionally over time. We come to value them in our heart. Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). Our heart follows our treasure. We assess value within ourselves. When we lose things of value, we grieve. That’s especially true when those “things” are
Experiencing loss creates a brain challenge. Neuroscientist and psychologist, Mary-Frances O’Connor has written a fascinating book about the effects of grief on the human brain. In her book, The Grieving Brain, she explains the problem she has been researching. My contribution as a scientist has been to study grief from the brain’s perspective, from the perspective that the brain is trying to solve a problem when faced with the absence of the most important person in our life. Grief is a heart-wrenchingly painful problem for the brain to solve, and grieving necessitates learning to live in the world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world. This means that for the brain, your loved one is simultaneously gone and also everlasting, and you are walking through two worlds at the same time. You are navigating your life despite the fact that they have been stolen from you, a premise that makes no sense, and that is both confusing and upsetting (O’Connor, 5). No wonder our mental health is challenged by loss! Add that to the fact we have emotions. In simple terms, here’s how I describe the struggle of living with loss. We all have a “thinker” and a “feeler.” Our “thinker” affects our “feeler” and our “feeler” affects our “thinker.” Our life circumstances have an impact on both. When the major life circumstance is learning to live with the reality of gut-wrenching loss, the struggle is real—real difficult. Christians do not receive a “get-out-ofgrief-free card” when we “put on Christ” in baptism (Galatians 3:26-27). We grieve when we lose loved ones because we are human like everyone else, but our grief need not be “as others who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). But the grief is real, very real. The severity of the pain within the heart of faith is something we sing about thanks to the lyrics of Frank E. Graeff (1901): Does Jesus Care when I’ve said “good –by” To the dearest on earth to me, And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks Is it aught to Him? Does He see? Oh yes, He cares; I know He cares, His heart is touched with my grief; When the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my Savior cares. No matter what our circumstances, no matter how we feel, one thing is sure— our Savior cares. The apostle Peter encourages us to develop a habit of casting all our anxiety on our heavenly Father because He cares (1 Peter 5:7). Because He cares, He is present and “we may boldly say: The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6). Focusing on His love and presence can have a
any wonder then why the loss of dear, precious people causes such deep sorrow, such great pain?
(Romans 8:37). With a strong-willed determination, may we all devote ourselves to meditating on positives and acting on those thoughts (Philippians 4:8-9).WORKS CITED O’Connor, Mary-Frances. The Grieving Brain. New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers, 2022. Manning, Dean. Don’t take My Grief Away. Oklahoma City, OK: In-Sight Books, 2003
powerful calming influence in our lives. It can help us reduce our level of stress. The care of our Father is often communicated by people He uses, especially within His family, the church. Instead of being private to a fault, we will fare much better by life-sharing, which permits others to know and assist us (love us, 1 John 4:11-12) when we are struggling with our health—mental or physical. God does some of His best work through people. There is no shame in admitting the need for assistance, whether it’s from friends, our brethren, or professionals. Loss is inevitable. It hurts. It creates difficult mental challenges, but difficult is not impossible. Difficult can feel impossible, but feelings can be deceptive and discouraging. By the grace of God, “we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us”
Through the years, I have heard several lectureships and periodicals on the subject of “Destructive Isms.” There were words like liberalism, ultraconservatism, communism, modernism, post-modernism, fascism, humanism, secularism, individualism, pessimism, existentialism, traditionalism, racism, and moral relativism. While I would say all these “isms” are destructive, there is one that can be at times destructive and discouraging to preachers, and that “ism” is criticism. While criticism can at times have a positive impact, the impact for many is negative. We as preachers understand criticism as we may be receivers of it. While we may be “shaking out the brethren” after services, we may hear from those who walk by: that sermon was too deep, or not deep enough, the delivery was too animated, or dry and dull, the lesson was not detailed enough, or was tedious. And, amazingly, we may hear all these criticisms about the same lesson. There are some who criticize us in person or may share with someone else. God forbid, our brethren leave us in ignorance instead of sharing the good news of Jesus with others, they are sure to share the bad news about us with us. There may be others who show technological prowess with the late Sunday evening or Monday morning text or email. In ministry and in life, we will either put up a wall of defense and not listen to any criticisms, or we listen to all of it and begin simply doing ministry and preaching to make others happy. Both responses are losing ventures. So, the question is “How do we deal with the Critic and the Criticism?” Let us open God’s Word to help us see some principles for dealing with criticism and 1)critics. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19-20). One of the toughest things to do is listen. Talking for many preachers comes much easier than listening. While listening to criticism is challenging, what is even more challenging is not getting angry and responding. Some criticism is valid and can be helpful, and you will not know if you don’t listen. We need to remember to not be overcome with anger. Some statements may be said or statements made in a certain way that could easily anger us. We must remember even though our anger may make us feel the need to respond and responding in anger may help us to feel vindicated, our
MountDestructive“Ism”-ByCraigEvans,Minister,JulietChurchofChrist,craig.evans@mtjuliet.org
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2) Keep Your Head and Stay Focused (2 Timothy 4:5). As evangelists of the good news and the kingdom, we have a purpose. Each day when we awaken, we have a purpose of glorifying God and making a difference in this world. Paul tells Timothy to do the work of an evangelist, and the first thing he lists is to be soberminded. The NIV says to keep your head in all situations, endure hardships, and fulfill the duties of your ministry. The critic and the criticism can make us angry and take our focus away from Jesus. Remember, we will endure hardships and some of those hardships are the people we encounter. Do the work you have been called to do. Focusing on the work instead of the critic will help the cause of Christ to be furthered.
4) Practice of the Most Challenging Commands of Jesus (Matthew 18:15-17). I have heard it said, “It is far easier to talk about people than to people.” We must be willing to talk to people. If the critic is sinning against you, then you must lovingly confront them. If they continue, we must include our leadership in helping them to change. Discernment is paramount because while some criticism is sinful, some is not. Someone who disagrees with me is not necessarily guilty of being divisive. You must ask if this person is sinning in their behavior or trying to be intentional in hurting you and/ or being divisive to the church. Since we are to lovingly confront those who sin against us, what does that mean for anonymous criticism? Whom
3) Do What is Profitable for the Kingdom (Titus 3:8-10). Paul instructs Titus to be committed to good works and things that are profitable spiritually. Paul then tells Titus what is not profitable: controversiesfoolishand dealing with someone who causes division. Some critics just want to be divisive and occupy your time and thoughts and sidetrack doing good. Paul still instructs Titus to use patience and give the divisive one an opportunity to repent, twice. We should not be hasty in labeling every critic as divisive, but if they prove to be, we must not allow them to dominate our ministry.
anger never accomplishes the righteousness of God. God’s righteousness is more important than our selfrighteousness. If we do respond, we shouldn’t respond quickly but carefully consider what has been said. We cannot speak and think well at the same time. When you do respond, thank them for sharing with you directly.
5) Remember Criticism may be the Greatest Gift Someone Could Give You (Proverbs 1:2-5). The Proverb writer has multiple verses comparing the wise and the foolish. The characteristic of the wise is one who listens to instruction. Sometimes helpful instruction sounds and feels like criticism. It is important when someone shares something with us that we listen to them and contemplate what has been said. Not everyone who criticizes you is trying to hurt you; some are doing their best to help you. Even though some may say it in the wrong way, with the wrong tone, or at the wrong time, that doesn’t make the message wrong. It could be a great gift.
do we confront when there is no one specific to confront? The answer is no one. I know I have received unsigned letters and emails from addresses I don’t know. When I receive them, I am usually burned up with anger and tempted to step into the pulpit or on social media and justify myself and confront the anonymous writer. Even though I am tempted to do so, it has no benefit. If they act in a sinful way to confront me (and I believe anonymous criticism is sinful), it does not justify me responding in a sinful way.
6) Remember the Good (Philippians 1:3). In most instances we receive much more praise and compliments than criticism. I wish I knew why the criticisms stick to us and the compliments roll right off. Paul told the church in Philippi that he thanked God for his memory of them while writing a book on joy from a prison cell. Maybe we should learn from Paul and recall those things that are good. I have a box of cards and encouraging notes, and in times of discouragement, I find myself reading some of those notes. They are God’s blessing. I heard one time to never believe the worst thing or the best thing said about us, and that is pretty good advice.
7) Seek Counsel with a Trusted Friend (Proverbs 27:17). What do we do when we have been bombarded or blindsided with criticism? It is easy even in our best moments to let discouragement set in. An unfair critic can impact us to the point of quitting. One of the best things you can do is spend time and seek counsel from an encourager. No one understands preachers like preachers, and that is why I have friends who are preachers. There are times I have wallowed and struggled in my criticisms all alone and that has led to desperation.
What has helped me many times is reaching out to a trusted friend or friends and talking with them over the phone or over a milkshake (milkshakes make most things better). Having a friend listen to me and encourage me and pray for me can be the difference between joy and sorrow, anxiety and peace, and desperation and determination. Do not ever underestimate the value of counsel from a friend or a professional counselor. Please reach out! Yes, criticism can be a destructive “ism.” It can change your mood, ruin your day, and even lead you to look longingly at the SCOOP blog or the help wanted sign at Chick-fil-a if you let it take over your thoughts. I do believe Jesus and His Kingdom are worth dealing with the criticisms and the critics. My prayer for ministers is “May God send people into our lives to tell us the truths we need to hear, minds to discern truth and lies, give us hearts that persevere, eyes that see the mission before us, hands to continue to serve, feet that move each day toward Jesus, and mouths that share the good news.” I pray you know you are gifted by God to make a difference, needed in the kingdom, valuable to Jesus, and loved beyond your imagination.
In the mid-1980s, Don Meyer, a legendary basketball coach, asked me how I managed my life not just my time. He introduced me to the Franklin Quest Company and its founder Hyrum W. Smith. Mr. Smith promoted the theory of managing your life based on your governing values and not just tasks you need to complete. In his training seminar Hyrum Smith asked participants to consider what would motivate them to cross a tightrope suspended between two high-rise buildings on a blustery day. To attempt to walk on a tightrope I would have to be value-driven to take the first step. Why else would I risk my life if there was not a genuine need and a spiritual principle for which I would put my life at risk? As ministers we daily walk a metaphorical tightrope of ministry. The struggle to find balance between our ministerial work and our lives is very real. Besides the typical research, writing this article has required significant introspection. Before you read any further, I must confess that finding a work-life balance is a continual struggle. It is an understatement to say that “Ministry is demanding.” A difference exists between working hard and being a “workaholic;” a common descriptive term for an imbalanced emphasis on work. The American Psychiatric Association published the fifth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-V) in 2013. This volume is the gold standard for recognizing and diagnosing mental health disorders and does not yet include addiction to work as a mental health disorder. But many healthcare providers would point out that an imbalanced
The Balance of Ministry and the Barrage of Members’ Needs Every day in ministry is unique. The demands of ministry do not respect vacation time, assigned days off or holidays. Urgent matters will constantly strive to displace important priorities. Some days and weeks will be more demanding than others. Therefore, it is important to be on the same page when it comes to balancing the demands of ministry with the needs of members. Congregational leaders should stand behind you in establishing limits for caring for members and caring for yourself. You must be honest with yourself and admit you are not superhuman. Congregational leaders and members can place you on a pedestal and, if you are not careful, you can promote this by your actions and teaching. Perhaps you remember a class on preaching that cautioned you to not make yourself “the hero” in your sermon illustrations. Scripture realistically reveals that God’s servants like Moses, Elijah, Jeremiah, the apostle Paul, and others could lose perspective, needed spiritual counsel and encouragement, and had to make decisions about their roles, to accept spiritual refreshment through God and others, and to remain faithful. Moses’ father-in-law directed Moses to delegate responsibilities to others. Paul was aware of the stress of ministry and exhorted Timothy to take care of himself physically (“use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses”) and to not give up (1 Timothy 5:23 and 6:11-16).
Every minister needs to be able to have not only relationships with church members but
The church is the family of God in which your primary identity is that you are God’s adopted son and a co-heir with Christ (Romans 8:14-17). At some point, you made a choice to serve as a minister. Whatever your marital or family status you are part of a congregational family that is part of the larger body of Christ (cf. Romans 12:3-8). As a minister, you deal not only with your own expectations of how you are to serve and what your role is, you also deal with expectations of church leaders and members. Your expectations need to be governed by values based on Scriptural teaching. Understandings of your role likely will not be the same as what every church member desires. As much as is possible, endeavor to define clearly and agree upon the priorities of your ministry tasks with your congregational leaders. Priorities should be agreed upon from what is most important to those of lesser importance and then shared with the congregation (e.g., preparation of sermons/ Bible classes, personal devotional time, visitation of members and hospitals, evangelism, counseling, meetings with church leaders, serving on committees, administration, self-care, continuing education, etc.). You need to come to an agreement on how much time it takes to fulfill the various aspects of each responsibility, how much time you are expected to work weekly, how many nights you are to be away from your home/family, and how many days off you get weekly and for vacation. The goal is to define boundaries and to establish support for a healthy work-life balance. You have a limited amount of time and energy to effectively devote to ministry and your personal life and relationships. Health risks will increase proportionally (i.e., hypertension, cardiac issues, diabetes) if too much time is spent in work and too little time with family and in rest.
emphasis on work has a significant impact on a person’s health.
The Environment of Ministry and Expectations of Members
Feeling like your ministry and personal life are always on display and being scrutinized by others is stressful. But it is important for you honestly to examine your own heart, your relationships with others, and your ministry. Currently, would you describe yourself as motivated by love in your ministerial tasks, as joyful and content in your personal life, and exuberant about your ministerial work? Or would you confess you are just taking care of the necessary tasks, feeling spiritually dry, and lacking contentment and motivation? You might be a “ministryaholic” if you: 1) Desire to correct an overemphasis on ministry tasks to find a better work-life balance and are unable to do so, 2) Are not available to your loved ones, 3) Are giving up activities you once found enjoyable, 4) Are neglecting important responsibilities and relationships, or 5) Continuing to place an unhealthy emphasis on ministry when you know it is exacerbating problems in your interpersonal and social relationships and negatively impacting your physical and psychological
also with Christians outside of the congregation where they serve as a minister. We need a Jethro or Paul to come alongside of us to listen and to instruct, encourage and admonish us as needed. At times, people outside of the congregation may help us gain a better perspective of our work-life balance in ministry.
The Exhilaration of Spiritual Joy and the Emptiness of Spiritual Dryness
Havewellbeing.youlost the love that first motivated you in ministry and joy in your relationship with others? Do you remember the height from which you may have fallen? If so, are you willing to repent of an imbalanced overemphasis on ministerial work? Will you repeat what you once did or refocus on maintaining a healthy work-life balance? Jesus found time to step away from the crowds and to spend time in prayer (cf., Mark 1:35; 6:31-32). He encouraged his disciples and his example and teaching encourage ministers to resist Satan’s influences, renew oneself through prayer, refresh yourself spiritually by depending on God, and to rest appropriately from your labors.
Life with God comes first, and ministry should then flow out of that relationship.
For this issue TJI had a chat with two outstanding helpers. Ministers who counsel and care, Ben Hayes and Travis Creasy. We hope you’ll enjoy what we learned. What are three or four mental health issues that are common among ministers? BEN: Anxiety among the general population has become a huge concern, and ministers do not seem to be immune. Anxiety is often, but not always, accompanied with depression. I think a lot of ministers stay anxious about their job security and if they are doing enough. Some depression comes from negative thoughts about self and insecurity as well. I would say those contribute to burnout as well.
A TJI INTERVIEW
TRAVIS: I’d say “second guessing ourselves” (I’m sure there is a more concise way of saying that). I know I lay awake after a day of ministering and think of how I could’ve done it better, how I didn’t make any sense or did I spend quality time with my Family today. How do you know if you NEED a counselor as a minister?
BEN: That answer may vary a little for each person. I usually think in terms of
2. When the listening ear and spiritual guidance of the minister or elders doesn’t seem to be making a 3difference.Whensomeone is speaking of suicide it is time to contact someone that can get them into a safe place (police or family need to take them to ER).
frequency and intensity of symptoms. How often are you having whatever symptoms and how severe is it? Jerry Barber shared with a group once that he goes pretty regularly just to prevent problems from arising. Prevention is the best cure so they say.
How do you recommend a minister find a good counselor for himself?
BEN: Well it’s tough for a minister to feel comfortable going to a counselor. First because it may be tough to find someone he doesn’t know. Second, because preachers don’t want to air out their grievances with people for fear they may give the wrong impression of the church. But reality is that the church is like all other groups of people—imperfect. so to answer the question I usually give a few local suggestions and attempt to help them understand that everyone encounters difficulties. One reason those in ministry struggle is because of that isolation (ie 1 Kings 19 - Elijah running to Mt. Horeb). Many ministers feel ill equipped for the counseling that comes to the desk/ door, watt or a couple of good rather simple resources that would help one that does not want to go back and add a degree BEN: � that and Counseling for Church Leaders: a Practical Guide by Bill Bagents and Rosemary Snodgrass. I’ve not read it yet but I know those folks well and I trust what they say. Lonnie has a couple of good books: Grappling with Life: Controlling your Inside CognitiveSpace.spiritual Development.
TRAVIS: Unless it’s something I have personal experience with cancer, foster/adoption and/or special needs loved one I tend to turn them to professional when depression or something like that is brought up. A number of counselors who bill themselves as Christian counselors are not at all. Is there a way to know that before you send someone to a counselor? Are there questions you
TRAVIS: If you’re human, you need one or someone to at least be your sounding board for frustration.
BEN: 1. When you feel uncomfortable and out of your area of expertise.
TRAVIS: The Helping Healing Humor podcast with Ben and Travis � When is it best to turn a person who has come to you over to a professional?
BEN: Nothing unless the client is willing to sign a disclosure form to allow you to have communication with that person.
can ask a counselor before you recommend
BEN: It’s like your physical healthcare practitioners - don’t be afraid to ask. Perhaps a couple of questions would be: 1. What theory of counseling do you hold to? You can then research some of the core values. That won’t necessarily tell you everything but give an idea.
2. Are you a counselor that will support or help one with their spiritual journey.
3. Point blank: do you have a Christian world view? A good counselor, even a Christian one, should not push their personal beliefs on you. I’m sure it happens at times though. I tell my clients that if I’m not working for them to please be unafraid to inform me and I’ll help them locate someone who can help. How much can a counselor tell you about the status of a client who you referred to them?