Inlander 12/25/2014

DECEMBER 25-31, 2014 | HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

This year’s winning stories feature family, road trips, booze and spokane’s garbage goat Page 20

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COMMENT STAFF DIRECTORY PHONE: 509-325-0634 Ted S. McGregor Jr. (tedm@inlander.com) PUBLISHER

DO YOU AVOID GOING OUT TO CELEBRATE NEW YEAR’S EVE?

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JOAQUIN LEVITT Yes. Why? It’s also known as “Amateur Night” for people who work as servers or bartenders. It’s a ton of people overdrinking who normally wouldn’t.

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Yes. I’m fairly introverted, so I tend to get drained around all the people who go out. So we have a party at our house.

How many years have you hosted your party?

This will be the fourth year.

Caleb Walsh

ILLUSTRATOR

Amy Alkon, Jordy Byrd, Jo Miller, Mary Lou Reed, Scott Renshaw, Ben Salmon, Carrie Scozzaro, Ed Symkus, Taylor Weech CONTRIBUTORS

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No, I don’t, because I always want to have the New Year’s Eve of the century, but I’m usually let down.

How so?

It should be this moment of conclusions and craziness and debauchery, but then it’s just another day.

Autumn Adrian (x251), Bonnie Amstutz (x212), Gail Golden (x236), Janet Pier (x235), Raevyn West (x222) ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES

Kristina Elverum (x223) DIRECTOR OF MARKETING Rebecca Rison (x216) ADVERTISING COORDINATOR Brynn Schauer (x247) EVENTS COORDINATOR

DEVON PLOPPER No. New Year’s is a time for closure.

What do you plan on doing this year?

One of my best friends is in town, so her and I will probably go out to the bars.

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BRETT HITE I wouldn’t say I avoid it. I’m changing things up this year.

What are your plans for this year?

I’ll be headed to Salt Lake for a new year’s vacation.

Wayne Hunt (x232) PRODUCTION MANAGER Alissia Blackwood Mead (x228), Derrick King (x238), Jessie Spaccia (x205), Tom Stover (x265) GRAPHIC DESIGNERS

INTERVIEWS BY KIANNA GARDNER COEUR COFFEEHOUSE, 12/22/2014

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 5

COMMENT | EDUCATION

The Gift of Reading

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ost 5- and 6-year-olds take to learning to read like the proverbial ducks to water. Other children find the path paved with painful, stumbling learning blocks. Help for them is on the way.

This Christmas season, the Coeur d’Alene School District is sponsoring the cleverly titled project Jingle Books, which seeks to put books and more books in the hands of children in kindergarten through third grade. The original goal of the project’s leaders was to collect 3,000 “gently used” children’s books and present one book to each of the kids in the school district’s primary grades. The drive has been so successful that the book count is up to 15,000 and rising. Each child will receive three books, with 500 books left in each school to be shared.

Heading up the effort are experienced and enthusiastic child advocates Greta Gissel and School Board Trustee Dave Eubanks. Gissel led a summer camp program in 2013 aimed at preventing “summer slide” — that inevitable learning loss that summer vacation brings to elementary students.

Mountains of research reveal that kids who do not learn to read with some proficiency by the time they are through the third grade are going to have a hard time keeping up with their classmates as they head into more demanding fourth-grade classes of geography, social studies and math.

T

eligible for federally funded school lunches.

Although library books are free, books to own and to cherish are not an everyday expense.

Understandably, books are scarce in households pinched for funds. Book ownership is the beauty and gift of Jingle Books.

Each child is given a book to own, not to borrow. Gissel says the next rung in this ladder to reading proficiency is to dedicate shelves in the classrooms for Jingle Books, where kids can trade their still gently used book for another — and then another and another.

The easiest way for a child to become a proficient reader is to read daily, the more the better. The TV, the computer, the cellphone are all seductive diversions competing for their time.

There are lots of practical reasons for kids to plunge into the reading habit. Reading stretches the brain — introducing new words and new ideas. Reading gives us words to think with. A quote from author E.M. Forster runs: “How can

Understandably, books are scarce in households pinched for funds.

he futures for children not meeting that goal are very scary. The Annie E. Casey Foundation has been researching children’s issues for some time, especially as they involve children of low-income families. One study shows that a child’s reading proficiency at age 9 can predict with frightening accuracy the child’s future success or failure in high school, college and into the workplace.

We are also told that a college education enhances the student’s chances at earning a good living as an adult. Climbing on the upward mobility track by learning to read well by the third grade sounds better and smarter all the time.

Mother never told us that life would be fair.

But it does seem like a dirty trick that some kids have books at home and parents who read to them, and other kids have parents who don’t have the time, the habit or the will to read stories to themselves much less to their children.

Jingle Books addresses this inequality by trying to inject reading into the lives and traditions of families for whom books are not an essential element in their lives. What your parents are like is, after all, the ultimate luck of the draw.

We are told that 44 percent of the children in the Coeur d’Alene School District are

I tell you what I think until I see what I say?”

That is a parody of the ancient question: which comes first, the thought or the word? Reading not only expands the vocabulary, it expands the world of the child, or anyone at any age.

B

eyond the practical benefits of reading proficiency is the delicious pleasure that is to be found behind the cover of a book. The imagination stirred by the glamour-laden Knights of the Round Table, or wild horses who think and talk, or any Harry Potter book can be soul food for a child. A child’s imagination is limitless.

Ages 7 through 15 are golden years for children who have discovered books. Once they reach adulthood, they will seldom again have time available to read to their hearts’ content, with little interruption or nagging guilt. The early years are precious years where a child’s mind can wander wherever an engaging writer may lead.

Do you remember, as a child, the special feeling of anticipated pleasure in curling up with a book by a favorite author? As an adult, the anticipated pleasure is still there. Time is hard to find, and it’s the curling up that’s the real challenge. n

COMMENT | PUBLISHER’S NOTE

The Power of Laughter

BY TED S. McGREGOR JR.

B

ack in 2009, I wrote that Stephen Colbert, “TV’s know-nothing-in-chief,” might need to “start planning his next gag.” Well, that’s why you should never take me to Vegas. Turns out, his Report ran for another five hilarious years. But he finally has left his Comedy Central gig, just last week, for David Letterman’s job starting in June.

Colbert has been America’s favorite right-wing nutjob, lampooning the kind of fact-free certainty that drives too many of our politicians and talking heads. As he put it on his very first show, and his very last, his Report was about the search for “truthiness” — that all-American cloak of b.s. that allows you to be a decider who goes with your gut instead of that pesky old head.

Vast numbers of Americans came to trust his satiric take on the news more than the networks’.

Colbert, the blowhard character he played on TV, fancies himself an American icon, and that’s exactly what he became.

Not to get too academic here, but Colbert is just another in a long line of comedians who speak truth to power. It’s a concept you can find in Shakespeare’s many fools, like King Lear’s Fool, who is no fool at all and is actually smarter than the king. You’ll also find such satire in the work of Voltaire and Molière; the right to speak truth to power was enshrined in our Constitution

by Enlightenment thinkers like Thomas Jefferson, who helped make freedom of speech the very First Amendment. That has spawned the likes of Mark Twain, Will Rogers, Richard Pryor and now Stephen Colbert.

To put it in modern terms, if the emperor has no clothes, somebody really has to step up and crack some jokes about it.

Can art — even absurdist performance art tinged with big doses of sophomoric jokes — change the world? Of course it can. Advisers at the RAND Corporation who previewed The Interview, which has been pulled from theaters by Sony in the wake of terror threats, argued that the film might actually help topple the North Korean regime.

People tuned in because Stephen Colbert is a talented, funny and ultimately positive comedian. But for these past nine years, Colbert also managed to expose our modern stew of hypocrisy, hubris and, yes, truthiness. As a bonus, he’s been a pain in Bill O’Reilly’s much-deserving butt and a laughter-based antidote to the truly unfunny likes of Dick Cheney.

So what’s his next gag? Here’s hoping he keeps it subversive and lets his inner Stephen Colbert, circa 2005-14, poke a little fun at the powerful. 

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COMMENT | FAREWELL

CALEB WALSH ILLUSTRATION

Listening Season How can we argue without deepening our divides?

BY TAYLOR WEECH

N

ew Year’s is my favorite holiday, nestled in the reflective winter solstice and topped with champagne. In theory, it’s a time when we shed habits that no longer help us move forward and begin testing new ways of living, however small. This part of the ritual is becoming more urgent each year as the stakes rise and our lack of transformation maintains a status quo that threatens our

survival on the planet. My primary goal in life is to assist in this transformation by bringing people together who have complementary ideas, skills and knowledge.

When I started this year, I never anticipated how difficult it would be to transition the themes and tone of my radio program to print commentary. Nor did I anticipate how different an opinion column is from an interview show. Print creates a static, permanent declaration of thought. The bold form is likely what’s made it such a powerful force in history, but often the emotional process

and the flexibility of dialogue is lost within it. In a short form, it’s nearly impossible to share the journey, the conversations with self and others, that lead to an opinion.

I don’t think that print or opinion writing is to blame for the deeply divided political culture in this country, but we need to address it directly. Working in this field has shown me that the division is extreme and basically constitutes a series of personalized alternative realities rather than an objective understanding of life. The feedback I’ve received on LETTERS my pieces has come Send comments to from two main camps: editor@inlander.com. people who already share my outlook and wish to compliment the way I expressed it, and people who react defensively to having their worldview attacked, often in a very intense way! If a third group exists, they likely checked out of the conversation when it began to mutate into a shouting match.

We are testing the limits of language in our individualized society. Each of the camps I referred to above have their own understanding of how the world works, based largely on background, and the tools to surround themselves with people who understand similarly. I’ve been called a liberal as both praise and insult, all while not considering myself a liberal at all. The individualized bubbles we’ve constructed create differences beyond dialects, where words lose or gain meaning that isn’t acknowledged by everyone participating in the communication. We each use our pet definition of a term and call it correct. While I find this fascinating from a social perspective, I am more concerned about the implications of losing language as our need to understand one another becomes more pronounced.

How can we live a life that satisfies our needs and makes us feel like an effective part of a community?

When we can, I think we have a responsibility to our best selves to make choices that work toward those ends. For me, it means that my second life as a pundit here at the Inlander is ending. It’s been a fascinating and humbling and surprising experience that I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to take part in, but it’s drawing to a close this month.

Thanks for listening, and I hope we can continue a conversation, face to face, as we continue our strange human experiment into a new year.  editor@inlander.com Taylor Weech, who hosts the weekly public affairs program Praxis on KYRS-FM, is a Spokane writer and activist. She shares writing, photography and her podcast at truthscout.net.

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COMMENT | FROM READERS

TALKy guess NICEis thatAND PLAY NICE John Reuter (“Sorry, Senator Risch,” 12/18/14) believes

M

the way to extract information from terrorists is to talk gently to them so they will be nice. While ISIS lops off the heads of westerners, plans to take down passenger planes and destroy western civilization, we’re supposed to just talk logically to them? G.K. Chesterton quipped, “Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.”

Paradoxically, Reuter says the job of the CIA is to keep people safe, but using only the means he believes are just and right. This liberal fantasy belies the reality of the world in which we live. American exceptionalism is exceptional precisely because we have drawn the line and sacrificed for the values of faith and freedom which make us great.

NORTHERN QUEST PRESENTS ROOTS & BOOTS Friday, Jan 9 7:30pm

DON S. OTIS Sandpoint, Idaho

Were you looking forward to seeing The Interview in theaters? Do you think Sony and the cinema chains did the right thing by pulling its theater release?

LARRY CEBULA: Sony’s quick capitulation to the North Koreans makes me wonder what else is in the hacked Sony records that has not yet been released? The North Koreans must really have some dirt on the company.

RON SCHOONOVER: I still want to see it. I was planning on waiting for it on video, but [even] with the threats I would have gone to theaters. It’s sad watching corporations fold that easily.

JOHANNA TALBOTT: Honestly, it looked like a really stupid movie.

But it’s even more stupid to have pulled it from the theaters.

JOHN BRAY: I was asked these sort of questions. Yes, I would have seen the movie. I doubt I would have suffered for it. Even so, I don’t want the precedent set where threats have any real power over what I can and cannot do. I recognize that a brazen attitude like that can be very hazardous but bullying like this can’t continue. I am frankly shocked that anyone in this country caved to this sort of thing. Maybe we aren’t as tough as we are told?

LISA MACHADO: Yes, I was looking forward to it, I don’t think Sony did the right thing, and the threats would not have kept us away.

CHELSEA MALONE: I think it’s beyond dumb! I planned on renting it, not seeing in the theater. I hope they release it so we can see it. Sony is out a lot of money! Screw North Korea!

RACHAEL ROSSBACH: I hear they’re releasing it now. Maybe Sony hacked themselves so they could make bank off this movie after all this publicity? If/when they release it, everyone is going to want to see it, and not just in this country. 

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Judge Ellen Clark takes on an almost motherly role, providing encouragement and accountability for those in the Mental Health Court. YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

MENTAL HEALTH

Court of Understanding Spokane’s felony Mental Health Court provides a framework for renewed lives

BY JACOB JONES

F

rom the bench, Superior Court Judge Ellen Clark greets defendants by first name — asking about their children, doctor’s appointments and family problems. Each week, an intimate group of offenders with the county’s new felony Mental Health Court gathers to share their struggles and small triumphs.

“Let’s talk about the big elephant in the room, the

relapse,” Clark tells a woman last week. “You have been a star in this program, [but] things have kind of fallen apart. … What happened?”

Cynthia, a 53-year-old facing identity theft charges, sits quietly before the court. She wipes her eyes with a tissue. Counselors report she had missed appointments and a recent test had shown drug use.

“I can’t pinpoint it,” Cynthia says, her voice cracking.

She lists family drama, worsening health issues and a broken-down car. She got overwhelmed: “I really thought it justified everything I was doing.”

Just 14 defendants appear in the felony-level Mental Health Court, a two-year program of intense treatment, monitoring and court-imposed structure. County officials started the program in January, and as it finishes its first year, the court sees a growing need for such individualized case management.

For decades, the justice system has criminalized mental illness, typically treating people with repeated conviction and incarceration. Mental health courts turn that upside down, setting aside criminal matters to focus on a person’s needs and well-being. The court works to undermine destructive behavior through therapy, support services and increased accountability.

It’s often a long journey, full of setbacks and ...continued on next page

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 13

NEWS | MENTAL HEALTH “COURT OF UNDERSTANDING,” CONTINUED... stumbles. But Clark has yet to give up on any of the participants. She takes on an almost motherly tone.

“I’m not going to lie to you,” the judge tells Cynthia, “I am really disappointed.”

M

ental health courts and other “problemsolving” or “therapeutic” courts across the country arose out of the success of drug court programs. Those programs recognized many crimes as symptoms of addiction and leveraged increased drug treatment to cut recidivism. By targeting the roots of criminal behavior, the courts work to offer defendants a structured path out of the system.

“We wrap around everything we possibly can,” Clark explains during a recent justice symposium. “We talk about housing. We talk about jobs. We talk about education … and family.

How are you doing? How are you doing it? …

It is very much a personal interaction.”

Spokane has introduced a number of problemsolving courts in recent years, ranging from Drug Court back in 1996 to a new Community Court for minor crimes last December. The county has had a misdemeanor-level mental health court since 2007 with more than 400 graduates, but officials increasingly saw a need for a court that could handle felony cases.

If defendants successfully finish the two-year program, they can have their charges dismissed.

For some participants that means keeping a felony off their record. For others, it means avoiding a conviction that would result in a steep prison sentence. So the stakes can be high.

Kelli Molzhon, a court liaison with North East Washington Treatment Alternatives, serves as the primary shepherd for the 14 defendants.

She meets with them at least weekly, schedules therapy sessions, sets appointments, helps apply for housing or other services, and monitors for compliance with court orders. Each week, she briefs the judge and attorneys on progress or problems.

“Everybody comes in with different treatment needs and goals and different levels of

functioning,” Molzhon says, explaining that they must complete five stages to graduate. “When they graduate, they have a plan of what they’re going to do once they leave the program to stay stable in the community.”

Unlike most criminal proceedings, the Mental Health Court brings together the deputy prosecutor, public defender, judge and Molzhon around a common goal.

“The focus isn’t on the charges,” she says.

“The focus is on the person receiving treatment and making progress and getting better.”

T

o be eligible for the program, public defender Rik Wallis says defendants must have a diagnosable mental health condition that played some role in their alleged offense. They cannot be facing a sex crime or a serious violent crime. Wallis says a person can still enter the program if charged with assaulting

“We are very fortunate in Spokane to have this. … Treatment does work and people do get better.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

All the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, with everyone calm and comfortable because The Tin Roof had just been there.

A new Flexsteel sofa for the family room in its place, and an Amish dining table with seating for 12 (for extra guests just in case).

The bedroom was glistening with a stylish new look, complete with a beautiful chaise for Mom to read her favorite book.

Have an Op

We want to h

ear about i

When Santa arrived a huge smile came over his face, so he pulled up a chair, and slowed his fast pace.

And we heard him exclaim as he left for the night, “What a comfortable home, they got it just right!”

14 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

inion?

Send your comments to Editor@Inla nder.com

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a police officer or health care worker, a common charge for those with mental illness.

About half of the participants face a drugrelated charge or have known chemical dependency issues. Wallis says he and others came over from Drug Court, so they understand the complexity of stabilizing “co-occurring” substance abuse and mental health issues.

“They want to get better,” he says of his clients. “[The court] is a great alternative for everybody and it’s a much better way to resolve these cases.”

Deputy prosecutor Mark Laiminger has spent 27 years convicting criminals and working to reduce crime in Spokane. He says he supports the new Mental Health Court, and other therapeutic courts, because they work. The programs encourage people to show up and take responsibility for their behavior as well as providing the support to turn away from their criminal habits.

“Ultimately, to me, the measure of success is do we keep people from re-offending in the future?” he says, adding. “It may cost more money than some of the other things we do, but I think the benefits will be shown over the long run.”

With so few spaces in the new program, Laiminger says they can really focus on the individuals and their mental health challenges. But it also makes the program more competitive. Defendants need to prove they can show up and follow through on their obligations if they want to stay.

The county budgets about $103,000 a year for the program, nearly all of which goes to paying treatment organizations for therapy and other services. Everyone involved agreed that interest in the program exceeded the small capacity. If money was available, the court could easily triple its caseload.

“I wish we had more room,” Wallis says. “That’s the only complaint I have, is that we’d like more people. The cases are there.”

D

uring the weekly Mental Health Court docket, participants share their goals and challenges with the judge.

The defendants, mostly women, joke and cry. They casually interrupt the judge with funny stories or embarrassing excuses. Those making progress are rewarded with priority hearing times and snacks. While none felt comfortable talking on the record about what the court has meant to them, Molzhon says the program has had a tremendous impact.

“Family or friends have said it’s the best thing that’s happened for this person,” she says, adding. “We are very fortunate in Spokane to have this. … Treatment does work and people do get better.”

Many defendants share stories of anxiety or depression. One woman says she struggles to care about anything sometimes, even this program she appreciates so much. Another woman says she cannot focus on treatment when she’s losing her apartment.

Another has no working heat at her house.

Wallis says he finds hope in the increased use of therapeutic courts. Maybe in the future, the criminal justice system will evolve to provide more help for people who want it instead of just doling out jail time. Judge Clark says she has seen how the program can help remake lives.

“They are making phenomenal strides,” she says. “Those folks are not the folks that are supposed to be in jail. … [They] work really hard.”

As Cynthia dries her tears, she promises to recommit herself to the program. Clark nods and provides some stern encouragement. Cynthia quietly returns to her seat where another woman gives her a hug and offers a few kind words of support.

“You can get past it,” the judge tells her. “This is a two-year program. We’re not kicking you out because of this last month, but you need to get back on track.” n jacobj@inlander.com

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NEWS | DIGEST ON INLANDER.COM More Inlander news every day

PHOTO EYE FEAR AND LOATHING

CAPPING CARBON

Washington Gov. JAY INSLEE last week introduced the Carbon Pollution Accountability Act, which would require utilities, companies and commuters to pay for emissions as part of a capand-trade program. Lauded by environmental groups, the proposal would impose new energy efficiency standards while charging new fees for the release of carbon emissions, collecting an estimated $1 billion a year for transportation projects and education. The proposal would make the state a leader in reducing greenhouse gases, but faces significant opposition from business interests. (JACOB JONES)

YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

State Rep. Matt Shea, R-Spokane Valley, speaks to “constitutionalists” and others on Saturday outside of the Spokane Valley Police Department. The protest was sparked by a remark from a Spokane County Sheriff’s deputy that MRAPs — “Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected” vehicles — were needed by law enforcement because of constitutionalists and others who stockpile weapons. The deputy’s remarks were captured on video and went viral, appearing on Infowars.com, the website of conservative radio host Alex Jones.

U.S.-CUBA RELATIONS

“Cubans have a saying about daily life: ‘No es facil’ — it’s not easy.

Today, the United States wants to be a partner in making the lives of ordinary Cubans a little bit easier, more free, more prosperous.”

President Barack Obama, last Thursday, on the United States’ renewed diplomatic relations with Cuba following the release of American contractor Alan Gross from a Cuban prison and 18 months of backroom talks facilitated by Pope Francis.

HEALTH INSURANCE DEADLINES

Did you miss last Tuesday’s deadline to enroll in health insurance for coverage starting on Jan. 1?

You still have time to get covered before facing a tax penalty. Open enrollment in health insurance ends next year on Feb. 15. Despite technical glitches on the online insurance marketplace Washington Healthplanfinder — including one that erroneously canceled about 6,000 customer accounts — more than 55,000 PEOPLE have signed up for or renewed their health insurance using the website. Visit wahealthplanfinder.org to enroll in or renew your coverage. For questions or assistance enrolling, call customer support at 1-855-923-4633. (DEANNA PAN)

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16 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

NEWS | BRIEFS

A Growing Wave More patients join the lawsuit against Washington’s psychiatric hospitals; plus, a new report examining Spokane police A CLASS ACTION

Three new plaintiffs have been added to an ongoing federal civil rights lawsuit pitting patients found NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY against Washington state and the Department of Social and Health Services. All additional plaintiffs are NGRI patients at Eastern or Western State Hospitals, who together have been committed for more than 30 years despite being in remission or having no diagnosable mental illness. Two of the new plaintiffs currently receive no psychotropic drugs or antidepressants.

The amended complaint highlights several instances in which the plaintiffs have endured punitive and sometimes demeaning treatment from hospital staff. For example, plaintiff “B.T,” a patient at Western State Hospital since 2009 who has no mental illness beyond a history of drug abuse and suffers from acute renal failure, is regularly shackled for doctors appointments outside his ward.

According to the complaint, at one such appointment in 2013, “B.T. was not allowed to remove the shackles in order to toilet himself after a bowel movement. He was forced to sit in his own waste throughout the appointment and ride back to [Western].”

“There is no state law that says you have to shackle people,” says the plaintiffs’ attorney Andrew Biviano.

“While safety is important, there is always a balance and it’s tipped too far toward fear.”

Filed last May in response to an Inlander investigation, the lawsuit alleges that current state laws and restrictions violate rights of NGRI patients to adequate mental health treatment and release. The case is scheduled to go to trial next year.

— DEANNA PAN

ETHICS 2.0

The board charged with making sure that Spokane city officials and elected officials behave ethically is likely to get a facelift early next year along with some new teeth.

In September of last year, City Attorney Nancy Isserlis began a revision of the city’s ETHICS CODE, which will be considered for approval by Spokane City Council early in 2015. If approved, the city’s seven-member Ethics Committee will become an Ethics Commission with new powers and a slightly expanded scope. The ethics code governs what kind of gifts employees and elected officials can take, what they have to disclose, what they can’t disclose, use of city vehicles and equipment, as well as what sanctions they face if they break the rules.

Although Isserlis says that many of the changes to the city’s ethics code, which she expects city council to pass, are housekeeping in nature, there are a few significant alterations. Isserlis says that the new code overhauls the complaint process, while also enhancing training for city employees and clarifying what gifts they can receive.

The new language will give the commission the new

power to subpoena witnesses. Additionally, the modifications include a provision that bars city employees from steering business toward a person or a company with which they have a financial relationship.

Despite the overhaul, Isserlis points out “an ethics code is only as good as the people who are bound by it.”

— JAKE THOMAS

SPD AUDIT RELEASED

A long-awaited audit by the DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE found no deliberate pattern of unnecessary force at the Spokane Police Department, but did identify 42 recommended reforms for improving officer accountability and community interactions. A number of findings criticize Police Chief Frank Straub’s communication skills as well as some oft-used force techniques.

The report, compiled over 18 months by the COPS Division of the DOJ, analyzed five years worth of use-offorce incidents and officer-involved deaths. Most recommendations call for increased clarification of policies and procedures.

Interviews with officers suggested Straub had made many rapid changes in recent months without clearly communicating the reasons or new responsibilities involved. Straub acknowledged he had not always clearly articulated his departmental changes.

“It’s important for me to hear that,” Straub says. “I’m running a little bit faster than I should and not bringing the rest of the team along with me.”

The report also called for greater scrutiny of neck restraint holds, which cut off blood flow and render people unconscious. After reviewing officer-involved shootings, the DOJ also recommended tighter policies over the use of tactical rifles. The Inlander will have additional coverage of the new DOJ report as well as analysis from the city’s outgoing police ombudsman in next week’s edition.

— JACOB JONES

NOT JUST NEWS.

amazing

stories

“ONE LOVE,” MARCH 28, 2013

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 17

NEWS | MARIJUANA

Two members of the so-called Kettle Falls Five: Larry Harvey his wife Rhonda Firestack-Harvey, on land where they once grew medical marijuana near Colville. YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

Cease-Fire

What will Congress’ new tolerance for medical marijuana mean for people facing federal drug charges?

BY JAKE THOMAS

I

t’s just one paragraph in a 1,600page document that lays out how the federal government will spend $1 trillion through September of next year.

But for some, it could mean not serving a long prison sentence. They key word is “could.”

Tucked inside the behemoth spending bill Congress passed before its holiday recess and signed by the president is a bipartisan amendment intended to make the federal government back off on medical marijuana.

The news was hailed by legalization advocates as a milestone victory against the federal government’s war on marijuana. Despite being legal in 23 states for medical purposes, the federal government doesn’t recognize pot as having any legitimate purpose, medicinal or otherwise. To that end, the feds have brought serious charges that carry serious prison

18 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

terms against people for using, growing and selling medical marijuana, despite those activities being legal under their state laws.

This disconnect in federal and state law is reflected in the case of the so-called Kettle Falls Five, an Eastern Washington family staring down lengthy prison sentences after the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency raided their medical marijuana farm last year.

Supporters of the Kettle Falls Five and other pot advocates are encouraged by Congress essentially declaring a cease-fire in its war with medical marijuana. But despite the clear intent behind the legislation, it’s entirely possible that the federal government will keep medical marijuana in its cross hairs.

Kari Boiter, the Washington state coordinator for the pro-medical pot group Americans for Safe Access, has been an

advocate for the Kettle Falls Five case.

She’s taken Larry Harvey, one of the Kettle Falls Five, in his 70s and wheelchair-bound from gout, to Capitol Hill to lobby the nation’s lawmakers to change how they treat medical marijuana.

“It can have a huge impact here in Washington,” says Boiter of the clause in the spending bill. “This opens up a huge door to discuss medical marijuana because it’s part of federal law.”

Mike Liszewski, government affairs director for Americans for Safe Access, says the legislative intent behind the new law gives lawyers representing medical marijuana patients a clear shot to get their clients off the hook, if they don’t get tripped up on a technicality.

But Robert Fischer, the federal public defender representing the Kettle Falls Five, isn’t as bullish about the idea that getting the charges dismissed against his

clients will be a slam dunk. He’s currently analyzing the new legal landscape for medical pot and what it might mean for his client.

“Well, it could mean that the Department of Justice is no longer funded to prosecute or pursue the prosecution on pending cases,” says Fischer when asked what the new spending law means. “But that depends on how you read the law.”

Fischer isn’t sure how the federal prosecutor on the case will read the law.

The U.S. Attorney’s Office for Eastern Washington, which is prosecuting the Kettle Falls Five case, referred the Inlander to the DOJ for comment. A spokesman says the department is reviewing the legislation and wouldn’t comment further.

The language in the budget amendment states that no funds for the Department of Justice, which oversees a range of law enforcement agencies, can be used to “prevent” states from implementing their medical marijuana laws. Eapen Thampy, executive director of Americans for Forfeiture Reform, says the language of the budget amendment is loose enough that it could still allow federal raids of medical marijuana operations because, strictly speaking, they’re not preventing states from implementing their laws.

“This is a very narrow, cosmetic piece of legislation,” he says.

Mason Tvert, director of communications for the Marijuana Policy Project, points to a 2013 DOJ memo stating that the feds would back away from medical pot if they believed it was being robustly regulated at the state level. Tvert says that the legislation won’t greatly change the situation and formalizes the existing arrangement.

Even though the federal government is more tolerant of medical marijuana under this existing arrangement, it still means raids and people going to prison.

According to a 2013 report from Americans For Safe Access, during the previous 17 years the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration conducted 528 raids. More than half of those raids (270) occurred under the Obama administration. Eighty people, according to the report, have gone to prison under federal charges for their involvement with medical marijuana.

Boiter says that although this legislation might provide an opening for these incarcerated individuals, they face particular challenges. Once they’ve pleaded guilty to these charges, she says, their assets are seized, making it difficult for them to scrape up enough money for a lawyer to challenge their incarceration.

Even though lawyers representing medical marijuana patients might have more leverage, Boiter expects there to be some resistance.

“It’s not going to happen overnight,” she says of getting federal pot charges dismissed. “[Federal law enforcement] are not going to say, ‘OK, I guess we are done here.’” n jaket@inlander.com

NEWS | IN-PERSON

Face to Face with Jessen A brief encounter with Spokane’s infamous CIA torture architect

BY JACOB JONES

A

red tractor idles in the courtyard of Dr. Bruce Jessen’s massive $1.2 million home south of Spokane. Pillars and stone arches line the entryways. Red ceramic tiles cover the roof of the estate. When the former Fairchild Air Force Base psychologist and now-infamous architect of the CIA’s interrogation program steps out, he freezes for a moment before realizing I am just a reporter. He’s a little on edge.

“There’s a lot going on,” he tells me. “It’s a difficult position to be in.”

Jessen explains nondisclosure agreements prohibit him from discussing the U.S. Senate’s LETTERS newly released CIA torture Send comments to report, despite what he called editor@inlander.com. “distortions.” Polite, but clearly upset, Jessen notes he has a “No Trespassing” sign near the end of his driveway. As he heads toward the tractor, he adds an ominous observation.

“You know, they didn’t prosecute Zimmerman,” he says.

In hindsight, his statement seems a chilling reference to the acquittal of George Zimmerman, a controversial case over the legal use of deadly force in so called “stand your ground” situations.

At the time, I assumed he was alluding to something in the CIA report that I was not familiar with. The comment confused me, but did not seem threatening.

Jessen and his colleague, Dr. James Mitchell, both formerly with the Fairchild Air Force Base survival school, put together many of the techniques used for interrogating prisoners after Sept. 11, such as waterboarding and sleep deprivation. The report indicates their Spokanebased company received Bruce Jessen lives in a million-dollar more than $80 million for mansion south of Spokane. its services.

While Mitchell has publicly disputed parts of the report, Jessen had rejected calls from reporters across the country. So as a last resort, I drove to his house recently and happened to catch him taking out the garbage. Jessen tells me he would like to “set the record straight,” but declines to offer any details.

“There’s nothing more I can say,” he says.

Jessen then shakes my hand to end the conversation. I wish him a merry Christmas, but ask once more if there was anything he would like to add. He suggests I leave while we are still on “amiable terms.” He then closes the door of the tractor cab and puts the machine in gear. n

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 19

20 INLANDER DECEMBER, 2014

YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

UNCLE LE-O-NARD’S PERPLEXING EXIT B Y S T E V E S T. G E O R G E With a mixture of sly humor and subtle dread, this story gathers an absurd cast of family members around the table to share drinks and stories. Bottles pass ‘round. Children argue. Elders laugh. As their glasses go empty, each memory inches us closer to inevitable tragedy. — JACOB JONES

short fiction contest

C

A S W E G AT H E R A R O U N D W I T H L O V E D O N E S F O R T H E H O L I D AY S , M A N Y O F U S W I L L S H A R E I N O L D TRADITIONS,

TIMEWORN

RITUALS

AND

WA R M

R E F L E C T I O N O N PA S S I N G S E A S O N S . W H I L E T H I S Y E A R ’ S F I C T I O N T H E M E WA S “ S P I R I T S , ” A L L O F O U R W I N N I N G S T O R I E S A L S O F O C U S E D O N FA M I LY — T H E I R C H A R A C T E R A N D Q U I R K S , A N D O F T E N T H E I R D E AT H S . S T I R I N A L I T T L E L I Q U O R AND THINGS GET INTERESTING. WE HAD NINE S TA F F J U D G E S R E A D T H R O U G H M O R E T H A N 1 3 0 SUBMISSIONS ROWED

THIS

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YEAR, 16

WHICH

FINALISTS

WERE

ute kid, huh? That’s me.

Eleven years old. Crew cut.

Big ears. Red, plump cheeks to match my red, plaid shirt, sleeves rolled up like Brando. My smile is crimped by a bit of arrogance, unjustified by my lack of years. “A bit of a wise guy,” my teacher once noted.

And yes, I am sitting at the head of the table, which you’d think would be reserved for an honoree of some sort; just as two days ago at Christmas dinner, when Great Grandfather William sat here, silently watching over as we celebrated the birth of Christ with encore performances of gluttony and drunkenness, all predictable to the point of being ritualistic, our own Purgatorial Twelve Stations of the Cross.

No, I sit here because it was the only place to sit. The other seats were stumbled upon and claimed simply because they were nearest to he or she who stumbled. These are “The Remnants,” as Uncle Le-o-nard calls these Christmas celebrants who don’t have to get right back to work, or back to school, those who have nowhere better to go.

There are four to my right: Cow Girl, my older cousin; then Eddie Einstein, Cow Girl’s new sidekick; next to him is Grandma Gwendolyn, looking as serene as I’ve ever seen her; and next to Grandma is her leather-skinned sparring partner, Circus Sidney, the man who taught me how to fish and properly cuss.

The other side of the table is reserved for Mother, who is setting out glasses, running to the kitchen, yet to actually claim her seat; and D-Dad, looking old, still wearing the same Tshirt he wore to Christmas dinner.

“Well, shall we get started?”

Standing at the end of the table is the master of ceremonies, Uncle Le-onard, unshaven, wearing bleached-out jeans and a well-worn Mao jacket, barely buttoned over his expanding 35-year-old belly. His mop of wiry, white hair is perpetually charged with static electricity, drawing many ...continued on next page

NAR-

BEFORE

WE

SELECTED THESE TOP THREE STORIES. THOSE WRITERS WILL SPLIT $500 IN CASH PRIZES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF THE INLAND-

E R ’ S S H O R T F I C T I O N C O N T E S T. Y O U C A N F I N D A N A D D I T I O N A L T H R E E R U N N E R S - U P O N L I N E AT INLANDER.COM. CHEERS. — JACOB JONES, CONTEST EDITOR

first place

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 21

short fiction contest

“UNCLE LE-O-NARD’S PERPLEXING EXIT,” CONTINUED... prolonged stares in mid-’60s Post Falls, Idaho.

And there’s this delicate subject: Yes, Uncle Le-o-nard is the same Leonard whose tragic death — and the media sideshow that followed — we the people of the future eventually read about in the newspapers. Some papers even published the shocking photo of the crucifix-like piece of jagged metal — shrapnel from a nearby explosion — protruding from his forehead as if some conqueror had crawled ashore his face and claimed it for the king. The stories all featured scandalous headlines like: “Disbeliever and Family Purged” and “God’s Revenge on Atheist Activist?”

On the table in front of Uncle Le-o-nard are six bottles of various alcoholic spirits, one contributed

“Manischewitz is a name steeped in tradition.

For over 60 years has provided high-quality kosher wines. All Manischewitz products are produced under strict rab-bin-i-cal supervision.”

“Holy Christ,” D-Dad says.

“It’s blessed by rabbis,” Mother scolds.

There is a smattering of applause. I can tell from her thin smile and slow way she blinks her eyes that Mother is happy with her performance. It is that same gleam of triumph and contentment that says, the kitchen is finally clean, the laundry done.

Then, the gleam is gone, and she is off to solve the next series of problems.

Mother is very meticulous about the way she goes about her problem-solving, ever since solving the first of life’s big challenges by marrying an older man with a nice house and a good job, a real future.

I have no theories on why Mother thinks she’s Jewish.

Sadly, Mother will expire in a tragic car rollover when she swerves her ’52 Studebaker to avoid a milkman fully enveloped in flames and staggering down the street like Frankenstein.

“Outstanding, Helen,” says Uncle Le-o-nard. He carefully steps around the table, pouring an ounce or so of the purple wine into the vessels of all those eligible. “Tom, I’m assuming you brought what you always bring: a case of Oly stubbies.”

“In the Frigidaire if anyone wants one.” D-Dad says. He takes a sip from the one in his hand.

“It’s the water,” says Uncle Le-o-nard.

Ironically, D-Dad made it through D-Day but lost his final battle when he asked Mother to drive him to the hospital in her ’52 Studebaker after he

He runs up, hops in and stops it, only to put himself in the worst possible position in regard to a milk wagon and an out-of-control gasoline truck. by each of this year’s participants.

“Interesting,” he says. He picks up a dark, rectangular bottle with a colorful label. “Okay, who here brought the Manischewitz? — a kosher Jewish wi-” “Oh, for god’s sake, Helen,” says D-Dad. “Damn it, Thomas!” says Mother. “You’re supposed to let them guess.”

“You’re not Jewish,” D-Dad says, “That’s my guess.”

Mother interrupts D-Dad’s further protest by loudly clearing her throat. She unfolds a tiny piece of paper and squints to read her minuscule handwriting:

22 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

suffered third-degree burns trying to twist a 525-degree doorknob.

Still, I find it hard to blame D-Dad for chugging the stubs. This is his house, which he bought when he came back from the war, and in which he grew old even before he met Mother. Every year at this time it’s invaded almost exclusively by Mother’s kin.

D-Dad’s house is popular because it is huge, and happens to be located in the midst of Mother’s clan: on one side, the river people, the families of the St. Maries/upper St. Joe area, represented today

by Grandma Gwen and Sidney; and on the other side, the city slickers from Spokane, represented by Uncle Le-o-nard, Cow Girl, and Einstein.

Uncle Le-o-nard completes the tour around the table and back to his makeshift podium. I look down. To my surprise, I find in my cup a generous dose of high-quality, rabbi-blessed, kosher wine.

I gulp it down. Not pleasant, to be sure, but certainly not horrible, and now this interesting, warm, buzzing thing wriggling throughout my core. Yeah, I could be a Jew. Before I’m able to fully assess the wine’s qualities, the next bottle is going around. Again I find my cup blessed. But this time Cow Girl has witnessed Uncle Le-o-nard’s corruption.

She will not rat on me, though. It is her bottle of Peppermint Schnapps making the round; this is her spotlight. She goes on, spattering her cud and yapping about this “snappy mint flavored liqueur.”

By the way, it’s not “cowgirl,” as in the complement to her cowboy. No, it’s Cow Girl, the girl who is a cow. She once dumped a coffee can of frog eggs in Mother’s purse knowing I’d be blamed. This is her first year of booze eligibility and she’s going on like she just won the Harry Utter Award at the Spokane County Fair.

Cow Girl retired her mortal frame and waddled into the big Manure-and-Mud-Filled-Fenced-in-Areain-the-Sky after she walked up to a burning gas

truck... Not something I’d do. I hope I’d consider the obvious possibility that it could blow up.

Which it did.

I toss back the liqueur. To Cow Girl’s credit, I’ll be damned if “snappy” and “mint” aren’t the first words that come to mind.

“Is it kosher?” I ask, completely serious.

Everyone laughs, most of them still ignorant of my newfound criminal indulgences.

Cow Girl tries to go on with her presentation, but to no avail. The table’s interest has shifted to a glass milk bottle filled with clear liquid that Uncle Le-o-nard holds up like the head of a defeated warrior.

“Grandma Gwen!” everyone shouts, except me, and Cow Girl, who jabs me in the leg with a fork.

Grandma Gwen issues a strange cackle. Since she rarely speaks anymore, her nonsensical interjection imposes a short, uncomfortable silence on the crowd.

Grandma was bartender of the secluded Big Eddy Tavern on the St. Joe River for over 30 years, all the while chain-smoking Pall Malls and drinking Lucky Lager. She and Sydney knew every fishing hole between the Big Eddy and Gold Creek Road. I once heard their high-decibel bickering through a half-mile of thick woodland.

I am happy to report that Grandma Gwendolyn is to die peacefully in her sleep. This is debated by some in the family, mostly the city slickers. But I was there. I was the only one with her when she died.

Circus Sydney, on the other hand, was incinerated in a horrible fire before anyone could discover why he was called Circus Sydney. No trace of his body was ever found.

“I should warn you-,” says Uncle Le-onard, and goes on with the standard bit about Grandma’s famous moonshine, its potency, how it’s made, and so on. All interesting stuff, but I’ve heard it before.

What I haven’t done yet is taste it. So imagine my dismay when, following Uncle Le-o-nard’s next lap, I find a few paltry droplets in my cup.

Fortunately, Nature calls Cow Girl. Just as I’m about to purloin her hooch, her pansy-ass chum Eddie Einstein dumps his drink into hers.

Without hesitation, I grab the double drink and dump it into my cup, then refill her cup with water, right before Einstein’s astonished eyes.

I sip small, expecting hellfire. But, no, it is smooth like chocolate milk. I sip large. It is lush and snug and perverse, like a bear hug from the circus fat lady. The rabbis got nothing on Grandma Gwen. I swill the rest.

Eddie Einstein blinks awkwardly and says, “I really don’t think-” “I can see that,” I shoot back. I snarl, accidentally, but I go with it. I’m consumed with the desire to kick his wimp ass, and just as I’m about

to say so, two identical Cow Girls return from their pie dumping in the back forty.

“What’s happening what’s happening?” they say to Einstein, who is unfazed by the doppelgänger. Einstein tells the bovine twins they’re just in time.

Uncle Le-o-nard steps around and straddles lime wedges over the edges of our glasses. He pours us each a shot.

“You can only buy it in Mexico,” squeaks Einstein, like it’s a big secret.

Eddie Einstein will perish when he goes to retrieve his camera from his car and discovers his car rolling slowly down the street. He runs up, hops in and stops it, only to put himself in the worst possible position in regard to a milk wagon and an out-of-control gasoline truck.

I muddle the lime with my middle finger.

Cow Girl watches with wonderment and disgust.

Still, I see beyond — deep down, she’s enormously attracted to me.

“Here, split mine,” says Einstein. “I’ve had enough.” He pours a bit into Cow Girl’s glass then dumps the rest into my cup with a strange plop.

Cow Girl picks up her glass. “All in one?” she says, all flirty. “Bet’cha y’can’t.” She puts it to her lips.

I drain my cup in one mighty saloon-cowboy slurp and immediately realize I have stumbled upon new territory: Nothing snappy or minty here. In this has Satan soaked his feet. It is Witch gargle. Ogre drool. And something more. There was something else ... in there...

“I know what you’re thinking,” says Eddie Einstein. “Now that I’ve eaten the w-” SPLOOSH The participants sit motionless. It is as if a spray gun misted everyone with precisely spaced, purplish micro particles of a snappy, minty firewater/bile/turkey sandwich cocktail blessed by rabbis.

Grandma Gwen is the first to move. Her ancient hand creeps like an old cat across the table.

She fishes in her cup with forefinger and thumb and retrieves one tiny Red Worm from Oaxaca, Mexico.

“Well I’ll be go-to-hell,” says Grandmother Gwendolyn.

D-Dad laughs first. Then Mother giggles, girllike. Her and D-Dad’s eyes meet strangely. Soon everyone is laughing, except for Grandma, who somehow nods off to sleep, even in this ruckus.

Neither is Uncle Le-o-nard laughing. He looks at me directly and mouths RE-MEM-BER ME, then quietly slips out the door, unseen by the others.

“Ah, forgiveness — that’s what family’s all about,” says Eddie Einstein, laughing. “We should get a picture. I’m gonna run out to the car and get my camera.” n

about the author Steve St. George of Spokane wrote for Eastern Washington University’s The Easterner and The Scene Magazine in the early ’90s, but has primarily dedicated himself to short films in recent years. St. George helped write and perform in A Drink in the Dark, a finalist in the international 13th Annual 24-hour Film Race in May. He also writes cultural commentary at OtherSpokane.com.

Happy Holidays FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT THE

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 23

short fiction contest

Our Knees Would Buckle and Bend

BY ROS S CARP E R This story captures the emotions of traveling across endless stretches of barren freeway landscape with a passenger you don’t want to talk to, and the unstoppable personal-reflection monologue that takes center stage in the mind.

In an intriguing combination that’s less relatable, this story also features a fatal mouthful of Sun Chip crumbs, a Juggalo cousin and a 1989 Cadillac Deville. — CHEY SCOTT

M

ile marker 170. According to several billboards, this is my big chance to see the worldfamous “1880 Town,” which I assume is sad, haunted by the spirits of incompetent I-90 entrepreneurs. I continue at 83 miles per hour. I can see the tourist trap from the road; to me the fake town looks like a rejected set from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. In the passenger seat Kurt is either asleep or simply mesmerized by what I assume is a Best of Insane Clown Posse

24 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

playlist in his earbuds. These first hours of our roadtrip, Kurt has been pleasingly non-interactive. My goal is to traverse the whole of South Dakota before he asks if I want to “talk about it.”

“It” was a Sun Chips bag. They confirmed it, both the eyewitness lady and the official grand examiner of our friendly hometown death-cause bureau. Yes: as we suspected, my father, esteemed holder of two Master’s degrees, was operating a motor vehicle while eating lunch. This is officially frowned upon by the highway patrol and other entities; it is unofficially normal. What isn’t normal is that he apparently did what I had always made fun of him for doing. I can see him still, standing next to the trash compactor in my folks’ kitchen. He tilted the bag up

second place

to drink what he called “the microchips.”

Otherwise, these especially flavor-packed crumbs would have been wasted. I remember calling him ‘gross’ when he did this. Such was our father/daughter banter.

This particular chip bag was no “grab bag” or a “fun size snack attacker” — this was a full-size bag. That was the problem.

It was big. But it’s not like he had eaten the whole bag. My dad was no fatty. He had just brought it from home as-is, no second baggie required because only one serving remained. Cost savings! My mom remembered him packing his lunch that morning, just a month ago now. Maybe it was actually two servings left, if you follow the FDA portion guidelines.

The point is not the fact that my dad actually cut a pretty trim figure for a 53-year-old American. The point is not that he was smart, or that he was tall with soft forgiveness eyes and salt-and-

pepper hair that hadn’t changed since I can remember. The point is that, while driving between the two hospitals where he worked, he tipped up the chip bag.

Forever speeding and multitasking, he was traveling roughly 43 miles per hour on a two-way arterial as he focused on emptying the microchips from the full-size bag into his mouth, a bag large enough to obscure such items as a parking meter and the concrete stanchion near the sign for Golden Rule Brakes, the sign that always displays an inspirational pun. Cause of death: Sun Chips. Harvest Cheddar.

Now I’m looking at Kurt and trying not to look like I’m looking at him. I’m trying to focus on driving. Like me, he is in his early twenties. We are cousins; otherwise perhaps he would hit on me. He may still. Once, in a spurt of unsolicited girl talk, another cousin told me he had attempted a “make-out sesh” with her.

Kurt is not doing a ton these days. This is why he was enlisted — by unknown members of my extended family — to accompany me home in my newly acquired light-gold 1989 Cadillac Deville. The immaculate old beast belonged to my late grandparents, and was taking up space in a farm equipment shed. They called to tell me it was all mine, as long as I didn’t try to drive the 1,200 miles home to Spokane from eastern South Dakota by myself. I could fall asleep from lack of conversation. The engine could stall, leaving me to freeze to death. I could hit a deer. Hence, Kurt. In each horrific scenario, Kurt’s man-boy presence would be my saving grace.

I accepted the car graciously, as I had seen women in the Midwest graciously accept a platter of ham-and-butter sandwiches, dropped off when someone dies. I flew out, signed the title, and here we are. I really need a car.

Someone had free air miles for Kurt’s flight from Spokane back to Sioux Falls. Kurt is from a very white, very rural area — flat expanses of corn and soybeans and cattle. Yet he wears large stud earrings (which I certainly hope are cubic zirconia) and a slightly off-kilter Minnesota Twins cap. His white T-shirt hangs on his rail-thin body, stretching down nearly to his knees, even as he slouches on the plush, velvety

passenger seat. His pants are less baggy than I remember. I am planning for Kurt not to do any of the driving.

“Jocelyn, I thought you should know. They listed it on the Darwin Awards website,” Kurt says now, finally. And then, “That was messed up.”

“I agree.” After some silence, I try a joke.

“But unfortunately he had already reproduced.

Here I am, carrying stupidity forward in our species. Maybe we should stop for some chips… to go.”

Kurt is wearing his earbuds again, and I’m glad he didn’t hear this last part. It’s too soon to say a thing like that — at least by any normal standard. But I’m not too proper. I bowhunt, and I did before The Hunger Games made female bowhunting a thing. I’m working on coining the term “violent vegetarian” — except for wild game I hunt myself, I eat a plant-based diet. People need to be directly in touch with the losses related to their consumption. I told Kurt about it last night when he asked if I wanted the rest of his McNuggets. He offered to let me borrow his shotgun to walk the pasture, fill a cooler with pheasants I could take home. I told him I only bowhunt, no firearms. I could feel his smirk. ...continued on next page

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 25

short fiction contest “OUR KNEES WOULD BUCKLE AND BEND,” CONTINUED... e’ve made it to Wyoming, and I’m not excited about two things. First, a snow front, which the app on my phone insisted would stay south of I-90. Second, Kurt has broken the seal on what he referred to as his “fine spirits” — Courvoisier brand cognac to be exact.

“Was it P Diddy or Puff Daddy or Diddy Dirty Money who had a song about Courvoisier?”

“Shut up. It’s good. Want a nip to sharpen your snow-driving skills?”

“No.” I have no desire for the drink. But something transports me back to my grandfather’s barn six years ago, when Kurt offered me a beer in front of all the cousins and guffawed when I refused. His reaction now is similar.

“That’s you. Just say no!” He has

W

“Out of my space,” I say, more sternly than I want to. His earbuds go back in, and he sips again from his bottle. he wind is keeping the roads dry, and the Caddy’s dashboard reports an external temperature of one degree. The snow is blowing, swirling just above the road, weaving and dancing rather beautifully from the breeze and in the wake of semi trucks. My family went to church until I was twelve or so. I remember one Sunday school lesson near the end; I was bored until someone read those verses in Genesis. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. I tuned out the rest of the lesson, but hung on

T

The snow is blowing, swirling just above the road, weaving and dancing rather beautifully from the breeze and in the wake of semi trucks. taken more than a nip already. He continues in a prim, robotic voice. “I cannot eat food unless I have wrung its neck myself. I cannot drink the nectar of the demons. I cannot allow a man to drive my car. Because in all ways I am better.”

“Easy, Kurt.”

“You know, in some states — perhaps the one we’re driving through right now — open containers are cool and passengers can drink. Even the driver can drink as long as she’s not over the legal limit. For real. Beer in the cup holder and the state patrol guy can’t say a damn thing.”

“I think they are in the process of changing those laws.”

“The process is incomplete,” he says, waving his open cognac bottle beneath my nose.

to that foggy spirit, swirling amid the chaos. Still not sure what I think of all that, but it’s stuck there in my brain or my chest or somewhere, the feeling of that fog-spirit intriguing me far more than some bearded, white-cloaked figure up on a cloud, nowhere near the chaotic surface of things. Anyway, the snow-swirl looks like God right now, I guess. I reduce my speed to 60.

Kurt is asleep. I’m unsure whether it’s normal sleep or passed-out sleep.

The Courvoisier had led him to some dancing to the music in his earbuds.

I laughed and it eased things a bit.

I asked to hear the music in case I wanted to dance, too. I didn’t dance, but it was a nice cousin moment. We each had an ear with music in it, and an ear to carry on a light conversation with each other, which consisted of me

making fun of his bad music and him defending it.

Kurt wakes up now. “Where are we?”

“Crow Indian Reservation, between Sheridan and Billings.”

“It’s getting dark. We weren’t supposed to drive in the dark.”

“Thank you for your concern, Mr. Courvoisier. I’d like to make Billings so tomorrow is easier. It’s not that dark.”

“You should have woken me up in Sheridan to decide.” His tone is fatherly, perhaps genetically so because his father is my dad’s brother. It pisses me off.

“Back to sleep, now, Kurt,” I say, motherly.

“You might take it a bit slower with the snow and all,” he continues. “You don’t want to run off the road in this part of the country.”

Somehow, he is asleep again before I can blow up at him. e’re almost to Crow Agency, nearing the site of Custer’s last stand. It is full dark. The snow swirl is more foreboding in the headlights than in sunlight.

It’s less certain now what is sticking and what is part of the cloud. I am glad that, in 1989, they had discovered front wheel drive. They hadn’t discovered airbags. I look at Kurt’s slumping body, picturing the worst. Because I’m glancing at him, I miss an ice patch.

This boat feels more boat-like than ever when it spins. There is a quiet now, and I’m waiting with my heart

W

high in my chest. I don’t scream.

We’ve done a 180-degree turn, and we’re not done. Now at 270, still on the road but nearing the shoulder.

I had been going about 65, trying to make Billings appear, so we had some momentum. We get to 360, then hit the weeds. We bounce on the couchlike velvet bench seat, and this wakes up Kurt, who does scream. Bouncing but not flipping. The slope is gradual.

The snow slows us and finally stops us. It’s quiet.

There is a moment after my arrow passes cleanly through the vital organs of a deer. It also is quiet. The rest of the body functions for a time, running perhaps, but dying. When a nail pierces a 2x4 it only displaces the wood in its path. The surrounding area is unaffected, and unless split, it functions forever, holding up the house.

I think a lot about the ability of anyone to do anything as the tragedies pile up. I was functional once, nodding gravely at my friends’ various losses, then later watching my Netflix show and going to sleep. If we weren’t so capable, our knees would buckle and bend daily from the weight. Our laughter and forgetting would be taken away, and there is nothing fair about that either.

The Cadillac has no airbags, but its seatbelts are made-in-America strong.

They had pressed our wind out, but our bodies, our spirits if there are such things, went maddeningly untouched.

The first breath comes, and then another. n

about the author Ross Carper lives in Spokane with his wife Autumn and their two young daughters. An MFA graduate of EWU’s Inland Northwest Center for Writers, he currently serves as director of middle school and college ministries at First Presbyterian Church. He has previously published fiction, poetry and journalism in various small publications and newspapers.

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i sweAR

BY CAS EY G U E RI N A tequila-fueled stream of consciousness about loss and expectation set around a visit to the Trash Goat to deposit some precious cargo. The narrator’s fuzzy childhood memories blend with gritty adult realities in this story full of melancholy and humor.

— DAN NAILEN

I

swear, I swear I saw the Trash Goat talk once, or maybe not talk but move his mouth around, chewing on that trash like it was cud, but there’s a little room for doubt in my mind because that was also the night I drank all of Johnny’s mom’s tequila, even the bloated worm floating above the silty bottom. When I heard the Trash Goat sing I started crying, just a

tear but still, and Kissy hip-checked me hard enough to land me squarely back in reality, ass-on-pavement style.

We spent a lot of time in the park that winter, feeding the Trash Goat crumpled Styrofoam cups that Johnny lifted from work; also joint roaches, taking pictures of the goat

third place

toking up before letting him inhale the embers. The night Johnny brought the tequila, handing it to me in a brown paper bag like a bouquet, I knew he meant for me to get drunk; I also knew I would, knew the night would end with me puking or f---ing, maybe both, and either way the next morning was going to feel different than all the ...continued on next page

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 27

short fiction contest “I SWEAR,” CONTINUED... others.

Everyone made fun of me but I swear, I swear I saw that statue’s head lift, the scruff of his billy goat beard moving in time to his chewing, and I saw him wink at me, like this was our little secret. Those nights in the park

never failed.

It feels like every memory I have of being a kid takes place in this park with my Papa, and of course that’s crazy and not true, but it feels true and that’s what matters, especially half a bottle of tequila in with a dead

It feels true and that’s what matters, especially half a bottle of tequila in with a dead worm waiting for you. we’d take turns mounting him, hands up like we were riding a roller coaster, but I wasn’t really there, I was remembering being little and holding up my arms for my Papa to hoist me up onto the goat’s cold metal back where I held on tight to its stubby horns and tried to breathe through my bunchedup snowsuit. When we went to the park my Papa carried bread crumbs in his pockets for the ducks and geese, and he taught me not to be afraid of the big goose when he toddled over to me, his puffed-up chest meeting me at eye level. I don’t think that was exactly sound advice but somehow it

worm waiting for you. I knew in my limited drinking experience that taking a bunch of shots all in a row meant getting the liquor down fast, letting the burn run hot, so reality would not fade into drunkenness but slam into me like a brick to the head, a smashedopen pumpkin feeling that would let me unclench this earth and drift up over the park, maybe to the roof of the clock tower. Maybe higher still, up and over the falls.

But I swear, I swear it wasn’t just the tequila or the slimy worm that torpedoed down my throat, bypassing my stomach and going straight for my

s! ow rl a B m ro F r ea Y ew N y p p a H

veins, wriggling through my bloodstream making everything shimmer and dance: my blood, my head, the sky, that goat. It wasn’t just the liquor or knowing I’d f--- Johnny and Kissy would be mad because I’d been first.

That Trash Goat saw me and I saw him, and in that moment we both knew. I wanted to give him the worm, spit it back up and feed it to him like his cud, like the trash, so he could feel its shimmery dance. Maybe his hooves would unbolt from the ground and his twisted metal body would buck into life and everyone else would be too drunk to notice or care when we flew up and over, away from it all.

My Papa told me he wanted some of his ashes fed to the goat when he died, but the night we lifted up the tiny urn and poured him out over the

falls that didn’t roar quite so fierce in the icy December eve, I forgot to save some so I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue like I was waiting for snow. When I tasted him I ran from the bridge, to the Trash Goat, and I kissed his frozen snout, opened my mouth and let my tongue press against his iron face. I hoped this would be enough. When my tongue didn’t stick to the freezing metal, I took it as a sign.

But tonight, tonight with the moon high and full and Kissy dancing alone in her beautiful way and Johnny laughing as he looked at me holding that tequila bottle by its neck, I swear, I swear the goat stared directly into my eyes and winked, maybe even serenaded me. So Papa, I think it probably, definitely, maybe worked okay. n

about the author Casey Guerin is a second-year MFA candidate at the EWU Inland Northwest Center for Writers, where she also teaches English composition and creative writing.

She received her BA in English and Communications at Boston College, and now lives in Spokane.

The New

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The answers to life’s great questions. m.inlander.com

HONORABLE MENTIONS

go to inlander.com to read the full versions of these stories

Spirit of Leah

Blue Mist

Spiral Highway

BY KELSEY ADAMS When a relationship ends and the heart is shattered into a million pieces, many turn to alcohol or one-night stands, or even Jesus. In “Spirit of Leah,” the main character, named Leah, takes to building a haphazard canoe after her fiancé ditches her.

Pushing her physical and spiritual limits, Leah journeys from rock bottom to a stronger sense of self.

BY MARK SHRADER The year is 1949. One night, a young sergeant stationed at Hanford gets orders to investigate “suspicious activity” at the B Reactor, the world’s first nuclear reactor and the source of the plutonium used years earlier in the bomb that exploded over Nagasaki, Japan. This is a story about consequences, or “chain reactions” as the author puts it, deeply informed by the history of World War II and Eastern Washington’s unique role in it.

BY RICHARD H. MILLER Fun fact: There actually is a pet cemetery on the Old Spiral Highway in Lewiston, Idaho. In this colorful, quirky tale, the author imagines the fallout when a human body is found there, buried in the dirt. This story, which intertwines two narratives about a pair of unrelated families, is about secrets, discovery and, most of all, life’s unexpected turns.

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DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 29

new year’s eve

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EARLY EDITION Due to the New Year’s holiday, the Inlander will come out a day early!

The next issue will be delivered

WEDNESDAY, December 31st

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

30 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

As You Like It Don’t overthink New Year’s Eve — it’s more fun that way

BY CHEY SCOTT

O

f all holidays, New Year’s Eve is the most unexpectedly stressful.

Schedules are wonky, and no one feels particularly motivated after indulging in all sorts of bad-

for-you foods over the past week. So when Dec. 31 sneaks up, figuring out what to do, where to go and how to get there is often the reason many of us decide, “screw it,” and stay home to watch (or fall asleep while doing so) all

GLITZ & GLAM

the TV networks’ awful midnight countdowns.

To make planning easier, we’ve rounded up some classic and new suggestions for ringing in 2015 in a more memorable fashion.

DINNER AT THE DAVENPORT

If you’re getting all dressed up for the evening, make a big deal of it and get some tasty food in your belly before a night of drinks. Reservations on a night like this are a must, and can be done painlessly over the phone (800-8991482), or online (opentable.com), for both the Safari Room and the Palm Court Grill. Then, off to whatever else is next on the night’s agenda, perhaps one of the following...

If sequins are part of your evening attire, try these fancier, festive gatherings.

OR NYE WITH LAVOY, PINE LEAGUE, NORMAL BABIES

Less formal but still sparkle-friendly, the Bartlett hosts an epic night of local music favorites. All three of these beloved local bands are giving up would-be plans of their own to celebrate with us, so don’t miss an opportunity to rock out during the last hours of 2014. Breaking format from its standard all-ages access, this show is only open to ages 21+. Buy tickets early, since chances are this will sell out. $5/advance; $10/door • 9 pm • 21+ • The Bartlett • 228 W. Sprague • thebartlettspokane.com

PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ

Don’t fret if you’re not a seasoned waltzer; the Spokane Symphony’s annual New Year’s gala includes dance lessons for all — fitting since guests will dance 2014 away to the live sounds of the MasterClass Jazz Orchestra. The superclassy black-tie event benefits the symphony and is the perfect excuse to go all out and channel that Old Hollywood nostalgia. $85/ person • 9 pm-1 am • Davenport Hotel, 10 S. Post • spokanesymphony.org • 624-1200

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 31

CULTURE | NEW YEAR’S “AS YOU LIKE IT,” CONTINUED...

ROCK OUT AT THE DIPPER

FESTIVITIES FOR ALL AGES

Still in its first year of shows, the Big Dipper is quickly becoming one of downtown Spokane’s most active all-ages venues. The whole family can rock out together at the Dipper’s big NYE Battle of the Bands, a condensed one-night version of the Tanzer 4 series it’s been hosting through the year. Who’ll be the last band to take the coveted title for 2014? Depending on who you’re there to root for, you may also still catch part of First Night’s many activities. $6/advance, $10/door • 7 pm • All-ages • The Big Dipper • 171 S. Washington • bigdipperevents.com

Because celebrating New Year’s isn’t just about the booze.

THEN

OR

FAMILY FIREWORKS CRUISE

FIRST NIGHT SPOKANE

The biggest holiday lights display in the Pacific Northwest stays aglow through the first couple of days of 2015, so if you missed its magic before Christmas, now’s the last chance. The Coeur d’Alene Resort hosts a family-friendly lake cruise, offering spectacular views of the lights and an early fireworks show for the young ones who won’t make it until midnight. $15/person • boards at 7 pm, cruise from 7:309:30 pm (early fireworks at 9 pm) • Coeur d’Alene Resort • 115 S. Second • cdaresort.com

So much to do, and so much to see at Spokane’s annual all-ages festival of arts, music and culture. Planning ahead is a must, so make sure to pick up a First Night guide on Inlander racks, or save the insert from our Dec. 11 issue.

Following are a few top suggestions from this year’s schedule. Buttons, $15 through Dec. 30; $18 on Dec. 31 • Events throughout downtown Spokane • firstnightspokane.com

THEN THEN

SUPER SCIENCE SHOW

If you’ve never experienced the mindblowing, fire-filled science demonstrations at Mobius, First Night has it covered, offering a fun and educational presentation. 7-9 pm • Mobius Science Center, 809 W. Main

NYE GRAND CELEBRATION

THEN COUNTDOWN TO THE NEW YEAR

Obviously you don’t want to miss First Night’s — and 2014’s — big finale. Most events conveniently end about 20 minutes before the countdown and show, but if you want to claim a good viewing spot (like by the Convention Center atrium), make sure to head out a little earlier. 11:50-midnight • Riverfront Park

If you’re lucky enough to have been able to hand off the kids to a sitter, adults can continue the night in Roaring Twenties fashion at the resort’s conference center.

(Children are, however, allowed to hang with parents until 9 pm.) Wear Great Gatsby-inspired attire for a costume contest and comfortable dancing all night, which ends with a champagne toast at midnight.

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FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

BY JACOB JONES

BOOK | Many know naturalist John Muir as the driving personality behind federal protection for Yosemite National Park. But a new biography, JOHN MUIR AND THE ICE THAT STARTED A FIRE, explores Muir’s love of Alaskan glaciers.

Author Kim Heacox skillfully pulls from Muir’s journals to lead readers through a vibrant, rugged country — following an almost giddy Muir on cold canoe trips and mountain ascents. Though it might seem dull to follow an old man through fields of ice, the book gives Muir new life by drawing his legend into a narrow focus around his affinity for Alaska. Amid an increasingly urgent debate on climate change, Heacox also shares Muir’s prophetic early warnings about receding glaciers and environmental upheaval.

Venky Jois is a key component of EWU’s impressive style of play.

Y

es, Eastern Washington just came off a three-game losing streak, but don’t let that sour you on the Eagles, because they’re your new favorite local team. Well, with the Zags shaping up as a top-5 squad, second favorite is probably more realistic.

There’s something special happening in Cheney, where the upstart Eagles, who didn’t even make the Big Sky conference tournament last year, have suddenly become one of the better mid-major teams in the country. They traveled to Indiana, coming away with a shocking upset of the Hoosiers, then went to Washington and came within a minute of taking one from the then-No. 17 Huskies. There were two other losses in the recent skid, at Sam Houston State (a solid team) and a stronger-than-expected Cal squad. But let’s forget them for a second.

Coach Jim Hayford, who turned Whitworth into a Division III powerhouse before coming to EWU in 2011, puts a delightfully entertaining product on the court. The Eagles score in bunches, much

of which comes from Tyler Harvey, a junior guard who’s one of the best three-point threats in the country, and Venky Jois, an undersized but slick-as-hell post player who has scored 38 points on two different occasions this year. There are all sorts of role players you’re inclined to fall in love with, like Spokane’s own Parker Kelly, who has hit some big shots this year, and Drew Brandon, a guard whose hustle and athleticism will find him a place in your heart.

This has to remind you of the early, folksier days when Gonzaga went from underdog to perennial power; a gritty, upstart team that scores a lot of points and has fun doing it. Hayford has all the pieces, and you can expect plenty to hop on the bandwagon as the Eagles head into the Big Sky portion of their schedule, beginning on New Year’s Day. The best part? The tickets are still cheap and you can actually buy them at the door.

— MIKE BOOKEY Eastern Washington vs. Weber State • Thu, Jan. 1, at 2 pm • $5-$15 • EWU’s Reese Court • tickets at goeags.com

ARTS SPOKANE ARENA TO HONOR VETERANS Living up to its full name, the Spokane Veterans Memorial Arena has plans to pay tribute to veterans who’ve lost their lives in post-9/11 conflicts with a new art installation.

The Spokane Public Facilities District is looking for artists to submit plans for the memorial, which has a budget of about $150,000 and is scheduled to be dedicated on Veterans Day 2015. Applications must be submitted to Spokane Arts executive director Laura Becker (laura@ spokanearts.org) by Jan. 5.

APP | Remember those red plastic rotating View-Masters that let you click through little paper wheels of 3-D photo slides? Google has just combined the simplicity of cardboard and the functionality of smartphones to rig up a poor man’s virtual reality set. With GOOGLE CARDBOARD, an app converts videos or virtual tours into a split-screen image. Put the phone into your cardboard goggle set and enjoy a 3-D twist on streaming images and games. The app works with Google Street View, and a Canadian travel company has started offering virtual tours of the British Columbia coast using the technology. The app is free, and you can buy a cardboard viewer for about $20, or build your own.

BEER | Few things take the chill off the cold winter weather like a high-alcohol brew. Pullman’s Paradise Creek Brewery recently released its seasonal STOCKING STUFFER QUAD, a ruby caramel Belgium-style aged in tequila oak barrels. Packing a hearty ABV of 11.4 percent, this brew is sure to leave you with a toasty glow. Dark fruit notes and crystal malts temper that booziness surprisingly well, making for an easy drinking addition to the brewery’s holiday arsenal. The brewery suggests pairing the Stocking Stuffer with cookies and a warm fire. Stop by within the next few weeks to catch this one, not that there wouldn’t be plenty of solid alternatives on tap. 

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CULTURE | THEATER

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The cast of Lake City Playhouse’s 2011 production of Rent. YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

The Measure of a Musical The lyrics from Rent can apply to almost anything life throws at you

BY LAURA JOHNSON

R

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eading the lyrics from nearly any musical can feel pretty ridiculous. There’s always someone singing about true love after a one-minute meeting, or how the sun is shining and so they have to dance. Even Rent, although progressive upon its debut, isn’t immune to some level of cheese. And yet we love it.

After debuting on Broadway in 1996, it was hailed as the rock musical for the MTV generation. From the sappy story to its young playwright, Jonathan Larson, who died one day before opening night, everything about the rocking musical was Generation X personified. Loosely based on Puccini’s tragic opera La bohème, Rent follows the lives of poor, artistic types, many of whom are HIV positive, in late 1980s New York.

The show netted the Tony for Best Musical and a Pulitzer and also catapulted the careers of Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs. It’s still performed all around the world year after year, including at the Bing Crosby Theater this weekend.

Here are some of the show’s choice lyrics to apply to various life situations: How to best count the passing of time “In daylights, in sunsets / In midnights, in cups of coffee / In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife / In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes / How do you measure, a year in the life?” — from “Seasons of Love” This is the best song (that piano, that gospel soloist) in the show, even if its math doesn’t exactly add up.

When your beauty is just not your fault “Every single day / I walk down the street / I hear people say “Baby” so sweet / Ever since puberty / Everybody stares at me / Boys, girls / I can’t help it baby.” — from

“Take Me Or Leave Me” These are problems most of us just don’t have to deal with.

What to do at midnight “What’s the time? / Well it’s gotta be close to midnight / My body’s talking to me / It says, Time for danger / It says, I wanna commit a crime / Wanna be the cause of a fight / I wanna put on a tight skirt / And flirt with a stranger.” — from “Out Tonight” Or you could just go out for drinks like normal people.

Hook up or not?

“There’s only us / Only tonight / We must let go to know what’s right / No other course / No other way / No day but today… My only goal / Is just — to be / There’s only now / Give in to love.” — from “Another Day” What men have been saying for centuries to get women into bed.

When deciding whether to pay your rent “Last year’s rent / This year’s rent / Next year’s rent / Rent rent rent rent rent / We’re Not Gonna Pay Rent!” — from “Rent” But it’s always a better idea to pay your rent.

Other real-life questions Rent poses “If you’re so smart / Then tell me why do you need smack?” — from “Another Day” “Then why choose fear? / I’m a New Yorker / Fear’s my life” — from “Life Support” n lauraj@inlander.com The Modern Theater and Friends of the Bing present Rent • Fri-Sat, Dec. 26-27, at 8 pm • $25 • Bing Crosby Theater • 901 W. Sprague • bingcrosbytheater.com • 227-7638

T

A

e s e e Ch

n w O r i e h T f o

A Palouse couple is making a snack cheese that packs quite the punch Northwest Cheescrafters flavors its cheese with ghost peppers, among the spiciest peppers in the world. YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

BY JO MILLER

he ghost pepper boasts a rating of 1 million heat units on the Scoville scale. The Indian pepper, also known as bhut jolokia, held the “world’s hottest pepper” title until it was bumped down the list by even hotter hybrid peppers. But still, it’s 125 times hotter than a jalapeño.

That’s why when Johnny Parkins uses ghost pepper to flavor his Ghost Pepper Cheese Bites, he uses a drug scale to measure out small bits of the fine powder.

“It’s a really good, sharp cheddar cheese and just the right amount of ghost pepper to almost be too hot,” Johnny says.

Ghost Pepper Cheese Bites are the first product from Northwest Cheesecrafters, the business Johnny and his wife, Sharon, created about a year ago at their home in Palouse. The idea to start the business came as a natural extension of Johnny’s day job as production supervisor at the Washington State University Creamery, or as most people refer to him, the head cheesemaker.

Four years ago, Johnny and the assistant manager of Ferdinand’s, WSU’s ice cream shop, worked together on developing cheese flavors.

“We got every pepper known to man and tested them, and we came up with the ghost pepper flavor and we just loved it,” says Johnny.

But because of the pepper’s volatile nature, they decided they couldn’t make a big production batch and have the ghost pepper flying off the creamery’s big, shiny machinery and into students’ lungs. Instead, they made a limited production which sold remarkably well out of Ferdinand’s.

“So I looked at it and thought, ‘Whoa, I could go sell [it],’ because I’m always looking for things to do so I can stay home with Sharon and work at home, you know, the American dream,” he says.

After meeting with WSU’s Innovation Assessment Center to see if the school wanted any proprietary interest (they didn’t), Johnny got the go-ahead to ...continued on next page

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 35

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Northwest Cheesecrafters owners Sharon and Johnny Parkins with their Ghost Pepper Cheese Bites. YOUNG KWAK PHOTO

“A CHEESE OF THEIR OWN,” CONTINUED... sell his own cheese product, similar to but different from the ghost pepper cheese he came up with at the school.

Although he’s adept at the pasteurizing, heating, setting, chopping, pumping, stretching, salting, shoveling, wrapping, pressing and slicing of the cheesemaking process from his time teaching and helping students make the 1,600 pounds of cheese that comes out of the WSU creamery daily — including the ever-popular Cougar Gold and about 10 other flavors — Johnny works as what the dairy industry calls a cheese converter when he does his own cheese.

He buys aged sharp cheddar in bulk from a small Northwest company and gets his ground, oven-dried ghost pepper from a company in Texas, which gets it from India. Working down in a certified clean room that he hand-dug and built under his house, he thoroughly sanitizes and dons rubber boots, a lab coat, hair net and gloves to make his cheese snack.

“I cube it up and I season it up. I bag it up and I seal it. And that’s what I do,” he says.

One of his favorite parts is searching for cheeses, examining flavor profiles and judiciously selecting the kind he wants.

“One of the neat things about what I do, and how I do it, is there’s a whole world of commercial cheese I get to taste,” says Johnny.

When he chose a pepper to flavor the cheese, he wasn’t looking for something “stupid hot,” but rather something to complement the taste of the cheese without overwhelming it. But a spicy warning still comes on the package.

For Sharon, it’s too hot to snack on alone, but she likes to incorporate Ghost Pepper Cheese Bites into dishes like scrambled eggs, bean dip, mac and cheese, or on top of a burger.

“It’s not like jalapeño hot, where all you get is the burn,” she says. “It has a really good flavor, so it gives you the hotness for just a little bit.”

But if you’re not used to hot stuff, it’s intense, says Johnny.

“You can feel that, and your sinuses will loosen up and you may start sweating a little bit,” he says. “Then you start thinking ‘Is this ever going to stop?’, but it keeps climbing through your head and then pops out the top, and it makes what I call a cerebral halo of ghost pepper flavor. And then you know it’s going to be OK because it sort of popped out.”

The two have plans for other cheeses beyond the ghost pepper flavor, which can be found in stores including McLeod’s Palouse Market, the Moscow Food Co-op, Dissmore’s IGA in Pullman and Rosauers in Moscow and Spokane. Next up? Likely an applewood smoked cheese. The couple plans to launch a Kickstarter campaign soon to help them get there, and on to making other cheeses. n Northwest Cheesecrafters • nwcheesecrafters.com

FOOD | OPENING

The Same, Only Different The Local Deli opens in the former Caruso’s sandwich location

BY CARRIE SCOZZARO

T

here’s something familiar about the Local Deli, even though the sandwich shop just opened this fall in Hayden’s Prairie Center. Maybe it’s the smell of freshbaked bread or friendly greeting when you walk in the door.

Or the faces of the Carhart family, who had operated Caruso’s sandwich shop out of this location for almost a decade.

The menu is familiar, too, featuring many sandwiches leftover from Caruso’s, like the Wallace Works — formerly the Godfather — with turkey, roast beef, bacon, and dressing ($6.75/$12.95), but now with your choice of cheese.

Yet the Local Deli is unique, says Shelly Carhart, in that they’re emphasizing “simple and local.”

When they made over the interior, it was with signage and furnishings from local businesses. The few items they don’t make in-house are sourced as locally as possible. Sweetwater Bakery, for example, provides bagels, while Cheryl’s Scones out of Coeur d’Alene provides scones.

New menu items include the Local Club: turkey, bacon, Swiss, cheddar, avocado, tomatoes, sprouts and ranch dressing ($6.95/$12.95). The Appleway Salad features romaine, spinach, apples, grapes, celery, onions, blue cheese, candied walnuts, raspberry walnut poppy-seed dressing and croutons baked from their bread ($6.75).

Additional menu items range from wraps to soups to salads, as well as breakfast. Try the herb tortilla-wrapped burrito ($5.75) or a breakfast sandwich ($4.75-$5.25). Their sandwich menu lets you choose from a wide range of meats and cheeses, as well as dressings and breads, including gluten-free options.

A separate catering menu means sandwich platters, box lunches and even foot-long subs to-go.

They even serve beer, with $1.95 pints for happy hour, yet the place is decidedly family-friendly, including a kid’s menu ($3.95-$4.25) with chips or applesauce and small drink. Over time, they hope to increase the number of local products they use, says Carhart, a busy mother of five, including two who work at the business.

After running the business for nine years, says Carhart, they felt ready to strike out on their own. “So we took the leap of faith.”  The Local Deli • 113 W. Prairie Shopping Center, Hayden, Idaho • Open Mon-Fri, 7 am-8 pm; Sat-Sun, 10 am-6 pm • facebook/localdelihayden • 208-762-4676

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hen it comes to happy hour, Bistango Martini Lounge keeps it simple — virtually everything in the swank, charming little lounge on Post Street can be had for a deal from 4 to 6 pm daily. Chances are you’ll find the atmosphere and friendly service a good reason to stick around.

During happy hour, all beer is $3, all house wines are $4, all premium wells are $5, and if the house specialty cocktail is your pleasure, $6 gets you a straight-up Smirnoff or Bombay martini, a Jack Manhattan or some-

thing sweet like the unique Huckleberry martini.

Food gets the happy hour treatment as well, and owner Reema Shaver says the calamari and hummus are particularly popular; you can get those as well as fish tacos for $6 a plate, perfect for sharing. There are also daily specials worth noting — martinis are $6 all day on Monday, for example — so check BistangoLounge.com for complete information.

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FOOD | SAMPLER

SPORTS BARS 24 TAPS SPORTS BAR 825 W. Riverside | 868-5657 For regulars of Sergio’s, which closed down in April, 24 Taps is going to look similar, down to the ice-covered beer taps. The difference is that those taps on the bar top feature a dozen local beers. Another dozen behind the bar feature other craft brews and domestics, totaling 24, hence the name. The menu is intended to replicate the sort of options available to you were you actually at the game. Nothing tops the $10 mark, and there’s an array of “tappetizers,” including wings, jalapeño-stuffed tater tots, breaded mushrooms and more, to share at your table.

BEACON PUB 317 E. Sherman Ave. | Coeur d’Alene 208-665-7407 This spacious, nautically inspired pub has high ceilings, exposed brick and a vintage oak floor, and the floor-to-ceiling windows and prime corner make it great for watching Sherman’s passersby. When you tire of looking at the beautiful people, flat-screen TVs flank the interior of the island bar, which also features

an under-lit tower of alcohol bottles and taps like Mac & Jack’s and Blue Moon. Absurdly busy on the weekends and creepily quiet during the workweek, watch out for seasonal hours, the musical styling of Lady Gaga and Nickelback, and a crowd of roving 20-something college kids, appletinis in hand.

Gonzaga-area mainstay in 1961 and operated it for 14 years before, with partner Dan Crowley, changing the name from Joey’s to Jack and Dan’s.

Open since 1932, the neighborhood tavern is a quiet place to grab a bite of pub food during the day, and a bustling college hangout during weekend nights.

BIRDY’S SPORTS BAR 12908 N. Hwy. 395 | 863-9572 Sports, drinks, and food — that’s the formula Dan Birdwell based his creation on. His beloved Northside sports bar and family restaurant has gathered a loyal fan base of locals, whether for its many plasma televisions for premium game viewing, 15 choices of tap beer and full bar, or tasty bar cuisine. And there’s free peanuts, something you don’t find often enough in bars these days.

SPIKE’S PHILLYS AND MORE 718 E. Francis | 489-3647 Tucked away in North Spokane is a place where you’ll find one of the region’s more authentic cheesesteaks. Spike’s Phillys and More, which opened in early 2011, serves a total of nine beef Philly options (and another seven chicken choices), all served on Amoroso’s rolls, made in Philadelphia. Spike’s beef features traditional cheesesteak seasonings and oils, and perhaps most notably, they offer most of these sandwiches with Cheez Whiz, the quintessential cheesesteak ingredient. Pair your sandwich with one of their many beers while watching the game on their abundance of TV screens. n

JACK AND DAN’S 1226 N. Hamilton | 487-6546 One of the prime spots — outside of the McCarthey Athletic Center — to watch a Zags game, Jack and Dan’s has long been known as a Gonzaga student, alum and sports fan hangout. Jack Stockton bought this

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Body and Soul

there’s little attempt to get inside Zamperini’s head as he faces an escalating series of physical torments, and the possibility of avoiding those torments if he’s willing to become a propaganda tool. The most compelling relationship is the one that evolves between Zamperini and the sociopathic camp commander Mutsushiro “The Bird” Watanabe, with Myavi Ishihara turning in a chilling portrait of unrestrained power and madness.

But that relationship — like all of Unbroken — virtually demands some kind of resolution, and it’s here that the film loses its bearings. Once Zamperini returns home eventual medal-winner at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. at the end of the war — spoiler alert: Unbroken is about Ultimately, the story takes us to the hardships Zamperini a survivor — the film simply cuts to title cards explainendures during the war: stranded for more than a month ing that he suffered from years of post-traumatic stress on a raft at sea after his plane goes down, then faced with before attempting to find peace by meeting and forgiving two and a half years as a prisoner of war in Japanese those who had wronged him during the war. And that’s a camps. crucial element of Zamperini’s story: His ultimate victory Everything about the pre-war segments feels purely wasn’t just about getting back to the good old U. S. of functional, but Jolie finds her footing in the wartime A. in one piece, but learning what it took to come out sequences. There’s a crisp, unfussy physicality to the psychologically whole as well. Jolie and her screenwriting dogfight scenes in which Zamperini’s plane is peppered team — talented folks like the Coen brothers, William with Japanese gunfire; it’s easy to feel that the craft is Nicholson and Richard LaGravenese — are clearly practically disintegrating around the crew uninterested in that part of the story. As far members as they try to make it to land. as they’re concerned, Fat Man and Little Boy UNBROKEN There’s a similar intensity to the scenes of send Louis Zamperini off to his happily ever Rated PG-13 Zamperini and his two fellow crewmen, after.

Directed by Angelina Jolie Russell Phillips (Domhnall Gleeson) and Maybe it’s enough for some viewers Starring Jack O’Connell, DomhFrancis McNamara (Finn Wittrock), atthat Unbroken works well on a purely visceral nall Gleeson, Miyavi Ishihara tempting to survive at sea, fending off both level, chronicling one determined American physical threats and their own despair. soldier’s refusal to curl up and die. It’s just Then Zamperini is found by the Japanese, and it hard not to find it frustrating when a movie that positions becomes a far more conventional POW drama. Some of itself as a “triumph of the human spirit” story isn’t actuits attempts at emotionally wrenching moments — like ally about the triumph of the human spirit. For Jolie and Zamperini naked and facing what he believes is imminent company, the part of Zamperini’s story that’s about the death — feel cribbed from movies like Schindler’s List, and triumph of his human body appears to be sufficient. 

Unbroken is a “triumph of the human spirit” story that forgets the spirit

BY SCOTT RENSHAW

A

life story generally doesn’t fit a neat dramatic arc; this much is a given. When you’re telling the cinematic tale of a real-life person — as Unbroken does with the tale of Louis Zamperini — you’re going to be deciding what part of a cradle-to-grave timeline is part of your narrative, and what part isn’t. This is artistic license, and if you have a problem with it, then maybe you have a problem with art.

But everyone’s going to have a different threshold for what part of that life story is crucial — what makes it a story, rather than just a series of things that happened to a particular person. And this is where Angelina Jolie’s adaptation of Laura Hillenbrand’s book feels incredibly ill-conceived. As full of thrilling, harrowing, unbelievable actual events as it may be, it’s based on a choice that just doesn’t make dramatic sense.

The film opens with Zamperini (Jack O’Connell) serving as a bombardier during World War II, on a mission that costs some of the members of his plane’s crew their lives. From there it flashes back to the life Zamperini left for war — the son of Italian immigrants in California with a pugnacious, troublemaking streak that got him into hot water but also served him well in his determined drive towards excellence as a long-distance runner and

40 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

Jack O’Connell as real-life hero Louis Zamperini.

FILM | SHORTS

OPENING FILMS BIG EYES

Back in the 1950s, Walter Keane (Christoph Waltz) convinced his wife Margaret Keane (Amy Adams) to let him take credit for her big eye-filled work. Art critics scoffed, but the art eventually became hugely popular.

Decades later, the truth would emerge, shocking fans. This film is sure to have some strangeness; it’s directed by Tim Burton after all. But expect shades of Ed Wood, rather than Big Fish.

(LJ) Rated PG-13

FORCE MAJEURE

women become mentally unstable due to their trying pioneer lifestyles, the hardened Mary Bee Cuddy — played

by Swank— sets out to deliver them to safety in Iowa. (KG) Rated R

THE IMITATION GAME

During World War II, the Germans used a machine called an Enigma that created what were thought to be unbreakable codes for top-secret military communications. British mathematician Alan Turing, played here by Benedict Cumberbatch, was hired by Allied forces to decipher the machine’s codes and help win the war. To do so, he had to create a machine of his own. (MB) Rated PG-13

A sly satire of masculinity as well as an engaging family drama, Force Majeure follows a Swedish family that travels to the (gorgeously shot) French Alps for a ski vacation that is brutally disrupted RY INLAND NORTHWEST HISTO INTO THE WOODS by an avalanche that turns a relaxing The song-filled new telling of familiar lunch into a disaster — particularly for Grimm fairy tales is a terrific piece of family patriarch Tomas. How the family work, with wonderful performances, deals with the unexpected turn in their outstanding production design and1 vacation made this a best foreign film Vo l u m e s t , based o r t hwe a n d Nthis d t h e I n l But film, on nominee for the Golden TGlobes and o k a n e a nwriting. l e s o f S psnappy i m e l e s s Ta the Broadway musical,JR. is also extremeIndependent Spirit Awards. At Magic OR S. McGREG

BY TED EDIT lyEDdark, featuring themes of deception, Lantern (DN) Rated R greed, infertility, and even a taste of es. Do you the stori know an Inlander, you need to on the f you call yourself lasciviousness, and should bedow of nsome farm THE GAMBLER ivory tusks pulled from a ent anci e thos r mbe post reme ing first trad their are concernfurfortrapparents who thinking Jim Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) leads pers set up use? What happened after ivated the etball team of Or bringing theirbask(under 10) capt kids.

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Has Ever Done”?

“The Bigg PGest Thing That Man lege English professor andnatio gambler. n? What about Rated In an effort to pay off accumulating A World’s Fair? rich history of the the tales that define the are just a few of UNBROKEN Those of the debt, Bennett borrows money from first retold in the pages were that es stori — t hwes t Nell Inland Nort Angelina Jolie’s ofll mee Laura der Histories, you’ a gangster (Kenneth Williams) andspap . In Inlanadaptation 1993 in ing start er Inlander new the shores studio on ownstory her Hillenbrand’s tells the of Louis launched places his own life on the line as colwho star film t silen the , icularly Shipman St. Helens on aapart Mt.O’Connell), (Jack bomll hop a flight over lateral. Throughout his raceof toPriesrepay t Lake. You’Zamperini dream of how Walt Worthy kept the ll learn you’ And day. bardier during World War II who, as le his loans, Bennett manages to cut orab mem in downtown Spokane.

Louis Dave a young man, was a Carr medal-winning relationship ties with his invasive andnport alive iker and William ert Rob et, Nisb Jack rians d local histo s, Andrew Sheri Bogg athlete at the 1936 Olympics. affluent mother and developsNote strong dingBerlin rs, inclu write son join Inlander staff the most of of some on a tour you Ultimately, the story takes us to the feelings towards one of his Stim students. take to ey, Book Strickman and Mike together for the first Collected past. n’s regio hardships Zamperini endures during the (KG) Rated R in ton hing important moments Was ern East of ther the tapestry s togestranded thepiece war: for moreinthan and” time, Inlander Histories the “inla ting a rare document of life crea re, cultu o Idah h month on a raft at sea after his plane and Nort HOMESMAN of the continent. this cornergoes part of and down only to be captured by the Tommy Lee Jones, Hilary Swank DESIGN BY CHRIS BOVEY COVER $14.95 Japanese and imprisoned.

(SR) Rated Meryl Streep star in this film that offers PG-13 a glimpse into the challenges faced in the early American West. When three

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NOW PLAYING

AWAKE: THE LIFE OF YOGANANDA

Yeah, everybody does yoga these days, but it didn’t always used to be that way. This documentary tells the story of Paramahansa Yogananda, who brought the ancient art to the Western world in the 1920s and also penned The Autobiography of a Yogi.

Without him, your Saturday mornings would probably have a lot less downward dog. At Magic Lantern (MB) Rated PG

THE BABADOOK

Australian writer/director Jennifer Kent makes a stunningly assured feature filmmaking debut with this unnerving thriller about a single mom, Amelia, who’s exhausted due to the sleeplessness of near-7-year-old Samuel, who fears monsters that he believes to be hiding in closets and under the bed. Things escalate when Mister Babadook, an ominous children’s pop-up book, mysteriously appears in Samuel’s bedroom and warns against a dark and evil creature who cannot be gotten rid of once he’s been allowed into one’s home. At Magic Lantern (MB) Not Rated

Learn more at Inlander.com/books JAN, THE TOY LADY, IS EXCITED ABOUT HER MOVE IN JANUARY 2015 TO THE THIRD LEVEL OF RIVER PARK SQUARE:

, Thank you Spokane!

HI

NK LO C AL •

AL

SHOP LOC L • LI V E LOCA

•

The original Broadway version of Annie came out in 1977. And while the story told four decades later could use some updating, the newest film version of the beloved orphan leaves much to be desired. The pieces are all here — Jamie Foxx in the Will Stacks (aka Daddy Warbucks) role, Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan and the cheeky Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild) as Annie. (LJ) PG

•T

ANNIE

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BIG HERO 6

Boy genius Hiro Hamada (Ryan Potter) spends his time illegally hustling in robot fights until his brother shows him his college science lab where his buddies are making astounding inventions under the tutelage of professor Rob...continued on next page

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Mon-Sat 10am-5:30pm 35 W. Main, Spokane 509-464-7677

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 41

FILM | SHORTS

THE MAGIC LANTERN

NOW PLAYING

FRI DEC 26TH - THUR JAN1ST

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Fri/Sat: 5:30, 7:30, Sunday: 2:00, 5:30, Mon-Wed: 4:15, 6:15

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ert Callaghan (James Cromwell). But after tragedy strikes, Hiro accidentally activates Tadashi’s project — a marshmallow-puffy medical robot named Baymax (Scott Adsit). (SS) Rated PG

BIRDMAN

After good work in lots of small supporting roles over the past couple of decades, Michael Keaton gets back to work as a former franchise movie star now trying to make a comeback on the Broadway stage, but finding obstacles everywhere, many of them in his own head. He’s accompanied by a great cast, including Naomi Watts and Emma Stone, but the most sparks fly in Keaton’s scenes with a Method-mad actor played by Edward Norton. (ES) Rated R

CITIZENFOUR

An intimate look at Edward Snowden’s life in the days just before his spooky treasure trove of NSA secrets went public thanks to Glenn Greenwald and Laura Poitras, the latter of whom directed this film. Citizenfour takes place almost exclusively in Snowden’s Hong Kong hotel room. The details laid out, though, are enough to keep you riveted and make you wonder why this story isn’t still dominating the news cycle. At Magic Lantern (MS) Rated R

EXODUS

Here, Ridley Scott has turned to the story of Moses (Christian Bale) and Rhamses (Joel Edgerton), raised as brothers in the palace of Egypt’s pharaoh, until Moses learns that he was actually born of the Hebrews who serve as Egypt’s slaves and becomes their leader in their fight for freedom. The effects are impressive and on a grand scale, but the performances and chopped-up story undermine those efforts. (SR) Rated PG-13

GONE GIRL

David Fincher (Fight Club, The Social Network) gets his paws on the novel by Gillian Flynn (who also wrote the script) and comes up with one of the twistingest, turning-est and most unsettling movies of the year. Ben Affleck is the once-happy husband whose oncehappy wife, Rosamund Pike, up and vanishes on the morning of their fifth anniversary, with lots of clues and a few secrets pointing directly at him as the perpetrator. (ES) Rated R

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

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DRY FLY

Peter Jackson’s conclusion to The Hobbit is a perfect tie-in to the beginning of The Lord of the Rings. This one picks up right where the previous one ended, with a fiery attack by the dragon Smaug, reintroduces all of the main characters, kills off quite a few of them, and leaves us with a feeling of complete satisfaction. Epic filmmaking by a master. (ES) Rated PG-13

HORRIBLE BOSSES 2

Seeking to raise funds for their business, a trio played by Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day turn to venture capitalist Bert Hanson (Christoph Waltz) and his son Rex

(Chris Pine) to get them started. But when Bert deliberately screws them on their deal — forcing them into a foreclosure where he can swoop in and cash in — the friends turn to an option that conveniently combines revenge with fiscal practicality: kidnapping Rex and using the ransom money to save their business. (SR) Rated R

THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY, PART 1

Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence), reluctant heroine of District 12, has been snatched from the arena where impoverished teenagers play out a tothe-death bloodsport for the amusement of their overlords of the decadent Capitol. In that arena, she accidentally inspired a nation of downtrodden serfs in the future North American nation of Panem to begin tentatively to rise up.

(MB) Rated PG-13

INTERSTELLAR

law called a viager. Accordingly, not only must Mathias wait until Mathilde’s death to take ownership of the place, he also has to continue his father’s payments to her until her demise. At Magic Lantern (DN) Rated PG-13

PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR

Newcomers, however, might get the white-and-black cuties mixed up as they blur around the screen making dad jokes and getting into their usual hijinks as they fight off a mean octopus named Dave who’s trying to eradicate penguins from the face of the earth.

(KJ) Rated PG

ROSEWATER

Iranian native Maziar Bahari, then a documentary filmmaker and Newsweek journalist living in London, went back to Iran to cover the election and part of that included being part of a joke segment with the Daily Show. He got some great interviews and some amazing footage of protests in the streets, and then he was arrested, accused of being a spy — because of that segment — and tossed into solitary. (MB) Rated R

Coop (Matthew McConaughey) is a lonely would-be adventurer in a world that, like ours, has lost its taste for space exploration and is teetering on the edge of environmental collapse.

Mathematician Brand (Michael Caine) and his scientist daughter Amelia (Anne Hathaway) have discovered a wormhole out near Saturn that could hold the key to humanity’s salvation: a new planet to call home on the other side. (MJ) Rated PG-13

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: SECRET OF THE TOMB

Chris Rock steps up to the plate as writer, director and also star of this comedy in which he plays big time comedic actor Andre Allen looking to ditch his ridiculous movie career and be taken seriously.When Andre spends time with a journalist (Rosario Dawson) who questions his career choices, he starts to evaluate his choices. (MB) Rated R

It’s up to Larry the security guard (Ben Stiller) to save the day and make sure the nighttime shenanigans at the Museum of Natural History continue. The powers of the Egyptian tablet breathing life into the museum’s inhabitants is fading, so Larry and his crew head to London on an epic quest. (CS) Rated PG

MY OLD LADY

Kevin Kline is Mathias Gold, a 57-yearold New Yorker with no family, no money and no prospects who arrives in France to take ownership of an apartment left to him by his estranged father. There, Mathias finds an elderly British woman named Mathilde Girard (Maggie Smith) living in the place, the result of an odd bit of French property

Inspired by Jane Wilde Hawking’s memoir about her life with former husband Stephen Hawking, the brilliant theoretical physicist (A Brief History of Time) diagnosed with motor neuron disease at age 21, the film’s heart beats with a romantic optimism, even when each of them finds new soulmates and their union ends. (SD) Rated PG-13

TOP FIVE

WILD

Reese Witherspoon stars as Cheryl Strayed, the woman who walked the length of the Pacific Crest Trail and lived to write a hit book (upon which this film is based) about it. Directed by Jean-Marc Vallee (Dallas Buyers Club), Wild follows Strayed as she deals with her mother’s death and her crippling addiction issues by heading into the wilderness alone. (MB) Rated R 

CRITICS’ SCORECARD THE NEW YORK INLANDER TIMES

VARIETY

(LOS ANGELES)

METACRITIC.COM (OUT OF 100)

Birdman

89

Citizenfour

88

The Babadook

87

Interstellar

76

Theory of Everything

72

The Hobbit

61

Unbroken

60

DON’T MISS IT

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THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES

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ANNIE

PG Daily (11:15) (1:45) (4:15) 6:45 9:20

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: SECRET OF THE TOMB PG Daily (10:15)* (12:30) (2:45) (5:00) 7:10 9:25

EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS

PG-13 Daily (12:15) (3:15) 6:15 9:15

THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 1 PG-13 Daily (11:15) (1:40) (4:20) 7:00 9:35

PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR

PG Daily (10:50) (12:50) (2:50) (4:50) 6:50

BIG HERO 6

PG Daily (11:00) (1:20) (3:40) 6:20

I

can’t recall the last time a film I enjoyed as assigned to the film. much as this one also infuriated me. WatchHey, I’m no prude, but this is NOT a film ing it was the best part: Terrific acting and for young kids. It definitely deserves a PG-13. singing, Oscar-worthy costumes and production Yes, the darkness of the play has been lightened, design, a wholly imaginative transformation of but there are still themes of desperation and very familiar stories into something new. deception, there are hints of infidelity and its The smash stage play, written by James consequences (including death), and there are Lapine, and with songs by Lapine and Stephen moments that are nothing less than sinister.

Sondheim, took a batch of Grimm fairy tales — Case in point: The Wolf (Johnny Depp in an say hello to Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, extended cameo) isn’t just creepy, he’s also right Rapunzel, and Jack (of beanstalk on the edge of being lascivious. fame) — introduced an original There’s something very unsetINTO THE WOODS tling about his initial meeting with story about a baker and his wife Rated PG who want only to have a baby, then Red Riding Hood, during which Directed

by Rob Marshall mashed them all up into something he addresses her, hungrily (read Starring Emily Blunt, Anna new. that however you’d like), as “Miss Kendrick, Meryl Streep, Chris There’s a witch, you see, Plump.”

Pine, Johnny Depp marvelously overacted by Meryl And though there’s plenty of Streep, who has cursed the baker light fluff in the first half, the second and his wife with infertility, but will reverse it if dips down into a spiral of misery for certain they procure for her: a white cow (Jack has one), characters. For some young viewers, a few events a red cape (Red is wearing one), a gold slipper will be upsetting. For others, depending on their (yeah, Cinderella’s shoe was made of glass; just level of maturity, there’s a potential for a couple deal with it), and some yellow hair (look, up in of scenes to be traumatizing. the tower, it’s Rapunzel).

There’s a lot to praise here, but this is a film It all sounds good, like, as the Disney trailthat’s geared toward adults. I’d strongly suggest ers joyfully suggest, it’s the perfect film to see that if you’re thinking of bringing someone under with your family. Sorry, but those trailers are the age of 9 or 10, you should see it first, then misleading, as is the PG rating that the Motion decide if it’s appropriate. Sorry to put a damper Picture Association of America has irresponsibly on this. Just doing my job. 

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R Daily (11:40) (2:10) (4:40) 7:10 9:40

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THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES

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NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: SECRET OF THE TOMB PG Daily (10:15)* (12:30) (2:45) (5:00) 7:10 9:25

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DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 43

INDIE ROCK

Connective Tissue Von the Baptist’s homegrown and introspective music is grounded in natural chemistry

BY MOLLY SMITH

L

ast month, Von the Baptist drummer Brandon Vasquez arrives at Coeur Coffeehouse for his interview several minutes early. A compliment on his Ryan Adams T-shirt sparks a discussion about his widely diverse tastes. A British punk band called Marmozets has recently caught his attention, and just as the conversation is getting deep into the admirability of screaming female vocalists, lead singer Vaughn Wood arrives.

Wood and Vasquez couldn’t have a more natural chemistry together. They answer questions on one anothers’ behalf, speak freely and let their responses build on each other. The two have worked together for the past three years in the Spokane-based rock outfit Dead Serious Lovers and recruited blues musicians Zac Fairbanks and

44 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

Alex Morrison to create Von the Baptist last fall, making their debut as a full band last New Year’s Eve. Full of eerie melodies and story-laced lyrics, narrowing down this group’s sound is a challenge. Hints of blues rock are embedded in their music, though classifying them as such isn’t quite right. Too slow to be considered purebred rock ’n’ roll but more complex and soulful than your average indie rockers, these guys are content with “not really jumping on any trends,” Wood says.

With emotional chord progressions building into an instrumental climax, the members of Von the Baptist carry expressions of focus when they play. The intensity in their sound parallels the intensity of their commitment to communicate life experience through song.

“It’s totally emo,” Vasquez says sarcastically, earning

a self-deprecating chuckle from Wood.

Serious once again, Wood says, “To me, when someone communicates really well through their music, that’s awesome. It doesn’t matter if it’s happy or sad. If it’s well done, people like it. They connect.”

Their first five-track EP, aimed for an early January release, has gone through a few final touches following the recording process in Wood’s home studio over the past couple of months.

“It’s cool being able to have the luxury to [record] in our own houses rather than being stressed about [professional] studio time,” Wood says.

The drawback is that he and Fairbanks are chronic perfectionists and recording at home means there’s no limit to the number of times they can redo their work.

Von the Baptist is set to release a new EP early next month. CHAD RAMSEY PHOTO “That’s why it’s taken a while,” Wood explains.

For the process, Wood recorded the scratch tracks, or the outline of the songs, while Vasquez independently recorded the percussion. Next, they layered the guitar pieces and finished with the recording of Wood’s vocals. Currently, their close friend and producer/Bartlett co-owner Caleb Ingersoll is “dolling it up,” says Vasquez.

The primary songwriting responsibilities belong to Wood, but “[Vasquez] just knows what I’m trying to go for, so he writes his own parts. I never tell him what to play,” Wood says. Fairbanks and Morrison also fill in their own details, working with the structure Wood presents and building on top of it.

Wood’s lyrics are dark, moody and introspective. Suicidal behavior, depression, love, longing, loneliness and metaphorical monsters are among the subjects explored.

“Most songwriters are trying to communicate something or make sense of their own head,” says Wood. “I write to connect to myself.”

While many fear vulnerability when sharing their emotions, especially with large groups of people, Wood thrives on it.

“I like it. It’s my own outlet. When I perform, it’s a total release I can’t get anywhere else. It’s a drug, for sure.” n Late show feat. Von the Baptist with Orphans • Fri, Dec. 26, at 9 pm • Free • All-ages • The Bartlett • 228 W. Sprague • thebartlettspokane.com • 747-2174

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 45

MUSIC | HIP-HOP

Bone Thugs-n-Harmony help Spokane ring in 2015 next week.

KnittingFactory_112014_4S_BD.jpg

Hanging Around

Bone Thugs-n-Harmony were the first to popularize singsong hip-hop; now young rappers are catching on

BY BEN SALMON

T Look for the sticker at The Inlander’s more than 1,000+ locations throughout the Inland Northwest and pick up your weekly edition.

46 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

he men of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony are in their late 30s and early 40s, but when they first got together in the early ’90s — before they famously bought one-way tickets from their hometown of Cleveland to L.A. in hopes of auditioning for gangster rap icon Eazy-E — they were still teenagers.

“We’ve been here for a long time,” says the group’s oldest member, Flesh-n-Bone, over the phone. “I tell my kids, my career is older than you. You need to catch up. We were teenagers ourselves when we made it.”

Indeed, in 1994, when Bone Thugs’ Creepin on ah Come Up EP broke big, Flesh and Krayzie Bone turned 21, Wish Bone and Layzie Bone turned 19 and Bizzy Bone turned 18. Before most of them could legally enter bars, they’d established a career that would see them produce several hit singles (“Thuggish Ruggish Bone,” “1st of tha Month,” “Tha Crossroads”), take home a Grammy award, sell millions of records and pioneer a style of hip-hop that prominently featured melodic, sung raps and hooks.

“This was our claim to fame,” Flesh says.

“We were the first rappers singing and tonguetwisting and harmonizing and doo-wopping all in one.”

The passage of time has a way of providing perspective, and Flesh says he and his cohorts have a “very profound appreciation” for not only what they accomplished at a young age, but also

for the longevity they’ve enjoyed.

“It was great kicking down the door in [the ’90s]. Yes, that’s cool. But today it’s like, we’re gonna be around like the Rolling Stones [are] to rock,” Flesh says. “Lucky for me, Bone Thugs-nHarmony happened to be that one special group, and I feel fortunate because there’s not too many like that still around. For us, it’s just something far beyond anything you can ever imagine, to still be here like that.”

Hanging around is one thing. To hang around and see the influence you’ve had on others is something else entirely. In the past several years, hip-hop has taken a turn toward the melodic, first through Kanye West and Lil Wayne, and more recently in singsong rappers like Drake, Future and Young Thug. The new sound has Flesh beaming like a proud papa.

“There’s a bridge. There’s a link. There’s a connection there,” he says. “When these youngsters are asked about their influences, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony comes up. So with that being a fact, I love ‘em all … Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s sound has been etched in stone. Words can’t describe how special that is.” n New Year’s with Bone Thugs-n-Harmony • Wed, Dec. 31, at 8 pm • $30-$100 • Allages • Knitting Factory • 919 W. Sprague • sp.knittingfactory.com • 244-3279

has just what you need to make music this holiday season.

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DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 47

MUSIC | SOUND ADVICE

METAL BLACK LABEL SOCIETY

Z

akk Wylde is Black Label Society. Other members have swirled in and out during the metal band’s 15-year history, but Wylde is the glue.

He’s been rocking hard since the early 1990s, when he first toured as lead guitarist with Ozzy Osbourne.

Like Wylde’s metal mentor, Black Label Society’s music isn’t battering, screamo metal, but righteous guitar riffs paired with towering power vocals. The band’s 2014 album Catacombs of the Black Vatican, their first to hit No. 1 on the Billboard Rock Charts, shows them at a higher level of maturity. They now hit the perfect balance between semi-sweet ballads with bluesy influences and hard-hitting, headrattling rock ’n’ roll.

— LAURA JOHNSON Black Label Society with Hatebreed and Butcher Babies • Sun, Dec. 28, at 8 pm • $31 • All-ages • Knitting Factory • 919 W. Sprague • sp.knittingfactory.com • 244-3279

J = THE INLANDER RECOMMENDS THIS SHOW J = ALL AGES SHOW

Thursday, 12/25

FUNK THE EARFUL

CHRISTMAS DAY

Friday, 12/26

315 MARTINIS AND TAPAS, Truck Mills J THE BARTLETT, Early show feat.

Windoe, Bob Riggs and Late rock show feat. Von the Baptist (See story on page 44), Orphans BEVERLY’S, Robert Vaughn J THE BIG DIPPER, Dru Heller 30th Birthday Party feat. Kevin Woods, Brent Edstrom, Scott Steed BIGFOOT PUB, Tracer BOLO’S, Tell the Boys THE CELLAR, Fur Traders COEUR D’ALENE CASINO, Donnie Emerson & Nancy Sophia, JamShack CURLEY’S, Dragonfly DALEY’S CHEAP SHOTS, Working Spliffs FEDORA PUB, Carli Osika FIZZIE MULLIGANS, Snap the Nerve IRON GOAT BREWING CO. (4740722), Nick Grow IRON HORSE BAR, Johnny Qlueless J LAGUNA CAFÉ, Just Plain Darin THE MEMBERS LOUNGE (703-7115), DJ Selone and DJ Eaze MIK’S (208-666-0450), DJ Kenya NYNE, DJ C-Mad PEND D’OREILLE WINERY, Justin Lantrip ROADHOUSE COUNTRY ROCK BAR, Ryan Larson Band THE VIKING BAR AND GRILL, Tommy Grant ZOLA, Troubadour

Saturday, 12/27

BEVERLY’S, Robert Vaughn BIGFOOT PUB, Tracer BOLO’S, Tell the Boys THE CELLAR, Fur Traders J CHAPS, Just Plain Darin with Tyler Coulston

48 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

T

he New Year’s Eve Extravaganza at the Hive may not match the craziness of the venue’s Sir Mix-A-Lot-powered Halloween event, but the headlining act will still make your booty shake. The funkified San Diego act the Earful, featuring the flautist from the Mars Volta on tenor saxophone, live to keep people dancing.

Steeped in funk and jazz, the seven-piece is so married to keeping the beat going, they have two percussionists. Their performances come from the gut and will only make you wish you got into funk a little sooner. For those wanting to further enjoy the NYE show, note that VIP booths are still available.

— LAURA JOHNSON New Year’s Eve Extravaganza feat. the Earful with DJ Logic • Wed, Dec. 31, at 9 pm • $40/$45 day of • 21+ • The Hive • 207 N. First Ave., Sandpoint • livefromthehive.com • 843-906-7408

COEUR D’ALENE CASINO, Donnie Emerson & Nancy Sophia, JamShack CURLEY’S, Dragonfly FIZZIE MULLIGANS, Snap the Nerve THE HOP!, Beyond Today, Framework, Children of Atom, Blame Shifter IRON GOAT BREWING CO., Eliza Johnson IRON HORSE BAR, Johnny Qlueless THE LARIAT (466-9918), Six-Strings n’ Pearls MIK’S, DJ Jason Zareski J MOOTSY’S, Phlegm Fatale, Siamese Suicide NYNE, DJ The Divine Jewels ROADHOUSE COUNTRY ROCK BAR, Ryan Larson Band THE VIKING BAR AND GRILL, Carli Osika ZOLA, Troubadour

Sunday, 12/28 THE CELLAR, Pat Coast

COEUR D’ALENE CASINO, Kosh DALEY’S CHEAP SHOTS, Jam Night with VooDoo Church J KNITTING FACTORY, Black Label Society (See story above), Hatebreed, Butcher Babies ZOLA, Son of Brad

(208-292-4813), Kosh FEDORA PUB, Tuesday Night Jam with Truck Mills JONES RADIATOR, Open Mic of Open-ness MIK’S, DJ Brentano ZOLA, The Bucket List

Monday, 12/29

Wednesday, 12/31

J THE BIG DIPPER, Anthony Hall J CALYPSOS (208-665-0591), Open Mic EICHARDT’S, Monday Night Jam with Truck Mills J RICO’S (332-6566), Open Mic UNDERGROUND 15, Open Showcase ZOLA, Nate Ostrander Trio

Tuesday, 12/30

315 MARTINIS AND TAPAS, The Rub BABY BAR, Flamenco Mateo J THE BARTLETT, Open Mic CRAFTED TAP HOUSE + KITCHEN

J THE BARTLETT, New Year’s Eve with Lavoy, Normal Babies and Pine League J THE BIG DIPPER, Tanzer4 Rock Off One Shot feat. Free the Jester, Freak System, Stucco, Tap Wielding Heathens, 3 Park Avenue BOLO’S, Tell the Boys BOOMERS CLASSIC ROCK BAR & GRILL, Johnny Qlueless THE CELLAR, Laffin’ Bones J CHAPS, Land of Voices with Dirk Swartz COEUR D’ALENE CASINO, Kosh, Disco

Inferno THE COEUR D’ALENE RESORT (208209-5031), Donnie Emerson & Nancy Sophia CURLEY’S, Dragonfly EICHARDT’S, Charley Packard THE FALLS CLUB (208-457-1402), Untied FIZZIE MULLIGANS, Snap the Nerve GARLAND AVENUE DRINKERY (3155327), Open Mic with DJ Scratch n Smith GENO’S (368-9087), Open Mic with T&T J THE HIVE EVENT CENTER (843906-7408), NYE Extravaganza feat. the Earful (See story above) with DJ Logic JOHN’S ALLEY, Plane Champagne J JONES RADIATOR, So Pitted, Loomer, 66beat, Phlegm Fatale J KNITTING FACTORY, Bone ThugsN-Harmony (See story on page 46)

LA ROSA CLUB, Robert Beadling and Friends LAGUNA CAFÉ, Pamela Benton THE LANTERN TAP HOUSE, Open Turntables Night with DJ Lydell THE LARIAT, NYE with Texas Twister LITZ’S (327-7092), Down South LUCKY’S IRISH PUB, DJ D3VIN3 MAX AT MIRABEAU, Ticking Time Bomb MIK’S, Bling in the New Year feat. DJ’s Jason Zareski & Kenya Williams NORTHERN QUEST CASINO, DJ Ramsin, DJ Freaky Fred, DJ Patrick, Darin Hilderbrand, The Fabulous Thunderbirds J NYNE, Dressed to the nYnes NYE party feat. DJs C-Mad and the Divine Jewels

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Email getlisted@inlander. com to get your event listed in the paper and online. We need the details one week prior to our publication date.

ONE 14 BAR & GRILL (299-6114), The Bobby Bremer Band New Year’s Eve Party PEND D’OREILLE WINERY, NYE with Ron Criscoine RED ROOM LOUNGE, Bodhi Drip ROADHOUSE COUNTRY ROCK BAR, New Year’s Party feat. Last Chance Band SOULFUL SOUPS AND SPIRITS, Open mic

SPOKANE AIRPORT RAMADA INN (866-691-2384), The Fat Tones THE VIKING BAR AND GRILL, Death

By Pirates ZOLA, Karma’s Circle, the Bossame

Coming Up ...

COEUR D’ALENE CASINO, Doublewide, Jan. 1, 9 pm.

GRANDE RONDE CELLARS, Dru Heller Band, Jan. 2, 7-9 pm.

THE HOP!, Bibster, Hali Vaye, NRG, Mad Money and Tru 1, CB Trippin’, Kemicals, Demon Assassin, Jan. 2 THE HOP!, I Declare War, Serpentspire, Benign, Jan. 3 GRANDE RONDE CELLARS, Kevin Brown and Beloved Country, Jan. 3 THE BIG DIPPER, The Working Spliffs, Bodhi Drip, Jan. 3 THE HOP!, Humut Tabal, VD, Over Sea Under Stone, Jan. 5 THE BIG DIPPER, Fernway, Jan. 7 THE HOP!, Incantation, Funerus, Rutah, Xingaia, In Defiance, Jan. 8 THE BIG DIPPER, One Shot: Singer Songwriter, Jan. 8 MOON TIME, Monarch Mountain Band, Jan. 8 NORTHERN QUEST CASINO, Sammy Kershaw, Aaron Tippin and Darryl Worley, Jan. 9 THE BARTLETT, Mama Doll, Jan. 9 CHATEAU RIVE, An Evening with David Lindley, Jan. 9, 8 pm.

THE BIG DIPPER, Uncommon Evolution, Jan. 10 THE BIG DIPPER, Ben Miller Band, Crow Moses, Jan. 11

KNITTING FACTORY, Randy Rogers Band, Jan. 11 CHATEAU RIVE, Korby Lenker and Marshall McLean, Jan. 15 THE BIG DIPPER, GS3, Jan. 16 HAMILTON STUDIO, Flannel Math Animal CD Release Party, Jan. 16 KNITTING FTCTORY, Invasive, Beyond Today, Thirty Three, Marry the Mistress, Jimmy Nuge, Jan. 16.

THE VIKING BAR AND GRILL, Outcold Concert Series feat. Thirion X, Seven Cycles, Death By Pirates, the Broken Thumbs, Beyond Today, Driven In Waves, THUNDERHOUND, Jan. 17 THE BIG DIPPER, Razing Venus, Jan. 17 KNITTING FACTORY, Hell’s Belles, 3LP, Jan. 17 NORTHERN QUEST CASINO, Rain – A Tribute to the Beatles, Jan. 19 THE BIG DIPPER, The Bight, Jan. 21 CHATEAU RIVE, Nicole Lewis Band, Jan. 23 THE BARTLETT, The Holy Brokealbum release party feat. Planes on Paper, Matt Arthur, Jan. 24 THE BIG DIPPER, Powerman 5000, Jan. 25 THE BARTLETT, Beacon, Jan. 25 THE BARTLETT, Bass Drum of Death, Jan. 27 NORTHERN QUEST CASINO, Aaron Lewis, Jan. 29 SPOKANE ARENA, Eric Church with Halestorm, Jan. 29 KNITTING FACTORY, G. Love & Special Sauce, Matt Costa, Jan. 31

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MUSIC | VENUES 315 MARTINIS & TAPAS • 315 E. Wallace, CdA • 208-667-9660 ARBOR CREST WINE CELLARS • 4705 N. Fruit Hill Rd. • 927-9463 BABY BAR • 827 W. First Ave. • 847-1234 THE BARTLETT • 228 W. Sprague Ave. • 747-2174 BEVERLY’S • 115 S. 2nd St., CdA • 208-765-4000 THE BIG DIPPER • 171 S. Washington St. • 863-8098 BIGFOOT PUB • 9115 N. Division St. • 467-9638 BING CROSBY THEATER • 901 W. Sprague Ave. • 227-7638 BLACK DIAMOND • 9614 E. Sprague • 891-8357 THE BLIND BUCK • 204 N. Division • 290-6229 BOLO’S• 116 S. Best Rd. • 891-8995 BOOMERS • 18219 E. Appleway Ave. • 755-7486 BOOTS BAKERY & LOUNGE • 24 W. Main Ave. • 703-7223 BOWL’Z BITEZ & SPIRITZ• 401 W. Riverside Suite 101. • 321-7480 BUCER’S COFFEEHOUSE PUB • 201 S. Main, Moscow • 208-882-5216 BUCKHORN INN • 13311 Sunset Hwy.• 244-3991 THE CELLAR • 317 E. Sherman, CdA • 208-6649463 CHAPS • 4237 Cheney-Spokane Rd. • 624-4182 CHECKERBOARD BAR • 1716 E. Sprague • 535-4007 COEUR D’ALENE CASINO • 37914 S. Nukwalqw Rd., Worley • 800-523-2464 CURLEY’S • 26433 W. Hwy. 53 • 208-773-5816 DALEY’S CHEAP SHOTS • 6412 E. Trent • 535-9309 EICHARDT’S • 212 Cedar St., Sandpoint • 208263-4005 FEDORA PUB • 1726 W. Kathleen, CdA • 208765-8888 FIZZIE MULLIGANS • 331 W. Hastings Rd. • 466-5354 THE FLAME • 2401 E. Sprague Ave. • 534-9121 FOX THEATER • 1001 W. Sprague • 624-1200 GRANDE RONDE CELLARS • 906 W. 2nd • 455-8161 THE HOP! • 706 N. Monroe St. • 368-4077 IRON HORSE • 407 E. Sherman Ave., CdA • 208-667-7314 IRV’S BAR • 415 W. Sprague Ave. • 624-4450 JOHN’S ALLEY • 114 E. 6th, Moscow • 208-8837662 JONES RADIATOR • 120 E. Sprague • 747-6005 KNITTING FACTORY • 911 W. Sprague Ave. • 244-3279 LAGUNA CAFÉ • 4302 S. Regal St. • 448-0887 THE LANTERN TAP HOUSE • 1004 S. Perry St. • 315-9531 LA ROSA CLUB • 105 S. First Ave., Sandpoint • 208-255-2100 LATAH BISTRO • 4241 Cheney-Spokane Rd. • 838-8338 LEFTBANK WINE BAR • 108 N. Washington • 315-8623 LION’S LAIR • 205 W. Riverside Ave. • 456-5678 LUCKY’S IRISH PUB • 408 W. Sprague Ave. • 747-2605 LUXE COFFEEHOUSE • 1017 W. First Ave. • 624-5514 MAX AT MIRABEAU • 1100 N. Sullivan Rd. • 924-9000 MEZZO PAZZO WINE BAR • 2718 E. 57th • 863-9313 MOOTSY’S • 406 W. Sprague • 838-1570 MOSCOW FOOD CO-OP • 121 E. Fifth St. • 208882-8537 NECTAR• 120 N. Stevens St. • 869-1572 NORTHERN QUEST • 100 N. Hayford • 242-7000 NYNE • 232 W. Sprague Ave. • 474-1621 THE SHOP • 924 S. Perry St. • 534-1647 O’SHAY’S • 313 E. CdA Lake Dr. • 208-667-4666 THE PALOMINO CLUB • 6425 N. Lidgerwood St • 443-5213 PEND D’OREILLE WINERY • 301 Cedar St., Sandpoint • 208-265-8545 THE PHAT HOUSE • 417 S. Browne • 443-4103 PJ’S BAR & GRILL • 1717 N. Monroe St. • 328-2153 RED LION RIVER INN • 700 N. Division St. • 326-5577 RED ROOM LOUNGE • 521 W. Sprague Ave. • 838-7613 REPUBLIC BREWING • 26 Clark Ave. • 775-2700 THE ROADHOUSE • 20 N. Raymond • 413-1894 THE ROCK BAR • 13921 E. Trent Ave. • 43-3796 ROCKER ROOM • 216 E. Coeur d’Alene Ave. • 208-676-2582 ROCKET MARKET • 726 E. 43rd Ave. • 343-2253 SEASONS OF COEUR D’ALENE • 209 E. Lakeside Ave. • 208-664-8008 THE SHOP • 924 S. Perry St. • 534-1647 SOULFUL SOUPS & SPIRITS • 117 N. Howard St. • 459-1190 SPOKANE ARENA • 720 W. Mallon • 279-7000 SPLASH • 115 S. 2nd St., CdA • 208-765-4000 THE SWAMP • 1904 W. Fifth Ave. • 458-2337 UNDERGROUND 15 • 15 S. Howard St. • 290-2122 THE VIKING • 1221 N. Stevens St. • 315-4547 WEBSTER’S RANCH HOUSE SALOON • 1914 N. Monroe St. • 474-9040 ZOLA • 22 W. Main Ave. • 624-2416

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 49

VISUAL ARTS COLORFUL COLLABORATION

As both the month and the year come to a close, many art shows around town are transitioning out, including the Chase Gallery’s three-month show which opened in October as part of Create Arts month. The two-artist show features the mesmerizing fiber art of Louise Kodis, whose work is featured in dozens of public spaces around the city. Her pieces are up alongside the illusion-mimicking layered photography of another local arts community stalwart, Gay Waldman.

— CHEY SCOTT Color in Motion: Louise Kodis & Gay Waldman • Through Dec. 31; gallery open from 8 am-5 pm Dec. 26, 29-30 (also open for First Night) • Chase Gallery at City Hall • 808 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. • spokanearts.org

50 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

COMEDY HOMETOWN LAUGHS

MUSEUM RARE BREED

Return of the Natives • Fri, Dec. 26, at 10 pm • $7 • Blue Door Theatre • 815 W. Garland • bluedoortheatre.com

A T.rex Named Sue • Through Jan. 4; gallery open Tue-Sat, 10 am-5 pm; Sun, 11 am-5 pm (also open for First Night) • Mobius Science Center • 811 W. Main • mobiusspokane.org

A lot of people come home to Spokane for the holidays. Some of those people just happen to be really, really funny. That’s the case with “Return of the Natives,” a night of stand-up comedy and improvisational comedy featuring locals who’ve since left town, like the show’s host F. Tyler Burnet (pictured), a veteran of the Spokane comedy circuit who now has a role in a touring production of Sister Act. If you need something to cheer you up from those day-afterChristmas blues, this is probably your best bet.

— MIKE BOOKEY

There are a scant few days left to visit Sue at the Mobius Science Center, as the Chicago Field Museum-replicated cast of the most complete Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil ever discovered is scheduled to depart Jan. 4. The subject of a remarkable documentary, Dinosaur 13, airing sporadically this month on CNN, Sue is a 67-millionyear-old fossil found in South Dakota that is 42 feet long, and tall enough to barely fit into the Mobius main display room.

— DAN NAILEN

SPORTS ZAG WOMEN

It might feel like you’re still getting acquainted with this year’s squad of Gonzaga women’s basketball players, but believe it or not, it’s already time for conference games. Kicking off the West Coast Conference slate, the conference favorite Zags face a tough BYU squad picked to finish second in the WCC preseason coaches poll. The students are on vacation, so first-year coach Lisa Fortier’s scrappy team will look to Spokane to come out and get loud for this big contest.

— MIKE BOOKEY Gonzaga women’s basketball vs. BYU • Sat, Dec. 27, at 2 pm • $5-$10 • McCarthey Athletic Center • 801 N. Cincinnati • gozags.com

COMMUNITY BE GREEN

After the holidays, we often see it. Driving along a lesser-traveled route — even within city limits — some lazy jerk just had to dump their dried-out Christmas tree in a ditch. With all the options to dispose of that Douglas fir or Blue spruce (the city offers curbside pickup during certain dates) there’s no excuse for this shameful behavior. Especially when you can call a friendly local Boy Scout to pick up said tree for a small donation toward Troop 400’s leadership and learning programs. Or drop it off yourself during the scouts’ annual recycle drive.

— CHEY SCOTT Christmas tree recycling • Dec. 27-28 and Jan. 3-4, drop off from 9 am-3 pm • $5/drop-off; $10/ pickup • University and Central Valley High Schools • Spokane Valley • troop400.net/trees

EVENTS | CALENDAR

BENEFIT

FRIENDS OF SCOTCHMAN PEAKS GALA The local environmental nonprofit celebrates 10 years, looking back at the past decade and toward the future of its advocacy, stewardship and education. Event includes food, live and silent auction items and more. Jan. 9, 5:30-9 pm. $40. Tango Cafe, 414 Church St. scotchmanpeaks.org (208290-1281)

COMEDY

OPEN MIC COMEDY Wednesdays at 8 pm. Ages 21+. Free. Brooklyn Deli & Lounge, 122 S. Monroe. (835-4177) STAND-UP COMEDY OPEN MIC Local comedians; see weekly schedule

online. Thursdays at 8 pm. Free. Uncle D’s, 2721 N. Market St. (483-7300) PHILLIP KOPSENSKI & TYLER BURNET Live comedy show. Dec. 26-27 at 8 pm; doors open at 6:30 pm. Ages 21+. $12. Uncle D’s Comedy Underground, 2721 N. Market St. bluznews.com (483-7300) RETURN OF THE NATIVES A night of stand-up and improv comedy featuring former Spokane locals who are home for the holidays, including F. Tyler Burnet. Dec. 26, 10 pm. $7. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. bluedoortheatre.com (747-7045) SEASONS GREETINGS Live comedy improv show using holiday cards and messages for inspiration. Dec. 26, at 8 pm. $7. Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. (747-7045)

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 51

EVENTS | CALENDAR SAFARI Fast-paced short-form improv games based on audience suggestions.

(Not rated.) Saturdays at 9 pm. $7.

Blue Door Theatre, 815 W. Garland Ave. bluedoortheatre.com (747-7045) LIVE COMEDY Live stand-up comedy shows. Sundays at 9 pm. Goodtymes, 9214 E. Mission Ave. (928-1070) 2015 COMEDY JAM Live show featuring local comedians Steven Johnson, Jared Munson, Phillip Kopczynski and Steven Tye. Jan. 14, 8 pm. $8/$10. The Big Dipper, 171 S. Washington. bigdipperevents.com HOMEGROWN COMEDY Friends of the Bing present a local comedy open mic series, at the Ovations Lounge above the lobby. Best comedians from the series are to be featured in a March 6 “March Madness Comedy Showcase.” Jan. 17 and 24 and Feb. 21, at 10:30 pm. Free. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. bingcrosbytheater.com (227-7404)

COMMUNITY

CAMPBELL HOUSE HOLIDAYS The historic Campbell House comes alive for the holiday season with living history demonstrations, festive decorations and music box tunes. Through Jan. 4; WedSun, from 12-4 pm. Regular museum admission pricing applies. Northwest Museum of Arts & Culture, 2316 W. First Ave. northwestmuseum.org (456-3931) JOURNEY TO THE NORTH POLE Holiday cruise departs nightly from the Resort Plaza Shops, offering views of the holiday light display over the water. Daily through Jan. 4, at 5:30, 6:30 and 7:30 pm. $19.75/ adults; $18.75/students, seniors; $5/ages 6-12. Coeur d’Alene Resort, 115 S. Second.

cdacruises.com (855-956-1977) SECOND HARVEST FOOD SORTING Join other volunteers to sort and pack produce and other bulk food items for delivery to local emergency food outlets.

Ages 14+. Shift dates and times vary, sign up at inland.volunteerhub.com/events.

Second Harvest Food Bank, 1234 E. Front Ave. 2-harvest.org (252-6267) WINTER GLOW SPECTACULAR A new holiday event at Riverfront Park featuring light displays through the park, including an animal lights zoo. The display is lit daily at 5 pm, through Jan. 1.

Free. Riverfront Park, 705 N. Howard St. spokanewinterglow.com A T. REX NAMED SUE Mobius hosts the Chicago Field Museum’s exhibit centered on the most complete Tyrannosaurus rex fossil ever discovered. A replicated cast of the 67-million-year-old, 42-foot long fossil is the centerpiece of the exhibit, which also includes mechanical models, videos and other interactive exhibits.

Exhibit runs through Jan. 4, 2015.

Museum open Tues-Sun; hours vary. $7$10. Mobius Science Center, 811 W. Main. mobiusspokane.org (321-7133) NATIVE COMMUNITY WELLNESS PROGRAM The program offers various activities to promote healthy lifestyles to local families, including “Healthy Me” for the kids and exercise training for adults.

Program held nightly, except Wed, from 6-8 pm; through June 30, 2015. Free.

Community School, 1300 W. Knox Ave. nativeproject.org (483-7535) FOURTH FRIDAY PUB PEDDLERS Group cycling ride, making a few stops along the way to a final destination. Meets at 7 pm, departs at 8 pm. Free. Swamp

Tavern, 1904 W. Fifth Ave. (251-2107) MANNY TREMBLEY BOOK SIGNING The Eisner Award-winning, Spokane-based graphic artist signs copies of his newest book, “Under Where?” and creates sketches for fans. Dec. 26, 5-7 pm. Free.

Merlyn’s, 19 W. Main Ave. tinyurl.com/ nb3nzss (624-0957) CHRISTMAS TREE RECYCLING Drop off your tree at U High or CV High. All funds raised benefit local Boy Scout Troop 400.

Scouts can also come pick up trees; see website for more information. Dec. 27-28 and Jan. 3-4, from 9 am-3 pm. $5-$10.

University High School, 12320 E. 32nd Ave. troop400.net/trees (926-6981) SCHOOL’S OUT DAY CAMP Holiday break day camps include quality programming with activities like swimming, rock climbing, cooking, crafts, games, and more. Lunch/snacks provided. Ages 6-13. Offered Dec. 29-30, from 9 am-4 pm. $28-$35. Kroc Center, 1765 W. Golf Course Rd. kroccda.org (208-667-1865) WINTER BREAK COOL CAMPS A winter break activity day camp, hosted by Spokane Valley Parks & Rec, and open to ages 6-11. Dec. 29-Jan. 2. $32/day; $65/ two days; $104/week. Spokane Valley, Spokane Valley. spokanevalley.org/ recreation (688-0300) GLAD CITY NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY An all-ages dance party for families and kids.

Includes dance competions, prizes, live performances, and other activities for all ages. Dec. 31, 7 pm-1 am. $5/person; $20/family. Millwood Community Center, 3223 N. Marguerite Rd. facebook.com/ kingdomculturespokane (348-0132) NEW YEAR’S EVE CRUISES Several cruises are offered through the night,

boarding at 7 pm, 9 pm and 10 pm. See website for more details. Boarding on the east side of the Resort. Dec. 31, 7 pm-12:15 am. $20-$35. The Coeur d’Alene Resort, 115 S. Second. cdacruises.com (855-956-1977) EAGLE SCOUT BANQUET Eagle Scouts past and present are invited to attend the Inland Northwest Council’s annual banquet, recognizing achievements and work performed by Scouts in the class of 2014. Keynote speaker is Rob McKenna, former Attorney General of Washington.

Jan. 3, 6-8 pm. Lincoln Center, 1316 N. Lincoln St. nwscouts.org/eaglebanquet (325-4562) EASTERN WASH. GENEALOGICAL SOCIETY The group’s monthly luncheon is open to the public, and features a presentation by Kim Morgan from the Kootenai County Genealogical Society.

Jan. 3. Free to attend (not including meal). Timber Creek Grill Buffet, 9211 E. Montgomery Ave. (509-892-6390) SULLIVAN ROAD PROJECT MEETING Learn and ask questions about the City of Spokane Valley’s project to resurface Sullivan Road between Sprague and Mission in summer/fall of 2015. Jan. 8, 5:30-7:30 pm. Free. Valley Assembly of God, 15618 E. Broadway Ave. (720-5411) ANTI-HUMAN TRAFFICKING VIGIL Lutheran Community Services Northwest hosts its annual vigil to bring awareness to this continued human rights violation.

Jan. 11, 3-4 pm. Free. River Park Square, 808 W. Main Ave. tinyurl.com/ohu4zvu (343-5091) LUNCHTIME BOOK GROUP Bring your lunch and join us for an informal book discussion. January’s selection

is “Ordinary Grace” by William Kent Krueger. In Meeting Room 1B. Jan. 14, noon. Free. Downtown Library, 906 W. Main Ave. (444-5336)

FESTIVAL

FIRST NIGHT SPOKANE Annual New Year’s Eve winter festival of arts and entertainment in downtown Spokane.

Dec. 31, 3 pm-midnight. $15-$18. Downtown Spokane, firstnightspokane.org (509-981-0971)

FILM

BIG HERO SIX Disney’s comedyadventure about the special bond that develops between Baymax, a plus-sized inflatable robot, and young prodigy Hiro Hamada. Dec. 26-28, times vary. $3-$6. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St. kenworthy.org (208-882-4127) MEET THE MORMONS Filmmaker Blair Treu examines the Mormon faith through the experiences of six devout individuals from around the world. Dec. 26-27, times vary. $5-$7. Panida Theater, 300 N. First Ave. panida.org (208-255-7801) SING ALONG MOVIE: FROZEN The library’s last “Frozen” sing-a-long was so popular its being reprised to send off 2014. Dec. 30, 2 pm. Free. South Hill Library, 3324 S. Perry St. spokanelibrary. org (509-444-5385) TOTALLY TUBULAR TUESDAYS The Garland’s classic old-school movie series returns, every Tuesday at 7 pm. See website for schedule of upcoming featured films. $2.50. Garland Theater, 924 W. Garland Ave. garlandtheater.com (509-327-1050)

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52 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

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BIRDMAN Screening of the drama starring Michael Keaton. Jan. 2-3, times vary. $5-$7. Panida Theater, 300 N. First Ave. panida.org (208-255-7801) FOOD CHAINS A documentary about where our food comes from, and who grows/makes it. Jan. 6, 6:30-8 pm. $12.

AMC River Park Square 20, 808 W. Main. tugg.com/events/12297 (443-413-5212) SPR GOES TO THE MOVIES WITH THE COEN BROTHERS The Movies 101 crew hosts a screening and discussion of Coen Brothers films, including “Raising Arizona” and “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” Jan. 11, 1 pm. $12. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. bingcrosbytheater.com (227-7404) GLEN CAMPBELL: I’LL BE ME Riverview Retirement Community hosts a premiere of the award-winning film, telling the story of the country legend’s battle with Alzheimer’s disease. Jan. 17 at 7 pm, Jan. 18 at 3 pm. $12.50. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. bit.ly/1GeMsTt

scoring reds from Wine Spectator. ($10/ wine club members with passes.) Dec. 26, 7 pm. $30, registration requested.

Rocket Market, 726 E. 43rd Ave. rocketmarket.com (343-2253) NO-LI BREWHOUSE TOURS See what goes on behind the scenes and how NoLi’s beer is made. Fridays at 4:30 pm.

Free. No-Li Brewhouse, 1003 E. Trent Ave. nolibrewhouse.com (242-2739) NO-LI’S FRIDAY FUNDAY TAPPINGS Each Friday No-Li taps a specialty beer, including seasonals, one-offs, experimental batches, firkins/cask-conditioned beers, and more. Visit the No-Li Facebook page to see what we’ll be tapping each week. 5 pm. Free to attend. No-Li Brewhouse, 1003 E. Trent. facebook.com/ nolibrewhouse (242-2739) VINO WINE TASTING Sample wines from Smasne Cellars. Tastings include cheese and crackers. Dec. 26, 2-4:30 pm. $10. Vino! A Wine Shop, 222 S. Washington St. vinowine.com (8381229)

FOOD & DRINK MUSIC NO-LI BREWHOUSE GUEST TAP THURSDAYS No-Li features a guest tap every Thursday (except Dec. 25) to support other Idaho and Washington craft breweries, and usually a rep from the week’s guest brewery is on site to chat about their beer and enjoy a pint with you. Visit No-Li’s Facebook page each week to see who we’ll have on tap.

Thurs., 5 pm. Free. No-Li Brewhouse, 1003 E. Trent. facebook.com/nolibrewhouse (242-2739) 90-PLUS POINT REDS A year-end celebration of great wine, featuring top-

1914 CHRISTMAS TRUCE CARILLON CONCERT This year, the cathedral’s Christmas Eve Carillon joins a worldwide celebration recognizing the Christmas Eve Truce of 1914, on the Western Front of WWI. The song “Silent Night” will be played, starting at the Peace Carillon in Messine, Belgium, followed by 78 carillons across the world. All are invited to attend. Dec. 24. Free. St. John’s Cathedral, 127 E. 12th Ave. (838-4277) PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ The annual gala benefits the Spokane Symphony, and

features elaborate decor, big band music by the Master Class Jazz Orchestra, live entertainment, free dance lessons and a midnight champagne toast with celebratory gift bags, hors d’oeuvres and door prizes. A no-host bar is available. Black tie preferred. Dec. 31, 9:30 pm. $85/person. Davenport Hotel, 10 S. Post St. spokanesymphony.org (6241200) SPOKANE SYMPHONY NEW YEAR’S EVE SPECIAL The Symphony Orchestra and Chorale kick off New Year’s Eve with their annual performance of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, a German tradition introduced to Spokane by musical director Eckart Preu. Dec. 31, 7:30-9 pm. $23-$28/adults, $16/youth.

Martin Woldson Theater at The Fox, 1001 W. Sprague. spokanesymphony. org (624-1200) CLOVER’S JAZZ BRUNCH Clover hosts jazz brunch on the first Sunday of the month (through May 2015) featuring a rotation of classic, local jazz duos. Clover, 913 E. Sharp Ave. spokanejazzscene. com (487-2937) GIRLS ROCK LAB A workshop by INK Artspace to teach girls (ages 8-18) various skills including guitar, drums, singing/song writing in a collaborative, supportive environment. No experience required. Four-week series; class sessions on Jan. 6, 13, 20, and 27, at 4 pm.

(Plan on attending all four) Free; registration required. Hillyard Library, 4005 N. Cook St. (444-5380) NORTHWEST SACRED MUSIC CHORALE AUDITIONS Those interested should prepare a song (anything from an aria to “Happy Birthday”) and bring the music. Audition are ~10 min. and

cover range, sight reading and general vocal ability. Reservations requested.

Jan. 6, 6:30-9:30 pm. Free. Community Presbyterian Church, 417 N. William St. nwsmc.org (208-446-2333) HANDEL’S “MESSIAH” Program includes selections sung by a choir of local church singers and soloists Heather Parker, Ann Benson, Jadd Davis and Steve Mortier. Also featured are Alice Hostetter, organ and Paul Brueggemeier, conducting. Jan. 10. Free. Central Lutheran Church, 512 S. Bernard St. (624-9233) SPOKANE SYMPHONY WITH A SPLASH NO. 2 Pre-concert happy hour from 5-6:45 pm with a live local band, followed by a concert by the Symphony Orchestra at 7 pm. Jan. 16, 5-8 pm. $25 (tickets on sale mid-Aug.). Martin Woldson Theater at The Fox, 1001 W. Sprague. spokanesymphony.org (6241200)

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RELATIONSHIPS

Advice Goddess YOU DELETE ME

I’m trying to get over my ex, but I’m constantly checking his Twitter and Facebook pages, and I get really upset. I’ll see pix of women or see that he’s gone to some event and wonder whether he met anyone there. It’s crazy-making, but I can’t seem to stop looking.

—Unhinged You know you’ll feel bad when you check his Facebook and Twitter, yet you keep doing it. This is the social media verAMY ALKON sion of being the busty friend character in the horror movie -- the one who says, “I hear creepy reptilian hissing coming from the cellar. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’ll just rub my large breasts with raw hamburger and go down there with this flickering flashlight to check.”

Unless intelligence tests have revealed you to have an IQ rivaling that of Jell-O, you’re repeating this misery-making behavior because you, like the rest of us, are prone to fall into automatic strings of behavior we call habits. In “The Power of Habit,” Charles Duhigg explains that “a habit is a choice we deliberately make at some point, and then stop thinking about, but continue doing.” Research finds that every habit has three components, which Duhigg calls the CUE (a feeling that triggers behavior), the ROUTINE (the behavior itself), and the REWARD (some sort of payoff that tells your brain, “Oh, yeah, let’s totally do that again”).

You’re probably picturing yourself at 80, with an elderly monkey on your back, still frantically checking Facebook for signs your ex-boyfriend’s shifted position in the last 30 seconds. But Duhigg emphasizes that you can break a habit. You do this by swapping out the middle step, the routine (compulsively clicking into your ex’s social media accounts). To understand what to replace it with, check in with yourself at the moment the urge strikes and figure out the “why” -- what reward you’re going after, what need you’re trying to fill. Maybe you’re lonely and longing to feel connected. Or maybe you’re going for a hit of intensity. Intense feelings are called “arousal” in psychology and can be positive or negative. Either leads to feeling stimulated and alive (though sometimes alive and pretty miserable).

Next, you need a plan -- a substitute routine to slip in whenever the impulse to cyber-stalk him strikes. This replacement routine is especially important because a “negative goal” -- not doing something -- is way harder than doing something different. So, if it’s connection you’re longing for, call a friend or go impede a co-worker’s productivity. If you’re an intensity junkie, watch a clip from a slasher movie or maybe rappel to your car instead of taking the elevator.

Be prepared for temptation to gnaw at you, especially if you’re tired or hungry (when willpower is at its wimpiest). Make it harder for yourself to cheat by mailing your phone to a faraway friend and burying your modem in the backyard -- or at least blocking the guy on social media and maybe installing a program on your computer like Freedom (macfreedom.com), which prevents you from getting on the Internet.

When the going gets tough, remind yourself that time heals most wounds, and it should do the job on yours -- as soon as you stop picking that 140-character scab every 10 minutes. #sir-veillance #iminthebushes

LEAVE OF ABSINTHE

I drank too much mystery punch at an office party last week and confessed my unrequited crush to a co-worker. He thanked me and said he was “flattered.” I was mortified and now feel really uncomfortable at the office. How can I fix this?

—Embarrassed My boyfriend, whose favorite self-help book is The Godfather, had this helpful suggestion: “Hire a hit man and have the guy clipped.” Unfortunately, this advice violates my rule of not solving people’s problems by giving them bigger problems, like a firstdegree murder charge. Instead, inject a little perspective. Okay, you spewed at the party, but now, back at the office, your thoughts aren’t running across your forehead, CNN news-ticker-style: “I’m in love with you. You’re so hot. I love your tie. Marry me.”

To make yesterday’s drunken blurtation today’s “I said no such thing,” align how you act with the message you want to send. This starts with realigning your head. Reframe what happened. Tell yourself that it was gutsy to put yourself out there. Next, tell yourself that you accept that he’s not interested. Repeat until these notions sink in. If you use these thoughts to avoid acting uncomfortable around him -- no look of sweaty shame, no tight smile at the copier -- he’ll have no reason to be uncomfortable around you. It’s like giving yourself a reset -- that is, until you drink too much at lunch and he finds your Post-it on his computer: “I still wanna have your babies. Don’t forget!” n ©2014, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)

54 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

EVENTS | CALENDAR SPOKANE TABLE TENNIS Ping-pong club meets Mon and Wed, from 6-9 pm. $3/visit. HUB Sports Center, 19619 E. Cataldo Ave. spokanetabletennis.com SPOKANE TABLE TENNIS CLUB Pingpong club meets Wed from 6:30-9 pm and Sun from 1:30-4:30 pm. $2/visit.

Southside Senior & Community Center, 3151 E. 27th Ave. sites.google.com/site/ spokanetabletennisclub/home GONZAGA WOMEN VS. BYU First West Coast Conference game of the season.

Dec. 27, 2 pm. $5-$10. McCarthey Athletic Center, 801 N Cincinnati. (509-3136000) SPOKANE CHIEFS Hockey match vs. the Tri City Americans. Dec. 27, 7 pm. $10-$23. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanearena.com (279-7000) SPOKANE BRAVES HOCKEY Hockey matches; kids are free with each paid adult. $5/adults; $4/seniors and students with ID. Includes a beer garden, chuck-a-puck and music. Games on Jan. 2, 9, 11, 16, 24-25 and Feb. 1 and 6. Eagles Ice-A-Rena, 6321 N. Addison. spokanebraves.com (489-9295) SPOKANE SIZZLER 2015 The 25th annual co-ed volleyball tournament hosts 64 teams, in the newly renovated Spokane Convention Center. Jan. 3, from 8:30 am-4:30 pm and Jan. 4 from 9 am-5 pm. $375/team. Convention Center, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. spokanesizzler.com (279-7000) CROSS COUNTRY SKI LESSON Learn to cross country ski and tour the trails of 49 Degrees North’s Nordic Area. Instruction includes basics of equipment, techniques on how to glide on your skis, how to travel uphill and of how to stop going downhill. Transportation and equipment provided; bring a lunch.

Ages 13+. Jan. 4, 8 am-3 pm. $49. 49 Degrees North, 3311 Flowery Trail Rd. ski49n.com (935-6649) FROST FEST Volleyball scrimmage with other local teams in a round-robin format event. Teams guaranteed four matches each. Jan. 4, 8:30 am-4:30 pm. $100/team. HUB Sports Center, 19619 E. Cataldo. hubsportscenter.org (927-0602) SNOWSHOEING BASICS REI staff host a class on the basics of snowshoeing, focusing on the appropriate selection of gear, and where to go to get started.

Jan. 6, 7-8:30 pm. Free. REI, 1125 N. Monroe St. rei.com/spokane SKI & SNOWBOARD WAXING BASICS A hands-on maintenance class on how to prep skis and boards throughout the winter season. Use REI’s waxing benches, irons, wax and brushes as shop technicians share best practices in waxing. Jan. 7, 6:30-8:30 pm. $35-$55.

REI, 1125 N. Monroe. rei.com/spokane SPOKANE CHIEFS Hockey match vs. the Portland Winterhawks. Jan. 7, 7:05 pm. $10-$23. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanechiefs.com SKIJORING BASICS Ski-jor-ing is a winter sport in which a person wearing skis is drawn over snow by one or more dogs. Learn about the sport, equipment, local opportunities and what it takes to get started. Jan. 8, 7-8:30 pm.

Free. REI, 1125 N. Monroe. rei.com/spokane (328-9900) SPOKANE CHIEFS Hockey match vs. the Portland Winterhawks. Jan. 9, 7:05 pm. $10-$23. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanearena.com SPOKANE CHIEFS Hockey match vs. the Kamloops Blazers. Jan. 10, 7:05 pm.

$10-$23. Spokane Arena, 720 W. Mallon Ave. spokanearena.com (279-7000) SPOKANE NORDIC WINTERFEST Join the Spokane Nordic Ski Association for a celebration of skiing, snow and (hopefully) sunshine for all ages and ski abilities. Sno-park and Discover Pass pass required, day passes available.

Jan. 11, 9 am-4 pm. Free; or $5/clinics.

Mt. Spokane Ski & Snowboard Park, 29500 N. Mt. Spokane Park Dr. spokanenordic.org/winterfest (238-2220) SNOWSHOEING A presentation about types of snowshoes and what clothing to wear, also including photos of ideal snowshoeing locations in the Spokane area. Jan. 13, 6:30 pm. Free. South Hill Library, 3324 S. Perry St. spokanelibrary.org (444-5385) MAP & COMPASS NAVIGATION BASICS CLASS Learn basic navigation skills using a map and compass to find your way. Jan. 14, 6-8:30 pm. $30-$50.

REI, 1125 N. Monroe St. rei.com/spokane

THEATER

ALL IS CALM: CHRISTMAS EVE ENCORE Friends of the Bing hosts a special encore performance of the Modern Theater’s production, on the 100th anniversary of the 1914 Christmas Truce during WWI. Dec. 24, 6:30-8 pm. $15-$20. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. bingcrosbytheater.com (534-5805) CHURCH BASEMENT LADIES: A SECOND HELPING The Northwest premiere of an all new musical comedy featuring the endearing characters from the original production. Through Jan. 4, Fri-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. $19-$25. The Modern Theater Spokane, 174 S. Howard. themoderntheater.org/specialevents (455-7529) THE MODERN THEATER PRESENTS: “RENT” The Modern Theater and Friends of the Bing present a series of performances of the first four Tony Award-winning musicals. Dec. 26-27 at 8 pm. $25. Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague. bingcrosbytheater.com PLAY IN A DAY CYT North Idaho hosts its 6th annual event, open to kids ages 8-18, to cast, produce and perform a musical (this year’s is “Jack and the Beanstalk”) in a little over 24 hours.

Casting Dec. 29 at 4 pm, performance Dec. 30 at 7:30 pm. $11-$15/tickets.

Kroc Center, 1765 W. Golf Course Rd. chillbucketproductions.com THE LAST FIVE YEARS The points of view of a relationship between a writer and an actress played out in this contemporary song-cycle musical. Jan. 9-25, Thur-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. $17-$25. The Modern Theater Coeur d’Alene, 1320 E. Garden Ave. themoderntheater.org (208-667-1323) CALL MR. ROBESON: A LIFE WITH SONGS A play chronicling actor, singer and civil rights activist Paul Robeson’s life, highlighting how his radical activism caused him to be disowned and disremembered, even by the leaders and descendants of the civil rights movement. Jan. 16, 7 pm. $40-$50.

Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague Ave. bingcrosbytheater.com THE SERVANT OF TWO MASTERS Comedy farce, directed by Patrick Treadway. Jan. 16-Feb. 8; Thur-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. $18-$25. Spokane Civic Theatre, 1020 N. Howard St. spokanecivictheatre.com (325-2507)

VISUAL ARTS

100 STORIES: A CENTENNIAL EXHIBITION This exhibit celebrates the upcoming 100th anniversary of the Eastern Washington State Historical Society, and features artifacts from the MAC’s many collections, some before displayed. Art and traditional craft demonstrations, living history programs, film, lectures and symposia are among events planned throughout this 2-year exhibit. Through Jan. 31, 2016. $3-$10. The MAC, 2316 W. First Ave. tinyurl.com/ksphnut (456-3931) 16TH ANNUAL SMALL ARTWORKS INVITATIONAL The annual invitation showcases work by 31 local artists created especially for the show that are smaller than 12-inches in dimension.

Through Jan. 3. Gallery hours TuesSat from 11 am-6 pm. Free admission.

Art Spirit Gallery, 415 Sherman Ave. theartspiritgallery.com AMEN, AMEN: RELIGION & SOUTHERN SELF-TAUGHT ARTISTS A survey of selected objects from the private Mullis collection in Atlanta, Georgia, with a focus on images with religious or spiritual subject matter, created by self-taught artists from the American South. Through Jan. 10; see holiday hours online. Free. Jundt Art Museum, 200 E. Desmet Ave. gonzaga.edu/jundt CAA FACULTY EXHIBIT An exhibit of work by the University of Idaho’s College of Art and Architecture Faculty.

Through Jan. 24. Free admission. Prichard Art Gallery, 414 S. Main St, Moscow.

(208-885-3586) COLOR IN MOTION: LOUISE KODIS & GAY WALDMAN A collaborative exhibition between Louise Kodis and Gay Waldman, two accomplished local artists who are friends and collaborators.

Exhibition features collaborative and individual art in photography, fiber and banners that play with color, motion and images from nature. Through Dec. 31, gallery open Mon-Fri (except Dec. 25 and Jan. 1) from 8 am-5 pm. Free.

Chase Gallery, 808 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. spokanearts.org (509-321-9614) IDAHO WATERCOLOR SOCIETY The annual juried competition features work by members from across the state.

Through Jan. 30; reception Jan. 8 from 5-7 pm. Gallery open Mon-Fri, 8 am-5 pm. Free admission. Third Street Gallery, City Hall, 206 E. Third St., Moscow. ci.moscow.id.us/art (208-883-7036) LOUISE KODIS: SELVAGE, SALVAGE & SECRETS A fabric and mixed media exhibit by the longtime Spokane resident artist, known for her colorful vibrant pieces, many of which are displayed in public places, including the Spokane International Airport and Convention Center. Show runs through Jan. 30; reception during First Night Spokane, Dec. 31 from 5-8 pm. Free admission.

Kolva-Sullivan Gallery, 115 S. Adams St. kolva-sullivangallery.com (458-5517) SPOKANE JEWELERS GUILD December’s featured show highlights work by members of the Spokane Jeweler’s Guild. Show runs through Dec. 31. Pottery Place Plus, 203 N. Washington St. potteryplaceplus.com (327-6920) THE ARTIST’S PALETTE: THROUGH THE LENS OF DEAN DAVIS A exhibit showcasing the work of local artist Dean Davis, including photographs and paintings. “The Artist’s Palette” becomes Story No. 66 in the MAC’s 100 Stories exhibit. Runs through June 2015. $5-$10/admission. Northwest

Museum of Arts & Culture, 2316 W. First Ave. northwestmuseum.org (456-3931) TRANSPARENT SILENCE Artist Grace Barnes works mostly in oils, juxtaposing some of her images against the poetry of Rilke, taking on the theme of knowing others to know ourselves.

Show runs through Jan. 16; open MonFri from 9 am-4:30 pm. Free. Clearstory Gallery, 1202 N. Government Way. clearstorygallery.com UNIQUE GIFTS SHOW The JACC’s annual holiday show, featuring gift-giving items and more. Gallery open Mon-Fri from 10 am-5 pm. Show runs through Jan. 2. Free. Jacklin Arts & Cultural Center, 405 N. William St, Post Falls. thejacklincenter.org (208-457-8950) CUP OF JOY CERAMICS INVITATIONAL An invitational exhibit of over 30 local, regional and national ceramic artists exhibiting cup, mug, tankard, goblet, sake, or yunomi pieces. Through Jan. 30. Free. Trackside Studio, 115 S. Adams St. tracksidestudio.net (863-9904) SMALL WORKS ART SHOW SAP’s endof-the-year show features various art forms and media by member, former member and guest artists. Through Dec. 27, open Thur-Sat. Free. Saranac Art Projects, 25 W. Main Ave. saranacartprojects.wordpress.com MIDWEEK MONET PAINT PARTIES Local artist Chelsea Cordova provides a step-by-step introduction to acrylic painting, with themes ranging from landscapes to still life to abstracts. Glass of wine included in admission; all supplies provided. Upcoming classes: Jan. 7 and Jan. 21, from 5:30-8:30 pm. $40/ class. Jacklin Arts & Cultural Center, 405 N. William St. thejacklincenter.org (208-457-8950) WINTER POTTERY CLASSES The potters guild offers wheel-throwing and hand-building classes for all skill levels.

Classes begin the week of Jan. 12, and are held once a week, for eight weeks.

Class fee includes a bag of clay, glaze and firing costs. Ages 18+. See full details online. $125. Spokane Potters’ Guild, 1404 N. Fiske. (532-8225)

WORDS

BLURT & BLATHER An all-ages open mic series, on the second and fourth Thursday of the month. Open to poetry, stories and other spoken word performances. Free. Boots Bakery & Lounge, 24 W. Main Ave. facebook.com/blurtnblather (703-7223) SPOKANE NOVELIST GROUP The Spokane Novelist Group meets the second and fourth Saturday of the month from 12-4 pm. Bring seven or eight copies, 10 pages each, of your manuscript to be reviewed and critique. No memoirs, poetry, children books or non-fiction, please. Dec. 27. Otis Orchards Community Church, 23304 E. Wellesley.

(590-7316) 3 MINUTE MIC Auntie’s monthly poetry open mic, hosted by Chris Cook. January’s featured reader for the “Remember the Word” showcase is Spokane writer Sheri Boggs. Open mic readers have up to 3 minutes to share their poetry, or someone else’s. Open to all ages; content not censored. Jan. 2, 7-8:45 pm. Free. Auntie’s Bookstore, 402 W. Main Ave. auntiesbooks.com (838-0206) FLASH FICTION WORKSHOP Local author Sharma Shields coaches participants on how to begin, maintain and resolve your own micro stories, whether they be six words in length or one paragraph. Jan. 17, 3 pm. Free.

Shadle Library, 2111 W. Wellesley St. (444-5390)

ETC.

ST. JOHN’S CATHEDRAL TOURS Guided tours of the cut-stone, English Gothic Revival cathedral designed by Spokanite Harold C. Whitehouse. It features a unique collection of Medievalstyle French stained glass by Charles J. Connick and William Willet & Sons, a 4,100+ pipe organ, and a 49-bell carillon. Tours offered Wed, Fri and Sat from 11 am-2 pm. Free. St. John’s Cathedral, 127 E. 12th Ave. stjohns-cathedral.org (838-4277) TANGO NIGHT Argentine Tango dancing every Thursday from 7-10 pm.

Beginner’s lesson offered from 7-7:45 pm, dance and practice from 7:45-10 pm. $5. German American Hall, 25 W. Third Ave. tinyurl.com/SpokaneTango (499-1756) TANGO & SALSA DANCING Dance classes. Friday and Saturdays at 7 pm.

7 pm. $5. Satori, 122 S. Monroe. (360550-5106) ARGENTINE TANGO LESSONS Lessons for beginning to advanced dancers.

Sundays at 1 pm. Home studio at 1907 E. Marshall Ave. (formerly held at the Spokane Women’s Club). $5. Spokane, n/a. (534-4617) ARGENTINE TANGO LESSONS No experience or partner necessary. Lessons on Mondays from 6:30-7 pm, practice from 7-9 pm. $10, or $5 for practice only. Spokane Tango, 2117 E. 37th Ave. spokanetango.com (688-4587) LITTLEBITS & YOU: DIY ELECTRONICS LittleBits puts the power of electronics in the hands of everyone. Make your own electronic creations without soldering and wiring. Class limited to 10 students. Register online. Dec. 30, 10 am-3:30 pm. $30. Gizmo-cda, 806 N. Fourth St. tinyurl.com/pdnp7mj (208651-6200) JOYA-E “BELL OF THE FIRST NIGHT” SERVICE A spiritual Buddhist observance to ring in the new year. All who attend can ring the “calling bell” 108 times during the short 30-40 minute service. Dec. 31, 7-8 pm. Free. Spokane Buddhist Temple, 927 S. Perry St. spokanebuddhisttemple.org (534-7954) BALLET ARTS ACADEMY JUNIOR COMPANY Performance as part of First Night Spokane, feature a story ballet performed by young dancers, ages 1114. At 4 pm and 5 pm, in ballrooms A & B. Dec. 31. Spokane Convention Center, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. balletartsacademy.com (279-7000) T.W.I.N.E. Teen Writers of the Inland Empire meets on the first Thursday of the month (except holidays) to write and share their work. For grades 6+.

First Thurs. of every month, 4 pm.

Free. Spokane Valley Library, 12004 E. Main. teenwritersoftheinlandempire. blogspot.com (893-8400) JACC BRIDAL FAIR Tour the JACC facilities, see a runway show, visit wedding industry vendor booths and more. Jan. 3, 11 am-4 pm. Free admission. Jacklin Arts & Cultural Center, 405 N. William St. thejacklincenter.org PIXEL PLAYGROUND A four-week course encouraging kids to explore possibilities in digital arts, hosted by Ink Artspace. Ages 8-18. Meets Jan. 6, 13, 20 and 27, from 4-6 pm. Plan to attend all four sessions. Courses may include video game designing, basic programming, Photoshop and green screen work, depending on the interests of

attendees. No previous experience is required. Free; registration required.

Downtown Library, 906 W. Main Ave. (444-5336) SPOKANE COMPASS CLUB January’s monthly luncheon includes a presentation by Steve Tammaro, CEO of the YMCA of the Inland Northwest. Check in at 11 am; lunch at noon. RSVP with Sheryl at 455-7789, or email compassres@ gmail.com. Jan. 6, 11 am. $20. Twigs Bistro, 401 E. Farwell Rd. twigsbistro. com (443-3589) SPOKANE MOVES TO AMEND THE CONSTITUTION The local activist group meets on the first Tuesdays of the month. at 6:30 pm. All are welcome.

Donations accepted. Liberty Park Methodist Church, 1526 E. 11th Ave. s-m-a-c. org (844-1776) A MINDFUL LIFE Explore meditation and mindfulness, and move towards greater health and balance in your life.

Meetings are held on first and third Wed of at 7 pm., at the Deer Park Senior Center, 316 E. Crawford St. free.

Deer Park, n/a. (258-7361) UNDERSTANDING & PROVIDING EFFECTIVE EVALUATIONS An overview of the many effects that evaluations have on the employee and themselves, as well as concepts for improving the process. Jan. 8, 11:30 am-1 pm. Free.

Downtown Library, 906 W. Main Ave. (533-8483) MOOSE ON THE MOVE Learn about the history, biology and ecology of moose in North America and find out what is going on with moose in our neck of the woods. Jan. 10, 2 pm. Free. South Hill Library, 3324 S. Perry St. spokanelibrary. org (444-5385) NORTHWEST BRIDAL FESTIVAL A wedding industry vendor trade show, including photographers, wedding planners, gowns and more. Jan. 10-11, Sat from 10 am-5 pm, Sun from 11 am-4 pm. $10/good all weekend. Spokane Convention Center, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. bridalfest.com (279-7000) INLAND NW FREETHOUGHT SOCIETY The secular social group meets on the second Sunday of the month at 2 pm.

(Because of Mother’s Day, May’s meeting is on Sat, May 10.) Free. Shari’s, 240 N. Sullivan Rd. infreethought.org ZENTANGLE Join certified Zentangle instructor Loretta West for an introductory class to this relaxing activity creating beautiful images by drawing structured patterns. Jan. 13, 6:30 pm. Free.

Indian Trail Library, 4909 W. Barnes Rd. (444-5395) TWEEN CLUB (SPOKANE VALLEY) Group meets on the second Wed. of the month at 4 pm for activities and snacks.

Upcoming dates: Jan. 14 (Mythbusters); Feb. 11, March 11, April 8 and May 13.

Free. Spokane Valley Library, 12004 E. Main. scld.org (893-8400) WESTENERS SPOKANE CORRAL The local club encourages preservation of western lore and history through historical research, presentations, publication and preservation of archival records, documents and other evidence of the Pacific Northwest. Meets the third Thursday of each month, dinner ($20) at 5:45 pm, speaker at 7 pm.

Airport Holiday Inn, 1616 S. Windsor Dr. (838-1170) ZENTANGLE Join certified Zentangle instructor Loretta West for an introductory class to this relaxing activity creating beautiful images by drawing structured patterns. Jan. 17, 2 pm. Free.

Hillyard Library, 4005 N. Cook St. (4445380 n

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56 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

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ou’re probably thinking about New Year’s resolutions and the munchies. You’re thinking that smoking a bowl and eating an entire bag of Cheetos isn’t going to help you shed extra pounds. Well, you’re not exactly right. Or wrong.

In 2013, researchers from the Harvard School of Public Health, Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and the University of Nebraska found that although avid marijuana smokers consumed more calories — sometimes an extra 600 calories per day — users had significantly smaller waists and lower body mass index (BMI) compared to participants who have never smoked. Smokers also had higher levels of good cholesterol, even after adjusting for factors like physical activity, alcohol use, sex and tobacco.

Researchers analyzed data from 4,600 adults — 1,365 (nearly 30 percent) of whom reported never using marijuana — in an attempt to find a correlation between marijuana consumption and cardiovascular risk factors, BMI and caloric intake. The findings were published in The American Journal of Medicine as “The Impact of Marijuana Use on Glucose, Insulin, and Insulin Resistance among US Adults.”

Approximately 12 percent of both African American and Caucasian participants identified as current marijuana users, and 42 percent reported smoking in the past. Results found that current smokers’ insulin levels were reduced by 16 percent and their insulin resistance (where the body has difficulty absorbing glucose from the

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DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 57

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ACROSS 1. Spy grp. dissolved in 1991 4. Spew out 9. Own up (to) 14. One of the Gershwins 15. Supermodel Laetitia ____ 16. Brand whose FilterForGood campaign targets the use of plastic bottles 17. Boxer’s neckwear, perhaps 19. Lord of poetry 20. Rap’s ____ Rida 21. Comic who played himself on “Louie” 23. Like some metal toys 27. Olive ____ 28. ____ Arbor, Mich.

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50. Debtor’s note 51. Pan Am rival 53. Kids’ summer activity center 55. Shaming school punishment 60. Connections 61. At the minimum setting 62. “The Price Is Right” host 67. 2007 documentary about the health care system 68. Hill of “21 Jump Street” and “22

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Jump Street” 69. Gray 70. German steel city 71. Goes across 72. Cookware item DOWN 1. Josh 2. Miracle-____ 3. Sack 4. Mandatory recycling, e.g.

5. Bit of wet-weather wear 6. Subj. for some green card holders 7. Suffix meaning “city” in some European place names 8. “American Pie” actress Reid 9. Westminster ____ 10. Follow the care label of, perhaps 11. Abstract artist Joan 12. “Was ____ forward?”

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25. Prefix with bacteria 26. Beefsteak, for one 30. Classic McDonnell Douglas aircraft ... and the answers to this puzzle’s italicized clues, collectively

31. Brought a smile to 33. Silverstone of “Clueless” 34. Internet company 35. Escorts to a penthouse, e.g.

40. Soft drink since 7/4/1982 41. “Poison” plant 48. Birthplace of director Ang Lee 49. Harmonizes 52. Team’s victory cry 54. Civil War side: Abbr.

55. Prescribed amount 56. Les Etats-____ 57. Part of baseball’s postseason: Abbr.

58. Fast and furious, e.g.: Abbr.

59. Play thing 63. Aunt in “Bambi” 64. Genre of J. Cole 65. Psych 101 topic 66. “On the other hand ...”

DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 59

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I Saw You

I Saw You

Cheers

Cheers

Petite Blonde Cougar I saw you multiple times at the Golden Corral on north Division Street. You’re a busgirl there.

I complimented you one day by calling you a doll, and you caressed my back in response.

That caress was so magical, it has haunted me ever since.

There was so much love in your touch, it was amazing.

I’m assuming you’re single and hoping you are, but can’t seem to get enough courage to ask you. You are a slender, petite, mature blonde. It is difficult to say how old you are, but I am guessing somewhere from your late 30’s to mid 40’s. Your name Is Tami. I would love to ask you for a date if you are available. Now if I can just find the courage. I haven’t dated for almost 20 years, so it has been awhile. ME 6’ gentleman with a few extra pounds wearing a baseball cap with the initials BNSF on it.

took my breath away!

Unfortunately, by the time I regained my composure, all I was left with was the slightest glimpse of those exquisite dark locks cascading as you sashayed, exiting the crowd.

At the risk of sounding cliche, may you consider starting out the New Year (or thereabouts) sharing a toddy with me?

Merry Christmas gorgeous!

There I did it.

to realize that not everyone can dig up $400 to $600 for a full set of four tires when you have the misfortune of ruining just one of your tires.

This wonderful place will sell you exactly what you need and what you can just barely afford. A lot of people need just one tire so they can keep that car running to get them to their minimum wage job that helps to feed and house a family. There is an especially nice man there named Keith - who will get you what you need. Let’s all hope this place never goes out of business.

to all of the wonderful people who donated to the Tree of Sharing this year. I am a single woman with no children and no family whose Christmas would have been a bummer if I hadn’t received that beautiful skillet from a kind and generous donor. Thank you so much!

Oh, Christmas Jeep To the Jeep decorated with Christmas lights and reindeer antlers, cheers to you!! My husband and I get so excited when you drive through our neighborhood. Thank you for spreading cheer in such a fun and lighthearted way.

Aff or Neg You were at the debate tournament, as a parent judge? I was there to watch my son. You: perfect red hair, poetically beautiful eyes--gorgeous. Let’s meet sometime over coffee and an especially tricky resolution?

Look for the sticker at The Inlander’s more than 1,000+ locations throughout the Inland Northwest and pick up your weekly edition.

60 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

Allured at Costco Saturday, November 15th, 2:30ish (yep in my longing of finding you again, completely tore apart my home to locate the receipt). You graciously, even charmingly, came to my rescue at the condiment stand. I know what an idiot huh? Who doesn’t know how to secure the lid on a soda cup??? Or perhaps it was simply fate?

I do believe you absolutely

#27 Hillyard Thursday December 18th, we were finally on the same bus, but I didn’t have the courage to say hi. You were talking to a young girl who sat next to you. “You can do anything you want, don’t let any one tell you different” you told her.

TO C O N N E C T

Put a non-identifying email address in your message, like “petals327@yahoo. com” — not “j.smith@ comcast.net.”

We see each other often, even talked a couple of times. We always seem to catch each other looking. I would like to get to know you more. You’re a caretaker with beautiful eyes and smile. I would like to make you laugh.

Cheers Thank You! For stopping to see if I was ok, in my time of distress. Whatever happens with regards to school, it is not the end of the world. Thanks for helping me see the positive side of things.

Cheers to the man who paid for the UPS guys’ lunches at Wild Dogs! You ROCK!! Just know that it was appreciated and will be paid forward.

Hillyard Tire Thank God for this place in north Hillyard where a person can go if you can only afford to buy just one tire or even a used tire.

The upscale tire stores need

Getting All Choked Up I could have told a joke. I could have recited a sonnet. I could have talked about the weather, a movie, or even just said “Happy Holidays”! Instead, I inhaled a popcorn kernel.

Then I coughed, gagged, and slobbered all over the counter.

Thanks for refilling my soda.

Thanks for the polite reaction. (...although, the disgusted/ fearful look in your eyes did begin to overtake the smile just a bit.) And sorry for making such a mess. I promise I’ll chew my food before I say hello again. Happy (cough) Holidays.

Recycle Center Surprise Today, December 18th, I went to American Recycling to cash in my cans and I was greeted right away by a kind man that called me a pretty lady and also added a couple pounds to my slip. So then I went to the office to collect my money and that nice man gave me 2 cents more a pound. Well not only did I feel lucky I did feel pretty.

You two gentlemen made this lady who just turned 66 ever so happy and special. “I was the lady in the blue Acura.”

Thank you so much for giving me a wonderful experience and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Hugs!

Tree of Sharing, Thanks Cheers

Thank You! WF61YO....I am no fan of the police (the “po po” for all of us “Madea” fans), but I am heartsick and disgusted by the assasination of the officers in Brooklyn this last week.

Those men and women put on a uniform, which has now become a target, every day to do the scary and thankless jobs we can’t do ourselves.

Thank you. Let’s also be grateful to their spouses. Can you even imagine that life?

Saint Michael is the patron of police. To those of you who pray, please send up a few. I am donating (no..not DO-nutting) a dozen cupcakes at Celebrations Bakery as a thank you to all the police officers everywhere who, symbolically, do do the right thing. One each and no using your lights and sirens to get there. God bless them, our firefighters and EMTs for all you do. Merry Christmas and a safe and happy new year. j.

Taco Bell Tipper Thank you to the gentleman who was so very generous when he tipped two hard working Taco Bell employees $20. Such a kind gesture goes a long way, and certainly had a positive impact for those two employees. Way to lead by example for being good-hearted to one another.

Jeers To The Person Who Stole Everything I Own I know this isn’t going to reach anybody who cares, but if you broke into my car Friday night/ Saturday morning let me tell you a little about myself. I am an unemployed student, I have

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Jeers

Jeers

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been to multiple interviews and been denied the job. You stole everything I owned. You stole my Christmas presents.

Want to know a little more about me? Had you knocked on my door you could have had anything in my car had you given me a chance to get my baby blanket and other important things out. You want my passport, I would have let you have it. I would give a stranger the clothes off my back if they needed them and asked. My phone was stole earlier this year, had I been asked I would have happily given it to the drug addict who took it had he allowed me to get all my pictures off of it. If you have it in you please feel free to drop it back off where you broke into my car (off SR27). All I want is the blanket, really, but if you have anything else I’d take it all. If you read this and see a bunch of boxes somewhere “DRESSER” is written on them in hot pink I’m asking you let me know. I don’t have anything, it was all stolen, but I will find a way to make it up to you. I have no desire to “tell” on you I don’t orchestrate that way. Like I said you could have my clothes if you asked.

Thank you, S.M

off and mouthed something that I couldn’t make out. You were so rude. Maybe I got that response due to catching you picking your nose at the red light but truthfully it was kind of cute, in a gross unhealthy way. Back to the point, T-Swift sucks. I hope Santa brings you coal!

two lanes to one right before it enters the interstate should be imprisoned for life or shot without trial regardless, but your anger, old woman, is so misplaced because you’re engaging in behavior that will and has absolutely gotten people pulled over and into wrecks. But don’t feel too badly because 9/10 of the driver’s who use the Maple St. on-ramp are just as ignorant.

Call me terrible or whatever you’d like, but I get a deep sense of contentment when I see two or more people smashed together at the top of that devious ramp due to improper usage because I know exactly how it happened without ever having to witness it. We have enough issues with bikers who also believe they are piloting two-ton guided missiles and wish to be treated as such that we don’t need people who would fail the test if asked to describe the rules and common approved practices of on-ramps and interstate usage. Please quit putting everyone on the interstate and everyone attempting to get on it at risk, go the speed you should be going by the time you merge.

Merry Christmas and safe driving.

Boldsmobile blaring Taylor Swift We pulled up to the light, side by side. You, in the red Oldsmobile with a B glued before it, screaming T-Swift lyrics. I winked your direction and you flipped me

I Might Be A Jerk, But You’re Just A Bad Driver I’ve been putting this one off for a while, but little old woman that flipped me off today (no doubt because I laid on my horn while behind you in the merging lane of the on-ramp from Maple to I-90), not only are you rude and oh so becoming of your age, but you’re just wrong as well. When you merge on I-90 going 40 mph, you are unequivocally a bigger danger than if I merged going 100 mph. It is easier physics-wise to go past your intended point of merging then slow down to reach it than it is to try and go from 30 mph to at least 55 uphill, all while trying to find an open spot to merge. It is not the duty of those in the slow lane to move out of the way to accommodate your boat driving, hence the yield sign at the top of said on-ramp.

If you merged at speeds of sub-60 mph and someone collided with your rear end, it would be without a doubt your fault and you would be receiving the traffic infraction.

Now whoever designed an on-ramp that condenses from

’S THIS WEEK! ANSWERS

Getting Baby Bumped To the sweet first-time mother who is so far along that she probably shouldn’t be in a movie theater, especially for a three hour film. You kicked, bumped, and rocked the back of my seat constantly during the movie. And after, muttering, grunting, and complaining throughout, your grand finale was a substantial smack to the back of my head with your sixty pound purse. I guess I could have hurled an insult or an evil glare, but I think having your Neanderthal boyfriend’s dozen kids will be punishment enough.

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DECEMBER 25, 2014 INLANDER 61

Airway Heights Baptist Church senior pastor Dale Jenkins (left) leads friends and family caroling around nearby neighborhoods. SARAH WURTZ PHOTOS

A-wassailing in Airway Heights

After caroling annually for more than two decades, one man wouldn’t have Christmas any other way

BY LAURA JOHNSON

D

ale Jenkins may be tone deaf, but at least he sings loud. Tonight, with stars tucked behind a blanket of clouds, the senior pastor at Airway Heights Baptist Church goes door to door, leading friends and family through well-known Christmas carols at neighboring homes. Arm around his wife Penny, he makes a joyful noise, not caring how melodic the outcome is.

Even in the worst of winters — when breath turns white and walkways ice up — he’s persevered, caroling to neighbors in the area for the past 17 years. It began back in Bakersfield, California, with the first church he pastored, as a way to bring love to parish shut-ins and also minister to the community. For 25 years, he hasn’t missed it.

Caroling may not be as popular as it once was, but tonight — the longest night of the year and four days before Christmas — a group of 30 people, spanning all ages, participate in song.

“Caroling gets us around folks who need cheer,” the 58-year-old explains.

62 INLANDER DECEMBER 25, 2014

S

ome of the visited are like family, some are strangers. One woman sticks her head out of her secondstory window and, smiling, says: “Make sure to sing on key, I don’t want any flat notes,” to Jenkins’ laughter.

Another man can’t come outside to listen, so instead the carolers file inside and surround his living room chair. He sits and listens in awe as the songs fill the room.

Door after door, people open up and their faces melt with appreciation. They wave and say: “Thank you! Merry Christmas!”

The crew doesn’t dress up like Victorian carolers or produce flawless four-part harmony. Instead, people wear puffy jackets and funny crocheted hats, and their tones are sometimes mismatched. They hold flashlights and phones to read the lyrics. And because it’s 45 degrees, the warmest winter night Jenkins has experienced since caroling in Washington, the singers’ cheerfulness does not wane as they dot the various lawns.

“We look like a montage of people who live around here, because we are,” he says.

R

iding home on a former airport shuttle, now a church bus, people are still pumped up and singing continues, including a rendition of “Let it

Snow.”

“When we finally kiss goodnight… ” the third verse starts.

“Huh?” Jenkins exclaims, feigning offense.

LETTERS Children’s laughter Send comments to fills the warming vehicle. editor@inlander.com.

Pulling into the church parking lot after two hours of caroling, passengers are excited for hot cocoa and chili (not usually mixed together, but the kids dare Jenkins to try it). Here, no longer kidding around, Jenkins admits he’s exhausted.

“A couple of the homes we stopped at tonight, this may be their last Christmas,” he says, eyes misting. “For me, sharing our songs is exactly what Christmas is all about.” n

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