RELATIONSHIPS
Advice Goddess ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALLOW
I’ve missed countless opportunities because I fail to speak up in the moment. A pretty girl smiles at me on the bus. Ten minutes later, I will wish I’d stayed on the bus and struck up a conversation. The same thing happens with business opportunities. At the critical moment I need to act, I go into a fog of some kind, weighing my options. Much later, I’ll realize that gold was put in my lap, and I’ll endure a lot of shame from not being present enough AMY ALKON to recognize that. I’m all man when I have a girlfriend (which I don’t now) and will do anything to make her feel secure. But because of my problem with seizing opportunity, I’m much lonelier than I need to be. I’m realizing that I’m an irretrievable mental defective. —Hopeless You’ve heard that 80 percent of success is just showing up? Well, the other 20 percent is not acting like you got glued to the toilet seat shortly afterward. You diagnose yourself: “I’m an irretrievable mental defective.” Um, no — probably just a drama queen with risk aversion jets set a little high. Your freezing in the face of opportunity is probably due to an “approach-avoidance conflict,” a type of inaction-producing psychological stress that occurs when an opportunity has both positive and negative aspects that make it simultaneously appealing and off-putting. For example, with the girl on the bus, there’s a possible date versus a possible rejection. The closer (and more possible) the opportunity the larger the negative aspects loom. This leads to indecision and, in turn, inaction. When you have some distance (say, a few hours after you get off the pretty girl express bus), the positive aspects take center stage, and going for it seems the thing to do. Only then, this no longer takes a nervous “hello” across the bus aisle; you need one of those “missed connection” ads and $3,000 for a private detective. You need to practice opportunity-spotting and preplan what you’ll do when it knocks so you won’t respond like a bratty preteen girl: “Go away! Nobody’s home. I hate you!” Recognizing opportunity takes knowing your goals. Articulate them, and then identify five opportunities a day and seize at least two of them. This requires simply taking action despite your indecision. Assuming you aren’t weighing the opportunity to blow through a bunch of stop signs, what are the likely damages? Step back and do a little cost-benefit analysis. If, say, you’d talked to the girl on the bus, worst-case scenario, she might’ve glared back at you, giving you an ouchie in the ego for what, 10 minutes? Doing nothing leaves you with lasting regret, shame, and self-loathing. Doing nothing repeatedly should help you get a headstart on becoming a bitter old man, thanks to all the years you’ve invested standing near the ladder of success yet never once having a woman in a bikini shinny down and hand you a mai tai.
SUM GIRLS
Why does my girlfriend say she loves me more than I love her? There’s no anger behind it; she says it teasingly. But it’s making me uncomfortable and a little annoyed. I’m beginning to wonder whether I love her enough. I mean, I thought I did. —Bugged “I love you more than you love me!” is just the thing to say to a boyfriend — if you want him to take you in his arms so he can look over your shoulder for your replacement. The problem with the subtext — “You know, you could probably do better” — is the “principle of least interest,” sociologist Willard Waller’s 1938 theory that the relationship partner who is less emotionally invested calls the shots. Even if that less committed partner isn’t an exploitative creep, he’s likely to get his way in ways he wouldn’t in a more equal partnership, and Waller felt this didn’t bode well for the relationship. Current research supports this. Social psychologist Susan Sprecher, for example, found that unequally involved partners were less satisfied with their relationship and more likely to break up. If you aren’t already eyeing the door, ask your girlfriend whether there’s a problem — maybe something she needs that she isn’t getting from you. If she’s just playfully needling you, tell her you need her to stop. It’s okay, in a relationship, to ask that a phrase or two be a no-go zone. This “I love you more than you love me!” business, for example, is a cousin of the lose-lose question, “Do I look fat in this dress?” There is a right response to that question, and it isn’t “Yes, come to think of it,” “No!” or “No, you look like a cow landing with the world’s largest parachute”; it’s hiring somebody to be there to clock you with a tire iron before you can answer. n ©2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
64 INLANDER SEPTEMBER 26, 2013
EVENTS | CALENDAR WILD MOOSE CHASE TRAIL RUN 5K, 10K and 25K trail running routes offered. Sept. 29 at 8 am. $20. Selkirk Lodge at Mt. Spokane State Park. wildmoosechasetrailrun.com (828-1354) SPOKANE VALLEY TABLE TENNIS Club meets on Mondays from 1-3 pm and Tuesdays from 8:30-10:30 am. CenterPlace, 2426 N. Discovery Place, Spokane Valley. (924-9480)
THEATER
BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS Broadway comedy by Neil Simon. Through Oct. 12, Wed-Sat at 7:30 pm, except Sept. 27 at 6:30 pm, Sat matinees at 2 pm on Sept. 21, 28 and Oct. 5, 12. Sun at 2 pm. No performances on Oct. 3, 4. $12-$28. Interplayers Theatre, 174 S. Howard St. (455-7529) LES MISÉRABLES Stage musical adaptation of the Victor Hugo novel. Through Oct. 20, Thu-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm. $26-$33. Benefit performance Sept. 19 at 7:30 pm, benefiting the Off-Broadway Family Outreach. Spokane Civic Theatre, 1020 N. Howard St. (325-2507) THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Performance of the Oscar Wilde play. Through Sept. 29, Fri-Sat at 7 pm, Sun at 3 pm. $5-$12. Pend Oreille Playhouse, 240 N. Union Ave, Newport. pendoreilleplayhouse.org (671-3389)
WEEKEND COUNTDOWN
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HIT & RUN PLAYWRIGHT FESTIVAL Event featuring a presentation of several short plays, hosted by playwrightin-residence Sandy Hosking. Sept. 2728 at 7:30 pm. $5. Stage Left Theater, 108 W. 3rd Ave. spokanestageleft.org THE COUNSELOR Performed by Sandpoint Onstage. Sept. 27-Oct. 12, Fri-Sat at 7:30 pm. $10-$12. Panida Theater, 300 N. First Ave. (208-263-9191) HEART FOR THE ARTS GALA Gala fundraiser featuring wine, hors d'oeuvres, auction, live music and one-act comedy performance of "Well Written." Sept. 28 at 6 pm. $30. Liberty Lake Theatre, 22910 E. Appleway Ave. libertylaketheatre.com (342-2055) ORDINARY TIME Drama/satire by Spokane-based playwright Sandra Hosking. Oct. 3-13, Thu-Sat at 7:30 pm,
Sun at 2 pm. $8-$10. Hartung Theatre, University of Idaho, Moscow. uidaho. edu/theatre (208-885-7212)
VISUAL ARTS
MAPPING THE SPOKANE RIVER Gallery installation and community project featuring photos, stories, samples of river water from community members and more. Through Oct. 18. Lecture and reception Oct. 18 at 11:30 am. SFCC Fine Art Gallery, 3410 W. Fort George Wright Dr. sfccfinearts.org LITTLE SPOKANE ARTIST STUDIO TOUR Tour four artist studios along the Little Spokane River, hosting more than two dozen local artists. Sept. 29 from 10 am-5 pm. Free. Map at littlespokanestudios.com. ARTIST SHOWCASE & AUCTION Fundraiser art auction hosted by the Spokane Valley Arts Council featuring live music, food, beverages, artist demos and more. Sept. 28 starting at 5 pm. $35. CenterPlace Regional Event Center, 2426 N. Discovery Pl. (747-0812) BIRDS IN ART Group exhibition featuring the work of local artists inspired by birds. Oct. 1-Jan. 6, 2014. Opening reception Oct. 4 from 5-9 pm. Chase Gallery, 808 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. spokanearts.org (321-9614) THE ARTFALL SEASON Fall-themed art exhibition featuring local and regional artists. Oct. 1-31, artist reception Oct. 11 from 5-8 pm. Gallery Northwest, 217 Sherman Ave., CdA. (208-667-5700)
WORDS
CULTURE & THEOLOGY LECTURE SERIES "The Importance of Doctrine" lecture with Gerry Breshears. Sept. 26 at 7 pm. Free. Kroc Center, 1765 W. Golf Course Rd. (208-667-1865) BUILDING FOR WAR "The Epic Saga of the Civilian Contractors and Marines of Wake Island in WWII" lecture series. Sept. 26 at 6:30 pm, North Spokane Library; and Sept. 28 at 2 pm, Spokane Valley Library. scld.org (893-8200) JAN MARTINEZ Reading and signing of the author's book "Christ Kitchen." Sept. 26 at 7 pm. Free. Auntie's Bookstore, 402 W. Main Ave. (838-0206) POET JANÉE BAUGHER Reading and signing of her latest work "The Body's Physics." Sept. 27 at 7 pm. Free. Auntie's Bookstore, 402 W. Main Ave. (838-0206) WASH. POET LAUREATE KATHLEEN FLENNIKEN The state's poet laureate
g n i m o c e H om pecials! S $25 $35 $45
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will present and sign copies of her work. Sept. 27 at 7 pm. Free. Chewelah Civic Center, 301 E. Clay St. thelosc.org INLAND NW SOCIETY OF CHILDREN'S BOOK WRITERS & ILLUSTRATORS 9th annual conference "Making Connections" for writers and illustrators of children's/young adult literature. Sept. 28 from 8:30 am-5 pm. $115-$130. Spokane Club, 1002 W. Riverside Ave. tinyurl.com/scbwi-inw-Fall (inlandnwscbwi@gmail.com) 100,000 POETS FOR CHANGE Local poets will join more than 100,000 poets around the world to promote social, environmental and political change. Sept. 28 from 9 am-1 pm. Oak and Fourth St., Sandpoint. losthorsepress.org (208-255-4410) MICHAEL B. KOEP BOOK LAUNCH Book launch party for the author's book "The Invasion of Heaven" featuring live music, refreshments, book signings and a reading from the book. Sept. 28 from 7-9 pm. The White Room, 117 W. Pacific Ave. michaelbkoep.com NORTH IDAHO READS "Food and Memories" hosted by chef Adam Hegsted. Oct. 1 at 2 pm. $5. Coeur d'Alene Casino, 37914 S. Hwy. 95. northidahoreads.org (800-523-2464) BROKEN MIC Spoken word open mic night. Wednesdays at 6 pm. All-ages. Free. Neato Burrito, 827 W. First Ave. LAST CHANCE SLAM Poets have the opportunity to compete for the last spot in the Individual World Poetry Slam competition (Oct. 3-5). Oct. 2 at 7 pm. All-ages. Neato Burrito, 827 W. First Ave. iwps.poetryslam.com THE MAGNIFICENT PEUTINGER MAP "Roman Cartography at its Most Creative" lecture by Richard Talbert. Oct. 2 at 6:30 pm. Free. Northwest Museum of Arts & Culture, 2316 W. First Ave. GONZAGA VISITING WRITERS SERIES Featuring writers Shawn Vestal and Bruce Holbert. Oct. 2 at 7:30 pm. Free. Gonzaga University, Cataldo Room, 502 E. Boone Ave. gonzaga.edu EVEREST: A JOURNEY OF CONQUEST Presentation by Kay LeClaire, the oldest woman in the world to successfully reach the "Seven Summits," the highest peak on each continent. Oct. 2 at 7 pm. Free. REI, 1125 N. Monroe St. (328-9900) JOHN ROSKELLY "Reaching the Summit: Travels in the Himalayas" lecture by the Spokane native and mountaineer. Oct. 2 at 7:30 pm. Free and open to the public. Whitworth University, 300 W. Hawthorne Rd. (777-4424) n
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