The Fat Head April 3, 2024

College administration announces conversion of Sunken Garden into world’s tallest parking garage

CRISTAHL FANG // FAT HEAD EDITOR-IN-CHRIST

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Monday, April 1, President Katherine Rowe wrote in an email to students that the administration plans to add an astronomically large parking garage to the Sunken Garden that will include 5,000,000 new parking spaces. The announcement comes amidst a parking shortage on campus, in part due to the increased construction to build new residential facilities.

Students will not be permitted to park in the new spaces at Sunken Garden. Instead, the parking will be reserved for tourists in Colonial Williamsburg. The administration explained that the garage is part of their plan to increase marketing for the College and drive up the number of applicants.

Many students are angry that the new parking garage will detract from the beauty of campus.

“This is literally fucking stupid,” Whogafni Mehrabi ’25 said. The Sunken Garden will now feature a concrete base for cars to park. Students will still be permitted to pass through, but WMPD will forcibly detain any students passing diagonally through the lot. There will be no crosswalks, according to the email from President Rowe.

“Students have expressed their love for Crossy Road so much we thought we’d create a Williamsburg version. It will also help students burn some extra calories while they dodge cars on their way to class,” Rowe said.

Mon. Apr. 1, 2024, President Katherine Rowe released a statement terminating the remainder of scheduled programming for the College of William and Mary’s Year of the Arts. While Rowe had originally announced in fall 2023 that the 2023-24 school year would be centered on uplifting and amplifying arts education in recognition of the recent opening of the Arts Quarter, she is now clarifying that the Year of the Arts should have never happened and was the result of grave oversight from the College’s administration.

“It has come to our attention that we have mistakenly launched the Year of the Arts instead of the Year of the Farts as originally intended,” Rowe wrote. “Effective

immediately, we will now be commencing the Year of the Farts, and the Year of the Arts and its associated programming will no longer be active. We have already removed all promotional materials and scheduled events from our campus and official website. We thank all of our students and faculty for their continued patience and understanding with this clerical error, and we deeply apologize to our fartists and fart majors on campus who were overlooked during this period.” Rowe then unveiled a new calendar of updated events centered around flatulence, such as gastroenterology workshops led by a visiting professor from John Hopkins University, free jars of flatulence and whoopee

cushions sponsored by Student Assembly and new 2024 Atwater Lecture speaker Mr. Methane (more commonly known as the greatest British flatulist of all time). Laxatives will now be offered free of charge from the student pharmacy in the Wellness Center, according to Rowe.

She also noted that the Arts Quarter would be correctly renamed to the Farts Quarter in the coming week with new signage and reopening reception with a performance by the Wind Ensemble and an open bean buffet.

“I’m glad we’re finally getting some visibility on campus,” Avi Joshi, a member of Wind Ensemble, said.

underfunded or neglected. It’s empowering to know the college is creating a co-ed sporting team that has a long history of respecting women,” a member of Smeta Theta Phi, Hanna Barnsburger, said.

The parking garage will include a skybridge that passes through the historic Wren Building and ends with an elevator right in the middle of Confusion Corner. The skybridge will be decked out with images of notable William & Mary alumni, including Congressman Matt Gaetz, who graduated from the Law School. The skybridge will also feature the faint odor of horse poop to prepare visitors for the sights of the ‘burg and promote the Year of the Farts.

At the very top of the 47,000 story garage will be a brand new cafe entitled ‘The Daily Glock.’ Lavatories on the premises will be outfitted with glock 19s, mags and silencers for those who need to relieve their distinctly American urges as well as their bladders.

“This place sounds so sick,” Maximus “Barbeque” Grill ‘26 said. “I’m definitely sneaking up there.” Construction is set to commence at Commencement in May.

Mary’s Athletic Department

a statement announcing their plans for a new sports team.

“With outdoor sporting events reaching a standstill due to recent torrential weather spells in the region, and Williamsburg’s preexisting Shrek-like swamp conditions, William and Mary is happy to introduce our newest weather-friendly sporting option: Mud Wrestling,” a representative stated.

In a special collaboration between senior administrators and members of the interfraternity and panhellenic council, the College hatched an initiative to get down and dirty with the millennia-old sporting tradition.

“We want the mud,” a member of Kappa Sigma Ligma, Queefan Chin, said.

Members of the College’s panhellenic council also expressed their support for mud-wrestling’s storied history of gender equality.

“There are so many issues with Title IV on campus and with women’s sports teams continuing to get

The recent excavation of Barksdale field is part of a greater effort to introduce more nature-immersive sports into the College’s athletic lexicon. The Athletic Department’s official statement also announced plans to merge the Crim and Grim Dell to create an Olympic-sized bog in preparation for a new swamp swim team.

Though the announcement was met with stifled enthusiasm, an anonymous tip submitted to the Fat Head revealed that the new construction points towards a nefarious green trail–cash green.

“With all the flooding on campus, the high cost of maintaining green spaces on campus, and our shrinking endowment, the administration has been seeking out cheaper mud-based alternatives for all large outdoor fields. No shoe will be safe ever again,” stated the whistleblower.

The College declined to comment on these accusations.

In the meantime, it seems the twamp swamp is finally living up to its name. Students should soon prepare to trade in their frisbees for fighting fists and get ready to get dirty.

MOLLIE SOUFFLÉ // MAYOR OF L BOZO

Monday, Apr. 1, students reported alarm over the new landscaping choices of Barskdale Field located between Lemon Hall and Phi Beta Kappa Memorial Hall. The emergence of ten-foot tall turd dunes stood in stark contrast to the green grass of yesteryear. In response to the confusion expressed by the student body, The College of William and

released

p.u.-bes insight

Yates Hall Accidentally Demolished By Campus Police, Citing “Evidence Of Marijuana”

Following a period of heightened presence in the area, as well as the recent execution of search warrants at establishments near campus, William & Mary Campus Police ‒ in conjunction with the Williamsburg Police Department, Virginia State Police & FBI ‒ have accidentally demolished Yates Hall, one of the largest dorms for freshmen at the College of William and Mary.

The detonation of the building and surrounding vegetation, carried out using a combination of Agent Orange and 2,900 pounds of napalm, took place as a result of the discovery of a glory hole in a bathroom on the third floor. Officers were convinced that this doubled as a concealed hiding place for 0.2 grams of marijuana that had been stashed there by residents in 1976. Williamsburg Police Officer Samara Devenshorts, one of the first investigators to arrive at the scene, described what she saw.

“The scent was unmistakable ‒ one of my officers, he breathed it in and immediately collapsed. I have reason to believe that he absorbed it through his skin[…]for the safety of our department, we had no choice but to act,” Devenshorts said.

In providing additional justification for the chosen tactics of his department, Officer Devenshorts

Monday, April 1 marked three days since an unidentifed male took control of the College of William and Mary’s Integrated Science Center and initiated a complete lockdown of one of the largest buildings on campus. The male had reportedly been living in a study room on the second foor for three weeks prior to the takeover but had reached his breaking point after a group of freshman biology students tossed tomatoes at him and demanded him to griddy for their entertainment, according to anonymous sources.

Since then, he has taken four of the fve biology students hostage but has been cooperative with WMPD. He has agreed to release the hostages on the condition that ISC 1264 be permanently reserved for his residence and renovated into a master bedroom replete with a mini fridge with black tar heroin, a king-sized bed and a jacuzzi for the rest of the year. He has also requested 1,000,000 dining dollars, ChatGPT premium and the reinstatement of Drips and Sips in dining halls around campus.

WMPD is currently working on accommodating these requests but say they “need more time, Jesus Christ.” Crisis negotiators have attempted persuading the male’s exit from the building with guaranteed housing in a Swem nap pod for the next school year but have not heard a response back yet.

One student, Brian Hoodman ’26, says he has been increasingly stressed over the continuing lockdown.

“My camera is still in there!” Hoodman exclaimed in distress. “Please, at least just rescue my camera, my baby, my world. I need to take photos! PHOTOS!!!!!!!!”

Other students have expressed little to no interest in the situation at all.

“I mean, I’m like literally living my best life in New Zealand, so I don’t really care lol,” Gemma Menry wrote in a text message to The Fat Head. “Wanna see a pic of some kiwis?”

Some students had no idea about the situation at all.

“Did I mention I’m from Philly?” Molly Parks ‘24 said.

Since the last time WMPD ofcers were able to make contact with the unidentifed male, an explosion took place in Sadler Center’s dining hall, leading to a complete evacuation of the building.

“My sandwich!” Peggin Rude-a-seal ‘27 cried out as they were rushed out of the building by College security.

WMPD ofcers recovered a detonated bomb strapped to the bottom of the beloved ice cream machine in Sadler. They also say eduroam has been hijacked by an untraceable source, leading to multiple website crashes of The Fat Head. WMPD has yet to respond to comment over whether either of these actions are linked to the ISC squatter, but student suspicions have run high on YikYak.

Tis story is still developing.

each other in hand to hand combat, betting on who they think will win. It was all going so very perfectly. Until the Squemromas employees started feeling disgruntled from being constantly threatened. They revolted! But the squirrel mafia was just too powerful.

The squirrelfather hadn’t told his brother that he needed to keep up the fight ring because he is in debt from

of the library.

From there, the squirrel mafia leaders watch as William & Mary squadmin fight

“It just got too intense. I couldn’t take it anymore! Squirrels kept clawing employees’ eyes out when we threatened to quit. Eventually they just started doing it randomly. We were all on edge,” a former Squemromas employee anymously revealed. Editor’s Note: we believe this quote is a figment of the author’s delusions and the voices in their head. This quote could not be independently verified. It was later revealed there was also a torrid love affair between a Squemromas employee and a squirrel mafia leader. The squirrel mafia split in two, one supporting their lover while the other, the squirrelfather as he was called, was consumed by money.