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The University of Maryland’s Independent Student Newspaper T U E S DAY, A P R I L 1 , 2 01 4 UNIVERSITY TO REVERSE BIG TEN MOVE, STAY IN ACC President Loh: ‘I’ve made a B1G mistake’ By Haywood Jadoome @afporoills Junior senior staff writer The university announced plans yesterday to reverse its decision to switch conferences and rejoin the ACC on July 2, one day after leaving the conference to move to the Big Ten. The ACC, which the university helped form in 1953, still expects the university to pay the $52 million exit fee. In addition, the university will have to pay a $17 million entrance fee to return to the conference. Pending court decisions, this u n iversity cou ld owe the ACC $69 million. “Jiminy Crickets,” said university President Wallace Loh, who was arrested early this morning in connection with selling Social Security numbers for “fat stacks.” “That’s a lot of money, but it may be worth it to restore the university’s rich athletic tradition. Go Terps!” Loh made the decision to return to the ACC after his first visit to Bojangles’, a fried chicken restaurant chain popular in North Carolina. “We cannot — and will not — sacrifice these deals on five-piece chicken baskets and Bo-Berry biscuits,” Loh said. ACC Commissioner John Swofford cou ld not be reached for comment because he was taking tequila shots with Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski and North Carolina coach Roy Williams in his Greensboro, N.C., lair. In another alleged violation of the state’s open-meetings law, Athletic Director Kevin Anderson was not involved in the deliberation on the conference switch. “Hold on, what?” Anderson said through athletic department spokesman Clank Bozo. Univ Police: Loh sold Social Security numbers University president allegedly peddled index cards with personal info in frozen Lohgurt shop By Dee Snuts @thedeezbk Assistant to the editor in chief a dining services toy rests beneath last night’s chicken value meal. The dining halls will offer toys from now on, in a finger-lickin’ good initiative. j. blair/the diningback VALUE MEALS TO COME WITH TOYS Dining Services announces revamped menu, Testudo-themed collectibles By Firstname Lastname @twitterhandle Insert writer position here wearing a fairy princess Testudo costume, citing student concerns about the intimidating appearance of the meals. The toys make the meals more apDining Services officials unveiled proachable, sophomore economics a revamped value meal menu Friday, featuring new dishes and a toy with major John Smith said. “I’m not really sure what I’m eating each purchase. right now. What kind of animal even Students are now able to choose a is tilapia?” Smith said over a plate fairy princess or Superman Testudo toy or Testudo pillow to accompany of food in the South Campus Dining the daily value meal at no extra cost, Hall last night. “The uncertainty Dining Services spokesman Bart won’t scare me anymore — not with Hipple said. Apple slices and juice Super Testudo by my side.” Dining hall employees started disboxes are also available. tributing the toys more yesterday, “We’re really trying to put the fun Hipple said. He cautioned that the back into food,” Hipple said while objects themselves are not edible and should not touch the food, as the paint could contain lead. Smith said he carries them everywhere, but lately, he’s been unable to sleep, eat or have a bowel movement. His doctor, Andrea Pril Fools, told him he is showing symptoms of severe lead poisoning, but he said he won’t stop collecting the toys. “We want to provide our students with the best experience possible,” Hipple said. “Think about how much a collection of these will be worth in 20 years — that’s high-quality service.” Un iversity Pol ice a rrested university President Wallace Loh early this morning, charging him with sale of stolen goods and seizing about 300,000 Social Security numbers scribbled on index cards in his oversized trench coat. “We’re shocked, frankly,” said Brian Voss, information technology vice president and chief information officer. “We thought our systems were impenetrable. We didn’t leave any doors open. We put duct tape on the windows. We didn’t even have any index cards in the building.” L oh wa s a r rested at about 1:30 a.m. inside the newly opened T utti Frutti u nder Domain College Park, University Police sp okeswom a n Sg t. Rosa n ne Hoaas said between bites of blueberry cheesecake frozen yogurt with tapioca pearls. “We were surprised by the s u sp ect’s physic a l st ren g t h — 300,000 index cards weigh almost 2,000 pounds,” Hoaas said. “Do you want a bite of this froyo? It’s really good.” In an exclusive interview with The Diamondback, Loh acknowledged selling the data and explained his motivation, citing wallace loh, university president, was picked up by University Police in connection with selling students’ Social Security numbers. Seems unlikely. Maybe too unlikely … file photo/the diamondback the “mad cheddar people will shell out” for students’ identities. “Fat stacks. T hat’s what I’m looking for,” Loh said, mentioning a partnership he forged recently with Experian credit agency CEO Don Robert to “make bank.” In February, university officials reported a massive cyberattack that revealed the personal information of hundreds of thousands to an See fat stacks, Page π “WE WERE SURPRISED BY THE SUSPECT’S PHYSICAL STRENGTH — 300,000 INDEX CARDS WEIGH ALMOST 2,000 POUNDS. DO YOU WANT A BITE OF THIS FROYO? IT’S REALLY GOOD.” SGT. ROSANNE HOAAS, University Police spokeswoman DOTS voids all parking tickets after discovering cache of Viking gold Expected $5 million from selling gold to Smithsonian will ease budget By Rich Whiteman @thedbg For The Diamondbag A l l outsta nd i ng u n iversity parking tickets will be voided today, DOTS officials announced last night after an archaeological excavation at the Prince Frederick Hall construction site uncovered a cache of Viking gold. Fredd ie Mac, a fresh ma n a rt history and archaeology major and metal-detecting hobbyist, discovered the cache yesterday afternoon under a porta-potty near Caroline Hall. The art history and archaeology department has valued the gold jewelry, weapons and personal hygiene devices at more than $5 million. “This is probably the largest hoard since Staffordshire,” said David Allen, Department of Transportation Services director. That discovery, in ISSUE NO. 91, OUR APRIL FOOLS’ FRONT PAGE DIAMONDBACKONLINE.COM Submit tips, comments and inquiries to the news desk at NEWSUMDBK@GMAIL.COM @thedbk TheDiamondback Scan the QR Code to download our mobile app the United Kingdom in 2009, was valued at about $5.5 million. DOTS will begin selling off the hoard to the Smithsonian in a few days, Allen said, so anyone who hasn’t paid their parking tickets “can just forget about it.” One piece of gold, dated to about 1030 A.D., had an inscription in Old Norse that roughly translates to “Leif Erikson wuz here.” The archaeology world is reeling from the news, which completely rewrites the commonly accepted history of European migration into the Americas. “It’s easily the awesomest thing I’ve ever found under a porta-john,” Mac said. “And believe me, I’ve found a lot of awesome things under porta-johns.” The finding also rewrites the balance sheets of DOTS, which has relied on aggressive ticketing practices for years to generate money. “Used to be, we’d tell our guys to go out and bag as many cars as pos- sible,” Allen said. “We’d have competitions. Whoever wrote the most tickets every day would get a big hug from yours truly.” Now, Allen said, the department simply will use the literal gold rush i nstead of ra ki ng i n more tha n $2.5 million from parking fines as usual. “All I can say is, thanks Leif!” Allen said while ripping up a parking ticket he found on his car. SPORTS OPINION JUAN DIXON GRANTED ELIGIBILITY ANNOUNCING ANTI-SUSTAINABILITY Coach Mark Turgeon said the program legend’s competitive nature couldn’t be kept on the bench any longer and Dixon will start immediately P. 8 SGA guest column: Join our new coal-powered club! P. 4 DIVERSIONS KANYE WEST TO STAR IN NEW STAR WARS Yeezus announces plans to play every role, Norbit-style P. 6

April 1, 2014

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