/ Mason Henry Summers
ten things that may be true 1) The US state of Colorado has created a legal precedent that means that sufferers of MPD, or Multiple Personality Disorder, can legally sue themselves if they can prove that one of their own personalities has done something wrong to one of the others. A 35 year old woman recently won three and a half million dollars in damages from herself after a personality called Derek was found guilty of sexual harassment in the workplace. The woman is a self-employed leaf blower.
2) The Universe is in fact a massive flat sheet of paper with some crudely drawn diagrams on it. The reality we experience only appears real, solid and three dimensional because we’re all off our tits on drugs. 3) Cliff Richard had to have a rudimentary third leg removed from his inner groin in the late 1980’s. Richards had first noticed a strange growth during heated sex sessions with tennis player Sue Barker, and the rapidly growing
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extra limb was one of the main reasons behind their break up. 4) Any chimpanzee who has ever had a Specsavers eye exam has received a 100% pass. Ironically chimpanzees have difficulty reading books in low light conditions. 5) In the “New Testament”, Jewish insurgent and political activist Jesus Christ famously said that it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom Of Heaven. Worried by this a number of influential Christian Evangelist millionaires worldwide have spent a small fortune tomsparke.com and several y e a r s developing the Camel Blender, an enormous machine which reduces most camels to a very thin liquid state in less than seventeen minutes. This liquid is then fed down a carbon nano-tube which passes through the eye of a very small, household needle. The group has set up this blender next to a Camel breeding farm in a secret location in the Middle East. They hope that if they liquidise enough camels and pass them through the eye of the needle, then the odds of themselves and various sponsors getting into heaven will improve.
6) A spate of spontaneous fridge door cracking has terrified residents of Athens, Georgia in the United States. The door crackings all appear to take place at seventeen minutes past three in the morning, accompanied by a loud crashing sound and a moan that local residents have said resembles multiple horses expressing frustration. No one has witnessed the door crackings in person. The largest amount of fridges to suffer appear to be under the brand name “SMEG”. 7) Historians appear to have discovered an unknown Shakespeare play written shortly before his death. The play “A Monkey’s Paradise” tells the tale of a man who lives hundreds of years in the future, in a house in space, with his wife and two children, a strange robotic housekeeper and the family dog. 8) Blackcurrants are legal tender in some parts of Venezuela. 9) In 1978 the CIA introduced an experimental psychedelic drug into the water supply of a small town in Siberia, expecting to reap the benefits when the town’s population turned on each other in paranoid violence, expecting to be able to weaponize this tactic. To their surprise everyone in the town turned into Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. All remaining supplies of the drug were flown into the heart of the Sun. 10) In 1973 in the small village of Ansty Cowfold, somewhere down south, a child was born whose parents named him Kevin.