Act Your Age (Script) by Stagescripts Ltd

by Christopher Wortley (assisted by Brian Clemens)

‘Act Your Age’ is dedicated to Tom Dodd, who laboured to teach me music theory at William Ellis School. Thank you.

Act Your Age by Christopher Wortley © Christopher Wortley 2006. All Rights Reserved This script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owner or his agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Act Your Age’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of Christopher Wortley to be identified as the author of the work has been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.

Published by : Stagescripts Ltd, Lantern House, 84 Littlehaven Lane, Horsham, West Sussex, RH12 4JB, UK Tel : +44 (0)700 581 0581 www.stagescripts.com sales@ stagescripts.com

Publication History: April 2007 : First Edition

Stagescripts Ltd Registered in England and Wales No. 06155216

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SA-0140 (Cast Version)

(Rev B)

Synopsis The action takes place over a 24 hour period in a large house in a remote village. The house is a clinic that offers sanctuary, rest, relaxation and therapy to celebrities, but it has seen better days: it has debts, just two patients, and all the staff have walked out except for Pat who remains loyal to the beleaguered owner/manageress, Valerie. Suddenly, there’s a chance of salvation. ‘Victoria’s’ agent rings. She is coming … right now! She will be checking-in as ‘Mrs Smith’. She may even suggest to some friends that they come too - but she expects to find no publicity, and a professional, well-run establishment. A crisis looms! Meanwhile, in the same village, there’s an old people’s home run by Mrs Hewitt, a headmistress-like woman who allows her old folk few luxuries. And they are in crisis too. A bungling workman has been digging up the road and left the old people’s home without electricity or water … and the loos are backing up! Under the impression that the clinic is well run and well staffed, Mrs Hewitt leaves her old folk in the care of Valerie while she and her own staff go off to find new premises. The old folk are a mixed bag : some are very old, some are rather younger; some are more compos-mentis than others. Valerie has discovered that they’re all a little star struck … they read ‘Hello’ magazine under the bedclothes. So they are easily persuaded to keep schtum and to masquerade as staff and as patients in return for the possibility of rubbing shoulders with ‘Victoria and friends’. The old folk, pretending to be new patients, join the two real patients:- Melanie; who, despite her claims to the contrary, is desperate to be unmasked as an A-list celebrity; and a middle-aged nymphomaniac, Angela who has attended the clinic many times in the hope they will wean her off men. Then ‘Mrs Smith’ arrives and, sure enough, she’s heavily disguised, but it’s Jenny, not ‘Victoria’. Jenny is soon to be married but first she wants to understand her roots. She was once a teenage runaway and so she has no family – but she has received a tip off that her mother is now running the clinic. She wants to observe Valerie whilst remaining unobserved herself. Then a succession of furtive people arrive to check in as patients. They are all assumed to be friends of Victoria’s and treated with reverence. In fact, each hides a different secret:- The Reporter; he likes to think of himself as a hard nosed hack, but he is just incompetent. He has got wind of ‘Victoria’ and arrives incognito hoping for his big scoop. Once inside, he smuggles in The Photographer, who is clearly in the wrong job because he keeps trying to take staged, arty photos. Then there’s the gigolo, Mario who is Angela’s latest weakness, and John, Jenny’s jealous fiancé, who has followed her to the clinic suspecting her of infidelity. The new staff must take over the daily routines and administer the various designer therapies. So, we have amateurs ministering to people they take to be celebrities and ‘celebrities’ who are nothing of the kind but don’t want to be unmasked. Not only that but more disasters in the workman’s trench have left the therapy annexe uninhabitable, so massage, sauna and other therapies must take place in make-shift rooms with make-shift equipment. Towards the end of the first Act there’s some classic farce, but set to music. It’s night time. Mrs Smith is creeping about looking for childhood memorabilia; Angela and Mario are creeping about looking for each other; John is looking for Jenny and The Photographer and The Reporter are looking for a scoop. All the creeping about in a large room with three tempting doors means they are all bound to be popping in and out unexpectedly. In Act Two there’s more traditional farce as patients and therapists come in and out of the make-shift, therapy rooms in a succession of complicated manoeuvres, narrowly avoiding revealing their ‘naked’ forms to the audience. Meanwhile, it seems that one of the old folk, Mrs Cousins, has broken ranks and told her son what’s been happening. Mr Cousins appears with his extended family, all pretending to visit ‘mother’ but clearly desperate to touch the famous. Mindful of Victoria’s stipulations, Valerie quickly tells him that mother is going gaga and that this house, which is indeed temporary home to the old folk, is really a boarding school. It certainly isn’t a clinic for celebrities and it certainly doesn’t have any celebrities in it.

Now it is the turn of the chorus to take part in farcical goings on. First, the old folk must revert to behaving like old folk in order to convince Mr Cousins. But then, Mrs Smith is seen to be approaching so Mr Cousins and family must be distracted whilst everyone pretends to be staff and celebrity patients again. And then Mrs Hewitt reappears. She mustn’t learn that her lovely old dears are being exploited and exposed to the corrupting modern influence of celebrity. So more panic sets in as the old folks must once again act their age. And then, as if all that wasn’t enough, a jewel thief arrives … with some stolen, diamond-studded underwear… still being worn by a mannequin. It turns out that one of the old folk, Iris, isn’t as gaga as she seems. She’s been using the old people’s home as a cover for her jewellery fencing business. Everything comes to a head in the finale when happy endings and plot resolutions come thick and fast … all set to music!

Notes About Names Throughout the story, everyone is convinced that one of the characters, who calls herself Mrs Smith, is famous. This person is only ever referred to by her first name. The director should choose a name that is evocative of a current, super-celebrity eg ‘Britney’ or ‘Nicole’. The name used in this version of the script is ‘Victoria’.

First Production Waterside Musical Society (www.wos.org.uk) staged the first production of ‘Act Your Age’ at The Waterside Theatre, Holbury, Hampshire in November 2006. Valerie ……………. Pat …...…………… Melanie ………...… Angela ……………. Mrs Hewitt ……….. Jenny (Mrs Smith) .. The Reporter ……... The Photographer … John ………………. Mario ……………... Gerry Jackal ……… Other Sunny Seniors Sunny Senior Staff Celebrity Sanctuary Staff Director Musical Director Assistant Director Choreographers Musicians Rehearsal Pianists Stage Manager Lighting Manager Sound Manager Scenic Designer Set Construction & Painting Properties Wardrobe Mistress Costumes Prompt Make-Up Advisor Publicity Advance Ticket Sales FOH Manager Box Office

The Workman ……… Alan Vicarey Anna Cousins ...……. Gill Dando Cousins Children …... Heidi Bottrell & Ian Pidgley Policeman ………….. Alan Vicarey Betty ……………….. Heather Watton Ellen ……………….. Catherine Moore Iris ………………….. Jennifer Edwards Joan ………………… Lisa Philips Joanna ……………… Kathleen Vicarey Josephine …………... Maureen Wills Shirley Cousins ……. Peggy Kemp Joe …………………. Barry James Muriel Abbot, Phil Barrett, Vera Chard, Claire Crayton, Gill Dando, Sue Forsdike, Dawn Hall, June Hall, Liam Hunter, Ian Pidgley, Robin Watton Heidi Bottrell, Catharine Leach Phil Barrett, Heidi Bottrell, Claire Crayton, Ian Pidgley, Liam Hunter

Jan French Christine Talbot Debs Rich Chris Stanway Dawn Hall Claire Crayton Robin Watton Liam Hunter David Putley Phil Barrett Ian Pidgley

Christobel Thomas Ian Peters Mark Ponsford Christobel Thomas, Mark Ponsford Derek Goodger, Paul Spanton, Alex Craik Rose Newman, Joy Reynolds John Goodes David Edwards James Mitchell Alan Vicarey Chris Byers, Catharine Leach, Alan Vicarey, Robin Watton Chris Byers Maureen Wills Muriel Abbot, Tine Ayles, Maureen Greenwood, Peggy Kemp, Catherine Leach, Kath Vicarey, Maureen Wills Helen Hodrien Julia Allen Robin Watton Robin Watton Paul Holyoake Kate Watton ii

ACT YOUR AGE MUSIC #1 - OVERTURE

ACT 1 Prologue MUSIC #2 - PRELUDE ACT 1 (DEPARTURE) A song for Pat, Angela, Valerie and a semi-chorus of Celebrity Sanctuary staff. Note that Pat is in disguise (eg false eyebrows and wig) and remains so until the last scene when she dramatically removes her disguise. It is the evening. We see Angela, Melanie, Pat and the Celebrity Sanctuary staff in the run up to Scene 1. The staff have reached the end of their patience having worked yet another full day without any sign of a pay cheque. Meanwhile, Angela engineers an encounter with a male member of staff.

Angela

How I love men with muscles. And although your clothes conceal them, [Copping a feel] I can feel them.

The staff member is embarrassed. Angela backs off, though, as Valerie enters L. Exeunt R, Angela and Melanie. The staff have had enough and resolve to leave. Pat remonstrates with them, loyally sticking up for Valerie.

Staff

So long, farewell. Auf Wiedersehn. Good night. We're off.

Pat Staff

No, wait. Yes, we’re off.

Pat

This place is rather dodgy, I admit. But do you really need to quit?

Staff

No pay, so we're off. [To Pat] We leave the place to you. We're off to pastures new. Group 1&2 It's time to say adieu. [Each hands in his/her notice to Valerie]

Group 3 Group 2 Group 1

So goodbye … … goodbye … … goodbye.

P&V

Must you go?

Group 3 Group 2 Group 1

So goodbye … … goodbye … … goodbye.

P&V

Must you go?

Group 3 Group 2 Group 1

So goodbye … … … … … … … … … … … … goodbye … … … … … … … goodbye …

P&V

No, please don’t go

Staff

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … to you! We’re off.

The staff exit L. Valerie collapses at the desk. The prologue dissolves into Scene 1.

Scene 1 (Part 1) Valerie Pat Valerie

(Depressed) So, that’s it: Michael, Sally, Grace, all of them - gone. (Brightly) I’m still here. Like rats, they’ve deserted the sinking ship. (Only now acknowledging what Pat has said). I wasn’t counting you. (Back to her theme). And why? I was a good employer, wasn’t I? (Pressing on without waiting for an answer). I didn’t berate them for turning up late. I didn’t stop them

from making fun of the patients behind their backs - and I only read their personal e-mails when I was bored. Oh, it’s all a bloody disaster. Another flaming catastrophe. (She takes a whiskey bottle and glass from a drawer in the desk. She goes on talking as she pours herself a drink).

Pat Valerie

Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Pat Valerie

Pat Valerie

Pat Valerie Pat

Valerie Pat Valerie

Pat

And I would have paid their salaries, eventually. I’m still here. (Resignedly) Ah yes, Pat is still here. I have a clinic full of celebrity clients, all anxious for twenty-four hour relaxation, pampering and exotic one-on-one therapies and all I’ve got to offer is someone who can change the light bulbs and fix the bannisters. (Puzzled) Valerie, why do you sometimes call them clients and sometimes call them patients? Most of the time they’re patients - but I call them clients when I’m thinking about their cheque books. So they really do have things wrong with them do they? It’s just that sometimes they don’t seem to be all that … unwell. Of course they’re unwell! You’d be amazed how many disorders affect the famous. And the treatments we offer? … The rest and relaxation … The various therapies? … … are all tailored to the needs of the celebrity concerned. There isn’t a toxin we can’t coax out or an energy-balance we can’t restore. At least there wasn’t whilst I had some plausible therapists about the place. (Brightly) Well at least we’re not really, like, full of celebrity clients, Valerie. There’s only Melanie and Angela and maybe they won’t notice that all the staff have gone. There is something faintly disturbing about an eternal optimist who has an inexplicable desire to stand by me through thick and thin. Well, they’ll certainly notice when the bailiffs come and repossess the building. I need another drink. (She pours another glass). Do you remember my first business venture - mail-order clothing? That’s when you showed up, wasn’t it? - and I hired you on the spot - mostly because you were prepared to work for a pittance. It should have worked, you know. Although I admit it was a bit of a long shot, specialising in designer swimwear for Morris Dancers. Now here we are, ten years on, and yet another business is about to go to the wall. Something will turn up. I take it back, you’re not an optimist, you’re a fantasist … I’ll bet, like any minute now, the phone will ring and some dead famous celebrity will be saying, “Oh, Hi, I just heard about Celebrity Sanctuary and I just gotta, like, check in and check it out for myself …”. Living in a fairy tale … No, really. The phone always rings at the critical moment. Like in EastEnders when Shirley and Ash were about to have sex for the first time. (Sarcastically) Oh right. I’ll just pop out and drag in some man off the street shall I? We could use this desk perhaps - it would be handy for when the phone rings, right after he tries for third base. (Pat is used to Valerie’s put-downs and is unfazed) OK, maybe that wasn’t the best example. But in stories, whenever things are blacker then black, the phone always rings.

Pat and Valerie stare at the phone. It doesn’t ring. Instead, the lights go out accompanied by the muffled sound of an explosion outside.

Valerie Pat

Well, Pat, it’s blacker than black now. I’ll go and find out what’s going on. Maybe it’s a fuse.

Exit L Pat.

Valerie

Or maybe it’s the apocalypse - just dropping by to consign me to the dustbin of life. 2

The lights come on again. Enter R the two remaining patients, Melanie and Angela who have come to find out what’s going on.

Angela Melanie Valerie Melanie Angela Melanie Angela

What’s with the lights, darling? Valerie, You promised me this place was secure. It doesn’t feel secure to me. I’m sure there’s nothing to be alarmed about, Melanie. Suppose it’s some sort of raid. What? Like SAS? Fit young men leaping about on ropes. Bring it on, darling. I’m here to be rescued. No! I mean fans; souvenir hunters. All pawing at us; tearing our clothes. That’s pretty much what I had in mind. Though I’m afraid your days of being ‘pawed at’ are only to be found now in the pages of your autobiography.

The doorbell rings.

Melanie Angela

Melanie Workman Angela Valerie Workman Valerie Workman Valerie Workman Valerie Workman

At least I’m not like you, Angela, drooling at the thought of bedding a squad of squaddies. Not squaddies, darling, SAS. Quite different. (Then, remembering). But I’m not allowed am I? I’m on a diet. That’s why I’m here in this God-forsaken clinic - to learn to think pure thoughts; to be weaned off the boys. (Enter L Pat and the workman. The workman’s face is sooty from the explosion. Now pointedly at Valerie). I’m being kept on a short leash. Who’s he? Why have you let him in? I’ll bet he’s brought fans with him? Vans? No, just the one, lady. Ford Transit. For me tools. (Disappointedly) You can relax Melanie, darling. He’s harmless, more’s the pity. Who are you? Sorry about the power cut lady. Bit of a mix up in the trench. I was going for the hard core but I ended up puncturing your feeder cable. What trench? For the drains. Drains? At this time of night? Terrible problems with the drains. There’s nothing wrong with our drains. No, not ‘ere. Up the road - at Sunny Seniors.

Everyone looks blank.

Melanie Workman

Where? You know? Sunny Seniors, the retirement home. Anyway, I’m well on the way to getting it sorted. And I’ve patched up your electrics. You’ll be right as rain now. Sorry to have troubled you ladies.

The workman vigorously shakes Valerie’s hand. His is filthy and Valerie examines the damage. Meanwhile, the workman moves on to Pat.

Pat

(Unimpressed) I’ll show you out.

Exeunt L the workman and Pat. The workman looks appreciatively at Melanie as he leaves.

Melanie Angela

(Trying to hide her pleasure) Do you think he recognised me?

Never mind about him, Melanie, darling. I’m not going to hang around in this place much longer if the lights are going to be turning on and off like a menopausal Christmas tree. And what about the sun-lamps … and the sauna. Not much of a Celebrity Sanctuary if we can’t have sun lamps and saunas. You make sure it’s all sorted out by morning Valerie, sweetie, or you’ll find your best clients … make that your only clients, are off to another clinic. Come on Melanie.

Exeunt R Melanie and Angela. Valerie slumps back at the desk again and pours another drink. She sighs deeply. She picks up the photo on the desk and looks at it. The audience can’t see the picture. Pat enters L soundlessly. Valerie is about to drink.

Pat

He’s gone.

The unexpected sound causes Valerie to spill her drink.

Valerie

Don’t do that! You creep about the place like something scary out of Scooby-Doo. It’s unnerving. 3

As Valerie is talking she struggles to put the photo frame back where it was, embarrassed that Pat saw her looking at it. Meanwhile, Pat rushes forward with a dishcloth and starts mopping up the spillage.

Pat Valerie

Sorry. Alright, alright, I can manage.

Valerie takes over the mopping.

Pat Valerie

Pat

Valerie

Pat

Sorry. Well I hope he knows what he’s doing or we’re in for an evening of explosions and powercuts … (absent-mindedly she squeezes the dish cloth into the glass and drinks it) … when what we really need is a miracle. (With great faith) Or an unexpected phone call. (They both stare at the phone. It doesn’t ring. They then stare at the free standing light. It stays on). It isn’t always the phone, you know. Sometimes it’s an unexpected guest. Like in Corrie with Karen and Steve – when Karen’s estranged father, Malcolm, turned up on their doorstep … I don’t know why I let myself listen to you. (The phone starts ringing. Pat tries to draw this to Valerie’s attention). I should trust my own instincts. I should take comfort in my ever-growing conviction that the world will soon come to an end and I’ll … (She picks up the phone and speaks automatically). Hello. Celebrity Sanctuary. Valerie Granger speaking. Right, well I’ll go and lock up for the night. I’ll see you in the morning. If Melanie or . . .

Meanwhile, Valerie is looking stunned. She flaps at Pat to keep quiet.

Valerie

Yes … (pause) … yes, well yes, of course. (Pause). No no, I understand. No publicity; no cameras. That’s not a problem. We’re very isolated here. (Pause while she flaps at Pat to find pen and paper which Pat finds under piles on the desk). Yes, I see, no particular treatment; just rest and relaxation. ‘Mrs Smith’, right. This evening! No no, that’s not a problem. We’ll be expecting her. (Pause). As well! No, we’d be delighted. Thank you.

Valerie puts down the phone and says nothing. Pat can’t contain herself.

Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Both Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Pat

Good news? A new patient? (Valerie nods). A real celebrity!? (Excitedly) That was …her agent. (Excitedly) Whose agent? (Pausing for effect) Victoria’s. (Very excitedly) What!? … you mean, the … Yes … Victoria! Wow! And she’s going to recommend us to a few friends as well; suggest they all check in as well to keep her company. When, when? Tonight. Victoria. Here. Tonight? Yes … tonight. Crumbs. I must go and tell Sally … and Michael will need to …

Pat trails off as the truth dawns on both of them.

Valerie

Pat Valerie

Ah, a little grey cloud is peeking out from behind the silver lining. I wonder how long Victoria and her friends are likely to stick around in a place like this, with no staff and a couple of washed-out, D-list celebrities for company. Well, I … Don’t answer that Rosencrantz … it was rhetorical. No, we are; how shall I put this, stuffed. Not only are we up the creek without a paddle but the hull is leaking and there’s white water ahead. It’s a perfect example of sod’s law.

MUSIC #3 – ‘SOD’S LAW’ A duet for Pat and Valerie who lament life, acting out mini-stories to illustrate the point.

Valerie

(Spoken) It's like when I'm trying to relax. Sometimes I get so wound up even Classic FM isn't

Pat

relaxing enough. That's when I fantasise about taking a bath . . . the ultimate most luxurious bath. (Spoken) Ooh yes! Describe it to me. What's the bath like? Valerie Pat Valerie

Pat

And in the bath? Valerie

Pat

Essential oils.

Wow! Valerie

Pat

The bath? It's sunk beneath the floor. Scented candles? [Spoken] Oh yes. [Sung] By the score.

By Dior.

Oh Yes! Valerie

Wait a minute, what was that? [Spoken] Bing Bong! [Sung] Bloody Avon at the door.

Both

That's sod's law. That's sod's law.

Valerie Pat Valerie Both

If something can go wrong, Then something will go wrong. The story of my life don't you agree? That's sod's law. That's sod's law.

Valerie

When the toasts slips from your hands, Ten to one it lands, Flat on it's face, just like me. The tunnel's black as coal, But then I see the light. God has sent a high-speed train, To run me over just for spite.

Pat Valerie Both Valerie

Pat

Let me set the scene. I’m cooking. A very special meal for that very special new man in my life. Mexican Shepherd’s Pie - that’s shepherd’s pie with extra chilli. (She mimes adding chilli to the dish, sucking fingers and wincing). Right. So where are you now? Valerie

Pat

Without a hitch, he loves the pie.

Then later, in his arms? Valerie

Pat

I'll get by.

And the romantic meal? Valerie

Pat

In the kitchen?

And how’s it all going? Valerie

Pat

Just around the bend lies opportunity for some. For me there lurks a hammer that is destined for my thumb. Ouch!

I get an itch

Where? 5

Pat Valerie Pat Valerie

Valerie

In my eye

No! Yes! Valerie

It couldn’t have been worse.

Well, actually … Don't go there! Valerie

Yeah, life’s a bitch, and then you die.

Both

That's sod's law. That's sod's law.

Valerie Pat Valerie

If something can go wrong, Then something will go wrong. The story of my life don't you agree?

Both

That's sod's law. That's sod's law.

Valerie Pat Valerie

Pat Valerie Both

Just around the bend lies opportunity for some. For me there lurks a hammer that is destined for my thumb. Ouch! That's sod's law. That's sod's law.

Valerie Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Both

It's an immoderate law, A shoddy law, An odd little law A God-awful law A ‘look what I trod’ in law. It's sod's law!

Scene 1 (Part 2) - the old folk arrive. The doorbell rings.

Valerie Pat Valerie Pat Valerie

Oh my God, it’s her. She’s here already. What are we going to do? Right. Stay calm. Presentation is all. Presentation? You go and let her in. Me!? Yes, yes and I’ll, I’ll …

Exit L Pat to answer the door while Valerie is left trying to think what she is going to do. Enter L Pat and, from the Old People’s Home, Mrs Hewitt.

Mrs Hewitt

Ah, good. Are you in charge here? Excellent. I’m sure I can count on you. (Calling off). Come along everyone, we’re in here. (She blows a whistle, a la Von Trapp).

MUSIC #4 – ‘SUNNY SENIORS ARE US’ A Chorus song. Led by a member of Mrs Hewitt’s staff, the first wave of Sunny Seniors enter L marching.

Group 1

Valerie Mrs Hewitt

Sunny Seniors are u., Fuelled by ginseng and Pro-Plus. Life begins when you get your bus pass, Sunny Seniors are us.

Well, now you’re all here, perhaps you wouldn’t mind … No, not quite. A few more still to come. (She blows her whistle).

Led by another member of Mrs Hewitt’s staff, the second wave of Sunny Seniors enter L, aided by walking sticks.

Group 2

Valerie Mrs Hewitt

Sunny Seniors are us. Fuelled by ginseng and Pro-Plus. Life begins when you get your bus pass, Sunny Seniors are us.

Mmm, well I’m delighted to meet you all. But perhaps now you wouldn’t mind … Just a minute. There are a few stragglers. (She blows her whistle).

Led by yet another member of Mrs Hewitt’s staff, the third wave of Sunny Seniors enter L aided by Zimmer frames.

Group 3

Sunny Seniors are us. Fuelled by ginseng and Pro-Plus. Such a long time since we got a bus pass. Sunny Seniors are us.

All Groups Sunny Seniors are us. Fuelled by ginseng and Pro-Plus. Life begins when you get your bus pass. Sunny Seniors are us. Are us, are us, are us, are us. Valerie pointedly goes and looks off L.

Mrs Hewitt Valerie Mrs Hewitt Valerie Mrs Hewitt

Valerie Mrs Hewitt

Right, everyone, this is the place. Any more of you? No, we’re all present and correct. And you are … Hewitt’s the name. How d’you do. I’m afraid we’ve got a bit of a do on up at the home. There’s some fellow out there in a trench and he’s managed to put his pick-axe through something vital. We’ve got no electricity or water … and now the loos are backing up as well. Josephine, I don’t know what’s so funny but if you don’t stop giggling I’ll send you back to help clear up the mess. And Joan I won’t tell you again about slouching. Stand up and be proud. Sunny Seniors don’t slouch. Well, Mrs Hewitt, I’m afraid that tonight is not … Good! I was sure you’d be able to help. That’s wonderful. Some sort of a clinic aren’t you? Don’t worry if you haven’t got rooms for them all. They’re used to sharing. Ellen … don’t do that. Right, best if I push off now. The staff and I need to clean up … and to look around for new premises. We’ll be back tomorrow to pick everyone up. Tomorrow evening at the latest. (Together with her staff she starts to go but then she spots Josephine holding something furtively). You see, Mrs Granger this is, I’m afraid, the sort of frivolous behaviour we discourage at Sunny Seniors. Josephine here seems to be under the impression that within the pages of this publication, (looking disdainfully at the magazine), she’ll find edification and wisdom. Alas, all she will learn about are the mating habits of (derisively) celebrities. But I’m sure I can rely on you, Mrs Granger, to maintain Sunny Seniors’ standards in my absence. I’m sure you too run a tight ship. No surfing the net, no DVDs that might cause over-excitement, no reading after lights out, that’s the sort of thing.

MUSIC #5 – ‘A TIGHT SHIP’ (AND ‘SUNNY SENIORS’ REPRISE) Sung by Mrs Hewitt, Josephine and the Chorus. During the song, more little luxuries are discovered and confiscated by Mrs Hewitt and her staff:- food, DVD’s and, importantly, celebrity magazines. Each item is placed on the desk.

Mrs Hewitt The chores are always done and that’s because we run a tight ship. Don’t waste our time on fun and that’s because we run a tight ship. No pickled onions under bedclothes when you run a tight ship. No watching Naked Gun. At Sunny S we run a tight ship. Stand tall. Stand proud. Don't mope. Don't grouch. Be bold. Be brave. [Spoken] And Josephine … Josephine

Yes? Mrs Hewitt

… don't slouch. We rise before the sun to show the world we run a tight ship. No money to be won from gambling when you run a tight ship. [Now referring to a magazine the men have been caught looking at]

No gawping at a stunner. That's no way to run a tight ship. No chocolates by the ton. At Sunny S we run a tight ship. Mrs Hewitt The chores are always done Groups 1,2,3 Sunny Seniors are us and that’s because we run a tight ship. Don’t waste our time on fun and that’s because we run a tight ship.

Fuelled by ginseng and Pro-Plus

No pickled onions under bedclothes when you run a tight ship.

Life begins when you get your bus pass

No watching Naked Gun. At Sunny S we run a tight ship.

Sunny Seniors are us

Are us, are us, are us … Are us.

Exeunt L Mrs Hewitt and her staff. The old folk start chatting amongst themselves. They are a motley bunch: some are very old, some are rather younger … some are more compos mentis than others.

Pat Valerie Pat Valerie Joan Pat

What are we going to do? I don’t know. I don’t think I’m in charge any more. Mrs Captain Mainwaring has taken over. I think I’ll just find somewhere to lie down. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe Victoria won’t mind having a few old folk around? You must be joking! Her agent said she wanted to get away from the public gaze. If she finds that lot gazing upon her she’ll be on the first stretch-limo back to Stringfellows. Excuse me. Can you tell me where the little girls’ room is, please. There’s one at the back there.

Joan exits into the lavatory while Valerie picks up and names a couple of confiscated magazines from the desk.

Valerie

Josephine Pat

Look at this stuff. They’re all obsessed with celebrities. (She picks up a confiscated boxed DVD set). “Celebrity Love Island”, (Director to replace with topical reference as necessary) … “the very best of the very best bits” … in four volumes. And this. (She picks up another magazine.) “Celebrities - The Naked Truth : Explicit photos they would rather forget”. (She opens it). That’s disgusting! Whose is this? (The magazine is claimed sheepishly by one of the male old folk). These are exactly the kind of people Victoria will want to avoid. Did you say Victoria?! Yes, she’s coming here … tonight.

There is immediate excitement amongst the old folk.

Valerie

But! … as soon as she gets here, she’ll turn around and go home.

There is general disappointment.

Joanna Valerie Joanna Valerie Old Folk

Why, what’s the problem? You are! Me? All of you. Look at you! (Indignant, ad lib protestations such as …) Well really! / Who does she think she is? / What’s wrong with us? / That’s ageism, that is! (etc etc)

Valerie slumps in a chair … but then, suddenly has a change of mood.

Valerie

Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Shhh. Quiet everyone. Shhh. I have an idea. Now, let me get this straight. You lot want to see Victoria … (General agreement). So … you’d all be willing to lend a hand? (More agreement). OK then. Here’s the deal. You must all pretend to be patients at this clinic. You will be celebrities, staying here in order to relax and recuperate and to take advantage of our extraordinary range of designer therapies. Do you think you can handle that? (The old folk discuss the proposition amongst themselves). If you’re convincing; if you persuade Victoria, then she’ll stay … and you guys will be rubbing shoulders with her all day tomorrow. That’s got to be better than trying to read these celebrity magazines behind Mrs Hewitt’s back. What’s more, if Victoria really believes in the place, I’ll get an endorsement – and I’ll be back in business. So, what do you all say? Will you be celebrities for a day? Let’s have a show of hands. (The female old folk indicate their assent. Joan enters from the lavatory and joins the group in time to add her vote). Good! (Valerie thinks she’s got everyone on board but Pat whispers something to her). What? Oh, apparently the men are less convinced. Gentlemen, let me paint a picture for you. Victoria and some female friends are coming here to check in for intensive therapies including sauna, massage and many other forms of relaxation that all involve wandering around the place dressed in nothing but a towel. (All the men raise a hand). Fantastic! Game on. Pat, you go and get some of those accessories we’ve got in the storeroom for emergencies.

Exit Pat into the storeroom. NOTE : The dialogue that follows is based on celebrity news as of September 2006. It needs to be updated a couple of months before the performance so as to reflect the news and gossip of the day. The structure of the dialogue should be altered as little as possible so as to retain the key features such as the old folks’ familiarity with celebrities’ lives - almost as if they know them personally, the reference to cameras, Loopy Lou’s introduction, the argument about star signs (because this is what prompts Joanna to look up the answer in her magazine and discover the missing page) etc. If the production team can identify (a) a celebrity couple (b) his celebrity ex, (c) another celebrity couple who have either just had a baby (“enjoying being a dad”) or are about to have a baby (“looking forward to being a dad”) and (d) star signs associated with the above – then only the names need to change. All the old folk are excited. During the dialogue, the old folk who don’t have specific lines listen to the conversation and have similar (mimed) conversations of their own - and they make reference to the celebrity magazines that have escaped confiscation.

Josephine Betty Joan Joanna Joan Josephine Betty Joan Betty

Which of her friends do you think she’ll invite along? What about Brad? Ooh, yes. And Katie. Don’t you mean Angelina? No, Katie. I want to ask her about her stretch marks. I didn’t think you got stretch marks with Scientology. I think she’s looking a bit peaky Katie? No, Angelina!

In the background, Pat enters from the storeroom with a box of sunglasses and any other accessories that might be appropriate for celebrities.

Ellen

I don’t really like Brad. Not since he told me there could never be anything between us.

Josephine reveals a camera that has escaped Mrs Hewitt and holds it up, pointing it towards herself.

Josephine Valerie

Hey, Betty. What do you think? Me and Angelina. (Seeing the camera with horror) No! No cameras. Victoria’s agent was very clear. If she sees any cameras, she’ll walk.

Pat snatches the camera and puts it with the other confiscated items on the desk. Josephine is nonplussed but is consoled by some of the other old folk who surreptitiously reveal that they too are hiding cameras. Meanwhile …

Iris Joanna Josephine Joanna Betty Joanna Betty

What about Jennifer? (She turns to Loopy Lou, the giant rag doll she drags behind her in a little cart everywhere she goes). You like Jennifer don’t you, Loopy Lou. Well she won’t come if Angelina does, will she!? Maybe they could learn to be friends. Not a chance. Jennifer’s Aquarius and Angelina has her sun in Gemini and her moon in Aries. I thought Angelina was Virgo. Aquarius. I’m sure she’s Virgo, Joanna.

Joanna goes over to the desk to retrieve her celebrity magazine.

Iris Joan

Josephine Joan

Do you think Tom’s enjoying being a dad. Well they’re all at it now, Iris … having babies. Soon there’ll be an Oscar for it: best baby, most interesting name, most exotic conception. Ooh, this all so exciting. I think I need the loo again. It’s not the excitement, dear, it’s the diuretics! Oh yes … now, where did I put them?

Joan rummages in her handbag.

Joanna Ellen Joanna Ellen Joanna Valerie

Look, here it is, Betty; Aquarius. I knew it. The media are always asking me about my star sign. That’s strange. That’s just the way it is I suppose … when you’re a hot celeb like me. Who tore out this page; the article about the diamond-studded underwear? (In disbelief) Diamond-studded underwear … this is another world.

Iris withdraws from the conversation. Meanwhile, Joan has found her bottle of diuretic pills. She reads the label.

Joan Joanna Joan Joanna Joan

Take four every two days. Oh dear. I think I’ve been taking two every four hours. (To Valerie) Tiffany made them, for an undisclosed celebrity. They are about to go on display in London before she models them for Vogue. I don’t think I’d fancy that. Vogue? No, diamond-studded knickers. Not very comfortable. Not when you need to get them up and down in a hurry.

Joan exits hurriedly into the lavatory. As she turns, she reveals some lavatory paper that must have got caught up in her clothing on the last visit. Meanwhile, the old folk start to discuss the advisability of diamond-studded underwear as Ellen hands round some sandwiches.

Valerie Ellen

Ladies and gentlemen. No more time for chatting. Victoria will be here any minute. What do you mean? I am here.

Ellen hands Valerie a sandwich

Valerie Ellen Iris Betty Valerie Ellen Valerie Betty

(Speaking loudly, assuming Ellen is deaf) No, I said “Victoria”.

Yes, that’s me. Does ‘Hello’ magazine want me for another photo shoot? (Confidentially to Valerie) Don’t worry about Ellen. She’s quite bonkers. Loopy Lou thinks so too. About that sandwich … (To Pat) I don’t think this is going to work. Look at them. It’s hopeless. (She bites the sandwich and gags). What the hell is this!? Snail porridge sandwich. This is definitely not going to work. Ellen does her cooking after lights-out so the choice of ingredients is a bit hit and miss. 10

In the background, Joan enters from the lavatory.

Joanna Josephine Joan Joanna Pat Joan Pat Joanna Valerie Joan Joanna Valerie Joan Valerie Joan Joanna Joan Valerie Joanna Pat

(To Valerie) Don’t give up so easily. It’s typical of the younger generation. We will all make

fantastic celebrities. (To Joan) That was quick. False alarm. We just need a bit of practice. What about the staff? What about the staff? We haven’t got any No staff! (To Joan and Josephine, throwing her eyes to heaven). No staff. OK, well, we’ll have to be the staff as well. Who do you need? For a start, we need a personal therapist … for massage therapy, stone therapy, cupping therapy that sort of thing. I can do that. Yes, Joan’s very up to the minute on cupping. And then we need a group therapist. For seeing-angel therapy, bio-energy therapy … What about time-lapse therapy. Time-lapse therapy? Oooh, yes. I read all about it the other day. It’s all the rage. I’ll do that then. And sing-a-long therapy. Sing-a-long therapy? Josephine can help with that. We’ll say that it’s a Celebrity Sanctuary special. You see, it’s all going to work out fine.

MUSIC #6 – ‘COUNT ON US’ Joanna and Chorus. During the song the old folk discard the trappings of old age (sticks, Zimmer frames etc) in exchange for dark glasses and other accessories to make them look like celebrities - all handed out by Pat. Joan, Joanna and Josephine are each given nurse-like staff uniforms.

Joanna

No need to worry No need to fret None so keen as a Sunny Senior Set us to work and You won’t regret Trusting old folk to amaze We’ll play our part as each one arrives Soon as we see them we will flatter and praise We know their secrets We know their lives We know their celebrity ways

Chorus

[Instrumental]

Joanna

We will chat about earnings with celebrity cooks While Joan, here, is rubbing their backs And we will mention how stunning each celebrity looks While crystals and stones help them relax Who’s seeing who in the celebrity world And whether they do Tantric sex And which celebrity boy has a celebrity girl Who's up for three in a bed with his ex.

Women Men

His ex? Lucky boy.

Chorus

Old folks should act their age That’s understood But deception is all the rage So let’s try faking it good None of us is old as such Now we’ve heard the call Watch us ditch the crutch Cheer us. We’re marching once more Stick near us ‘cause we know the score Fear us. Dad’s Army’s at war. Others Here we are. Dad’s Army’s at war We’ll be secret squirrel, Tenor/Bass Hush, hush, hush. Secret agents Hush, hush, hush. And won’t act our age.

Sopranos Sop/Alto Chorus Joanna

Leave things to us Don’t make a fuss The guests will find nothing amiss We’ve got off pat Celebrity chat If you doubt us then listen to this …

Chorus

My anorexia Hardly shows. Drugs make me sexier, But coke gets up my nose; I’m seen With Charlie Sheen In Hello Magazine, Chilling out at the yacht club, Or down the Casino, Or sharing a hot tub … With Quentin Tarantino, Oh Yeah!

Scene 1 (Part 3) - the guests arrive. The doorbell rings.

Valerie Joanna

(Panicking) She’s here! Don’t panic. It’ll be fine. But I do think someone should let her in.

Valerie waves hurriedly at Pat. Exit L Pat. There is an expectant hush as everyone adopts suitable poses for their new roles. Enter L Pat and Jenny (Mrs Smith) heavily disguised (dark glasses, scarf on her head etc). Just in time Valerie whips the camera off the desk and into the waste paper basket. (In a loaded manner) This is ‘Mrs Smith’.

Pat

Jenny behaves furtively. Everyone is convinced she’s Victoria.

Valerie

Yes of course; Mrs Smith. We’re delighted you could come. Welcome to Celebrity Sanctuary. If there’s anything you need while you’re here don’t hesitate to ask. Can we take your bag? (Jenny clutches her overnight case to her). Of course. I understand. (Aside to Pat). Designer clothes … very expensive! And when your ‘friends’ arrive to check in … (Jenny looks alarmed). Ah, yes of course. Discretion is our middle name. We don’t know anything about any friends. Please; Pat will show you to your room. We’ve put you at the back.

Everyone freezes while Jenny sings.

MUSIC #7 – ‘FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE’ Solo for Jenny.

Jenny

For once in my life, I can’t see things clearly. Can’t see what’s really important to me. For once in my life, I am sapped of emotion, Trapped by devotion that won’t set me free. Scared of what I'll find. A part of me I left behind. For once in my life, There’s an uncertain sky. A future that I can’t discover alone. For once in my life, My heart’s started burning, Constantly yearning for love never known.

Everyone unfreezes. Exeunt R Pat and Jenny. As soon as they are gone there is a buzz of excitement.

Iris Ellen Joanna

She doesn’t look like Victoria to me. Well of course not. I’m Victoria. She’s an impostor. It’s well known. They never look the same in the flesh as they do on TV.

There is general discussion. The doorbell rings.

Valerie John Valerie John Valerie John Valerie John Valerie

Shhh. Quiet everyone. This will be one of her friends. Make like celebrities again. (Everyone adopts suitable poses. Enter L John escorted by Pat). Welcome, welcome to Celebrity Sanctuary. Who was that woman who just came in? (Pleased with herself for spotting a trap … and in a loaded manner) She was ‘Mrs Smith’. Are you sure? Oh yes, quite sure. And you? Well I guess that makes me a ‘friend’ of Mrs Smith. Ah yes, we thought so … but we didn’t want to presume. May I have a name? John … John Popalopodus. John … (incredulously) … Popalopodus.

MUSIC #8 – ‘EVER SO DISCREET’ Chorus and Valerie. Unseen by Valerie and the new arrivals, the old folk try to take pictures of all the new arrivals. They manage to hide their cameras in time to concur with Valerie when she says there are no cameras on the premises. In the last verse, the old folk are spotted by Pat who confiscates the cameras and dumps them in the waste paper basket.

Valerie

(Spoken over the introduction to the song) Well … John, I do hope you’ll enjoy your recovery

period with us here in the sanctuary. Valerie Step through the door and wave the punters goodbye, For this is a fortress where the press cannot pry. Where discretion is assured, And transgressions are ignored, And the media never invade. [Some of the Sunny Seniors take on the persona of members of the press, mingling amongst the residents using improvised props].

Chorus

Valerie

We won’t bug your bed, And nothing that’s said, Gets printed … … unless you’ve been paid.

[A press member points a microphone at John …] […whilst another press member with headphones scribbles on a pad …] [… and a third furtively slips Valerie some bank notes …] [… who, equally furtively, slips them to a bemused John].

Yes, the game is in hand, The press understand, That cameras with priapic lenses That expand Are banned, so …

[She mimes, using musical pauses for comic effect].

[Pat ushers John off SR as the chorus sing …]

Chorus

Valerie Pat Valerie

Step through the door, We’re here to serve the elite. You can be sure we’re, Ever so, ever so discreet.

(Spoken over music) This is getting to be rather exciting (As Pat enters R the doorbell rings) (Spoken over music) The door! There’s someone else at the door! (As Pat is saying this she is already running to exit SL) (Spoken over music) That’ll be another friend. Are you all ready? (Enter L Mario escorted by Pat).

And you are? Mario Valerie

(Spoken over music) Mr Smith. (Spoken over music. Alarmed) ‘Mr Smith’. Goodness, you and Victoria must be very good friends. I’m afraid we don’t allow room-sharing at Celebrity Sanctuary. (Mario shrugs, puzzled). But we’ll put you in nearby rooms and I’m sure you’ll find time to get together. It must be difficult, finding yourselves some privacy. (Confidentially). But we won’t breath a

word. Val & Chorus We never saw you. We don’t have stories to sell. Step through the door, And escape from kiss and tell hell Valerie

There’s no need to fear, Someone from here, Slagging you off for a laugh.

Chorus

There’s a contract to sign, With clauses each line, Gagging each member of staff.

Valerie

[members of staff sign contracts under duress] [a hand is placed over the mouth of a staff member who is about to blab to a press member]

If things you confide, Get repeated outside, Their tongues are cut out [mimed mutilation … sudden silence] and preserved in formaldehyde, 14

Pat

Yuk! Valerie

so …

[Pat ushers Mario off R as the chorus sing …]

Chorus

Valerie Pat Valerie

Step through the door. We’re here to serve the elite. You can be sure we’re, Ever so, ever so discreet

(Spoken over music) Fantastic. Victoria; one friend and one ‘friend’. (As Pat enters R the doorbell rings) (Spoken over music) Door! (Without breaking stride Pat runs to EXIT L). (Spoken over music) That must be another one. (To the old folk). Come on celebs - keep it up. (Enter L the Reporter escorted by Pat). How lovely. You must be another ‘friend of Mrs Smith’.

I can tell. Reporter

(Spoken over music. Alarmed) Is that like being ‘a friend of Dorothy’? Look. I haven’t come

here to … Valerie

(Misunderstanding) … to have stereotypes thrown in your face. Don’t worry. We understand.

You have a public persona - a theatrical image - but it’s all a ruse isn’t it? An affectation. Well, we won’t tell anyone. You can be as straight as you like behind the closed doors of Celebrity Sanctuary. We let everyone be themselves. Chorus

If you can’t afford to be seen losing your grip

Valerie

Step through the door, And let your public mask slip. ‘Cause we’re blind and we’re deaf If a top TV chef [someone thrusts a chef’s hat onto someone else’s head …] Dines on beans and stale baguette [... whilst a can of baked beans, old bread and a fork are offered].

Chorus

We never debunk, A sultan of punk, [someone is made to look punk] Who likes listening to Tammy Wynette

Valerie

In public you are fey, And famously gay, But where on your iPod are Judy and Doris Day? So

[Pat ushers The reporter off SR as they sing …]

Valerie & Chrs Step through the door, We’re here to serve the elite. You can be sure, Yes, you can be sure, Won’t you please be assured, Chorus We’re ever so, ever so, Ever so, ever so, Ever so, ever so, Ever so, ever so, Valerie & Chrs

Valerie Joe

Please, … … be assured we’re, Ever so, ever so, Ever so, ever so, Ever so, ever so discreet.

Brilliant! Well done everyone. You said her friends would be women. 15

[Valerie pulls an iPod from the reporter’s pocket and looks at the screen]

[Valerie knowingly raises an eyebrow at the reporter]

Valerie

Did I? Well I wouldn’t be surprised if some women arrive tomorrow. And Victoria’s a woman isn’t she? Now, time for bed everyone. It’s too late for dinner but I’m sure Pat will arrange a snack for anyone who’s peckish. Sweet dreams - and tomorrow we’ll set this place humming. This is going to be the most sought after celebrity clinic in the country. Victoria and her friends are going to go home telling the world there is no place quite like it!

Exeunt all the old folk L and R as Pat enters R.

I told you. It’s just like in EastEnders.

Pat

Pat starts tidying up which takes her to the desk, where, unseen by Valerie, she picks up the photo and looks at it sadly. Then she hurriedly replaces it.

Valerie

I’m sure EastEnders never had a plot line quite like this! But yes, I admit it. If we can just keep Melanie and Angela and all our new celebs happy, this could be the making of me. This could just be the break I need.

Exit R Pat.

MUSIC #9 – ‘THIS COULD BE THE TIME’ Solo for Valerie.

Valerie

Could this be the time, When things start going right for me? Could this be a time, When the future's looking bright for me? Dreams dance in the air, Beyond the reach of those who mope. Catch them if you dare. Never give up hope. This could be the time when things start going right. Could this be the time, For providence to smile on me? Could it be the stars, Will cast their favours, for a while, on me? It's the lucky ones, for sure, Who win the Porsche or win the Jag. But now it's time to make the draw, My lucky number's in the bag. This could be the time when things start going right. Choices take us on a journey. Never quite know where. Take us far from those for whom we care. The future's not for plotting, you can try but if you do, A butterfly might flap her wings at you. Just to see her face or to hear her voice there's no price I wouldn't pay. But what's done is done and the rest of my life starts today. Could this be the time, When I put the past behind me? Could this be a time, When spectres don't remind me. Haunted by regrets, ghosts I can't escape. But now it's time to place your bets, I'm running for the tape.

This could be the time, This could be the time. I know life's not some lot on Bid TV, Complete with three year guarantee. But, This could be the time When things start going right? When things start going right.

Scene 2 – In The Middle Of The Night Throughout this scene, the three rooms at the back are referred to as the storage room (R), the lavatory (middle) and the office (L). NB ‘Enter’ and ‘Exit’ refer to the stage hence ‘Exits to the changing room’ means the actor is going into the changing room from the main room. Jenny enters R. She is looking for something. She rummages in the desk. Then she picks up the photo and looks at it. She replaces it and takes a well-read letter from her pocket and starts to read it. Then she hears someone coming and exits into the lavatory to hide. Angela enters L. She notices Jenny disappearing into the lavatory but pays little heed. Instead, she calls Mario using her mobile.

Angela

Hullo Gorgeous … No, neither can I … Ooh, what a naughty thought … No, where are you? … You’ve checked in already! Did you call yourself Mr Smith like we said? … Who’s Mrs Smith … Look, forget Mrs Smith. When are you going to come and … No Valerie has my bedroom watched. Ever since that unfortunate incident with the gardener and the ice cream van. … What? You can’t have lost it. Look, forget about your watch Mario, Darling. We’ll go shopping and I’ll buy you a great big Rolex if that’s what you’d like, but right now, your little Angela needs some TLC … No, your room is too risky. Come and meet me downstairs. I’ll be in the little room next to the loo. Grrrr.

Angela exits into the storage room. Enter R the Reporter followed by the Photographer who has been hiding in the garden. He has with him photographic lenses ranging in length from long to ridiculously long, all feebly disguised eg in brown wrapping paper.

Photographer Where the hell have you been? I’ve been out in that garden freezing my nuts off for the last three hours and I … Reporter (Stage whisper) Shhh! You’ll wake everyone up. We’re supposed to be covert. This is our big break and you’re going to ruin it. Photographer OK, OK. If anyone comes, I’ll pretend that I’m … Reporter (Interrupting) What are all these? Photographer My lenses of course. Reporter They’re all wrapped up. Photographer You said to come disguised. Reporter How are you going to get compromising shots of Victoria with those? By the time you’ve got one of those cocked and ready she’ll have her toes dry and her kit back on. Photographer You’re the reporter, aren’t you? I thought you were going to interview her. Properly. You know, like David Dimbleby. I can’t just leap in and take pictures you know. I need to get the lighting right. Reporter Need to get the lighting right? You really haven’t got the hang of this paparazzi thing have you? There’s no time to be artistic. It’s got to be ‘wham bam’. Photographer Where’s the creative freedom in that? How can I reach Victoria’s inner soul with ‘wham bam’? Reporter You’ve got to get in there, shoot and leave. Photographer Oh right, like a gun-toting, grammatically-correct panda Reporter What? Photographer You know. When he walks into the saloon, he eats, shoots and leaves. The Reporter stares at the photographer in disbelief.

Reporter

I think we’d better practise.

MUSIC #10 – ‘YOU’VE BEEN PAPPED’ Duet for Reporter and Photographer.

Reporter

(Spoken) Look I’ll be a celeb. A sporty celeb. Call me Linford. I’m half way through a

celebrity ‘fun run’ around Central Park. There’s a big crowd. Photographer (Spoken) OK, so tell me; how was the big send-off? Reporter

[Sung] Not

my best.

Photographer Why? What went wrong? Reporter

I fell over and they clapped!

Photographer And now? Reporter

I'm in a mess. I've just been lapped.

Photographer Now what? Reporter

Is this some sort of test? Look I've stepped, Where some dog's … been.

Photographer [Á la TellyTubbies] O-Oh! Reporter Oh sssugar! Here's the press! [The photographer takes a picture - flash bulb effects - and the reporter freezes in an appropriately compromising position, as if captured in a photo.]

Photographer Yes, you've guessed it, you've been papped! Both

The paparazzi, The paparazzi.

Reporter Celebrities do wrong. Photographer That’s why we tag along Reporter To show how very naughty they can be. Both

The paparazzi, The paparazzi.

Reporter We like to lurk about. Photographer So when celebs go out. Reporter We can take the pics the public need to see. Don't have therapy for piles. Photographer Don't have therapy for stress. Reporter Don't sell your story to the Mirror, We have trashed celebs for less. Photographer Smart guys don't do drugs. Reporter Smart guys don't do whores. Photographer When smart girls have a baby They don't breastfeed out of doors. [Both make a tut tut noise.]

Reporter Ok, I still think we need more practice. I'll be a celebrity again. Photographer What kind of celeb? Reporter The kind that has a temper! And I'm talking to this chap here who's in charge of my latest sponsorship deal. Photographer Right, I've got the picture. But why are you looking so cross? Reporter He's just confessed, The budget has been capped. Photographer So you'll get less? Reporter [Spoken] Worse than that. [Sung] The whole deal has been scrapped. Photographer I can see you're not impressed? 18

Reporter [Spoken] Let's put it this way. [Sung] He's cruising to get slapped! Photographer [Á la TellyTubbies] O-Oh! Reporter Oh sssugar! Here's the press! [The photographer takes a picture - flash bulb effects - and the reporter freezes in an appropriately compromising position, as if captured in a photo.]

Photographer Yes, you've guessed it, you've been papped! Both

The paparazzi, The paparazzi.

Reporter Celebrities do wrong. Photographer That’s why we tag along Reporter To show how very naughty they can be. Both

The paparazzi, The paparazzi.

So, watch out celebrity boys And as for the celebrity girls … Reporter Photographer Reporter Photographer

If you pout and look unhappy, Fall out of something strappy, Get off on wearing nappies, Or really you're a chappy!

[The photographer takes a picture - flash bulb effects - and the reporter freezes in an appropriately compromising position, as if captured in a photo.]

Both Reporter

Oh yes. You've been papped.

Quick. Someone’s coming. You hide in there. (He indicates the storage room).

The Reporter exits L. The Photographer gathers his lenses with difficulty and goes to exit into the storage room but comes out hastily again as if Angela has made a grab for him. He exits instead into the office Enter R Valerie. She is talking on her mobile.

Valerie

Oh, come on, Pat. How many times has Melanie said she’s seen a stalker lurking in the garden? Well, I couldn’t see anyone. I’m sure she’s imagining it as usual. (Behind Valerie, Jenny enters from the lavatory. She is trying to escape detection. She creeps across the stage and exits SR into the garden.). Alright, I’ll check out the rest of the house.

Valerie heads off L but then hears a noise from the garden (eg Jenny tripping on a flowerpot) and instead exits R. Enter L the Reporter. He knocks on the storage room door; which is of course the wrong door.

Reporter

Stay there, I’m going to track down Mrs Smith.

The Reporter exits L as Angela looks out from the storage room, puzzled.

MUSIC #11 – ‘YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ME’ A farcical piece for John, Jenny, Angela, Mario, the photographer and Valerie. What follows is farce set to music - a mixture of recitative, song and underscored dialogue. Angela retreats as John enters R. He is making a phone call on his mobile.

John

(Spoken over music) No I can’t talk any louder … Because she might hear me … Yes I know

she's a lovely girl but that’s not the point … No I'm not paranoid … Mother will you listen! … Because I followed her here that's how I know. John

Yes, it was Jenny. Mum, you know that I adore her But I saw her! She checked in as Mrs Smith. Very iffy, Mrs Smith Ever so discreet But I know she's here to cheat. Ever so discreet, she's here to cheat. Ever so discreet, she's here to cheat. Ever so discreet, she's here to cheat! And I know who he is I overheard him plotting He plans to meet her here. Perhaps she's hiding near. He plans to meet her here. Perhaps she's hiding near. She’ll meet him here. She's hiding near. I fear they’ll do it here.

[John starts towards the doors at the back but then hears someone coming so he hides behind the desk. Enter R Mario].

Mario

So, here is Mario I am ready to impress you And possess you Who needs Richard Gere When Sweetheart, here I am You shall be my ewe And I shall be your ram Who needs Richard Gere. Here I am Who needs Richard Gere. Here I am Who needs Richard Gere. Here I am

[Mario starts unbuttoning his shirt as he exits into the office (ie the wrong room). John leaps up from behind the desk and bangs on the door of the office].

John

I know you’re there, I know your game.

[Mario enters from the office with an unbuttoned shirt].

Mario

What do you know?

John

You and Mrs Smith. Have you no shame? Don’t you play dumb. Out you come!

[Enter the Photographer from the office].

John Photographer John Mario

Who the hell are you!? (He looks into the office to check no-one else is there). I’m the ummm, builder … I’m looking for dry rot. Dry rot!? Listen, I’d love to stay and chat … but business before pleasure. 20

Mario smiles at the photographer and exits to the storage room.

Photographer Must get on. The Photographer exits back into the office, shutting the door. John is bemused, but then realises the possibilities of the storage room. He knocks on the door.

John

I know you’re there I know your game

[Mario enters from the storage room without a shirt on].

Mario

[Sung across John]

What do you know? This is getting tedious, repetitive, monotonous.

John

You and Mrs Smith. I know that’s not her name. Don’t you play dumb, Out you come!

Enter Angela from the storage room, half dressed. John looks in past her to check there’s no-one else there.

Angela

(Flirtatiously) Well, what have we got here? You’re all fired up, aren’t you. Anything I can do

Mario

to help? So, Mario has been forgotten already. Mario will take care of his needs in here.

Mario exits into the lavatory.

John Angela John Angela

I’m sorry … No need to be sorry, Darling. I thought you were … I thought you were Mrs Smith. Mrs Smith? Do you mean that strange woman in a scarf. She went in there. (She points at the lavatory door).

John

Right that’s it! That is so it! (He bangs on the lavatory door). John

No you don’t.

[The lavatory door opens and Mario who is doing up his flies starts to enter].

John

Oh no you don’t …

John pulls Mario out and exits into the lavatory looking for Mrs Smith. Meanwhile Mario loses his temper.

Mario

Mario has had enough of this.

Mario punches John as he enters from the lavatory. John falls back and collapses in the lavatory doorway. The door stays open.

Angela

At last, a real man. [She takes Mario by the hand] To make me feel like new. [She sweeps everything from the desk except the photo]. Come on, let’s do it, Here and now

Mario Angela Mario

Here? And now. Here and now! No wait. Someone’s coming.

[Mario pulls Angela away from the desk. Angela exits into the storage room pulling Mario in with her. Enter R Valerie and Jenny. Valerie is very attentive].

Valerie

Please there is no need To be hiding in the garden In just a cardigan. It’s freezing Mrs Smith Very chilly, Mrs Smith.

[As Valerie sings, she guides Jenny stage L. Behind them, the audience sees a very long telephoto lens appear through the window in the office door and follow them both across the room].

Come inside the house Where we’ll keep you safe and sound Cameras can’t be found for miles around Cameras can’t be found for miles around Cameras can’t be found for miles around [The lens disappears back into the office. Exeunt L Valerie and Jenny. At the same time, Mario enters from the storage room, buttoning his shirt].

Mario

I’m sorry Sweetheart It’s no joke This to-ing and fro-ing Has put me off my stroke! [Spoken]

Maybe tomorrow, Sweetheart.

[Mario exits R. Angela enters from the storage room, still half dressed and holding the rest of her clothes].

Angela

Typical, typical, typical, typical, Typical, typical, typical, typical, Man!

Angela looks at John who is groaning and groggy on the ground in the open doorway of into the lavatory.

Angela

No, even I draw the line at semi-conscious

Exit L Angela. Blackout.

Act 1, Scene 3 - a bit later MUSIC #12 - ‘I WANNA BE A CELEBRITY’ (PAT & CHORUS) Note : Everyone can take part in this ‘dream sequence’. Enter R Pat, onto the empty stage. She is in a dreamy mood. She starts off shyly, dreaming of a life of glamour but as she gets more into the song she imagines more and more glitz – and the audience see her dream acted out on stage as she is fêted by the public and press alike.

Pat

Somewhere in a crowd Someone cries out loud Is it her?, Look! It’s her, Can’t be her!, Yes, it’s her Yes, it’s her It’s not me Who have I ever wowed? That’s why [‘The people’ gradually enter behind Pat].

I wanna be a celebrity I want my face on TV I’ve seen folk, at a stroke Go from pleb to celeb. Why shouldn’t that be me I wanna be a footballer’s wife What better life could there be The press would obsess ‘bout the sex and the cheques And people would care about me

People

Aaaah Aaaah Aaaah Aaaah

People

We all care, we all care what you do. We don’t care, we don’t care if it’s true. We all care, we all care what you say. Each of us, thinks of you every day. We read about you in our magazines. Watch you daily on our TV screens. We can’t wait to learn. ‘Bout each twist and turn. We all care about which men you date. When you dump them we commiserate. Your problems are ours.

Sops

We even send flowers to You Altos Yeah

Men All we think about is …

Altos Yeah

Men All we care about is …

Altos Yeah

Men All we dream about is …

Altos Oh yes it’s …

Men All we talk about is …

You You You You Altos We love. It’s … Men We love. It’s … You! Altos Oh yes we …

Men Oh yes we …

Altos Yeah

Men All we think about is …

Altos Yeah

Men All we care about is …

Altos Yeah

Men All we dream about is …

Altos Oh yes it’s …

Men All we talk about is …

Do You You You You Altos We love. It’s … Men We love. It’s … You! Altos Yes, truly Pat (with female semi-chorus)

I wanna be a celebrity People I want my face on TV I’ve seen folk, at a stroke Go from pleb to celeb. Why shouldn’t that be me Why shouldn’t that be me. I wanna be a celebrity I want my face on TV I’ve seen folk, at a stroke Go from pleb to celeb. Why shouldn’t that be me Why shouldn’t that be me

Men Yes, truly

We all care, we all care what you do. We don’t care, we don’t care if it’s true. We all care, … … … We all care what you say. Each of us, thinks of you every day. Each of us, thinks of you every day. We all care, we all care what you do. We don’t care, we don’t care if it’s true. We all care, … … … We all care what you say. Each of us, thinks of you every day. Each of us, thinks of you every day.

Oh, Why, oh Oh Why, oh Oh Why, oh Oh Why, oh Oh Why shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t that be me. Sop&Men 1 That should be you Pat

Pat

Be me.

Sops/Altos

Why

Men

Why

Sops/Altos

Why

Men

Why

Sops/Altos

Why

Men

Why

Sops/Altos

Why

Men

Why

Sops/Altos

That

Men

That

Sops/Altos

Should Be

Men

Should Be

Sop2/Altos/Men2

That should be you That could be you That should

Chorus

Be you.

END OF ACT 1

INTERVAL

ACT 2 Scene 1 - Early The Next Morning Throughout this Act, the three rooms at the back are referred to as the Therapy Room (R), the Changing Room (middle) and the Sauna (L). Note: ‘Enter’ and ‘Exit’ refer to the stage, hence ‘Exits to the Changing Room’ means the actor is going into the Changing Room.

MUSIC #13 - PROLOGUE ACT 2 ‘ MAKE DO AND MEND’ Pat and some trustworthy recruits are putting the finishing touches to their emergency plan to relocate the therapy facilities to the three rooms at the back (eg putting up signs, carrying in fires etc). Exeunt L all, as Valerie enters R.

Valerie

(Calling after Pat) Pat?

Enter L the Workman.

Workman

I’m sorry lady but still no joy. I should have you fixed up by the weekend but I can’t promise.

Enter L Pat, carrying a deck chair and an old-style electric bar heater.

Valerie Pat Workman Valerie Pat Workman Pat Workman Valerie Pat Valerie Pat

“Fixed up”? What are you talking about. You haven’t broken the electrics again have you? No. This time it’s water. We’re waist deep in water. Nobody can get in or out. It was an accident missus. While I was trying to fix the drainage problem up at Sunny Seniors, I was working on this pipe and … Stop! Stop! What are you both on about? Where are we waist deep in water? In the therapy annexe. That’s not too vital is it? That’s where we do the pampering. The massage and sauna and that. I’m rather partial to a spot of pampering myself. It’s not pampering. We offer ‘an extensive range of therapies’. All the equipment is built-in. I couldn’t move it out of the annexe. So I had to improvise. Improvise? Yes, look. The office will be the new sauna. I’ve fixed it up nice. It’ll be fine. It just needs this chair and one more heater and it’ll be fine.

Pat exits into the office and enters again without the chair and heater. The workman looks into the ‘sauna’

Workman Pat Workman

I wouldn’t have all those fires in there if I were you. Yes, well, unlike you, I know what I’m doing. That room happens to have it’s own ring main so there won’t be a problem. On your head be it, missus.

Valerie looks into the office in disbelief. Pat exits R.

Valerie

Pat

Do you know? I actually started to convince myself that this was all going to work out. But now I know that there are malevolent Gods out to get me. And they seem to be using you as their agent. (She advances angrily on the Workman who hurriedly exits L. Pat enters R, wheeling an ironing board draped with a tablecloth). And what is that! No, don’t tell me. Ironing therapy. This is the new massage table … for the new therapy room. (She indicates the name above the door. Then, seeing Valerie’s look…) It will all be OK Valerie. I promise.

Exit Pat, wheeling the ‘massage table’ into the therapy room. Enter L & R the ‘new patients’, Josephine, Joanna and Joan. All are excited.

Valerie Joanna Valerie Pat

Listen up everyone. There’s been an incident overnight and what with one thing and another I think we’re going to have to call the whole thing off. What did I tell you yesterday about a negative attitude. We’re up for anything. Bring it on. But it’s no good. Quick, the others are coming. (The ‘new patients’ adopt celebrity poses. Enter L Angela and Melanie). Come on Valerie. This is your big moment.

Valerie is clearly torn between defeat and masquerade. She resolves to go for the latter.

Valerie

Melanie, Angela. Let me introduce you to some of our new clients. 25

Angela Valerie Melanie Valerie Betty Valerie Shirley Valerie Ellen Valerie Joanna

‘New clients’, darling? Well, that’s something I haven’t heard in a while. They all arrived last night. You probably missed them at breakfast. They like to get up very early. I hope they’ve been vetted. None of them are press are they? They are all certified celebrities, Melanie dear. Some are almost as famous as you. This is Iris. And this is … umm? Betty. And this is … Shirley. (Proudly). I’m ninety-two you know. Shirley, yes that’s it. Loves to joke about her age. And we have new staff as well! This is Josephine and this is Joanna and Joan. (Holding out some peculiar food) And I’m Vic… (She is restrained by the ‘new patients’). So, today is scheduled as an intensive day of therapy. Joanna’s looking after the time-lapse therapy. Joanna? Yes, thank you, Valerie. As you know, t’ai chi has become so ‘yesterday’ … terribly tedious, standing there, rooted to the spot. Here at Celebrity Sanctuary we now practice something much better called time-lapse therapy. I’ll demonstrate.

Joanna starts demonstrating. The therapy seems to consist of walking about the stage with exaggerated movements, as if in slow motion. The ‘new patients’ start copying.

Melanie Valerie Angela Valerie

I’ve never heard of time-lapse therapy. Joanna’s very much in demand, Melanie. Isn’t time-lapse all about speeding things up not slowing things down? She may be unorthodox but (she glances around conspiratorially) she works with the best. Tom Cruise refuses to start filming until he’s had a one-to-one with Joanna. (Melanie and Angela reluctantly join in. Meanwhile, Valerie sees the waste paper basket, still full of cameras and takes one out. She whispers to Pat). I thought you were going to get rid of these. (Enter R Mario, the Reporter and John. John has a black eye from his encounter with Mario the previous night. He keeps well clear of Mario. Valerie hurriedly hides the camera behind her back, then says casually). Ah,

Reporter John Valerie Joanna Angela

gentlemen. Is ‘Mrs Smith’ with you? (Disappointedly) No. I was hoping she’d be here. So was I. Well, never mind. Now you’re here, why don’t you join in with the therapy sessions. And … rest. Very good everyone. Now, Josephine, here, is going to do some sing-a-long therapy with you. Ooh yes. And this new boy can learn-a-long with me. (She grabs hold of Mario). Can’t you Gorgeous.

MUSIC #14 – ‘THE SING-A-LONG THERAPY THING’ (JOSEPHINE AND CHORUS) Josephine Chorus Josephine Chorus

For a therapeutic sing-a-long, sing-a-long with me, Do you all see what I'm getting at? Yes we see. Just like Julie Andrews and doh ray me. Just like Julie Andrews and doh ray me. We never knew it but it seems it can help if you sing. Let's see if it truly will Be therapeutic when We learn to do the Sing-a-long therapy thing.

Josephine Chorus Chorus

To show that we're versatile. Let's try a different style. Yes, let's show we're versatile, And sing in a different style. We never knew it. Could it be we never knew it, Never knew quite what singing could bring? 26

Now, we love to do it. Can't you see we love to do it. The sing-a-long therapy, sing-a-long therapy, Sing-a-long therapy thing?

Valerie

Pat Valerie

Josephine

Here's how to raise a smile, Sing in Lloyd Weber style.

Chorus

We never knew just what drama singing could bring. Now we love to do the West End musical, Broadway musical, Sing-a-long therapy thing.

Well, I’m sure you all feel better for that. And there will be many therapy sessions as the morning progresses. Meanwhile, Joan will be seeing to your one-on-one therapy needs in the new therapy room at the back there. Sauna is available in the new sauna room there, and you can get changed in the err … (indicating the lavatory) In the new changing room. Yes, in the new changing room. But I must stress that space is limited to one person per room. So, if you’d like to make your booking with Joan …

Everyone lines up to book with Joan while Valerie collapses at her desk, worn out by her efforts at deception.

Scene 2 – Later that morning NOTE : This scene is a set-piece farce:- no music, little dialogue and a large number of stage directions. To help keep a handle on all the comings and goings, the action is divided into numbered sections. Most entrances and exits can overlap with the dialogue and with each other. Generally speaking, the faster the pace the better. Parts 10 and 11 can be seen on the Video Trailer available for this musical. The therapy sessions are well underway. An orange glow is visible through the window of the sauna. Pat is on stage. Enter R, Valerie.

Valerie Pat Valerie

Pat Valerie

How’s it going? Fine. I told you it would be OK. I haven’t seen anything of (stage whisper) Victoria, have you? Maybe that’s not a bad good thing. Melanie and Angela are bound to get suspicious soon and then they’ll blab to everyone. What about Victoria’s friends? Mr Popalopodus is in the sauna, (she indicates) and Mr Smith is in the therapy room (she indicates). No sign of the others, though. Have a look round.

Exit L Pat, as Valerie busies herself at her desk.

Part 1 John enters from the sauna apparently naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist. At the same time, Joan enters from the therapy room.

Joan John Joan John Joan John Joan Valerie Joan

(Indicating the room she’s just left) Mr Smith is just relaxing after his marma massage session.

Oh yes, Mr Smith likes a bit of marma massage. You know each other? Oh we go way back. (Confidentially). ‘Course, the therapy Mr Smith really needs is … colonic irrigation. Colonic irrigation? Yes, but he’s too shy to ask. (He exits into the changing room). Valerie? Whatever the client wants Joan. Right. I’ll go and get some equipment. (She exits R to find some make-shift equipment for colonic irrigation).

Part 2 Enter L Ellen. She is carrying a cake in the shape of a camera with a big lens.

Ellen

(Proudly, to Valerie) It’s a ‘celebrity cake’. I baked it for my friends. It’s made entirely of

chocolate and Gruyere cheese! Valerie realises that Ellen would give the game away if she were to come anywhere near Mrs Smith and her friends.

Valerie

Not now, Ellen dear. (Ellen protests as she exits to the sauna, unceremoniously pushed by Valerie as

John

John, now fully dressed, starts to enter from the changing room. Valerie bars the way to Ellen who is trying to enter from the sauna). Is everything alright Mr Smith? (With a sideways look at the therapy room) Oh yes, everything’s going to be just fine.

Part 3 Exit John L. Valerie starts to let Ellen out of the sauna but then hears someone coming and pushes her back in. Enter R, the Reporter.

Valerie Reporter Valerie

Ah, Mr Sylvester. (Consulting his booking form) I’ve come to ‘commune with crystals’. I’m booked for eleven

o’clock … in the therapy room. Yes, of course. The changing room is just there.

The Reporter exits to the changing room. Now Valerie can let Ellen out. She enters from the sauna looking hot and flushed. Her cake has completely melted.

Ellen Valerie Ellen

What are you trying to do, kill me? It’s roasting in there. You do look a bit flushed. Look at my cake! (She holds up the melted cake. She is upset and exits L, as …)

Part 4 Enter R Melanie and Angela.

Melanie

I’m going to try the ‘new’ facilities. I’ve come for a sauna. I hope it’s up to the usual standards, Valerie.

Enter the Reporter from the changing room wearing a towel about his waist. Exit Melanie into the changing room. The Reporter starts to exit into the therapy room but beats a hasty retreat.

Reporter Valerie Reporter Valerie

Sorry. Didn’t know you were … The therapy room will be free in a little while, Mr Sylvester. Why don’t you have a nice sauna before you commune with the crystals? (Opening the sauna door) It’s a bit hot. Regulation temperature … it’s set at the melting point of gruyere cheese. (The reporter exits into the sauna while Angela peeks into the therapy room and sees Mario inside. Melanie enters from the changing room wrapped in a towel. She heads towards the sauna but Valerie, who is getting quite fraught, intercepts her). Sorry Melanie. You’ll have to wait a moment. There’s a bit of a bottle-

neck. Meanwhile, Angela surreptitiously exits into the changing room, trying not to be seen by Valerie.

Melanie

Well I can’t wait all day.

Part 5 Joan enters R carrying make shift equipment for colonic irrigation – a hot water bottle and a garden hose with a large nozzle. She announces the procedure loudly as she starts to go into the therapy room.

Joan

Here we are Mr Smith, colonic irrigation. Mr Popalopodus tipped me off. If you’d just like to lie on your stomach and remove the towel.

Mario screams and enters from the therapy room, rushing past Joan with a towel clutched round his waist He tries to get into the changing room but it is locked so he exits R at a run. Meanwhile, Joan realises she needs the loo but she can’t get into the changing room because it has been locked on the inside by Angela.

Valerie

(To Melanie, with exaggerated calm) Ah look. The therapy room’s free now. (She knocks on the door of the sauna). You can come out now, Mr Sylvester.

The Reporter is heard crying out from inside the sauna. Valerie and Melanie peer into the sauna through the window. The orange glow is brighter.

Melanie

He’s on fire! Do something! 28

Part 6 Valerie grabs a nearby water-based fire extinguisher and exits dramatically into the sauna.

Valerie

Hold still while I squirt you.

There’s a scream from the Reporter who enters quickly from the sauna, drenched and with a charred towel about him. It has burnt holes everywhere and he is having difficult staying decent. He tries to get into the changing room but as Angela is still inside, it is still locked, so he rapidly exits into the therapy room.

Reporter

(From inside the therapy room) I need a new towel. Will someone please get me a new towel!

Enter L, Pat.

Melanie Valerie

(To Pat, struggling to be coherent) The sauna! Mr Sylvester! He was on fire!

His towel must have caught one of the bars.

Valerie reaches into the therapy room (making a show of not peeking) and retrieves the charred, damp towel. Just then there is a loud bang from the sauna. The orange glow disappears and smoke starts coming out of the door. Pat peers inside.

Pat Melanie

I think it was the water. It’s blown the circuit. What about my sauna? I was looking forward to a nice sauna.

Valerie and Pat whisper together hastily and mime to one another their plan: they will swap the sauna and the therapy room. Pat looks into the therapy room. She beats a hasty retreat making a show of averting her eyes.

Pat

Reporter

Yes there’s still power in there. Like I said, it’s on a different circuit. So we can use this room (indicating the therapy room) for the sauna and we’ll do the massage and stuff in there (indicating the sauna) as soon as I can get it cleaned up. (Angrily putting his head around the door of the therapy room) Where’s my towel!

Pat exits into the sauna.

Valerie

Don’t worry Mr Sylvester. I’ll get you one.

Valerie tries the door of the changing room which is still locked. Joan is now hopping up and down.

Joan

It’s been locked for ages.

Valerie hurriedly exits L to look for another towel.

Part 7 Pat enters from the sauna carrying an electric bar fire and a deck chair. She then calls into the therapy room – again trying not to look.

Pat

Perhaps you could send out the massage table, Mr Sylvester.

The ironing board is duly pushed out. Pat positions it in front of the therapy room with the fires and chair on the ground in front.

Melanie

I wish you’d get a move on.

Pat looks at the extension leads that link the electric fires together. They all look charred. Exit L Pat with the leads in search of replacements.

Part 8 Angela enters from the changing room dressed in a towel. Immediately, Joan exits to the changing room. With a conspiratorial nod to Melanie, Angela exits into the therapy room. As she does so she speaks …

Angela

OK Darling, there’s no escape now. Prepare to be ravished.

The Reporter rushes out naked, but he can only be seen from the waist up because of the ironing board, the table cloth and the chair. Worried about the intentions of Angela, he holds the door closed behind him. There is an awkward silence between the Reporter and Melanie who is standing in front of the open sauna door dressed in a towel. Then they start talking. During the conversation below, the Reporter tries not to be self-conscious about his naked state or the occasional attempts being made by Angela to open the door to the therapy room behind him.

Melanie Reporter Melanie

You’re staring. Sorry. It happens to me all the time.

Enter L, Shirley and Betty who cross R talking to quietly to one another.

Reporter Melanie Reporter Melanie Reporter

Really? Yes! It does. As soon as people realise who I am. Who you are? Oh! Of course. Yes, I see. You are … (Conspiratorially) Shhh (Conspiratorially) Oh, I do understand. It’s so difficult for people like us. Keeping a low profile. Avoiding the press.

Part 9 Pat enters L with the new extension leads. She picks up the deck chair and electric fire. The Reporter’s naked legs are now visible below the tablecloth that’s draped over the ironing board. Pat exits into the therapy room, and in order to do so, she pushes the ironing board out of the way and in front of the changing room. As she does so, the Reporter moves to keep behind the ironing board, letting go of the therapy room door. The Reporter continues his nonchalant conversation with Melanie whilst trying to open the changing room door to get his clothes. But, it has been locked from the inside by Joan.

Reporter Melanie Reporter Melanie

It’s the same everywhere these days. You can’t trust anyone. No ‘Heat Magazine’ have got people everywhere. I know, It’s the same with ‘Hello’.

Enter R a small group of ‘new patients’ who move downstage R in a huddle, talking quietly.

Part 10 Pat enters from the therapy room.

Pat

(To Angela, who is still inside the therapy room) Sorry, Angela. Best stay put while I finish

swapping everything over. Pat starts to move the ironing board into the sauna, the door to which is still open.

Reporter

Melanie Melanie holds inner edge with LH, and outer edge with RH

Pat is pushing the ironing board

Melanie steps behind the board to get out of the way. At the same time, the Reporter is edging towards the sauna to keep from being exposed.

Reporter

Melanie

Melanie moves behind the board

The Reporter and Melanie are now both behind the board in front of the changing room. Pat now moves to the other end of the board to pull it into the Sauna. Just as the board is about to disappear into the sauna revealing the Reporter’s nakedness, the Reporter grabs Melanie’s towel and pulls.

Reporter

Melanie Melanie lets go with R.H and makes a 1¼ turn

Reporter grabs with RH. & makes a ¼ turn

Melanie spins round as it unwinds leaving them both behind the towel, closely facing each other. Pat and the ironing board are now in the sauna leaving these two and their towel. The audience can see them both from the shoulders up and knees down – the towel hides the rest. They both look down and, realising they are both naked, they give a startled cry and immediately turn.

Reporter

Melanie Realising the situation, Melanie makes a half turn

Realising the situation, the Reporter makes a half turn RH

They are now facing in opposite directions as below, each holding one end of the towel.

Reporter

LH added

Melanie

RH LH added

Part 11 The Reporter and Melanie start fighting over the towel (ad lib dialogue). Meanwhile, a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;time-lapse therapyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; group start coming across the stage from L, led by Joanna. Their attention is on Melanie and the Reporter. Enter R Iris, who, as always, is towing her cart with Loopy Lou riding inside a little way behind her. She heads stage L towards the time-lapse therapy group, oblivious of the Reporter and Melanie. Melanie gets a good grip on the towel and goes for a winning tug. The Reporter realises he is about to be exposed.

Reporter

The reporter realises he’s about to lose the towel.

Melanie

Melanie Moves her RH back ready to tug really hard RH

Just in time, he picks up Loopy Lou from the cart …

Reporter

Melanie

The reporter grabs Loopy Lou … LH

… as Melanie’s hand goes even further back and tugs.

The Reporter clutches the doll to his middle – her arms and legs wrapped around him.

Reporter

Melanie

Enter Angela from the therapy room. Everyone is looking at the reporter with the doll.

Angela

Hey, lover boy. How come the doll’s getting all the action?

Angela advances on the Reporter and grabs Loopy Lou. As she goes to pull the doll away, there’s a well-timed blackout.

Scene 3 – That Afternoon All the old folk are complaining to Valerie.

Betty Josephine Ellen Josephine Ellen Joe Betty Joe Shirley

Where’s Victoria then? You said we’d meet her. Yes, I’ve been time-lapsing all day and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of her. I expect she’s got a special cream for that. What? Unwanted hair. I know where she is. She’s in her room. Been there all day. How do you know? I could hear her moving about when I tried to look through the keyhole. (To Valerie) Well it’s not fair. You promised us we’d meet her. I’m ninety-two you know. If I don’t meet her soon it might be too late.

General discontent.

Valerie Iris Ellen Josephine Shirley

Quiet everyone. Quiet. Maybe she doesn’t feel properly at home yet. We’ve got our disguises haven’t we? Aren’t we doing it right? Don’t they like us? I don’t want to get voted off. Ellen, Sweetheart, this is real life. You can’t get voted off real life. I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Not when you’re ninety-two. 34

Joan Joe Joanna Shirley Josephine Shirley Josephine Ellen Josephine Iris Joanna

Valerie’s right. Celebrities only ever mix with their own sort. The sort of people who buy diamond underwear. Oh, yes. Did you hear? The diamond knickers have been stolen. Smash and grab from Tiffany’s in London. Well, that’s it then. When we see her, we’ll talk about designer underwear. Or babies. What? I could say I’m having Leonardo’s baby. I’m going to have a baby … by my personal trainer. He’s a bit shy though so I thought we might try IVF. There’s no answer to that. What about cosmetic surgery. Surely that’s a hot subject. If we were all genuine celebs, we would all be talking about our little nips and tucks. She’s right you know. They’re all at it.

MUSIC #15 – ‘I THINK I NEED A LITTLE OPERATION’ (TANGO) Women

I think I need a little operation. The scales show far more ounces than before. To make my stomach flat, Please vacuum out the fat, Then squirt it back on top To make me bounce much more

Men

I think I need a little operation. I’m appalled by how much baldness is on show. Replace what’s gone from there, With hairs that I’ve got spare, They may be short and curly But at least they grow.

All

Make this bigger Make this smaller Make me shorter Make me taller Make my eyes much brighter And everything much tighter

Men

My nose points too far left And my chin’s an ugly sight Swap my cheek bones for my hip bones And I’ll be alright.

Women Women Men Women Men Women All

I endorse some strange beliefs That’s why my kisser’s filled with blubber I endorse Armani briefs So I’ve got buttocks filled with rubber [the women investigate] Reshape my pointy toes And reshape my pointy head Make my pecs stand out like air-bags And I’ll knock ‘em dead Make his pecs stand out like air-bags And he’ll knock ‘em dead I think I need a little operation. Once I mod my bod, I’ll feel a surge of life. I need to start afresh, So cut and paste my flesh, It’s time to get an upgrade, It’s time to get an upgrade, From the surgeon’s knife. 35

Valerie Joe

Excellent. Keep it up. I’ll see if I can tempt Victoria and her friends down for tea. Concentrate on Victoria. Don’t worry so much about the friends.

Exit L Valerie. Enter R the Reporter and the Photographer (who is now poorly disguised as a celebrity) in a rain coat with a large lens protruding from it.

Reporter

(Whispering) Now; stick close to me. And when we start to hear something interesting, you start taking pictures. There’s something funny going on with this lot. Photographer Like what? Reporter I’m wondering if half of them aren’t celebrities at all. Photographer They talk like celebrities. Reporter Yes, so they must move in the right circles. Photographer Maybe they are more in the … you know … maybe they work for celebrities … providing ‘services’. Reporter What! You mean like Divine what's-her-name did for Hugh Grant? (He looks sceptically at everyone). It doesn’t seem very likely. (He and the Photographer move uneasily amongst the group. They come across Betty). Hello. Betty Hello. Reporter I was just wondering … you must have a few tales to tell; tales from the days before the Botox wore off. (The Photographer thumps him). What I mean is … were you ever a ‘service provider’? Betty How did you know I was in service? Reporter Must have been exciting. Was it film stars? Betty Nothing so common. It was more … nobility. Reporter Nobility? Betty Yes, I had a few lords in my time. (The Reporter excitedly tries to scribble surreptitiously in his notebook At the same time he indicates to the Photographer that he should take pictures). Usually had me below stairs mind. Unless of course there were guests for dinner. Then I’d have to be at the ready; in case anyone fancied a little something during the meal. The doorbell sounds. The Reporter and the Photographer realise that Valerie is coming.

Reporter

We’ll catch you later.

Exeunt R the Reporter and the Photographer as Valerie enters L.

Betty Valerie

Now where did they go? I was going to tell them about the time I was under a Duke. I’m afraid Mrs Smith is still in her room. I’m not sure where her friends are. Maybe they’re in the garden.

Valerie heads toward Stage R but then Pat enters L in a hurry.

Pat Shirley Pat Joan

Which one of you is Mrs Cousins? I am. Why? Your son is here to visit you. Adrian! He never visits.

Exit L Pat.

Valerie

And how did he know you weren’t up at Sunny Seniors?

Shirley looks sheepish.

Joanna

You told!

General disapproval as everyone echoes Joanna’s sentiments.

Valerie

Right. There’s nothing for it. Quick everyone! Look old again.

There is much changing of accoutrement. Enter L Mr Cousins and his family, guided in by Pat, who then exits.

Mr Cousins Valerie Mr Cousins

Ah, you must be Mrs Granger. Mum told us about the awful problems up at the house. Indeed, Mr Cousins. It’s so fortunate we were able to accommodate all the Sunny Seniors here in our little boarding school – the girls are all home for the holidays. Oh! Really? We heard that this is a different kind of a place altogether (he taps his nose) … and that you have some very special guests here. 36

The Cousin family each brandish a camera (younger members of the family use their mobile phones) and everyone else recoils.

Valerie

Ah, now, I think you’ll find that your mother is getting a little confused. There are no ‘special guests’ here.

Mr Cousins and family remain suspicious as the old folk sing.

MUSIC #16 – ‘I THINK I NEED A LITTLE OPERATION’ (WALTZ) Valerie

Just your mother and her Sunny Senior friends. I’m sure you’ve all met before. Alas, they’re all feeling their age these days. Old Folk I think I need a little operation. As the years rush by that’s how to bid for more. I need knees with more elastic, And valves made out of plastic, ‘Cause nothing really works the way it did before. I think I need a little operation. Else I might forget what half my bits are for. Stick an implant in my ear, And then, perhaps, I’ll hear, And with artificial hips I’ll do the splits once more.

Whilst the music continues quietly, enter Melanie R briskly. Before she can take in the old folk being old, Mr Cousins points at her.

Valerie Mr Cousins

(alarmed) Melanie, dear, I thought you were upstairs She’s not old! She’s a celebrity!

Melanie feigns indignation at being exposed.. She points at the Cousins family. .

Melanie

Oh my God, fans! I told you Valerie, no fans!

Melanie rapidly EXITS L

Joanna

No, no Mr Cousins. It’s just her new tablets. Impressive aren’t they. We’ve already signed her to Pfizer. It’s a big sponsorship deal.

Enter L Pat, quickly. Pat gestures to Valerie that someone is coming down the stairs.

Pat Valerie

(Whispering) Mrs Smith is coming!

What!? Oh, um, Mr Cousins, perhaps you and your family would all like to take your mother for a turn in the garden?

Pat bustles Mr Cousins and family along and they exeunt R.

Valerie

(To the old folk) Quick. Be celebrities again.

Just in time the old folk switch props as Jenny, still disguised as Mrs Smith, enters L.

Old Folk Valerie

I think I need a little operation. The scales show far more ounces than before

(Spoken over the singing) Ah, Mrs Smith. Anything we can do to help? Always keen to help,

here at Celebrity Sanctuary. Meanwhile, Valerie has been keeping her eye out to make sure the Cousins family are staying in the garden. They aren’t!

Valerie

(Spoken over “ounces than before”) Oh, my God; they’re coming back! (She forcibly pulls Jenny off towards the stage L exit). Mrs Smith, have we shown you the kitchens?!

Pat enters R with Mr Cousins and his family just as Valerie and Jenny exeunt L and the old folk all switch back to being old again. The family continue to suspect the old folk of being celebrities.

Old Folk

I need knees with more elastic.

Having disposed of Mrs Smith, Valerie hurriedly enters L.

Valerie

(Spoken over “elastic”) Mr Cousins, back so soon!

The doorbell rings.

Old Folk Pat

And valves made out of plastic.

(Whispering over “made out of plastic”) The door! Another celebrity!

Valerie and Pat hurry Mr Cousins and family towards stage L.

Valerie

Now, you must see … umm … the attic!

The Cousins family exits with Pat.

Old Folk Valerie

‘Cause nothing really works the way it did before.

(As soon as the Cousins family have gone) OK, Make like celebrities again.

The old folk all switch back to being celebrities.

Old Folk

I think I need a little operation.

Pat enters L, in a hurry.

Pat Valerie

No, it’s Mrs Hewitt! (To the old folk) Old again!

The old folk switch once again to being old. Ellen, though, forgets to take her glasses off. Enter L, Mrs Hewitt.

Old Folk Mrs Hewitt Valerie

Once I mod my bod I’ll feel a surge of life.

I just came to tell you all that we should be ready to take you back in the morning. Is everyone alright? (General assent). Ellen. Why are you wearing dark glasses? We had her polishing the silver, and she found she was getting too much glare off it. Well, that is good news Mrs Hewitt. I look forward to seeing you in the morning.

Valerie more or less manhandles Mrs Hewitt towards the door. Exit L, Mrs Hewitt. Everyone is exhausted. They sing a final version of the song.

Old Folk

I need to start afresh. So cut and paste my flesh. It’s time to get an upgrade from the surgeon’s knife.

At which point they all collapse.

Scene 4 – That Night Enter R the Jewel Thief who has been hiding in the garden. He is carrying a female shop-mannequin dressed in a kneelength fur coat. Both feet of the mannequin are attached to a base. He puts down the mannequin and takes out a phone.

Jewel Thief

I’m ‘ere … at the rendezvous. I’m ready to make the drop. Where are you?

Enter Iris from the therapy room. She is carrying Loopy Lou.

Iris

(Indicating the mannequin) What have you brought her for?

The Jewel Thief jumps, but then he realises who it is.

Jewel Thief Iris Jewel Thief Iris

I’ll show you. (He proudly opens the coat of the mannequin to reveal some very sparkly ‘diamond covered’ knickers. She is wearing nothing else). What d’you think of that!? (Exasperated) I only wanted the diamonds. You told me to come straight ‘ere. So I did. ‘Sides, it didn’t seem very gentlemanly to pull off a girl’s underwear without her consent. Give me strength. Well take them off now … (The Jewel Thief goes to do so, but is inhibited. He tries doing so while averting his gaze but is still uncomfortable. In the end, he moves the mannequin in front of him with her back to the audience. His head appears over her shoulder as his hands come round and lift her coat. He then lowers her diamond knickers, keeping his head peering round towards the audience so he can’t see her front, but he can’t get them beyond her ankles because the base is too large). Come on, come on. We’re going to get caught at this rate. Why do I always end up

Jewel Thief Iris

working with morons? (Still struggling) It’s easy for you. Sittin’ pretty with all the oldies. I’m the one who risks ‘is neck each time to get the stones. Hey, I’ve had a very hard life; I had a traumatic childhood, I was picked on as a teenager in the Fifties and then I fell straight into an unhappy marriage. It’s no wonder I turned to crime. 38

Jewel Thief Iris

(Abandoning his efforts) Go on then. Give us yer bleedin’ life story. Tell us all about it.

Alright, I will!

MUSIC #17 – ‘A ROTTER LIKE ME’ Iris

As a snotty nosed tot I forgot when to squat On my pot and it got me chastised. As a spotty faced swat I was got at a lot By a hot headed clot I despised. Full of dread I was wed to a Ted known as Ed And he steadily bled me quite dry. I saw red when he said “You’re a dead loss in bed” As I fled I was ready to die. But I found consolation in thieving. As a fence, Life’s intense. Yes I found salvation receiving. Stolen goods, From hoods. You get nought if you’re caught but it’s sport of a sort And it’s taught me to court risky dealing. When you’re sought don’t get fraught, Overwrought or distraught, it’s important to chortle when stealing. But this plot is all shot. Yes, that’s what we have got:It’s the dottiest plot there could be. Great Scott if they spot [she looks around furtively] what we’ve got from her bot … [indicating the mannequin’s bottom and the diamond-studded knickers now around her ankles]

I will rot like a clot in the grottiest spot, They will not give a jot, That’s the lot. Of a rotter like me.

AUTHOR’S NOTE : The director can now choose one of two options. Either :-

Option 1 Jewel Thief

No, I still haven’t quite got it. Could you repeat that?

OPTIONAL MUSIC #17 – ‘A ROTTER LIKE ME’ (FAST REPRISE) Iris then repeats the song - significantly faster

… or …

Option 2 Jewel Thief

No, I still haven’t quite got it. If you could just say that all again … in a modern style I might take it in better.

OPTIONAL MUSIC #17A – ‘ROTTER RAP’ Note : A backing track is available and it is recommended that this be used for performance. Iris should have a handheld microphone.

Iris

As a tot I forgot when to squat On my pot And it got me chastised. As a swat I was despised. Are you surprised I devised A plot. To get relief I became a thief That's the lot of a rotter like I is.

Quick! Someone’s coming

Scene 5 - Finale This scene is all set to music – in the style of a Gilbert and Sullivan finale. Some is sung, some is recitative, some is underscored dialogue.

MUSIC #18 - FINALE (PART 1) The Jewel Thief picks up the mannequin and he and Iris hurry to exit … Iris to the therapy room and the Jewel Thief to the sauna. In his panic, the Jewel Thief keeps trying to get the mannequin through the door at the wrong angle. He wrestles for a while, trying to get the mannequin inside and then leaves her outside and exits into the sauna. As an afterthought, the Jewel Thief enters again quickly from the sauna, pulls up the mannequin’s knickers and exits rapidly back into the sauna. Enter L and R all the old folk, Valerie and Pat.

Valerie

Call the police. A stalker’s on the loose Call the police. A stalker’s on the loose. Come on guys, let’s get the stalke.r Come on guys, let’s get the stalker.

Chorus

Come on guys, let’s get the stalker. Come on guys, let’s get the stalker. Now!

The crowd raise their metaphorical pitch forks and exeunt R. Pat is left alone on stage, looking at the mannequin. She picks it up and exits L. The Jewel Thief and Iris enter from the sauna and therapy room respectively. Dismayed at the disappearance of the mannequin, each blames the other (ad lib mime). Then they resolve to find it. They exeunt L. Enter R Angela and Mario. They exeunt into the therapy room. Mario is last in and is seen by John as he enters L. John picks up a the photo from the desk as a weapon and is about to enter the therapy room and attack when he hears someone coming and exits hurriedly into the changing room. Enter L Pat, dressed in the fur coat. We can’t see what is beneath. She walks towards the front of the stage, looking out at an imaginary crowd of fans.

Pat

I wanna be a celebrity, No longer dowdy and cowed. To float in a coat, Just like this, Would be bliss. Standing in front of a crowd.

Pat poses motionless in an attitude exactly like the mannequin. Enter L Iris, with Loopy Lou still in her hands. She sees Pat and, assuming that she’s the mannequin, goes to remove her knickers. Both scream in surprise. Iris runs to exit L, pursued by Pat.

Enter R Valerie, the old folk and the policemen. Joanna Enters L.

Joanna

I’ve seen him. I’ve seen the stalker. (She describes the Jewel Thief). He was hiding in the kitchen. Policemen Come on men, let’s get the stalker. Come on men, let’s get the stalker. Now!

Exeunt L, all. Enter Mario and Angela from the therapy room in a state of ‘dishabillé’. Mario is exhausted. He moves to go off L, but Angela stops him.

Angela Mario Angela

Mario Angela

Wow! Not bad! and that was just round one. But Sweetheart, I'm exhausted. Mario is done. Not yet! I want more fun. With my paragon of men I want to go again. I want some more. I'm not so sure? Oh yes, we go again!

Angela exits with into the sauna dragging Mario after her. Enter L the Jewel Thief . He is still looking for the mannequin. He hears a police whistle and enters the therapy room to hide.The policemen enter L; run across the stage, and exit R. Iris enters L, runs across the stage and exits R, pursued by Pat. Some of the old folk enter L, run across the stage and exit R. The Jewel Thief enters from the therapy room. He has his back to John who enters from the changing room. Enter Jenny L, in time to witness John hitting the Jewel Thief over the head with the photo frame, knocking him out cold.

Jenny John Jenny

John! What are you doing here? What have you done? (Surprised and confused) Jenny! I thought you were … in there … (He points at the therapy room) … with him. (Pointing at the figure at his feet who is slowly coming round). Him!?

John looks at the jewel thief and realises he’s got the wrong man. Enter Mario from the sauna.

John

No, him!

Enter L Mrs Hewitt and her staff. Enter R everyone else (except Valerie, Pat and Iris). Everyone is talking excitedly. The Policeman inspects the prone Jewel Thief.

Policeman

That’s no stalker. That’s Gerry Jackal the Jewel Thief. (To John). Well done, Sir.

The policemen arrest the Jewel Thief as Valerie enters L.

Valerie

I’ve just had Victoria’s agent on the phone … telling me that she’s not coming after all! So, (to Jenny) who the hell are you!

Jenny is taken aback for a moment but then goes on the offensive.

Jenny Valerie Jenny

Who the hell am I? That’s so typical of you that is. Can’t see what’s under your bloody nose. Always, like, planning and plotting. Never giving a thought for other people. Oh my God! Yeah, that’s right.

Jenny removes her scarf and disguise.

Valerie Jenny

Jenny! Couldn’t even recognise your own daughter.

Everyone reacts in amazement.

Valerie Jenny

Jenny sweetheart, You were only fifteen. It’s been ten years. Has it? I bet you hardly noticed. You certainly got rid of my stuff soon enough. One lousy photo and that’s it. Nothing else. I looked!

While they’ve been arguing John has been fiddling with the now-broken photo frame. He looks down and takes out a hand-made birthday card that has been hidden behind the photo. Now Valerie goes on the offensive.

Valerie Jenny Valerie Jenny John Jenny

Alright, that’s enough young lady. I’m not the one who ran away. I’m not the one who never once called to say she was alright. I so don’t need to hear this. No? well you’d better listen carefully. You just don’t understand. Our relationship has been one big train crash, right from the start. Jen. What’s this? What?

John hands over the card. Jenny takes it and looks carefully.

Jenny

(To Valerie) We made this. (Valerie nods, trying to hold back tears). When I was little. When I

Valerie Jenny Valerie Jenny Valerie

Jenny

had chicken pox. It was a birthday card for Gran. We made it together. But we never finished it. You weren’t well enough, sweetheart. Why did you keep it? It was stupid of me. Mum. Tell me. Why did you keep it? (Now crying) It’s stupid. I found it when I moved out of the house. I wanted you to come back. I wanted to finish making it together; to start again. I thought if I kept hold of it, if I didn’t give up on you, one day you’d come back to me. Oh Mum!

Jenny and Valerie embrace in tears. Then they break apart.

Valerie

So, (indicating John), who is this great lummox?

John and Jenny look at one another, uncertain.

John Jenny John Jenny John Jenny John Valerie Joanna

I guess I should have trusted you, Jen, but I … Yes, you should. But you … you were so secretive. (Jenny says nothing). Jen, I … What? Tell me! Nothing. Yeah, nothing. That just about sums us up right now. What are you saying … that’s it all over? No more wedding; no more us? Is that what you want? Well you won’t catch me crying into my pillow, I can tell you. So, I guess that’s goodbyes all round. Cheerio, John. No. Wait.

MUSIC #19 – FINALE (PART 2) ‘FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE’ (REPRISE) Joanna

Valerie Joanna

Don’t give up on young love so easily. John

For once in my life Why can't I stop concealing, Say what I'm feeling Before it's too late.

Jenny

If for once in my life I'm finally free, Finally me Why do I hesitate?

See. It’s all over. I told you. No, wait.

Jenny

For once in my life Why can't I stop concealing, Say what I'm feeling Before it's too late.

John

… some courage … 'Cause I … … can't let love … … slip away.

If for once in my life I'm finally free, Finally me Why do I hesitate? John Jenny John Jenny John Jenny John Jenny

But it's dumb … … to break up, Time to wake up … … and show …

I've been a fool . . . No, it's me But this fool . . . I'm scared Loves you! No, don't Don't you love me too? You know that I do!

[They run into each other’s arms, kiss passionately and then break apart reluctantly to sing.]

Both

For once in my life I have no hesitation No words to say when I look in your eyes.

Enter R Pat, pulling Iris behind her who is now trussed up in electrical cable. Pat hands Iris to the puzzled policemen.

MUSIC #20 - FINALE (PART 3) Valerie Pat Iris Jewel Thief

Pat! What are you doing!? He may be the thief, but this is the fence. You've got nothing on me. [Pointing to the jewel thief] This man attacked me!

I should have known I couldn't trust a traitorous rotter like you. Officers! I suggest you conduct an intimate body search on the doll.

The policeman does so and finds lots of jewels and money inside the doll.

Policeman Jenny Valerie

Alright Grandma, you're nicked! They're beautiful. Never mind the jewels, young lady … Valerie Jenny Valerie Jenny Valerie Jenny Valerie Pat

Why did you run away, didn't say anything. You never listened to me … ‘Course I listened to you … … Ended up confiding in the cleaner. Confiding in the cleaner!? The cleaner. You ended up confiding in the cleaner? Yes, it was me!

[Pat dramatically removes her disguise (eg wig and false eyebrows) to reveal herself as Valerie’s cleaner from ten years ago. There is a collective intake of breath].

Everyone Jenny

It was you who told me to follow my dreams? Pat

Valerie

Yes, It was me!

It was you who made her run away! Pat

Valerie

You!?

Yes, It was me!

And then you felt guilty I suppose and that's why you came back in disguise and worked for me. 43

But Mum, she also brought us back together. Look. This letter … (she takes out the well-read letter) … saying that I'd find you here. You wrote it didn't you?

Jenny

Pat

Yes, It was me!

[Group hug].

Chorus

No use pretending, things like this make us cry. A nice happy ending brings a tear to the eye.

Photographer We’d like to announce our own happy ending. We’re going to set up a fashion magazine together. I’m going to do the photography … Mario And Mario is going to be the model. Angela Modelling! What a waste of your wonderful … talent. Photographer You’ll have to make do with the pictures. Angela Not me, Sweetie. I’m cured! That’s my announcement. No more men for me. And it’s all thanks to this wonderful clinic. I’m going to be spreading the word Valerie, darling. This place of yours is kicking. Give me a week or so and celebs will be fighting to get in. Chorus Mrs Hewitt

No use pretending, things like this make us cry. A nice happy ending brings a tear to the eye.

I have an announcement too. I’ve come to realise I’m a teensy bit of a control freak. So I am going to book myself in to this excellent clinic for therapy. Sunny Seniors … you are all going to have to look after yourselves for a while.

The old folk cheer.

Jewel Thief Melanie

Excuse me Miss Melanie, is it really you? I think you’re confusing me with someone else. I’m just a washed up has-been. (She bursts into tears).

Jewel Thief Melanie Jewel Thief Melanie

Oh no, Miss Melanie. Never that. You were my pin up when I was little. I wonder if I could be cheeky and ask you to visit me in prison. Become a prison visitor? You really want me to? Not ‘alf. Then yes, I will! Chorus No use pretending, things like this make us cry. A nice happy ending, A nice happy ending, A nice happy ending Makes our hands clap and it makes our toes tappy. It makes our hands clap and it makes our toes tappy. A nice happy ending makes us feel ever so, Makes the show ever so, Ever so, ever so complete Old folk should act their age. That's understood. But deception is all the rage So we'll be faking it good. None of us is old as such. When we hear the call, watch us ditch the crutch. Chorus 1

Cheer us. We're marching once more. Stick near us 'cause we know the score. Fear us. Dad's Army's at war. We shall play our part on life's rich stage and never once act … our age. 44

Chorus 2 Cheer … us, we’re … marching, marching once more. Here comes Dad's Army. … We’ll play our part on life's rich stage … … and never, ever act our age.

Pat

But I still wanna be a celebrity …

Reporter

Well maybe I could help you there. I’m going to turn game-keeper and become a celebrity publicist. Just call me Max. Pat I still want my face on TV …

Reporter

We just need some photos of you in that coat … and whatever you’ve got on underneath. Has anyone got a camera?

The photographer, the old folk and all the Cousins family eagerly step forward brandishing cameras.

Sops

Yes, We’re gonna make you a celebrity Altos You’re gonna fake it good too. …We’ve seen folk at a stroke go from pleb to celeb Why shouldn’t that be …

Make you a celebrity … You’re gonna fake it good too.

Men Make you a celeb

… Fake it good too. … Folk … stroke

You’re gonna fake it good too. … Folk … stroke

pleb … to celeb

[Pat turns upstage and opens her coat. Everyone gasps. It is most effective if a spotlight can be trained on Pat from upstage so as to light up her ‘diamond underwear’ (which, in reality, might be a mirrored leotard) so that the audience sees sparkling lights reflected from her on the back of the stage].

Chorus

You! That will be you. That will be …

[Flash bulbs go off].

… you!

THE END

Also by Christopher Wortley …

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Gingerbread Jinx Using Humperdinck’s music, the story of Hansel and Gretel . . . as eco-warriors . . . in pantomime style.

Ready Steady Cook Two culinary teams compete in G&S style

Sleeping Beauty A retelling of the famous fairy tale – with music from Tchaikovsky’s ballet – and featuring the benefits of anti-ageing cream.

Orpheus Can’t But Pluto Can-Can Offenbach’s Orpheus – with much anticipation of the impending orgy

Miss Swan Lake With music from Tchaikovsky’s ballet, learn how the story of Swan Lake can be easily muddled with Miss Saigon.

Well-loved musical excerpts from Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Sullivan, Humperdinck and Offenbach ... Originally commissioned and performed by the professional touring theatre company, Fingask Follies The perfect dramatic centrepiece to your ‘songs-from-the-shows’ concert ... A chance for your most operatically inclined singers to show off their voices ...