For eight years, I lived in terror, sleeping in gutters or, if I was lucky enough, a homeless shelter that would be willing to take us both in. On other nights, we would break into abandoned homes or try to stay with so-called friends, which I would ultimately end up regretting since they were more of the acquaintance type, who were also addicts. They were encouraging him to binge even more since users need other users to fuel their craziness. Anywhere and everywhere we went was temporary, especially since he just couldn't stop his possessive ways with me. People started to become afraid of him and couldn't stand to watch him manhandle me. He would graze his fingers over my scars, apologizing for his mishaps, but I never cried over my wounds. The visible marks were meager in comparison to the gash that was imbedded my heart. Cash was always scarce. I would do my best in trying to hide it from him, but then he would just beat me until I'd give it up. This sickening relationship lasted as long as it did, out of trepidation, the fear of losing my one true love. Yet at that time, I didn't really understand what love was supposed to be. My spirit and identity, destroyed and compromised. I was left as a mere shell of a person. I can't even say that I was a woman. Confused and forsaken, I was lost in my own hopelessness. Not understanding my true purpose in this world, I accepted my life to be this way—to never to speak, unless spoken to and be subjected to his daily body inspections. I didn't know that this was not considered normal. Nothing up to this point seemed abnormal until life was conceived within me. The realism hit when I felt my child move for the very first time. I was about five months pregnant when people started to notice my bulging hips and not so flat tummy. The increasing amount of food I was ingesting proved I was feeding two. I could feel her fingers strum across the inside of my belly. She would take her heels to push off my side and swim from my rib to my bladder to wherever. She gave me hope. Life was growing inside me. The excitement of pure unadulterated love began to grow from within and shined through me. It was then I realized who I was, and was supposed to be. A mother, her protector, her advocate, this was what was expected from me, and I was ready. When my daughter, Taki, arrived into the world, she command-
8