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and don’t have more than five or six years left. I haven’t told my wife. We had lived together for seven years when she cheated on me the first time. We got back together, but we continued to live separately. Then I cheated on her. We got back together again but continued living apart. After a year of therapy, we got married, but again we kept our households separate. Fast-forward one eviction and three years of living in a studio driving each other crazy, and she cheated on me again — in our house. I moved out instantly. A few months and a terminal diagnosis later, I don’t have the will to file the divorce paperwork. We’ve talked a few times about trying to fix us, but I don’t know if I can ride this roller coaster anymore. I also don’t want to waste the rest of my life being a divorced 40-something, but I feel idiotic trying to fix our fucked-up relationship.
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Dear Dan: I have a slowly terminal disease
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ient connection. Some intangible something or other has pulled you toward each other despite infidelities on both sides. Reading between the lines — and ignoring the acronym your sign-off creates — it doesn’t sound like being alone and your terminal illness are the only reasons for hesitating to file divorce papers. It sounds like you love your wife and she loves you. Imperfectly. And maybe your semi-imminent death is putting those infidelities in their semi-proper perspective. I think, on some level, you recognize that your actual, existing, loving-butflawed marital relationship should be given more weight than the marital ideal that you’ve both fallen short of, i.e., a flawlessly executed monogamous commitment. I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I hope your remaining years are rich and rewarding, and it would be a shame if you had to face them alone. Maybe if you two changed your expectations of each other, you two would be less disappointed in each other. Good luck.
Dear Dan: Are there kinky people interested in BDSM without sex? I’m an early 40s gal living in the Midwest. I’m in a decent-to-great marriage, have two kids, a good life. But my husband is not kinky at all. I feel like I’ve done all I can to get him comfortable with rough sex, power play, etc., but our sex life is almost totally vanilla. I enjoy the sex we have, but not being all of who I am sexually is making me resentful, miserable and desperate. I think he has just been hoping my desires would go away. They have not, of course, and will not. But I can’t see breaking up my marriage over this! My desires for intense physical play, D/s, role-play, etc., are only getting stronger. Is it even worth trying to find people to play with
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who would be OK with no sex? I think I could be happy staying monogamous if I could just get some of my needs met elsewhere.
Sincerely Longing in Midwest Dear SLIM: There are lots of people involved in
the organized kink scene who do BDSM without the sex, folks like you who wanna do BDSM while remaining vanilla/technically faithful to their nonkinky partners at home. You don’t mention having your husband’s OK to outsource your kinks. You need to. The more involved you get in the organized kink scene, the more potential play partners you’ll have to choose from. The more play partners you have to choose from, the safer you’re going to be — and the less likely you are to be manipulated into going further than you want. A guy who knows that (1) he’s your only outlet for BDSM play, (2) you had a hard enough time finding him, and (3) you’re hiding him from your husband is a guy with too much power over you — that’s a guy who could, after one or two sessions, make upgrading to full sex a condition of your continuing to see him.
Dear Dan: I have a fantastic relationship with
my girlfriend. The entire time we’ve been together (nearly two years) has been marked by physical and emotional honesty. While we’ve been sharing our fantasies pretty much since we first started dating, we’ve recently been talking about which fantasies we’d like to try in real life. One in particular is posing a bit of difficulty. She really enjoys receiving facials, and she’s even more turned on by the idea of multiple men coming on her face. The idea also turns me on, but figuring out how to find a man (or men) to aid in this kink is a little tricky. Assuming there was no intercourse or oral sex — the only contact with other men would be their come on her face — what are the risks of contracting something? No matter how good the aim, there’s the possibility of her eyes and mouth inadvertently becoming a part of the show.
Imperfect Come Is No Good Dear ICING: Gonorrhea, syphilis, and chla-
mydia — you can get all three in your eyes. A person can contract all three orally as well, but the mucous membranes in the eyes are more delicate, and the risk is both greater and grosser. You’re gonna want to do this with strangers who are willing to test or with guys you already know and trust. Neither option is 100 percent risk-free, but nothing worth doing is 100 percent risk-free.
Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net