S AVA G E L O V E
BEARS REPEATING DEAR READERS: I was fighting a cold for two weeks, and the cold won. It morphed into an insanely painful sinus infection — you know it’s bad when your doctor urges you to err on the side of too much Vicodin, not too little. So a warning to everyone whose letter appears in this week’s column: My sucky advice is probably going to be suckier than usual.
Dear Dan: I’m a bearish 44-year-old who can’t
get a hot Latin 18-year-old guy to stop sucking my dick. He comes by for weekly sessions of mutual head and leaves immediately afterward. His round trip on the subway lasts longer than his stays at my place. He’s a sweet kid but deeply closeted; what little I know of his Dominican family and friends, he’s years from coming out. I’m under no illusion that I’m what he’s looking for. The trouble is, he won’t kiss or do anything social with me, and the novelty of getting naked with an 18-year-old has worn off. I could stop seeing him, but I’m mindful of your rule about treating younger partners like campsites: Leave them in better shape than you found them. I’m doing that by treating him respectfully and showing him that it’s possible to be openly gay and have support from family and friends, but I don’t know where to go next.
Not Wild About the Boy Dear NWATB: Tell him that he’s hot, that he’s a good little cocksucker, but that’s not enough for you to sustain interest. You’re not asking to meet his friends or family — you’re not asking him to risk exposure — but if he wants to keep blowing you, there’s going to be some getting to know you. He’ll have to risk a conversation now and then, maybe watching a movie together sometime at your apartment. Tell him you can’t be friends with benefits with someone who isn’t a friend. A lot of desperate-to-stay-closeted cases convince themselves that they won’t have to come out if they can get their sexual needs met in one place and their emotional needs in another. By showing him that a healthy gay person successfully integrates his sexual and emotional needs (whether he keeps coming over or not), you’ll be honoring the campsite rule. Dear Dan: I’m a man who just got out of a twoyear relationship with a great girl. She was always a little controlling, and I felt like I had to tiptoe around her all the time, so I was glad to be out of the relationship. But I was still providing her with a lot of emotional support. She started bothering me for advice on what to do about her rebound relationship, which seemed beyond the call of duty. I suggested that we needed to re-evaluate our boundaries. She flipped out and threatened to force all our mutual friends to pick her over me. I’m also worried that she will tell everyone we know about my pegg ing kink.
Kink-outing Is Not Kind 34
THE PITCH
NOVEMBER 8 -14, 2012
pitch.com
BY
D A N S AVA G E
Dear KINK: If there’s documentary evidence, prepare yourself to own your kink and laugh it off. Assholes and vengeful exes can use the details of your turn-ons against you only if you’re ashamed of them. Shrug off the reveal, laugh along with any good-natured ribbing, and look on the bright side: You could have mutual female friends who are interested in pegging and, after they hear the news, interested in you. Dear Dan: I know you were raised Catholic but are now an atheist. I’m curious if you might still believe in God if you took the time to expose yourself to other faith traditions that are more accepting of gay people. Have you looked at Buddhism or Hinduism? There is evidence for reincarnation, and what better way to say “it gets better” than by doing it again until you get it right?
Born Again and Again Dear BAAA: The Catholic Church’s stance
on homosexuality gave me a big sad when I was an adolescent, but I didn’t come to the conclusion that there is no God based solely on that big sad. My sexuality prompted me to question all faiths. I don’t know how any reasonable person can conclude that one tribe or prophet or science-fiction writer got it right. But if I was gonna pick a faith based on gayness alone, I would go with Antinous, the gay lover of the gay second-century Roman emperor Hadrian. Hadrian, a bearish guy in his 40s, was in love with Antinous, a Bithynian teenager. Like the NWATB’s Dominican, Antinous must have given amazing head because after he died (he drowned while swimming in the Nile), Hadrian had him declared a god. Take it away, Wikipedia: “The grief of the emperor knew no bounds, causing the most extravagant veneration to be paid to Antinous’ memory. Cities were founded in his name, medals struck with his likeness, and cities throughout the east commissioned godlike images of the dead youth for their shrines and sanctuaries.… As a result, Antinous is one of the best-preserved faces from the ancient world.” My husband, Terry, looks like Antinous — it’s true — so, yeah, I’d hit and/or worship that. As for reincarnation, well, have you seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? I wouldn’t mind coming back as that magical pair of pants — only, I’d like to be passed among Broadway stars Cheyenne, Andrew, Nick and Kyle. And instead of blue jeans, I’d like to be a magical dance belt. If there’s a religion that could make that happen for me, sign my ass up. Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Have a question for Dan Savage? E-mail him at mail@savagelove.net