Beginning of the End by Andy Kaminski

BEGINNING OF THE END ISSUE White Denim NYE Party Best of 2011

Bucket of Fuck-it List A special 2012 note from the publisher Art By My Own Autopsy Report

Flip Book Animation Inside

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Table Of Contents The Too Much Dumb Club...............................................3 MEMOIRS OF A BLIND PET............................................5 Marcus Swagger’s Predicktions for 2012........................7 I Hate Brunch.....................................................................9 KTSW top 15 Texas albums of 2011..............................11 Till The Cows Come Home...............................................12 Bucket of Fuck It.........................................................14-15 The Hipster Evolution......................................................16 “Surely I can, but don’t call me Surely.”.........................17 My First (and possibly last) Year in Austin...................18 Best of 2011.................................................................20-21 Let’s Talk About Sex: Orgasmic Meditation...................24 Homeless...........................................................................26 Vagabond Collective Best 2011 albums.........................29

A special 2012 note from the Publisher of Slacker Magazine Slacker Magazine is published monthly and is copyright protected. No articles may be reproduced in whole or part without the written consent of Slacker. The views expressed in this issue have been provided by free lance guest contributors therefore do not reflect the views of the official writing staff and the management of Slacker.

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The Too Much Dumb Club

By: Andy Kaminski

Almost everyday I wake up from some dumb shit I did the night before. Whether it is justifiably harmless or not, usually there is always some sort of ultra violent light of logic awaiting me at the end of the hangover tunnel, ready and fired up to char and deprive me of any free spirit I may have left that morning leaving me lost in bed of sweaty guilty consciousness regrets. This has been my life mostly, but mostly I can say my recent survival method has been convincing myself “I’m not perfect but I’m good at anything I do.” Well actually that is a lie. I’ve been convincing myself that shit for pretty much as far back as I can think. While this may seem like a “woe is me” pity rant, it’s really just some dumb shit. You see I’m not the only dumb motherfucker that walks this earth potentially or purposely ignoring the very fact of my own existence. There is you. You allow me to get away with everything I do meanwhile spending most of your time participating on the fruits of jackassery only to leave me finding out how you write it off talking shit. You my friend are crucifying dumbness and pretty soon, you will fuck up dumb for all of us, but I’ll still be here for you. Yes, unfortunately you are my friends, family, and usually assholes I have to report too. You are boring, and on top of that, you are sabotaging the only existence in this life that is considered FUN. And while you will argue with me about “FUN,” you can go fuck yourself because I’m pretty sure you convince yourself “Well fun doesn’t mean…….” Anyway, who the hell ordained you as the Pope of Funville preaching what is/isn’t “fun?” Now you are stupid to me and boring is a compliment on your soul. So while you self-righteously act as if it is the end of the world because I piss on toilet seats, ignore responsibility, and lose my ass every other day, keep this is mind that I consider these skills and not just anybody cannot just wake up one day and be dumb. It was a gift blessed on my soul. To my fellow future idiots of America and even the world around, know that there is something dumb about everything in existence and the goody-two-shoes of today and the future will be on your ass everyday preaching your ear off about some shit you already know. Finally, it is completely intelligent to dumb anything down in life when life starts heading towards the direction of Lameville. Look around you SLACKERS. www.slackermagaustin.com

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MEMOIRS OF A BLIND PET

Living in a city with ninety-nine percent sunshine and a spring filled pool where it is legal for women to be topless is not always sunshine and boobies for the typical Austin transplant musician. This city has a real way of taking care of all your musician needs, but lacks on wants because there are so many â&#x20AC;&#x153;bandsâ&#x20AC;? here. Sometimes hitting the road hard pays off big. We have played everywhere in this town from backyards to boxing rings it is always a surprise. You never know what you are going to get. In May of this year we released a full length LP w/ Tweak Bird at Red 7. At midnight Tweak Bird hit the stage, setting it on fire playing all their barn burners. Meanwhile we are watching the show with our jaws on the floor realizing that we our going to have to follow these guys. Needless to say we had to change the set list because when an audience gets that pumped you better not try to play that song you wrote about your girlfriend unless she is a transvestite stripper with a drug addiction. When they were done the last thing the crowd wanted to do was stop, so we got up there and gave them some more. With nothing but beer and fists flying through the air the crowd showed there satisfaction. At the end of the show Dale Crover (Melvins) said that he loved the show and we reminded him of Mudhoney. All in all it was a fist full of aces, if you know what I mean my friend. Going out of town has always been fun. I mean jumping in vans with smelly hairy dudes was my favorite high school past time. In October we played a show in Jamestown, Ny at a vegan coffee shop called the Labyrinth. When we pulled up the place was completely empty except for the owner. Before we started playing this guy who looked like a goth version of your normal Jr. High bully asks if he can open for us. Of course we say yes, then the guy goes to his car and grabs a busted reel to reel. He then comes in and plays with it by circuit bending with his fingers which creates the soundtrack to a bad acid trip. He ended up being a really nice guy, but scary looking to say the least. After we where done we actually played another set at a bar. The night actually turned out to be a success. Two out of three of the band members got laid so there was no sleeping in the van that night. Thanks again Karie Jean! Being on the road can be quite the blood sucker. Coming back to Austin to hang out with friends and family is always refreshing. The Blind Pets are proud to call this city our home. I used to tell people how great Austin is while out of town. Now I shut up and keep it a secret!

By Joshua Logan (Front man of The Blind Pets) www.slackermagaustin.com

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Marcus Swag ger’s Predicktio ns for 2012

The final year of the Mayan calendar. Fuck yeah. 2011 was a hyper charged year that saw revolutions spread, regimes toppled, and heads lopped off quicker than a New York butcher late for a bris. Well, I have bad news for the Mayan Chicken Little: The world can’t end if we set it on fire first. Let’s burn it to the ground before the Mayans get to. Fuck Yeah. Top 10 headlines from future impending implosion of all human society preempting the final end game on 12-21-2012. 10. Thousands Dead As Occupy Oakland Protestors Get High Enough To Declare the War of Annexation of San Francisco of 2012. 9. Bleary Eyed Occupy Spokesperson Publicly Apologizes the Next Day Over Breakfast for Being Wasted and for All That “War Declaration Business”; Seeks To Put All Behind Us and Asks America To Pass The Cream Cheese for His Bagel Bites. 8. Beheading and Re-Revolution In Libya Following Release Of Pictures Of Interim President Wearing Gaddafi’s Bitching Shower Robe / Satin Hat Combo. 7. World Wide Infidel Jihad Declared On-Hold for Two Weeks To Celebrate Arab Spring Break 2012. America Reportedly Not Invited To The Party. 6. President Obama Announces Major Changes In Post Nuclear Re-Population Contingency Plan Alpha To Replace All Frozen Donor Sperm With Justin Bieber Seed. 5. Unsealed Fallout Vault Discovered In Nevada Desert Reportedly Filled With Tagged and Numbered Justin Bieber Clones. 4. Palestinians Join Ranks Of Molemen After Entire State Implodes Into Underground Tunnels Following Secret Jew Nuclear, Jewclear Detonations Under The Sands. 3. North Korean State Disbanded After Revolution Sparked By The Canceling Of the Nation’s Most Popular TV Game Show, “Who Wants To Eat?” 2. Riots in Rio De Janeiro After Brazilian President Bans All Brazilian Waxes , Declaring Rapid Bush Reduction To Be “Wasteful and Unnecessary Expenditure in Hard Economic Times.” 1. Washington DC Destroyed Following Canadian Invasion. Canadian Prime Minister Reportedly Forced President Obama To Press The Red Self Destruct Briefcase Button While Cruelly Asking “Why Do You Keep Hitting Yourself?” www.slackermagaustin.com

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By: Sarah Hoverson You know what? Fuck brunch. Oooooooohhh I’m going to brunch, I’m so hip... brunch brunch brunch... Austinites are so obsessed with brunch. It’s lame, I’m going to tell you why, whether you like it or not. It’s no secret that people like to eat after a long night of drinking; I certainly do. And I love going out to eat. It’s nice to have people cook for me. But when it turns into a continuation of the party from the night before, with groups of six or seven or ten, then it’s just annoying. All these little social butterflies, just HAVE to sit around for literally hours rehashing the events of the previous night and repeating over and over how hungover they are and the best way to fix it is... wait for it... more alcohol! What a novel idea! I’m not gonna lie, I love me a Bloody Mary or two. But when two Bloody Mary’s turn into 6 pitchers of bottomless mimosas... well, there’s a word for that. (Psst.. it’s “alcoholism”) Drink at brunch and your day is pretty much wasted unless you continue on into the even-more annoyingly termed “Sunday Funday”. Don’t get me started on Sunday Funday. Brunch is on such a high these days that even bars that were previously only open at night have started serving it. Union Park, J Blacks, the Belmont, other random places whose names I didn’t bother storing in my memory bank, but when I heard they were serving brunch, I remember thinking Wtf? Really?? And, as a quick search on Yelp informed me, more than a few burger places and even barbecue joints do too. It’s like this brunch craze has taken over Austin and every place that’s any place (or wants to be) is frantically jumping on the bandwagon. So much so, in fact, that I’m considering opening my own brunch restaurant... out of my 800 square foot apartment! Why the fuck not! The word brunch is like crack to Austinites; they hear it and I guarantee there will be a line out the door. No one will care if all I can successfully make is scrambled eggs with toast and some cut up fruit. It’s freakin’ BRUNCH!! Hell, I can even make it cage-free egg whites with sprouted grain toast and fruit from the farmer’s market for all those nutty health freaks that run rampant in Austin. I’ll double my money! Chez Sarah... has a ring to it, no? Oh, it doesn’t? Well then I’ll just call it Brunch. Better keep it straight to the point for all those hungover a-holes out there. You may be thinking, Damn, this girl really hates brunch! She must be a waitress. I’m not. I’m just so sick of the concept, the word itself, the way people nonchalantly discuss where they are going for brunch because, DUH of course they are going to brunch, why even bother asking anyone what they are doing on a late weekend morning when the answer is going to obviously be brunch?! Look at me, I’m going to brunch! All the cool kids are doing it... Except not. Get over it, people--it’s a meal, same as breakfast or lunch or dinner. So there. I said it. And, at the risk of being blacklisted from every brunch-serving establishment in Austin, I’ll say it again... Fuck brunch.

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Til the Cows Come Home… Robert Plant walking his pooch, Ryan Gosling rockin out to Slayer, Vince Vaughn scanning the produce section at Whole foods, Drew Barrymore roaming the streets at the East Austin Studio Tour, T.O front Row at Elton John and Jay Leno auctioning off the Art Cows…this place was just swarming with celeb tail in ordinary places in 2011, because believe it or not, they are ordinary people. The thing about these ordinary people that we call celebrities is when they are philanthropic and use their star appeal in a positive way; they gain brownie points. Jay leno is one of those people and his involvement in what I believe to be the hippest thing of 2011, the Cow Parade, takes the cake because it pretty much sums up Austin; innovative and quirky. Now you are having flashbacks of your Facebook mobile uploads and the numerous scandalous poses you took with the Disco Fever Cow a.k.a DisCOW..you know those ones that you drunkenly rode the damn cow like Wild Bill. Whether you knew it of not, that cow was more then just an excuse for you to live out your blacked-out fantasy of being a milk maid my dear, they were each individually designed by local artists and all were for a great cause. Having been in attendance for the Cow Parade that was hosted by Mr. Leno, I can tell you first hand that it was quite the “to do.” The crowd was dressed to the nines, the alcohol was flowin like Busta, all 40 cows were in attendance and the money that these folks were forking out was unreal. When you see someone hold up a paddle and bid $150, 000.00 on a painted cow like it’s no big deal, it’s a big deal and when you see Jay Leno’s chin in person, that too is a big deal. The beautiful thing about the $1.5 million that the Austin community spent on these works of art is that ALL of the proceeds went to The Superhero Kids Fund at Dell Children’s Medical Center of Central Texas. I would say this is how you give back to a city that does nothing but keep you satisfied. So, now ask yourself this, how would you want to leave a mark on this city, in your last days? Would you cross items off the Bucket of Fuck It list? Would you scale the Frost Bank tower..naked? Would you pledge a wish to the Make-a-Wish Foundation in hopes that you would get to ride an Elephant at Barnum and Baileys Circus? Or would you buy a cow and save a child’s life? To me, this is what life is all about. Yes I admit, I have a picture or 10 with those crazy cows but at the end of the day it’s about your permanent tattoo on this earth. Do something that everyone would say, Holy Cow, they were living everyday as if the Apocalypse was approaching, …well, fuck-it, now I will too.

By: Jenna Williams

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Absolutely, give a fat chick a pump on your Huffy during the Thursday Night Social Ride. Apply for a job at sewage plant, but shit your pants during the application process. Ask the awkard neighbor that never says hi for some sugar. Then pretend the hand off went bad and dop it on the ground. Then say “Fuck You.” Be like Dexter for a day. Be the only person inside a clown car. Beat Death at Monopoly to win Milton Bradley’s soul. Beat Super Mario Bros. without warping. Bosses Day is today. Find some dog shit, get to work earlier than usual, and plant the shit on his keyboard with a thank you card from that asshole you hate in the office. Build a Cthullhu theme park. Don’t build an exit, it doesn’t need one. Call in an order of BBQ Brisket and have it delivered to Cheer Up Charlies. They love meat. Call up your X and hangup. Do this repetively until the police card has been threatened on you. Calmly explain to people it’s “I couldn’t care less” not “I could care less” using a whiteboard and your middle finger pencil. Change your voicemail greeting to a dead baby joke. Check out a donkey show. Cock punch a 6th Street doorguy when he yells “Dollar Wells” Complete the 7th grade. Convince a stranger on FaceBook to have sex with you. Convince your mate to do something naughty with a vegetable at the Capital. Cook and eat that Japanese hotdog eating champion. Defeat an Iron Chef in a cooking competition or, failing that, hand to hand combat. Defecate at an opera. Dig up Michael Jackson’s corpse and beat it in a knife fight. Domesticate some penguins. Dress up as a Penn State Coach and hangout at a kids playground. Dress up as a rodeo clown and fuck with the long line at Starbucks. Dress up as Ronald McDonald. Drunkly, go to McD’s playground and fake a heart attack. Dress up as Zombie Jesus and go to any church of your choice. Dry hump all the art cows in Austin. Eat a chocolate kiss out of your lovers buttcrack. If single, use this as your pick up line tonight. Thank us in the morning. Eat a scorpion or give a Mexican $100 bucks on cinco de mayo. Eat all three meals at Taco Bell. Shit, have a snack, too. Eat mushrooms, call an old highschool fling, reminice, and then end it on how you only dated them due to a bet. Fart in a wetsuit. Fart really loud in front of a lot of people and blame that asshole next to you. Feed the Mogwais after midnight. Figure out why people hate hippies so much and then hate some hippies. Finally get all of the clown makeup and blood out of your Return of the Jedi sheets. Find a crossing guard. Go to the opposite side of the street and try to hurd the kiddies with your home made bullseye sign. Find the last unicorn. Kill it. Make a sweet hat. For casual Friday cut out assless pants and challenge anyone who complains to a dual off using your finger pistols as the weapon of choice. Get a Brazilan. Either a wax or a real Brazilian person. If a real Brazilian person then watch Brazial fart porn together. Go on a blind date with a real blind person. See how many times you can confuse your fuck stick with a walking stick. Go streaking, at every HEB in Austin.

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44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 100.

Go to a 24 Hour Fitness Club near you in a pimp suit or a hoe suit and sign up for a membership. Immediately start working out or something. Go to a movie premier meet and greet at Alamo Drafhouse. Pretend you are the celebrity and grab the mic. Go to a the fire station and ask them if they can put out the fire in your crotch. Go to an abortion clinic and ask if any of the chicks are interested in speed dating on the spot. Go to Sears and take all the tags off of the mattress. Piss on anyone who interferes. Grow your “first” pot plant. Wink wink. Help somebody that you know that wakes up from a re-occuring black out hangover by staging the fakest intervention of all time. Hire MC Hammer to play a party, but then when no one shows up, pay him a handful of nickels if he’ll clean your bathroom. And he will. Hot box the inside pouch of a kangaroo with some friends. Invent a re-midgetization process for midgets who have gotten leg lengthening procedures and then come to regret the convenience of being able to reach objects on tall shelves. Learn how to unicycle. That seems like a useful skill during the apocalypse. Lick 30 tigers. Make a three slot toaster. Two isn’t enough and four is just too fucking much toast. Make up a new STD and tell the last person you slept with to go get it checked out. Men, blow yourself or try. Women, go to a jack shack and spend 8 quarters on some arcade porn. Move to Canada and marry a tree or moose or somet hing. Musicians inspire good will and cheer in the huddled masses a stirring rendition of “You’re All Gonna Die, You Fucking Pussies.” No really, quit huffing paint thinner this time. Okay, try wearing pants outside again, I guess. Pick up a bum on the way to work today and introduce him to break room frigerator. Poop your pants. Post those naked pix of your randoms on a made up Facebook page called Hussiefux. Redact the word ‘gullible’ from all of the dictionaries. Reform the Village People, with yourself as an astronaut and/or ninja. Rent an indian costume and a canoe and paddle around town lake. Repent for your sins. Wait a week and repeat as necessary. Return the food you stole. I hope you like shit, because that’s what it is now. Ride a lion. Ride the quarter ride in front of the grocery store until your legs fall off. Rob a bank and give all the money to another bank. Roll up 20 terds in 20 single dollars and plant them around the homless shelter. Rub one out on the bus. Run everywhere with scissors. Save the world from that meteor using your cock or tit as a baseball bat. Scale the Frost Bank Tower naked. This is impossible naked but still try. See if a cum dumpster can really exist. See if peeing into your own mouth makes you go infinitely. See what happens if you shotgun a couple liters of absinthe at an amusement park. Send a dozen pizzas to the Pope. Ha ha! Something with monkeys. Steal a petting zoo. Stop or start (if this is new to you) masturbating to animated .gifs of Sailor Moon. Suspend a trampoline facing down at another trampoline. See what happens to the neighborhood kids. Take a dump in your neighbors garden for miss-use of the water restriction last year. Take out an ad in the adult section for adult massages. Put that slutty coworkers phone number as the contact. Teach everyone how to make their own glue. Tell a dead baby joke to a Baptist Preacher, but then say “Just fuck’n with ya preach”. Travel back in time and fight your parents on their wedding day. Try on my your gender’s underwear, just to see what it feels like. Undo your lasik. Holy fuck you people are ugly. Use a bidet, even if you don’t need to. Use the neighbor’s doghouse as an outhouse. Vomit the ‘Star Spangled Banner’. Watch ALL of the porn on the internet at work in one day. Win Ninja Warrior. Write angry letters to God. Wait for a reply. Finally, light a fart and make 3 wishes.

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The Hipster Evolution: How the emo kids grew up and started a whole new trend. We all know a hipster. That friend that knows all of the new music, on top of every trend, doesn’t have a car, loves his Mac products more than his family and has a cool bike. But these “hipsters” didn’t all just show up to Austin overnight. There was an evolution of the hipster. Having lived in Austin since 2003, I have seen the venues, music, style and “cool areas around town” change. Before there was Rainy street; when East 6th was the area you thought you would get into a knife fight and Emos was the only venue to see all of the up and coming bands come through Austin. The evolution of the hipster spawns from a cohort known by the name of scenesters. This group of people was heavily involved in hardcore music along the lines of At All Cost, Darkest Hour, The Bled and were all friends with the guys in the band Recover. They were noticed by their tattoos of skulls, guns, stars, and so on, and usually had chest pieces and sleeves. I would expect a small amount of people to know what a scenester was, because there are very few people I meet on a daily basis that have lived in Austin for longer than a few years. In 2003, hardcore music reigned supreme. Everyone knew of one another because they were all in a band that played at Emos, or Red 7.The uniform was simple; tight black shirts and tight jeans, but much like the dinosaurs, the scenesters were gone. It seemed as though they were absent from the venues just as quickly as they showed up. But, they didn’t vanish. They simply cut off their skintight jeans into shorts, started wearing more colors, listening to dance music and indie music and are now known as the hipster. I would expect a small majority of Austinites to be unaware of the name scenester. Why? Because most strangers I meet in Austin these days are transplants. They have just moved here or have lived in Austin for a month or so. Of course they know about the Mohawk and are surprised by the fact that Emos is no longer on Red River. And most don’t know the history of the new Emos location. Most of the scenesters have all but left the hardcore and metal music alone and have moved on, and grown up. For a genre of music that has died out with punk rock music in Austin, we are constantly aware of groups such as M83, Youth Lagoon, Girls or Lykki Li bringing in the crowd of this hipster generation, spending their money on Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pearl, or any cheap beer that others are appalled to drink. Just as Lonestar was the beer of choice for the scenesters, hipsters have taken over Austin drinking cheap beer no one wants to touch. This article is not meant to judge or make any jokes or jabs at the hipsters. It was simply written to inform others that there was an evolution of sorts; an evolution that some are not aware of. Hipsters are the backbone of a large chunk of the artistic community in Austin, which continues to keep everything weird and interesting. But, these groups of individuals aren’t trying to reinvent anything, because as I mentioned above, they simply grew up, decided they didn’t like bands where the lead singer screams into a microphone, and the breakdowns are more predictable than a John Hughes movie. Keep riding that bike all over Austin and drinking cheap beer because someone needs to keep that hipster lifestyle alive, because it won’t be me.

By Andrew Miller 16

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“Surely I can, but don’t call me Surely.”

When it comes to hardcore screamo rock in Austin, you’re either in or you’re in it, and when it comes down to being in it, personality can be deceiving. I had an opportunity to have a quiet chat with the front man Pete Brown, from Austin’s most popular hardcore rock outfit Watching the Moon. At first glance Pete is not your stereotypical image of a hardcore front man. He’s actually a soft spoken, tender, kind hearted gentleman, but unbeknownst to him there is a dark side of himself that can only be experienced through his music and the power of his amps. I have been following Watching the Moon for a few years now after my accidental run in with their show at Hole in the Wall back in 2009. By accident, I mean I almost shit my pants. I was a deer in headlights, with the effects of hardcore rock ripping away at my insides. You know that feeling where hardcore literally feels like it is shaking your insides and vital organs. Well that’s because it is folks. So I jumped at the opportunity to sit down, get a beer, and talk shop with Pete from Watching the Moon. (This is a trimmed down version of the actual interview. To read the full interview, go to www.slackermagaustin.com)

Slacker: So Pete, thanks for coming out today in the rain. Pete: Awe, no prob man. Slacker: Give us a little history about Watching the Moon. Pete: Um, well it started as a solo project in 2003. It was something I did on the side while I was playing in various bands the last few years, Velorum and These Men Are Liars. Slacker: So Watching the Moon became much like your private child. Pete: A lot of the first record is all me. Slacker: Like multi-instrumentation? Pete: Yeah, and also flew to Philly in a weekend to record about six songs for the first EP. Slacker: Any tour plans? Pete: Yea, we’re planning to do the east coast in the Spring. We did it last year and played with some awesome bands like Death By Stereo a hard-core band. Slacker: With all the changes in the music industry how do you feel? Pete: I dunno, I honestly, they are what they are. Slacker: You’re good friends with a lot of local industry cats, right? Pete: I used to work at Emo’s and still have a lot of friends that work there, so it’s sad to see that go away. Slacker: So, what are some memorable acts you played with over the years? Pete: Of the top of my head Atari Teenage Riot and Archers of Loaf. Slacker: Well the world is supposed end Pete. With all these damn predictions, where does that leave Watching the Moon in 2012? Pete: I guess it leaves us with a Cryptic Truth of Brutal Rock to look forward to before the dust covers any evidence of all the over hyped paid douche bands out there.

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My first (and possibly last) year in Austin… I moved here in January of 2011 looking for a fresh start. In retrospect, it seems silly, what with the world set to become extinct before year end, but this move to Austin had been on my wish list, so now, at least I can now check one item off my bucket list! Anyhow, my hometown of Houston, although only a short(ish) drive down the highway, seemed a world away from the mecca known as Austin, Texas. I know this doesn’t sound very Slacker, but for the sake of full disclosure I should tell you that I don’t drink, anymore. Years of wild living finally wore thin, and my search for purpose was increasing exponentially with each passing month. I was looking for a place where I could grow spiritually, and the cultural landscape of Austin, with its focus on healthy living, made it an obvious choice. Plus I am sober, not dead, so I still like to see killer live shows and spend time outdoors, and there are not many better places to do both than here! That being said, Austin, with all it has to offer in the way of clean living, is one of the most fucked up cities I’ve had the pleasure of calling home. The traffic is worse here than Houston, a metropolis of nearly six million!! And the homeless situation is by far the most overwhelming I’ve seen in any urban city, ever. However, the people of this fair city are what really make Austin special. Everyone seems to be genuinely happy to be here. Yes, generally speaking most have the ambition of a lazy housecat, but maybe that’s what makes everyone so friendly. All they really want is a little heavy petting every now and then. What I find interesting is that most Austinites, despite emigrating from cities both near and far, come here for the same reason, and it certainly is not for work. Austin, unlike other far more drab towns in Texas, embraces newcomers and welcomes them to share in the Zeitgeist of the city; have fun, be true to yourself (whoever it is you want to be today), and be cool to others. In these times, as we near the end of days, what could be more important? So, after a year in Austin have I found inner peace? Hell no! Was I naive to think that a change in address could produce the profound shift in my existence that I craved? Admittedly, yes. Am I glad to be living what could be the last year of humanity’s existence in Austin, Texas? You bet your ass!I

By Liz Ashabranner

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2 f o Best Best drunken social activity:

Best place to wake, bake, and chow after a Saturday night: 1. Nomad Bar Sunday Brunch provided by Mark Rivas Catering 2. Your Mom’s Burger Bar 3. Bacon 4. Torchy’s Tacos 5. Fricano’s Deli

1. Thursday Night Social Ride 2. Karaoke Apocalypse 3. Geeks Who Drink Pub Triva 4. WAKA Kickball 5. Libertine Social Club (Every other Thursday at Beauty Bar)

Best place to get sloppy drunk:

1. Sidebar 2. Barfly’s 3. Liberty Bar 4. Nomad Bar Best place to buy cool shit really cheap: 5. Violet Crown Social Club 1. Frock On Vintage 2. Citywide Garage Sale 3. 29th Street Yard Sale at Spider House 4. Trailer Space Records Trailer Trash 5. Green House Austin Best “new” concert venue: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

ACL Live Emo’s East Empire Automotive Bar Frontier Bar ND at 501 Studios

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2011

Best locally made product consumed on the reg: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Tito’s Vodka Beanitos Tommy’s Salsa ARRR Squeeze Rockstar Bagels

Best bullshit to be called out on of 2011: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Rick Perry Danzig Occupy Austin Extending downtown parking meters until midnight 5. “I’m moving to New York.”

Best place to drop the kids off downtown: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Valhalla Not Red 7 Side Bar ladies room Not Barbarella on Tuesday night 5. Nomad Bar

Best local festival that took your bank roll: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Fun Fun Fun Fest Austin City Limits Festival Austin Pysch Fest Austin Vintage Style Fest Nocturnal Fest

Best local band of 2011 that will most likely disband or change its name in 2012: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

The Blind Pets Not in the Face The Boxing Lesson The Black and White Years The Pons www.slackermagaustin.com

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Let’s Talk about Sex: Orgasmic Meditation By Katie Warner

I will be completely honest, had this not been on the TED website, I would have thought it was a joke, and probably just forwarded it on as an obnoxious email to my promiscuous, constantly sex-talking kickball team, and left it at that. But then I started to do some research on the subject. After all, there are very few things I enjoy more than sex, particularly the orgasm part. What I found out was that Nicole Daedone graduated from San Francisco State University with a degree in semantics and gender communication. She founded the popular avant garde art gallery 111 Minna Gallery in SoMa before moving on to creating OneTaste. Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Grand Central/Hachette, May 2011) and has appeared on ABC’s Nightline. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, and 7×7 Magazine, among others. In his #1 New York Times Bestseller The 4-Hour Body Timothy Ferriss calls the Orgasmic Meditation (OM) practice “required education for every man on the planet.” I started thinking to myself: “Self, this chick is not only a smarty pants, but she’s all about women all over the world having awesome orgasms and she also seems kinda cool and artsy and edgy (I mean she did own an art studio for Christ’s sake). I could get into this . . . “ I set up a time to chat with Drea Marz, from One Taste to get some more information on OneTaste and on Orgasmic Meditatio (OM): SO WHAT IS ONETASTE? “OneTaste focuses on the intersection between orgasm, intimacy, and life. While there are several facets to the practice, including a lot of personal development, the heart of the practice is called OM or Orgasmic Meditation. OM uniquely combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Nicole’s own interest in Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics. Helping to foster a new conversation about orgasm —one that’s real, relevant, and intelligent.” WHAT EXACTLY IS OM? “Everyone asks this question. What is OM (Orgasmic Meditation)? In short, it is a simple way for people to practice their orgasm. It’s like…..yoga for your orgasm – the more you do this practice, the more you feel. OM is a practice done between two people that has no goal except to feel what is happening in the moment. OM is not about

more climax. It is about expanding the sweet spot of the most pleasurable part of orgasm. OM is the yoga for your orgasm. It is the way for you to practice your orgasm and reap the benefits of having a deeper orgasm in your body.” HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OM & SOMETHING LIKE TANTRIC SEX? “Om is a simple practice. It is about stripping sex down to its bare essentials; you, your partner and the sensations in your body. OM has a basic position and its all about feeling what is there. In our culture we are accustomed to layering stuff on top of our sex. We pull out sex toys, light candles, play romantic music to get us in the mood, engage in tantric rituals. We also come in with pre existing notions of what sex is and how it should look. If we remove this idea that we have to do it a certain way, we create the space we need to access that raw, potent place that is our true sex. This is what differentiates OM from tantra.” HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OM AND A MASSAGE WITH A “HAPPY ENDING”? “Om is a goaless practice. There is no agenda, therefore there is really nowhere to go. Om is not about getting anyone off. Om is a partner practice where both people are getting to feel sensations and the orgasm that exists between them. The stroker is getting to feel the orgasm in his finger and eventually in other parts of his body. Instead of doing what he thinks will get her off, he strokes for his own pleasure. This is what differentiates OM from a massage with a ‘happy ending’.” While it’s definitely not for everyone, it’s a pretty cool concept and I definitely see the need for it in our society. I mean, who doesn’t want more orgasms in their life? Who doesn’t want the ability to connect more deeply with their partner? These are all very valid desires and not something that most people are comfortable talking about in the open. Establishments, like OneTaste, make opportunities available for people to begin these discussions and explore their sexuality in a way that they may have not otherwise experienced in the past. If you think that OM is something that you may want to get into, there is a “How to OM” class this Saturday, where you can learn the terms and concepts of OM. While OM will not be practiced in the class, attendees will receive a complimentary Om session with a OneTaste coach.

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HOMELESS By Andrea Harper

They were a hodge-podge little group. Dirty and disheveled, like a wandering band of gypsies. They huddled close, their wavering silhouettes magnified by the flickering flame of their camp fire. I closed my eyes and swayed to the rough beat of their drumming. Their tribal chant filled my ears, and soothed my heart. It wasn’t “good” music, there was no defined rhythmic pattern, and the voices were broken and harsh. But some primal part of my soul responded, and I was their captive audience. I drank in the warm summer air, and soaked in the raw beauty of their song. The rocks of Barton Springs were rough and jagged, digging into the backs of my thighs, but I was mesmerized. I never spoke to that straggling group of nomads, but their ragged song has stayed with me. They had no rank within society, no car, and no home. Every time I see one of their fellow pan-handlers I scramble through my disheveled wallet, searching for whatever monetary gift I can bestow. I peer into their eyes, as I hand out whatever combination of nickels, pennies, or dimes I’ve found, wanting to know how fate has brought them to this street corner. Some are thin, with sun-roughened skin and hardened mouths, and eyes that speak of hunger and heartache. They slump in the alleys of Red River, the stench of the street enveloping them. They perch on the sidewalks of Congress, with woebegone guitars, plucking with yellowed nails. They flit through the shadows of east Austin, woozy on cheap liquor, and down on their luck. Some are brazen, strung out on bad coke, and catcalling to the passerby from their murky street corner. Some are quiet and apologetic, clutching their scrap of cardboard ashamedly. I’ve fought back tears as a crowd of these homeless citizens desperately swarmed after a mobile food truck, wishing they had something honorable to live for. When the sun beats the pavement unrelentingly, and the grass of Zilker Park has begun its death march, I wonder how they survive. When the wind is cruel and the temperature drops, I gaze at them from within my warm clothes, and I wonder how they survive. Homeless. Alone. Perhaps the emotion I have felt for these empty handed survivors is Pity. I have pitied them for their lack of everything I esteem and treasure. I have considered them unfortunate, unlucky and unloved. Yet as I listened to those rough hands slapping, and those voices raised together, I heard only joy. That chant spoke of freedom, of camaraderie and of fellowship with the earth. That glorious summer night wasn’t mine…it was theirs. They had the trees, and the sky, and the rushing water that sang over the rocks. I suddenly felt awkward, as if I had intruded into some stranger’s home. I took off my shoes, and slowly picked my way back to my car. And as I sat there, my keys dangling from the ignition, I envied that beautiful little band.

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DISTRIBUTION

DOWNTOWN/EAST AUSTIN

CAMPUS/183N

801 Red River St.

Birds Barbershop 6800 Burnet Rd.

Buffalo Exchange 2904 Guadalupe St.

BARFLY’S

5420 Airport Blvd.

Epoch

221 W. North Loop Blvd.

Nomad Bar

1213 Corona Dr.

Spider House 2908 Fruth St

Parlor Pizza

100 E. North Loop Blvd.

I Love Video

2915 Guadalupe St.

I Love Video

4803 Airport Blvd

CENTRAL/SOCO Birds Barbershop 1902 S. Congress

New Bohemia

1606 S. Congress

Littie Bohemia

2209 South 1st St.

End of Ear

2209 South 1st St.

Dominican Joe’s 512 S. Congress

Jo’s Hot Coffee 1300 S. Congress

Freddie’s

1703 South 1st St.

Continental Club 1315 S. Congress

Stubbs

Mohawk

912 Red River St.

Hoboken Pie

718 Red River St.

Alamo Ritz

320 East 6th St.

Star Seeds Café

12625 N. Interstate 35

Domy Bookstore

913 E. Cesar Chavez

Birds Barbershop 1107 East 6th St

Side Bar

602 East 7th

Shangri’la

1016 East 6th St

The Liberty 1618 East 6th

DOWNTOWN WEST/WEST AUSTIN Birds Barbershop 2110 S. Lamar Blvd.

Waterloo Records 600 N. Lamar Blvd.

Flipnotics

1601 Barton Springs Rd.

Torchy’s Tacos

3005 S. Lamar Blvd.

Alamo Drafthouse (South) 1120 S. Lamar Blvd.

Black Sheep Lodge 2108 S. Lamar Blvd.

Frank Restaurant 407 Colorado St.

Cheapo Disc

914 N. Lamar Blvd. www.slackermagaustin.com