The pond gets a lot
bigger
Only dead fish swim with the stream forever BY VICTORIA GRAY • Dating after 40 can be tough and scary, but some brave individuals are giving it their best shot. For Leslie Anderson, that means going online. “I don’t even know what words there are that really describe how awkward it is,” she said. “I had to get over my upbringing of waiting for a guy to call.” Anderson,47, is a senior analyst at a major bank in Toronto. She has been married twice, but both marriages were short and unhappy. She wants to meet a man who is articulate, intelligent and can hold a conversation. According to her, someone like that is not easy to find. She was raised to think a man should approach a woman. It has taken her some time to realize she may have to make the first move in the online world. She often has to break the ice and send that first email to men who appeal to her on Plentyoffish.com. “I don’t know what it is about my profile,” she said. “The guys who message me are not the ones I would message.” There’s a stigma attached to the Internet. It’s where you find questionable characters. Anderson has indeed run into her share of people she deems unacceptable. Before they even met, one man printed out her picture and put it by his bed so he could see her before he fell asleep. “I never even thought about what would happen to the pictures after you email them,” she said. Nancy Ross, a Toronto psychologist who specializes in relationship consultation, agrees that people, especially women, need to be mindful and address their own insecurities before trying to deal with other people’s. This includes issues that may lead to unwarranted photographic usage and frightening behaviours like Anderson experienced. “The body issue is the ribbon on the package when the package is floundering,” she said. “First and foremost, what needs to happen after a divorce is one needs to seek somebody with whom they can talk intimately and (help them) get a grip on what part they played in the failure of the relationship.” Now Anderson has rules of Internet engagement. She does not tell people where she lives and works. She also does not message anyone without a picture, but she knows a lot of people put up outdated or fake photos. “I’m sitting next to a woman at work and she’s online and she’s not putting up her own picture,” she said. “I think a guy would put up a bad picture, but I don’t think a guy would put up a fake picture.”
Victoria Gray, Sexposé
Ross Church, 46, knows the fake picture strategy all too well. He lives in Scarborough and works on movie and television sets. He made the trip to Burlington to meet a woman. While her profile picture had been of a thin woman, it turned out that she was twice his size. It was not that he did not want a woman who was large, even though that is what he told her. Although he has been with many different types of women, he felt he could not date her after she lied. “That’s where my honesty came in,” Church said. “I was on the phone with her and asked, ‘When was that picture taken?’ I more or less said out and out, ‘You’re too large for me.’ She hung up the phone on me.” Nancy Ross believes this was a natural reaction. She does not think anyone should start a relationship based on lies. “Right up front she is lying,” she said. “That isn’t a very good start.” Church is looking for someone to spend the golden years with, but finds it difficult to approach women because he is shy. Despite its drawbacks, he thinks online dating is a great way to show off his personality without feeling uncomfortable. “I try to be myself, so there are no letdowns later in life,” he said. “I’m not really worried about who I’m meeting. It’s another opportunity. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” The only problem with letting your profile speak for you is that it has to be made to show your true personality and, according to Anderson, it is the picture that determines contact. She wonders how many wonderful men women may be missing by focusing on looks. “I dated this guy, (who) had the longest neck I’ve ever seen,” she said. “He was a good-looking guy with a very long neck, but he was funny and smart and articulate and it’s like, ‘Would I approach him online?’ Honestly, I think I would have passed him by, depending on the picture. I try to keep that in mind.”
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