Victoria Gray, Sexposé
BOYS WILL BE BOYS: Tyler Holiday, 13 (left) and Evan McGrath, 13 (far right) hang out with their skate boards outside of Holiday’s house, talking about sex. Dylan Tower, 20 (middle) relaxes in the SEC office waiting to give advice to info-seekers.
The other side of the coin A pre-teen look at sex
BY VICTORIA GRAY • Dylan Tower didn’t feel like he could tell his friend to stop. Tower, 20, found himself in a bad situation last fall – drunk and at a bathhouse. He and his friend decided to fool around. Tower didn’t feel comfortable, but his buddy wouldn’t ease up. He ended up kicking him in the chest to get away. The experience had a lasting impact on him. “(It) has been quite traumatic, actually, in my sexual experiences with men because I can no longer have sex with someone who is larger than me,” he said. Tower, an engineering student at the University of Toronto and an executive and peer counsellor at the university’s Sexual Education Centre (SEC), discovered a lack of communication about sex and sexuality is common between most people. He believes that people need to learn to speak more openly in the bedroom in order to have successful and fulfilling sex lives. “Communicate. That’s the biggest thing,” he said. “If you talk to your partner about it, it is much less likely that they will be disappointed with your sexual abilities… The best thing to do would be to find an understanding partner.” Tyler Holiday, 13, who lives in Scarborough, doesn’t feel like he has anybody to talk to about sex. He has a girlfriend and is starting to think about becoming more sexually active, but doesn’t know exactly what to do or who to ask. He has two older sisters and his parents, but he just can’t talk to them. “It would just be awkward,” he said. “I (think I) would get in trouble (if I asked).” Tower counts himself lucky because he lost his virginity in a safe space and in a safe way. His first sexual experience happened when he was 15. He was dating a girl who had previous sexual experience and was very open to a dialogue about sex. “We were both very comfortable talking about sex,” he said. “We decided within the first week of the relationship that we were going to wait at least two months, because it was going to be her 16th birthday in two
months. We had a lot of build-up to it.” When Holiday kissed his girlfriend for the first time, it didn’t go so well. He didn’t know when it was supposed to end or what he was supposed to do afterward. He said he didn’t talk to his girlfriend beforehand and he didn’t talk to her after. “It just kind of felt weird after,” he said. “It was awkward.” Tower believes if you have a conversation before attempting sexual activities, you may know more about your partner and what they like and dislike. Tower also urges people to communicate during sexual activities. “It’s not something you can really spring on someone,” Tower said. “It’s a big issue and some people take offence to it.” However, he acknowledges that sometimes that can be difficult. “It’s like any other hard conversation you have to have,” he said “It can be something that you would plan out and say, ‘Hey, can we have this conversation at some point in the future?’” Evan McGrath, 13, doesn’t have much experience with girls, but he does know that sex isn’t like it is in the movies. He is shy about admitting that he has watched pornography and what he has learned from it. “My friend was watching at his house, that’s all,” he said. “I’m not ready (for sex).” He worries that when he is ready he won’t be able to tell the difference between positive moaning and painful moaning. He assumes intercourse must hurt for a girl, but nobody has ever told him that. “(I would be afraid of) hurting, making it hurt (for her),” he said. “I just think it kind of would, you know?” McGrath would not want to put a girl he cared for in a painful situation, but he doesn’t know what to do, or how to ask for help. Tower said the only way to know if it is painful for your partner is to ask questions like, ‘Is this OK?’ and ‘Does this hurt?’ He recommends using lots of lubricant and searching for helpful information online. “If you don’t ask questions, your partner could be like, ‘OK this hurts, but I want to make sure that they’re having a good time maybe it will get better,’” he said. “And then they end up with some kind of tear or an STI.”
Sexposé | 9