Sexposé

December 2010

doctors

What don’t tell you about

going down

STREET LAW: The evolving sex trade

10 rules of a manbbatical

Carlyle Jansen

talks female sensuality

Sexposé Veronica Blake

Vanessa Brown

Aileen Donnelly

Victoria Gray

Letter from the Editors Welcome to Sexposé, a magazine dedicated to exploring the culture of healthy sexuality in Toronto.

We are four post-graduate journalism students at Centennial College in Toronto.

Learning about and understanding your sexuality is a lifelong process, and deserves more consideration than a 10-minute “sex talk” during your youth.

Each story was borne by a collective inspiration to give a voice to the unheard and create open discussion on taboo subjects.

What the mainstream newsreel churns out and calls important doesn’t always properly reflect another culture’s sexual consciousness. Many people struggle to normalize sexual urges and behaviours such as

2 | Sexposé

fetishes or kinks, when in fact, a number of others enjoy them. We sought to expose both topical and fringe stories using sex-positive language without trivializing or over-sexualizing subjects. We are interested in the person behind the preference or profession.

To that end, challenging assumptions and questioning the status quo became our driving principle.

Sexposé is sex, exposed.

Special thanks to our faculty editor, Lindy Oughtred, for her continued support.

Thanks also to all the Torontonians who shared their stories and expertise.

Courtesy of Benson Kua

ON THE COVER 6

The 10 rules of a manbbatical Single & Celibate

10

Street Law: The evolving sex trade Prostitution laws struck down

12

Carlyle Jansen talks female sensuality More than just pillow talk

20

What doctors don’t tell you about going down ‘Damning’ Toronto

INSIDE Great sex at any age............4 Rekindling the flame

The pond just got bigger......5 Online dating after 40 Locker-room talk................8 What guys aren’t saying The other side of the coin....9 Virginity anxiety Pornography.....................14 Educating today’s youth Late-night guilty pleasures...15 The writing of lust

From the ground up...........16 Newcomers get, and give, the talk Innocence lost...................17 Child sexual abuse Saving face........................18 A modern take on manscaping Her cup runneth over........19 Breast reduction surgery Unwrapped.......................22 The decline of the condom The Justisse Method..........23 Fertility awareness Sexposé | 3

Great sex at any age

BY AILEEN DONNELLY •

Sam Gray used to covertly remove the mattress from the camper in his parents’ backyard, sneak across the lawn and throw it in the back seat of his girlfriend’s car.

At 25, he was eager to have the best sex he could – whenever and however he could – with his 19-year-old girlfriend. This included the back seat of her car at the local lovers’ lane in Mississauga. They married just two years later. From the outset, Sam and Arden Gray valued sex in their relationship.

“She was just as horny as I was. You can’t blame it all on me,” said Sam, during a recent interview at their Brantford home.

Now that Arden is 52, Sam is 58 and their kids have moved out, they make sure they have sex at least once a week. However, their sex life has not always been worry-free. Outside stressors have hampered relationship both in and out of the bedroom from time to time.

Toronto-based psychotherapist Beth Mares has been providing marriage counselling for over 20 years. She said couples can experience a decrease in their sex life at any age.

“It might have to do with people being too busy or having too much stress,” Mares said.

“Or it might be their jobs. It might be illness.

It might be having little children.”

The Grays began their relationship discussing sex openly. Arden was a virgin when she met Sam and he had only experienced a few one-night stands before her.

They communicate during sex with simple directional phrases such as ‘not there, here,’ and this has kept them satisfied. As Arden puts it, you might as well speak up when it is happening because there is no point in getting angry after the fact.

“I always said I married for lust, not for love,” she said. “He made sure I got everything I could possibly get.”

When they first had children, they valued sex enough to make it a priority at least once a week.

“You pick a day,” Arden said, “because even though you were dead tired, you knew at the end of the day this was coming... It was like a date.”

This became harder to manage once their children reached their teens.

With soccer practice, school and work to balance, sex was hard to prioritize. During this time, they went the longest they ever had without intercourse: three months.

“I was working an 80 hour week. It was crazy. Crazy. And I think we were a little lost,” Arden said. “I think we probably could have divorced.”

4 | Sexposé

When he was 45, Sam experienced erectile dysfunction. He attributes the cause to psychological factors rather than physiological ones.

“It kind of fed on itself... every time I would try again to have sex, it wouldn’t work out because I was concentrating on trying to perform properly,” he said. “It wasn’t getting any better.”

Mares said this reaction is common.

“Once there’s a problem in one area, it can get to be a vicious cycle,” she said. “One of the common reasons for the sex life not being good is the dynamics in the relationship not being good.”

During this time, the couple also had very poor communication. When they hit a breaking point and finally opened up honestly to each other, they managed to remedy the situation. Sam got a prescription for Viagra – one did the trick – and his wife left her job.

The couple found when they fought a lot they barely touched each other and this lack of intimacy propelled their arguments.

“When I realized that, I tried to do more hugging. Even just touching an arm or hand – nothing sexual – just a touch,” Arden said. “It seemed to make it a lot easier and we didn’t fight as long as we didn’t stop touching.”

While they still get into occasional arguments nowadays, open communication prevents things from getting out of control.

Jessica O’Reilly, a sexologist who practises in Toronto, said communication really is the best answer to relational issues.

“The number one thing is to talk about it. So, open communication. And that’s one of the hardest things for people to do and it’s not what they want to hear,” O’Reilly said. “Unfortunately, (sex) is one of the only things we engage in as an activity but don’t talk about.”

The Grays said their experience has strengthened their relationship and better equipped them to deal with future issues.

“When we were first in love, it was nice because it was new and fresh and exciting,” Sam said. “Over time it becomes stronger in a way that it’s not a spark of the moment. It’s a deeper sort of understanding.”

After over 30 years of marriage, the couple still looks forward to their future together.

“We look at older couples – you know, 60, 70 – walking down the street and we think, that’ll be us,” Arden Gray said.

And do they plan to maintain their active sex life?

They replied in unison. “Oh hell, yeah!”

The pond gets a lot

bigger

Only dead fish swim with the stream forever

BY VICTORIA GRAY • Dating after 40 can be tough and scary, but some brave individuals are giving it their best shot. For Leslie Anderson, that means going online.

“I don’t even know what words there are that really describe how awkward it is,” she said. “I had to get over my upbringing of waiting for a guy to call.”

Anderson,47, is a senior analyst at a major bank in Toronto. She has been married twice, but both marriages were short and unhappy. She wants to meet a man who is articulate, intelligent and can hold a conversation. According to her, someone like that is not easy to find.

She was raised to think a man should approach a woman.

It has taken her some time to realize she may have to make the first move in the online world. She often has to break the ice and send that first email to men who appeal to her on Plentyoffish.com.

“I don’t know what it is about my profile,” she said. “The guys who message me are not the ones I would message.”

There’s a stigma attached to the Internet. It’s where you find questionable characters. Anderson has indeed run into her share of people she deems unacceptable. Before they even met, one man printed out her picture and put it by his bed so he could see her before he fell asleep.

“I never even thought about what would happen to the pictures after you email them,” she said.

Nancy Ross, a Toronto psychologist who specializes in relationship consultation, agrees that people, especially women, need to be mindful and address their own insecurities before trying to deal with other people’s. This includes issues that may lead to unwarranted photographic usage and frightening behaviours like Anderson experienced.

“The body issue is the ribbon on the package when the package is floundering,” she said. “First and foremost, what needs to happen after a divorce is one needs to seek somebody with whom they can talk intimately and (help them) get a grip on what part they played in the failure of the relationship.”

Now Anderson has rules of Internet engagement. She does not tell people where she lives and works. She also does not message anyone without a picture, but she knows a lot of people put up outdated or fake photos.

“I’m sitting next to a woman at work and she’s online and she’s not putting up her own picture,” she said. “I think a guy would put up a bad picture, but I don’t think a guy would put up a fake picture.”

Victoria Gray, Sexposé

Ross Church, 46, knows the fake picture strategy all too well. He lives in Scarborough and works on movie and television sets. He made the trip to Burlington to meet a woman.

While her profile picture had been of a thin woman, it turned out that she was twice his size. It was not that he did not want a woman who was large, even though that is what he told her. Although he has been with many different types of women, he felt he could not date her after she lied.

“That’s where my honesty came in,” Church said. “I was on the phone with her and asked, ‘When was that picture taken?’ I more or less said out and out, ‘You’re too large for me.’ She hung up the phone on me.”

Nancy Ross believes this was a natural reaction. She does not think anyone should start a relationship based on lies.

“Right up front she is lying,” she said. “That isn’t a very good start.”

Church is looking for someone to spend the golden years with, but finds it difficult to approach women because he is shy. Despite its drawbacks, he thinks online dating is a great way to show off his personality without feeling uncomfortable.

“I try to be myself, so there are no letdowns later in life,” he said. “I’m not really worried about who I’m meeting. It’s another opportunity.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

The only problem with letting your profile speak for you is that it has to be made to show your true personality and, according to Anderson, it is the picture that determines contact.

She wonders how many wonderful men women may be missing by focusing on looks.

“I dated this guy, (who) had the longest neck I’ve ever seen,” she said.

“He was a good-looking guy with a very long neck, but he was funny and smart and articulate and it’s like, ‘Would I approach him online?’ Honestly, I think I would have passed him by, depending on the picture. I try to keep that in mind.”

Sexposé | 5

Single

& celibate

A comedienne takes a sabbatical from men

BY VERONICA BLAKE • Photos by Veronica Blake, Sexposé

A

bstinence was easy for Claire Brosseau – until she met a new man.

On May 18, the self-described boy-crazy Toronto comedian aand actress gave up sex for a year.

Inspired by year-long non-fiction stunt books, such as Julie Powell’s foray into French cooking in Julie and Julia, she decided to start a blog entitled The 1 Year Manbbatical.

“I think about boys all the time,” Brosseau confesses. “Not having orgasms is not the issue. I can do that by myself. It’s much more pleasant to be doing it with someone else.”

Feeling that her career was stalling and at 33 her biological clock was ticking, Brosseau realized she had to make a change.

She decided that her relationships with men were the problem and the solution would be to abstain from all romantic relationships.

She realized sex was making her feel anxious and unhappy. She had endured a series of terrible relationships and was ready for something different.

“I was on this path of choosing the wrong men for me,” she said. “If I’m just sleeping with somebody, I invest so much. And it’s not reciprocated.”

She developed the project and website within days of her sexual epiphany. The stipulations of the 1 Year Manbbatical include no sex, dating, kissing or flirting of any kind. The 10 rules even prohibit sexually suggestive communication, including text messages, Facebook status updates and Twitter tweets. She has also banned handholding and taking pictures with men.

Brosseau deliberately made the rules strict to prevent the minor flirtatious behaviours that, she felt, led her to make bad romantic decisions.

She managed to avoid temptation and stave off the lust and loneliness she felt until the five-month mark of the project, when she kissed a fellow comic.

Other than using pseudonyms in place of the proper names of her friends and lovers, Brosseau does not censor her blog. When she kissed ‘Magic Trick’ he asked her not to blog about it, but she did anyway.

6 | Sexposé

“Imagine I hadn’t (blogged about it) and people found out about it,” she said. “Then nobody would take this project seriously. I wouldn’t be able to take myself seriously. It would be a sham.”

The biggest test came a few weeks later when she met ‘Him.’ “I’m not in love with ‘Him,’ but deep, overwhelming feelings came up for me that have been suppressed,” she wrote on her blog. “I’m not talking about lust. That’s been bubbling at my surface for quite some time.

I’m like a raging bag of sexual propellant.”

A typical posting on The 1 Year Manbbatical can include Brosseau’s feelings for her unrequited crushes, explicit sexual fantasies or the back story on former boyfriends and lovers. She has received some flack from her readers who feel that she talks about men too much for someone who is on a manbbatical. She feels this stems from misconceptions about the project.

“It’s actually not a project with no dudes. It’s a project with me not dating,” she said. “On stage, I talk a lot about sexuality and my sex life and my body… I think it’s an important thing to talk about and something that we don’t have to take super seriously.”

As of May

“I am an a ctor and sta nd 18th 2010 , I’ve given -up comedian. I am boy-crazy. up on rom (Or wome antic love n. I get slig for 365 da htly gay aft ys. No men er a few co . cktails...)”

– Claire Br From her b osseau log, ‘The 1 Year Manb b atical’ www.claire brosseau.c om

The 10 Rules of the Manbbatical Despite some negative comments, her readers are generally encouraging. Justin Beach is an avid reader and has been blogging for the past five years.

“I’ve taken my share of criticism, slander and cheap shots,” he said.

“Sadly, the Internet, which gives everyone the opportunity to share their ideas and experiences, also gives people the opportunity to anonymously say things that they would never say in a face-to-face conversation.”

Ultimately, Brosseau has hopes of turning the project into a book once the year is complete. This attracted the attention of Michael Hollett, cofounder and co-owner of Now Magazine in Toronto. He was the driving force in the decision to syndicate her blog online. Hollett met Brosseau through mutual friends over a year ago, but it was his assistant and other colleagues who introduced him to the blog.

“I was intrigued; they were compelled,” Hollett said. “I guess sometimes one has to clear the palate, whether they’re dining or dating.”

While she has yet to decide what exactly she will do once the project is over, right now Brosseau is focused on personal growth and the journey involved.

“The ultimate goal for me is to change… To figure out why I do the things I do with men, why I treat myself the way I treat myself, why I might hop into bed with somebody,” she said. “I just want to be better than I am.”

1. No sex 2. No kissing 3. No flirty texts, emails or conversations of any kind 4. No dates (including lunch and coffee) 5. No handholding 6. No pictures 7. No suggestive status updates/tweets 8. No looking at dudes’* website/Facebook/Twitter page more than once every 24 hours 9. No inviting boys* to my shows or going to theirs 10. No making any decisions based on dudes* (including gigs, outings or number of drinks consumed once realized said boys* are in same location)

*Men/man-boy-child of particular interest.

Sexposé | 7

LOCKER-ROOM TALK 8| Sexposé

Vanessa Brown, Sexposé

BY VANESSA BROWN • Tim Sayle can count on one hand the number of times he’s talked to his friends about the sex he’s had with his girlfriend of five years.

The 24-year-old Centennial College student recalled a time when a friend was talking about his sex life, wanting details in return. Sayle equates locker-room talk – men telling stories of their sexual proclivities – with insecurity.

“Maybe they think they have something to prove,” he said. “I want to prove that I can write a good song, or make a good film; I don’t need to prove that I can have sex with a girl.”

Deborah Tannen has studied the way males interact with each other, and turned her observations into the best-selling book You Just Don’t Understand! Women and Men in Conversation. The Washington, D.C.-based linguist said many men boast about sex, instead of divulging their feelings about it, because that is what they learned when they were younger. The way boys talk to each other when forming friendships carries over into adulthood.

“Talking about what’s going on in your relationship is not something that boys have done since they were kids, so they don’t miss it when they don’t do it,” Tannen said.

“There wouldn’t be any purpose in doing it (now) with friends.”

Citing research done in the 1980s by UCLA anthropologist Marjorie Harness Goodwin, Tannen said girls form friendships with other girls by talking – mainly by telling secrets – whereas boys negotiate friendships through action. Tannen said a boy’s best friend “is the one you do everything with. If there’s a fight, he’ll be on my side.”

But not all men fit the mould, she notes.

“Obviously there are men who do feel close if they tell about their problems with women to their friends,” she said. “Percentage-wise, it’s less common for men than women to feel that that makes you closer.”

David Wayne, 20, is single and lives in Richmond Hill.

When he is talking with his friends about women, he says the conversation stays mostly on the surface.

“I guess guys do open up sometimes, but it’s never too serious,” he said. “I’ll tell my buddies (sex) positions and if it’s good or not.”

In You Just Don’t Understand!, Tannen writes that men will engage more in conversations that serve a purpose, whereas women grow up equating friendship with emotional dialogue.

“He deplores chit-chat and believes that talk should have significant content, be interesting and meaningful,” she wrote about one male. “Opposed in principle to, and simply unpractised in, making small talk, he is at a loss when there is no ‘big talk’ available.”

While girls concentrate more on how secret-sharing will bring them closer to a friend, boys have been found to be driven by status and accomplishment.

Wayne said that sex talk in his hockey locker room is not as prevalent as some believe. When he and his teammates do talk about women, it is mostly self-serving.

“Some people say, ‘I took down a girl last night,’ or, ‘I got a kill last night,’” he explained.

A man’s need to avoid emotional detail by boasting to his friends has roots in the power struggle that develops between male friends. Tannen said men equate secretsharing with vulnerability; expressing their true feelings about a sexual dalliance the night before could result in a loss of power and dominance over their friends. Wayne and Sayle both agree that boasting occurs more in a group setting than in one-on-one situations.

“The way it’s described for boys is that they have to take centre stage by the way they’re talking, so that they’ll have high status in the group,” Tannen said. “I think the tendency to boast has a ritual aspect to it. It’s a kind of verbal play. You try to top each other… It’s that one-up, one-down power dynamic that you’re focusing on.”

Last year, Sayle’s sister walked in on him receiving oral sex. Not knowing how to deal with his embarrassment, he told a trusted friend. In return, his friend said it had happened to him before too.

Tannen said men seek closeness in their friendships with other men, albeit in a different way than women.

Sharing embarrassing stories in a joking manner is “a different way of getting that, ‘I know, the same thing happened to me.’”

“What can look like wholly different ways of doing things,” she said, “can often be different ways of doing the same thing.”

Victoria Gray, Sexposé

BOYS WILL BE BOYS: Tyler Holiday, 13 (left) and Evan McGrath, 13 (far right) hang out with their skate boards outside of Holiday’s house, talking about sex. Dylan Tower, 20 (middle) relaxes in the SEC office waiting to give advice to info-seekers.

The other side of the coin A pre-teen look at sex

BY VICTORIA GRAY • Dylan Tower didn’t feel like he could tell his friend to stop. Tower, 20, found himself in a bad situation last fall – drunk and at a bathhouse. He and his friend decided to fool around. Tower didn’t feel comfortable, but his buddy wouldn’t ease up. He ended up kicking him in the chest to get away.

The experience had a lasting impact on him. “(It) has been quite traumatic, actually, in my sexual experiences with men because I can no longer have sex with someone who is larger than me,” he said.

Tower, an engineering student at the University of Toronto and an executive and peer counsellor at the university’s Sexual Education Centre (SEC), discovered a lack of communication about sex and sexuality is common between most people.

He believes that people need to learn to speak more openly in the bedroom in order to have successful and fulfilling sex lives.

“Communicate. That’s the biggest thing,” he said. “If you talk to your partner about it, it is much less likely that they will be disappointed with your sexual abilities… The best thing to do would be to find an understanding partner.”

Tyler Holiday, 13, who lives in Scarborough, doesn’t feel like he has anybody to talk to about sex.

He has a girlfriend and is starting to think about becoming more sexually active, but doesn’t know exactly what to do or who to ask.

He has two older sisters and his parents, but he just can’t talk to them.

“It would just be awkward,” he said. “I (think I) would get in trouble (if I asked).”

Tower counts himself lucky because he lost his virginity in a safe space and in a safe way.

His first sexual experience happened when he was 15. He was dating a girl who had previous sexual experience and was very open to a dialogue about sex.

“We were both very comfortable talking about sex,” he said. “We decided within the first week of the relationship that we were going to wait at least two months, because it was going to be her 16th birthday in two

months. We had a lot of build-up to it.”

When Holiday kissed his girlfriend for the first time, it didn’t go so well. He didn’t know when it was supposed to end or what he was supposed to do afterward.

He said he didn’t talk to his girlfriend beforehand and he didn’t talk to her after.

“It just kind of felt weird after,” he said. “It was awkward.”

Tower believes if you have a conversation before attempting sexual activities, you may know more about your partner and what they like and dislike. Tower also urges people to communicate during sexual activities.

“It’s not something you can really spring on someone,” Tower said.

“It’s a big issue and some people take offence to it.”

However, he acknowledges that sometimes that can be difficult.

“It’s like any other hard conversation you have to have,” he said “It can be something that you would plan out and say, ‘Hey, can we have this conversation at some point in the future?’”

Evan McGrath, 13, doesn’t have much experience with girls, but he does know that sex isn’t like it is in the movies.

He is shy about admitting that he has watched pornography and what he has learned from it.

“My friend was watching at his house, that’s all,” he said. “I’m not ready (for sex).”

He worries that when he is ready he won’t be able to tell the difference between positive moaning and painful moaning. He assumes intercourse must hurt for a girl, but nobody has ever told him that. “(I would be afraid of) hurting, making it hurt (for her),” he said. “I just think it kind of would, you know?”

McGrath would not want to put a girl he cared for in a painful situation, but he doesn’t know what to do, or how to ask for help.

Tower said the only way to know if it is painful for your partner is to ask questions like, ‘Is this OK?’ and ‘Does this hurt?’ He recommends using lots of lubricant and searching for helpful information online.

“If you don’t ask questions, your partner could be like, ‘OK this hurts, but I want to make sure that they’re having a good time maybe it will get better,’” he said. “And then they end up with some kind of tear or an STI.”

Sexposé | 9

Prostitution laws struck down One sex worker foresees a seismic shift in her job

Vanessa Brown, Sexposé

STATE OF FLUX: On Dec. 3, an Ontario Court of Appeal judge ruled that this province’s prostitutes won’t be able to legally operate brothels, at least not yet. In September, Justice Susan Himel struck down the three prostitution laws challenged by Osgoode Hall lawyer Alan Young (right), on behalf of Valerie Scott (left) and Terri-Jean Bedford (middle). The appeal is supposed to start in June.

BY VANESSA BROWN •

W

hile her colleagues surrounded her with tears and laughter, jumping up with explosive excitement, Ruby Jeffrey sat motionless, dazed with disbelief. Her state of shock reflects a decade of secrecy in the sex-trade industry, and being ignored by the Canadian legal system.

“As a sex worker, you’re not used to things going your way, or anyone listening to you, ever,” Jeffrey said.

On Sept. 28, Ontario Superior Court Justice Susan Himel delivered a landmark ruling that quashed three Criminal Code prostitution prohibitions: operating a common bawdy house, communicating for the purposes of prostitution and living off the avails of sex work. Himel suspended the ruling from taking effect until

10 | Sexposé

Nov. 27. In early December, a stay of the ruling was extended, giving federal government lawyers time to prepare an appeal, which is supposed to begin in June. In her 131-page ruling, Justice Himel argued that the provisions, which were originally included to protect sex workers’ safety, actually put prostitutes in danger.

Osgoode Hall Law Professor Alan Young represented three former sex workers in the yearlong battle.

“The idea that we really need to hold onto the existing law to protect society is… disingenuous, or even a lie,” Young said. “We’re not using the current law in a way that protects society.”

Jeffrey, a pseudonym, believes the current Criminal Code provisions cover sex workers

with a blanket of tension in their daily dealings with clients, from negotiating services beforehand, to worrying that the flow of traffic outside their bawdy houses will rouse suspicion in their neighbours.

“Even though nothing’s changed yet on the ground, I think that even just the possibility that we don’t have to have legal repercussions for doing this job does make your ability to enjoy the job greater,” she explained. “It gives us a more carefree attitude towards the job because there is always tension and anxiety when you’re doing this work. You could be criminalized at any moment, and you never know when that’s going to come.”

She argues that the illegality of operating indoors with two other prostitutes forces her

into vulnerable and dangerous situations on the street. She wants to be able to work safely indoors, and not live in fear of criminalization for hiring security – punishable under the living off the avails provision.

If prostitution laws are eventually struck down, Jeffrey, who’s in her early 40s, wouldn’t have to fear for her daughter’s freedom either.

The 18-year-old university student receives support from her mother’s sex work and is technically guilty of living off her earnings.

“If I’m on my own, working in isolation, which is the most dangerous way to do it, it’s 100 per cent legal,” Jeffrey said. “But I would have to put myself in the most danger to do that, and that’s why I don’t… We need to be able to work together for our safety.”

REAL Women of Canada, a socially conservative national organization, maintains that decriminalizing prostitution will lead to the exploitation of vulnerable women and increased trafficking.

Diane Watts, a representative of REAL Women of Canada, said Justice Himel let liberal sexuality ideology cloud her judgment.

“There’s an ideology here which is disconnected from the reality,” Watts said in an interview. “So we apply the ideology and claim it’s going to give women power, or increase their sexuality, or liberate them; but in actual fact, what happens is it’s a degredation of the prostitutes.”

Watts believes the decriminalization debate belongs in Parliament, where “there’s a wider range of consultation.”

Juliet November, also an alias, is a Torontobased sex worker. She works with Maggie’s, a prostitutes’ education project on Gerrard Street, to empower those in the sex trade. She

our numbers.”

Definitive statistics on Toronto prostitutes simply don’t exist, Jeffrey said. REAL Women of Canada claims 90 per cent of prostitutes want out of the trade. Jeffrey finds that view biased because, according to her experience, the majority of prostitutes are secretive due to fear of criminalization.

“Between 80 and 90 per cent of it is indoor, invisible stuff that we have worked on for years to be discreet so that there’s no complaints,” Jeffrey said.

“There’s just no data on this because we’re an invisible group. Even though we’re the huge majority… we’ve really worked at… being able to slide under the radar. I know thousands of (indoor) sex workers.”

Jeffrey contends that the Canadian prostitution landscape will largely remain the same if the three provisions are nullified.

She said it is illogical to argue that sex workers will fill the streets, when, in reality, even street-level prostitutes can afford low-level brothels.

“It’s an absurdity to make something which is inherently risky a legal right,” Watts said. “Those laws against prostitution are there to proVanessa Brown, Sexposé tect women.”

Neither Jeffrey nor November has ever experienced violence from their clients. They say sex work isn’t inherhelps prostitutes understand their civil rights ently risky; rather, their clients are generally during bi-weekly meetings on safety and con- appreciative and complimentary, leaving them feeling empowered. structing bad client lists.

While Jeffrey observed her fellow sex work“It’s extremely offensive for someone who is not a sex worker and does not understand ers’ rapture in court Sept. 28, she felt a heavy this industry whatsoever to tell us where it weight melt off her shoulders.

“I can’t afford to be put out of commission by belongs,” said November, referring to the Parliament-versus-courts debate. “I’m a sex work some incident,” she said. “I’m a single mother. activist because we… know what’s best; we There’s a whole safety structure built in, and I know what we need, and we have strength in need that.”

THE HISTORY OF CANADIAN PROSTITUTION Exchanging sexual services for money has always been legal in Canada.

However, provisions surrounding prostitution make it hard for sex workers to steer clear of the law. The current Bedford v. Canada case brings three of those laws into question: operating a bawdy house, solicitation, and living off the avails of sex work.

• In 1983, Justice Minister Mark MacGuigan commissioned the Fraser Committee to review Canada’s prostitution laws. The committee recommended that the three provisions now in question be revised. The Fraser Committee also called for tougher sanctions against street prostitutes, who they said were more likely to disrupt the public. In exchange, the committee proposed that up to two sex workers could conduct their business in a brothel.

• 1985: Bill C-49 was introduced, making it illegal to stop traffic or “communicate in a public place for the purposes of prostitution.”

Alan Young, an Osgoode Hall law professor who’s currently challenging the laws, argues that the status quo on prostitution has been upheld long enough. He said the current laws, which were introduced in order to protect sex workers from harm, actually put them at risk. The Crown says the province of Ontario would enter into a “dangerous social experiment” if the three laws in question are wiped from the Criminal Code.

Sexposé | 11

More than

just

pillow talk

Discovering your own sensuality can be an intensely personal experience. However, Aileen Donnelly discovered that when three Torontonian women went through this, they felt they had to share their knowledge with other women in the city.

Photos by Aileen Donnelly and Victoria Gray, Sexposé

12 | Sexposé

Carlyle Jansen, Alyson Joy and Sharon Clements have received numerous accolades over the years from women they have educated, advised, entertained and inspired.

Clements, 55, has always discussed sex openly with her children. Four years ago, she brought her candor to a wider audience and became a sales consultant for Fantasia, a company that provides in-home information sessions on their sensual product line.

Joy, 29, developed Felinity – a mind-body fitness program that incorporates pole dancing after a personal experience led her to discover the benefits of exercising a woman’s femininity and sensuality.

Jansen, 44, has a bachelor of commerce and a master’s degree but decided to open Good For Her, a sex-positive store geared towards women, to educate people on sexuality.

“I certainly know for myself, learning about sex was really a powerful tool. So that’s why I’m passionate [about educating others],” Jansen said. “It’s about making a difference.”

Jansen grew up in a family that did not discuss sex. Throughout her adolescence she focused on sports and avoided sex until her early 20s.

Sharon Clements

Courtesy of Alyson Joy

However, once she began to explore her sexuality, she encountered a problem – she couldn’t have an orgasm.

While Jansen came to accept this, others could not.

“A few years and relationships later I got dumped because I couldn’t orgasm.

So I decided to figure it out and a friend of mine pointed me to a vibrator,” Jansen said. “A couple weeks later I had an orgasm so I thought, ‘It’s time for me to start learning.’”

At her sister’s bridal shower a few years later, Jansen realized her newfound knowledge of sex could benefit others too. While her sister’s friends arrived with salad bowls and wine glasses, Jansen wrapped an array of sex toys. “[My sister] opened the toys that I brought and all her friends freaked out.

Alyson Joy They all said ,‘Oh my god what is that thing and where do you stick it?’… So I just told them,” Jansen said. “They said, ‘You’re so comfortable talking about sex. You should do workshops.’”

Jansen was surprised, as she had grown up feeling uncomfortable, but decided to give it a try.

She started facilitating sex workshops in 1995. By 1997 demand was high enough to open Good for Her at Bathurst and Bloor streets, a place where Jansen could provide sexuality workshops as well as a comfortable place for women to purchase products to compliment what they learned.

Joy focused her life on becoming a professional dancer at a young age and had little time for anything else. In her early 20s, she found work in Toronto as a go-go dancer – freestyling in nightclubs and at corporate events. This was Joy’s first opportunity to explore her own personal style as a dancer without a choreographer and at the same time she discovered her feminine sensuality.

“I felt like it was this new way of moving my body that was a dimension of myself that I never tapped into physically in the modern dance professional world,” Joy said.

She realized that most dance choreography is non-gendered and doesn’t accentuate femininity. She decided this was true of fitness programs too, and women were not offered the opportunity to explore and exercise their sensuality outside the bedroom.

“I felt like I had figured out this beautiful gift. It was this tool that I had and this opportunity to exercise once a week was like therapy,” Joy said. “I was trying to figure out how I could get that idea out there to all women.”

And so, she developed the Felinity program and opened a fitness studio and wellness space at Broadview and Danforth avenues. In this space, women are encouraged to free themselves of their inhibitions and forget about seeking validation so that they can discover and enjoy their own sensuality.

Clements grew up in a household where it was awkward to talk about sex. She said she was not misinformed growing up, but she didn’t learn about pleasurable aspects of sex. As a result, she made a conscious decision to speak openly to her daughters – right from the beginning.

“My girls always came to me with their questions and their friends always came to me with their questions,” Clements said. “I’m a pretty open person and I always gave them my honest opinion of what I felt, or things they could try.”

When she decided to host a Fantasia party with her daughter, her friends and family said she should be the one giving the presentation.

Soon thereafter, Clements became a consultant.

After presenting at over 250 parties, Clements still loves her job.

She said the at-home parties offer an option for women who are too

shy to ask questions in a store or even go in.

“It’s a very touchy subject… and if it’s too formal you put people on edge,” Clements said. “If it’s done in a fun way, everybody relaxes; they get the information and then they can come and shop privately, which is a good thing too.”

When Jansen opened Good for Her she wanted to create a space where women, who felt uncomfortable walking into any other sex-store, would feel comfortable She has achieved this by locating her store on a side street, not having window displays and offering tea and a comfy seat to her customers.

“I have to ask some pretty personal questions,” Jansen said. “You just say it as though your talking about breakfast cereal.

Then they are just going to respond in the same kind of way. And they’ll be kind of surprised after what they revealed and talked about.”

For Joy, incorporating the pole into the Felinity program helps women grasp the pedagogy of Felinity physically as well as emotionally.

“The idea of pole within the program is great because, for me, I use it as a tool, so women can explore their feminity and feel very physically strong at the same time,” Joy said. “It actually requires a lot of strength and self-confidence and there’s a lot of empowerment.”

Joy said Felinity encourages women to become mind-body connected. Benefits include an increased libido, and enhanced body awareness.

Jansen, Clements and Joy agree that any woman could benefit from the array of services offered to enhance a woman’s sensuality. However, women have to want to learn and be open to new experiences.

“People are just having sex, doing whatever,” Jansen said. “At some point they decide, ‘Is their something more?’”

Sexposé | 13

Pornography Educating today’s youth

BY AILEEN DONNELLY • The summer before Grade 5, Kailan Baker stayed up late one night to peruse the pay-perview channels his household had illegal access to. He found what he was looking for.

This would be his first encounter with pornography, but it was far from the last for the now 23-year-old Toronto resident.

Not all of Baker’s peers had access to porn at the click of a button 10 years ago. Those who did would share it with the rest of the group.

“At recess we all used to gather ‘round and tell the stories of the pornos we watched on the weekend. There was only two or three of us that watched them. The other guys would just listen,” Baker said. “Porn’s just one of those things that every boy kind of knows about.”

Dave Forte, 29, also vividly remembers his early encounters with pornography. At age 14, he would trade baseball cards with a friend’s older brother for what would become his most prized possessions: Playboy and Hustler magazines.

For the two of them, the hunt for pornographic material was constant. Baker’s family eventually got rid of the pay-per-view access and Forte’s mother disposed of his magazines whenever she found his stash.

The Internet was a risky place back then. You had to create a fake account to access images that were unreliable in quality and would often leave your computer ridden with viruses, Baker said. Not until about four years ago could you easily access full-length, free, quality pornographic videos on the Internet.

The next generation of children will have no more than the click of a mouse separating them from every genre of pornography, far more hardcore than what Baker found on pay-perview and Forte in his magazines.

Experts disagree whether increased access to hardcore pornography will have a significant and detrimental effect on how boys view women, themselves, sex, and their sexuality.

Or whether what men learn from pornography can have any educational value.

As a 10-year-old, Baker knew that sex and pornography existed, but not the mechanics of either. He never received a sex talk from his parents and formal sexual education far from prepared him for what he saw.

“I knew you were supposed to wear condoms, but I didn’t know about AIDS or STDs. I didn’t know about the parts of the vagina. I really didn’t know anything other than it was sex,” Baker said. “I don’t think I really learned much from school about sex, ever. I learnt mostly from talking with the other kids and watching it.”

For better or worse, Forte also attributes the majority of his sex education to porn. While viewing it, he discovered the type of woman he felt most attracted to, different sex positions he would like to try and that women will react to different stimuli.

Toronto-based Rebecca Rosenblat, a relationship and sexuality therapist and host of the television program Sex @ 11, said while men may learn the mechanics of sex while watching pornography, it skews their knowledge and ex-

Aileen Donnelly, Sexposé

14 | Sexposé

pectations. She suggests a professional “howto” series, such as those available from the Sinclair Institute, as a far more reliable resource.

“Porn covers the basics of body parts and what can happen, but not necessarily what women enjoy,” Rosenblat said. “Since guys see the women act enthused, they assume their girls will too, putting pressure on the partners to fake or just go along with it.”

While Forte agrees that his first time was a letdown due to the high expectations he had concocted while watching pornography, he attributed the failure to himself, not his partner.

“I thought I was doing something wrong.

Obviously, there was something that porn stars could do and I couldn’t,” Forte said. “Is it my penis size? Is it the rhythm? I guess it started to dawn on me that (porn) was over the top. It was Hollywood, just like any other movie you watch. Women set me straight.”

Wayne Sumner, 69, also believes that women will set men straight when it comes to misconceptions formed while watching pornography.

As a philosophy professor at the University of Toronto and author of The Hateful and the Obscene, he has examined whether pornography causes sufficient harm to women in particular to warrant stricter obscenity laws in Canada.

“My view was that pornography has to descend to the level of true misogyny – it actually has to be women-hating – in order for there to be any plausible argument that its availability harms girls or women,” Sumner said.

Rosenblat said watching porn habitually can skew men’s view of sexuality in a number of ways. These include unrealistic standards, difficulty becoming aroused during regular sex, the inability to comprehend a connection between sex and emotions when in a relationship, addiction to pornography and difficulty reaching orgasm without masturbating.

Sumner said boys will inevitably seek out pornography when they become interested in sex, around the time of puberty. He said the fact that they will be able to access a wider range of material than ever before is worrisome, but the alternative, where they are not allowed to satisfy their visual curiosity, is worse.

“I think porn is sexually educational and we’d be worse off without it, even though many of the messages it conveys are not particularly healthy ones. On the whole, I think what I’d like to see is better porn,” Sumner said.

“It’s here for good. I feel the same way about it as I do about video games. They’re a force for good and a force for evil and you hope the good outweighs the evil.”

Late night guilty pleasures Wife, mother - Porno writer?

BY VICTORIA GRAY •

rently teaches writing at Ryerson University and Sheridan College.

She agrees with Mavison that it is difficult for most erotica writers to openly discuss their work.

Although Simmons is proud of every romance novel that she has written, she moved on to writing about other aspects of relationships, like what happens after the ‘happily ever after.’

“For me, the problem with continuing to write romance novels was that the relationships between men and women are not the only relationships we have in our lives,” she said. “They are not always the most interesting either.”

Mavison agrees that sex may not be the most important aspect of our lives, but it is a large part of it.

She thinks sex scenes in novels can often be used for character development and that people are the most honest during sex.

“Sex itself is kind of funny,” she said. “We’re kind of goofy, we lose control… One of the things we need to do to get comfortable with sex is to talk about it.”

However, romance writer Michele Ann Young, 63, believes that sexual fantasy is important, but scenes written in Harlequin novels should only be included if they add to the plot.

“I don’t shy away from the bedroom door at all,” she said “What we are doing in historical romance is presenting a kind of fantasy of how it might have been. It also has to be part of the story.

It has to really drive the story forward. If you can take out a love scene and not change the story, then the love scene shouldn’t be there.”

Mavison’s next erotica novel, The Way You Say, is being published by Dreamspinner Press and is set to come out in January 2011.

It chronicles the past and present meetings of two archaeologists and their sexual relationship.

“I decided to combine two of my interests, sex and archaeology. I really love archaeology,” she said. “It explores a lot of the embarrassment of sexual attraction for someone that is inappropriate. Either it’s in an inappropriate place or it’s an inappropriate situation.”

She enjoys being able to make sex a more realistic reading experience, writing what she calls “more legitimate pieces.”

Sex can be awkward, she said, and dealing with the aftermath is often a great way to get over yourself because you will have better sex as soon as you do.

“Sex has always been something I’ve always considered to be just part of your life, I don’t consider it to be something that you hide away and I’m not shy about it,” she said. “Writing about sex is just like writing about anything else that’s part of my life.”

Courtesy of Dar Mavison

Dar Mavison takes sex out of the bedroom and into the office.

Mavison, 46, lives in Toronto and is the mother of two young adults.

She’s had the same partner for 25 years.

She is very involved in her children’s lives and makes every effort to keep it that way.

In 1999 she was looking for part-time work with flexible hours to supplement the household income.

She stumbled upon an ad for a sex writer in Eye Weekly. She has been writing pornography ever since.

“There is this stereotype of the people who write porn. It’s like some guy in an undershirt with a big belly, his hairy belly showing under his undershirt,” she said. “And he’s sitting at a typewriter in a dimly lit basement with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and it’s like, ‘no, no, no, we’re not like that at all.’”

Mavison got a contract to write 60,000 words per month for 11 different pornographic magazines, making approximately $20 per hour for doing so. She wrote letters posing as men and women wanting sexual encounters.

“This was very much ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’... I wasn’t creating three-dimensional people with fully realized lives,” she said. “It was like, ‘well, you know I’m going to be a girl and I’m going to be this age, and I’m going to have this kind of a body, and I’m going to be really horny, and I’m going out to wherever to find a guy.’”

Mavison caught the attention of her publisher with her fetish writing. Subsequently, she was published in eight different fetish magazines.

However, after a few years it became difficult to think of new and interesting ways to write about fetishes.

“It did get very boring,” she said.

“At one point in time when I was writing a lot of the fetish stuff, I would write out these lists of fetishes and write out these lists of possible combinations of (people involved). Then I would pick randomly from the lists and put them together to put into the story to make it fresh.”

Mavison, who takes pride in her work, is somewhat reserved about her career. However, she believes there is nothing worse than repressing a healthy sexuality.

She thinks one can experience a healthy fantasy through erotic novels, which she now writes, and come to terms with their sexual identity.

“A lot of what I like to write about is people discovering things about themselves and I think that we discover new things about ourselves, when it comes to sex, all the time,” she said. “If we’re not then we are having boring sex.”

Lynda Simmons, 56, is a former Harlequin romance writer who cur-

Sexposé | 15

From the ground up

BY VANESSA BROWN • In the narrow basement of a pre-war brick house on Jarvis Street, nine Francophone-African women form a semi-circle around their instructor, Anda Li. Li, a sexual health promoter for Toronto Public Health, writes the word sex in bold black letters on an easel and asks the women what comes to mind.

Participant Christine Toh is one of the first to answer.

“If you don’t know about sexuality, every time (you have sex) you’re ashamed,” she said.

The first step of the sexual health program encourages the women to speak honestly about their own notions of sexuality. Menbere Gabreselassie, African coalition project co-ordinator from the Eritrean Canadian Community Centre of Metropolitan Toronto, said that step is crucial.

“Those simple exercises in a supportive group with other women was almost cathartic for them because it’s something that they’ve been carrying around for ages and have never really been allowed to explore,” she said.

The year-long Empowering African Immigrant Women to Become Leaders in Raising Sexually Healthy Children program consists of three Saturday workshops, which ended in mid-October, and is funded by Status of Women Canada. The Eritrean Canadian Community Centre, the program’s sponsor, Africans in Partnership Against AIDS (APAA), and Toronto Public Health work in partnership to deliver the curriculum, which is open to all Francophone-

SEX AND SEXUALITY African women. Anna Laziri, from APAA, cofacilitated the program with Li. After the training, participants then lead sexuality discussion groups with parents in their own communities.

The women must first learn what sexuality means before they can teach others.

“They explore where their sexuality is coming from, and that creates awareness,” Li said.

“You have to go through it by discussion and sharing.”

Toh, 51, immigrated to Canada- settling in Toronto - from Ivory Coast in 2004 to gain a better life for her children. Although her three sons are now in their 20s, she believes it’s better late than never to talk to them about sex.

“I still want to talk to them about this because they don’t know anything (about sexuality),” she said. “I’m telling you, in Africa, you don’t talk about sex.”

Nor do parents hug and kiss in front of their children, Toh said; it’s taboo there. Her parents never discussed sex with her when she was younger, which is something she doesn’t want to pass on to her sons and future grandchildren.

Li said part of her responsibility, as one of the program’s instructors, is to remain culturally sensitive. In order for Francophone-African women to learn about, and feel comfortable with, their own sexuality, Li encourages them to talk honestly about it. According to Gabreselassie, one of Li’s gifts includes steering clear of making them feel that their cultural

Vanessa Brown, Sexposé

16 | Sexposé

The empowerment workshop’s facilitators placed great emphasis on ensuring that participant’s knew the difference between sex and sexuality.

While the two are inextricably linked, they have different meanings. Sex refers to the act of intercourse; sexuality is derived from sexual power, which includes body image, gender roles and identity, and relationships.

“I thought it was just going to be about sex, but I’ve learned about my own sexuality too,” said Ngala, one of the participants.

views on sexuality are inappropriate.

“What Anda is encouraging the women to do is to think critically and not to perpetuate unconsciously,” Gabreselassie said.

During one of the exercises, the women explored how their parents passed values down to them. Toh said because she never saw her parents express affection, she repeated that in her own marriage.

“When you grow up and never see your father and mother even kissing, how are you going to do that around your own children?” she asked. “You have shame in your head from the beginning.”

That exercise, in turn, allows the women to explore their sexual values. When they’re encouraged to do so, Gabreselassie said, they’re able to debunk some of the myths they grew up with.

“Whatever you’re modelling, you’re going to perpetuate for the next generation,” she said.

Coming to terms with North American culture is part of the process so that they can decipher those messages for their children.

Angele Ngala, 37, wasn’t used to the overt images of sexuality shown on Canadian television when she came to Toronto from the Democratic Republic of Congo in 2001. Ngala doesn’t have children of her own, but as a teacher in the Toronto Catholic District School Board, she wanted to be involved in the program.

“Parents have a big responsibility, so it’s good they’re empowered in this session so that they can spread the message,” Ngala said. “It can help prevent so many things that can happen in our society because of ignorance.”

nnocense lost

BY VANESSA BROWN • A Toronto author and journalist says Canadian legislators should take a lesson from their colleagues south of the border when it comes to punishing pedophiles.

“We don’t sentence appropriately at all, given the damage done,” said Judy Steed, who wrote the book Our Little Secret: Confronting Child Sexual Abuse in Canada.

A youth sex study, published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in November, suggests children under 12 years old are not adequately protected from sexual abuse.

Of the 711 children who were 12 years of age at the time of the study, almost 40 per cent said they were under 12 when they first had sexual intercourse, while their partner was at least 20 years old. A little over one per cent of 14-yearolds said their first partner was over 20 years old. Sex with youth under 13 is illegal in Canada, and punishable under the Criminal Code.

“Given that existing laws do not seem to be protecting the most sexually vulnerable group of children, those less than 13 years of age, future policy in Canada should focus on effective strategies to address the problem of child sexual abuse, including increasing the enforcement of existing child abuse laws,” the study concluded.

Steed could not agree more. She said the sentencing for pedophiles in this country is “ridiculously light.”

Her 1994 book detailed the 15-year sexual stranglehold John Gallienne, an organist at St. George’s Cathedral in Kingston, held on teenaged boys in his choir.

In 1990, Gallienne was sentenced to six years in a Kingston medium-security prison.

He served four. Last August, he was again charged with sexually abusing two more choirboys in the late ‘70s.

It remains to be seen whether a national dialogue about curbing sexual abuse belongs in Parliament or school sexual-education classes.

In the meantime, experts say parents cannot be afraid of talking to their kids about the issue, even before they are 10 years old.

“We have to take the moral issue out of it in the sense that there are people who will say, ‘We can’t have that kind of talk with younger kids,’” said Liberal MP (Willowdale) Marsha Hall Findlay.

“I think that’s somewhat boring. We know

YOUTH SEXUAL CONDUCT

Data courtesy of The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality

that there are problems out there…If these things are happening to young kids, they should have that information.”

Dr. Ruth Gallop, a childhood sexual abuse expert at the University of Toronto, said a particular kind of education is needed. Rather than lecturing, she said parents should instead help their kids develop a sense of inappropriate adult behaviour. Children readily trust adults, she said, and can be easily seduced.

“It’s helping these kids understand that this may not be in their best interest,” Gallop said. “And that’s really hard because often it’s the most vulnerable kids who are targeted, the ones who don’t have such a good sense of self.”

Pedophiles prey on vulnerability, according to Steed. She said that Gallienne was able to go undetected for years because he was highly revered by the Kingston upper class who attended St. George’s, many of whom were professors at Queen’s University.

Gallienne knew which boys needed the most attention, Steed said, and zeroed in on them.

When rumours of his sexual abuse began circulating, most parents refused to believe them, which is very common, according to Gallop.

Many adults cannot bear the thought of children being mistreated sexually, so they refuse to entertain the thought.

The notion that such a highly respected individual could never violate children that trusted him is also common, she said.

“It’s counter-intuitive,” Steed said. “You can’t understand it, but many people are in denial, and many people don’t want to have to deal with unpleasant subjects. What I saw in Kingston was the embarrassment that (parents) felt, too, at being exposed.”

Denial is one of many factors that impedes honest discussion about child sexual abuse, according to Alex McKay, a sexual health education expert at the Toronto-based Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN).

“The more that parents and educators together are able to have frank, relevant discussions with youth about sexual health, including issues like sexual exploitation, the more effectively we’re going to be able to deal with these issues,” McKay said.

That dialogue will not begin until parents come to terms with the prevalence of child sexual abuse, Steed said.

The issue too often remains out of the national consciousness until it is too late, until another victim comes forward, she said.

“Children don’t stand a chance if they’re not being carefully protected by vigilant parents.”

Sexposé | 17

• BL AK E NI CA

Saving Face

BY

VE RO

Razors, shaving cream and Nair dominate Robin Bradley’s bathroom counter.

The blue-collar construction and restoration worker ‘manscapes’.

Curiosity overtook him when he first shaved the peach fuzz off his face at 10 years of age. Today, the 25-year-old Scarborough resident can spend up to three hours a week on hair removal. He describes himself as hairy.

“I’ve heard Sasquatch. I’ve heard Wolfman.

I’ve heard beast,” Bradley said. “If I was in the 1970s, I’d be a king.”

Sex and the City introduced the Brazilian bikini wax to countless women at the turn of the millennium. When Queer Eye for the Straight Guy debuted in 2003, the show followed suit with a rampage of male body hair removal and grooming. In 2005, The 40-Year-Old Virgin solidified the trend during the infamous chestwaxing scene where Steve Carell’s character screams and bleeds throughout his first brush with manscaping.

The majority of men do some sort of landscaping to their body hair, whether it be shav-

ing, waxing or using depilatory products on their face, chest, back or genitals.

Bradley shaves his head and face twice a week. His weekly regimen also includes trimming his chest, stomach and pubic area. Unable to reach his back, he has enlisted the help of his parents, brothers, girlfriends and even his roommate to help him with the hairy chore.

He feels more confident and less self-conscious when he is groomed.

“Girls would find it more attractive if I didn’t have (back hair),” he said. “I know that if anybody touches (my back), I’m fine. I don’t have to worry about it.”

Some women, like Maxine Acosta, disagree.

The 19-year-old fashion retail associate feels that hairless men look unnatural and have a feminine quality that turns her off.

“I like hairy men, because it’s very masculine and virile,” Acosta said. “I’m the kind of woman who likes to run my hands through the scrub, no matter where it is.”

‘Manscaping’ levels the playing field for men and women. For years women have submitted to razor burn, ingrown hairs, bleeding and bruising in unsightly areas. The hair removal double standard has come to a head; smooth,

Veronica Blake, Sexposé

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shirtless men are everywhere and both men and women alike have taken notice.

“You see those commercials, especially just a shaving commercial,” Bradley said. “Even when it’s just promoting a razor for the face, it’s usually some mid-20s guy who’s got the muscles and the shaved chest and this perfect body.”

Above the city, on the 19th floor of a downtown high-rise, Claude Theriault’s business is booming. He settled in Toronto 10 years ago and started Male Beauty Forum, an intimate spa in a studio apartment, and its companion website. He has seen a ‘manscaping’ explosion of men ditching the Burt Reynolds-type ideal for something smoother. “(In) the Canadian Tire flyer, the dad is barbequing but he has no hair on his arms,” he said.

Daniel Bergman agrees. The 25-year-old grocery store clerk and Scarborough native shaves everything from his armpits to his genitals.

“It’s not the 18th century, so it’s expected you do that,” he said. “It’s kind of odd if you don’t.”

Theriault estimates 90 per cent of his clients are men. When he first started out 10 years ago, he served a mainly gay clientele.

Today, he waxes, trims, lasers and shaves a diverse range of men from gay to straight, single to divorced and everyone in between. For him, he does not have a typical patron.

“Body hair is cumbersome. It’s like having a wool sweater,” Theriault said. “Grooming is not just a hair cut and a shave” Comfort and cleanliness motivate Bergman’s bare-of-hair routine. The impact on his sex life is an added bonus.

“If I feel I’m going to get laid, I make sure I’m neat and clean and tidy,” he said.

After a bikini wax, Acosta compares the feeling to wanting to run through a field of lilies.

She feels men motivated to ‘manscape’ do it solely for the benefit of the ladies.

“If men shave down there, with less hair it makes (them) look bigger,” Acosta said. “I don’t think guys do care about that kind of stuff.

They just want to impress.”

Case-in-point: Bradley looks forward to relaxing on his grooming routine. But for the single man, that day falls in the distant future.

He cites marriage as a good reason to stop.

“After every time, I regret doing it,” he said.

“You’re looking at 700 bucks (a year), for something that you can’t see.”

Her cup runneth over Redefining sexy within a breast-obsessed society

BY VERONICA BLAKE • Meghann Breen shocked her friends with a boob job.

At 19 years of age, with a bra size of 36E, the Scarborough resident went under the knife.

“E’s just too much,” she said. “Sometimes I couldn’t even see my own feet. It was really hard to tie my own shoe.”

Lower back pain motivated the now 24-yearold Durham College police foundations student and cheerleader to get breast reduction surgery. She decided a C-cup size would be more manageable.

Reality TV star Heidi Montag underwent 10 plastic surgeries in a single day, including size F breast implants. For those with naturally large breasts, back and shoulder pain may motivate the need to get a breast reduction, but the desire to be sexy plays a role as well.

Breen wanted to wear tube tops and halter tops like her friends, which was impossible without revealing her supportive bra. Finding clothes for her disproportionate body was a chore.

“For my prom dress I probably spent six hours trying to find a dress that would fit me up top,” Breen said. “I was really tinywaisted and I’m 5’1. I’m a tiny person. To have these huge boobs, nothing ever fit.”

Sashell Mills, 21, has considered having reduction surgery for her size 38DD breasts. The Scarborough resident enjoyed the male attention her breasts received in high school, but now it makes her feel uncomfortable.

“It’s not as fun as it was before,” she said. “I don’t like my breasts.

I think they’re too big. But guys love them... Most guys are like, ‘Wow, your chest is big!’

And they want to touch it, feel it.”

When at a bar or club, it’s not out of the ordinary for Mills

when strangers approach her and comment on her cleavage.

“I’ve had guys ask me if they’re real,” she said. “Yeah, they’re 100-per-cent real... People think if you have big boobs they must be fake.”

Breen had similar experiences when she went out on the town. Like Mills, she shied away from the attention, which she found embarrassing.

“If I went to a bar, guys would make sexual comments,” she said. “I just didn’t want to go out. I just wanted to cover up, just wear a sweater or something so nothing would show.”

The surgery itself takes up to five hours, under anaesthesia. In the most common procedure, incisions are made on the breast, excess skin is taken off and then fat and tissue are removed and sculpted. Lastly, the nipple is raised and the breasts are sewn up. Pain lasts for about a week and most patients can remove bandages and return to normal life after a month. Scarring fades over time and incisions are made on the underside of the breast, enabling the woman to wear low-cut tops and swimsuits without scars showing.

While breast enlargement is not covered under the Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP), reduction is covered when the patient experiences back pain.

Breen said pain only lasted a couple of days and her scars faded completely after.

“I woke up in the hospital bed and I immediately wanted to touch my chest to see how it was,” she said. “After I took off the bandages I was definitely happy. I was so relieved...

You look like a whole different person.

And it just made me feel a lot better. My self-esteem, my self-confidence – I

was happier with myself.”

Dr. Ali Adibfar has performed breast reductions for the past 10 years. In his practice at Elements in Yorkville, he sees an equal number of women coming in for reductions and enlargements. He recommends that women only change their breast size by a cup-and-a-half in either direction.

“They’re very happy patients.

Extremely happy,” Adidfar said.

“Out of all the procedures, the happiest ones are the ones that have breast reductions.”

However, Breen is no longer happy with her breasts. After gaining some weight, her new Ccup breasts have ballooned to a DD-cup size. While her back pain is only minimal, she doesn’t want to buy new bras to fit her larger breasts.

“They’re like grannyugly bras,” she said. “They don’t have the lace or assortment of different colours. They’re just your regular white, black, tan. I’m 24. I want to feel sexy.”

Mills also struggles to find a bra that makes her feel attractive.

“No matter where you go, all I see is Bs, Cs. It’s so hard to find DDs,” she said. “It’s not sexy at all. It’s something you would probably see your Grandma wear... It’s just plain. There are no cute little designs.”

Despite her breasts growing again, Breen recommends a reduction to women who are unsatisfied with their breasts.

But Mills’s boyfriend likes her breasts the way they are.

“I don’t know if he would leave me for it, but I know he would get mad (if she had the surgery,)” she said. “It makes me feel like that’s the only reason why he’s with me, because he likes big breasts and I have them. That’s in the back of my head... I’d rather him be with me, for me, and not for them.”

Sexposé | 19

‘Damning’ Toronto

BY VICTORIA GRAY • No one wants to tell Meghan Stoeckle how to have safe sex because she is a lesbian.

At least that is the conclusion the 28-year-old reached after a week of seeking answers from the professionals.

“It’s just a continuation of feeling like you’re on the outskirts,” she said. “Even gay men are more accepted than lesbians. They’re cute and everyone loves a gay guy, but everyone’s afraid of a butch dyke. So, it just kind of continued that thought – that we’re not included because people don’t understand us.”

Stoekle had her first sexually transmitted infection (STI) test recently, despite being sexually active for the past 13 years.

She came out as a lesbian 14 years ago and only uses protection when using shared sex toys.

When she asked a doctor at the Scarborough Health Centre how she could protect herself, she didn’t get the answer she was looking for.

Instead, she was given phone numbers for other clinics and told to look elsewhere.

Stoeckle called nine different clinics in the GTA and says she received inadequate information from all of them.

“When it comes down to it, it’s really because nobody has any information about it,” she said. “They tell you, if you’ve been tested you’re OK. But nobody knows a damn thing because nobody looks into it.

It’s not on the same concern level as, say, gay-male sexual health, or even heterosexual couples’ sexual health or anything like that. It isn’t given the same respect or regard.”

Photos by Victoria Gray, Sexposé

20 | Sexposé

Donna Turner, 40, communication coordinator at Rainbow Health Ontario, an organization dedicated to teaching health care professionals about lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered (LGBT) sexual health, said the lack of knowledge is something they see all too often.

“That’s what we find over and over: that health care professionals are either giving the wrong information or just don’t know,” she said. “We have a lot of problems with it. There are certain things that lesbians are at lower risk for...but there are sexually transmitted infections like herpes, HPV – they are transmitted quite easily during sex.”

Rainbow Health Ontario is trying to change this lack of awareness. The organization is responsible for going into GTA classrooms and medical schools to educate young doctors and improve access for LGBT people.

“Health-care professionals are not trained.

There is no LGBT focus at all in most curriculums, in med schools and nursing schools,” Turner said. “It’s sort of a sad state that a lot of health-care professionals are giving that (inaccurate) information.”

However, Rainbow Health Ontario doesn’t see patients and Stoeckle found that even clinics listed as queer-friendly weren’t able to tell her how to protect herself.

Charm Porres, a counsellor at Toronto’s Hassle Free Clinic, said the clinic advocates for pleasurable sex that can minimize risk.

“If you’re sexually active, you’re at risk for STIs,” she said. “It depends on your partners in terms of their own risks as well...in comparison to men who have sex with men, women who have sex with women only are probably a lower risk. To be honest, not a lot of people have protected oral sex. The first thing to do would be to have a conversation.”

Jane Greer, a fellow counsellor at the Hassle Free for 20 years, said oral sex and ‘fingering’ are considered safe activities for lesbians.

“Dental dams are unavailable, thick and hard to use,” Greer said. “So why would (lesbians) use them?”

Greer and Porres agree lesbians are often left out of the safe-sex conversation.

They said there should be reforms made to sexual health curriculum so people like Stoeckle can receive the help they want.

Lyba Spring, 62, an instructor for the Sexual Health Promotion program at Toronto Public Health, believes lesbians are left out of that conversation due to lack of research.

“Everyone admits that the amount of research done on women having sex with women and the risk for STIs is really limited,” she said. “Everybody is starting from the same point of ‘we don’t know a lot.’ It’s

unfortunate because it means that everyone is at a disadvantage: clients and health-care providers.”

Stoeckle spoke to four different employees at the Sherbourne Medical Centre and was frustrated that she was sent to the intake mental health counsellor.

She left a message, but didn’t expect much from him.

“All the resources, I think, are good; they’re just hard to use,” Stoeckle said “They don’t

make it really accessible and the people there don’t really know what they are talking about when it comes to the questions I have about lesbian sexual health.”

That Mental Health Counsellor Asish Purushan said that lesbians should be very careful about bacterial infections which can occur when vaginal fluid is swapped during mutual masturbation.

He suggested using female condoms and dental dams to protect against herpes, but stressed it depended on the type of sexual activity.

“If you have a lot of sexual fluid on your hand and then you touch your genitals’ a transmission can happen fairly quickly,” Purushan said. “So it’s strictly what kind of activity that person is involved in.”

However, Turner, of Rainbow Health Ontario, said that kind of transmission is rare and that lesbians need to know their own risks.

“If the health-care providers don’t know the right questions to ask and the right tests to do, then women who have sex with women are at much higher risk for things like cervical cancer,” she said.

“If they’re not being tested, they’re not going to catch it early enough to be treated properly and it’s kind of a vicious circle.”

Meanwhile, Stoeckle’s search for information left her frustrated and questioning Toronto’s inclusive mandate.

“There are so many resources and not one of them can offer me what I need, whereas they all think they might be able to,” she said. “It was a whole other world that I came out into and it wasn’t nearly as nice and fluffy and accepting as today’s world is of gay people. And that’s leaps and bounds ahead, and it still blows.”

Sexposé | 21

Unwrapped The decline of condom use

BY VERONICA BLAKE •

Love without the glove might feel better, but for some Torontonians, the risks outweigh the sensation.

Studies have consistently shown that condom use decreases with age amongst high school students.

This trend continues into adulthood.

Conservative estimates show that one in four Canadians will contract an STI in their lifetime and many will not show symptoms. It is the risk and prevalence of STIs and HIV that worries Alex McKay, research co-ordinator at The Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN).

“It’s a little like saying driving is less fun when you’re wearing a seatbelt,” McKay said. “If the person has any sort of basic awareness around their vulnerability to STIs, they would have a sufficiently high anxiety level around having unprotected sex.”

A study on condom use among unmarried 19 to 34 year-olds was published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality by the Toronto-based SIECCAN. Co-authored by McKay, the 2009 study showed that approximately 60 per cent of males and 50 per cent of females reported using a condom in their last sexual encounter.

Scarborough resident, Anthony Lake, 22, has engaged in two unprotected one-night stands with acquaintances in the past year.

“It was just the heat of the moment,” he said. “In my head I was like, ‘OK, if something should happen, if this guy has something, what’s the chance of this happening to me? What’s the percentage?’”

Lake doesn’t use protection when in a relationship. He gets tested twice each year and has not contracted a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) in the seven years he has been sexually active. However, Lake received a wake-up call when he discovered that a former partner tested HIV-positive after they ended their relationship. This has played into his decision making with subsequent partners.

“I trust this guy enough not to wear a condom. But at the same time, I’m also really scared… You just never know,” he said. “I don’t want my actions of promiscuity and not using condoms to result in something.”

Education plays a key role in encouraging condom use but it needs to be applicable to young Canadians in monogamous relationships, not just

22 | Sexposé

singles. Many couples will cease wearing condoms once they enter what they consider to be a serious relationship. However, accepting a partner based on trust alone is risky, considering many STIs can go undetected.

Brampton-based sexologist Dr. Laura Zilney is better known as “Dr. Sex” from The Dean Blundell Show on the radio station 102.1 The Edge. She said communication is key for any monogamous couple considering discontinuing their condom use.

“We can’t just teach them the facts about safer sex. We have to teach them skills they can use,” Zilney said. “‘How do I bring the subject up that I want him to get tested? How do I bring the subject up of a condom?’...

You have to give the education and then give people the ways to implement it.”

Sex educator and therapist Tara McKee feels people don’t set out to have unsafe sex. She agrees that teaching young people sexual communication is vital. McKee teaches workshops at Good For Her, a sex shop in Toronto. A common sentiment is that sex feels better without a condom and that putting one on can interrupt the flow of sex. The perceived decrease in intimacy discourVeronica Blake, Sexposé ages many from wearing condoms, particularly in a monogamous relationship.

Some people’s condom use declines after a negative experience, such as a breakage, but she says there’s a condom out there for every man.

“There are so many different types of condoms that fit differently. And men find that they don’t know which ones to get, because penises come in all shapes and sizes… It’s about finding the right fit,” McKee said. “And that’s going to reduce the feeling of it… But for a lot of guys that’s a good thing because they’ll last longer.”

While McKee and Zilney concede that sex does feel better without a condom, the risks far outweigh the moderate loss in sensation. For McKee, couples need to be comfortable discussing safer sex and both partners must be prepared to take on that responsibility.

“It’s sort of silly to be like, ‘Well we were going to get it on, but she wanted me to use a condom, so I said no.’… Most guys wait for women to lay down the law,” McKee said. “Women are the gatekeepers of their vaginas.”

The Justisse Method How to use fertility awareness for contraception

BY AILEEN DONNELLY •

Courtesy of Amy & Kim Sedgwick

our cycles tend to be very susceptible to against STIs so it is important for partners Throughout history, communal men- change due to stress and illness,” Amy said. to communicate openly about testing. strual tents brought women together durThe Justisse Method focuses on analyzWeeds said they do not have the resourcing menstruation and childbirth. In this ing cervical mucus multiple times a day. es to provide regular one-on-one consultasetting, elders passed down their wisdom Most of Amy’s clients rely solely on these tions for people who want to use a fertility and knowledge of fertility. observations. Basal temperature monitor- awareness method for contraception. They Anita Diamant personifies this experi- ing and tracking cervical changes can also refer them to Amy. ence in her novel The Red Tent. be used at the same time. This allows a Planned Parenthood Toronto describes The novel inspired sisters Amy Sedgwick, woman to determine whether or not she’s the efficacy of family-planning methods 32, and Kim Sedgwick, 26 to name their fertile on any given day. overall at 75 per cent on their website. sex-positive store and wellness centre The The vagina is naturally too acidic for An independent study, The Effectiveness Red Tent Sisters. They opened at Pape and sperm to survive. When women approach of a Fertility Awareness Based Method, was Danforth avenues in 2006. conducted in Germany “In our society, where we and published in 2007 by tend to not necessarily live Oxford University Press with extended family, you in the journal Human Redon’t get that same input,” production. 900 women Kim said. “That sharing monitored mucus secreand storytelling – I hope – tion and basal body temis being facilitated by our perature for 13 cycles. The space.” study reported that perfect Just one of the ways they use of the method – when live up to their mandate is women correctly observe by educating women about and chart signs of fertility a non-mainstream form of and abstain during fertile contraception called the days – yields 99.4-per-cent Justisse Method. They faefficacy. Typical use resultKIM SEDGWICK AMY SEDGWICK cilitate introductory worked in a 98.2 per cent rate of shops and Amy offers regueffectiveness. lar one-on-one consultations for women ovulation, follicles in the ovaries release Frequently, clients who come to Planned estrogen and this causes the body to pro- Parenthood Toronto have already struggled using the method.

Both women started taking hormonal duce cervical mucus. It coats the cervix and with consistently using barrier methods for birth control when they were 16 years old. entire vagina, altering the pH level so that contraception.

Amy began looking for alternatives when sperm can survive and reach the uterus. Af“If you are not willing to wear a condom she had trouble breast-feeding her daugh- ter ovulation, this mucus dries up and an- or abstain from vaginal sex during your other type of mucus creates a cervical plug. high-risk times, fertility awareness will not ter while on the Pill.

Amy said women who want to monitor work for you,” Weeds said.

So when Kim heard about the Justisse Method at a conference in Edmonton, she their cervical mucus use a folded piece of Kim Sedgwick said part of the reason fershared it with her sister right away. Both toilet paper to wipe before and after they tility awareness is not widely used is that began using the method. Amy became so urinate to collect a sample. First they note it cannot be purchased. It must be learned fascinated by the underlying philosophy the sensation while wiping. and implemented. Most people in western “And they look to see if there’s actually society are looking for a product to take that she decided to begin training as a holistic reproductive health practitioner mucus on the toilet paper or not,” Amy care of their problems. Weeds agrees. through Justisse Healthworks for Women said. “If there is, they finger test it picking “We’re a culture that’s pretty prone to in Edmonton. She said intuition made her it up between their finger and thumb and taking a pill or pharmaceutical when we want to share this information with other stretching it to the light to see the colour have physical or health problems,” she said. and how much it will stretch.” women – call it a calling.

“Birth control certainly fits into that.”

They can contact Amy for clarification.

The Justisse Method is just one fertilKim Sedgwick currently uses the Justisse Cindy Weeds, program co-ordinator of Method to enhance her body awareness. ity awareness method available. Others include the Billings Ovulation Method and women’s programming at Planned Parent- She said the process has dispelled much of the Creighten Model. All three work by hood Toronto, said that fertility awareness the negativity she learned to associate with methods are offered on a case-to-case basis, menstruation. monitoring cervical mucus changes.

Fertility awareness methods differ from particularly if a client is looking for non“I don’t have the same mentality I used the rhythm or calendar methods which hormonal options. to, where it was like my body is so removed However, she said most often it is pre- and there’s other things taking care of it,” Amy refers to as “retrospective.” They rely on charting past cycles to predict when a sented as a way to enhance barrier methods Kim said. “It’s more in my control and I that are already in use. woman will most likely be ovulating. understand it better. I just wish that more The Justisse Method will not protect women had that.”

“Most women are not that regular and

Sexposé | 23

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