Decima Parcae
Decima Parcae
Fall 2014 3|Page
Decima Parcae
Founder & Editor Mark L. Ridge
Layout Design Jerry L. Hatter Jasmine Kindell Cherlinca Boyd
Student Editorial Staff Cherlincia Boyd Jerry L. Hatter Jasmine Kindell Bianca Dobbs Mercades Glover Editorial Board Sharron Sarthou Jacque Slater
Decima Parcae is published by the Writing Center at Rust College in Holly Springs, Mississippi. Electronic manuscripts are accepted year round. All submissions should be brought to Mr. Ridge in BCS 110 or emailed to: talfax@hotmail.com. Š Decima Parcae 2014 by The Writing Center at Rust College
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Decima Parcae Acknowledgements This issue is dedicated to the graduating seniors of Rust College 2014. Special thanks to the students from Professional Writing class 2013 for their hard work and dedication. I also want to thank Ms. Nilse Furtado-Gilliam for creating the cover design.
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Decima Parcae
Contents Acknowledgements Editor’s Note Poetry Dark Fiery Prince—Lee Failure to Think—Angel Wallace A Victim to the Streets—Larry Prentice In the Black of My Mind—Lee The Sound—Lee Essays Questions on Life and Learning—Richard Fredrick Messages from God—Monique McKoy Lewis Contributors
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Decima Parcae Editor’s Note The phoenix alludes to the idea of re-birth from the ashes of the dead. Since 2011, I have been struggling with renaming the Bearcatz’ Connection to something more literary in sound and meaning. Another reason for the name change has to do with the real purpose of a collegiate literary journal—publishing writers from around the world, both new and established—hence the name, Decima Parcae, which refers to Fate. As with many such journals, ours had a modest, and often rocky, beginning. In 1995 members of the English department along with what was then the first idea of a writing center, published RUST, a short collection of very short writings generated by students working in a basement room of the campus library. After that one issue, the journal vanished until 1999. The English faculty compiled a booklet of creative works from students and staff. The journal was named, The Connection, and never saw publication, but remained in layout form hidden in an unused drawer in a back office until 2003 when I was hired to create an official Writing Center and Literary Journal. In 2004 two editions of the journal were published using creative works from students, staff, and faculty. The literary journal was named, The Bearcatz’ Connection for two reasons: To honor the first two attempts to create a literary journal using the original name and to honor the college by using the Bearcats nickname assigned to the sports teams. After sifting through many selections of students’ creative works, I have finally compiled a new edition of the literary journal. This new edition will be solely an eBook edition. Every literary journal has growing pains and takes time to flourish into the journals we often think of when talking about collegiate literary journals. Many begin as small newspapers that evolve into a journal much like our own. This evolution from newspaper to booklet to journal can often take twenty-five years and is typical of most collegiate literary journals. However, the advent of online publishing is changing that paradigm. Our new eBook format for the literary journal will cut down production costs, helping us reach a wider audience than in previous years. Collegiate literary journals are not insular, but include writers of all levels from around the world. As we branch out into the eBook market, our own circle of contributors will widen. In previous issues, I always invited professional writers to share their work in our journal and will continue this practice as we move forward.
Decima is the Roman incarnation of Fate who measures the thread of life and determines a person’s destiny.
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Decima Parcae
Poetry
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Decima Parcae Dark Fiery Prince --Lee Confused like a dove in pain Should such a beast love in vain Is it a passionate heart or lustful brain They wont work together but they will work to-get-her A fragile spirit light and lush One touch to crush One crush to touch Though I have not the skin to blush Dark as my talented soul I am the black ace of spade take your dealing Take my unrequited love and unwanted Have my soul and take my lonesome Take my wounded love and give it healing But do not take my skin When times get rough and dark skin I will blend in But in the light of love I will not fall I will come out as a dark prince or not come out as all.
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Decima Parcae Failure to Think --Angel Wallace
Forgetfulness, Absent mind at the time to see the immaturity and lack of awareness around me daily, Too blind and confused to remember the news of today and eternity, It haunts me, The failure I’ve turned out to be, Excuses and abuses to the mind body and Oh my soul I forgot to breathe-----
Passing out, Not passing class, Going down fast but it won’t last because the brain blast came from behind and kicked me in the ass Can’t think, My slang is foul I ain’t proud of that, But a mire second ago goes by like a snap so don’t make that second the one that haunts you with a voice in your head calling you a
“Failure”
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Decima Parcae A Victim to the Streets --Larry Prentice Wonder if they can hear him now As the darkness gathers And the radian that once shined Now becomes obsolete He cries out! “The world is murdering my soul” Trapped in his heart Is a story of the un-told Waiting for the days of his life to unfold And they wonder why he lives in the streets Where everyone knows its opportunity he needs He only has one life to lead But chose to follow in hopes to succeed But failed As the war began “Only gun shots” Freeing the slots Of an incomplete life Now he will never understand this world Rest in peace A victim to the streets And his identity becomes obsolete
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Decima Parcae Crime after crime But you can’t erase time And so this just becomes Another meaningless rhyme But life goes on without you For the day has come And the world never knew But only witnessed his flaws Injustice laws Lacking a cause For a death Never to see outside four walls Buried six feet under Next to his sister and brother Leaving his mother to suffer alone So she assumes the throne And embraces their lost soul But the harder she tries The more she dies At the tender age of thirty-five She closes her eyes Forever Rest in peace A victim to the streets
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Decima Parcae But life goes on without you.
In the Black of My Mind --Lee
In the black of my mind Lives forever the hope That one day our brothers won’t sell his dope. In the black of my mind In the black of my mind In the black of my mind In the black of my mind Lives forever the days of hard times Struggles death and rain In the black of my mind In the black of my mind In the black of my mind In the black of my mind It’s raining and cloudy One day our girls won’t sell their bodies.
In the black of my mind In the black of my mind In the black of my mind In the black of my mind Lives forever the doubt That my people will never make it out! What’s in the black of your mind?
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Decima Parcae The Sound --Lee
The sound of Nina and Billie Holiday dwindles on my mind. Rocks my skin steady yet eases my mind. Safe from no tune to break this rhythm Like most my loved one was gone to soon He left in the night and I was quite broken Me and him was lost in the water Rain Ocean Pain My soul wonders if she will ever dance with yours again. They danced in the dark over the years The cause of my drowning is my soul’s tears Because she misses yours So she died and took me with her.
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Decima Parcae
ESSAYS
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Decima Parcae Richard Frederick
Questions on Life and Learning This story is for my daughters as a way of letting them know how I became who I am while answering questions that have troubled me throughout my life. It is within my very nature to question the things around me. Why does the sun rise each morning? Why are there four seasons each year? Why do some seem to suffer more than others? Why is learning often composed of hard lessons? As I sit here much older and much wiser I find that many of my questions have been answered, but with each answer come new questions that continues my journey through life and learning. The Question I was once asked why I wanted to teach by one of my students. I have had this same question asked by friends when I decided to leave the business world at the age of fifty to become a college professor. Surely it wasn’t for the pay, which isn’t what I had been making! No, there had to be more behind my decision to take such a drastic change in direction so late in life. Still this in some ways seemed to be a strange question coming from someone who had yet to fully experience life; someone who had yet to decide what he wanted out of life. However, in reality it was a good question to ask someone who had spent most of his adult life searching for answers; however, I found the more time that I spent thinking on the question only caused me to ask myself more questions. Why am I now sitting in a classroom on the other side of the desk? Here I sit an individual with four degrees and currently seeking a fifth, yet questioning my very existence. I have spent most of my life in a classroom and still I do not have all the answers. Even in my everyday life I find myself seeking answers to the events of my life that have turned me into who I am. Maybe God has so much more to teach me before I reach the end of this life, or can we reach that point where learning has little reward for us anymore? So it seems fitting that I seek the answer to another question in my life. Life and Learning the Mind of a Child I spent the first seven years of my life learning right from wrong from parents I do not remember and at times do not want to remember. After my parents’ divorce before I had reached the age of two, my mother told me how much she loved me as she gave me to some strange institution called the state. What had I done to be placed in this position so early in life? Was it then that I started the learning process that would later direct the things I did and am doing in life today? Or was it just a wakeup call so I would be ready for other events that would take place in my life? Was God telling me that life is tough; get ready or does he understand the suffering of a child? One thing is for sure, the fact
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Decima Parcae that I had already learned that life is not always fair may have helped me later in life and isn’t that learning? Who is this person they called the state anyway? No one there seems to have any real feelings. They only seem to care that you are dressed, fed and have a place to sleep. Why? Why? Why? Only questions and no answers! So, what is this thing we call life? There has to be some other reason for being here, but what is it? My new life as a ward of the state seemed harmless, but what is a ward of the state? Things could only get better from this point on because no reasonable person would assume things could get worse. Could they? See I told you so; today I found that I will be given a new set of parents and they told me how much they loved me. What is love? I’m not sure; it seems to have so many meanings. My first mother used it when she gave me away and now my new parents used it when they came to pick me up. Does love mean different things in different situations? Who cares? Today I start a new life with a new family and it’s on a farm! Is this learning or what? If it is, what a wonderful way to learn! Then came that cold slap in the face that wakes you up when you think things in life just cannot get any better. You know when things just seem to be going your way. I was wrong! I know that what I did wasn’t something that someone almost two years old would do or would they? At least it seemed they wouldn’t because everyone was so upset with me, but why this punishment? Was I really all that bad? What was this crime that I had done? What is the reason behind washing out anyone’s mouth with a bar of soap and glass of water and who puts soap in their mouth anyway? Don’t they know how bad it tastes? What did I do that was so wrong? I didn’t mean to, it was an accident. Do you think they know that eating soap makes you sick? Then I heard that this kid is too hard to control; send him back to the state. No, please wait I can do better, just wait and see! Can you please tell me what I did that was so bad? Okay, it’s back to being dressed, fed and finding a bed in this strange place they call the state. Is this learning? I’m not really a bad kid am I? I know I must not be because I am getting a new set of parents that seem to want me and are willing to take me to a new home. They even told me that they loved me! This must be learning, but I still am not sure about this word called love. My new parents are strange. They don’t seem to care about anything I do. I guess I must be learning because I never get in any trouble here, but why isn’t there anything to eat around here? At least in the place they call the state there was always food to eat. They had food in the mornings and around noon they had more food. Oh, and they did give you something to eat before you had to find a bed, but here there is no food. I think I like the state better. Why don’t we have food here? Don’t these people eat? I know that they drink a lot because they have all these brown bottles filled with some kind of strange liquid that they keep to themselves. That must be adult food because they will not let me get near one of their bottles. I wonder why it seems to be good for adults but not good for children. Do you think they know how hungry I am or could this be learning? Wait I see something to eat in the garbage and it looks good or could it be that I am just so hungry I don’t care? Now this must be learning, you would be surprised at 18 | P a g e
Decima Parcae what tastes good and what you will eat after several days without food. I’m sure this is learning. I am almost four now, I must be learning because I can take care of myself. Who is this strange man visiting my new parents? He seems to be asking so many questions. Why does he care what I am eating? What is a grandfather and why is he so mad? Please don’t get mad at them! Don’t you know if they stay mad they will give me back to the state and I am learning because I can always find something to eat! Look I’m growing up; I can take care of myself. Please don’t let them take me back to the state; I can do better just tell me what you want. Well maybe the state isn’t all that bad. You don’t have to look for food there. You just wait till the bell rings and run to the big room. There it is food! I really wish the state would call that guy they called my grandfather. If he had left me alone, I would still have a home. Now I have no parents and no one to tell me that they love me. The problem has to be me. I must be doing something wrong but what is it? I think I’m learning but I must be slow. That’s it. I’m going to work harder at this learning thing and maybe I will be loved. Look there are some new parents that think I’m a nice boy and they would love to take me home. I knew it! I’m learning, I’m really learning, but I am still not sure about this word called love. It sounds like such a good thing but it’s not turning out that way. Doesn’t it sound good to you? I’m not sure about a lot of things after all I am only four. However, one thing I know is that if someone tells you that they love you, then you must have done something wrong. My new mother wants me to call her Mama Allard, and she always seems to tell me that she loves me just before she beats me with this large leather strap. If I could only learn what I was doing wrong maybe she would stop, or is this what they call love? If this is love, I’m not sure I like it. I’m doing my best to learn, but things just seem to come slower to me. I wish I could learn faster because Mama Allard is starting to leave marks on me from all the beatings and I wonder if she knows how much it hurts! How did she learn? I would ask but I’m big now and I know not to cry, after all I’m five. Where is this person they called my grandfather? He never seems to be around when you need him. He seemed to like me; after all he never told me that he loved me he just took care of me, but where is he now when I need him the most? I’m not sure I can live here anymore. Mama Allard just keeps beating me and I do not seem to be learning. Oh no, she told me not to go next door and play with my friends. This always seems to upset her and that’s her on the porch calling me to come home. I’m six now and I know that I am learning because she doesn’t look very happy, so I must be in trouble. I know I’ll run away. Maybe I can find this place they call the state. It’s not all that bad. They dress you, feed you and give you a place to sleep. That’s what I’ll do; I’ll run away and find the state. I’m not too sure this was the right thing to do. I think I’m learning, but I can’t find this place they call the state. It has to be around here somewhere. Has anyone seen the state? All of these adults seem to be in such a big hurry. They just pat you on the head, but no one knows anything about the state. They just keep asking about my parents. They seem to be adults; don’t they know my parents love me? Don’t they know what that 19 | P a g e
Decima Parcae means? I’m afraid to ask anyone else for help because if they think I’m nice they might love me; everyone knows what will happen then. It’s getting dark and I wish I had something to eat and where am I going to find a place to sleep? Just what is it that I am learning; maybe I should have stayed with Mama Allard? I know one thing that I have learned, if you run away from home bring food with you and a coat because it’s colder than it looks out here in the dark. Sleeping in this drainage ditch isn’t really all that bad. The grass is soft and it keeps the wind off of you, but I wish I could find something to eat. I never knew the city was this big and that so many adults are out at night, it’s getting harder to keep them from finding me. Mama Allard always makes me go to bed when it gets dark; why doesn’t their mother make them go to bed? Don’t they have a place to sleep or did they run away too? Well at least most of the cars have stopped driving by with their lights shining all over the place. Maybe now I can get some sleep. Well the sun has come up now and even if I didn’t get much sleep at least I’m getting warmer and maybe now I can find something to eat. I wonder where they keep the food they feed all these adults? I’ve seen so many people and if they all need food then they must have food somewhere. Now where would that be? Maybe when you become an adult you don’t need to eat but I’ve seen adults eat. I do remember that one set of my parents didn’t seem to eat much. They just drank a lot. I wonder what kind of food that was! I’ll be glad when I get as big as an adult so I won’t need to eat. Right now it’s getting dark again and I think I’ll go back to my ditch and go to sleep. I think I can sleep for a year. I wonder if this is learning. Hey, why are you shining that light in my eyes? I’m trying to sleep here, can’t you see? What do you mean, who am I? You don’t love me do you? You’re a policeman and you want to take me home. I don’t have a home. I live with this lady who says she loves me but you know what that means. You do don’t you! So I’m looking for the state, can you take me there? I hope you understand. Do you know where the state is? You say my parents miss me! You aren’t going to take me back to them are you? Please just help me find the state. You must know where the state is! I’m learning and I will be ok there, honest. What do you mean that my parents are worried? I know my parents love me; don’t you understand what that means? I wonder what you learned when you were growing up? This is really a nice car. Is it yours? Well then do they let you keep it? I wish that my parents had a car like this. I know that is my mother but why is she hugging and kissing me so much? Please don’t tell me that you love me! Why? Why did you say that? I didn’t want you to tell me that you loved me. Please Mr. Policeman take me to the state don’t you see she loves me? Why did you have to bring me back home? I know that she is going to get the strap. Why don’t these people called adults leave us kids alone? I was doing just fine on street; I didn’t need anyone’s help. Please stop beating me. Why is all this blood coming from my mouth and nose? Why won’t it stop? All I see is blood all around me. I don’t understand what is happening, she beats me all the time and this has never happened before. What is a doctor? I hope he doesn’t love me. Why are you telling her it was a good thing she called you? What do you mean I almost died? What is dead? Is it a better place then where I 20 | P a g e
Decima Parcae am? Is it better than the state? Don’t you know I’m bleeding because she loves me? I know that I need to learn but it all seems so hard. I get to go to school now where I know I will learn. It’s a big building where a lot of kids my size go. This lady there is trying to help me learn. I know she is because she is like my grandfather, she never tells me that she loves me, she just helps me. She’s been trying to teach me to read, but she says I’m going to have to go to this special class because I stutter. I think I speak fine and if I don’t, why haven’t I been told before? After all no one has ever told me there was something wrong with the way I speak. I like school because no one tells you that they love you, they just want you to learn. I must be learning because no one hits me here and they give everyone food to eat, but you have to go home to sleep because they don’t like you sleeping in class. I wonder whatever happened to that place they called the state? I’m seven now and I was told I will receive good news today. I wonder what it is! My real dad is coming to get me and take me home. Why? I am doing so well now and what do they mean my real dad? If he is my real dad, who where all those other dads? They seemed real to me. Is there something different between a real dad and someone who is just a dad? Adults make things so confusing. I sure hope he doesn’t love me! Oh no, he said he wants to take me home to some other state and why did he have to tell me it’s because he loves me? I am going to have to run away again! I’ve done it before and I know what to do this time. Now is my chance! He is in the house getting my things, maybe I can get him to leave me with the new state. I know that the state didn’t love me. No, I have to run away. I don’t have my coat or food, but I have to go now before he comes outside and it’s too late. I wonder if that is all that policemen do! They just go out and find kids that run away from bad people and make them go back. I don’t know, but when I become an adult I don’t think I want to be a policeman. If I have learned what it means to have someone love you in just seven years why haven’t they learned it yet? Policemen must have learned something when they were kids. See I told you he loves me! Why couldn’t you just let me stay where I was? Well maybe it will not be all that bad because he is taking me to a different state. I can’t find the old one anyway. Becoming an Adult I spent the next 12 years in grade school and high school. Two of those years were in the third grade because my father felt it was best for me. I’m not sure it was because the other kids always made fun of me because of my speech problem, age, and size. But if the old saying is correct, “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” then maybe my dad was right. I’m not sure what I learned in grade school; it seemed that the harder I tried the worse my grades seemed to be. My dad would make me read all summer but that didn’t really seem to help. I would later come to understand that he was doing what he felt was best for me.
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Decima Parcae Teachers would tell me to study harder and I still only made C’s and D’s. Was that learning? I guess I had to be learning because my speech problem was getting better. I got to stop going to those speech classes, but my grades didn’t seem to be getting better and that’s all everyone seemed to care about. What is a grade anyway? Then one day a light seemed to come on and I saw things much clearer. I still see things clearer to this day when it comes to studying and doing class work. Things just seemed to come to me easier! I guess I was learning or maybe it was because I was in high school and things were just different. The main thing was I had gone from C’s and D’s to almost all A’s and everyone was much happier. My mom and dad told me how proud they were of all the hard work I had put into getting better grades but I really wasn’t working any harder. Maybe this was learning and I just didn’t know it at the time. The Answer Many of the events of my earlier life are just memories now that seem less troublesome as time has passed. Some of the events were told to me by my grandfather who did little to shape who I am today. Other memories remind me of the past, shaping my actions while allowing me to deal with those that mean so much to me now. I look out at students today from behind a desk and I wonder if they have similar questions in their lives? What strange course of events took them from birth to this class that I teach today? What does learning mean to them? Is this the ending for them or is it the beginning? Do they have any better understanding of life than I did at their age? I guess there is never truly an end to learning, at least not in this life. After four years in the Navy and getting married, I returned to the classroom as a student. With the birth of my first daughter, which got me out of Algebra, all the questions began again. What will life have in store for her? How will she learn all the things I have learned and will they mean the same thing to her? In many ways I hope not and in others I hope they do. I still don’t see the words, “I love you”, like so many others do. They don’t seem to have the same meaning to me that they do for others. I know that sometimes my wife and daughters may not understand why I don’t use them more than I do but I hope they understand. I am getting better at it, but few people get to hear me say I love you and I still question people who tell me that they love me. What do you really want? Surely no one says I love you just to let someone know they are loved or how they feel. Maybe learning was the example of love my stepmother demonstrated when she took in a troubled young boy and truly loved me as if I were one of her own children. Maybe learning was my real parents taking me to church and loving me instead of beating me. Maybe learning was when I finally understood that as much as I had done to keep God from coming into my life, he had never left me and always loved me patiently waiting and watching over me. Maybe learning was finding a young woman who loved me enough that she was willing to marry me and accept me as I was. Maybe learning was the birth of two daughters who love me and come to me when they have questions about life. Maybe learning is all the help I have received from all my teachers and brothers and
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Decima Parcae sisters in Christ who have taught me how to live my life and what love really is. Maybe I am learning. After spending four years in college and armed with a degree I went out to take on the world but learning has never really stopped for me. My daughters keep me learning everyday as I watch them grow into women. Some of the things they taught me were just refresher courses for the things I had done when I was younger but other things were totally new. I love watching young children trying to find their way through life. They are truly appreciative of the lessons you teach them and you can really see that they are learning. Why does life choose to teach us in so many ways? Why must each of us learn in different way instead of accepting the knowledge of others? I don’t know, but what I have learned in life is to trust God because while others may fail you, he always leads you in the right direction. The examples he as provided me with in his church have made me who I am today. After 25 years in the business world, and three additional degrees later, I felt something was missing in my life. Teaching both of my daughters to play golf helped me to understand that my real desire was to teach. All my life I have wondered what learning is and to some degree I still do. So today I find myself teaching others as I work toward yet another degree and the answers to life. The classroom and the church have been the richest places for me to learn and a refuge from the world around me. They have allowed me to question my surroundings and find ways to improve the lives of those around me. While the classroom has given me the worldly knowledge needed to exist in the world today, God has allowed me to grow as an adult without abandoning me when I have failed him. He has always waited patiently when I seem to leave him and accepts me be back when I return. And in the end isn’t that learning? I think of all the things I would like to do with the time I have left in my life and nothing gives me greater satisfaction than watching those I have taught accomplish their dreams and find their answers. The classroom allows me to answer questions and grow while helping others. Today I sit and look at others who don’t understand that life is just beginning and so is learning. I wish each of them only the best as I do my little part to help them along their way. I wonder how many of them will ask the questions I have asked today? And in all these questions I have found the answer to a student’s question. The real reason I want to teach is to help others answer the questions that have so troubled me in my life. If I can answer one question for someone else, what greater reward could I receive? And in the end I have found the answer to my questions about learning. Asking questions and finding answers is learning and I thank God for allowing me to learn both in the church and in the classroom as I journey through life. And with a student’s question I find that I am learning and will continue to learn each day of my life.
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Decima Parcae
Monique McKoy-Lewis
When Life Makes You Say WTF: Messages from God
WORDS THAT FUEL “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.” Deuteronomy 11:18 I have always loved to write and when I decided to put pen to pad, I was unsure of what to write about or where to start. Then I heard Maya Angelou say ‘when we learn, we must teach’. Her words inspired me to pull out this writing, that I had started about a year ago, and move in the direction of sharing my stories so that others may learn from my experiences. Remember when you were young and learned something new in school, and you were so impressed with this knowledge that you played “school” (of all things), so that you could teach someone else? That is how I feel about this writing…I am so far from a teacher, but if my words can fuel inspiration, healing and understanding in someone else, then I guess I can teach!! Deuteronomy 4:9 says, “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” I consider myself “old school” in that I love to write, actual pencil and paper. Really thinking about what you want to say and using words to express your feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hip enough to have a Facebook page and savvy with texting and instant messaging. I appreciate the benefit of using the text “language”. That is what really starting me thinking about the title of this writing. But I think with all this technology, many young people have forgotten how to write, using real words! “WTF” is an expression I commonly see in the text language and is certainly not something you would associate with devotion. But who says “WTF” has to be an expletive. I recently viewed a clip on YouTube that was titled something along the lines of “Preacher says F-You during sermon”. Of course the sensationalism of this piqued my interest.
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Decima Parcae However, I was pleasantly surprised that his sermon was on Forgiveness, and proclaimed that the new “f” word should be “forgiveness”. He proceeded to tell the congregation to tell their neighbors “f-you…I forgive you for all the wrongs you have done….text your ex and tell them “f-you, I forgive you for spreading lies about me”, etc…you get the message. He carried on so, that eventually it was hilarious! There were some people who commented on this clip that this was the devil at work. One of my Facebook friends put it best when she said, “…what if we teach our children that the “f” word means forgiveness, and that is all they know? The innocence of that child would not know the expletive that most of associate with the “f” word. And they would get the message as it was intended.” This preacher used something of this world and changed it into something of God, something that has healing power. I applaud that. Words have the power that we give them…the fuel to express whatever it is we mean to express. Sometimes they take on meaning we do not intend. With an open mind, I have taken the expression “WTF” and turned it around, applied it to my life, and related it to how God is working on me and through me. I hope you can do the same.
WALKING THROUGH FIRE “These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you.” 1 Peter 1:7 “WTF!!!” certainly ran through my mind on April 28, 2008 at 6:01pm…”this is ADT reporting a fire alarm at your residence!” The day was a normal day, worked from home, picked up my daughter from daycare about 3:30. Then things went “off plan” when I decided I wanted Chinese food for dinner. Being new to the area, I wasn’t sure where to find a good restaurant, so I drove around the MS/TN line looking for some where that was even open. Well, I never found anything, so I headed home. Then I ran into a traffic backup on a two-lane road. It was well after 5:30 when I finally made it past the holdup, a truck with his trailer stuck in a ditch; only on back roads in the country!! I was about 2 minutes from home when my cell phone rang, not recognizing the number, I didn’t answer (this was before the Oprah campaign of the “No Phone Zone”). When I listened to the message, my heart dropped and I drove as fast as I could down the road. To make a long story short, I saw the smoke, went to the neighbors, called 911, and then watched helplessly as our brand new house, with all our possessions, burn completely to the ground. While I lay awake at my in-laws house that evening, I felt a lot like Job and respectfully, of course, questioned God and wanted to know what lessons I needed to learn that required that all my earthly possessions be destroyed. I think about how my daughter and I could have been home when the fire started, as per 25 | P a g e
Decima Parcae our normal routine, and one, or both of us could have been lost in the fire as well. Sadly, our two beloved cats did not make it out of the fire and it breaks my heart to think of them trying to escape the heat. For months, we stayed in a near by apartment while our house was being rebuilt. My husband made daily trips to the house even before they removed all the debris. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the devastation over and over again. I still was in my “Why me?” mode. During our time in the apartment, my daughter and I took a trip to MD for my sister’s wedding, and while on the plane, I struck up conversation with my two seatmates. We talked the entire two hour flight. The gentleman told me my situation is what his mother would call a “Jewish blessing”; a Jewish tradition of believing that whatever happens, happens for the best and that blessings survive each disaster. He patted me on my back and reassured me that it will all work out for God. I felt really good after the conversations with strangers. I wish I remembered their names, but I don’t believe God intended me to know these people, only to hear their teachings. I am a firm believer that God puts people in your life for a reason and nothing is by accident, so I took my conversation with these two strangers to heart and just waited to see what God would do with me, us, while we waited faithfully. We were blessed with the contractor that built our new home, as he worked diligently in giving us a beautiful new home, thinking of my daughter all the way. He even made it a point of being completed before her 1st birthday, so we could celebrate at home. Shortly before moving back home, we found out we were expecting our second child, a son. My eyes well up just thinking about it as I had been told for many years that I would not have any children and here I was expecting my second who we affectionately refer to as “the fire baby”. What a wonderful blessing that came out of this fire. Speaking of babies, according to doctors, I should not have any!! This leads me to another “WTF” moment in my life. My husband and I had been married a few years and decided we were ready to start a family. Although I had always had “female” problems, I didn’t think it would be too difficult to get pregnant. Boy was I wrong! We tried a few years on our own, then went to a fertility doctor. Let me tell you, anyone who has to take this route to get pregnant, is brave. I found it to be one of my most depressing times in life. Batteries of tests, fertility shots, pills, daily blood work. It was tough to remain optimistic. There was finally a bright moment when we thought we finally had some eggs, but they turned out to be cysts. Hopes dashed. Then I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease. The doctor told me if I lost some weight, it 26 | P a g e
Decima Parcae may help, since this was common among overweight women. Well, over the next 2 years, I lost 120 pounds. Thank you, thank you very much! I went back to the fertility doctor who remembered me and said “You must be serious about having children. You have lost a lot of weight”. Well, I was serious. I had never prayed for anything harder, than the prayers I had for being a mother. However, the new round of treatment did not change the outcome. I was still without a child. I needed a break. Then in May of 2006, I had some blood work done with the fertility doctor as we were going to try IVF, and unexpectedly, I was pregnant. About 6 weeks. Oh, to say I was overjoyed would be an understatement. Then about a week later, I started to have some pain in my right side accompanied by some light bleeding. I started crying immediately, it just didn’t feel right. I called the doctor, who told me to go home and rest. Well, the bleeding did not stop and I ended up in the emergency room where I was told I had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I was having a miscarriage. In one weeks time, I was so attached to this baby, yes, I say baby, that I was totally devastated. I cry even when I write this. Why in the world would God allow me to be pregnant, when He knows how bad I wanted it, and then take it from me? My friends who were expecting just didn’t know what to say to me. Then I called my sister-in-law one day, who also had a few difficult pregnancies, just crying my heart out. She said to me that she often felt the same way about her miscarriage. She just couldn’t understand why God would put her through it. But through comforting me through my difficult time, she realized she went through it for me, literally and figuratively. God knows what lies ahead in all of our lives and the road she traveled led her to being strong council for me. Her words and her life helped me see that I could make it past this devastation. In January 2007, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. It was a guarded pregnancy, but it was great. When I finally felt like the pregnancy was solid, I realized my pregnancy the previous year was not meant to hurt me, but to make me see that I could get pregnant without medical intervention, it just was not time. “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14 That is a hard lesson to learn when God gives us free will. We convince ourselves that we are doing the things that God wants us to do because He is making them possible, but we ignore what He is really telling us…be still and wait on Me. Walking through fire does not have to be as literal an actual fire. We learned that sometimes God tears things down in order to build them back up. Through these two experiences I have learned what is important in my life. I have learned that I am strong only when I have faith steadfast on God.
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Decima Parcae “The LORD is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.” Exodus 15:2.
WAIT and TRUST FAITHFULLY “I will say of the Lord. He is my refuge and my fortress: In Him will I trust." Psalm 91:2
Again, free will makes it difficult to trust in those things that are unseen. It is easier to believe that we are in control of our own lives and destiny. We must do whatever we can make things happen for us. My ordeal with trying to get pregnant reiterated the importance of trusting the Lord. Matthew 21:22 states “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” And I certainly prayed. However, living in a society of instant gratification, I was unwilling to wait on the Lord. But I guess I wasn’t as desperate as Sarai (Sarah), because I was not giving my husband another woman to give him a son…no not ever. LOL. Isn’t that one of the most difficult exhortations of the scripture…waiting? Waiting means trusting in what we do not know for sure will happen. But the scripture strengthens us: “For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him. (Psalms 62:5)
Seemingly out of the blue, my husband and I moved to Mississippi after many years in the Maryland area. Some of my friends have asked me “what in the world are you doing in Mississippi?” I sometimes ask myself the same question. I am nearly a thousand miles away from my family, my direct support system. And besides a few months of going to school in Delaware while my family was still in Italy, this was the farthest away I had ever been from “home”. With my husband getting ready to retire after 20 years in law enforcement, he wanted to be closer to his mother. However, I had to actually push to him to move. He wanted to wait a while, but I was ready to go now. Of course he was the rational one asking all the right questions. What about our house we had to sell? What about finding another place to live? What about my job? I didn’t think it through, I just felt like God was moving us in the direction to going south. I actually had ties to Mississippi as well. My mother’s family was from Tunica, MS (about 1 hour from where we finally settled) before they moved to New York. Before we left Baltimore, I had actually found “long lost” family of my grandmother. So my husband was not the only one trying to get back to his roots. Well, needless to say, during a visit in September 2006, we found a home and went to closing in November. One day before we would have been paying two mortgages, we sold our house in Baltimore. I was able to bring my job with me to MS and worked from 28 | P a g e
Decima Parcae home for three years. Because I was pregnant in January of 2007, my husband, who planned to retire from his job in November 2007, was able to take family leave from his job and spend my entire pregnancy at home in MS. Hmmm, this sounded like God was taking care of things. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8. Thank God for that because after 3 years of working from home, I was laid off. Unemployment was hard and scary. But finally after a year I did find work for a local college (an HBCU). However, things weren’t all rosy in our house. My husband and I had a huge fight (good marriages do have fights) about it because he didn’t understand why I would keep a job that was not paying me much, when he felt I was worth so much more than that. And of course the obvious, the family financial situation required that I earn more! I had been earning much more at my previous job, before I was laid off. “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything; you may have an abundance for every good deed.” 2 Corinthians 9:8 We had become accustomed to living within a certain means and had debt based on our previous combined salary. I cried a little, or maybe a lot, because that’s what I do, I cry! But I asked him after all these years of marriage, how could he not know that I try my best to finish what I start and I would not just quit this job. I knew what the job paid when I accepted the job and if I thought I would be putting our family in financial perils, I would have kept looking for other employment. But after all the years on my previous job, I knew that I needed something more than just a paycheck. I needed to feel that I could make a difference. What better place to be than with young adults looking to forge their mark on the world. God put me in this place because I had long forgotten about the application I submitted 5 months before my interview. I felt that greater than failure is not going where God leads me. I have been though enough in my young spiritual walk to know that when I don’t listen to God, my walk is so much harder. I walk by faith alone. Since taking this job, I have the daily opportunity to talk to young people. When they ask for advice, I advise as best as I can. I look at them, some away from home for the 1st time and I speak to them like a mother. I have seen a few expected graduating senior find out that they will not be graduating because they failed a course. I immediately speak to them. There is nothing worse than to let the feelings of failure take you off course. I tell them not to lose focus. So what if they have to be here for another course. That piece of paper that is so coveted is theirs to 29 | P a g e
Decima Parcae earn. It only matters to them when they actually get it. Worse than failure (WTF) is giving up completely. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 And concerning the pay of this job…I have had this job or unemployment, which didn’t pay much less, for the past 2 years. God has not allowed us to fail. Sometimes we don’t know how a bill will get paid, but it does. When you go where He leads you and you trust what He has in store for you, He works it out. God is so good. I am thankful for all the blessings God has given me, us, even through the fire. By way of these lessons, I teach Unshakeable Faith! Funny how I ended up working at a University...who knows, maybe I can teach.
Walk, Talk, Fruition There are those who are agnostic or atheist, and they are nice people. But when you look at them, that is what you see, a nice person. But when you look at a child of God, who walks and talks the spirit, you see the Spirit of Jesus. When you begin to walk the spirit and talk the spirit, the spirit is what will be seen. Isn’t that really the point? Those of us who have proclaimed Jesus as our savior oftentimes want to be seen as a light for the Lord. So let’s walk, talk and breathe God and just see where it leads us!! I hope you have enjoyed reading some of my experiences with God. And I hope I have inspired you to find the message from God when life makes you say WTF. Be continuously blessed. Monique
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Contributors Lee is the pseudonym for a Rust College senior majoring in English Literature. Richard J. Frederick serves as Chair of the Business division at Rust College. Monique McCoy Lewis is a native of Memphis Tennessee. She loves to write short stories and essays. Larry Prentice is a 2013 Social Work graduate from Rust College. Angel Wallace is a 2013 Biology graduate from Rust College.
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