AMPERSAND
Grandma Eunice Knows Dear Grandma Eunice, I was raised in a wholesome Baptist home where I was taught that homosexuality is nothing short of a kick in God’s crotch and a straight-up abomination. However, since I was a little girl I have never been attracted to the male form; its just seems so untidy, untucked and all. I have recently found myself surfing online chatrooms for sexually curious Christians, and have met a nice woman named, “Janice, ” who claims to be a self-corrected lesbian. She says she is very interested in meeting me to help me cure my sinful desires through a one-on-one therapy session. Should I go? Do you think her intentions are pure? How can I know for sure if I am a lesbian? Jesus Liked Women. Me too. Dear Me Too, First of all, the issue of your sexuality must be addressed. Although the Bible does say that homosexuality is wrong, many people often experience homosexual urges. Despite my typically pious advice, I say go for it. You only live once, and Lord knows that only a woman truly knows how to pleasure another woman. Honey, if you are a lesbian, there are ways of avoiding getting caught by your fellow churchgoers: keep your hair longer than five inches, wear make-up, and avoid Doc Martins. Also, bring cutely-decorated frosted desserts to church functions, and, most importantly, you must find a “lesbro.” A lesbro is a completely platonic male friend that a lesbian keeps. Generally, a lesbro is kept just as a friend, but in your case you could keep one as a disguise. Dress him up and put him in a suit and the choir women will see him as your potential boyfriend material. Don’t be scared to explore your sexual urgings. As far as Janice goes, questionable intent aside, give her a shot. Perhaps she’ll correct you in new and more exciting ways than you could have imagined. -Grandma Eunice Need some advice? Looking for an answer? Send questions to grandmaeunice@yahoo.com. Questions are edited for length. (Grandma Eunice is not a professional. Advice from Grandma Eunice should not be taken seriously. All actions taken on the inquirers part are subject to no responsibility of Ampersand’s).
VOLUME 1: WINTER 2008
FOR FUN
DO IT YOUR SELF
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
HOW TO FLOAT AWAY FOR FREE OR NEARLY NOTHING † (1) Fold a rectangular shaped piece of paper* ** “hamburger” style.
press to create crease. Flip form over. (5) Fold the other flap up, and crease to make flat.
(2) Fold the top left edge down towards the center of the paper.
(6) Pull in, and touch outter edges of flaps, creating a new diamond shape. Press to make flat. Tuck one of the outer edges under another, to prevent wrinkling.
(3) Fold the top right edge down toward the center, bumping up symmetrically with the previous fold made.
(7) Fold the bottom half up, and crease to make flat, exposing the interior.
(4) Fold the remaining paper flap, below the two previous folds, up and
18
(8) Fold the other bottom half up, and crease to make flat, creating a new triangular shape.
*An ideal paper size would yield a boat capable of seating two, comfortably.
** For “nearly nothing” or to
(9) Grab the right and left and bring togeher.
minimize constuction costs, individual Ampersand pages (of 20 or more issues) can be adhered
(10) By opening the form, touch edges and crease to make flat. (11) Pull the outer layer of paper folds down on either side, and manipulate until edges are formed and form sits flat.
together to create a reasonablyclose-to-ideal rectangular size. † Ampersand is not responsible for any constructions created by these directions, or the damages that may occur from their existence.